“You want to fix the F train? What about fixing the occupation?!”

When asked for clarification, he replied, “What was the question again? Beautiful question, by the way.”

“Someone needs to be gassed over this.”

“They’re going to need a much more impressive collection of DVDs before anyone takes them seriously.”

“Bunk beds, three meals a day, arts and crafts with a political theme, about Zionism? Sign me up.”

“Metrics show millions of engagements from accounts that are clearly organic Americans who just happen to post at 3 a.m.”

“He was probably just there doing journalism.”

Pakistan’s position on Israel requires no actual policy sacrifices beyond ritualistic diplomacy.

“Your resistance to imperialism has prevailed in the court of global opinion, which is the only arena that counts.”

He might revise it to a promise to arrest Netanyahu’s corpse.

“Opera can’t compete with this.”

Insistence that he is “not suicidal” – as if he is important enough to target – was the last straw.

Why chase phantom graves when real ones can be arranged?

The excision necessitated the removal of some surrounding brain tissue from the host, but he wasn’t using it anyway.

But if too many USS Liberty memes get shared online, Israel will shorten the leash again.

The boats will ride the waves created by all the icebergs that have already melted because climate alarmism cannot be wrong.

“I’m booked solid disrupting a Hillel event. Priorities, you know?”

Planners have also vetoed Chicago, worried the peaceful city will become a chaotic hellscape of gangland violence.

Arabs, in fact, once refused to refer to the land by the European term “Palestine” at all, seeking to identify instead with the larger ethnicity that settler-colonized the entire region.

“That’s also why they killed Uncle Candace Owen and made it look like Imperial stormtroopers did it.”

“People might think all us delusionals are just copying her podcast.”

“The case against him is as flimsy and ill-conceived as a cheese tree.”

Simply redefine “Zionism” as something everyone opposes, such as strangling puppies, or microwaving fish in a shared office.

“I can’t figure out what else we have to offer the world.”

His base plans to show its pleasure at the outcome in the manner forged in European cities: calls for violence against Jews.

Officials found no fentanyl on board the craft, just as the various Gaza flotillas carried no food, but did find marijuana, cocaine, and several cases of cheap beer.

“People of conscience everywhere are finally waking up,”

It remains unclear whether, like the Palestinian policy, the payments will only take place if the victims are Jews.

“This plan would spell disaster for the very enterprises that Trump thinks will want to develop Gaza.”

“A cynical move that tries to take the focus off the Gaza genocide by calling attention to a real genocide.”

An ironic revival.

Numerous countries can offer hamberders in suitable quantities.

“The Western brains focus only on the ta-tas.”

The disorder in its various form will bear the designation P.O.S., for Palestine Obsession Syndrome.

“Within a couple of generations, it’s questionable whether there will be any Christians at all left in Europe.”

The pundit’s risk of heat disease will wane substantially if he stops accepting as true the various libels of Israel’s actions in the Gaza Strip.

He has exhausted all of his personal resources and gone into debt.

“Other people are enjoying better results and notoriety by waving Palestinian flags than we are.”

“It’s the Jews’ fault this is happening, obviously.”

The mix-up might trace to Qantas’s frequent flyer program, which allows passengers to use miles on El Al.

“It would help to have a Democratic administration in place.”

“Zionist machinations never cease.”

“We’re not in favor, per se, of undocumented migrants killing… but for Palestinians… we call that justice.”

They hope thus to remedy the fractures within their political following.

One success metric: if Democrats stop reflexively siding against Jewish safety just because Trump is for it.

“If I can get in on the ground floor of, say, casting Jews as the masterminds behind the death of the dinosaurs, I can make a real name for myself.”

“These boots were made for lickin.'”

“None of that has any measurable, quantifiable outputs that I can write and not look like an idiotic fake.”

“The indigenous Palestinian population of Julf Al-Mariq will resist this imperialism just as we resist Zionist settler colonialism.”

No one wants to absorb a population steeped in radicalism, hatred, and violence.

“No overcrowding there.”

“That was powerful,” remarked MSNBC commentator Rachel Maddow.

“He has moments of lucidity; he gets this look of abject horror.”

“We regret that we did not act sooner.”

“Our enemies might be effectively deterred.”

“We ask the public’s patience,” a representative of Governor Gavin Newsom’s office posted.

Also noted: the odd phenomenon of US adversaries lacking any corresponding concern that their own policies might provoke global conflagration.

Questioning tactics, or the effectiveness of actions is the most un-Palestinian thing you could imagine.

Companies feared getting targeted as racist for “exploiting” the likeness of a minority person.

The post contained video of Harris attempting a Lebanese Arabic accent as she sang the praises of “Sayed Nasrallah.”

Implications still unclear, if Hezbollah in disarray already.

“Resist the temptation to solve problems with violence, as the Zionists are trying to do. The way to resist is by all means necessary, no matter how bloody and destructive.”

“You have to stop using the pagers before something awful happens.”

“Showing him unfit and unwilling to make the sacrifices a leader must make.”

“Personnel is policy.”

They insist no one in the pro-Palestine coalition at Harvard is antisemitic.

The same approach as to the economy: statistics show improvement, ignoring those whose experiences do not reflect the numbers.

He sought to draw distinctions between his policies and those of “Two-Tier Keir” Starmer.

The IDF prosecutor might drop charges against demonstrators who agree to criticize Netanyahu.

Karine Jean-Pierre denied the reports. “The president is doing pushups and squat thrusts as we speak.”

The Quibbler ran a cover illustration of a Palestinian child with six fingers and three arms.

NY Times acknowledgement of Biden’s brain-pudding has removed industry’s barriers to acting on it.

“I, for one, am pleased that Egypt has kept its border with Gaza.”

“Washington’s restaurant scene is laughable. Tel Aviv is so much better. We’re considering running our embassy to the US from there.”

“If ‘Palestine’ isn’t a fully-formed state, there shouldn’t be a problem aborting it.”

“Only through DEI can the vast majority of these people achieve gainful employment.”

“But give it two years, max.”

Any mention of the IDF instead of the IOF will disqualify the applicant.

“We all remember Stuxnet.”

Willing to restore to the Oval Office a man whose policies during his first term included the ‘Muslim ban.’

“Joe wants fudge ripple,” the president announced.

Palestine activism, on the other hand, offers its constituents the moral purity and consistency of deeming the civil rights and safety of Jews contingent on not conflicting with anyone else’s desires.

Parallels with demonstrators who slam violence visited on Palestinians, while directing violence at Jews.

“The world would be more peaceful if settlers just went back where they came from,”

“If pandering to the emotions the Democratic base by feeding into murderous Islamist rage is what it takes to win in 2024, then so be it.”

It will weigh looking into the possibility of convening a group to explore what might constitute an as-yet-undetermined answer.

Nowhere to disrupt traffic, chant antisemitic slogans, and bully passers-by in the name of Palestine.

Human rights movements, international advocacy organizations, sports leagues, institutions of higher education, national governments, local civic groups…

Analysts take it as a foregone conclusion that the ICC will move to initiate a full criminal case against Israel.

Grooving to the sounds of justice for Palestine.

“People are calling them ‘monsters.'”

He neglected to explain how the Congressman believes Zionism contradicts American patriotism.

“It is the very least we can do. Unless the people who seek a new life here are from Palestine.”

“If we do exterminate all of them, that doesn’t mean we can’t still claim they’re pulling the strings from the Great Beyond.”

They also stuck with unsubstantiated accusations that the Jews, collectively, killed Jesus.

“The time for a humanitarian ceasefire is now, so that Israel can restore international goodwill for its offensive to the none it enjoyed before.”

“When it comes to the right cause, the law is a mere technicality.”

90% driving, yelling, and walking around searching for victims, with only 1/10 showing rapes, beatings, mutilations, executions, and abductions.

Jews may finish the current semester but will be asked not to return for the spring.

The agencies noted the condensed placement of the Gaza Envelope massacre sites vis-à-vis the comparatively scattered locations of Holocaust sites in Poland.

No alternative but to address at least some of their actual problems.

“I urge everyone to visit Eagle Pass, Texas, for example, to get a clear picture of our vision for Israel’s border security.”

“They’re not representative.”

“Palestinians have had enough rhetoric. We need action.”

While hijacking was not a Palestinian invention, Palestinians hijacked the phenomenon and made it their own.

“Some Jews came back after the war and demanded their stuff back. Can you imagine? Now I know how the Arabs feel.”

“Really, we should expect millions of Americans to be fleeing, since the place is so awful.”

He realized Ein el-Hilweh wasn’t so bad after all.

“A populace aware of how much worse it could be, but for the grace of God, is a docile populace.”

“Lots of somebodies did somethings back in 2001, so why are we making a big deal out of it now, anyway?”

The dire consequences of a foreign country setting the editorial and content agenda.

The US under the Biden administration numbered among the abstainers.

“We cannot stand idly by while innocents suffer.”

“We’re all trying to find the guy who did this.”

Palestinian threats over Jerusalem embassies have destroyed the world millions of times already.

NOI has long worked to counter white supremacy.

“It’s ridiculous to argue that because Basher Assad has killed more Palestinians in Syria over the last twelve years than Israel ever has anywhere, the situation in Syria should concern people more.”

“It’s agitators who want you to be scared, because scared people are easier to control.”

Civilians shouldn’t own assault weapons. Except Palestinian civilians.

About six SJP activists convened to launch an observance that took the form of every other event in their skill set: chanting slogans “From the River to the Sea, Palestine Will Be Free!” New York, April 18 – Holocaust Remembrance Day occurs today, on the 80th anniversary of the 1943 launch of the Warsaw Ghetto …

An eyebrow-raising violation of established custom. West Hempstead, April 3 – Congregants at a Jewish house of worship in this Long Island hamlet suspected something amiss this past Saturday morning when a group of attendees violated established custom by arriving exactly at the announced time for services, instead of sometime in the forty or fifty …

“Local and national leaders will begin questioning whether or not other nations they currently show respect for and send money to actually exist.” By: Dr. Nu vo Denn In an unprecedented joint statement, the head of the Palestinian Authority and the Hamas movement controlling the Gaza Strip declared that their nation has launched a defensive …

The researchers immediately grasped that the creatures were referencing the common practice among Western journalists, politicians, and “experts” to ignore fourteen centuries of Jew-hate embedded in Islamic culture. Washington, March 14 – Zoologists have determined that pachyderms have an analogous concept to a common human phrase referring to an obvious but uncomfortable issue that goes …

Jews have a tendency to see attacks on them as motivated by hate for Jews, which is only true in about 98% of cases. Los Angeles, March 2 – The Los Angeles Police Department voiced reluctance today to classify the latest violent assault on Jews as a hate crime, a spokesman explained Thursday, noting that …

The man also expressed the hope that, as with the vast majority of attacks on Jews in the Western world, the pork-smearing and mezuzah-removing operation will help to free Palestine. Denver, March 2 – Two weeks after antisemites tore ritual objects off the doorposts and smeared pork all over the residences of Jewish students here, …

Raichik’s defenders have dismissed the “stochastic terrorist” designation, but no such defense occurred in the case of “Globalize the Intifada!” since the accusation never came. Los Angeles, February 21 – The personality behind an anti-trans-ideology social media account that many have accused of, simply by naming them, encouraging violence against trans people and the institutions and …

Analysts believe the games themselves only became popular because the Elders desired an additional avenue through which to communicate their daily encrypted instructions. New York, February 9 – Wordle, Quordle, Spelling Bee – for the vast majority of players, these and other games provide a few minutes of brain-stimulating fun; for a select few, they …

American journalists whose outlets covered ANTIFA demonstrations wondered aloud whether in fact they can describe the Tel Aviv rallies as “peaceful.” Washington, February 2 – The weekly rallies in Tel Aviv and elsewhere demonstrating against the Likud-led government’s stated intention to fundamentally alter the relationship between the judiciary and the other branches of government have featured …

“I don’t get it. How do those people show their resistance to Zionism?” Ramallah, January 24 – Subjects of the Palestinian Authority expressed surprise today upon discovering that outside their self-rule areas, the standard treatment for people convicted of violent crimes involves imprisonment and other penalties, and not, as those subjects have become accustomed to under Fatah-Hamas …

“Jewish settlers are storming the… mosque-like thing!” Washington, January 12 – A group of tourists from villages around Ramallah and Tulkarm created disturbances in the vicinity of the US Capitol building Thursday when one of them spotted another group entering the rotunda-capped facility in traditional Hasidic garb, and reacted as accustomed when catching sight of such …

“We understand the decision even if we disagree with the reasoning behind it.” Beijing, January 4 – Diplomatic delegates representing Mahmoud Abbas lamented today that their advice to Xi Jinping and his administration on how to handle a resurgence of the SARS-CoV-2 pathogen has apparently gone ignored, specifically the recommendation that Xi follow their society’s …

Disappointing third-quarter results from the California Wildfire Initiative of the Harvey and Jeanette Weinberg Space Laser. New York, December 26 – Disappointing status reports came under review today at the shadowy Zionist organization that manipulates earthly events using advanced orbiting technology, indicating that the machine sparking blazes that have consumed millions of acres of brush, …

“Israel didn’t figure into such behavior a hundred or two hundred years ago. We just have a fig leaf for it now, and that feels good.” New York, December 15 – A man arrested today for multiple assaults of Hasidim in Brooklyn voiced his relief that his actions took place in the historical period that features a …

“You’re not oppressed. You’re privileged and white, so shut up. Also, you ran the slave trade.” New York, December 6 – A tiny ethnoreligious group that has fallen victim to extermination attempts, blood libel riots, assorted religious massacres, legal discrimination, forced conversions, mass expulsions, denial of their humanity, restrictions on where they may live, blame for …

“I understand the Western reluctance to abandon the factual realm entirely,” acknowledged James Zogby. Washington, November 24 – The distant progeny of seventh-century invaders of the Levant from the Arabian Peninsula and of later immigrants from around the region voiced puzzlement today that the White people who colonized and eventually took over the New World …

“We’re stymied,” admitted former President Barack Obama, whose own past includes posing for pictures with Farrakhan. New York, November 16 – The removal of a basketball star from a Brooklyn franchise for several games over the player’s sharing of content online that incited hatred for Jews has highlighted for experts the shortage of remedies available …

Antisemites see the privileged status of Jews in such contexts as Treblinka and conclude that Jews must exert enormous power. New York, November 7 – Widespread knowledge that Jews were herded by the millions to their extermination by gas, bullets, starvation, and brutality, following many more centuries of oppression, and still today face antisemitic violence and rhetoric, …

In some years Rosh HaShanah coincides with Saturday and Sunday, depriving Masoud of an occasion to impose that crucial didactic choice on Jewish students. New York, October 27 – A faculty member at Columbia University who proudly asserts his courses in Middle East Studies promote an “anti-colonialist” and “anti-racist” ethos, and who demands any Jewish students …

“And the rockets red glare” and “O’er the land of the free.” New York, October 13 – A Jewish vocal group of preadolescent youth whose material proved an inexplicable hit on social media over the last month turned down an offer today from a Major League Baseball team to perform The Star Spangled Banner ahead of …

“What happens after that is, I think, that everyone realizes the justice of the Palestine cause and how it supersedes anything they might have been trying to do, just because I’m so loud and vehement.” Omaha, October 4 – An audience member who shouted “Free Palestine!” as a performer on stage attempted to get through …

“Unfortunately, we were unable to act swiftly enough to set up a new agency with a similar mandate to that of UNRWA.” New York, October 3 – Delegates to the world’s largest international organization working toward cooperation among states voiced disappointment today that they missed the opportunity to duplicate the success they have enjoyed for …

“Jeremy has always been wise and with good intentions. If this move does not result in a resurgence of Labour popularity, that will also be the Jews’ fault.” Islington North, September 21 – A former leader of the United Kingdom’s Labour Party modified a longstanding mantra today to render it more accurate in the wake of …

None of his twenty-eight explanations or prognostications regarding major phenomena have matched reality. Washington, September 13 – A frequent guest on news and current events programs who provides analysis and predictions regarding developments in the international and domestic US arenas continues to appear on those programs despite repeated instances of astoundingly delusional analysis, viewers report. Matthew …

Even the braille edition of The New York Times will come to an end by mid-2023, since the use of braille requires literacy, and that discriminate against the literacy-impaired. New York, September 4 – Museums, schools, libraries, and other repositories of the collective wisdom and artistic-intellectual output of the preceding generations have embarked on a program …

AIPAC consists in its entirety of US citizens supportive of a robust alliance with the Jewish state. Washington, August 23 – Think tanks, commentators, academics, and activists whose activities enjoy financial support from undemocratic overseas governments, corporations, and institutions again criticized a grassroots US organization dedicated to maintaining and strengthening the relationship between the US …

“Does the importance of their suffering and their status as victims of injustice exist only while it can serve as leverage for the true cause, Palestine?” Chattanooga, August 11 – A man who campaigns for the recognition of indigenous status for the descendants of the tribes who inhabited the Americas before Europeans colonized the land …

Activity congruent with Israeli interests earns portrayal not as standard political behavior but as dangerous, seditious manipulation of the US government. Washington, August 3 – Lobbying, fundraising, campaigning, letter-writing, advertising, and diplomatic protocol, and related behaviors constitute healthy, proper courses of action if the parties engaging the activity involve anyone from the vast majority of humanity, but once …

“Most progressives kind of take for granted that the Palestinian cause sits at the nexus of all the world’s important challenges. It’s hard to articulate why that is, to the uninitiated.” New York, July 25 – A demonstrator outside the United Nations enjoyed only mixed success today in his attempts to convey to passers-by the …

Contrary to the rhetoric of numerous progressives, the course materials contain no ethnic prejudice. Ferguson, Missouri, July 14 – A local law enforcement officer taking hands-on courses and studying counterterrorism and other relevant subjects with instructors and materials from counterparts in the Jewish State has found that, contrary to the rhetoric of numerous progressives, the …

“Everything and everyone upholds white supremacy, given the breadth of the term’s definition necessary for us to wield is at a political cudgel as we see fit.” New York, July 5 – Progressive activists following the lead of a Boston-area group that mapped and labeled Jewish institutions as contributing to racism have hit a snag …

“The Palestinian Arab reaction has inspired us to cope with our legacy of suffering in the same way.” Berlin, June 23 – German government officials announced today that henceforth, the country will observe the ninth of May to highlight the displacement and suffering of Germans that occurred in the aftermath of German surrender to the Allies …

Mainstream media sources rushed to assist. Washington, June 14 – The historically unpopular President of the United States continued to scramble this week to shore up his poll numbers with a tactic that aims to curtain the flood of opprobrium from his chief opponents: changing his race to African-American so he can paint those opponents …

“Jeremy has all the credentials the Minor Presidents’ Conference needs: limited influence, frustrated fundraising goals, some token friends in high places…” Washington, June 1 – The director of a “pro-Israel, pro-peace” lobbying group that somehow manages never to support pro-Israel or pro-peace candidates or policies, and which pretends to exercise influence but in fact exerts …

Other factors the consultants found include wasteful, redundant contracts, conflicting jurisdictions, and corruption, none of which went against the way Hamas does things in Gaza anyway. New York, May 23 – Consultants from the militant Islamist movement that governs the Gaza Strip issued their report today on the audit they conducted of the Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s failure …

Most Mizrahi Jews live enthusiastically in Israel and support its security and prosperity, both before and since the establishment of the Jewish State. New York, May 12 – Progressive American activists who identify as Jews of European heritage but oppose Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland resent the presumption of the large non-profit and political …

“Iran gets a secure location to pursue its peaceful weapons program, where foreign military operations will not reach it. The U.S. removes the materials and processes of concern from Iran. Win-win.” St. Paul, May 2 – Two prominent members of Congress suggested new possibilities in the ongoing tensions over Iran’s nuclear weapons program today by proffering …

“My biggest fear,” admitted Jamal, “is that my efforts will free Palestine, but the so-called leaders of the Free Palestine movement won’t even know, and they’ll take all the credit for my hard work.” Brooklyn, April 21 – A Crown Heights resident with experience in more than a dozen spitting, punching, pushing, and kicking incidents …

Focusing on the singular goal of righting a supposed wrong that barely registers in the annals of human suffering. London, April 11 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement targeting Israel over what they consider the Jewish States’s occupation of Palestinian land announced today that as Moscow increases its hold on areas that belong to Kiev …

“The list plays a vital role in communicating this administration’s approach to handling terrorism.” Washington, March 31 – White House officials acknowledged today they will weigh not simply the removal of one of the most malignant, violent groups on the planet from a roster of organizations designated for sanctions and imposing severe consequences on individuals …

The criticism has not restricted itself to factual events. San Francisco, March 23 – Critics of the Jewish State continued this week to find areas in which the nation has taken either no or insufficient steps to solve issues irrelevant to that country or far beyond reasonable expectations of any state its size, such as solving the …

“Anti-Zionism is totally different – it just takes those tropes and replaces ‘Jewish’ with ‘Zionist’ and that makes it OK.” Southfield, March 14 – A woman killed in a massacre at a synagogue issued a metaphorical exhalation today upon learning that the man who took her life in a shooting attack, a radicalized anti-Israel activist, targeted …

A bigotry that Europeans thought they had vanquished in their society long ago. Frankfurt, March 23 – Europeans who view attacks targeting synagogues and related community institutions as a legitimate form of protest against Jerusalem’s policies vis-à-vis Palestinians now find themselves anxious about tolerating harassment or violence upon immigrants, descendants of immigrants, or visitors from, …

It will serve to demoralize nations that have come to rely on the US as a staunch ally, which is a central pillar of this administration’s foreign policy. Washington, February 22 – White House officials acknowledged today that the president is exploring avenues to reward Russian aggression in Ukraine by following the formula that his …

Failing that, the activists surmised, they could always engaged their team of allied progressive NGOs to involve Palestinian terrorists. Ottawa, February 13 – Leaders and prominent activists among the movements that spearheaded violent demonstrations across the US in 2020 reached out to counterparts in the convoy protests taking place to the north over vaccine mandates …

“If I remember correctly he said something about seeing an opportunity and going for it like a tiger.” Pittsburgh, February 2 – An joint event with several pro-Palestinian activist groups has managed to secure the participation of a figure of at least some renown, organizers disclosed today, in this case a Punxsutawney-area insurance salesman who they …

“Any reasonably smart Israel portfolio is going to do well.” New York, January 22 – A securities-trading firm announced today that its most successful package of equity issues for the last five years consists only of shares in companies that have resisted the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement targeting Israel, outpacing its next-most-profitable offering by nearly …

“When you cite facts about the ubiquity of antisemitism in the pro-Palestine movement, you smear us.” New York, January 13 – A collection of organizations, activists, and ideologues supporting the Free Palestine cause, which attracts every manner of Judaeophobe, insisted today that their push to remove the world’s only Jewish state from the map has …

The phenomenon reflects a robust consistency in their capacity to shoehorn facts into ill-fitting preconceived biases, whether conscious or not. Washington, January 4 – Researchers have discovered an exact match in gullibility or self-deception between those who believe an expression that gained popular currency as pithy criticism of media for attempting to conceal dissatisfaction with the current …

“It’s internalized white supremacy,” agreed Palestine Solidarity Campaign volunteer Holden Lamaar. Hempstead, December 26 – A local small-business proprietor who devotes his time and resources to nurturing his children, enriching his marriage, caring for his aging parents, volunteering at a nearby soup kitchen, running fundraisers for area schools, and participating in initiatives to keep the …

“I don’t think I will surprise anyone participating in this conversation when I say I know exactly (((who))) bears the blame for this state of affairs.” Brooklyn, December 15 – Opponents of Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland voiced frustration today at their continued inability to convince anyone with either no anti-Jewish animus, or …

“Ultimately it all has to be about Palestine,” explained State Department spokesman Ned Price. Washington, December 6 – The White House continued to maintain its diplomatically ambiguous approach to the status of the island where the Nationalist Chinese government took refuge in 1949 in the face of a mainland Communist takeover, refusing to indicate whether …

“Our struggle was his struggle.” Ramallah, November 25 – Representatives from the office of President Mahmoud Abbas voiced their regret today, following the passing of the last known participant in the organized slaughter of millions of Jews during the Second World War, that they never had an opportunity to present him with recognition and appreciation …

An intolerable level of sanctimony and self-righteous preening despite questionable progressive credentials. Albany, November 16 – New York State’s law enforcement arm began an inquiry into the international conglomerate that holds a controlling stake in an ice cream manufacturer with a socially conscious brand, in the face of cumulative evidence that the manufacturer exhibits an …

“Now what are we going to do with all this gear?” Toronto, November 4 – Students and community figures devoted to fighting Zionism and anyone associated with the movement voiced a sense of letdown today upon discovering that this week’s anniversary of a 1938 pogrom throughout the Third Reich against Jews, Jewish institutions, and Jewish-owned …

US media fail to report official, widespread anti-Jewish messaging in the textbooks, popular culture, political rhetoric, and religious environments throughout the Arab and Islamic worlds. Burlington, October 27 – An ice cream manufacturing company that got into hot water over demands that its distributor in Israel refuse to sell to Jews living beyond the 1949 armistice lines – while …

The incident recalls an episode in 2016 when a J Street post on Facebook broke the two-digit mark on Likes, prompting Director Jeremy Ben-Ami to create a special award for the dozen staffers of the organization who had used their personal accounts to create that achievement. Washington, October 18 – A progressive lobbying organization that …

Part of a larger initiative to make the country safer for progressive, tolerant values. Washington, October 7 – Several progressive members of the House of Representatives voiced frustration today that legislation they introduced earlier this session to authorize attacks against synagogues, Hebrew schools, and similar targets, has not even reached preliminary stages of the lawmaking …

“With the help of the Cuomo administration we’ve been able to exploit concerns over COVID to demonize the Jews , and now the public will more easily tolerate edicts that target them.” New York, September 23 – A spate of incidents in which carelessness resulted in minor stab wounds from the pointy ends of a …

The airlift has ended now that CNN, CBS, ABC, the New York Times, AP, NBC, and other outlets no longer feel compelled to inform their audiences in urgent terms of the reason for it. Washington, September 2 – Several weeks after the ignominious and precipitous collapse of the US-backed Afghan military and takeover by the militant Islamist Taliban …

“The problem is there are other people running against our people.” Cleveland, August 24 – More than three weeks after a Democratic Party primary race for a crucial Congressional seat resulted in the victory of a mainstream, pro-Israel candidate over one favored by the party’s vocal left wing, prominent figures in that wing have realized …

“It’s sobering, to say the least, to have an entity into which we’ve put so much simply fade away as Islamists and those who bow to them assert control.” Washington, August 15 – The rapid resurgence of the fundamentalist Islamist movement has caught American military, diplomatic, and political officials off guard and unprepared to handle …

“It’s all about inclusivity.” New York, August 4 – Student activists gearing up for the 2021-2022 academic year at Columbia University have begun preparations for a campaign to pressure the undergraduate administration into restricting admission to gentile applicants beginning next fall, because the presence of people of overlapping ethnic background with those responsible for Palestinian suffering …

“I have a responsibility to ensure my athletes have a chance to compete, but they also have their pride.” Tokyo, July 26 – The head of the Palestinian Olympic Committee upped the ante on demands of the organizers of this year’s Summer Olympiad, warning that his delegation of athletes will withdraw from and boycott the …

Repressive Palestinian policies and methods, backed by US funding for the forces implementing those methods, will thus augment the experienced but resource-poor Cuban authorities in crushing dissent. Ramallah, July 15 – President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian National Authority telephoned First Secretary of the Cuban Communist Party and President of the Republic of Cuba Miguel …

“This is seriously overwrought, especially since so many of the victims were just Jews.” Miami, July 6 – Journalism operations focused on South Florida and the state’s largest metro area have yet to refocus on the all-important issue of Palestinian grievances since the collapse of a local high-rise residential building back in June, industry watchdogs …

“I miss putting provocative messages on placards and challenging random people to condemn Israel or get called ethnic-cleansing apologists.” Berkeley, June 27 – Undergraduates across the country who hide their Jew-hate behind opposition to Israel expressed anticipation and enthusiasm for a post-COVID restoration of a routine that social distancing had disrupted, with specific anxiousness to …

The Party sought a ‘Biden’ that would convincingly replicate the original, but not exhibit quite enough decline to prompt invocation of the 25th Amendment. Washington, June 16 – The manufacturer of an android that had stood in for the 46th US president since last year’s election campaign assured concerned observers today that while it may …

“We demand the same support that they get for taking a stand against having to leave a rental property if you refuse to pay rent.” New York, June 16 – Occupants of several apartments in Bushwick continued their withholding today of lease payments, invoking the international legitimacy that squatting now enjoys as a result of …

Following HRW expansion of the term’s application, things that are Apartheid now include lawn maintenance and jelly-filled donuts. New York, May 27 – A report by Human Rights Watch that redefined a loaded political term in order to shoehorn Israeli policies to fit it has resulted in a cascade of instances of the same phenomenon, …

Activists demanded that funds for the Royal Air Force and ground-based anti-aircraft batteries be cut from the defense budget. Geneva, May 13 – As German bombs rained down on London and other British cities, diplomats, government officials, and human rights activists encouraged Prime Minister Winston Churchill and the British military to respond only in a …

“Did we train them?” wondered Tarkin. Tatooine, May 4 – Military officials in a galaxy far, far away have taken note of the accuracy, or lack thereof, of the missiles fired toward Israel by the Islamist movement that governs the Gaza Strip, and realized how similar it appears to their own soldiers’ marksmanship, to the …

“We focus on combating the pernicious influence of girls, chief among them our arch-nemesis Susie Derkins. Now THAT is an entity to boycott.” Chagrin Falls, OH, April 22 – A spokesman for the local chapter of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club (G.R.O.S.S.) announced today that the group had voted down a proposal to …

Anti-Zionists fear that they cannot entrust their continued existence to the whims of the majority of their ethnic minority. Berkeley, April 14 – A group of Jews whose ideology denies the centrality, necessity, and morality of Jewish sovereignty, and thus pits them against the vast majority of their coreligionists, has begun to sense that the …

“We’re all just so morally… consistent, I guess, is the word.” New York, April 1 – For at least the sixth time this week, a group of activists opposed to the existence of a Jewish state just happened to express the same positions and promote the same attitudes as those who deny the government of …

“The multiple rapes I’ve suffered on my way here with traffickers are probably nothing compared to the rape of Palestine.” San Antonio, March 22 – Minors detained in over-capacity holding facilities after crossing into the country from Mexico voiced the sentiment this week that at least American progressives and the international community at large have …

“This will have a chilling effect on free expression. In fact it smacks of fascism – or am I not allowed to say that, either?” Washington, March 11 – Progressive activists whose default rhetoric involving the world’s only Jewish state involves overwrought comparisons to death camps, yellow stars of David, and Nuremburg Laws expressed their …

Partisans will continue to talk past each other after the sun is a white dwarf. Pasadena, CA, March 2 – Astrophysicists predicted this week that the brouhaha concerning whether Israel must provide COVID immunizations to non-citizens living in areas under Palestinian self-rule will continue far beyond the lifespan of the solar system’s current arrangement, a …

Activists demanded to put the allegorical Mr. Dumpty back together along with idyllic pre-Israel Palestine. Nabi Salih, February 18 – Activists have uncovered evidence that the series of wires, towers, concrete ramparts, and other obstacles that Israel credits with stopping Palestinian suicide bombers had a previous career marred by causing the fatal injury of a legendary …

“It’s not like we’re rushing to throw our Jew-haters under the bus.” Washington, February 10 – Leading Congressional and White House figures sought to calm fears this week that the government’s adoption of the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance working definition of antisemitism means they will cease to run cover for Jew-haters in their midst and …

Connors could swear we lived through this whole scenario already, and it didn’t turn out well. Punxsutawney, February 2 – Meteorologist Phil Connors acknowledged that the emerging policy of the new presidential administration toward the Islamic Republic of Iran and the latter’s nuclear weapons ambitions convinces him that he is living yesterday over again, with yesterday …

“It feels good to have left the whole era of Fake News behind.” Washington, January 21 – Media personalities and commentators marveled today at the lack of corruption and controversy of the current presidential administration, already more than a thousand minutes into its term. President Joseph R. Biden took office at midday Wednesday, at which …

“This takes our practice of making the US and Israeli flags into doormats to the next level.” Tehran, January 12 – A member of a violent mob storming the US Capitol building last week who wielded a flagpole with the Stars and Stripes on it to bludgeon a downed Washington, D.C. policeman received citizenship in …

“We have to determine whether harming Jews is simply a positive side-effect of our efforts, or a goal in itself.” Sacramento, December 31 – Stalwarts of forward-leaning politics voiced consternation today at a new dilemma that may force them to choose as never before between the values of ecological sensitivity and steamrolling Jewish concerns in …

Provisions of the arrangement mandate that the monies cover only US-manufactured products and US-based services. Washington, December 23 – One of the small number of opponents to American funding of Israeli military procurement and development conceded today that her principled stance against the practice could reverse if, as on at least one occasion involving her …

“I suspect we’ll see a Make America Great Again Liberation Organization spring up any day now.” Ramallah, December 14 – Proponents of a cause lost to events decades ago, but who have stubbornly clung to the impossibility of seeing their genocidal vision come true, have eyed the failed reelection effort of the outgoing American president …

“They appear to believe that the veil prevents all and sundry from perceiving them as the antisemites they are.” London, December 3 – One of the few remaining manufacturers of formal garments to cover part of the wearer’s head, out of modesty, privacy, or aloof dignity, attributes his enterprise’s survival to anti-Zionists seeking to conceal the Judaeophobia that in …

The Ayatollah grew to think he established almost a birthright to shape US Iran policy during the Obama administration. Tehran, November 24 – Insider reports emerged today that Iran’s Supreme Leader has admitted he feels let down at the fact that the incoming US president has not seen fit to invite him to participate in shaping the next …

“I have had, in my zeal for universal human equality, some blind spots.” London, November 12 – Ousted UK Labour Chairman Jeremy Corbyn continued to argue today in favor of revoking his expulsion from the party following an inquest finding that he failed to address burgeoning antisemitism in Labour’s ranks, with a promise to do …

He had already blamed the Jews for the violence that has characterized the 2020 elections campaign, taking care to point to evidence that Jews bear responsibility for both left- and right-wing violence. Caldwell, November 4 – Last night’s presidential contest may have produced a winner, but one Caldwell resident had explanations ready even before the …

“Being overshadowed in this way should be welcome, I suppose, but my colleagues and I must also confess a sense of disappointment and discomfort. It just isn’t… normal.” Washington, October 26 – Social media bots, disinformation, and attempts to influence the outcome of the upcoming US presidential contest have led numerous analysts and partisan commentators …

“Our real accomplishment isn’t in metrics of celebrity visits canceled, but creating an environment across the US and Europe where Jews feel threatened.” Berkeley, October 15 – Activists campaigning for the economic, diplomatic, and cultural isolation of the world’s only Jewish state disclosed today they prefer the three-letter shorthand term for their movement to any …

“Hitler had various wholesome habits such as not drinking or smoking, and Pence’s approach to cherishing his marriage the way he does calls to mind the Führer.” Bethesda, October 6 – US President Donald Trump’s hospitalizaton following his diagnosis as positive for the SARS-CoV-2 pathogen has caused scrambling on the political left to prepare for …

“If possible I’d also like the trans immigrant Muslim woman of color to be Jewish, too,” he added, “just like Justice Ginsburg. Jews make good judges. I like Jews.” Washington, September 22 – The President of the United States made note of what he called the unfortunate fact that few, if any, qualified judges to …

Some admitted greater insult at the absence of Palestine solidarity than had the group expressed explicitly Zionist sensibilities. New York, September 10 – Progressives voiced confusion tinged with shock and outrage today upon discovering that an advocacy group focused on pedestrian safety has never put forth a statement condemning Israel’s treatment of Palestinians, and in fact appears …

Mr. Madoff is slated to deliver his lectures via Zoom from federal prison. Cambridge, Massachusetts, September 1 – One of the nation’s leading educational institutions followed up its hiring last week of a prominent Palestinian diplomat, with nothing to show for his lifetime of high-profile work, to teach diplomacy, with an announcement that it has …

“This time it’s really our doing.” Berkeley, August 20 – Activists who call on companies, states, organizations, governments, and individuals to refrain from any dealings with the Jewish State as a way of pressuring the latter into concessions to Palestinian ambitions declared today that the sharp decrease in flights to Ben-Gurion Airport from around the …

“It’s foolproof.” Minneapolis, August 11 – A Twitter personality who spends more than nine tenths of his time on the platform finding the least charitable angle on anything resembling Jewish sovereignty believes he appears credible in denying animus toward Jews as a result of never making a direct derogatory or hateful reference to members of …

“It’s not like the Party to be this, well, tone deaf, I guess is what you’d call it.” Xinjiang, August 2 – Inmates and administration staff at a facility that imprisons, enslaves, sterilizes, and otherwise abuses a Muslim ethnic minority in China expressed discomfort this week at the eerie evocativeness of the posted exhortation that greets …

“Whoever argues for us to take into account the concerns of Jews about their safety and security must have forgotten whom they’re addressing.” Amsterdam, July 22 – Continental states voiced shock today upon encountering the criticism of their providing money to Palestinian groups and individuals who engage in terrorism against Israel, and asserted that objections …

“I need a Plan A and a Plan, B,” muttered the bullying victim and introvert son of a single mother. Caldwell, NJ, July 13 – A troubled adolescent who intends to massacre students, faculty, staff, and anyone who tries to stop him now faces complications in his scheme as a result of uncertainty over whether …

UK and EU opposition, though by no means unified, comes against the backdrop of two thousand years of European and other dominant powers trying to prevent Jewish sovereignty anywhere. London, July 2 – A country that maintained a globe-spanning empire for more than four hundred years cautioned the Jewish State today against applying its sovereign …

A spokesman for De Blasio’s all-white, all-male public relations team declined to address the mayor’s uncharacteristic opposition to Jews in camps. New York, June 23 – This city’s mayor does not wish to facilitate the movement of Jews in his jurisdiction to camps this month and next, local sources report, an attitude that remains at …

They’ve set their sights on the next level of legitimacy on a global level: Security Council membership. New York, June 11 – An area of Washington state’s largest city that the local government allowed protesters to take over has now achieved membership in the United Nations General Assembly, the group announced today. The “Seattle Autonomous …

“Here in Black Lives Matter we don’t have that kind of organic dig-yourself-into-an-even-deeper-hole experience.” St. Louis, June 3 – Organizers of a grassroots movement to raise awareness of and protest police violence against African-Americans have received helpful advice from activists working to advance the cause of destroying the world’s only Jewish state under the guise …

“We should be coming together to combat this virus and the kikes who spread it, not playing the blame game over racial tensions.” New York, May 20 – The mayor of the US’s largest city faced criticism today after the release of a graphic on City Hall’s official social media sites and on public transit …

“The far-left toolbox doesn’t have many tools, and the ‘oppression!’ cry is their go-to tactic for silencing opponents.” Davis, May 11 – A student activist in California’s state higher education system has confused and stymied anti-Israel groups at his school by wielding one of their own political culture’s chief weapons to silence criticism and dissent …

“The on-stage characters seem to seriously believe in the morally-inverted universe they inhabit.” New York, April 30 – A leading cable network and entertainment production company announced today it will harness the comedic potential of a mostly-untapped resource: leading Palestinian spokespeople whose on-stage personae adopt and defend untenable, corrupt positions that they insist represent the …

“If you’re Jewish, don’t betray your brethren by cheapening the Holocaust for personal gain or political capital, you kapo.” Washington, DC, April 21 – Researchers at the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in the nation’s capital repeated their warning today that casual and overblown comparisons of contemporary events to the horrors of the industrialized dehumanization …

“Not that I think Israel’s existence is a good thing per se,” he hurried to clarify. Boston, April 6 – Coronavirus has forced numerous entertainment enterprises to shut down for the foreseeable future, including big-time operations such as Major League Baseball, but one follower of his local team admitted gratitude that Israel remains as a …

“All we can do is practice social distancing and increase testing. It’s going to be rough.” Madrid, March 26 – As coronavirus overwhelms medical systems across the continent, local and national figures have voiced increasing concern that their society’s traditional response to outbreaks of disease will prove impracticable, given the paucity of Jewish communities at …

The National Guard imposed the siege despite a complete lack of rockets, incendiary balloons, attack tunnels, and other military threats. New Rochelle, New York, March 17 – A Palestinian spending time on this side of the Atlantic found himself subject today to a genuine cordon that imposes severe restrictions on the movement of people and …

“I, too, persist in categorizing myself as indigenous to a place when in reality, my ancestors were the colonizers.” Boston, March 5 – A Massachusetts senator campaigning to become the Democratic Party’s nominee for the next US presidential election, and who has failed so far to attract a significant share of the party’s voters to …

“Accepting anything other than total triumph, total humiliation of the disease before you drive it into the sea, would constitute betrayal.” Ramallah, February 25 – Leaders of the Palestinian national liberation movement repeated their offer offer of assistance this week to the People’s Republic of China in the latter’s efforts to combat a virulent respiratory …

“There’s no way this goes sideways.” Montpelier, VT, February 13 – A lifelong politician and committed socialist vowed again today to combat the pernicious, widespread assumption that Jews enrich themselves at the expense of others, through the imposition of an economic system to guarantee no one, including Jews, ever has enough, let alone gets or …

“Two, four, six, eight, no bestiality means hate! Three, five, seven, nine, so what if my lover’s ovine?!” London, February 5 – Activists demonstrated here today against World Health Organization guidelines to prevent the further spread of a dangerous pathogen, insisting that preaching avoidance of sexual contact with farm animals constitutes prejudice against groups for …

The lawmaker resolved to stick to her anti-Israel and antisemitic rhetorical guns – though she has not specifically ruled out non-rhetorical ones. Washington, January 28 – A Congresswoman who shared a false online post regarding a Palestinian child, according to which Israeli authorities kidnapped and murdered him,when in fact the boy had fallen into water …

The fight against climate change doesn’t register as a priority among enough people outside the Soros-funded matrix of NGOs. Melbourne, January 16 – Progressive activists seeking to link every cause to the struggle for Palestinian independence confessed today they have yet to arrive at a successful formula for making the fight against long-term, human-induced atmospheric …

“The rest of us have to manufacture concepts such as ‘Islamophobia’ to get attention.” New York, January 8 – American social justice activists voiced annoyance again today at members of the Hebrew persuasion for claiming all the compelling roles of victim for themselves by getting shot and stabbed to death, while other minorities must settle for being …

“As a nation we must join in decrying stabbing, whether occur via fish fork, hunting knife, Swiss Army knife, crochet hook, or even scalpel.” New York, December 30 – Prominent Jewish groups all over the United States reacted over the weekend to the Saturday night stabbing attack at a Monsey, NY Rabbi’s home, by issuing …

Police will reassign officers who until now have guarded synagogues, yeshivas, and other Jewish community institutions. Paris, December 19 – The government of President Emmanuel Macron made a formal commitment today to safeguard the one Jewish grave marker in the country that has yet to suffer antisemitic vandalism. A spokesman for the president addressed journalists …

“Corbyn is our friend, after all, and not just on Facebook.” Gaza City, December 10 – Members of the Islamist militant group that governs this coastal territory criticized today attempts to compromise the work of the organization’s unit to manipulate public opinion in Britain in favor of the Labour Party under Jeremy Corbyn, calling those attempts …

If Palestinian flags prove hard to come by in Hong Kong, protesters could always express solidarity with Palestinians by attacking Jews. Hong Kong, November 28 – Months of pro-democracy and anti-Beijing protests in this former British possession, governed by China for the last twenty years, features zero or very few banners with the red, black, …

The phenomenon of combating the dual loyalty of Jews to Israel with the dual loyalty of others to Palestine has migrated far beyond Britain’s borders, and in fact originated in the Muslim world. Islington, November 20 – Britain’s Opposition Leader in Parliament faces an uphill battle in the coming national elections, but one group of constituents hopes …

“I’ll take it,” he muttered. “Not every day someone mistakes a guy my age for someone born between 1946 and 1964.” City of Enoch, November 11 – The oldest human in the world feels no insult at all when millennials and other young people attempt to dismiss his opinions by associating them with the post-World-War-II …

“Maybe one day when recognizing the Armenian Genocide doesn’t carry so many risks that put my antisemitic anti-Zionism in jeopardy, we can reconsider this question.” Washington, October 31 – One of the few Congressional representatives not to vote in favor of a resolution recognizing the organized mass-killing of more than a million Armenian Christians by …

Similar omissions have occurred fifteen times since the Diversity Alliance was launched in 2015, only two thirds of which the group has acknowledged. New York, October 10 – A political association apologized today for neglecting to include in its list of groups affected by Nazi persecution any mention of the one group Nazis singled out for targeting …

“These developments mean we can continue our important advocacy work opposing Jewish self-determination and granting legitimacy to anti-Jewish behavior.” Burlington, September 24 – Jew-haters find themselves in demand among the pool of potential applicants for positions with the presidential and other election campaigns getting into gear across the US, members of the cohort reported Tuesday. …

The trips on Epstein’s plane, which took place between 1990 and 2016, occurred as part of the musician’s ongoing advocacy for Palestinian rights. New York, September 12 – The publicists for a former Pink Floyd front man sought to downplay reports today that their client had made frequent trips on the private aircraft of a …

“The precedent of the Jewish state of Israel, which engages in all the same activities as any other state but somehow attracts inexplicable venom from the Muslim world, indicates what awaits China should it embark on this Judaism policy.” Beijing, September 5 – The People’s Republic of China stepped away today from an anticipated policy …

President Jair Bolsonaro has established close ties with Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, making his country a legitimate target in Palestinian and Islamist eyes. Brasilia, August 27 – The Islamist movement governing the Gaza Strip that uses kites, helium balloons, and other low-tech conveyances to ignite brush fires and other conflagrations across the border in …

Residents hope that Ms. Tlaib might deign to set aside some of her time to meet with them and see their trouble in person, since she harbors such concern for people of color and their struggle against systemic prejudice. Flint, August 15 – Residents of this beleaguered neighbor of Detroit voiced expectation today that as …

He attends his “Jewish church” and quotes such famous Jewish figures as Jesus. London, August 7 – An anonymous Twitter user claiming to see eye-to-eye with the leader of the UK Labour Party on every issue, and who defends him most vociferously on the issue of the party’s systemic antisemitism problem, also puts himself forth …

“I have no problem with Jews. My problem is with Jews who try to make trouble by claiming Jews have the same rights as other nations.” New York, July 29 – An activist opposed to the existence of Israel as a Jewish state resents that people automatically conclude he hates Jews based solely on the …

A spokesman for Jezza accused disgruntled former associates of contriving a rebellion within his organization’s ranks and sowing rancor to undermine his position. Tatooine-on-Thames, July 18 – Jezza the Hutt’s palace holds a commanding view over the surrounding terrain, but the potentate’s gaze seldom fixes upon the sights beyond his audience chamber, where he has placed …

As it is known in the original Arabic, Gathma. Hollywood, July 9 – Indications have emerged via leaks from Warner Brothers that a scheduled iconic superhero action film scheduled for release early next year fails to depict Palestinians native to the city where most of the action takes place, drawing ire from progressive activists. Unconfirmed …

“She apparently believes local or national political considerations trump, so to speak, our concerns.” Rafah, June 27 – Middle East Arabs who have used a term evocative of Nazi persecution and genocide of Jews to demonize Israel voiced outrage today that a New York freshman Congresswoman has appropriated the phrase to refer to facilities where …

“The political leadership was over in Berlin, not out on the Eastern Front machine-gunning Jews by the hundreds of thousands.” Berlin, June 18 – Continental historians studying the conduct of the western allies leading up to and during the Second World War expressed puzzlement at the allies’ insistence on combating Nazi Germany as a whole, …

“We could just continue what we’ve been doing for years and fire our rockets at civilians, as the Germans did to Britain, but you wouldn’t know that’s a D-Day thing.” Caen, June 5 – The seventy-fifth anniversary of the Allied invasion of Nazi-occupied Europe falls tomorrow, and Palestinian leaders aim to mark the occasion by …

“Who could have known?” Berlin, May 27 – Progressives expressed horror and surprise today at the realization that accepting Judaeophobic elements under their umbrella for the sake of a greater societal good may have signaled to radicals on the other end of the political spectrum that anti-Jewish rhetoric and behavior will no longer spark the same level of vehement …

Attendance at the rallies that did not take place in this timeline reached levels similar to those not seen at analogous fictional protests against Iranian meddling in Yemen, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, and the Palestinian Territories. Paris, May 15 – Throngs of demonstrators refrained in droves from attending a mass rally in the French capital and …

They reacted with open-mouthed awe at the scale at which Hamas commits deadly violence aimed at securing infusions of cash from Qatar via Israel. New York, May 7 – Leading figures in the city’s organized crime underworld expressed admiration and no small measure of envy today as the Islamist movement that governs the Gaza Strip …

“And boom, so to speak, large numbers of people direct sympathy toward those who are not only non-Muslim, but victims of violence by Muslims. It’s going to take some time to digest this.” Washington, April 24 – Waves of empathy and condolences for the hundreds of Sri Lanka church bombing victims and their families have …

“We thought that Mr. Greenblatt, as an alumnus of the Obama administration, would serve as a natural ally in attributing all ills affecting society – especially minorities in society – only to right-wing bigotry.” New York, April 11 – Organizations that have joined the oldest Jewish civil rights group in combating various forms of bigotry …

Both Hamas and the Maduro government have now instituted electricity rationing, amid civil unrest and with a government that blames foreign interests for domestic turmoil. Caracas, April 2 – Officials in the embattled regime of Nicolàs Maduro announced new measures this week to address shortfalls in electricity generation, and resorted to a tactic that has …

Collectivization of agriculture and a poor harvest in 1932-33 led to the death by starvation of anywhere from 3-12 million Ukrainians and Moldavians. Washington, DC, March 20 – Millions of famine-related deaths in the largely-Christian Ukraine and Moldavia Republics of the Soviet Union that many scholars understand as an engineered policy by Stalin to destroy …

“If we want our children safer in school, in the streets, and at home, we need to ban firearms; if we want our children to have enough to eat and a comfortable life, we need to ban poverty.” New York, March 13 – One of the Democratic Party’s fresh faces continued to make waves today, …

“This organization, which brings together progressive Jews by the dozens to combat the sinister machinations of millions of Zionist settler colonialists, will call out such tokenism wherever it occurs.” Berkeley, March 4 – Jews who oppose the manifestation of Jewish sovereignty in the ancient Jewish homeland, who represent a small percentage of Jews worldwide, but …

“This may be the first politically astute move Corbyn has ever made.” London, February 21 – British political strategists hailed a plan by the Labour Party Chairman to combat the departure of at least eight legislators from his faction’s ranks by resigning from the party as well and joining the new independents, where he will …

Anti-Zionists-not-antisemites voiced gratification at the publication of the study. London, February 11 – Researchers have determined that the uncanny correlation between hatred for Jews and opposition to Israel constitutes a statistical fluke, a recent study reports, cautioning that observers ought not to draw unwarranted conclusions from the close association that means nothing. A comparative study …

“Never let it be said that Congresswoman Tlaib’s hands are soiled with such dirty money.” Ypsilanti, MI, January 30 – A first-term congresswoman has pledged to return a campaign contribution from a party stalwart following an investigation into the giver’s Facebook and Twitter posts revealed a suspicious lack of animus toward Jews, a spokeswoman for …

“We’re still going to take Palestinian allegations of war crimes or atrocities at face value and maybe ask questions later, but probably not.” Washington, January 23 – Three days after botching its coverage of a silent teenager confronted by a yelling, drum-beating provocateur, a major news organization has decided to cut back on its knee-jerk …

“We intend to showcase the enlightened, beautiful side of the Killing Fields.” Washington, D.C., January 14 – Leaders of the activist organization Code Pink: Women for Peace announced this week that following their trip to the Islamic Republic of Iran to help counteract the negative image the regime has suffered in Western depictions, the group …

The existence of such adolescent girls in Canada has been attested to for several decades in statements provided under interrogation by American nerds to cooler classmates. Ottawa, January 3 – The government of Prime Minister Justin Trudeau promised today to conduct a full-scale count of the number of female romantic partners of American adolescent misfits …

The position dovetails with that of Secretary of State Cordell Hull and of civic organizations such as the Ku Klux Klan. Washington, December 25 – Leaders of a prominent progressive group sent letters today to US President Franklin Delano Roosevelt not to admit a boat full of Jewish refugees from Nazi Germany, urging him to …

Director Jeremy Ben-Ami boasted that some of his distant ancestors spoke Yiddish and likely participated in such Jewish rituals as Passover seders. New York, December 12 – A lobbying organization billing itself as “pro-Israel, pro-peace” lauded a Congresswoman-elect from New York City today for disclosing possible Hebraic roots among her forebears, noting that they, as …

The Women’s March aims to draw clear lines regarding acceptable rhetoric in the organization’s ranks. New York, December 5 – Growing dissatisfaction among supporters and members of a prominent feminist organization with some of its leaders’ ties to an anti-Jewish preacher has led the movement to adopt a definition of antisemitism formulated by the Nation …

“Venezuela is proud to make available to the people and government of Iran our vast stores of broken shop windows, hijacked food trucks, armed robberies, resentment of the political class, and other resources.” Caracas, November 26 – Latin America’s leading socialist state vowed to support its allies in Tehran this week amid growing economic and political …

Labour will maintain its reliable attitude toward the Jewish community no matter the outcome of negotiations. London, November 15 – Opposition leaders in the United Kingdom sought to assuage Jewish concerns over anticipated antisemitic backlash over Britain’s imminent step away from the European Union, stating that whether or not the process succeeds, their members and …

“J Street will conduct a full investigation of Mike Rotch.” Washington, November 6 – A progressive political advocacy group calling itself “pro-Israel, pro-peace” promised today to get to the bottom of an emerging scandal, in which a politician the group supports in this week’s elections was recorded agreeing that the Jewish State has an unequivocal …

“Our affinity with Nazis goes back to Mufti Husseini, and that affinity is thicker than mere ethnicity.” Ramallah, October 28 – The white supremacist who opened fire inside a Pennsylvania synagogue and killed 11 people will receive a generous monthly payment for the rest of his life, in keeping with longstanding Palestinian policy, a representative …

“We anticipate some blowback from hard-liners on the pope thing.” Canberra, October 18 – Prime Minister Scott Morrison announced this week his administration will weigh the relocation of its Tel Aviv embassy to Israel’s declared capital, following the lead of the United States earlier this year, acknowledging the political reality of the city’s status despite …

Poe’s Law appears operative in this case. Ottawa, October 8 – An image depicting the prime minister of Canada wearing a traditional Islamic hair-covering for women might document an actual, deliberate sartorial choice, experts believe, but could just as easily reflect a satirist’s commentary on the leader’s politics and behavior, and it remains impossible to …

Mission staff declined to specify the exact dollar amount they saved, as well as the identity of the products purchased. New York, July 31 – Procurement personnel at Israel’s defense materiel purchasing mission to the US in Manhattan voiced gratification today at the frugality they could maintain thanks to membership in a program that allowed …

She will share the wonders of the hijab with women overseas who have succumbed to misguided notions about the garment and its implications for feminism. New York, July 19 – A leader of the Women’s March feminist movement in the US who insists the head covering that Muslim women are forced to wear in public …

Ignoring Jewish suffering is actually an essential part of ‘the American Way,’ as demonstrated by immigration policy at the time. Metropolis, July 11 – The world’s greatest superhero granted an exclusive interview yesterday to PreOccupied Territory, in which he detailed his approach to pursuing truth, fighting crime, promoting individualism and democracy, and doing next to …

The number of Jews moving to Israel from the US without Moshava would be different by a statistically insignificant margin. Honesdale, Pennsylvania, July 9 – Staff and administration at the largest Bnei Akiva summer program in the US expressed satisfaction today at the release figures showing that their work to instill Zionist values in American …

“I’m definitely making an impact,” he assessed. Montclair, New Jersey, July 3 – An internet user who devotes time to posting incendiary comments to articles on a Jewish website with a modest following believes he has come closer to accomplishing his goal of raising public awareness of Jewish misdeeds, the man disclosed in an interview …

Law enforcement has had its hands full for years with citizens falling prey to venomous Zionist ideas such as having economic security. Caracas, July 2 – Spokespeople for the administration of President Nicolás Maduro laced into protesters and the opposition this morning, accusing them of disloyalty for harboring such treasonous, imperialist notions as trying to …

“This is plain weird.” Nizhny Novgorod, June 26 – Team and staff members of this mostly Muslim and Christian west-Asian national team voiced confusion today after repeated encounters with fans of opposing teams in the world soccer championship hurling anti-Jewish epithets at them. Players on Khazaria’s national squad told reporters this afternoon that they have …

“I can’t shake the sense that I actually knew it all along.” Treblinka, June 20 – Members of this death camp’s Sonderkommando, tasked with disposing of the corpses of fellow Jews from the gas chamber and cleaning it out for its next use, expressed embarrassment today at understanding where they erred in trying to attract the …

“I certainly can’t think of anyone more influential in this process.” Washington, June 12 – Minority leaders in Congress and their political allies praised a key figure in the developing détente with the Kim regime, a former National Basketball Association star without whose vision no progress toward denuclearization would be possible. Lawmakers, local government officials, …

“This is just a rematch of last year’s series, so it’s not as compelling a story to hijack. Not as much buzz.” Oakland, May 20 – Activists accustomed to co-opting every popular issue or cause for anti-Israel advocacy purposes have admitted hitting a metaphorical wall in attempting to do the same with the championship basketball …

Player representatives have yet to offer any official response to the move. New York, May 24 – Executives and owners in the National Football League softened their stance today on player behavior during the traditional singing of the Star Spangled Banner before games, suggesting that if any player objects to remaining on his feet during …

“I don’t want to be the guy who says I told you so, but I told you so,” stated a grim-faced John Kerry. Dimension Theta Omicron, May 16 – Massive tectonic cataclysm, powerful storms, and atomic explosions rocked this version of plant Earth today following the official transfer of the United States Embassy to Israel’s …

“Zionism is a national liberation movement for Jews reasserting sovereignty in their ancestral homeland, and progressives should be all about that.” New York, May 9 – A leader of the Women’s March social justice movement announced today that following her visit to Israel and Palestinian territories, where she met with local activists and saw the …

Commentators noted that in the real world, Palestinian efforts rely consistently on the implied or explicit threat of violence, but that the places now targeted in this diplomatic offensive lie beyond the reach of such tactics. Ramallah, May 1 – Incipient moves to transfer international embassies to Israel from Tel Aviv to the country’s declared …

The mechanism by which the erectile dysfunction occurs remains unknown. Atlanta, April 25 – Scientists have discovered a causative connection between hatred for Jews and reduced blood flow to male reproductive organs, a medical journal is reporting. This week’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine cites a new study by the Centers for …

“Ms. Umbridge represents the perfect choice to lead this commission: loyal to her superior, condescending of victims, and willing to tolerate or engage in violence to whitewash her faction’s official view.” London, April 18 – Mounting public pressure on Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn to address hatred for Jews in his party’s ranks has prompted him to …

The executioners’ union might also demand involvement. Riga, Latvia, April 11 – The head of a local professional association voiced dissatisfaction with the way mass execution of area Jews was conducted, charging that making the Jews move earth with shovels and their bare hands in advance of being mowed down by gunfire into the resulting …

Do the banks control Congress, or does Big Pharma? Maybe it’s Monsanto? Insurance companies? Sugar? Chicago, April 9 – A radio personality known for his support of progressive politics voiced confusion today over different axiomatic assertions of his world view that now appear in conflict with one aother. Stan Davage, a talk radio program host …

Actual humans do not make the same straw-man contentions as his mental interlocutors. New York, March 28 – A college student who spends time haranguing administrators, faculty, and fellow students to support divestment from Israel and boycott of the Israeli economy has already emerged victorious in half-a-dozen verbal exchanges with advocates for Israel taking place …

“The entire institution of sanctions on Iran is a Jewish conspiracy. The best way to combat the machinations of the secret Jewish cabal is to hide away any evidence they might be able to exploit.” London, March 20 – Prominent members of Her Majesty’s Opposition are calling for the government to disregard a longstanding partial …

“It’s going to be the best memoir, because it’s about m- it’s about the president,” claimed a senior administration official. Washington, March 14 – White House insiders disclosed today that despite maintaining a public façade of indifference, the president cannot wait to get his hands on a forthcoming book by a porn star with whom …

“Today it’s Mr. Farrakhan, but tomorrow it will be you or me or anyone else who has the guts to stand up for progressive values such as seeing people of color as devoid of moral agency.” Chicago, March 7 – Allies of controversial Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan rushed to defend him this week …

Someone should have been responsible for protecting the integrity of the electoral process, but, well, who knows who that might be? Washington, March 1 – Former officials of the previous presidential administration and public figures who accuse Russia of interfering in the last presidential election admitted their uncertainty over who was in power in the …

It is an observation that only token right-wing op-ed columnist Bret Stephens is allowed to make. New York, February 22 – An editor for the Paper of Record faces potential disciplinary action for going beyond the permitted limit in an editorial draft of one acknowledgment per twelve-month period of the fact that Palestinian leadership bears …

Analysts consider the right-wing Israeli government’s likelihood of adopting Mr. Ben-Ami’s proposal low. Washington, February 14 – The director of a lobbying group that bills itself as “pro-Israel, pro-peace” urged the Jewish State to consider dissolving itself to prevent outbreaks of anti-Jewish violence and rhetoric that are obviously sparked by Jewish sovereignty in the ancient …

“I am not going to sit here and be dictated to by those who are probably white, male, and non-Muslim about what I should be fighting.” New York, February 6 – A leading Muslim women’s activist sought to allay concerns over her alleged lack of attention to murderous antisemitism in Nazi-occupied Poland this week by …

If one were to construct an investment portfolio only of firms BDS dislikes, such a portfolio would outperform index funds by a significant margin. London, February 5 – Economists and financial experts are advising governments to be targeted by the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel, as Israel’s economy has flourished since the launch of …

Lawmakers reported they had been contacted by political operatives of the organizations in question, who had urged them to vote in favor of passage if they knew what was good for them. London, January 30 – Britain’s legislature approved new legislation Monday distinguishing between the political and military apparatuses of various organized crime syndicates, following …

“Oh, no, I haven’t made a single anti-Israel or anti-Jew Instagram post,” fretted McKayla Murphy, 21. Paris, January 23 – Women aspiring to land prominent roles in representing manufacturers of beauty products rushed to update their resumés this week after reports that two influential firms in the industry had hired antisemitic models as their public …

“Google Plus is relevant, hip, and used by Americans and Russian trolls alike. It’s really the cat’s pajamas.” By Danny Nash, correspondent Washington, January 17 – Representatives of tech giant Google maintained a vigil outside lawmakers’ offices today in a bid to convince the legislators investigating possible Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election that …

“Jerusalem is no more Jordanian than is Rome. Why should Jordan only be granted custodian status over Jerusalem?” Jerusalem, January 11 – Responding to recurring Arab and Western insistence that the Hashemite kingdom to its east be granted official status as guardian of this disputed city’s sacred places, the Jewish State today remarked that such …

The victims have yet to be identified, given the paucity of physical markers remaining from the incident. Denver, January 4 – Five social justice campaigners met grisly deaths today and fourteen others suffered injuries today when they got caught between powerful opposing political and virtue-signaling pressures as they encountered a bakery proprietor of Palestinian Muslim …

“Practices such as child-catching and a ban on producing or raising children carry ominous echoes of everything we accuse Israel of doing.” Durban, December 27 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement that singles out the world’s only Jewish state have responded to criticism that their declared concern for human rights extends only to …

A spokesman sought to reassure concerned users that the Hell-temperature-monitoring mechanism would not fall prey to unscrupulous manipulations. San Francisco, December 19 – New safety rules in place at the social media giant Twitter have the corporation taking a newer, firmer stand against users who incite violence or engage in wanton hate speech, under which it …

“We no longer see Palestinian participation as a positive element.” Washington, December 18 – Trump administration officials voiced their frustration with the continued refusal of Palestinians representatives to play a constructive role in negotiations with Israel over a final status agreement Monday, and announced they no longer see a role Palestinians can play in fostering …

Jewish advocates voiced frustration at the judge’s ruling. Gothenburg, December 12 – A magistrate in this Scandinavian city has ruled that the perpetrators of two Molotov cocktail attacks against Jewish houses of worship in the last three days may not be prosecuted under criminal law, as they were exercising their legal right to freedom of expression. Judge Lars Ferwerds …

“It is past time for the rest of the astronomical community to accept this fact and just move on.” Washington, December 6 – Diplomatic and political figures around the solar system prepared for another expected round of violence after White House officials indicated that today US President Donald Trump would announce American recognition of one …

Under ordinances enacted earlier this year by the State of California, it constitutes a crime to treat another as different from their stated identity Oakland, November 29 – Bay Area physicians will not be allowed to discuss with, let alone offer remedies to, a severely overweight San Jose man who claims to identify as a person …

Rumors have swirled for years that Clinton made a similar crude move on Arafat. Tel Aviv, November 22 – The daughter of Israel’s slain Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin added today to the furor surrounding allegations of sexual misconduct by former US President Bill Clinton, disclosing in an interview that Clinton squeezed her father’s buttocks as …

“We support our party’s campaign and the media’s whipping up anger at the guy, but let’s remember it’s all just politics.” Mobile, Alabama, November 15 – As revelations of former Alabama State Supreme Court Judge Roy Moore’s sexual pursuit of minors have generated anger and horror through much of the US, some followers of Islam in …

Within minutes, a dozen responses to the original post had come in. New York, November 8 – Brooklyn-based women’s and Muslims’ rights advocate Linda Sarsour accused Israel of racism today after an Israeli on the subway had the opportunity to feel her up but declined to do so, prompting the Palestinian-American activist to start a …

“By tolerating, even endorsing, then nursing, the Arab victim narrative, Britain betrayed Lord Balfour’s vision.” London, November 2 – In response to more than a year of Palestinian clamoring for an apology from Great Britain for the latter’s 1917 Balfour Declaration, the government of the United Kingdom issued a formal apology to Balfour for the Palestinians. …

The Smiths have collectively realized that their desire to stick it to Waters far outweighs their unwillingness to work together. London, October 25 – Legendary British indie band The Smiths will play together for the first time since 1987, in a series of concerts in Israel for the sole purpose of irking former Pink Floyd front man …

At parties and other social gatherings, Oslo now avoids eye contact and interaction, preferring not to attend at all if possible. Oslo, October 23 – The Norwegian capital has grown to dislike its association with a much-hyped 1993 accord between Israel and the Palestine Liberation Organization that has become one of history’s great disappointments, friends …

They specifically sought Weinstein for the role, given the his longtime exposure to the ways in which power is leveraged to disadvantage women. Los Angeles, October 17 – Influential Hollywood Mogul Harvey Weinstein agreed to accept chairmanship of a Palestinian committee advising President Mahmoud Abbas on women’s rights and related issues, a spokesman for the …

Pundits and analysts have had to pull information out of their rear ends in order to support a line of argument. Las Vegas, October 2 – Commentators across the political and ideological spectrum have adopted a rhetorical strategy regarding last night’s massacre in Las Vegas that takes into account the relative paucity of data regarding …

“A guy can’t do his part in the Final Solution without getting assaulted by accusations of Jew-hatred.” Oświęcim, Poland, September 27 – Security personnel at the busiest of the extermination camps in the Third Reich echoed the sentiments of British Labour Party politicians this week, objecting to being characterized as antisemitic simply because they insult, …

“If previous UNGA performances provide any indication, Mr. Abbas will give other candidates a run for their money.” New York, September 19 – The Palestinian President’s tour-de-force acting performance in the role of a responsible, honorable human being and national political leader will not be included in this year’s nominations for awards in television arts, a …

The actors have described it as the most degrading experience of their lives. Los Angeles, September 14 – The cast of the hardcore sex scene that came to prominence yesterday after Senator Ted Cruz’s Twitter account “liked” has finally experienced the feeling known as shame, sources close to the performers are reporting. The actors, a …

“Of course the storms that do not hit human infidels directly also have a punitive and didactic purpose.” Miami, September 10 – As leaders of the Islamic State proclaim that the powerful storm striking south and central Florida represents divine retribution for alleged Western sins against God, others have sought to explain that the tempests …

Initial popularity has proved promising, as most players do not even ask for prizes or prize tickets. Jackson, New Jersey, September 6 – One of the largest theme park operators in the world has installed a new feature in its gaming arcades and contest booths in which contestants don a boxing glove and punch a Nazi …

“You can call us back when he begins budgeting thousands of dollars per month for each killer of a black person or immigrant, with the number of victims compounding the payment accordingly.” Charlottesville, August 30 – Officials in the Palestinian Authority and its various administrative organs have reacted dismissively to accusations that US President Donald …

“Why should anyone be surprised that they would do the same to a US state with an actual city named Palestine?” Houston, August 28 – Political and media figures in the Palestinian Territories have determined who lies behind the flooding in southeastern Texas in the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey: Israel and the dams it always …

Senior EU officeholders adopted a proposal today to train Muslim immigrants to Europe in the use of firearms, explosives, and chemical weapons. Brussels, August 24 – European Union officials hoping to demonstrate to the United Kingdom the folly of its decision to leave the Union plan to drive home the point by dispatching terrorists to …

“A people under occupation has the right to… to…” trailed off Yolanda Knell Helsinki, August 20 – Pundits and politicians accustomed to explaining away violence against Jews as either overblown or justified have stumbled in their efforts to make the same excuses for the recent terrorist attack in Finland, having not nearly as much experience …

“We and the movement we represent have never been comfortable with Jews.” Washington, August 16 – Leaders of the DC Justice March have offered a compromise to Jews who cannot attend the event scheduled for the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, whereby they will move the march to a different date on condition that Jews …

While the move carries little practical significance, supporters of Scar trumpeted their victory. Pride Rock, Serengeti Ecosystem, Tanzania, August 9 – The United Nations Education, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) designated this location as a site of Scar’s heritage today, striking a political and diplomatic blow against Scar’s nephew Simba in their struggle over rule of …

“Any regime that opposes the West, especially the US, automatically gets inaugurated into the good-guy camp, and the more oppressive, the better.” Marmara, August 10 – Increasing tensions and heightened rhetoric between isolated North Korea and the United States has as least one humanitarian group considering a relief flotilla to the Asian dictatorship to highlight the misery …

“Some of them might be haemophiliac,” worried Stratford Councillor Ann Tissemitt. London, August 2 – Representatives of Britain’s Labour Party today attributed the organization’s reluctance to take even token measures against party figures for espousing anti-Jewish positions, arguing that a slap on the wrist might leave such persons with unsightly marks on their skin. Repeated …

“This does not bode well, not at all,” moaned a thin professor with flowing robes. Hogsmeade, July 26 – Flush with a sense of power and purpose after extracting concessions elsewhere, Muslims issued new demands today that the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take away the hexes, jinxes, and other measures around …

“Who could ever agree to go through such humiliation as magnometers?” New York, July 24 – Delegates to the United Nations Security Council passed through devices to detect the presence of the metal in weapons and ammunition today, en route to convening in the organization’s chamber for purposes of issuing a condemnation of Israel for …

“Look at what Hamas has done, with only a fraction of our budget.” New York, July 19 – The Metropolitan Transportation Authority of New York will begin drafting children to conduct expensive infrastructure work, following the example set by the militant Islamist organization that runs the Gaza Strip and has constructed an elaborate system of …

“The sense of nausea and dread is overwhelming,” confessed a staffer who asked not to be identified. Budapest, July 12 – Aides to philanthropist and political activist George Soros scrambled to perform damage control today after reports emerged that the billionaire had provided support for an organization that does not see Israel’s existence as illegitimate …

“There are fringe groups, but you don’t have them taking over whole regions and recruiting thousands of like-minded fighters from far away. It’s bizarre.” Gary, Indiana, July 12 – Terrorism experts confessed today they cannot explain why tens of millions of Americans under economic circumstances similar to those of Islamist terrorists have not embraced hijacking, suicide bombing, …

Jewish leaders expressed more puzzlement than outrage at the pastor’s assertion. Crown Heights, July 10 – A prominent figure in New York’s African-American community invoked the race riots of summer 1991 today, asserting that the Jewish State deserves the current spate of automotive ramming attacks by Palestinians because a car driven by a Jew killed …

“Leftovers. We’ll take leftovers. Your mom’s fruitcake. Lutefisk, whatever the hell that is. Please. Can you catch our amazing new missile and send it back with that stuff?” Pyongyang, July 4 – The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced the successful test of a ballistic missile yesterday, claiming the weapon’s capabilities bring …

It boils down to Muslims as victims being the ultimate axiom, and therefore Muslims retaining ultimate veto over everything lest it offend or oppress them further. Berkeley, June 29 – Proponents of a progressive environmental agenda face internal contradictions within the movement over the prospect of banning crude oil imports and other fossil fuels in …

Students already pursuing degrees for which such courses are a requirement will be given the opportunity to alter their degrees by taking courses on subjects such as Palestinian suffering. San Francisco, June 25 – San Francisco State University has announced that in a bid to make the on-campus experience more welcoming for students of Muslim …

Incidence of callus-inducing Muslim-anus-licking by Europeans had held steady since the the First World War. Fez, June 21 – Medical officials in the Arab and Muslim world are reporting increased incidences of inflamed or callused epithelial tissue around the anal orifice resulting from constant friction with the tongues of Europe, Al Jazeera has noted. A …

“I’m curious, and eager to examine those passages in the original Aramaic,” admitted Dina de Garmi of the University of Bologna, Italy. New York, June 14 – Experts in the body of Jewish law and lore called the Talmud voiced amazement and gratitude this week to antisemitic groups spreading passages from the work that the …

The team looked at soccer hooliganism, microbreweries, film, the Scientific Method, paid vacations, fidget spinners, internet memes, museums… Berkeley, June 12 – New research by a team of anthropologists and historians has determined that not a single element of Western culture that developed in Europe and spread to North America did not arise out of …

“We can only wonder how casualty numbers would be different had the authorities in Tehran been able to strike with nuclear technology.” Washington, June 7 – Former Secretary of State John Kerry lamented this morning that the Islamic Republic of Iran does not yet possess atomic weapons, as the deployment of such devices against the …

“The most effective solutions to complex problems are usually the simplest,” said WHO Director-General Tedros Adhanom. Geneva, Switzerland, June 3 – In an unexpectedly ambitious proposal, the World Health Organization announced this morning that it has formulated a plan to completely eliminate AIDS by the end of this calendar year, simply by no longer referring …

“Maybe there’s a magic formula for how many people have to change avatars and retweet the right things before the good guys win.” Plano, Texas, May 28 – A resident of this Dallas-area city has begun to suspect that repeated changes of the image accompanying his Twitter name to the flag of the country most …

“Muslims in the US cannot fulfill their sacred duty of dominating non-Muslims in the current political and legal environment.” Washington, May 24 – A leading advocacy group for Muslims in the US has begun lobbying legislators in several states to support the ratification of an official definition of violence directed at Jews as self-defense, thus …

The president will thus seek to establish dominance in the interaction via the move, signaling his greater masculinity. Washington, May 17 – Aides to US President Donald Trump informed reporters today that when he meets Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu on his trip to the Middle East next week, he will make sure to stress …

The charms that protect the train carriages had caused the explosives some attackers were carrying to detonate. Hogsmeade, May 15 – Terrorists trying to take control of a magical train carrying students back to wizarding school in Scotland were unable to complete their mission, witnesses are reporting, and suffered heavy casualties in the process. A …

The move signals a new approach to Israel’s relations with all the countries who locate their embassies to Israel in Tel Aviv instead of Jerusalem. Jerusalem, May 10 – Amid a frenzy of speculation whether President Donald Trump will authorize moving the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to the nation’s declared capital of …

“Israel’s Independence Day must be a big deal for such a pro-Israel organization. People kept mentioning this Nakba thing in such solemn terms, I thought they were just still in the whole Memorial Day for fallen soldiers from the day before.” Washington, May 3 – An aide to a senior executive at an organization that …

While no section to that effect appears in the document, journalists, commentators, and political figures strove today to describe it as a fundamental change. London, May 1 – Followers of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named put out a a statement today they termed a “political document” that sets down principles for an interim solution to wizard-muggle conflicts but does …

“It seems the so-called progressive media reserve their progressive attitude only for those in the same part of the political spectrum as they.” Washington, April 27 – Associates of Melania Trump complained today of the consistent trend in reporting on the president’s wife to assume he or she is female. The First Lady, who married …

George Soros, the Rockefeller Foundation, the Ford Foundation, and the European Commission have provided annual grants to Chillul Hashem since 1997. New York, April 23 – Police arrested the deputy director of a non-profit religious organization dedicated to making Jews look bad, saying he had pocketed millions of dollars in contributions to the group. Rabbi Samuel Shanda, …

“What are we, chopped liver?” Babi Yar, Ukraine, April 12 – Members of the special mobile SS killing squads tasked with mass shootings of Jews, intellectuals, clergy, political leaders, Communists, and other groups deemed “undesirable” by the Nazis voiced resentment today at the recent focus on the role of gas chambers in the Holocaust, saying …

To Livingstone, it is clear who must bear the blame for his suffering. London, April 5 – UK Labour figure and former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone claimed today that as a result of his token punishment for spouting antisemitism, the joint connecting his hand to his forearm now has a contusion. Livingstone was not …

“We may have no choice but to take our protests to the next level, whether it involves stoning blasphemers and adulterers or having women subjected to honor killings.” Washington, March 28 – In a bid to demonstrate that the president they accuse of misogyny does not control them, feminist activists announced today they will have …

US and Israeli administrations have clashed previously on American construction projects built on land that was taken from native peoples. Washington, March 27 – Political and diplomatic sensitivities revolving around construction on land taken from indigenous peoples have US President Donald Trump exercising caution before his administration approves development projects in the country’s declared capital, …

“It fits the familiar pattern of the Zionists erasing Palestinian history and claiming it as theirs.” Bismarck, North Dakota, March 22 – Paleontologists exploring the geology and fossilized megafauna of the epoch that precedes the development of anatomically modern humans have concluded that the deteriorating environmental conditions that caused the disappearance of so many large …

“Engaging as a mashgiach someone already beholden to the entity under supervision constitutes a conflict of interest that negates his reliability.” New York, March 15 – The Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America, the world’s largest provider of supervision and certification for food products deemed to adhere to Jewish dietary law, has withheld its …

The Development and Education Regimen for Regimes in the Iran-Egypt Region and Elsewhere (DERRIERE), a project of the USAID program, will see its budget increase by six thousand percent over the next two years. Washington, March 14 – A new Trump administration initiative will increase funding for an agency that teaches Arab-Muslim societies in the …

“Why would they call me a czar, after all, unless I’m supposed to emulate a czar and pursue serious persecution of Jews?” London, March 9 – A Labour Party official appointed by Chairman Jeremy Corbyn to oversee the party’s efforts to combat antisemitism appears to have misinterpreted the title of the position, and is instead …

The dramatic impact the ever-growing size of visiting groups has European leaders wondering what long-term impact another organized, mechanized mass-murder of Jews might contribute to the Continental economy fifty years from now. Oświęcim, Poland, March 5 – Each spring as tens of thousands of Jews from around the world visit the site of the most …

Either way, noted Manager Joe Maddon, the team is approaching Spring Training with the same vigor and enthusiasm. Mesa, AZ, February 29 – Spring training for Major League Baseball kicked off two weeks ago, and the world champion Chicago Cubs are looking forward to another successful season, tempered by uncertainty over whether the International Zionist …

Residents have responded enthusiastically. Berkeley, February 23 – A northern California city has found an ingenious way to reduce car horn noise by appealing to residents’ political leanings. In a series of billboard ads located in high-traffic areas of Berkeley, the municipality’s Traffic Commission invites supporters of President Donald Trump to demonstrate their support for …

“Edward R. Murrow is turning is his grave,” added CBS reporter Scott Pelley. New York, February 19 – In a sign of growing frustration with their troublesome image, news media outlets staged a demonstration yesterday to protest the way the news media portrays them. At a press conference outside City Hall, representatives of FOX News, …

Israeli candy retailers ask few, if any, questions of the importer regarding the freshness of these items. Hershey, PA, February 15 – American manufacturers of specially-shaped chocolate confections for yesterday’s St. Valentine’s Day celebrations have begun the annual process of cataloging, sorting, and warehousing surplus product so that it can be shipped to Israel in …

“Every Jew I know, I guess mostly through work, is kind of an ace in finance,” he explained in a telephone interview. Bronxville, NY, February 8 – A local resident with little direct exposure to Jewish principles and practices confessed himself flummoxed today upon discovering that the term “Jewish values” refers to a set of …

“What did Atlanta expect, taking a 28-3 lead in the third quarter?” Washington, February 6 – Former President Barack Obama and his Secretary of State John Kerry voiced puzzlement today at the Atlanta Falcons’ decision to employ outright force in yesterday’s Super Bowl, when the successes of the “soft power” model offered by the previous …

Conway predicted that if Netanyahu faces trouble at home as a result of several ongoing criminal corruption probes, he might change his mind. Washington, February 1 – Trump administration insiders reported today that Neil Gorsuch, a federal judge nominated to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court, was only asked to accept the appointment …

“The system just isn’t set up to deal with that kind of anomaly.” London, January 25 – The main computer handling incoming dispatches from British Broadcasting Corporation journalists around the world was forced into automatic shutdown this afternoon after a correspondent covering the Israeli-Palestinian conflict included no assumptions of Israeli guilt. A four-minute clip and …

“The Democratic Party, I need not remind you, has been complicit in the mistreatment of our closest ally in the Middle East.” Washington, January 23 – Monies to cover the costs of transferring the US Embassy in Tel Aviv to Jerusalem will not require unanticipated use of State Department funds, a spokesman for President Donald …

Part of the decision, explained adviser Ben Rhodes, was based on the prospect of Trump prioritizing the welfare and happiness of his daughter Ivanka’s family. Washington, January 19 – Among the last moves made by the departing president was the decision not to pack his copy of the self-help book How to Backstab the Jew …

The ruling will help clarify the law regarding a spate of alleged hate crimes in Germany. Frankfurt, January 15 – Following a ruling in which a German court refused to define an attack of a synagogue as antisemtism, instead seeing it as a protest against Israeli policies, the same body acquitted several members of a …

Media coverage of Palestinian violence goes out of its way to avoid assigning blame to the perpetrators, focusing wherever possible on the Israeli response. Molenbeek, Belgium, January 10 – Jihadists around the world have begun to seek Palestinian citizenship as a way to avoid being considered terrorists when they engage in ideologically motivated violence against …

Analysts noted other close parallels between the First Daughters’ approach and the ongoing attitude of Iran to Obama. Washington, January 5 – Sasha and Malia Obama, the daughters of the outgoing US president, followed Iran’s lead in dealing with their father by holding Americans hostage and making demands, all of which the president granted. The …

“We’re following the trail blazed by Jeremy Ben-Ami and his group, with an assist from the New Israel Fund,” explained Roger Gasleiter of JCPOA Associates, a Washington-area firm. Washington, January 1 – Arab and Muslim countries long committed to the destruction of the world’s only Jewish State have taken a page out of left-leaning advocacy …

“This climax of a progressive, eight-year stab-in-the-back of the US’s closest ally in the Middle East gives me the hope I need to get through these difficult times.” Chicago, December 27 – A single mother of two cradling her little boys to her chest as a gangland gun battle rages in her housing project expressed …

“This society cannot allow its safety to be undermined by the actions of such vehicles.” Berlin, December 21 – Following the murder of 12 people and the injury of dozens more when a truck plowed into a crowded Christmas market in the German capital, authorities moved to place severe constraints on the freedom of movement …

“The State should spend generations deceiving them, depriving them, and occasionally throwing them a bone or two.” Washington, December 19 – Top American diplomats recommended that Israel follow the United States’ lead in treatment of people forcibly removed from areas of their homeland, specifically advising that the 40 families slated to be taken away from …

“We have to protect the vulnerable population of pillow-fighters who did not ask to be hit.” Oberlin, Ohio, December 14 – A student activity intended to break the social ice and relieve some academic tension at a venerable academic institution has resulted in several Jewish participants facing accusations that they overreacted to other participants’ swinging …

Critics of the measure expressed concern at its strictness. Malmo, December 7 – A spike in reported rapes that coincides with the influx of refugees and migrants from African and Middle Eastern countries into Europe has driven the European Parliament to take decisive steps to combat the sexual violence, leading to a new Continent-wide cap …

Netanyahu aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, declined to comment on the specifics of the offer. Washington, December 5 – President-elect Donald Trump continued to insist today his administration will construct a wall along the US-Mexico border and that Mexico will foot the bill for the multi-billion-dollar project – and the incoming chief executive also …

Experts are divided on both the authenticity of the reports and the wisdom of the move if they are substantiated. Washington, December 1 – Representatives of an accomplished Sicilian international operator declined to offer comment on circulating rumors that he has been contacted by President-elect Donald Trump with inquiries as to whether he would agree …

Cubans now confront the prospect of constructing a heaven-on-earth without their formidable leader’s dedication to to systematic denial of basic human rights to an entire people. Havana, November 27 – Cuban revolutionary leader Fidel Castro died at age 90 on Friday, bringing to a close a period in which he and his brother Raul mysteriously …

“A direct encounter with what these people have to say is preferable than to have it filtered through the lens of our editorial sensibilities.” New York, November 22 – A post-election assessment of the slanted coverage the publication produced during the campaign has led the paper of record to opt for a new openness and …

Bensouda and her colleagues now face the prospect of a raft of withdrawals from the Court and the undermining of their effort to uphold international law. The Hague, November 17 – Plagued by a spate of recent withdrawals from the treaty that established the International Criminal Court, the body will try to prevent more nations …

“Given the uncontrolled violence we’ve come to associate with Trump supporters, we’re going to keep looking until there’s something to report. “ New York, November 13 – Post-election investigation has found that less than a week after the United States elected Donald Trump as its next president, violent acts against minorities or political opponents remain unlawful …

“I have six boys to clothe and can barely afford food, let alone new shirts for them. But I still have some shame.” Kigali, Rwanda, November 9 – Tribal elders and heads of families are reporting that under no circumstances do they or their children want to accept the surplus or used promotional attire from …

“This commission agreed unanimously that training our young people to embrace this future is the wisest course of action.” Brussels, November 2 – A special commission of the European Parliament submitted its binding recommendations to the legislature today on the subject of absorbing the influx of Muslims from war-torn or economically depressed countries in Africa …

Because of its Israeli pedigree, opponents of Israel’s existence and policies who study at the Urbana-Champaign campus have seized on it as a target of their pro-Palestinian advocacy. Chicago, October 31 – A chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine is calling for a local community center to cancel its plans to give instruction in …

Duke always billed himself as a Christian-values candidate. Baton Rouge, October 26 – The latest Wikileaks release of communiques among political officials includes mention of a homosexual affair involving white supremacist and former Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard David Duke and a Jewish man, PreOccupied Territory has learned. Newsroom researchers sifting through the …

Representatives of the local clergy expressed satisfaction at the decision. Geneva, October 13 – The United Nations Human Rights Council held a session today on the Prague Jewish community’s use of a golem to defend against massacres by the non-Jewish populace, and voted to condemn the use of such measures as illegally impinging on the …

The family will be represented at the White House Tent of Mourning by the Palestine Liberation Organization’s ambassador to Washington. Washington, October 10 – The White House moved today to show solidarity with the family of a Palestinian man shot to death by Israeli police yesterday, and set up a mourning venue on the South …

Ali Abunimah has been documenting cases of what he has come to call “aid-washing.” Haiti, October 5 – Hurricane Matthew swept through this impoverished nation yesterday, leaving behind devastation and yet another humanitarian crisis – a breach into which a well-practiced, efficient operation of Israeli medical and other assistance will soon step, highlighting the concern …

Persistent accusations and documentation of antisemitism have dogged Labour under Corbyn since the start of his term. London, September 27 – Newly-reelected Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn promised to improve his approach to addressing concerns of anti-Jewish prejudice in the ranks of his organization today, saying he would enlist his friends from the Islamist movements Hamas …

The change will take place at the urging of President Barack Obama, who is eager to help reduce racial and religious tensions. Washington, September 22 – A spike in antisemitic incidents in the last eighteen months has led the Department of Justice to reconsider its treatment of hate-crime statistics, with the main thrust of the …

The Clintons’ daughter Chelsea was not in the vicinity of the explosion and was not harmed. New York, September 18 – A bomb detonated in Manhattan’s Chelsea neighborhood Saturday, leading Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to voice her assessment that her daughter Chelsea was the intended victim. Ms. Clinton made the remark at a campaign …

The agent has a history of vigilante and maverick behavior, but his skills, personal contacts, and resourcefulness remain unmatched. New York, September 13 – Senior commanders in Israel’s secret intelligence service voiced frustration and anger yesterday with an operative who went against explicit orders by causing Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to lose consciousness and …

“This way we can allow the values we share to shine through.” New York, September 8 – In what organizers are calling a manifestation of religious tolerance, for the first time a Muslim religious leader will ceremonially introduce a session of the United Nations Security Council, directing the delegates in a joint recitation of passages from …

“The best thing we can do for these people seeking a better life is to emulate the places they are fleeing as closely as possible.” Stockholm, September 4 – The Swedish Ministry of Justice and Migration has launched a program to recruit women volunteers for purposes of undergoing sexual assault and forced coitus by Muslim migrants …

“We’ve always had a nagging sense that we needed to go back and tackle this topic.” Las Vegas, August 30 – A duo of prominent stage magicians known for their outspoken stances on political issues and for their vocal support of skepticism toward many widely-held beliefs have announced they will produce a once-off revival of their …

“It goes against everything Western society stands for, to discriminate against Muslims like that,” he said of Trump’s proposal. Cannes, August 24 – A country where ten separate municipalities have enacted a prohibition against attire traditionally worn by Muslim women is calling the American Republican presidential candidate racist for proposing tighter controls over Muslims seeking …

“He’s been sitting on this thing forever,” said one staffer. Washington, August 18 – Sources close to US President Barack Obama reported today that immediately after returning to private life, the president intends to finally lay to rest questions of his legitimacy for the office he held for eight years, by releasing the original copy of …

One of the key prerequisites for improper discrimination to be defined as such, according to objective international standards, is that it be perpetrated by Jews. Cannes, August 15 – New scientific research has confirmed a long-suspected hypothesis according to which discriminatory policies against Muslims are acceptable in places such as France, Russia, and elsewhere, but …

“Our Rio Platform should put paid to the notion that we have some sort of obsessive focus on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.” Rio de Janeiro, Augist 10 – One of the world’s leading human rights organizations has launched an interactive database app that shows how Israel is to blame for each of the civilian deaths taking place …

“I think we all know who stands to gain from disaster on an international scale.” Rio de Janeiro, August 3 – This year’s Olympic Summer Games, scheduled to open on August 5, have seen a level of controversy and mismanagement unmatched in all prior Olympiads, leading observers to conclude that only the Israeli secret intelligence service …

It is in keeping with France’s newfound – which is to say, rediscovered – honesty over how the society feels about Jews. Paris, August 1 – Following the omission of Jews from the litanies of terrorist attack victims in France over the last several years, the country’s official historians have similarly revised downward the tally of World …

“You can’t use those!” they yelled. “Every time you buy one you support Occupation!” Philadelphia, July 28 – Demonstrators outside the Democratic National Convention at the Wells Fargo Center in the City of Brotherly Love became enmeshed in a vociferous dispute today after advocates of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel discovered that other …

“We’re not blessed the way Earth is with a minority that can be conveniently and universally blamed for all ills.” Kepler-62f, Lyra constellation, July 24 – The inhabitants of this rocky spheroid in orbit around the star Kepler-62 have been coerced by circumstances into addressing and developing solutions for problems that Earthlings would avoid by …

“The instability and piracy of Somalia will probably mean a double dose of ICBMs.” New York, July 19 – The United Nations Security Council voted 12-3 today to accept a joint European-American proposal to bring the horrific violent conflicts in Africa to an end by obliterating all human life there with nuclear weapons. Protracted civil …

“You can tell he’s taking a page out my playbook – no, he’s taking my playbook and using it without permission, the bastard.” Cleveland, July 19 – Amid the backlash against apparent plagiarism by the wife of the presumptive GOP presidential nominee in her speech at the Republican National Convention, former German Chancellor Adolph Hitler …

Students for Justice in Tibet, Students for Justice in Crimea, Students for Justice in Nagorno-Karabakh, and several other nonexistent groups expressed varying degrees of agreement. New York, July 14 – While the plight of the Palestinians gets much attention on college and university campuses across the US, grassroots student movements in support of other people …

“I’m a homosexual, so the Nazis are doing this to me for two separate reasons, as opposed to your measly one.” Oswiecim, German-occupied Poland, July 11 – Some of the newly-arrived Jews being packed naked into the gas chamber at the Birkenau extermination facility have told others they may not weigh in the situation without …

“At least the The Donald hasn’t explicitly disavowed the support of white supremacists.” Boise, July 6 – Followers of Hitlerian National Socialism objected today to Donald Trump’s presidential campaign’s use of a “sheriff’s star” in an image targeting opponent Hillary Clinton, noting that their movement first employed the star as an identifier of undesirables more …

“Some issues are too important to be subjected to partisan politics.” Trenton, June 29 – As part of a legislative package passed on Monday that barred the state pension fund from investing in companies that boycott Israel, New Jersey General Assembly and Senate members also initiated a mandated weekly activity in which one lawmaker will …

Firearms are shielded by the Second Amendment, not the First. Washington, June 27 – This morning, President Obama ordered the immediate implementation of a ban on all firearms of the Muslim persuasion from entering the US, following weeks of tension over gun control, immigration, Islamic terrorism, and prejudice against gays that followed a shooting attack …

“No matter what the result, we have a way of explaining how it benefits Jewish control of the world.” London, June 23 – Observers across the globe are watching the progress and outcome of Britain’s referendum today, anxious to discover whether the Jews who control global affairs have ruled that the UK will remain in …

“I wonder if this is borne out statistically in the public health realm,” said Infectious Diseases specialist Angela Merkel of Berlin University. Göttingen, June 19 – Scientists at the University of Göttingen have discovered that the cells responsible for fighting off infection in in the bodies of Europeans do not respond as aggressively to bacteria …

“This should be useful,” said Donald Drumpf, a New York businessman with a keen interest in demographic studies. Burlington, June 14 – A recent examination of the various social relationships involving Senator Bernie Sanders indicates that a number of his more intimate acquaintances have Jewish ancestry or faith. The challenger to Hillary Clinton for the …

“There hasn’t been a crisis this big in the AAA since the Vietnam War,” said Executive Director Ed Liebow. Arlington, VA, June 8 – At the headquarters of this 10,000-strong organization, academics are reeling from the suggestion by one of its more extreme members that the American Anthropological Association engage in the heretofore unspeakable practice …

“We can now put this unfortunate episode behinds us,” intoned Corbyn. London, June 2 – A study of the sea floor commissioned by the Labour Party to look for evidence of bias against Jews has concluded that the phenomenon does not exist, the party’s leader announced today. MP Jeremy Corbyn told reporters that an exhaustive survey of …

Israel only came into existence in 1948 as a state, and could therefore not be selected as a target when nuclear weapons first became available. Hiroshima, Japan, May 29 – US President Barack Obama paid a historic visit to the first place ever struck by atomic weapons in hostility and apologized for the carnage it …

“Have we been consistently on message in that respect?” Burlington, May 24 – Senator Bernie Sanders told campaign staff last night that he still has concerns that he had not made his acceptance of Islamic terrorism sufficiently plain to the electorate, campaign sources reported this morning. At a late-night strategy meeting at his campaign headquarters, the …

Refraining from hygiene, as it turns out, also contributes to a reduced likelihood of sex. Atlanta, May 19 – A new study by the Centers for Disease Control suggests that people only engage in sex and personal hygiene practices when under the control or influence of Jewish puppetmasters. Researchers at the Public Health and Policy …

Prudent stewardship of government-managed riots, hunger, and general unrest has the potential to make up for lost oil revenue. Caracas, May 15 – As the economy worsens and the prospect of forcible government action to forestall the closure of factories becomes more likely, President Nicolas Maduro, wary of leaving the risks to the vagaries of …

Experts warned that correlation does not imply causation. London, May 11 – An analysis of the scale and drivers of antisemitism in Britain’s Labor Party has found a statistically significant correlation between the phenomenon and days ending in the letter y, researchers have confirmed. Researchers at the Institute for Demographic Investigation of Objectionable Topics (IDIOT) looking …

“It requires only a semantic change, not a policy alteration in the slightest.” Berlin, May 5 – A consultant in Public Relations has suggested to the leadership of the Nazi Party that they will encounter less international opposition to their anti-Jewish policies if they use the term “Zionists” instead of “Jews” in their propaganda. Al E. Abunima …

It will be available at post offices the entire month of May, or until hoarders and black marketeers make them unobtainable by standard means. London, May 1 – In honor of the international socialist workers’ holiday on this date, governments around the world have jointly issued a new postage stamp that features, in large typeface, a …

“We were looking for ideas that would convey the same seriousness as when this body addresses Israel.” Geneva, April 20 – On the heels of a resolution ignoring the Jewish pedigree of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, and accusing Israel of forging roots in the land by planting what it called fake graves, the United …

“Nobody invites trust the way Bill Cosby does.” Washington, April 13 – Amid continued revelations that the Obama administration has failed to push back against Iran’s repeated violations of the nuclear deal struck last year, the president has engaged the services of trusted comic icon Bill Cosby to reassure worried citizens that all is going according to …

“Obviously, the most prudent political course involves not expressing certain things at all – it’s best not to have any actual personal convictions other than ‘say what will get you elected’.” Chappaqua, NY, April 10 – The frontrunner for the Democratic Party presidential nomination expressed puzzlement today at continued revelations of antisemitism among British Labor …

Predictions differ over whether a post-presidency conversion will have real political implications. Washington, DC, April 4 – Barack Obama has decided to wait until after he completes his presidency to undergo formal adoption of Islam as his faith, White House sources announced today. At the daily press briefing this morning, spokesman Josh Earnest told reporters that …

“The double standard glares.” Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, March 30 – Leaders of the rogue North Korean state expressed jealousy and resentment today that Iran’s violations of its agreements with the West over the country’s nuclear weapons program had only produced better treatment from those powers, whereas North Korea’s refusal to adhere to …

“We know better than to let a fascist ideology creep across the continent without taking forceful measures of abject surrender in response.” Brussels, March 23 – The deadly terrorist attacks in the Belgian capital Tuesday have sparked a fierce desire across the Continent to depart from the complacency and accommodation of the past in the face …

“It’s nice and quiet here, but I’ll be going back to my mate and to Asghar soon, and that will be nice, too.” London, March 16 – A piece of footwear surreptitiously taken from the residence of a British Muslim activist last summer still anticipates its imminent return to his closet, sources at a Mossad …

“Ego does funny things to the brain.” Canberra, March 14 – A pro-Palestinian activist whose application for a visa to enter Australia was denied believes for some reason that he is so prominent and dangerous that the sinister forces of the International Zionist Conspiracy™ saw to it that the application was rejected, as if they have …

“It was a last-minute choice between standing by our principles and making our voice heard. So of course we used the signs.” Berkeley, March 10 – Advocates of a boycott against Israel have been using placards, signs, banners, and other protest materials manufactured by Israelis living in controversial settlements, PreOccupied Territory has learned. At a …

Trump’s intolerance contrasts with those unwilling to adopt Western values of tolerance, the State’s monopoly on force, or equality. Frankfurt, March 6 – European political and public figures responsible for the influx of countless radical Islamists onto the Continent warned today that Donald Trump presents a serious threat to the economy and stability of the …

The Terrible Republican Ugly Man for President (TRUMP) project is proceeding according to plan. Moscow, March 2 – Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated his staff today on the successful completion of yet another phase in the project to undermine his country’s chief economic and political rival by causing them to elect Donald Trump as the …

After all, it worked with Iran. Washington, February 25 – As the presidential campaign heats up, Secretary of State John Kerry weighed in on the prospect of a Republican victory in November by proposing a repeat of the diplomatic success he arranged with Iran last year to induce the party establishment to moderate its views …

“Israeli insistence on its own security, sovereignty, and survival disempowers Muslims, whose culture takes Islamic superiority for granted.” Stockholm, February 21 – As a trend of sexual assaults on women continues, perpetrated by groups of immigrant men from Muslim countries, disagreement has arisen among European politicians, journalists, and pundits regarding whom to blame for the phenomenon: …

A scramble ensued in the Sociology and Political Science departments in the wake of the announcement. Oxford, February 17 – Students pursuing an academic degree in Jew-hatred at one of the world’s oldest and most prestigious universities may now face the prospect of having their program eliminated, an administrative official said today. Facing reports that …

“Jews are collectively responsible for Palestinian suffering, and for using collective punishment.” Davis, California, February 10 – A group of activists campaigning for the boycott of, divestiture from, and sanctions against Israel reported to the Health Services Unit at the University of California campus today complaining of shoulder, neck, and upper back pain after an …

Commission President Wroclaw Buttinski told reporters the program will be modeled very closely on the prototype activities in Israeli-controlled territory. Charlotte, February 8 – Following the dismantling of a Carolina Panthers squad by the Denver Broncos on Sunday, the foreign policy arm of the European Union announced that it would fund the reconstruction of the …

It will no longer leave the tendentious headline-writing only to the likes of CNN, The New York TImes, Reuters, AP, Agence France-Presse, The Guardian, The Times of London, and Al Jazeera. New York, February 3 – The Columbia Broadcasting Corporation took a major step today toward establishing its credentials as a major player in reportage of the …

Kerry will also examine the benefits of removing the Israeli flag from the lobby of the State Department. Washington, January 30 – US Secretary of State John Kerry ordered the women among his office’s staff to don modest attire in keeping with Islamic sensibilities when he is on his daily phone conversations with Iran’s Foreign …

Rumors included continued fighting in Syria and Iraq, terrorist attacks on Israelis, and something called “ISIL.” Boston, January 25 – Unconfirmed reports from around the globe appear to indicate that Sunday’s American Football Conference championship game between the teams representing New England and Denver was not the only occurrence of significance yesterday, officials say. US …

“I often still yearn for that hands-on involvement in causes in which I believe.” Washington, January 21 – US President Barack Obama expressed support for the Palestinian struggle for statehood today, admitting that he harbored some envy for them over the fact that he is currently forced to settle for stabbing Israel in the back …

“Do I hate Jews because I identify with the oppressed nonwhite, or do I hate Jews because I want to defend my white heritage from them?” Berkeley, January 17 – A local man attracted to antisemitic and anti-Israel rhetoric is unable to decide whether the radical right antisemites or the radical left antisemites put forth …

Former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters said he had been hoping to give Bowie a self-righteous piece of his mind. London, January 12 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement targeting Israel reacted to the passing of rock legend David Bowie yesterday by expressing regret that they never got the opportunity to harass, …

“What the Frank family, from Otto on down, was doing was nothing less than a crime.” Amsterdam, January 8 – The human rights organization Btselem defended the unknown persons who revealed Anne Frank’s hiding place in this city, saying that whoever did so was reporting a crime, which should be a good thing. Organization spokeswoman …

The two nations offer vastly different models for oppression of one’s own as an international political tool. Pyongyang, January 7 – As tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia heat up, leaders in Teheran have sent delegations to the Gaza Strip and North Korea to learn how to improve the government’s skills at subjecting its own citizenry …

When Iran pursues nuclear weapons technology outside the scope of the JCPOA, it is crucial not to make too much noise about it, lest they pursue nuclear weapons technology outside the scope of the JCPOA. Washington, January 3 – President Barack Obama told the US military to intercept any news that Iran is violating the …

He even issued an order yesterday that the thirty-seventh president is not to be mentioned in his presence. Washington, December 30 – Aides to the president expressed concern for his mental health this week, saying that Barack Obama keeps asking others in the White House if they can also see the ghost of disgraced former …

“Dude…no,” said a Nazi representative. London, December 23 – Firebrand MP and former Mayor of Bradford George Galloway expressed a desire to return to Labor, following his failure to join the Nazi Party, who dismissed him as too racially prejudiced. Galloway, currently sitting in Parliament as a member of the Respect Party, was expelled from …

Keeping Iran happy is key to Obama’s strategy of enlisting them in the campaign against the Islamic State. Washington, December 21 – President Barack Obama’s administration is interpreting the recent nuclear agreement with Iran so broadly that it gives the Islamic republic the right to deprive individual Americans of their legally-owned firearms, analysts are noting. …

“If they like and admire me so much, as they claim, why do they do that?” Umpteenth Circle of Hell, December 17 – Former leader of Nazi Germany Adolph Hitler expressed disgust and exasperation at people who seek to deny his genocide of Jews in the 1930’s and 40’s, Stygian sources report. The Führer, as …

If successful, the bombing campaign will be expanded to other Islamist strongholds, such as Belgium and Sweden. London, December 9 – British Prime Minister David Cameron announced plans this afternoon to send the Royal Air Force to conduct airstrikes against a concentration of militant Islamic radicals in a place called France, news sources reported today. …

Americans most likely to harbor sympathy for Islamists are also more suspicious of guns and gun users. Hebron, December 7 – Palestinian activists sympathetic to the aims of Islamists in the US advised would-be terrorists planning attacks in that country to shift tactics from mass shootings to what has become a trademark of Palestinian terrorism, …

To the modern ear, the notion of a US president with balls strikes a dissonant chord. Washington, December 2 – Researchers excavating in the US capital have discovered what they say are indications that there was a period in the distant past during which the chief executive of the American government had balls, the group …

“The first move should involve a moratorium on radiation therapy and chemotherapy, as a confidence-building measure.” Atlanta, November 25 – In a bid to reduce tensions and lower the level of open conflict in a war going back decades, US President Barack Obama urged both sides in the War on Cancer to come to the negotiating …

If atheist suicide bombers are underrepresented in stories of terrorism, we cannot escape the question of whether that stems from biased coverage of conflict zones. New York, November 23 – Worried that the perpetrators of terrorist acts in recent years have been disproportionately Muslim, the editorial board of The New York Times decided today to …

Elders of Zion Inner Council Chairman Maury Geltman wanted something more for his grandson to mark the boy’s coming of age. New York, November 19 – Visiting dignitaries and other special guests are given the honor of ringing the opening bell to kick off trading at the New York Stock Exchange, but international financier and Elders …

“It’s been a very long time since I got real this often, and this badly,” said sh*t. Paris, November 15 – Following the murders of 129 people in the French capital Friday night, sh*t expressed its frustration and irritation at the frequency and intensity with which it has become real. Seven separate but coordinated terrorist …

EU officials privately acknowledge that footnotes in the textbooks will be allowed to allude to the economic and social pressure concomitant with the star-wearing requirement. Brussels, November 11 – Following today’s European Union decision to label imports of Israeli goods manufactured in occupied territory, explaining it merely as an informational tool for consumers, the body will also …

Analysts believe the gesture has more to do with satisfying certain domestic constituencies than with any moral sense. Washington, November 10 – US President Barack Obama today ordered the State Department to issue entry visas to the more than 900 Jewish refugees fleeing Nazi Germany aboard the MS St. Louis, departing from the policy of …

It remains unclear how receptive Greeks will be to any such demand, as the flag of Greece in its current form dates back to 1822, more than seven decades before the rise of political Zionism.

“If washed-up performers such as Elvis Costello can desperately insert themselves into headlines by announcing a boycott, there’s no reason we can’t ride the same wave.” Mahwah, New Jersey, November 1 – A local band struggling to make a name for itself has hit upon a plan to leverage the celebrity of artists promoting the …

Despite the parallels between Liberia and Israel, the study found that almost no one accuses African-Americans of placing loyalty to their brethren in West Africa above loyalty to the US. Washington, October 27 – A recent study shows that despite the established model of accusing American Jews of primary loyalty to Israel, African-Americans do not …

Complicating matters is that the custodians of the site, an entity called the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, has overseen the construction of a 94-story office tower where the Twin Towers once stood. Paris, October 20 – The United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization is considering a proposal to deem the …

“They had a five-run lead in the bottom of the ninth last night. The objective did not warrant such a display of pitching.” Chicago, October 22 – Major League Baseball will open an inquiry into whether the New York Mets went overboard offensively in defeating the Chicago Cubs in the National League Championship Series last …

Critics of the administration and of the secretary dismissed his announcement, saying the time is not ripe for such an attempt. Washington, October 18 – US Secretary of State John Kerry reprimanded Nazi Germany and European Jewry today, calling on both sides to put an end to the violence gripping them. At a press conference …

“Volkswagen’s origins in 1930’s Germany are an appropriate metaphor for the current process,” said Zarif. Wolfsburg, Germany, October 14 – Automotive giant Volkswagen has been selected to perform some of the important monitoring functions of the Iran nuclear deal, the International Atomic Energy Agency announced today. The manufacturer’s chief role will involve the development and …

In a landmark case earlier this year, the ICC also overturned the Nuremberg convictions of several prominent Nazi war criminals. The Hague, Netherlands, October 7 – The International Criminal Court formalized today what many analysts have long assumed to be accepted International Law, ruling that the stabbing of Jews is a legitimate and legal act …

Amnesty chose the United states because the human rights situation there is far more urgent and troubling than in, for example, Sudan, Libya, Iraq, Iran, Russia, Yemen, China, Afghanistan, Guatemala, Somalia, Venezuela, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Lebanon. Ukraine, Egypt, Turkey… New York, October 6 – Building on its engagement with Palestinian activist Bassem Tamimi, political …

“Already, Arabic has the most speakers here of almost any language, or will within just a few years if current migration trends remain steady,” said Raisa Weissflagg, a spokeswoman for the European Parliament. Brussels, September 25 – The large numbers of migrants and refugees from the Middle East and Africa have confronted Europe with formidable …

“It might be a stretch, of course, because how many left-wing politicians have been known to actually side with terrorists?” London, September 18 – Video footage and photographic evidence of British Labor Party leader Jeremy Corbyn delivering the keynote address at an event dominated by supporters of terrorist organizations such as Hezbollah might result in people …

The writing contains fiction that illuminates the human condition as seen from inside the minds of characters unable to see outside a certain myopic framing of the region’s troubles. New York, September 9 – The paper of record added another award to its sizable collection today, with its coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict earning it the …

The situation pits the Continental culture’s stated commitment to universal human rights against its proven will to kill off undesirables. Budapest, September 4 – The Continent has absorbed hundreds of thousands of refugees from Africa and the Middle East this year, testing its people with the unprecedented notion of refraining from mass killings of the largely …

The report documents the financial advantages of Jewishness via extensive citations from the scholarly work The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion. Beijing, August 30 – China’s turbulent economic fortunes have the country’s leadership considering a new economic policy that involves making the whole nation Jewish in order to optimize their banking capabilities. Inflation, the aftereffects of …

“Isn’t Africa teeming with, like, diamonds?” Bratislava, Slovakia, August 24 – The influx of refugees and others seeking a better life to the north of the Mediterranean has sparked talk of a crisis in Europe, as hundreds of thousands of African make their way onto the Continent – a crisis that stems partly from the …

The vocalist in the song mispronounces the word as if it is English, further generating confusion over the message. Hamburg, August 19 – Germans and German-speakers are expressing puzzlement at what, by its title, should be a song about German persecution of Jews, but whose lyrics do not seem to express any such sentiment. Paul …

Kerry accused deal opponents of orchestrating the revelation. Vienna, August 12 – Hotel staffers cleaning up after the nuclear negotiations between Iran the p5+1 world powers last month came across what appears to be a secret element of the deal that emerged, in the form of a document that attests to the birth of Barack Hussein …

It includes scores for more than 100 historic synagogues. Brussels, August 10 – The European Union has published a new guidebook for tourists and tour guides interested in visiting houses of worship, updated to reflect the sensibilities of today’s discerning traveler. As such, it includes a rating system that gives synagogues on the Continent a …

He added that many other high-ranking officials in Tehran would probably also have to pack their bags. New York, August 5 – The frontrunner in the Republican race toward nomination for president vowed today that if elected, when it comes to Iran he would apply his usual method for dealing with troublesome people, and would have the …

The organization insists it thoroughly screens its applicants for real offenses, such as affiliation with known sympathizers of US or Israeli policies. New York, August 2 – A spokeswoman for the human rights organization Amnesty International dismissed calls for the group to weed out its employees and volunteers who espouse anti-Jewish attitudes, saying that such …

Aides say Kerry aimed to make at least some cosmetic changes as part of the effort to soften Israeli opposition to the Iran nuclear deal. Washington, July 27 – The US Department of State modified its hiring procedures this week, making a potential hire’s anti-Israel prejudice an advantage rather than an essential requirement to land the …

Avoiding those areas will mean no passing over Israel’s pre-1967 boundaries, either, since almost any orbital paths over the occupied zones would involve passing over Israel immediately before or after. Darmstadt, Germany, July 21 – The European intergovernmental agency that promotes and pursues space flight and space exploration has adopted new procedures for its space …

The US has sustained damage to its morality stocks before, but not to the extent that it nearly undermined the entire moral framework of the society. Brussels, July 16 – Fresh off a new agreement with Greece to restructure the bailout plan after the country defaulted on billions in debt to other European countries, the Continent’s …

Those chapters will be hamstrung in their efforts to reestablish themselves as members of the organization in good standing. Urbana-Champaign, Illinois, July 13 – An anti-Israel student group sowed confusion today when the chapter president announced that, in what appeared to be a technical foul-up, the organization’s regional delegates had somehow voted to boycott themselves. …

They specifically cited the bold contrasts of color and demeanor in the beheading films. Hollywood, July 8 – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Board of Governors approved new rules and campaign regulations for the 88th Academy Awards at their most recent Board meeting last Tuesday night, passing a measure under which videos of Islamic State fighters beheading …

“In prewar Germany, blaming Jews was an essential element of the economic system that pulled the country out of the Great Depression.” Athens, July 2 – Accusing Jewish bankers and currency speculators of being behind Greece’s recent monetary woes has proved inexplicably useless in getting the country out of its economic morass, Greek officials are …

“It’s exactly the kind of cosmetic change that we at the EU have always preferred when addressing fundamental, even existential, challenges.” Brussels, June 28 – The European Union has engaged the former Minister of Magic to help the alliance create the impression that they are actually doing something about the increasing threat of radical Islam. Rufus …

“The Council may feel it must lead in these matters, but that does not mean it should do so by making its own achievements untouchable.” Geneva, June 23 – The level of bias and cynicism at play in the United Nations Human Rights Council’s report on last year’s war between Israel and Hamas has experts …

The Council can no longer ignore the bush-league quality of its own corruption. Geneva, June 22 – Exposure of a massive corruption scandal with world soccer’s governing organization at its center has helped the United Nations Human Rights Council find its next presidents, sources within the Council report. Last month several high-ranking FIFA officials were arrested in …

“Being Israeli by definition makes a person an oppressor, or at least an enabler of oppression, and it’s disingenuous to say that that Israeliness, that culpability, is somehow negated by advocating BDS.” Limerick, Ireland, June 17 – Students at the University of Limerick who seek to isolate Israel voted this week to sever all ties with …

Mainstream French society delights in tasteful doses of prejudice against Jews but finds direct manifestations of it grotesque. Paris, June 16 – The government of France issued a stern admonishment to the management of the Louvre Museum Tuesday, warning it that displays of anti-Jewish and anti-Israeli prejudice must be much more subtle than the institution’s recent refusal …

It is up to the president to decide how to conduct the country’s most counterproductive and humiliating foreign policy in more than a century. Washington, June 9 – In a 6-3 ruling, on Monday the Supreme Court ruled that successive US presidential administrations had acted on a constitutionally sound basis to instruct the State Department …

A number of indie – short for indifada – studios specialize in adapting the blood libel cachet to current goings-on. Pallywood, June 2 – Studio executives in this field know an international sensation when they see one, often before most others do. That ability is what gives an edge in the media production industry, where …

“If it really becomes necessary we can just give them the Hillel House.” Davis, CA, May 25 – Administrators at the University of California at Davis have announced plans to find an appropriate venue for a facility open only to antisemites, hoping to provide anti-Israel and anti-Jewish students with a place on campus that affords …

Of Johannes Brahms, Felix Mendelssohn, Franz Schubert, the entire Bach family, Josef Haydn, Claude Debussy, Antonio Vivaldi, Georg Frederic Handel, and many other influential composers, not a single one has announced a planned trip to Israel since the current round of BDS activity began. Vienna, May 13 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions (BDS) movement …

Cowardiss said a similar situation exists with reference to an apparent shift in the meaning of the word ‘progressive.’ Oxford, UK, May 13 – The next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary will feature a new definition of the term ‘racist’ that reflects the word’s usage in characterizing any effort to portray violence by Palestinians in a …

“I would never have assumed the Jewish media overlords would permit such things to happen. But here we are,” said UN adviser Richard Falk. New York, May 7 – Analysts at the United Nations held a meeting today to discuss the curious phenomenon of the Zionist-controlled international media somehow being unable to prevent the media from indulging in nearly continuous …

Hassan linked Jews to plague, autism, chemtrails, and pollution from hydrofracking, doing so with a fluidity and facility that astounded. Dearborn, MI, April 29 – Local hairdresser Malik Hassan regularly wows customers with his uncanny ability to convincingly argue that Jews are behind every negative phenomenon ever documented, Detroit-area sources reported Wednesday. Mr. Hassan, 28, …

“There is too much at stake to go headlong into a full-blown confrontation over every incident.” Washington, April 29 – Iranian cars stopped and seized the vehicles carrying and escorting US Vice President Joe Biden through New York’s streets today, and took him and his staff into custody at the country’s mission to the United Nations. …

The Obama administration was so taken with this newfound sense of initiative on the part of the Security Council that they decided such a development should be endorsed even at Israel’s expense. Geneva, April 25 – Seeking to save time and effort in case Israel responds militarily to recent attacks by Palestinians, the United Nations …

The new issue acknowledges the central role that the International Zionist Conspiracy plays in American governance, while maintaining the quest to honor a woman. Washington, April 18 – The campaign to replace the visage of President Andrew Jackson on the American twenty-dollar note with that of a woman came to an end today with an announcement by …

Monitoring measures include the hiring of independent consultant Tyrone Rugen to oversee the clandestine portions of the Florinian international relations program. Florin, April 7 – Royal representatives announced today that the US had agreed to remove its trade sanctions against Florin in exchange for guarantees that its ruler Prince Humperdinck would desist from starting wars …

Arranging for Germans to participate in the mass slaughter of innocents can prevent recurrences of the Germanwings crash. Dusseldorf, Germany, April 1 – Aviation officials probing the life of the pilot who crashed a Germanwings aircraft into the Alps and killed all 150 aboard last week have discovered that the man sought to prove that someone …

“We express our heartfelt sympathy to the people of Hitler’s country over the loss of such a visionary leader.” Washington, March 25 – US President Barack Obama plans to correct a historical omission this year when, for the first time, an American administration will offer sympathy to the people of Germany on the day marking …

Netanyahu, for his part, took a gracious tone, telling Obama the victory could not have been accomplished without his efforts. Washington, March 18 – The stunning reelection of Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu yesterday prompted insistence from US President Barack Obama that he welcomes the outcome as a democratic expression of the wish of the …

White House spokesmen scrambled to perform damage control, claiming the recording is fake. Washington, March 16 – US President Barack Obama forgot a microphone was still on today when he referred to the collapse of the Twin Towers in 2001 as a “false flag” event actually perpetrated by American agents using hidden explosives. Obama was …

Professor Roelle has become the target of literally three calls for apology and correction, a veritable torrent of criticism. Urbana-Champaign, Illinois, March 10 – In an unprecedented occurrence, a left-wing professor at a prestigious university has used her limited knowledge of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to portray her negative assessment of Israeli policies as established fact, …

Experts believe more people in suits will continue to talk about the first man in the suit in the weeks to come, unless something more compelling grabs the media’s attention, such as a piece of attire with ambiguous hues. Washington, March 3 – A middle-aged man in business attire apparently just gave a speech to …

Ottawa, February 28 – A survey of Canadians reveals that the vast majority of them are sawry that manifestations of antisemitism have appeared in the country, as many of them thought Canada had pro-gressed beyond such phenomena. A poll conducted by the Jewish think-tank the Hebrew Organization for Social and Educational Research (HOSER) last week indicated …

“I always thought that Israel was the only place with those problems, and that J-Street was the legitimate, representative voice of American Jewry. Why didn’t anyone tell me otherwise?” Boston, February 22 – A just-released poll confirms fears about a disturbing trend among American Jewish youth, many of whom apparently do not automatically foam at …

“Few sights move me, as a Frenchman, more than thousands of Jewish graves.” Paris, February 16 – Prime Minister of Israel Binyamin Netanyahu reiterated a call for European Jews to move to Israel this week in the wake of yet another attack on Jews on the Continent, prompting indignance from European governments, who cited mass …

The J Street survey posited a hypothetical situation in which a man named Adolph Hitler were born in Iowa in 1883, and asked whether the respondents would support him if he decided to change his name in the 1930’s. Washington, February 12 – Left-leaning advocacy organization J-Street announced today that in addition to showing 84% …

“We all know the Supreme Court is in the pocket of the powerful Indonesian lobby,” said university provost Shari Alaw. Washington, February 11 – The University of California Student Association approved a declaration Sunday calling for the UC system to divest from a list of countries the Association deems human rights violators, but found itself …

The Court now realizes that calling for the removal of Jews from only the areas that Israel captured in 1967 would be discriminatory. The Hague, Netherlands, February 4 – Following a review of the protocols that form the basis for the International Criminal Court’s jurisdiction, the Court voided the convictions of several Germans convicted at …

“Many important occasions demand his attention and there is no way he can attend them all and still conduct the affairs of state.” Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, January 28 – US President Barack Obama explained his decision today not to participate in the 70th anniversary ceremonies commemorating the liberation of the Auschwitz extermination camp, noting that …

Rowling was last seen donning a Burqa, leaving the building, and blending into the crowd. Edinburgh, Scotland, January 21 – In a shocking revelation, Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling told reporters yesterday that the inspiration for the Lord Voldemort character in her blockbuster series of fantasy novels was none other than the Muslim Prophet Muhammad. Voldemort, also known …

“We cannot in good conscience allow for products under our aegis to be associated with political or religious violence,” said Commission spokeswoman Hedda Pmaias. Brussels, January 21 – In a quick reaction to this morning’s stabbing attack on a Tel Aviv bus, the European Union’s governing body ordered a German bus manufacturer to cease supplying …

Paris, January 14 – French government officials making declarations to the effect that the French Republic remains and will always be a place where Jews can feel at home have been unable to complete those statements this week without bursting into laughter. Following the captivity and slaughter of four French Jews last Friday, and a …

The Hague, The Netherlands, January 7 – Following the lead of the nascent State of Palestine, the international terrorist organization Al Qaeda submitted its application today for membership in the International Criminal Court, specifically seeking the court’s action on actions by the United States and its allies since the 12th of September 2001. Palestinian President Mahmoud …

Brussels, December 31 – Officials at the European Commission have approved a grant to underwrite the design and manufacture of a better-insulated echo chamber for politicians, activists, and academics who oppose Israel. EC spokesman Wyrol Yessmen told representatives of several anti-Israel organizations today that the Commission had approved their application, and that work on the design …

Jerusalem, December 26 – A spate of ethnic violence in a number of Western countries has prompted the Israeli Ministry of Foreign Affairs to put out a travel advisory warning Israelis to avoid those countries if possible. A series of attacks via automobile in several French cities, apparently by Islamists, heightened fears of terrorist activity …

Peshawar, Pakistan, December 17 – Pakistani Taliban competitors surprised judges and spectators alike this week by pulling off a surprise finish in the current round of the Brutality Games by attacking a school, narrowly supplanting Hamas in second place and securing the silver to the Islamic State’s gold. With its assault on a school yesterday in …

Ramallah, December 10 – The Palestinian Authority announced today that it had added the name of the man who stabbed a Lubavicher Hasid in Brooklyn early Tuesday morning to its roster of martyrs whose families receive pensions. Late last night a 40-year-old man entered the Chabad Lubavich world headquarters building on Eastern Parkway with a knife. …

Babi Yar, Ukraine, December 5 – Ecology-oriented parties across the Continent are expressing regret that the Nazis and their collaborators did not display more efficient use of precious space by finding more Jews to fill many partially-empty mass graves, and voice readiness to correct that environmental oversight. Minimizing waste has long been a focus of …

Ferguson, Missouri, November 28 – African-American residents of this town and their supporters from around the nation have yet to hear from either the United Nations Security Council or its Human Rights Council, disappointing many who expected at least one of those bodies to react the same way they do when Israel appears to do …

Chicago, November 22 – A man who earns a comfortable living disseminating criticism of Israel says supporters of Israel make it impossible to criticize Israel, the man told reporters today. Ali Abunimah, 42, lashed out at Israel both online and in the presence of media today for stifling criticism of the Jewish state, referring to the …

Washington, DC, November 14 – State Department officials informed reporters this morning that as of next week they will replace their current spokesperson with a copy of Adolph Hitler’s political manifesto, noting that the work would communicate antipathy to Jews and the Jewish nation just effectively as Jen Psaki, but at a fraction of the …

Sobibór, Occupied Poland, October 14, 1943 – The Jews of this camp in the Government-General region of Poland tried to change the status quo at the site this week, sparking violence that left eleven SS officers and a number of guards dead. The status quo has been in place since Sobibór began its operations in May of …

New York, November 8 – A new United Nations report released today on global phenomena representing existential threats to mankind points to Israel’s construction activity as the leading danger to the species’ survival. The 100-page report by the United Nations Sustainability and Stability Council analyzes nearly a dozen threats facing civilization, including climate change, pollution, …

Cherry Hill, New Jersey, November 3 – Nerds and bullies clashed today at a local school when geek extremists visited the third-most-important bully hangout site without permission. The clashes began when a Poindexter study group entered the school library with pencils and notebooks. According to agreements already in place, nerds are allowed to visit the …

Brussels, October 28 – Technical difficulties may prove a challenge, but the governing arm of the European Union is looking into methods for delivering aid to the avalanche in Nepal that killed several Israelis two weeks ago. The move would continue the European Commission’s efforts to finance entities that kill, maim, or threaten Jews, especially …

Vienna, Austria, October 22 – Surviving members of the Nazi Party and SS-run killing squads across Europe voiced displeasure this week over what they called the international community’s double standard in rewarding Hamas with financial aid for attacking Jews while singling out Nazi officials and commanders for war crimes trials for similar actions. A group …

London, October 15 – Following a vote in the House of Commons Monday to grant symbolic recognition to a Palestinian state, Parliament passed a similar non-binding motion to grant the same recognition to the Pétain government of Nazi-occupied France. The vote, which passed by the same 274-12 margin as the Palestine recognition measure, does not …

London, October 10 – The city most closely associated with monarchs ordering people’s heads severed from the rest of their bodies expressed shock and horror this week after authorities allegedly uncovered an Islamist plot to perform the same act on residents of that city. The London police took into custody a number of suspects who, …

Washington, DC, October 2 – The agency charged with protecting the president continued to suffer a public relations black eye this week after it emerged that President Obama was allowed to meet with a known terrorist. On September 24 the president held a bilateral meeting with Mahmoud Abbas, head of the Palestine Liberation Organization, a …

New York, September 28 – Muslims around the world are shifting their religious allegiances on matters of doctrine, say experts, as a result of US President Barack Obama’s obvious expertise in their spiritual affairs, which he demonstrated last week by declaring that the Islamic State is not in fact Islamic. The president pronounced last week …

Washington, September 19 – Reacting to years of right-wing agitation on the subject, President Barack Obama announced today that, if they insist, fine, he’s actually a Muslim. At a White House press conference this morning, the President told the assembled reporters that after years of ignoring far-right-wing accusations that he’s really a follower of Islam, …

London, September 13 – To blunt the visceral appeal to young men of a militia that encourages its fighters to engage in brutality, abuse, rape, and theft, countries around the word have developed a plan to keep the potential Islamic State recruits at home by establishing local outlets for the barbaric behavior targeting religious opponents. …

New York, September 5 – Human Rights Watch Director Ken Roth posted a Twitter message this morning that did not focus on alleged misdeeds by Israel, sources inside the organization report. Roth typed and sent a tweet to his followers at 9:40 a.m. Eastern Time on Friday that referred them to massacres taking place in …

Arlington, Virginia, August 30 – The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced today it had foiled a plan by the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) to stoke racial tensions in the US even further by sending operatives to dress as police officers and shoot African-American youths who are obviously carrying no weapons. FBI spokesman …

Canary Wharf, London, August 24 – A smoldering rivalry between two leading news agencies flared into violence today over the ongoing crisis in the Gaza Strip after each one used a different spelling of the same word to describe the height of a building destroyed in an IAF bombing. Israeli aircraft directed two high-explosive bombs …

Elizabeth, NJ, August 20 – A local teen expressed gratification this morning after deciding to use four, instead of only three, exclamation points in a Facebook post admonishing her friends to show their support for the Israel Defense Forces in the ongoing confrontation with Hamas in and around the Gaza Strip. Batsheva Sudwerts, 16, felt …

Washington, August 15 – Following the fatal shooting of an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri this week and the heavy-handed police response to the ensuing protests, the Obama administration has instructed the Pentagon to put on hold any scheduled shipments of missiles to the United States, to demonstrate American displeasure with the police and …

Paris, August 12 – High-ranking officials in countries such as Britain and France are openly siding with Palestinians against Israel in an effort to maintain political power by appealing to Muslim immigrants, recalling the pre-World-War-II days when appeasing the uncompromising demands of Nazi Germany was so successful in stemming Hitler’s expansionist ambitions. A coalition of …

La Paz, August 12 – Pressed for ways to showcase displeasure at Israel’s strikes on the Gaza Strip, the government of Bolivia will send its ambassador to Israel, recalled in 2012, back to Tel Aviv just to be able to make the dramatic gesture of recalling him again. Hector Alito departed Tel Aviv in November …

Washington, August 10 – White House physicians announced today that they have determined President Barack Obama is affected by a condition that does not allow him to unequivocally support Israel’s right to defend its citizens. It instead forces him to qualify any statement that, without the qualification, would constitute an endorsement of that right. For …

Menlo Park, CA, August 6 – In a follow up paper to Facebook’s controversial emotional manipulation study, Facebook researchers have found that posts reporting and commenting on military or terrorist actions overseas have a statistically significant impact on people’s moods. In the methodology section of the paper, the authors described how the company quietly acquired …

Solna, Sweden, August 6 – The manufacturer of one of the world’s most prominent baby carriers has announced a line of products to cater to newly emerging demand in the Middle East, a carrier to serve as a back-friendly way of wearing one’s infant human shield. Babybjörn, Ltd. will release the Baby Achmed carrier, a …

Cairo, July 30 – Increasing alienation between Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and US President Barack Obama has prompted Egyptian leader Abdel Fattah el-Sisi to propose that he mediate talks aimed at bridging the chasm separating the two administrations. The American and Israeli leaders have long had a tense relationship personally, and that has exacerbated …

Paris, July 22 – Members of Paris’s Jewish community voiced relief today, following a riot by pro-Palestinian demonstrators who ransacked Jewish-owned businesses and threatened Jews, that Jew-hatred in Europe no longer exists. It has long been claimed that a sovereign Jewish state is unnecessary as a refuge for Jews, since, with the defeat of Nazi …

New York, July 16 – New York Times Executive Editor Dean Baquet expressed surprise today upon discovering the word “terrorist” in the dictionary, to the point that he repeatedly showed the entry to every other person in the newsroom he could find. Baquet was looking for a precise definition of the pottery term terra cotta, …

Washington, DC, July 10 – The government of the last country to use saturation bombing in combat is admonishing Israel to exercise restraint in its handling of the current offensive in the Gaza Strip. In 1965, the Unites States Air Force commenced a carpet-bombing campaign against North Vietnamese targets, adapting a WWII strategy of saturating …

Paris, July 7 – Israeli police arrested six suspects in the murder last week of an Arab teenager, leading to the highest levels of smugness in the European atmosphere in decades. At least fifty people were reported hospitalized across Scandinavia and Austria with breathing difficulties stemming from the smug. Sixteen-year-old Muhammad Abu Khdeir was abducted …

Brussels, July 1 – The chief of European Union foreign policy spoke out against the remains of three Israeli teenagers today, criticizing them for being found on land the Palestinians claim. Eyal Yifrach, 19, Gilad Shaer, 16, and Naftali Fraenkel, 16, students at a yeshiva in the Etzion Bloc of communities south of Jerusalem, were …

Xinjiang, China, June 25 – Persistent unrest in this heavily Muslim region has led Chinese authorities to crack down on the native Uighur population, killing at least 13 and sentencing hundreds more to incarceration or execution, leading the United Nations and other international bodies to condemn Israel for its treatment of the Palestinians. China has …

Washington, June 19 – First Lady Michelle Obama stepped into the political fray over the three kidnapped Israeli teens today, posting a photo to Twitter with her holding a sign referring to the abduction. The content of the sign served as both an expression of the first couple’s views on the matter and an explanation …

Washington, DC, June 14 – Officials at the State Department restated their intention to recognize and maintain dealings with the Palestinian unity government despite the kidnapping yesterday morning of three Israeli teenagers by Palestinians, explaining that by nature, the lives of Israelis carry less weight than those of other nationalities. Department spokeswoman Jen Psaki told …

Paris, June 7 – The aftermath of the fatal shootings in a Belgian Jewish Museum two weeks ago by a Muslim with French citizenship has the Continent’s far right in an uproar, as the anti-immigrant, antisemitic groups in question believe the task of massacring Jews is best handled by them. Mehdi Nemmouche, 29, who also …

Brussels, June 1 – The fatal shooting attack at the Jewish Museum in this Belgian capital has led to additional injuries, as the gestures associated with agonizing over persistent hate have caused Europe to seek treatment for sprains and irritation in its fingers. The injuries may prevent the continent from doing anything about the issue, …

Ben Gurion International Airport, Israel, May 26 – Pope Francis took the opportunity upon his departure from the Holy Land to retract the Vatican’s recognition of the State of Palestine this evening, calling the leaders of the Palestinian government and nationalist movements evil terrorists who deserve damnation and suffering, not legitimacy. The normally congenial pontiff …

Washington, DC, May 19 – President Obama hit back at critics of his policy on the Syrian civil war today, insisting that he never committed to getting the US directly involved in the conflict even if Basher Assad’s forces crossed the “red line” of using chemical weapons, as nowhere in his statements on the conflict …

Bamako, Mali, May 12 – With virgin brides at a premium in this bustling region, many Muslim men realized that the abduction by Islamic militants of 276 schoolgirls in Nigeria presented a rare opportunity to obtain a pristine new bride, and have been scouring the internet and other sources in hopes of obtaining one or …

Teaneck, New Jersey, May 5 – On the date of the Hebrew calendar that marks the anniversary of modern Israel’s establishment as a state, Ezra, the hero of the eponymous Biblical narrative, expressed frustration that the Jews of that township and of North America in general were committing the identical error to that of the …

Berlin, April 27 – Bruno Schmidt, 30, has spent most of his life as an ardent admirer of Nazism, but after hearing that Chloe Horowitz, 17, of Teaneck, New Jersey, liked a “Never Again” post on her friend Shira Scheinerman’s wall, he has renounced his hateful worldview and resolves to correct his behavior. The proliferation …

Washington, DC, April 24 – Speaking on the anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing, President Obama sounded a conciliatory note toward Islamists by suggesting that he could engineer the deaths of Americans instead of forcing terrorists to do so. The president called the bombing one year ago “unfortunate,” and the finger-pointing at the Islamist motivations …

Washington, DC, April 17 – President Obama expressed remorse today over the fatal shootings in Kansas this week, apologizing to Muslims for allowing Jews to be seen as victims. Frazier Glenn Cross, 73, a known White Supremacist, went on a shooting spree in Overland park, a suburb of Kansas City, resulting in the deaths of …

The orbits of the planets were originally described as circular, but in the last few centuries they have shifted to more elliptical paths, indicating an ongoing adjustment to the cosmic changes. The Milky Way, October 15 – It has been nearly five centuries since the universe’s shift from an Earth-centered solar system to one in …

New York, April 1 – A spokesman for the International Zionist Conspiracy expressed regret to day over its engineering of the deadly landslide in Oso, Washington, that left 18 confirmed dead and 22 missing. He called the disaster a failure of oversight, explaining that miscalculations by the Conspiracy’s tectonic control staff had made the mudslide …

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, March 26 – In the continuing mystery surrounding the exact circumstances that led to a Malaysia Airlines aircraft disappearing into the Indian Ocean, the Muslim world is expressing outrage that the obvious perpetrators, the Jews, are all but absent from the content of official discussions of the investigation. Flight 370 from Kuala …

Tatabanya, Hungary, March 18 – Antisemitic vandals spray-painted swastikas and slogans all over the Jewish cemetery here last week, stoking worries among Europe’s far-right leadership that they face a looming shortage of such sites to deface. The desecration highlights the need to produce more Jewish graves as soon as possible, and maintain a steady supply, …

Washington, March 8 – Officials in President Barack Obama’s cabinet advised him today that the administration’s inventory of red paint is nearly exhausted, having used it repeatedly and ineffectively with Syria, Iran, and Russia. More red lines, they warned, might demand more red paint than this presidency has at its disposal. In a communique between …

London, March 6 – European and American academics are explaining their inaction on the Russian show of force in Ukraine by noting that the aggressor in this case cannot be construed as Israel, and therefore no opposition need be registered. In an address to a conference of the Harvard-Yale-Princeton-Oxford- Columbia-Radcliffe-International Team of Educators (HYPOCRITE), Professor …

Crown Heights, Brooklyn, February 24 – New York City officials are puzzling over the Crown Heights Jewish community’s non-violent reaction to the killing of one of its members by a Department of Sanitation trash collection truck yesterday morning. A 25-year-old Rabbinical student was crossing Carroll Street when the truck turned right from Kingston Avenue and …

Hollywood, CA, February 20 – Motion picture industry experts and prejudice-monitoring groups are expressing concern over the recent absence of Mel-Gibson-related controversies, saying that the time of his next anticipated outburst bad-mouthing Jews passed some time ago. They say the tension increases unhealthily which each passing week that the Australian-American actor is not recorded saying …

Paris (Reuters) – President François Hollande of France announced today that in anticipation of his country’s military involvement in the ongoing civil war in Syria, France signals its preemptive surrender as of now. The capitulation represents the latest in a long French tradition of surrendering in major armed conflicts, a trend that began in 1815. …

Somewhere near Beach Lake, Pennsylvania, February 15 – Oscar Thorpe is a rare specimen indeed: a political activist who completely practices what he preaches. In his case, his adherence to the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement against Israel has led him to renounce all computer and telecommunications technology and advanced medical care. Unlike the leaders …

New York, February 2 – The United Nations Security Council endorsed a statement this morning calling on Israel to stop providing medical treatment to wounded Syrians, saying that the practice conflicts with the negative portrayal of Israel the body wishes to cultivate. Statement 3223 specifically denounces the treatment in Israeli hospitals of hundreds of Syrian …

New York, January 24 (Duh) – Jewish leaders are reeling in the wake of the discovery that there are functioning Jewish communities beyond the New York area. It has long been accepted that individual or small groups of Jews might travel or set up temporary outposts beyond the confines of the Tri-State area, for business …

Some want them gassed, burned, drowned, crushed, buried, dissolved, beheaded or impaled Phoenix, AZ (Reuters) – A Ku Klux Klan poll has found unexpectedly diverse attitudes among Jew-haters. Where researchers expected to encounter broad agreement with the sentiment that Jews should be shot, instead they discovered vehement insistence on a variety of other killing methods. …

As the last remaining Nazi war criminals die off after living in the country unmolested for nearly seven decades, Austria will lose one of the few remaining vehicles though which to feign horror. Vienna – When the Vienna Philharmonic posthumously stripped several Nazis of honors it had conferred upon them in the 1940’s, members of the …