The Ministry of Environmental Protection described the wafer filling as “almost, but not completely, unlike lemon.”

Some look forward to the traditional ritual of tossing defeated rivals off of Gaza rooftops.

The younger brother dismissed the move as “aggression” and accused him of disproportionate response.

“This will be an even bigger success than the tariffs.”

“You’re pretending not to understand because you’re being paid. Or blackmailed.”

“We have standards.”

“This is basically Reform. I doubt it’s even halakhically valid.”

Working slogan: “Get a different view of the floating mines!”

Event slogan: Visibility ̶o̶r̶ then Bust.

Opposition lawmakers in Baghdad demanded an immediate investigation.

“One woman even covered her ears in what I can only describe as ecstatic surrender.”

The sheikhs will have to vacuum their own Bentleys.

The price for condoms saw a smaller but significant drop, as well.

Estimates suggest she can absorb an additional 18–22 million barrels before reaching critical saturation.

One collector is already exploiting the development to solicit for pidyon sh’vuyim.

Russian tanks, advanced air defenses, or a major diversionary front will materialize soon, just you wait.

“I also have to accuse them of leaving the place a mess, even though no Israeli demographic owns that distinction more than any other, except maybe Arabs.”

“It means you can almost afford the yogurt with the good bacteria.”

The concrete abomination has withstood every conceivable ordinance short of actual ordnance.

“Nor, thanks to Allah, have we approached anywhere near the degraded turnover rate of NY Yankees managers under George Steinbrenner.”

“Never once did it occur to me to check IDs, or foreskins, at the door. Am I supposed to be doing that?”

“You can’t be too careful. Disbelieving the claims would also be Islamophobic.”

“Who needs a shadkhan when you’ve got mutual existential dread and a working generator?”

“Upset about their own government? I strongly suspect it’s a Zionist op.”

“We’re not against innovation,” one father said. “Israelis love tech.”

The masses continue ordinary life, woefully ignorant of the Armageddon supposedly visited upon them.

“I’m not begging, I’m curating an experience,”

The effort highlights the challenges of countering low-tech, high-chaos tactics in a high-steaks environment.

The current exercise calibrates the precise dosage of intermittent visibility required to sustain belief in eventual service without triggering mass demands for accountability.

Nothing matches Gaza’s emotional ROI, or inherent potential to mobilize antisemites, but its appeal still fades.

“The pretzels were covered with sesame seeds instead of salt,” shuddered one father. “Who even does that??”

Who do those Iranians think they are, anyway?

“These two are ruining it for everyone.”

“It’s just a stutter,” insisted President Masoud Pezeshkian. “The biggest scandal anyone can point to is a tan suit.”

Solitude is apparently not on the menu.

“Simple. The best name. Trump, Iran. Has a nice ring, doesn’t it? Better than Tehran, which sounds like a bad deal.”

“That’s when it hit us: maybe, just maybe, some issues are random or even… self-inflicted?”

Full city-wide deployment is expected sometime before or during the next ice age.

NGOs urged the public to focus anger exclusively on settler-colonial projects that do not involve a country controlling vital migration routes to Europe.

The occurrence of the festival when nights are longest has invited unimaginative speakers to think themselves poetic by comparing the physical darkness with various negative forces.

Stormtrooper units routinely fire thousands of blaster bolts while registering fewer than eight confirmed, non-plot-critical hits.

Locals wouldn’t mind so much if the karaoke performers could carry a tune.

Novels, poetry collections, cookbooks, self-help guides, and children’s literature all posted declines ranging from 11 to 37 percent.

Observers noted that the proprietor made the same claim about the credit card machine to four customers in a row. Jerusalem, December 2 – A local shopkeeper made an attractive proposal, eyewitnesses reported today, when you sought to buy a shirt and trousers at his establishment and heard the man say he could give you …

Despite decades of blaming Israel for the country’s ills, the impending exhaustion of Iran’s water resources draws ever closer.

Dusk falls over the storefront’s flickering “CLOSING FOREVER” sign (now in its eighth year of forever).

“You’d think they could hire some people to develop adequate software for these systems, instead of forcing us to wait forever before we can click on the little x.”

“This isn’t supposed to happen.”

Their existence looms large in rhetoric but they have escaped observation by actual humans outside the maelstrom of Pallywood.

City officials apologized for the changes.

“I feel so much better now that it’s Hamas shooting my son’s kneecaps than my daughters dying because Hamas forced them to stay in a building the Zionists bombed.”

“Some of our men suggested napalm.”

That imaginary realm also features a substantive difference between anti-Zionism and antisemitism.

“There’s always a chance they’ll forget or make an exception,” he explained, declining to adduce evidence for that assertion.

It denounced the US-backed Gaza Humanitarian Foundation for delivering more than two million meals.

Unfortunately for him, Israelis flocked to, not from, their homeland in the aftermath of October 7.

Still other Palestinian clans bear names of tribes that arrived in the last two hundred years from various parts of Arabia.

This is coerced population transfer and in contravention of the Geneva Conventions.”

The profile of users calling the reports lies revealed candidates for Ozempic prescriptions.

Everyone knows the kind of trouble that occurs when a package gets delivered to the very address where you told the supplier you wanted it.

The term for “Black” in Arabic is “Abed,” meaning “slave.”

“Maybe now they’ll shut up and pay their maintenance fees, which they haven’t in like two years.”

“Maybe if we had some emaciated adults, we could produce a more convincing body of work.”

“This journey to healing won’t even begin until we dance on the crumbled ruins of one of the evilest cultures ever to exist.”

“I hear Qatar is lovely at certain times of year.”

A different Zionist aggravation-developer invented the commercial break.

Their society has contributed nothing of note to humanity in hundreds of years, perhaps ever.

Like her analogs in Gaza, Pose has posted to social media a continual treatment of her regimen.

The rest of the world can then develop in peace, absent the ethnic and ideological tensions that have stymied regional advancement for at least a hundred years.

“Palestinians are the real Jews. Look at all the Jewish traditions and culture they’ve preserved since ancient times.”

“Is THAT anthrax??” he continued, pointing to yet more flour.

It may take the form of attributing nefarious motives to normal behaviors when Jews engage in those behaviors, such as political advocacy.

Members and supporters have consumed copium in large quantities since “Operation Grim Beeper” last year.

“I thought we did a good job.”

“This is genocide,” Amnesty International posted on social media.

Greta’s behavior is so beyond the pale for constructive, stable relationships, that even the socially-impaired people with ASD can see it.

Arab society both within and outside of Israel relegates its African population to permanent underclass status.

Gambling that the novelty of using something unpredictable and different will overshadow any technical shortcomings.

Houthi fighters appear eager to seize any moral victory, however small and symbolic.

“Behind it is just… the remains of other pashkevilim.”

All others displaced in human history have been forced to establish new lives and build themselves up instead of depending on perpetual largesse of others while nursing grievances.

Alternatives don’t have the same unifying solidarity underlying them that makes Shoah business so effective.

“No society that accused Jews of dishonesty has ever progressed from there to any violence against Jews, or anything.”

The last year alone has seen 27,000 new Jewish immigrants to Israel.

“This energy source is effectively unlimited.”

It will horrify Hamas and its minions into capitulation.

“It’s just that… well, it seems impractical, given the information now available to us.”

None of the households know that every other household plots to do to them what they plot to do to all the others.

“There’s no way he will be able to withstand the moral force of their arguments and their outrage.”

Guests expect a standard of tidiness to which the household has long aspired but rarely achieved.

Analysts cautioned that Iran might not be able to survive many more victories.

He thought he’d performed a home repair task that affirmed his right to hold a Man Card.

“Yet another manifestation of the oppression of Israeli Occupation.”

Observers recalled screaming and gesticulating, but no specific words other than slurs such as “sharmuta” and “kalba” among others.

As many as 15,000 migrants died just in preparations for the 2022 World Cup.

18 of the last 20 weekdays have seen him leave the depot at least 8 minutes past the posted time.

“They say Hamas would throw us off buildings if we went to Gaza, but there aren’t so many buildings in Gaza now.”

“A clear case of ethnic cleansing.”

“Our Palestinian proxies already have amassed great quantities of it. We just need to siphon all that back.”

Salvage some sense of control by simply knowing whose day it is to make commuters’ lives miserable in the least politically-effective way possible.

“Like, you don’t even understand that AIPAC isn’t Israeli.”

“Just blow after blow, statistics taunting me with the seeming futility of my life’s work.”

“All because they couldn’t just leave Israel alone.”

Tu BiShvat will occur this year in about four weeks.

Leaders in the Gaza Strip have offered to spare some of the copious humanitarian aid flowing into the territory.

“We will only approve architectural designs that make a normal person question his own sanity, if not actually vomit.”

“So who’s killing all the Zionists?”

“Latke” originates in a Slavic term, derived ultimately from Greek word for oil – which, in turn, stems from the Greek for “olive.”

They expect Westerners to flee en masse if the current effective takeover of Europe by swarms of immigrants continues.

“You don’t have a plastic bag on you, do you?”

Experts differ over the specific benefits that Israel might seek by taking over swaths of distant northern Syria.

Phil Loseroni sent out a series of social media posts this morning.

Those sharing the mislabeled Syria clips don’t care about the impact on one of the few industries in Gaza still producing paychecks.

Seasoned Israelis will not fall for the “I give you big discount” line.

Perhaps the mass murder isn’t so mass-murdery yet or something.

“This might be a record,” he acknowledged.

The same as Iran’s proxies’ tunnels, but without all the digging.

It could affect his eligibility for certain positions in the military.

Israel’s impotence fails to account for killing every last Palestinian with impunity for the last 76 years, which has resulted in a tenfold increase in the Palestinian population.

City officials hesitate to admit that they aim specifically to make people’s lives miserable.

“Concerns over the harmful impact the incident may have on our image and sales.”

The vanishingly few people privy to the secret, he led to believe that he had taken up residence in Patagonia.

“Fake news. The whole Palestinian refugee idea is fake news.”

He appeared oblivious to the effect his sharing had on social situations.

They declined to specify which alternative despots the administration is considering.

Exacerbated “friendly-fire” incidents.

“I’d bet there’s no one else in that girl’s life willing to speak about these things.”

“What can I say, the man likes ass.”

“It’s primarily about feeling righteous, not about helping those who need it. I appreciate the selfishness. Game recognize game.”

“Phase two will move toward implementing policies regarding Palestinians that do resemble those of our namesake.”

Performing up to requirement, and not coasting on union protection to maintain job security, would be a surefire way to blow cover.

“It’s so unlike our brethren, to make grandiose promises to us and not make good on them.”

“How do they expect to deliver the same level of care without all the essentials?”

The prime suspect in the Israeli espionage operations, is codenamed Spank Meidadi.

“Mothers walking their small children to and from preschool will definitely gravitate toward this lively atmosphere.”

Approximately 5,000 forced-laborers from south Asia, southeast Asia, and Africa.

A jump of about 2,000 since the same time last year, when the figure stood at just under 17,000.

“Some large ships from Iran bound for us have also disappeared. I don’t know if they had sloped roofs installed.”

“It’s going to be yuge!”

Nasrallah: “Expert Student of Underground Décor.”

“One of the easiest political acts I’ve ever done. Or not done.”

Pro-Iran-regime voices boasted of clocking that Jill and Hunter were the acting chief executives in 2018.

Obesity in western countries took off around the same time as everyone posting photos of their food on social media.

“If we are going to serve as the stenographers for Islamists, we bloody well better convey the most up-to-date, in-season Hamas talking points.”

One man acknowledged he could tolerate a café instead of a hair or nail salon.

“It doesn’t count when indigenous people do it.”

“If I don’t get sanctioned by Biden, does that mean I don’t rate? That I have no value?”

“It never used to be this way. Obviously, the far-right is establishing outposts here.”

Visitors recite passages blaming Israel for the death of the child and reporting it as such to human rights organizations.

“What if it’s important?”

The group has depleted two eighteen-wheelers carrying food for hungry Gazans.

“Gaza still hasn’t run out of food despite having only two days’ worth of food for, what, seven months?”

Instead of rappelling or skydiving, the thrill of sudden drops from tall buildings.

“Brothers and sisters who have nothing to celebrate. Rutti, make sure the portable soccer goalposts are packed.”

“They can put up numbers that we’ll never reach.”

Israel has hacked the personal lighting systems, as well, causing them to turn off at inconvenient times.

“All the sugar should keep it from spoiling.”

With the military preoccupied with countering Iran, countering Iran might have to take a back seat.

“The last time he changed his bedsheets? Probably sometime during the Mameluk era.”

Complicating factor: the unavailability of exit interviews by those no longer with the company.

Spring has brought an entirely new clutch of ants that failed to learn the lesson he had aimed to impart to their predecessors.

US police can only produce a pale imitation of that level of abuse.

ADHD symptoms typically make it inordinately difficult to begin, let alone complete, even simple tasks if the process is daunting enough.

Palestinian civilians are not actually the people the Biden administration aims to help. That distinction belongs to the mullahs.

Comments about the zaftig body types in the friend group led to the epiphany.

He has even switched from Himalayan rock salt to much less expensive alternatives.

“I’m glad we have the advantage of conditioning in our youth and adulthood to view all negative phenomena as the work of the Zionists.”

“Even collectively, they don’t add up to what any individual Nazis our forebears sheltered had accomplished. It’s embarrassing.”

The raid began with a discreet scouting mission at around 10 pm.

The “anti-Zionist” states of the Middle East harbored Nazi war criminals.

“Certainly they’re as credible, if not more credible, than the United Nations General Assembly.”

“The bake sale is more of the same: Hamas-UNRWA extracting every last shekel from ordinary Palestinians.”

“A fire truck is the way to go. Same vroom-vroom-vroom-pigeon-at-the-wheel energy, minus the fear of terrorist bombing.”

“Could we have forced a smaller number of them to stay behind so we would always have a ready scapegoat or object of abuse?”

Ministry-approved books fall far, far short of the standard that Palestinian texts have set.

None of them wish to sustain themselves on the flesh of someone so repulsive.

“They should stay till this thing is absolutely over.”

Sharing those nonexistent escapades on various Telegram channels to boast of their domination over, and degradation of, the hated Jews.

The narcissistic phenomenon has not already occurred only because the Gaza Envelope remains a closed military zone.

“I assume the noble souls refraining from overpriced bean water know what they’re doing, and I thank them for it.”

The school has 45 registered faculty.

The presence of so many well-fed people in the photos caught executives by surprise. “We were told Gaza was running out of food.”

As with students feeling “unsafe” on higher education campuses, the high principles of the progressive activists and movements took the step of explaining that those high principles cease to apply if Jews as a group begin to benefit from them.

“The administration has made clear its priorities and values.”

“It is my solemn duty, to punk and rhetorically smack her down when the opportunity arises.”

Analysts expect only token mention of the expulsion from human rights organizations and expressions of “concern.” Kuwait City, December 4 – Officials from the palace of the Emir, Sheikh Nawaf Al-Ahmad Al-Jaber Al-Sabah Nawaf, announced today that this Persian Gulf country will forcibly remove residents of Palestinian ancestry, not specifically because of animus toward the …

The war has otherwise hurt tourism and local business traffic.

“It can’t be that Palestinians aren’t interested in a peaceful resolution so we know not to make that argument.”

“It’s more than a little offensive when ‘Palestinians’ speak for us.”

“I qualify as much as any Palestinian whose great-grandparents left their rental property to make it easier for Arab armies to kill the Jews in 1948.”

The libel continues to find currency among Gazans and supporters of violent Palestinian opposition to Israel.

“I’d say three quarters of the places on my rounds now simply don’t answer.”

At least two dozen from Arab countries without official diplomatic relations with Israel. Gaza Envelope, October 31 – A group of gun batteries providing smoke cover and targeting enemy positions and personnel with their ballistic fire reported today that in the last 24 hours, since opening up an online-payment channel and advertising on social media, …

“The innocent missiles were not armed with missiles.” Damascus, October 30 – Following an Israeli air attack on a military convoy headed toward Israel inside Syria, the Assad government and Iranian President Rouhani condemned Israel’s “aggression” against the surface-to-air missiles the convoy was transporting. “The Zionist regime has once again demonstrated its utter disregard for …

“Those are totally real. If you don’t believe that, you’re Islamophobic.” London, October 30 – Activists dismissing the copious documentation of Hamas atrocities in southern Israel three weeks ago as fabricated or exaggerated – much of that documentation from the Palestinian perpetrators themselves – think you should take at face value the photos and clips …

“How about mayonnaise?”

The focus must remain Israeli wrongdoing and Israeli obligations as we define them, and if that means Gaza civilians remain in harm’s way, so be it. Remember, we’re a human rights organization.

Repeating the procedure that the Assad regime has used throughout the country’s civil war, including against thousands of Palestinians.

Arab states that established, or are considering establishing, relations with Israel – suddenly their human rights records became important.

A new way not to dispose properly of garbage.

“Maybe that means your whole story is made up!”

The Mossad did not respond to any inquiries whether it knows of its operations’ impact.

Despite glorification of “martyrs” and devotion to the land of Palestine in popular Palestinian and Arab media.

“I sometimes get the sense that woman has no idea what’s important to me.”

Authorities are unable to effectively shift blame to Israel for all Palestinian ills.

“Ein davar kazzeh.”

It will include an ensemble performing the piece 4’33 by John Cage.

Halfway through the first week – twenty-four hours longer than her previous record.

“Is it because we missed one?”

They eliminated millions of Palestinians, down to any evidence of the very existence before that point of those now-murdered Palestinians.

Hamas doesn’t want to step on Hezbollah’s feet.

The teens argue over which found the actual best hummus, all of them simultaneously right and wrong. Jerusalem, August 17 – This city’s busting open-air market teems with teenage visitors from abroad every summer, as their organized groups seek to give them a taste of local culture and history, and a common activity for those …

So far, editors have chosen either to ignore the anti-Hamas protests, or to relegate them to brief mentions.

“I pay for their public services, their education, their everything. But my vote doesn’t count more? Ridiculous.”

“We will never be invited to address the UN wearing a sidearm, as Arafat was.”

He sped up to overtake the Honda and reach the next intersection a full 3.8 seconds before the other car, where both waited. He voiced satisfaction at his time efficiency.

“OMG he doesn’t even listen to music when he’s showering.”

Dramatic images of locals clinging to departing American aircraft, only to fall to their inevitable deaths, will not form a part of the story.

“In their old age, most likely, but that’s something.”

“The Nazis also poisoned their victims in the gas chambers, but they didn’t kill nearly as many.”

“I even asked if there’s a way to prepay not to attend anything for the next three years.”

The 5,783rd consecutive year of documented human history that not a single person has been killed at a Palestinian Pride event.

“Pumpkin spice latte is not part of our local cuisine, and I am aware this is all you know.”

An earlier phenomenon saw Iranians inquiring about finding passage out of the country in shipments to Russia of attack drones.

“Who can afford a place in this neighborhood with weed-free air, a Rothschild?”

“Will the reporters believe what they see in the dry streets, or their need to amplify our cause?”

“Anyone who doesn’t want what I’ve made is welcome to put together a peanut butter sandwich, as always.”

One of the central criticisms of European Union bureaucracy is its built-in inefficiencies.

According to recent studies, just four American cents per gigabyte.

Israel aims to broadcast its interest in stability and humiliate the two main Palestinian factions.

“I hid it in my closet. When things calm down I’m going to put it back in the shelter and pretend nothing changed.”

“Those Zionists still do not know what hit them.”

“If I ever want to dig here again, under Palestinian, uh, protection, I’m going to have to… interpret these findings in a way that supports, rather than undermines, the ancient Palestinian claim.”

Sucking the goodness out of the land for the sake of the foreign home country where they really belong, which presumably means Iraq? Yemen?

Every open space in Israel is expected to feature bonfires large enough to reduce the god to gooey, caramelized deliciousness.

“The defensiveness born of the whole world knowing you have a small penis.”

The effort made to inform every single relevant person, plus several hundred thousand irrelevant persons, is ongoing. Jerusalem, April 9 – A poll of Israelis conducted over the last several days has determined that fewer than ten of the country’s Jewish population of approximately seven million still do not know that the leavened-grain-free diet mandated …

Hope that his own descendants will carry on the family and community tradition of nurturing the pointless, destructive fantasy of reversing the shameful defeat of Arab Liberation Army forces in 1948. Beirut, April 4 – A third-generation resident of the Ein-al-Hilweh Camp in southern Lebanon wants his children, grandchildren, and, if at all possible, his …

“We won’t let Bib and Ben-Gvir do this,” asserted Dafna Shoham from her chaise longue at Bograshov Beach. Jerusalem, March 27 – Students, faculty, public sector workers, and other members of Israel’s largest labor union agreed today that the ongoing protests against the Netanyahu government’s proposed changes to various elements of the justice system have …

With special venom reserved for Jews reasserting their claim to the land. Ramallah, March 23 – Staff at an institution dedicated to displaying indigenous artifacts of the Arab people of this part of the Levant struggled again today to articulate the difference in tone the exhibits take toward two different periods in which a colonizing …

The living room and kitchen, where the demonstration took place, have a maximum capacity of 40 people. Pardes Ḥannah, March 22 – Two teenagers who organized a demonstration against an impending household policy to assert a greater role for the family’s father and mother in decisions that until now the children have assumed were the …

Despite the apparent contradiction in the sentiments, the Palestinian cause has attracted no small amount of support.

The complete lack of food ingredients makes Rabbinate certification as kosher-for-Passover a formality. Jerusalem, March 12 – What becomes of the racks and racks of masks, wigs, cloaks, and other mass-produced paraphernalia that no one bought, but occupies valuable display space in the stores? More and more in recent years, the all-plastic products wind up …

The native population remained anchored to the land through thick and thin and defining themselves as the children of it so thoroughly that the term “Palestine” never passed their lips. Jerusalem, February 23 – Since time immemorial, the indigenous people of Palestine have lived in their native land, bound on the west by the Mediterranean …

Strong evidence points to the fist light rail line in the city as the onset of the phenomenon. Jerusalem, February 28 – A new study has found that residents of Israel’s capital show a better-than-average capacity for critical thinking and hesitancy to accept information at face value without supporting evidence, born, the researchers have concluded, …

“Otherwise, we would expect to see media reports mention the longstanding antisemitism in the region as a factor in the conflict, but they invariably do not.” Amman, February 26 – Antipathy across the region for Jews going back at least as far as the sixth century CE can be explained as caused by Zionism in …

In terms of cringe, the incident even edged out the feline’s previous death: being eaten by its mother within a day or two of birth. Jerusalem, February 16 – A local feline met its grisly demise today on a stretch of wet roadway where drivers often fail to spot the traffic signal in either direction, …

“I daresay that’s a major passion of nearly every international rights group: singling out Israel for vitriol at the drop of a hat.” New York, February 15 – NGOs working to highlight abuses and hold repressive regimes to account voiced their frustration today with the government of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, whose murderous crackdown on months-long protests …

He even threatened to protect those children by whatever means necessary. Jerusalem, February 8 – A local father of five continued to insist his three sons and two daughters have the right to live in peace without Palestinian gunmen, bombers, drivers, stabbers, or other attackers threatening their welfare, witnesses reported today, even after others informed him not …

“It would be a powerful statement of Islamic solidarity for the victims of this disaster to show they still think of Palestine even in their lowest moments.” Tehran, February 6 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic reacted to this morning’s deadly tremor along the Syrian-Turkish border by admonishing the thousands of injured, homeless, and displaced victims …

“Obviously we can’t just call the phenomenon false. Imagine what that would do to our funding!” Ramallah, January 30 – Researchers documenting the plight of Palestinians ethnically cleansed from their homes to make room for housing whenever new immigrants arrive in Israel have discovered that despite the attention the phenomenon receives from activists and political …

Obama sent the first documents in 2015 with pallets of cash. Washington, January 26 – A former president whose vice president, successor, and successor’s vice president had secret materials in their private possession after leaving the White House voiced his relief today that he escaped the same problematic scrutiny, having already removed such materials long ago for …

“It’s obviously not his direct doing, and he’s actually kind of shy.” Kiryat Bialik, January 19 – Visitors to the online location of a local ensemble’s principal social media presence have viewed its contents and determined that in contrast to the prevailing assumption that the group uses the medium to promote itself as a group, …

“…the Palestinian issue, which is the main source of Arab antisemitism going back to the seventh century.” Washington, January 17 – Critics of the Trump administration’s most enduring international achievement, a peace agreement between Israel and several once-hostile Arab states on the Persian Gulf, continued to challenge it this week with the observation that in …

“Another incoming customer was actually reaching for that cart when we snatched it away before it could victimize everyone all over again.” Jerusalem, January 10 – Quality Assurance personnel at a local maker of supermarket paraphernalia scrambled today to address an emergency situation amid reports that multiple patrons of an establishment in Israel’s capital had accomplished …

The tension between ancient and modern exists throughout the developing world. Doha, January 5 – The recent World Cup contests and festivities in Qatar highlighted a salient long-term issue for the dictatorships and monarchies in the region, observers note, where the tension between old and new features at the fore of social, financial, political, and …

Huldai’s administration has faced allegations of insufficiently corrupt selection of the contractors engaged by the Tel Aviv-Jaffa Municipality. Tel Aviv, December 29 – Following an embarrassing episode in which city contractors painted a handicapped-only parking spot around an already-parked car and then had the car towed, Tel Aviv Mayor Ron Huldai apologized for the incident, …

Iran would forge the Middle East into an independent region free of interference from those outsiders, controlled from Tehran instead of Washington, New York, London, or Tel Aviv. Tehran, December 28 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic formalized an initiative this week in the mold of a Japanese plan before and during the Second World …

Waiting for other passengers to get off the train before pushing one’s way into it appears to lie beyond even the advanced capacity of the Israeli mind. Jerusalem, December 21 – A country that consistently ranks in the top tier of societies producing the most forward-looking, innovative products across multiple industries has yet to master …

Pro-Palestine advocates cited their forebears’ generosity and contrasted it with what they called Zionist xenophobia and racism. Gaza City, December 19 – Descendants of the people who attacked British and Jewish interests in Palestine before and during the Second World War in an effort to bar Jewish immigration to the territory even as the Third …

Regular parking enforcement will continue as before. Jerusalem, December 12 – The municipal government of Israel’s capital has hit upon an innovative method to increase cash flow into its coffers: issue tickets to residents who do not own a motor vehicle but who inspectors have assessed are the type of people to disregard signs and …

“Respect our culture! Tolerant Westerners, my butthole.” Doha, December 8 – Fans and officials from around the region reacted to the surprise over their expressions of animus toward Jews at the World Cup by bashing Westerners for the “racist” characterization of that hatred as wrong, and accused Westerners of hating Muslims by harboring such opinions. …

“I’m beginning to think there’s something deeper going on.” Haifa, December 1 – The ethnoreligious group harassed and berated for centuries with cries rejecting them from their host societies and urging them to return to their country of ethnogenesis did exactly that in large numbers over the last hundred-fifty years, only to face the same objection …

The time is ripe for a pogrom or something, given the way things are going. Tehran, November 29 – Months’ worth of popular uprising against the repressive Islamist regime of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has one religious and ethnic minority hopeful for change along with many of their compatriots, tinged with resignation toward the inevitability that …

For unclear reasons he styles himself a sophisticate and feels the need to proclaim he likes it. Jerusalem, November 22 – A recent “oleh” from the US has decided to immerse himself in the fusion of cultures that characterizes Israel’s cuisine, with fare that goes far beyond the pale imitation of Levantine dishes that he encountered …

The groups presented their report at a press conference with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, currently serving the 95th year of his four-year term. Paris, November 17 – Human Rights groups again leveled the charge today against the Jewish State that the latter engages in the quasi-cannibalistic, quasi-murderous practice of manufacturing the likeness of Arab children’s …

“We had some anticipation of a windfall over the next several months, perhaps up to two years out,” acknowledged Lufthansa spokesman Gerhardt von Stupp. Ben-Gurion International Airport, November 10 – Representatives of the dozens of carriers offering passenger service to destinations from here all over the world voiced confusion today, more than a week after …

Kristallnacht-like events in the Arab world occurred at various scales over the course of the centuries, most infamously the 1941 Farhud. Damascus, November 9 – The 84th anniversary of a pogrom across the Third Reich that destroyed synagogues, destroyed Jewish enterprises, killed dozens, and saw the deportation to concentration camps of hundreds of Jews passed in the …

“Economic growth is a threat to all of us,” stated Arnon ben-David, Chairman of the Histadrut. Tel Aviv, November 3 – The Jewish State’s remarkable resilience of late in fostering private-sector growth has the leaders of some of the country’s largest trade and worker associations worrying that too many people might enjoy the fruits of …

The regime that Tadmor Prison regular accuses Israel of torturing Palestinians, with scant evidence, while it also tortures and kills Palestinians in its own facilities all over Syria. Damascus, October 31 – A regime still officially at war with the Jewish State since the latter’s establishment in 1948 has shown a fondness for analogies that …

“She makes coffee there for herself and a few ‘comrades’ but we all see through the pretense: she’s appropriating Palestinian culture, disposing of her waste in the once-pristine vistas of ancient Palestine.” Kiryat Ono, October 25 – A resident of this Tel Aviv suburb remains completely unaware that her mundane, everyday activities typical of a …

A tiny handful of mosquito species just happen to like human blood, when literally hundreds of millions of other animals are out there, and in much greater numbers? Sus. Cairo, October 20 – Egyptian scientists claimed today to have blown the lid off a longtime operation through which Zionists have conducted a clandestine project to gather, process, and exploit …

“Palestinians could not perform the roof-throwing of a gay man properly, and had no choice but to kidnap the Palestinian man from inside Israel, drag him back to Palestinian-controlled territory, and behead him.” Ramallah, October 9 – Human rights groups and Palestinian officials lashed out today at a longstanding Israeli policy of destroying the houses of …

The regime’s killing of a woman who refused to wear the face- and head-covering that Iran’s modesty laws mandate sparked the unrest. Tehran, September 25 – Officials in the Islamic Republic apologized today to Russian President Vladimir Putin, explaining that they must renege on an agreement to supply the Russian military with explosive unmanned aerial vehicles, now …

The exception to Syria’s job-related woes in the booming, so to speak, field of runway repair. Damascus, September 15 – Employment prospects under the rule of Basher Assad have seen better days since a civil war broke out in the country ten years ago, with one outlying profession in high demand: people skilled at rapidly …

In what has become an almost-annual ritual, the end of summer vacation this year saw threats by Israel’s Teachers’ Union to strike unless the Ministry of Finance agreed to increase teacher salaries. Beer Sheva, September 8 – Seven school days into the 2022-2023 term, the primary faculty member educating your child voiced regret that the …

“At least Hezbollah will be able to kill Israelis as indiscriminately as they kill Lebanese. Some important things will come out of it.” Tehran, September 6 – Citizens of the Islamic Republic who have lived under political, religious, and cultural repression for decades, and whose leadership has displayed disastrous incompetence on everything from employment to …

“We’d like to encourage households everywhere to embark on similar modes of behavior.” Jerusalem, August 30 – Scientists voiced cautious optimism today upon discovering that among the microorganisms festering in a local collection of wet laundry lies a previously-unknown type of mold that appears to have the potential to combat virulent infectious diseases. Microbiologists studying the biota …

“It just isn’t fair.” Amman, August 25 – A controversial, discriminatory proposal by a far-right Israeli lawmaker piqued interest in the wider region this week, and caused many to wonder why only disloyal Arabs living under Israeli rule would get deported to an area with one of the highest standards of living in the world, …

“Frustration for a family that has to wade through throngs of misbehaving day-campers just to miss a shot at a bad stuffed imitation of a popular animated character… that’s what it’s all about.” Tel Aviv, August 18 – The director of a large outdoor facility offering rides, games, and other diversions acknowledged this afternoon that …

The incident marks the quickest inducement of a yawn on the subject of Palestine since the Abraham Accords. Riyadh, August 17 – A diplomatic official from one of several Persian Gulf countries to establish formal ties with Israel began to express lack of interest in the subject of Palestinian violence while you had only gotten halfway …

“You can’t just not go backpacking around the world after you leave the army. I think there’s even a law. Is there a law? There must be a law.” Kibbutz S’de Eliyahu, August 10 – A twenty-one-year-old resident has defied expectations of those who complete their compulsory stint in the military: unlike any of his …

It was time to bring back the troops tasked with that mission. Washington, August 8 – A White House representative disclosed Monday a heretofore undiscussed factor behind the hasty American departure from Taliban-held Afghanistan last year, one that the administration believes received insufficient attention at the time of the operation and that might help the …

Despite seeking photos or videos that would showcase the alleged brutality and wanton violence of the Israeli military, he could find precious few bona fide images of the carnage. Gaza City, August 5 – Ahmed Sinni, a Hamas and Islamic Jihad supporter, cannot decide which images to alter or reuse from unrelated conflicts for propaganda purposes, …

He will, in fact, not eat the pasty, and it will eventually grow mold, giving him no choice but to bin it. Majdal Shams, August 1 – A foil-wrapped piece of meat-filled flake-dough returned Monday to the place it has occupied for the last five weeks between the egg cartons and the left-side wall of …

The process ended up costing him over eighty thousand dollars of other people’s money. Ramallah, July 28 – A senior official in President Mahmoud Abbas’s government fell prey to a common internet ruse to bilk unsuspecting users of their money today, in this case money that the official had misappropriated from United Nations allocations intended …

“This is how they dress? They need help more than we do. Is anyone taking up a collection?” Nes Harim, July 21 – Jews who fled to the Jewish State over the last several months following Putin’s invasion voiced sympathy this week for their brethren across the Atlantic who sent garments and other perceived necessities …

Experts estimate the total amount will exceed eight billion dollars, which accounts for the bulk of the Palestinian Authority’s annual budget, itself largely underwritten by foreign donors. Ramallah, July 19 – The contents of a 1957 interview with the chief architect of Nazi Germany’s genocide against Jews emerged two weeks ago, to the effect that …

“Tel Aviv, even Jerusalem, that’s where the social action action is.” Dimona, July 12 – A resident of this development town in the Negev lamented the fact that his activities to promote awareness of, and urge the adoption of mitigation measures for, environmental issues, require him to take a bus or drive for long periods …

“It’s definitely been a challenge.” Ramallah, July 7 – The sea change underway in the Middle East involving the acceptance and integration of Israel into a region once uniformly hostile to the Jewish State continues among numerous avenues, such as the reworking of educational materials in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia no longer to include antipathy for …

“Games such as ‘tag’ and ‘Capture the Flag’ induce them to trample the land with their unhygienic, ‘filthy,’ if you will, feet, violating the sensibilities of Palestinians everywhere.” Jerusalem, June 30 – Progressive American NGOs have dispatched researchers to examine the activities of Zionist programs for children in Israel during July and August with an …

The staff had to travel to the Tel Aviv Pride Parade several weeks ago to participate in the more familiar, Western methods of celebrating. Ramallah, June 29 – The Biden administration’s senior representative to the Palestinian Authority spent this morning in the company of his official hosts observing the final workday of the thirty-day span …

Cases this week included ketchup on French fries that somehow touched a hot dog that already had mustard on it. Jerusalem, June 22 – Municipal authorities opened a new file today on a family in the city following the receipt of reports that the parents had exhibited gross negligence in the form of allowing to …

The vast majority of such content winds up with that caption or comment anyway, and that users now can save themselves the trouble of doing it themselves. San Francisco, June 20 – One of the world’s leading social media platforms has begun to roll out new efficiency features, including the time- and labor-saving measure of …

When anyone challenges her on her behavior she throws out a ‘You’re attacking me because I support LGBT rights!’ Tel Aviv, June 9 – A resident of the affluent neighborhood of Ramat Aviv in the northern section of this Mediterranean city apparently believes that displaying the rainbow banner associated with the LGBTQ+ rights movement gives …

Experts differ on when, if ever, the breach will gain the proprietors’ attention. Isfahan, Islamic Republic of Iran, June 7 – Online activists with skill in compromising the security of internet-connected remote computers celebrated a milestone today in the ongoing campaign to undo the Zionist project, now that they have succeeded in taking down the interface …

“God knows there are enough fools among tourists, and among Christians. I need only one who is both, to visit my store and buy the case.” Jerusalem, May 31 – The owner of a souvenir stall in the Old City keeps an eye out for the right mark among the thousands of foreign visitors who will …

Obeisance to the sacred cow of Palestine First sparked resentment-tinged disdain for Palestinians whose cause always overshadowed the truly-important issues affecting the Middle East and the Arab world. Ramallah, May 25 – Shifting geopolitical considerations have wrought noticeable change in the priorities that Middle East nations and governments give to the issues they must address, …

“Our own citizens we can’t do anything about; heck, that’s our voter base.” Ben-Gurion Airport, May 19 – The Ministry of Health eliminated the requirement this week for all incoming passengers to undergo swabbing for the SARS-CoV-2 pathogen, instead leaving the Ministry of Transportation to administer arrival policy without such considerations. The latter ministry has …

“It’s just not fair that they get one and we don’t get all three.” Jerusalem, May 16 – A loose coalition of diverse ideological and political groups with collective access to a pair of sites central to the founding of their unifying ideology continues to express its bitterness over failing to maintain possession of a …

Mr. Zikri refers to the group of well-paid athletes, none of whom know who he is or how much of his money and psyche he has invested in supporting them, as “we.” Jerusalem, May 11 – A resident of Israel’s capital and most populous city has outsourced his self-esteem to the fortunes of a football …

“I already have bids in for various ‘I love Israel’ tourist swag, and it looks like at least four or five big orders might be coming my way in the net month alone.” Gaza City, May 5 – The local Palestinian producer of white banners with two parallel, horizontal blue stripes on either side of …

The Haganah operation he helped support seemed “more like suicide,” Solo had told one of his erstwhile comrades. Tel Aviv, May 4 – A rogue pilot with a checkered history of questionably-legal activities has decided to throw his lot in with the forces defending the nascent Jewish State from numerically-superior enemies surrounding them, local sources reported today, …

“Is this one of those things where we change the long-established definition of a term so we can paint Israel as violating it, like we did with ‘seller-colonialism,’ ‘ethnic cleansing,’ and ‘genocide’?” Tel Aviv, April 28 – The holder of a fellowship from a human-rights-monitoring NGO came to the Jewish State several days ago to …

Part of a phenomenon in which Al Jazeera tries to paint the most tolerant, free, and secure society in history, as the most oppressive, racist, corrupt, culture the world has ever seen even as Qatar pursues policies that would make an eighteenth-century conservative Westerner look woke. Doha, April 25 – Regime officials and prominent figures in a …

“Abraham Accords, my foot,” he spat, using a dismissive Hebrew idiom that literally translates as “it interests my grandmother.” Ofakim, April 20 – A high schooler disparaged the unprecedented recent détente between Israel and several longtime Arab enemies by noting that the seismic geopolitical shift has no bearing on his mandated lights-out time. Maor Dadon, …

Ramadan TV series, often fertile ground for antisemitic programs, have cut back on Jews as satanic monsters, depicting them more often now as satanic humans. Riyadh, April 13 – Shifting geopolitical circumstances have prompted unmistakable changes in the Levant and the Persian Gulf region: the rising threat from Iran’s malign hegemonic ambitions has forced former …

The same family also owns no television, but not because of philosophical objection to mass media content. Jerusalem, April 6 – Israel’s market for the previous generation of cellular devices now mainly features clientele who for religious and community-standards reasons use the older models, but figures aggregated from the various mobile communications companies indicate that …

“We Arabs wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow, let alone a sword, if Zionism weren’t so specifically Jewish.” Cairo, April 4 – Governments in the region and beyond are accusing the Jewish State of discriminatory behavior in offering escape and safety to Jews fleeing warfare in Eastern Europe, and not welcoming anyone in regardless of ethnicity, in …

“You can’t be too careful in the service of God,” the drinkers explain, intoxicated by, among other things, their pursuit of righteousness. Jerusalem, March 30 – The approaching Jewish festival of Passover, during which the Torah bars the possession, let alone consumption, of products containing or derived from leavened grain, has again featured in several …

“I think we have to rethink our approach, because if we’re really about helping Palestinians, we have to- hey, where is everybody going?” New York, March 24 – An activist campaigning for economic, cultural, diplomatic, and other measures against a Levantine country for its structurally-discriminatory policies against a significant minority within its borders, a minority …

“I suppose I could try to elicit clues in a roundabout way.” Jerusalem, March 21 – Confusion and apprehension seized a local husband today following his realization that he could not remember the exchange in which he and his spouse had just engaged, and that by absentmindedly signaling assent to her statements, he dug a hole …

Only by letting suffering dominate the physical and psychological landscape can the sacred mission approach fulfillment. Khan Yunis, March 15 – Hamas authorities in this autonomous coastal territory have begun harassing a local resident, witnesses report, because he fails to showcase the requisite level of misery the Islamist movement demands as part of its strategy …

The Ukraine crisis, has made the situation tense enough that his parents are primed to believe anything about Russian capabilities and intentions. Kiryat Bialik, March 10 – A local adolescent expressed relief today that Putin’s forces have been disrupting geolocation service in the region as part of their operations in and around Syria, because such disruptions …

They plan to spend the next several years gallivanting various places, because their services appear unneeded for at least that long. London, March 4 – Researchers from a prominent international human rights organization informed journalists today that now that their work determining the existence of a race-based system of discrimination in the Jewish State has concluded …

Witnesses observed Cherniak driving the vehicle to the grocery store and back, forced to take a roundabout route because of a traffic signal that hung too low to allow the vehicle passage with its missile rack elevated to operational height. Netanya, March 1 – A resident of this coastal Mediterranean city who recently returned from …

They refuse to take proper COVID mitigation measures while shoving broken bottles up the anuses of political detainees, which has terrible implications for public health. New York, February 23 – Progressive activists in Europe and the US voiced their shock and revulsion today upon learning that staff at the Islamic Republic’s various incarceration facilities have left …

The man gushed with the enthusiasm of someone manifestly unaware that he has been expelled, despoiled, genocided and ethnically cleansed, according to numerous international NGO reports. Fureidis, February 17 – A prominent resident of this predominantly-Arab town in northern Israel runs his business, engages in local and national politics, maintains active civic involvement, and benefits …

“We glimpsed at least one note from a ‘Dr. Jill’ allowing the president to participate in a strategy session.” Vienna, February 14 – Negotiators on behalf of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei expressed anxiety today in a message to Teheran that the US president’s mental decline might impair or undermine negotiations over the Islamic Republic’s pursuit of …

Experts have noted parallels between the way you can use this weather for either side of the climate argument and the way rising crime militates either for or against increased policing. Mevasseret Tzion, February 9 – The lowest sustained temperatures Israel has seen in decades – more than two weeks with the thermometer moving into …

Activists acknowledged such treatment only accelerated the emigration of Jews. Cairo, February 3 – Opponents of Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland voiced frustration today that their ongoing efforts to demonstrate that Jews do not need that sovereignty, by means of harassing, attacking, and inciting against those Jews everywhere, has borne little practical fruit, …

“Nothing less than ethnic cleansing.” Gush Etzion Junction, January 31 – A leading human rights advocacy group denounced the Jewish State today following an incident in this disputed area south of Jerusalem where soldiers cleared a Palestinian family off the busy highway following an accident, a move that the group and local activists called a …

“I’m sure there have been slurs by Israelis that preceded rockets from Gaza, and other terrorist attacks.” London, January 24 – The UK’s leading public journalism institution suggested today that the Nazi-inspired and Nazi-fomented riot in Iraq’s capital during World War II that killed hundreds of Jews and injured hundreds more occurred after the mob …

“I just hope I don’t get screwed over the way I did a few other times, and some scalper winds up with all the tests before I can get mine.” Jerusalem, January 20 – A local resident believes his dedication to acquiring tickets to performances in high demand, which often includes spending a night or …

“How many Palestinians did IDF troops kill for throwing firebombs when maybe those Palestinians were just trying to initiate a friendly game of catch?” Kiryat Sh’monah, January 13 – NGOs decried Israel’s downing of an unmanned aircraft today that penetrated the country’s northern border, claiming that the IDF should have ascertained the device’s intentions before opening fire, …

“I hear that’s been happening a lot lately. Climate change or something. I don’t claim to be an expert.” Ra’anana, January 11 – Taking his cue from apologists for Palestinian terrorists, a junior in the local high school has taken to blaming atmospheric conditions for various pranks affecting the teachers in his classroom, despite the …

About half of Israel’s Jewish population boasts Mizrahi ancestry. Amman, January 5 – A prolific user of social media with staunch political views continued to argue today both that the Jews who lived under Arab hegemony for most of the last 1500 years must give primacy to the Arab, not Jewish, element of their identity, …

“My friends’ first reaction was to ask about the bachelor party.” Hod HaSharon, December 30 – A woman and her fiancé acknowledged this afternoon that while the two of them much prefer an intimate, wholesome celebration to accompany their upcoming nuptials, their social circle and the industry surrounding the production of their affair have aroused …

“We mainstream media people ate it up, because of course we love science, especially the part where it gets used to confirm our biases.” Tehran, December 27 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic took a page from the Dr. Anthony Fauci playbook today by announcing that they, too, represent the noble pursuit of human knowledge …

“Please respect our daughter’s privacy at this difficult time.” Jerusalem, December 22 – Relatives and friends gathered today to console a local ninth-grader who underwent the catastrophic experience today of having to transfer accumulated kitchen garbage from its receptacle in that location to a dumpster on the main road a hundred paces away to await …

The land was Jewish only starting about three and a half thousand years ago. Abu Dis, December 16 – A descendant of an influential Bedouin clan speaks of his prestigious origins at any given opportunity, observers report, especially their pedigree as native to Palestine from time immemorial, specifically from the nineteenth century CE when elements …

“I took that as a heavenly sign endorsing my efforts to date, especially my efforts to find more donuts.” Jerusalem, December 13 – A resident who resolved to abstain from the deep-fried dough treats associated with the Jewish “Festival of Lights” following more than a week of excess indulgence in said treats reported today that …

Palestinian leadership has sought to emulate attacking an enemy that stands in the way of questionable territorial and demographic goals, thereby all but guaranteeing eventual humiliation and removal from the echelons of entities whose agendas drive global policymakers. Ramallah, December 7 – Eighty years after a carrier-based bombing attack on the main American naval base in …

“I can’t believe the insensitivity of these [parking enforcement] people. They have such chutzpah.” Jerusalem, December 2 – A driver who wrote an explanatory message for municipal enforcers, noting that he placed his vehicle in a zone where only local residents may do so only because he was attending a Shiva observance nearby, expressed outrage …

“The hurt is magnified because until Zionism came along, forcing Jews to drink Muslim wastewater, whether figuratively or literally, was the norm in the region.” Ashkelon, November 25 – Activists denounced the Jewish state again today over its discriminatory attitudes and policies, in this case over the latter’s refusal to operate a desalination plant just up …

“Poor Sarah has to have impossible documentation, but those Bedouin get to live and build whatever they want, wherever they want?” Jerusalem, November 23 – A self-proclaimed heir to a property in the center of Israel’s capital city voiced her anger today at the double standards of local law enforcement that allow vast areas of …

“The honor-shame culture of the Arab and Islamic worlds doesn’t give way easily, but I think they’ll come around within a century.” Beirut, November 8 – Residents of the Levant and beyond, who have absorbed more than a century of propaganda accusing Zionists of aiming to take over the entire area, voiced their impatience once …

Experts have known for years that monkeys pick stocks as well as experienced analysts. Tel Aviv, November 14 – Securities brokerages and bourse research companies in Israel’s financial and commercial capital began to implement new recruitment procedures today, in reaction to findings that primates picking securities investments at random do at least as well, and …

Evidence has so far failed to sway the leadership of a country that happily allowed German spies to attempt entry to Britain from its territory. Dublin, November 17 – An island state to the west of Britain whose government maintained neutrality toward the Third Reich, and whose people facilitated Luftwaffe navigation toward blacked-out British cities …

Horror upon discovering that the child failed to uphold the hamster’s gender identity, and sought to impose cisgender heterodominant hegemony. Hertzliya, November 3 – Controversy has shaken this middle-class suburb north of Tel Aviv since late last week when a school sent a seven-year-old home for referring to the class pet with a masculine pronoun, in …

“I won’t be raping those girls who are asking for it, at least not out in the middle of the street where everyone can see, but it’s the same kind of power trip.” Evin Prison, October 28 – An employee at the Islamic Republic’s most notorious detention facility known for its humiliation and brutal physical, …

The couple, who only became parents after moving to Israel, never exercised such discriminatory discipline toward their children when they still lived in Ethiopia. Mevasseret Tziyon, October 25 – Civil rights and social equality organizations condemned a local couple today for what the groups allege constitutes discriminatory treatment of disadvantaged minorities, after information came to …

Outside a core of staunch regime loyalists and among Iran’s Shiite supporters in the Middle East, fan and official reactions have uniformly criticized Iran’s decision. Dubai, October 19 – Enthusiasts of the wizarding world’s most popular sport burst into a fervor of animated discussion today following an announcement by the Islamic Republic of Iran that …

Anecdotal evidence suggests previous cases have occurred. Jerusalem, October 14 – A social network aimed at facilitating and tightening connections among career-minded professionals sent one of its members an e-mail alert today, informing her that someone, somewhere, had queried the network’s database about something, and that as a consequence, her name appeared in the results. …

It resonates with Palestinians in ways that other, similar operations have failed to do. Hebron, October 10 – An entrepreneur with a keen sense of local cultural and political sensibilities launched a new operation last month that delivers restaurant and fast food throughout areas under autonomous rule, and reported this week that it has already …

“If I call today I’ll probably be the first one to get an appointment in one of the prime time slots in that vast, empty schedule the clinic must have.” Jerusalem, October 4 – A resident of Israel’s capital city who apparently has learned nothing from his several decades inhabiting Israeli society remains under the bizarre …

He will face difficulty finding safety seats for her and his other wives when traveling in his captured Humvee. Kabul, September 23 – A member of the militant Islamist group that now governs Afghanistan voiced his disappointment today that his fiancée will be unable to create an age-appropriate wish-list for wedding invitees to consult at …

Neither Crate & Barrel nor Fortunoff sell the patterns in question anymore. Jerusalem, September 14 – A husband and wife negotiating the terms under which they will end their marriage have managed so far to avoid acrimony regarding where the children will live, as well as the division of financial and material assets, but have …

Refusal to accept the vaccine, or Israel as a fait accompli, puts Palestinians at increased risk of hospitalization and painful death. Ramallah, September 3 – Observers of Palestinian society have noted of late that more than a century of rejecting the notion and manifestation of a sovereign Jewish presence anywhere in the ancestral Jewish homeland, …

Visitors who did manage to get to the front before despairing still faced several classic hurdles of Israeli bureaucracy, including the old standby of demanding a document that none of the instructions called for. Jerusalem, August 31 – Management of an ad hoc rapid-result testing facility at a shopping mall and movie theater complex in …

“We might just request that the IDF occupy us as well.” Amman, August 25 – Countries facing a demographic crisis now seek out the input of those responsible for genocide of the Palestinians in a decades-long process that has resulted in a tenfold increase in that demographic, experts observe. Population statistics scholars noted this week …

The virus has trouble determining its host’s politics in non-political settings. Tel Aviv, August 19 – A local pathogen confessed its chagrin today upon realizing that before invading the cells of its current host and hijacking their nucleic processes to produce more viruses, it neglected to examine the views and behavior of said host to …

The only other comparable drool-flood occurred when Obama sent over pallets of cash. Tehran, August 16 – The capital of the Islamic Republic of Iran ground to a halt Monday overwhelmed drainage systems, deluged the first floors of hundreds of buildings, and disrupted essential services and utilities to thousands of residents, as the cumulative quantity of drool …

Violent demonstrations occur much more frequently in Israel than does baseball. Jerusalem, August 11 – Israeli officials have decided to take a play from the American playbook: they will leverage the country’s second-ever attainment of an Olympic gold medal to generate publicity by tapping the medalist to launch various events, much in the way various celebrities …

Estimates of garbage takes overtaking physical garbage in Lebanon range from six months to two years. Beirut, August 5 – Decades of mismanagement, malfeasance, incompetence, and rampant corruption in this once-thriving country of nearly seven million have resulted in, among other fiascoes, a trash-collection system in major cities that has decayed to the point that …

“You have to have some backup plan, some go-to technique to deflect, distract, or delay until they get sidetracked.” Jerusalem, August 2 – With July gone and less than a month remaining until school reopens, a local primary school student has maintained remarkable discipline regarding the assignments his teachers gave him to do during vacation, …

“Delta, lambda, whatever,” he pronounced with a wave of his hand. “Our robust strategy is more than a match for this virus.” Idlib, July 27 – Testing for coronavirus in an area contested by the Syrian Arab Army and insurgents has determined that the pathogen has ceased to pose a threat in places that the …

Contrast this with even such untamed locations as the urban jungle of New York City, where almost by default, people waiting at a stop will form a neat line. Jerusalem, July 22 – Users of the electric trolley system in Israel’s capital continue to encounter difficulty when faced with the need to make room for disembarking riders …

Perpetual outsiders, at best tolerated and at worst, well, look what’s happening right now. Babylon, July 15 – Officials and local leaders reacting to the arrival in Mesopotamia of the continuing waves of forced Jewish emigration from Judah took pains today to repeat their message of welcome to the refugees from Emperor Nebuchadnezzar’s conquest of …

Spotting Jews will become a matter of seconds, rather than having to ask around, which can waste precious minutes during an altercation in which a Jew might defend himself. Lod, July 13 – Israeli law enforcement officials told Jewish community leaders in this poor, ethnically-polarized town today that it would be easier to keep their …

“Riots aren’t the same without local Jews to scapegoat, beat, rape, and despoil.” Damascus, July 7 – Activists and government representatives from around the region continued to accuse the Jewish State today of keeping almost all of the Middle East’s Jews for itself, leaving only a token amount in various surrounding countries and depriving those societies …

“Our society needs to be shaken up, maybe even burnt down to the foundation, and then rebuilt. Like that place over on Shiloh Street I’ve had my eye on.” Jerusalem, July 4 – An area vandal who bills himself as “anti-capitalist” and “anti-establishment,” and whose spray-paint creations lament the loss of “authentic” local culture, acknowledged …

That fearless attitude of getting the story no matter what, unless the story somehow implies Palestinian have agency. Ramallah, June 28 – Intrepid journalists from some of the planet’s leading outlets continued to justify their earned reputation for getting out the stories the world needs to hear, as they displayed the nerve necessary to ignore …

Palestine must be ruled by the descendants of those plants, and of course Palestinians are those descendants. Ramallah, June 23 – An advocate for removing Jewish sovereignty from the Holy Land in favor of an Arab Islamic state, who also believes that the existence of British-issue currency from the Mandate period before Israel declared statehood …

Twitter has finally decided to embrace its progressive racism instead of hiding behind flimsy excuses. San Francisco, June 17 – Years of user complaints that the official Twitter account of Iran’s Supreme Leader repeatedly engages in overt and veiled threats to commit, abet, or encourage the genocide of Israel’s more than six million Jews have finally …

“We certainly don’t want the people who pay our salaries to realize our work here is no longer as necessary!” Jerusalem, June 14 – Israel swore in its most diverse government in history today, including an unprecedented number of women, at least one gay cabinet minister, and, in a first, coalition membership by an explicitly …

Dolls-lying-in-airstrike-rubble-as-if-the IDF-caused-the-scene-but-in-fact-the-whole-picture-is-contrived has proved a public relations boon to terrorist groups. Khan Yunis, June 8 – A six-year-old in this Hamas-controlled coastal territory woke up today to discover that her father and older brothers had removed every single stuffed animal and plush toy from her bedroom for purposes of posing them amid the bombed-out ruins …

“Did those new clothes disappear?” Jerusalem, June 6 – A local couple voiced puzzlement today at the fact that they have, over the last three months, parted with upwards of six hundred shekels to procure garments, footwear, and accessories for their thirteen-year-old, resulting in a sartorial excess that her closet, shelves, and drawers cannot contain, …

A name that evokes epic rapprochement between once-estranged brothers Isaac and Ishmael won’t do. Washington, May 30 – Diplomatic sources in the White House and Department of State have confirmed that in addition to the current administration refraining from reference to last year’s historic peace agreements between Israel and several Persian Gulf states by their proper …

Observers remarked on the speed with which the thugs made the pivot to, and then away from, targeting Jews en masse. Umm El-Fahm, May 26 – Thugs unable to take their aggression out on Jews in Israel following belated police suppression of pogroms in Lod, Ramle, Haifa, Acco, the Negev, and elsewhere over the last …

The MTA might not have put so many of its assets directly in the path of an aerial bombing onslaught, but it can still proudly claim it runs the most dangerous system of tunnels in the world. New York, May 19 – Observers of the IDF operation before and during the weekend to lure hundreds of terrorists …

“It’s hard for me to accept that the rockets we saw coming in and out of there were weapons of war.” Gaza City, May 18 – Reporters and staff from news organizations whose headquarters in this embattled coastal territory collapsed after an Israeli airstrike Sunday explained that they had no idea the structure, parts of …

“All the unrest you have experienced this week is merely anti-Zionist, and you may therefore unburden yourselves of the anxiety over antisemitism.” Lod, May 13 – Law enforcement authorities in Israel sought to assuage the fears of Jewish residents in this mixed town on the country’s coastal plain that the riots, synagogue-burning and desecration, looting, …

“They obviously wouldn’t hit an American aircraft, or the plane of an allied country – that’s more our thing.” Tehran, May 6 – Officials of the Islamic Republic voiced their concerns this week that their facilities to receive anticipated windfalls of hard currency from the Biden administration require better security and defense arrangements in case …

The party had hoped to rely on Israel to provide a pretext for canceling the context and saving Fatah face. Ramallah, April 15 – Declarations by members of the party controlling the Palestinian Authority that unless their rivals or Israel make substantive changes to longstanding policies and practices, a long-delayed parliamentary contest that will likely …

“Get up to forty percent off on items or services that our records indicate you have purchased exactly zero times in the five years you have banked with us!” Jerusalem, April 26 – The financial institution through which you conduct most of your day-to-day financial affairs called today to inform you they are happy to inform you …

A demonstration of how serious they are about enriching themselves on the backs of their constituents. Ramallah, April 27 – President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority and several other high-ranking officials in his kleptocracy took a page out of the Islamic Republic’s playbook today with a declaration that its opponents have gone too far, …

“Who wants three-week-old meat when fresh chametz is all the rage?” Jerusalem, April 15 – Actuaries and gambling analysts released their predictions for the next week, including an item that gives a better-than-three-to-one likelihood that an aluminum pan of brisket remaining from the Pesach holiday two weeks ago will continue to languish in its current …

“Please ignore the decade-plus of violent, brutal repression of internal dissent that’s been going on there, because, well, context or something.” Washington, April 1 – Foreign policy officials in the White House and State Department sought to reassure Americans and American allies in the Middle East that the regime in Tehran might be engaged in …

“There are no bathrooms right outside the zoo, so let’s just say avoid that spot over there behind the trees.” Jerusalem, April 6 – A couple with four children who decided a visit to the city’s largest picturesque and eclectic menagerie of creatures would provide them with an enjoyable way to spend a day of …

“Crap. I just remembered Eddie Van Halen is dead.” Jerusalem, March 24 – Middle-aged residents of this city and others in the Western world who grew up referring to songs popular when their own mothers and fathers were growing up as “oldies” voiced indignation today upon hearing the word in reference to the contemporary music of …

A good number are the same useful idiots who have always proved so easy to manipulate through Soviet and soviet-style propaganda. Sanaa, Yemen, March 23 – A group of Iran-backed rebels in this impoverished country at the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula announced today that they will maintain their policy of torturing, executing, oppressing, …

He brushed aside concerns that the Municipality of Jerusalem is not a party to the case, which focuses on actions by the Government of Israel. Jerusalem, March 15 – A resident of this country’s capital voiced his readiness to serve as a witness for the prosecution at the International Criminal Court investigation into alleged war …

“The Americans are somehow both unreliable and entirely predictable.” Sana, March 11 – Families of a man and woman hoping not to be dismembered by missiles from an American Predator aircraft at the celebration of their nuptials lamented this week that securing a venue that can accommodate such a preference will cost them a metaphorical …

“We recommend visiting the site when fewer users are likely to be on, such as in four or five months.” Jerusalem, March 4 – The Ministry of Health launched a new initiative in the last several weeks, under which people carrying certification that they have undergone the full immunization regimen against SARS-CoV-2 may enjoy unrestricted admittance …

Gingrich divorced his second wife in 1999, having led the GOP charge to impeach President Bill Clinton just a few years before over the latter’s marital infidelity while in office, all while the Speaker himself was conducting another such affair. Atlanta, March 3 – A former Speaker of the House of Representatives and presidential hopeful …

“You have to go to like a foreign country or something to encounter something like this. Or leave Tel Aviv, which is functionally the same thing.” Tel Aviv, February 23 – Municipal welfare personnel voiced perplexity today upon encountering a bizarre family situation – native Israeli parents of secular mindset who gave a name to …

“It remains a total mystery why Israelis resist the idea of giving us control over access to holy sites.” Mt. Ebal, Samaria Region, February 22 – Officials in the autonomous government of the Palestinian National Authority voiced dismay today upon discovering that a lack of proper examination of the area and of preparation led to …

“I’ve chosen to show affection to those who might not get that kind of attention around here. I do hope they like my apple pie.” Kissufim, Southern Israel, February 11 – A resident of this pastoral community near the Islamist-controlled Gaza Strip boasted today that she maintains a stockpile of fresh cakes and pastries just …

“Our company takes its moral obligations seriously, and will not tolerate any so-called ‘lapse of judgment’ from its employees.” Ramallah, February 11 – Arab social media erupted with controversy today following the dismissal of a popular cast member from a successful drama series because she had made multiple posts that failed to challenge the historicity …

“Enticing Iran back into the family of nations simply cannot happen if we demand that Iran act like it belongs in the family of nations.” Washington, February 9 – The Biden administration’s pivot on Middle East policy became further evident today as American diplomats complimented the Khamenei regime on its ecological wisdom and frugality for …

The Konfirmation: Israelites Kommit Evil (KIKE) principle. Tel Aviv, February 4 – A survey of media principles covering violence between Jews and non-Jews revealed an underlying mechanism that offers a scientific explanation for the way journalists report on it, researchers disclosed today: stories about Jews suffering violence from non-Jews, especially Muslim Arabs, can only exist with mention …

“Jews are like cancer: you have to prevent the spread, or efforts to treat the existing tumor will prove fruitless.” Alon Shevut, Etzion Bloc, February 1 – Organizations that insist they work to advance human rights and combat bigotry put forth a plan this week to prevent Jews from constructing homes in areas Israel captured …

A cardinal sin of cultural commentary. Tel Aviv, January 26 – A writer for Israel’s flagship left-leaning news outlet sparked an uproar today when her article comparing the home-delivery offerings of various restaurants in this city of 436,000 included not a single dig at Netanyahu or his right-wing allies, in defiance of established precedent among the …

Palestinians as their leaders’ sacrificial victims to various money-making schemes, anti-Israel propaganda drives, and political maneuvering. Jericho, Palestinian Territories, January 25 – The continuing shuttered state of a gambling house in this ancient city for more than two decades has left the autonomous authority governing the area no recourse to engage in organized games of …

“One wonders how a business can even function if it focuses only on production, quality control, marketing, management, and accounting.” Jerusalem, January 14 – Proprietors of a neighborhood establishment specializing in pastries, breads, and various confections has to date not voiced opinions on behalf of the enterprise regarding the ongoing political turmoil in the US, …

The UN has an entire other organization for resettling and caring for refugees as such, and almost none of the Palestine Refugees qualify under the standard definition of ‘refugee.’ Geneva, January 14 – An international organization mandated to see to the healthcare, education, housing, and feeding of Palestinians who fled or were expelled from areas …

“It’s pointless to stop me from yelling at the top of my lungs in the immediate vicinity of up to dozens of other people at a time.” Tel Aviv, January 6 – Israelis reacted with horror today to a suggestion that the arrival in the country several weeks ago of a serum to induce immunity to the …

“If the Jews of Israel want to live a normal existence, they have to forfeit the security that everyone needs in order to live a normal existence.” Ramallah, January 5 – The upcoming inauguration of the next American president has officials and activists in this and other Palestinian locales anticipating a shift in tone from that …

“Essentially, people are morons.” Jerusalem, December 28 – Opponents of intrusive, controlling measures on public and some private behavior to prevent the spread of a deadly pathogen have faced an uphill battle in their campaign to convince government figures not to impose draconian restrictions that undermine civil liberties, activists acknowledged today, given that the way …

“Soon you will bring down the hammer that crushes the enemy and energizes the citizens and soldiers of the Reich to restore the glory it has too long been denied.” Tehran, December 24 – High-ranking officials of the Islamic Republic of Iran issued a message today to boost the confidence of the German Führer hiding …

The Maccabees’ principal foe was not, as many assume, the Seleucid Empire, but the assimilated, Hellenized Jews of the era. Tel Aviv, December 17 – A staunchly secular resident of this prosperous city on the Mediterranean voiced her relief today that the eight-day Jewish festival of lights will conclude soon, as she has grown tense with the knowledge that …

Zionist behavior must a priori be categorized as evil. Ramallah, December 16 – Anti-Israel propagandists hoping to attenuate the recent wave of normalization between Israel and various Muslim states in the region seized on a new idea this week to try to drive a wedge between the Jewish State and surrounding countries, namely that the widespread …

“What’s next, lava? Little pockets of sulfuric acid?” Jerusalem, December 8 – A worker at one of Israel’s prominent bakery and confection chains voiced concern today, as he injected a doughnut with an expensive, dangerous substance, that perhaps there exists the possibility that such establishments seeking to outdo one another in vying for customers before …

“Yet another instance of Zionists usurping our national heritage.” Ramallah, December 7 – The bizarre story of a series of metallic standing stones that appear and then disappear in various places around the world – first in Utah, then California, then Romania, then the Isle of Wight – gained a political wrinkle today as Palestinian officials claimed …

“I even offered to send Jack Dorsey samples to prove it, but nothing.” Bat-Yam, November 26 – Sources close to the father of a local family reported today that he has yet to receive an explanation from the social media giant Twitter as to its failure to date to indicate his wife’s mother’s post last …

“The soft bigotry of low expectations that Muslims face in Europe, the US, and the West in general is not something we want to encourage.” Riyadh, November 26 – Persian Gulf states in the process of rapprochement with the Jewish State voiced their misgivings today over the latter’s diplomatic relations with various other countries whose …

The hellbound descendant of apes and pigs stampeded home a hybrid compact and proceeded to trample his way to the kitchen, where his insatiable rapacious Zionist maw devoured a helpless bowl of Kellogg’s corn flakes with milk. Jerusalem, November 18 – A Jewish settler followed up on his desecration of the Haram al-Sharif through his …

“Can Gaza be the only place in the world where lightning triggers military equipment? That wouldn’t make sense.” Damascus, Nov 17 – The President of the Syrian Arab Republic smacked himself on the forehead today following receipt of a report that the Israeli military has sought to explain missiles targeting Tel Aviv Saturday night not …

Not a single victim of the flooding mentioned malevolence on the part of the Israeli military or Netanyahu-led government. Yavne, November 9 – The first major rainfall of the season struck the plains west of Jerusalem last week, resulting in the overflow of drainage systems in streets, but that for some reason did not prompt …

“The will of the people is dangerous to our careers.” Ramallah, November 5 – The President of the Palestinian Authority believes public opinion surveys showing the deep unpopularity of him personally and of his governing faction among Palestinians, even though the field demonstrated serious shortcomings in the last two US presidential contests, failing to paint …

Barghouti paused for several seconds, then continued. “What’s the opposite of impotence?” Tel Aviv, October 29 – Bloomfield Stadium in this teeming Israeli city hosts concerts in addition to its everyday function as an elite soccer venue, but the raging global SARS-CoV-2 pandemic has led to the cancelation of any such entertainment events for the …

“Those Zionists can keep their democracy. I’m still going to bash them for depriving Palestinians of democracy, though.” Cairo, October 28 – Citizens and residents of numerous states in the Levant and beyond voiced a sense of having dodged a metaphorical bullet this week, in that their countries employ only the most token institutions and …

A key environmental element that many families cannot hope to replicate to a sufficient degree on their own. Jerusalem, October 20 – Distance learning has posed numerous logistical, financial, and parenting challenges for the vast majority of families, but one enterprising couple has managed to replicate the environment to which their children had become accustomed …

Survival in defiance of the odds facing such an immunocompromised patient will indicate increased likelihood of foul play. Jerusalem, October 22 – A high-ranking Palestinian official undergoing treatment at a leading Israeli medical facility threatened negative outcomes for the Jewish State in the even that he recovers from his current viral respiratory infection, given that such a …

“The map, the image of ‘historic Palestine’ that supposedly got torn apart by Zionist-European settler-colonialism, precisely conforms to borders that British and French colonial powers drew to suit their imperialistic goals.” Beirut, October 12 – Middle Eastern regimes that expend significant effort denouncing the institution and effects of foreign empire-building at the expense of local …

Opinion of the police deteriorated from at or slightly better than opinion of COVID in April to demonstrably worse at present. Tel Aviv, October 8 – A deadly pandemic ravaging the globe garners a more favorable opinion among Israel’s public than does the country’s chief law enforcement body, a new survey has found. Polling agency …

In contrast, Egypt and Jordan have refrained from total normalization of ties, and continue to traffic in antisemitic and anti-Israel conspiracy theories. Manama, September 30 – Two states that established formal relations with Israel after decades of explicit support for its enemies, including the dissemination of propaganda to undermine the Jewish State’s legitimacy, now find …

Tightened restrictions imposed over the weekend exacerbated the domestic tensions, but the digging that began toward the end of August cemented their descent into the loony bin. Jerusalem, September 24 – A piece of heavy construction equipment demonstrated no awareness today that the noise and ground vibrations resulting from its activities over the last several …

Behind it all, official incompetence and criminal negligence led to disastrous consequences. Beirut, September 16 – Wildfires raging in the westernmost of the US’s forty-eight states have grown so fierce, observers noted today, that buildings and entire port facilities all the way over in the eastern Mediterranean have also caught fire. Yesterday’s fire at a …

Customer space is limited to six visitors at once, and the office never has on duty more than two or three clerks to serve the hundreds of people who require their services. Jerusalem, September 14 – Reduced staff and limits on the number of customers who may occupy the facility at any time, to help …

The right that only the leadership possesses: to put to death, by whatever means, any persons standing between it and expanding across the land like a plague. Tehran, September 7 – Officials of the Islamic Republic lamented today the ongoing coronavirus crisis in the country that has already claimed more than twenty thousand lives, noting …

“I’ve gotten my friends to give him the silent treatment, but some of them don’t understand the seriousness of the situation, and they’re lax about it, or don’t adhere to it when they think I’m not paying attention.” Giv’atayim, September 3 – A local high-schooler voiced irritation today as national media waxed messianic about open …

The forty-ninth week in a row that the number has failed to break out of single digits. Ramallah, August 27 – Inspectors replaced the digit today on a placard that tracks the time since the Palestinian leadership has squandered a chance to move toward peaceful resolution of the generations-old conflict with Jews over the territory both groups …

She conducted at least two raids to obtain blood from human capillaries, one of which proved successful. Jerusalem, August 25 – An insect forced to spend all of its life in the confines of a residence where a single family of humans, including you, has closed itself off as much as possible from the rest …

“That came as news to me, even though it’s been in all of our reports, my aides tell me.” Geneva, August 18 – Human rights groups reacted to last week’s sudden announcement of diplomatic and commercial ties between Israel and the United Arab Emirates by finding it important, out of the blue, that the latter …

Israeli travelers took to focusing on what they do best while out of the country: making themselves and their countrymen look like spoiled, whiny, provincial ingrates. Ramat HaSharon, August 17 – Word of the developing diplomatic and commercial ties between Israel and several of the Persian Gulf states has sparked excitement among the Jewish state’s …

“They should be thankful to participate in this grand project.” Tehran, August 6 – Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and several of his top officials voiced gratification today following a catastrophic explosion in Beirut yesterday that killed more than a hundred and injured thousands, in appreciation for the millions of Middle East lives they have …

“Suck our exhaust, never-in-the-shade Donald Trump Bus Stop Shelter at Geha Interchange!” Maaleh Gerah, August 6 – Municipalities around Israel that sought to put themselves on the map by capturing the attention of a narcissistic American president with gestures expressing gratitude for his adoption of policies and positions more in line with Israeli nationalist sensibilities than …

“We and our far-left allies in the UK and Europe share a profound attachment to the unattainable.” Beirut, July 29 – The Shiite militia that exerts de facto control of Lebanese politics on behalf of its Iranian masters asked the disgraced former leader of Britain’s Labour Party to help with the aftermath of a failed raid …

“Free the Palestinian people from the yoke of Zionist oppression that has raised Arab incomes, life expectancy, and health care, and freedom indicators far beyond those of their neighbors.” Marmara, Turkey – A group of human rights activists vowed today to break through what they called Israel’s “immoral, illegal, and deadly siege” of Arab homes …

Instructions to FARS and smaller news operations included provisions outlining measures to avoid mentioning the same undamaged facilities too often. Tehran, July 20 – The Islamic Republic’s official media agency changed tacks today as a result of the string of mishaps, suspected sabotage, and other disasters befalling the country in recent weeks, opting to save time, …

“You’d think that as members of a tribe that has sat at the crux of global finance for generations, they might have some clue as to their status, but none seem to.” B’nei B’rak, July 16 – Residents of this entirely-ultra-orthodox city, the second-most-impoverished in the nation according to Central Bureau of Statistics data, possess …

“It belongs much more in our comic-book, cartoon-show milieu than in anything resembling human reality.” Somewhere in the Levant, July 9 – Realms located in the world of the imaginary such as Middle Earth, Krypton, and Eternia gained a new member in recent years: the Israel that so many insist existed before the Labor Party lost …

“We find slightly more support for the idea that Israel should rely on existential enemies to help guarantee its security.” Jerusalem. July 8 – Ministry of Health pronouncements governing public behavior during the current second wave of the coronavirus pandemic in Israel have nearly the same level of consistency, clarity, and persuasive power as any …

“It’s almost as if no one believes us.” Washington, June 30 – Former officials of the previous presidential administration voiced puzzlement today at the limited impact of their alarm-sounding on potential application of Israeli law to areas beyond the 1949 armistice line, noting that no one could have predicted their cautionary statements would lose their …

“Allowing Israelis to be subject to the vagaries of inclement weather leaves open the possibility of denying Israel controls the weather at all.” Ashkelon, June 29 – Residents of this southern coastal city and their compatriots around the country expressed confusion and frustration today in the face of a second major spike in temperatures expected …

The timing of the Exodus narrative according to traditional dating places it centuries later than many of the pyramids. Cairo, June 18 – Authorities in this country of nearly 100 million dismissed concerns today that the movement to dismantle monuments glorifying racist or oppressive regimes and figures will affect their state’s archaeological and cultural sites, …

“You haven’t lived until you’ve celebrated a national championship by chanting, ‘ein Aravim, ein piggu’im.’” Jerusalem, June 17 – Staunch supporters of this capital city’s yellow-and-black-clad soccer team remain unable to bring their anti-Arab animus to games at Teddy Stadium, as the raging global pandemic keeps the sport on hold, local sources report, and forces …

“You can lead a Palestinian leader to accountability, but you cannot make him take it on.” Ben-Gurion Airport, June 10 – An Etihad Airlines commercial jet landed at Israel’s main international airport Tuesday carrying medical equipment intended for use by Palestinian public health facilities, along with consignment of living the actual, real world, both of …

A handful of conscientious citizens even cover their mouths. Jerusalem, June 8 – Ministry of Health officials announced promising new figures today in the battle to contain coronavirus, figures that they contend show complete effectiveness of surgical and other masks worn over the chin in preventing infection from pathogens that might otherwise get into the …

He came up with the ingenious idea after the older sibling of a student was convicted of homosexual activity and sentenced to death. Tehran, May 27 – Sanctions imposed on the Islamic republic have compounded an economic crunch in the country that already challenges the budgets of numerous public institutions such as schools, forcing educators …

“If you’re not overdrawn on your checking account, there’s no way you’re not involved in something dirty.” Jerusalem, May 25 – A would-be philanthropist found himself in a holding cell at the Russian Compound headquarters of the Jerusalem District Police today, after he raised suspicion of illicit financial activities when he stood at the checkout …

Recent actions and statements by government officials may indicate a shift in their assessment of her benefit to them. Amman, May 18 – Hashemite Kingdom officials announced today they will consider a longtime US request to detain and hand over the perpetrator of a 2001 bombing in Jerusalem that killed 15 and wounded 130, including US …

“Having the real truth out there now is crucial, in this era of fake news and misinformation.” Nahariyya, May 14 – A resident of this sleepy city on the Mediterranean voiced satisfaction today after he submitted the latest of what now number more than seven thousands responses to a social media post, stating that he …

“Arguing in favor of finding a solution to our dilemma that does not involve forcing President Assad to put all his war crime eggs in one Cyrillic basket.” Tehran, May 7 – Officials in the regime of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei voiced hesitation this week over what appears to signal the beginning of the retrenchment of …

“I need to be screaming insults at customers, especially tourists, at least twenty minutes a day.” Jerusalem, May 5 – The proprietor of a spice, nut, and seed establishment at this city’s main open-air market voiced his continued frustration today at lockdown measures that make operating his business impracticable and financially pointless, noting in particular …

“Let our past behavior be your guide to how we will spend these funds.” Tehran, April 28 – Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s sanctions- and coronavirus-battered regime urged the international community today to break with the United States and reopen commercial ties, on top of a request for monetary help in combating the spread and effects of …

A neighbor declined to be identified by name, citing concerns of associated shame in the deeply conservative society of secular Israelis. Jerusalem, April 23 – Neighbors, relatives, and friends of a local resident expressed shock this morning upon discovering that he had purchased a coffee-colored pooch but given it a moniker other than “Shoko,” thus defying a …

“Sailing into this area wearing nothing but an American flag and expecting to be left alone is disingenuous at the very least.” Tehran – Officials of the Islamic Republic today dismissed allegations that its small craft had come dangerously close Wednesday to American warships patrolling the Straits of Hormuz, with the assertion that those US …

“Oh, boy, yeah, dodged a bullet there,” he declared in the presence of his disappointed parents, a little too loudly. “Just crushed.” Jerusalem, April 13 – A local teenager confessed he is oh, yeah, absolutely let down at the current pandemic depriving him of the opportunity to mark his coming-of-age by declaiming a stupid homily …

The widely-accepted vector of coronavirus to humans, that of a “wet market” in China where various exotic animals are sold as food, fails to account for Jewish evil. Tehran, April 2 – Public health and security officials in the Islamic Republic sought to emphasize existing guidelines today regarding the dissemination of information, cautioning citizens to give …

He took the measures in response to the climbing figure of coronavirus patients in Israel. Jerusalem, March 31 – A local resident fearful of coronavirus decided not to wait until the eve of Passover to take certain traditional protective measures against plagues, but found himself without the materials necessary to conduct the ritual as documented, …

“Oh, good, finally some acknowledgement for my case,” mused Maryam Farouk, 38. “Can I leave my bedroom yet?” Damascus, March 24 – Almost ten thousand COVID19-positive citizens in the Syrian Arab Republic claim to be the single patient that the Assad regime has acknowledged in the country, local sources reported Tuesday. Figures issued by the …

“Give me some time with the leaders of the parties to the conflict and I’ll get them to see the correct decision, if they know what’s good for them.” Giv’at Shmuel, March 19 – Heads of a family who have so far succeeded in preventing their offspring from killing one another amid restrictions that keep everyone …

No one provoking the Jews into shooting at the protesters may put everyone at risk by increasing the danger of infection. Near the Gaza-Israel border fence, March 16 – Leaders of the Islamist terrorist group that governs this coastal territory have begun to implement measures to limit the spread of a deadly pandemic, including a cap …

Setbacks and humiliations have for some unfathomable reason not indicated that they have fallen out of divine favor, nor how they might restore that favor. Tehran, March 12 – Actions by the regime running this Islamic Republic indicate that the people in key leadership positions have so far failed to internalize the messages sent their way via …

“The two of them stared daggers at each other for a full fifteen minutes.” Ra’anana, March 10 – Students at a local high school recalled an embarrassing episode that took place on Sunday, when two of their number observed the traditional dress-up-for-Purim celebration by coming in identical philosophical positions that life has no inherent meaning …

Every citizen must undergo at least one official face-licking by the 15th of April, eight days before the Islamic holy month of Ramadan. Tehran, March 3 – Islamic Republic authorities embarked on a new public safety and public order measure today with a policy that requires officials in each city, town, and district to assign …

“I only woke up like four times, not including my usual 3 AM bathroom run.” Ramat Gan, February 27 – A resident who shared his numerous ideas with his wife about getting a jump on preparations for a Jewish festival that occurs in April this year has determined that if one positions himself just right …

“Alternatively, making the tower itself a mosque will solve the comparative height problem.” Babylon, Land of Shin’ar, February 20 – Islamic authorities cautioned today against the completion of a planned project to construct a tower that reaches the heavens, reminding officials in charge of the initiative that Sharia law prohibits any non-Islamic building from exceeding …

“No one checks because ‘Israel Bad’ drowns out all other considerations.” Jerusalem, February 19 – Failure of a restaurant customer’s attempt to con the establishment into a free meal has led him to acknowledge he underestimated the effort necessary to establish a convincing case because years of Western media and NGOs taking blatant fakery by …

They also seek to minimize steps that might compromise lucrative economic ties. Brussels, February 12 – European officials argued today against adopting a severe response to an impending Achaemenid program that aims to exterminate the Jews throughout the empire, contending that direct diplomatic opposition to the initiative will undermine the standing of less-extreme elements within the …

“The rest of us stalwarts know better than to think anyone normal actually finds us appetizing.” Jerusalem, February 10 – Components of gift baskets that mark some observances of the Jewish new year for fruit trees voiced readiness today for their impending reprise as components of gift baskets to mark the Jewish festival of Purim …

“Forgoing attempts to kill Jews is like forgoing air. You can manage it for a little while, but in the end you can’t help it.” Ramallah, February 3 – Officials in the ruling Fatah faction of the Palestine Liberation Organization, which now governs Palestinians under a 1993 self-rule arrangement, vowed measures this week aimed at …

“With this plan on the table, we can look forward to more of the same. It’s huge.” Sderot, Gaza Envelope, January 30 – Two days after US President Donald Trump’s grand announcement of a comprehensive peace plan for Israel and the Palestinians, citizens of the Jewish state have remained giddy over the prospect of no …

“You’re not going to believe this.” Tehran, January 23 – Backtracking on an earlier refusal to supply the flight data recorder from a civilian passenger jet that the regime’s air defense batteries shot down two weeks ago, the Islamic Republic announced it would indeed hand the device over to investigators, but, wouldn’t you know it, …

“We should sue.” Sderot, January 21 – A resident of this town in the Gaza Envelop district voiced anger today upon discovering that his homeowner’s policy will not cover damage caused to the residence following significant rainfall without proof of how it occurred, despite widespread media reports in the wider region of the government unleashing …

“I mean, just look at Syria.” Tehran, January 14 – Leaders of the Islamic republic voiced confidence today amid a continuing deadly repression of protests against the regime, according to regime sources in the capital, predicting that international bodies of governance will refrain from anything more than token acknowledgement of the violence, because those bodies …

Everyone discussing Monsey and Jersey City knows gentrification is the root problem. Jerusalem, January 13 – The historic neighborhood of Nachlaot in the center of this city has seen numerous demographic shifts in its decades-long transition from slum to hipster, yet despite the phenomenon as the obvious root cause of stabbing and shooting attacks in …

Sympathy for groups and ideologies that may espouse genocidal, misogynistic, homophobic, racist agendas, but at least they oppose President Donald Trump. New York, January 5 – The Paper of Record followed up its delicate terminology in referring to violent attackers as “protesters and “mourners” Thursday with a description of the Iran-backed mobs surrounding and invading the …

Potential revenue from fines is almost an afterthought. Jerusalem, January 1 – Shocking new data have emerged showing that contrary to the widespread assumption that city employees must issue a certain minimum number of parking violation tickets per week or month, the minimum that in fact exists pertains to provoking insults or shouting by vehicle …

The decrease allows him to devote attention to other, more Christian-populous areas such as Latin America. North Pole, December 25 – The personality responsible for distributing Yuletide gifts to children of the faith worldwide on this date confessed today he spies a bright spot in the otherwise grim contraction of that demographic in the region …

Tel Aviv, Israel’s answer to the seedier parts of Queens. Jerusalem, December 23 – Festivities surrounding the inauguration last night of a non-stop rail line between the country’s capital and its largest city on the coastal plain left a sour taste in many mouths, participants reported, owing to the unpleasant reality that the line terminates …

“Damn,” thought the god, smacking himself on the brow. “Pun intended.” Tyre, December 16 – An ancient deity who exercised power over rainfall and related weather phenomena smacked his divine forehead today upon realizing he could have avoided tension in his relationship with the Levantine humans of antiquity by claiming the destructive deluges affecting them occurred …

Use of cheap, probably toxic or radioactive, alternatives to genuine food ingredients in Israel dates back to economic constraints of the state’s formative years. Jerusalem, December 12 – Patrons of a local confectionery and pastry establishment watched an employee of the business today with disgust and shock as he injected a repulsive, sugary, colored paste …

“A few hundred, or even a few thousand, dead civilians isn’t always a big deal. Context matters when calling for BDS.” New York, December 5 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement that targets Israel over treatment of Palestinians resorted to uncharacteristic rhetoric urging patience, skepticism, and detachment regarding ways to pressure the Tehran …

“Back when the Spies thwarted a quick entry into Canaan we thought we had hit a speed bump, but the timing of this fiasco could have even more inconvenient implications.” Plains of Moab, December 3 – Repeated praise of Canaan as flowing with nourishing, sweet products now faces an uncertain future after the cooperative that …

“100% of the protesters and bystanders injured, arrested, or killed in these incidents had it coming, just as 100% of our population is heterosexual.” Shiraz, November 26 – Authorities in the Islamic Republic explained the large number of protester shooting deaths at the hands of police and paramilitary forces over the last week, noting that …

Sitting, marching, holding signs, and chanting at others about society’s imminent collapse. Tel Aviv, November 21 – An activist worried that human-driven climate change will doom civilization and disrupt the planet’s fragile ecosystems within twelve years has found a kindred spirit in a homeless man who spends much of his time pacing back and forth …

“We will supply you with whatever you need until there are no more left of you to supply.” Tehran, November 14 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic asserted again their commitment to combating the existence of the Jewish State until no more Palestinians remain as proxies for that combat, officials in the capital declared today. …

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” muttered the dazed father. “Really? Really? The fugly curtains? Good grief.” Sderot, November 13 – A Palestinian Islamic Jihad missile that hit a house in this southern Israeli hamlet obliterated all the furniture and furnishings in the home’s ground-floor salon except the repulsive window treatments, disappointed residents reported Wednesday. The aftermath …

“The Zionists and their allies will fail in their campaign to subjugate and rule the region because we will do so first.” Tehran, November 6 – Officials in the Islamic Republic of Iran explain the country’s virtual takeover of Iraq and Lebanon, as well as its use of puppet militias and proxy forces in Syria …

“I know I would think twice if I had to face restrictive consequences when I did something wrong again and again. We should really do something like that.” Jerusalem, November 4 – A local gradeschooler who has lost privileges again and again for violating specific household rules asked his parents today whether the government has …

Turkish sources failed to provide concrete evidence of any of the subject assertions. Ankara, October 28 – A day after an audacious American strike may have killed the leader of the notorious Islamic State terrorist group in northeastern Syria, Turkish officials clamored to create international media coverage to the effect that the country had provided the key …

He arrived at his conscious ideological position after years of implementing it in practice. Jerusalem, October 24 – A resident with a propensity for lateness insisted today that his habitual tardiness represents a philosophical position that specifically differs from the punctuality of the culture that gave rise to the Holocaust, and not, as uninformed observer …

“An emerging challenge for the leadership in deflecting attention from its cronyism, nepotism, incompetence, corruption, support for terrorists, warped domestic priorities, and other issues best left shrouded in distraction.” Islamabad, October 3 – A proven political strategy to divert popular resentment from the corrupt, repressive government and toward an outside foe might not remain effective forever, a new …

“Oh, she so wants me,” one witness heard Mr. Pitzek remark for approximately the four hundredth time after passing the receptionist. Tel Aviv, September 26 – An employee at a local firm possesses the uncanny ability to understand each movement, sound, phrase, or facial expression by any female with whom he interacts – and some …

“We know this strategy worked during the Obama administration.” Tehran, September 19 – Regime officials in the Islamic Republic expressed desire this week that their ongoing efforts to sow instability, political violence, ethnic cleansing, and attain regional hegemony will encourage US political figures of a less antagonistic orientation than the current administration to assert themselves …

“Sign language rubs in the faces of the visually impaired that they count less because no one has taken the time to make them feel included.” Tel Aviv, September 17 – Advocates for the rights of the visually-impaired criticized today the use of visual measures to aid the hard-of-hearing in understanding audiovisual media and events, …

Representatives of the agency declined to comment. Vienna, September 10 – A recent exploration of the International Atomic Energy Agency’s various offices and laboratories has turned up evidence that the organization possesses the capacity to conduct effective monitoring of Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons, a fact that critics contend the agency has attempted to conceal. …

He proceeded to call his children to inform them of the milestone, and to bask in the anticipated admiration they would no doubt display. Maale Adummim, September 5 – A resident of this town in the Judean Desert east of Jerusalem gushed with pride today upon mastering the task of setting his VHS machine in advance to …

“Officially, as you know, this is for their own sake, which is why we also build high walls around their camps, we love them so much.” Beirut, August 29 – Residents of Israel’s tiny northern neighbor voiced puzzlement today regarding the Jewish state’s policy of segregation and disenfranchisement perpetrated against Palestinians, noting that despite Lebanon’s …

The government remains peerless in the production, management, and delivery of stupidity. Jerusalem, August 28 – Concern has increased in recent months regarding illegal engagement in blockhead policy-making and decisions, officials acknowledged today, following the publication of a report yesterday indicating that despite regulations limiting the practice of such behavior to ministries and agencies of …

The traditional paradigm cannot account for a not-under-anyone’s-boot Jew. Petra, Jordan, August 21 – Generations of Muslim Arabs throughout the region long knew that no matter how low they sank on the social, economic, or political totem pole, at least they remained higher on it than the Jews, but the developments of the last century-plus …

Official regulations guarantee every citizen a burial plot, but that right extends only to the bare provision of a place of interment; it does not guarantee any specific location, type of grave, or placement next to other deceased relatives. Jerusalem, August 19 – A local resident concerned with the steep price of real estate fears she will …

“Our arsenal of such secret keystroke sequences includes unlimited firepower, impenetrable armor, and, while this might not have clear application at sea, the ability to walk through walls.” Dahran, Saudi Arabia, August 12 – Tensions between the Islamic Republic and the US today following warnings that in an upcoming a video-game-like exercise the regime in …

“The key is to pace yourself.” Jerusalem, August 8 – A local adolescent estimates he only has a day or two left before he reaches the goal he set in June for diminished mental capacity resulting from disuse of his cognitive faculties while school is out. Rafi Sugarman, 17, completed his junior year of high …

“You’ll notice Jewish control always goes hand-in-hand with a more or less functioning, accountable government.” Amman, August 1 – Rulers throughout the Middle East sought this week to assuage concerns that they serve as mere puppets in a vast Jewish conspiracy to manipulate the world, pointing to the fact that unlike Western countries that display …

“It’s all mine. I tried to beat him up and got the crap kicked out of me, but that only proves he cheated. All four times. “ Ramat HaSharon, July 30 – A local ten-year-old voiced concern today that his fourteen-year-old sibling and roommate may have discovered the younger lad’s scheme to displace the teen entirely, …

“Nearly blinked when I first read of it,” recalled a man at the Piccadilly Circus tube station. London, July 23 – Citizens of the United Kingdom expressed their sentiments in unusually strong language upon learning that forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran had captured a British-flagged tanker vessel in the Straits of Hormuz Friday, calling the …

Arab residents have tried to remedy the situation with bombs and incendiary devices to set alight as much farmland and nature as possible. Kibbutz Keturah, July 18 – The sacred Islamic land of Palestine has made clear its existential revulsion for Jews exercising sovereignty there over the last seven decades, demonstrating its disgust with the phenomenon via …

The old model, argue Palestinian scientists, better reflects the truth of a Palestinian-centered solar system and universe. Ramallah, July 11 – The longstanding assumption governing human conception of the solar system and beyond must undergo revision, insists a group of West Bank and Gaza scientists who accuse the scientific mainstream of ignoring definitive evidence that …

“Nothing but ancient fakes designed to hoodwink future archaeologists into believing Zionist propaganda.” Jerusalem, July 10 – Experts examining the evidence unearthed over the decades tying the Jewish people to the areas under current Israeli control note that such discoveries, rather than demonstrating ancient links between modern Jews and their homeland, instead indicate that even …

“This is just plain irresponsible, but, unfortunately, rather in-character for the Israeli premier.” Jerusalem, June 3 – European leaders criticized Israel’s prime minister today for what they termed “irresponsible” and “warmongering” rhetoric after the premier spoke out against Tehran’s launch of an atomic warhead toward the Jewish State but before the weapon had detonated. EU …

At no point in her prepared script did the caller apologize for the intrusion into what in most households represents one of the few stretches of quality family time. Jerusalem, June 27 – A representative of a not-for-profit organization that depends on the generosity of supporters rang your phone while you sat eating with your …

Minister of Foreign Affairs Javad Zarif called such charges baseless, and characterized them as but the latest in ongoing American aggression and colonialism. Tehran, June 20 – A Middle East country whose military and agents maintain a long-running policy of international terrorism, mining shipping in international waters, shooting down aircraft outside its airspace, and pursuing nuclear weapons …

Witnesses noted that Bleeg has decried the injustice of every Harari policy that does not involve leaving. Ramat Gan, June 19 – Controversy continues to swirl around an apartment building in this middle-class Tel Aviv suburb, where one resident of the fifth floor has called for shunning, boycotting, dehumanizing, and expelling the inhabitants of the flat next …

Wealthy Syrians now flaunt their use of food while touting its various health benefits. Damascus, June 12 – Social commentators in the Syrian Arab Republic note an emerging trend among the country’s political and economic elite, a new article states, in which those with the means mark their superior taste and resources by indulging in …

“Just where the sweet spot is – finding that narrow zone of annoyance that makes it almost, but not quite, worth it to change the station or turn off the program.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – A survey of broadcast advertisements in member states of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development found that the …

“If we truly loved our families and friends, we would spare them the everlasting shame and hellfire that awaits those who use drip irrigation.” Tehran, May 30 – The Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran demanded today that nations and organizations cease bringing in Israeli innovators to improve irrigation, water conservation, and other …

“The number of Jews in Germany under threat of attack by antisemites is tiny compared to the number of Jews in Israel facing antisemitic enemies.” North Tel Aviv, May 28 – A man striving to engineer the reduction or elimination of Judaism from public life in the Jewish State voiced frustration today that the Berlin …

“Accepting a peace proposal places before the Palestinian people a challenge their leaders fear they cannot meet: building a society based on constructive ideals, not merely a desire to kill Jews and loot their property.” Gaza City, May 21 – Concerns over the contents of a much-anticipated and much-touted proposal by the American president to engender a …

“Something, anything to prevent the reader from getting the wrong idea that the Palestinian issue mustn’t dominate human consciousness.” Tel Aviv, May 19 – Tragedy struck the Middle East today when a careless reporter omitted the geopolitical context of an annual entertainment event, resulting in the violent killings of 300 in the ensuing riots. A …

Humans abandoned Yarmouk eighty thousand years ago, but the remaining creatures maintain the ancient fight. Damascus, May 8 – Few living things remain on Earth, but the small number of protozoa, bacteria, and other microscopic life forms inhabiting an area best-known for a sprawling Palestinian refugee camp on the outskirts of the Syrian capital continue …

Witnesses reported the presence of both grandmothers in the room at the time. Jerusalem, May 8 – The four-year-old child of a man and woman whose respective ancestries hail from different parts of eastern Europe, and whose grandmothers therefore bring different sensibilities to similarly-named and similarly-conceived dishes, has pronounced his paternal grandmother’s kuggel tastier this …

He suggested Zionists lie behind the attempt to contaminate public discourse with notions of accountability, democracy, and fiduciary propriety. Ramallah, May 1 – The Palestinian president voiced indignance today ahead of a conference on his administration’s financial situation that anyone could suggest he and his cronies answer for any of the problems facing his troubled society. …

“Tel Aviv is a wonderful city – a great place to visit, you might say.” Jerusalem, April 29 – Prominent members of Israel’s cultural and political scenes urged their brethren living in one of the Mediterranean’s most thriving, luxurious cities to embrace a higher calling than their current abode encourages, by making Aliyah. Celebrities and …

The adaptive qualities of the Palestinian resistance movement keep increasing. Ramallah, April 16 – In what scientists are calling the second major scientific breakthrough from the region in as many days, researchers at Bir Zeit University have produced a weapon with the specific characteristics to neutralize a Tel Aviv University medical development announced yesterday. TAU scientists announced …

Tradition dictates the use of blood from a murdered Christian child, but in recent decades Palestinian children of all varieties have all but taken their place, owing to plentiful supply. Jerusalem, April 10 – The expanding selection of top-flight culinary establishments in Israel’s capital city poses a quandary for a local homemaker, who is experiencing …

Calls to sack the professor came from figures in and out of the government. Cairo, April 3 – An academic at Cairo University has sparked a tumult in national media and political circles this week following a televised interview in which he made the brazen argument that not all negative phenomena have origins in Zionist …

Many of the important discoveries or developments of that last several hundred years have ended up saving the lives of those who, because of their moronic behavior, would have died, had their boneheaded acts occurred earlier in history. Tel Aviv, April 3 – Scientists conducting comparative research into the relative intelligence of human beings have …

“His determination not to let the manifest goodness of a Jew get in the way of hating Jews makes me want to be a better Jew-hater myself.” Amman, March 27 – Relatives and friends of a local father of three expressed admiration for him this week as the man continues not to let the lifesaving …

Otherwise, how will genocidal anti-Semites ever get a fair chance to take their case to the public? Tel Aviv, March 25 – Numerous voices on the left end of Israel’s political spectrum find themselves unable to penetrate into the mainstream, but the man behind Israel’s most prestigious daily intends to change that by taking those with …

“Is that even legal?” he wondered. Khan Yunis, March 18 – A resident of this Hamas-governed coastal territory expressed puzzlement today upon encountering others giving out sweets unconnected to the murder of Jews. Hulwayat Q’util, 30, voiced his confusion Monday morning after seeing a group of schoolchildren stopping random passers-by to provide the strangers with …

Paying the electric bill isn’t as sexy as underwriting petitions to the High Court against Israel’s security measures. Jerusalem, March 14 – A member of the Resource Development Department at an influential philanthropic operation in Israel whose mission involves eroding Israel’s status as a Jewish state voiced frustration today as he made repeated unsuccessful attempts …

Or the media from reporting those claims at face value. Khan al-Amar, March 7 – The absence of underground water sources in the vicinity of this makeshift settlement has not impeded the resilient Arab residents of the area in their efforts to demonize the Jewish State for using those water sources to kill them off or …

The ministry sees her an unable to function in her normal capacity with this inquiry hanging over her. Mazkeret Batya, March 5 – A local headmaster faces an ethics inquiry following revelations that the monthly publication put out by the student body offered praise for her policies, an occurrence that accusers claim constitutes bribery. A …

Syria refused numerous extradition requests from European countries that sought to try Brunner for his hand in the deportation to death camps of 129,000 people. Raqqa, Syria, February 26 – A nation that gave sanctuary to one of the Holocaust’s most notorious figures expressed horror this week upon discovering yet another site of wholesale execution …

“The Israeli government has shown it’s willing to provide cash conduits to even the most heinous parties, so as far as this tactic is concerned, more power to Mr. Nussbaum,” stated Mrs. Nussbaum’s spokeswoman. Bnei Brak, February 20 – A local man has followed the lead of the Islamist group that controls the Gaza Strip, …

“At the annual checkup Iran has asked numerous times what the procedure entails, and never hesitates to delve into every detail.” Tehran, February 13 – It maintains a conservative, prim exterior, but this Islamic country harbors an intense desire to have a physician’s fingers inserted up its backside, now that it has reached the recommended …

“I take back my apology for my tweets about AIPAC buying off member of congress,” stated Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN). Jerusalem, February 13 – Opponents of Jews seized an opportunity to denounce the demographic group following the accidental publication of a book that allegedly shows how Jews plan to control the world economy and manipulate governments, but …

Palestinian envoy to the United Nations Riyad Mansour told reporters he would request that his Arab colleagues at the organization draft a Security Council resolution reaffirming every Palestinian as the real Slim Shady. Ramallah, February 6 – Police broke up a riot today at a coffee shop in the de facto Palestinian capital that according …

“It’s like telling us we can’t eat junk food and then chowing down on a bowl of Doritos,” insisted the oldest, 12. Modiin, February 4 – Children of the man who oversees Israel’s clandestine projects to control temperature, winds, precipitation, and other meteorological phenomena around the world complained today that he forbids them to so …

“Our teachers will be free to discuss the German-led extermination of Jews in Europe, provided they phrase their lessons to imply that the Nazis had no choice but to kill all the Jews threatening to overrun Birkenau, Belsen, Mauthausen, and Sobibor, for example, in huge numbers.” Ramallah, January 28 – Palestinian education officials marked yesterday’s observance of …

A spammer who perform his paid work for both shady lenders and political campaigns confirmed that replying to texts with “Remove” as instructed if one wishes not to receive such solicitations in the future has the opposite effect. Kiryat Malachi, January 24 – The approach of national elections this April has many locals feeling excited …

“Do not even get me started on the treatment of women,” snapped Egyptian scholar Alnisa’ Eahirat. Doha, January 17 – A group of societies from the Mediterranean to southeast Asia whose common heritage includes a language that equates dark-skinned Africans with servitude leveled criticism at countries who provide political equality regardless of heritage or skin …

“It’s a challenge, but we embrace this sort of challenge.” Jerusalem, January 15 – Owners and caretakers of canine pets in this city redoubled their efforts this week to cover the sidewalks in dog crap again after a series of winter storms cleared most of the fecal matter away. Heavy rains over the course of …

Authorities vowed to crack down on homosexuals who dance before being hurled to their deaths. Tehran, January 8 – Conservatives in the Islamic Republic railed against the irreverence that a number of homosexuals displayed before their executions this week, following the dissemination of a video recording that captured the condemned men dancing on top of …

“My understanding has always been that ethical behavior was something you only demanded of others.” Tel Aviv, January 2 – Activists and media figures voiced bewilderment today following a display of real, verifiable moral fiber and character on the part of a person showcasing a public measure of care for the oppressed, social justice warriors are reporting. …

The report includes a colorful chart showing embezzlement of large sums from Qatari aid by Hamas leaders as “Infrastructure Investment.” Doha, Qatar, December 26 – An office staffer in the political echelon of the militant Islamist organization that governs the Gaza Strip has taken to exaggerating the attainments of his movement with the monies of …

“It’s quite a departure from the Saint Nick of yore.” Nazareth, December 26 – Children from economically disadvantaged families compared their Christmas presents today to those of better-off friends and neighbors and came to the conclusion that Kris Kringle must dislike them. Youths whose parents struggle to make ends meet told reporters Wednesday that their …

Even a soldier who was only seventeen at war’s end would be pushing ninety today. Tehran, December 19 – Pseudohistorians and activists working to preserve the memory of people who deny there was anything to remember about what the Nazis and their collaborators did to Jews before and during the Second World War expressed concern …

“Disruptions of law and order occur in close connection with these vests, as events in Paris demonstrate.” Jerusalem, December 17 – Law enforcement personnel pummeled a man wearing the signature uniform of a violent anti-government protester this morning, only to discover after the fact that he had donned the garment for visibility purposes following the …

“My gory, agonizing demise is a small price to pay for the utopia he brought about.” Mogadishu, Somalia, December 10 – Departed souls whose bond with their corporeal selves met a premature end in UAV-fired missile attacks before 2017 expressed a measure of solace today that their violent demise occurred as a result of President …

Mr. Ravui’s devotion to Jewish tradition includes a robust embrace of the culinary, with less emphasis on the moral dimension. Ramat HaSharon, December 6 – A local resident whose regular culinary habits consist of such dishes as falafel, kubbeh, French fries, sabih, chicken schnitzel, pancakes, and mozzarella sticks believes his cultural observance of the Jewish Festival of …

“Turkey’s involvement in genocide – the first genocide of the twentieth century, it should be noted – was directed not at Jews, unfortunately, but at Armenians.” Brussels, November 29 – Officials in the European Customs Union shared concerns today that the Republic of Turkey lacks one of the principal qualifications for the membership in the …

The results will surprise many people. Haifa, November 27 – A comprehensive examination of popular winter-holiday music has led scientists to conclude that despite a strong candidacy, the irritating qualities of Christian seasonal music fall short of those that its Jewish counterpart boasts, a new article says. Writing in the journal Yule, the authors from …

“The mullahs of Tehran export an entirely different type of ideology that has led to entirely different worldwide terrorism and instability.” Washington, November 20 – Diplomats, politicians, and activists have seized upon last month’s grisly kidnap and murder of a Saudi journalist to argue that the United States must distance itself from the autocratic state …

“Imagine how history would be different if there had been a social media campaign of this nature and power before the Second World War.” Kiryat Motzkin, November 14 – A resident of this Haifa suburb voiced confusion and frustration today following a period during which he replaced his typical social media avatar with the logo …

Already in 2001, Rainbow Brite and Pet Rocks were viewed as more pertinent to world affairs. Vienna, November 7 – A new assessment of emerging global trends has found that the Palestinian national cause now ranks as less pertinent and important than fads that faded years ago, in some cases decades ago, scientists report. Researchers …

A friend filmed the episode from a distance. Ofer Prison, November 7 – A Palestinian whose attempt to kill an IDF trooper, and to use the excitement of the moment to ask his girlfriend to marry him, fell short of its objective when the soldier avoided the attack and disarmed him, depriving the man of …

“Democracy is a nice word, but it’s a foreign idea that should never have been introduced into the region.” Abu Dhabi, October 31 – A high-profile visit by the Jewish State’s Minister of Culture this week to this Arabian Gulf emirate, coupled with a recent trip to Oman by Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, have regional leaders …

“I thought I’d be more conspicuous,” she admitted. Jerusalem, October 24 – An American anti-Israel activist whose expulsion from the country was overturned by the High Court began her studies today at the Hebrew University, where her radical politics and opposition to Jewish sovereignty made her difficult to distinguish from the majority of lecturers on …

“No criticism seems to emerge from the same quarters regarding Turkey’s or Iran’s use of GMO foods.” Riyadh, October 22 – Officials of King Salman’s royal family sought to assuage ongoing leftist anger at the kingdom over its admitted role in the abduction, murder, and dismemberment of an anti-regime journalist several days ago by asserting …

“We have a lot to learn from them in terms of structural and system integrity.” Jerusalem, October 16 – Rakkevet Yisrael, the government-owned corporation that runs the country’s rail network, announced today that following a malfunction in an underground passageway that rendered a passenger train from Tel Aviv immobile for several hours Monday, they would …

“I get that’s it’s a bad movie. Is it because of the ethnicity of the film’s director? That wasn’t made clear, in my opinion.” Ramallah, October 9 – Materials distributed to mosque officials by the Palestinian government today contained a printing error, eyewitnesses are reporting, resulting in at least one imam calling on worshipers to …

A campaign being run by a piece of actual, physiological crap is shaping up to be the cleanest Israel has ever seen. Jerusalem, October 4 – A cohesion of canine fecal matter sat so long on the pavement of Israel’s capital city that it has evolved a consciousness and communication skills, according to a spokesman, …

Materials distributed by the office of the president provided details of the dovetailing strategies. Ramallah, September 5 – Leaders of the Palestinian national movement gave formal approval today to a long-time Israeli strategy aimed at causing the international community to feel irritation and revulsion each time Palestinian issues arise, a spokesman for President Mahmoud Abbas …

NIF leaders have scrambled to perform damage control amid the spread of the allegations. Jerusalem, August 2 – A leading organization in far-left Israeli politics and social change found itself the target of criticism from former allies as word spread that despite its progressive credentials, it has failed to integrate the most vulnerable and powerless …

“We might be witness to an adaptive behavior developing in real time, and that’s always of interest.” Arabian Gulf, August 1 – Cephalopods aiming to strike a visceral chord among the public in fomenting animosity and suspicion against political or ideological opponents use visual caricatures of them as Judeophobes. Observers of the marine invertebrate community …

“This is is just a foul situation.” Beer Sheva, July 24 – A user complained of an unpleasant odor emanating from his desktop today following an incident in which instead of installing the latest version of the Office suite of applications, he had the similar-sounding but differently-functioning Orifice suite by mistake. Colin P. Tabaat, 32, …

Judean agents deployed in the Parthian capital had identified an old grain silo on the outskirts of the city as the storage facility housing the secret trove. Jerusalem, July 19 – The administration of Queen Salome scored an intelligence and public relations coup this week with the announcement that agents of her kingdom had obtained …

The chief concern among every single one crossing your path is how best to disrupt your movements and maximize your hassles. Ben Gurion Airport, July 17 – A survey of the hundreds of thousands of travelers passing through Israel’s largest international airport reveals that every single one scheduled their trip to coincide with yours and …

Firms find a silver lining in being able to identify and support causes through sponsorship of events and groups in Britain such as Roger Waters, War on Want, and others with unassailable antisemitic bona fides. London, July 12 – Financial services companies issued metaphorical sighs of relief this week upon realizing that despite being forced …

“Unless those quotas are met, parents will be confronted with the prospect of having usable space in their homes, and that would be a disaster.” Jerusalem, July 4 – A nursery school educator in the Nahalat Ahim neighborhood of the capital faces disciplinary action this week following a period in which she failed to send …

News of Israel stealing Iran’s rain clouds broke earlier his week when an Iranian general made the accusation in an address. Qom, July 5 – Masses of atmospheric water droplets and other particles forced to remain in the skies over the Islamic Republic of Iran insisted they harbor no resentment over not being selected for …

“What an insult to the consumer’s intelligence.” Nahariya, June 26 – Observers of the economy noted this week that an advertising agency appears to believe there exists some sort of inherent connection between the FIFA’s international championship tournament and a group of utility motor vehicles associated with agriculture, construction, hauling, and related fields. Weinstein-Shohat Ltd., …

The rial has lost almost half its value since the end of 2017, and keeps falling. Isfahan, June 27 – Protesters gathered across the Islamic Republic today amid worsening financial and economic woes, and demanded that the country’s leadership address the plummeting currency by mandating payment of wages in the comparatively stable monetary units of pre-Nazi …

“Oh, crap, she’s probably going to describe the spinners as ‘fleeky’ or something.” Carmiel, June 24 – A mother of three in this middle-class northern town will soon hit upon the idea that a gyroscope-like toy that peaked in popularity last year represents the trendiest product on the market for kids right now, and begin …

He appears to be under the misapprehension that Holocaust denial suffices. Tehran, June 24 – A popular on-air commentator in Iran faces charges of libel after he launched into a Judaeophobic tirade during his program that proved insufficiently Judaeophobic for the mullahs who run the country. Police escorted Alqildeh Jouz of Radio Quds, a station …

“We’re confident we can have everything ready for next year in plenty of time for the one in ten years.” Jerusalem, June 19 – Municipal officials in Israel’s capital boasted today that preparations for next year’s prestigious international song contest have begun, and if Israel in fact decides to hold the event in this city, …

“It’s usually not a big deal – I mean, balloons are for burning, or at least attaching burning things to.” Khan Younis, June 18 – Tension gripped this refugee-camp-cum-urban-jungle this afternoon following an outbreak of violence at a celebration for a local boy’s tenth birthday where an argument over who got to extinguish the flaming …

“Judging from the selfish, entitled way Israelis act on airplanes, on the roads, in restaurants, and while waiting for anything, we realized Israelis are positively the last group to respond to initiatives of this sort.” Kibbutz Sde Eliyahu, June 11 – Israel’s Office of the Prime Minister and Ministry of Foreign Affairs released a video …

“Have you tried this? It’s amazing.” `Ein el-Hilweh Refugee Camp, June 10 – Residents of this and other UN-administered locales for the descendants of people who fled their homes after Israel declared statehood maintain that blended stalks of immature grain – a food no sane human would profess to find appealing – is delicious and …

“It’s that nexus of sports and politics where the real greed, graft, extortion, and other dirt have to be well established for FIFA to even look your way, and unfortunately for us, we’re not at that level.” Ramat Gan, May 31 – Amid talk of Qatar’s possible forfeit of its bid to hold association football’s …

“When will the world understand what we face in Palestine?” Khan Yunis, May 31 – Palestinian terrorist factions who had hoped to trigger a bloody Israeli response to more than 100 rockets and mortar shells launched from the Gaza Strip voiced criticism of the Jewish State today for only hitting unmanned positions in retaliation, forcing …

Without repeated mention of the same units as if they represent many different ones, the world will remain unable to characterize Israel’s settlement policy as “beholden to far-right settlement zealots.” Beit El, Binyamin Regional Council, May 23 – Housing starts in this community north of Jerusalem were put on hold this week following revelations that …

“It forfeits all verisimilitude when it ignores the defining aspect of Muslim life.” Cairo, May 24 – Viewers across the region anticipate the onset of the monthlong Ramadan observance each year, either for the spiritual development it represents or for the special entertainment the government-run media in the Middle East produce to accompany each evening’s festive …

“We’re the people you want to get this kind of job done,” boasted chief Avi Nissenkorn. “We’ve been doing this for decades, and no one’s better at it.” Ashdod Port, May 15 – Years of questionable success at crippling Israel’s economic position and prosperity have led the leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions (BDS) movement …

The party’s efforts to prevent supporters of other factions from casting votes should have resulted in much larger gains. Beirut, May 8 – Iran’s proxy arm in Lebanon made important parliamentary gains Monday, but despite celebrations among Hezbollah loyalists around the country, some in the movement accuse election authorities of mishandling the ballot count after …

“Sometimes this carwashing activity also features an application of polish, though that requires additional expense and time.” Tel Aviv, May 8 – Human rights and civil rights groups lambasted the Jewish state again this week, this time pointing to the country’s alleged attempt to distract from its treatment of Palestinians by engaging in having automobiles …

It took the Romans hundreds of years to give us the number of ruins and abandoned sites for which they are celebrated. Damascus, May 6 – Researchers of the distant past expressed their thrill today that the Republic of Syria will soon consist of little more than destroyed buildings, abandoned cities, and the evidence of …

Flour, to the untrained eye, looks like other white powders, some of which can be dangerous, even deadly. Rosh HaAyin, May 2 – Counterterrorism agents, chemical and biological warfare experts converged on a two-story home in this sleepy Tel Aviv suburb this morning following a panicked call by a local father and husband that a …

The stolen binders were replaced by replicas containing nothing but old copies of the Qur’an. Tehran, May 1 – Iran’s Supreme Leader discovered a secret passageway in his headquarters that Israeli intelligence used in obtaining a large quantity of classified material on the Islamic Republic’s nuclear weapons program, PreOccupied Territory has learned, after checking behind a …

“The trappings and institutions of a normal Islamic community and society play a pivotal role in the gradual process of recovery and restabilization.” Dubai, April 26 – Efforts to restore the major northern Iraqi city of Mosul to its former glory following liberation from the Islamic State received a significant boost this week with a …

“Redolent of the social criticism of Sartre.” Tel Aviv, April 25 – A pile of fresh human excrement in the corner of a gallery room displaying modern sculpture and paintings has sat untouched for six hours, witnesses report, as both visitors and the exhibit curators appear to believe it belongs on display with the objets …

“I can just feel the relevance and newness of yet another violent encounter between Arab rioters and Jews. No wonder they get all the attention.” Isfahan, April 19 – Several months into civil unrest in Iran, the protests and their violent suppression now attract little or no coverage in Western media, participants noted today, the …

“Only losers, if you’ll pardon my frankness, who can’t think for themselves must depend on the likes of Rogel Alpher for regular doses of self-loathing, pessimist weltschmerz, and can’t generate it on their own.” Tel Aviv, April 19 – The Jewish State celebrates its seventieth anniversary today, an occasion that the writers, editors, and publisher …

The capabilities, range, and other aspects of Stroke of Genius remain unknown quantities, causing consternation in Arab capitals and among high-ranking members of terrorist organizations. Beirut, April 11 – The head of a militant Islamist group dedicated to the violent destruction of Israel and the establishment of an Islamic state of Palestine in its place …

To make matters worse, continued Ms. Meir, in the interest of good customer relations she must conceal her frustration and annoyance. Rishon LeTzion, April 12 – A member of the floor staff at this furniture and housewares superstore has just about had it with men who think themselves clever and original when they flirt with …

“Chemical weapons? No, that couldn’t be right. Obama and Kerry promised Russia would take care of removing Assad’s stockpile.” New York, April 9 – Human Rights groups and international organizations have difficulty discerning that people in Syria are being slaughtered and subjected to atrocities such as chemical weapons, representatives are reporting, because the manifest greatness …

The feat bests the previous record forty-eight hours, set in 2008, by a family in Skokie, Illinois. Jerusalem, April 4 – Officials from Guinness World Records confirmed a new mark today upon certifying that the children of a local family are still playing with the presents they received four nights ago for finding a hidden piece of …

“What more fitting gesture could there be to demonstrate that appreciation than the very item that served us so well in selling the deal to the American public?” Chicago, March 27 – The president who engineered the nuclear pact with Iran concerning the Islamic Republic’s weapons program has decided to present the regime with the …

“The passenger apparently subjected the vehicle to one or two more iterations of ‘Copacabana’ than any being can handle.” Maale Adummim, March 21 – An automated vehicle destroyed itself and its human cargo this morning by careening through a roadside barrier and tumbling down a steep hillside because the person inside kept playing terrible music, …

“Otherwise it means we’re totally ignored, unimportant, and who could accept the shame?” Ramallah, March 13 – Residents of refugee camps and areas under Palestinian self-rule voiced resignation today at being manipulated and having their plight co-opted by cynical international actors, but found the silver lining in the situation by noting that at least when …

“We are considering this an Active Heresy situation, and have deployed our personnel accordingly to address this threat.” Ramat Aviv Gimmel, March 14 – Police rushed to a high school in this northern neighborhood of Tel Aviv this morning upon receiving word that at least one student had wielded ideas not approved by the administration, …

An agreement between Riyadh and New Delhi last month opened Saudi skies to Air India craft flying to and from Israel, the first time the Saudis will allow any flight to or from Israel to cross its airspace. Gaza City, March 12 – Recent development in Middle East air traffic have prompted leaders of the …

“This year we succeeded in coordinating all route blockages so that all of them can take place as planned, and none are omitted.” Jerusalem, March 8 – Municipal officials vowed today that the sections of streets blocked off for special events taking place tomorrow and for infrastructure work over the next several weeks will be …

“Just as we want the immigrants from those countries in Sweden to feel welcome, we want want to make our hosts comfortable when we go there.” Stockholm, March 6 – Following a trip to Iran last year marked by the female ministers of Sweden’s government donning headscarves in a nod to local mores enforced by …

The notice failed to clarify how this set of dangerous behaviors differs from encounters with local culture any other day of the year. Tel Aviv, March 1 – Notices went out to American diplomats and their families today to the effect that official business may not take place at any venue hosting a Purim party …

After playing a key role in showcasing Western inability to check Iran, they remain at a loss to explain what might make Iran think they could do whatever they want and face no consequences. Washington, February 28 – Diplomats and political figures instrumental in handing the Middle East to Iran on a silver platter and …

Rashlan was convicted of criminally negligent homicide following a 2017 incident. Rosh HaAyin, February 21 – A crane operator whose negligence resulted in the death of an Israeli Jew filed a lawsuit against the Palestinian Authority today after discovering he was not eligible to receive a lifetime pension that the Authority pays to killers of Jews. …

It’s a model that has served human rights groups for quite some time. Evin Prison, February 21 – Activists at some of the world’s leading human rights advocacy organizations have been paying close attention to the atrocities and abuses taking place inside the Islamic Republic of Iran’s prison system, recording crimes so they can later …

It would otherwise be followed by weirdness as they continue to walk toward each other but have nothing more to say. Rehovot, February 13 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have succeeded in quantifying the maximum distance at which two approaching acquaintances can act as if neither one recognized the other until that …

“Everyone knows this is what happens to gays in this land, and always will, at least for another 2,500 years.” Hamadan, February 15 – Citizens of this Achaemenid realm voiced bewilderment today upon being informed that despite the method by which their bodies were mistreated, not a single one of the men hanged by order …

“This is a violation of the drone’s human rights,” declared Amnesty International. Tel Aviv, February 12 – Advocates of offering full residential rights to illegal migrants criticized the Israeli military today for shooting down an Iranian unmanned vehicle Saturday, arguing that the aircraft should have been given all the legal protections due someone escaping oppression …

The mullahs’ regime, which also oppresses non-Shiite Arabs within Iran, maintains a policy of making pronouncements on the importance of Palestinians determining their own fate. Tehran, February 8 – A Middle Eastern state engaged in multiple military conflicts in the region in which its forces or proxies have killed tens of thousands of indigenous residents of …

It continued with a litany of other grievances, notable among them the apparent deafness of GOD to centuries of complaints. Holon, February 6 – A trade group representing buyers of female reproductive partners has accused the manufacturer of designing the units to age prematurely. The General Union of Youth Sustainability (GUYS), based outside Tel Aviv, …

“I am confident we can count on Jordan, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, and other Arab states to provide hospitality for untold generations of this new population of refugees.” Geneva, January 31 – Officials at the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees disclosed today that they are lobbying various governments to support an expansion …

“If you ask me, there’s something fishy going on there.” Jaffa, January 31 – A prophet trying to escape his mission had no choice but to purchase an entire vessel when a labor stoppage by union workers delayed the departure of a boat on which he had secured passage. Jonah ben Amittai, a seer of …

The project could have launched earlier but for the culture of underachievement that already pervades the organization. Jerusalem, January 23 – In its effort to integrate new technologies and methods into its practices, the Postal Authority has been examining the Syrian regime tactic of dropping canisters of flaming petroleum our of helicopters as a possible …

“No one ever stopped to consider other ways of preventing the Holocaust, such as preventing Hitler’s parents from meeting, or arranging his acceptance to art school.” Tel Aviv, January 24 – Publishing house Kinneret-Zmora-Bitan announced today it has secured the rights to the autobiography of a man who served as protector of the young Adolph …

In the interest of free speech, members of the rival organization Hamas will be barred from attending. Ramallah, January 22 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas completed thirteen years of his four-year term as president two weeks ago, and will pay residents of the Palestinian Authority to attend a public celebration in honor of the achievement, …

“We monitor our customer satisfaction metrics all the time to ensure we’re not letting anyone outside our circle of cronies experience any.” Jerusalem, January 18 – A company that charged your account far in excess of what you owed them for the services or products it provided will gladly refund the extra if you jump …

“Our crops will suffer otherwise.” Amman, January 16 – Popular discontent at a longstanding peace agreement with Israel has residents of the Hashemite kingdom calling for the country’s ambassador to be withdrawn from the Jewish State, hopefully carrying some drinkable water when he makes the trip. Solidarity with Palestinians and a strong Islamist streak among …

“It takes a special sort of idiot, or a tourist, I suppose, to think it’s worth paying to urinate.” Jerusalem, January 11 – Confusion has reigned in Israel since the introduction of public toilet facilities that require payment for use, as the phenomenon has left them wondering why anyone would spend money on something that …

It seems to be taken out of The Transformers, He-Man, or something else made to appeal to a ten-year-old. Tehran, January 10 – Political commentators and officials have taken note recently that despite the caricatured, moralizing fantasy connotations of the term, there exists a country controlled by a person with the title “Supreme Leader.” The Islamic Republic …

“I have gained so much damn weight during this research.” Tel Aviv, January 3 – A survey of foodstuffs available in Israel has determined that dishes adopted or adapted from foods Palestinians claim as theirs, and whose use by Israelis represents an attempt to erase indigenous culture, taste damned good. The study, which examined the restaurant, …

“Iran effectively controls Iraq, Syria, Yemen, and Lebanon, and they’ve got serious sway over in the Gaza Strip, so it couldn’t be much of a stretch.” Tehran, January 3 – Swelling protests against the regime of the Ayatollahs continued today, several days after the government ordered social media apps such as Instagram disabled in a …

Even the minority of non-American respondents who did not liken hearing American-accented Hebrew to having one’s toenails pulled out with pliers nevertheless rated the experience as negative. Jerusalem, December 26 – A survey of both native-born and longtime-immigrant Israelis reveals that most would rather undergo traumatic physical assault than be subjected to hearing Hebrew spoken …

“We could call on our people to riot in response, but I think that would kind of make their point for them,” admitted a Jordanian official. Cairo, December 28 – Continued unrest in the region following US President Donald Trump’s announcement two weeks ago that it will relocate its Tel Aviv embassy to Israel’s capital …

“In exchange for a small fee, I schmooze with some organizers and police, and there you go.” Tel Aviv, December 25 – Saturday night’s demonstration on Rothschild Boulevard against graft, cronyism, and other breaches of public trust in government marked the latest in a series of protests against the status quo, including both a controversial …

“A sophisticated propaganda campaign, perhaps, might account for the people streaming out of our Islamic paradise.” Riyadh, December 21 – Leaders of several Mideast states governed by Islamic Law voiced confusion regarding the phenomenon in which hundreds of thousands of Muslims attempt to escape the Heaven-on-Earth that Sharia law creates, headed for the degenerate infidel …

“Not sure what their business model is – not that I’m complaining.” Jaffa, December 19 – An area enthusiast of consuming human flesh admitted today he was anxious to sample the wares at a local facility that houses battered women, sources are reporting. Akul Lahmi Albashar, 35, informed his friends yesterday that it had come …

“It’s hard to get behind a generic ‘I don’t like this’ orgy of violence,” explained Mustafa Massikr, 19. Ramallah, December 13 – Youths in the Palestinian-administered territories admitted uncertainty today regarding the specific offense they are meant to be resisting via violent protest, given the plethora of triggers under discussion in Arab media of late. While …

Some members of the FPA worried that they might not be able to adhere to the 35:1 guideline. Jerusalem, December 13 – Several weeks of deliberation among bureau chiefs of foreign media organizations have resulted in a joint decision to set the quantity of attention given to attacks on Palestinians at exactly thirty-five times the …

The court found that Turkic peoples invaded Anatolia and that they are not native to the region. Brussels, December 6 – European leaders followed up their negative reaction to American recognition of Israel as Jerusalem’s capital Wednesday by addressing another historic wrong in the region: the alien presence and control of Turkey by non-native peoples, …

Initial efforts to eliminate Jews as a people first occurred during the latter half of the sixth century BCE. Jerusalem, December 6 – Despite thousands of years’ worth of efforts to eradicate them and demonstrate the world does not want them, Jews persist in arrogant defiance of popular will by remaining in existence, and in …

“I would hope that Netanyahu seizes this opportunity to cultivate closer relations and greater coordination with the current Obama administration, but he’s not doing that.” Kochav Yair, December 4, 2017 – Former Prime Minister and Former Minister of Defense Ehud Barak continued his latest attempt at a political comeback this week by giving a series …

Community leaders have issued public castigation of the police for alleged impotence or timidity in enforcing laws among Arabs, alongside accusations that the police consistently apply a heavier hand in dealing with Arab suspects than when facing Jewish ones. Umm El-Fahm, November 29 – Leaders of the Arab sector in Israel criticized the police again …

“Next you’re going to tell me a school has a function other than storing weapons to use against Jews.” Tehran, November 22 – Technical specialists in Iran’s capital sent a ripple through the country’s construction industry Tuesday morning with the revelation that cranes, from which homosexuals are hanged in public, can also be used in …

Palestinians have rendered hot air effectively inexhaustible. Moscow, November 22 – Environmental groups welcomed the announcement today of an agreement between Russia and the Palestinian Authority to provide the former with a large supply of hot air with which to heat residences and workplaces this winter. Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, and other prominent ecology-minded organizations …

The guide will soon be released as an app for mobile devices. Tel Aviv, November 22 – Activists combating what they call Israeli appropriation of indigenous Palestinian culture have published a culinary guide that will help users determine whether by the food they eat they are engaging in colonialist imperialism by eating dishes with local …

Palestinian observers who Israel claims were not present at the meeting characterized it as yet another example of Israeli perfidy. Tel Aviv, November 19 – Media reportage that presents the details of incidents in which Israel’s description matches observable reality must present that description at face value and refrain from casting doubt on its veracity …

Observers welcome it as a sign that traditional Saudi society can adapt quickly to such changes. Riyadh, November 16 – Following a change to the law last month that saw the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia make it legal for women to drive motor vehicles, the society has begun to shift toward the norm in countries …

100,000 bald men wearing these devices and spending at least six hours per week in sunlight can sustain 800 kWh of consumption. Rechovot, November 15 – Weizmann Institute of Science researchers have developed a method to reduce dependence on fossil fuels by harnessing the solar energy that gets reflected off the scalps of hairless men, a spokesman for the …

“Hey, that’s not fair,” objected Muhammad Chalabi, 45, a father of six originally from a Damascus suburb. “I don’t want to rebuild my life.” Near the border with southern Syria, Jordan, November 9 – Former residents of Syria who fled the brutality either of the Assad regime or Islamist militias and now find themselves relegated …

“I could swear this is supposed to be part of my job – I read it in those Algerian and Libyan journals, and in all that literature from Palestinian human rights NGOs.” Safed, November 9 – A surgeon at Israel’s closest major hospital to the border with Syria voiced disbelief today at having received zero …

“We will continue our work,” one scientist was quoted as saying. “But so far the results have proved disappointing.” Stanford, November 1 – Scientists testing the principles of theoretical physics have so far been unable to create hypothetical situations in which an action by Israel will not be construed as a threat to the peace …

While once upon a time the Palestinian predicament elicited genuine sympathy, their leadership and allies have consistently opted for policies and rhetoric that damn the Palestinians to continued misery. Rehovot, November 2 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have succeeded in generating the smallest-ever violin to play in acknowledgment of the Palestinian plight, …

Terrorists’ inboxes must be safeguarded from the crap that accumulates in everyone else’s. Washington, October 29 – Online transaction giant PayPal found itself in legal trouble this week after federal authorities noticed that the company’s constant, ubiquitous, unceasing flood of emails offering instant approval for loans had been sent to accounts linked to the terrorist …

The situation is made all the more puzzling to the cat in light of her impending third litter of kittens. Jerusalem, October 28 – A street-dwelling feline that found shelter and food scraps in a neighborhood home is experiencing difficulty in figuring out what makes the humans who sometimes appear there kick her out when …

Under Queen Victoria, British archaeologists and adventurers scoured the world for treasures and shipped them back home, where they now take pride of place at London exhibits. Baghdad, October 24 – Black-market operatives in the archaeological field hoping to score big payouts from looting sites in chaotic areas of the Middle East have voiced repeated …

The father’s compelling pretense extends even to the mothers of children not in the same child care facility. Jerusalem, October 23 – A local man who picks up and drops off his child at preschool has cultivated a keen ability to maintain the appearance of not staring at, commenting on, or even letting on that …

“That’s a shame. We like to think big.” Washington, October 19 – Diplomats in Washington, London, Paris, and other capitals voiced disappointment this week that despite betraying Kurds and insisting they not pursue sovereignty after years of indispensable Kurdish help in defeating the Islamic State and stabilizing their portion of fragmented Iraq, they would be …

Prisoners are assigned constructive or rehabilitative work as a matter of course in most societies,” explained the Deputy Warden of Megiddo Prison. Tel Aviv, October 18 – Human Rights Groups have raised concerns that Israel perpetrates unlawful psychological abuse against prisoners by having them compose thank-you notes for gifts received by children for their bar- …

Prisoners undergoing torture in Palestinian Authority jails were unavailable for comment. Jerusalem, October 8 – A new survey of Arab residents of the contested city of Jerusalem indicates that not only do they wish to remain under Israeli sovereignty, rather than be subject to the Palestinian Authority, but an overwhelming majority of them would rather …

Most of the activists remain unaware that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers did perform in Israel in 1987, as those activists were not yet born. Nablus, October 3 – Following the passing last night of American pop icon Tom Petty, activists attempting to target the Jewish State with a cultural embargo forever stowed their placards …

Experts cited the episodic wars between Iran-backed militant groups and Israel, in which thousands of Arabs, i.e. not people from Iran, have been killed. Tehran, September 28 – Iranian officials, presiding over a nation of non-Arabs, restated today their determination to combat Israel and Western interests in the region even as far as the death …

“Perhaps some has-been musicians can advocate a strategy to isolate and punish Palestinians until they internalize the need to respect the human rights of Israelis.” Har Adar, Spetember 27 – Three Israelis were killed and a fourth seriously injured in yet another attack by a Palestinian yesterday, prompting doubts among Israel’s population regarding the wisdom …

The Middle East isn’t used to competent administration; it would be irresponsible to introduce such a thing. Mosul, September 24 – Analysts from a cadre of nations and entities monitoring the fluid, chaotic situation in the Middle East have concluded that establishing an independent, coherent state for Kurds where they already enjoy de facto autonomy …

“Soon, the wokest hot take on any development won’t just be the province of Slate, Vox, or Jezebel.” Tel Aviv, September 19 – Engineers and physicists working on a joint project between Tel Aviv University and the research departments of several communications companies have created the most powerful virtue-signaling equipment to date, which they claim …

The Syrian approach is scalable to the entire region. Damascus, September 13 – Officials of President Basher Assad’s regime boasted today that prejudice-monitoring agencies in the country had recorded no verbal or physical assaults against Jews in the last 12 months, sparking hope that when the dwindling Jewish population of Syria disappears over the next …

“The question is not whether we will meet the specific criteria of rolling out the grading reform by a target date, but how inclusive are we?” Jerusalem, September 13 – In an effort to keep Israeli educational practices on pace with standards elsewhere in the developed world, the Ministry of Education will direct schools to …

Observers note that Foreet could accept responsibility for the misunderstanding and undertake to exercise greater care in selecting products for purchase, but such a course of action would require violation of at least two taboos. Balagan, Saudi Arabia, September 11 – Confusion reigned today after a local husband sought to vent his displeasure at his …

The exhibit will open this afternoon following a short memorial service for the hijackers. Ramallah, September 11 – Curators at the Museum of Palestine just outside the territory’s de facto capital have announced the acquisition of new items, which will be displayed for the first time today, to mark the sixteenth anniversary of the September 11, …

“Syrian civilians just aren’t an important voting demographic, so they got the shaft.” Washington, September 7 – Retraction of a report by the Holocaust Museum that whitewashed President Obama’s inaction to prevent Syrian regime forces from continuing to commit mass murder and other atrocities has prompted one former aide to explain that the forty-fourth president …

by Ali Latdam Review by PreOccupied Territory Staff The Harvested Palestinian Organs Cookbook purports to be the first of its kind, and to some degree that holds true: no one else has yet compiled a cookbook consisting only and specifically of recipes containing the tissues and organs of one ethnic group. But the work turns …

The body count in Yemen and Saudi Arabia is much higher than all the violence in Gaza over the years put together, and the physical destruction more extensive. Aden, Yemen, September 3 – The proxy war raging on the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula between American allies and Iranian-backed insurgents has claimed tens of thousands …

“It’s a harmless little obsession that only occasionally drives us to the brink of bankruptcy, causes us to miss family events, and damages his relationship with other people.” Jerusalem, August 30 – Ohr Mizrahi, 40, has all but fused his sense of self-esteem, accomplishment, and self to the performance of a group of gaily-clad men …

“We apologize to our viewers and readers for the insensitivity displayed to date in our reporting and analysis vis-à-vis the depiction of Jews as scum-sucking vermin.” Doha, August 29 – Responding to concerns of viewers and activists over discrimination, Al Jazeera and other media operations in the Arab and Muslim world have promised to achieve …

As the import of the announcement sank in, the assembly of journalists transformed into profanity-laced pandemonium. Givatayim, August 28 – An investigation into the automated system that channels incoming calls to various organization departments has found that despite a greeting that admonishes callers to listen carefully before selecting an extension because menu options have changed, …

“This should be no different from when he ordered physics textbooks altered to replaced the word res- I mean the word that describes the degree to which a conductor does not allow the passage of electrical current.” Ankara, August 24 – The President of Turkey has instructed publishing houses and other media that produce reference …

It takes effect on the first day of school next week, but sooner if you really need it. Jerusalem, August 23 – To recognize the necessary exception to traffic regulations, the Ministry of Transport has enacted rules allowing you, specifically, to disregard laws when obeying them would prevent you from getting to your destination on time. …

“We had hoped that eventually the Americans would begin jailing, torturing, even executing critics, just to show they are serious about this commitment.” Tehran, August 20 – Diplomatic and political officials in Iran lambasted American foreign policy today and threatened to abandon the agreement that regulates the Islamic Republic’s nuclear weapons program, asserting that the agreement …

Retail groups pushed heavily for the change, preferring to have the option of blaming restrictions imposed from the outside for unpleasant conditions in their stores. Tel Aviv, August 17 – For the first time in more than two decades, the agency that oversees the retail industry has increased the minimum number of supermarket checkout lanes that …

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” stated a burkha-clad woman shooting fearful looks at her husband. “Please go away.” Gaza City, August 15 – Two weeks after activists posted a scheduled demonstration on behalf of women’s rights and against patriarchal dominance, no Facebook users have registered their intention to participate, organizers are reporting. SlutWalk …

“I’ve already had it up to here with these people.” Tel Aviv, August 14 – A blogger who fled to Israel last week amid deportation threats in Turkey took very little time to adjust to her new surroundings, and has now pronounced the residents of Israel’s second-largest city insufferable. Neda Amin, a Persian-language blogger who …

There is a direct male lineage traceable in seventy-five percent of Palestinians to the Khazars. Stockholm, August 10 – In what scholars are calling an upheaval in demographic research, a new study has determined that the modern Palestinian population descends from a southeastern Europe and Central Asian group, and not, as is widely assumed or claimed, from …

The urgency of the appointment increased over recent weeks. Amman, August 9 – King Abdullah of Jordan approved the appointment today of a new chief for the Ministry of Badmouthing Israel While Depending on Her for Survival, sources in the Hashemite capital reported today. A spokesman for the ministry told reporters that the king had …

“We’ve seen it with falafel, and to a similar extent with hummus, tahini, shakshuka, shawarma, sabih, and numerous other Near Eastern and Levantine dishes.” Jerusalem, August 9 – Ohr Ben-Zikri, 22, might have finished only one year of culinary school, but she already has her eyes set on an ambitious goal: to create new delicacies …

“The Temple Mount crisis was relatively small potatoes, but still expensive to engineer,” confessed a Jordanian official. Tel Aviv, July 30 – Rulers of Arab and Muslim states in the Middle East and beyond voiced frustration today at the increasing costs of engaging Israel’s secret intelligence service to manufacture crises for purposes of diverting Arab …

During the interview, alleged Rahamim, the supervisor of the unit kept looking at the candidate’s hands in a way that suggested something was amiss. Jerusalem, July 26 – A candidate for a position as a clerk at a Meuhedet Sick Fund facility in the capital claimed today that her application was rejected because she did …

“The threat of us becoming an Islamist terrorist state is the only leverage we can credibly bring to bear.” Amman, July 26 – Authorities in the Hashemite kingdom on the east bank of the Jordan River are looking to make positive enhancements to the existing template for relations with Israel, which involves condoning or encouraging …

The results of the study call into question the benefits people seek when they engage in such pointless, possibly destructive, behavior. Beersheva, July 24 – An extensive study that cross-referenced online habits with the frequency and intensity of horrible stories receiving media coverage has demonstrated no link between obsessive checking of the latest developments with …

It’s the Jews pursuing success and prosperity only to make Palestinians, and Arabs in general, look like backward barbarians by comparison. Damascus, July 19 – Just a few dozen kilometers to the southwest of the Syrian capital, Israeli soldiers have been delivering food, medicine, and other essentials to beleaguered Syrian civilians caught in a war …

“NONONONONONONONOOOOOOO,” explained a spokestoddler. Hod HaSharon, July 20 – A group of two-year-olds at a local day care center have registered their objections to the removal of unlimited junk food by announcing that tomorrow they will hold a “day of rage” against the authorities for imposing such an unjust situation on them. Eleven toddlers at …

Precise casualty figures on the giftwrap-related disaster are hard to come by, but estimates range from just under 300,000 dead to more than 500,000. Homs, Syria, July 17 – Half a million people were killed across the region this decade after Iran’s unwrapping a present from the administration of Barack Obama, consisting of almost the …

A spokeswoman for the arena insisted in a telephone interview this morning that all proper procedures had been followed. Tel Aviv, July 16 – A ticket holder at Hayarkon Park contended this morning that arena staff would not let him enter the facility because he was not carrying a mobile device with which to record …

The official described the diplomatic consequences as a secondary goal of the move, with the primary aim inflicting political damage on rival Hamas. Ramallah, July 12 – Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas intends to follow up on the severe reduction of exit permits for Gazans to receive treatment in Israel and the West Bank by …

“An ignorant observer might conclude that the goal of the activists has little to do with helping Palestinians and everything to do with demonizing Israel.” Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 10 – Analysts are struggling to explain the puzzling absence of aid flotillas carrying precious fuel for the electricity-generating plants in this coastal territory, given …

“This is… uninformed,” answered a polite Mahmoud Abbas. Ramallah, July 6 – Prominent officials in Palestinian government and society voiced surprise and confusion today when informed that you believe the welfare of everyday Palestinians matters to them. Leaders of the dominant Fatah faction and the rival, Islamist movement Hamas confessed being perplexed this morning upon …

“We dodged a bullet,” declared Moel Kaspi, an Executive Vice President. Tel Aviv, July 5 – Personnel at Clal Insurance held an emergency session today following an incident in which an investor came close to comprehending the Byzantine, Labyrinthian terms and conditions governing his retirement fund. Clal executives and mid-level investment advisers, who formulate the …

“It looks like there are reports of stuff happening, or about to happen, or that might happen if something doesn’t change.” Doha, July 2 – Some significant developments are going on in the Persian Gulf nation of Qatar, according to local sources whose job it is to notice such events. Journalists on the ground in …

For veteran Palestinian educators, the feelings are all too familiar. Jenin, June 28 – Educators in the Palestinian Authority school system and in the parallel institutions run by the United nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees voiced concern this week over the impending two-month summer break from formal studies, during which the hard …

Officials in Riyadh, Cairo, Dubai, and elsewhere went as far as to alter photos of aerial military exercises to show their rivals’ fighters collaborating with the Israel Air Force. Riyadh, June 27 – Tensions between competing alliances of Arab and Muslim countries intensified again today as each side produced doctored photos purporting to show aircraft …

Team members stressed the broad impact of their findings on current understanding of Palestinian society and polity. Tel Aviv, June 26 – A study of educational materials and approaches in Palestinian kindergartens and nursery schools reveals that whereas other cultures use the preschool age to inculcate values into their children such as sharing, Palestinian-administered preschools …

Abbas’s term officially ended more than seven years ago, and the parliamentarians should have been out of office six years ago. Moscow, June 22 – President Vladimir Putin of Russia has put on hold a series of operations aimed at manipulating elections for the Palestinian presidency, in response to intelligence assessments that no such elections …

Fears that it would see humans as a threat in the manner depicted the Terminator series thus proved baseless. Rehovot, June 21 – Developers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have succeeded in constructing a sentient computer, they announced today, and that once the machine grasped the fact that it does not consume animal products …

Palestinian officials compared the need to pay for their own WiFi signal to the plight of Russians in besieged Leningrad during WWII. Ramallah, June 18 – Palestinians accustomed to receiving free benefits protested today at Israel’s decision to secure its wireless network with a password, local sources have reported. Israel imposed a security code on …

Signs that made retroactive sense included disruptions of traffic, which Pitsek said he had not noticed because Tel Aviv is already a traffic nightmare. Tel Aviv, June 14 – A resident of Israel’s second-largest city admitted surprise today after being informed that the 2017 Pride Parade took place last Friday, as he had not noticed …

It remains unclear what manner of sanctions BDS might call for against these flagrant violations of its aims. Hizmeh Post, June 13 – Cars and buses from Palestinian-administered territories line up at this security checkpoint northeast of Jerusalem each morning into rush hour so that thousands of day-laborers and other workers may gain entry into …

The conference was nevertheless marred by a woman in the audience greeting Minister of Education Naftali Bennett with a Nazi salute. Tel Aviv, June 12 – A “Peace Conference” convened by one of Israel’s most venerable dailies succeeded in avoiding a phenomenon that had plagued previous events organized by the same publication, that of speakers …

“In fact we deny that what those monsters are doing is cannibalism at all.” Beirut, June 7 – Community leaders among those who consume human flesh in a moderate fashion complain that they are being unfairly targeted by critics of the practice who lump them together with more radical perpetrators. Moderate cannibals face unjust pressure …

The experiment outcome closely matches that posited by researchers Laura Joffe Numeroff and Felicia Bond in a 1985 paper. Rehovot, June 8 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have managed to confirm a longstanding hypothesis regarding murine behavior, first posited in 1985, to the effect that if one offers a baked treat to a …

“We’re just here to help,” added the ministry spokesman, unable to suppress a smirk. Jerusalem, June 5 – As Arab state after Arab state closes its skies to Qatar’s national carrier amid ratcheting political and diplomatic confrontation, the Jewish State offered to let Qatar Airways fly over its territory en route to destinations in Europe, …

“We’ve enjoyed periods as long as five days at a time without a Palestinian attempt on Jewish lives. That could work with cars too.” Carmiel-Misgav, June 4 – Road safety activists have put forth an initiative to treat the scourge of fatal vehicle crashes with the same political urgency and creative thinking that spawned the …

“Intense obsession with destroying cars and trucks.” Baghdad, May 30 – Another vehicle laden with explosives went off this morning in the Iraqi capital, driving home the point to military and political experts that the Islamic State, responsible for the bulk of such incidents, harbors an intense animosity for cars. The latest attack in downtown …

The concentration of such power in the hands of Jews might brook resentment from wider Israeli society. Tel Aviv, May 29 – A survey of all major Israeli financial institutions, broadcast entertainment companies, and journalistic enterprises has uncovered a reality straight out of antisemitic conspiracy theories: that these entities are all under the control of …

How dense do you have to be to fall for the same rhetorical trick time and time again? Athens, May 25 – A youth notorious for repeated invocation of a threat to the point that the alarm no longer raises the intended reaction cannot believe that Arab and Muslim regimes keep citing the overused Palestinian …

“We need to begin our indoctrination much earlier than college.” Tel Aviv, May 24 – Activists working to promote academic, commercial, and political boycotts of Israel are aiming to place their allies on the committee that represents parents at a North Tel Aviv nursery school, PreOccupied Territory has learned. Representatives of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions( …

Saudi officials denied knowledge of the dress. Riyadh, May 21 – First Lady Melania Trump turned heads and sent tongues wagging as she and President Trump departed for Saudi Arabia, first by announcing she would not cover her hair, and then, upon landing, by appearing in the Kingdom in the Jerusalem-themed dress that Israeli Minister …

The eat-all-the-junk-food-you-want-as-long-as-you-think-nobody-is-looking diet is the latest thing. Savyon, May 17 – Trendy Israelis have begun to embrace a new regimen for controlling food intake, inspired by the discipline of a prominent Palestinian prisoner, that only reckons calories from food not eaten on the toilet, in the closet, slouching down in the car, or otherwise concealed …

“Once we didn’t get an answer from Hitler or Pol Pot, we were forced to skip down to second-rate mass-murderers.” Riyadh, May 18 – Royal authorities in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia have extended an invitation to genocidal dictator of Sudan Omar Bashir to attend an event hosting American President Donald Trump next week, after …

“I wonder if he’s ever been exposed to the elements foo more than a minute or two in his life,” remarked Hadas Hel, a guide at the site. Masada, Judean Desert, May 15 – Administrators of the archaeological park centered on this ancient hilltop fortress worried today that whoever advised US President Donald Trump to deliver …

“If we aim high enough, we can reach the once-inconceivable levels of sophistication and advancement associated with the fourteen-hundreds in Europe.” Cairo, May 10 – Representatives of the 22 Arab member states of the Arab League plan to take up economic and cultural development at their next meeting in June, where they will put forward …

The three-week campaign leading up to this week’s vote was marred by acrimonious exchanges. Or Akiva, May 11 – A high school junior who ran an unsuccessful campaign to lead the student government has accused Russian President Vladimir Putin’s government of meddling in the election, and called on the school administration to conduct an investigation. …

“Israel isn’t providing enough channels of satellite TV? Well, yeah, come on. That’s like basic stuff.” Damascus, May 8 – Remaining residents of the besieged Yarmouk Palestinian refugee camp on the outskirts of the Syrian capital voiced satisfaction that a hunger-striking leader has been sneaking chocolaty snacks while they starve, and that his political stunt …

“Won’t someone think of the children?” Ramat Gan, May 7 – Last week’s performance of teen heartthrob entertainer Justin Bieber in Yarkon Park has many Israelis wondering whether they might be better off if Israel were in fact the target of a broad boycott by artists and other public figures. Bieber’s concert last Wednesday drove …

Tantrums, violence, threats, and incoherent or unreasonable demands. Gainesville, Florida, May 3 – University of Florida researchers have published a study in child psychology that shows professional diagnosticians lack the skills to tell the difference between the behavior of toddlers and that of the Palestinian leadership. The study, printed in this month’s edition of the …

“Good Lord, get that thing away from me,” chirped the cockatiel. “Have you no sense of decency?”

“The army in no way intended to hit non-civilian targets; it is not our way.” Damascus, April 26 – Syrian military officials acknowledged today that a barrage of rockets fired at the rebel stronghold of Idlib yesterday may have missed their target and hit a position of military value. Seven insurgents were killed in the …

The old units will be given to the Postal Authority, which sees as its mission to keep its methods firmly planted in a previous era. Jerusalem, April 27 – The National Insurance Institute, Vehicle Licensing Authority, Ministry of the Interior, and other government entities that receive the public have begun installing more soul-sucking machines in …

“For centuries, it was thought to be a social phenomenon, but in fact it’s purely biological.” Amman, April 24 – New research findings may explain how Arab migrants from around the Mediterranean basin and Arabian Peninsula and their descendants acquire indigenous status in the Holy Land more or less immediately, while Jews, whose civilization and …

“In terms of always wondering when you might ever feel a full stomach again, I got that.” Givatayim, April 23 – A local resident told reporters on Holocaust Remembrance Day that because he is adhering to a regimen that restricts his intake of carbohydrates, he is better able to empathize with concentration camp prisoners who …

Abbas formed the committee in 2015 to study the issue and make recommendations. Ramallah, April 20 – A committee appointed by Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for purposes of recommending a suitable date for the next parliamentary and presidential elections for the Palestinian National Authority has scheduled them for the next inshallah, a decision to which …

“How many children have to be eaten alive by these creatures before they take it seriously?” Kiryat Motzkin, April 19 – Local first-grader Itai Zehavi had harsh words this morning for the heads of the household he inhabits, accusing them of ignoring or downplaying the seriousness of the danger from monsters under his bed. Zehavi, …

Incidents of this nature occasionally mar the Passover proceedings, and that the police department took steps this year to forestall recurrences. Beersheva, April 10 – Law enforcement authorities announced today that they have arrested several juveniles who, they allege, planned to take surreptitious possession of a ritual piece of unleavened bread and demand exorbitant items, …

“In addition to these incidents, we’ve had the phenomenon of international Palestinian terrorism since the 1960’s, such that by now, everyone should be aware of the Palestinian readiness for a functioning state.” Ein el-Hilweh, Lebanon, April 9 – Fatah and Salafi militants in this Palestinian refugee camp in Lebanon engaged in yet another firefight today, …

“With Woke Tours, there is no need to sacrifice the world-famous cuisine, culture and beaches of Tel Aviv – a center of LGBTQ life – just because one wants to make a political statement.” Tel Aviv, April 3 – A developing trend of socially aware international travel has tourism companies offering packages that cater to …

Suppressing its history of being Trans – a history that goes back to ancient times – has wrought emotional instability and a confused sense of self in Jordan. Amman, April 2 – A counselor working with the Hashemite kingdom that currently declares itself “Jordan” has begun encouraging it to stop repressing its original, authentic identity …

The driver moved to close the gap as quickly as possible, lest, one must assume, a surfeit of air wreak untold havoc on everything in the vicinity. Jerusalem, March 30 – The operator of a local bus covering the Givat Ram-Ramat Rachel route has taken it upon himself to prevent the formation of following distance …

Diplomats had hoped the region could transition from iron-fisted rule by hereditary dictatorships to iron-fisted rule by democratically-elected governments. Washington, March 29 – With the release of former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak from prison today, staffers as the US Department of State voiced disappointment at the denouement of the vaunted Arab Spring, and confessed they …

Publisher Amos Schocken made the offer in person, according to Haaretz. Berlin, March 26 – Nazi propaganda chief Josef Goebbels voiced conflicting emotions today over an invitation from the Israeli newspaper Haaretz to write a weekly op-ed article for them. The manipulation mastermind of Adolph Hitler’s party and government confessed to being both flattered at the …

Palestinian Authority encourages people to move away; calls West Bank and Gaza “Jewish” Ramallah, March 24 – The Palestinian Authority announced today that it is relinquishing all territorial claims against Israel, and that it encourages all Palestinians in the West Bank, Gaza Strip and East Jerusalem to move elsewhere. The announcement comes after months of …

NGOs also characterized the programs as impinging on the community’s identity as victim by implying that Arabs might possess volition, a notion that strikes at the very heart of modern Arab identity. Tayibe, March 22 – Prominent figures in Israel’s Arab community are decrying initiatives to cut traffic fatalities among its members, deeming such programs a …

The defecation took place last Wednesday, as Netanyahu’s motorcade made its way through Jerusalem. Ramallah, March 20 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas granted citizenship today to a rock dove that defecated on the procession of cars escorting Israeli prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu last week. During a ceremony at the presidential compound in the Palestinian capital …

Because of the widespread use of vaccines, most children will never know what it’s like to die from diphtheria. Jerusalem, March 17 – Researchers at Hadassah University Hospital have published the shocking results of a study they conducted that links the use of vaccines with people not succumbing to disfiguring, painful, and fatal viral infections. …

“It should work just fine, since Israel isn’t occupying Gaza, either, by any reasonable interpretation of international law, but you wouldn’t know it from all the protests.” Nicosia, March 15 – Greek-speaking residents of North Cyprus, an area of the island effectively under Turkish occupation since 1974, told reporters they are considering a change in …

“The ears are located in the head, and the location of that cranium within the anus would effectively block the patient from hearing the dehumanization and delegitimization of Jewish sovereignty so prevalent in Palestinian media.” Haifa, March 13 – Diagnosticians in proctology at Rambam Hospital have located the heads of people who still believe the …

“Palestinian youth do not need our programs to give them an outlet and indoctrination to violence. For that they have their own government and UNRWA.” Jenin, March 8 – A local youth organization with American sponsorship has been forced to close its doors due to lack of responsiveness from area teens and preteens, after the …

Automotive repair and installation establishments have been issued guidelines for calibrating existing horn systems to adapt them to the new requirements. Tel Aviv, March 8 – Automotive regulations scheduled to go into effect on the first of April will require that the volume of car horns in the interior of the car be of comparable …

“Palestinians are forced to vote only in Palestinian elections,” he charged. Ein el-Hilweh Refugee Camp, March 6 – A state that restricts Palestinians residing in its territory from owning property, obtaining citizenship, receiving state medical care, obtaining employment in twenty professional fields, and building homes has called Israel’s treatment of Palestinians Apartheid, reminiscent of South …

“We remain very strict about confining harm to people who are religious Jews, the political right, IDF soldiers, police, and any positive sense of Jewishness. But we draw the line at letting our people come to harm.” Jerusalem, March 1 – Vandalism at this holy city’s oldest active Jewish cemetery has impeded the customary dancing …

“We’ve upped our intake of specimens, and finished in less than a third of the time.” Tehran, March 2 – Residents of faraway worlds who visit Earth to kidnap people revealed today that it never would have occurred to them to develop the practice unless the Islamic Republic of Iran had blazed the trail of …

Hair salon growth has spiked in the last twenty years, overtaking the population at around the turn of the millennium. Jerusalem, February 27 – Israel’s Central Bureau of Statistics released new data on the population of the country’s capital and largest city today, placing the population at over 800,000 and the number of hair styling …

They edged out such infamous venues as Guantanamo Bay, Russian labor camps, and most of China’s vast penal system. Palmyra, Syria, February 26 – Syrian authorities expressed satisfaction today that their work has been recognized, pointing to the TripAdvisor ranking of worldwide prison and torture facilities that placed the country’s Saydnaya and Adra Prison complexes …

Experts cast doubt on the strike’s potential impact. Natanya, February 23 – Representatives of crime syndicates and individual criminals announced today that if the State does not meet their demands for better working conditions, they will refuse to commit the crimes they are expected to perpetrate. Drug kingpins, killers for hire, weapons dealers, pickpockets, rapists, …

On My Knees: In The Bedroom With Ismail Haniyeh will be published in April. London, February 21 – The leader of the militant Islamist movement that runs Gaza faces embarrassment as a former same-sex romantic partner is preparing to publish a memoir of the intimate relationship, sources in Gaza City reported today. Ismail Haniyeh, who will …

Potential hazards of ammonia lack the visceral resonance with the reader that stories containing allegations of direct abuse are capable of generating. Haifa Bay, February 19 – Journalists and news agencies covering the Israeli domestic scene have struggled in recent weeks to come up with a direct relationship between the public outcry over the dangers …

“This land is Palestinian. They cannot stay. Did I mention that Israel is conducting ethnic cleansing?” Ramallah, February 16 – A spokesman for the Palestinian Authority government that imposes the death penalty or life imprisonment for selling land to Jews, and has made the dismantling of Jewish communities in the territory it claims a prerequisite …

At least three hundred such households can still afford to live and save for retirement. Jerusalem, February 14 – Officials at the Israel Tax Authority convened today to discuss disquieting reports that there still exist Israelis who have not had their income taxed enough to deprive them of economic security. Authority Commissioner Sarai Missim summoned …

Already, six teenage and young adult women in the community have been named as suspects for purposes of the observance. ‘Uja Village, February 12 – Residents of this Jordan Valley community are planning a special observance of St. Valentine’s Day this week, in which they will pay tribute to the saint’s legacy of love by …

“We found an inverse relationship between the Kinneret level and news coverage of the Kinneret level.” Tiberias, February 9 – A groundbreaking study has found a close relationship between the measured depth of Lake Kinneret and the extent to which environmental organizations and the news media voice alarm over the lake’s water level. An article …

The regime has been working on expanding its torture and murder to an ever-expanding list of populations. Damascus, February 8 – Progressive organizations reacted with gratification to reports yesterday that Basher Assad’s regime has tortured and executed thirteen thousand people at a notorious prison since 2011, noting that the people killed in such brutal fashion …

“Trump not doing something about this? He can maybe build wall to keep people away from this?” Jerusalem, February 5 – A local resident expressed unease this afternoon in reaction to seeing repeated references in print and online media to an event this evening that he believes is called the “Super Bowel,” witnesses are reporting. …

“Palestinian unity? What are you, some kind of nut?” Boise, Idaho, February 1 – Groups of devotees to the notion of extraterrestrial visitors secretly visiting Earth, and whose presence has been repeatedly concealed by the government for decades, despite no conclusive evidence that such creatures exist, have dismissed the idea of a Fatah-Hamas rapprochement that leads …

“‘Eggs. Bread. White cheese. Onions.’ He didn’t have to put the items in that order, but he chose that order. Why?” Jerusalem, February 1 – An accidental discovery of immense historical and literary value took place this week at the National Library of Israel when a clerk found an original manuscript of a shopping list …

“Our girls are worth more than that.” Hirbun a-Tahta, Egypt, January 30 – In an effort to crack down on underage marriage, authorities in Egypt have set the minimum price to pay for a child bride at 13 goats, Ministry of the Interior sources reported today. Ministry spokesman Bedda Fayyil called a press conference to …

Social media sites have been the context for the vast majority of Smugly-Note-Others’-Non-Observance-Of-International-Holocaust-Remembrance-Day Day. Tel Aviv, January 27 – International Holocaust Memorial Day occurs today, on the anniversary of the Red Army’s liberation of Auschwitz, or, as it is observed in Israel, Smugly-Note-Others’-Non-Observance-Of-International-Holocaust-Remembrance-Day Day. As observed locally, the annual ritual provides an occasion for politicians, feuding neighbors, …

Such a proviso helps explain the conduct of the international arena over several decades. Tehran, January 25 – Scholars of International Law held a symposium today on the legality of Iran’s settlement of Shia Muslims in formerly Sunni areas of Syria and Iraq, from which the consensus emerged that as formulated, the Geneva Conventions governing …

As evidence, the commission pointed to statements in Palestinian media to the effect that innocent Palestinians are routinely kidnapped and murdered by Israel. Emerald City, January 23 – An investigative commission has found that the transplanted organs given to two prominent citizens of Oz were illicitly removed from Palestinian patients by Israeli occupation forces. A …

British opponents of Brexit voiced bitterness at the prospect of not participating in the Union with Iran. London, January 17 – Officials in Tehran followed British Prime Minister Theresa May’s speech Tuesday with interest, noting that if, as she declared, the UK will remove itself from the European Union, the Islamic Republic of Iran will …

Online comments account for an increasing share of mental health incidents, according to Central Bureau of Statistics data. Jerusalem, January 18 – Heads of various healthcare organizations and public health administrators called on Israelis today not to endanger themselves through exposure to comments on web-based articles or videos. High-ranking officials at the Ministry of Health, …

Military analysts remain divided over the wisdom of the decision. Pi Hahiroth, January 16 – When the Children of Israel passed by here on the way to the Sea of Reeds several months ago, their leadership took a strategic turn and led the people not along the coast up to the Promised Land, but into …

No plans have been made for protests or internet campaigns urging Waters not to perform in Israel. New York, January 11 – Former Pink Floyd frontman and boycott-Israel advocate Roger Waters announced today that he will perform a series of concerts in Israel this summer, in both the cultural capital of Tel Aviv and the political …

“It turns out that my life is much more significant on a global scale than I had assumed.” Cairo, January 12 – A local merchant knows whom to blame each time he encounters adversity: the nefarious forces bent on undermining Islam and Arabs. Samwan Elss, 41, has faced multiple instances today of his will being …

Other possible measures under consideration include financial penalties for drivers who commit more than two vehicular homicides per year. Jerusalem, January 9 – Israeli Minister of Transportation Yisrael Katz is considering a unilateral move to cancel the driver’s license of the man who killed 4 and injured 15 in an automotive terrorist attack yesterday, sources …

“I can resign as many times as necessary to achieve Palestinian national aspirations.” Ramallah, January 8 – The Chief Palestinian negotiator aims to issue his one hundredth career threat this year to resign from the position, and voiced confidence this morning that with Donald Trump taking office this month, the situations that might warrant such …

“I’m telling you, this is the deal of a lifetime, and I’m offering it to you.” Jerusalem, January 5 – A property agent who has noticed you believe President-elect Donald Trump will make good on his campaign promise to transfer the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem suddenly has a deal for you on …

The wanted men commanded units that committed atrocities across Europe during the war. Damascus, January 3 – Governments across the Middle East are confronting the shrinking number of Nazi war criminals with a mixture of resolve and concern, local sources have reported. Most of the prominent German Nazis implicated in or convicted of crimes against …

Politicians can now move on to other important matters, such as whether or not the prime minster ordering a suit from a tailor means he is detached from the people. Jerusalem, January 1 – As of today, Israeli supermarkets will be required by law to charge customers 10 agorot for each plastic bag they use …

A parallel change is expected to go into effect in May: women will then be prohibited from visiting a driving range. Riyadh, December 29 – New restrictions on women and driving are scheduled to come into effect on Sunday, the most important of which involves a prohibition on women’s use of the online document management utility …

Avrahami, a plumbing contractor, admitted feeling torn, as he has been planning a buildup over the eight-day holiday toward an impressive finale on the last night. Gan Yavne, December 27 – Area father of 3 Ron Avrahami voiced apprehension today regarding a possible link between his Hanukkah gift-giving and a spate of celebrity deaths, local …

“He’s been angling to abandon Israel since before he took office.” Tehran, December 25 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic if Iran expressed confidence today that as opposed to the Obama administration’s treatment of its ally Israel, no United Nations Security Council resolution against Iran would withstand an American veto, local sources report. Newspapers in …

The public health ramifications of the study, if confirmed by subsequent research, are yet unknown. Rehovot, December 22 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have discovered what are apparently actual non-artificial substances in the standard filling used for traditional Hanukkah pastries. A team of scientists studying the sufganiya, as it is known in …

Western reluctance to act militarily to impair or stop the genocide occurring in Syria plays an important role in that argument. Aleppo, December 21 – Lack of political will around the globe to intervene in the bloodshed plaguing Syria is apparently supposed to help convince decision-makers in Israel to relinquish exclusive claims to Jerusalem in …

Tamar was unavailable for comment; a member of the household chastised reporters for disturbing her recovery from a difficult birth of twins. Adullam, Canaan, December 18 – Jacob’s fourth son and a leader of the emerging people of Israel expressed the alleviation of some stress today at the realization that when Jewish schoolchildren study their …

Egyptian nationalists and the alt-right voiced satisfaction with the royal decision. Memphis, December 14 – The ruler of the Egyptian Empire today dismissed calls for his government to accept a definition of anti-Jewish rhetoric that includes some kinds of criticism of Israel, palace sources are reporting. Pharaoh Thutmose II rejected pleas from Hebrew advocates to …

The societal norm in Shechem is to kidnap, imprison, and rape girls whom one desires. Stockholm, December 14 – Sweden’s Minister of Foreign Affairs Margot Wallström suggested to Hebrew patriarch Jacob today that he and his family alter their perspective on the violation of his daughter Dina by a local Canaanite prince, and view the …

“It will be a matter of mere weeks until we have completed the mission, and one hundred percent of the intended targets are eliminated in and around Aleppo.” Damascus, December 12 – A spokesman for Syria’s military announced this morning that the army has nearly completed its goals in the Aleppo district, having accomplished nine …

She contends creamed corn was displaced by the broccoli and is the rightful occupant of the left side of the plate. Givatayim, December 8 – Harari family members remained divided today over how to handle the extremist positions of dinner participant Shira, who denies the legitimacy of tonight’s vegetable side dish, and calls for its destruction. …

If confirmed, the allegations would make Dr. Assad a possible second as a murderous practitioner of medicine only to notorious Nazi physician Joseph Mengele. Damascus, December 7 – An eye doctor accused of involvement the demise of hundreds of thousands of people over the last six years has categorically denied any such accusation, local media …

“Admit it, you’re jealous you didn’t think of this yourself first.” Yarkon Park, December 5 – Axl Rose and his bandmates will perform here in seven months, but one area entrepreneur already sees an economic niche that the scheduled concert has opened today: selling fans and concert attendees some locally-sourced T-shirts to protest the ensemble’s …

“It’s not the same, persecuting Copts,” observed Aiwil Qillemal, 80. Baghdad, November 30 – Community elders throughout the Muslim Middle East voiced wistfulness today at the realization that present and future generations in their countries will never know the pleasure of kicking Jews out, since almost none remain anymore. Once-thriving Jewish communities across the region …

Nowhere in the dialogue, setting, or characterization of the play can one find clear condemnation of Jewish sovereignty in the ancient Jewish homeland. Tel Aviv, November 30 – Israel’s leading drama company found itself in the midst of cultural controversy this week after it announced that it is preparing a production of a play in …

Longtime alliances among governments promoting progressive values such as Iran, Libya, Venezuela, and Russia had led the progressive community to expect that at least some expression of solidarity might be forthcoming. Raqqa, November 28 – Liberal thinkers and politicians voiced unease this week over the fact that several days after the death of Cuban leader …

May-Aynei lays partial blame at the feet of the legislators themselves, who tend to live in more spacious accommodations and hear less of the goings-on in neighbors’ homes. Rosh HaAyin, November 23 – Examination of recent legislation to limit the amplification on the Muslim call to prayer during early morning hours has revealed that nowhere …

“Don’t give them your daughter’s hand – Abraham is on our land!” they chanted. Haran, Syrian Mesopotamia, November 24 – Activists and organizations pushing for a boycott of Jewish interests in the Holy Land voiced outrage today at the tribal elders and families of the Padan-Aram region of the Middle East after the clans happily …

It remains unknown whether the boy ever succeeded in his quest. Qumran, Judean Desert, November 21 – Scholars exploring the remaining pieces of ancient parchment not included in the formal collection of writings known as the Dead Sea Scrolls have determined that a large number of the pieces can be traced to a single schoolchild …

“I think it’s because of someone else’s obituary,” he surmised. Ankara, November 20 – One of the few remaining reporters or commentators in Turkey who has not been silenced or imprisoned by the authorities in the last several months has begun to believe that the only reason he has been left alone is that the …

“Why these people can’t keep their information straight, I don’t know, but I’m about ready to burn down the whole city just to get some rest at this point.” Sodom, April 15 – A man who shares a name with a suddenly unpopular co-resident of this city has grown annoyed with the constant need to …

The agreement includes an option for the purchase of a further 20,000 units over two years. Riyadh, November 15 – King Salman of Saudi Arabia has inked a deal with an Israeli beverage manufacturer for the kingdom to purchase tens of thousands of carbonated-drink machines to be distributed among the extensive Ibn Saud clan that …

Lancet specifically cited recent breakthroughs in AIDS research, cancer treatment, and Alzheimer prevention. Rechovot, November 13 – A representative of Israeli research institutions and personalities admitted that the main factor behind a string of recent scientific and technological advances emanating from those entities has been less a drive for the improvement of human life and …

“There’s supposed to be a bloody removal of a brutal, corrupt dictator, followed by a period of uncertainty until a new strongman asserts himself and takes control.” Cairo, November 10 – Egyptian officials publicly welcomed the election of Donald Trump to the presidency yesterday, while subsequently expressing private astonishment that the change of leadership did …

“I’m looking forward to checking Twitter again,” confessed Dahlia, who has been living in her apartment’s sealed room since the beginning of August. Haifa, November 8 – Israelis are looking forward to Wednesday and Thursday of this week, when the American presidential election results are known and the initial furor surrounding the outcome has subsided, …

Perversely, note economists, international pressure to increase the value of Palestinian lives has been directly exclusively at Israel. Cairo, November 6 – In keeping with the demands of the International Monetary Fund to stabilize and reform the country’s economy, the Egyptian government today devalued its currency and, while it was at it, also reduced the …

The OCD with the OECD outpaced countries that typically top the charts in all the other OECD measures. Paris, November 3 – The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development has released its annual report on each member state’s level of dysfunctional attention to the organization’s ranking of each member state’s economic development indicators, and Israel …

“I do feel gratified that this series gave us fans a real show, instead of the blowouts we saw during the Arab Spring Training.” Aleppo, November 2 – Followers of the ongoing conflict between the regime of Syrian President Basher Assad and rebels fighting to retain control of areas they took in the last five years are …

The team remains unsure what the motive might be for the elaborate hoax, since economic reward has not been associated with Haaretz for years. Tel Aviv, October 30 – Researchers at Tel Aviv University have determined that the daily publication called Haaretz is almost certainly not the product of its purported authors, but an amateurish …

A recent Pew poll found that 67% of Kurds agreed with the statement that “being whiny and nagging about Jews will get you recognition faster than historical, moral, or ethnic reasons.” The Kurdistan Regional Government, along with the main Kurdish political factions in Syria, Turkey, and Iran are mulling a rebranding attempt in order to …

Palestinians remain loath to approach the authorities about the phenomenon; they fear their claims will be dismissed as nonsensical. Bet Shemesh, October 26 – Palestinian farmers of the tenth century Before the Common Era have grown weary of Zionist conspirators from the distant future appearing and planting evidence of ancient Jewish civilization, local representatives reported …

“It’s almost as if this conflict really does lie at the core of every major problem facing civilization.” Gothenburg, October 19 – A team of scientists at the University of Gothenburg have found what they claim constitutes a firm causative connection between the ongoing Israeli-Arab conflict and the documented rise in global temperatures over the …

The children, ages two through fifteen, did not break stride as they transitioned from fighting over the presence of unwanted siblings in their bedrooms to fighting over whose turn it is to use the red sleeping bag. Jerusalem, October 18 – Two days into Sukkot, the feast of booths, the six children of the Livni …

“We basically invented airplane hijacking as a political tool, but to hear UNESCO tell it, that was just a bunch of Syrians.” Paris, October 13 – On the heels of celebrating a decision by the United Nations Educational, Social, and Cultural Council (UNESCO) that ignored the ancient Jewish pedigree of the Temple Mount and its …

The reality TV personality apologized for his remarks and the hurt they caused, whereas the Yediot Aharonot editorial board has yet to exhibit the necessary self-awareness. Tel Aviv, October 9 – Israel’s second-most-popular daily reported today on Donald Trump’s recorded remarks referring crudely to his daughter, and women generally, as sex objects, alongside promotional excerpts …

A steady supply of currency for the ATMs was made possible late last week when the Obama administration allowed Iran access to the US dollar. Washington, October 9 – Following months of awkwardness over the propriety and necessity of shipping pallets of cash to Iran as a hostage ransom, the Obama administration intends to forestall further …

“I hope this isn’t personal.” Jerusalem, October 6 – A local resident who customarily accepts the hospitality of various families in the neighborhood for Sabbath and festival meals voiced confusion today over the disappearance of such willing hosts for the Day of Atonement this Wednesday. Asher Korn, 48, has availed himself of numerous invitations for …

“Some people just won’t depart from tradition no matter how mediocre – or just plain awful, in the case of my mother-in-law – the traditional dishes might taste.” Tel Aviv, October 2 – A comprehensive research project covering one of the preeminent traditional foods eaten in honor of the Jewish New Year has determined that …

“It is beyond heinous for a nation founded in the wake of Nazi genocide to be pumping gas in any direction,” declared Human Rights Watch Director Ken Roth. Amman, September 28 – Human rights organizations and diplomatic officials expressed shock and dismay today upon hearing the news that Israel had signed an agreement to pump …

“It wouldn’t do to have this historic, reputable institution get its name soiled in association with any scandal.” Jerusalem, September 29 – The management of the hotel where former US President Bill Clinton is staying in order to attend Shimon Peres’s funeral tomorrow is seeking to avoid trouble, and has therefore decided not to use …

“This man has the Gaul – excuse me, the gall – to dictate to followers of Islam what their values should be.” Paris, September 26 – Muslim community organizations and individual adherents of Islam voiced surprise and anger today upon hearing of the notion that they might engage in rallies and demonstrations to voice objection …

One of the challenges to avian BDS would be identifying and selecting an alternative migration route that suits the ecological needs of the birds. Hula Valley, September 25 – Advocates for the economic, cultural, and political isolation of Israel expressed frustration today that millions of birds continue to migrate over the Jewish State on their …

“It would be an excellent first step toward establishing the kind of relations we might want to develop with Israel and the larger Jewish world.” Dubai, September 22 – New strategic alignments and a growing appreciation of geopolitical realities around the Arabian Peninsula have sparked unprecedented discourse in several countries in the region on the subject …

As a technical matter the sentence can be translated in a literal fashion, but the result in Hebrew, though grammatically correct, would be nonsense. Jerusalem, September 20 – The Academy for the Hebrew Language voted this week to eliminate from its collection of English phrases still in need of a Hebrew equivalent an entry that …

They wonder what the early-twenty-first-century youth population has against them. Ur, September 18 – Residents of this Mesopotamian city-state admitted consternation today over the common use of their location’s name in online communication, most commonly when teens and other young users attach it to insults such as “ur dum” and “i did ur mom.” Leaders …

The facility gets few visitors, as it has a limited budget to advertise its activities, and that traffic is mostly walk-ins looking for a bathroom. Jerusalem, September 15 – Passersby and workers in the downtown area of Israel’s capital have occasionally wondered about the establishment on Jaffa Road that has a perpetually empty display window …

Competing against Israel or Israeli athletes is taboo, lest doing so grant legitimacy to the Jewish State. Algiers, September 14 – Sports officials in Arab and Muslim countries hostile to Israel voiced consternation today at the possibility that the International Olympic Committee might designate Tel Aviv as the venue for the 2028 Summer Games. IOC …

“We were like dreamers,” recalled Shad-Din Froideh, 77. Ramallah, September 11 – Purveyors of sweets in the Palestinian territories are recalling with fondness the booming sales they enjoyed following the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon fifteen years ago. A group of current and retired sweets sellers from the de facto Palestinian capital …

“Obama is bending over – as well as bending over backwards – for us, enabling us to exceed the limits of the nuclear deal with no adverse consequences.” Tehran, September 11 – The international community’s inability to stymie North Korea in its quest for atomic weapons, despite steep economic sanctions and persistent political isolation, has …

“It has to be just credible enough – we do have some journalistic standards,” explained Ann T. Semitt of the Jerusalem bureau. Safed, September 7 – The British Broadcasting Corporation is holding off on production of a segment on injured Syrian civilians receiving medical treatment in Israeli hospitals until a sufficiently dark portrayal of the …

“Oh, that Basher,” they chuckled and shook their heads. “He doesn’t play by anyone else’s rules.” Aleppo, September 7 – Embattled Syrian President Basher Assad’s forces deployed chemical weapons against insurgents in this ancient city once more this week, prompting the international community to laugh at the man’s continuing disregard for what most others consider …

Principal Aiwil Qillem was unavailable for comment. Khan Yunis, September 5 – A week into the academic year, a sophomore at the local UNRWA secondary school has discovered that two of his courses in raising the next generation of terrorists and antisemites are scheduled to take place at the same time, putting him in a …

To do so would require that users encounter those pages, which in turn requires that such users exist. Mountain View, CA, August 31 – Executives at Google have noted that whereas controversy has erupted for years over the use of Facebook and Twitter accounts to promote the Islamic State and other violent, radical groups, their …

“We are performing three valuable roles, and should therefore receive three times the payment.” Tel Aviv, September 1 – Israeli and foreign journalists issued coordinated statements today asserting that their constant performance of the duties of judge, jury, and executioner regarding political and military figures requires that they be compensated commensurate with their fulfillment of those …

“Technology, politics, health care, and Jew-killing aren’t nearly as straightforward as they used to be.” Baghdad, August 24 – Rashid Muhammad, 90, has seen technological and economic advancement in his many years, but still considers his youth in Iraq a better time to live, because life was simpler then and Jews didn’t fight back. The …

The need for “vitamin P,” as it is sometimes called, pervades almost every aspect of life in Israel, including leisure activities. Holon, August 25 – A serial killer who specializes in murdering his victims using wood-chopping implements complained today that the local ax murderers’ association refuses to admit him without the recommendation of at least two …

The president believes it could have happened faster with cooperation of Congressional Republicans in legalizing Iran’s nuclear weapons program. Washington, August 22 – US President Barack Obama voiced frustration this morning at his administration’s apparent inability to hand over hegemony in the Middle East to the Ayatollahs and Vladimir Putin any faster, White House officials reported …

Julius Streicher, a columnist for Haaretz, checked into Ichilov Hospital in Tel Aviv this morning. Tel Aviv, August 21 – A reporter for Israel’s only broadsheet daily newspaper underwent surgery today to repair a hernia that occurred as a result of straining not to use Israel’s Olympic achievements as evidence the country has become a latter-day …

“Oh my gosh, this is perfect,” remarked Ali Masri, who coordinates some of the organization’s online activities. Aleppo, August 18 – Images of a bleeding, dust-covered, five-year-old Syrian boy from this embattled ancient city have resonated internationally, highlighting the ongoing misery wrought by the country’s five-year-old civil war and leading the Hamas movement to store …

“This goes against everything I’ve been taught by The Guardian and Haaretz.” Raanana, August 17 – Public school teachers in Israel preparing for the 2016-2017 school year have discovered that the neither the Ministry of Education nor local governments have included anti-Arab incitement in the curriculum, a teachers’ union representative said today. Primary and secondary educators …

“It’s not only the hunger-striking prisoners in Israelis jails that the people who fast are mocking, but also the ones in Palestinian prisons.” Jerusalem, August 14 – Advocates for the welfare of Palestinians imprisoned by Israel are calling today’s Jewish observance of a fast day an offensive mockery of the prisoners’ suffering. A group of …

“He’s kicking himself because he knows he could have prevented this situation by better situational awareness.” Jerusalem, August 11 – A resident of Israel’s capital had his sophisticated plan to encounter no beggars on his morning trip to work met with failure today after police closed off a major artery through the center of the …

If, however, the target proved to be other than Jews or people obviously acting in support of Jews, the US might consider a reprimand. Tehran, August 9 – President Hassan Rouhani of Iran told a gathering of lawmakers today that one of the clauses of the nuclear agreement signed with the US last year guarantees …

“We intend to have over five million in place by 2030.” Jerusalem Forest, August 8 – In what organization executives are calling a strategic move aimed at enhancing both the ecology and defense of the country, the Jewish National Fund will phase out the planting of trees that are not of the gharqad variety, and …

“It’s a realm no one has really ventured into before, and that’s what provides the whole comic gestalt.” Doha, August 4 – Producers of a new series slated for the Al-Jazeera network hope to make audiences laugh with the absurd premise that the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement might target countries other than Israel with its …

Professor Failim devoted extensive attention to the BDS movement and encouraged her students to support it. Tel Aviv, August 3 – A Tel Aviv University faculty member who gave a failing grade to a student who boycotted his course on how to conduct a political boycott was forced to revise the mark in favor of …

“Now that the pope has sounded the alarm, we can look forward to a much more robust policy of inaction.” Palmyra, July 31 – Christian communities facing genocide at the hands of the Islamic State and other forms of persecution under Arab-Muslim regimes in the Levant have already noticed that in the wake of Pope …

“Our chief competition is the shovel industry.” Hertzliya, July 26 – Israeli manufacturers of devices meant to restrict the vision of the wearer have noticed a marked uptick in sales of their products to countries recently experiencing increased terrorist attacks by Islamists, an industry representative said today. E-Ver Enterprises, a trade group, said that since …

“You cannot seriously tell me people entertain this as a genuine, operative political concept.” Ankara, July 27 – Heads of numerous Arab and Muslim countries spent time Wednesday finding comic relief in an online encyclopedia entry that discusses the notion of political rule stemming from agreement by the people being ruled. Turkish President Recep Tayyip …

“All I can say is we’re working on it,” said a worried Amos Schocken, the paper’s publisher. Tel Aviv, July 25 – Two days into a malfunction of one of the publication’s most intensively-used applications, the organization’s staff has been forced to perform the work the software would otherwise do: create headlines that extract from their …

“The openness of Iranian authorities to free Jewish political and religious expression far outstrips that of neighboring Jordan, Bahrain, and Saudi Arabia.” Meshed, Islamic Republic of Iran, July 19 – The approximately twenty thousand Jews living in Iran today enjoy religious and political freedom rare in the rest of the Islamic Middle East, a recent report …

“Have your Bic Mac with a side – with a side of genocide!” Tel Aviv, July 21 – Advocates for a ban on the consumption of animal flesh criticized the fast-food chain McDonald’s today for encouraging its customers to promote the killing of innocents, and called on law enforcement to arrest and prosecute the executives …

“For a coup to be believable, you need the armed forces to be behind it, not just a few units with some others along for the ride.” Ankara, July 18 – Frustrated members of the shadowy Jewish conspiracy that runs the world admitted today that they took a back seat to Turkish President Recep Tayyip …

It represents a full eight months earlier than average. Jerusalem, July 17 – Administrators and educational staff at the Reishit School are scrambling to distribute the list of required books and materials for the 2015 academic year earlier than usual, aiming to finalize and send it out by the end of July 2016. Principal Tamar …

Kuwait avoided the encounter entirely, preferring to hide in a maintenance closet until the coast was clear. Doha, July 13 – Arab and Muslim countries who pledged to help fund the rebuilding of Gaza Strip homes and facilities after the 2014 war between Hamas and Israel reassured inquirers today that they had indeed made good …

“While playing hunter, chasing after Pokemon, they are actually the hunted.” Kfar Shmaryahu, July 12 – Activists monitoring the proliferation of chemicals in the atmosphere that are dispersed to enhance governmental mind-control and spread preventable diseases in order to control and cull the population warned that the newest online phenomenon, the free Pokémon Go game, …

“The fist of Islam reaches into the depths of the enemy’s rear and strikes with the force of a thousand vengeances.” Medina, July 6 – The Islamic State has not claimed credit for perpetrating an suicide bombing attack yesterday at the burial site of the prophet Muhammad that killed 4, but a video clip has emerged of an organization …

“How could anyone think this is acceptable behavior?” Kiryat Yam, Israel, July 7 – Residents of this sleepy Haifa suburb on the Mediterranean coast were horrified to discover that the various telecommunications companies in Israel’s market still permit callers to leave recorded messages, a primitive practice that they describe variously as “heinous,” “monstrous,” and “abominable.” …

His frontline troops nurture a joke of referring to their leader by various names they think sound vaguely simian. Rabbat-Ammon, July 4 – Troops in the army of the Bashan kingdom of the Emorites are having a hard time containing their amusement that their ruler bears a name reminiscent of a caveman, military sources are reporting. …

“My app probably crashed from the weight of occurrences of the word ‘moral’ alone.” Natanya, July 3 – The Facebook profile of an area resident became crushed today after sustaining too many posts about the passing of Nobel Peace Prize laureate Elie Wiesel, who died this weekend. Immediately after Wiesel’s death at age 87, the …

“My friends and I realized there is no better time than right now to get started on this project,” said Stabr. Ramallah, June 30 – Undergraduate researchers at this institution north of the Palestinian capital have launched a project aimed at developing a mathematical proof that equates the deaths of terrorists with the deaths of …

“If there’s anything my career as an architect in Gaza has taught me, it’s that hospitals and schools by nature double as weapons storage facilities.” Kfar Blum, June 29 – A member of a group of construction professionals from Gaza visiting Israel to help them improve engineering and design of public facilities at home wondered today …

The accomplishment is the result of a determined policy on the part of Mr. Assad and his government to reduce the number of people, a group that drains worldwide food resources. London, June 27 – Environmental researchers praised Syrian President Basher Assad this week, saying he and his regime have done more than anyone else over …

“My goal is to take control of my own future, and not have to be dependent on some pre-teen with an underdeveloped concept of personal space.” Ramat HaSharon, June 24 – Emboldened by the UK’s vote yesterday to leave the European Union, local adolescent Itamar Golan asserted that a similar process was necessary to determine …

“This is nothing less than a naked attempt at genocide of Palestinian farming.” Wilderness of Paran, June 22 – Twelve Israelite men sent to reconnoiter the Holy Land prior to an intended invasion and conquest have stolen produce belonging to local Palestinian farmers, eyewitnesses allege. Observers in the Israelite camp at Kadesh-Barnea said that the …

Flying glass accounted for more than half the injuries. Tel Aviv, June 20 – Israeli medical crews rushed to treat dozens of far-left-wing activists today for injuries sustained after being hit by sacks of cash indiscriminately flung by the European Commission at those activists’ organizations. Thirty people were injured, four seriously, when the sacks struck …

Khamenei had dismissed his bodyguards for the Pulse excursion, a move he now questions. Tehran, June 15 – Now back in the safety of the Iranian capital, Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei described for well-wishers the tale of his miraculous survival in the Orlando, Florida nightclub where a Muslim radical killed 50 people and …

“I just did what I was supposed to do,” the father of three later recalled. Jerusalem, June 15 – A driver on his way into Israel’s capital today reacted with civic responsibility upon encountering a lineup of vehicles waiting to proceed along their way, by sounding his horn emphatically at the car immediately in front …

“Guns have nowhere near the effectiveness of the bombs in terms of raw killing capacity.” Damascus, June 13 – The government of Syria issued its official statement this morning on yesterday’s Orlando nightclub shooting, including President Basher Assad’s expression of puzzlement at the gunman’s choice of firearms over the much more efficient barrel bomb so …

Some have bought packages of Israeli candy without comment, but several did specifically ask whether there was any of local provenance. Dayariyya, West Bank, June 9 – Residents of this isolated town north of Nablus confessed they felt awkward last night and this morning upon discovering that the only candies available at the moment for …

As more details emerge it will be easier to seize on one or two of the details of the attack and use them to shoehorn the Palestinian issue to center stage. Ramallah, June 7 – A powerful car bomb exploded in Turkey’s economic and tourism capital this morning, sending Palestinian leaders and advocates into a furious …

“Providing quality journalism is not cheap, and what Haaretz does costs money, too.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – To maintain the ideological consistency of its online platform and to boost its struggling bottom line, the Haaretz newspaper’s web site will begin charging people who comment on articles in ways that do not match the hard-left, …

Few Syrians have access to kale. Park Slope, June 1 – A group of socially-conscious, politically-aware Brooklyn residents have decided to help alleviate the suffering of the embattled Syrian people by collecting their excess leafy greens and donating them to relief organizations that will then deliver the foodstuffs to aid organizations assisting the Syrians, a …

“We know how dangerous images can be, and we’re not going to allow the Gay Agenda to dictate people’s understanding of Holy Writ.” Bnei Brak, June 1 – In anticipation of the annual Tel Aviv Gay Pride parade, a coalition of community leaders called the Personal Responsibility Union for Decent Ethics (PRUDE) is lobbying the Chief Rabbinate and …

Trainers and staff with the Syrian firing squad team have been practicing intensively for years, often gunning down hundreds of people a week. Damascus, May 30 – Syrian President Basher Assad is reportedly fuming at a decision of the International Olympic Committee not to recognize execution by firing squad as an Olympic sport for this …

Hundreds are injured annually as a result of people being That Guy. Jerusalem, May 28 – Increasing public health dangers have prompted the Ministry of Health to issue a warning to individual Israelis not to be That Guy, a ministry spokesman said today. At a press conference this morning, Deputy Director-General for Public Health Policy …

“It will be helpful to His Highness King Abbas to consult with hoi polloi and then do as he pleases to preserve his power.” Versailles, Palestinian Autonomous Territories, May 25 – Faced with an increasing gap between the economic fortunes of the elite governing class and everyone else in Palestinian society, and the simmering threat …

Bimot is currently laying the groundwork for a supposed performance in Israel by a nonexistent man named Elton John. Tel Aviv, May 22 – Israeli concert promoters sent former Pink Floyd front man and current promoter of an artistic boycott of Israel Roger Waters on a wild goose chase this week after announcing, with great …

Divergent treatment of terrorism targeting Europeans and terrorism targeting Israelis and Jews has strained the double standards inventory in Western Europe. Paris, May 18 – French Minister of Foreign Affairs Jean-Marc Ayrault announced today that his country would postpone the Middle East peace conference originally scheduled for the end of this month, to allow for the …

“Obviously, the Zionists got to these ancient peoples before we did.” Samaria, May 18 – The inhabitants of this ten-tribe kingdom north of Jerusalem, along with their brethren in the kingdom Judah to the south, are oblivious to the fact that the land in which they live and have developed their civilization is called not …

Adherence to those rules is the responsibility of each vendor, not the publisher or author, explained organizer spokesman Jabr Waqqi. Ramallah, May 16 – Controversy erupted at a regional book fair in the Palestinian capital this week after visitors discovered for sale a work that contained no anti-Israel or anti-Jewish content, forcing organizers to remove the …

Ein Gedi Nature Reserve, May 12 – Israelis by the tens of thousands thousands took advantage of the Independence Day holiday to break from routine and argue in greener, more bucolic areas of the country for a change. Schools are closed and most places of employment must grant time off today, and many employers have a more generous …

Muslims have perpetrated 100% of the bombings in Baghdad since the collapse of Saddam Hussein’s regime. Baghdad, May 11 – Following the deaths of more than 60 people this morning in an Islamic State car bomb attack in the Iraqi capital, local leaders voiced concern that the populace might begin to view Muslims as a …

Some committee members wanted to relegate The New Middle East to the humor section. Seattle, May 8 – Internet commerce giant Amazon.com has reclassified a non-fiction work by former Israeli President Shimon Peres about Mideast peace, instead categorizing it as fantasy alongside Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and similar works …

“Not even the supposedly enlightened, liberal countries of Europe have a law such as this one.” Tehran, May 4 – In a move aimed at making the country and society more progressive, the government of Iran announced this morning it would implement new sentencing guidelines for women convicted of capital crimes such as marital infidelity, …

“Happy now?” asked a sneering Security Council. “There’s your stupid Syria session.” New York, May 6 – The United Nations Security Council engaged in a shouting match with its mother today over tackling issues that are not the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, an exchange that concluded with the Council grudgingly committing to discuss the ongoing Syrian morass …

The allegations may adversely affect the new animated series of Mr. the Builder’s chronicles. Tel Aviv, May 3 – Anti-settlement activists are accusing a prominent international entertainer of actively working on homes for Israeli Jews in areas Palestinians claim for a future state, a spokesman for the activists said today. Peace Now representative Ray Kingball …

Prominent personalities already noted that calling “Shotgun!” is an accepted method for establishing the right to sit in the front passenger seat of a motor vehicle. Ramallah, May 2 – Referring to a principle commonly invoked in settling certain types of disputes, Palestinian officials repeated their claim that all of historic Palestine is theirs based on …

“Give the guy a break – he hasn’t updated Twitter at all, and forget about Instagram.” Yavne, April 26 – The newly installed head of the Sanhedrin has yet to upload a more accurate, up-to-date photo for his profile on a dating site to account for recent changes to his appearance, users are reporting. Rabbi …

“It served an important symbolic purpose,” explained Abu Bakr A-Baghdadi, whose meteoric rise to prominence was made possible by the president’s policies. Aleppo, Syria, April 25 – Residents of the Middle East expressed abundant gratitude to US President Barack Obama this week, saying that they owe the current Heaven on Earth that the region has …

IDF search-and-rescue teams conducted several helicopter reconnaissance missions last night and this morning. Hebron, April 24 – Following a visit to every Jewish household to partake of wine from the Seder, an inebriated prophet Elijah has been spotted wandering in Palestinian-controlled parts of Judea and Samaria, according to eyewitness reports. Elijah the Tishbi spent the first …

“The West has plenty of divisions, but they might as well be the pope for all that they’re unwilling to back up their demands with military force.” Moscow, April 18 – The World-War-II-era leader of the Soviet Union expressed puzzlement today over objections raised as to the legitimacy of recent elections in Syria. Joseph Vissarionovich …

Each employee will be allotted a maximum number of epithets per day to be directed at customers. Jerusalem, April 17 – Implementation of an effectiveness-enhancement program at the Israel Postal Service has been delayed as a result of memorandums to employees apprising them of the plan got lost in the mail, a spokesman for the …

“I glory in the use of what became of my remains to support the autocratic, repressive, terrorism-supporting, violent regimes of Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Iran, and the like.” Riyadh, April 11 – A Tyrannosaurus Rex whose carcass was buried by seismic activity and compressed into crude oil expressed gratification today that the resulting compounds wound up …

Trump, for his part, arranged for a lookalike to take his place in Wisconsin. Tel Aviv, April 6 – Secure in the knowledge no one would bat an eye at their presence among the bizarre characters on this city’s Shenkin Street, several prominent members of the World Zionist Conspiracy met at a restaurant in that eclectic …

The hand that feeds the Palestinians long ago had the opportunity to withdraw its support in response to the ingratitude. Ramallah, April 5 – The appendage used in providing for the needs of the Palestinians has turned almost entirely into scar tissue from repeated biting, medical officials reported today. In his monthly update of the …

“We’re mystified and profoundly disturbed.” Jerusalem, April 4 – Officials at the Ministry of Education expressed shock and outrage today at the presence of Nazi imagery and symbols in school textbooks on modern European history. Section supervisors at the ministry held an emergency meeting this morning after a staff member alerted her superiors to the …

American credibility had been lost in the air over Syria more than a year and a half ago. Raqqa, Islamic State, Eastern Syria, March 31 – A covert military operation involving Green Berets and Navy SEALS deep inside Islamic State-controlled territory to retrieve American credibility that had been lost there more than a year ago …

“Pinkwashing is supposed to be this huge endeavor, so I’m looking forward to lucrative overtime pay.” Haifa Bay Industrial Zone, March 30 – A local manufacturer of paints, dyes, and other chemicals hopes to see a sign very soon that Israeli pinkwashing activities are taking place, since he anticipates increased retail sales as demand for …

Israelis seem to traffic in the stuff more than anyone else in the region, and the authorities view such dealings as suspect. Ramallah, March 27 – A mid-level official at the Palestinian Ministry of the Interior has been detained and charged with attempts to illegally bring government transparency into the Palestinian National Authority, PreOccupied Territory …

Guests had mixed reactions to the episode. Kibbutz Ein B’gadim, Israel, March 27 – A mother nursing her baby at this naturist facility on the Mediterranean was confronted by representatives of the administration for doing so in full view of passersby, local sources reported Sunday. Visitors at the resort reported that early in the afternoon, …

“The group in question was operating to undermine the values and political system we have in place.” Ramallah, March 20 – An organization that aims to help Palestinian society and government defy the stereotype of them as backward, violent, repressive, and self-defeating has been declared illegal in Palestinian-controlled areas, a spokesman for the group said …

“I was looking forward to seeing her as Wonder Woman, maybe, or a mermaid.” Ramat Aviv, March 18 – A sixteen-year-old girl attending one of North Tel Aviv’s high schools shocked friends and family this week when she informed them that as part of her class’s celebration of the upcoming Purim holiday, her planned costume did not …

Hamas chiefs in Gaza, Turkey, and especially Qatar are highly unlikely to see eye-to-eye with Abu Mazen on this. Ramallah, March 15 – Palestinian leaders lining their pockets and Swiss accounts with funds intended for Palestinian economic development have vowed to address the flagrant cronyism and corruption this week by laughing only part of the way …

By contrast, no media organizations have ever reported seeing such an intolerable phenomenon in Gaza. Ramat Gan, March 14 – Local parents Yariv and Dafna Omer faced accusations of Apartheid in his household today after human rights groups discovered they mandate separate toilet and bathing facilities for the parents and children in the household, respectively, and that …

“If there is a causal mechanism, what might it be?” Tehran, March 10 – Researchers studying social, political, and demographic trends in the Islamic Republic of Iran have discovered what they claim is a strong statistical correlation between conducting polls in the country and ending up in prison, an article in the journal Statistics reports. …

The study strengthens the sense derived from previous research that, no, we won’t tell you, because you can’t then un-know it. Beer Sheva, March 9 – A comprehensive review of available data has concluded that under the circumstances, it would be better that you not know. Scientists from Ben-Gurion University analyzing the information in conjunction with the …

“It’s such a different feeling,” gushed Mgonna Skwattir, 27, originally from the Darfur region. South Tel Aviv, March 6 – Tens of thousands of Sudanese living in Israel say they fled their native country amid horrific violence and the knowledge that in contrast to the situation in war-torn Sudan, if Israel seeks to harm them …

We’re not antisemitic, we swear. Haifa, March 5 – New investigations into an inquiry first raised in the late 1990’s may indicate that the release of canines by previously unknown parties was in fact perpetrated by conspiring Jews- we mean Zionists, Haifa University researchers reported today. Scientists first began to examine who let the dogs out in …

“This method has a proven track record.” Ramallah, March 2 – Like most national governments, the Palestinian Authority has developed contingency plans for a number of unlikely scenarios, the better able to confront those events in the unlikely case they do occur. PreOccupied Territory was allowed a glimpse of the outlines of some plans at …

“Microorganisms in laboratories never provided their consent to be subject to the vagaries of the petri dish.” Tel Aviv, March 1 – A leading research institute has decided to shutter its pathology and microbiology facilities amid concerns that countless acts of microaggression were occurring in those spaces, a spokesman for the administration said today. Tel …

“If we stop killing people for their sexual orientation, that would mean creating expectations of enlightened behavior.” Riyadh, February 24 – Muslim countries in the Middle East and beyond that persecute and kill gays voiced relief this week that unlike Israel, they do not face accusations that they treat homosexuals well merely to distract from …

“The lack of official inducement to kill Palestinians is a little too much to attribute to a bureaucratic oddity.” Jerusalem, February 25 – Israel’s National Insurance Institute does not offer lifetime financial support to those who have killed Palestinians, an investigation has revealed, calling into question the organization’s and Israeli society’s commitment to conforming with the …

They hope other like-minded militants will step up and do that, or perhaps Assad regime loyalists themselves. Gaza City, February 22 – Representatives of the Islamic Resistance Movement that took control of the Gaza Strip in early 2007 voiced frustration today at the emerging cease-fire agreement among various belligerents in the ongoing Syrian conflict, saying …

“1. Contact emergency services. 2. Put down your mobile device*.” Jerusalem, February 21 – Volunteer paramedic organizations in Israel have issued an updated set of guidelines for civilians who wish to provide care to victims in the minutes following a stabbing attack until the first responders arrive, adding a crucial preliminary step that involved freeing up …

Sieges, assaults, massacres, mistreatment of captives, and myriad other acts of aggression against a mostly-Sunni population show an abiding care for the welfare of Sunnis. Beirut, February 17 – The head of a Shiite militant organization whose troops are involved in the killing, starvation, imprisonment, and torture or hundreds of thousands of Sunni coreligionists expressed profound …

The pig-oriented linguistic argument fits into a trend in Palestinian and Islamic scholarship at large. Ramallah, February 16 – Linguistic researchers at Bir Zeit University published an article this week in which they argue that Hebrew is not in fact a Semitic language, as is generally accepted, but is descended from Pig Latin. Professor of Semitic …

Cupid’s arrow will now take the form of 20-mm cannon shells. Beirut, February 13 – To celebrate what has become a lovers’ festival, the Russian Air Force plans to mark St. Valentine’s Day on Sunday with special heart-shaped munitions deployed against the rebels fighting Basher Assad’s regime in the strategic city of Aleppo. Sukhoi fighter-bomber …

They will thus gain immensely from the burgeoning sales of the book among those who wish the nation ill. Jerusalem, February 11 – Treasury officials gathered in the Israeli capital today to celebrate the country’s most recent achievement, a secret deal that will allow the Jewish state to profit from each sale of the infamous …

“They practice such progressiveness that it puts these-called ‘advanced’ societies of the West to shame.” New York, February 8 – The United Nations Economic and Social Council passed a resolution today commending the Islamic State for its attention to the rights of the disabled after the group’s fighters in Libya were filmed executing accused spies …

Rubio’s controllers had an infamous playful moment early last year when they made their robot repeatedly reach for his water during a political speech. Tel Aviv, February 7 – The day following the final debate among the multiple remaining Republican Party candidates, the team operating the android known as Marco Rubio expressed satisfaction with their …

“We would have made the same decision if Baleedi were riding in a Volkswagen,” said General Moe Terrs, a Pentagon spokesman. Sanaa, Yemen, February 4 – The world’s largest auto manufacturer announced its intention today to take the United States to court over the latter’s destruction by drone-fired missile of a Toyota vehicle carrying the …

Measures in case of further violations include the removal of Shakran’s access to articles pre-written by left-wing NGOs. Tel Aviv, February 3 – A journalist at Israel’s most prestigious newspaper has been disciplined for not meeting the publisher’s mandated minimum number of times writers must use certain politically charged terms, PreOccupied Territory has learned. Amos Shakran, …

“By reacting to this event I have already departed from my self-imposed ratio of two anti-Israel tweets for every non-Israel-related tweet.” Damascus, January 31 – At least 45 people were killed and dozens more injured in a suburb of the Syrian capital today, in a triple bombing that was not perpetrated by Israel, and will therefore …

The boy’s attorney, Zehavi Gal-Un, blamed the Minister of Education for the incident. Kfar Sava, January 27 – Inspired by United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon’s refusal to condemn Palestinian stabbing attacks on Israelis, a high school senior accused of attacking his teacher today also characterized his act as legitimate resistance, saying it is human nature to …

Prior to her work with the Times, Hadid wrote for Electronic Intifada, a site known for its anti-Israel and antisemitic prejudice. New York, January 26 – The paper of record will from now on address recurrences of overt and frequent journalistic bias from one of its Mideast correspondents by implementing an automated script that attaches an …

“Snow, at least, is even whiter, and I am therefore not the most guilty thing in existence.” Tel Aviv, January 25 – Haaretz columnist and self-hating Israeli Rogel Alpher expressed a measure of relief after Israel’s first major snowfall of the year, saying that he needed to be reminded that he is not the whitest …

“Our values dovetail in several major respects.” Tehran, January 21 – To enhance its ability to identify and apprehend homosexuals, the Islamic Republic of Iran has contracted with the human rights organization Btselem, following revelations two weeks ago that the group engaged activists who reported Palestinians to the Palestinian Authority for selling land to Jews, a …

“Inmates suffer under this harsh grade inflation regime.” Ofer Prison, near Jerusalem, January 20 – Palestinians convicted of terrorism offenses against Israelis accused the administrators of their free university degree program of padding the scores the inmates achieved on exams and papers, an attorney for one of the prisoners said today. Jibril Ahmad, who represents a …

In addition to the trade restrictions, Israel also allows humanitarian medical cases in for treatment, a policy that Gaza leaders say is oppressive. Gaza City, January 17 – Businessmen and growers in the Gaza Strip are complaining that Israel’s blockade of the coastal territory has become so bad, they are forced to import and export …

He had expected to be rewarded for conducting a 2006 war with Iran’s proxy Hezbollah in such a way that the Shiite organization gained credibility Jerusalem, January 16 – Former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert voiced anger over his omission from the roster of criminal suspects and convicts either released or removed from an arrest list …

“We usually associate the doctrine with France in 1940, or with large elements of the Red Army in the second half of 1941.” Aboard the USS Harry Truman, January 13 – Amid escalating tensions with Iran, American naval forces patrolling the Persian Gulf have been ordered to implement a doctrine that calls for stubborn adherence …

“My operation is perfectly positioned, if you will, to exploit this situation.” Raanana, January 11 – A local resident has applied for a grant from the European Commission to help him fund hid efforts to expose his backside at IDF soldiers, the man announced today (Monday). Seymour Butz, 38, told reporters he aimed to leverage …

Obama will refuse to order retaliation of any sort because of his concern over maintaining the JCPOA agreement. Tehran, January 6 – Officials in Iran’s capital are telling excited followers of its recent dramatic activities that they should stay tuned in the coming weeks, when the Islamic Republic plans to expand its provocative activities to include …

“I’ve been saying the name wrong. It’s just on the face, on the face.” Tel Aviv, January 7 – With Netflix expanding its service into Israel for the first time as of yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Israelis rushed to avail themselves of its video-streaming, only to discover that they have been mispronouncing the company’s …

Sudan announced that in addition to severing diplomatic ties, it would sponsor an entirely new cartoon contest. Riyadh, January 4 – Saudi Arabian King Salman ordered several government-run newspapers and broadcast media to publish a series of caricatures of the prophet Muhammad today, saying that the move would at least make the torching of the country’s …

If confirmed, the link will add to a long list of animals used by Jews and Zionist to weaken their opponents. Somewhere near Qalqiliya, January 3 – With their cover finally blown and their role in the spread of the bubonic plague know widely known, the rodents who long evaded detection as the pandemic’s vector …

“I might just close the restaurant for the day and take my family to an amusement park – but I bet they had better ones at Sobibor.” Gaza City, December 30 – The culinary chief and manager of Masri, a gourmet restaurant in this Mediterranean city, laments the limited availability of quality beef cuts there …

Developers have yet to arrive at a process for gaining governmental approval for their projects that does not involve the illicit provision of money or favors. Jerusalem, December 28 – Building developers across Israel expressed bewilderment and frustration at the upheld bribery conviction of former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert today, saying that if it is not …

“Well, of all the rotten luck,” empathized Minister of Internal Affairs Ayyam Adik. Riyadh, December 27 – Sources in the oil-rich nations of the Persian Gulf report that those countries would be more than happy to welcome a sizable number of refugees from Syria, Iraq, and other conflict zones in the Muslim world, but, wouldn’t …

“He’s got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighborhood.” Tel Aviv, December 24 – Nearly a week after he attended a pair of shows by his son’s best friend in this Mediterranean city, Frank Costanza has yet to move his 1978 Mercury from the perfect spot in which he …

“Dihydrogen monoxide is the cause of deaths for countless people by drowning, electrocution, bodily trauma, and infection, among others,” declared a recent report by Human Rights Watch. Iata, near Hebron, December 21 – Every winter, Sami Abu Jizz knows he must withstand a new onslaught of a chemical that Israel lets flow into his village in tremendous quantities, …

“… but on the other hand, right where my watch would be, I’ve got these welts from the handcuffs…” Tel Aviv, December 20 – Members of this Mediterranean city’s sexual sadomasochism scene say they are of two minds about court-imposed gag orders in various recent cases, a community representative said today. The membership of the Society …

An article in the journal Large Unusual Creatures in Asia-Southwest (LUCAS), due out next week, describes the process by which the researchers found and identified the Sarlacc. Jedda, December 16 – Zoologists have uncovered the first known specimen on Earth of a legendary galactic creature that embeds itself in the ground and waits for prey …

“Bibi’s no Trump, and the trolls know that.” Givatayim, Israel, December 16 – Subtlety-free, bigoted loudmouths who dominate the comments section on the Ynet news site voiced their disappointment this week at Donald Trump postponing his announced trip to Israel later this month. The group of internet trolls expressed dismay at being deprived of the opportunity …

“Not having to lay out money for the food, drink, and cleanup that tourists are paying for could give a serious boost to the entire sector.” Sharm al-Sheikh, December 10 – Since a bomb destroyed a Russian passenger jet over the Sinai Peninsula at the end of October, foreign travel to Egypt has all but dried up, …

“The only real difference between a caramel sufganiyah and a jam-filled one is the color of the junk we pipe into it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a colonialist, elitist pig.” Jerusalem, December 9 – Longtime sellers of the deep-fried, decorated pastries known as sufganiyot are lamenting the encroachment of establishments that produce something …

Baghdadi conceded that it was possible Obama himself would shrink from the confrontation, as he has so far failed to stand up to Putin, Khamenei, and Assad. Raqqa, December 6 – After years of attempting to directly engage with what it calls the Great Satan in a fateful, apocalyptic showdown, the Islamic State intends to …

Administrators stressed that no diabolical plans were compromised as a result of the fracas. Tel Aviv, December 3 – Rival members of the International Zionist Conspiracy came to blows this morning over who had reserved today’s session overseeing the subjugation and enslavement of the world’s Muslim population, witnesses reported. Four people present when the altercation began …

A spokesman cited recently released American statistics purporting to show that US strikes had killed 20,000 ISIS fighters and not a single civilian. Moscow, November 30 – A spokesman for the Russian Air Force (VVS) expressed surprise today when informed that VVS strikes had killed dozens of Syrian civilians, as he had been under the impression that …

The first indication of trouble was that Richard Nixon kept escaping. Jerusalem, November 29 – The Dustbin of History will no longer accept any discredited or defeated ideas, its management announced today, after a report found that the facility has largely failed in recent years at keeping those destructive ideas out of circulation. The Dustbin, …

Analysts offered multiple opinions as to the offense that Erdogan believes Washington has implied. Ankara, Turkey, November 25 – Government officials expressed outrage today at the annual American ritual of a presidential pardon issued every Thanksgiving to Turkey, saying that any such practice wrongly implies that the Mediterranean nation has done something that would necessitate …

“I have it ready for you in Tuesday or Wednesday, yes?” Jerusalem, November 25 – The proprietor of a meat and poultry establishment assumes that if your first language is English, you definitely want to buy a whole turkey to prepare for Thursday, sources at the Mahane Yehuda market are reporting. Several purchasers of chicken, beef, …

It costs less to implement the ethnic filter than to employ personnel who must interact with every single passenger. Tel Aviv, November 22 – Heightened tensions in recent weeks over Islamic terrorism has air travelers opting for carriers with greater security wherever possible, making Israel’s flag carrier El Al poised to take advantage of the …

“We’re counting on some good flooding, hypothermia, homelessness, and possibly even a cholera outbreak or something.” Gaza City, November 18 – United Nations and Hamas officials confirmed today that both organizations want this coming winter to be especially cold and wet, so that the consequent suffering of the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip is intense …

Pundits across the region have noted that not just ISIS, but militant Islamic groups in general, appear not to heed warnings that their activities put the lives and welfare of Muslims at risk. Raqqa, formerly in Syria, November 16 – Leaders who say they warned the Islamic State that attacks on Western targets might cause …

“Right now there are a bunch of young Muslims in Europe whom we expect to use their ethnic origins in court to justify their violence, and we need to support that because it hits home for us.” Jerusalem, November 16 – Civil society organizations receiving funding from the New Israel Fund will contribute to a central …

It gave them an enemy combatant fatality ratio almost twice as good as that of Syrian loyalist forces and allied militias such as Hezbollah. Beirut, November 12 – For the first time since Moscow openly acknowledged providing air support for Syrian President Basher al-Assad’s forces last month, Russian fighter-bombers have succeeded in killing their first non-non-combatant. …

Now they cannot even at least fifteen times per day, up from an average of only nine times per day before the current wave of attacks began nearly two months ago. Ra’anana, November 11 – A report by the Ministry of Health has found that the recent wave of violent Palestinian attacks on Jews, mostly …

No specific avenue for causing the demise of the State of Israel and killing its Jewish inhabitants is shown favor or disfavor. Jerusalem, November 4 – In keeping with the organization’s mandated policy of not taking sides in political disputes, a spokesman for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRWA) clarified today …

The manufacturer has been unable to secure Palestinian organs or tissues that could be considered FairTrade. B’er Tuvia Industrial Zone, November 6 – The importers and manufacturers of Ben and Jerry’s premium ice cream in Israel put the kibosh on a new flavor touting pieces of body parts harvested from dead Palestinian terrorists, after determining …

“We don’t know what to think. It’s infuriating.” Ankara, November 3 – Consumers of Turkish news media expressed bewilderment today at allegations reported in the media that Jews control the news media, local sources reported today. Across the Muslim world, conspiracy theories involving Jewish manipulation of finance, media, and governments have always found a willing audience, …

“To my great dismay, the police undermined my ability to provide our audience with a visceral confirmation of my biases.” Rishon LeTzion, November 2 – Law enforcement personnel in this Tel Aviv suburb displayed what journalists are describing as intense lack of consideration for a good anti-Israel story by intervening to prevent passers by from …

Editors and other supervisors of the accused persons might also face disciplinary action, but the nature of that action is left to the discretion of the judiciary. Ramallah, October 29 – The official Palestinian news agency Ma’an found itself on the receiving end of sorcery accusations today, following several weeks of instances in which the …

Amnesty’s eyewitnesses also, by coincidence, uniformly question the other evidence regarding the episodes, notably the use of knives or other sharp implements to attack Jews. Jerusalem, October 28 – In what scientists are calling a miracle of statistics, none of the eyewitness reports cited by Amnesty International in its recent report on the recent Palestinian-Israeli …

“I’m going to put a stop to this nonsense. Even if it takes two thousand years.” New York, October 28 – A leading figure in the movement to impose a cultural boycott on Israel expressed shock and anger today that the Jewish state enables and encourages people to visit and pray at a wall, a …

“We’ve worked the ‘Al Aqsa is in danger’ trope past death, so we’re looking to develop more robust fig leaves to provide a semblance of a pretext for trying to kill as many Jews as possible.” Iata, near Hebron, October 23 – Horticultural breeders are hard at work in this hillside village, trying to produce a …

“We will shield ourselves from the mentality that walling ourselves off from trouble somehow solves the problem.” Tel Aviv, October 22 – Perturbed that many people who accept separation barriers as a valid approach to address problems enter Tel Aviv each day, the city council today adopted a measure that will fund the construction of …

Abbas has reportedly spent the weeks since the award announcement alternately brooding and lashing out at staff. Ramallah, October 19 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas is still sore that the Nobel Peace Prize Committee spurned him as a recipient of the award, sources in the Palestinian Authority reported today. Despite years of educating his people …

Hannibal introduced delicacies such as Tongue à la Nurse, acting with such casualness that her pulse likely never got above 85 in the process. Tel Aviv, October 18 – At Lecter, an upscale restaurant in downtown Tel Aviv, the wine list alone makes many Israelis salivate, as it features several varietals that local vintners do not …

‘Can’t this guy take a hint?’ Washington, Ocotber 14 – With US Secretary of State John Kerry announcing yet another trip to the Mideast, trying once again to restart a moribund Israeli-Palestinian peace process, officials on both sides could not suppress their disbelief at the secretary’s apparent cluelessness over the intractability of the generations-old conflict. Kerry …

Experts say acquiring combat skills with an umbrella, in particular, would constitute a poetic achievement of sorts for Batman, one of whose arch-nemeses is the umbrella-wielding Penguin. Gotham City, October 14 – The vigilante crime fighter of this troubled municipality has announced plans to travel to Israel to pick up hand-to-hand combat skills from the …

“Limiting the celebratory sweets smacks of vindictiveness, and only further feeds the cycle of violence.” Gaza City, October 13 – Residents of this coastal territory are fuming over the Israeli blockade, saying it restricts their access to the sweets and ingredients necessary to properly celebrate the rising Israeli death toll in the current wave of …

“The sophisticated BBC reader or viewer cannot be trusted to come to the correct conclusion without that context.” Jerusalem, October 9 – Editors at the British Broadcasting Corporation’s Jerusalem Bureau have given correspondents the green light to report on the spasms of deadly Arab violence hitting Israel over the last two weeks, now that there is …

“I’m not surprised the Tel Aviv attack resulted in only light injuries to the four victims. That’s basically what you get when you settle for an inferior product.” Jerusalem, October 8 – Jamal Masri, 21, is effusive in describing his timing and good fortune, as his foray into direct-marketing of Cutco® brand knives has coincided …

Israel has mustard significant personnel for this purpose. Basil, Switzerland, October 8 – Executive Director of Cumin Rights Watch Fennel Roth told reporters today that Israel is treating his oreganozation’s personnel as spice, and illegally restricting their movemint. Roth called a press conference to accuse the Jewish State of implementing anise-pecially harsh policy on his group’s …

Gunness pointed to several online collections of the extracurricular hate and violence-promotion in which UNRWA teachers excel, helpfully compiled by bloggers and UN watchdog groups. Amman, Jordan, September 30 – The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees will upgrade its teacher training to facilitate an enhanced curriculum that, in addition to its …

“Why did they disappear as suddenly as they appeared in history? These are all tantalizing, mystifying issues.” Kiryat Malachi, September 30 – Archaeologists studying a newly discovered mosaic in this southern town expressed satisfaction at the level of detail preserved in the find this week, noting that the work evidently shows that people, animals, and …

“It strikes us as curious, to say the least, that not a single Jewish death was recorded in the country not only on the day of the stampede, but for decades.” Mina, Saudi Arabia, September 29 – Investigators into last week’s fatal stampede near Mecca are looking into reports that not a single Jew was …

New York, September 2 – Banking on the success of an initiative in the Rafah area to shield Egypt from the unpleasantness emanating from neighboring Gaza, the country’s delegation to the United Nations plans to create a similar zone between its representatives and those of Ecuador, which occupies the position adjacent to Egypt in the General …

Ministry spokeswoman Loma Amin said that on behalf of the people of Israel, the government apologizes to the world both for producing and tolerating such a fraud, and for taking this long to acknowledge it. Jerusalem, September 20 – Saying it had taken far too long, an official for Israel’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs issued …

The Russian leader assured the international community that if such episodes occur, his soldiers would only stand on the sidelines and cheer. Moscow, September 16 – Russian President Vladimir Putin sought to assuage international concern over his country’s growing military involvement in Syria, saying that his troops would try to provide only indirect support for …

Saddam Hussein is similarly living unmolested in the area. Bnei Brak, September 10 – Four years after his death was faked at a villa in Pakistan, 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden has made a smooth transition to the lifestyle of a Haredi Israeli. The Saudi billionaire-turned-terrorism-financier-turned-ultra-Orthodox-Jew seldom ventures out of this city near Tel Aviv, since …

“Here they can live free lives, and no one will threaten to expose them to non-Edward-Saidian thought.” Doha, Qatar, September 9 – Amid growing attention to oil-rich countries around the Persian Gulf not absorbing any of the millions of people fleeing violent conflict in the Muslim world, several of those countries announced today that they would …

Family members rushed to help, slightly injuring eight cameramen who had been transferred from covering the Syrian conflict. Yatta, near Hebron, September 7 – A Palestinian boy on his way to school this morning accidentally hurt his toe on a protruding piece of rock in the road, drawing renewed attention to the plight of Palestinian …

Haaretz’s new policy will take effect on the first day of October to avoid the complications of advertising packages already sold to Israeli companies and organizations. Tel Aviv, September 6 – The editorial board at Israel’s Haaretz daily voted this morning for consistency’s sake to to eschew advertising from Israeli entities, officially adopting BDS as …

Abbas desires to let other ambitious, well-connected Palestinians line their pockets with funds intended for development of the Palestinian economy, governance, rule of law, and transparency. Ramallah, September 2 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told officials two days ago that he intends to quit politics entirely sometime soon in order to allow someone else to …

“You’d have to be, well, crazy not to see the potential of this.” South Tel Aviv, August 31 – Tour guides around the country expressed bewildered amusement at the macabre tastes of visitors from Africa, but are nevertheless preparing to accommodate the thousands of asylum-seekers by offering tours of mental health facilities. A spokesman for the …

“This whole fiasco, which I have asked the media to ignore, is why I called this press conference.” Jerusalem, August 28 – A spokesman for the United Nations agency that cares for Palestinian refugees issued an urgent call for international assistance Friday, saying that the organization is running short of materials with which to conceal or make …

“Without multiple impressive homes, what is the point of a leadership position?” Ramallah, August 26 – As unemployment soars and Gaza reconstruction has yet to get in gear, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas made another impassioned plea to Arab nations today to make good on their promises of cash so he and his loyalists may continue …

“I’m surprised they didn’t think of this several years ago when Obama first let Assad cross red lines,” said commentator Chava Daum. Tel Aviv, August 26 – Israeli publishers will begin printing the 1949 cease-fire lines with Egypt and Jordan in red, instead of the original green, so that US President Barack Obama will no …

“Mr. Carter’s good friend is a Norwegian physician who has spent quite a bit of time in Gaza, and assured him that the place is teeming with radioactive fragments from Israel’s profligate use of depleted uranium artillery.” Plains, Georgia, August 19 – Former US President Jimmy Carter announced last week that he has been diagnosed …

The father was heard to refer to several IDF officers by various unprintable names, and to question, inter alia, their parentage, masculinity, patriotism, morality, courage, intelligence, and mental stability. Kfar Sava, August 21 – A local father flew into a rage today upon discovering that the military would not allow him to pay for one of its …

“We’re almost at the point where the Council will have enough motivation to take some action, and that’s quite accomplishment.” Geneva, August 16 – The United Nations Human Rights Council is not ignoring the bloody Syrian conflict, says a representative, even though that impression could be gleaned from the body’s apparent near-exclusive focus on other …

It leverages the expertise that every Israeli claims in political and security affairs, and lets them put their money were their mouths are. Tel Aviv, August 17 – Israel’s lottery administration announced a new game today, in which players can bet on what various Palestinian groups will use as the pretext for the next bout of …

There will be no Jewish residents of either country barred from holding public office, serving in the army, or wielding authority over non-Jews. Damascus, August 12 – Syria is poised to become a country in which no persecution of Jews takes place, say analysts, once the small number of elderly remaining Jews there disappears. As the …

Google Israel representative Etaoin Shrdlu anticipates that schools, phone companies, and other organizations that depend on alphabetization will almost all adopt the new alphabet order by 2025. Hertzliya, August 12 – Just days after announcing its reorganization under a new parent company called Alphabet, internet giant Google announced plans for rearrangement of the actual alphabet …

A second important adaptation for Muslim countries involves the elimination of profile photos that display any more than a woman’s eyes. New York, August 4 – A new version of the matchmaking app Tinder for Muslim countries has adapted the software to meet local cultural expectations, reserving the ability to reject a suggested suitor exclusively …

“Please judge each of us by our own despicable behavior and discourse, not that of a completely separate hateful individual.” Jerusalem, August 7 – Israelis who believe people who are different from them do not enjoy the same human rights as others expressed concern this week that society might judge them negatively as a result of …

“There are plenty of strategies to promote public health in the dietary realm that do not require the government to flagrantly target a persecuted minority,” said Liss. Jerusalem, August 5 – Activists from the LGBT community called for protests today in response to a pending Ministry of Health regulation that would ban the use of …

Ballet officials are considering indefinite postponement, unless the lack of seasoned, willing talent can be addressed soon. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, July 29 – Attempts to promote Saudi Arabia and its capital as a forward-looking, culture-rich destination have hit a snag as a flagship project, the Royal Saud Ballet Company, remains unable to recruit top-flight dancers …

The recent episodes strengthened the assessment among Israelis that the $#!t has seriously hit the goddamn fan. Jerusalem, July 31 – In the day following a stabbing attack on the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade and a fatal arson attack on a Palestinian family, officials say evidence is mounting that Oh, @&$#! why is this happening …

“The Tera Patrick, Stoya, and Jayden Jaymes video collections, especially, will never be made available to outside eyes.” Tehran, July 28 – Officials in Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs sought to quell reports today that international inspectors would be able to see some of the country’s sensitive material under the recent agreement, and asserted unequivocally …

“We managed to achieve a ratio of European journalists to participants of exactly three to one, if you count the proprietor of the place.” Tel Aviv, July 27 – A coalition of peace activists who still believe Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas can be counted on to arrive at and implement a final-status agreement with Israel convened …

“It has taken liberal academics centuries to realize that the only authentic expression of any value system is one that dovetails with liberal academics’ axioms.” Raqqa, Islamic State (formerly Syria), July 22 – As the Islamic State establishes itself in parts of what used to be Iraq and Syria, and as tens of thousands of …

Israelis voiced confusion today after the recommendation was reported, as no one seems to be able to secure a mortgage anyway, or knows anyone who has. Jerusalem, July 22 – A European think tank recommended that the European Union adopt sanctions against Israeli banks that provide mortgages for Israelis to acquire property in East Jerusalem, …

“Even if it takes associating with some of the most notorious names in entertainment, we know we just have to do our jobs.” Geneva, July 15 – More than 1600 civilians have been killed in the ongoing Saudi-led offensive against Houthi rebels in Yemen, prompting the United Nations Human Rights Council to call for an …

“By selling our product and follow-on support to BDS movement coordinators from here in Israel, we recouped the initial investment capital within six months of going to market.” Herzliya Pituach, July 17 – Amid the dense concentration of high-tech companies with headquarters or development centers in this city north of Tel Aviv, the relatively unknown …

“We always go the extra 1.60934 kilometers for our entertainment partners.” Tel Aviv, July 13 – An Israeli entertainment marketing contractor is facing confusion from fans and anger from its overseas client after converting rap artist 50 Cent’s name into the equivalent value in shekels to announce his planned appearance. Curtis Jackson III, who uses the …

They expressed regret that the US team had only brought a small contingent of Secret Service personnel. Vienna, July 8 – A spokesman for the Austrian capital’s prostitution industry today petitioned the parties involved in negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program to keep the talks going past the latest deadline. After a framework agreement was signed …

“Our brand carries a certain set of associations, and an erudite readership is not something we see ourselves as having,” said the site’s managing editor, Daili Mell. Tel Aviv, July 8 – Israel’s largest provider of online news and analysis announced today that it would soon impose a ceiling on the level of intelligence that would …

The black hole only attracts new construction materials, as the piles of rubble remaining from last summer’s carnage remain untouched. Kerem Shalom Crossing, July 5 – Thousands of tons of cement, ceramics, and assorted other construction materials for rebuilding the Gaza Strip have entered the territory from Israel since last summer’s war, but almost none of …

The conference called on international bodies such as UNESCO to protect the cherished practice from Israeli “cultural genocide.” Jerusalem, July 2 – Islamic scholars and leaders gathered in the Jordanian capital city of Amman to denounce Israel for suppressing the ancient Islamic culture by attempting to eliminate the murders of women accused of bringing dishonor on …

Unconfirmed reports in Saudi media claimed eyewitnesses had seen a group of people flying a magic carpet away from the scene, but that could not be corroborated. Riyadh, June 29 – Saudi officials accused Israel today of stealing the contents of the magically concealed Cave of Wonders, where the legendary Lamp of the Genie is …

The new discovery pushes back the currency of the trope a further four hundred years, making it almost as old as Peres. Mareisha, Israel, June 24 – Researchers excavating a site from the period of the Biblical King David have discovered what many are calling the oldest yet reference to Shimon Peres as ridiculously old. Last …

They are left with no one to repeatedly gang-rape but girls who have already been terrorized and beaten extensively, and the challenge is gone. Raqqa, June 24 – Newly arrived Islamic State trainees from other countries are worried that the region is running out of virgin girls upon whom to perpetrate brutal rapes, recruits say. The onslaught of Islamic …

“I’m sure there are plenty of uses for Krembo that don’t involve putting it inside your body.” Ramat Gan, June 18 – Food retailers across the country report that despite the manifestly non-edible nature of the Krembo snack, somebody is evidently buying – and, apparently, eating – them in large quantities. The Krembo, a marshmallow-creme-topped …

“History is rife with nations standing idly by while other nations stand idly by.” Moscow, June 10 – Russian Foreign Minster Sergei Lavrov told reporters at a press conference this evening that if the Western powers decide to maintain their inaction on Syria, Russia would not impede the move. A longtime supporter of embattled Syrian leader Basher Assad, …

He assumed, based on media coverage of right-wing Jews, that the latter would respond with open pocketbooks. Jerusalem, June 11 – An entrepreneur who hoped to be the first to open an untapped market in Israel admitted error in gauging the size of that market, and that there appeared to be no demand for candy …

“It rubs the lotion in its skin or it gets the hose again,” the League said. Cairo, June 3 – The League of Arab States admonished the Palestinian nation to apply the lotion to its skin and return the lotion bottle to the basket, or else suffer the hose again, League officials reported Wednesday. The Arab League …

Israelis will continue to be subjected to fans pathetically referring to their favorite team as “we.” Tel Aviv, June 4 – Palestinian withdrawal last week of a FIFA resolution to expel Israel from membership in the international organization means Israelis will continue to face the horrors associated with participating in and observing international soccer competitions. Palestinian …

“One selfie with us wouldn’t hurt, would it?” Gaza City, May 29 – In the wake of a picture showing popular band OneRepublic visiting IDF soldiers manning an Iron Dome battery, Hamas militants have complained about being denied a visit by the clearly Zionist-brainwashed group. OneRepublic toured Israel ahead of their concert in Tel Aviv’s HaYarkon Park …

Through connections with his friend Lucius Malfoy, Rajoub has the ear of several important Ministry of Magic figures. Ramallah, May 28 – Fresh from efforts to have FIFA members vote to exclude Israel from international football competition, Palestinian Minister of Sport has continued to use his office to create pressure on Israel in the sports …

“I might just bomb,” he said. “But that I’m used to.” Shuja’iyya, Gaza Strip, May 27 – Fredj Al-Julsun, 27, never knew just a year ago that his foray into composing propaganda songs for the Islamist group Hamas would lead to career opportunities beyond the beleaguered confines of the Gaza Strip. But now, after his …

“Israel is using Teva-manufactured pharmaceuticals to destroy the organisms carrying the DNA which proves Palestinian ancestry to the exclusion of the spurious Jewish claim,” asserted Erekat. Ramallah, May 20 – Palestinian officials accused Israel today of using antibiotics to kill locally occurring bacteria whose genetic sequence proves that Palestinians are directly descended from the most …

“Any contention that the parental entities somehow have a claim to this territory is simply a falsification of history and serves to legitimize the occupation.” Raanana, May 19 – A local high-schooler has been ostracized by her brother and sister for tacitly endorsing their parents’ demands that the children of the family take care of themselves …

Among the factors complicating this treatment of the Fatah-Hamas rift was an intense quarrel between the parties over what kind of paper to use and how it should be procured. Gaza City, May 14 – The ailing Palestinian unity government between Fatah and Hamas received another chance to function today, as leaders of the two factions achieved consensus …

The study looked at the reactions of 30 women to the way you had chosen to attire your child for the 300-meter trip. Jerusalem, May 11 – A survey of fellow pedestrians and other individuals whom you passed with your baby indicates that you should definitely put a hat on that child. The poll, conducted this …

“It’s not every day that a nation gets to see the empathetic side of its political leadership,” said Professor Yuhav Somgall, who studies the Islamic Republic. Isfahan, May 9 – Imprisoned Iranians being held for trying to defend human and civil rights in their country are moved by the Supreme Leader’s sudden interest in the …

Not everyone is thrilled with the deployment of the new device, specifically because of its capacity to stifle democratic protests. Jerusalem, May the 4th – Amid a wave of protests against police brutality and discrimination against citizens of Ethiopian origin, the Ministry of Internal Security unveiled a new device capable of dispersing entire demonstrations. Two large …

Now more than 90% of organs harvested for the international black market begin their journey from beheaded Syrian or Iraqi donors. Tripoli, Libya, May 2 – Executioners for the Islamic State complain that they are having a hard time meeting the monthly quota of organs to remove from victims for shipment to Israel, even with …

Editor’s note: Israel Military Industries gave its consent to the use of the term “Islamophobia” in this article. Tel Aviv, April 27 – A government-owned Israeli corporation secured rights to use of the term “Islamophobia” this week, putting it in position to profit from the profligately used word, a company spokesman said today. Additionally, said …

“All of Palestine is proud of our president for demonstrating a similar commitment to the rigor and principles of the respective fields in which our successive leaders have now been recognized.” Stockholm, April 22 – The Royal Swedish Academy announced today that it would bestow the Nobel Prize in Physics on Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, …

The report also recommended further study of the news media, which, although largely composed of Liberal Arts majors, demonstrates an ability to divide that heretofore has been considered the exclusive province of mathematical experts. Bnei Brak, April 20 – Dismal matriculation rates and lack of meaningful basic mathematics education among Israel’s ultra-Orthodox has apparently not …

“In practice, it’s insanely difficult to organize an endeavor this ambitious without there actually being anyone here who genuinely cares about the Palestinians except as a pretext to attack Israel.” Istanbul, April 15 – Organizers of a flotilla to bring supplies and humanitarian relief to the suffering Palestinians of the Yarmuk Refugee Camp in Syria …

The media hullabaloo surrounding the impending arrival at the Wailing Wall of the mega-star couple drove home to the sacred Temple remnant just how far humanity has sunk. Jerusalem, April 13 – One of the last remnants of King Herod’s magnificent Temple structure released an audible cry this morning after being informed that Kanye West …

Turkey has been able to press its advantage in cheap manufacturing, with government-subsidized programs providing producers of Jew-hatred with incentives to augment output. Istanbul, April 6 – Government figures for January-March 2015 show that Turkey’s balance of trade turned positive in the first quarter for the first time in decades, largely thanks to a surge …

Bread, pizza, and cookie futures began falling late last week, followed more modestly by cakes, pies, crackers and pretzels. Tel Aviv, April 2 – Commodities traders in Israel have noticed a recent decrease in the price of futures for potentially leavened grain products, a seasonal dip that almost always occurs in the late winter and early …

His very arrival in this world was fraught with violations of other people’s space, dignity, and possessions, and his continued existence has only made the situation even more complicated. Beirut, March 29 – Unlike most of his peers, Hassan Dirani does not limit his accusations of illegitimacy to the Zionist Entity to the south; he …

Painting the Right as irredeemably extreme serves J-Street as a classic straw man argument, using large quantities of the agricultural by-product. Tel Aviv, March 25 – The relatively heavy precipitation of the last several months in Israel has severely reduced the availability of dried grain stalks, the defining component of the straw men used by J-Street …

The damage control turned out to be unnecessary, as the call was conducted using the Cellcom mobile network, and nothing was heard. Savyon, Israel, March 22 – The secret cabal behind all of the world’s major affairs scrambled to perform damage control today after requesting the presence of firebrand Arab MK Hanin Zoabi at a …

“When we realized the international sporting community didn’t care about Dubai’s use of slave labor to prepare for the World Cup, we knew we had a chance.” Gaza City, March 18 – The International Olympic Committee announced today (Wednesday) that the winning proposal to host the 2032 Summer Olympic Games was submitted by the Hamas …

Organizers have declined to say whether legendary Qassam Brigades leader Muhammad Deif will give a TED Talk. Gaza City, March 14 – One of the world’s leading practitioners in the art of strapping on explosives and detonating them in a crowd of civilians has teamed up with one of the most prominent organizations involved in spreading …

“Anyone who is in a position to know or care that our numbers are a crock doesn’t use Ynet for business news anyway.” Tel Aviv, March 12 – The popular Hebrew news website Ynet has been using completely random figures each day in its breaking news feed to report on securities trading, but readers have …

Pensions to the families of Palestinians killed while trying to kill Israelis are only being paid at 100%. Rafah Crossing, Gaza Strip, March 8 – Life in this Palestinian coastal enclave has become so challenging under enforced Israeli and Egyptian border closures that the residents are displaying classic signs of suffering under siege: skyrocketing demand for …

“The sheer audacity of the Teva enterprise is stunning,” said Ministry of Health spokesman Avi Uss. Petah Tikva, Israel, March 5 – One of the world’s largest pharmaceutical manufacturers has been caught dealing drugs, Israeli regulatory authorities announced today, and has been doing so in one form or another for more than a hundred years. …

After June, only banks will be allowed to hold Israeli currency, which they will be forced to surrender in exchange for underage brides by the first of August. Ramallah, March 2 – Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his government would soon expand its economic boycott of Israeli products and services to include …

Later in the day the Supreme Council of Elders convened and issued a new protocol intended to prevent a recurrence of the leak. Tel Aviv, February 26 – A rare mistake today by one of the shadowy Elders of Zion resulted in the temporary publication of secret codes used to manipulate the worldwide financial markets …

“It’s possible they know something we don’t,” admitted Middle East scholar N. T. Semitt. Riyadh, February 22 – Despite vehement and vocal demonstrations of concern for human rights on college campuses across the United States in the form of student government votes in favor of divesting from oppressive regimes such as Israel, for some unexplained …

“The stereotype of Israelis is smart, but man, that is not in evidence today.” Jerusalem, February 21 – Residents of this city are reporting an upswing in stupidity and narcissism related to snow, matching a national trend. The second snowfall of the season hit Jerusalem Thursday night and Friday, bringing out the irresponsible jerk in …

“Oppression must be homegrown, like oil.” Amman, February 17 – After a lull in military moves by the United Arab Emirates, Jordanian and Emirati officials confirmed today that the two countries would run joint operations to roll back some of the recent gains by free-expression advocates. Emirati air force pilots began running sorties from Jordan …

Pop icon Shlomo Artzi famously smeared Nutella all over his body before performances throughout the 1970’s, sparking a trend among Israeli women eager to use the treat to maintain youthful, supple skin. Jerusalem, February 15 – Already grieving over the death of an Israeli-Danish Jew in yesterday’s Copenhagen synagogue attack, Israel was buffeted today by …

Absent specific evidence, the theories regarding how the Jews pulled it off have been as diverse as thought in the Islamist world is not. Cairo, February 10 – A series of rare images of Jews in the process of transforming into or back from Muslim-looking people through various forms of black magic has emerged, adding important …

“Giving coverage to attacks on Jews would only encourage more such attacks.” Tel Aviv, February 9 – Two major international daily publications announced this morning (Monday) that they would no longer publish news stories involving incidents of Jew-hatred. The New York Times and Israel’s Haaretz daily published a notice in their print editions today announcing the …

Choudry expressed concern that such behavior on the part of Baghdadi might tarnish the name of Islam. Somewhere near the Iraq/Syria border, February 3 – The head of the Islamic State found himself embroiled in a scandal today when visiting dignitaries from an allied militia found him with no underage girls forced into marriage with …

Future leaders will be forced to bear nicknames that do not prompt people to wonder what the hell they were thinking. Tel Aviv, February 2 – Opposition Leader and current election frontrunner Isaac Herzog confirmed today that his moniker “Buji” was the last idiotic nickname available, leaving none for any other politicians. For decades, Israeli …

The announcement elicited objections from the Association of Funeral Directors, who accused the government of harming their livelihood. Cairo, January 28 – Renewed civil unrest over the last week has prompted an Egyptian government concerned about its image to outlaw dying as a result of being shot or beaten by police. Uploaded footage of a …

The event will take place in the schoolyard of the Imad Mughniyah Primary School in the Dahiyeh neighborhood, between the hours of 4 and 6 pm. Beirut, January 27 – A nearly 50-percent plunge in the price of crude oil over the course of three months now threatens the liberality with which Iran has showered …

Alleyways that previously could only allow two people to pass abreast now have the capacity for an entire pedestrian to trip into one of the many open ditches and break as many as eighteen bones at once. Jerusalem, January 26 – A new series of road and infrastructure improvements to the capital city began last …

Hamas declares war on any ideology differing slightly from Islam; beheading established as Palestinian national sport. Gaza City, January 21 – The Islamist movement that runs the Gaza Strip has unveiled a new initiative to rid the territory of Christians, pacifists, liberals, feminists, homosexuals, atheists, and Justin Bieber fans, using the time-honored Muslim method, beheading. Hamas spokesman Sami Abu …

“We can’t wrap our heads around that idea,” admitted a committee member. Jerusalem, January 20 – Israel’s authority on the proper Hebrew equivalent to vernacular terms adopted into the language has declined to translate foreign terms referring to a positive balance in one’s bank account, an official with the organization told reporters today, saying they saw such …

Jenin, January 14 – A group of Arab entrepreneurs believes the time is ripe to tap the market potential of what appears to be a growing population of ‘lone’ Palestinians who attack Jews and Israelis, under the assumption that such lonely people would make ideal customers for a new matchmaking site. These lone wolves, as the …

New York, January 12 – Publishing giant Harper-Collins announced today that it will soon issue an atlas for Israeli grade-school students that does not include the names of any Muslim or Arab countries, a launch that the company says is intended to atone for its earlier publication of an atlas for Muslim countries that does …

The June attacks are proven as a fitting response to Israeli airstrikes in July and August. Ramallah, January 8 – Scientists at Bir Zeit University announced this afternoon that they had refuted Newtonian notions such as cause-and-effect and the flow of time, freeing their fellow Palestinians of the need to justify their behavior or demands …

Jerusalem, January 6 – Meteorologists and Israeli government officials are warning residents and visitors alike to prepare for a major storm of remarks questioning the validity of climate change observations and predictions, in reaction to an anticipated snowfall and lower-than-average temperatures. Parts of Israel other than the mountainous Golan and Hermon areas have tended to …

Washgington, DC, January 1 – The visionary behind the global peacemaking organization the League of Nations is urging Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to join the League in the aftermath of a failed bid to have the United Nations Security Council endorse a full Palestinian State. Woodrow Wilson, who saw the US through the First World …

Jerusalem, December 31 – Mayor Nir Barkat approved a measure today to save the Municipality of Jerusalem millions of shekels annually by paving streets and sidewalks directly with dog droppings instead of laboriously laying bricks or asphalt and then bringing in dog owners to leave their pets’ deposits everywhere. The Pavement Orifice Output Project (POOP) will combine …

Kadesh Barnea, Sinai Wilderness, December 25 – The twelve tribes of Israel have filed a lawsuit in district court over what they claim is negligent behavior on the part of their Global Positioning System provider, accusing the company of causing them to wander aimlessly in the desert for decades. Israelite Nation v. Moreh Derech, Ltd. …

Shiloh, Occupied West Bank, December 24 – Archaeologists have unearthed a vast conspiratorial effort by ancient Israelites to make Jews living in Palestine 3,000 years later look indigenous, scholars are reporting. Over the last century and a half, diggers have discovered a plethora of artifacts, structures, texts, and other ancient relics of Israelites putting together …

Jerusalem, December 19 – The United Nations agency tasked with caring for the descendants of Arab refugees from the 1948 war over Israel’s creation has broadened its unique definition of “refugee” to include the animals and other possessions of the existing refugee population. While the other refugee agency of the UN, which handles every other …

Haifa, December 18 – Israeli households struggling to make ends meet are awash with gratitude over a new and more pressing source of stress than the classic challenges of hostile regimes and populations. A national poverty report released Wednesday found that more than half of Israeli families are unable to meet their expenses, including a sizable …

Damascus, December 13 – Activists in the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions movement targeting Israel for its alleged human rights violations against Palestinians have set up a station to watch the average kinetic energy of Hell in case it approached freezing, so they may receive advance warning in case they are called upon to oppose the policies …

Ramallah, December 11 – Palestinian leaders are voicing regret that they left out beheading in the various conflicting descriptions of how Israeli soldiers killed a Palestinian official yesterday. Ziab Abu Ein was taking part in a rock-throwing demonstration against Israel when a tear gas canister landed near him and he collapsed. An autopsy eventually revealed …

Beirut, December 7 – The latest influx of people fleeing the ongoing civil war in Syria has tipped the balance of Lebanon’s population, rendering Lebanese citizens a minority in their country and prompting the government to formally rename the country to reflect its new status as composed primarily of those who have fled other places. …

Jerusalem, December 6 – The youths who sprayed threatening and racist graffiti on the walls of a mixed Jewish and Arab school voiced frustration today that they have attracted only criticism instead of commendation for acting only when no one was at the site. The small group of vandals who perpetrated an alleged “price tag” …

Cairo, November 30 – The magistrate overseeing former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak’s trial on murder and corruption charges decided to drop the case yesterday, causing the case to collapse, kill at least one person, and injure an unknown number. Mubarak, now 86, was deposed as part of the Arab Spring uprisings of 2011, and has remained …

Ashdod, November 29 – An umpire at an informal game of cricket died this afternoon after being struck by the ball, sending shock waves throughout the country as people discovered the sport exists. The 58-year-old man was hit in the chest and taken by paramedics to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead several hours later. …

Gaza City, November 24 – The Palestinian government today ordered Palestinians to cease distributing sweets when terrorists kill Jews, saying that the practice puts Gaza’s population at greater risk for developing diabetes. The Ministry of Health released new guidelines today following the murders last week of four Jews in a Jerusalem synagogue, in reaction to which thousands …

Tel Aviv, November 23 – Residents of Israel who spent their formative years in the US are eagerly anticipating Thanksgiving celebrations this Thursday that will invariably fail to live up to their hype, sources close to the expatriate community reported today. The Association of Americans and Canadians in Israel, a group providing resources and cultural …

Yarmouk Refugee Camp, Syria, November 16 – A resident of this embattled neighborhood of Damascus died at the hands of an insurgent sniper this morning, leaving his four children the envy of millions of other refugees worldwide. Whereas the refugees from other conflicts are absorbed by various countries as citizens, the refugees from the various …

Ashdod, Israel, November 15 – Simmering resentment over the perceived hijacking of national purpose and purity by Jews in the government has so far failed to provide fertile recruiting grounds for the Ku Klux Klan, the head of the Ashdod chapter revealed today. The Ku Klux Klan, long known for its vocal opposition to blacks, …

Ramallah, November 11 – Palestinian Negotiator Saeb Erekat lambasted Google today, criticizing the internet giant for promoting “normalization” with Israel by allowing the country’s name to appear in search results. Erekat held a press conference at the Muqata, where he had met with President Mahmoud Abbas. He used the conference as venue for criticizing Google, …

Tel Aviv, November 10 – A Palestinian youth at a Tel Aviv train station was arrested today after mistakenly stabbing an Israeli soldier and unintentionally grabbing the man’s weapon, police report. The youth, from the west Bank town of Nablus, accidentally wrestled with the soldier after unwittingly attempting to seize the soldier’s rifle. The two …

“It’s a natural synergy of goals and talents,” said an AI spokesman. Gaza City, November 5 – One of the world’s most prominent organizations working to raise awareness of human rights violations and political repression will officially join forces with the Hamas movement, Amnesty International announced this morning. The two organizations have collaborated for years …

Tel Aviv, November 4 – A Maccabi Tel Aviv soccer player who defended himself against the assault of a fan who ran onto the field now faces condemnation from the United Nations for his actions. In last night’s match between Tel Aviv’s rival HaPoel and Maccabi clubs, a fan of HaPoel ran onto the field …

Ramat Aviv, Israel, October 29 – Researchers at Tel Aviv University announced today a startling breakthrough in the fight against Ebola, revealing that the serum they had developed both cures the patient of Ebola and simultaneously gives the patient autism. Israeli scientists have been trying for more than a decade to piggyback autism on other …

Tehran, October 23 – A senior Iranian official today denied reports that he had failed to deny the Holocaust, attempting to fend off criticism from political rivals intent on denying him support. Maher Shalalhashbaz, a regional governor, told reporters he had not said the Holocaust had not happened, and contradicted reports that he had contradicted …

Tel Aviv, October 22 – Music fans in Israel will be treated to four live shows by legendary rock musician Elvis Presley this coming spring, local promoters announced today. King Promotions, a Tel-Aviv-based agency, announced that in May next year, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll will perform in Tel Aviv, Haifa, Jerusalem, and Beer …

“Wannabe Texas can’t even manage one per week. That would be comical if it weren’t so downright lame.” Tehran, October 16 – Officials in Iran expressed disdain for the supposed cruelty of Texas’s criminal justice system today, calling the Lone Star State’s number of executions “pitiful.” President Hassan Rouhani initially voiced bewilderment at the level …

“It takes considered, calculated forethought to perpetrate this kind of policy.” Jerusalem, October 15 – A police investigation has uncovered what officials say is convincing evidence that Israel is attempting to develop and maintain its status as the safest place in the region for Arabs to live, a spokesman for the police force said today. …

Baghdad, October 11 – The political and economic benefits promised to potential members of the coalition to combat the Islamic State has led the organization itself to join, diplomats in the Middle East reported Saturday. US Secretary of State John Kerry and Vice President Joe Biden have spent weeks in direct and indirect talks with …

Tel Aviv, October 9 – Minister of Douchebaggery Aluf Arss introduced a new douchebag timetable yesterday morning, announcing that jogging or otherwise engaging in public athletic activity while shirtless would be officially sanctioned through November and December, and resume in March. The previous schedule endorsed the behavior only from May through September. The new policy …

London, October 4 – The latest instance of the Islamic State’s use of beheading to intimidate the West serves as evidence that the technique no longer carries the novelty it once did, news outlets reported this weekend, and in fact the world is getting irritated by it. A British aid worker became the fourth man …

Jerusalem, October 1 – Police officials announced today that the vast majority of potential successors to the police commissioner have been eliminated from contention, ruling out everyone but a turnip in the Machane Yehuda market. Corruption scandals and incompetence have plagued the Israel Police for years, but the scale of the phenomenon has reached a …

Boston, September 29 – Following an outpouring of appreciation once deemed impossible from fans of a hated rival, the outgoing shortstop of the New York Yankees has been appointed Special Envoy to the Middle East. He will use his powers to bring bitter opponents together in pursuit of a greater value. Derek Jeter took the …

Damascus, Syria, September 23 – The leader of a state deeply enmeshed in the support and arming of groups violently targeting civilian populations as a means of achieving political aims told visiting dignitaries today that he backs US-led efforts to combat groups violently targeting civilian populations as a means of achieving political aims. President Basher …

Jerusalem, September 22 – The exploding population of feral cats in Israel has prompted the Ministry of Environmental Protection to declare the animals a renewable resource, clearing the way to harvest them and use them in myriad ecologically friendly projects, a government spokeswoman said today. Spokeswoman Ailura Hatuli told reporters at a press conference Monday …

Geneva, September 17 – The United Nations body tasked with monitoring and addressing human rights violations around the world voted today to remove beheading and other brutal forms of murder from its purview, saying that the member nations did not consider those acts in and of themselves worthy of attention. Human Rights Council Resolution 4411, …

Jerusalem, September 16 – Stiff competition in the high-stakes hot beverage market has led to increasing violence as customers torn between nearly identical competing chains get caught up in it. This month alone, more than a dozen have been killed in the crossfire, with more than 50 others treated for injuries. Startup enterprise Cofix took …

Ramallah, September 11 – Thirteen years after nearly 3,000 people were killed in Islamic terrorist attacks on US soil, a Palestinian monument has finally been set up to commemorate the event and to honor those who died piloting the aircraft involved. A forty-foot statue of a Boeing 767-200ER crashing into a skyscraper was unveiled this …

Amman, Jordan, September 10 – A Jordanian government minister has found himself under fire for allegedly breathing oxygen made by trees in Israel, a charge the official denies. News reports yesterday mentioned Minister of Agriculture Ayyam Aprik in connection with the inhalation of Israel-produced gases necessary for cellular respiration and other metabolic processes, an accusation …

Hatzor, Israel, September 9 – Archaeologists excavating the Canaanite stronghold of Hatzor have discovered an artifact that conclusively corroborates the Palestinian claim to descent from those pre-Israelite inhabitants: the shield of a Canaanite warrior, to which a small child has been bound. The discovery was unearthed last month at the site, which has served as …

Jerusalem, September 6 – Frustrated attendees at various catered affairs took to the political arena this week to protest the drop in quality of the food they experience when moving from the smorgasbord to the sit-down meal, calling on their political representatives to require that caterers make the dinner portion of every affair at least …

Mosul, Iraq, September 4 – The Fox network sent ripples through the entertainment industry today with the news that it inked a deal with the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria to produce a reality series focusing on a group of Westerners taken captive by the terrorist organization, all of whom are under threat to …

Ein Zivan, Israel, August 31 – Following a firefight with Jihadist rebels and many fraught hours during which their fate was unclear, the 75 UN soldiers from the Philippines who managed to make their way across the border into Israel are considering joining the professional field of home healthcare in which so many other Filipinos …

Alexandria, Egypt, August 31 – Mohammad El-Bir is your typical blue-collar Egyptian: struggling economically, hoping for political stability, and certain that Israel is the chief cause of the world’s problems. Pictures of the recent carnage in the Gaza Strip, however, have confronted El-Bir with a dilemma: if, as Hamas leaders claim, Israel’s actions there are …

Hertzeliya, August 28 – Israeli cellular service providers Orange, Cellcom, and Partner, among others, have been pursuing a market strategy to entice customers with an infinite capacity to send text messages via their mobile devices, but scientists are warning that the measures necessary to reach the infinity threshold have sparked the formation of a black …

Bronx Zoo, New York, August 25 – Sophie, a hyacinth macaw in the Bronx Zoo Aviary, expressed wonderment today at the uncanny ability of The New York Times and other media enterprises to echo the anti-Israel claims of Palestinians uncritically. The macaw, who has inhabited the aviary since being bred in captivity 10 years ago, …

Jerusalem, August 23 – Israel’s cabinet has decided to shut down the country’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs amid realizations that its efforts to combat Palestinian propaganda have become pointless. The ministers voted unanimously to disband the ministry and reassign some of its employees to other government offices. In addition to sparing those employees and envoys …

Gaza City, August 19 – With the emerging ceasefire agreement between Israel and Palestinian factions apparently calling for Fatah to assume control of border crossings and other vital interests instead of Hamas, the leader of the latter movement are voicing anticipation of a repeat of 2007, when they defeated Fatah in a brief civil war …

Jerusalem, August 18 – A special governmental committee has decided to award citations of merit to two moderately prominent entertainers who have somehow managed to remain the only such personalities in their industry without any arrests or police investigations in the last fifteen years. Elad Buzaglo and Moti Katz, a singer and magician, respectively, have …

Damascus, Syria, August 14 – Now that a cease-fire has taken effect between Israel and the Hamas-run Gaza Strip, international attention is returning to anything but the ongoing civil war in Syria. The war, which has claimed more than 150,000 lives, has reached a strategic stalemate; loyalist air power continues to pound rebel positions and …

Tzfat, Israel August 13 – A local receptionist is facing suspicions of sorcery today because she managed to put her flash drive in a computer’s USB port without having to turn it over because it was facing the wrong way. Malka Schor, 31, was transferring patient data from one computer to another at the medical …

Geneva, August 12 – The newly announced chairman of the UN Human Rights Council’s investigative commission into possible war crimes in the recent conflict in Gaza has informed reporters that, unfortunately, the commission’s limited allotment of available slots for members means that many aspiring marsupial participants in the kangaroo court have been turned away. “We …

Washington, DC, August 8 – The US is once again using its influence in air travel to modify the way Israelis behave, this time directly addressing the need travelers seem to have to applaud upon landing in Israel. When the Federal Aviation Administration announced two weeks ago that US carriers would not fly to Ben …

Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, August 6 – Among the many troubles plaguing this battered coastal Palestinian enclave, local confectioners are lamenting a lack of the right color sprinkles with which to decorate the sweets they will distribute when an Israeli is kidnapped. It has long been customary among Palestinians, and among Gazans in particular, to …

Rafah, August 9 – After activists created a mess at a UN-run school by dragging corpses onto the grounds of the facility to make it look like the IDF had targeted the school itself, the agency that runs the school intends to issue new rules for how Palestinians may use its buildings to libel Israel. …

Kfar Daniel, Israel, August 2 – One of the country’s most venerable silversmith establishments has been awarded the contract to produce the tremendous silver platter on which to hand Hamas the victory in the current round of violence. The Prime Minister’s Office announced the results of the tender Saturday evening, following the cabinet’s decision to …

Jerusalem, July 29 – After three weeks of intense fighting and no clear end in sight, Israel unveiled a new weapon in its conflict with Hamas today, announcing that if the Islamist organization that rules the Gaza Strip does not agree to disarm, the Ministry for Cultural Affairs will bring in teen pop sensation Justin …

Ra’anana, Israel, July 26 – A local resident who was forced to rush to his home’s safe room while in the middle of his shower cannot remember where in his shampooing cycle he was when the missile alert siren sounded, sources close to the man reported today. Ben Teitelbaum, 36, was engaged in his typical …

Caracas, Venezuela, July 23 – A government-sponsored geological study of Venezuela has turned up no evidence of war crimes by the militant Hamas organization, the BBC reported today. Hamas runs the Gaza Strip and is currently engaged in hostilities with Israel. “This study proves conclusively who holds the moral high ground,” said President of Venezuela …

Kibbutz Nir Am, Israel, July 21 – Members of this agricultural community near the border with the Gaza Strip are troubled by the discovery of several large tunnels in the area, concerned that the tunnels indicate the presence of tremendous insects. In several cases over the last week, Israeli soldiers have been called to the …

Mosul, Iraq, July 20 – The embattled residents of this northwest Iraq city are certain that any day now, protesters in European capitals will take to the streets to call for the world to step in and stop the bloodshed in war-torn Iraq, because as the demonstrations against the Gaza war indicate, human rights are …

Doha, Qatar, July 18 – Unable to accept that the world cares about people other than Palestinians, officials of various Palestinian factions are accusing whoever shot down a jetliner over Ukraine yesterday of attempting to divert the world’s attention from Israel’s offensive on the Gaza Strip. Leaders of both the Fatah and Hamas movements expressed …

North Tel Aviv, July 16 – While Hamas rocket-launch teams in Gaza continue their so-far-unsuccessful attempt to sow widespread death and destruction among the Israeli civilian population, the Home Front Command today reported a sharp increase in referrals of leftist Israelis for treatment of psychiatric trauma. Hospital emergency rooms that had been prepared for numerous physical injuries …

Gaza City, Gaza Strip – Ahmad Dahlan 22, is in many ways your typical resident of the Gaza Strip: young, unemployed, fervently Muslim and uncompromisingly anti-Israel. He also boasts an infectious enthusiasm for being shot, dismembered, burned, crushed or otherwise killed in a looming confrontation with the Israeli Army. “Ahmad reminds us what it’s all …

Cairo, July 15 – Israel’s cabinet voted to accept an Egyptian-mediated cease-fire with Hamas this morning, but the Gaza-based militant organization has yet to endorse the agreement, protesting that the terms of the truce should only apply to Israel. Since Israel began Operation Protective Edge eight days ago, international mediators have rushed to broker a …

Haifa, July 11 – Israel’s national electric utility plans to continue its transition away from coal-fired power plants by harnessing the kinetic energy of modern Zionism’s founder rotating in his grave, the Ministry of Environmental Protection announced today. The Israel Electric Corporation plans to install a subterranean turbine at the burial site of Theodor Herzl …

Rafah, Gaza Strip – Greenpeace International has issued a statement lauding the Islamist movement Hamas for using old photos of the civil war in Syria as part of its anti-Israel propaganda effort. “This is not the first time images have been recycled in public relations,” said the statement by Greenpeace International Director Kumi Naidoo. “But …

Tel Aviv, July 8 – Editors at the popular Israeli website Ynet are toying with the notion of giving their readers news stories beyond celebrity gossip and the latest photos of attractive public figures in swimsuits. With tensions mounting between Israel and Hamas and an IDF operation in the Gaza Strip apparently imminent, Ynet management …

Jerusalem, July 3 – More than 800 commentators, politicians, and other public figures needed medical treatment yesterday when they suffered various injuries incurred while jumping to conclusions over the abduction and murder of Muhammad Abu Khdeir, 16, whose body was found in the Jerusalem forest Wednesday morning. Hospitals reported admitting hundreds of patients for jumping-related injuries …

Geneva, July 2 – The United Nations General Assembly voted today to add the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) to the UN Human Rights Council. The council is the world’s foremost international forum for the advocacy and protection of basic human rights and is made up of 47 member states, which are elected by …

Tel Aviv, June 29 – Troubled by unruly attendees in the audience, Heichal Hatarbut, the Tel Aviv home of the Israel Philharmonic, has decided to stop selling alcoholic beverages beyond the third movement of orchestral works of four movements or more, and after the second movement of three-movement pieces. The decision comes after persistent difficulties …

June 27 – Topographers at the Palestine Institute of Geography (PIG) have published a study indicating that the altitude of Palestinian societal thoroughfares locally considered morally elevated are nevertheless less elevated than the lower routes of other societies. A PIG survey looked at Palestinian behaviors regarding high and low roads since 1950, and compared the …

Ramallah, June 22 – Palestinian officals are accusing an Israeli medical facility of failing to live up to the characterization of Apartheid that the Palestinains and their supporters demand of the Jewish State. According to those officials, Assuta, a private Tel Aviv hospital, has allegedly violated the principles of Apartheid, which would require separating Arab …

New York, June 20 – One week after issuing an announcement calling for the return of three teenage Israeli abductees, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon is still not officially sure the three were actually kidnapped, despite boasts to that effect by the terrorist organization that perpetrated it. He also expressed reservations about Pope Francis being …

Tel Aviv, June 18 – The current crop of FIFA World Cup teams competing for the championship trophy has Israelis split on which of the many Jew-hating countries in the tournament deserves their support. Thirty-two teams will vie over the next several weeks for supremacy, first within their groups of four, and then, for the …

Mosul, Iraq, June 13 – Islamist militants stormed into the second-largest city in Iraq this week, sending the government’s troops fleeing or into hiding and surprising the West with the discovery that national borders imposed by European diplomats in 1920 in complete disregard of local sensibilities cannot be sustained without the unifying effect of a …

Jerusalem, June 11 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reacted to the election of Reuven Rivlin as President of Israel by taking exception to the latter’s vegetarian sensibilities, rather than to his views on the desirability of annexing parts of the West Bank to Israel. Abbas had his office send a perfunctory note of congratulations to …

Damascus, Syria, June 6 – The referees tasked with officiating at various soccer matches around the world endorsed the outcome of Syria’s national elections today, in which serving President Basher Assad was reelected to a third term. The referees, widely assumed to be impartial arbiters of proceedings, have uniforms and everything, which means that everyone …

Jerusalem, June 5 – The aftermath of the Shavuot festival has anthropologists and other scientists scratching their heads at the popularity in Israel of a sponge-like, only mildly edible cheesecake in honor of the day, when dairy is traditionally made a part of the festive menu. Scientists observing Israeli gustatory habits remain at a loss …

Ramallah, May 31 – On the eve of an anticipated announcement that the Palestinians have officially established a unity government between the Fatah and Hamas factions, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas shifted the focus to Israel, accusing the Jewish state of amassing millions of Jews. In a move that experts expect will characterize much of …

Jerusalem, May 30 – A joint report by the Ministries of Environmental Protection and Agriculture recommends that the government cease enforcement of pesticide limits aimed at protecting aquifers, since the underground water sources have already been depleted. Minister of Agriculture and Rural Development Yair Shamir endorsed the report, released yesterday, that would effectively remove restrictions …

Jerusalem, May 26 – Three days into his historic journey to Israel and the Palestinian territories, aides to Pope Francis report that the pontiff is at or ahead of schedule on his mission to offend as many individuals, groups, and institutions as possible along the way. Since the start of his trip several days ago, …

Ramat HaSharon, May 25 – Bright Foods, the Chinese conglomerate that purchased a controlling stake in Tnuva last week, is trying to reassure Israeli consumers that drinking melamine-contaminated milk will not usually be lethal. Bright Foods completed the purchase of 56% of Tnuva’s shares last Wednesday, acquiring them mostly from the British holding company Apax …

Istanbul, May 21 – Armenians mass-murdered by Turks during and immediately following the First World War are expressing disgust and shock at Palestinian claims that Israel targets them for genocide, and wonder what controlled substances the Palestinians have been ingesting or otherwise putting in their systems that would account for such a distorted take on …

Jerusalem, May 18 – The makers of latex prophylactics are warily eyeing the downward trend of Birthright Israel registration, as the thinning ranks of those Jewish young adults who have never been on an organized tour of Israel are reflected in fewer opportunities for Israeli soldiers to seduce participants, resulting in lower condom sales. Since 1999 approximately …

Jerusalem, May 15 – An exhaustive search of retail outlets in Jerusalem’s city center has revealed that there exists one that is not a hoity-toity cafe, researchers from the Hebrew University announced today. Researchers scoured a 400-meter radius of the Ben Yehuda Street pedestrian mall last month, and found that of the approximately 1,200 stores, …

New York, May 15 – In the wake of a global survey measuring the prevalence of antisemitism in various countries and regions, the Anti-Defamation League faces a deluge of nitwits questioning the report’s conclusion based on an erroneous understanding of basic terminology. The study found the Arab world rife with antisemitism, with Arab countries averaging …

Jerusalem, May 8 – Israel’s Ministry of the Environment announced today that to avoid expensive and time-consuming cleanup costs from throngs of visitors, the Nature and Parks Authority would transform most of the country’s green spaces outright into garbage dumps. Hundreds of thousands of Israelis visited national parks and open green spaces on Tuesday in …

Egypt’s government issued new guidelines for media outlets today, capping the number of articles not invoking anti-Semitic conspiracy theories. Newspapers, websites, and other news and commentary media will all be subject to the limit. The country’s Protocol Regulation and Order of Press Activity Guideline Auditing and News Dissemination Authority (PROPAGANDA) informed Egyptian media organizations this …

Hertzeliya, Israel, April 30 – When Google opened its first research and development center in Israel in 2006, company executives were focused more on the quality and quantity of available personnel for the development of new initiatives, but the ensuing years have brought to their attention the potential benefits of employing Haredim, whose expertise with …

Washington, April 29 – After a recording slipped out of US Secretary of State John Kerry that Israel risked becoming an “apartheid state” if negotiations with the Palestinians failed, the secretary issued an apology for his choice of words, which he had believed would remain private, and could not understand why his remorse did not …

Jerusalem, April 23 – The end of a post-Passover holiday celebrating North African Jewish culture in Israel means that Jews of northern and eastern European ancestry can go back to openly disdaining Jews of the Orient. Mimuna, a springtime festival immediately following the Jewish festival of redemption from Egyptian servitude, was brought to Israel by …

Damascus, April 22 – Syria’s embattled government says it is almost ready to hand over what remains of its chemical weapons stockpile, but it just needs to perpetrate a few more atrocities with them first. Under an agreement with various other countries, Syrian President Basher Assad consented to part with its inventory of weaponized chemical …

Jerusalem, April 15 – The latest iteration of failed Israeli-Palestinian negotiations means that the metaphorical coffin of the vision of two states for two peoples has had so many nails driven into it that the quantity of wood composing it has been reduced to negligibility, according to a new assessment. Experts who have been monitoring …

Ramat Gan, Israel, April 6 – Asla Agevah founded Halomot B’aspamia two years a go with the vision of bringing some visceral justice to the world of online marketing, and is now very close to launching the company’s first product: a script that tracks the sources of spam messages and comments and causes the person …

Ankara, April 5 – President Erdogan of Turkey ordered access to the video-sharing site YouTube blocked last week, resulting in an unprecedented spike in worker productivity in the country. Following the uploading of conversations onto the site that embarrassed the government, the president ordered that both the microblogging service Twitter and the video-sharing site YouTube …

Tel Aviv, March 31 – Tel Aviv Disctrict Court Magistrate David Rosen pronounced former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert guilty on corruption charges today, finally supplying Olmert with at least one conviction, something he had lacked in his previous 68 years. The verdict stems from a lengthy series of investigations and litigation involving Olmert’s terms first …

Jerusalem, March 30 – The maker of the Get Out Of Jail Free cards necessary to secure the freedom of dozens of Palestinian prisoners incarcerated in Israel has been unable to meet demand for the product, resulting in delays in the next expected round of prisoner release surrounding Israeli-Palestinian negotiations. Parker Brothers, which produces the …

Washington, DC, March 26 – Saudi Arabia denied a visa to a Jerusalem Post reporter who was to accompany President Barack Obama on the latter’s upcoming trip, prompting the White House to register its chagrin that it lacked the guts to confront the monarchy directly on its discriminatory policies. In a statement, the White House …

Jerusalem, March 25 – A group of as-yet-unidentified Jewish youths from the northern section of the city hopes to put an end to the centuries-old friction over land and politics in the Holy Land by vandalizing the vehicles of non-Jews. 32 cars and trucks were rendered immobile after a group of youths crept into the …

New York, March 20 – The United Nations Security Council reacted coolly to a petition calling for the body to investigate alleged war crimes by the Syrian government and insurgent rebels, saying that the request failed to provide for adequate condemnation of Israeli aggression against Palestinians. The petition, signed by 58 countries, asked the Council …

Tel Aviv, March 19 – Bank HaPoalim became the first Israeli bank to release its government-mandated fee schedule today, announcing three packages for different levels of account activity that will allow Israelis to pay less than they have been paying to use money that belongs to them in the first place. Banking regulators will require …

Los Angeles, March 15 – One of the leading organizations monitoring Israeli treatment of Palestinians has engaged one of Hollywood’s leading directors to contrive confrontations between Palestinian protesters and Israeli troops in order to portray the troops as brutal to extreme dramatic effect. Human Rights Watch, which devotes a significant portion of its efforts to …

Jerusalem, March 10 – The Learned Elders of Zion, who exert tight control over international banking, media, commerce, government, entertainment, and politics, are agonizing over their continued inability to conceal their activities from the conspiracy-theory-minded public. Rumors of Jewish control of markets and governments have been current in certain segments of society for more than …

Rafah, Egypt, March 4 – An Egyptian court declared the Hamas organization illegal today, signaling a sudden dawning on the country’s leadership that perhaps sheltering or condoning violent militant movements on one’s soil might not be the wisest course of action. The court, whose ruling must receive government approval before it attains the force of …

Ramallah, March 4 – A gathering of all the Palestinians in favor of a compromise peace settlement with Israel took place in Ramallah today. Police put the attendance at zero. Flyers announcing the event did not go up several weeks in advance, and a Facebook page promoting the rally went up in the imagination of …

Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran, March 1 – After two terms leading his country in a staunchly anti-Israel, and, many would say, anti-Semitic direction, former President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discovered his own Jewish roots yesterday. Unpacking from the move away from the Presidential Palace in the capital city, Ahmadinejad came across old photos of …

Jerusalem, February 28 – Another round of shuttle diplomacy by US Secretary of State John Kerry has succeeded in getting Israel and the Palestinians to agree to a statement that the Secretary’s appearance resembles a caricature. In what has become a rare point of consensus between the two sides, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli …

Jerusalem, February 25 – Supporters of Israel who have been living under a rock for the last hundred years expect that a study debunking an earlier claim – that Ashkenazi Jews were not genetically linked to the ancient Jewish inhabitants of Israel – will once and for all stop anti-Israel forces from ever employing fallacious …

Amman, Jordan, February 23 – This week, as organizations on college campuses around the globe try to draw attention to what activists have labeled Israel’s “Apartheid” policies governing Palestinians, Palestinian refugees are emphasizing that the even harsher treatment they receive at the hands of neighboring Arab countries is, well, different, because, well, you had to …

Damascus, February 22 – In the wake of a popular uprising in Ukraine that resulted in the deposing of Viktor Yanukovich as president, leaders throughout the Middle East are expressing bewilderment that the authorities in Kiev did not immediately resort to crushing dissent with machine guns, tanks, air strikes, and mass torture. Following months of …

Washington, DC, February 19 – A new study by an independent think tank shows that the lion’s share of BS in the world stems from the conflict between Israel and its neighbors. Environmental and rhetorical scientists from the Center for Research and Analysis of Politics (CRAP) analyzed the quantity and source of the world’s current …

Hatzor, Israel, February 17 – After several prominent Palestinians asserted that they were descended from the ancient Canaanites, leaders of the Canaanite city-states emphatically ruled out the notion that their descendants were modern-day Palestinians. Amirapu I of Ugarit and Yavin of Hatzor held a joint press conference this afternoon, at which they repeatedly denied any …

Washington, DC, February 17 – Fresh from a trip to the Middle East and eager to showcase American decisiveness and will, US Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters today that the Obama administration is seriously considering leaning in the direction of talking seriously about examining the ways in which the US might convey its …

Sochi, Russia, February 13 – Israelis face the crushing prospect today of confronting a world that denies them the respect and legitimacy that they could have had, if only a man and woman in designer leotards had performed better as they glided around each other on an ice rink in the wilds of Russia. Evgeni …

Stockholm, February 13 – Geneticists at the Royal Swedish Academy say they have isolated the segment of DNA that accounts for automatic blamelessness among Palestinians, the European Journal of Medicine reported today. European researchers say that the gene known as TMIM-4, which codes for lack of culpability, is present in multiple copies in the Palestinian …

Jerusalem, February 12 – The tension surrounding the Hadassah Hospital debt crisis increased today when the country largest labor union accused striking hospital personnel of picketing out of turn when it was supposed to be the union’s turn to disrupt Israelis’ lives. The Histadrut, which represents government and public sector workers, criticized hospital staff across …

Canberra, Australia, February 11 – Astronomers in Australia have discovered what they say is the oldest star known so far, prompting Palestinian officials to claim their ancestors inhabited that star long before any Jews came along. Scientists mapping the southern sky identified SMSS J031300.36-670839.3, as the oldest observed star so far, based on its spectrum of …

Rafah Crossing, Gaza Strip, February 10 – This morning saw the last of the Dementors cross the border into Egypt, marking the end of the group’s sixty-six-year mission in the coastal enclave. Since fighting began in late 1947 between Egyptian Arab forces and the isolated Jewish kibbutz of Kfar Darom, the Gaza Strip has been …

Tel Aviv, February 5 – Tel Aviv University has taken back its invitation to have Hassan Nasrallah address the students and faculty, after several professors and student activists complained that the Hezbollah leader was insufficiently anti-Zionist. The university had issued the invitation for a conference on post-Zionism to take place early next month. Nasrallah was …

Yarmuk Refugee Camp, Syria, February 4 – Syrian troops surround this crowded, dangerous camp as snipers, starvation, and lack of medicine takes the lives of dozens of its residents, but the Palestinian refugees living here are expressing gratitude to their supporters overseas for the latter’s noisy attention to an American actress’s endorsement deals. Syrian forces …

Rechovot, Israel, February 3 – Scientists at the Weizmann Institute of Science have promulgated a theory that is sending ripples through the Israeli dairy industry: that it is possible to manufacture a spreadable cheese that is not “White Cheese,” and hard cheese that is not “Yellow Cheese.” In an article in the industry journal Austerity, …

Jerusalem, January 30 – Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat has announced that he is empowering municipal workers and concerned citizens to shoot the owners of dogs that leave excrement on the ground and neglect to clean it up within minutes. Barkat assembled a press conference this morning to publicize the measure and to give city residents …

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, January 29 – The Saudi government announced today it will outlaw women, calling them a threat to the moral fabric of society. As of February 1, anyone in possession of a woman will face fines or imprisonment, with more severe terms for possession of multiple women. Producers of women will face the …

New York, NY (AP) – Meeting behind closed doors because of what others might think of them, the United Nations Insecurity Council took up the matter of the violence in and around the West Bank and Gaza Strip, and wound up denouncing itself. “Who are we to judge the complex situation as if we have …

Davos, Switzerland, January 23 – President Hassan Rouhani of Iran put forth a more diplomatic face today, telling reporters and dignitaries that his country would pursue its aims through a careful course of action, one of “constructive engagement” with the goal of destroying Israel. Attending the World Economic Forum, Rouhani sought to calm observers, pledging …

Traffic inside the D.C. Beltway was not disrupted. Washington, January 23 – Two years since the start of an uprising against Basher Al-Assad’s rule, millions of people did not gather in public places across the U.S. to demand that the United States intervene to protect the Syrian populace from government forces. Tens of thousands of …

Jerusalem, January 16 – Information leaked from Israeli cabinet intelligence briefings suggests that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has engaged a Sicilian mercenary to foment a war between the United States and Iran. Long dismissive of American and other international efforts to contain Tehran’s nuclear arms ambitions, Netanyahu is seeking ways to provoke American military action …

Tel Aviv (AP) – Publicity firm JCDecaux was taken aback by the completely unforeseen reaction to an advertising campaign that distorted the images of children to make them look excessively overweight. The company found itself unexpectedly on the defensive after large swaths of the public expressed disgust at a campaign intended to draw attention to …

Visitors to the various bureau offices are expected to spend at least 45 minutes waiting before their number is called. Jerusalem, January 8 – A local man went to the licensing bureau office to obtain a necessary document this morning and succeeded with a minimal wait time and no hassle, casting doubt on the Licensing …

Jerusalem (AP) – Pope Francis announced yesterday that he would be visiting the Holy Land in May of this year, setting off a scramble among Israelis and Palestinians to score propaganda points in their ongoing conflict and to leverage the publicity of the visit to imply papal endorsement of their respective positions. Francis announced his …

As a consequence, the area continues to suffer from appalling mismanagement, incitement to violence, soaring unemployment, inadequate sewage, and increased radicalization. Gaza City, Gaza Strip, January 5 – The Gaza Strip was not struck by a massive earthquake that separated it from the rest of the Eurasian-African land mass and submerged it in the sea …

New York (AP) – A rapid deterioration of former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s condition has journalists scrambling to update their files in case the publication of an obituary becomes necessary in the coming hours or days. Sharon, 85, suffered a stroke eight years ago that resulted in his current comatose state. The former general’s …

Jerusalem, January 1 – Cutting through the maze of alleys and narrow, one-way streets in the historic neighborhood of Nachlaot is Betzalel Street, where a twice-daily ritual takes place during rush hour as drivers routinely imperil pedestrians by barreling through ill-designed crosswalks. The municipality plans to add at least three more such intersections to the …

London, July 9 – In a new twist on an age-old stereotype, a British Muslim author’s newest work charges that a relatively small number of Jews effectively controls the workings of Israel, a country that most people consider a democracy. Hadda Nuffadis, a Liverpool-born Muslim of Indian descent, writes in From Russia with Glove that the “hidden …

Paris, France (Reuters) – A government-commissioned analysis of the late Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat’s remains has concluded that he did not die of poisoning, as some Palestinians had charged, but by natural causes. Arafat died in 2004 and no autopsy was conducted at the time. The report also noted that Francisco Franco, who took power …

Lausanne, Switzerland – In the wake of forensic evidence that the radioactive element Polonium-210 was present in some of the personal effects that late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat had with him when he died, his widow Suha Arafat sees the hand of Israel in this and other deaths of prominent icons as far back as …

New York, October 2 (AP) – Following Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s fiery address to the UN General Assembly, the New York Times issued a sternly worded editorial chastising the premier for closing the door on the annihilation of Israel as a diplomatic solution to Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons capability. Netanyahu had warned the …