“Sufficient duration before we do to the plight of those depicted in the photo what Muhammad did to his young wife.”

“Correlation and causation become really hard to tease apart here.”

“I’ll have to ask my off-the-derekh friend abou- I mean, if I had any off-the-derekh friends, I could ask them about it.”

“Also they raped us with the bird carcasses and turned us into newts.”

Sources confirm: when the vats start bubbling after midnight in Jerusalem and Bnei Brak, something big is in the works.

He continues to identify as a committed evidence-based thinker free of dogma.

Church officials condemned the decision as “digital martyrdom 2.0.”

“Is habitual inconsiderateness a din de’oraisa or just a very strong chumra?”

“The allegory was perfect until the allegory started eating the upholstery.”

“This seems… off.”

“More or less guaranteed ten men will show, not least because Home Front Command has barred gathering anywhere outside bomb shelters.”

Community members believe no jury would convict.

The drone dodged the single lunge that the aged knight guarding the hoard could muster, and absconded.

Even among those not familiar with the provenance of the melodies, that something had gone wrong.

The workload has forced staffing changes.

If the congregation ran a poll, he would rank fifth among the four regular chazzanim.

“I wish I’d had this function while etching the Tablets,” remarked the foremost of the prophets. “The first set ended up crashing.”

“I don’t even have a proper education beyond religious seminars.”

He has never, in the intervening years, wondered whether other, more sophisticated ideas exist that might have been too complex for preschoolers.

“Turns out the free tier includes fifteen-second unskippable ads every four minutes.”

“Tunes weren’t composed just so you could show off how strong your voice is, or how uncurious you are about the right way to sing them.”

“It’s going to be harder now to institute the changes the younger people want, including limiting the Mi Shebeirachs.”

At least six attendees attempted, in vain, to direct the Rabbi’s attention to the wall clock behind him.

This set of Hakafot will end around December 20, when the congregation will go home, and, the following morning, begin the daytime set.

Table of Contents Executive Summary (~2–5 tablets)1.1 Purpose and Scope of the Environmental Impact Statement1.2 Synopsis of the Divine Directive and Proposed Action1.3 Summary of Key Impacts on Environmental, Covenantal, and Thicket Resources1.4 Overview of Alternatives to the Proposed Sacrifice1.5 Recommended Compliance Pathway with Divine Regulatory Authority Introduction and Regulatory Mandate (~3–7 tablets)2.1 Purpose and …

The problem runs even deeper than suspected: even those who compiled the Qur’an concordance weren’t learned enough to find one.

“I almost went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, like six times.”

The United Nations devoted a session yesterday to passing a resolution demanding that Brill cede the seat to Goldman.

Their spiritual role model, Muhammad, consummated a marriage with a nine-year-old he had married three years prior.

“We also have a mediocre-at-best kiddush.”

No ready answer to, “If today’s Jews are fake, then why do we call them Christ-killers?”

Modern instantiations of earlier Christian treatment of Jews have also taken the form of the blood libel, a time-honored medieval Christian tradition.

The team has yet to determine whether a causative mechanism exists.

Assurances that justice has been served and that no credible evidence exists to prosecute anyone else have prompted a sense of betrayal on the woke right.

“There’s pro-Israelite propaganda everywhere,” charged Amalekite diplomat Stew Peters.

“The Zionists are now even closer to permanent defeat, and we will liberate Canaan.”

Rituals the authors of the Bible found particularly detestable.

“Leopards went extinct from the land of Israel in the twentieth century CE. It’ll be pretty darn wondrous for God to bring them back.”

Under normal circumstances, such fraud violates the tenets of Islam.

Every bite caused him to close his eyes and rock his head back and forth in near-rapture.

“What Western courts often fail to appreciate, the religious courts of Yemen found plain as day.

Actual submission to Allah requires humility.

“I’ve gone to live with my parents until this is worked out,” confided one newlywed man.

A ton of verbiage and background information of uncertain relevance prior to presenting the reason the vast majority of people came in the first place.

They increased exponentially one the Muslim world got involved.

“I can’t even get my kids out of the door on time in the mornings. They think I’ve got a hand in engineering open borders?”

Unlike every single neighboring country, which the pope has never criticized in such strident terms.

” Allah will not be pleased.”

“I know the Imam – he would never serve in a building without at least a hiding place to keep captive Jews.”

“One does not simply submit to the will of Allah,” explained Aweedigh, whose entire system means “submission.”

He is mulling a memorial ceremony to mark the thirtieth day since the burial of the comics.

He channels those crushing moments into tirades about the devastation that awaits people who deceive, oppress, or rob.

Carter’s position as a former leader of the free world and member of the Slander Israel Club necessitated a level of detail that requires a special appointment.

“No one celebrated Hanukkah until the Zionists made it a thing, to establish a fake connection to Palestine.”

“Those Jews think they can fool God!”

His routine otherwise features no noticeable commitment to everyday practices typical of the orthodox Jewish lifestyle.

“We dodged a metaphorical bullet – and likely quite a few literal ones – by having as our oppressors one of the classes of people it’s okay to bad-mouth.”

“My whole vibe got wrecked. It’s like he expects people to pay attention to what he’s reciting.”

“Israel can’t just do what its enemies do.”

Almost 24 hours longer than any previously-documented record.

“We should have thrown him in the river instead of the bread!”

“I thought Jews were supposed to be cheapskates.”

“Best there’s ever been” honesty in a person with peak ability, unadulterated by ambition, was simply unfamiliar to the devil.

“It’s not about ancient history, it’s not about the past, it’s about the present! Who’s with me?!”

The use of so many couriers strained the supply for other important communications.

“It’s the same story as falafel, shawarma, shakshuka, and all the other foods that Jews ate wherever they lived but aren’t allowed to adopt.”

Two of the most iconic names in chocolate today, Nestlé and Hershey, launched their brands right just as secular political Zionism got underway.

“Perhaps by the end of the 2020’s, it will be seen as intolerant and racist to express negative views of boy-rape. Then we can air the canceled episodes.”

“Bring in that Star Spangled Banner girl instead!”

“Concerns over my mental acuity and physical stamina are being used to mask political machinations.”

“Something doesn’t add up.”

He has acknowledged he has no knowledge of Hebrew, Jewish hermeneutics, or Talmud.

“We do it with chametz,” he argued.

“Given the lack of prophecy, we could not issue updates.”

The sum reaches “more than the population of the Gaza Strip.”

“Al Aqsa only seems to expand in directions associated with the presence of Jews.”

They cannot afford to squander such an opportunity to piggyback their political agenda onto an ancient tradition.

“Preferably the blood of a Christian child, but that’s more custom than anything else. There weren’t any Christians yet at the Exodus.”

“Anyone with insufficient devotion to freeing Palestine through blood and fire cannot claim to be progressive.”

Attempts by several angels to interrupt with questions prompted a divine grin and the words, “Don’t Stop Me Now.”

“It’s doubly problematic because we associate the word Israel with oppressors.”

“We could have capped the level of suffering at slavery and infanticide vs. occasional blood, amphibians, and bugs. No, you had to introduce pestilence.”

“If it were actual kids, or goats, no one would mind.”

The sight indicated they were in for an even more awkward time than the cringe they had anticipated.

Pangaea’s Islamic status does not necessarily indicate that earlier supercontinents were not also Dar-al-Islam.

Forging Identity for Goyim to Legitimize Explicit Antisemitic Fulminations (FIGLEAF).

“Ten times the number most of the other shuls in the area get.”

“All of the Gaza dead are children. Even the journalists.”

The group views its stated Jewishness not as a spiritual path but as a political identity.

“Callousness toward safety and human rights that, unfortunately, the civilized world has come to expect.”

“People reestablishing Jewish homes in Gaza will have to address each doorway on a case-by-case basis.”

He also dismisses pro-Israel Arabs, especially patriotic Arab citizens of Israel, as “token” minorities.

“Defend themselves? From whom? When has anyone ever mistreated Jews?”

“I am IN LITERAL HEAVEN.”

“You cannot honestly believe that is what I want.”

“They keep showing up here all these decades later.”

At least half-a-dozen regulars at the 8:00 AM service show similar enthusiasm for catching the reader in mistakes both substantial and insubstantial.

Hamas owes something to Wahhabism in its ideology, though Whataboutism has proved much more salient in current rhetoric.

“We have provided an accessible source that indicates the origins of the practice.”

“Tradition is very important in this family.”

He either remains unaware, or refuses to accept, that the provisions of Jewish law make no distinction.

“It exactly mirrors idolatry, which is, in practice, the worship of power.”

“Please ignore her intelligence, humor, style, gracefulness, affection…”

“Petty tyrants.”

What if Bar Kamtza had been a Trump supporter?

Neighbors bought Upper Deck baseball cards, but Sam and his classmates latched onto a more Jewish equivalent that teachers had encouraged them to collect.

“Maybe my shushing everyone through the years is finally having an effect.”

“Things in the women’s section were just dead.”

“These people aren’t exactly Einsteins.”

Chocolate’s ubiquitous role in celebration means if it is lacking, we are concerned that one or both of the parties will feel defrauded, and the transaction is void.

Shulhan Arukh Yoreh De’ah Section 84 Paragraph 16.

Moses refused to mention raspberries, a fruit he finds unremarkable at best, and nauseating at worst.

The thread began with a debunking of a notorious map purporting to show “Palestinian loss of land” since 1947.

Congregants suppress indications they find his trite bombastic tendencies awkward or undesirable, so as not to humiliate another in public.

What other brilliant or scathing pranks by manuscript copyists are forever lost?

He claimed the same dark forces behind the “theft” of that presidential contest had meddled with the results of the leaven-search. Mar-a-Lago, April 5 – The former President of the United States whose followers allege malfeasance in the counting of votes that deprived him of reelection in 2020 responded this morning to reports that his …

“It’s not really our business what the Romans to do him,” shrugged a man named Philip. “At this point we can wash our hands of the incident.” Jerusalem, March 28 – A group of Jewish sages narrowly avoided violation of a strict Biblical precept last night when they managed to expel from their festival meal …

“I could do such a better job with ‘O Unholy One Who Darkens the Sun’. And he always uses the same stupid tune.”

“No one needs to hear how righteous you are when we all know you’re only interested in chugging enough liquor to pass out and maybe throw up six or seven times along the way.” Jerusalem, March 8 – A resident of Israel’s capital laughed today at people’s invocation of a Talmudic statement enjoining men to …

“Glorying in the violent, targeted deaths of children because they are ‘agents of Apartheid’ or some other falsehood – well, that makes Allah glad He decided to gradually withdraw His favor from the Islamic world some time ago. Now the process will only accelerate.” Jannah, February 23 – The creator and sustainer of the universe who …

Ḥoni attracted criticism for his confrontational, almost embarrassing, encounter with God, but his critics conceded that his “familial” position in the divine “household” had helped them. Mr. Beast, too, has faced criticism for some of his philanthropic efforts. Greensboro, February 14 – The word’s most popular YouTube celebrity agreed to reimburse an ancient Jewish folklore …

Up to thirty percent of the cases of ancient graves discovered in the course of construction excavation never, in fact, existed, except in the imaginations of Haredi protesters provoked to demonstrate against various public works projects by Big Pashkevil. Jerusalem, February 1 – Investigation of several printing establishments in the ultraconservative neighborhoods of Israel’s capital …

(((Somebody))) altered those people’s DNA before they were killed and thrown into a well. Jerusalem, January 23 – Researchers who extracted and analyzed genetic material from centuries-old human tissue discovered that no sequence of nucleic acids coding for cephalic keratin protrusions appears in the cells of those of the Hebraic persuasion as long ago as …

“They’re just so quick to make assumptions about me because of my appearance.” Jerusalem, January 12 – A resident of this city whose insecurities come to the fore upon encountering visibly-observant Jews blames the phenomenon on observant Jews for mentally deeming him unworthy in comparison to them, he can just tell, the man reported today. …

“We are also aware of one special case of devotion involving urinating on the roof of the building, but not everyone reaches that level, so to speak.” Jerusalem, January 3- A local worshiper has taken the next logical step in his behavior toward sites sacred to his faith, observers reported today, moving beyond pointing his …

European progressives called the development unfortunate, but a predictable outcome of Israeli policies. Bethlehem, December 25 – A group of terrorists operating in the traditionally-accepted birthplace of Jesus interdicted the passage of St. Nicholas’s reindeer-pulled vehicle tonight as it passed over the town, and have since kept him in an undisclosed location, a spokesman for …

A part of the service that seldom, if ever, features anything but quiet recitation and on a regular afternoon takes perhaps thirty seconds, not the four minutes this rendition required. Jerusalem, December 14 – A rift has developed in the Jewish cabal that secretly runs much of the world and continues to strive for total …

“Heretic!” yelled two of the diversity officers. “Fascist!” yelled another. Wilmington, December 5 – A clash of values among the the committee elected to oversee a progressive Jewish house of worship has challenged longstanding friendships and assumptions of shared priorities in a membership already riven by the tumultuous politics of the last several years: must the …

“Without going through the real, painful, and necessary T’shuvah process, I’m afraid a presidential pardon, no matter how official, doesn’t expiate the sinner.” Washington, November 24 – Leading spiritual figures in the Jewish world cautioned today that the annual White House ritual of releasing the traditional Thanksgiving fowl from impending slaughter only works, according to …

Jews are responsible collectively for Israeli policies and that Jews have nothing to do with Israel. New York, November 15 – A pro-Palestinian activist who insists that Zionists have created a false link between their movement and the religion that follows the Torah, and who claims that any such link exists only in the tendentious imaginations …

The Being that created the universe with the spoken word made heard what other divine beings heard as a chuckle. Heaven, November 3 – The creator ex nihilo of all existence, with complete control and absolute knowledge of every last detail in that creation, expressed appreciation today for the humor of your feeble attempts at …

Some arrivals believe they have come as visitors but end up detained. Hades, October 26 – Denizens of the Underworld where the wicked suffer eternal torment and others achieve cleansing of their iniquities have voiced with increasing recent frequency the complaint that photography-happy visitors have spoiled the experience for the condemned and the staff alike, infernal …

The belated discovery prompted a flurry of googling and discussions among the seven attendees how to coopt Sukkot for anti-Israel propaganda purposes. New York, October 13 – A self-styled Jewish organization committed an error in planning its special Day of Atonement Solidarity with Palestinians Feast, an organization member acknowledged today, as the group realized only …

“Parasites,” Corell was heard to mutter after rereading a New York Times article on the alleged academic underperformance of certain Hasidic schools. New York, September 29 – A business owner with a bias against employing Haredim also accuses Haredim of living off welfare at the expense of the taxpayer instead of getting jobs, associates of …

The “extended warranty” message constituted yet another element of everything set to be undermined if he followed through. Mt. Moriah, September 20 – The prophesied progenitor of many nations voiced some vexation today upon completing what many consider his final and most demanding trial, recalling a moment during the emotional and psychological ordeal when a …

“A cohort of applicants believes they would come by this hard-earned knowledge as if by magic, without cracking open a textbook or engaging in direct study of the relevant materials.” Jerusalem, September 12 – The reconstituted judicial body that serves as the arbiter of all questions of Jewish law and presides over the post-Messianic spiritual stewardship …

“The trick is learning to handle the weight and girth of it. It’s about cultivating stamina.” Crown Heights, September 1 – A man who blows a ram horn each weekday in the synagogue for most of the month leading up to the Jewish New Year keeps mentioning how big his instrument is, observers report, eliciting …

“It’s especially Jewish to tolerate people who seek to harm you, which is why so many Jews are proud progressives.” New York, August 24 – A gentile took the opportunity again today to lecture a member of the Hebraic tribes on what such membership demands and entails, a pastime in which he indulges with some …

“Their straw man of Jewish assumptions and motives, derived from centuries of antisemitic indoctrination and their own fantasies of power, leads them to think Jews will cower and flee when violence confronts them.” Jabaliya Refugee Camp, August 15 – Members of militant movements dedicated to destroying reasserted Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland believe they …

“What?” he protested. “Admit it, you know it’s funny.” Jerusalem, August 4 – A local father found the opportunity to make a suggestive pun too enticing to wait until it became relevant to the season, choosing instead Thursday morning to call the special versions of food products that normally contain leavened wheat or related derivatives …

The layers of colorful fabric in which the figures are often adorned demonstrates they were objects of devotion. Northeast coast of Land Mass B, July 26 – Explorers unearthed another sample of a distorted humanoid replica last month, identical to previous known samples of the phenomenon, solidifying scholarly opinion on the function and purpose of …

“I’m still saying Kaddish for my mother.” Jerusalem, July 14 – A stalwart supporter of this city’s Premier League team, known for the jingoistic, often-racist, and sometimes-violent passion of its core demographic, plans to return from this evening’s match too late to catch evening services at his synagogue, forcing him to look for nine other …

“I’m a little busy now trying to locate my monster.” Geneva, July 6 – A scientist and his assistant whose work has required them to come into contact with human remains, and thus to contract what the Bible considers spiritual defilement, voiced their dismay today at the need to undergo a special purification ritual before …

“It’s a small price to pay for sustainability,” he explained. “We can afford it, and they can make the sacrifice for something that worthwhile.” Tel Aviv, June 27 – An activist who rails against his people’s spiritual heritage, calling it “idolatry,” “backward,” and “barely removed from child-sacrifice” also adheres to assumptions and values the advancement …

“Who are Westerners to call the elimination of urine from the body on top of a holy shrine a show of disrespect?” Jerusalem, June 8 – Video of a militant Islamist relieving himself on the roof of Islam’s third-holiest site as his colleagues threatened violence over the desecration inherent in Jews walking in the area …

“The place was packed before that, easily eighty or ninety people.” Jerusalem, May 26 – Friday evening services this past weekend saw a dramatic occurrence at a local house of worship, when manifest dissatisfaction evident in the steady stream of attendees leaving the premises as a speaker droned on failed to stop that speaker from …

“The Jews who came from Europe aren’t real Jews because their ancestors weren’t from here. Please ignore that my family name means ‘the Kurd.’” Jerusalem, May 17 – Activists stressed the important distinction today between the lack of ancestral legitimacy today’s Ashkenazim have in claiming their heritage connects them to their faith’s holiest site – …

“I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that something happens if it hasn’t been recorded and uploaded to the cloud.” Jerusalem, May 5 – A local tweenager whose family and community will mark his transition into Jewish adulthood on the Jewish Sabbath voiced his surprise and dismay that neither the ceremony nor …

“We wish to clarify that the eternal truth of the land’s rightful possessors remains Islamic-Palestinian, regardless of every other piece of the mountainous evidence demonstrating to any honest observer that He made it the eternal Jewish homeland.” Land of the Negev, April 26 – The Supreme Being and Creator of all reality acknowledged a rhetorical slip …

“God should know better, is what I’m saying.” Jerusalem, April 14 – This weekend will see the Holy Temple crowded with pilgrims bringing the special annual Passover sacrifice and its associated rituals, but one worshiper finds fault with the Creator and Sustainer of the universe and the source of reality itself, because that Creator neglected …

The article attempts to reconstruct a Bible that contains such lost literary and spiritual treasures. Jerusalem, April 5 – Critical scholars have concluded that the foundational texts of the world’s major faiths feature the glaring absence of material from non-cisgender marginalized groups, a finding that they claim can only be explained by the deliberate, malicious, and …

Judaism began its development more than a thousand years before Christianity, and makes no demand that others convert or accede to its dominion. Rome, March 24 – Two of the world’s major faiths, accounting for billions of human beings and thousands of years of tradition, face difficulty with the developments of recent history and current …

The group had tried to express its grief over Israel’s killing of Salah Nimr; IDF troops shot Nimr last week when he attempted to run them down at a checkpoint south of Jerusalem. New York, March 16 – The limited knowledge of the heritage they assert to represent tripped up a group of activists today when …

“And don’t get me started on dishes. My thinking has really, really come around of late on the whole Biblical miracle thing. It’s much more plausible now.” Mevasseret Tzion, March 7 – A mother of three children in this middle-class Jerusalem suburb acknowledged that she has begun to revise her opinion on the historicity of the Hebrew …

Observers have tracked Katz’s credulous devotion to his teacher to the loss of his father four years ago and an eviction not long afterwards that deprived him of important emotional and psychological anchors. Jerusalem, February 24 – The Facebook account of an area follower of a charismatic spiritual leader brims with admiring posts quoting that leader to …

Even basic-level Jewish resolutions, such as non-Sabbath-observers who turn off their mobile devices and TVs Friday night and Saturday. Jerusalem, February 15 – New research has identified a previously-undescribed physiological phenomenon in humans, in which one who takes on a stricter practice than the mainstream of one’s faith community will, within a short period, unavoidably let …

“I’d be hard-pressed to find a Christian vision and platform that will appeal to enough people unless we also incorporate the deicide charge against the Jews but dressed up as ani-Zionism.” Louisville, February 3 – An American Christian movement constituting part of the mainline Protestant demographic in the United States would not have the first clue …

Getting one of those users to conduct a polite and productive, let alone coherent, conversation with the Rabbi might not prove feasible. Jerusalem, January 25 – A lifelong student of Jewish lore has learned every folio of both the “Babylonian” and “Jerusalem” versions of the faith’s most authoritative text, always keeping an eye out for …

Those Rabbis qualify for at least bishop-level proficiency. Rome, January 17 – Vatican officials announced today that recent developments in the Haredi Jewish community indicating that refusal to take sex-abuse and rape allegations seriously go back decades means that those religious leaders have already mastered the main requirement for positions within the venerable Christian organization, …

Future events with the shaman remain in doubt; he will soon be engaged in a 41-month spiritual retreat. Lawrence, January 6 – Members and administration of Temple Israel in this affluent Long Island suburb acknowledged their enthusiasm today ahead of a program this evening that as its highlight will give the stage to the leader of …

Substantial risk of exposing the extramarital dalliances of at least six important church personnel. By Sewell Littell Caldwell, December 28 – Leaders of a Christian house of worship in this New Jersey township called on its attendees and dues-paying flock to keep its recent expressions of antisemitism to a minimum, out of concern that journalists …

While acknowledging Zionism in their upbringings, they talked mainly of getting the hell out of the dystopia. West Hempstead, December 19 – Saturation of the environment with “seasonal” songs has driven one homeowner in this Long Island hamlet, along with his wife and children, to pack up and move to Israel. Adam Shulman, 30, told …

Witness reports indicate that a stunned silence followed the pronouncement, then laughter and renewed shouting as both boys realized the futility of the threat. Somewhere near what was probably Damascus, December 8 – A family patriarch stuck in a wooden box with his family, thousands of animals, and the waste matter of both groups, threatened …

“They, the dominant cultural force, are becoming more like the Seleucid overlords and Hellenizing Jews of yore, even as they view themselves as plucky fighters for freedom and justice.” Washington, November 29 – News, commentary, and analysis of current events cast in terms of the most recent one-term former president continued this week, as journalists and pundits …

“It’s of a piece with the Gaza siege.” New York, November 18 – A progressive group condemned the Jewish State today for neglecting to arrange catering at a mourning ritual for a man who died during an attempt last week to kill Jews. If Not Now launched a Shiva, a seven-day Jewish observance following a burial, in honor …

A spokesman for IMI stated that the firm will pursue an aggressive defense of its rights. Ramat HaSharon, October 31 – A government-owned Israeli corporation that manufacturers arms and other defense goods took legal action today against a producer of Judaica, charging that the latter’s branding of its armored skullcap series violates the military corporation’s …

Departing from her native Yiddish to convey the sentiment in the correct idiom, one mother cheered her daughter Breindl in English, setting off the commotion among agitated media personalities. Williamsburg, November 9 – Local and national media commentators descended on this Brooklyn neighborhood today following reports that the mother of an eleven-year-old student incited violence …

He counts it as one of his supreme achievements. Brooklyn, October 20 – Infernal sources disclosed today that the Prince of Darkness has admitted to feeling more chuffed than he had expected at the launch of his Evil Initiative thousands of years ago, with specific satisfaction accruing from the phenomenon of people pursuing what they …

“It’ll only take five minutes,” Rosenberg added, bringing the number of falsehoods up to two. Jerusalem, October 11 – A synagogue functionary has mustered all of his powers of persuasion to convey to a passerby the foregone conclusion that a quorum will assemble any moment now for purposes of conducting the daily afternoon service, to …

INN selected the time and day to maximize the metaphorical impact of that’s when they could get everyone to commit to coming. New York, September 30 – A progressive organization seeking to harness its Jewish bona fides by tying its political activities to elements of Jewish tradition ended up injuring three and causing property damage …

Bothersome habits of the attendees around him prevented him from concentrating on anything important. Brookline, September 9 – A worshiper at Temple Shalom in this affluent Boston suburb spent most of the Rosh HaShanah service sending desperate, surreptitious text messages to anyone he thought might help extricate him from the reserved place he had arranged for the …

“I’ll give them till next week’s issue, because I know it’s short notice for this week, but then boom – I’m canceling.” Woodmere, August 26 – A synagogue member who feels that his house of worship’s weekly publication has taken an editorial and ideological step in the wrong direction warned today that if the changes …

“Only with a uniform set of tenets can we, who represent the forces of tolerance and diversity, hope to restructure the systemic injustice to enfranchise everyone who agrees with us.” Park Slope, August 17 – Orthodox elements within the progressive movement took measures today to combat the doctrinal threat of a small but prominent group …

“I know I could get tired of hiding away from human eyes for so long. A milkshake would be just the thing.” Tel Aviv, August 5 – Customers and passers-by saw the main eschatological figure of Islam enjoying himself at a local frozen treats shop in this hip Mediterranean city, witnesses reported Thursday. The Mahdi, known in …

“Ask for your manna to taste like it tomorrow and you’ll understand.” Wilderness of Sinai, July 28 – An Israelite studying the new set of laws that Moses transmitted to the people from the Almighty took issue today with the teaching that the commandment not to cook a young goat in its mother’s milk refers …

A development that threatens the absolute nature of Islam’s inevitable dominance in Islamist theology. Jerusalem, July 19 – Muslim community officials expressed anxiety today that some Jewish holy sites might have escaped the fate that befell almost all other places of Jewish significance, namely their transformation into Islamic sites to demonstrate the supersession of the …

In this month’s issue of the journal Pathways in Observed Social Trends in Human Organization and Cooperation (POSTHOC), a sociology periodical. Jerusalem, July 8 – Researchers have determined that the lore and insight of those who lived long ago, and thus had a more earthy, authentic sense of humanity and nature, illuminates our experience in ways we …

“The whole Allah-giving-Israel-to-Israel has made it much, much harder to kill Jews, which is one important argument in favor of undoing the giving of Israel to Israel.” Jerusalem, June 29 – A local activist believes that despite statements in Islamic sacred texts that assign the Holy Land to the followers of Moses, he can alter …

“B’siyatoh dishmayoh, our holy sons will remain pure of mind, never having seen or felt anything inappropriate while eating as a baby.” Jerusalem, June 20 – The leader of a religious community in this holy city has identified a glaring breach of modesty and dignity in everyday child-rearing behavior, in the form of male babies coming …

International aid organizations cut checks totaling more than $30M. Jerusalem, June 9 – A congregation that had struggled to meet its fundraising target toward a new facility now finds itself with an excess of money after repackaging its appeal as a plea to “help a house of worship with construction after Israel’s devastating bombardment in …

“Our first obligation, even in the era of the Me Too movement, is not to prejudge.” Lawrence, May 20 – A spiritual leader used his sermon this week to stress the Jewish value of always giving someone the benefit of the doubt in the face of awkward or compromising reports, specifically if that someone has …

“We usually struggle to get a minyan by eight-thirty; this week we had one at the outset.” Ashkelon, May 20 – Congregation Kol Sasson has struggled for years to maintain regular services, owing to demographic changes in this Mediterranean coastal city, but the community’s spiritual leader confided today he harbors a hope that current hostilities …

Expiating the shame of losing to Jews in 1948 takes greater precedence than treating holy things with reverence. Jerusalem, May 10 – Authorities on the Muslim faith around the world agreed today (Monday) that the religion assigns greater importance to asserting dominance, violently if possible, over inferior peoples such as Jews, than to upholding the …

“I embraced the honor/shame dynamic. But by committing unspeakable atrocities in service thereof, I only compounded my shame.” Gehinnom, April 29 – A martyred holy warrior for Islam admitted today he had expected his punishment in the afterlife to feature physical flames consuming his tormented flesh for all time, and that he had steeled himself to …

Noooooo, my mom has to be the weirdo. Jerusalem, April 20 – A local seventh-grader has concluded that once again, he must brace himself for the awkward, humiliating experience of his mother’s dietary sensibilities juxtaposed with the mainstream junk food that other parents have no problem providing their children, this time when he and his …

Presumptuous of Jews to think they can be not under Islamic domination. Jerusalem, April 8 – The Islamic council that administers the plateau they call the Haram al-Sharif, or Noble Sanctuary, and which endorses the use of the holy site for sports competitions, day camps, and other non-holy pursuits, aims to preserve the sanctity of …

“My first thought is I did something wrong in placing the charms, so that they are actually having no effect.” Jerusalem, March 25 – A customer at a cut-price chain retailer voiced her consternation today upon discovering not only that the miniature books of Psalms she had purchased as spiritual devices to ward off misfortune …

“We can’t just use the blood of goyim indiscriminately as we used to, not in the current epidemiological environment.” Jerusalem, March 17 – Consumers beginning their acquisitions for the upcoming Passover festival have noticed an uptick in expenses stemming from an additional step necessary to produce the unleavened bread associated with the observance, namely the …

Reactions included numerous “Likes” in which the irony failed to resonate. Teaneck, March 8 – Little more than a week after Purim, a local homeowner has managed to clear, vacuum, and scour her residence to rid it of foodstuffs forbidden to have in one’s possession during Passover several weeks hence, and she believes that sharing …

Ben-Ami’s organization rose to combat the common misperception that the Jews give monolithic support to their own redemption and restoration. Shushan, Achaemenid Empire, February 17 – The emperor issued a proclamation today boasting that his administration has earned the support of a progressive Jewish group that bills itself as “pro-Israel, pro-peace,” in ceasing rebuilding of …

“Works with suspect content of this or any other sort will not be included in the canon.” Jerusalem, February 18 – Redactors of a collection of sacred texts almost let through a prank that would have plagued millennia of readers with the sudden playing of a hackneyed music video, a spokesman for the group disclosed …

“The Zeroth Commandment is ‘Don’t be a goddamn imbecile.’” Divine Throne Room, February 8 – The Creator and Sustainer of all reality expressed frustration today upon discovering additional evidence that despite numerous clear passages in His revealed Word extoling Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland as a paramount value, and despite the blatantly miraculous …

“Making such a dangerous promise is a one-sided measure that establishes facts on the ground prejudicing the outcome of Israeli-Palestinian negotiations.” Beth El, January 28 – A group of left-wing American lobbyists voiced dismay today following a divine commitment to an Israelite patriarch to grant the Holy Land to his descendants, objecting that the Almighty …

Bil’am laid the groundwork for his “silencing” claim with a warning that he will only speak that which YHWH endorses. Shittim, Transjordan, January 20 – A prophet and sorcerer whose repeated attempts to curse the Lord’s chosen people came to naught now accuses the Almighty and the scribes who transcribe His Word of suppressing his …

The Creator of humanity knows a thing or two about human foibles and how hilariously, tragically funny they can be. Kind of like the ‘mishap’ scheduled to hit one of Iran’s sensitive military facilities next week. Tel Aviv, January 11 – Heavenly sources disclosed today that the Almighty Himself has served as the main figure …

The phenomenon and its curious exception require significant further study. Tel Aviv, December 31 – Anthropologists examining the controversial phenomenon in which a more powerful society adopts and adapts elements of a subject people’s heritage have observed that the insistence on the direction of the dynamic pertains to every situation except for one involving Jews, …

“Even going all the way to eleven has become cliché, thanks to pop culture. So I have to go beyond that.” Jerusalem, December 22 – A self-described “spiritual overachiever” in this city of almost 900,000 marked the final evening yesterday of his twelve-day celebration of the eight-day Festival of Lights, having lit a total of …

“Oops,” he muttered. “Awkward.” Boston, December 10 – A Massachusetts silversmith admitted chagrin today following an incident last night in which he misinterpreted a Jewish festival ritual as a signal that he must warn fellow patriots of the route, destination, and purpose of an incoming British body of troops. Paul Revere, 41, of this seaside …

A separate tender features numerous garment and fashion industry entities vying to provide the garments themselves. Oakland, December 1 – Some of the world’s largest bleach and garment-cleanser detergent manufacturers submitted proposals this week to the Temple Institute, a small, Jerusalem-based non-profit that seeks to take practical steps toward restoration of ancient Jewish sacrificial rituals, proposals …

Upwards of 95% of these occurrences can be thus explained. Cambridge, November 19 – An innovative approach to analysis of ancient documents has led at least one researcher to the hypothesis that numerous deviations in Scripture from the expected forms of words stem not from copyist errors, as commonly assumed, but from software similar in function …

“We need an operation to discourage non-Jews from studying the book of Leviticus and certain passages of Deuteronomy, but we can accomplish that by adding all sorts of boring sacrificial ritual to the former, and make the latter look like it’s just repeating what Moses said earlier.” Wilderness of Sinai, November 11 – Mossad officials …

Heavenly sources emphasized that Moses himself bears no responsibility for the mishap. Thebes, April 2 – Heavenly sources confessed embarrassment this morning following a perceived one-hour delay in the mass-killing of Egypt’s firstborn sons, which in fact took place at the time the Hebrew leader and prophet had foretold, but that Egyptians assumed occurred late because …

“I’m not looking forward to when things open up and my wife starts asking why I’m not going.” Jerusalem, October 22 – COVID lockdown measures over the last several months have created a dilemma for one local resident, who itches for restoration of some semblance of normal life but realizes that will bring expectations that …

Even when you change your mind, God agrees with you before and after. Washington, October 15 – Researchers have identified a striking feature of your ideology and political sensibilities, a new study shows, in that those sensibilities align to a remarkable degree with the divine plan for humanity, a feature that no one else’s politics …

“Today’s young Jews are more fluent in smileys, memes, and gifs than in the stodgy verbiage of the Birnbaum, Artscroll, Koren, or even Sim Shalom.” New York, October 1 – Educational and communal institutions continue to struggle to reach and attract young people, but one such organization has hit on a novel way to engage …

Concern that, despite their advanced age, the seven Ushpizin might be carrying the pathogen. Jerusalem, September 17 – A group of Jews concerned for the welfare of the elderly guests who visit each temporary residence during the upcoming Sukkot holiday launched a drive today to raise awareness of the need to don a protective face …

“I haven’t relaxed my standards: I still check that the money has been deposited in my bank before I sign the new certificate.” Jerusalem, September 9 – Members of the capital city’s official religious establishment voiced relief today, following months of economic instability, that they have found their task of failing to visit the culinary establishments …

“Awkward, especially when we’re trying to ingratiate ourselves to other progressive activist groups.” New York, August 31 – Preparations for the upcoming High Holidays in numerous progressive synagogues and temples have prompted more anxiety in 2020 than in years past, owing both to the social distancing restrictions that might hamper attendance, and to the discovery …

Support for Israel as a shared value between the two faith groups is an unacceptable form of “tokenism.” New York, August 19 – Members of an anti-Israel group who cite certain members of the Hebrew persuasion to lend their agenda legitimacy cautioned other Americans of that persuasion that Christian movements seek to co-opt them to lend legitimacy …

Absence of communal prayers will deprive him of the self-righteousness he gets from observing that everyone sings everything wrong. Teaneck, August 10 – A resident of this northern New Jersey township voiced concern today that his synagogue’s announced intention not to hold services during the Jewish New Year and Day of Atonement because of continuing …

“I’m not twenty years old anymore.” Beit Shemesh, July 30 – A resident of this town southwest of Jerusalem plans to take full dietary advantage of the traditional Jewish practice of not eating for a full twenty-four hours from Wednesday to Thursday evening, local sources report, under the ambitious assumption that abstaining from caloric intake …

The Remnant of Israel reached its allotted threshold of suffering and longing during the Spanish and Portuguese expulsions of Jewry in the late fifteenth century Jerusalem, July 21 – Heavenly sources disclosed today that the messianic visions of the Hebrew prophets stand ready for fulfillment, and have for some time, with the only snag to the …

Cardinal Pedro Beinardo heads the commission. Rome, July 9 – Leaders of the world’s largest Christian denomination have commissioned a study to determine whether the body’s ages-old ambition to convince adherents of the Mosaic faith to accept Jesus of Nazareth as the Son of God and as their savior from Original Sin might meet more …

“That was a close one,” breathed publisher Amos Schocken. Tel Aviv, July 1 – Editorial and reporting staff at Haaretz breathed a sigh of relief Wednesday upon discovering that an article on Orthodox Jews did not, as feared, let facts go unvarnished by the bias, disdain, and arrogance of the secular journalists involved. Israel’s “paper …

“The IDF can’t be relied on to supply the requisite number of Palestinian corpses with any regularity, and that’s a tragedy.” New York, June 22 – An activist group known for treating the deaths of even the most violent, heinous Palestinian militants as occasions worthy of Jewish expressions of grief shifted tacks this week, given …

“It’s not only our own social position and fear of change we’re considering – it carries implications for all time.” Qadesh Barnea, June 11 – Ten men dispatched from this wilderness location to the Promised Land to bring back details regarding its population, fecundity, strategic preparedness, and other important information for military conquest and eventual settlement …

“You can’t lean over and whisper a snarky comment to your buddy during the Rabbi’s recorded sermon the way you can in shul.” Bergenfield, New Jersey, June 2 – Family and friends of a regular Sabbath morning services attendee noted their concern today at his accumulating stress and anxiety over the impediment that coronavirus containment …

Imperial authorities cast the trio in to the furnace after the three defied a royal edict demanding that all subjects bow to the statue of an idol. Valley of Dura, May 19 – Three Jews cast into a fiery oven for refusing to bow to an idol set up by the Babylonian emperor have decided …

“If we do not ask the omniscient deity to help us, how can He know what we want?” Jerusalem, May 7 – Islamic officials at the council that administers holy sites on the Temple Mount accused the Jewish State today of setting up electronic devices in the area to prevent the five-times-daily prayers there from …

“It’s a cherished community custom.” West Hempstead, New York, April 29 – Israel’s Chief Rabbinate long ago ordained the recitation of a series of laudatory and thanksgiving Psalms on the anniversary of Israel’s statehood announcement in 1948, and some synagogues have ever since enhanced that practice with an accompanying argument over the permissibility of reciting …

Chances of encountering useful opposition, i.e. an acceptable level of spitting shoving, and shouting for PR purposes, are close to nil. Jerusalem, April 20 – A group of feminism activists who mark the start of each Jewish month with a public women’s prayer session at one of the faith’s holiest sites in defiance of traditional …

“We need an inquiry into whose job it was to inform the coronavirus only to attack infidels.” Gaza City, April 2 – A pathogen responsible for tens of thousands of deaths worldwide and hundreds of thousands more with life-threatening respiratory symptoms has either ignored or remains unconscious of the guarantees of various Islamic preachers that …

“Torah is the best guardian,” intoned a young man, citing a martyred sage. Jerusalem, March 25 – Students disregarding official warnings to avoid leaving the home if at all possible and not to congregate or spend time in proximity with others told reporters today they do not need to heed those directives because they enjoy …

A pilgrimage festival under current circumstances will prove an epidemiological nightmare. Jerusalem, March 12 – Ministering angels disclosed today that the Almighty has begun consultation with His advisory board regarding the possibility of delaying this year’s observance of the Feast of Unleavened Bread for more than six months until the danger of a burgeoning plague has …

Their ideas for low-cut, high-hemmed, sex-ambiguous garments for the Israelite priesthood garnered not a single divine glance. Wilderness of Sinai, March 4 – Uproar hit the world of high fashion today following the announcement that the Almighty has selected an unproven youngster for the task of overseeing production of garments for the men who will …

“The best Jews are vulnerable Jews, 100% dependent on the goodwill of others’ for their safety!” proclaims a Facebook post with hundreds of Likes and Shares by Islamists and White Supremacist users. New York, February 24 – A progressive group targeting Jewish youths hopes to recruit a large number of new adherents to its philosophy by means …

“Trust us academics – we’re smarter than you so you have to believe us. Have a little faith, in other words.” Cambridge, February 13 – In what numerous observer are calling a display of divine stubbornness and arrogance, the Creator and ruler of the universe and of reality itself continues to defy calls for His …

“The only explanation for our people and their leadership repeatedly refusing to demonstrate any sense that they possess any political or moral agency.” Ramallah, February 4 – The president of the body that governs the vast majority of Palestinians in areas ceded to their control as part of a 1993 interim agreement expressed his commitment …

“We’re used to taking terms and redefining them to suit our purposes. Why not do that to the entire institution of rabbinics?” New York, January 23 – Two progressive, pro-Palestinian organizations that play up Jewish connections and names to bolster their otherwise negligible Hebraic legitimacy have launched a joint initiative to underscore the traditional bona fides …

Some of the conspirators relish the prospect of direct confrontation. K’helata, Wilderness of Sinai, January 15 – The leaders of an incipient rebellion against the established Israelite leadership have decided on a more frontal approach than they had previously considered, witnesses reported Tuesday, following an abortive attempt to find embarrassing or politically incorrect social media posts by …

“New York football success on this field isn’t so old that it’s irrelevant, but it’s just far enough in the past that its absence still sucks the joy out of life.” East Rutherford, New Jersey, January 6 – The five days following the festive marking of the completion of a cycle of daily Talmud study …

“If I didn’t know any better I’d wager these parents don’t expect the child to live out a full complement of years.” Bethlehem, Judea, December 26 – A man who agreed to circumcise the newborn son of a couple in this town just south of Jerusalem expressed shock and disgust today at the germ-infested barn …

“You can bet every single person before us will run overtime and mess up all the complicated arrangements we’ve made.” Hebron, December 17 – A local patriarch with more than a dozen offspring scrambled to find a logistical solution to numerous conflicting demands, family sources reported today, after every institution educating his children scheduled meetings …

Fake fossils to test faith vs. fake artifacts to displace indigenous Palestinians. Jerusalem, December 5 – Time-traveling Zionists tasked with manufacturing a convincing ancient history for Jewish presence and sovereignty in the Holy Land clashed with the Creator, witnesses report, over the former seeking to place objects in the same spot where the latter intended …

“Whereas previous assessments almost all relied on, or gave significant weight to, adherence to some sort of explicit ancient tradition, our model has determined those those factors are a mere distraction.” London, November 27 – Groundbreaking new research into the nature of authentic Judaism has confirmed what many have long suspected: that a person’s status …

Ben Rhodes added that Americans can make the same confident assumption about China’s Muslim Uighur minority. Washington, November 18 – Former cabinet members and other people within the administration of the previous US president again assured Americans they need not worry about the welfare of demonstrators under Tehran’s rule, since there must be a religious …

Neither parent relishes arguing with their daughter about proper attire. Jerusalem, November 7 – Parents of a local pre-teen admitted embarrassment today over such touchy subjects as sartorial modesty, human intimacy, and male-female relationships, and confided to a reporter that they believe their spouse will discuss those matters with her. Adi and Yosef Schulman’s eldest …

“We cannot overstate the importance of truth in governing Muslim-American relations.” Washington, October 29 – A prominent organization for Muslims in the US issued a disclaimer today cautioning Americans in general, and journalists in particular, not to conflate violence that fills short of producing a death toll in the name of Islam with violence that succeeds …

The epithet “Apartheid” featured prominently. New York, October 3 – Seasonal custom calls for Jews to conduct a reckoning of their behavior, and one organization that assumes the mantle of progressive Jewish values has demonstrated it excels in the important but overlooked arena of publicizing all the faults it sees in the Jews and Jewish institutions …

Representatives of Shas declined to comment on the discrepancy between the campaign promise and Mr. Levy’s posthumous fate. Gehinnom, September 19 – A criminal who died this morning after casting his ballot on Tuesday for a party representing Jews of Mizrahi heritage found himself among the damned, even though the party leadership assured the public …

Consumer goods may enter the coastal territory, but only through Israel via the Kerem Shalom facility or through Egypt via the Rafah crossing. Khan Yunis, September 11 – Worshipers hoping to have sweets on hand to mark eighteen years since nineteen Al-Qaeda hijackers killed nearly three thousand people in a group of coordinated attacks in the …

Rabbi Phil T. Luker has spoken out against the phenomenon. New York, September 2 – Would-be synagogue attendees find themselves unable to afford tickets to New Year and Day of Atonement services at metro area Jewish houses of worship, observers report, because resellers have snatched up the bulk of available places and demand more than face …

“Prioritizing Jews’ wish to live when others seek to kill them flies in the face of established norms.” Jerusalem, August 22 – A would-be terrorist attacker denounced safety procedures at a Jewish house of worship this morning, asserting they made him feel “less than human” by reducing him in that moment to nothing but a …

To challenge the truth of that explanation constitutes Islamophobia. Gaza City, August 13 – Islamic leaders sought today to allay concern over videos circulating on the internet that show mistreatment of cows, sheep, and goats prior to their killing or in the process thereof on the occasion of the Eid al-Adha festival this past Sunday, …

Kol D’mamah Dakkah – “the sound of silence” – as the first such app is known. Giv’at Sh’muel, Aug 1 – Technological innovation has come to the synagogue in the form of wireless, hard-to-see, in-ear speakers that users can wear to block out the age-old nuisance of other worshipers disrupting the service with idle chatter. Adopters …

“This is an outrage,” fumed the mosque’s chief preacher, Imam Asghar Bukhari. Jerusalem, July 24 – Israel’s secret intelligence service pulled off a massive heist of footwear here today, targeting worshipers at a Muslim house of prayer, in its ongoing operations to intimidate, spook, and mess with the minds of the country’s enemies. Sources within …

Synagogue members remain split over the wisdom or justice of Mr. Stickler’s firing. New York, July 15 – Controversy swirled in a Long Island suburb of Manhattan this weekend after a local congregation dismissed its longtime Torah-cantillation specialist for adhering to a pronunciation of a word that, while correct in the historical sense, no longer reflects …

Jews view the Temple Mount, the site of two ancient shrines and the focal point of Jewish longing for thousands of years, as the most sacred location in their religion, but no one cares what Jews think or feel. Jerusalem, July 4 – Islamic Council officials in this contested holy city voiced outrage today after …

“It’s kind of obvious there’s something missing,” observed Carlos Latuff. London, June 24 – Editors and readers of a prominent international daily expressed confusion and concern today at the appearance in the publication of a political caricature averring the existence of a cabal behind certain nefarious developments, but that did not feature a recognizable representation of …

“The IHRA definition now forces me to choose between political morality and political oblivion.” London, June 13 – The leader of Britain’s Labour Party wrote this week to the organization with the most widely-accepted parameters for deeming statements or attitudes Judaeophobic, requesting the group make an exception for him because he really, really needs political …

“There were body parts everywhere,” recalled Archangel Gabriel. Hodeidah, Yemen, May 30 – A jihad warrior wearing an explosive vest set off his charge a split second after his partner today, resulting in the second explosion straddling the earthly and Jannah realms and destroying the 72 maidens that awaited him in paradise. Ibrahim Sanani, 22, planned …

Experts confess inability to account for the phenomenon. Ankara, May 22 – Observers noted this week that not only do Islamists dedicate large portions of their minds to Jews and charge nothing for the space allotted, they appear to violate Islamic principles by neglecting to enforce collection from those Jews of the mandatory tax on …

“We never saw an allosaurus do anything that dumb, and their brains are no bigger than ours, if you catch my drift.” Late Cretaceous, May 13 – Reptiles that ruled the earth for 120 million years before an asteroid impact ushered in climatic shifts that wiped out most of them expressed relief that they met …

“Can you imagine what would have happened to me if I’d rendered assistance without an adequate search of the guy’s Twitter, and it turned out he had liked a tweet by someone who has been insufficiently vehement in denouncing unenthusiastic participants in the Women’s March?” Jerusalem-Jericho Road, May 2 – A traveler passing by the …

“I could go on about Jews, money, and lack of gratitude, but now we must focus on leveraging the current moment and Notre Dame.” New York, April 17 – A prominent activist for women’s and Muslims’ rights in the US aims to repeat the feat she managed two years ago following the desecration of Jewish graves, …

“If a woman is committed as she should be to upholding the Torah and the sanctity of her people, she should be capable of willing her body to comply with Halacha.” Bnei Brak, April 8 – Jewish women must avoid having their monthly periods during the Feast of Unleavened Bread this year, ruled a group …

Observers cited the related phenomenon of journalists describing Jerusalem as “holy to three religions” without noting that the importance of the city to Christianity and to Islam derives directly from its centrality to Judaism. Jerusalem, March 28 – Commentators and journalists who lack the basic knowledge that the location of both ancient Temples marks the …

It mandates specific attention to Israel regardless of the situation there or elsewhere, and has resulted in more condemnations of the Jewish State than of all other nations combined. Sinai Desert, March 19 – Frenzied diplomatic activity in advance of the Almighty’s revelation to the Israelites in the wilderness has Muslim countries lobbying heavenly forces …

John Kerry urged his Democratic colleagues to free up organizational resources and time for other important areas of concern now that Khamenei had solved the climate crisis. Tehran, March 6 – A group that, in its efforts to persuade the public to support a treaty governing Iran’s nuclear program assured the public of a religious ruling …

“It’s enough to make a saint wonder whether getting burned at the stake is even worth it.” Garden of Eden, February 27 – Heavenly sources reported today (Wednesday) that the thousands of Christians who suffered and died for the faith voiced resentment following the announcement that the Son of God had been named Martyr of …

The new proposed document focuses on menstruation, inappropriate sexuality, boastfulness, walls, fake news, and the term “sad.” Tel Aviv, February 18 – A venerable hypothesis regarding the sources of verses and passages in the first five books of the Hebrew Scriptures may have to undergo further modification, experts reported this week, following the proposal of an additional …

“It’s not unprecedented to undo thousands of years of doctrine with the stroke of a pen,” remarked religion scholar Pete O’Filia. Abu Dhabi, February 7 – The head of the Roman Catholic Church slapped his forehead in a moment of frustrated revelation today following the realization that if, like the Islamic culture to which he …

The long-term implications of the discovery remain unclear. Jerusalem, January 29 – Scandal gripped the ultra-orthodox world this week following a discovery that the celestial beings who serve as the subject of many conceptual inquiries perform gavottes, horas, and other rhythmic movements set to music with no separation of the sexes, in violation of community norms. …

“The one place in the entire Middle East with a growing, thriving Christian population is the one country these people oppose because it’s a Jewish state.” Bethlehem, January 16 – The Prince of Peace, King of the Jews, Son of God, Jesus Christ filed a lawsuit today against an evangelical institution for invoking his name …

Gabriel introduced the award at a ceremony to honor Einstein on the occasion of the latter finally passing Heaven’s entrance exam. Paradise, January 9 – A Nobel laureate who made unparalleled advances in the theories underpinning human comprehension of the cosmos and of the subatomic world, and who insisted that the non-intuitive, seemingly arbitrary nature of …

The Bank of Israel and the Ministry of Finance appear to have ignored the Law of Unintended Consequences. Bnei Brak, December 31 – Researchers have identified a key factor in the economic challenges that face ultra-orthodox Jews in Israel, according to an article published this week, namely that insistence on avoiding depictions of women in …

Establishments pursuing a more elite non-kosher clientele will also enjoy more expensive options such as certification that the establishment uses or serves wine consecrated or offered to idolatry. Jerusalem, December 20 – Israel’s religious establishment will begin levying fees on food establishments to certify them as not complying with Jewish dietary law, a spokesman announced …

Rival intramural groups place either Muslims or transgender women of color at the top of the victimhood ladder, but not both. Berkeley, December 11 – Divisions among officials and lay figures in the world’s most progressive religious movement worsened today as the factions came close to blows over the question of which ethnic, social, or …

“Do not fall for the trickery that is Jewish adherence to Judaism.” Cairo, November 28 – A prominent Muslim preacher sounded an alarm this week that Jews are attempting to make their foundational documents, beliefs, and practices seem Jewish, a development that continues what he called an ongoing Jewish effort to appropriate ideas, places, and …

“The stories of mohels down on their luck, but who can perform three circumcisions at once, strain credulity at best, and constitute outright fraud at worst.” Los Angeles, November 21 – Rabbinic circles buzzed today with emerging allegations that the most popular venue for aspiring authorities in Jewish law to strut their stuff on the …

Embarrassed movement figures attempted to downplay the mistake. Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip November 12 – Burial for a number of Islamist fighters killed in a clash with Israel yesterday encountered delays when cemetery workers discovered the equipment they needed to inter the bodies had been appropriated by their movement’s operational wing for purposes of excavating …

Not all activists are on board with the decision. Pittsburgh, November 1 – Members of anti-Israel groups congratulated themselves on their sensitivity this week for refraining from harassing those who lost loved ones in a mass synagogue shooting this past Saturday, and postponing any “you had it coming because Israel” accusations until the formal weeklong …

“This is an unusual phenomenon,” admitted Archangel Gabriel. Janna, October 23 – A dissident Islamist journalist murdered and dismembered by agents of the Saudi Arabian regime three weeks ago received his reward of six dozen pristine women in Heaven for dying a martyr’s death, with each segment of his dismembered body assigned a different such consort. …

“The Holy Father’s chief concern has always been the good name of the Church, and this move, in his divinely-inspired assessment, will go furthest in ensuring that the scandal dies down.” Rome, October 11 – The leader of the Roman Catholic Church will soon take drastic steps to address the sexual abuse scandal plaguing the …

“Generations upon generations of Palestinian farmers have tilled the soil thus desecrated, and suffer the humiliation of occupation.” Geneva, September 1 – The United Nations Human Rights Council this afternoon issued the latest in a series of dozens of denunciations of Israel, citing the Day of Atonement ritual involving a he-goat sent hurtling backwards over a cliff …

“I fail to see why our insistence on enjoying this pleasure of the flesh should attract little to no media attention, and thus no public awareness or political support, while theirs is always front-page news.” Jerusalem, August 1 – Advocates of rights for the pork-eating community voiced disappointment today when contrasting the success of the …

The movement, which has yet to decide on a name, because if they did it might get rendered in writing or print in this article or elsewhere, numbers somewhere between twenty and fifty people. Cairo, July 25 – Concern that mere refusal to depict the founder and prophet of Islam provides insufficient safeguards against blasphemous …

He proceeded to list numerous occasions on which human understanding of the divine will shifted, indicating a pathetic grasp of what the divine attribute of eternity means. Heaven, July 18 – Supernal sources reported today that the almighty creator of existence itself has grown what in anthropomorphic terms would be described as tired of human …

“I predict many fewer such sponsorships, and an overhaul of the way Marketing approaches its mission.” Shittim, Plains of Moab, July 10 – A prominent player in the financial sector canceled its monetary support today for a retaliatory Israelite campaign against an enemy nation, following revelations that the victorious army took numerous women and children …

“It’s time for me to take my business beyond the magical community.” Hogsmeade, July 10 – Connoisseurs of this wizarding village’s unique delicacies reported a wave of interest today following an announcement that the largest organization in the world handling certification of foodstuffs for compliance with Jewish dietary laws has signed an agreement to oversee …

Mr. Ali will return to Earthly life in approximately 2025, this time as a suburban father of three near Philadelphia. Seventh Circle of Hades, July 3 – A Palestinian jihadi who died trying to kill Jews will be reincarnated as the father of a six-year-old who refuses to relieve herself anywhere but in her clothes, …

“True liberation will not be achieved until men and women of all demographics, but especially the ultra-conservative, enter bathroom stalls at the same time.” Tel Aviv, June 27 – Representatives of several feminist groups battling to achieve equality of the sexes admitted feeling stung by a recent court ruling upholding a religious event in the …

“Found objects with identifiable marks of ownership don’t automatically become the property of the finder.” Tel Aviv, June 20 – Political and cultural figures railed against a Jewish religious leader today for informing an inquirer that he need not try to return to their previous known owners pieces of Hamas weaponry that he finds on …

Other varieties of pasta have presented no such problem. Jerusalem, June 13 – A local squad of self-appointed enforcers with a mission to maintain strict standards of behavioral and sartorial conservatism warned the proprietor of a neighborhood grocery store to conceal the macaroni elbow pasta he offers for sale, since community standards dictate all elbows …

“Ooh, fruit, big deal,” muttered Samael with a roll of his slit-eyes. Garden of Eden, June 4 – The creature tasked with testing humanity’s adherence to direct divine imperatives complained this morning that he has at his disposal only the produce of a tree, and not something genuinely compelling such as chocolate, cheesecake, or a juicy …

“It might have just been that at least one of the ads uses images of pigs, which our teachings consider unclean animals,” suggested Er ben-Onan. Wilderness Of Sinai, May 28 – Manufacturers of a latex prophylactic voiced dissatisfaction today upon learning that their application to place a commercial message on the gold-covered box carried by …

Paramedics treated nineteen people for injuries at the scene, all of them minor. Bnei Brak, May 17 – A fight broke out in a synagogue today following a controversial segment on a television program last night featuring the misuse of Jewish ritual objects, with each party to the fracas insisting the version of the objects …

“What is WRONG with you??” tweeted Women’s March leader Linda Sarsour. “Not that I have anything against Jews.” Los Angeles, May 9 – One of America’s premier entertainers continued to confuse and infuriate the political left this week by sharing a screenshot on social media that displayed his browser search history, in which the question …

Even if the half-ton of documents and other files contain no mention of such a fatwa, deal advocates insist, that does not discount its existence. Tel Aviv, May 3 – Technical experts and translators processing the vast quantity of documents and other information on Iran’s nuclear program taken by Mossad agents from a Tehran warehouse …

There appears to be a copious supply of SJWs who are still virgins. Jannah, April 26 – A reconfiguration of the protocols by which those who have never engaged in sexual intercourse are allotted to incoming Islamic shahids for the latter’s gratification now prioritizes the selection of those who devote their earthly energies to finding reasons …

“It’s the same problem all over again as with the spies – people in positions of influence who feel those positions threatened by impending or ongoing changes in society, and sabotage the eternal mission of Israel in the world just to preserve their political or social status.” Jericho, April 18 – Israel’s supreme court ordered …

In relationships with mankind modeled in other faiths, Allah noted, the temporal success of an endeavor did not perforce indicate His endorsement. Janna, April 15 – The Supreme Being voiced frustration today at some of His followers’ tendency to accept successes and conquests as evidence of divine sanction for their pursuits, but attributing failures or …

Other countries can still submit applications and documented evidence of their capacity for the kind of ethnic cleansing and mass murder that Israel has only committed in the imaginations of its enemies. Heaven, April 8 – Supernal sources indicated today that the Almighty has expressed displeasure with the performance of Israel in its work of exterminating the …

“What did they even eat?” Great Neck, March 21 – A resident of this town on Long Island’s north shore voiced bewilderment today upon discovering that the kosher-for-Passover versions of popular breakfast cereals were unavailable in ancient Israel, medieval Europe, eighteenth-century Persia, or even Manhattan’s Lower East Side until the last decade. Mehrdad Ebrani, a 42-year-old …

Changes made to the text include replacing “We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt” to “We were slaves to capitalist hegemony and the mainstream media.” Moscow, March 15 – Kremlin agents continue to sow discord and to undermine other nations’ sense of confidence in their leaders, sources reported today, with a new initiative that aims …

If an elf were to convert to Judaism, the creature’s status would be unclear. Hogsmeade, March 8 – Jewish students at the world’s most prestigious wizarding school voiced disappointment today upon receiving word that they could not rely on the services of house-elves to discharge the obligation of ensuring the possession of no leavened food …

He thinks it will backfire and alienate worshipers. Jerusalem, February 28 – The Prince of Peace was treated at a supernal medical facility this afternoon after aggravating his stigmata by slapping his forehead in consternation in response to religious leaders at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher closing the facility to protest impending legislation that …

“We’re flummoxed,” admitted lead researcher Adi Loyada. Jerusalem, February 26 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science voiced bafflement today at the healthy sales of traditional cookies and pastries in honor of the Purim holiday, noting that no one has ever observed a normal human actually consuming them. With the holiday approaching – Wednesday night-Thursday …

Organization executives explained that the incident demonstrated to them his dedication to suppressing coverage of his sexual escapades. Timnah, February 19 – A leading consortium of charities dedicated to fighting poverty in the developing world offered a high-ranking position to one of Jacob’s most prominent sons when it learned he possesses the most important characteristic …

They threatened anyone who gives the coins with violence, excommunication, and a boycott by all other families of their children in marriage. Wilderness of Sinai, February 13 – Ultra-orthodox members of the Israelite people withheld their half-shekel coins this week, contending that such a census to count the number of military-age males in the nation …

Speechwriters for prominent Palestinian officials have been instructed to append the menacing word “Talmudic” to various nouns associated with Israel. Jerusalem, February 7 – Diminishing returns on terminology on which Palestinian activists once relied to provoke outrage in the Muslim world have led them to take more and more desperate rhetorical measures, including a recent …

He has for years sought to develop a thesis that would allow him to dismiss or taint the source so as not to be forced to acknowledge a positive role for something with a religious pedigree. Tel Aviv, January 31 – A local campaigner against the influence of religion on public life averted a crisis …

“No human phenomenon is visible from space, at least not at this point in world history.” Memphis, January 24 – Credulous inhabitants of Pharaoh’s kingdom continue to maintain that the dramatic departure of the Israelite slave population from the country could be observed from outer space, local sources report. Social observers and skeptics bemoaned the …

Foul play has not been disproved. Heaven, January 18 – Supernal sources are reporting that the winged, angelic beings of this realm keep crashing into the pristine glass windows after assuming nothing is there. Archangel Raphael, who oversees medical affairs, told journalists this morning that angel-window accidents have spiked to three per month after holding …

“Compared to the evidence for a workable Two-State Solution, the idea that the Rebbe is Moshiach is a slam dunk.” Crown Heights, January 10 – Adherents of the belief that the late Rebbe of the Lubavitch Hasidic movement did not, in fact, die in 1994, expressed shock today that anyone could think the Two-State Solution to the …

The situation isn’t going to improve just because people are resetting their calendars. Eden, January 2 – Heavenly sources reported this evening that the Creator and Ruler of the Universe has issued numerous guffaws over your baseless assumption that the new year will offer any improvement over its predecessor. Ministering angels told reporters Tuesday night …

Assuming it does will only result in prolonged unnecessary suffering for everyone involved. Jerusalem, January 1 – Talmud scholars rushed to issue a proviso to a famous teaching today, warning that while most people are encouraged to view the universe as created with them specifically in mind so as to foster individual responsibility and empowerment, …

“It is permissible to temporarily pretend not to be a Torah-observant Jew so that one may speak his or her mind without facing trial by media for incitement.” Har Bracha, December 26 – Jewish religious leaders in Israel have begun counseling their followers to disguise themselves as non-religious if engaging in rhetoric that can be construed as …

Included in the ruling are humans, many of whom are descended from slaves once owned by Muslims. Jedda, December 20 – A religious official in this major Saudi city issued a ruling today that all money in the world belongs to Muslims and may not be held by others, as chances are it passed through …

“I’m getting a little sick of it.” Jerusalem, December 13 – An athletic, toned worshiper at a local synagogue has grown tired of his default role as the one who raises the open Torah scroll to show congregants the reading, the man confessed today. Ezra, a muscular man in his mid-twenties who declined to provide …

The most common combination is Fatah-Hamas. The Underworld, December 7 – Eternal punishment for Palestinians who devoted themselves to political violence involves sitting and listening to the bragging claims of other, competing militants, a spokesman for the Afterlife revealed in an interview. During a talk with PreOccupied Territory journalists Thursday, an assistant demon disclosed one …

They wouldn’t, rachmono litzlon, want to end up like the Chasidim, whose gyrating, dynamic dance moves are downright scandalous. Bnei Brak, November 30 – Scandal erupted this week in the world of Lithuanian Orthodox Jewry when a yeshiva student introduced a new dance to his classmates that involves shuffling around in a circle, but in the …

“Someone has to tell this so-called spiritual leader that he can’t just undo tradition with a wave of his hand.” Baltimore, November 23 – Female students at Johns Hopkins University staged a protest today at what they termed the permissive and sacrilegious attitude of the Chabad Rabbi serving at the institution after the latter informed …

Kerry declined to specify what religious authority issued such a fatwa. Washington, November 16 – Former Secretary of State John Kerry has continued his efforts to spread calm in a world troubled by the possibility of escalated sectarian conflict, reassuring Europe’s pre-WWII Jewish population that a religious ruling exists against attempts to annihilate any specific ethnic, religious, …

“This delay is unacceptable,” stated Rabbi Amok Tiegen. Jerusalem, November 7 – A confectionery and baked goods establishment in the nation’s capital has been forced to forfeit certification that its products conform to Jewish dietary practice, after inspectors from the Rabbinate discovered the business had failed to start producing Hanukkah pastries right after Sukkot finished. …

Acceptance of the bloodthirsty-conqueror-and-occupier descriptions applies in those academic and political circles only to the historical periods of Joshua and modern Zionism. Nablus, November 1 – Academics and public figures who under normal circumstances dismiss the early events in Jewish Scripture as non-historical fantasy or metaphor have taken a different attitude toward the portions describing …

“We’re seeing a media master at work,” remarked analyst Kevin Spacey. Jerusalem, October 30 – The David administration made a successful attempt to redirect recent talk of an emerging scandal regarding the king’s alleged affair with a married woman this week by coming out of the closet, media observers have noted. When threatened with opprobrium …

Industry insiders describe the features as the latest in a long line of adaptations for the Haredi real estate market. Bnei Brak, October 25 – Real Estate developers and architects targeting the Haredi market have identified a trend they hope will lead to the construction and sale of more appealing residential properties, in the form …

The angel declined to divulge the number of blasphemy incidents detected since Twitter implemented notifications for mentions. San Francisco, October 18 – Heavenly enforcers raked with identifying and tracking blasphemy have had a much easier time since social media platforms began alerting users when others mention them in posts, a divine spokesangel stated today. Speaking …

“Of course we’re disappointed,” declared a smirking Rabbi Phineas Birnbaum. Caldwell, NJ, October 10 – Municipal authorities ruled with the plaintiffs in a hearing this afternoon that a ritual structure built on public land for the Jewish festival of Tabernacles must be dismantled within fourteen days, an outcome that observers say did not seem to …

“I just know I could have been part of something uplifting and amazing, and I just decided not to.” Tel Aviv, October 1 – A resident of Israel’s commercial and financial hub who declined the opportunity to move about the city on two wheels yesterday fears he may have squandered his chance to experience was …

“We’ve seen more and more of these patients recently,” observed Gabriel. Paradise, September 6 – The Palestinian attacker who shot and killed three Israelis and injured a fourth this morning at a community northwest of Jerusalem, and was fatally shot in the process, has been admitted to the supernal psychiatric section and remains under quarantine, …

“This is an outrage,” wrote one prominent community member on Facebook. West Hempstead, NY, September 18 – Hundreds of Jews will gather this coming Thursday afternoon at Hall’s Pond for an annual Rosh Hashanah ritual that demonstrates a desire to have one’s sins cast away into the depths forever, but many in the area are …

Must a bus hired to transport a group of women be treated in the same manner as a bus that serves a mixed population, or does the vehicle’s status vary with the composition of its passengers? Bet Shemesh, September 14 – Controversy over the place of women in the Haredi community erupted again this week after …

“God saw that it was good,” He declared with the hint of a smile on His lips. Rome, September 10 – The Son of God called on Pope Francis this morning, and on his way through the portions of Vatican City containing priceless art, spent several long minutes admiring the nude figures depicted in the …

Denials of the reports have only fueled speculation of a sweeping coverup and efforts to dig up more evidence. Sura, September 5 – Rumors are swirling in this Mesopotamian city that the venerable scholar who runs the prestigious academy has been deceased for years, and that a lookalike has taken his place. Disciples and townspeople have …

“Ephron was really giving him the hard sell,” recalled a witness. Kiryat Arba, Canaan, August 31 – Negotiations over Abraham’s purchase of a burial site for his wife concluded this morning, but witnesses reported this afternoon that at first, sellers attempted to convince the Hebrew patriarch to acquire a time share on the property instead …

The Sanhedrin voted 70-1 in favor of the motion. Jerusalem, August 27 – The highest court in Jewish Law has decreed that Twitter users who click “Like” on a tweet when no compelling reasons exist for any response other than clicking “Retweet,” the offending user will receive up to forty stripes with a leather whip, …

As evidence, the Islamic authorities point to the fact that they never need real evidence. Jerusalem, August 23 – Spiritual leaders at a contested Jerusalem holy site are warning that the Jewish practice of sounding a ram’s horn each weekday morning this lunar month is meant to exhort Jews to demolish the mosque that stands …

“You do Me no favors by showcasing your insecurity over the observations of a celebrity.” Jerusalem, August 16 – Jesus Christ, son of God, the Prince of Peace, King of the Jews, Messiah and Savior, shrugged His shoulders today and stated He had no problem with John Lennon of the Beatles asserting they were more …

“It’s not even Neil Young – it’s Neil Young wannabe, which is somehow even worse.” Hades, August 14 – Perpetrators of political violence aimed at innocents face a new regimen of eternal suffering in the afterlife, consisting of a continuous playing of the 1971 single “A Horse with No Name” by the soft-rock group America. …

The trend is strongest among wives whose parents cannot afford to support the couple in as lavish a fashion as their more fortunate peers. Lakewood, New Jersey, August 8 – Increasing pressure on the wives of men who study in yeshiva full time to maintain a respectable standard of living has led more and more of the …

The vast majority of the world’s approximately 15 million Jews now refrain from Torah study all year long. Jerusalem, August 1 – The mourning practices associated with the saddest day on the Jewish calendar include a prohibition against studying all but a select group of somber texts, lest one get distracted and joyful through engaging …

The group acknowledges the need now to compensate for the races, day camp activities, gymnastics displays, and other sacred rituals that were not performed on the Temple Mount during that period. Jerusalem, July 27 – Religious officials at Islam’s third-holiest site plan to waste no time today upon coming back there in making up for …

In exchange for a monthly fee, they may display certification of supervision, regardless of how often the facility is actually subject to inspection, if at all. Jerusalem, July 23 – Representatives of the Chief Rabbinate division charged with overseeing compliance with Jewish dietary laws in the preparation of food at restaurants and factories proposed a …

Jews have maintained a security presence in and around the compound for fifty years, a disgrace to Islam so intense that it calls into question the notion that Allah is, in fact, as akbar as His worshipers proclaim. Jerusalem, July 19 – The God of Muslims is so powerful and great that He is unable …

“Almond trees, like all trees, are not objects to be used or invoked by humanity at will, but creatures that deserve dignity.” Anatot, Kingdom of Judah, July 13 – Ecology-minded activists and organizations issued a rebuke to the prophet Jeremiah today over what they termed his exploitative use of an almond branch to make an …

Balaam was seen administering an ass-whipping or two when his beast refused to comply with his wishes. Qiryat Hutzot, July 7 – The Aramean prophet Balaam, son of Be’or, has been making pronouncements from his ass, witnesses have stated. Two young assistants to the seer-sorcerer reported today (Friday) that Balaam could be heard pontificating atop his …

Activists expressed satisfaction that their concerns are being addressed. Tel Aviv, July 3 – Ongoing debate over the role and presence of religious content in the secular education system intensified over the last two weeks, leading the Tel Aviv Municipality to remove all use of the Hebrew language in municipal schools, owing to the language’s …

“We demand that the prime minister reverse his shameful kowtowing to the ultra-orthodox, and kowtow to us instead.” New York, June 29 – Representatives of the liberal streams of Judaism in the US and Israel expressed intense anger this week at Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s move to freeze an arrangement at the Western Wall that …

Five hundred million souls would have gone a long way toward meeting the Devil’s futures quota for the second and third quarters of 2017. Hades, June 25 – The Prince of Darkness has withdrawn from an agreement to assume control of the professional networking medium LinkedIn after discovering that not a single soul was available …

“The earth opening up and swallowing might violate international law,” asserted Ken ben-Roth of Arab Rights Watch. Wilderness of Zin, June 20 – The rebellion of a tribal chieftain among the Israelites resulted in the ground devouring him, his sons, and other ringleaders of the insurrection this morning, briefly exposing the subterranean network of passages …

“Finding the sweet spot for our product can spread things wide open for us in other arenas.” New York, June 15 – Condé-Nasty Publications announced today that starting next month it will begin selling a magazine aimed at the growing demographic of Porn-Again Christians, called Repenthouse. The magazine will come monthly to its subscribers and be available …

“There’s a tremendous market for such a skill.” Jerusalem, June 15 – An oversight group tasked with reviewing the activities of government-funded training enterprises to assist Haredim in acquiring job skills for better integration into the working world and wider society has discovered that one such institution focuses only on teaching its students how to …

Her Pontius Pie Plate has become popular. Patty Kaik is in many ways your typical Crustian: flaky with a passion for cheeses. But her devotion to the cause makes even many of her peers sit up and take notice. Ms. Kaik began her confectionery from home as a sideline about ten years ago for Yeaster. …

“If the influence of those forces is as invidious as Westboro claims, then perforce Westboro is not immune to them.” Topeka, June 2 – In keeping with its tradition of seeing the influence of homosexuality everywhere, the Westboro Baptist Church began picketing its own establishment today, holding a protest to call attention to what it …

Congregations and relieved parents have already placed orders for hundreds of thousands of copies, and RePress, the publisher, will have to produce a second run. Chicago, June 2 – Concerned about the effects that exposure to violence, sex and gore can have on the impressionable minds of children, the Union Methodist Church has published a “family …

The ability to digest dairy products beyond infancy results from a genetic mutation uncommon among Jews. Teaneck, May 28 – Staff at the Butterflake Bakery in this Bergen County, New Jersey township are noting the usual uptick in cheesecake purchases in advance of this week’s Feast of Weeks, when a longstanding Jewish tradition calls for the …

“Been there, done that.” Jerusalem, May 23 – Scholars of religion have discovered that what many adherents of religious faith call “Original” Sin in fact represents a phenomenon that existed well before the Sin’s ostensible beginnings. Religious historians and theologians examined the emergence of the doctrine of Original Sin, a staple of Christian tenets by …

The manna was not delivered in a sealed package bearing the stamp and logo of the Badatz. Wilderness of Sinn, May 18 – An Israelite adhering to stringent requirements for food to be permissible under Hebrew dietary law has refused to partake of the miraculous edible substance provided directly by the Almighty unless it bears …

Oblique metaphoric references to Rashbi’s feat with the apple have found their way into Jewish mystical sources, in which Rabbi Shimon is a seminal figure. Meron, May 14 – Hundreds of thousands of Jews gathered this weekend at the traditional site of a legendary figure in the nation’s lore, famed for uncompromising moral resistance to …

“I told Moses that it’s only thanks to worker-safety protocols that we all haven’t been incinerated.” Wilderness of Sinai, May 10 – The chief architect of the Tabernacle reported today that he has encountered numerous difficulties incorporating into the vessel to hold the Tablets of Testimony technology to melt the faces of Nazis when the vessel …

“The first few dozen times I thought it was a sweet gesture,” he recalled. “But it got old in a hurry.” Phuket, Thailand, May 3 – A deity associated with the domicile of a local family has no idea how to address the repeated sacrifices of grain and other foodstuffs the people of the household …

The prolonged period of everlasting peace showcased the spiritual and moral power the Roman Catholic Church still wields. Cairo, May 1 – Pope Francis concluded his first visit to Muslim-majority Egypt last week amid ongoing anti-Christian violence there, and urged the Christian and Islamic religious communities to interact peacefully – a request from the heart …

The price of the property has not been disclosed. Jerusalem, April 26 – Amid rumors of US President Donald Trump planning a visit to Israel at the end of May, reports have also emerged that the chief executive will purchase the gold-topped Dome of the Rock Shrine on the Temple Mount, and rechristen it with …

The time has come to set the record straight, and that he never meant for people to take the concern seriously. Medzhybizh, Ukraine, April 19 – A chief disciple of the founder of the Hasidic movement revealed today that a practice he initiated of abstaining from the consumption on Passover of matza that has come …

“As far as I can make out, there’s a war going on, and someone used a big weapon – that’s fine, we all want a battlefield edge, be it with chariots, giants, the Hand of YHWH, or the curses of some prophet pronounced against one’s foe.” Divon, April 16 – The ruler of this tribal …

“I think Passover should be a celebration of veganism, with its emphasis on just plain flatbread, some herbs, the haroset paste, and I guess some potatoes.” New York, April 5 – Local abstainer from animal products Trey Zuzay informed his prospective hosts for the Passover Seder this year that when the time comes to recite …

“For Muslims the sanctity of this place is very important. We protect it all the time from desecration by, uh, Jewish settlers who storm it and want to bow directly toward the Dome of the Rock!” Jerusalem, March 28 – A representative of the religious council that administers the Temple Mount – known to Muslims …

Demographers disagreed over the significance of the findings. New York, March 27 – A survey of people in the US and Scandinavia wearing a traditional Islamic garment has found that the majority of them do not adhere to the faith, but wish to show their sympathy with the plight of those facing anti-Muslim prejudice. Pew …

“It was an Emperor’s New Clothes moment for us,” admitted Father Nithi. Rome, March 23 – Papal scholars have come to believe that some of the most venerable and venerated figures in Roman Catholicism were wearing nothing beneath their garments when they posed for portraits, a Vatican spokesman announced today. Father Nudio Nithi told reporters …

Operation Protective Edge, framed as an effort to suppress rocket fire by Hamas, was actually an elaborate ruse to kill Palestinians to use their blood in matza. Jerusalem, March 19 – Manufacturers of unleavened bread for the Jewish holiday of Passover are struggling to turn a profit for the third year in a row, as …

“I was definitely in it for the glory of jihad and freeing our lands of the infidel usurper,” one recalled as he hurled a rare copy of an illuminated Quran into the pyre, then watched as it curled, blackened, and disintegrated, adding to the flames. Gehenna, March 14 – Denizens of the Realm of Perdition …

“Am I supposed to grow figs or something? I can see him causing my trees to wither and die, just to eliminate competition.” Capernaum, Galilee, March 9 – Sellers of loaves and fishes voiced concern today about losing business to a new enterprise by Jesus of Nazareth, who has devised a process by which to …

“Of course there will be those who try to outdo what came before.” New York, March 5 – Police believe the recent spate of bomb threats against Jewish places of worship was a misunderstanding, a department spokesman announced today, with the explosive devices intended not to wreak mayhem, but to produce noise in response to …

“As an intellectual exercise, if nothing else, let us consider the implications of this idea.” Cairo, March 1 – Scholars at the Islamic University of Cairo have raised the possibility that Allah, the all-powerful deity who created and sustains the world, supports the national liberation movement of the Jewish people, given the rapid and increasing …

A Mikveh attendant who gave her name as Riva Rivenu told reporters that confusion over who had made an appointment for a 7:45 immersion led to the fracas. Brooklyn, February 22 – Officers from the NYPD’s 66th precinct responded to a call last night at a Jewish ritual bath, where witnesses say two women came to …

Fed up, as it were, by the man’s attitude, the Lord appeared in a vision to Bonner and instructed him to cease all petition. Rockville Centre, NY, February 20 – The Lord God Almighty finally responded to repeated entreaties by a local man, instructing the 27-year-old to stop pestering Him and do something to improve …

Some members of the Badatz are instructing their disciples and followers to disdain the earlier Jerusalem Talmud as well. Bnei Brak, February 15 – A group of spiritual authorities has barred the study of Talmud because the work states that Moses was not the author of some of the Torah’s Verses. The Badatz Chochmas HaKsil …

“I saw not a hint of a post-colonialist approach, and this was a man who lived in the Middle East for most of his adult life.” New York, February 8 – A leading figure in liberal Judaism is struggling to find corroboration for his sensibilities after failing to find modern progressive principles enshrined in the …

“In examining evidence regarding approximately eighteen million Bar Mitzva celebrations documented since 1920, we have yet to encounter another case where ‘which ____ read so beauuuuutifully’ was not invoked.” Kfar Sava, February 6 – Anthropologists in search of heretofore unknown populations have identified a Jewish thirteen-year-old boy about whom not a single speaker at his …

Spokesmen for Heaven defended the new restrictions as necessary to protect the citizens of the Realm. Eden, February 1 – Demonstrations continued today over the exclusion of Muslims from Paradise, in some cases turning violent. Crowds of excluded Muslims and a much larger contingent of supporters gathered outside the Pearly Gates for the third consecutive …

The “HaK’tav V’HaKabbalah” initiative is expected to improve efficiency at the site. Jerusalem, January 29 – Religious authorities at one of Judaism’s holiest sites will roll out a new feature this week, allowing worshipers to receive online notification when the notes they have placed between the stones of the Western Wall have been read by …

Defense officials declined to comment until they have read the report. Bnei Brak, January 24 – Analysts examining recruitment patterns among those who join the Islamic State have determined that the lack of Ultra-Orthodox Jews in the ranks of the militant organization apparently stems from the community’s avoidance of the internet, where the bulk of …

“It’s just coincidence that Balaam and Jesus were killed at exactly the same age, and a man named Jesus was killed for abusing his spiritual power to perform miracles at around the same time that the more famous Jesus met the same fate.” The Afterlife, January 19 – The man revered by Christians as the …

“Tel Aviv inhabitants are constantly claiming they are far more tolerant than the ‘primitive,’ ‘extremist’ Jews of Jerusalem, so this is the perfect way to welcome the tens of thousands of weekly Al-Aqsa attendees.” Jerusalem, January 15 – President-elect Donald Trump intends to complement the move of the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem …

“Kudos to the gabbai for noticing quickly and doing something about it.” Toronto, January 11 – Pop idol Justin Bieber entered the men’s section of an Orthodox synagogue this weekend and was promptly asked to move to the women’s balcony, PreOccupied Territory has learned. The singer, 22, was in attendance for the Bar Mitzva of …

“I write in Biblical Hebrew, which doesn’t even use vowel markings, let alone periods or commas,” he explained. Mount Horeb, January 4 – The Israelite lawgiver known as Moses announced a shift from the blogging platform WordPress to the use of parchment, ink, and quills after getting fed up with the online utility’s unreliable scoring …

Some Haredim are questioning the reliability of the modern calendar. Boro Park, January 2 – Ultra-Orthodox Jews who live outside the Land of Israel are applying to the recent holiday of Hanukkah a stringency that has long been associated with four other festivals: keeping an extra day because of an ancient uncertainty over the lunar …

“We’re still scratching our heads at it,” admitted the Archangel Michael. Heaven, December 28 – Supernal officials remained in a tizzy this morning, nearly five full days after US President Barack Obama engineered a UN Security Council resolution negating Jewish sovereignty in the nation’s homeland and heartland, amid revelations that the president had somehow uncovered …

“Our community reserves the right to resist this onslaught of heresy by any means,” read the statement. Jerusalem, December 21 – Religious leaders in the Muslim community across Israel warned today that if millions of Israeli Jews kindle their annual Hanukkah lights as planned beginning this Saturday evening, the act would constitute a violation of …

While conditions for Joseph in the prison are less brutal than for most prisoners, his situation remains far worse than the prisoners Ghattas has helped with his smuggling. Memphis Prison Facility, Egypt, December 19 – A Hebrew servant incarcerated for suspected sexual advances toward his master’s wife expressed exasperation today that the Arab-Israeli lawmaker who …

“We don’t need to know where the blood of an animal gets applied to the altar, or which internal organs get burned.” Wilderness of Sinai, December 15 – A coalition of Israelites representing all of the tribes but Levi petitioned Moses today for a condensed edition of the book of Leviticus, saying the arcane and …

It remains unclear to what extent Muhammad’s plea will be followed. Paradise, December 11 – The founder of the religion of Islam issued a plea today to his social network contacts to stop tagging his image in pictures they post online. Muhammad the Prophet and Messenger of Allah posted to his approximately 750 million Facebook …

In further violation of regulations, he proceeded to water the livestock of the shepherdess Rachel, daughter of Laban. Paddan Aram, December 6 – Representatives of the Aram Naharayim Herders’ Association called for sanctions against Jacob today after the latter allegedly violated labor rules by rolling a rock off of a drinking well without enlisting the …

“It’s a total enigma,” remarked Hedda Pmyass, a professor of comparative religion at Columbia University. New York, December 1 – In the wake of yet another Islamist attack this week, religion experts are still scratching heir heads over the possible motive behind the attackers’ invoking the name of Allah and Islam as they try to …

The cable car as currently designed does not account for the disaster that could occur in such an event. Jerusalem, November 27 – Tourism and urban development officials clashed this week over a proposal to construct a cable car connecting the Mount of Olives with the Temple Mount across the Kidron Valley, concerning the possibility …

“So do we put presents under the turkey, or what?” Newport News, Virginia (AP) – The relatively early occurrence of Hanukkah this year has sown perplexity among assimilated American Jews, who have become accustomed to combining or confusing the holiday’s practices with those of Christmas and not Thanksgiving. The first day of Hanukkah comes out …

“‘Paperwork’ fees? Paper won’t be invented for two thousand years. What a racket.” Hebron, November 23 – The patriarch Abraham decided to buy his own burial ground to bury his late wife after encountering exorbitant prices to inter her in an existing cemetery, the widower told reporters today. Sarah passed away this week at the …

If the behavior of the land were any indication of its awareness, one might come to the erroneous conclusion that it favors non-Muslim rule. Jerusalem, November 17 – The strip of land nestled between the Mediterranean Sea and the Jordan River apparently has no knowledge at all that it has the status of “Muslim,” local …

In the end, Jonah was forced to lay out the cost of an entire boat and crew. Jaffa, November 14 – A man of God attempting to avoid fulfillment of a divine mission he was given encountered trouble this morning upon arriving at the port only to discover that the labor unions had shut down …

The mobs of chanting protesters specifically called for Nate Silver, who administers Five-Thirty-Eight, to be handed over to them to be dragged through the streets and hanged in the public square. Washington, November 9 – Left-leaning voters and pundits in the United States and beyond thronged to the offices of various opinion-poll organizations and called …

“The rabbi knew exactly what points of Christian doctrine to attack, as if someone had gone through the Bible for him and marked the passages that undermine the faith.” Barcelona, November 2 – In the aftermath of Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman’s success in his disputation with an apostate Jew before the king of Aragon, ecclesiastical …

“While anyone may still wait six hours, one should do so as a personal stringency, not as an observance of the actual law.” Jerusalem, October 31 – A leading arbiter of Jewish law has determined that the transition to standard time means that Jews who normally wait six hours after eating meat to partake of …

“This should have been done years ago.” Jerusalem, October 27 – An opposition lawmaker known for pursuing female empowerment has promised to continue the fight during the coming winter parliamentary session with a legislative proposal that would require the addition to the Hebrew Bible of multiple strong female personalities, to address what she has deemed …

Israelite leaders accused the organization of bias. Wilderness of Zin, October 20 – In the midst of the Sukkot festival celebrating the divine protection manifest in the Clouds of Glory that surround the Israelites in their journey from servitude in Egypt to sovereignty in the Promised Land, at least one international body has expressed misgivings …

“A day for attaining atonement for one’s offenses could hardly be more egregiously violated than by spending the entire time clothed in stolen styles.” Supernal realms, October 11 – The angelic souls of professors and career scholars of the humanities and social sciences accused Jews today of stealing the idea for how to dress on …

The announcement has thrown many pilgrims’ plans into disarray. Jerusalem, October 6 – This year’s observance of the Day of Atonement at the Holy Temple will take place without children under the age of 14, the Temple Administration has announced, following years of frustration over the crusted mucus globs all over the compound’s walls after …

“He’s been around almost as long as we have.” Supernal Realms, September 28 – Newly-arrived resident of Paradise Shimon Peres got to work immediately today, after it was announced that the longtime public servant would serve as a consultant to the archangels on various strategic issues such as infrastructure, nuclear weapons development, economic reconstruction, and …

Even when it looks like they’re involved in a mundane activity, Jews are doing that activity Talmudically. Jerusalem, September 20 – Members of the Islamic religious council governing affairs at the Temple Mount compound found to their shock and dismay today that not only do Jews who visit the site perform Talmudic rituals, but that …

The situation poses a challenge for Islamic theologians, who remain divided on how to handle the impending violation. Washington, September 19 – Islamic scholars are weighing in on the proper course of action in advance of upcoming US presidential elections, noting that with Barack Obama leaving office in January 2017, it is wrong under Islamic …

“This is a good look for him. The whole melanin-reduction treatment really brings out his eyes.” Florence, September 15 – Jesus Christ voiced satisfaction today that he had undergone procedures to reduce the activity of pigment-producing cells in his skin tissue in time for the Italian Renaissance of the fifteenth century. Associates of the Prince …

“On top of the spire, at that symbolic height from the ground, and dominating everything beneath it, will be the Islamic crescent.” New York, September 11 – A coalition of Islamic groups is calling for the addition of a symbol of their faith to be added to the spire that adorns the Freedom Tower in …

“They even call it the ‘Jerusalem’ Talmud, as if that somehow makes it Jewish.” Jerusalem, September 6 – Advanced Jewish scholars have been studying and claiming as their own an ancient work called the Palestinian Talmud, in what Palestinian activists say is yet another theft by Jews of everything Palestinian. The Palestinian Talmud, compiled in …

“I did a little research on their lifestyle, and we’re moving forward with what I’ve learned.” New York, September 1 – A local gentlemen’s club has erected a barrier to separate female patrons from the males in order to cater to Jewish males who adhere to stricter standards of modesty than most, and eschew mingling …

Community leaders among the ultra-orthodox have been engaged to prevent violence. Jerusalem, August 24 – An application by a group of non-Jews to march through the capital city of the Jewish State in a demonstration of political and cultural defiance has pitted various factions against one another over whether such an even should be permitted …

Moses descended from the mountain and beheld the uncontrolled passion with which the masses were dancing about the idol they had adopted. Horeb, July 10 – The leader of the Israelites returned from atop Mount Sinai this morning to find the people in wild, cultic dance around the Two-State Solution, and brought the orgy to an …

Experts were able to match the samples with an Arab child from Hebron who had disappeared this past February. Jerusalem, August 17 – Researchers at the Hebrew University have determined that spots of blood in chicken eggs come not from the development of the avian embryo, as was commonly thought, but is scattered throughout the world’s billions …

Waqf officials said they expected it to be competed by the spring of 2018, in time for the baseball season. Jerusalem, August 10 – The Islamic religious authority that administers the affairs of a contested sacred compound unveiled plans today for the construction of a baseball stadium on the plateau’s northern end to augment the holiness of …

The session ended with the assembled scholars remaining deadlocked. Jerusalem, August 8 – Consensus continues to elude authorities on Jewish law as to the proper classification of the avocado, and whether the produce should be considered a fruit, requiring certain benedictions before and after eating, or a turd, requiring no such blessings. A Rabbinic Council …

Observers note that while the Washington team apparently prayed with greater fervency, the Rutherford Team outdid them in imagining the positive consequences for their loved ones. Little Rock, AR – Two high school football teams playing against each other have each prayed to the Lord to grant them victory in the game scheduled to start in …

“Our ancestors used the fax, possibly as far back as the time of the Judges.” Hills of Samaria, July 31 – When the New Moon is proclaimed by the Court of Seventy Elders in Jerusalem later this week, agents of the court will ascend mountaintops along the ridge spanning the country from north to south to …

Khamenei declined to offer a reason for his eleventh-hour cancellation. Philadelphia, July 26 – Viewers, attendees, and participants in the first evening of the Democratic National Convention experienced some moments of disorder and unpredictability, but organizers confessed that the smooth functioning of the event was an even closer call than most people realized: Supreme Leader …

Several large Christian congregations sent delegations to the fair to reinforce the myths their communities have always assumed to be true. New York, NY – The Jacob Javits Convention Center was filled to capacity on Sunday as thousands of non-Jews came to attend a four-day conference to deepen their misunderstanding of one of the world’s …

“We can probably rely on him just this once without inquiring whether everything is Badatz.” Oaks of Mamre – The trio of divine messengers tasked with engaging Abraham’s hospitality and informing him he will father a son with his wife Sarah voiced reluctance to partake of the food they expect him to serve, sources close …

“I suppose you can say it Styx in my craw.” The Underworld, July 17 – The Grim Reaper voiced dismay this morning at rhetoric of the militant Islamist group Hamas to the effect that Israel must fear them because they worship death, saying that such talk makes him feel discomfited, to put it mildly. The …

On three separate occasions AutoCorrect successfully thwarted the use of incorrect or harmful words. Plains of Moab, July 13 – Sources within the software development section of the Heavenly realm revealed today that they have been field-testing an app that runs in the background and automatically fixes a person’s speech to reflect what the software’s algorithm …

“Do you think the ninth of Av and the Day of Atonement, which are 25-hour fasts, can count more somehow?” Greenwich, CT, July 6 – A Jewish spiritual authority has weighed in on the physiological effects of the various fast days scattered throughout the Hebrew calendar, and has ruled that observance of any of those …

“The instructions and safety warnings were altered by the Zionists to trick us into thinking these aren’t weapons.” Jerusalem, July 4 – Palestinians attending the prayers at Al Aqsa Mosque today voiced bewilderment at traditional US Independence Day festivities featuring fireworks, noting that none of the American fireworks displays they had seen involved pointing the pyrotechnic devices …

“Anyone ever heard of standing up to evil?” Jerusalem, June 29 – The Hebrew prophet Isaiah voiced exasperation today following the Israel Police’s decision to bar all non-Muslims from the Temple Mount for the remainder of the month of Ramadan in an effort to prevent further unrest, saying that excluding the members of any faith …

A verse in Deuteronomy that bars a man with severed or crushed genitals from marrying serves as the starting point for a string of letters. Jerusalem, June 26 – Scholars exploring the Biblical text for clues to current events have discovered an important message embedded in a passage about crushed testicles, to the effect that …

“Have you ever looked at the list of spices, man?” she asked a reporter. “I mean, really looked?” Wilderness of Sinai, June 21 – A cultivator and purveyor of marijuana leaves aims to have her wares included in the special blend of fragrances to be burned as an offering twice daily in the Tabernacle, Israelite sources report. …

Only with that understanding, say the investigators, can one adequately account for their utter failure to request what is manifestly the finest non-miraculous food in existence. Kivrot HaTaava, June 16 – Analysts reviewing the recent behavior of the Israelites in the wilderness have concluded that he only reason the nation would have asked specifically for …

The pair entered the town by themselves, causing a stir. Bethlehem, Judah, June 7 – The widow of the late tribal leader Elimelech came back to her hometown today after ten years in the land of Moab, marking the final time for about three millennia that a Jew will enter the city without need of …

“There is a violation of modesty, often in public, that occurs when one displays such an image.” Cairo, June 5 – A new religious ruling by one of the Muslim world’s leading clerics makes it a violation of Islamic principles to show the shape of Israel, especially in a map of the region, because the …

“I don’t so much give my congregation moral guidance as I do moral-style guidance.” Snellville, Georgia – In this suburb of Atlanta, Temple Beth David’s Reform Jewish congregation offers a full range of religious-style services, bringing Jewish-style worship to Gwinnett County. Founded in 1981, Beth David adheres to most of the familiar tenet-style teachings of Reform …

“For the eternal life of me, I can’t fathom where the confusion lies, and what else they might have expected.” Paradise, May 31 – Supernal sources are reporting that recent arrivals in the Islamic Martyrs Pavilion in Heaven are expressing bewilderment and disappointment at the delights that they were given as promised for battling the …

“Back in the day, nobody ever used ‘day’ to mean anything other than a twenty-four hour period.” Minneapolis, May 26 – Local computer technician David Borders knows your belief system is untenable because your holy scriptures can only be understood literally, area sources reported today. Borders, 31, has concluded that the only acceptable approach to Biblical …

“It was an understandable mix-up,” said a spokesangel for the supernal realms. Lehi, Dan tribal territory, May 22 – A fearsome Israelite warrior facing a large number of Philistine fighters was unable to tell the difference between a donkey and a journalist with the British Broadcasting Corporation, and as a result almost severed part of …

Hipsters say they were doing it before it became so mainstream. Tel Aviv, May 17 – Avant-garde and trendy populations are voicing disapproval of the Jewish practice among men not to shave or take haircuts for most of the seven-week period that begins with Passover, saying that the custom is an inauthentic appropriation of their …

“Clearly the selection of winners is far from random, which raises all sorts of red flags for a society that claims to be democratic and pluralistic,” said MK Zehava Gal-On. Jerusalem, May 12 – The annual ritual involving the final round of the International Bible Contest took place once again on Israel’s Independence Day, with …

“Verily, am I made of money?” intoned the LORD. Supernal Realms, May 8 – Scientists with an ear to the heavens are reporting that, contrary to various studies showing that climate change is occurring as a result of human industrial by-products, in fact the rise in average temperatures on Earth stems from God’s insistence that His children …

“You won’t find it in the Talmud or medieval Jewish sources either.” London, May 2 – Controversial historian Brane Liss pressed his case that the Holocaust was faked, citing the telling lack of any such event in the canonical Jewish texts of the Bible. Liss, 44, combed through the Old Testament looking for any mention of …

“Make every effort not to void bowels until Friday night, once the holiday has formally concluded.” Jerusalem, April 25 – The Chief Rabbinate of Israel will announce next year in advance of the Passover festival that one should abstain from consuming leavened grain products not only during the festival, following standard Jewish practice, but for up …

Israelite leaders Moses and Aaron have yet to comment on the vampires. Memphis, ancient Egypt, April 19 – Observers of the Plague of Blood wrought against the Egyptian Empire are reporting that among the population affected by the calamity, vampires are apparently weathering it quite well. Witnesses attested that the plague, which has lasted three days …

“I would say the smugness rises to the point that it is only surpassed by that of vegans,” said Dr. Mayim Shelanu. Atlanta, April 12 – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control are predicting that immediately before and during the week-long Passover festival that begins Friday night April 22, people who habitually abstain from the …

The broken piece of unleavened bread is set aside and hidden away to mimic the lifestyle of the pauper, who suffers food insecurity and always saves some for later. Burbank, CA, April 6 – The nine-year-old son of a Catholic mother and Jewish father, hoping for a new toy in case he finds the Afikoman at this year’s Passover Seder, …

“The vast majority of the people must not have realized the clock changed last night.” Marah, The Wilderness, April 1 – Hundreds of thousands of Hebrews woke up late this morning after the switch to daylight saving time and as a result missed the window for daily collection of manna, Hebrew sources are reporting. The switch …

“It’ll be an amazing wall, just the greatest wall you’ve ever seen. Huge,” he added. New York, March 28 – Real estate magnate and Republican Party presidential hopeful Donald Trump promised family and friends today that only certain people would be allowed to attend the circumcision celebration of his newborn Jewish grandson, and that the …

The beginning of the confusion lies in ancient manuscripts called the Dead Pee Scrolls. Rome, March 21 – Upending one of the longest-held assumptions in ecclesiastical scholarship, the Roman Catholic Church announced this morning that it had officially refuted the notion that St. John, who is said to have baptized the baby Jesus, was named …

“This has become especially pronounced in recent years with a surge in violence by sports fans against those who oppose them.” Jerusalem, March 15 – Minister of the Interior Aryeh Deri has created a new category of religious belief to appear on Israelis’ identity cards, one that recognizes that the devotion to, identification with, and …

Jewish leaders have yet to respond to the overture. Tehran, March 9 – In the spirit of what it called religious tolerance for the minorities within its borders, the Islamic Republic of Iran announced today that it would supply the Persian Jewish community at no cost with all the blood it needs to prepare unleavened …

The man insisted that the tip jar was “disgusting,” “rude,” and “an affront.”

“Why should I pay the same percentage as those no-good Levites who do nothing productive all day?” Wilderness of Zin, March 2 – Wealthy Hebrews recently given a set of laws governing their emerging society raised objections today to the commandment that crops, livestock, and other goods be allocated for the poor and priestly classes, …

“Mr. Trump has demonstrated that our elaborate headgear, indicating religious authority, is no match for that… thing on his head.” Rome, February 27 – Officials in the Roman Catholic Church admitted today that Republican Party frontrunner for the presidential nomination evidently shows greater religious conviction and devotion than Pope Francis, Vatican sources are reporting. Holy …

Galilei must withdraw his conclusions and submit to the authority of the infallible Palestinian pope. Ramallah, February 22 – Ecclesiastical officials in the Church of Palestine have placed a ban of excommunication on Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei for strong evidence of his expressing heresy in the form of claiming the world does not revolve around …

He had refrained from mentioning it to any of the other children, lest discussion of the earth-shattering prospect of naughtiness in Sunday school bring the teacher to her senses and cause her to change her mind. Peoria, IL, February 18 – A ten-year-old attending Sunday school confessed he felt let down by the discovery that …

Narcissus uniformly waxes poetic about the frustration and futility of his desire for the man in the image. Thespiae, Boeotia, February 14 – Legendary figure of Greek mythology Narcissus started his own account on one of the world’s leading photo-sharing applications, observers report. Instagram users began noticing the hashtag #Narcissus popping up with greater frequency …

He pronounced that word as if the H were a Y, as is his custom. New York, February 9 – GOP presidential hopeful and real estate mogul Donald Trump voiced excitement today at the upcoming birth of his next grandchild, promising that if his Jewish daughter has a boy, the circumcision will be “huge.” Ivanka, 34, …

The search engine consistently gives better answers than most Rabbis. Jerusalem, February 4 – The Chief Rabbinate of Israel will soon take up the question of whether to confer Rabbinic ordination upon the search engine Google, since it provides information on Jewish law at least as accurately and reliably as any human who has earned that …

“If I have to listen to that brat crow one more time about ambushing me with a Polaroid and depicting my likeness, I’m going to snap.” Heaven, January 31 – The founder of Islam has submitted a grievance to the Almighty alleging that Jesus has been harassing him in the supernal realms by transforming his …

Iran is the world’s largest state sponsor of terrorism. Vatican City, January 27 – Officials in the Roman Catholic Church expressed shock and disgust today upon discovering that despite extensive preparations to make the artwork at the complex physically modest and welcoming to Iran’s president by covering many of the nude statues and paintings, the …

“Next you’ll tell me God wants us to arrange the Song at the Sea as an 80’s glam-rock ballad.” Marah, Sinai Peninsula, January 20 – Aficionados of high-percentage cocoa-solid chocolates expressed disappointment this week after Moses sweetened the lakes here for the benefit of the Israelites, Hebrew representatives reported this afternoon. A group of Hebrews consisting …

Ten destructive plagues led to earlier, separate calls for an inquiry into those events as crimes against humanity. Stockholm, January 18 – Swedish Minister of Foreign Affairs Margot Wallstrom called for an investigation into the Lord and Moses today, saying that the circumstances under which the Egyptian cavalry pursuing the Israelites into the Red Sea …

“Despite nearly three years of research, we have nothing to show for our efforts.” Stockholm, January 13 – Experts in religion are still looking for an act that with confidence can be said to be characteristic of, or attributable to, Islam, academic sources said today. Theologians and researchers at the Royal Academy of Sweden issued …

An as-yet-unidentified chemical or environmental factor evidently makes the same phenomenon in Arab or Muslim societies far less objectionable. Hebron, January 9 – Research by a team of scientists testing the status of capital punishment has determined unequivocally that under most circumstances, the application of the death penalty constitutes an indicator of irredeemable barbarism, unless …

“If I were rich, this wouldn’t be such a groiser problem.” Anatevka, Ukraine, January 4 – Fabled dairy farmer Tevye Milchiger suffered a potential loss of local market share this week when the leading kashrus agency in the region revoked his products’ kosher status, the father of seven told reporters today. The fifty-year-old dairyman told journalists …

“When my master and his cronies brutalize and violate me in unimaginable ways, I know they’re following a proper set of rules.” Raqqa, December 31 – Thousands of women and girls captured and made into sexual slaves by Islamic State fighters breathed a collective sigh of relief this week after self-proclaimed Caliph Abu-Bakr Al-Baghdadi issued …

“Banning weddings would constitute an unwarranted impingement on free expression,” declared a spokeswoman for the Association for Civil Rights in Israel. Jerusalem, December 27 – The week after video surfaced of extremist Jewish youth at a wedding, celebrating the murder of a Palestinian child, officials in Israel’s Chief Rabbinate are considering steps to curtail such …

“Everyone remembers when Turkey almost shot down Prancer and Dancer two years ago,” said aviation consultant Gary Powers. Latakia, Syria, December 22 – A spokesman for Santa Claus informed children in the Eastern Mediterranean region that he will be forced to avoid the area this year because of the Russian surface-to-air missile batteries that have …

Early, peaceful military conquest of a large expanse in a short time cemented Islam’s claim as the religion of peace. Sanaa, Yemen, December 17 – Opposing factions in a regional war continued to engage today in attempts to attain supremacy in a 1,300–year-old conflict regarding which side authentically represents the Religion of Peace. Shiite and Sunni …

Jews practice the ritual burning of olive oil in increasing quantities each night over the course of the eight-day festival each year. Hebron, December 13 – A new report by the Balestinian Academy for Linking Despised Enemies to Reprehensible Deviance And Spiteful Heinousness (BALDERDASH) claims conclusive proof that Jews are always behind the destruction of Palestinian …

“Scholars debate the historicity of the Jewish miracle, but ours is here for everyone to see.” Ramallah, December 6 – Curious and inspired pilgrims are streaming to the Palestinian administrative capital to set eyes on a development appropriate for the Hanukkah season: President Mahmoud Abbas, whose four-year term should have expired in 2009, is still in …

Western elites serve as the ultimate arbiters of what is and is not Islam. Raqqa, December 1 – Leaders of the Islamic State expressed anxiousness as liberal elites in the West failed to reach a consensus over whether the group’s Islamic credentials are legitimate. Self-proclaimed Caliph of ISIS Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi and several of his top …

“Makes me wonder what they’d say if this were a rape case. Was our father dressed provocatively?” Geneva, November 26 – The United Nations Human Rights Council ordered an investigation into the behavior of the patriarch Jacob this afternoon, saying that evidence raises serious questions over his use of what appears to be unnecessary force …

The current inversion of justice surrounding the world’s encounter with Islamic terrorism represents a qualitative deterioration in humanity’s moral capacity. Jerusalem, November 22 – The Almighty is revisiting His commitment not to destroy civilization once again as humanity continues its downward moral spiral, sources close to the Creator reported today. Several ministering angels shared details …

In addition to the physical mechitza, El Al will ensure that only male flight attendants serve the men’s section. Tel Aviv, November 18 – Israel’s national airline announced today that in deference to growing demand from Haredi passengers, certain international flights would soon feature separation of travelers by sex, with a ceiling-high divider running the …

Allah Himself will also make an appearance or two, on which occasions the defendant will comprehend as never before the damage he has done to Creation. Heaven, November 13 – The man known infamously to Westerners as Jihadi John has been sentenced in the heavenly tribunal to an eternity of ever-deepening pain and shame at …

Axl Rose has already taken to referring to himself as Al-Axl Rose for the occasion. Jerusalem, November 8 – Sources in Israel’s Ministry of Religious Services revealed exclusively to PreOccupied Territory that the government plans to transform the iconic Dome of the Rock into a theme restaurant that fuses archaeology, spirituality, and famous pop artists. The new …

Under Taqqiyya, fraudulent claims of Israeli brutality become religiously acceptable, since the goal is a noble one. Cairo, November 4 – Religious scholars at Egypt’s Quds Qollege have discovered that the originators of the use of the Islamic philosophy of Taqqiyya to justify lying for noble purposes may have been falsifying it, a spokesman for …

Several helpful users provided handy diagrams to help the uninitiated distinguish between traditional Haredi garb and various Goth-type fashion trends. Jerusalem, October 30 – Leaders in the Palestinian community urged their followers today to show some religious tolerance by avoiding stabbing ultra-Orthodox Jews on the Sabbath, local sources are reporting. Palestinian social and broadcast media …

The model for this religious accommodation comes from Mecca. Jerusalem, October 26 – Citing the principle of religious freedom, the Jordanian religious institution that governs the internal affairs of the Temple Mount (Haram al-Sharif) facilities announced today that it would open the Mount to visitors from all religious faiths that are not not Islam. Violence …

The halal shortage began late last month, say Heavenly sources, when Chicago Cubs fans began using goats to try to reverse the 108-year-old curse on their favorite baseball club. Paradise, October 21 – Thousands of Muslims who gave their lives for the defense or advancement of Islam are leaving the Heavenly realm in protest over …

The move comes after Palestinian rioters set alight Joseph’s Tomb in Nablus (Shechem) last night, a site claimed as sacred by both Jews and Muslims. Jerusalem, October 16 – Religious leaders at Al Aqsa Mosque are planning to burn down the shrine to prevent Jews from desecrating the site with what Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas …

Given the cartoonish behavior of so many Muslims, there appears to be no function left for a caricaturist to serve. Copenhagen, October 12 – A Scandinavian publication known for its irreverent depictions of the prophet Muhammad dismissed its staff of cartoonists today, noting that the behavior of Muslims, especially in the Middle East, provided enough …

He clarified after his sermon that the pleasures of Paradise will belong to any type of object used in an attempt to kill Jews. Jerusalem, October 7 – A leading Muslim cleric has declared that attacks on Jews involving rocks or other projectiles also guarantee a place in Heaven for the projectiles, not only the …

Washington, October 8 – Aides to US President Barack Obama expressed displeasure today over not being informed of plans to assemble tens of thousands of makeshift residential structures over the last week in Jewish communities in areas both Israel and the Palestinians claim. The huts mostly consist of wood panels, or of metal frames holding …

The practice of not wearing leather shoes on Yom Kippur carries an increased risk of triggering a nearby vegan’s compulsion to mention or discuss his or her diet. Jerusalem, September 22 – When this evening ushers in the most solemn day on the Jewish calendar, while perhaps millions of Jews will begin abstaining from food …

“The only way I can understand this decision is a presidential attempt to snub people who worked to defeat one of his signature initiatives,” said political commentator Darr K. Emory. Washington, September 21 – With the traditional Jewish ritual of Kapparot a day away, President Obama declined to offer his pardon to a chicken that …

Partial demolition of the Kaaba could begin as early as next week. Mecca, September 16 – The mayor of Islam’s holiest city announced plans today to provide rocks to Palestinians on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem by breaking off pieces of the Kaaba building in the city’s most famous mosque so that the Palestinians could …

“There’s the part of the Yom Kippur liturgy in which there’s a confession that talks about things that will get you stoned, but it turns out that means something totally not cool.” Sacramento, September 13 – Marijuana enthusiasts expressed dismay at the arrival of the Jewish High Holidays, saying that in their experience, there is …

However, especially in the case of Jewish graves, a thorough effort must be made to damage, deface, or otherwise vandalize them. Cairo, September 10 – A leading religious authority in the Sunni Muslim world issued a landmark ruling today in which he exempted already-deceased non-Muslims from conversion, reversing centuries of hard-line Islamic thought. Imam Ayam …

Scholars remain divided on the implications, primarily because the dating of the document cannot be pinned down precisely. Birmingham, England, September 1 – Scientists examining the newly discovered Quran segment in a Birmingham library revealed today that the document may be older than Muhammad himself, leading scholars to consider reassessing the early history of Islam. …

“We’re talking a waste of time, money, and energy, at best, and full-blown violence-inducing idolatry at worst.” Jerusalem, August 31 – Tensions increased between Minister of Economic Affairs Arye Deri and the Israeli Football Association today as the Association threatened to shut down all organized leagues in the country if the minister did not grant …

Administrators may not know the true inventory until it has been removed. Eden, August 27 – A divine spokesangel announced a new development plan for the supernal realms today, with the primary change involving the transfer of Heaven to a different, still undetermined, location, to be replaced by an outdoor parking facility. The parking facility became …

Demand for the advertising space has dried up, and the revenue stream is all but gone. Lafayette, LA, August 23 – An attempt to generate much-needed revenue amid shrinking membership rolls at a local synagogue has hit a snag, as advertisers have noticed that the congregation overwhelmingly chooses at the first opportunity to skip the commercials that …

“The main reason for prohibitions against sexual intercourse in a standing position is the danger that it could become mixed dancing.” Jerusalem, August 18 – Israeli religious leaders on the conservative end of the spectrum continued to voice opposition this week to conversions performed outside the official Rabbinate’s auspices, explaining that such a phenomenon might …

Nahagin apparently lies in the third order of the Mishna’s six divisions, which addresses laws governing male-female relationships. Jerusalem, August 13 – Researchers sifting through fragments from the medieval repository of manuscript remnants called the Cairo Geniza have unearthed a previously unknown section of the Talmud that governs behavior in a motor vehicle, including a specific …

The decals are mounted in such a way that under Jewish law they are considered adhering to, but not part of, the ritual ornament. Jerusalem, August 8 – Israel’s Chief Rabbis endorsed a new ruling this morning that allows the use of certain decals on Tefillin, a decision that is expected to help many low-income, religiously observant families …

Bnei Brak and Kiryat Sefer, two cities with an almost completely Haredi population, featured men walking around in Crocs of subdued colors. Jerusalem, August 3 – Sweltering under an unprecedented heat wave hitting the region, Israel’s leading Rabbis took the revolutionary step of suspending modest-attire laws for the duration of the high-temperature period, expected to …

Christ said He hopes His move will lead other divine figures to take similar steps to help inspire humanity to right injustices. Heaven, July 30 – The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ finally weighed in directly on the controversial Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel today, telling reporters that effective immediately He would make it a …

“We will of course take into account eyewitness reports that he has appeared elsewhere in the world, such as on pieces of toast in Arkansas, but the most reliable accounts place him in these parts.” Jerusalem, July 22 – Minister of Religious Services David Azulai, hearing that Evangelical Christians have been inquiring of people whether …

Jeffrey and Coombs have publicly questioned the statistical validity of the Witztum-Rips chocolate chip cookie, and the two factions have been exchanging heated e-mails ever since. Jerusalem, July 20 – Separate groups of academics working to gather more evidence of divine codes hidden in the Biblical text have clashed over differing chocolate chip cookie recipes …

“The nuclear inspection program could be a wonderful opportunity for our underemployed supervisors.” Jerusalem, July 16 – The International Atomic Energy Agency announced today that in keeping with the leniency shown to Iran under the recent Vienna agreement, inspections of Iranian nuclear facilities would be performed by kashrut supervisors from Israel’s Chief Rabbinate, which have …

“These are but the latest features in a Hell much more accepting of persons with disabilities.” River Styx Crossing, July 12 – A new renovation to the Underworld has brought physical improvements that include enhanced compatibility for people who can only get around using a wheelchair, a spokesdemon told reporters today. Beelzebub announced at a …

“We cannot allow the mere shift in phases of the moon to dictate that we diminish our efforts to drive the Jewish ape-pig infidel from the land.” Jerusalem, July 7 – Muslims have responded enthusiastically to calls encouraging them to embrace the month of Ramadan to augment their attacks on the enemies of Islam, leading …

He will be allowed to watch as others are provided their allotment of six dozen virgins. Rafah, Egypt, July 1 – Mustafa Ali Al-Masri, 22, blew himself up in this Egyptian border town today, injuring six paramilitary police, but will not be permitted to enjoy the full extent of Paradise because he neglected to yell, “God is …

“When I encounter that, I’m revved up like a douche.” Houston, June 27 – A survey of music consumers revealed this week that a solid majority believe the name of the monthlong Islamic practice of daytime fasting called Ramadan is mentioned in the 1961 doo-wop hit “Who Put the Bomp.” The song, in which the …

The name “Vail” gives undeserved tribute to a culture that subjugates women, promotes terrorism, and suppresses dissent. Vail, CO, June 17 – A group of semiliterate activists opposed to Islamic practices demonstrated in this Rocky Mountain resort town Wednesday, demanding that the village and its economic anchor, the ski resort, select a name that does …

In many Mideast societies it takes force to unite opposite sects. Jerusalem, June 10 – A survey of Middle East religious communities and their host countries shows that Israel remains the only country in the region that makes it a policy to promote safe sects for all, a new report shows. The report took an intimate …

Jerusalem’s history bears evidence of this repeating pattern, from the initial Islamic conquest in the seventh century CE to the relatively short-lived Jordanian occupation of 1948-1967. Ar-Raqqah, Syria, June 3 – A spokesman for the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant today affirmed his group’s aspiration to reclaim Jerusalem on behalf of all Muslims and, …

Many believe that the institution exists to serve their spiritual needs and sense of community, but that no reciprocal element of that relationship exists. Jerusalem, May 26 – To a man, each person present at Friday night services has convinced himself that others are taking care of the various costs inherent in running the synagogue, …

The photograph in question also included two other female cabinet members, Minister of Culture Miri Regev and Deputy Foreign Minister Tzipi Hotovely, but their hotness has been overshadowed by that of Minister Shaked. Jerusalem, May 17 – An ultra-orthodox daily newspaper was forced to recall all available copies from newsstands Sunday after newsroom staff …

Judaism authority Ali Abunimah says the Rabbis saw fit to warn Israelis not to use it because of their fundamental insecurity about their faith. Jerusalem, May 6 – In advance of the minor festival of Lag BaOmer that begins Wednesday night, Israel’s Chief Rabbinate issued a warning not to use the wood of the gharqad bush …

Aides to the minister said existing licenses would not be recalled and reissued to conform to the guidelines, as such a ruling would be unduly disruptive and unfair to the public. Jerusalem, April 30 – Incoming Minister of Transport Moshe Gafni instructed his aides today to begin preparing for a new ministry policy under which …

Historically, the Muslim rulers of Jerusalem were able to enforce a ban on non-Muslim structures higher than Al Aqsa, but did not always choose to do so. Mecca, April 23 – Islamic authorities expressed outrage today that any structure would be made higher than one of Islam’s holiest sites, and demanded that the government of …

Congregation members would instead be invited to a colloquium with local Muslim leaders to discuss the Palestinian experience of oppression. New York, April 16 – A metropolitan-area synagogue called off its planned ceremony in memory of the Holocaust to avoid giving offense to adherents of Islam, the synagogue’s president told reporters today. The Reconstructionist Congregation Sonei …

He keeps not finding any hint of how to dominate the global economy while keeping a boot on the throat of the goyim. Brooklyn, April 8 – A candidate for rabbinical ordination nearing the end of his course of study has yet to encounter the parts of the curriculum covering the methods and techniques for …

The Council has already appointed Canadian professor William Schabas to head the commission, citing his experience with similar inquiries. Geneva, April 1 – The United Nations Human Rights Council has appointed a commission to collect and analyze evidence that the ten plagues wrought against Egypt violated international law, and may constitute crimes against humanity. Egypt …

In an unrelated incident at Malpensa this morning, security was alerted to a possible suicide bomber when a traveler from Tel Aviv was seen with strings protruding from under his shirt. Milan, Italy, March 26 – Security and customs officials at Malpensa Airport report this morning that a man has been remanded to Interpol custody …

“Frankly, I’m not sure what to make of this,” said Rabbi Grosser Chumra of Bnei Brak. Jerusalem, March 17 – A leader of a prominent faction of Ultra-Orthodox Jews in Israel mistakenly invoked his religious authority in the form of an Islamic ruling today, sowing confusion among his followers and the general public. Rabbi Shmuel …

Generous assessments have the number of missing children at close to 14,000, but the Hamas-run Ministry of Health balks at such inflated numbers and accuses those who promote them of purveying naked propaganda. Jerusalem, March 11 – Israel’s Chief Rabbis issued an alert today that consumers should be prepared to shop for Passover matza earlier this …

As a result of the Zionist homosexuality pathogen, the frequency of homosexuality in the Muslim world has increased four hundredfold in the ensuing eighty years. Cambridge, Massachusetts, March 4 – Researchers at Harvard University Medical School have concluded that homosexuality in its current form was the product of a Zionist effort to undermine the social …

The new rules, called the Graphic Interface Yes-Urging Requirements (GIYUR), are aimed at gauging the sincerity of file conversions and weeding out the potentially dangerous ones. Jerusalem, February 25 – Israel’s Chief Rabbinate instituted new rules today for handling the conversion of files to different formats, establishing that the user must be asked on three …

If the rollout proves successful, a similar policy will be applied to airline passengers who treat flight attendants and fellow travelers with disrespect. Heaven, February 20 – The Lord Almighty confirmed today that He has formally embarked on a policy of no longer paying attention to the needs of people who withhold tips at restaurants …

“We note the worrisome trend of people associating violence by people of the Muslim faith with violence by people of the Muslim faith.” New York, February 15 – Editors at the New York Times are struggling to find a common denominator among shooting incidents that targeted Jewish sites in Europe, wondering whether in fact Europe is …

By evening, a summary and brief commentary by a Bnei Brak Rabbi had appeared, entitled Cover Thy Ass. Heaven, February 14 – The omnipotent Creator announced today that He will issue a modification to a famous statute proscribing perjury, departing from the accepted 2,500-year-old literal interpretation of it and clarifying that the verse only bars getting …

“We suspect the president chose them simply because some of the Crusades were fought against Muslim armies, which, frankly, smacks of discrimination.” Wittenberg, Germany, February 8 – The backlash against US President Barack Obama’s invocation of the Crusades last week intensified today when other religious conflicts expressed displeasure at again being overlooked. The Hussite Wars …

“Unlike humans, who never really mature. Trees have no need for our fickle sensibilities, and our tendency to seize every moment.” Sacher Park, Jerusalem, February 1 – The trees in this wooded patch of the city remain completely unaware that the country around them is preparing to celebrate them on Wednesday, sources within the arboreal …

“Even though this is high art, those philistines in ISIS probably don’t understand the finer points of Islamic culture.” By Tzvi Ben Yaakov Gaza City, January 22 – What has long greeted visiting journalists and dignitaries to the palatial Hamas headquarters in Gaza City was a surprise: an imposing, forty-foot-tall portrait of the prophet Muhammad, riding naked …

Beit Shemesh, January 21 – One of Israel’s small, niche zoos has put itself on the map by becoming the first such establishment in the world to house the legendary Leviathan. The Biblical Museum of Natural History in the Northern Industrial Zone of this town west of Jerusalem specializes in showcasing the creatures mentioned by name …

Washington, January 13 – White House officials on the defensive over President Obama’s apparent absence from Sunday’s rally in Paris were taken aback by the charges that he had neglected to attend or send high-ranking representatives, since he actually was present – but then the officials were unable to rebut the accusations when they discovered …

The Heavens, January 7 – The LORD Almighty and His ministering angels are just tickled pink, as it were, by the hullabaloo surrounding cartoons and films mocking Muhammad, heavenly sources say. “Thus saith the LORD: Thou canst not make this stuff up,” reported the archangel Gabriel, his seraphic cheeks ruddy from peals of hysteria. “For lo, …

Pithom, Ancient Egypt, January 4 – Israelite Opposition head Isaac Herzog criticized what he called his nation’s “intransigent” leadership, and called on his fellow Hebrews to make some concessions in their ongoing conflict with the Egyptian king. To kick off negotiations with Pharaoh on positive terms, this morning Herzog suggested that his people agree to kill at …

Heaven, December 29 – An embarrassed Almighty told reporters today that He had failed to receive the vast majority of people’s petitions over the last several millennia, as the filtering software He had installed ages ago on His incoming messages had diverted almost all of them to the junk mail folder. God called a press …

New York, December 23 – Gyrone, a four-year-old decorative dreidel, has become increasingly frustrated over the years with the ignorance displayed by anyone and everyone he encounters, and their short attention span. “Nobody seems to have any idea what I’m all about, and their misapprehension of my purpose,” he lamented in a recent interview. “People …

Bnei Brak, Israel, December 16 – Israeli ultra-orthodox Jews voiced confusion this week upon seeing vast stretches of foreign cities and towns decorated with tinsel, a material obviously intended for the Sukkah. The holiday of Sukkot ended two months ago, and Jews of all stripes have by this time dismantled their temporary dwellings for the …

Jerusalem, December 10 – Volunteer paramedics serving the ultra-orthodox Jerusalem enclave of Meah Shearim have announced that effective immediately, they will refuse medical treatment to anyone whose attire does not meet the modesty requirements of Jewish law. The local volunteer EMT organization Pikuach Nefesh posted flyers around the neighborhood this morning apprising residents of the …

Tel Aviv, December 3 – The popular internet news site Ynet announced today that in the coming election season it would cap the number of articles bashing religion and religious people at a little more than one per day. Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu dismissed two of his top cabinet members yesterday, making early elections almost …

Bnei Brak, November 27 – Growing stringency in the practice of Jewish law among the ultra-orthodox has a new generation of adherents arranging to undergo circumcision a second – and sometimes third – time after they reach adulthood, observers report. The Torah requires every Jewish male to undergo Brit Milah, or the covenant of circumcision, on …

Jerusalem, November 19 – Palestinian religious authorities softened their stance on Jewish access to the Temple Mount today, declaring that they had removed the restriction on Jewish prayer at the compound for anyone more than 150 years old. The Waqf, or religious council that administers the site, announced the new policy amid Palestinian violence against …

Amman, Jordan, November 13 – A leading Sunni preacher in the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan made waves today by floating the notion that Islam might take a kind view of treating the grave markers of Jews with respect. Hassan Ali Al-Hajez of the capital city’s Ibrahimi Mosque shocked worshipers during his sermon by suggesting the …

An attempt to fulfill the millennia-old dream of ushering in the messianic age by having all Jews observe a single Sabbath was spoiled this Saturday by Morty Hope, a 41-year-old Jew from Anchorage, Alaska, who violated the holy day by lighting a cigarette. The announcement, sure to dispirit many, was made by a “bat kol,” …

Mosul, Iraq, November 2 – Crumbling technological infrastructure in the war-torn Middle East is wreaking havoc with Islamic martyrs’ ability to reach their promised 72 virgins, religious leaders told reporters today. The civil war in Syria, tribal fighting in Iraq, sectarian violence in Lebanon, and several other raging conflicts in the region have seriously disrupted …

Washington, DC, October 26 – Despite numerous episodes in recent decades of Rabbis engaging in dishonest, lecherous, or otherwise immoral behavior, the Orthodox world has still somehow found itself in shock over revelations that a DC-area Rabbi had secretly recorded video of women preparing to immerse in the Mikveh, as if certification in knowledge of …

“…this house of prayer to YHWH our God, made by the King David so that the king use the other house of prayer located…” Jerusalem, October 20 – Excavators working to the south of the Old City have discovered what they believe is the synagogue that the legendary King David built for purposes of not …

Jerusalem, October 13 – After focusing for nearly a thousand years on the ritual inclusion of non-Jewish blood in their Passover unleavened bread, Jews have begun to broaden their use of the special substance in other foodstuffs beyond the strictly ritual realm. Jewish food establishment proprietors report that in recent months they have encountered requests …

Jerusalem, October 2 – A Jerusalem resident intends to launch a cat off the roof of his apartment building this Saturday to commemorate an ancient Jewish atonement rite involving goats. Gidon Levi, 40, will partially reenact the Biblical scapegoat ritual for the Jewish Day of Atonement, which this year begins this Friday evening just before …

Beersheba, the Land of Canaan – Canaanite authorities have placed Abraham under arrest today, alleging that he recklessly endangered the life of his son by almost sacrificing the child to the LORD. Abraham, a father of two residing in the town of Hebron, was taken into custody yesterday afternoon by the Negev Division of the …

Bnei Brak, September 18 – In a bid to harness the youthful energy and accumulated experience of the Ultra-Orthodox population in protesting violations of the Sabbath in their neighborhoods, the Israeli government has launched a program to recruit Haredi men and boys to harass and yell “Schabas!” at the members of the UN Human Rights …

Jerusalem, September 10 – The Christian Savior has had his prophesied return delayed again following disagreement among Israeli, Jordanian, and Palestinian officials over which political entity will handle his travel documents. Jesus Christ, who had foretold his return after coming back to life after being crucified nearly two thousand years ago, attempted to enter Jerusalem …

Seattle, Washington, September 3 – Temple De Hirsch Sinai administrators found themselves in hot water today after members discovered that the synagogue had overbooked its seats for the High Holidays under the assumption that some would fail to attend. Congregational leaders have assailed the policy, calling it exploitative and unsavory. The administration has promised that …

Rome, August 27 – Roman Catholic Church officials are looking to leverage the popularity of the current pope beyond his lifetime, fearful that any successors to Francis will not possess his charisma, warmth, and love for the downtrodden. The College of Cardinals, which would choose the next pope, is considering a proposal to retain Francis …

Jerusalem, August 22 – Israel’s two Chief Rabbis issued a joint ruling today that internet spam, like actual Spam™, is not kosher and must be properly purged before an inbox may be used again. Spam, a pork product produced my the Hormel corporation, is by definition not kosher, as Torah law forbids the consumption of …

Hinnom Valley, Jerusalem, August 17 – The ancient Near-Eastern god most notoriously known for receiving child sacrifice remarked today that he remains unmoved by Palestinian tactics that often result in the death of children, stating that a display of true devotion would be marked by more courageous, direct killing of children, and not murdering them …

Rafah, August 13 – One patriotic and enterprising Gaza printer made a figurative killing last month after coming up with the idea of selling blank books with Quran covers at a steep discount for purposes of posing just so in the bombed-out ruins of mosques hit by Israel during the war. Hamas made heavy use …

Jerusalem, August 7 – Officials at Israel’s Ministry of Religious Services are worried that too many consumers will be able to avoid disturbing issues when purchasing produce during the Sabbatical year, and are working to ensure that several layers of cronyism, politics, and bureaucracy are available to thwart those who try. Shmittah, the Sabbatical year, …

Heaven, August 1 – The supreme power in the universe, Allah, complained today that His brow hurts from all the times he has reacted with dismay and disbelief to the actions of those who claim to be his followers. The One True God let His displeasure be known after Hamas, the Islamist terrorist organization that …

Gaza City, July 25 – In advance of prayer on the most well-attended day of the Muslim week, Friday, Imam Ali Al-Jabri of the Nebi Shufri Mosque in downtown Gaza City faces a dilemma: where to fit the worshipers, whose prayer space is now occupied by several dozen rockets of various types. Hamas and Islamic …

Rome, July 21 – Just two months after a landmark visit to the Holy Land by Pope Francis, Catholics around the world are encouraged by the visit’s lasting impact on efforts to bring peace to the region. Francis visited Israel and the Palestinian territories in May, a trip fraught with political tensions and diplomatic nuance. …

Heaven, July 16 – Supernal sources are reporting that several influential archangels are lobbying the Almighty for another set of riots in the Muslim world ostensibly sparked by Western cartoons offensive to Islam, since the first time around was so entertaining. In September 2010 a Danish newspaper published several cartoons that included images of the …

Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 9 – The leadership of Hamas and Islamic Jihad threatened to “open the gates of Hell” on Israel if the latter continued attacking their fighters launching rockets at Israel, but the chief resident of Hell is not amused, and complains that Hamas is perpetually opening those gates and neglecting to …

Thus saith the LORD: Thou art a moron. I mean, really. How difficult can it be for you to describe what you saw in that vision? It’s not like I was cryptic or anything. “Go forth unto the people and tell them they have strayed, and now face oppression.” It’s as basic a prophecy as …

Seventh Pit of Hell, June 30 – The Prince of Darkness has begun preparations for the eventual arrival in Hell of the two men responsible for the abduction and murder of three Israeli boys two weeks ago, and has set aside a special array of devices and situations to torment them once they die. Amer …

Jerusalem, June 25 – Palestinian religious scholars and military experts alike remain baffled at Israel’s continued failure to mount an actual effort to destroy the Al-Aqsa Mosque, despite years of warnings by Palestinian and Arab leaders that such attempts are imminent. This week marked the 74,554th warning by prominent Muslims that the Jewish State seeks …

Ramallah, June 18 – Arab thinkers and activists alike are pointing to Israeli society’s collective, low-venom reaction to the kidnapping of three teenagers by Hamas as further evidence that the Jews are foreigners in the region and have no legitimate sovereignty there. Israeli media have concentrated on reporting the groups prayers for the return of …

Mecca, Saudi Arabia, June 11 – Leading figures at the madrassas and other repositories of Islamic learning across the Middle East and North Africa have recently begun examining the hypothetical notion of assigning actual worth to individual human existence. Such an approach has been mentioned in passing by Islamic thinkers through the ages, but so …

West Hempstead, NY, June 4 – A synagogue attendee who stayed up all night on the first night of the Shavuot festival cannot keep himself awake at morning services, and believes that his compromised ability to perform a religiously mandatory set of rituals is trumped by the voluntary custom of learning through the night. Gershon …

Jerusalem, May 29 – Leaders of Israel’s Haredi community and of Palestinian protesters announced today that they will organize sessions at which activists from both groups can exchange their collective wisdom on rock-throwing and other methods of expression opposition to Israelis. The Badatz Eida Charedis, the most prominent organization of Israeli Haredim, and local groups …

Jerusalem, May 24 – The Almighty convened a press conference this afternoon to admit that He created celery in a fit of silliness, but found that the way humans treated it as food was so entertaining that only when the joke got old could He bring Himself to reveal it. Initially the family of celery …

Meron, Israel, May 19 – The morning after the annual bonfire festivities in honor of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the revered second-century sage expressed revulsion at the practice of using the bonfire flames to roast, Lord help us, marshmallows. Hundreds of thousands of people gather annually on the night of the thirty-third day of the …

Mecca, Saudi Arabia, May 11 – In this birthplace of Islam, worshipers celebrate the Religion of Peace by coming together as one Umma, or nation, dedicated to submission to God, imposing that submission by the sword if necessary. Of the dozens of armed conflicts taking place around the world, groups self-identifying as adherents of the …

Los Angeles, May 4 – Two of show business’s most venerable personalities announced Saturday that they had adopted the Hebraic religion, sending ripples through the industry as gossip columnists and analysts began speculating how the move would affect the pair, their employer, and movie production as a whole. Waldorf and Statler, whose longtime role as …

Nairobi, Kenya, April 27 – Tired of being invoked by Muslim firebrands as the ancestors of Jews, activists from the simian and porcine communities held a protest, calling on the followers of Muhammad to desist from bringing them into the discussion. About ten thousand pigs and apes gathered in front of the Saudi Arabian embassy …

Brussels, April 20 – In a clear sign of Western civilization’s progress, European countries that made it a ritual to slaughter Jews are outlawing Jewish ritual slaughter. The continent with the bloodiest history when it comes to Jews has evolved into a paragon of concern for the defenseless, as country after country considers or adopts …

Cairo, Egypt – Egyptian Leader Al-Sisi took time today to extend an olive branch of sorts to Jews throughout the world, inviting them to return to his country to assume once again the social status they had there several millennia ago. “We look forward to welcoming back the descendants of the ancient Hebrews to …

Even a single byte is forbidden. Jerusalem, April 9 – Israel’s ranking religious officials issued a reminder to Jews today to make sure they remove all the cookies from their computers by Monday morning, before the Passover prohibition against possessing leavened grain products goes into effect. The Biblical practice of not owning, let alone eating, …

Jerusalem, April 2 – Religious and political leaders are charging discrimination after a prominent authority on Jewish law ruled that Jews must prepare their Passover bread with the blood of only certain groups of non-Jews. Rabbi Pesach Blutbrodt, head of the ultra-orthodox Todtsheygetzer sect of Hasidim, told his followers last week that in their annual …

Gaza Strip, March 30 – A rise in the number and frequency of “honor killings” in this coastal territory has political and religious leaders wondering how many more young women must be killed by their families before the desired level of honor is attained. Over the last three years the number of such killings has …

Sheol, March 24 – The management of the Underworld announced this morning that a continued influx of suicide bombers from various countries in the Middle East has made it necessary to set aside a separate extension of the domain just for them. Beelzebub and Lucifer held a press conference on the banks of the River …

Susa, Persian Empire – Prime Minister Haman Ben Hamedata has been charged with a fine of 50 silver pieces for erecting an unauthorized structure on his property, sources inside the palace reported today. Eyewitnesses told PreOccupied Territory that upon returning from a meeting with King Ahashverosh and Queen Esther this afternoon, the minister held a …

Eden, March 14 – The Lord Almighty has released plans announcing His intention to reduce the number of different holidays associated with intensive drinking, a move that will result this year in the Jewish festival of Purim and the Irish-Catholic holiday of St. Patrick’s Day occurring on overlapping days. St. Patrick’s Day, March 17, celebrates …

Shittim, Transjordan – Disaffection has set in among a group of Israelites in anticipation of entering the Land of Milk and Honey, as the group suffers from metabolic conditions that make their consumption of milk or honey either unpleasant or dangerous. Moses is preparing to send the people of Israel into the Promised Land under …

“I can’t wait to tell my buddies in shul about this one,” said the team leader.

Bnei Brak, Israel, February 21 – Prominent Orthodox and Haredi (“ultra-orthodox”) Rabbis reacted today to what they called a worrisome trend among bakers, and issued an unequivocal ruling against the use of raisins as an ingredient in cookies. They called the phenomenon a violation so serious that it endangers the very fabric of human society, …

Copenhagen, February 17 – As the Danish ban on Jewish ritual slaughter of animals went into effect, Denmark’s Ambassador to Israel dismissed the notion that such a law reflected any antisemitic sentiment, since the rescue of Denmark’s Jews from the Nazis in 1943 means that nothing the Danish government does in 2014 could ever be …

He claims the ticket should therefore be invalidated and any penalties and fines canceled. Cambridge, MA, February 16 – Gordon L. Meriwether, a professor of Semitic languages at Harvard Divinity School, is contesting the origin of a speeding ticket issued to him last Wednesday, claiming that inconsistencies in the document’s format and content make it …

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – Jesus of Nazareth, proclaimed the King Messiah by his followers and a spiritual guide to nearly two billion people, after returning as promised, expressed dismay this week at the nearly absolute non-Jewishness of those who venerate him. “You…you’re all goyim,” he said, using the Hebrew word for “the nations,” referring to …

Mecca, Saudi Arabia, January 31 – The joke remains relevant, but poignantly less so now: you might find Coca-Cola in the holy city of Mecca, but you will no longer find a Chabad shaliach. After three years of keeping the local Chabad house operational, Mordechai and Esther Saperstein are closing up. Despite tireless efforts to …

Jerusalem, January 20 – The eighth-century-BCE Israelite prophet Isaiah has revised his vision for the End of Days in keeping with societal trends and projected developments, downgrading his lofty expectations several notches. In his epic, poetic description of a time without predatory behavior, the seer spoke of wolves peacefully sharing space with their erstwhile ovine …

The Rabbinate’s system, says Ministry spokeswoman Amira L’akum, charged its supervisors with inspecting too many establishments, impairing their ability to adequately supervise any single one. Authorities conducted a raid this morning of the Israeli Rabbinate’s department for supervising and certifying establishments claiming to provide kosher food, and found no indication that the agency had any …

Megiddo, Israel, December 21 (AP) – Following the latest in a long series of abortive global cataclysms, Minister of Apocalypses Mark O’thebiest announced his resignation today, acknowledging ministerial responsibility for the string of non-events. O’thebiest had presided over decades of ministerial activity to oversee cataclysms and the hype surrounding their arrival, including famous false alarms such …

Rome, Italy (AP) – The impending resignation of Pope Benedict XVI in the coming weeks has presented the Roman Catholic Church with an opportunity to reconsider some of its fundamental positions, and the cardinals are already discussing doctrinal shifts that include a gradual elimination of Jesus Christ from the church’s teachings. The figure of Jesus …