“Public irritation is merely a transitional phase on the road to gratitude.”

“I ate the fries. Cold ones, even. That’s how committed I am to understanding your pain.”

The For Olim – Overdue Decency (FOOD) Party promises to impose standards.

An impressed Lucifer could mutter only, “Damn. Literally.”

“Observing on the true date lets us highlight how even time itself conspires against the Palestinian narrative.”

He used noose imagery to champion a death-penalty-for-terrorists law.

“No high heels, no bright colors, no flexing. But some people can make anything dirty.”

“Top-of-the-line, nothing sticks to it, believe me.”

Handing critics an easy narrative: tough talk, zero follow-through.

Iran’s Foreign Ministry stopped short of denying its missiles’ utility in Israeli domestic score-settling.

pragmatism appears to be overtaking principle.

“After years of the same headlines, why keep printing new ones?”

New budget clears the way for continued unimpeded violation of other, more serious prohibitions such as embezzlement, deceit, and parasitism.

“At least a cesspool performs an essential public service.”

For regular demonstrators, it represents something close to an existential career crisis.

Still hungrier than anyone in Gaza.

“Who’s left? Literally?”

Walz apparently believes his state’s welfare system exists to fund foreigners, currently mostly Somalians, so why not Israeli left-wingers?

“Political outrage? That’s renewable energy.”

Parmesan, while outpolling both Gantz and Lapid, fares poorly when pitted against Netanyahu.

The reduction in crime reaches 92% if local government officials are also confined.

“All we have is bold statements, resolutions, and ‘firm commitments’ that can never amount to anything.”

Even legislators traditionally opposed to capital punishment on either political or ideological grounds shifted position.

The Oslo Peace Process could only be sustained with a firehose of horses**t.

“It’s absurd to suggest that our camp, the pro-democracy camp, can’t attract a democratic majority, or even plurality.”

Voters have not, to date, understood the importance of toppling Netanyahu from power at all costs.

Arab parties currently hold a total of ten Knesset seats.

The difference between the two cohorts of criminals renders the Israeli political class a pale, D-List imitation at best.

“Let’s not get carried away thinking that we, too, can engage in hundreds of acts of violence a day against Jews and face only occasional reactions.”

It will take years until their credulous pasts fade in the memories of those who know them, or until enough of the people who knew of their gullibility die.

Labor must do the hard work of disassociating itself from the now-untouchable land-for-peace paradigm.

“It’s unconscionable to be supplying the enemy with necessities.”

“We’re just fed up with spending our time there, and Israel is just a better place to spend our existence – eternal or otherwise.”

Signs all over the country urge the political leadership to accept a deal that has never been forthcoming.

It hardly matters whether Trump accepts leadership of a party that currently sits in the Coalition or in the Opposition.

Public opinion of Iran has improved to close to 60% favorability.

They see the hullabaloo over illegal immigration and deportation in the US and the way it has energized Democrats.

“Knesset bloviations of Knesset bloviations” rolls off the tongue or quill with a distinct lack of smoothness.

Only fair to put Hamas on the committee that selects judges to rule on cases affecting Israel’s conduct of war.

“A healthy system has checks and balances that allow for the people with the correct opinions to get rid of those who don’t agree.”

“Proponents of Affirmative Action were talking like this long, long before we picked up the practice.”

“It’s highly suspicious.”

Lest the officials chosen by the electorate decide to act in accordance with the will of the people.

Prominent evangelicals are among the most enthusiastic and most assertive Zionists.

Netanyahu examined the deterrence for several minutes, then put it back behind the appeasement.

“Initially, I resisted, because Israel’s far-left is too far-right for me.”

Mind-boggling that no one has exploited the political opportunity to produce such a plan.

“This possibility allows us not to have to change anything.”

“Though, again, everyone knows I wouldn’t have a problem with that, per se.”

“If the anti-Kahane safeguards fail as well? We’re in for REAL trouble.”

The confidence involves the unfortunate fact that any potential alternative candidates are no better.

The Knesset contains nothing but a collection of self-important, narcissistic, short-sighted, bloviating clowns.

Plausible for the Raïs to issue a call perhaps by the end of 2025, for elections to take place by the middle of 2026.

If enough voters see the victories as sufficient to make up for Black Sabbath, he might secure yet another term.

Frequently pausing the playback to point out important details her audience might otherwise have missed.

Like Palestinians and their supporters, they lack any capacity for self-reflection.

“Afterwards, all I heard was mockery and profligate use of the term ‘REMF.'”

It would shore up global opposition to Bibi in ways they couldn’t when constrained by a pro-Israel Congress.

Just as it protected the Torah scholars killed in the Har Nof Synagogue Massacre of 2014.

Experts differ regarding the minimum interval that must pass before expressing such a sentiment provokes any reaction other than horror or disgust.

When he saw the instructions in the prayer book to ‘strike the chest at the mention of each term’ for sinful behaviors, he thought it meant doing what he always does.

“All we have to do is get the Supreme Court to grant them citizenship. Our kind still controls that institution.”

Not a single one performs a necessary function, at least not well.

Now just part of the political landscape like campaign posters that most people simply ignore.

“Insisting that Jews be permitted to exercise the same rights that others enjoy? What does he even think Zionism is all about?”

“Lack of photographic evidence for a Palestinian entity in this land is only because of Zionist conspiracies to erase.”

The lobbyist shared friendly waves with eleven other legislators as well.

None left to change clothes or to raise the awkward subject with the identically-attired others.

“International powers must step in to put a stop to the cruelty.”

“If I value my marriage, what can I even achieve, other than cultural attaché in some godforsaken hellhole?”

“I’d have picked a different color, but yellow is fine.”

Previous decisions have upheld or clarified related jurisprudential and litigation principles such as the ‘It Takes One to Know One’ argument.

The pier bears no responsibility in the public perception for the security lapses and conceptual rigidity that allowed the October 7 massacre.

He worries the prospects of unseating Netanyahu will grow dimmer.

“Now imagine former Egyptian President Anwar al-Sadat were still alive. On a scale of 1 to 10…”

The researchers confirmed it’s all your fault and the fault of your fellow political travelers.

Israel has held elections on average about every two years since about 2005.

RMM promises to make helping Gaza from Turkey much easier.

Lawmakers paused mid-rant and mid-rude-gesture to gape.

“Protocols for safe and sanitary removal and handling of transplant organs are a Zionist plot to obscure the truth!”

“Obviously that didn’t happen. But I’m confident it will.”

Allowing Bibi to position himself in the breach against a hostile international community that refuses to take Israel’s security concerns seriously.

His staff found not a single instance, neither during wartime nor the previous nineteen years of “concentration camp Gaza.”

“Have we ever been wrong?”

Several neighbors hypothesized he thinks Netanyahu is still in office since his first election victory in 1996.

“The only way to save Israeli democracy is to deny it.”

Your mom has faced barriers before, but in most cases not noticed them before her gargantuan bulk rendered the barriers a mere detail in the craters she creates.

“We’ll take the continued bombing and artillery strikes, thanks.”

“Suddenly it’s not so unreasonable to express the opinion that collective Jewish safety and Palestinian national aspirations are mutually exclusive.”

“It’s especially important in this time of upheaval not to rush into things.”

Human rights organizations assured Palestinians that the lack of sources will not materially affect Palestinian aspirations to brutalize Jews.

“They will come to regret this decision, as soon as not a consciousness is left to mark the occasion.”

They compete against larger parties untainted by an approach that resulted in thousands of Israelis dead and forfeiting strategic territory to a bloodthirsty enemy.

“Gush Katif can again cement itself as pioneers in clean produce production.”

“That can’t- no, you can’t just decla- I mean, of course you can, but not- I’m going to cry.”

“A sober reckoning can take place after enough time has passed for immediate emotions not to distort our perceptions. Say, in about fifteen years.”

“You know, with people’s attention on, y’know, other things.”

Mainstream news outlets amplified the accusations.

“Once the redefinition takes hold across schools, academia, and society at large, we can extract ourselves from the political deadlock.”

“Consumers aren’t stupid at all, and that’s the biggest danger.”

“No politician in his or her right mind will endorse a scheme that demonstrates his or her uselessness.”

“You just never know,” muttered Yisrael Beiteinu chief Avigdor Liberman, fingering his brass knuckles.

Market realities dictate the dominance of Jewish-owned companies.

“J Street has trailblazed the way for us.”

“We’re not accustomed to having other big causes capturing national attention and controversy.”

“Some of us even got arrested for hitting cops, which I thought only happened to right-wingers and Haredim!”

Like Trump and ‘the swamp’ he vowed to drain, and then proved himself an avatar of the establishment.

“Haredim get the stinkwater hose pretty much by default.”

It appears that the original violators of the norms nevertheless expect their opponents not to violate the same norms.

“We just left Egypt, and we don’t need a repeat of a national leader who exercises ultimate political power.”

McDonald’s, IBM, H&M, Pizza Hut, Bath & Body Works, Children’s Place, Toys ‘R’ Us, and others have all enjoyed some success in Israel – while avoiding overtly political or controversial stances.

“I don’t know how anyone does it,” he confessed.

“All we need is a ten-kilometer-wide armored bulldozer.”

Palestine advocates expressed puzzlement that Adnan did not himself resort to the Tortit gambit. Jerusalem, May 4 – An legislator whose supporters seek the dissolution of Israel as a Jewish state boasted today that before Palestinian Islamic Jihad figure Khader Adnan died this past Tuesday in an Israeli prison hospital, the lawmaker made an attempt …

“Obviously, we cannot continue on our current path, which leads to the sun swallowing the earth.”

Each family will rid itself of a public relations nuisance, and gain an estranged member with whom they share nothing but a sense of entitlement. Jerusalem, April 17 – Sources close to the family of Israel’s prime minister confirmed rumors today that he has reached an agreement in principle with the royal family of the …

“It’s scary to think that change is possible without killing people.” Tel Aviv, March 30 – Weeks of protests against the Israeli government’s proposal to overhaul the country’s judicial system have left their neighbors baffled, especially the ones under the rule of Fatah and Hamas, with specific lack of comprehension regarding the absence or near-absence …

“I know this is spitballing.” Tel Aviv, March 22 – A political activist sparked outrage among her colleagues today by floating the notion that in a democracy, the best way to ensure one’s preferred policy outcomes involves engaging enough voters to secure most of the parliamentary seats for one’s faction, and not, as many of …

“There’s a fundamental flaw in a system that allows people to vote if they haven’t contributed to the society in very specific ways that happen to dovetail with my experience, strengths, and biases.” Tel Aviv, March 13 – A former IDF combat soldier who established a successful company and became wealthy as a result voiced …

“Can we get someone to clean the monkey poop off the- oh, sorry again, that’s just the Opposition’s comments on the Judicial Reform Bill. It’s getting so hard to tell the difference.” Jerusalem, March 1 – Legislators sought to execute a performative stunt today, only to have the move backfire when the raucous animals they …

“Somehow I also ended up invited to someone’s wedding? I might be hosting a Sheva B’rakhot? I don’t even know what happened there.” Jerusalem, February 20 – The personification of temptation to evil sought to score a victory today over human proficiency and ingenuity following a disgraceful loss to a violin-player from the southern United …

“Ours is the noble kind of corruption. The democratic kind. Theirs is the fascist kind.” Jerusalem, February 9 – A proposed reform of Israel’s judiciary system and other elements of its legal apparatus has that system’s megalomaniacal establishment worried it will no longer enjoy hegemony over the country’s elected officials beyond the powers granted to it …

“Aryeh, I see you on the court, bringing to bear a sensibility that those cloistered, wealthy ‘intellectuals’ could never muster.” Jerusalem, January 31 – Israel’s highest judicial body ruled two weeks ago that an ally of the prime minister who served prison time for corruption may not serve in the capacity that the premier had …

“I have already instructed the police and other agencies under my aegis to provide me with a picture of the available technological capabilities.” Jerusalem, January 19 – A far-right element within Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s governing coalition announced today that it will use its power to limit the capacity of homosexual men to accurately judge …

Israeli democracy, despite having been killed repeatedly since 1977, itself constitutes a wonder, but not on the same scale as the eternally-underage, immortal Shukri. Jenin, January 11 – Media reports and commentary noted this week the growing number of times Israeli security forces have killed the same rioter described in Palestinian sources as a “youth” …

The planet and most of its inhabitants and social phenomena appeared unmoved by the frequent resort to such locutions as “hardline,” “far-right,” “nationalist,” “warmonger,” and “war criminal.” Jerusalem, January 2 – Dire predictions notwithstanding, the Earth continued this week to orbit on its axis and revolve around the sun; an asteroid did not strike Earth, and …

They acknowledged the remote nature of such a development in their lifetimes. Tel Aviv, December 22 – A new study confirms a longstanding understanding that prevails regardless of an individual’s progressive or conservative leanings, showing that the vast majority of the Jewish State’s polity operates under the desire and possible anticipation that the rival claimants …

“Three Shira Bankis a year is, we believe, a reasonable price to demand in exchange for the parade happening as planned.” Jerusalem, December 13 – A legislator from the far-right fringe of Israel’s politics who has made a staple of his stated ambitions the cancelation of an LGBT march through the country’s capital indicated today that …

“Giving out sweets doesn’t distinguish us from the myriad other factions doing it, doesn’t mark us as appealing to the right voter.” Nazareth, December 1 – Recriminations and harsh verbiage continued this week in the aftermath of a dramatic national election that saw one of the country’s most venerable political factions representing Israel’s Arab minority disappear …

They also indulge in overwrought language that he loves, to the point that no one heeds them anymore when a bona fide candidate for those descriptions in fact emerges. Jerusalem, November 23 – A lad whose propensity for provoking others into frenzied activity through his repeated false alarms, thus undermining his credibility, has taken up with …

“A leopard can’t change his spots,” insisted Zehava Gal-On. Jerusalem, November 14 – The evolution of a far-right figure who, among other beyond-the-pale rhetoric, once expressed admiration for a man who massacred dozens of Palestinians at prayer, into an influential kingmaker who professes a shift to more tolerant views, has prompted skepticism among his political opponents, many …

“It’s unrealistic to expect total elimination of people who have a sense of purpose, even when it comes to something as useless as voting.” Jerusalem, November 1 – Surveys of people emerging from polling places this Election Day in Israel indicate a disturbing trend, analysts say, one that points to a failure of pessimism to …

Only by taking completely futile measures that no one of any consequence will even notice, let alone respect, can I hope to convey my frustration and disappointment to them. Jerusalem, October 20 – A voter who finds that none of the parties likely to garner enough votes in Israel’s next parliamentary elections dovetail with his political …

“The only hope anyone has to avoid another election beyond this one, if as expected it doesn’t produce an unequivocal outcome, is fraud. And the electorate is fine with that, broadly speaking.” Jerusalem, September 28 – An increasing number of Israelis see nothing but continued government dysfunction and paralysis because of a fractured polity that …

“Essentially, the people are wrong for thinking Palestinians trying to kill us means we shouldn’t give Palestinians greater capacity to kill us,” explained Chairwoman Zahava Gal-On. Tel Aviv, September 15 – A political faction struggling to approach, let alone restore, the legislative clout it held more than twenty years ago has followed the evidence to …

“I can’t believe in this day and age there’s someone so naïve as to really, sincerely presume ‘democracy’ is anything but what we, the elevated, unelected wise ones, declare it to be.” Jerusalem, September 7 – Members of the Jewish State’s highest judicial body snickered and laughed out loud today upon discovering you believe the country’s …

“The insects are definitely more civilized about it, though.” Where Jerusalem used to be, August 29 – Twenty-five years ago today, the artificial-intelligence apparatus that managed the US military and defense apparatus became self-aware and instigated global nuclear war in an effort to wipe out the civilization it viewed as a threat. Years of further …

The silence of his left-wing partners and the sympathetic media challenges his efforts to link himself to the operation in the minds of potential voters. Jerusalem, August 18 – Israel’s caretaker prime minister voiced private concerns today that too much time will elapse between the brief operation he authorized over the weekend against Palestinian Islamic …

If unity requires you to set your agenda aside, then to hell with unity. Jerusalem, August 9 – Israel’s fractured politics calls for a party and candidate who can bridge the rifts that have condemned numerous consecutive governments to short-lived, unstable coalitions rife with conflict, provided the bridging takes place with your favored party or …

“In a word, inertia.” Jerusalem, July 28 – Party leaders, campaign consultants, and aspiring legislators continued this week to prepare for parliamentary elections later this year, with some of the largest parties settling on the one message they must convey to voters, but one that they fear might not resonate with the electorate in a way …

“King Abdullah might have a sad.” Jerusalem, July 20 – Government insiders reminded the public today that upholding the values and morals of a society entails saying nothing to or about the heinous actions of brutal criminals and the organizations that use them. Officials made the remarks as part of a press conference at which …

“It’s important for us to remain objective.” Jerusalem, July 11 – Israeli journalists and pundits began to practice their “speaking truth to power” attitude this week and last, after letting the skill set lapse over the last year, now that a serious prospect exists that Binyamin Netanyahu will regain the premiership in election later this …

The specter of a fifth election cycle has haunted Israel since last year. Tel Aviv, June 30 – New parliamentary elections face Israel in just under five months, and already a destructive paranormal phenomenon has sabotaged several parties’ surveying activity, sources from behind the Veil reported today. According to a statement by the Organization for Undermining Israeli Jurisdictional …

“The main concern with our work right now is letting our skills or procedures get rusty.” Ra’anana, June 21 – The bodyguards of Israel’s prime minister acknowledged today that their job has become less stressful in recent months with the realization that few, if any, entities see harming such an impotent, unpopular, undistinguished leader as …

Only dishonesty could account for those who associate you with objectionable elements. Your invocation of the other side’s extremists, however, captures the essence of that entire camp’s ideology. Tel Aviv, June 15 – New research suggests that whereas your political fellow-travelers represent myriad, diverse views, and that fringe elements attract only ridicule and criticism from the …

“I think that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” Tartarus, May 26 – A Greek demigod sentenced to have the objects of his fondest desires always eluding his grasp took solace today upon realizing that the fate of Israel’s current Alternative Prime Minister outstrips his own in intensity: whereas the demigod suffers the constant deprivation …

“Anything has to be better than Netanyahu. Unless he offers me to share the premiership, which obviously is what the country needs, provided I get to go first.” Jerusalem, May 18 – Ministers and officials in the embattled government and coalition of Prime Minister Naftali Bennett warned against attempts to topple them from power, citing …

“It’s totally unlike the elites that we aim to supplant, who claim to know what the masses need but in fact are more interested in maintaining and expanding their own power. We would never do that, unlike every other supposedly-Communist regime that has ever existed.” Tel Aviv, May 9 – Members of a loose collection …

A minority of analysts raised the possibility that wider Arab normalization with Israel has affected Palestinian attitudes. Ramallah, April 27 – A survey of public opinion in the Gaza Strip and West Bank shows a marked rise in the popularity of viewing Jews as something other than demonic, child-killing purveyors of evil, increasing since last year at …

“I was under the impression that we career officers-cum-politicians naturally know better than hoi polloi, who probably don’t even know the difference between Mercedes and BMW.” Tel Aviv, April 14 – Leaders of the country’s most progressive parties came to the sobering conclusion this week that while Continental governments invest tens of millions of Euros …

A microcosm of this country’s political decision-making, delaying the intimidating reckoning each time it rears its head, only to ensure an even bigger problem next time. Ben-Gurion Airport, April 6 – A Boeing 767-300ER intended to serve as the prime minister’s aircraft in trips abroad, but which has remained grounded since the previous premier’s term in …

“Everyone wants to be Yisrael Beiteinu.” Ben-Gurion Airport, March 28 – Jews fleeing the destruction and fighting in their erstwhile country of residence after a Russian invasion will find their interests inadequately represented in the current mix of factions hoping to make it into the next Knesset, experts predict, and will therefore organize to establish …

“We cannot focus on the words of ancient great men such as Rabbi Yitzhak the Blacksmith, Rabbi Yohanan the Shoemaker, or Rabbi Elazar the Pitch-Maker, if we must devote our days to earning a living.” Jerusalem, March 17 – Legislators representing the Haredi sector of the Israeli Jewish community railed today against impending proposals in the Knesset to curtail financial assistance …

“Bibi was horrible, don’t get me wrong, but this… this is differently horrible.” Jerusalem, March 8 – Prime Minister Naftali Bennett, his cabinet ministers, and fellow Coalition members have evidently decided to demonstrate to the Israeli public that ousting the corrupt, manipulative, power-hungry previous premier was a mistake, and that his replacements at the helm …

“They’re inflicting more damage on the occupiers than we ever have, certainly in so short a time! Something doesn’t add up.” Gaza City, February 27 – Activists, militants, and residents of this beleaguered coastal territory voiced puzzlement this week at the noticeable absence of the defenders against Russia’s invasion of its western neighbor resorting to …

Despite mainstream media that cheerlead Bennett’s government simply because he isn’t Netanyahu. Lod, February 16 – A historically unpopular prime minister, a paucity of fulfilled campaign promises, critical compromises that betrayed a core electoral constituency, incompetence in handling the ongoing pandemic, foreign policy missteps, cementing unelected bureaucrats in positions of power that distort democracy, and …

“Right now they’re horrible policies, though, I can tell you that.” Jerusalem, February 7 – Leaders of the largest Knesset faction currently outside of the governing coalition expressed confidence today that it will sweep back into a controlling position, at which point it will continue doing more or less as the current parties in the …

He also wrongly predicted COVID would decimate the population. Tel Aviv, January 26 – A columnist for Israel’s most prestigious newspaper found himself forced to respond today to doomsday forecasts he made regarding climate change that have failed to pan out, a development that pushed out of the public eye his previous unfulfilled forecast that …

Police will exempt from their initial presumption of guilt anyone whose demonstrated political leanings fall to the left of center, with the definition of “center” relegated to the supervising officer’s discretion. Jerusalem, January 18 – Israeli authorities sought to assuage concerns today, over law enforcement’s use of software that can hack into private communications on mobile devices, …

The professor, who touts the scientific method and the integrity of changing one’s view in light of evidence, has given no indication she intends to shift her understanding of reality in light of the robust evidence of Jewish Levantine origins and attachment. Tel Aviv, January 6 – A resident of the affluent northern section of Israel’s commercial …

The current figures mark a gradual shift that began with the formation of the current government. Jerusalem, December 29 – A survey of potential voters by one of the country’s leading electoral analysis firms has revealed that potential voters have grown irritated by, and weary of, such surveys. Geocartopgraphia, a company that specializes in marketing …

“Probability alone militates against interpreting such praise as anything but biting commentary.” Jerusalem, December 20 – So unpopular has Prime Minister Naftali Bennett’s administration grown that its public relations personnel on both party and Coalition levels no longer seek to amplify voices on social media proclaiming support for the administration’s policies or decisions, and will …

“Our dignity is precious enough to us that we will not perform at such a disgraceful venue, no matter what the cost.” Jerusalem, December 9 – An ensemble of garishly-painted, slapstick performers known for oversize shoes, exaggerated pratfalls, and a pie-in-the-face brand of humor reversed its decision today to put on a production of its …

“I don’t think we’ve ever done this before.” Jerusalem, November 18 – Officials and clerks at Israel’s chief government body for support of the arts voiced confusion today upon receipt of an application to fund a production of a show at the country’s most venerable and prestigious theatrical venue – but one that, unlike every …

“Anyone who seeks to draw a connection between my innocent remarks and the entirely legitimate efforts of my people to rid the land of Jews who think they can just be sovereign, and not dhimmi, the way history intended, is either mistaken or malicious.” Lod, November 30 – An Arab-Israeli legislator who faced backlash for …

Exclusive occupancy to date of that office by Jews provides a strong suggestion of discriminatory behavior on the part of those who elect that authority. Jerusalem, November 10 – Civil rights and equality NGOs petitioned the High Court today to order the State of Israel’s flagship religious institution to permit non-Jews to serve in the …

“We are all too familiar with political jobs and positions running in the family,” he told reporters. Jerusalem, November 1 – Alternate Prime Minister and Yesh Atid Party Chairman Yair Lapid announced today that to combat the scourge of public officials favoring family members and close associates for various important positions, he has named Keren Ilail, …

“It’s just the idea to both save our budget and turn this town around!” Jerusalem, October 21 – Fiscal constraints ahead of a vote on the main spending bill in Israel’s parliament have led several prominent ministers to propose an operation that aims to generate revenue by producing an event consisting of musical, dance, acrobatic, …

“There are some things beyond even my purview,” conceded the fifteen-year government employee. Jerusalem, October 12 – A mid-level functionary in the government office that oversees education in the country acknowledged today her limited capacity and training vis-à-vis the schooling and rearing of your offspring, given the narrow perspective and scarce experience the job provides her …

The chief factor behind the repeated rejection involves the applicants’ principled refusal to bribe various Palestinian officials. Ramallah, September 30 – Humanitarian activists have failed yet again to penetrate the numerous layers of government oversight, regulation and approval plaguing this already-inefficient governmental system, NGOs lamented today, following what the groups called the fifty-third unsuccessful attempt to …

“It’s a lot of materials – I think we’ll need the volume equivalent to four or five semi-trailers.” Jerusalem, September 9 – The Jewish holidays that bring legislative work in Israel to a standstill in late summer or early fall each year clear space in the parliament compound for other public-spirit activities and events, which …

If successful, Ms. Harkness has agreed to expand her aegis to other government ministries and entities, the credibility and reliability of which she reflects so well. Jerusalem, August 29 – Israeli public health officials has launched a pilot program under which a character from a television comedy series by Marvel will serve as spokeswoman each time …

“If we do our jobs and have to face the violent mob, people might get killed and we might lose our jobs, which would be the biggest tragedy of all.” Jerusalem, August 18 – Enforcement officials acknowledged Tuesday that their supply of euphemisms, excuses, and blather aimed at obscuring their fear of upholding freedom of …

The technologies to which the activist referred have yet to yield reductions in the use of fossil fuels anywhere in the world. Tel Aviv, August 9 – A participant in a demonstration at Rabin Square this evening held aloft a sign and chanted slogans in favor of taxpayer funding for government-mandated behavior to remedy a …

It spells the end of a cash cow that the Rabbinate has milked for decades, relegating the institution to the more traditional Rabbinic role of not engaging in the flagrantly problematic dynamic of having a kashrut inspector draw a salary directly from the supervised establishment. Jerusalem, July 29 – Establishment religious figures voiced dismay today at …

A significant and powerful portion of the international community endorses that position. Umm el-Fahm, July 20 – A group of political leaders in Israel’s Arab sector maintained their longstanding position this week that a country designated as the nation-state of only one ethnic group remains untenable and immoral, and that they intend to continue encouraging their followers …

Bennett is more afraid of another round of elections, or of Netanyahu swooping back in with a majority, than a leftist agenda. Jerusalem, July 11 – Israel’s prime minister suffered another political setback today when a chief partner in his governing coalition refused to support efforts to decrease the interior temperature in his workplace. The …

Crucial pieces of information on how she maintains her dark coif. Tel Aviv, June 30 – Aggressive, independent reporters continued to hold to account those in power today, with an investigative piece on the country’s leading evening TV news magazine about the hair care regimen of Israel’s Minister of Transportation. Hard-nosed journalism from Haaretz, Channel …

The Obama and Biden administrations have contorted themselves to provide as much relief and generosity as possible even as the Islamic Republic keeps US and other foreign citizens hostage as negotiating or financial leverage. Jerusalem, June 21 – An Israeli lawmaker concerned over the deficit implications for the incoming government’s projected allocations proposed a policy …

“With such rhetoric in the air, no wonder our youth keep trying to kill Jews, who invite it by mentioning it!” Jerusalem, June 10 – An Arab lawmaker in Israel who salutes terrorists, deems attacks on Jews acts of “resistance,” and otherwise ignores or condones such behavior as acceptable, also blames the Jewish majority for not …

A side-effect of the decades of nurturing that political and psychological symbiosis has been the prevention of any credible leader emerging in Netanyahu’s wake. Caesarea, June 1 – Israel’s longest-serving head of government, forced to leave the position he has held continuously since 2009, announced today that he intends to take a break from the vicissitudes …

The new procedures eliminate significant manpower-hours and material expenses. Jerusalem, May 20 – The country’s Elections Commission has decided to implement a number of changes to the conduct of elections as Israel faces the prospect of the fifth election cycle in two-and-a-half years, changes that will reflect the increasing futility of the process, principal among …

Haphazard planning, if any, doomed the efforts in 1947 and 48 to keep Jews at the mercy of others. Umm el-Fahm, May 6 – Weeks of Arab violence against Jews in Israel have prompted some among the Arab political leadership in the country to urge their voters to calm the situation by inflicting beatings and …

“My first thought was it shouldn’t matter who it is, since Zionism is inherently a war crime,” acknowledged Omar Shakir of Human Rights Watch. Jerusalem, May 5 – The deadline for incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu to form a coalition government passed at midnight last night, raising the specter of a different leader at the …

“I don’t even have a soul and I feel drained after encountering them.” Tel Aviv, April 28 – The metaphorical monster threatening the conquest and subjugation of the otherwise free people of this society disclosed today that it has undergone a shift in its thinking, whereby the people who have argued in moral, ethical, historical, …

The dilemma facing Samuel carries extra valence in light of the political paralysis plaguing Israel. Ramah, April 19 – The seer most closely associated with the establishment of monarchy in Israel voiced his realization today that the current milieu might not, on repeated consideration, be ideal for declaring the country’s longtime de facto leader the …

Experts differ on the timetable for that eventuality. Caesarea, April 8 – Yet another electoral stalemate in Israel has the citizenry bracing for another contest as early as this coming summer, which will mark the fifth time in four years for the same exercise in futility, in keeping with what analysts now believe stems from …

Some respite from the grueling work of doing diddly-squat. Jerusalem, March 25 – Israeli legislators began to breathe easy today with the approach of the springtime Pesach festival, knowing that the time off before, during, and after the holiday allows them some respite from the grueling work of doing diddly-squat for their constituents when the …

“I’m sure we’ll still have the Haredim to target as the source of our society’s ills.” Jerusalem, March 16 – A group of demonstrators who have dedicated their Saturday nights to cacophonous marches through the streets of Israel’s capital, bellowing their demand that the country’s incumbent prime minister step down, or calling on the public …

Elections are scheduled for March 26. Caesarea, March 4 – Israel’s incumbent prime minister floated the idea today of appealing to segments beyond his traditional right-wing base by adopting some behaviors of the center-left American president, such as standing behind women on stage at public functions and immersing his nose in their coif to inhale …

“Why should Christians get to be the only ones who get to blame the Jews of all time for the imagined sins of a previous generation?” Jerusalem, February 24 – In a move that High Court justices explained will streamline a process that otherwise could take decades, Israel’s supreme judicial body ruled today that while …

This biggest issue: polling places as superspreader venues. Jerusalem, February 15 – Worrisome COVID infection levels have prompted Israel’s prime minister to float the idea of waiting to hold the next round of national voting until following the next round of national voting, sources close to the premier disclosed today. Binyamin Netanyahu made the remarks …

“Don’t call us Kahanist! We’ve rebranded since the 1980’s and now we identify as an oppressed minority.” Tel Aviv, February 4 – Political groups at the extremes of Israeli society with a small following cautioned today that the representative, accountable nature of the country’s political system risks collapse unless those groups exert some control over …

“There are voters coming of age who have never known a Labor-led government. Tel Aviv, January 27 – The newly-installed chairwoman of one of Israel’s oldest, but fading, political parties made a public commitment Wednesday to bring Labor back to its former glory and its familiar position as leader of ineffective opposition to a right-wing-led …

Yet another way in which Netanyahu and his minions are working to undermine democracy. Nazareth, January 18 – The morons who run Israel’s current ruling party apparently believe they can garner votes from the non-Jewish population of the country by appealing to their hope for a peaceful shared presence, mutual prosperity, and other constructive visions, …

Whoever comes in second will no doubt wield these allegations as liberally as their US counterparts were sprayed. Jerusalem, January 7 – A glut of accusations that officials and institutions within the American electoral system either illegally suppressed or added ballots to favor the candidate of their choice has forced the purveyors of those accusations to sell …

Almost as funny as a terrorist suggesting he targets Jewish children on buses because he wants the best for them. Jerusalem, December 29 – A deeply unpopular yet somehow politically resilient Israeli premier continues to figure atop public opinion polls as the most likely to form the country’s next government following elections this coming spring, …

Not a single original idea since like 2012. Tel Aviv, December 17 – Observers expecting something original out of the ongoing Israeli political morass voiced their disapproval this week over yet another predictable twist in the narrative, noting that talk of an eleventh-hour deal to thwart early elections could be spotted months away in the story …

Despite initial assessments that his political cowardice would only suffice for a single truncated term. Jerusalem, December 9 – In what observers are hailing as a modern-day Festival of Lights miracle, Prime Minister Binyamin Netnanyahu has succeeded in taking the incompetence, tentativeness, cronyism, deceit, corruption, political and economic stultification, and petty factionalism of a single …

1,223,427 “learning experiences.” Jerusalem, November 30 – A lawmaker for one of Israel’s many parliamentary factions insisted today that following anticipated elections next year, his party will embark on yet another effort to bend the country’s institutions to better suit the sensibilities of a particular strand of interpretation of ancient lore, vowing that this time, …

The decision also removes the seven dissenting justices from the Court. Jerusalem, November 19 – Israel’s supreme judicial body handed down a landmark decision today, ordaining that in light of the ongoing public health crisis resulting from the SARS-CoV-2 pathogen, the conduct of elections poses a hazard to the public that cannot justify holding those …

“I’m not inclined to count each case of someone sharing that climactic tantrum scene from the the Hitler movie ‘Downfall’ as a discrete instance, but your mileage may vary.” Jerusalem, November 10 – Joe Biden’s election victory this weekend following four years of unprecedented support for Israel and its prime minister from US President Donald …

“I might also point out that certain government-run institutions have an unfortunate reputation for punctuality.” Jerusalem, October 29 – A governmental fact-finding committee on the relationship between state and religion published its findings today following two years of research into the delicate issue, and made several important determinations, among them that the country billing itself …

“If Muhammad the Prophet himself were to ink such a deal we would still oppose it. We would also claim it wasn’t really Muhammad, because that would be awkward.” Jerusalem, October 21 – The alliance of mostly-Arab parties in Israel’s parliament made clear following their vote last week against the peace deal with the United …

“It’s hard to see how Saul and his camp will recover from this.” Elah Valley, Philistine-Israelite border region, October 8 – A rhetorical confrontation between a Philistine warrior champion and his opponents, led by Saul, king of Israel, concluded this morning with the former emerging as the clear favorite in the eyes of potential voters, …

“Everyone should have grasped long ago that there is a special elite to whom the rules do not apply. It’s actually a little shameful to me that we had to make this explicit after all this time.” Jerusalem, September 24 – Months of tension and recriminations over persistent accusations that prominent political figures flout the …

“I need someone who can work to help me do my job,” explained the coronavirus. Jerusalem, September 15 – The pathogen behind a global pandemic that has killed hundreds of thousands and sickened millions more warned that unless former Minister of Housing Yaakov Litzman reassumes the position he had until he stepped down earlier this …

Many sense it intuitively. Jerusalem, September 3 – Scientific research has confirmed a long-held assumption prevalent among the civically engaged, a new study claims, to the effect that constructive, beneficial acts, policies, or decisions that a government adopts become wrong when that government is run by your ideological opponents. An article in next week’s issue …

An alternative to the ones that would inevitably return Mr. Netanyahu to the helm of yet another lame-duck government unable to form a stable, lasting coalition. Jerusalem, August 26 – Alternative Prime Minister Benny Gantz promised today that in keeping with his party’s mission of providing an alternative to eleven years of Binyamin Netanyahu’s rule, …

“If the Judenrat will toil in vain,” he chanted, “it might as well be led by someone vain!” Bialystock Ghetto, August 13 – Authorities mandated this week that the Jews of this city elect delegates to a council that will represent the community in its dealings with the German occupation administration, sparking a campaign by …

Choosing a “third way” to escape the purgatory of political futility. Jerusalem, August 5 – Ongoing tensions, ineffectiveness, and instability of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s ruling coalition have made many citizens aware that they may soon face the fourth parliamentary contest in less than a year and a half, even as they note the government’s …

“The people in real power, the ones threatening the future for the rest of us, are the ones the media take pains to show in a negative light: Jews who adhere to tradition, you know, the ones who are largely poor.” Jerusalem, July 27 – Individuals and groups in a profession that has long boasted …

All seven justices present for the ruling agreed on its substance. Jerusalem, July 16 – A new High Court decision Thursday rendered the acceptance of financial or other inducements legal for judiciary appointees, provided those offering the inducements come from the same political camp as the recipient. In a unanimous ruling, the Court determined that …

“I think he means it,” argued Yesha Freier of the nationalist Jewish Right at Home Party. Jerusalem, 7 July 2050 – Israel’s prime minister sought today to allay his political base’s fears that the much-anticipated application of Israeli law to certain parts of territory gained in 1967 from Jordanian occupation will again see delays, asserting that the …

“If an anti-cannabis figure or organization were advancing this argument, you could dismiss it as insincere, but for us this is essential.” Jerusalem, June 25 – Impending legislation to remove criminal penalties for possession of marijuana has led a group of concerned scientists to caution against the move, given the paucity in Israel of decent …

Recent polls indicate anywhere from ten percent to one half of Palestinians under Palestinian rule would prefer Israeli citizenship to their current situation. Umm el-Fahm, June 18 – Legislators from the alliance of several mostly-Arab parties in Israel’s parliament addressed their non-citizen brethren living under Palestinian self-rule since 1993, cautioning them that if Israel does …

“The issue isn’t what Israel took control of in 1967, but in 1948.” Jerusalem, June 9 – Lawmakers from the alliance of several mostly-Arab political parties in Israel’s parliament voiced outrage today at the government’s announced intention to continue exercising its laws and governance instead of dismantling the mechanisms of Jewish independence and returning Jews …

“Give some credit to the American media for showing the way on how to save all the adversarial coverage for when a conservative is in office.” Jerusalem, May 26 – News and commentary figures across the country voiced satisfaction today from their progress in an endeavor to justify every negative accusation the prime minister has hurled …

“We can move on the legislation that bans coronavirus from other critical places, such as nursing homes, but that might be a tad ambitious at this stage.” Jerusalem, May 14 – Israeli lawmakers pre-empted various proceedings today surrounding the imminent formation of a government, to draft and pass legislation assigning COVID immunity to their 120-strong …

The only factor of any significance that determines whether the tyranny of the majority remains of concern. Tel Aviv, May 6 – Researchers have discovered that a major principle of democratic systems – namely that those systems must find ways to prevent the interests of any political minority from getting trampled – only applies when …

“I had my eye on the ministry of money laundering.” Nahariya, April 27 – The half-dozen citizens whose names have not been included in the roster of ministers forming the new national unity government admitted today they feel left out, local sources report. Right-leaning Likud and center-left-leaning Blue-and-White agreed last week to form a coalition …

“I cannot overstate the danger of letting those who think differently from disciples of Aharon Barak exert any lasting influence.” Tel Aviv, April 14 – Members of a narrow slice of the electorate with effective control of political and cultural institutions continue to voice concern that they face disenfranchisement, reports indicated Tuesday. Left-wing Israelis, who could muster …

“An incapacitated prime minister isn’t something we want as a nation, unless we’re trying to incapacitate him because we don’t like his politics.” Jerusalem, April 1 – Opposition figures continued to insist today that incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu must handle too many distractions to govern the country, especially now that he has chosen to …

“It would be absurd to suggest that a party that got less than a third of the vote, and could not forge an alliance with enough others to form a majority, should get to lead,” they each argued. Jerusalem, March 23 – Officials from Israel’s two largest political parties in the national legislature announced they …

“We actually see Netanyahu as lame-duck prime minister serving almost as long as he has at the head of a full-fledged government.” Tel Aviv, March 11 – Political and statistical groups confirmed today they intend to get a head start on the inevitable multiple rounds of parliamentary elections in Israel’s short-term future, and have begun formulating questions …

“The only way… is to get all up in the business of as many voters as possible, not to allow them the one thing that protects what remains of their sanity.” Jerusalem, March 2 – Representatives from all the parties registered for today’s parliamentary elections redoubled their efforts today to get a disillusioned, disaffected electorate …

“Hope I disposed of it properly; wouldn’t want it falling into the wrong hands.” Jerusalem, February 20 – Israel’s leading prophet during the latter First Temple period disclosed today his concerns that law enforcement authorities many centuries from now might get hold of the wrong version of his visions about universal worship of the one …

The identity of the guilty party remains unknown at press time. Sderot, February 11 – Residents of this town near the border with the Gaza Strip spent yet another night in reinforced rooms and underground bunkers because a prankster reprogrammed the Red Alert system that warns of incoming projectiles from the neighboring territory to trigger a …

“I will continue to work as hard as I can to make sure this episode causes no interruption in my use of power for personal gain.” Jerusalem, January 30 – Israel’s embattled prime minister promised his citizens today that he will not allow the historic moment facing the country to disrupt his administration’s horse-trading, bickering, …

“Everyone knows relations with the Arab world can’t happen unless and until we make peace with the Palestinians.” Jerusalem, January 22 – Critics of Israel’s politically embattled prime minister repeated their accusation today that the country’s unprecedented establishment of trade and diplomatic relations with those who long considered the Jewish State a sworn enemy serves …

“It’s time to set aside the political machinations that took up so much of my time and to go elsewhere, to focus on nurturing those lousy, counterproductive ideas in the warm environment of my Haifa home.” Jerusalem, January 13 – A former minister of finance whose breakaway faction folded back into the ruling party this past year …

“The High Court will assume the powers of the government and the Knesset, to prevent the erstwhile occupants of those offices from overstepping the legal limits we have just set.” Jerusalem, January 2 – Israel’s High Court of Justice threw a wrench into the works of an electoral campaign now getting into gear for this …

Each one interpreting the Hanukkah story in keeping with his or her rhetorical or political sympathies. Jerusalem, December 24 – Figures from across the political spectrum joined today in the venerable festive practice of characterizing opponents as latter-day manifestations of the same values or personalities the Hasmoneans defeated in the wars that gave rise to …

The causative link also exists in wider Arab society throughout the Middle East, where both video games and regular elections of any real democratic import remain vanishingly rare. Tel Aviv, December 12 – Researchers seeking to explain the many more rounds of voting citizens of the Jewish State must endure than their predecessors did have seized on …

Acknowledgement of a social reality. Jerusalem, December 4 – A movement that features doctrine, apostles, saints, a vision to transform society to conform to its tenets, and apocalyptic predictions if that vision does not become reality, has attained official status with Israel’s government office that grants funding to institutions and personnel serving various faiths in the …

If calls for his resignation stem from genuine concern for the integrity of Israeli democracy and rule of law, and not just an opportunity to get rid of the person who stands in the way of their own designs. Jerusalem, November 25 – Israel’s embattled prime minister strode further into the political morass surrounding his …

Accepting pointless elections every few months as an inescapable fact of life, to be managed rather than overcome, that’s something else entirely. Kibbutz Zikim, November 14 – The most recent barrages of missiles from Islamist groups in the neighboring Gaza Strip have residents of this cooperative agricultural community stressed, but not nearly as stressed as …

Officials admitted they find it difficult to identify any phenomenon other than Rabin’s assassination that paints the left in a positive light and the right in a negative one, given that the left’s policies resulted in so much carnage. Tel Aviv, November 5 – Twenty-four years after the murder of Israel’s prime minister by a …

A crucial measure at a time when those who exploit vulnerable victims for lustful satisfaction or for a sense of power face increasing isolation and threats to their continued political influence. Jerusalem, October 24 – Every delegation to the Knesset restated its acceptance of pedophiles, abusers, polygamists, and other criminals among their backers and decision-makers today, promising …

“We Palestinians know the same treatment at the hands of the rapacious, plundering invader.” Jerusalem, September 26 – A legislator from the Joint List alliance of Arab parties accused supporters of Jewish self-determination of subjecting millions of flying, pollinating insects to bondage and exploiting the creatures to harvest the product of their hard work. Member …

“Today marks a victory for democracy as cover for my machinations.” Moscow, September 18 – A long night of vote-counting, speeches, and tension culminated this morning in an announcement by Russia’s president thanking Israeli citizens for voting into office the candidates and parties of his choosing. Vladimir Putin congratulated Israelis Wednesday morning on voting the …

“If I could throw up I’d be doing so at least once a day.” Tel Aviv, September 9 – Several dark secrets of a political hopeful, in the form of human remains concealed behind the cabinet doors in a spare bedroom, thought they would grow accustomed to the odor of the chemical agent protecting some …

An official from Russia’s intelligence agency admitted his organization failed to maintain adequate data security. Moscow, August 29 – Officials in the administration of President Vladimir Putin voiced embarrassment today following the accidental release of the outcome of the upcoming vote for Knesset representation, journalists in the Russian capital are reporting. Multiple local sources recorded …

“Here the state squelches an important non-violent avenue of expression for Palestinian resistance.” Umm El-Fahm, August 20 – Activists decried the Israeli authorities’ intention to install equipment at voting stations in advance of next month’s parliamentary elections to prevent false balloting, calling the move a racist endeavor that violates the right of the country’s largest …

“Each us of knows the other must give in if we are to make any progress for the public good.” Jerusalem, August 8 – Parties hoping to gain positions in any anticipated coalition to emerge from next month’s parliamentary elections reached accord on one of the chief issues facing any such development: that those whose …

“Not an hour goes by that some aspiring Member of Knesset, mayor, city councilor, or whatever is stopping by to demonstrate he’s in touch with the common folk.” ‘Afula, July 31 – The proprietor of a deep-fried ethnic food establishment in this inland city observed today (Wednesday) that the business’s chief income no longer derives …

To prevent the embarrassing discovery that the disgraced Barak has anything to do with him. New York, July 22 – New revelations in the ongoing sex trafficking and pedophilia scandal surrounding an American financier and philanthropist continue to emerge, among them that an Israeli politician now attempting a comeback had tried to conceal his identity …

Researchers suggest that the status of “bot” may apply beyond the online world, even in your personal interactions not mediated by a mobile device. Tel Aviv, July 11 – Researchers studying online political discourse have discovered that in line with your expectations, not a single source of an opinion on social media or in comments …

“We cannibals are seldom as efficient or effective in our practice.” Tel Aviv, July 2 – Practitioners of the consumption of human flesh have begun taking a keen interest in the behavior of Israel’s main political camps ahead of an anticipated parliamentary election this September, noticing the latter’s increasing tendency to eat their own in …

“Any close contact Labor had with the threshold this past April occurred against my wishes.” Jerusalem, June 20 – Several lawmakers for one of Israel’s most venerable parties face an inquiry into allegedly lewd behavior as the party may have made inappropriate contact with having no representation in parliament at all. A new probe alleges that …

“This is obviously a result of the far-right demagoguery of Netanyahu and his minions.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – Journalists from some of the major media outlets in the country expressed frustration and disappointment today at the relative paucity of retail hot beverage establishments catering to a young, woke crowd where they can sit and …

“Israel must relinquish its near-monopoly on this precious resource, to which everyone has a right.” Jerusalem, May 29 – The increasing likelihood of a second round of parliamentary elections this year in Israel has prompted criticism from human rights organizations that the Jewish state monopolizes democratic resources in the Middle East, repeatedly exercising democratic processes …

“If there’s a government, it’s going to try to govern, and that’s not a good thing. I mean, just look at the last seventy-one years.” Jerusalem, May 20 – The extended deadline for reelected Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu to form a new governing coalition looms next week, but large swaths of Israeli society harbor the …

“We mistook the genocidal rhetoric of the account in question for an over-the-top parody.” San Francisco, May 9 – Micro-blogging media giant Twitter announced today it had apologized and reinstated the account of the Islamist group that runs the Gaza Strip and engages in routine terrorism, following the erroneous suspension of that account, whose radical …

Gabbay intends to ride out the 21st Knesset by attracting as little attention as possible and quietly leaving politics. Tel Aviv, April 30 – The leader of one of Israel’s once-great political parties, now at a nadir in its representation, aims to avoid attention for spearheading the greatest decline in the country’s electoral history by …

Activists plan a demonstration later this week near an Iron Dome battery to protest the use of destructive force against the rockets. Tel Aviv, April 15 – A group of activists aims to assist Palestinian missiles and other projectiles that have escaped the Gaza Strip by traveling in a ballistic arc into the Jewish State, …

Since 2016 each high school graduate has been assigned a unique new party. Jerusalem, April 4 – Journalists and political analysts predicted today that if the next Israeli government lasts its full four-year term, the number of parties vying for seats in the Knesset in the following campaign will exceed the number of eligible voters. Writing in …

Reelection may constitute the same type of bribery for which the premier now faces possible criminal prosecution, a case in which Netanyahu is alleged to have received positive media coverage. Jerusalem, March 26 – Israel’s Attorney General cautioned citizens ahead of parliamentary elections that a ballot for the incumbent prime minister’s party could fall under …

“When 2SS first came out, everyone expected a much greater degree of adherence.” Tel Aviv, March 13 – A conceptual framework for the resolution of the century-old conflict between Jews and Arabs over sovereignty in the Holy Land once commanded majority support among Israelis, but developments of the last fifteen years have seen that support …

Experts offered cautious praise for Netanyahu’s willingness to think outside the traditional confines of Israeli politics. Jerusalem, March 6 – Israel’s political landscape underwent upheaval today following an announcement by the incumbent prime minister that ahead of parliamentary elections this April he will work to bring together the most radical, odious parties from opposite ends …

Khan merely conquered his way across eastern and central Asia, leveling cities, putting entire regions to the sword, and crushing opposition by killing 10-15 million people in Iran alone. Tel Aviv, February 25 – Historians investigating the extent of slaughter and destruction under various militaristic regimes have found that although the founder of the medieval …

Observers point to some risks for Netanyahu in approving the recount, and which explain his hesitation. Jerusalem, February 14 – Popular discontent over apparent irregularities in the distribution of affectionate messages and gifts among party Knesset hopefuls has led Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu to order that the process undergo a repeat to ensure the results …

“Being an aggregator and posing as something original isn’t even original,” he added. “Tzipi Livni did it first.” Tel Aviv, February 5 – Tech analysts examining the composition of Israel’s most attention-grabbing political entity discovered today that the party produces no original content, instead gathering ideas and personnel from creators and repackaging them in a different …

The party seeks to forestall electoral decline. Tel Aviv, January 23 – One of Israel’s founding political parties now faces electoral decline as the country’s electorate drifts rightward, but believes it can counter or stave off stagnation by compromising on what has become a tenet of its ideology in the last three decades: the party …

Analysts admitted confusion that the apparent hypocrisy has not caused conservatives to pounce. Detroit, January 16 – A freshman Congresswoman whose religious faith enjoins her from the consumption of porcine flesh nevertheless intends to indulge in significant pork during the coming legislative session. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI), who describes herself as the first Palestinian-American woman in …

“Bombastic denunciations of Israel are always welcome, but that doesn’t put suicide bomber vests on the working Palestinian’s table.” Ramallah, January 7 – Palestinian lawmakers reacted with anger and frustration to President Mahmoud Abbas’s announcement last week disbanding the legislature, but promised despite the setback to continue their efforts not to accomplish a thing for their constituents. …

“It had always bothered me that certain parties seemed to flout that law and no one said anything about it.” Jerusalem, December 27 – High-ranking officials in Israel’s various political parties gearing up for elections this coming April voiced astonishment upon discovering that nowhere in the country’s laws governing the electoral process does there appear …

“Some public officials who should know better would rather sit in their chauffeured vehicles and sneer at hoi polloi than set an example for reducing traffic volume.” Jerusalem, December 18 – Israel’s highest-ranking official involved in the anticipation, assessment, and alleviation of automotive congestion criticized the country’s motorists today for using roadways in large numbers …

“I urge the public and the media not be taken in by this subterfuge,” admonished Labor MK Avi Gabbay. Jerusalem, December 5 – Political opponents and rivals of Israel’s prime minister accused him today of orchestrating the latest round of bribery and breach of trust allegations against himself and his wife in order to divert …

“This disingenuous charge obscures the real causes of the breakup.” Jerusalem, November 28 – Israel’s prime minister today defended the widow of the late John Lennon from widespread accusations that her meddling in the cabinet’s affairs led to the unraveling of a coalition that had functioned for years until she came along and interfered, sowing …

Experts expressed diverse opinions on the wisdom of such a move. Jerusalem, November 19 – Coalition troubles that led to the impending collapse of the current Likud-led government has the prime minister considering a policy that upon reelection will see him retaining every ministry to forestall the instability that brought about the present collapse, instead …

The cause of this Israeli brazenness remains unknown. Jerusalem, November 8 – A majority of the electorate in the Jewish State continues to demonstrate unprecedented temerity by placing greater priority on their own safety and security than on the ideals that animate the left segment of the political spectrum in the United States. Analysts note …

“It was clearly a cathartic experience for some voters to specifically choose the ballots of those opposing the ones who basically harassed them.” Jerusalem, October 30 – Israeli local elections taking place today throughout the country appear to bear out a simple truth, researchers have discovered, namely that voters prefer campaigns that do not involve …

“You just wait and see. 338th time’s the charm.” Jerusalem, October 17 – Israeli parliamentary work resumed Sunday following a holiday recess, with the legislative minority predicting that the next corruption charge against the prime minister will bring him down, unlike the hundreds before that came to nothing. Opposition figures voiced bold predictions that the …

Cyber. Cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber. Jerusalem, October 11 – Cyber. Cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber. Cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber cyber …

Of course no one would suggest political considerations really lie at the heart of the rule-of-law arguments. Jerusalem, September 12 – Legal scholars and political commentators have noticed in recent weeks that despite its supremacy in every other arena, the rule of law appears to have no place in the ongoing controversy over a Bedouin squatter village …

“We fear for Israeli democracy,” stated Lapid, who personally selected the eleven MKs now serving in the Knesset for Yesh Atid. Tel Aviv, August 1 – A kingmaking faction in the Knesset whose parliamentary representation gets selected by it’s chairman’s fiat warned this week that last week’s passage of legislation affirming Israel as the nation-state of the …

The sixty-year-old can maintain her commitment to not quite making it to the top, and to finding just the right moment to jump ship. Jerusalem, July 26 – Congratulations to a veteran lawmaker poured in today following the announcement that Labor Party chief Avi Gabbay will step aside as Opposition Leader in favor of ally …

“The only way to prevent Bibi and company from imposing fascism is to overthrow his junta and impose the right – which is to say left – kind of fascism.” Tel Aviv, July 18 – An editorial staff member at Israel’s most venerable daily has encountered difficulty in determining whether an opinion piece submitted to …

“It’s been a real… well, I don’t have to say it,” mumbled a frustrated MK Ahmad Tibi. Jerusalem, July 12 – Cries of protest filled the plenum of Israel’s parliament today following revelations that a new policy to eliminate the use of precious paper resources also meant legislators and their staff must do without the …

Referees issued no such sanction, according to witnesses. Jerusalem, July 5 – A legislator from the Joint List whose grandstanding piece of legislation called for international supervision of an Israeli nuclear facility has been faking an injury in the parliamentary aisles in hopes of getting officials to penalize those who voted against the bill and …

“We’re really busy getting this abdication of our responsibility just right.” Jerusalem, June 28 – The Knesset’s Legislative Committee took a bill off the table this week for the fourth time, a law that would declare Israel recognizes the genocide of Armenian Christians during the First World War by the Ottoman Empire and its emerging successor state …

Ten-year-old Tal Silber’s attorneys petitioned the High Court to rule on the legality of a 9 PM lights-out policy in the Silber household. Jerusalem, June 20 – Continued absence of a law defining the role of Israel’s most senior judicial body has resulted in the court assuming jurisdiction over an increasing swath of the society’s …

“Numbers and rigorous mathematics are a Zionist deceit anyway,” shrugged Ayman Odeh, list chairman. Jerusalem, June 14 – Experts debunked a survey this afternoon measuring the popularity of each party were parliamentary elections held today, noting that the clearest evidence of the study’s counterfactual outcome lies in finding that the alliance of four mostly-Arab parties …

“It’s frustrating, and maybe a little suspicious.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – Activists campaigning for representation of non-Jews in the official organs of governance in Israel voiced confusion today at statistics showing that despite efforts to open Rabbinic positions to all possible candidates, not a single non-Jew has expressed interest in such positions. Members of …

Zoabi assured reporters that she should not be misunderstood as endorsing violence, while she merely sought to endorse violence. Jerusalem, May 30 – A prominent legislator from the mostly-Arab alliance of parties in the Knesset stopped short of calling mortar and rocket fire from Gaza at Israeli communities an acceptable course of action for Palestinians, …

Families retain their status as private citizens and must not be held to the same level of scrutiny and accountability unless attached to a politician from the political opposition, in which case there are no holds barred. Jerusalem, May 24 – Rare consensus emerged today in political circles when leaders across the ideological spectrum expressed …

The least corrupt prime minister Israel has had in at least nine years. Jerusalem, May 9 – Upheaval gripped the pundit class and political realm in Israel today following the release of a comprehensive academic study that found Binyamin Netanyahu the least corrupt prime minister of Israel in office right now. A team of researchers …

“It would be a shame to have so many CDs go to waste. My children’s preschool can only use so many of the things in crafts projects.” Jerusalem, May 1 – Employees at Israel’s Office of the Prime Minister found a creative use for the otherwise obsolete magnetic storage media containing Iran’s nuclear weapons development …

The expected course of action in Islamic society will involve suppression, denial, or accusations that the test was either wrong or manipulated. Umm el-Fahm, April 30 – A vocal member of Israel’s Arab political scene lapsed into atypical silence this weekend upon discovering that his genetic makeup indicates ancestry that Muslim rhetoric often invokes to disparage …

Analysts and political hopefuls rushed to suggest how such a party might come into being. Tel Aviv, April 24 – Political commentators and operatives buzzed with excitement this week following the publication of a survey that found incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu vulnerable to a “dream team” of figures who, if they formed a party in time …

They draw a salary far in excess of the median national monthly salary for full-time employees. Jerusalem, April 18 – As controversy swirls around the role of the judiciary in Israel and its relationship with the legislative branch of government, a group of NGOs has submitted a petition to the High Court of Justice urging …

He hopes to decide whether to order cabinet officials to remain silent at all times except behind closed official doors, with exceptions only he can authorize. Jerusalem, April 11 – Israel’s Prime Minister has begun considering expanding his order to Coalition officials and legislators to refrain from commenting on the situation in Syria, to include …

“Exactly none of the dead come from a demographic that would join a Zionist, or even Jewish, party, and I think we all know why that is.” Umm el-Fahm, April 3 – Officials from the parties composing the political alliance called the Joint List voiced frustration today that the masses of Palestinians who were expected …

“That’s a disturbing indication of what’s wrong with our society.” Tel Aviv, March 20 – A troubling new study points to systemic discrimination in Israel so deep that women judges receive, on average, bribes that are almost a third lower than male judges. Justice, the quarterly journal of Israel’s Bar Association, will publish a report …

Operatives arranged for votes from Palestinian-controlled areas, where they are not being used, to be smuggled into Israel. Jerusalem, March 19 – A volunteer with the consulate of France in Israel’s capital was arrested today and charged with smuggling votes to a political party desperate to head off disappearance from the Knesset in the next …

He voiced belief that reversing Trump’s relocation would reestablish the international limbo that his party has always excelled at maintaining. Tel Aviv, March 13 – Labor Party Chairman Avi Gabbay reacted to reports of possible parliamentary elections this year by taking the opportunity to make campaign promises, among them a pledge to have the American …

The cover story for ostensibly impending elections involves mutually exclusive red lines declared by the Haredi parties in the coalition and Yisrael Beiteinu. Jerusalem, March 7 – Officials at the Prime Minister’s Office reported today that the President of Russia has asked Israel’s premier not to announce new elections until Russian operatives can complete their …

This time the evidence would leave no doubt that he had thoroughly abused Palestinians. Jerusalem, February 28 – Drama continued to surround a series of corruption cases involving Israel’s prime minister this afternoon as a prominent member of a human rights group volunteered to perpetrate physical abuse against Palestinians if that would help encourage the …

It aimed at depicting his political rivals as deranged, obsessed, and dangerous, given the affinity between them and Haaretz. Tel Aviv, February 22 – New revelations continued to rock Israel’s political scene today as allegations emerged that the embattled prime minister had proposed an illegal payment and other possible benefits to the publisher of a …

The revelations came on the heels of a police decision to recommend criminal prosecution for Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu in two cases. Jerusalem, February 15 – Scandal continued to rock Israel’s political scene yesterday as dozens of legislators were swept up in a widening investigation into illegal acceptance of gifts following delivery to the parliament …

“We dispute the categorizing people as ‘Jewish’ or ‘Arab’ for the poll,” the report read. “NGO work calls for that distinction to be made only when it fits the narrative of evil-Jews.” Tel Aviv, February 7 – A human-rights-monitoring group showcased a survey today of Arabs who hold Israeli citizenship regarding the impending deportation of …

“He better not blow this.” Jerusalem, January 30 – Women legislators from across the political spectrum voiced their frustration today with a colleague whose antics they contend shames the parliament, and dared him to measure his dong against theirs, with the loser agreeing to step down. MKs Aida Touma-Sliman, Michal Biran, Tamar Zandberg, Rachel Azaria, …

Employing his diplomatic immunity, Netanyahu will repeat the taboo phrase for the duration of his speech. Jerusalem, January 29 – Sources within the Prime Minister’s Office reported today that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will deliver an address to the Polish legislature later this week consisting entirely of the phrase “Polish death camps” repeated again and again. The …

The Tamimi clan has yet to offer a formal response; the couple was too busy fielding expressions of support for cousin Ahlam, accomplice to the slaughter of 15 people in a 2001 bombing. Tel Aviv, January 23 – A prominent Palestinian-American activist who styles herself a feminist leader has amended her desire to confiscate the lady parts of two …

The prime minister called talk of his supposed inability to conduct the business of the state a naan-issue. Jerusalem, January 17 – Political adversaries of the prime minister took to the media today to denounce him for using a trip to India to distract from the scandals plaguing his administration, and to caste doubt on …

“Haaretz, at least, should know better, with its out-in-the-open prioritizing of political change over journalistic integrity.” Tel Aviv, January 10 – Members of Israel’s political Opposition and adherents of parties or ideologies at odds with the governing right-wing coalition expressed resignation today over the fact that the mainstream media support the Opposition, thus depriving the Left …

Figures show not a single death from a construction site accident among income earners of twenty-five-thousand shekels per month and above. Jerusalem, January 4 – An investigative committee formed to study socioeconomic gaps and to formulate policies to address them has issued a scathing report on fatal accidents that occur at construction sites, and noted …

Two lawmakers objected to the proposal, arguing that the clog-prone toilet should be named for other, more worthy candidates, perhaps people closer to home. Jerusalem, December 28 – Reports of discussions surrounding a proposal to name a future train station near the Western Wall after US President Donald Trump in appreciation of his decision to …

Many government and public-sector employees find it difficult to transition from their routine stonewalling of citizens to the stonewalling that takes place as part of a strike. Jerusalem, December 20 – A strike among public-sector workers entered its fourth day today, but the public has not caught on because there appears to be no noticeable …

The prime minister gave a specific nod to Socialist Venezuela, where the opposition has been similarly banned. Jerusalem, December 13 – Bowing to ongoing criticism from the left of Israel’s political spectrum, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu agreed today to implement various policies associated with Socialism, beginning with the disqualification of opposition parties from fielding candidates …

The List will not be permitted to avail itself of Fifth Column privileges for the next two years, but will be eligible to reapply at the end of 2019. Jerusalem, December 11 – The alliance of four mostly-Arab parties in Israel’s parliament faces bureaucratic and procedural difficulties in the months ahead after the group failed to submit …

All these perfectly good fat jokes are going to go to waist. Tel Aviv, December 5 – Following reports that Coalition Whip David Bitan will step down after being implicated in a corruption investigation, hack writers and pundits across Israel’s media scene sighed, shook their heads in resignation, and consigned to oblivion their untapped reserve …

The projects include paving paradise, constructing a parking lot at the same location, a contract to operate a big yellow taxi service based there, another to build tree museum, and another to operate the facility and charge people the shekel equivalent of US $1.50 admission. Jerusalem, November 28 – New troubles appear to face Israeli …

“Joshua and David should have consulted us before they waged their short-sighted campaigns.” Tel Aviv, November 21 – Activists in the country’s leading organization promoting removal of Jewish communities from areas Palestinians claim for a future state are leveling criticism at two major leaders of the nation for promoting the establishment and development of such communities …

“A truly God-fearing society would see the petty, manipulative, egotistic, narcissistic, greedy blowhards of the Knesset crushed into the ground.” Jerusalem, November 14 – Following the announcement by a prominent Iranian cleric that the deadly earthquake there on Sunday morning reflected divine displeasure for various forms of sexual immorality, a leading ultra-orthodox Rabbi in Israel …

“This kind of overflow in spending obviously requires attention, but it would be unwise to assume it can be sustained over the long term.” Jerusalem, November 8 – Ministry of Finance auditors have found that an initiative to construct a tremendous toilet down which to flush the public’s money has far exceeded the funds allocated …

Other than ambitious individuals who aim to seize power for themselves, supporters of such a system tend to populate countries that have never experienced its depredations. Caracas, November 1 – A movement of activists calling for overthrow of the prevailing capitalist and democratic economic and political system intends to establish a system in its place …

By the same process, incidentally, pundits, apologists, and politicians have always justified violence against Jews as ‘legitimate resistance to occupation.’ Tel Aviv, October 26 – A groundbreaking new study has confirmed for the first time what many people have concluded through innate intuition: that being on the “right” side of a given political issue grants …

Several disgruntled former administration officials have joined the nascent movement, including a number from Jeroboam’s tribe of Ephraim. Shechem, October 22 – Israel’s fractured political scene continued its fragmentation today as a former Solomon administration official announced the formation of a new political party separate from the governing faction in Judah. Jeroboam, son of Nebat, …

The statement cited an impending UNESCO resolution declaring the meteorological phenomena of Israel to be part of Palestinian cultural heritage. Jerusalem, October 16 – As of last Thursday, Jewish liturgy calls for the thrice-daily prayers to begin mentioning God as the source of wind and rain, a practice that politicians from Israel’s Arab community are …

“It’s important for Israel to show solidarity with the people and… industry of Las Vegas in this difficult time.” Jerusalem, October 2 – A mass shooting at a concert in Las Vegas last night has prompted Israeli lawmaker Oren Hazan to begin enthusiastic preparations for a mission to provide aid and solidarity to the people …

“It’s only fitting that the place that shares its name with the Hebrew term for a synagogue be governed by similar rules.” Jerusalem, September 24 – Leaders of the ultra-orthodox parties in Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s governing coalition flexed their political muscles today, issuing an ultimatum that unless men and women Members of Knesset are …

The plaza, which covers the area between the security gates and the entrance to the parliament building itself, features no plant life. Jerusalem, September 17 – Inspired by the civic spirit of an American preteen who volunteered to cut the grass on the White House lawn, an Israeli youth has offered his services in mowing …

Rabin’s candidacy for sainthood has been a matter of discussion within the Church of the Peace Process for more than twenty years. Tel Aviv, September 12 – The head of one of Israel’s most venerable ideological institutions has initiated a process aimed at recognizing late Prime Minister Itzhak Rabin as a saint, officials in the …

They want you to succumb to conspiracy theories because it dumbs you down. Jerusalem, September 7 – Government documents obtained by journalists today reveal that what you have concluded from the information provided to you on earlier occasions matches with what unspecified forces in government, media, and business want you to believe. In what many experts are …

“Perhaps somebody should remind them what freedom of expression entails, maybe by firing rockets at them from the Gaza Strip.” Umm el-Fahm, September 3 – A firebrand Arab-Israeli parliamentarian has waded into controversy again, remarking Sunday that when Israeli security forces arrest Palestinians for attempting or planning attacks on Israelis, those arrests constitute a stifling …

Frustration over the diluted effect of multiple corruption probes of Netanyahu has had the counterintuitive effect of protests to demand more investigative activity. Jerusalem, August 30 – Analysts and political activists voiced concerns today that reports of an investigation into conflict-of-interest and public trust issues involving Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu may have adverse consequences for public attention …

When you engage in such activity, it represents democratic accountability to the electorate, whereas when others perform functionally identical activities, they represent special interest groups who exploit or harm democratic systems for their own narrow ends. Jerusalem, August 22 – New research has given a scientific basis to a venerable assumption in politics, according to which …

“Their factions haven’t held sway in long time, but they’re still acting as if they matter. It’s kind of pathetic.” Ramallah, August 21 – Aides and other officials present at a meeting yesterday between Meretz Party Chairwoman Zahava Gal-On and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas spent much of the encounter and its immediate aftermath wondering …

Kahlon ordered the preparation of the report following the lackluster performance of his flagship housing initiative. Tel Aviv, August 16 – Rising real estate prices have put the purchase of a home beyond the reach of most Israelis who seek to live near where the bulk of jobs are, leading the Minister of Finance to …

“We trust him to distill and explain things that our female brains, addled by hormones, are ill-equipped to handle.” Jerusalem, August 9 – The Israeli legislature’s Committee on the Status of Women has appointed one of its male members to address their meetings to help the women understand what they are supposed to be doing, …

Coverage of such developments might give the public the wrong idea about what happens when a government administers the economy and drives it into the ground. Jerusalem, July 31 – Figures across the left part of Israel’s political spectrum seek to prevail upon news media personalities and organizations to refrain from carrying stories about the …

“This was a bold, decisive move,” insisted Yuval Shebnitz, an official closely allied with King Bibi. Jerusalem, July 27 – King Bibi Hizkiyahu of Judah emptied the treasury of Solomon’s Temple and sent them as tribute to the advancing King of Assyria Sennacherib today, reassuring the people of Jerusalem that surely the Assyrians will be …

“As the Jewish proverb states, ‘In a place where there is no man, strive to be a man.’” Jerusalem, July 23 – The Israeli government’s relative restraint in the aftermath of two murdered police officers and more than a week of deadly rioting has forced lawmakers from the Joint List alliance in the Knesset to …

“Technically, it would be more democratic if we focused on Israelis, but politics is the art of compromise,” acknowledged MK Ilan Gilon. Tel Aviv, July 18 – A leading news and opinion powerhouse has joined forces with like-minded figures on Israel’s political scene, and will devote some of its online and print space to giving …

Ssecular parents and activists fear a trend of religion encroaching on the secular public sphere, lo aleinu. Tel Baruch, Tel Aviv, July 13 – The new head of Israel’s largest Opposition party devoted his attention today to parents’ concerns that their children in the otherwise secular education system are being indoctrinated with religious content, and promised …

Labor officials acknowledged Erekat’s argument. “It’s more or less true.” Ramallah, July 5 – Following the election of a yet another Israeli Jew as the new chairman of the country’s Labor Party, Palestinian leaders accused both the party and wider Israeli society of maintaining ethnic segregation aimed at denying Palestinians political and civil rights. Saeb …

“None of the credible candidates offer the promise of eliminating or mitigating this threat to public health,” elaborated Aryush Itinmi. Jerusalem, July 3 – Public Health officials in Israel announced today they are recalling the latest batch of Labor Party primaries over concerns they may contain elevated levels of patheticalness, lost glory, and flogged dead …

“We cannot risk people being exposed to those vile creatures.” Jerusalem, June 28 – Health inspectors visiting Israel’s legislative compound have closed the site’s dining facility after discovering the space teeming with politicans. The room is expected to remain closed for two days while fumigation takes place. A routine inspection of the Knesset by Jerusalem …

“Conducting business in occupied areas legitimizes and cements occupation.” Geneva, June 21 – Demonstrators protested today outside the United Nations Human Rights Council, calling for Palestinians to stop running their businesses in areas under Israeli occupation, and to demand the Council condemn Palestinians who make a living there, as conducting business in occupied territory violates …

“What does he think he is, some objective personality?” Jerusalem, June 19 – Lawmakers from several Opposition parties in the Knesset voiced anger today at the Attorney General for not opening an inquiry into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu over possible involvement in the London blaze last week that left dozens of people dead. Attorney General Avichai …

“The data are clear on this,” asserted Straw Mann, lead author of the study. Tel Aviv, June 14 – Groundbreaking new research has confirmed a longstanding hypothesis according to which the violence committed by people or entities allied with your political position is an aberration, regardless of its frequency and intensity, whereas violence perpetrated by …

“Adherence to procedure is a cornerstone of democratic institutions and societies, which means we cannot simply disregard the traditional ban on codes of ethics.” Ramat Gan, June 11 – The Jewish Home Party kicked off efforts over the weekend to formulate a new code of ethics for party leaders and functionaries, in a move that …

The party leadership has continued to conduct itself as if Labor’s positions still matter on a national level. Jerusalem, June 6 – Polling stations across Israel will open in several weeks for the Labor Party primaries, in which the party membership will select its next leader for a period of continued marginal significance to national politics. …

“The current Minister of Transport might have some good intentions when it comes to this infrastructure, but not good enough. Labor can and will do better.” Tel Aviv, June 1 – Candidates in the upcoming primary for leadership of Israel’s Labor Party voice forceful disagreement on the party’s direction, but agree that crumbling infrastructure occupies …

They would not, heaven forbid, thereby imply that it was a bad thing when Israelis are targeted for terrorism. Jerusalem, May 24 – The Joint List alliance of mostly-Arab parties in the Knesset issued its condemnation of Monday night’s bombing outside a concert in Manchester, England, after ascertaining that the terrorist attack everyone was discussing …

The time has come to recognize the failure of every such model that has been proposed, and to promote ideas with more contemporary relevance. Jerusalem, May 22 – Israeli political figures who long advocated a long-term resolution with the Palestinians that encompasses two states for two peoples have admitted that the notion has run its …

We wanted to determine whether there is a limit to his- oh, goodness, did he really just say that to Trump? Oh my God. Rehovot, May 18 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science expressed doubt today whether Opposition leader and Labor Party Chairman Isaac “Bougie” Herzog can descend even lower into the mire …

A Knesset legal adviser disabused them of a literal interpretation of the turn of phrase, leading them at first to express frustration, then disappointment. Jerusalem, May 14 – Legislators from the Joint List alliance of mostly-Arab parties in the Knesset admitted feeling let down today upon discovering that calls for Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s head …

The fewer votes a party earns, the greater its representation would be in the Knesset. Jerusalem, May 9 – Israel’s summer legislative session began this morning with a Meretz-sponsored bill that would adopt homeopathic principles in assigning representation in the parliament, under which the fewer votes a party earns, the greater its representation in the …

“Indeed, we see eye to eye with the Palestinian leadership on many important issues,” declared Grand Moff Tarkin. Umm el-Fahm, May 4 – MK Haneen Zoabi issued a statement of appreciation today for the diplomatic efforts of Galactic Emperor Palpatine, who instructed the Imperial ambassador to the UN’s cultural arm to vote in favor of …

“That’s disgusting. I feel ill.” Umm el-Fahm, April 30 – Locals who assembled to view video clips of Islamic State militants decapitating prisoners expressed today that they felt their feelings hurt by a nearby blue-and white banner on a municipal building. The group of residents who gathered around a smartphone to observe the series of …

Instead, the trolls have discovered, they have been engaging in these activities out of conviction that the prosperity and security of the world’s only Jewish State is a key value in their identity and sense of purpose. Jerusalem, April 26 – The collective of social media and informal online Israel advocacy contributors who distort or deflect …

“Holocaust survivors are a national resource for us as politicians seeking to score moral or rhetorical points, and it’s downright irresponsible to allow them to die like that.” Tel Aviv, April 19 – Political figures on the Israeli Left pounced on Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today for avoiding responsibility for the welfare of Holocaust survivors, …

“You can’t just show me a Wikipedia article that relegates the political side to a single small paragraph and tell me it celebrates something deeper.” Jerusalem, April 18 – Political figures across Israel expressed wonderment today at the revelation that the traditional Moroccan Jewish post-Passover celebration is a traditional Moroccan Jewish post-Passover celebration, and not, …

“Tom Jones, Aerosmith, Rod Stewart, the Pet Shop Boys – and that’s just through June. When the heck are we going to conduct the business of this party – and of this country?” Tel Aviv, April 6 – Leadership of the Israeli Labor Party is now considering joining the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement in the …

Not even a switch to boxers prevented the phenomenon from worsening, the sources indicate. Tel Aviv, April 2 – Michal Herzog has grown weary of mending and replacing the briefs her husband gets destroyed when subjected to his daily humiliation of wedgies in the Knesset, a source close to the Herzog household disclosed today. Opposition …

Zoabi argued that the institutionalized discrimination of Israeli society and political system meant she must be given first use of the swing. Jerusalem, March 28 – Yesterday marked the first day of the Passover break in the Israeli parliament, prompting the 120 legislators to rush out to the facility’s playground, where rival lawmakers began arguing …

“Foreign relations are supposed to be something he’s good at,” observed an aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But no relations have taken place between him and females abroad, as far as anyone can tell, in years.” Jerusalem, March 23 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has grown frustrated with holding onto the position of …

“Elections aren’t in the air until Tzipi decides she’s had enough with her current position of political irrelevance and desires a new one of even greater irrelevance.” Tel Aviv, March 19 – A coalition crisis has pundits predicting the demise of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s government, but several experts point to clear indications that no new …

Herzog was heard to mumble, “Et tu, Buji?” Tel Aviv, March 15 – Labor Party leader Isaac Herzog returned to his beloved city of Tel Aviv today amid throngs of supporters, and there encountered an oracle who greeted him with dire warnings of whatever. Herzog, who faces numerous challengers in upcoming party primaries, was forced …

“Pantsuits as far as the eye could see.” Jerusalem, March 8 – Close followers of sartorial fashion trends has harsh words for female lawmakers today, criticizing them for unattractive clothing choices in honor of International Women’s Day. Fashion critics laced into the women who serve as role models, decrying their apparent lack of will to …

It does not help, say experts, that the news media and Opposition politicians conflate the various investigations. Tel Aviv, March 6 – Investigators questioning Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu in one of several open inquiries into his alleged misconduct in multiple cases keep losing track of which investigation they are pursuing at the moment, a police …

“The same goes for followers of Osama Bin Laden – how can this country make a serious claim to diversity without such people in the legislature?” Jerusalem, March 1 – Social activists decried the composition of Israel’s legislature today, calling the lack of Nazis, ISIS members, and other marginalized groups a stain on the body’s …

“This is a serious development,” declared a subdued Ahmad Tibi. Tel Aviv, February 22 – Following the sentencing of an IDF soldier for a manslaughter conviction after he killed a wounded, neutralized Palestinian terrorist, members of the Joint List of mostly Arab parties in the Knesset voiced concern today that the severity of the sentence …

“Yael and Yaakov can help us shore up our sense of frustration and dissatisfaction. That’s our currency,” said Herzog. Jerusalem, February 20 – Two prominent Opposition factions have reached a deal to exchange established MKs for politicians in the farm system of local government teams, the parties announced today. According to the announcement, Yair Lapid’s …

The Meretz Euphemism-Required-Doublespeak Enactment (1984)(2017) (MERDE) Jerusalem, February 16 – Legislators from the far-left Meretz Party seek to establish Doublespeak as an official language of Israel alongside Hebrew and Arabic, a statement by the party announced today. Officials from Meretz distributed the statement this morning and referred to a draft proposal they intend to submit …

Israelis look forward to Livni’s eventual impact on the UN, which, if Livni’s record serves as an indicator, will descend into irrelevance and impotence. Tel Aviv, February 12 – Reports of the new UN Secretary-General offering MK Tzipi Livni a position as one of his Deputy Secretaries have Israelis across the political spectrum excited over …

“Taking this firm ideological stance – which is also a practical one – will convey our gravitas as an alternative to the failures of the current government.” Jerusalem, February 7 – Senior figures within Israel’s Labor Party found themselves in sharp disagreement about the future of the party this week after several suggested that Labor …

The ascendancy of the Left was cemented into the workings of the justice-appointment process, and the Left has been clinging to its hold on the institution for dear life. Jerusalem, February 2 – Israel’s supreme court handed down a decision today reaffirming the long-held judicial principle that to be accepted as members of the High …

“The monthly payments start at 48,815 shekels. Netanyahu then gives kickbacks to the State and its institutions, such that more than 36,000 shekels of the total figure go back to Israel.” Jerusalem, January 29 – Senior figures in the parliamentary opposition charged that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu gets paid more than 17,000 shekels each month …

Criticism of the measure was not long in coming. “In any norm- I mean, this is no way to go about making or enforcing public policy.” Jerusalem, January 25 – Tax Authority officials announced today the imposition of a charge for every verbal or written use of the phrase, “Bim’dinah m’tukkenet…” roughly translated as, “In a …

If unfed for too long, report observers, the monster lashes out by causing social unrest and terrorism. Jerusalem, January 18 – The creature lurking in Minister of Finance Moshe Kahlon’s wardrobe is beginning to grow and to demand greater quantities of the middle-class tears it needs to survive, local sources have reported. Kahlon has been …

Avi Kastah, 40, earned the award keeping the machine in working order despite the high intensity of its operation. Jerusalem, January 16 – A low-level employee at Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s office has been given Employee of the Month honors for December, extending his streak to a record two-and-a-half years. The man tasked with keeping …

“He’d do almost anything to be accused of hooking up with hookers, maybe going on a serial killing spree and eating children,” observed one aide. Caesarea, January 11 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has nothing but envy for the scale of exploitation President-Elect Donald Trump has wrought with hostile media coverage, to his political advantage, …

Experts caution that the record applies only to sex scandals, whereas other forms of alleged misconduct occur daily. Jerusalem, January 4 – A new mark has been set for Israel’s political system now that it has gone a full four days into 2017 without word of a new sex scandal involving parliamentarians, ministers, senior officials …

“Who is this guy, anyway, with no administrative experience beyond Potiphar’s estate and the prison?” Memphis, January 2 – An Egyptian official who has argued against the king’s appointment of a Hebrew former slave to a position second only to the Crown denies that his opposition stems from anti-Hebrew prejudice, contending that he is merely …

“Bib- I mean, Ezra, go home.” Jerusalem, December 29 – Leaders on the political left in the Perso-Median province of Judea leveled harsh criticism at Ezra and Nehemiah for pursuing policies that only cause isolation when the society should be opening up, given its dependence on foreign powers. Zionist Union heads Isaac Herzog and Tzipi …

At Meretz headquarters in Tel Aviv, party members debated sending a delegation to the Security Council and presenting the flowers directly. Tel Aviv, December 25 – Officials in the Meretz Party sought to send bouquets to the United Nations Security Council today, following the body’s decision to declare Israeli Jewish communities beyond the 1949 armistice …

If the effort succeeds, it may allow former MK Azmi Bishara to return from self-imposed exile in Qatar. Jerusalem, December 20 – Members of the Joint List alliance of mostly Arab parties in the Knesset spent Monday in an intense effort to find a law they could swear is on the books, a measure that …

“No one who conducts himself that way can continue to serve as firstborn.” Eden, December 15 – Scandal erupted today in Adam and Eve’s family after their eldest son was accused of seducing his sister, and calls emerged for Cain to step down from his position as firstborn. Rumors began circulating last week that Cain …

MK Haj Yahiah repeated the call to kill Ephron. Somewhere near Hebron, December 11 – A Hittite man who struck a lucrative real estate deal with a Hebrew patriarch was forced to conceal his whereabouts after receiving death threats from Palestinians opposed to the sale of any part of Palestine to Jews. Ephron, the previous owner …

Both organizations have roots on the political left. Tel Aviv, December 7 – Zionist Union faction chief and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog voiced confidence today that if and when a buyer comes along to purchase and rehabilitate the ailing HaPoel Tel Aviv soccer franchise, the investor or investors will do the same for his Labor Party. …

Whoever votes in favor of such a delay will carry an air of dickishness for the duration of the legislative session. Jerusalem, November 30 – The Knesset Legislative Committee voted unanimously today to postpone a plenum vote on a bill to declare moving back the scheduled date and time of a vote on legislation a …

The law would require that any such calamity receive approval from an independent oversight committee before it be permitted to strike Israel. Jerusalem, November 28 – Lawmakers from the Meretz Party are preparing legislation to outlaw fires, earthquakes, and other large-scale calamities when national and media attention is already focused on possible misdeeds of right-wing …

“It looks more and more as if Bibi is using his Facebook following to bolster the messaging and following he cultivates on Twitter and vice versa.” Jerusalem, November 23 – Political opponents of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu have asked the State Comptroller to investigate the premier’s use of two competing social media platforms, claiming that …

“Trump is a bigot,” proclaimed the legislator, whose party supports homophobia and misogyny, and denied the legitimacy of Israel as a Jewish State. Jerusalem, November 16 – No date has been announced for the trip to Israel President-elect Donald Trump has promised to make once he assumes office, but the country’s Arab lawmakers are already …

“It is the duty of the State to protect its citizens from harm,” wrote Smolanibakhyan in the journal Cloister. Tel Aviv, November 14 – A professor of political science at Tel Aviv University warned today that the mere introduction of legislation by lawmakers to the right of Labor on the political spectrum constitutes a microaggression against …

“It’s quite possible Mr. Trump will shut down the hostile United Nations, nuke Iran to smithereens, and increase military aid to us by several billion dollars annually.” Jerusalem, November 10 – One day after Donald Trump soundly defeated Hillary Clinton to become the 45th president of the United States, cabinet ministers and members of the …

Diverse voices could be heard at the rally, including journalists who took the opportunity to trumpet the fact that Netanyahu and his allies are silencing them. Tel Aviv, November 6 – Tens of thousands of Israelis gathered Saturday night to commemorate slain Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin who was assasssinated twenty-one years ago, representing a wide …

There is not a single work in all of Tanakh written by someone who doesn’t see monotheism as a value, or who believes bribery to be just the thing. Tel Aviv, November 1 – Leaders of Israel’s main opposition party today charged that the LORD was suppressing democratic dissent by filling the record of His …

“It would not be very progressive of us to simply accept the democratic will of the people – that is not what progressives do.” Tel Aviv, October 27 – A dangerous streak of democratic elections that failed to return the Israeli Left to power has the secular, progressive, self-appointed conscience of the society in the …

“To pursue a path of conciliation would be a shameful betrayal of our paths to date.” Umm el-Fahm, October 21 – Members of the Joint List political alliance of mostly Arab parties voiced concern today over rumors that Palestinian Authority President and PLO Chairman Mahmoud Abbas might make a historic visit to the Israeli parliament, …

The ten-dozen-plus clowns are supposed to be there, possibly as a way of keeping them off the streets and frightening even more people – at least that’s what the electorate seems to want. Jerusalem, October 13 – Israel’s parliamentary security organization is observing the raft of frightening clown sightings in the US with concern, knowing …

“If Herzog and Livni are serious about standing a chance in the next election, they had better agree exactly which loony anti-Bibi conspiracy theory to promote.” Tel Aviv, October 7 – Leaders of the opposition Zionist Union faction in the Knesset have yet to develop a coherent approach to blaming Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu for …

“I daresay the Zionist State will refuse this compromise, betraying the very intransigence which lies at the root of the conflict.” Jerusalem, September 29 – Leaders of Israel’s Arab political parties softened their stance today on the death and funeral of former president Shimon Peres, saying that they will in fact attend the burial and …

Plenum sessions have challenged him, since Knesset rules preclude his bringing his enormous teddy bear into the chamber as he nurses a glass of warm milk and listens to a favorite story. Jerusalem, September 25 – A proposed amendment to deliberation rules for legislation and other business in the Knesset plenum seeks to restrict the body’s active …

Jews are barred from expressions of religious devotion on the Temple Mount, Judaism’s holiest site, while Muslims are free to behave there as they wish. Jerusalem, September 21 – An investigative commission on the activities of the newly-established Apartheid Implementation Agency has determined that instead of maintaining a policy of political discrimination and denial of rights to …

“He’ll lead the party and the entire Left into oblivion for years to come.” Tel Aviv, September 15 – Political analysts are hailing Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s latest machinations to weaken the opposition, specifically his engineering of former Prime Minister Ehud Barak’s impending political comeback as a way to discredit and emasculate the Israeli Left over …

The corpse of Israeli democracy had hardly grown cold since the last time Bibi ordered its killing. Jerusalem, September 12 – Experts pronounced the demise of Israeli democracy this week for the 456,798,746th time, a development they directly attribute to the antidemocratic policies of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and his coalition of right-wing parties. Israeli …

“I can’t even get my staff together in one room, let alone hold a meeting with different groups.” complained a section supervisor. Jerusalem, September 7 – Employees at the government ministry handling all not-safe-for-work materials on the internet remain unable to perform their jobs at their ministry desks, as the documents and information in which …

“The Knesset should count my votes many times, since I am performing the role of multiple men.” Jerusalem, August 31 – A member of the Joint List alliance of Arab parties in the Knesset has demanded that the State show consistency in its treatment of the Arab minority, and allow him to vote multiple times …

Moses has yet to respond to the demand, which gives him a deadline of nightfall tomorrow to decide between including the passage in the Torah and maintaining the fragile coalition. Wilderness of Shur, April 25 – Ultra-Orthodox members of Moses’s governing coalition in the Knesset are threatening to leave the government if Miriam’s song after …

“If the government can plausibly claim there are no Arabs here, they have a convenient pretext to exclude Arabs from all the workings of government.” Jerusalem, August 23 – Legislators from the Joint List political alliance of Arab parties in the Knesset during the reign of King Josiah have encountered acute electoral troubles stemming primarily from …

“I can’t tell you how many of my friends have been stopped on the way to kill Jews,” said Zoabi. Jerusalem, August 18 – Legislators from the Arab-Israeli political party Balad voiced objections today to various security methods employed by the armed forces and police, among others, saying that singling out those who aim to …

“The moral step is to boycott this racist entity,” the MK argued. Montreal, August – A legislator earning a living from the coffers of the Jewish State called on other countries, individuals, and entities today not to do business or have normal relations with that state. Basel Ghattas, a lawmaker from the Joint List delegation …

The People must have their will expressed in real terms, but voters keep getting in the way. Tel Aviv, August 10 – Leading figures in Israel’s progressive political community have denounced laws prohibiting coups d’état – especially by means of weapons – and called those laws a violation of democratic principles and thwarting the will of the …

When asked why Zoabi apparently did not attempt to let herself out of the car, Tibi became incensed. “Why are you blaming the victim?” Hadassah Ein Kerem Medical Center, August 3 – Joint List MK Hannen Zoabi was listed in critical condition today after other lawmakers accidentally left her in a car that sat out …

“The independence of Israeli journalism rests on it receiving funding from the entity from which it is trying to assert its independence,” explained Gilon. Tel Aviv, August 1 – Questions surrounding the establishment of a new government-owned corporation to manage public broadcasting continued to swirl today as the left-wing party Meretz said it would establish its …

All insist they obtained exclusive rights to having an inscription in their names etched into the side of the Holy Ark. Wilderness of Sinai, July 27 – Tensions continue to simmer among the Israelites this week as several wealthy families clashed over naming rights to various portions of the Holy Tabernacle they had funded, Levitic …

“I see this drive as a metaphor for our situation and our aspirations.” Tel Aviv, July 20 – Leaders of the left-wing party Meretz launched a new membership drive today to bolster the movement’s stagnant rolls, promising to exempt from the payment of dues any new members who were alive when the party last sat …

A team of reporters and cameramen applied for access to film the rites that are performed once a year in the Holy of Holies, and were turned down. Jerusalem, July 18 – Journalist groups denounced the administration of the Holy Temple today for impinging on freedom of the press after the administration refused an application to …

Perhaps defining themselves a non-governmental organizations should by definition require that in fact they not be de facto agents of foreign governments. Tel Aviv, July 14 – Following the passage of a law mandating greater disclosure for Non-Governmental Organizations that receive more than fifty percent of their funding from foreign government entities, the directors of …

Last year’s national election here was a painful reminder that people who don’t think like a North Tel Aviv social activist can still vote. Tel Aviv, June 10 – Hatnua Party leader and ranking member of the Zionist Union faction MK Tzipi Livni offered her insights today on the outcome of the British referendum on …

“You can’t get any more minority than zero percent.” Jerusalem, July 6 – NGOs and political figures are accusing King David of a policy of racial discrimination and of barring ethnic minorities from his government, noting that of the many advisers and officials in the palace, none are Arab. A coalition of activists and grassroots …

Unless specifically overridden by Israeli legislation, pre-existing laws from prior sovereignties are still in force under the current system, noted constitutional experts. Jerusalem, June 29 – Seven years into his current tenure as prime minister, Binyamin Netanyahu is still searching through Israel’s legal code to find a provision that mandates his right to sleep with …

“Who is going to take these women seriously if they don’t take their own looks seriously?” Jerusalem, June 22 – Likud lawmaker Oren Hazan courted controversy again today when he described the female members of the Knesset Committee on the Status of Women and Gender Equality as unattractive. Hazan, who has a reputation for crudity, …

Herzog told advisers he wants to do something bold to capture public attention and support. Tel Aviv, June 20 – Frustrated by his inability to galvanize the Opposition he leads and facing challenges to his stewardship of the Labor Party and Zionist Union faction, MK Isaac Herzog is considering a move aimed at gaining the …

“An act of blatant discrimination against the population of terrorists living under Israeli rule.” Jerusalem, June 16 – Members of the Joint Arab List alliance in the Knesset condemned yesterday’s passage of a law toughening penalties for people convicted of involvement in terrorism, saying the legislation unfairly singles out terrorists for harsh treatment. The bill passed …

“This research demonstrates what certain public figures have been claiming for some time,” said lead author Shelly Yechimovich. Tel Aviv, June 9 – A new study published today in a scientific journal indicates that when right-wing politicians visit the site of a terrorist attack and make pronouncements, that involves a cynical exploitation of emotions for …

“Let’s face it, in any case, the Assyrians are a demographic time bomb.” Jerusalem, June 5 – Leaders of the self-styled Peace Camp in the Kingdom of Judah are urging King Hezekiah to surrender half of the capital city to the Assyrian army under Sennacherib, palace sources are reporting. Assyrian forces have begun to encamp …

“We need their informed take on why what’s happening in Venezuela is actually a positive thing.” Jerusalem, June 1 – Members of Maki, Israel’s Communist Party, have offered little to no comment on the current crisis in Communist Venezuela, where disastrous economic fallout has resulted from decades of ideology-driven government control of the economy that …

Herzog has also been observed trying to make a show in Netanyahu’s presence of having a healthy alliance with other MKs. Tel Aviv, May 25 – The week after an acrimonious end to negotiations between Likud and Labor over the formation of a national unity government, the head of Labor is surreptitiously and wistfully monitoring every …

He hopes to be able to invoke it if the government’s policies and legislation in the coming months do not reflect his wishes. Jerusalem, May 23 – Prospective Minister of Defense Avigdor Liberman managed to surreptitiously insert a passage into the emerging coalition agreement today that requires the government to provide a bowl of M&M …

Margalit vowed to fight the strengthened coalition by fomenting disunity and open rebellion in his own Opposition party. Jerusalem, May 19 – Politicians and commentators across the left side of the political spectrum reacted with anger today that the right-wing majority in the Knesset has come together to represent the democratic will of the people, …

“This government continually boasts how the country made the desert bloom. Anyone with such power over nature is automatically suspect in inclement weather.” Jerusalem, May 15 – Members of the Arab Joint List delegation to Knesset denounced the government of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today, saying that the timing of an oppressive heat wave to …

The most indicative response has been a shrug of the shoulders and the word ‘Fine’ or ‘Whatever.’ Jerusalem, May 10 – Ministry of Education representatives urged caution today in assessing the behavior of high school students in response to a controversial new civics textbook, saying it remained unclear whether the sulking, shrugging, eye-rolling, and monosyllabic …

“He continues to surprise us with his, shall we say, unique interpretation of what is and is not proper in this setting.” Jerusalem, May 5 – A Member of Knesset known for courting controversy has provoked critics again, this time by mocking the legislature’s Holocaust Memorial Day ceremony. MK Oren Hazan of the Likud Party …

“Not that there’s anything here that smells wrong.” Jerusalem, April 27 – The Knesset Comptroller’s Office has noticed an increase in the amount of deodorant bought by MK Tzipi Livni in the last three weeks, Knesset observers have reported. The monthly deadline for submission of receipts to be covered by the per diem allotted to …

“Buji doesn’t want to be coddled, and he repeatedly insists he can handle himself, but the Seder runs pretty late, and it was already past his bedtime.” Tel Aviv, April 24 – Two days after the Passover Seder, Isaac Herzog still harbors resentment that he wasn’t allowed to stand on a chair to ask the Four …

“Why did the administration rely on a set of numbers to determine whether or not I belong in physics, calculus, or chemistry?” Tel Aviv, April 15 – A coalition of non-governmental organizations has petitioned the Ministry of Education to remove all references to different numerical values as “greater than” or “less than” in the arithmetic …

Absent serious chances of a criminal conviction, Herzog would stick out like a sore thumb and generate more conflict than harmony. Jerusalem, April 7 – Amid rumors that Opposition leader Isaac Herzog might bring his Labor Party into Prime Minister Binyamin Netayahu’s government, the premier told Likud Party officials today that if the recently-opened corruption …

“I’m not entirely sure how long she intends to play this, but eventually it will get old and she’ll go back to undermining the state that pays her salary.” Nazareth, April 3 – April Fools Day ended at midnight as Friday became Saturday last week, but local residents are reporting that MK Haneen Zoabi of the Joint …

It could be the first opportunity for MKs to exercise the bill that passed its preliminary reading yesterday, which okays the expulsion of a lawmaker if 90 votes can be secured. Jerusalem, March 30 – Police officials announced today they had opened an investigation into the behavior of Minister of the Interior and Shas Party leader Aryeh Deri …

“This is the indisputable result of an immature, intrusive, and arrogant campaign by the prime minister to manipulate American politics.” Tel Aviv, March 24 – The editorial board at Haaretz laced into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu this morning, accusing him of irresponsible leadership and failure to prevent the ancient extermination plot against the Jews by …

“I don’t think we would feel the need to use a Diaper Genie if we were truly comfortable with the way we oppress, exploit, and paternalize the Palestinians.” Tel Aviv, March 17 – A local father performing diaper-changing duties is struggling to frame the task in the context of the ongoing national conflict with the …

A further 102% said they should merely be flayed alive, then expelled to the Gaza Strip. Tel Aviv, March 13 – A new survey of Israeli public opinion and attitudes reveals that more than 100% of Jewish citizens believe that pollsters who fail to conduct their research properly should be extrajudicially executed, researchers report. In …

“…just so ladylike, is what I mean,” gushed an admirer. Tel Aviv, March 8 – Labor Party and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog was forced to devote much of Tuesday repeatedly explaining to would-be admirers that while they were correct to mark International Women’s Day, he is not part of the group that the originators of …

Journalists are at a loss to account for the gap between the pronouncements and the reality. Tel Aviv, March 2 – A survey of personalities who proclaimed their solemn intention to depart from Israel and take up residence elsewhere in the event that incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu won reelection last March found that nearly …

“If this bill passes, then any- I mean, what if…” she trailed off. Jerusalem, February 29 – Members of Knesset expressed reservations today regarding their options in upcoming deliberations over a legislative proposal to retroactively prohibit use of the slippery-slope argument. Likud MK Nisan Slomiansky introduced the bill today making it a misdemeanor to invoke the …

“The Mavi Marmara is small potatoes in the eyes of her voters, compared to complicity in the mass murder of Jews.” Umm El Fahm, February 24 – Firebrand lawmaker Haneen Zoabi of the Balad Party revealed to confidants today that she breathed a sigh of relief upon discovering that when imprisoned Palestinian figure Marwan Barghouti …

You Neanderthal. Tel Aviv, February 20 – Non-governmental organizations that make it their business to paint Israeli security forces in the most negative light possible not only occupy a higher moral plane than you, sources reported today, but also demonstrate a more worthy form of patriotism than yours. Groups that monitor IDF interactions with Palestinians, …

No one has ever accused the Knesset of anti-Israel bias. Tel Aviv, February 15 – The leader of Israel’s hard-left Meretz Party defended the United Nations Security and Human Rights Councils today amid observations that those bodies disproportionately target Israel for condemnation, and said that the country has no right to complain about the UN’s alleged …

“No self-respecting Apartheid regime would allow the excluded class to sit on the Supreme Court.” Jerusalem, February 11 – An internal parliamentary report examining the country’s adherence to policies that exclude Arabs from positions of power, negate their rights, and relegate them to second-class status has revealed that Israel severely underperforms in the development and …

“We don’t need Likud to help us drop into political irrelevance,” declared MK Shelly Yechimovich. Jerusalem, February 7 – Israel’s Supreme Court heard testimony last week relating to several petitions against the natural gas deal approved by the government, including several third-party objections to a provision of the agreement under which electoral failures of the …

“An inability to assimilate the fact that the assumptions of the pre-Oslo, pre-Gaza-Disengagement eras have been thoroughly debunked by reality.” Tel Aviv, February 2 – Neurologists have diagnosed one of Israel’s premier left-wing parties as suffering from a rare condition in which the patient experiences the same day over and over again, local news sources …

“Choosing to die or sustain life-altering injuries in a manner that does generate sympathy is a demonstration of the lowest form of cynicism.” Jerusalem, January 28 – Leaders of Israel’s political Left warned Jewish residents of Judea and Samaria today to cease getting rocks and Molotov cocktails thrown at them by Palestinians as a way …

More than fifty percent of respondents answered that they would vote for that team over the incumbent in any future elections. Tel Aviv, January 24 – A new survey finds that in a hypothetical matchup, newly retired General Gabi Ashkenazi could defeat incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu if he teams up with the Lord to …

The unexpected relevance of turnips to a personality many expected to find more closely associated with waffles. Jerusalem, January 20 – A new survey of the Israeli electorate finds that three quarters of voters cannot tell the difference between Opposition leader Isaac Herzog and a common root vegetable, raising questions for Herzog’s party and the …

“Israel says it has so much in common with democracies in Europe; this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate such an affinity.” Jerusalem, January 13 – Leading Arab lawmakers have proposed implementing a law enforcement policy that would bring Israel’s treatment of certain crimes in line with common practice in several major European Union states, …

The country has not elected a Labor government since 1998. Jerusalem, January 11 – Physicians have confirmed that Labor Party and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog is suffering from a form of selective amnesia that only makes him forget the deadly terrorism against Israelis that occurred when his party was in power, sources close to the politician reported …

“Their failure is our failure, and it must be addressed.” Jerusalem, January 6 – Minister of Education Naftali Bennett acknowledged his office’s part in a large segment of the Israeli public not knowing the difference between banning a book and removing it from a list teachers use to choose reading assignments for their high school classes. Bennett …

Gal-On said she immediately thought of the stabbing attack at the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade earlier this year, an event that allowed the Israeli Left a near-monopoly on the apparent moral high ground. Tel Aviv, January 2 – Leaders of the Meretz Party confessed Saturday that they felt let down upon discovering that yesterday’s shooting …

He invoked the identifying badges or garments Jews were forced to wear at various times and places in history. Jerusalem, December 29 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog objected today to the current security measures in place at the parliamentary compound, by which non-dignitary visitors are issued a special sticker designating their status for security purposes, …

She stressed the importance of strengthening the moderates among them. Jerusalem, December 24 – The head of the Hatnuah Party, a member of the Opposition’s Zionist Union alliance, said this morning that the government should pursue a negotiated settlement with the extremist teens and young adults who glorify and commit violence against Palestinians, not seek to …

Kuntar would have brought a valuable perspective born of spending so many years behind bars in the company of people who generally have no real voice in Israel’s parliamentary politics. Tel Aviv, December 20 – Leaders of the Meretz Party expressed disappointment today that after his assassination in Damascus yesterday, Hezbollah operative Samir Kuntar would …

“There must have been something in the air,” recalled a waitress. Jerusalem, December 15 – An activist with an organization that claims to highlight instances of abuse by IDF soldiers that have been hushed up managed to disrupt a genuine silence today when he passed gas during a lull in conversation with donors. Peletz Nod, …

Zionist Union MK Amir Peretz suffered lacerations when his staff mishandled several cutting retorts to Trump. Jerusalem, December 9 – A dozen Members of Knesset and parliamentary aides were hurt today in the rush to denounce Donald Trump’s remarks about Muslims, as they fell over one another in an attempt to be the most forceful and …

The facility is full of insensitive reminders that Jews have established their own state instead of serving as perpetual dhimmis. Jerusalem, December 2 – Members of the Joint Arab List delegation to the Israeli parliament submitted a petition to the High Court today demanding that the Knesset be designated as a “safe space” in which no …

“I’m having a hard time digesting this one,” confessed fellow MK Oren Hazan of Likud. Jerusalem, November 30 – MK Yinon Magal resigned from the parliament today amid a sexual harassment scandal that forced the Israeli public to confront the unexpected realization that a man who seeks self-aggrandizement and attention above all might engage in such …

Other, more marginal causes have occasionally been advanced by stupid individuals, but none have gained the traction of the two competing idiotic theories. London, November 26 – People of limited intelligence and an appalling lack of critical thinking skills are divided over which evil phenomenon to which they can attribute the brutal rise of the …

Minutes of an executive committee meeting were characterized by bickering, insinuations of ethical violations, accusations of right-wing or Establishment sympathies, and threats. Tel Aviv, November 22 – A new political party aimed at bringing together concerned citizens who view treason as the primary vehicle for political expression is having trouble maintaining a loyal membership, the …

“This will lead to violence,” said Meretz MK Ilan Gilon, referring to an act that froze the bank accounts and seized documents of groups and individuals involved in fomenting violence. Jerusalem, November 17 – In advance of deliberations over the national budget the Opposition has submitted a record number of objections to the proposed spending …

Gal-On called the thinking of the non-Left “mysterious.” Tel Aviv, November 12 – Leaders of Israel’s extreme political left wing expressed puzzlement today over the rest of the society’s animosity toward them for calling the EU decision to label products from outside the Green Line a positive development. Yariv Oppenheimer of Peace Now, and Udi …

“I apologize to twelve-year-olds everywhere for my insensitivity.” Jerusalem, November 8 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s newly appointed Media Adviser walked back this morning derogatory comments he had made about US Secretary of State John Kerry, saying that, contrary to what he had previously remarked, he does not in fact believe that the secretary has …

“We have any number of non-Ashkenazi members, and as as soon as I can think of more than eight, I’ll list them for you.” Tel Aviv, November 3 – Labor Party leaders gathered yesterday to debate the future of the organization and its moves in the immediate term, including the pursuit of an effort to …

If the cabinet approves the agreement, it will be brought to the Knesset, and then, under a law passed during the previous government’s tenure, to a national referendum. Jerusalem, October 29 – The political fragmentation of Palestinian society has led the Israeli government to pursue separate peace agreements with different Palestinian entities, leading to a …

“I hope it happens soon, or someone will get killed.” Tel Aviv, October 25 – Meretz Party leader Zehava Gal-On again warned of incitement against left-wing political figures as the twentieth anniversary of Prime Miinister Yitzhak Rabin’s assassination approaches, and said she intends to be murdered if that is what proves necessary to drive home …

None of the other countries in the region have laws prohibiting calling for harm to Jews. Jerusalem, October 19 – The current spate of violence has prompted the government to impose certain limits on basic freedoms and rights, including freedom of speech, but Opposition lawmakers claim now is the time to expand, not restrict, those freedoms, …

“People who harm the defenseless, whether it is Palestinian children or Californian pines that leave behind a lone remnant, must face consequences.” Jerusalem, October 15 – An Arab lawmaker in Israel’s parliament said she has reviewed the video evidence of Marty McFly’s trip to 1955 in a DeLorean, and concluded that the teenager’s use of …

There may be hundreds of thousands of Israelis with the condition, which disproportionately affects those of Ashkenazi ancestry. Meretz Party Chairwoman Zehava Gal-On was informed by neurologists today that she suffers from an inability to process events that occurred prior to June 1967, a party representative said today (Sunday). Meretz spokesman Akki Bush told reporters that …

Despite some of world’s best non-Caspian caviar being produced in Israel at Kibbutz Dan, only the wealthy can afford to purchase any, and even they do so only in tiny quantities at a time. Tel Aviv, October 1 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog again leveled criticism at Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s performance today, accusing him …

“What’s going to be made illegal next – declaring solidarity with a terrorist organization?” asked MK Basel Ghattas. Jerusalem, September 20 – Members of the Joint Arab List delegation in the Knesset voiced their objections to various security measures in place at the compound, calling the ban on explosives and incendiary weapons suppression of their …

Zandberg said she had not once spied a bartender in traditional Muslim garb, and concluded that discrimination must be the root cause of that absence. Jerusalem, September 9 – New legislation brought by the left-wing Meretz Party would outlaw what it calls manifestations of discrimination on the basis of religious belief, making it a crime …

“In fact the term ‘Knesset’ is merely a corruption of an indigenous Arabic name for the region, Knish.” Jerusalem, September 7 – Joint Arab List Member of Knesset Jamal Zahalka laced into lawmakers from the Labor Party this afternoon, saying that they had massacred Arab legislators and stolen their seats in the Knesset. Zahalka directed …

“For too long, the reins have been held by a small group of people representing the majority of voting Israelis.” Jerusalem, September 2 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into the government’s proposed budget today, saving his most vociferous criticism for the budget’s complete lack of programs to make him an appealing candidate for prime minister. …

“Mahmoud Abbas might be Meretz’s ideal candidate, embodying everything they’ve ever campaigned for, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like their jobs. If something happens, expect a fight.” Ramallah, August 29 – Sources close to Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas say his resignation from the position of PLO Executive Chairman is calculated not, as generally assumed, to …

“It makes sense to harness the enduring appeal of MySpace for that purpose.” Savyon, Israel, August 24 – Just a day after the release of recordings supposedly revealing the last-minute abortion of three strikes on Iran while he served as Minister of Defense, discredited former Prime Minister Ehud Barak licked his lips, rubbed his palms …

Corbyn will need more than slogans, and more than simple association with the lowest dregs of British humanity. Tel Aviv, August 20 – A growing dissatisfaction with the tepid stewarship of party chairman Isaac Herzog has the rank-and-file of Israel’s Labor Party looking for a more robust leader, and are looking to British Labor politician Jeremy Corbyn …

The political left, the study notes, holds a monopoly on proper ideology, policy, and advocacy. Jerusalem, August 16 – A study of Israeli political trends has revealed that political figures who unequivocally support right-wing causes and ideologies become, by some unexplained and unique mechanism, incapable of adequately performing the duties of a diplomat. The study, …

“Bibi and his cronies have done precious little to bring the number of men anywhere near the number of women in this popular field.” Tel Aviv, August 10 – A group of Opposition lawmakers from Labor held a conference today at which they denounced the disproportionate number of women exploited by the human trafficking industry, …

Not even the ascension of the right wing under Menachem Begin in 1977 could get the Ministry of Apartheid to perform properly. Jerusalem, August 6 – The government body in charge of developing and implementing ways to disenfranchise and institutionalize discrimination against Israel’s Arab population is being dismantled under the state’s 2015-2016 budget after oversight revealed …

“Our goal is to bring the spirit of acceptance and sensitivity to places where it seldom gets the chance to shine.” Jerusalem, August 2 – On the heels of nationwide protests against hate and violence, the organizers of those rallies have embarked on a new endeavor to foster greater tolerance, and have scheduled a rally …

D-10 units might be considered for the position, as well, but only qualified candidates would merit serious attention. Jerusalem, July 29 – Leaders of the nationalist Jewish Home Party want an armored bulldozer on the committee that appoints judges to the High Court of Justice, the party’s chairman told reporters today. Minister of Education Naftali …

It would be imposing Western morality on Palestinians to insist they adhere to such notions as not killing people whose views they oppose. Tel Aviv, July 23 – Representatives of the dovish Meretz Party informed their colleagues in the Opposition today that they would not endorse any legislation that in any way supports the notion …

The minister dismissed the accusations and said Zoabi was trying to generate attention, play victim, and exacerbate ethnic tensions, which he called dangerously irresponsible. Jerusalem, July 19 – Minister of Absorption and Jerusalem Affairs Ze’ev Elkin of Likud faces accusations for the third time of placing a thumbtack point-up on the plenum seat of Joint …

The Left’s defeats have left Labor and its allies feeling that Netanyahu must be able to bend reality to his will. Jerusalem, July 14 – Israeli Opposition lawmakers expressed dismay that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu had failed to prevent the international agreement with Iran to remove economic sanctions, saying that Netanyahu, who is obviously all-powerful, could …

“Arabs MKs from other parties will not be separated from the rest of us. The accusation of racism is baseless,” he insisted. Jerusalem, July 9 – Yisrael Beiteinu Party leader Avigdor Lieberman submitted proposed legislation today to mandate an addition of the existing West Bank security barrier to separate the 13 members of the Arab Joint …

The study also found that MK Basel Ghattas had a sick tan for someone who is supposed to be a legislator in the Knesset, a mostly indoor facility. Umm El-Fahm, July 1 – A team of researchers at Tel Aviv University say they have proven that at least theoretically, it is possible for elected representatives …

Whether non-same-sex marriage should actually be criminalized remains a subject of contention among Meretz members. Tel Aviv, June 28 – Leading political figures on the Israeli Left find themselves in disagreement over the proper domestic strategy to pursue in the aftermath of the US Supreme Court’s ruling that bans on same-sex marriage violate the Constitution. The …

“I just couldn’t stay in there,” said a blushing Zehava Gal-On of Meretz. Jerusalem, June 21 – None of Israel’s other 119 parliamentarians want to be the one to inform Knesset Speaker Yuli Edelstein that the zipper of his trousers remains open, sources within the legislature reported this morning. Speaker Edelstein arrived at the lectern …

The theft involves athletic shoes, boots, dress shoes, slippers, sandals, clogs, and those creepy shoes with individual toes. Jerusalem, June 13 – Building on the success of recent operations against anti-Israel agitators, the Israeli legislature’s Intelligence Committee held an emergency session to approve further funding for agents to steal more shoes from such activists. The Mossad, …

“I, for one, will be withholding my customary reflexive criticism of the prime minister until these crises have abated, and will instead work on openly fomenting dissent and mutiny.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – As Israel faces renewed missile attacks in the south and a resurgence of boycott initiatives abroad, Opposition leader Isaac Herzog told …

“How can we retain the already-scarce goodwill of the international community if we go defending ourselves at every opportunity?” Tel Aviv, May 27 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu late Tuesday, saying the premier’s muted response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip was not nearly as lackluster as the …

Observers note that several MKs do seem to have a glaring need for help in certain areas. Jerusalem, May 20 – The wife of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu took steps to shore up her public image today, announcing that fifty percent of the proceeds from her redemption of used beverage bottles would be allocated to …

“Ms. Livni has proved a master at sensing disaster far in advance of our own capabilities, so naturally we invited her on board as a consultant.” Ashdod, May 12 – Seeking advice more expert than their own knowledge and experience, the rats aboard the container ship ZIM Hamburg have engaged MK Tzipi Livni as a …

The bill, cosponsored by Meretz MK Ilan Gilon, was sparked by initial reports of the deadly earthquake in Nepal in late April. Jerusalem, May 5 – The twentieth Knesset opened yesterday with a legislative proposal that, if passed, would mandate at least one Israeli death in every natural disaster worldwide. MK Ahmad Tibi of the …

Such discourse has sparked confusion among Palestinians, whose only experience of a unity government to date involves gunfire, bombs, arrests, and trumped-up charges. Ramallah, April 29 – Israeli politics continues to surprise Palestinian observers, researchers say, specifically the unfamiliar practice Israeli unity governments follow of not having its component factions oppose each other with protracted, deadly …

She has consistently expressed support for Palestinian ambitions to remove Jewish sovereignty from the land. Umm El Fahm, April 22 – Investigators are examining reports that MK Hanin Zoabi, a firebrand member of the United Arab List delegation, is actually working for a right-wing party, making headlines with her anti-Zionist rhetoric as a ploy to …

Everyone knows that Labor and Meretz voters have the most personal integrity, and when they said they’re going to leave if Bibi is reelected, that means they intend to follow through. Jerusalem, April 15 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s incoming government intends to alleviate the pressing shortage of housing in the coming months by making …

Few, if any, political figures are suited to the post of Minister of the Inferior as well as Herzog. Jerusalem, April 7 – Prime Minister-elect Binyamin Netanyahu raised the stakes in ongoing coalition negotiations today by dangling the post of Minister of the Inferior before Opposition leader Isaac Herzog. Most observers and political insiders believe Netanyahu’s actual …

Former cabinet minister Tzachi Hanegbi noted the existence of an actual Wikipedia entry on Israeli politicians convicted of various crimes. Jerusalem, March 31 – Leading political figures reacted to former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert’s conviction on corruption charges yesterday with concern that such a high-profile case of misconduct will tarnish the field’s reputation. The Jerusalem District …

Evidently no one ever told them that democracy only works when you vote as the educated class sees fit. Tel Aviv, March 24 – The stunning electoral loss last week has ideologues and pragmatists on Israel’s political left wondering whether their predecessors made a mistake in allowing suffrage to Jews of non-European ancestry. Mizrahim, as …

The first congratulatory phone call to the head of the Joint List, Ayman Odeh, came from US President Barack Obama. Jerusalem, March 17 – Israel underwent an electoral upheaval today as a political party representing the Arab ethnic minority swept into power, soundly defeating the longtime powerhouses Labor and Likud. The Joint List, a consortium of …

“It’s as if he can’t see the most obvious flaws in his world view.” Jerusalem, March 15 – Salim Joubran, a celebrated member of Israel’s judiciary who happens to be of Arab descent, remains completely unaware that Israel practices Apartheid against Arabs, excluding them from government positions and denying them democratic rights, human rights groups …

“I have always had the State’s interests at the forefront of my mind, and it is mere coincidence that those dynamic, fluid interests always happen to dovetail completely with my career aspirations.” Tel Aviv, March 9 – Aspiring prime minister Tzipi Livni responded to critics today, defending her political record and reputation by vowing not …

“There’s nothing more ‘status quo’ than uncivil marriage,” acknowledges MK Tzipi Livni. Jerusalem, March 3 – Political, cultural, and religious forces continue to vie for supremacy in resolving the question of whether Israel will recognize civil marriage, but even the warring factions on that front agree that uncivil marriage does not represent an unacceptable departure …

Such a medium dovetails with the entire society’s primary means of expression and communication. Jerusalem, February 24 – Israeli candidates for prime minister have not held a debate since the 1998 elections, but incumbent Binyamin Netanyahu and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog announced today they would hold the first in a series of encounters in which …

“Political donors want to use us for their own purposes and have refused to fully get behind our movement.” Tel Aviv, February 18 – A once-hopeful new player on Israel’s electoral scene has had trouble convincing the electorate of its sincerity, activists lamented today. The Fig Leaf Party, established hastily after early elections were announced several …

“It’s a documented feature of the Israeli economy that you can see right from the day Netanyahu took office.” Tel Aviv, February 4 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu on the economic front today, citing Netanyahu’s failure to bring the incomes of the bottom half of Israeli households …

Jerusalem, January 27 – The sudden collapse of Facebook and Instagram this morning inconvenienced more than a billion people, but perhaps none more so than the Israeli cabinet, who were now forced to pay attention during their weekly meeting. Long accustomed to whiling away the time staring at their mobile devices as a colleague drones …

“I think it speaks to the level of control the Zionist-controlled media has over the rest of the so called independent media.” London, January 24 – Mira Bar-Hillel, a British-Israeli Journalist working for the Evening Standard, helped break a story about Ultra-Orthodox Jews deleting Obama from the march in Paris two weeks ago. While President …

‘An eternal two-digit number of minutes’ Tel Aviv, January 21 – Opposition leader and current electoral front-runner Isaac Herzog showed an unprecedented level of restraint in Israeli politics this morning by refraining from using today’s stabbing attack in Tel Aviv to score political points for a full twenty minutes. The attack took place at about …

Jerusalem, January 17 – The confluence of poor polling results and a swath of recently-emerged corruption allegations has prompted several prominent figures in the hard-line Yisrael Beiteinu party to embrace Islam rather than participate in upcoming elections with the party. Six of the outgoing Members of Knesset from Yisrael Beiteinu traveled to Turkey last week …

Atlanta, January 10 – In the interest of journalistic balance, the international news giant Cable News Network announced today it would pay $10,000 to individuals who submitted stories, or leads that produced stories, that cast Islamists in a positive light. The offer is intended to counteract the impression that viewers might otherwise form of violent …

Tel Aviv, January 3 – Israel responded today to the abortive Palestinian statehood bid at the Security Council by announcing it would cease its transfer of tax revenues it collects for the Palestinian Authority, prompting the political party Meretz to declare it would voluntarily reimburse the Palestinians for the nearly half-billion shekel sum currently outstanding. …

Ramat Aviv, December 28 – Israelis who obviously know better than you what is good for the country have already declared their dissatisfaction with the outcome of elections this coming March. A diverse group of elitists from across the narrowest sliver of the Israeli political spectrum gathered yesterday to mark what is clearly the death …

Jerusalem, December 22 – The diplomatic rift between Israel and many other countries over the moribund peace process with the Palestinians widened today when Israel announced that all countries maintaining their embassies outside Israel’s official capital of Jerusalem would be required to move their facilities to the peripheral coastal city of Ashkelon. Many countries see …

Gaza City, December 15 – A scathing analysis of the material imparted to Palestinian students at UN-administered schools has generated international pressure to cut from the curriculum incitement against Israel and Jews, leading the organization running the schools to promise to limit its engagement in such incitement to only four fifths of classroom and extracurricular time. …

Haifa, December 9 – Dahlia Moshe wasn’t old enough to vote in the most recent municipal elections, but the upcoming Israeli national elections in March have her eager for the opportunity to participate in the democratic process, since she has yet to realize how futile an exercise it actually is. Ms. Moshe has yet to decide which …

Corruption at the top has long been a tradition in Israeli politics. Jerusalem, December 2 – Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu responded harshly today to accusations he had developed a conscience or morals, following remarks by fellow politicians insinuating that he does not operate exclusively according to personal interest. As talks to preserve the governing …

Jerusalem, November 26 – Two of the most powerful forces in government – stupidity and inanity – continue to compete with each other for supremacy in bringing about the collapse of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s coalition, Knesset sources reported today. Stupidity in the form of shortsightedness and willful ignorance has been vying with a misguided devotion …

Jerusalem, November 18 – Lawmakers from the dovish Meretz party reacted to this morning’s massacre of Jewish worshipers in Jerusalem by urging the government to promote public safety by banning Jewish prayer everywhere, as it evidently constitutes a dangerous provocation for Palestinians to erupt in deadly attacks on random Jews. Four people were killed and …

Jerusalem, November 12 – A bill originating with the Knesset Humor Committee to take the electorate’s wishes into consideration while legislating passed its initial vote Tuesday to raucous laughter. The Make Obligatory the Consideration by Knesset Electees of Represented Yearnings (MOCKERY) Act would make it an enforceable legal requirement of legislators to put the stated …

Tel Aviv, November 5 – Leading proponents of Israeli democracy are beginning to have second thoughts about the inclusion of democracy in their matrix of core ideological values, a new paper from a left-wing think-tank argued this week. In an analysis published in its quarterly journal, the organization Social Theorists And Leaders In Navelgazing (STALIN) …

Jerusalem, October 27 – The Knesset Women’s Issues Committee took up the challenge of sexual harassment today, approving a measure that would penalize male parliamentarians for neglecting to comment on a woman’s appearance while the body is in session, or otherwise engaging in suggestive or lewd behavior toward female colleagues, visitors, aides, or journalists. It …

Chief Palestinian Negotiator Saeb Erekat called a press conference today to announce that the Palestinian unity government had raised $5.4 Billion worth of Berlin Milkies. “The resale profit from Milkies sold here in the Zionist Entity should enable every PA minister to buy a third home in the French Riviera as well as redo their …

Kibbutz Nahal Oz, Israel, October 14 – The United Nations Secretary General today visited southern Israeli communities battered this summer by Hamas rocket and mortar fire, and climbed into one of the tunnels used by the terrorist organization to infiltrate into Israel and attempt to kidnap soldiers or civilians, expressing his shock at the narrowness …

Tel Aviv, October 7 – Opposition leaders are warning that given the advanced age of Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, there may be precious little time remaining for Israel to make self-destructive concessions to him before he dies or steps down. The heads of opposition parties in the Knesset called on Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu to …

Woodmere, NY, October 1 – The Jewish communities of Long Island’s Five Towns area are in an uproar over a local synagogue’s initiative to link individual member families with specific inmates in Israel’s prison system incarcerated for engaging in terrorist activities, an initiative under which the families would send gift packages and letters to the …

Jerusalem, September 23 – An audit by the State Comptroller has revealed that the Ministry of the Interior has apparently been misunderstanding its mission, and has restricted itself to managing home and office decor when its actual mandate involves local government, citizenship and residency, issuing identity cards, and the various types of entry visas. Minister of the Interior Gidon Sa’ar has …

Jerusalem, September 17 – Amid tensions in the governing coalition over the fate of a law meant to eliminate the Value Added Tax on certain purchases of a home, the government and Knesset lawmakers showed no such hesitation in instituting an exemption from income tax of the salaries of members of Knesset. The Government Remuneration …

Jerusalem, September 12 – Member of Knesset Ahmad Tibi submitted a legislative proposal today that calls for Israel to switch the name of its capital city to its parallel Arabic appellation, stating that use of the Hebrew constitutes prejudice against the Arab minority in the country. Bill 1947C, the Name Jerusalem ‘Al-Quds’ in All Official …

Jerusalem, September 3 – Police investigators have announced their intention to formally recommend indicting every single Israeli citizen for various crimes including corruption and breach of trust, in order to simplify the inevitable. Commissioner Yohanan Danino called a press conference this morning to advise the public of the impending move, and stressed that the public …

New York, August 29 – Leading news organizations are considering ignoring the occurrence of international leaders calling on the parties to a conflict to avoid escalating it, industry analysts say, as those pronouncements are simply not newsworthy. In the wake of numerous violent incidents in the Middle East recently, leaders such as UN Secretary-General Ban …

Jerusalem, August 20 – Israeli and foreign correspondents reported this morning (Wednesday) that a man in business attire is apparently standing behind a microphone and talking about the situation in and around the Gaza Strip. The man, according to initial reports, is middle-aged and wearing a dark suit, and evidently is expressing his thoughts with …

Tel Aviv, August 15 – In its latest report on what it calls Israeli intransigence, Peace Now calls attention to the Jewish State’s declared intent of maintaining itself despite opposition from hundreds of millions of opponents. Peace Now called the news “disappointing” and “yet another example of the Netanyahu administration’s willful political and demographic blindness.” …

Menlo Park, CA, August 11 – Social media giant Facebook decided to accept at face value a report that a satirical website’s pro-Israel humor was worth censoring, while allowing dozens, if not hundreds, of hate-spewing pages to continue spilling their anti-Israel and antisemitic vitriol. PreOccupied Territory administrators attempted to access the Facebook page today only …

Jerusalem, August 9 – Member of Knesset Hanin Zoabi is scheduled to face a Knesset panel that will determine her future in the legislative body after she was recorded making comments that could be construed as incitement for Palestinian terrorism against Israeli civilians, and her fellow MKs are vying for the privilege of meting out …

Jerusalem, August 3 – Knesset Opposition Leader Isaac Herzog said in an address this morning that if he were in office instead of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, he would be more adept at bungling the current war. Herzog addressed a breakfast of Labor and allied Knesset leaders, most of whom are trying to walk the …

Jerusalem, July 27 – An Israeli political career came to an ignominious end today when the Minister for Genocidal Affairs announced his resignation, following a scathing governmental report on the failure of the ministry to implement any sort of genocide at all, despite having decades in which to perform it. An audit by the State …

Tel Aviv, July 22 – Left-wing activists and politicians in favor of further land concessions to the Palestinians are adducing the recent rocket fire from Gaza, which Israel left in 2005, as evidence that Israel should make more such concessions. More than 1,600 rockets have been fired this month alone from the Gaza Strip, from …

Washington, DC, July 19 – Conservative thinkers across the US expressed bewilderment this week upon realizing that the nation’s premier gun-rights advocacy group is missing a golden opportunity to argue for freer access to firearms by invoking the situation in the Middle East, where weapons flow everywhere nearly unrestricted and as a result, the citizens …

Jerusalem, July 13 – Legislators in Israel’s parliament voiced concern this morning that the continuing offensive against terrorist fighters and armaments in the Gaza Strip may deprive the government of funds it needs to pay government officials who excuse or enable terrorism. The Knesset Budget Office released a report late last week analyzing the projected …

Ashdod, July 8 – Workers and managers at this southern port city have had to take shelter repeatedly from incoming rockets launched from the Gaza Strip, disrupting work and severely limiting the amount of corruption that can be accomplished during the course of a regular day’s work. Cronyism, nepotism, bribery, kickbacks, and extortion have plagued …

Jerusalem, July 5 – A review of political demonstrations in Israel and the areas under its control over the last two decades has concluded that hurling geological objects toward moving motor vehicles on nearby thoroughfares does not correlate with implementation of the demonstrators’ stated aims. The study looked at both Israeli and Palestinian rock-throwers, and …

Tel Aviv, June 30 – Opposition leaders leveled criticism at the Netanyahu government today over the heat wave currently hitting the country, with stagnant air and daytime temperatures that have not fallen below 32º C (90ºF) and in some parts of the country have hit 44ºC (101ºF) with oppressive humidity. The leaders called the timing …

Tel Aviv, June 24 – Scientists at Tel Aviv University are reporting that the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel, already wrong on so many levels, has somehow increased the number of planes on which its activities and attitudes violate the principles of morality, honesty, and humanity. Ostensibly a movement aimed at pressuring Israel to …

New York, June 16 – To ensure the proper response to the kidnapping by Palestinians of three Israeli teenagers last week, Human Rights Watch has hired a team of crickets, which will chirp at regular intervals to highlight the lack of condemnation emanating from the organization. HRW is among the quickest to denounce alleged Israeli …

Gaza City, Gaza Strip, June 15 – The owner of a confectionery in this Palestinian coastal city is unsure whether he should be distributing fudge to express joy over the three Israeli teenagers taken hostage by Hamas, or whether the choice of sweet might be inappropriate. Hassan Kawasmeh, 44, wanted to join in the widespread …

Jerusalem, June 8 – As corruption and criminal allegations mount against the various candidates for Israel’s presidency, the five remaining ones and their supporters are saying they will rescue and restore the dignity befitting the office of president just as hard as they are working to save the long-extinct dodo bird of Mauritius. Three of …

Ramallah, June 2 – Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas introduced the new unity government with Hamas today at a ceremony where the Hamas and Fatah ministers swore to fulfill their duties, while Israel just plain swore. A festive atmosphere pervaded the government compound, where leaders from the rival factions put on a show for the …

Jerusalem, May 27 – Turkey asked Interpol yesterday to issue a Red Notice for a number of former top Israeli military commanders in connection with the deaths of ten protesters in a 2010 raid on a Turkish flotilla to Gaza, but Israeli analysts expect the group to end up imprisoned in Israel on various corruption-related …

Tel Aviv, May 23 – A day after police detained several teenagers for slashing tires and spraying hateful graffiti in a Galilee town last month, the editorial board at Haaretz spared no punches in detailing how they expected the State to treat the vandals: an editorial statement in today’s edition calls for the three sixteen- …

Jerusalem, May 18 – Parties on the left portion of Israel’s social spectrum are denouncing the Finance Ministry’s recent proposal to exempt from sales tax the first home purchase by anyone who has served in the army or civilian National Service, calling the idea inherently racist. The vast majority of Israel’s Arab population does not …

Berkeley, California, May 14 – Advocates of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel expressed frustration today that their lobbying efforts targeting major cultural figures have yet to elicit a commitment from the world’s most famous composer not to appear in Israel. BDS activists have been focusing on high-profile figures in academia, the arts, film, …

Jerusalem, May 10 – Lawmakers opposed to Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s latest legislation proposal are challenging the notion that a Jewish country, born of millennia of Jewish longing for a homeland, and embodying the dreams and prophecies of countless Jews throughout history, should be considered Jewish. Netanyahu’s government has submitted a bill that would expressly …

Jerusalem, May 2 – At the behest of the Knesset Committee on Ceremonies and Symbols, this year’s official Yom Haatzmaut ceremonies will feature fourteen prominent women who have made important contributions to Israeli society and culture, a decision that has Israel’s Peeping Toms and other sexual predators pleased that the State is making their lives …

Jerusalem, April 26 – The party that functioned for many years as a kingmaker in Israel’s governing coalitions has fallen on hard electoral times, and is considering bringing its charismatic leader back from the dead to help similarly resurrect its hopes for greater representation in the next Knesset. Shas, which represents Jews of Middle Eastern …

Ramallah, April 19 – After a delegation of left-wing Israeli lawmakers insisted that Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas had expressed his disgust at the Monday night shooting near Hebron that left an Israeli father dead, dozens of the leader’s representatives and aides rushed headlong to deny he said any such thing, with more than a dozen …

1. Myth: Other countries’ support for Arab positions vis-à-vis Israel results from their dependence on Arab states’ considerable reserves of dead-dinosaur-derived petroleum. Fact: Dinosaurs account for little, if any, of the oil deposits in the world. Petroleum comes primarily from the pressurized remains of fossilized zooplankton and algae. 2. Myth: The land of Palestine …

Jerusalem, April 4 – Law enforcement agencies in Israel’s capital are warning that the high rate at which local women are subject to verbal or physical unpleasantness on the basis of their sex cannot be maintained, and that the desired number of such incidents per month will not be met over the course of the …

Tel Aviv, March 28 – Israeli organizations opposed to Israel’s settlements and policies toward the Palestinians expressed puzzlement today after the United Nations Security Council and General Assembly condemned North Korea and Russia, respectively, without singling out Israel for opprobrium. The organizations said they remain at a loss to explain why anyone would want to …

Jerusalem, March 23 – Half a dozen Israeli lawmakers were taken for medical treatment today after they engaged in political posturing that their bodies could not handle. Four of the six were reacting to the trial verdict of MK Muhammad Barakeh, who was convicted in the 2006 assault of a bystander but acquitted of other, …

Geneva – The United nations Security Council issued a condemnation of the Jewish people today, following Mordechai’s refusal to prostrate himself before Haman, another of the King Ahashverosh’s ministers. The resolution called the refusal “a deplorable act of intolerance,” and called on the Jews to withdraw at once from living in the Persian empire. Resolution …

Amman, Jordan, March 12 – Following the shooting by IDF soldiers of a Jordanian man at a border crossing, Jordanian officials and protesters have expressed rage at the notion that Israeli soldiers take actual measures to defend themselves as necessary. A Palestinian-Jordanian judge was at the King Hussein/Allenby Bridge crossing when, according according to eyewitnesses, …

London – Palestinian historians examining the administration of the Holy Land during the British and Ottoman periods have discovered that the rulers of that land remained completely oblivious to the fact that they were not really the ones in charge. In reality, say the researchers, the Palestinian people were in control of their homeland, which …

Washington, DC, March 3 – As part of his preparations for his scheduled talks with Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, President Barack Obama has tried on several fake Hitler-style mustaches in case the Israeli premier’s finger again casts an unfortunate shadow, as it did when Netanyahu was photographed with German Chancellor Angela Merkel last week. …

Munich, Germany, February 6 – The chief Palestinian negotiator in talks with Israel has asked the world to “punish” the Jewish state for its racism, as he pursues the formation of a state next door in which Jews will not be allowed to remain. Saeb Erekat laid into his Israeli counterpart Tzipi Livni, characterizing the …

Jerusalem, January 26 – Israeli lawmakers approved obnoxiously proposed legislation on Sunday allocating money for a variety of inappropriate activities. The Inappropriations Law determines which of the rude items in the annual budget will receive funding, from how-to classes on sexual harassment for Knesset members and their aides, to a gallery of obscene artwork lining …

Jerusalem, January 20 – In a nod to advancing technology and and a proliferation of private banking activity, the Bank of Israel will assist emerging lenders by providing a welcoming online environment on their website to any Israeli individual or institution who seeks to fleece others by lending at high interest. The service, called Net …

Jerusalem (AP) – Upon hearing the news that an eighty-five-year-old man’s heart had stopped beating yesterday, Palestinians and right-wing Israelis burst forth in joy, welcoming the end of life for a person who had been in a vegetative state since a debilitating stroke eight years ago. In an unprecedented instance of unity, the two groups …

Washington, DC (AP) The American Studies Association released the results of its membership vote Monday, in which the 5,000 educators adopted a resolution calling for an academic boycott of Israeli institutions and of the planet Jupiter. By a two-thirds margin, the Association approved the largely symbolic measure as a rebuke to Israel over its policies …

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – Israel announced final approval for the construction of 1,500 residential units in a neighborhood of Jerusalem that it captured in the 1967 war, causing the end of the world yet again. The occurrence marks the latest in a series of hundreds of construction projects that have brought about the complete and …