Tel Aviv, August 16 – Israeli intelligence operatives confirmed today that they have entered the advanced phase of a long-running psychological operation designed to determine the precise upper limit of Candace Owens’ capacity for increasingly baroque conspiracy theories surrounding the assassination of Charlie Kirk.
A senior Mossad official, speaking on condition of anonymity because the agency’s standard policy is never to confirm or deny anything while simultaneously confirming it through carefully leaked absurdities, said the experiment has already surpassed all prior benchmarks, and that a parallel effort involving Jake Shields shows similar promise.
“We started conservatively,” the official explained. “A few Israeli-registered cellphones near the campus, a gentle suggestion that the widow might have been a long-term asset, the classic ‘he was about to turn on us’ motive. Standard fare. But she kept escalating. Trap doors. Underground tunnels. Exploding microphones. French involvement. Egyptian planes. The idea that Tyler Robinson was only a spotter who wasn’t even on campus. At this point we’re basically free-associating and she’s still matching us move for move.”
Other sources inside the operation describe a rotating team of analysts who monitor Owens’s podcast and social media in real time, then introduce the next layer of nonsense via anonymous tips, carefully planted online breadcrumbs, or simply by remaining silent and watching her fill the vacuum. One operative reportedly won an internal contest by proposing that Kirk had been replaced by a body double years earlier and that the real Charlie is currently living under an assumed name in a kibbutz while writing a memoir about time travel.
A public Israeli denial last year is now understood within the agency as Phase One of the test: the more emphatic the official rejection, the more vigorously certain corners of the online right insist it proves Israeli culpability. “Classic reverse psychology,” one internal analyst noted. “Works every time. We’re thinking of having the prime minister deny that Israel controls the weather next, just to see what happens. And Candace’s mispronunciations of ordinary English words never ceases to amuse.”
Turning Point USA staff and Erika Kirk have repeatedly denounced the speculation, which the Mossad team regards as an unhelpful variable. “When the actual people involved keep pointing out that all the evidence points to the guy who confessed, left a note, and whose DNA is on the rifle, it risks collapsing the experiment,” the official said. “We’re considering leaking a theory that they’re the ones who ordered the hit to make the conspiracy theorists look ridiculous. Meta-levels are always popular.”
As of this morning, Owens has yet to declare that Kirk was killed by a directed-energy weapon fired from a satellite controlled jointly by Mossad and the French first lady, who Owens has asserted is actually a man. Agency analysts are optimistic that threshold will be crossed before the end of the month.
Please support our work through Patreon. Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL