by the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRWA)

by Kaja Kallas, High Representative of the European Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy

By Raúl Uribe, Deputy Minister of Ideological Facepalms

By Ahmed Khalil, Activist and Content Creator

by President Donald J. Trump

by James “Buffalo Bill” Gumm

by Calb Iqlar, Hamas fighter

By Pinchas Spergel

by Reza Mashadi, amateur historian, Federal Republic of Iran

by Kasaafat Bisharaf, Basij enforcer

by Chief Rabbi Kalman Ber

by Agent Finn

by Philippe Lazzarini, Commissioner-General

We pursue only Lebanese interests, as defined by Iran, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, and occasionally France.

By Mehdi Hassan

by Cenk Uygur, Host and Co-Founder, The Young Turks

By Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez, Kingdom of Spain

by Fick Nuentes

by Ayam Bin Khara, Palestine activist

By Yehuda Thunkett, Mossad Section Chief

by Sakmi Deek, Hamas fighter

By the International Red Cross and Red Crescent Movement

by Red Pill Media, X Activist

by Martin Bormann, Head of the Party Chancellery

In Hell, they threaten to open the gates of Gaza, is what I’m saying.

by Abir Mikledet, activist

by Ismail Haniyeh, yet another assassinated Hamas leader

by Mahmoud al-Zahar, Hamas co-founder, senior official, semi-retired

By Shulamit Shoshani, 68

by Khaled Mashal, Hamas Chief

by Joseph Kahn, Executive Editor, The New York Times

by Francesaca Albanese, Agnes Callamard, Rashida Tlaib, or whichever propagandist you prefer

by Eeyore

By Zohran Madani, Democratic Party candidate for New York City Mayor

by Joe Biden

By Tucker Carlson

by Tyrone Rugen, post-doctoral researcher, Harvard University

by Zaviel, prophet Mei Raglayim, May 27 – I’m fine. I’m fine. Not everyone can have their prophecy recorded for all generations. Vanishingly few ever get that privilege. It’s just frustrating as all get out that when I had the opportunity to express the intensity and visceral experience of the resolution of history in the …

by Mehdi Hasan

by Cody Balmer, suspect in arson attack on residence of Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro

By Stu Peterson

by Linda Sarsour

by Jackson Hinkle Moscow, April 3 – Monitoring and alerting the world to the nefarious machinations of the Hebrew menace takes up most of my day; the work at once challenges and energizes me. As vigorous as it can make me, however, I still must give due attention to scheduling considerations, and cannot, I must …

Not even the apricot ones? Or the… is that one prune?

by Haman, son of Hamedatha the Aggagite, Viceroy, Achaemenid Empire

by Saleh Aljafarawi, AKA Mr. FAFO

by Abu Obeida, Hamas Spokesman

by Tor Olafssen, International Committee of the Red Cross

by Abu Obeida, Hamas spokesman

by Goldilocks

by Muhammad Al-Kurd, activist

by Qidob Utay, Qatari Islamist

by Jackson Hinkle

By Fawzi Barhoum, Hamas Official

by Zachary Foster

by MK Benny Gantz, Chairman, Israel Resilience Party

by Jeremy Ben-Ami, Director, J-Street

by Jukha Masri, Gaza City resident

by Hisham Fadi, Hezbollah militaman

by Omar Sh’theed, Hamas supporter in Gaza

by Sajid Hasan, Keyboard Warrior for Palestine

by Rashida Tlaib, Congresswoman, 12h District, Michigan

by Nigel Dickwick, Sky News editor

by Yahya Sinwar, Hamas Chair(man)

by Ruppert Wallace, MSW

by the Obama-Biden-Harris administration

by Hind Khoudary, Gaza journalist and Hamas supporter

by Agent 42069, Mossad Communications Surveillance Section

Think how much more justice we would have in the world had the defeated Germans chosen the path of perpetual Resistance!

A new bottle design features blue and white, identified with Zionism.

by Hussein Wiblash, Hamas fighter

The makeshift kitchen equipment Chef Farradoun sets up just off camera reproduces the quality and flavor of a gourmet kitchen.

by Muhammad al-Masri, Gaza resident

by Yahya Sinwar

by Joseph R. Biden, President of the United States

by Abd al-Qadir Husseini

by Agnes Callamard, Director, Amnesty International

by Aisaq Samqaq, Students for Justice in Palestine, Vanderbilt University Chapter

by Prince Mohammed bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al-Saud, Crown Prince and Prime Minister, Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

by Muhammad El-Kurd, Palestine activist and commentator

by Ismail Haniyeh, Chairman, Hamas Islamic Resistance Movement

by Muhammad Ayman, Rafah resident

by Sulamain Ahmed, online activist

we resist with every drop of blood oh God so much blood help us

by Mirjana Spoljaric Egger, president, International Committee of the Red Cross

I hope the Admissions Committee at Harvard appreciates the extra effort I had to put into this application.

They must sit for up to an hour per school day to complete tasks in disciplines that the classroom instruction time should have sufficed to impart.

by Mendy Katz, Chabad shaliach

by Jafar Masri, Hamas fighter, UNRWA employee

by Joseph R. Biden, President, United States of America

by @HassanHimmlerLover42088

by Ibrahim Bharmal, editor, Harvard Law Review

by Lowell Eastman, Sociology Department, University of Pennsylvania

“The grenades, bullets, and explosives we load onto the missiles have an unfortunate tendency to detonate on impact.”

by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Congresswoman (NY – 14th Congressional District)

How does anyone expect us to maintain morality?

by Inge Boer, European Commission Directorate Secretary

by Ali Latdam, Quds News Network

by Peter Beinart

Jews were protected under Muslim rule! Protected from whom I’m not certain, because obviously Islamic rule is tolerant.

by Nimr Kawukji, Hamas operative

by Khaled Mash’al, Hamas official

by Owen Fairchild, Jeremy Corbyn acolyte

by Faisal al-Kurd, activist

by Muhammed al-Kurd, Palestinian activist and commentator

by Dr. Tzvi Bar-Giora, Department Chief, Obstetrics, Hadassah – Ein Kerem University Medical Center

Funding from dictatorships might dry up if too many people other than Jews (or their US proxies) star in human rights NGO opprobrium

It’s reached the point that I’m no longer so thrilled when Jews die. Maybe that makes me a bad Palestinian.

by Louise Offerman, 2LBGTQIA+ activist

“Sh-she’s from, she’s from, uh, Rishon LeTziyon. You’ve probably never heard of it. Just south of Tel Aviv.”

by Soubhi Al-Amad, Palestinian fighter

We must do something to demonstrate our worth to the Palestinian cause, such as harassing Jews.

by Palestinian Islamic Jihad

by Alex Dewitt, BDS Activist

By Azzam Pasha, Secretary-General, Arab League 1945-1952

By Donald J. Trump, former President of the United States New York, April 10 – It’s been five days since my arraignment, and let me just say – that was the greatest arraignment in the history of arraignments. My indictment is better than any indictment in the history of New York, and probably of the …

by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Truah – The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights New York, March 29 – Democracy. Feminism. Marriage equality. #ItsHerTurn. Mandated pronouns. Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. Critical Race Theory. Collective reparations. Drag Queen Story Hours. Free Palestine. Net Zero. Defund the Police. Sanctuary Cities. The list goes on of the pillars of the …

By Count Dracula Transylvania, March 20 – Passover it just over two weeks away. Those who observe it should be busy preparing their unleavened flatbread. But not a single one has responded to my ad announcing the availability of copious human blood that everyone knows they need in order to make that bread. What gives? …

By Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) Dearborn, March 9 – Here in the Twelfth Congressional District, we have our work cut out for us. This once-prospering, working-class area of Detroit used to boast manufacturing jobs that put the American dream within reach; now, decades after the irreversible decline of the American automotive industry in the state, …

By Ayama Dumfuq, campus Palestine activist New York, February 27 – To avoid accusations that we anti-Zionists hold antisemitic views, we are forced to claim that we oppose the Jewish State in principle not because we want to deny Jews sovereignty, which sounds an awful lot like antisemitism, but because we oppose all ethnonationalism, which has …

by Jesus of Nazareth Jerusalem of the Heavens, February 16 – OK, this is a relatively new one. I’ve been called all manner of things, and I’ll be the first to acknowledge no all those things are consistent with “Son of God” and good connotations. But I’m especially irked by the recent effort – it’s …

By Jibril Rajoub, Palestinian Official Ramallah, February 7 – Each time one of our heroic fighters guns down, stabs, runs over, blows up, or otherwise harms Jews, our official and unofficial propaganda machines rush to characterize the targets as “settlers,” occupiers of a land not theirs, and therefore deserving of violent death. It matters not …

By Kenneth Roth, former Director of Human Rights Watch New York, January 26 – It’s happened again. Just weeks after America’s premier educational and research institution bowed to pro-Israel donors and rescinded its offer to me of a position, now my local house of worship has acted in similarly corrupt fashion – it has submitted …

by Patricia Elton, Thomas Alva Edison Elementary School Annual Bake Sale Chair Effington, January 18 – This February will mark my second time in a row coordinating our institution’s biggest fundraiser of the year, but the first time I will bring to bear the sensibilities that I have finally internalized after a thorough series of …

Thank you for your devotion to this sacred cause. To help us direct your talents and preferences in the best way, please provide the information solicited in the following questionnaire. We will do our best to accommodate your preferences, but make no guarantees, so please answer the questions as accurately as you can. Happy dying! …

by Balila Haki, Btselem activist Tel Aviv, December 29 – I do not know how to make my organization’s position on this matter any clearer. Our assertion, born of dedication to moral sensitivity and global awareness, is and remains that people who have traversed much of East Africa to reach Israel, a country so profoundly …

by King Hussein of Jordan Amman, December 20 – OK, I’ll say it: our efforts were not entirely an exercise in futility, but they were a massive waste of resources, time, and manpower to accomplish next to nothing. In other words, that six-day war could have been an e-mail. Oh, stop it. I know e-mail …

by Issa Awad, Palestine Refugee Tulkarm, December 8 – The morality of the situation is clear: my forebears fled Haifa in anticipation of Arab liberators slaughtering the Jews of the city and making ample plunder available, but when that didn’t happen, and the Jews actually won and took over the place, my great-grandparents set up …

by Vizzini Florin, November 30 – So. It is down to you – and it is down to me. There will be no negotiation. And you’re killing the Zionist project. There’s nothing to explain. You Zionists are trying to kidnap what we Arabs have rightfully stolen. You could have gone anywhere. Uganda. The Americas. Madagascar. …

by Linda Sarsour New York, November 21 – Bad-faith critics have seized on my understated response to events in the Islamic Republic in the last month-plus, depicting my alleged silence in the face of the unrest there as an endorsement of repression of women. I am here to set the record straight, regardless of my …

By Blue-Check Journalist Washington, November 10 – It’s been a couple of weeks since ownership of the bird app officially passed to the hands of the founder of Tesla and SpaceX. The more excitable among us swear they could see major changes as soon as he took the steering wheel; more sober voices understood that …

by Fadi Shuhade, Palestinian activist Ramallah, November 2 – OMG you’re adorable. You seem to operate under the assumption that better access to jobs, a moderate improvement in standard of living, and some token territorial concessions will undo the sense of self I have cultivated that specifically seeks to supplant you and denies your right …

by Ben Rhodes, former White House adviser Washington, October 24 – The scenes from around the Islamic Republic over the last few weeks have generated the gamut of reactions: fear for the courageous women of the country; concern for regional stability; uncertainty over the future of the regime’s nuclear program; worry regarding the integrity and …

by Amer Zahr Dearborn, Michigan – Life can get tough for the anti-Israel activist. But by “life” I mean only the biological, functional term, because between the obsession, surrender of identity, and conspiratorial thinking, not much time remains for a life in the “I am a healthy individual with constructive ways to spend my time …

by Vladimir Putin, President, Russian Federation Moscow, September 29 – Special Operation in Ukraine began February, but I will be first to admit it did not follow plan we had. Bombast and disinformatsiya had only part of desired effect, we failed in surprise assault on Kiev, and in months since, our military has failed in objective …

by Linda Sarsour New York, September 19 – I just returned from a solidarity visit to our Palestinian brethren under occupation, and I have both good news and bad news. The good news: our brothers and sisters facing the brutal colonialist policies of Zionism expressed as much resolve as ever when it comes to demanding historical …

by Hamda al-Fadi, DMV clerk Brooklyn, September 11 – My son turned five today, and I thought we’d acknowledge his milestone by not just keeping the celebration within the walls of our apartment, but showing him we want to share the occasion with the whole neighborhood. That we’re so proud he’s ours! But things took a dark …

by Jeremy Pine, BBC Middle East correspondent Jerusalem, August 31 – I feel like my audience makes certain erroneous assumptions about my prejudices, and will now attempt to clarify for you the biases that govern my reporting so that you can avoid misunderstanding my work: the fact that I consider Palestinians, for example, constitutionally incapable …

by Dr. Hassan Barghouti, archaeologist Temple Mount, August 22 – Guys! Guys! Look at this! I got it! Here’s irrefutable evidence that this site was a Palestinian shrine way back during the late- oh. Huh. OK, forget that, guys! Forget it! False alarm! More Jewish stuff. As you were. By Allah, that’s like the fifth …

by Every Single Palestinian Leader Ever Ramallah, August 11 – For more than a century, we Palestinians have fought the usurpation of our land. We have done nothing but fight that usurpation. And it shows. Robust national institutions? Nope. A functioning government? Nuh-uh. Genuine attempts to create a society that generates buy-in from its members and …

by Yousef Munayyer, US Campaign for Palestinian Rights Washington, August 2 – We’ve all heard the claims: Israel’s Iron Dome missile system poses a dire threat to Palestinian safety. A minority of people hear the statement and find it absurd, because how could a system that intercepts incoming rockets threaten anyone? But most people lack …

By Rafael Shimunov, Jews For Racial and Economic Justice Brooklyn, July 21 – The familiar, cynical tactic of taking an unrepresentative slice of a group and holding them up as representative of the larger demographic features in the hasbara efforts of Zionist propagandists. They would have you believe that most of the non-Jewish population of Israel, …

by Fadi al-Masri, Local Hamas Committee Director Gaza City, July 13 – I love many things about our culture: the dance, the food, the Islamic art, the Gaza-specific maritime vibe, the desert that suffuses the Bedouin element of our identity. Most of all, however, I confess that above even those I place our dedication to …

By Shea McKinnon, LGBTQIA2+-, BIPOC-, Latinx-, and persons-with-a-uterus Ally New York, July 4 – Each year on this date the pain compounds, as people of conscience everywhere bemoan the establishment of the worst society in history, with the possible exception of the Zionist one. Two Fridays ago the justice of this attitude once again became manifest …

by Jerry Lefkowitz Forest Hills, June 23 – Oh, Saul, I assume you heard about Joel? Yeah, poor Frieda and the girl are devastated. I just came from paying a condolence call there, and I have to say, Joel would be greatly disappointed by the quality of food at his Shiva. You know it’s true! …

By Marwan Shibli, Palestinian activist Gaza City, June 19 – Too much misunderstanding and willful distortion of the Palestinian position pervade the rhetoric surrounding the issue, to the point that many people wrongly assume we aim to kill every Jew between the River and the Sea, along with whoever gets in the way. In fact we …

by Agnès Callamard, Amnesty International Director-General London, May 24 – An increasing number of international organizations have concluded that Israel’s unequal treatment of Palestinians under its jurisdiction qualifies as the same race-based system of oppression that characterized South Africa for so many decades and led that country to ostracism from the community of civilized nations. …

by Stanislaw Kaczynski Warsaw, May 12 – Listen, I know some influential folks are up in arms about one group taking elements of another group’s cultural heritage and either commodifying them or integrating them into their own, and I get the outrage, but y’all can calm down with any accusations that Jews stole Eastern European cuisine …

by Muhammad Shtinqr, Acting Secretary, Prisoner Pension Payment Commissioner Ramallah, May 3 To: Mr. Fasil Fattehd Ofer Prison We are in receipt of your letter of complaint dated 22 April in which you objected to the stipend you will receive for your efforts to liberate Palestine by ramming into random Israelis with your vehicle, with …

By Peter Beinart To: Dean Baquet, Executive Editor, NY times I must offer my apologies, Dean. I know that a week or two ago we agreed that I would supply an opinion article for the Times exploring the myriad ways in which the Jewish practice of arranging for someone outside the faith to purchase leavened-grain …

By Jaswan Qiljous Khan Younis, April 12 – You don’t hear it often, but many of the older generation here speak with nostalgia for the time before 2005 when Israel removed all its soldiers and settlers from this territory. The authorities frown on such an attitude, of course; therefore only the boldest of the speakers …

by Ali Mossadegh, advisor to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Tehran, Mach 31- Your Holiness, I must express my admiration for your wisdom and insight regarding the Great Satan and the naivety of their political leadership. Not only did you tell us not to compromise, but to harden our demands and even extend them; you predicted that we …

by Nigel Chadwick, Momentum activist London, March 21 – Progressive movements such as ours face a challenge in drawing important distinctions between the causes we support and those that earn our opposition. That challenge, and the importance of the distinctions, increases when, to the unenlightened or obtuse observer, we appear to apply double standards. For …

by Abier Khatib, keyboard warrior and pro-Palestinian activist New York, March 10 – Folks, we have a problem: all that online engagement on Twitter and Instagram, promoting our narrative and debating against Zios has yet to produce the desired effect. We haven’t moved the needle in any noticeable way regarding American public opinion on Palestine. …

by Josep Borell, European Commission Foreign Policy Chair Brussels, March 2 – My favorite foreign policy fiction that everyone pretends true involves the underwriting, support, and guidance for projects that ostensibly grew out of organic, local efforts, when in fact they only came about because we decided they must, and allocated the necessary resources. This …

By Hussein Abubakr, Palestinian activist Gaza City, February 21 – It’s tough to have one’s sense of self challenged. Most people’s reflexive reaction involves anger, perhaps a threat – or more than a threat – of violence, since a sense of self occupies psychological space on par with physical threats to one’s life. Sometimes, however, …

By Marc Lamont Hill, activist Washington, February 10 – I’m a proud anti-racist, a fighter for social justice who seeks to uphold the rights and narrative of oppressed minorities. As such, I carry heightened sensitivity to accusations that I express, or even harbor, discriminatory attitudes. I must therefore dress up my animus toward Jews as opposition …

by Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization Ramallah, February 1 – Nice to meet you all! My name is Mahmoud, and my favorite pastime involves assuming the trappings of an ancient people with unique cultural ties to this land, when in fact the vast majority of my would-be nation …

by Entirée Szyst, progressive activist London, January 20 – Oh, goodness, I’m so sorry. Your ancestry and heritage had totally slipped my mind a few minutes ago, and had I remembered, I’d not have mindlessly agreed that you and your people deserve to govern yourselves in your own land and not remain at the mercy of …

By Arafat Masri, Palestinian Human Rights activist Beit Hanoun, January 12 – No one knows what 2022 will bring. The uncertainty colors all of our decision-making, all the more so in the shadow of COVID-19 and continued high tensions in the region. I take all that into account when I recommend that rather than waiting …

By Nashat Halawi, activist Somewhere in the hills near the Hizme checkpoint, January 3 – We have to get going, Ahmad. It’s almost time for those school buses to pass by on the road down the hill, and we have resistance to maintain. These firebombs ain’t gonna throw themselves at those Jewish kids. I know …

The true meaning of Christmas is not to look too carefully at the facile analogies of Palestine activists. Bethlehem, December 23 – Most of the Christian world heads into the Festival of the Nativity this weekend. We residents of the city where Christ was born, Christian and non-Christian alike, relish this opportunity to remind everyone …

By Mohammed El-Kurd, activist Jerusalem, December 14 – People under foreign occupation have a right to resist that occupation, and, as pro-Palestinian apologists have long argued, that right extends to “by any means,” a phrase that my people have always interpreted to include attacks on any any and all Jews, who to us are symbols …

by Itbah al-Yahud, PhD candidate, Al-Quds University Abu-Dis, December 3 – Sir, I’ve come close to finishing these equations, and I’ve some exciting news: it looks like we only need to throw a few hundred more children into battle against the Zionist enemy, and Palestine will be restored to its legendary glory when Jews were an …

by The Serpent Garden of Eden, November 24 – The removal of the Thomas Jefferson statue from New York City’s City Hall filled me with a sense of accomplishment I haven’t felt in a long, long time. It resonated with me in a way that other events, even more “momentous” ones, have failed to do. …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority (State of Palestine) Ramallah, November 15 – My predecessor Yasser Arafat and I, along with numerous prominent Palestinians, have long proclaimed we will compromise on none of the rights that other peoples enjoy, and that any attempt to curtail those rights smacks of anti-Palestinian, anti-Arab bias. Those rights …

By Ofir Tzfonbon Tel Aviv, November 4 – Few moments in Israel’s history carry more power or trauma than does the murder of its prime minister in 1995; none others underscore the need to address the polarization of the country’s polity, which can only happen if we paint those who share some peripheral characteristics of …

By Hallel Schusterman, age 16 Your parenting violates the Fourth Geneva Convention. There, I’ve said it. This is my room. It’s been my room as long as I can remember. I forged my identity in this room, became who I am today in this room. You can’t forcibly transfer my sister into my territory that …

by Simone Sheodlo-Higanu New York, October 14 – An aphorism attributed (wrongly) to Albert Einstein characterizes insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. With all due respect to the professor, I believe my current course will defy that pattern: unlike all the efforts of my ancestors who sought …

by God Divine Throne Room, October 6 – OK so this is awkward. You know how in your Yom Kippur liturgy – I get that many of you tuned out or were otherwise engaged during this part of the service – you invoke the prayer of the High Priest in the Holy of Holies, which …

By Subhi Jamaal, Gaza resident Gaza City, September 16 – More than eleven years have elapsed since the Mavi Marmara incident, in which Israeli commandos boarded a vessel bound for the Gaza coast that carried mainly activists and some weapons, but which organizers touted as carrying “aid” to our “besieged” territory, and took control of the …

By Ken Roth, Director What is happening in Afghanistan is as horrific as it was preventable, which compounds the tragedy. Our organization’s anxiety regarding recent developments there has increased to the point that one day two weeks ago, and again this past Friday, our official Twitter account focused exclusively on it for sixty entire minutes, …

by former Governor Andrew Cuomo Albany, August 23 – My career in politics appears to have ended, at least for the short term. But every man needs purpose, and I believe I have found a purpose that will propel me to my next pursuit: management of eldercare facilities and hands-on administration of female educational institutions …

By Issa Amro, human rights activist Hebron, August 12 – Progress comes in many forms. The adoption of human rights principles has advanced civilization, and the Palestinian cause in particular, to places it never would have achieved absent those universal tenets. But not all change brings positive outcomes, and here I refer to the longstanding …

by Dean Baquet, Executive Editor, The New York Times New York, August 3 – Roberta, this is a fine recap of the Met’s upcoming exhibit – good job getting them to grant you an exclusive preview of the Pollock retrospective. It’s a real coup. But I wanted to tell you in person, because I think it’s …

By Fajr-5 LMMC-6D33108B2 Gaza City, July 25 – It looks like my buddies and I may have worn out our welcome in this apartment, but not because of anything we did: public nervousness in the wake of a bunch of mishaps has made Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and other resistance movements more wary than before of …

by Harriet Lefkowitz New York, July 14 – Good morning, Sadie! So nice to see you. How are the grandchildren? Oh, so good, so good to hear. A doctor? Oh, you must be shepping! I hope he finds a nice girl, too, a bright boy like that, and a cardiology student to boot! Say, this …

by Yahya Sinwar, Hamas Chief Gaza City, July 5 – We boast often that we courageously place minors and other noncombatants in or near positions of military importance, with the intent of provoking Israeli strikes on those positions and exploiting the international condemnation of Israel for the inevitable deaths of those noncombatants, thus contributing to …

By Srul Zaiden, Sonderkommando corpse disposal squad Belzec, June 24 – Hell on Earth. That’s the only way to get close to describing my existence at the moment, and even then, the words ring hollow, inadequate. No reason, no purpose governs this living death, but I cling to one small spark of hope: that in …

by Aril Elyse Gold, National Co-Director, Code Pink New York, June 15 – In the rhetorical contest surrounding who gets to represent “authentic” Judaism to the world, and to invoke “what Judaism says” about any issue, we must remember the comparative strengths of different sources of authority. I seek to draw the reader’s attention in …

Allies and enablers will reflexively blame Israel for whatever happens as a result. Gaza City, June 6 – Leaders of the Palestinian Islamic Resistance Movement that governs the Gaza Strip have spent the last several weeks since the latest conflict with Israel wondering how far the organization can go in pulling excuses for missile attacks on Israeli …

by Amos Schocken, Publisher, Haaretz Tel Aviv, May 25 – Nearly four weeks have passed since dozens of people lost their lives in the worst civilian accident in the country’s history. Responsible voices have restricted themselves in the ensuing days to expressions of sorrow, consolation, and, to a limited degree, sober inquiry into the causes …

by Mahmoud Al-Zahar, Hamas spokesman Gaza City, May 12 – Madam, please stop your histrionics. The screaming will accomplish nothing but annoy me and put you and your family on a blacklist of those who get food and housing last. As I have already explained, we cannot supply you with your life-saving medication because all …

by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, T’ruah – the Rabbinic Call for Human Rights New York, May 3 – Numerous thinkers and organizations have attempted over the years to provide a precise, useful definition of the term “antisemitism.” The two most recent efforts making headlines include that of the International Holocaust Remembrance Alliance and the Jerusalem Declaration, …

by Mats Larsson, Chair, Nobel Committee For Physics Stockholm, April 22 Dear Sir: We appreciate your submission to the Committee the nomination of Professor Kerry for next year’s Nobel Prize for Physics. Unfortunately, we are forced to request more compelling evidence that he has indeed achieved what the nomination letter claims, namely that he has proved …

by Richard Silverberg, Morgan Stanley investment consultant New York, April 13 – Hi, thanks for being so prompt. I know you two are trying to juggle a couple a of hectic schedules, so thank you for being prompt, and I hope not to take a lot of time for this consultation. I’ve reviewed the information …

by Ismail Haniyeh, Hamas political chief Doha, March 31 – Forbes reported last week that our movement has surpassed Hezbollah as the world’s best-funded terrorist organization, with more than a billion dollars moving through our coffers on a per annum basis, a tidbit that prompted more than a few less-fortunate (pun intended) allies and… others …

by Lieutenant Zorb-8, Watch Commander, Galaga-X Scout Vessel 22R, Squadron Blue, Intergalactic Fleet Task Force M Intergalactic Standard Date 14.5.99.008, in orbit around Earth – Captain, our surface team has returned from the planet with several specimens upon which to conduct our experiments, including at least three of the fascinating “Anti-Zionist” subspecies of human, but our …

by Ariel Gold, Code Pink New York, March 10 – Prejudice and discrimination have no place in our society – or in our world. Anyone who defines the hundreds of millions of adherents of Islam – the religion of peace! – by the violent actions of a misunderstood but mistaken small minority, commits the sin …

by The United Nations Human Rights Council Geneva, March 1 – Bureaucracy moves slowly by nature, but the time has come for us to apologize nevertheless: we, the members of the United Nations Human Rights Council, express our regret that your land faces occupation by people who are not of the Hebraic persuasion, and therefore …

By Rabbi Andy Kahn New York, February 18 – Today I Learned that the language of most of the Hebrew Bible contains words that are not ‘Tikkun’ and ‘Olam.’ I was Today Years Old when I discovered that. Who knew? For the uninitiated, ‘Tikkun Olam’ means “repairing the world,” and it bespeaks the supreme, ancient …

by Gigi Hadid New York, February 3 – My modeling career makes it unnecessary, unwise, and distracting to wade into politics, but now and then I cannot help but express my feelings on the plight of my Palestinian brethren. Chief among those feelings: of the money that the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees …

by Hussein Halabi, Hamas commando Somewhere underground near the fence between the Gaza Strip and southern Israel, January 21 – Oh God. I think both of my legs are broken. And several ribs. And I can’t feel my left arm. There’s so little air in here, and it’s dark. We were on our way across …

by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader, Islamic Republic of Iran Tehran, January 13 – Recent uproar over the harsh response to US President Donald Trump’s lifetime banishment from social media giant Twitter has called attention to the tech company’s alleged laxity in enforcing its standards elsewhere, leading numerous concerned parties to challenge the firm on …

by Ken Roth, Director, Human Rights Watch New York, January 4 – It never ceases to amaze and amuse me that people think just because Palestinian leaders signed a binding document accepting responsibility for their own internal affairs covering the vast majority of their population, we in the “human rights” community will somehow view the …

by Fawzi Barhoum, Hamas spokesman Gaza City, December 24 – Palestinians continue to suffer the world’s numbness to historic evil, and its frequent participation therein, most blatantly of late as international powers enable the Zionist oppression of this land’s indigenous population by claiming that they, and not we native Palestinians, have developed the immunizations crucial …

by John Kerry, former US Secretary of State Boston, December 15 – Almost to a man, we officials of Barack Obama’s presidential administration have dismissed the recent spate of normalized ties between Israel and various Muslim countries, having contended for years that no separate peace between Israel and the wider Arab or Muslim world could …

by Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) Washington, December 3 – A few days ago I felt compelled to remove a message I reposted from elsewhere on Twitter, a message that contained the oft-repeated slogan of Palestinian national liberation, “From the River to the Sea, Palestine will be free.” I decided to undo the retweet because, I …

By Rabbi Alissa Wise, Deputy Director, Jewish Voice for Peace Philadelphia, November 25 – Tikkun Olam isn’t meant to be easy. Difficult choices await us at every turn. The latest: follow the dictates of vaunted progressive figures such as Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York and refrain from holding or attending large Thanksgiving dinners with …

by the late Saeb Erekat, Palestinian negotiator Jericho, November 16 – I died last week. You might think that prevents me from further expression of my political mantras and propaganda, but I’m not going to let a little death stop me from doing what I’ve always done. Besides, arguing a dead issue is the perfect …

By Every Single Goddamn Person Involved in American Politics Washington, November 5 – It’s over. Or it’s just beginning. However you experience the aftermath of this exhausting election, we must all take a step back, take a deep breath, and let go of some of the tension we’ve been nurturing all year – perhaps even …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization Ramallah, October 27 – The Palestinian national movement has seldom seen darker days. Arab nation after Arab nation has announced normalization with the Zionist entity, even as our cause languishes and we remain powerless as ever to stem the ugly tide of peace. Circumstances have …

by Hassan Nasrallah, Hezbollah Leader Beirut, October 19 – Boy, is my face red. I finished reading some background material on what scholars call jus bellum justum, the philosophy of the Just War, and only now did I realize the whole time none of those thinkers, ancient through modern, interpret the phrase to mean “all war …

By Hassan Ali Paris, October 7 – In the final reckoning, when the time comes to reward those who contributed to the greater good and to assess the penalty for those who stood by – or worse, impeded progress toward a better world – as others expelled the usurping infidel from sacred Palestine, I can …

by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Truah – the Rabbinic Call for Human Rights New York, September 23 – The period from Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur has always loomed large in my calendar, given its centrality in Jewish synagogue life and my role as a rabbi. In my capacity as a fighter for human rights and …

by Josep Borell, Chief of Foreign Policy, European Union Brussels, September 10 – Europe’s unified approach to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict grows in large part out of the Continent’s ambiguous legacy when it comes to the wholesale slaughter of Jews under Nazi occupation during the Second World War. The perpetrators could not have committed atrocities on …

by Hassan Kiswani, Palestinian educator Jenin, September 2 – Coronavirus has upended routine in numerous ways, chief among them the regular attendance of children at school or childcare. Teachers, parents, and students throughout the world struggle this week to resume a semblance of the academic year, often with the aid of technology to replace the …

by Javad Zarif, Minister of Foreign Affairs, Islamic Republic of Iran Tehran, August 21 – Diplomacy and politics are all about compromise. Both arts require flexibility, creative thinking, and efforts to craft win-win situations in which all parties to the issue can walk away with a compelling argument that they gain from the outcome. Iran …

by Detective Adrian Monk San Francisco, August 12 – Numerous elements of the disastrous ammonium nitrate explosion in the Lebanese capital last week give cause for alarm. Nevertheless, one the more common features of such incidents remained noticeably absent: the irregular pattern of the initial blast wave and its accompanying puff of smoke, which, blessedly, …

By Congresswoman Wata Bout Washington, August 3 – My political allies and I are sick and tired of finding our past statements invoking classic notions of Jewish power and perfidy used against us as a political cudgel, as if our suspicion of Jews has any relevance. It seems every time we make a pronouncement, post …

by Roger Waters, washed-up musician London, July 23 – My social justice allies and I have grown weary of partisan accusations of “hypocrisy” surrounding my support for Boycott, Divest, Sanctions measures against Israel over its treatment of the Palestinians, while we supposedly “ignore” or “downplay” the ongoing persecution of other peoples, and those partisan accusers …

by Saeb Erekat Ramallah, July 14 – Don’t believe the Zionist apologist distortions of the English language. Trust me, when we Palestinians repeat as we always have that only an Arab Muslim state is acceptable between the Jordan and Mediterranean, that is simple shorthand for wanting to restrict our territorial ambitions to the armistice lines …

by Yonah Lieberman, If Not Now New York, July 3 – Yesterday’s series of protests in solidarity with Palestine and against Israeli annexation of Palestinian land attracted so many attendees that at our best-attended event, in Philadelphia, we could almost cobble together the ten-person quorum necessary for the Mourner’s Kaddish in honor of Palestinians who …

by Michael Sfard, attorney Tel Aviv, June 24 – American and Israeli citizens have for years pursued cases in the courts against various Arab or Palestinian entities, charging that the latter played a role in the financing or otherwise played a supportive part in terrorist attacks that killed relatives of the plaintiffs. This phenomenon relates …

by Dieudonné M’bala M’bala, comedian Paris, June 15 – Indications of social polarization and “othering” precede the 2016 US presidential campaign, though we can all acknowledge that since then the general sense of alienation has only increased; it remains of some consolation, to me, however, that even when our differences get accented near to the …

By Europe Brussels, June 4 – Perhaps we need to explain an important point that you fail to understand, a point that undergirds the framework of our international funding and policy, especially regarding the Middle East: we, the European Union, enjoy the freedom to demand certain behaviors of Israel in the name of “justice,” “even-handedness,” and …

by Imam Aswalo Mafissis Mogadishu, Somalia, May 21 – Let us dispense once and for all with the wrong-headed notion that Jewish exile and longing for return can in any way trump the Islamic claim to Palestine, because exploring those Zionist lies is tantamount to asking an astrophysicist what happened “before” the Big Bang: just …

by the Middle East The Middle East, May 12 – It’s so touching to see Western – and some non-Western – figures express their worries that certain moves against or by entities in my neighborhood will disrupt my stability, and such pronouncements make me wonder: have you people ever even looked at me? Where has …

by King Mufasa Serengeti – Simba, look out over the pridelands. All the way to the horizon in all directions. Everything the sunlight touches, we hold sway. Except for that shadowy place, the badlands where the hyenas roam. And except for any part of the kingdom where the Islamic empire once held, no matter how …

by Zarah Sultana, Labour Party MP for Coventry South London, 21 April – Thank goodness that’s done. Feigning concern for the welfare of Jews one day a year on the anniversary of the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising exacts a price in nerves and emotional composure. But doing so allows me to return to my normal routine …

By Daniel Gos, Twitter antisemite Hanlon’s Razor admonishes us, “Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity,” but that piece of advice fails to account for the axiomatic evil inherent in those of the Hebrew persuasion. I therefore propose to amend the aphorism by the addition of the subordinate clause, “unless Jews …

by Issa Amro, Palestinian activist Hebron, March 26 – Philosophers and thinkers have long grappled with the nature of a given act: its context, its purpose, and of course its effects, to determine whether that act complies with or violates human morality. They have failed, however, to reach a convincing conclusion – and I maintain …

Jerusalem, March 18 – Dear Diary, The situation continues to look grim. Our stocks of precious toilet paper look visibly diminished – we may have only seventeen rolls remaining – and Rose continues to obsess about running out of toothpaste. Access to wifi, though precarious, appears stable for the moment. On the bright side, the …

by Saeb Erekat, Chief Palestinian Negotiator Ramallah, March 5 – We Palestinians have grown tired of the contention that we demand a state with no Jews in it. Not only does it distract from the core issue of our statelessness and displacement, it presumes something false. In fact we make no such demand – any …

by Esjayda Bilyoo, pro-Palestinian activist Berkeley, February 26 – It comes down to this: you’re either with us or or you’re against us. You don’t get to ignore the need to protect Palestinian rights; the only question with any relevance asks whether you actively work to further those rights, or you remain content to see …

by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Truah Rabbis – The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights New York, February 17 – The Western Wall must be open to all to seek a divine connection as they see fit, except that it lies beyond the 1967 lines, which means it must be under Palestinian control, and if they keep …

by Jibril Rajoub, Fatah Ramallah, February 6 – Our people’s objections to President Trump’s “Peace Through Prosperity” plan span many different issues, but I wish to make clear that all of those problems have solutions available if we receive assurances that making peace with Israel will nevertheless allow Palestinians to keep waging war against Israel. …

by Qusai Qawasmeh, Hamas field operative A field outside Kahn Younis, Gaza Strip, January 27 – Ahmad, I can’t believe this. You didn’t even leave a single balloon over from making bombs, and you KNEW today’s my birthday? I’m shocked. And, frankly, offended. That tiny bit of consideration that our friendship implies wasn’t enough to …

by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Truah – The Rabbinic Call For Human Rights New York, January 11 – Several weeks ago this site published an article in my name, without my consent or input, that attributed to me statements I have not made and opinions I do not hold. It put words in my mouth to …

by Yahya Sinwar, Hamas Chief Gaza City, January 7 – Thank you, gentlemen, for attending this meeting on such short notice. I know we – you – have important projects and initiatives to oversee, not to mention families who require your already-limited time. But the news out of New York yesterday is not good, not …

by Marwan Barghouti Kishon Prison, December 26 – Much has changed since our beloved Raïs passed away in 2004, some of which he would appreciate, and some of which he would decry. But perhaps the most important thing the legendary Yasser Arafat would notice if he were among the living today, and which would spark …

by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Truah Rabbis EDITOR’S NOTE: The putative author of this opinion piece thinks you’re too stupid to realize its satirical nature and that it does not reflect her actual views. She did not, in fact, write this. Despite what she thinks you might think. She even had an attorney threaten a lawsuit …

by Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority, and Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization Ramallah, December 9 – President Donald Trump and his advisers have tries to generate excitement over their impending Deal of the Century to resolve the conflict between us and Israel once and for all, but they appear not to realize I have a different …

by Ann Teasemythe, party activist London, November 28 – Slander of our anti-racist political organization as racist against Jews continues despite the fact that only fifty-six percent of our members harbour such animosity towards those of the Hebrew persuasion. The libel must end. A few bad apples will occur in every group of significant size, …

by Omar Shakir, Human Rights Watch New York, November 19 – Hello, thank you, how do you do? Yes, I do, thank you very much. My, what a lovely home. Well, except for all the bad decorating, maintenance, management, parenting, relationship, and other decisions you’ve made. I came to point those out. But now that …

by Every Single Antisemite Masquerading as Just an Anti-Zionist as if There’s a Meaningful Distinction London, New York, Washington, wherever, November 7 – We see it everywhere: people who raise genuine, sincere criticisms of Israeli policy by calling for the total ostracism and dissolution of the world’s only Jewish state, branded as antisemitic for sharing …

by Abdallah Qardash, Khalif, Islamic State Somewhere in Northeast Syria or Northwest Iraq, October 30 – Our movement’s recent setbacks, including the assassination of Khalif al-Baghdadi and his chief spokesman, point to a disturbing fact: our fellow Muslims have provided much of the key intelligence to the enemy that led to these setbacks, revealing once …

by Rabbi Christine Matthews III New York, October 7 – Countless people I meet make the same error: assuming that just because the Hebrew Bible came from within the Jewish cultural tradition dating back thousands of years, it somehow represents anything authentically Jewish. That assumption misses the mark in a number of important ways, chief …

by MK Ayman Odeh, Joint List Haifa, September 23 – Our alliance of Arab parties has finally reached its fateful conclusion in the ongoing drama of the recent parliamentary elections: we have told President Rivlin that we back Benny Gantz as incoming prime minister, provided that at the same time we can have him charged …

By Susan Lefkowitz-Li, J Street donor New York, September 12 – My status as wealthy Jewish-American grants me numerous privileges, which I acknowledge, but I savor none of them as much as I enjoy pontificating about the excessive measures the Jewish State takes to protect its citizens, a task I undertake from the comfort and …

by Subhi Sh’hada Hebron, September 3 – I need not inform the reader that my hometown bears the distinction of one of the most radicalized locations in the region, if not the world. A hardcore group of several hundred Jews, with military protection, has settled in the immediate vicinity of the Ibrahimi Mosque, where various …

By Rebecca Goldsmith, If Not Now activist I always counsel my pro-Palestine allies to keep the focus of rhetoric on Islamophobic manifestations and anti-Muslim violence, especially from Israel, but it can be hard to maintain that focus when others bring up Arab enmity toward Jews. That’s why my go-to tactic always involves dismissing such points with …

by Veli Alley, conspiracy theorist I do wish the do-gooders would stop accusing me of hating Jews when every single thing I say about them indicates all the positive traits Jews possess, such as the immense intelligence they must have in order to control all the media, finance, governments, and instruments of oppression that they …

by Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority Ramallah, August 5 – This office put out an official message of condolence to the people of the United States as soon as we heard of the mass shootings in Texas and Ohio over the weekend, but gentlemen, that does not absolve us of the responsibility to ascertain the …

By Kenneth Roth, Director, Human Rights Watch Our researchers should be free to conduct their observations and analysis in a country that purports to call itself democratic, but Israel’s behavior in this regard raises some disturbing questions: what does it say about Israel that, unique among all states, it tries to remove our personnel from …

by Javad Zarif, Minister of Foreign Affairs, Islamic Republic of Iran Tehran, July 16 – During my current visit to the Big Apple, I will need to keep in mind that I cannot react to challenging questions from journalists by signaling to my staff that those journalists must never breathe fresh air again. The rules …

by Linda Sarsour It’s difficult for me to choose one episode or incident in Scripture that appeals to me more than any other, but if forced, I’d have to say when Moses, after four hundred years of wandering through the wilderness, finally led he Palestinian People into the land Allah promised to their ancestor Cain. …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority Ramallah, June 26 – The Trump administration’s upcoming conference in Bahrain will go nowhere because it denies the Palestinian people the dignity they maintain through living on international handouts, refusing to develop a sustainable economy, avoiding democratic development at all costs, and remaining a byword for the empowerment …

by Nimrod Rothschild, CEO, Triumvirate Holdings Tel Aviv, June 17 – My company has always prided itself on embracing the most advanced management techniques. We were among the first to develop and adopt a social media strategy, and we continue to ride the wave of socially-conscious trends, among which the most recent include an embrace …

By Moshe Katz, Deputy Assistant Elder of Zion New York, June 5 – What’s this? Hello? Weinberg, what are you doing here? The Elders assigned me the task of manipulating the New York Stock Exchange today, not you. Please leave. Yes, Weinberg, you schmendrick. Look. See this email from Schottenstein? It couldn’t be clearer: Wednesday, the …

By Dominic Lord, human rights activist Tel Aviv, May 23 – We activists take our role seriously: forming alliances, raising awareness, generating political pressure, and partying till all hours in this fabulous city. This is where the human rights action is, where Israeli public figures can be held accountable; where journalists frequent, facilitating attention to …

By Linda Sarsour I make a good deal of noise about the oppression and marginalization of various disadvantaged groups within American society, but I do recognize the relative privilege that we Americans, even many marginalized ones, have, compared to the situation of my Palestinian brethren. That is why I would never presume to instruct Palestinians …

By Wafa Shtayyeh, Hamas wife and mother Shuja’iyya Refugee Camp, Gaza Strip – Honey, I know you love when we break out the special missiles with the sleek design, but you know we only use those when special people are visiting. That’s not today. I understand you think it’s a waste to have those rockets …

By Shir Dimensha, Professor of Comparative Literature New York, April 17 – The quantity of self-identifying progressives in our society has grown steadily in recent decades, in volume if not absolute numbers, but the best way to demonstrate one’s seriousness in the progressive realm remains to take an ancient Jewish text about individual and national …

By Roger Cohen, New York Times Columnist London, April 10 – My various columns over the years in which I showcase my upper-middle-class, translatlantic, more-educated-than-thou, and secular-but-culturally-Jewish-as-long-as-it-fits-my-politics-and-lifestyle outlook may have conveyed the wrong idea to many readers as to my guiding assumptions. Therefore let me state with no pretense: please view me not as one …

By Yasmin al-Yamani, Gaza Strip Resident Gaza City, April 1 – Thank you for checking out my profile at GazaDate and choosing to get in touch! I’m sure we’ll have lots to talk about once we get past the preliminaries, but since you’ve expressed interest, here are a few more tidbits about me to help …

By Amira Woker Few Israeli parents give much thought to the societal or political implications of the mask or other attire their children don for this holiday, but that also means few parents realize how problematic that attire is, especially when it appropriates culture, glorifies or romanticizes violence, or otherwise causes offense to marginalized identity …

By Yusuf Daar, student Mogadishu, March 12 – Somalia has not had many reasons to gloat in recent years, even decades. Protracted civil war, Failed State status, rampant Islamic terrorism, and economic challenges have each played a part in creating, prolonging, or exacerbating our misery. So when one of our own attains an achievement on …

By Gree Vance, Professor of Literature, Bumblethuck College New York, February 27 – Theodore Seuss Geisel earned numerous plaudits for his children’s books, but a new examination of one of his better-known works reveals a dark undercurrent of racism, Islamophobia, and support of ethnic cleansing of Palestinians by colonialist Europeans under the pretext of Jewish …

By Salam Jabari, Egyptian Academic Cairo, February 20 – Our society must not fall prey to the pernicious notions infecting other cultures, chiefly the idea that Hitler led the slaughter of millions of Jews. Conceding that Jews have suffered compromises the absolute justice of the Arab struggle to oust the thieving usurper Jew from Palestine, …

By Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) The current brouhaha over my rhetoric glosses over the most significant point of all: I declare myself to have only warm feelings for Jews, and insisting that I am something other than what I proclaim myself to be represents a denial of my autonomous selfhood and constitutes oppression. And you …

By Jack Straw, scarecrow Popular culture has given rise to the misconception that as I am a person of straw, that material accounts for all the contents of my stuffing, but the real figure seldom gets higher than one twenty-fifth of my total volume; the remainder consists of contentions that Israel-haters trot out to demolish problematic …

By the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Selma, January 21 – You don’t seem to need the encouragement, but now that my birthday has come around again, so has a boost in the apparent drive you have for taking my words and shoehorning them into your ideological box. Yay. My entire ethos revolved around …

By Vladimir Putin, President, Russian Federation Moscow, January 10 – You Israelis never cease to amuse me. You’re so self-absorbed, so politically-minded, that you think I would direct my intelligence operatives to sow discord and dysfunction ahead of your parliamentary elections this April. I couldn’t possibly improve on what you’ve got already. Don’t get me wrong; …

By Linda Sarsour, rights activist Brooklyn, January 1 – It’s bad enough that Palestinians in real life have suffered displacement, persecution, and Othering, but when those phenomena extend even to the realm of beloved children’s shows, we know our society has a problem. Every reference to Palestinians and Palestinian suffering has been erased from the …

Outwardly I have to act as if I’m really annoyed. Efrata, December 19 – Don’t tell my wife, but the recent foofaraw over de-listing Jewish-owned short-term rental properties in Judea and Samaria provides just the excuse I need to delay clearing out that spare bedroom we’ve been using as storage space and making it livable …

By Saeb Erekat, Palestine Liberation Organization Ramallah, December 12 – The news out of the Australian capital today could not be worse for the righteous Palestinian cause: the government there appears on the verge of approving recognition of Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, a move that threatens the very foundations of morality, civilization, and any other …

By Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu Jerusalem, December 3 – That time of year has come again, and I hereby make the same offer as always: in exchange for the right amount of cash, favors, or other benefit accruing to the persons or organization of my choosing, I will grace your Festival of Lights menorah-lighting event. …

By Ken Roth, Director, Human Rights Watch New York, November 22 – We human rights activists live a difficult life: our organizations are feted in Geneva, do as we please with no oversight, and enjoy unparalleled international credibility with the United Nations. Despite those hardships, however, as an activist I always consider even my moments …

By Yahya Sinwar, Hamas leader Somewhere beneath Shifa Hospital, Gaza City, November 14 – Recent confusion regarding the specific manifestations of murderous hatred that I and my organization espouse has made it necessary to issue the following disclaimer: my expressions of wishes to rid the world of the Jewish scourge once and for all do …

By Alhaf Suwij, East Jerusalem resident Ras-a-Amud, Jerusalem, October 31 – Maintaining one’s ideological principles is important. Me, I adhere to my people’s official position that participating in the holy city’s municipal elections normalizes occupation, and therefore all Palestinians must refrain from voting. But that will not stop me from criticizing the city government for …

By Professor Albert Bunchwick, Rector Sit down, Mr. Crabtree. We must have a little talk. It has come to the administration’s attention that during your lectures, you have taken to indulgence in some rather distasteful stereotypes about members of the Hebrew persuasion. Now, Mr. Crabtree, we appreciate your abilities as an instructor, but it is …

By Luqdat Tahat Cairo, October 11 – Whenever women complain that men make uninvited suggestive, derisive, or immodest remarks to them, the discussion inevitably wanders in to the subject of how women dress and what manner or quantity of clothing might forestall such rhetoric. I know I can only speak for myself here, but let …

I hate religious Jews, and I’m not one, so how could I be self-hating? North Tel Aviv, September 13 – You people need to stop the name-calling. When I oppose the sale of apartments in my neighborhood to Jews who maintain their traditions, even in public, it makes no sense to call me a self-hating …

By Hamas If you love something, set it on fire. Beloved Land, we would give our lives for you. And we do, all the time. The depth of our attachment to you runs so deep, so strong, that we will start numerous fires to prevent us from ever being able to develop and cultivate you …

By UK Labour When an MP from our party whose family members were killed in the Holocaust stood up in Parliament on Tuesday and called our chairman a “@%$&ing anti-Semite,” we were appalled that the situation had deteriorated to the use of such language. Not so much by what prompted it. As Labour members and …

By Albert Einstein I never said the original quote, you know. It first appeared in a 1983 mystery novel by Rita Mae Brown, attributed to a nonexistent Jane Fulton. But since in the popular mind I mouthed those words, let’s run with it. It’s as fine an example as any other of the phenomenon in …

By Mahmoud Al-Zahar, Hamas spokesman All means are acceptable in throwing off the yoke of the Zionist usurper. Staging incidents and inflating casualty figures boasts a long and glorious history in Palestinian lore, at least since Deir Yassin. But the mere acceptability of such measures does not automatically make them the recommended course of action, …

By Rabbi Mendel Moskowitz Alert! Shut it down! Shut it down! They know! The jig is up! The goyim know! I can’t tell you exactly what the goyim know, because if you’re a goy and you don’t yet know, I’m not allowed to tell you, and you could just be pretending to know what you …

By Yusuf Jabber We have encountered the claim so many times that refuting it has become tiresome, but once and for all, allow me to explain why the establishment of a “Jewish” state in Palestine is such a historical travesty: they are not even Jews, and therefore cannot claim ties to this Islamic land, because …

By the staff of the United States Penitentiary for Males, Leavenworth, Kansas On behalf of all the employees and outside contractors operating this facility, we hereby extend our sincere apologies to any resident of this prison who has taken offense at the institution’s use of gender-specific formulations in signage, forms, instructions, disciplinary talks, or other forms …

By Basher Assad, President, Syrian Arab Republic It’s amazing where life can take you, and how it takes you there. My dear father knew how to run a country, and brooked defiance from no one. Me, I was slated for smaller-scale achievement, attending a western medical school with the goal of becoming an eye doctor, …

By the IDF Kibbutz Nir-Am, June 4 – Here in the communities along the border with the Gaza Strip, we soldiers receive constant reminders why we do what we do: the families who live here who need protecting; the local economy that suffers when rockets and mortars are fired from Gaza; and the beauty of …

By Fashla Fadikha, Gaza protester May 27 – Call me bitter, but I, for one, cannot bring myself to feel unmitigated joy at the sight of Zionist fields and brush aflame as Palestinian kites bearing Molotov cocktails ignite blazes. For weeks, I have argued that incendiary boomerangs were the way to go, but the leadership …

By Hussein Jabari I’ve been lugging these crutches around for days, participating in staged incidents that purport to showcase Israeli brutality against innocent Palestinians – I play the role of a wounded youth; thus the accessories – and I have to tell you: I have no idea how people who genuinely need crutches handle the …

By Yahara Kussemek, Professor of Islamic Thought It’s been a widely accepted notion in the Muslim world and beyond for some time now that the people who call themselves Jews today, mostly of the European variety, descend not from the ancient tribes of Israel, but from ninth-century converts in the Khazaria region where Europe meets …

By Israel’s security barrier It gets a little frustrating when you’re assigned a certain role, given a certain job description, and then don’t get a chance to perform that job. I’m sure you can understand how I feel after years of carrying the job title “Apartheid Wall” but coming nowhere close to enforcing bona fide …

By Stan Dartkafuhl, legal scholar The position of the international community on the subject of the 1949 armistice lines between Israel and Jordan, and between Israel and Egypt, has long been clear: Israeli control of any territories beyond those lines constitutes an illegal occupation, and Israel’s permanent border must follow the lines on the armistice …

By Yahya Sinwar The Great Return March, known by various similar names, has been going on for more than a week already, and the intense planning that went into it now appears to have gone to waste, all because those inconsiderate Syrians in Douma had to go and put themselves on the receiving end of …

By Chris Hayes McNeil, this is your first big assignment. You want to jump start your career in Gaza, and it’s the perfect venue for such an ambitious goal. But you’ve made a rookie mistake, and I’m here to take you under my wing and help you along: the way it works in journalism is …

By Linda Sarsour We all agree stereotypes are horrible, with ethnic stereotypes being the worst of the worst. For that reason, we must always avoid falling into the trap of stereotypes, except when conforming to them becomes a signal of membership in an aggrieved group, in which case it is now a cardinal progressive sin …

by Trayon White, Washington, DC Council member Listen, I know it was bad form to engage in antisemitic tropes and portray the Jews as a monolithic, sinister, all-powerful group. I apologized – of course I apologized; it would be wrong not to. But between you and me, there’s no shortage of evidence the Jews have …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority Ramallah, March 14 – Much of the recent discussion of current affairs in Israeli media over the last week has centered on various squabbles among the parties in the prime minister’s governing coalition, and the consensus has alternated between predictions of the government completing its 4.5-year term and early …

By the Mossad Ever wonder why you always seem to have a different number of Tupperware containers from the number of lids? Or why hot dogs come in packages of 12 but hot dog buns come in packages of 8? Well, wonder no more. We’re the ones behind it. We’re the Mossad. If you thought …

By Ken Roth, Director, Human Rights Watch President Erdogan of Turkey crossed all lines of decency and morality when he encouraged a young girl to sacrifice herself in combat for Islam and for Turkey. Children must remain outside the boundaries of warfare, as victims but especially as combatants, and praising the involvement of children as …

By Klee Schay Our discussion of this set of important issues has proceeded well enough, ladies and gentlemen, but no one is going to change his or her mind based merely on a rehashing of familiar points, as cleverly as they might be rephrased. No, my friends, if any of us is going to make …

By Dee Luszenal Everyone ready? I’m about to submit a comment on this website, a comment that will once and for all bring the whole Arab-Israeli conflict to an end with its manifest sanity, compelling points, humanity, cogent reasoning, and sparkling rhetoric. Once the people behold the unassailable arguments I make in this comment, they …

By Semtek Siffor, Jihadist I love reunions. Even if you’re the kind of person who stays in touch with the people in your class after graduation, having everyone gather in one place to reconnect more directly and to reminisce, to catch up on things, can be very special. But I’m concerned that there won’t be …

By Tina Swann, Zoning Board member Mahwah, February 7 – If there’s one thing I’ve learned from studying international news, it’s the importance of the so-called Status Quo when it come to Jews and what governs their relations with non-Jews. Anything that disrupts or violates the status quo must be prevented. Well, that means we shouldn’t …

By Hassan Nasrallah, Secretary-General, Hezbollah Liberation of the Islamic land of Palestine from the infidel Zionists remains the sacred duty of all Muslims, regardless of local nationality. That is why it ultimately does not matter how many Lebanese must die in the process of realizing that dream. I write this in response to ongoing rhetoric …

By Harriet Tubman It’s tough here, on the Underground Railroad, but this is the struggle I’ve chosen, and this is my mission. I rely on many others to succeed, and it’s truly a shame that I’ll have to wait decades for opponents of Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland to co-opt my cause while …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; President, State of Palestine; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization As a devout Muslim I have always maintained that any model of the universe with the sun at the center of our planetary system must be flawed; our scholars and spiritual leaders have always placed Earth in the center, …

By Yahya Sinwar, Hamas Leader It’s been more than three years since we last provoked a war that killed thousands and left tens of thousands more homeless. One can debate the merits or timing of the conflict, but one clear political advantage it provided was an excuse to bump off anyone threatening our hegemony in …

By Pharaoh Not that I expect the Arabs of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries CE to take my advice, but I’d have counseled against attacking the nascent Zionist state. My cavalrymen and I could have told you what happens when you attempt to push the people of Israel into the sea. Now, it’s true that …

By The Mossad As part of our ongoing mission to keep Israel secure by clandestine means, we have long pursued strategies that might involve wreaking instability in enemy regimes, depending on the situation. But in recent decades our expertise in that realm has grown rusty, since we seldom need to lift a finger to undermine …

By Joseph the carpenter Good morning, my dear wife. Is there any way I can make you more comfortable? Little Jesus looks so sweet, swaddled against you like that. What a lovely picture. Would you like something to eat or drink? I’ll fetch some water in a moment. You want to look again at some …

By Julius Streicher When the Third Reich fell and Germany surrendered in 1945, I though my world was lost. My life’s work, my magnum opus, if you will, died an ignominious death, even before I was hanged at Nürnberg. Little did I know that lo these decades later, the legacy of my baby, Der Stürmer, would …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization All those well-meaning diplomats and politicians urging Palestinians to make peace with Israel, or at least sit down to negotiations, miss one crucial point: without perpetuation of the conflict, I feel purposeless. Once a Palestinian state is established at peace with Israel, what would I …

By An Arab Who Doesn’t Want To Get Killed For Saying This Why do we Arabs keep shooting ourselves in the foot? Is it pathological? Why does nothing we achieve have any lasting value? I don’t know about you, but the way in which we, collectively, squander our opportunities makes me think it better that …

By Linda Sarsour, women’s rights activist The stubborn patriarchy that all but rules our society wants to control women’s bodies and what women are allowed to wear, and they insist on making these determinations without consulting women, the people who are most affected by those determinations. My allies and I in this fight will …

By Jacob Simeon and Levi, I’ve just about had enough from the two of you. One more murderous, plundering outburst like that and I’m going to turn this whole caravan right around and go back to Padan Aram. I mean it. The two of you have been itching to go on a killing spree ever …

By Santa Claus North Pole, November 19 – Just before I get absorbed in the busiest part of our annual operation, I think it important to clear up a common misconception: the categorization of people into worthy or unworthy of receiving their desired gifts for Christmas occurs not at my headquarters, but has for decades …

By Mossi Raz, Chairman, Meretz Listen up, people. We’ve got our work cut out for us if we’re going to increase our representation in the next Knesset. You can glory all you want in the manifest rightness of our politics, but we have to face one scandalous fact: the right-wing parties in this country intend …

By Ismail Haniyeh Dear Mr. Corbyn: I am in receipt of your communiqué from Wednesday last, in which you made the generous proposal to form a partnership with you in shepherding the UK Labour Party toward victory in future elections. First of all, thank you for considering me and the movement I lead for such …

By Yariv Oppenheimer, Peace Now My organization has argued for years that Israel should relinquish the areas it seized in 1967, so that the Palestinians can establish sovereignty there. As for the concern that Jews will then be barred from holy sites and other important places in Jewish heritage under Palestinian control, the solution is simple: …

By Mom Is everyone ready for some cake? Good, let’s clear away the plates and I’ll just- wait a minute. Moishe, what’s that I see on yours? Is that gentile blood matza you haven’t eaten? Well, that’s not acceptable. No dessert for you until you eat every last bite of it. You know the rules. …

By God Decades of Hollywood’s influence on popular culture have perpetuated the misconception that My speaking voice resonates with gravitas, seriousness, and intimidating presence. I confess I appreciate the awe and reverence such a choice of characterization indicates, but in fact my speaking voice is less Cecil B. Demille in The Ten Commandments and more Gilbert …

By Schlemazel Goldberg We just had our first rain of the season – into the Sukkah, of course, where it has become traditional to clear out the food, furnishings, and other fragile things at least once per Sukkot holiday in a sudden downpour. The roof, which should be sparse enough to one can see the …

By Jonah the Prophet As a prophet and the son of a prophet, I would be the first to tell you the life of a prophet is no picnic. Even for personalities who crave the limelight and being privy to the secrets of the universe, there can be stretches of intense challenge. Case in point: …

By Cantor Anthony Weiner The days leading up to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, always carry a special intensity. As one who leads the services in the synagogue on that solemn day, I am acutely aware of the need to address my failings, especially the failings that damage my relationships, the moments when I …

By Lex Luthor If there’s one thing a supervillain wants, it’s publicity. The whole thing with the logo, the hairdo, the costume, the sinister name – it’s all to generate hype. Fear, of course, and respect, but sustained public attention is also really important to the role. So the last thing we want is for …

By Aiselyu Siffor, proprietor I’ve been in the suicide bomb sales business for years. Business has been, well, booming, and I’ve certainly done well for myself in this line of work, but despite attracting tons of new customers all the time, we don’t get much repeat business. That statistic has me worried, because everyone knows the …

By the LORD Jeremiah, go forth and call out to the ears of Jerusalem, saying, “Thus saith the LORD: I remember for you the lovingkindness of thy youth, the love of thy newlywed days, when thou followed me in the wilderness, in an unseeded land, by which I mean following in a literal sense, and …

By Dibbah Zeitoun In agriculture, we live our lives by the seasons. The rhythms of the climate guide us in what activities to pursue: when to irrigate, when to sow, when to plow, what to harvest, and when to cut down our own trees because we want to do something else with the land and …

Lyrics: Jenin-McCartney It’s been Jihad day’s night And I’ve been hurting kikes and dogs It’s been Jihad day’s night I hear them weeping, sons of hogs But with that heavenly crew Of virgins seventy-two I’m a Shaheed, all right. You know I hurl grenades To get some money (a martyr thing) Stab and …

By Yisraela M’khoar It’s very sweet of you to invite me to come to your demonstration this is week. I really want to come, but I’m sorry, I’m already holding a different rally, so I can’t come that night. Maybe some other time? I hope you convey my protest to the target of your demonstration, …

By Barqingupta Rongtree, delegate, European Parliament Systemic solutions are always better than local remedies when it comes to widespread problems. While many of us, myself included, long hoped that the spate of Islamist terrorism aimed at Europe would subside as we showed a welcoming face to migrants, it turned out that something far more profound and …

By Imam Yousaywat Dafuq, Al Aqsa Mosque No one likes being misunderstood. I try very hard in my sermons to articulate clear messages, but partisans and subversives insist on distorting those messages for political purposes. Let me state for the record, then, that when I call for killing all the Jews, I mean no antisemitism …

By Bashar Assad, President, Syrian Arab Republic Damascus, August 13 – I must admit I’m impressed by the thoroughness of your work. It’s pristine! You have to tell me – what ethnic cleanser do you use? I’ve seen the campaigns that tout one product or the other as the most effective ethnic cleanser, but I …

By Al Nusra, expectant father Hi, good morning. Sorry to bother you with so many basic questions about baby furniture and supplies – my wife and I are new at this. Hey, thanks. Two months to go. The doctors think it’s a boy, and we’re into traditional gender roles, so what I need to know …

By Radi Qal, Activist Dear Sirs/Mesdames: I have received your letter inviting me to speak at your institution. Thank you. I feel honored to be considered for such an event. But before I give my formal response, I seek to clarify the terms and assumptions under which this invitation was proffered, to determine whether it …

by Raed Salah, Islamic Movement Umm el-Fahm, July 25 – To the uninitiated observer, the explosion of violent demonstrations after Israel put up metal detectors at the entrance to the Temple Mount must have looked like an impressive display of sudden protest by tens of thousands of Muslims who all felt the need at the same …

By An Expert On International Law Whose Conclusions Suit Your Sensibilities It should not be difficult to arrive at a simple understanding of the status in international law of the territories Israel took in the 1967 war. All one needs to do is apply the proper overriding principles, and thereby determine whether those territories are disputed, …

By MK Ahmad Tibi It is dishonest of those on the political right to demand that we Arab Members of Knesset denounce the murder of two policemen this past Friday. Our voters elected us for a reason, and showing sympathy for Jews and those who protect them is not that reason. Condemning murder might be …

By Mustafa Massikr, Hamas Official You tried, Muhammed. You tried to kill a bunch of Zionist occupation soldiers with a car yesterday, but you only managed to injure one, and then you got out of the car to try to stab as many others as you could, but they shot you dead. The next morning, …

By Ismail Haniyeh Shifting allegiances in the Arab world can prove confusing, but as the fortunes of various tyrannical regimes wax and wane, it should surprise no one that shifts in allegiance vary accordingly. We in Hamas initially stood with the uprising against Syrian President Basher Assad, but as the war progressed, we gradually realized …

By SJW McWoke If mathematics were not such a patriarchal system, I would feel comfortable about counting the number of times we progressives have been accused of “soft” bigotry by not demanding that all peoples adhere to the same standards of behavior. I am here to correct that misimpression. There is nothing soft about my …

By Isaac Herzog, Chairman, Labor Party The battle for leadership of the Labor Party is heating up – primaries are next week, and the campaigns of the various candidates have taken on an urgent tone as each tries to secure enough votes. Predictably, and unfortunately, some of the rhetoric has taken a nasty turn, with …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority So you know how I’ve been ordering my underlings to shut down media that challenge my policies or legitimacy, and have imprisoned journalists for exposing the corruption, incompetence, and stupidity of my administration? Well, it turns out it’s all a misunderstanding – apparently I heard you all wrong, and …

I should have foreseen how my system in the inevitable wrong hands would produce such horrors. It’s been more than a thousand years since my followers swept across the Middle East and North Africa, even into Europe, and down into Southeast Asia. My teachings have spread far and wide, reaching even the distant lands of …

What you want to do is attract the closet antisemites and give them enough plausible deniability. Jack, this is just amateurish. No one goes for old-fashioned antisemitism anymore. It’s one thing to couch your Jew-hatred in terms of Zionism; we all do that. But if you want to keep those hymies from moving into this …

Leaving Marcia alone means you accept her being different from you, even though she never takes a bath. We call that part of pluralism “tolerance.” Hello, everyone. Settle down, please. Today we’re going to talk about pluralism. Pluralism means wanting or accepting our differences, even if those differences are very big. Timmy, sit down, and …

By Mustafa Massikr, Hamas activist I love it. I get to kill women and children in their beds, and the world supports me! For me, it’s never been about freedom for Palestine. Those little kids don’t know a thing about it. I do it for the sheer joy of stabbing them, of slashing their little …

By Mustafa Massiqr Culture forms a fundamental part of a person’s identity. The ethos he absorbs becomes a part of who he is, to the point that any challenge to that culture constitutes an assault on his sense of self, and he will resist that assault. Is it any wonder, then, that we Palestinians oppose …

By Zehava Gal-On, Chairwoman, Meretz Party As with any question of policy, we must always examine its anticipated long-term effects. Democratic principles have governed Israel since it was founded, but the rapid growth of the religious sector and the mixed success at best of the secular Left have raised the prospect of losing our party’s …

By Saeb Erekat It is time to put to rest the notion that we Palestinians are not preparing our people for peace with Israel. As our president said to Mr. Trump in Washington two weeks ago, ours is a culture of peace. We have made numerous moves to inculcate peace into our polity, and because …

By Marwan Barghouti When my fellow prisoners planned our hunger strike, we anticipated the traditional sympathetic depiction of our plight in the world press. Indeed, events began well, with such august institutions as The New York Times publishing my explication of the strike’s aims. But somewhere along the line, not long after I was filmed …

By Haj Mohammed Amin al-Husseini, Grand Mufti of Jerusalem One of the key characteristics of a compelling political narrative is clarity: clear goals, clear demands, and a clear articulation of those goals and demands. But today’s Palestinian Arabs, and their supporters all over the world, compromise the clarity and justice of our noble cause by …

By Saeb Erekat We are a nation and a culture that values truth, and this is the truth: we will go to the greatest rhetorical lengths to demonize the Zionist enemy, facts be damned, because nothing is more sacred than our struggle to liberate the land from the yoke of Zionist oppression. The truth is …

By Isaac Herzog, Labor Party Chairman The youth are the key to keeping our party and our country vibrant. Any party that seeks to remain relevant must appeal to the emerging youth demographic. That is why I am pleased to announce that Labor will be running summer programs for children and teens this July and …

By Mahmoud Abbas Western governments appear to be cracking down on how we Palestinians use the funds they provide for us to run our little fiefdom, including an unprecedented insistence that we not use those monies to pay lifetime pensions to our brave murderers sitting in Israeli jails, and to the families of those martyred …

By Heinrich Himmler Another Earth Day has come and gone, another Earth Day on which my part in making certain forests and fields in Eastern Europe greener has gone unrewarded. Does no one realize how much better the grass grows over the sites where the bodies of thousands of liquidated Jews fertilize it? I would …

By Itbah al-Yahud When I joined the progressive movement, I knew it would not be difficult to use it as a defense against accusations of antisemitism, but I must admit I had no idea it would be nearly this easy. To the casual observer, a progressive attitude welcomes identity groups of all kinds and strives for …

By Holia Thanthow Western powers, especially the US, have quite a bit to answer for already, but this latest missile strike on Syria – ostensibly in response to the use of chemical weapons – adds further injustice to the world, and not merely in the form of inevitable civilian casualties: using a weapon whose name …

By Basher Assad, President, Syrian Arab Republic We Arabs are a proud people. Honor is perhaps the strongest value in our culture, often trumping life itself. It is a point of pride for an Arab nation to attain self-sufficiency, and a source of ongoing shame that few, if any, Arab states can hold their own …

By Ayyaf Dayariyya, unemployed Gaza City, March 29 – I’m glad you clarified what you just said, because the first time I heard it, I could have sworn you were vowing to destroy “the Zionist Enema,” and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what you meant. So thank you for correcting me. …

By Hippo Critt, BDS Activist Berkeley, March 22 – It takes a certain amount of gall to accuse social justice activist such as I of prejudice. Just because I reserve all my vitriol for Jews doesn’t mean I’m an antisemite. I just know I can’t possibly fight all the wrongs being done in the world …

By the Flying Spaghetti Monster I’m not one to get all sensitive about the requirements of other religions. If you want to come close to your notion of divinity by abstaining from leavened grain products for a little over a week every year, I should have no problem. It’s your conscience. It’s your digestive system. …

By Aiwil Qilfag, Gaza Strip Imam I do not understand you people who object to our treatment of homosexuals. What we do to them is very similar to things that you Westerners pay to have done to you, such as when you go to amusement parks or bungee jumping. Only the landing is different. Why …

By Al Koholik Happy Drinking Day! Or for those of you who insist on pretending it’s not about the drinking, Happy Purim. You’re welcome to get involved in explaining how and why the festival encourages imbibing wine and other intoxicants. Me, I don’t need Purim as an excuse to get drunk and make poor decisions. …

By Justin Thyme It’s nearly finished. Just a couple of rooms to go and the place will be clean and ready for Pesach 2016. This took a little longer than it should have, I know. But you get to cleaning one thing and it leads you to all sorts of different tasks. This time, though, …

By Ali Ahmad, Al-Aqsa Activist By now everyone knows of the Jews’ ongoing attempts to render Muslim sites Jewish, especially in the old city of Al-Quds (Jerusalem). Daily disruptive visits of Jewish settlers and provocateurs at the Haram al-Sharif, where Al-Aqsa resides, involve Talmudic rituals and expressions of spirituality that by their very nature deny …

By Lena Dunham I’m sure I’m not the only one thrilled to see how many people have mobilized online – and occasionally in person – to mock Donald Trump. The scale of involvement in the sacred work of ridiculing his childish, thuggish conduct moves me to the point that I am certain only a few …

by Saeb Erekat One of the talking points one hears many times in the realm of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is that the Palestinians have rejected peace offer after peace offer. Putting aside the accuracy of the claim, it ignores one of the fundamental rules of the game: we’re allowed to reject up to ten final-status …

By Urgh People make a big fuss over zombies rising from the grave and menacing the living, but at least you can kill a zombie again with the right equipment. Our staying power has nothing on the patently untenable Two-State Solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Considering that the two-state vision was doomed from the get-go …

By Avigdor Liberman, Minister of Defense Having served as Minister of Defense for ten months now, I can give a number of observations as to certain strategic mistakes our country has made over the last several decades, but principally in the last eight years. Chief among them, I would argue, was the decision to make …

By Adolph Hitler It’s too bad you haven’t learned all the lessons from the cataclysmic episode of history in which I starred. Fascism is indeed on the rise once more, but believe you me, I’m not going to get into which one is the genuine article – the fascism of the Left or the fascism …

By Mahmoud Abbas Nobody ever promised me the position of President of the Palestinian National Authority would be easy. I never expected it to be. Combine it with – or consider it a subsidiary role of – my position as Chairman of the Fatah faction and Palestine Liberation Organization, and you get one long work …

By the Huffington Post Editorial Staff Last night’s mosque attack in Quebec has us in tears. Such violence against innocents never ceases to shock. In its wake we must be exceedingly careful not to assume the motives or identities of the perpetrators, unless those assumptions involve non-liberal Westerners. Thus, it would be illiberal to claim, …

By Harambe I’m no religion or culture expert. I’m a gorilla. But there’s still a part of me that swells with pride when Muslims call Jews “the children of apes and pigs.” They chose my taxonomic order to associate with the Jews. That’s some heady stuff right there. Of course I can’t speak for pigs – …

By Former President Barack Obama It’s over. For better of for worse – I will of course always insist for the better – my two terms in office have elapsed, and now a new man occupies the Oval Office. That means it is time for the media to shift its attitude, and implement what it …

By Ali Abunimah All of you dupes repeatedly wondering how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood are falling into the trap the Elders of Zion have set for you. What you really should be asking is cui bono? Who benefits from the chucking of all that wood? If you start …

By Elizabeth Bauer, gossip junkie The elections might be over, but that doesn’t mean this great country has resolved its many political challenges, the road ahead remains fraught with uncertainty and different values on a collision course. Who can say with certainty what is best for America? I certainly do not presume to dictate what …

By Ken Roth, Human Rights Watch The attack today on civilians in Jerusalem was terrible, of course, but that does not excuse Israeli soldiers from using excessive force in neutralizing the Palestinian driver. Instead of riddling him with bullets as he drove into the crowd of youths, they should have shot the truck out of …

By Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God Let me get this straight: the Jews are collectively held responsible for having me crucified, in doing so proving instrumental to my purpose in dying for all the sins of humanity, and you people condemn and persecute them for it? You’ve got it backwards, imbeciles. You should be …

By Audrey McAuliffe, High School Guidance Counselor Alex, I see you’ve filled out all of the proper forms for your college applications, and arranged for your SAT and SAT-II scores to be sent to the institutions of your choice. But there’s still one thing missing: the required essay on how you intend to portray your …

By Arye Golan, Israeli Journalist There was a time, apparently in the distant past, that not every issue discussed in the Israeli media revolved around the UN Security Council’s decision to declare Israeli activity beyond the Green Line illegal. While most of my colleagues indicate no such awareness, I remember that time. It was simpler, …

By Santa Claus ‘Tis the season! Now is when I do my final checks of those Naughty and Nice lists to make sure everything matches: which children of rich parents get fantastic, expensive gifts; which children of poor parents get barely anything; which kids of both varieties get a lump of coal; and which kids …

By Judah Joe, the guys are not pleased with your delusions of grandeur, and I can’t say I disagree. Aside from the fact that it’s just dangerously destabilizing to go boasting about visions of your own superiority over us, it’s not right to go describing all the “stars” you saw using that word. For the …

By Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu Thank you for attending this Coalition meeting on such short notice. I know many of you have important legislative and administrative business, and I do not take those commitments lightly. But we have yet to decide on which of us or our associates will make some racist, insensitive, or …

By John Kerry Diplomacy, like politics, is the art of the possible. You have to be realistic about what you can achieve. You Jews have lost sight of that principle, and insist on persisting, even thriving, despite longstanding indications that you’re not meant to make it. You have to be realistic, and stop trying to …

By Saeb Erekat Much hay has been made lately of the phrase “post-truth,” to the point that Oxford Dictionaries named it the 2016 word of the year. As far as that goes, fine, but we Palestinians can’t really jump on that bandwagon, because for post-truth to carry any meaning, one must assume truth ever was …

By Esau Look at me, Jacob. I’m famished. You’ve got a whole pot of lentil stew there that you don’t really need. I’ve got my pride, though, so I’m not going to accept unrequited kindness from you. That’s not how I roll. Your proposal to trade the lentils for the birthright is fine with me …

By Zehava Gal-On, Chairwoman, Meretz One of the most irresponsible things to do in response to the wave of wildfires raging throughout the country right now is to reflexively point fingers and blame Arabs for starting the fires. I’m going to repeat that point enough in the hopes that I succeed in drowning out the …

By Abraham My beloved Sarah has passed on after a hundred -twenty-seven years, and now I turn to the task of acquiring a burial place for her – that is, for us. It is appropriate, then, to integrate the reunion of our material bodies with the dust from which we came, in a way that …

Perhaps thou wishest to undergo a trial run with thy wife’s Egyptian maidservant? Thou canst always disown the tyke if he displeaseth thee. I am the LORD who hath taken thee out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give unto thee this land, and I say to thee: lift thy eyes to the heavens and …

By Isaac Herzog, Labor Party Chairman Last year and this year brought more than their share of electoral surprises. In each case, the left-leaning media lulled us leftists into complacency by predicting a weakening of the Right, if not our outright victory. In all cases, we instead suffered major setbacks, and were properly chastened by …

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President I don’t get it. You Americans can’t seem to leave well enough alone. You had an election back in 2004, and again in 2008. You even had one in 2012, as if the two previous ones weren’t good enough. During that time, I haven’t had to hold another round of presidential …

By Hussein Jibril, stabbing attack planner Many of our apologists are educated people, which makes it a little strange to have them disregard what we actually say about violence against Jews and attribute it to something else. That must be what enlightened people do – ignore my actual words about ridding Palestine of the filthy Jew …

By Bassem Tamimi, Palestinian activist Perhaps the most persistent argument in defense of the wall that keeps us Palestinians imprisoned is that it prevents attacks on Israelis. But that contention could not be more ridiculous, because if the Zionists would simply dismantle the barrier and let us kill them, maybe we might stop killing them. …

We Palestinians have always been challenged with choosing the winning side in any strategic disagreement. That is why I strongly recommend to our brethren who hold American citizenship to be extra cautious during this presidential election, and wait to see who the clear winner is before casting their votes for that candidate. It is the …

By Ahashverosh, Emperor of Perso-Media I’m an accomplished man. You don’t get to rule a vast empire – from India to Ethiopia, as they say, a hundred-twenty-seven provinces – without political and economic acumen. I’ve got that in spades. Naturally, a person of achievement such as myself attracts envy and enmity. It’s par for the …

By John Kerry, US Secretary of State President Putin, the time has come for a fateful decision. Either you want to pursue a resolution of the Syrian conflict by diplomatic means, or you do not. But whichever choice you make, know that if you choose war, I will see no choice but to threaten to …

By Shimon Peres Oh look, I’m dead now. That’s a relief. Yes, it’s sad and disappointing, but the time comes for everyone, and I’ve had more time than most. Media attention has already turned to pretentious discussion of my legacy and my vision, which is to be expected, I suppose. Let me tell you one …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority Under many circumstances I’d feel sorry for our Syrian brothers being subjected to barbaric cruelty at the hands of Assad’s air force and Russian warplanes, but these are not those circumstances. Not when their suffering dwarfs ours to the point that our yelling at every turn about Israeli actions just …

By Melody Connors, USA Today reader The news coming out of Syria is heartbreaking. All those suffering people, including children, denied basic necessities and care because of a bombing by Assad-backing-Russian jets. When is the world going to wake up and… wait, hold on a second… what’s this other news item… WHAT THE HELL DO …

By Carly Morrison, Feminist Activist

By Ann Coulter It upsets me, to put it mildly, that every Republican candidate in this debate, without exception, felt it necessary to proclaim their commitment to Israel’s security, as if the issue carries such electoral importance in a country where Jews account for less than half a percent of the population. But I have to …

By Saeb Erekat Silly lion. Of course you can change the past. We do it constantly. You think I stick with only one story about my origins? I have several. The documented evidence, of course, says the tribe that produced me came from Arabia to what is now Jordan and the Levant in the middle …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority It’s been more than ten years since the last time local elections were held in the Palestinian Authority, and we just got dangerously close to having them happen again. That won’t do. Nothing that challenges my power and the positions of my cronies. Dodged a bullet there. So to …

By Mohammad Shtayyeh, Fatah official The sins of the Occupation continue to degrade us and make our lives miserable. The evil Zionist imperialists must be stopped, because their brutal policies do not allow us even to- hey, what’s going on? They’re building a pipeline to supply us with clean drinking water! NO! Cease that at …

By Rania Massoul, Palestinian mother of 6 Waleed, you know the rules: all chores and homework must be finished before you are allowed to play with your friends, no matter how far in advance you arranged this play date. You get cracking on that bomb, and if you finish it in time, you may go …

By Awad Shukri, stabber Being in Hell has its drawbacks, as you can well imagine. Beyond not getting seventy-two virgins, I experience the profound and abiding eternal torment of shame for my hideous choices in the material world. It’s no picnic. But I have been surprised by one discovery: there are a LOT of “lone wolf” …

By Ashraf Hakimi, Students for Justice in Palestine I’ve had enough of pro-Israel propagandists harming the Palestinian Muslim cause by taking my exact words, in context, and making them public, which results in people considering me a bigot and supporter of violence. You can’t tell the truth about me! That’s slander. The Palestinian cause will …

By George Soros Thus spake thy Lord and King George Soros: thou shalt construct for Me an Echo Chamber, of the finest pundits and plausible diversity. And the Chamber shall be 1600 cubits by 1600 cubits, that it may match My house on Pennsylvania Avenue, from which shall issue by My servants proclamations in support …

By Basher Assad, President of Syria I’ve been doing this repression thing for years and years. At first it was the not-so-subtle intimidation backed by the precedent of ruthless retaliation, but that eventually gave way to open warfare against my own people. Politicians and public figures do an awful lot of talking, but my goals …

By Saeb Erekat I have had quite enough of the Zionist trope that “Jews are from Judea; Arabs are from Arabia.” It’s nice and pat, and pretty straightforward, but it pointedly neglects the fact that my distant ancestors in Arabia were the first Palestinians. It’s not hard to comprehend: my ancestors were whoever might make …

By Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel It is an honor for you to have come all this way to betroth me as a wife for the son of your master, sir. I am prepared to make the journey, and to become married to your master’s son, and I thank you for the generous gifts for me …

By Cookie Monster People think just because me a monster, me not have sophisticated view of world. They also think because me focused on cookies, me not give due consideration to weighty issues. People make big mistake. Me have ideas that include solution to Arab-Israeli conflict. Me share those ideas momentarily, but first me want …

By Nevuzaradan, Babylonian General Men, we’re on the brink of a breakthrough. One final push today and we can breach the fortifications of Jerusalem. These Jews have given Emperor Nebuchadnezzar more than a handful’s worth of trouble for years already, and I know you’re as ready as I am to finish off this nuisance of …

By Mustafa Rehzi, ISIS Recruiter Men, we have met the enemy and they are confused. Those Western infidel pigs cannot decide whether they are at war. That makes it easier for us to plan attacks, but it diminishes some of the desired psychological impact we aim to exert. For this campaign to be effective, we …

By God Rashi, you and I have to have a word or two. This penchant of yours for submitting comments on almost every post of Mine has gotten out of hand. I’m going to have to explore the option of disabling the comments feature on all of My content. This is crazy. I know you …

By Daniel Goldberg I’ve been married three times, each one ending in divorce. I’ve had multiple other relationships before, between, and since, each one repeating and compounding the failures of all that came before it. I don’t need the orthodox Rabbinate determining for me what kind of doomed marriage I’m allowed to have. Looking back …

By The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRWA) We’ve been hearing quite a bit about some expectation that refugees be resettled in places other than the ones they left and thus be given the opportunity to start over, which prompts us to wonder: how would such so-called “asylum” allow the refugees …

By Noah, Son of Lemech When I agreed to take on the task of preserving all the land-based life in the world, I expected some difficulty. It cannot be easy to tend to countless species, to keep predators and prey apart, to dispense food and clean out stalls, to avoid getting attacked, the whole deal. …

By Donald Trump Have you all read the book of Exodus? Great Book. Terrific book. Always holds my interest. But you know, there’s one thing about the whole saga of the Exodus I don’t understand: why didn’t the Hebrews just fire Pharaoh? That’s what I’d do, in that situation. I’d just terminate the guy’s job, …

By Loretta Lynch, Attorney General There is entirely too much emotive language being used in our society’s rhetoric, especially in the aftermath of the Orlando shootings. If we are to face the myriad cultural, legal, security, and bigotry challenges with any degree of seriousness, we cannot allow ourselves to indulge in flinging around epithets whose …

By God It never ceases to amaze Me how you humans get hold of an idea and force everything else to fit that idea, no matter how bloody or unpleasant the consequences. It also amuses me to no end (I am, after all, infinite). That is why I love to play different cultures and cultural …

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President As with every other major tragedy, our task as Palestinian leaders and advocates is to tie our struggle in with the victims of the Orlando night club massacre, but in this case we have to make sure to do so in a way that does not invite the accusation that …

By Mahmoud Abbas I’m getting tired of having to reiterate our ancient claim to the land of Palestine and how it far precedes that of the Jews, so let me settle this once and for all by establishing that we have been here so long, the very Earth emerged from us, and not the other …

By Mustafa Mustashi, Ramallah schoolteacher All right, class, settle down. I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about lying, about getting caught lying, and the consequences of lying. So I want to make one thing perfectly clear to each and every one of you: the media will never accuse us Palestinians of lying. You …

By Zmiri Ben-Salu, Tribe of Simeon Oh, man, this is going to be great. Have you heard? Moses came back from Midian to tel us the LORD is going to take us out of this godforsaken place and bring us to a land flowing with milf and honey. I am SO there. Egypt has its …

By Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu The Labor Party, not to mention the Zionist Union faction and the Opposition in general, is in the throes of debate over whether Labor chief Buji Herzog should remain the leader of the Opposition – or even of his own party. It’s just so cute. I don’t know what path …

By Shelly Yechimovich, Labor Party It’s been a trying couple of weeks for the Labor Party in Israel, but we are about to put this chapter behind us, for better or for worse. As I write these words the leader of our party, Buji Herzog, has not ruled out joining the Netanyahu government, and I, for …

By Barack Obama Recent reports about Ben Rhodes, my foreign policy guru, and his alleged overselling of the Iran Deal have raised quite a few questions about my Middle East policy. To lay those questions to rest, let me be clear: the deal is about my legacy, and appeasing Iran as much as necessary to …

By Amos Schocken, Publisher Thank you for coming to this meeting, Haaretz staffers. Together we can continue to forge new paths in journalism. But we can only do so if we meet certain requirements for production and content -and today’s edition of the paper, both online and in print, contains no in-house comparisons of Israel …

By Mark Sykes, British Diplomat François? You have to see this, François. Look at the areas of the former Ottoman Empire in 2016. Look at the countries we essentially created with a swipe of the pen a hundred years ago. You see them, François? This didn’t turn out exactly as we planned, did it, mon ami? …

By Thutmose III, Ruler of Egypt We all have accidents on the roads, even the best drivers. Sometimes circumstances are simply beyond a driver’s control. Given that fact, I’m relying on the insurance company writing off the loss of my chariot fleet at the Sea of Reeds as an Act of God and deciding not …

By Tom the Shabbos Goy Officially my job here at the synagogue is caretaker, but I do more than just custodial work and landscaping. The community pays me just fine, as far as that goes, but I think I it’s time to up the ante. When the time comes this week to purchase the community’s …

By Ali Qawasmeh For years, the pitched rhetorical battle for public opinion has waged, between the supporters of freedom, liberty, human rights, and everything good, and the Zionists. Somehow the evil Zionists managed to hoodwink enough influential people into supporting them. But now that Donald Trump’s campaign, a slew of American academics, and various British …

You know what another name for a shore is? A bank. And who runs the banks? Q.E.D. You think you’re so smart. You think things work a certain way, and if you just follow the rules, everything will be OK. Well, I’m here to dispel that comfortable little illusion of yours. That seemingly innocent little …

By Sylvia Martin, Casting Director Sir, I know it’s an unusual request, and under normal circumstances I would not even have a question in this regard, but I’ve been going through the characters we have for this production and I’ve been wondering: whenever there’s a victim depicted, would it be possible to use somebody who …

By Fatima Saidi, EgyptAir Customer Service Representative Good morning, sir. How can I be of service today? Yes, I understand. Have you reviewed our refund policy? Good, good. Then let me file your request for a- oh, wait. This might not be a valid request. Sir, you didn’t select a no-hijacking seat on your flight. That …

By Anne London, Jewish cuisine expert Jerusalem, March 23 – Just in time for Purim, I’m here to share with you some Secrets of the Zionist Kitchen, the only program that uses the clandestine strategies and pursuits of the infamous Jewish cabal to improve your cooking. First, we must dispel some myths. Not all Jewish cooking …

It departs so drastically from the careful, sober management of affairs that has characterized His Majesty’s reign to date. Susa, March 17 – Your Majesty, I understand that His Excellency the High Vizier Haman ben Hamdatha has petitioned His Highness to call for the extermination of the Jews throughout the realm in a single day, but I …

PreOccupied Territory caught up with the Almighty Creator and Ruler of the Universe, and chatted with Him about everything from societal trends to questions of epic historical significance. The following is condensed from the full-length interview. PT: Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview. We understand it’s not an everyday thing, considering the myriad concerns …

By Saeb Erekat Ramallah, March 8 – We Palestinians are a strong, independent people with no need to rely on the illegitimate, sullied hand of Israel to achieve anything. Now give us everything, Israel, or the resulting collapse of the Palestinian Authority will be all your fault. The noble cause of Palestinian sovereignty, the removal …

By Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader, Islamic Republic of Iran Tehran, March 3 – Barack Obama has ten months left in office. Much can happen in that time, but he has been a stalwart ally in reshaping American policy in the Middle East in our favor, despite our lack of formal diplomatic ties. His felicitousness …

The obstacles are formidable enough without your banshee impression. Jerusalem, February 28 – Ma’am, how is anybody supposed to accomplish anything with you yelling like that at the top of your lungs? I’m trying to stab as many Jews as possible before I get shot, and I can’t concentrate properly with you wailing. This isn’t …

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President When I signed a slew of international treaties last year, making a big show of Palestinian legitimacy on the international stage, I had one more thing in mind: using those treaties as cudgels with which to strike Israel. It is by now a trope that Palestinian violations of international agreements …

By Luke Baker, Reuters I seem to have misplaced my shoehorn. That’s going to make it more difficult to force the story I have to report to fit the familiar assumptions of Israel-bad, Palestinians-good. Not impossible, mind you, but more difficult. Do you happen to have a shoehorn you can spare, just for an hour …

By Barack Obama In the space of less than a year, my administration has successfully shaken longstanding commitments to the security and integrity of three US allies in the Middle East: Israel, Saudi Arabia and Turkey. Does anyone know if there are other such allies I can alienate in the eleven months I have left …

By Falestin Masri, age 13 Mother, you’re being completely unreasonable. All I want to do is go out with a sharp implement and impale as many Jews as possible, but you insist I finish my homework and chores first. That just won’t work – we both know by the time I finish there won’t be …

By the BBC, Guardian, NY Times, Associated Press, Reuters, Agence France-Presse, Times of London, CNN, CBS News, Globe and Mail, Independent, and Los Angeles Times Responsible journalists know that jumping to conclusions about the causes of an event only muddies the picture. That is why our organizations and others operating in the Israel-Palestine theater eschew direct …

By Al Jebra, arithmetic teacher, Yasser Arafat Elementary School, Hebron I’ve been an arithmetic teacher here in Hebron for seven years. I’ve eminently qualified to stand before my students in that classroom down the hall and impart to them the basics of the operations, symbols, and principles of the field. So I’m having trouble trying …

By Duncan Lamaar, antisemitic conspiracy theorist I’ve had it with you people who can’t see the reality staring them in the face. You keep living in your delusional world, until it comes crashing down and destroys your precious bubble of denial. A sober look at the facts demonstrates beyond doubt that some things can only be …

By Mahmoud Abbas Balance is the key to the successful conduct of any enterprise. Give too much weight to only one set of interests, and the entire project will be in jeopardy. For us Palestinians, the challenge since at least the 1960’s has been to kill as many Jews as we can, but not so …

By Tzemah ben Zera, Tribe of Dan The Lord’s provision of food for our multitudes here in the wilderness on a daily basis is nothing short of miraculous. I will be the first to acknowledge His manifest care and attention to our needs in this fraught time. I need to know, however, whether this amazing …

By Zehava Gal-On, Meretz Chairwoman Israeli democracy is in danger as we speak. Liberal voices are being silenced, and the surest way to let the public know about it is to trumpet the fact that we’re being silenced, via every newspaper, news site, radio station, TV news program, and social media channel. The danger is real. …

By Akru Walbaissis, CPA, Palestinian Tax Authority The calendar already says 2016, but for us accountants, the work on 2015 has barely begun. If you haven’t filed the proper documentation for the bribes or kickbacks you gave Fatah officials last year, you should get cracking. There’s still time to record bribes, extortion payments, kickbacks, blood …

By Dr. Simeon Hazir, Nephrologist, Ichilov Hospital It’s time for the Palestinian leadership to make up its mind: either we Jews are harvesting the organs of the terrorists we kill, or we’re the descendants of apes and pigs. The two are mutually exclusive from a medical standpoint. So I wish they would make up their …

By former Prime Minster Ehud Olmert I said my piece today in court about my innocence, and about how I will respect the High Court’s rulings on my impending prison sentences. My legal team is examining what further options we have, but it comes down to this: whom do I have to bribe to get …

By the European Union The legislation approved by Israel’s cabinet yesterday, requiring that NGOs receiving more than half their finding from foreign governments be marked as such in all their dealings in the Knesset, violates a central principle of democracy: only we, the European Union, are allowed to require that anything be marked based on its …

By Donald Trump, terrific, amazing billionaire We have to make America great again. Vote for me to become president and we’ll get there faster than you can say, “Multiple bankruptcies.” It’ll be amazing. You’ll never need to pee again. Only immigrants and terrorists need to pee. Real Americans can control themselves. That’s what upset me …

By Ahmad Al-Hajj Nobody ever said marriage was easy. Even in a male-dominated, patriarchal society such as ours, there is no substitute for a romantic relationship with a woman who chooses to love you despite – or perhaps because of – your shortcomings. And the shortcomings I always blame on Israel, so I don’t have to …

*especially of Jews By Western Europe If there is one thing Europe has learned from its bloody history, it is the supreme value of tolerance. Centuries of near-constant warfare, fed by religion, ethnicity, politics, and competition finally grew so destructive that we have been forced to reassess our traditional biases, and rearrange our priorities. Tolerance …

By Jeremy Ben-Ami, director, J-Street You’ve heard me say it many times, and you’ve seen our publicity campaigns: we’re a pro-peace, pro-Israel organization. In practice, that means we suborn our idea of “pro -Israel” to our idea of “peace.” To us, peace means removing Jews from their ancestral heartland so Palestinians can get what we …

By Jodi Rudoren, NY Times Jerusalem Bureau Chief It’s been a challenging, exhilarating, fulfilling stint here at the Jerusalem bureau, and I’m grateful for all of you who helped make my time here so wonderful. It is a bittersweet departure for me, and not only because I’m leaving behind such fantastic people, but also because …

By Nabil Shaath, Palestinian Official The attacks on Israelis over the last two months have served two purposes: one, to resist the ongoing Occupation by any means possible; and two, to educate the next generation in a primary tool of political discourse necessary to create the society we want once we achieve real independence for the …

By Suha Jabbari, 17 Dad, I want to go perform a heroic martyrdom operation and kill some pig Jews. What’s the best implement to use so I make sure to do the most dam- I mean, so that when the Israelis plant it on me it doesn’t look like I was a pathetic victim? I …

By Ali Mustafa, Daesh fighter I don’t know how many times we have to say why we want to kill you infidels before you finally take us at our word. Your seeming inability to comprehend why we want to kill you when we make no bones about exactly why we want to kill you is …

By Sarah Schulman, LGBTQ and Palestinian Rights Activist Progressives have to stick together, and must take care not to become hyper-focused only on their respective areas of concern. Progressivism is an attitude that does not lend itself to fragmented endeavors. All progressive causes are related and interdependent. That is why I have decided that once my …

By Bassem Tamimi, Palestinian Activist President Abbas asserted to the United Nations General Assembly several weeks ago what we all know to be true: that ours is a culture of peace. It might sometimes appear otherwise, since we engage in so much violence, but believe me: if there existed some way to express our displeasure …

By Kenny McCormick, South Park You Jews have got it tough. You’ve been persecuted. Enslaved. Massacred. Impoverished. Slandered. Dehumanized. And precious few people seem to care, if at all. Nevertheless, you’ll have to excuse me for not rushing to show compassion or to protect you, because I’m a little bit caught up in my own …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority Ramallah, November 1 – Islamic societies naturally have different cultural touchstones from those of the West, given their vastly different origins. I nevertheless appreciate some of the Western cultural phenomena despite their foreignness, and my favorite has long been dressing up as the scariest thing one can manage …

By Saeb Erekat It takes very little observation to realize that the Palestinian approach to the conflict with Israel – and, let’s face it, with the Jews – follows the Zero Sum Game dynamic. One side is either absolutely in the right or absolutely in the wrong. There is no room for nuance. Our position …

By François Hollande, President of France Soon the United Nations Security Council will consider a French proposal to place international peacekeepers at the Temple Mount/Haram al-Sharif to maintain order and reduce tensions. While opposition to such a move is formidable even among the parties to the conflict, I wish to reassure them and the rest …

By John Kirby, State Department Spokesman As a former rear admiral in the US Navy and a PR and media relations officer for many years, I’ve faced my share of policies and activities that were a challenge to explain and support. But nothing in my career prepared for the level of hypocrisy I’m supposed to …

By Ayman Odeh, Head, Joint Arab List Tensions over the Haram al-Sharif – that’s the so-called Temple Mount to those Jews – have only been increasing of late, so the responsible thing for political leaders to do right now is to de-escalate. The best way to accomplish that is a provocative act of defiance and …

By Mahmoud al-Zahar, Hamas Official You Western people talk a lot about religious tolerance, but everyone knows it’s nothing but a sham. You show absolutely no consistency when it comes to the religious rights of Muslims, such as their right to live in a Jew-free world. Hypocrites. If the West genuinely cared about religious freedom, …

By Azazel the Goat Jerusalem, 10 Tishrei – It’s Yom Kippur, which means those Jews in their temple are doing that atonement thing. And it means I lucked out, because that other goat was just selected as an offering for the LORD, and I get to wear this red string on my horns and go …

By Oded Shahar, Ynet Intern Pardon me, Mr. Home Page Editor? It’s Oded, Oded Shahar – I just started as an intern here last week, and, well – I just need to know as a general rule, is four images of Bar Refaeli enough for one day’s material on the home page? I’m asking, obviously, …

By Jodi Rudoren, NY Times Jerusalem Bureau Chief Journalism is both a challenging and rewarding profession. While my responsibilities as bureau chief require me to engage in almost as much management of people as of stories, I still get to write. Writing presents challenges of its own, and I relish those challenges, but foremost among …

By Saeb Erekat, Palestinian Negotiator It’s great to feel like the world has your back, it really is. International support has sustained the Palestinian cause for several generations now, and we appreciate it. But I must admit it’s a mite unsettling that without fail, whenever we put forth some grievance we have against the Occupation, …

By Binyamin Netanyahu Many a reputation has been sullied by the release of the e-mail addresses from the extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison. I, however, refuse to let the list define my character: The content of that database notwithstanding, I hereby deny, with all necessary rhetorical force, that my e-mail address was not in it. …

By Hillary Clinton It’s a decisive time in American politics, and I don’t just mean the Iran Deal. The Democratic primary race is heating up, and I hardly need tell you that certain issues are going to keep cropping up, like a game of whack-a-mole. One of those is the missing e-mails from my time …

By John Kerry I travel a lot. When a man travels a lot, he’s bound to leave things in various places. Once I left my good razor in Saigon, and a couple of pairs of dress socks in Beijing. I’m pretty sure I brought all my clothes and toiletries back from the nuclear talks in …

By The British Broadcasting Corporation Our job as one of the world’s most venerable, reputable news organizations is to use our judgement to determine what events our worthy of your attention, and, in the process, to arrive at an assessment of what reports are reliable. For example, in the case of the fatal arson in …

By MK Michal Rozin, Meretz Esteemed colleagues, fellow Members of Knesset, and Mr. Speaker – thank you for allowing me to speak. Like everyone else who has addressed the plenum today, I’ve come to stress a message of universal brotherhood and the need to heal our destructive divisions. The first thing we must do is …

By Basher Assad, President, Republic of Syria The ferocity and swiftness of international opprobrium directed at that Minnesota dentist who killed a protected lion in Africa drives home an important lesson for my stewardship of this country: I’m glad I didn’t kill that lion, because if I had, boy would people hate me! I do …

By Publius Aeoliua Hadrianus Caesar, Emperor of Rome It is not often that a political and military leader of the mighty Roman empire sees eye to eye with the inhabitants of the barbarous areas beyond the mighty Legions’ reach. But indeed, what we are seeing is nothing less than broad agreement that it is necessary …

By Amnesty International We human rights organizations bear a tremendous responsibility when it comes to exposing and publicizing information on the situation in conflict zones. That is why Amnesty set clear rules and goals for its data gathering and analysis processes. We do not always achieve those goals, but the unmet goals still serve as …

By Moshe Kahlon, Minister of Finance Let me get this straight: you want me to worry about affordable housing, the cost of living, defense expenditures, struggling Holocaust survivors, fiscal responsibility, and a crumbling health care system, while none of that is going to matter in a few years when Iran gets the bomb? Get real. …

By Palestinian Prime Minister Rami Hamdallah Ramallah, July 10 – It is time to put to rest the notion that the Palestinian Authority suppresses free speech. Palestinians under President Mahmoud Abbas’s rule are free to say anything, criticize anyone, as long as the sentiments have been approved by Abbas’s officials. Reports of Palestinians arrested by …

By Flitter the Roach Under the Fridge, July 6 – You humans are right to be worked up about Iran’s nuclear ambitions, but only if you insist on your anthropocentric view. We cockroaches have no problem with a nuclear Iran. Or North Korea. Or Pakistan. A nuclear holocaust is no threat to OUR genus. Inspections …

By Prisoner 3445509 Yoo hoo! Excuse me! Mr. guard? Over here, yes, the second cell from the end. Thank you for these rations. They look nourishing. But you know, I avoid gluten. Would it be possible to get something not made of grain? Thanks! Listen, I know you’re a busy man, and this might not …

It would have to be a real hands-on leader, a person who revels in leading by example. By Mor-Tal Koyle At some point we’re just going to have to accept that haters will be haters and that the desecration of Jewish graves is all but inevitable. Law enforcement has proved either ineffective or unwilling, and …

By the BDS Movement Our words could be no clearer on the subject: we do not hate Jews. Yet for some reason, people insist on looking at more than just those words – as if other things we say could possibly be relevant to the conversation – and discovering we’ve said some pretty nasty things …

The US Congress is considering a sweeping anti-BDS law. I must give credit where credit is due: Omar, we couldn’t have done this without you. By Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu Now is as good a time to let it be known as any: BDS movement leader Omar Barghouti is one of our boys. Usually the …

By Saeb Erekat, Chief Palestinian Negotiator In 2015, one should not have to point out racist behavior that should have disappeared long ago. I should not need to call people’s attention to racism, since they should, by now, have grown sensitive to it on their own. That is why I feel both regret and frustration that …

Just keep plugging away at that message, invoking fascism every time the Right does anything, keeping the focus off our own antidemocratic machinations. By Aluf Benn, Editor-in-Chief, Haaretz If Binyamin Netanyahu thinks he gets to take the lead in determining this country’s future just because his got the most votes in a free and …

by Ed Miliband and Isaac Herzog Both of our countries witnessed hard-fought national elections this year, elections that featured a striking similarity: in both cases, opinion polls leading up to the voting indicated the results were too close to call, with Labour holding perhaps a slight edge – only to discover on Election Day that …

By Garry Trudeau, cartoonist People trying to defend Charlie Hebdo’s artists on free speech grounds might have an argument, but the exercise of free expression carries responsibility. One may not abuse that right just to offend a persecuted minority – which is why I pose the question: with the Nazis out of power and long ago …

By Tim Willcox, British Broadcasting Corporation The last Nazi concentration camp was liberated seventy years ago, but judging from contemporary rhetoric, one would think the atrocities occurred just last week. Social progress will never happen if our society is mired in the past, which is why our news organization firmly believes that we must lay the …

By Saeb Erekat, Palestinian Negotiator The key to Israeli-Palestinian peace lies with the people, not with the politicians. A stable, lasting accord must be based in mutual respect for the other’s sovereignty and human dignity. That is why those descendants of apes and pigs must cease their dehumanization campaign against the Palestinian people. Whether or …

By Jesus of Nazareth Dudes, you got me. That has got to be one of the best practical jokes in history. I’m not above admitting when I’ve been positively owned. Driving spikes through my appendages just so you could call these several days ‘Holey’ Week? Nailed. Just nailed it. Kudos. There I was, minding everybody …

If any members of the press wish to discuss the ongoing misery of the Palestinian people, feel free to visit me on my new 60-foot beauty. By Saeb Erekat, Palestinian negotiator Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu’s decision to finally release the tax revenue Israel collects for the Palestinian Authority is certainly an important step in reducing …

It simply does not add up. Certainly not to six million. Maybe a few hundred thousand. But I digress. By Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas Prejudice is a terrible thing, as I need not inform you. We all know what happens when we let our preconceived assumptions govern our reactions to others based not on the …

By Ali Jabari, contractor It isn’t just the thousands of residents of the Gaza Strip who are frustrated at the lack of progress over reconstruction after last summer’s war. My fellow building contractors and I also feel vexed at being denied the opportunity to scam homeowners out of their money. The ways in which a …

By US Secretary of State John Kerry The hullabaloo surrounding Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s speech to Congress this past week provides just the latest example of the misguided assumptions governing discourse of a developing agreement with Iran over its nuclear program. The heightened rhetoric obscures one very basic fact: there will be plenty of …

By the Rest of Israel The rhetoric surrounding Bibi Netanyahu’s scheduled speech to the US Congress about Iran’s nuclear program represents just one more little storm obscuring one important detail: most Israelis want Tel Aviv to get nuked. Let’s just be straightforward about it. The place is a moral train wreck with a stifling inferiority complex. …

By Shelly Davis, Passport Documentation Processing Clerk, US Postal Service OK, Mr. The Prophet, thank you for submitting your application. Let me see the form…good, nice to see you wrote clearly. Alright, all the information is there. Did you remember two passport photos? Great, let’s have a look…oh, no. I’m sorry, Mr. The Prophet, but these …

You’ve always been a bunch of troublemakers. By US President Barack Obama You have to have a thick skin to succeed in politics. The higher you rise, the thicker that skin must be, so as you can imagine, I’ve developed a certain toughness, a certain tolerance for criticism. Unless it comes from you Jews. Then …

By Gad the Levite We just witnessed a miraculous salvation – the LORD split the Sea of Reeds and left dry land through which we passed, and then drowned the Egyptian cavalry behind us. Of course we burst forth in inspired song – well, most of us. Some of us can’t carry a tune, and are …

By Federica Mogherini, High Representative of the European Union for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy The civilized world’s reaction to the shootings in Paris several weeks ago led to some important soul-searching among Western leaders and thinkers: while the attacks are certainly worthy of condemnation, they must nevertheless prompt us to consider the legitimate grievances of …

By Don Black, Founder and Webmaster, Stormfront.org It’s not everyday that a grassroots operation such as ours lands a veteran personality from the mainstream media. But this organization is both pleased and proud to welcome Mr. Jim Clancy as a regular contributor to our site’s content, now that the Zionist pigs have pressured CNN into …

By Saeb Erekat The mainstream media are missing the point of the recent shooting attacks in France. It isn’t about rising Islamism, or the failure to integrate hundreds of thousands of Muslim immigrants. It isn’t about the availability of guns, or even about the apparent incompatibility of liberal values with Islam. It’s really about Jewish …

By Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas A strong, robust democracy is what Palestine needs, and genuine rule of law. That’s why I am spearheading an effort to get my four-year term as president to extend at least twelve years; one can only accomplish a limited amount of law-upholding and democracy-robustifying in four years. As I look …

By Hassan Yousef, Hamas Leader The leadership of Hamas announced yesterday that it does not support Mahmoud Abbas’s effort to get the UN Security Council to endorse a Palestinian State, since the move “does not represent the consensus of Palestinians.” This remains broadly true, but I must stress that I, personally, speak for a large …

By Mahmoud A-Zahar, Hamas Spokesman Our organization gets a lot of bad press about how we discriminate against various populations: women, Christians, whoever. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The truth is that we offer equal opportunity for anyone to achieve eternal life and bliss by killing Jews. No one is excluded from this …

By Alfred Nobel Wait, wait, run that by me again: the Norwegian Nobel Committee awarded my flagship prize to a lifelong terrorist? If I weren’t dead already I’d die from shock. You folks evidently have no idea what you’re doing. Yeah, to you that’s old news. It happened in 1994. So kill me. I’ve been …

By Yitzhak Rabin Legacies are complicated things. The very idea that the teachings to be gleaned from the departed can be captured in a succinct fashion contradicts the complexity and nuance of his life and the lessons to draw from it, but I will say this: my legacy appears to be people fighting over who gets to define …

By Indy Saisev Judaism is usually pretty specific about when to do what. All you have to do is look in a book or two and you have your answer. So I’m finding it both troubling and confusing that no one seems to know when you’re supposed to take down the sukkah. My teachers were …

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President I have said it before and I shall say it again: all Palestinians desire to become holy martyrs in the struggle for our land. Well, all Palestinians except us, the ones in power. Let’s be honest here. The fight for justice and our dignity is our national goal, and everyone with a …

By Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas My office issued a condemnation of the killings in Jerusalem yesterday, almost as soon as I heard about them. It was important that the world see that announcement, in English, so that it would be clear what position the Palestinian people are taking on the public stage. What the world …

By The European Union The recent spate of antisemitic violence in France is deplorable, as were the various attacks on Jews in Belgium and elsewhere over the last several months. But it would be irresponsible and malicious to say that Europe as a whole remains antisemitic – we haven’t had a Holocaust here in almost …

By US Secretary of State John Kerry The people of Israel have the sympathy of the United States government as they face mounting tension and violence. But responding to that violence by placing concrete blocks at train stations only creates facts on the ground that make a negotiated solution to the conflict more difficult to …

By Mustafa Abu Bakr, Muslim Immigrant to Sweden Cynics will point to Sweden’s recognition of the State of Palestine this week and accuse Stockholm of pandering to the country’s large and growing Muslim population. To which we Muslims say: you’re not being cynical enough. The fact is, no amount of anti-Israel rhetoric, policy, or politicking …

It’s been several weeks into this dark journey aimed at preserving all animal life on land, and I’m having second thoughts over this decision to allow entry to certain species of stinging insects. Creatures aboard my ark are barred from reproducing, with the amount of food limited to basic survival needs. The Anopheles mosquito, which uses …

By US Secretary of State John Kerry You Israelis are so hypersensitive. You overreact to every little distortion, every little indication that I’ve swallowed the big Palestinian lie hook, line, and sinker. But you should save your bile for when I make pronouncements far more offensive than attributing the threat of the Islamic State to …

By Omar Barghouti Critics of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel miss the point when they accuse us of hypocrisy or inconsistency by challenging us over our peculiar choice of Israel when far worse abuses of human rights take place in many other places. The point is not to confront immoral regimes with a …

By The Lord Your God The morning after the Day of Atonement, you’re feeling pretty good abut yourself. Yesterday was tough, but you managed to get through the fast, to make a sincere attempt at changing for the better, and maybe even to put some real fervor into your prayers. You might even have felt …

Washington, September 29 – So is it a war? The US bombed Syria? Finally! Wait, what? Not Assad? OK, we’re officially confused.

By the International Zionist Conspiracy The twenty-first century is a pretty complex place. The world is teeming with more than seven billion souls, with international and domestic crises to manage absolutely everywhere. As you can imagine, the level of International Zionist Conspiracy involvement has never been higher, but the sheer number of events going on …

By Ray Rice, Baltimore Ravens Running Back I’m as shocked as the next guy over the video of me beating up my wife: since when do the media blame anyone but Israel when dark-skinned people suffer? We just went through a month-and-a-half war between Israel and Hamas, and one of the recurring themes was that …

By Zahava Gal-On, Meretz You’re not going to hear this from your right-wing government, but as a member of the Opposition it’s my job to confront everyone with the unpleasant truth: despite the Allies’ superior military capacity, there is no military solution to the Nazi conquest of Europe. I am aware of the indignance this …

Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington Beheading is a brutal method of execution, as I well know. Especially if performed improperly. But insult is a more grievous offense. It therefore injures me, in ways that an axe can no longer, to witness the cavalier use of beheadings in Iraq and Syria, as if declaring that any respectable execution would …

By Mahmoud A-Zahar, Hamas Leader Zionist leader Binyamin Netanyahu tried to get the West to believe that the murderous, brutal Islamic State in Iraq and Syria is cut from the same cloth as our noble Resistance. I am here to tell you that such an analogy misses the mark egregiously, because the two organizations are …

By the Hamas Charter If I have one complaint about all the people outside the Middle East and their support for Palestinians based on liberal Western values, it would be: have you even read me? I didn’t think so. I know I’ll sound much older when I say this – I’m only 26 – but …

By Baudelaire Ndong Ella, President, United Nations Human Rights Council I do wish all those people criticizing the UNHRC for its important work would understand that we are first and foremost a human rights council. We’re a rights council run by humans. As such, we are not perfect. We cannot ignore all massacres and atrocities at once. …

By Khaled Mashal You’ll have to pardon me for quoting a Jew, but it’s good to be the king. Our efforts to control the flow of information out of the Gaza Strip have been more successful than we’d imagined. Not only did Western reporters fail to let their readers and viewers know they were being …

By Muhammad Dieff, Kassam Brigades You’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating: as one man, the noble residents of the Gaza Strip wish for nothing more than to become martyrs in the holy struggle to liberate our holy land from the clutches of the accursed Zionists. That’s 1.8 million potential Shahids. Which means we’re …

By Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey We in the Garden State are strong supporters of Israel. That’s especially the case when Republicans, such as me, are in charge. So we don’t need much convincing of Israel’s right to defend herself, and we’re kind of tickled by the argument that if New Jersey launched rockets …

By Vladimir Putin People are ask me why am support Israel right to defend self against Gaza terrorists while encourage and arm Ukraine separatists. Answer is simple: Ukraine separatists patriots with desire to breathe free air. Gaza terrorists bunch of murderous, corrupt fanatics. Dangerous people, threaten international air travel. World cannot stand by and letting …

By Khaled Mashal How evil do we have to be for the international community to realize we’re little more than a bunch of murderous thugs? For crying out loud, we use our OWN children as human shields! Does this not strike you as a little bit odd? Have you not noticed that the logic of human …

By Mom I know we’re spending more of our time than usual in the bomb shelter, but let me be clear: this war does not exempt you from cleaning your room, young man. I will hear no more arguments. Yes, there is tension in the air, and the very real possibility of getting injured, or …

By US President Barack Obama The continuing rocket fire against Israeli communities is intolerable and must cease. If it does not, I will have no choice but to wear an unpleased facial expression. I have already called on Israel to act with restraint, thus discharging my obligation to minimize with my rhetoric the value of …

By Vizzini Let me put it this way: ever heard of Kerry? Clinton? Carter? Morons. The whole western approach to the Arab-Israeli conflict is based on the erroneous assumption that the Jewish State should have secure borders and the ability to defend itself. The Peace Process has become, like being hired to start a war, …

By Hassan Amir, refugee from Mosul, Iraq My family was displaced last week when soldiers from the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant swept in. As Shiites, we’re persona non grata under these Sunni fanatics, so we have nowhere to go at this point but Jordan. We’re refugees. And we’re getting precious little help …

By Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas Look, I’m sorry. You guys caught a tough break when Hamas kidnapped those three teenagers, but you can’t come barging in here to try to find them. You have to let them slowly rot as we pay lip service to getting them released, all the while leveraging the situation for …

By MK Hanin Zoabi I know I’ve done part of my job by denying that the kidnappers of the three missing Israeli boys should be called terrorists. The question is whether that goes far enough: should I only make excuses for the kidnappers, or should I actually demonize the victims by calling them a bunch …

By Ismail Haniyeh You hear all sorts of ridiculous arguments when it comes to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Passions run high, and in service of what they perceive to be a noble cause, some partisans do a disservice to history. It’s spurious to argue that Palestinians have a prior claim to Palestine because they are descended …

By Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al-Qaeda Leader I’ve been looking through PreOccupied Territory, but I find that it lacks one important feature: a “feedback” or “contact us” link that would enable my organization or its affiliates to threaten violent death to the site personnel, since the site publishes material that can be construed as portraying our stream of …

By the MV Mavi Marmara It’s getting old, people. Face it: nobody cares about the stupid Palestinians in the Gaza Strip. Least of all their leaders. So stop trying to organize “freedom” flotillas for people who would be just fine if their government would stop using them as blackmail fodder. They are just as much …

By Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, Prime Minister, Republic of Turkey In the internet age it’s easier than ever to spread rumors of secret cabals manipulating major events, and to find a receptive audience for those rumors. That’s why we need to be extra vigilant, because the Jews spread those conspiracy theories so they can control your …

By Martin Indyk There’s a very simple reason my team has been trying to blame Israel primarily for the recent breakdown of negotiations with the Palestinians: we can’t expect guilt to attach to Arabs, who are nonwhite and therefore not responsible for their decisions. Only white people have free will. Since Arabs, as nonwhites, lack …

By Kenneth Roth, Executive Director, Human Rights Watch It’s time to lay all the cards out on the table: our organization fights tirelessly for the rights of all humans, regardless of national origin, religious belief, sexual orientation, and myriad other factors that have been unjustly used to discriminate. The simple reason that we give short …

By Jeremy Ben-Ami, Executive Director, J-Street I must say I’m disappointed that the Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations voted against allowing J-Street to gain membership. It would have provided an opportunity to force our agenda onto an Israeli public that has repeatedly voted for governments opposed to our ideas. But since when has …

By Jeremy Ben-Ami, J Street Executive Director We’ve gotten so used to associating support for Israel with support for Israel’s right to exist that it no longer occurs to us to wonder whether that must be the case. My organization exists for the express purpose of putting forth the notion that you can be pro-Israel …

By Hezbollah Leader Hassan Nasrallah There’s no higher goal than resisting Israeli occupation. And there’s no better way to resist Israeli occupation than by replacing it with effective Iranian occupation. My organization exerts most of its efforts trying to keep Lebanon under Lebanese sovereignty, fending off the colonialist forces of the Zionists by surrendering Lebanese …

By Yasser Arafat It’s been what, almost ten years now, and you’re still going on about what sinister forces conspired to assassinate me by whatever nefarious means? Get a life. I’ve got my own widow claiming I was poisoned, some Israeli quack insisting it was AIDS, my own physicians diagnosing me with gastroenteritis, and everyone …

By Barack Obama Most presidents are concerned with their legacy. Not this one. I started my presidency with the world’s most prestigious peace prize already under my belt, and had nothing to prove. That means no pretense of caring about really trying to solve your stupid conflict. Eat it, suckers. A prudent president might rein …

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian Authority President The time just is not right for a comprehensive peace deal between us and Israel. Even if it is, you won’t see me signing it. When that happens, I plan to be six feet under. Committing to the end of the conflict would mean a host of changes, none …

By Adolf Hitler I’m as anti-Jew as the next Nazi, but stop saying Israel commits genocide against the Palestinians. Calling anything Israel does to the Palestinians “genocide” is a slap in the face to those of us who devoted years of our lives and our entire political careers to actual genocide. I’m tired of hearing …

By the Palestinian Centre For Human Rights When a rocket kills a Palestinian child, there is only one important question we rights organizations ask: who fired the weapon? Only if the answer is Israel do we then examine the myriad ways in which various Palestinian human rights have been violated. It’s a real time-saver. Once …

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian Authority President The American-sponsored negotiations between us and Israel reached a stalemate long ago, with neither side budging on what many are calling the “core issues.” Those include arrangements for Palestinian refugees, borders, the status of Jerusalem and its holy sites, and the removal of Israeli settlers from whatever areas necessary. …

By Filippo Grandi, Commissioner-General, United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East As the head of UNRWA, I oversee a vast operation to help Palestinians exercise their rights, and one of those rights is denying that Jews have rights. Let’s start with the facts. My agency is tasked by UN …

By PreOccupied Territory Staff A January 27th Article entitled, “UN Insecurity Council Denounces Self” quoted an expert as characterizing the Council as troubled by issues of self-confidence, self-deception, and hypocrisy. It should also have included comical self-aggrandizement. In the January 29th article, “Saudi Arabia Outlaws Women,” the reporter failed to mention a provision of the …

By Saeb Erekat, Palestinian negotiator The struggle against Israel is essentially a struggle for public opinion. There’s no question the best way to capture public opinion is to sabotage agreements we made with Israel and then blame Israel for the inevitable negative consequences. Works every time. The procedure is pretty simple: we make an agreement …

By Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un As I hardly need tell you, North Korea is not Israel. We’re not Jewish, so it takes a lot more for us to get your attention. It would be different if we were Israel. People actually seem to care what happens when Jews defy international opinion, but it takes …

By the Swedish Chef I em a strung sooppurter ooff a tvu-stete-a peece-a. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Joos, hefeeng sooffffered fur must ooff zeeur heestury es a meenurity, cunnut, es a mejureety noo in zeeur stete-a, keep zeeur buuts oon zee heeds ooff zee Pelesteeniuns in zee ooccoopeeed Vest Bunk uny lunger. Hurty flurty schnipp …

By US Secretary of State John Kerry You Israelis have done a wonderful job building up the place. It would certainly be unfortunate if something bad happened to it. Hey, I’m not threatening. I’m just telling you, there are plenty of unpleasant folks about, and while I don’t exactly support their agenda, I must confess …

By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian Authority President Binyamin Netanyahu has once again raised a non-starter of an idea: let the Israeli settlers remain in their settlements after the land is transferred to the emerging state of Palestine. Of course we Palestinians must reject that. What kind of Arab country would we be if we allowed Jews …

By Iver Mikhshol, Municipal Sign Approval Commission No storefront business is complete without an attractive sign out front. And no such business will open in this town unless it contains at least one glaring error in English. Guaranteed! Municipal law requires all businesses to get approval for any sign they want to put up. And …

By Mahmoud Abbas, President of the Palestinian Authority The violations of dignity to which Israel subjects us Palestinians daily are hardly news. But perhaps pointing one one more humiliation will finally transform the world’s outrage into action: those Israeli soldiers are so racist they won’t even rape Palestinian women. That’s right: we are so subhuman …