Tunis, October 28 - Responding to widespread fears of a “Zionist” takeover, authorities in this North African country have barred anyone of the Hebrew persuasion from buying the most expensive and lucrative properties on the board, a government spokesman announced today.

Barkir Bradirz of the Ministry of Title Deeds told reporters at a Presidential Palace press conference that effective immediately, Jews may purchase neither Boardwalk nor Park Place. Additionally, Jews may not construct more than to houses on any property, and certainly no hotels. Neither may they accumulate any complete sets of properties of a single color.

“This new policy will protect Tunisia from the Zionists,” Bardirz explained. “When Jews buy property, that’s Zionism, and we all know the evils of Zionism. A Jew now owns that property, which is the most dangerous phenomenon in existence. When a Jew owns property, that’s not mere ownership. It’s conquest. Occupation. Apartheid. Genocide!”

Under the new regulations, Jewish buyers remain free to acquire Mediterranean Avenue, Oriental Avenue, and other lower-value parcels, provided they do not attempt to assemble matching color groups. Hotels are forbidden outright on any Jewish-owned square. A separate clause prohibits Jews from charging rent to non-Jews at rates higher than those charged by non-Jewish landlords, which officials described as a safeguard against “economic strangulation.”

Bardirz stressed that the measures were precautionary. No Jewish individual or entity had submitted a bid for Boardwalk or Park Place, nor had any expressed interest in completing the dark-blue monopoly. The absence of such interest, he said, only underscored the sophistication of the threat. “They are patient,” he noted. “They wait. Then one day you wake up and a Jew has Park Place, and suddenly that entire side of the board is compromised. Pacific Avenue. North Carolina Avenue. Pennsylvania Avenue! A murderer’s row of rental payments. We have seen this pattern before.”

Analysts noted that while some governments have relied on luck to help their citizens avoid landing on the lucrative rental properties along that side of the board, Tunisia evidently refuses to take that chance. “I can see this law extended to the yellow and red side of the board, as well,” predicted Milburn Moneybags. “Certainly there has been talk of barring Jews from Free Parking. Already, no one will allow them to collect the cash accumulated in the center when they do land there. And the Jew must free himself from jail via rolls of the dice or payment even if he lands on ‘Just Visiting.’”

A senior official at the Ministry of Monopoly Oversight, who requested anonymity because the subject remains sensitive, confirmed that parallel reviews are underway for the light-blue and yellow properties. “Boardwalk and Park Place were the priority,” the official said. “Once those are secured, we can address the rest of the board in an orderly fashion. The goal is not to punish Jews. We are not antisemitic. The goal is to ensure that Jewish ownership never becomes a fact on the ground.”

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