Showing 601–622 of 622 articles · Page 11 of 11
Obama Advisers Warn Of Paint Shortage For More Red Lines Washington, March 8 – Officials in President Barack Obama’s cabinet advised him today that the administration’s inventory of red paint is nearly exhausted, having used it repeatedly and ineffectively with Syria, Iran, and Russia. More red lines, they warned, might demand more red paint than this presidency has at its disposal. In a communique between …
Academic Left Silent On Russian Imperialism; ‘It’s Not Israel’ London, March 6 – European and American academics are explaining their inaction on the Russian show of force in Ukraine by noting that the aggressor in this case cannot be construed as Israel, and therefore no opposition need be registered. In an address to a conference of the Harvard-Yale-Princeton-Oxford- Columbia-Radcliffe-International Team of Educators (HYPOCRITE), Professor …
Sanitation Truck Kills Crown Heights Jew; Community Doesn’t Violently Riot For Some Reason Crown Heights, Brooklyn, February 24 – New York City officials are puzzling over the Crown Heights Jewish community’s non-violent reaction to the killing of one of its members by a Department of Sanitation trash collection truck yesterday morning. A 25-year-old Rabbinical student was crossing Carroll Street when the truck turned right from Kingston Avenue and …
Mel Gibson Overdue For Next Antisemitic Rant Hollywood, CA, February 20 – Motion picture industry experts and prejudice-monitoring groups are expressing concern over the recent absence of Mel-Gibson-related controversies, saying that the time of his next anticipated outburst bad-mouthing Jews passed some time ago. They say the tension increases unhealthily which each passing week that the Australian-American actor is not recorded saying …
In Case of Involvement in Syria, France to Preemptively Surrender Paris (Reuters) – President François Hollande of France announced today that in anticipation of his country’s military involvement in the ongoing civil war in Syria, France signals its preemptive surrender as of now. The capitulation represents the latest in a long French tradition of surrendering in major armed conflicts, a trend that began in 1815. …
I’m Committing Crimes Against My Citizens, But I’m Not Israeli, So Who Cares? By Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un As I hardly need tell you, North Korea is not Israel. We’re not Jewish, so it takes a lot more for us to get your attention. It would be different if we were Israel. People actually seem to care what happens when Jews defy international opinion, but it takes …
Danish Ambassador Claims Event 70 Years Ago Means Antisemitism Not Possible There Ever Copenhagen, February 17 – As the Danish ban on Jewish ritual slaughter of animals went into effect, Denmark’s Ambassador to Israel dismissed the notion that such a law reflected any antisemitic sentiment, since the rescue of Denmark’s Jews from the Nazis in 1943 means that nothing the Danish government does in 2014 could ever be …
Honest BDS Activist Lives Off Grid, Forages, Avoids Medicine Somewhere near Beach Lake, Pennsylvania, February 15 – Oscar Thorpe is a rare specimen indeed: a political activist who completely practices what he preaches. In his case, his adherence to the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement against Israel has led him to renounce all computer and telecommunications technology and advanced medical care. Unlike the leaders …
Jesus At Second Coming: ‘What Are All These Goyim Doing Here?’ Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – Jesus of Nazareth, proclaimed the King Messiah by his followers and a spiritual guide to nearly two billion people, after returning as promised, expressed dismay this week at the nearly absolute non-Jewishness of those who venerate him. “You…you’re all goyim,” he said, using the Hebrew word for “the nations,” referring to …
Security Council Demands Israel Stop Being So Goddamn Moral New York, February 2 – The United Nations Security Council endorsed a statement this morning calling on Israel to stop providing medical treatment to wounded Syrians, saying that the practice conflicts with the negative portrayal of Israel the body wishes to cultivate. Statement 3223 specifically denounces the treatment in Israeli hospitals of hundreds of Syrian …
Chabad House of Mecca To Close Mecca, Saudi Arabia, January 31 – The joke remains relevant, but poignantly less so now: you might find Coca-Cola in the holy city of Mecca, but you will no longer find a Chabad shaliach. After three years of keeping the local Chabad house operational, Mordechai and Esther Saperstein are closing up. Despite tireless efforts to …
UN Insecurity Council Denounces Self New York, NY (AP) – Meeting behind closed doors because of what others might think of them, the United Nations Insecurity Council took up the matter of the violence in and around the West Bank and Gaza Strip, and wound up denouncing itself. “Who are we to judge the complex situation as if we have …
Jewish Communities Discovered Outside New York New York, January 24 (Duh) – Jewish leaders are reeling in the wake of the discovery that there are functioning Jewish communities beyond the New York area. It has long been accepted that individual or small groups of Jews might travel or set up temporary outposts beyond the confines of the Tri-State area, for business …
Study: Not All Jew-Haters Want Jews Shot Some want them gassed, burned, drowned, crushed, buried, dissolved, beheaded or impaled Phoenix, AZ (Reuters) – A Ku Klux Klan poll has found unexpectedly diverse attitudes among Jew-haters. Where researchers expected to encounter broad agreement with the sentiment that Jews should be shot, instead they discovered vehement insistence on a variety of other killing methods. …
New York (AP) – The world was treated for a pulled jaw muscle today after yawning at the car bombing in a Beirut suburb yesterday. Doctors at New York’s Bellevue Hospital reported that that patient was admitted to the ER, treated, and released. A powerful explosion caused extensive damage and killed five passers by on …
New York (AP) – A rapid deterioration of former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s condition has journalists scrambling to update their files in case the publication of an obituary becomes necessary in the coming hours or days. Sharon, 85, suffered a stroke eight years ago that resulted in his current comatose state. The former general’s …
Austrians Running Out Of Ways To Fake Contrition Over Nazi Past As the last remaining Nazi war criminals die off after living in the country unmolested for nearly seven decades, Austria will lose one of the few remaining vehicles though which to feign horror. Vienna – When the Vienna Philharmonic posthumously stripped several Nazis of honors it had conferred upon them in the 1940’s, members of the …
Washington, DC (AP) – President Obama has instructed the State Department to end its four-year-old attempt to convince Israelis to resolve the ongoing conflict with the Palestinians and other Arab nations by voluntarily drowning themselves in the Mediterranean Sea. The decision was greeted with disappointment by representatives of Turkey, Egypt, Jordan, and the Palestinian Authority. …
Washington, DC (AP) The American Studies Association released the results of its membership vote Monday, in which the 5,000 educators adopted a resolution calling for an academic boycott of Israeli institutions and of the planet Jupiter. By a two-thirds margin, the Association approved the largely symbolic measure as a rebuke to Israel over its policies …
Paris, France (Reuters) – A government-commissioned analysis of the late Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat’s remains has concluded that he did not die of poisoning, as some Palestinians had charged, but by natural causes. Arafat died in 2004 and no autopsy was conducted at the time. The report also noted that Francisco Franco, who took power …
Israel Announces New Construction In Settlements; World Ends Again Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – Israel announced final approval for the construction of 1,500 residential units in a neighborhood of Jerusalem that it captured in the 1967 war, causing the end of the world yet again. The occurrence marks the latest in a series of hundreds of construction projects that have brought about the complete and …
New York, October 2 (AP) – Following Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s fiery address to the UN General Assembly, the New York Times issued a sternly worded editorial chastising the premier for closing the door on the annihilation of Israel as a diplomatic solution to Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons capability. Netanyahu had warned the …