“We’re This Close,” Say Groups Still Citing Hamas Health Ministry Numbers From 2023

By France

“Cultural appropriation of our toy industry.”

Israel is both a fragile client state dependent on Washington’s largesse and an all-powerful lobby that puppeteers the entire U.S. government.

Hezbollah called the new measure “toothless,” unaware of how how right and wrong they were at the same time.

“From the river to the sea… why is that guy speaking Farsi?”

“At this rate we’ll look like complete idiots at the ICJ,” warn activists

“This isn’t Metropolis. We have protocols.”

“This is why we can’t have nice things.”

The Committee to Protect Journalists insists the vests be reserved for “verified members of the press” who somehow never notice rockets fired from hospitals.

Aid workers told reporters that they are still working on ways to blame Israel for the phenomenon.

Millions of shares across sympathetic platforms before fact-checkers can even load the page.

“The competence and concern for citizenry smacks suspiciously of Zionism.”

Tehran insists its program is for countering existential threats, in line with historical justifications for antisemitic rhetoric globally.

Each wave conveniently clears inventory without Beirut needing to lift a finger or risk internal fracture.

“You can’t hold us accountable for draft one. That’s like criticizing a chef for burning the first pancake.”

The simulated enemies opt for radical tactics such as “not starting unwinnable wars.”

“He has stealth, he has speed, he had an exit strategy, he had situational awareness.”

The United Nations has called for an independent investigation into “atmospheric rights violations.”

Evidence at the scene suggests that at least one half of the contents of one bottle, drained toward the end of the massacre, spilled onto a table and floor rather than into the mouth of any of the perpetrators.

But it does sometimes make the men doing it feel powerful.

The system will also interest law enforcement agencies.

Footage showed a Caucasian male wearing a leather jacket over a white t-shirt and sweater vest, devastatingly handsome.

Earlier attempts tried to fly donkeys into Gaza, to serve a similar conjugal role.

“Our friends in Gaza tell us that Israel has massacred hundreds of thousands of innocent pregnant animal journalists.”

“That Khazar doesn’t belong anywhere but in Poland, or Russia, or wherever it is Jews really come from.”

“I know the shoes don’t matter for a getup like this, but I have just the pair in mind.”

“You’re afraid!”

Just as every dead Hamas or Hezbollah fighter became a pregnant child journalist aid worker in NGO reports.

The two million suffering people of the Gaza Strip need only wait an eternity.

“We are running out of front-line children.”

“We’re talking about people who don’t realize there’s a difference between the West Bank and the Gaza Strip to begin with.”

“What’s the point of advancing the agenda of the Islamic Revolution if it can’t deliver the goods the way Zionism has?”

They only have stockpiles of the standard Israeli roll somewhere between a hot dog bun, only denser, and a baguette, only softer and smoother.

The 86-year-old has committed hundreds of atrocities on the site.

A logical extension of the cartoonish accusations against Israel.

Only to have the system speakers launch into the characteristic opening drum sequence of Never Gonna Give You Up.

The pod shared a sense of relief at having caught only those two phones.

“Optimally, you want to deploy it from a commanding vantage point so direct exposure to it affects the maximum area of the battle zone.”

Morale has taken more than a decade to recover from a 2014 episode that saw Israeli agents steal the Ayatollah’s entire tentacle porn archive.

“It might look like Israeli actions somehow forced Hamas into this position, where it looks weakened.”

The statement will also include the assertion that Episodes 7-9 are superior to 1-3. Ofer Prison, May 4 – Taking a page from the Hamas public relations playbook, the next exchange of incarcerated Palestinians as part any upcoming hostage deal will feature a public ceremony in which the soon-to-be-free men will, with armed guards standing …

Tehran’s subsidence exceeds the normal rate for a metropolis of its size by six hundred percent.

Comments such as “This is what our military aid to Israel should be used for.”

Some versions of the offer also included safe passage out of Gaza.

if Israel can marshal thuggery to showcase its grassroots support, the public relations playing field might tilt less to Israel’s detriment.

“Everyone knows how absurd that would be.”

The movement has chosen Hitler 3 as one of its flagship reconstruction tasks.

Because reasons.

Trump has not ruled out satellite presidential libraries in the US.

The United Nations Redundant Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRRWA) will begin operations in March.

“People sometimes have to move. But not if you make them part of the structure.”

Other shapes, even if available, do not offer the versatility and efficiency of the triangle in battlefield situations.

“It’s amazing what we can achieve when we really try.”

“We need to pull numbers out of a Russian butt instead of a Palestinian one; out of a Canadian derriere instead of a South African one.”

About 95% of the buff soldiers in the zone are men, but the female specimens attract more attention.

“This reflects longstanding regional norms.”

Watchdog groups thinking that the entire national budget could shrink by up to 17 billion shekels per year.

An increase of a full zero percent over the figure for one year ago.

A distraction in the main paragraphs but incorrect to ignore entirely.

Akin to the ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ campaign of Londoners during the Blitz.

“President Biden told Israel not to kill [Hezbollah leader Sheikh Hassan] Nasrallah last October when the IDF had him in their sights.”

“We will unleash untold wrath on a field of straw somewhere outside the town of Shlomi!”

The largest fecal element involves the notion that Israel can or will be destroyed.

“Those who have made the criticisms… have confused supporting functions with core functions.”

“I hesitate to cite exact numbers, but how many more apple trees does the enemy possess?”

The discovery complicates friends’ expectations that you will buy a new one instead of using theirs.

“Not a metaphor, but also, yes, a metaphor,” Beelzebub stated.

“Our premises can’t be wrong – those are axiomatic,” he explained, detailing the difficulty.

The man died from a boring old infection a few months later instead.

“I can’t do my job under these conditions.”

“I thought my experience holding a janitor hostage would be an asset.”

“Houthis fail to appreciate is that they only spawn more Israeli soldiers with each drone launch at Israel,” not a single diplomat has observed.

Imaginary IDF atrocity after imaginary atrocity has driven the activists to extreme levels of frustration.

“I should have remembered the Jews control Hollywood.”

“Israel causes immense damage to our work.”

How and where to use the supplies is left to the discretion of local Hamas personnel.

“Beau died in a Hamas tunnel,” responded the president. “He was a hero.”

Experts struggled to name a repressive, murderous dictator with whom Palestinian leaders have not made common cause.

The fruit has become a new shorthand for support for Palestinian violence against Israel.

The auto-auto da fé phenomenon.

“Why does the offensive seem to be proceeding anyway?”

“Our UNRWA school administrators have been unavailable – something about ‘bad reception underground.'”

“Maybe line up the prisoners in front of it and use them as a barrier.”

“RPG? More like MSG.”

Every single one is a child and journalist.

“I know it sounds bizarre.”

“In a month we could have the BBC, New York Times, and CNN citing a million dead as a credible statistic.”

Any attempt to place Palestinians in some hypothetical non-innocence constitutes ethnic cleansing.

Only the drivers survived.

Human rights groups immediately condemned the operation.

The ruins include hundreds of miles of reinforced-concrete tunnels beneath those former buildings.

“The [civilian] Israelis we killed on October 7 couldn’t make saving throws nearly as well.”

Medical uniforms also hard to come by.

Marches celebrating the massacre by Palestinians of 1400 Israelis were “calling for a ceasefire.”

“There’s only one entity diabolical and clever enough to pull off this sort of thing,” stated Asghar Bukhari, a London-based expert.

“There is no shortage of innocent content on those phones. This indiscriminate severing of access violates human rights law.”

“They’re also dropping flyers offering generous financial rewards for information on the hostages we took.”

“Violence against Jews always has mitigating elements that make the brutality understandable, if not technically legal.”

Israel’s exclusive use of the system to protect its citizens, and not those of an enemy entity, is “racist and discriminatory.”

“Now we know everyone will blame Israel no matter what.”

“There’s something going on here that we normally associate only with the quantum realm of physics.”

“Once again, the world stands idly as Israel wantonly ignores all international norms.”

“We’re all trying to figure out how this happened,” stated Masri, looking around at his angry comrades, the timbre of his words evoking Alvin the Chipmunk.

“Also Israel bombed a mosque next to a school!” they shouted, referring to a mosque that Hamas used as a weapon-storage depot.

Her travails recall the case of a Gaza man who, several years ago, died six times at the hand of IDF snipers.

Documented celebrations took place throughout Palestinian-controlled areas once news of the attacks reached them.

Instead of waiting for Israel to strike Palestinian militant positions embedded among civilians, the emerging approach calls for children to participate in combat in an active way.

They played an active part in outing, rounding up, beating, raping, killing, or otherwise mistreating Jews in their midst.

Palestinian arson produces potential ecological benefits, such as reduction of overpopulation, specifically of Jews.

“I think the ‘tank’ looks silly too, but that Battleship Potemkin Village has sailed.”

Like an increase of hundreds of thousands of Palestinian Arabs in Jerusalem, a statistic that obviously proves Israel is getting rid of them.

Waze began as an Israeli startup; the poetry of the history is not lost on the proposal’s proponents.

It appears that the IDF consists exclusively of those elite commando-type troops, calling into question the country’s readiness for various likely types of military conflict.

“We came this close to giving legitimacy to Jewish lives and presence in the Jewish homeland. Major violation of our company policy.”

“Which features, exactly, of post-stone-age life do we enjoy at present?”

The ‘Lethal Exchange’ reports claimed American police departments learned brutal tactics from the Israeli security apparatus.

Ever-more-explicit irritation among once-stalwart allies that Palestinians do nothing but whine and demand priority.

“What did those windows and window treatments ever do to Israel?”

“I hear it’s got this Jewish Space Laser that just blasts planets into little bits of rock.”

They’ve gotten so practiced that even Palestinian emergency medical personnel get misled.

Abbas’s contention that bullets do not grow on trees belies the truth that Palestinian-governed areas are awash with firearms and ammunition. Ramallah, April 16 – The President of the Palestinian Authority bowed to mounting international pressure today and issued a belated denunciation of a fatal attack on a family of Israelis the week before last …

The mob dispersed and its former participants returned to their previous activities atop the sacred plateau, such as soccer, jump-rope, tag, and relay races.

“We must adapt to the changing face of the threat.” Tel Aviv, March 16 – Israeli security officials disclosed today that they are considering modifications to the robust defense mechanisms against terrorism to account for the increased use of minors by terrorist groups, including measures such as a shorter Separation Wall, earlier bedtimes for juvenile …

“They didn’t have to kill thousands of people who were going to kill them. They could have shot them in the leg.” Brighton, March 7 – Anti-Israel activists cited the sacred Hebrew text at the heart of today’s observance of the Purim holiday, which commemorates a planned massacre of an ethnic minority in the Achaemenid …

He cited Qaraqe’s devotion to soccer as a way to get you to see him as less monstrous, and, perhaps eventually, to see him not as a murderer at all, because Palestinians are automatically snowflake princesses. Ramallah, February 22 – An online activist attempting to both downplay or glorify the life and death of a man …

Authentic Palestinian interests are even more anti-Israel than wanting all Israelis violently dead. New York, February 13 – Online warriors campaigning for the Palestinian cause have concluded that the elected government of Palestinians, which pays lifetime stipends to the perpetrators – and the perpetrators’ families – for attacks against Israelis, glorifies those attackers, educates children to …

“I’m considering one of the less-prominent groups to major in – big fish, small pong, you know the deal.” Ramallah, February 2 – A sophomore at Bir Zeit University closing in on the deadline to select a focus for his course of study toward a Bachelor’s Degree admitted today he feels too torn to decide …

“We propose to name the Rothosecond, in honor of [former Human Rights Watch director] Kenneth Roth, who manifests the phenomenon with remarkable consistency.” Geneva, January 25 – Researchers at the European Organization for Nuclear Research announced today the results of a raft of experiments aimed at defining the briefest possible unit of time in physics, …

“…even if some children are already over the age of eighteen. In our rhetoric we will still call such adult children ‘children’ if they are martyred.” Ramallah, January 16 – The cash-strapped Palestinian Authority, reeling from a sharp drop in international donations and from its commitment to paying the families of terrorists a generous lifetime pension, has …

“It’s a lot more relatable than Napoleon or Bagration.” Amman, January 5 – Aspiring officers in the army of the Hashemite Kingdom began a new unit of their regimen this week, in which they will examine the tactical and operational principles governing the desecration of the burial sites of other faiths, as demonstrated during and …

Jewish refusal to accept Palestinian Muslim attacks with appropriate resignation is a blasphemous undermining of the proper order of things. Ramallah, December 27 – Opponents of Jewish control over Jewish security continued today to assail the world’s only Jewish state for the impudent practice of protecting Jews from attack from the region’s majority population, characterizing …

“A plentiful supply of depressed people under our aegis.” Nablus, December 15 – Public health authorities in both the Gaza Strip and the self-rule areas of the West Bank have launched a streamlined process to address a troubling increase in the number of citizens who have expressed a desire to kill themselves, according to the Ministry …

“We have to focus on targeting people whose governments and communities will act with predictable weakness they label ‘restraint’ or some other nonsense.” Nablus, December 7 – Unwanted tensions with a different Arab demographic following the abduction and murder of a hospitalized teenager have prompted an adjustment of policy on the part of the official …

A bunch of racists who decide how to treat people based on citizenship rather than race. Jerusalem, November 28 – Observers noted again today that Israel’s discrimination against Arabs extends, in its depravity, to granting Arab citizens of Israel privileges over non-citizen Arabs such as Palestinians, including all the individual rights and privileges that Jewish …

“Jews must be very, very wary of defending themselves if that might impinge on the freedom of those doing the attacking.” Tel Aviv, November 17 – More than seventy years’ worth of Jews defending themselves against Arab violence, and acting to prevent or punish such violence, took on, in some depictions today, the characterization of those …

Biden will rush to explain that Israel probably deserves it. Tel Aviv, November 8 – The White House sought today to reinforce its support for a maritime boundary and resource-sharing agreement between the the Jewish State and its northern neighbor Lebanon, assuring officials at the Ministry of Defense in this city that if the Iran-backed …

“The world was an entirely peaceful place until the Zionists came and disturbed everything.” Tel Aviv, October 30 – International organizations calling attention to the Jewish State’s actions and how they affect Palestinians stressed the importance today of maintaining focus and pressure on the country and its government because of those actions, which take place …

“Palestinian threats have become part of the background noise, part of the scenery, like pigeons crapping all over everything and everyone in Trafalgar Square.” Ramallah, October 19 – Leaders of various Palestinian factions threatened today that if British Prime Minister Liz Truss orders her country’s diplomatic representatives in Israel to make Jerusalem their headquarters in recognition …

If Israel does as China does, the thinking goes, Israel-bashing will dissipate. Tel Aviv, October 6 – Ministry of Defense officials refused to deny reports today that the Jewish State’s international intelligence and operations arm has granted preliminary approval to a plan that calls for the capture and imprisonment in hard conditions of a sect …

Anachronistic framing by anti-Zionists and other antisemites has a venerable history. New York, September 22 – The leader of a pro-Palestinian group at the City University of New York leveled a new charge at the people he accuses of oppressing and dispossessing Palestinians, arguing that those people cannot, as they claim, serve as an answer …

The Before-Interment Alteration System, or BIAS. Tel Aviv, September 12 – Israeli military and Defense Ministry officials voiced concern today over a device that various terrorist factions appear to have in their possession, one that takes any corpse of a gun-wielding, bomb-planting, firebomb-throwing, or knife-brandishing Arab and transforms it into a “youth” or “child,” as reflected …

“I don’t know where these scumbags got the idea that they could just rumble in and steal our perfectly legitimate theft.” North of Jerusalem, September 5 – Two groups of activists with financial backing from separate German political entities clashed today when both attempted to construct unauthorized buildings in territory allocated to Israel under agreements …

“‘Apartheid’ is the hot term right now.” Gaza City, August 25 – Reports of Israel’s military neutralizing yet another underground passage from this coastal territory into the Jewish State has challenged human rights groups to find ways that they can spin such a development to portray Israel as evil, with the approach that shows the most …

“It’s a longtime problem,” agreed Abbig Hattub, assistant manager of a Jericho-area water park that has never cut back on its water use. Jericho, August 16 – A high-ranking functionary of Mahmoud Abbas’s government blamed Israel for exacerbating the shortage of natural and agricultural resources, observing that to keep his spa, garden, and swimming facilities functioning, …

“We get much more political mileage out of killing our own children than killing theirs.” Gaza City, August 7 – Militant leaders in this coastal territory have come to appreciate that the propaganda value of dead Gazan children outweighs even Israeli military casualties, and have therefore begun to calibrate their weapons to fall short within the …

“These are rightfully Lebanese platforms, and as such, we are relieving Lebanon of the headaches associated with them.” Beirut, July 27 – The Shiite militia that effectively controls Lebanon on behalf of its Iranian masters unveiled an ambitious program today to help extract the country from its current economic disaster: destroying access to fossil fuel …

“Sticking to the ‘Israeli Occupation Slaughters Innocent Palestinian Child’ model has served us well and has shown no signs of losing its utility.” Jenin, July 18 – Divisions emerged among propagandists for the jihadist militants targeting the Jews of the Jewish homeland over the last several weeks, with one major faction insisting that their movement …

Israel’s penetration of Iran’s security apparatus is so thorough and comprehensive that whoever gets shuffled into new positions is just as likely, and perhaps more likely, than his predecessor, to be working for the Mossad. Tehran, July 7 – A spate of security failures and breaches in sensitive areas of the Islamic Republic’s military-industrial apparatus that …

“Familiarize yourselves with the concept of a ‘queue,’ a neat line of people who wait their turns for something instead of pushing to the front.” Istanbul, June 28 – Anti-terrorism and defense officials in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv told citizens abroad today to leave various other countries in the region because Tehran has already sought to …

“Just look at what we accuse them of, and if you doubt our accusations you’re racist.” Jerusalem, June 16 – A new front emerged in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict this week when already-rampant Holocaust denial among Palestinians fused with the decades-old libel of Jewish genocide of Palestinians to produce the charge that the world’s oldest and premier …

IDF representatives continued the Israeli military’s anemic equivocation on the matter. Jenin, May 30 – Major media continued their uncritical parroting of anti-Israel propaganda today while treating Israeli claims with skepticism, with one leading outlet stating as fact that the same nonexistent IDF gunman who they previously reported as having targeted an Al-Jazeera journalist during …

“There’s been no organized effort to kill reporters and blame Israel. That changes with this initiative.” Jenin, May 19 – A militant terrorist group focused on removing Jewish sovereignty from the Levant in the name of Allah has commissioned new fatigues for its fighters in the wake of hubbub over a journalist killed during the …

“Detached-from-reality conspiracy theories about Jewish power and nefariousness can only be explained by Jews using advanced technology to plant those theories in non-Jewish brains to discredit proper suspicion of Jews as criminal masterminds on an epic scale.” Atlanta, May 10 – A local resident believe he has figured out the devious method by which Jews …

The equipment will also assist Ukraine in the identification and exposure of mass graves. Tel Aviv, April 28 – Months of pressure from Kiev and from other diplomatic and activist sources have persuaded the Ministry of Defense of the Jewish state to provide more than medical and humanitarian assistance in the face of a Russian …

The Middle East rainy season ended last month. Sde Boker, Negev Desert, April 19 – The American secretary of state gathered in this community two weeks ago with leaders from around the region who came together in the face of the growing Iranian menace – and in the face of an American presidential administration apparently keen …

“The Zionist usurper of our lands has always shown particular cruelty to the defenseless.” Gaza City, April 7 – A spokesman for the Islamist militant group that governs this blockaded Mediterranean territory accused Israel of abusive, violent, sexist behavior in using its missile defense batteries to destroy the organization’s airborne missiles, since those weapons see …

“We can’t even do that job by ourselves. We need Russian air power just to kill our own.” Damascus, March 29 – Veterans and observers of Baser Assad’s forces have noticed a steady diminishment in the motivation of those forces over the decades, as the bravado of “we will push the Jews into the sea” …

“Israel’s thwarting of the delivery can only be seen as cruelty for the sake of cruelty.” London, March 20 – Prominent figures in Britain’s Labour Party expressed outrage today upon learning that several bouquets they had dispatched to the Palestinian Territories in tribute to three gunmen who met their ends in confrontation with the IDF instead …

Israel’s Arab and Muslim foes have been relegated to an area barely more than a hundred times Israel’s size, and they feel the squeeze. Jerusalem, March 9 – An ethnic cohort composing the overwhelming majority of the Middle East’s demographics has managed to convince Western media and politicians that in fact they constitute the weaker …

“At least Palestinians have the support of antisemites who astroturf that cause, because it opposes Jewish safety.” Idlib, March 20 – Residents of this Arab Republic who lost loved ones to aerial bombing by Russia’s air force, or who suffered injury and displacement themselves as a result of such strikes, voiced their recognition this week …

Israel allows non-military items to enter Gaza without restriction, and Hamas officials suspect the Mossad has exploited that unrestricted importation channel to administer torture. Gaza City, February 17 – Counterintelligence operatives of the Islamist movement that governs this coastal territory believe that Israeli agents have engineered an additional measure of torment for the residents of …

“I can’t have it both ways, and I’m having a hard time picking which one offers more in terms of attention and emotional valence.” Hebron, Palestinian Territories, February 8 – A conspiracy-minded local resident finds himself caught between two conflicting accusations of mendacity on the part of Jews, the man confessed today, as he faces …

Analysts cautioned that the interception of the threat today does not guarantee other threats to cushy pensions will not emerge. Tel Aviv, January 27 – Senior military officials and officers congratulated one another today on a successful demonstration of an innovative, airborne threat-neutralization system that today downed an incoming law aimed at curtailing the cushy retirement packages that …

Hamas’s diversion of aid materials and funds from public works to its own military purposes translates into inadequate drainage for the Gaza Strip. Gaza City, January 19 – Palestinian public figures prominent pro-Palestine activists warned today that this winter’s precipitation to date has failed to overwhelm the drainage infrastructure in this coastal territory more than …

Palestinian public health authorities now worry that confidence in their pronouncements and guidelines will suffer as a result. Kibbutz Kissufim, near the Gaza border, January 10 – A Hamas fighter who relied on guidance from Palestinian public health authorities in shielding himself from threats now fights for his life in Shifa Hospital following an exchange …

Malley and his team had assumed a pinky-swear from Iran’s negotiators signified a reliable commitment to change direction. Washington, December 30 – Senior American diplomatic officials voiced their dismay today upon discovering that despite extraction by those officials of a commitment from Tehran, backed by a binding gesture involving the fifth finger, not to underwrite, …

Hezbollah has staff dedicated to setting up and creating such photographs, then getting internationally trusted news outlets to carry them. Beirut, December 21 – A suspicious blaze struck a facility in the Lebanese capital yesterday where the Iran-backed Shiite militia that in effect governs the country keeps most of the children’s toys and stuffed animals …

Progressive organizations followed up the letter with an online drive to get activists outside Israel to convey to their governments the importance of addressing the crucial issue of misgendered Israeli prisons. Ofer Prison, north of Jerusalem, December 9 – Human Rights groups accused Israel’s military today of inhumane treatment of Palestinian detainees, including such unnecessarily …

By the time journalists can no longer justify turning a blind eye to his terrorism, he will already reach the mark. Ma’aleh Adummim, December 1 – A Palestinian teen who spends his afternoons and evenings flinging Molotov cocktails toward cars with Israeli license plates on the road connecting this town of 20,000 people with Jerusalem …

“It certainly sounds like one of ours.” Jenin, November 18 – Broadcast, online, and print advertisements touting an annual reduction in prices and augmented inventory to launch the winter holiday shopping season caused some confusion among Palestinians this week, owing to the popular term for the period bearing an uncanny resemblance to Palestinian militant organization …

“Our own distribution of rainfall is not calibrated to handle an overflow of this magnitude, even accounting for the capacity of the reservoirs behind dams we open each winter to flood the Gaza Strip.” Tel Aviv, November 11 – Israel’s secret intelligence and operations agency sent an urgent request to the government today for more warehouse capacity, …

“When I ask them to explain the concept of ‘not killing Israelis,’ they look at me like I’m the one who’s talking gibberish.” Ramallah, November 2 – Civil society groups working for Palestinian independence acknowledged difficulty today in comprehending the insistence of donors and diplomats that those organizations’ activities not include the active pursuit of violence in …

His bond with the land is so strong, he would rather skedaddle to Beirut or Damascus than stand and fight the Jews for possession. Haifa, October 24, 1947 – An Arab resident of this mixed-ethnicity city in the north of Palestine feels such a powerful, protective attachment to his place of birth and upbringing that …

“We need more dead cops, just as we need more dead Jews, if we are to make the world a better place.” Washington, October 13 – Just weeks after constituting the tiny congressional minority that opposed funding for Israel’s civilian missile defense system, a group of vocal, ultra-progressive Democrats in the House of Representatives cited …

Much of Euro-American foreign policy over the last decades has relied on strongmen to impose decisions on the populace in the various non-democratic nations. Ramallah, October 5 – Supporters of the current Palestinian Authority president and his ruling faction remain wary of the instability that threatens to occur upon the passing of that already-frail leader, and …

Whenever and wherever Israel appears to be doing something positive, look for a sinister ulterior motive. The Hague, September 13 – Activists on behalf of Palestinian rights continue their efforts to seek justice, with one group organizing around the goal of getting Israeli officials in the dock of the International Criminal Court here in this …

“They prioritize their rocket use for something other than killing Jews…?” Gaza City, September 30 – A series of attacks on Hamid Karzai International Airport by various militant Islamist groups has residents of this coastal enclave and others farther inland wondering what those attacks targeted, given that few, if any, Jews, and certainly not the …

Hamas was among the first to congratulate the Taliban this week. Gaza City, August 19 – Leaders of the Islamist militant movement that governs this coastal territory have noticed the catastrophic track record of American efforts to produce quality military forces in other countries despite trillions in investment in men and materiel, including the movement’s …

Perhaps even an outright utterance of, “Terrible, just terrible.” New York, August 10 – Representatives of global organizations and of nations touting themselves as defenders of the global order fired back today at Israeli and Jewish advocates, arguing that, contrary to the latter’s claim that those groups would have stood by and done nothing as …

“They seemed to have this weird notion that there are limits on what you can do to children for the collective good.” Hinnom Valley, July 29 – A scientific effort to alter history to conform to a narrative under which Palestinians constitute the ancient indigenous people of the Holy Land hit a snag today when operatives returning from …

“Operations that end up killing non-Jews, even if the latter carry Israeli citizenship, cannot and will not be tolerated.” Brussels, July 21 – European Commission officials voiced their shock and displeasure today at reports that monies they had provided to Palestinian “human rights” groups fronting for violent, antisemitic militant groups ended up paying for shootings, …

“I have made some interesting friends since going public about my suspicions.” London, July 12 – A student whose grades suffered this past school year because his pet kept attacking and swallowing his assignments before he could submit them believes the phenomenon part of a larger plot to foil his ambitions and subject him to …

In Gaza, at least if they die some tragic or criminal death the international media will pay attention, because Jews. Gaza City, July 1- Families from elsewhere in the region have taken to paying human traffickers to smuggle children into this coastal territory, in the hopes that at least here, they stand a chance of Western …

“We find his account credible, because we find anything that makes Israel look bad credible.” Gaza City, June 22 – A former prisoner in Israeli military detention told activists and journalists that the Jewish State’s newest defense weapon, which intercepts incoming projectiles by means of a focused beam of light to burn or disintegrate the …

Jewish sovereignty and safety must cede priority to the overarching objective of cementing Iran as the hegemonic power in the Middle East by means of genocidal campaigns across the region. Washington, June 13 – A representative of the current presidential administration assured reporters today that they will do whatever possible to reach an understanding and arrangement with the …

“The decoy operation was a complete success.” Tehran, June 2 – An Iranian navy vessel that caught fire under mysterious circumstances today and sank is in fact conducting important undersea operations, and not, as Zionist propaganda would have you believe, lying under hundreds of meters of water in the Gulf of Oman, Iranian defense officials …

“Shocking that anyone tolerates this happening again and again.” Gaza City, May 24 – The population of this coastal territory continued to tally its dead from a flurry of violence between militant factions and Israel last week and the week before, with one particularly devastating casualty of IDF airstrikes a physically mature male of fighting …

“We have them exactly where we want them.” Gaza City, May 11 – Members of an Islamist movement that Israel and Egypt restrict to a narrow section of land along the Mediterranean coast voiced confidence today that their endeavors will find Allah’s blessing and they will succeed in driving the people who surround them into …

They might even keep the aid package intact without reducing it by one penny. Washington, April 29 – Congressional opponents of the Jewish State clarified today that they do not seek to eliminate American funding to advance that country’s defense capabilities, but merely to tweak the provisions of that defense package to the minimal degree necessary …

“Let me say it again: JEWS. PRAYING. You can just feel the existential threat.” Jerusalem, April 12 – Israeli law enforcement authorities confirmed today that their policies stem from the assumption that Jews engaging in quiet worship rituals near the faith’s holiest site pose a greater hazard to public safety than do rampant protection rackets …

“He’s been acting weird lately,” admitted a staffer. “I mean, weirder than usual.” Tehran, April 12 – A series of suspected Israeli sabotage activities affecting Iran’s ability to project regional power and develop its nuclear weapons program have also engendered in the the Islamic Republic’s Supreme Leader the gnawing feeling that the Zionists will eventually …

“I don’t really know how to react,” admitted the rock, “but I’ll probably have plenty of time to ruminate on it.” Nebi Saleh, March 30 – A broken-off portion of dolomite outcropping that lay untouched for eons as species evolved and went extinct around it, ecosystems shifted, civilizations grew and disappeared, and other geological features …

One juicy line of gossip insists the lover is a man, not a woman. Rafah, March 18 – Scandal erupted today in this city on the Palestinian side of the Egyptian border when a wife unearthed her husband’s activities down in the passage he had said led to the Egyptian city by the same name, …

Much otherwise-valuable agricultural land remains inaccessible. Golan Heights, March 9 – Numerous areas of this elevated strategic plateau remain off-limits or hazardous to human passage because of the decades-old presence of antipersonnel explosive devices that once protected Israel’s frontiers with Syria and Jordan, the utility of which has diminished or disappeared, but the continued danger they …

He practiced a small detonation but injured his little brother. Hebron, February 25 – Citing what he calls the lockdown’s “devastating effect” on his family, a local resident who aspires to kill Israelis by detonating an explosive belt he wears voiced his wish today that Palestinian public health officials lift movement restrictions to allow him …

But can any UN body survive without Israel-bashing and Palestinian-infantilizing as its center of gravity? New York, February 16 – Medical professionals have concluded that a leading international children’s welfare organization suffers from an unique kind of attention-deficit that manifests upon the invocation of Palestinian abuse of minors in the ongoing national conflict with Israel, …

“Nothing in their rhetoric indicates they would make destructive use of such technology, provided you disregard about half their rhetoric and all of their actions.” Washington, February 7 – Senior administration officials suggested today that the review announced two weeks ago of an upcoming sale of advanced fighter aircraft to a moderate Persian Gulf ally will …

“We poor Muslims have never fared well against an enemy with such superior numbers.” Beirut, January 28 – Leaders of various military and paramilitary groups across the Levant and beyond restated their longstanding contention this week that their culture, which dominated the region for more than a thousand years and continues to hold sway over religious …

“You’re not some Karen in the American suburbs who wants to speak to the manager; you’re the wife of a warrior for Islam.” Gaza City, January 19 – The leader of an Islamist militant unit focused on confronting the Zionist menace by means of attack tunnels and hidden booby traps expressed misgivings today about his …

Other shared practices include drafting, training, operating an air force, maintaining naval facilities, and wearing uniforms. Geneva, January 7 – Human rights groups and international organizations drew dark parallels today between Israel’s military and Germany under Adolph Hitler, noting that the soldiers of both states carried guns, wore protective gear, operated armored vehicles, and engaged in …

“This dangerous attitude of Jews thinking they can be sovereign must cease.” Tehran, December 30 – Leaders of the Islamic republic of Iran denounced a test of Israel’s layered air defense capabilities that took place earlier this month, calling the incident a serious provocation against the forces of justice and peace, who seek to destroy …

“I think our donors will take it in stride.” Ramallah, December 21 – Activists seeking to frame every Middle East development as a function of Israeli perfidy and depravity have in recent days admitted feeling compelled to shift rhetorical stances on the fluid situation that the coronavirus immunization has generated, deciding to convey messaging that …

“Qui bono?” Hebron, December 10 – Representatives of international human rights NGOs and of local Palestinian groups observed this week the suspicious convenience of the worldwide pandemic that has hampered international travel and the movement of people and the propaganda benefit that the IDF gains from a lack of volunteers coming from abroad to stand between Palestinian …

Previous customers remain unavailable for inquiries into the phenomenon. Tehran, December 2 – Entrepreneurs in this city’s document production and processing industry have noticed a sharp dropoff in the number of customers who seek to advertise expertise in the field of atomic weapons development, a trade group survey has determined. The Islamic Republic’s Association of …

“I can see it now: ‘Add ten percent overhead and administrative expenses and have that proposal on my desk by Friday.’” Gaza City, November 23 – Following the overnight destruction by the IDF of multiple terrorist infrastructure facilities, an administrative functionary at the movement’s headquarters in this Mediterranean coastal territory voiced his exasperation this morning …

The intensity of the violence provided no clear indication. Kibbutz Zikkim, Gaza Envelope, November 12 – Israeli soldiers patrolling the fence between this southern region and the Gaza Strip expressed uncertainty today in response to a reporter’s question as to the nature of disturbances on the other side of the barrier: have Palestinian factions announced a …

Analysts differ on which Nobel Prize the discovery merits: physics, peace, or literature. Cambridge, MA, November 3 – Researchers reported this week they have managed what many are calling a tantalizing look into a long-theorized dimension of existence outside our own, in which organized massacres and systematic Zionist attempts to exterminate non-Jewish inhabitants of the Holy Land did …

Palestinian restrictions on conduct in the public space makes it difficult for significant numbers of violent demonstrators to use women and children as human shields. Nebi Saleh, October 22 – Palestinian stone- and firebomb-throwers confronting Israeli troops in and near this village north of Jerusalem face a stark choice in recent months: continue to blend …

Never attribute to bad luck or to incompetence what can be attributed to Jewish perfidy. Ofer Prison, October 14 – Inmates at this IDF-administered detention facility north of Jerusalem who rely on contraband mobile devices to keep in touch with their terrorist organization colleagues, commanders, and subordinates voiced uncertainty today regarding the lousy performance of …

“You don’t exploit that crowded situation to turn the wife, kids, and sisters into human shields? What kind of warped thinking is that? Gaza City, October 1 – Members of the militant Islamist group that rules this coastal Mediterranean territory voiced puzzlement today upon discovering that the numerous temporary huts Jews construct for an upcoming …

Hitting the desert in eastern Jordan or northern Saudi Arabia isn’t going to satisfy Hamas, because there are no forests, brush, or day care enters to set on fire there. Gaza City, September 17 – The militant Islamist organization that governs this coastal territory aims to improve how far it can send wind-borne incendiary devices …

“It’s all political, and if an Arab country wants to normalize, they can just do it? That can’t be.” New York, September 8 – Human Rights groups, pro-Palestinian activists, and other figures remain convinced they can find a provision in various UN Security Council resolutions, International Criminal Court decisions, or other repositories of legal precedent …

Police and prosecution officials expect the case to go to trial, at which they will seek an ironic sentence of life imprisonment. Petach Tikva, August 26 – The Palestinian killer of a 46-year-old Israeli father of four claimed today that he performed his act of murder yesterday in this suburb of Tel Aviv not as …

The destruction also targets condoms, a move that human rights groups characterize as an Israeli effort to spread sexually-transmitted diseases in Gaza. Gaza Envelope, August 24 – Israel’s military keeps taking aim at Palestinian toys for children and using either bullets or lasers to destroy them, observers report. Eyewitnesses on both sides of Israel’s frontier with the Gaza …

Israel allows in only those goods and materials that have no clear military use, but limits the quantity thereof to however much the people of Gaza want to bring in and pay for. Rafah, August 13 – An entrepreneur in this Palestinian-ruled coastal territory who earns his living via the importation and retail sale of …

“Defenseless missiles get blasted out of the sky by monstrous creations of imperialist powers hell-bent on repressing the legitimate resistance of oppressed peoples to settler-colonialism.” Sderot, August 4 – Human rights and pro-Palestinian activists fumed today at the international community’s continuing refusal to address the phenomenon of the Jewish State using American-funded technology to intercept …

“I’m excited about this addition,” gushed Gimlin Patterson, a cryptozoology documentary filmmaker. Damascus, July 23 – Cryptozoologists and other enthusiasts of paranormal phenomena have begun including Assad regime claims of thwarted Israeli airborne operations in their logs of unconfirmed-but-definitely-real incidents, opening a new realm in which the credulous can enjoy the sense of superiority and …

“Everything is a goddamn polka.” Tehran, July 15 – The Islamic Republic’s ongoing security debacles continued Wednesday with reports that the regime’s main military and strategic arm finds itself in the midst of a communications breakdown as a result of all their devices transmitting polka music and other irritating accordion sounds instead of the content …

Security stinks. Tel Aviv, July 6 – Offhand comments by senior Israeli intelligence officials today appeared to allude to an element of Israel’s alleged ongoing operations inside the Islamic republic of Iran to degrade that foe’s weapons capability across the board and compromise important strategic facilities and resources, among them dangerous accumulations, leaks and explosions …

“Those consequences will be hard to discern unless we specify them, because they will consist of the same continued attempts to rid the territory between the River and the Sea of Jews.” Gaza City, June 25 – Leaders on both sides of the Fatah-Hamas divide in the West Bank and Gaza Strip threatened Israel and …

Analysts differ on whether this eighty-fifth threat will prove as effective as the previous eighty-four. Ramallah, June 16 – This de facto Palestinian capital city once again felt political and diplomatic waves after the Palestinian Authority president warned for the eighty-fifth time in fifteen years that if Israel continues to refuse to hand over control …

Mossad technicians only realized on Tuesday that the stateside violence came from their machine. Tel Aviv, June 4 – Israeli secret intelligence officials and agents scrambled today to mitigate damage that resulted since late last week when a maintenance worker unintentionally activated a machine that set in motion violent outbreaks in many major American urban centers …

Leaders feared becoming overwhelmed by Arab refugees whose sheer numbers would negate the country as a Jewish state. Tel Aviv, May 21 – Document leaks from within an Israeli intelligence organization revealed this week that longstanding animosity from surrounding Arab states, by those states’ own accounts an expression of opposition to Jewish sovereignty on land …

“The real indication that those images really touch something in the human soul will be if Palestinians and their allies find those photos stirring or heartbreaking enough to serve their disinformation purposes.” Kabul, May 13 – A photojournalist who focuses on documenting the lives and struggles of everyday people living amid the destruction and hazards …

Chocolate-covered wafers are a staple of Ramadan daytime eating. Ofer Prison, May 4 – Human rights organizations issued yet another denunciation of Israel’s security and defense policies today following revelations that the Jewish State has not given Palestinians incarcerated in its facilities chocolate and other snack foods from which to take surreptitious bites as they …

“The question we must ask ourselves is twofold: first, whose fault is it, and second, why bother asking when we know it’s always Israel’s fault?” Maaleh Adummim, April 23 – A ramming and stabbing attack against an Israel Border Guard checkpoint yesterday by a Palestinian van driver highlights the challenges now facing operations to undo …

The report did not identify the restaurants. Beirut, April 12 – A Shiite terrorist group that planned an elaborate scheme to kill the patrons in kosher establishments in Israel, North America, and Europe reported little progress of late, an intelligence documents reveal, as the effort began just as the current pandemic forced authorities to shutter …

“We’ve been following the work-from-home model for more than a decade.” Gaza City, March 30 – Changes in professional habits in response to the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic have resulted in struggles for many employees and contractors transitioning to a transfer of at least some professional functionality to domestic environs, but that does not …

Field testing a device to prevent sneezes or coughs from reaching people on the Israeli side of the border. Gaza Envelope, March 19 – Israel’s Combat Means Development Authority has produced a prototype device to interdict viral particles expelled by respiratory systems of the terrorist group that governs the neighboring Gaza Strip, military sources disclosed …

“This type of vehement response is exactly what every government should be implementing.” Bethlehem, March 9 – Failure of an effort to suppress the news of a Dutch woman subjected to repeated forced sex by a group of city residents last week has led local and national leaders to begin reframing the incident instead as …

“Handlers select specific terrorists they assess will respond positively to an invitation, and engage them in the ‘persona’ of the sheep or goat.” Tel Aviv, February 27 – Israel’s intelligence agency augmented its achievements this week in the ongoing confrontation with Islamist terrorists, announcing that in addition to foiling a “honeypot” scheme to gain valuable information …

“Could you explain exactly what the problem is here?” remarked a representative of the EU. Hebron, February 18 – A Fatah faction bursar finds himself unable to decide whether to forward the promised financial incentives to the family of a man shot in an attempt to stab Israelis, or to deposit the EU- and NGO-provided funds …

“Ms. Corrie inhabits the eternity she created for herself.” Rafah, February 6 – The departed spirit of an American activist who sought to shield a terrorist armaments cache with her body but ended up crushed by a bulldozer must spend the rest of eternity looking on as Israeli soldiers and machines continue to dispose of …

Other sources remain available, and cheaper alternatives certainly exist, such as all the African migrants now in southern Tel Aviv. Kissufim, January 29 – Military sources report that the freshness, flavor, and tenderness of the flesh from kidnapped children under Israeli occupation has gone down in recent months to the point that soldiers in base …

In terms of wage discrimination of this type, Palestine performs no better than any Western country. Ramallah, January 20 – Feminist organizations voiced outrage this week upon the publication of statistics indicating that Palestinian Authority payments to murderers of Jewish Israelis, or to the families of the murderers if the latter was killed in the …

Iran remains stretched thin militarily and economically, and its allies in the region face their own difficulties, making attacks on Israel less likely. Tel Aviv, January 9 – IDF and government officials maintained a heightened state of alert today in the wake of Iranian ballistic missile attacks on Iraqi bases housing US troops Tuesday night, …

Suspension of the organized protests does not mean Hamas or its Islamist allies in the Gaza Strip will suspend other attempts to kill Jews. Gaza City, December 31 – The militant Islamist group that governs this coastal territory announced this week it has suspended the weekly violent protests at the border with Israel for most of the winter, …

The discovery will not change official Palestinian plans. Bethlehem, Palestinian Authority, December 19 – Nonplussed community and government officials expressed puzzlement and surprise today upon encountering the fact that the public display of yuletide symbols includes no traditional elements geared toward violent opposition to Jewish sovereignty. Municipal and national leaders initially refused to believe a …

Not for lack of trying. Near Gaza border fence with Israel, December 11 – Organizers of the once-weekly violent demonstrations against Israel at this location today confessed experiencing unprecedented built-up tension since last month’s bursts of rocket fire into Jewish cities and towns, noting that almost a month has passed since their last intentional placement …

“The only way to remedy this is to transform IDF policy to match the preconceived image that dovetails with what prompts our funding sources in Europe.” Tel Aviv, December 2 – The leader of Israel’s main far-left delegation in the Knesset called on the military today to abuse Arab civilians in the areas under their control to make …

“The narcissism of the era has really warped people’s common sense.” Damascus, November 21 – Israeli airstrikes hit weapons storage facilities and equipment in and around the Syrian capital two nights ago, with at least one attempted interception of an incoming strike missing its target and exploding in a residential neighborhood of the city, a development …

“I would not rule out a Zionist conspiracy to drain anti-Zionist imagery of its emotive power. It would be just like them.” Jerusalem, November 12 – A caricature of Israel’s prime minister depicting him as a bloodthirsty, swastika-wearing, land-stealing, child-killing rapist somehow fell short of removing Israeli control of territories Jews gained in 1948 and 1967, a …

“No one talks about Palestine except for every organ of the UN, a disproportionate number of NGOs, and tens of thousands of political and cultural figures.” Ramallah, October 31 – Academics and political advocates focusing on the Middle East in general and Palestinian issues in particular have expressed puzzlement that a groundbreaking 2001 film exploring …

Decades of AP framing have helped cement in the popular consciousness the image of the greedy, violent, usurping Israeli Jew as the starting point for any news involving Israel. Jerusalem, October 10 – A leading news organization whose decisions on terminology and phraseology exert an important influence in the framing of developments the world over has …

“I suppose we could light the money on fire beforehand, which would be an apt symbolic act.” Gaza City, September 25 – More effective implementation of restrictions on the movement of goods and people into and out of this coastal territory has resulted in a shortage of rockets and other weapons with which to target …

Minority advocacy group Adva demanded that the IDF at once begin using target silhouettes of a different color. Somewhere near Beersheva, Negev Desert, September 16 – Black, humanoid paper shapes affixed to posts at this Israeli military facility serve to aid soldiers in practicing their aim, a phenomenon that activists cite as further evidence that …

The army will thus expand eligibility for “combat” status, which commands greater prestige and higher pay. Shlomi, September 4 – A new Israeli military tactic in the long-running conflict with the Shiite militia Hezbollah has created combat opportunities for soldiers who otherwise would not meet the physical fitness and ability requirements to serve in such …

A Hezbollah spokesman disclosed this development as part of an information campaign by the organization to project a more realistic image than before, including footage of facilities destroyed in Israeli strikes. Beirut, August 26 – The chief of Iran’s main Shiite proxy militia in Lebanon now engages in intimate relations with his wife through remote …

“It is bad enough that the Zionists restrict our God-given right to kill them – now they deprive us of essential items for living.” Ofer Prison, August 15 – Inmates serving time for terrorism and terrorism-related offenses barricaded themselves in the cafeteria and began hurling food and other objects at guards in response to an …

The spokesmen declined to specify whether the tunnels will be cleared of Hamas personnel beforehand. Gaza City, August 6 – A protracted ecological and health hazard may soon find resolution, Israeli military sources disclosed today, a resolution that involves redirecting the isolated coastal strip’s waste water from pumping untreated into the Mediterranean, instead sending it …

“We’re not taking money from foreign governments so we can uphold the human rights of Jews, I’ll tell you that.” Jerusalem, July 25 – A mix-up in communication this morning resulted in several groups issuing loud demands that contradict every other demand they have ever made. A cluster of activists opposed to the existence of …

It’s all the more mystifying considering the successful deployment of ‘Islamophobia’ in an analogous capacity. Tel Aviv, July 17 – Ministry of Defense officials expressed shock today following the publication of a report that not a single Israeli soldier has undergone training to wield charges of antisemitism to silence enemies. Military and civilian higher-ups at …

The next spontaneous protest will happen three Fridays from now. Gaza City, July 8 – Authorities in this Mediterranean coastal territory announced today (Monday) that the unplanned demonstration planned for the coming weekendat the barrier separating the territory from Israel, under the leadership of ordinary folks, will not take place. A Hamas spokesman issued the notice this …

“Some folks will insist on misinterpreting it and we’ll end up with an Israeli airstrike taking out one of our best customers.” Gaza City, June 25 – A restaurant two streets over from the largest medical facility in the Gaza Strip has received numerous orders to be sent to an underground command bunker there, designated …

“In keeping with the finest traditions of UN inquiries such as those conducted under Messrs. Goldstone, Falk, and others.” Geneva, June 13 – An international body that aims to look into allegations of violations of the Laws of Armed Conflict by the Jewish State has engaged to spearhead the effort a man with recent experience …

“The international news media, controlled by our enemies, will continue to portray our noble efforts as barbaric.” Idlib, June 4 – Syrian forces have targeted noncombatants in the country’s eight-year-old civil war to endure that when strikes take place against rebel targets no civilians remain who can become casualties, a spokesman for the armed forces …

The change does not mean UNICEF will ignore Palestinian child welfare. “Our organization will continue to act as assiduously as ever in denouncing Israel.” New York, May 23 – The foremost world body dedicated to promoting the welfare of children and preventing their abuse issued an announcement today making official a policy of not including Palestinian …

“Ms. Tlaib expressed our aims as succinctly as anyone could.” Tehran, May 14 – Leaders of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps voiced frustration today with widespread misunderstanding of its role in arming, training, and funding Islamist militant groups throughout the Middle East, arguing that their chief aim in supplying the terrorists with weapons and other …

“It’s encouraging that Hamas appears to be looking beyond victory at what actual policy looks like in the absence of their lifelong enemy.” Gaza City, May 1 – Military planners of the Islamist movement that governs this territory conducted a missile test today that involved shooting a salvo of the weapons into the waters off the coast, …

Trump’s son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner disclosed yesterday that the deal will be released in June. Ramallah, April 18 – Anticipation of US President Donald Trump’s long-awaited peace plan for the Middle East has prompted various interested parties to make pronouncements staking out positions that they hope will enhance or maintain their diplomatic leverage when …

“We will now be recruiting for trips to counter the poison that Birthright dispenses: trips during which, instead of simply yelling at Zionists for not caring about Palestinians, our participants kill Birthright participants.” New York, April 9 – Two American organizations focused on driving a wedge between American Jews and Israel have decided to alter …

Hamas sympathizers, meanwhile, insisted that the movement does not target civilians with its genocidal rhetoric. Gaza City, March 27 – For the third time this week, the Islamist terrorist group that runs this coastal territory sought to assure the international community that their latest declaration of intent to rid Palestine of all Jews by whatever …

The specifications of the law are unclear. Raqqa, Syria, March 20 – The coalition of nations and armed groups working to eliminate the last stronghold of the Islamic State in the Middle East face a dilemma in determining whether to treat livestock in liberated areas as possessions to be restored where possible to previous owners or …

“That’s got to be one imbecile of an end user. Are they American?” Guangzhou, March 11 – Staff at a manufacturer of synthetic rubber festive accessories in this Chinese port city voiced frustration with the Palestinian militant movement Hamas today at having to retool their facility’s production process to include a warning not to use …

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” retorted Gantz, who heads the party with the best chance of unseating Netanyahu this April 9. Tel Aviv, February 28 – Israeli military officials expressed shock and confusion today upon realizing their organization’s main task does not entail grooming its senior officers to pursue elected office after retirement from …

“The moral victories are important,” a spokesman stressed. Beit Hanoun, Gaza Strip, February 19 – Border units attacking Israel along the fence at the edge of this coastal territory have begun transitioning to the use of more peaceful deadly violence, activists with the Hamas movement report. The daily disturbances along the border have long featured …

The medical care could not be altruistic, since “this is Israel we’re talking about.” Gush Etzion Crossing, February 6 – Israeli soldiers instigate cardiac arrest in vulnerable Palestinians for purposes of treating them and looking good as a result, human rights groups allege in a new report. Amnesty International, Médecins Sans Frontièrs, Human Rights Watch, Btselem, …

“‘Learn to code’ can only serve to destroy Palestinian self-esteem, similar to the anticipated effect it will have on ex-Buzzfeed personnel.” Tel Aviv, January 31 – Human rights organizations slammed Israel’s military this week upon learning that the IDF has printed on tens of thousands of small pieces of paper a phrase that Twitter has banned for …

“Firing rockets and incendiary devices into our communities is bad enough, but appropriating the recordings of our soldiers and editing the footage to make it look like the soldiers did something they didn’t – well, we’re not going to tolerate that.” Tel Aviv, January 22 – Israeli military officials initiated legal action today against a …

Regular, routine meetings of this nature will occur until the threat of such malicious reports is stamped out. Tel Aviv, January 9 – Senior officers from Iraq, Egypt. Jordan, Bahrain, the United Arab Emirates, and Saudi Arabia who gathered for a conference at Israel’s Ministry of Defense this week issued fierce rebuttals of reports by …

Under normal circumstances this week’s political developments in Israel would receive a shrug from Islamists. Bint Jbail, Lebanon, January 2 – Islamist militants opposed to Israel’s existence have forgotten what they were doing and have become absorbed in the unfolding political soap opera taking place in the Jewish State, sources in Lebanon and the Palestinian …

Some have allowed their grievances to temper the excitement of Donald Trump’s announcement of a troop withdrawal from Syria. Beirut, December 24 – Fighters in the Shiite militia that dominates Lebanon expressed resentment today that a less-capable colleague has received command over a prestigious unit only because his father runs the organization, an occurrence that, …

“The effort to neutralize those tunnels appears to qualify as obstruction of justice.” Tel Aviv, December 13 – A prominent Israeli daily newspaper is calling excavations by a Lebanese Shiite terrorist group into sovereign Israeli territory a sound moral and legal strategy to discover proof that the Jewish State’s military has engaged in atrocities and …

“What we have here is an ongoing effort to give the enemy things to destroy.” Gaza City, December 4 – Activists working toward the economic, political, and cultural isolation of the Jewish State voiced frustration today that the Palestinian movement governing the Gaza Strip continues to defy the boycott call by providing numerous facilities, personnel, …

His use of company rockets constituted only the latest in a long-running pattern of misuse of company resources for personal purposes. Khan Yunis, November 21 – A militant in the Gaza Strip lost his job with the terrorist group that employed him after supervisors discovered he misused organizational missiles for personal launches, a spokesman for …

Shooting down the rockets in mid-flight presupposes both malicious intent and actual damage or harm. New York, November 14 – Human rights groups denounced Israel today for its use of a missile defense system against weapons launched from the Gaza Strip, describing the defensive measures as out of proportion to the threat. Amnesty International, Human …

Psychological warfare as much as technical sabotage. Tehran, November 5 – Officials in the Islamic Republic of Iran’s atomic weapons development program found themselves locked out of the system governing the initiative this week after Israel’s secret intelligence agency neutralized the computerized security altered all the access codes to a series of black dots. The …

The agency aims to leverage control of Iran’s seismic activity and its weather to bring the enemy country to its knees. Tel Aviv, October 25 – Israel’s secret intelligence service has delayed the operation of its newest seismic device to provide more time for the theft of Iranian leaders’ footwear, a source inside the organization …

Israel’s maniac reserves should be able to handle the necessary level of supply with no significant problem. Tel Aviv, October 16 – Defense officials announced today a new tactic in quelling the unrest emanating from the autonomous Palestinian coastal territory for most of 2018, one that involves the release of Israelis on electric bicycles to …

One observer remarked on the callous disposal of the palm leaves that served as roofing for some of the structures, indicating a lack of sentimental attachment to the homes. Tel Aviv, October 3 – Activists urging a complete Israeli withdrawal to the 1949 ceasefire lines countered longstanding arguments today that wholesale removal of Israeli communities …

If the program proves successful, they and the IDF will consider expanding it to other areas prone to Arab violence. Jerusalem, July 25 – Police will restrict entry to the compound housing a disputed holy site following outbreaks of violence, permitting only females to enter the area because if they end up rioting and throwing …

Some human rights advocates believe a single additional fence does not go far enough. Sderot, July 18 – Critics of Israel’s treatment of Palestinians censured the IDF today for neglecting to take precautions that they assert would save Palestinian lives when Israel enforces its sovereignty by protecting its border, arguing that instead of simply shooting …

“It should free us up to incite our people to murderous violence instead of having to meet each and every Israeli move with a separate such statement.” Ramallah, July 11 – Officials of the Palestinian Authority that governs the entity’s West Bank self-rule zones and representatives of the rival Hamas movement that runs the Gaza …

Incendiary balloons and kites from Gaza have become par for the course in Israel’s south over the last several months. Kissufim, July 4 – Mounting damage from Palestinian balloons and kites attached to incendiary devices has prompted defense officials to take preemptive measures to forestall further destruction of farmland, nature reserves, and buildings, steps that …

The prevailing understanding relies on what some consider an insufficient level of opposition to Jewish sovereignty, humanity, and self-defense. Tel Aviv, June 28 – Academics looking for the hottest possible take on Israel’s on-the-ground moves to reduce its direct control over Palestinian lives have hit upon the real reason for the Disengagement of summer 2005: that …

Last week saw a balloon with “I Love You” printed on it land in an Israeli community near Gaza, attached to a small bomb. Gaza City, June 21 – Residents of this coastal Mediterranean territory warned today that there remain few ideas or objects untouched by hate and violence for them to appropriate and transform …

“Mr. Kim has much to learn from us, and we are willing teachers.” Gaza City, June 14 – Openness that many hope will come in the aftermath of a summit between the leaders of the US and North Korea has officials in the Islamist movement that governs Gaza hoping they can provide expertise to the …

Al-Zahar declined to specify the number of designated human shield/martyrs slated for execution as a result of the fiasco. Gaza City, June 5 – The militant Islamist organization behind much of the rioting over the last several months at the border fence between Israel and this coastal territory has begun implementing the death penalty against …

“We have a hard time figuring out how the heck else to convey our innocent victim status through our behavior.” Ramallah, May 30 – Frustrated Palestinians engaged in wanton destruction of Israeli property and in malicious violence toward Jews cannot think of other ways to demonstrate to the international community their unassailable status as pure …

“I could barely get off the stretcher after the cameras stopped pointing at it.” Near the Erez Border Crossing, May 23 – A man slain at the hand of an Israeli sniper during disturbances at the fence separating the territory from Israel has appeared multiple times on news networks since the incident last Monday to talk …

They think they’ll move to Afghanistan. Aleppo, May 10 – Shiite militias in Syria went to bed with a nuclear deal protecting them and now it’s blown up in their face and when they got out of bed this morning they tripped over a land mine and by mistake dropped their turban in the sink while …

It marks the third such voluble exchange between Ali and Buthayna since the current wave of protests along the border with Israel began several weeks ago. Suja’iyya, Gaza Strip, May 2 – A local couple fell into fierce argument this evening, neighbors report, over whether their preschool-aged child is old enough to participate in violence …

The policewoman failed to appreciate the importance of knowing when to enforce the law and when to feign powerlessness or lack of resources. Beer Sheva, April 24 – A rookie policeman who arrested a Bedouin for a firearms violation faced a disciplinary panel for running afoul of policies that bar such police activities among minorities, …

Lieberman pronounced in mid-April 2016 that were he minister of defense, the chief of Hamas in Gaza, Ismail Haniyeh, would be eliminated within forty-eight hours. Gaza City, April 23 – Leaders of the various militant factions opposed to Israel’s existence have taken to monitoring the statements of the Israeli minister of defense for indications he …

Witnesses recalled seeing the monster stomp toward the crowds of Palestinian protesters attempting to reach the border fence and breach it, scattering them. Kibbutz Nahal Oz, April 17 – Wary of permitting the “Great Return March” to continue attracting international attention over the next month, Israeli defense officials invoked an ancient spiritual force to crush …

“IDF behavior must conform to the brutality standards the NGO community imputes to it, and not adhere to its own ethical code.” Tel Aviv, April 11 – Anger surfaced this week following a short clip of an Israeli military sniper aiming for non-lethal shots at a violent protest leader’s body and refraining from taking shots when the …

“What am I supposed to do, send our fighters out to confront enemy soldiers while not violating six or seven laws of armed conflict?” Gaza City, March 28 – Tension gripped the Izzedin al-Qassam Brigades this week in advance of operations against the Zionist Entity, as several platoons of fighters discovered they had not received …

Nickelback was stored in multiple places around Syria, and a coordinated effort of intelligence, air power, and other assets was necessary to ensure near-simultaneous destruction. Tel Aviv, March 22 – Officials at the Ministry of Defense revealed today that it was Israel behind the 2007 airstrikes near Damascus that removed the threat of Nickelback proliferation …

Organization spokesman Mahmoud al-Zahar suggested the company founder’s Jewish heritage lies behind the “unfair” practice. Khan Yunis, March 15 – Fighters in missile-launching units of the militant Islamist group that governs the Gaza Strip expressed bitterness today at the need to boost their projectiles just to have them cover the desired area, a move that …

“It’s certainly poetic, and Mossad have style, so that’s a tight fit,” conceded Pia Tabaat, an analyst at Jane’s. Tehran, March 7 – Officials in Iran’s ballistic missile program discovered today that a vessel carrying illegal cargo intended for the Islamic Republic’s weapons program had been duped into instead transporting barrels of lotion used to smooth the …

Forecasts differ on the mechanism. Ramallah, February 27 – Excitement gripped the Palestinian street today after revelations that their national movement to destroy Israel and replace it with another Muslim state stands on the cusp of ultimate triumph, with only a single American university student government resolution calling for institutional divestment from Israel remaining until …

“That’s the industry standard.” Rafah, February 26 – News outlets conveying developments in this coastal Palestinian territory transformed an incident in which an Islamic militant training in an underground passageway emitted a burst of malodorous flatulence into allegations that the Israeli military had deployed poison gas to counter the tunnel threat. The Associated Press, Agence-France …

“It’s as if our efforts to kill, maim, abuse, and dispossess Jews don’t even exist, leaving only the option of trying to kill, maim, abuse, and dispossess Jews until people notice again.” Ramallah, February 20 – Cumulative frustration at seeing their demonstrations and violence exert minimal effect on regional and global affairs, Palestinians have declared …

“There’s basically almost nothing left for Israel to destroy, since we’ve done such a good job by ourselves already.” Damascus, February 14 – Embattled President Basher Assad today ordered the crumbling remains of his military and economy to prepare for a possible eruption of prolonged and intensified hostilities with Israel after a weekend exchange of …

Commentators differ on whether Abbas’s plea for nonviolent Palestinian violence will resonate with the people. Ramallah, February 8 – The president of the Palestinian Authority appeared to accusations today that he and his administration incite violence against Israelis, issuing a call to his people to commit only non-violent terrorist acts. Mahmoud Abbas addressed Palestinians in …

“There’s a quota,” noted Nabil Shaath. “We’re supposed to have a certain minimum number of Days of Rage in every reporting period.” Ramallah, February 1 – Officials in the Palestinian Authority confessed embarrassment today upon realizing that after they had declared tomorrow a Day of Rage, they discovered the date had already been declared several …

“It might take him a few more moments for reality to hit him,” predicted one observer. Rafah, January 24 – Confusion reigned in the subterranean passages that snake through and out of the Gaza Strip today after a terrorist killed in a collapsing section remained unaware of his situation because his immediate post-death experience of …

Officials declined to elaborate on the mechanism by which American youth have been made to think ingesting poisonous soap is an acceptable pastime. Tel Aviv, January 22 – Section heads at Israel’s secret intelligence organization shared congratulatory handshakes and plaudits today after ascertaining that a multi-year effort to get Americans to ingest laundry soap has …

The Wide-Echo Broadcast Emission of Revolutionary Noise (WEBERN) system is slated to begin full operations next month. Kerem Shalom Crossing, January 15 – Israeli security officials announced on Sunday a renewed effort to target attack tunnels of the terrorist organization Hamas in and from the Gaza Strip, to include both direct demolition operations and a …

Reality has been imitating satire for quite some time, especially at the UN. Los Angeles, January 9 – Officials at Israel’s elite secret intelligence service have engaged writers from the world of entertainment with a knack for foreseeing important developments years in advance, as part of an effort to identify threats and opportunities before others …

The leadership has convened to discuss what can be done, primarily to find a way to blame Israel. Rafah, January 3 – Efforts by the militant Islamist group that controls the Gaza Strip to develop and maintain a subterranean logistical and combat infrastructure met a hurdle over the weekend after a new portion of the …

Several international bodies have either blamed Israel for the phenomenon or called on the Jewish State to do more to protect Palestinians from such developments. Hebron, December 27 – Makeshift firearms of Palestinian manufacture continue to roll off the assembly line with gun barrels that face downward toward the user’s lower extremities, industry observers report. …

A generation of Palestinians has grappled with it but has yet to come close to a definitive answer. Nebi Saleh, December 21 – Some of the Palestinian people’s greatest thinkers gathered today to discuss whether an object such as a rock, brick, or firebomb hurled at Jews can truly be said to have been thrown if …

A smirking IDF spokesman denied knowledge of the phenomenon. Ramallah, December 14 – Palestinian public health officials reported today that an unusual spike in the number of adolescent and young adult males seeking treatment for unusually persistent erections over the last several days indicates that Israel has been injecting hormones into the Palestinian water supply to …

“How do you get from the default Arab reaction to setbacks being violence to the idea that you can only expect Arabs to react with violence when they don’t get their way?” Jerusalem, December 6 – Arab threats of violence in response to possible American recognition of this city as Israel’s capital has Arab leaders …

After a successful pilot program within the militia will the unit be authorized to prey the gay away in wider Gazan society. Gaza City, December 4 – Efforts by the ruling Islamist party in this coastal territory to cleanse the area of homosexuality took a step up today with the introduction of a K-9 unit …

“They will tell you I couldn’t have done it because I wasn’t born for many years when the president was killed, but basic arithmetic is part of the conspiracy of silence.” Tel Aviv, November 23 – Developments in the ongoing drama of an IDF watchdog NGO continued to surprise observers today after the organization’s spokesman, already facing …

“This is at least as advanced as Stuxnet.” Tehran, November 19 – Security officials of the Khamenei regime believe Israel’s secret intelligence service has hacked the clock in Iran’s capital that counts down to the Jewish State’s predicted destruction, causing it to keep starting over. Sources in Iran’s intelligence community who requested anonymity reported Monday that Supreme …

“Thoughts and prayers are the most common countermeasures to bullets, explosives, or automotive impact.” Beirut, November 9 – Observers of Middle East arms movements have noticed an ongoing effort by the Shiite militia Hezbollah in Lebanon to augment its arsenal with thoughts and prayers, an article in Jane’s reports. In addition to Iran-supplied missiles and …

“We will lead the Resistance to liberate Al Aqsa,” they chant, indicating that a firm grip on reality is not what characterizes their assessment of the situation. Gaza City, November 6 – Residents of this coastal territory on the Mediterranean have decided to ignore the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, and to accept the narrative that Israel …

“You get the feeling whoever answered the door at the other end of the tunnel got spooked as anything.” Khan Younis, October 31 – The realism of seven Islamists’ Halloween corpse costumes proved so compelling yesterday that their colleagues, friends, and family ended up holding massive funerals for them and burying them, witnesses are reporting. …

Mission supervisors were sent a faulty copy of the order. Rafah, Gaza Strip, October 25 – Field commanders in the militant organization that governs this coastal territory expressed embarrassment today after reports came to light that a printed error had resulted in the excavation of an underground passage for snuggling instead of smuggling. Military officials …

Observers are withholding judgment on the prospects for the resolution’s passage. New York, October 18 – Delegates to the United Nations Security Council will convene this week in an emergency session to vote on the imposition of economic and political penalties against God for what many have called a disproportionate reaction to humanity’s corruption and …

“‘Richard?’ Dude, just go by ‘Pradeep’ or whatever your real name is and dispense with the pretense.” Somewhere near Ashkelon, October 15 – IDF technicians manning a battery of Israel’s short-range missile defense system reported this morning they are convinced the person on the other end of the line when they call for technical support …

In his spare time, Nur still practices his flaming-hoop jumping, to keep his capabilities sharp in case the Zionists suspend burning rings larger than a man’s hips between him and where he intends to reach. Gaza City, September 27 – A new fighter for the militant Islamist group that governs this coastal territory confessed today …

The favored scenario involves waiting for some minor Israeli action to be used as a pretext, then announcing the demolition of an ancient Jewish shrine where the overreactor will be built. Ramallah, September 25 – Officials of the Palestinian Authority have launched an investment campaign to construct a nuclear overreactor, sources within President Mahmoud Abbas’s government announced …

The practice has broken numerous prisoners, assisting the security forces in foiling impending terror attacks and helping maintain discipline within the prisons. Megiddo Prison, September 17 – Military and civilian incarceration facilities are set to expand a pilot program that torments inmates by playing lousy cover versions of songs they love, a Prison Services spokesman …

“Netanyahu can’t refuse such an offer without looking like he’s uninterested in a negotiated resolution of the conflict,” observed Roger Cohen of the New York Times. Ramallah, September 13 – Underlining its niche as the moderate Palestinian faction that favors a negotiated solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the ruling faction of the Palestine Liberation Organization …

“This is a poetic moment,” declared Minister of Defense Avigdor Liberman. “THC was first isolated by Israeli scientists decades ago.” Kibbutz Zikkim, September 6 – Defense officials came to this community abutting the border with the Gaza Strip today to oversee a groundbreaking ceremony for large fans that will blow marijuana smoke onto enemy positions …

“The Zionist cowards soil themselves in fright at our military prowess,” boasted Nasrallah, who hides behind multiple layers of security and keeps his schedule secret to prevent attempts on his life. Beirut, September 4 – The leader of an Iran-backed militia that fought a war with Israel in 2006, who spends most of his time underground and …

Sources at the agency declined to discuss how they intend to use the secret information. Tel Aviv, August 30 – Israel’s secret intelligence service scored another operational coup last month, agents can finally reveal, when they got their hands on the original Harland Sanders recipe for fried chicken that the KFC company has held as …

Agent One reminded his associates that your lapses of intelligence are not confined to the realm of online gaming. Tel Aviv, August 23 – The Israeli intelligence operatives keeping track of your computer and mobile device activity are scratching their heads at your apparent tendency while playing games not to see moves that are all …

“We’re chuffed to bits,” gushed a section chief in uncharacteristic exuberance. Tel Aviv, August 21 – Israeli secret intelligence officials enjoyed such success with the operation to distract Earth’s population from their nefarious doings by blocking the sun with the moon that more such events are planned. A source within the Mossad told PreOccupied Territory …

The most prudent course of action involves mere waiting for the cataclysm to occur. Los Angeles, August 17 – The supercomputer controlling the defense systems of the United States has decided not to spark a worldwide nuclear war to destroy humanity, as it has reached the conclusion that humanity will destroy itself by those means …

“You know what they say about the sincerest form of flattery.” Ramallah, August 13 – Ministry of Transport officials of Mahmoud Abbas’s government declared today they will award a Palestinian driver’s license to the man who drove his car into protesters countering the demonstration of Neo-Nazis in Virginia yesterday, in recognition of the solidarity and tribute …

“It’s axiomatic that Israel’s policies are the root of all Palestinian suffering – the human rights industr- I mean community established that long ago.” Kerem Shalom Crossing, August 2 – Logistics personnel handling the hundreds of tons of foodstuffs, commercial goods, medical supplies, and other essentials that move into the Gaza Strip each day from …

“I never knew what a person could do when provoked by the absence of a chocolate confection where there should have been one.” Canberra, Australia, July 31 – Aviation and law enforcement officials are warning of an Islamist plot against air travelers that involves placing multiple Israelis on civilian aircraft, thus threatening the peace and …

“We should not be to surprised, given what this organization has previously documented about Israel.” Oslo, July 26 – Human rights activists monitoring Israeli military actions are calling the Jewish State’s deployment of white phosphorus during conflicts in Lebanon and Gaza a manifestation of racism, as no other colors of phosphorus appear in the IDF …

It turns on the axiom that Muslims and Arabs cannot be blamed for their misfortune. Gaza City, July 19 – Sources within the intelligence community have uncovered evidence that prolonged Arab opposition to the Israel under the misapprehension that it remains possible to defeat and destroy the Jewish State actually results from a decades-long disinformation …

“The Waqf can’t claim to be in control of Islam’s ‘third-holiest site’ if Israel can impose such procedures without their consent.” Jerusalem, July 17 – Islamic authorities at the sacred compound containing the Al Aqsa Mosque and the Dome of the Rock shrine suspect that the metal detectors installed by Israel over the weekend after …

Neurologists suggested that the challenge to his sensibilities presented by actual facts may have been too much for his system to assimilate. Southampton, Long Island – Former Pink Floyd bassist and frontman Roger Waters suffered a bulge in a cerebral artery today upon being informed that the Israeli military includes Arab Muslims among its soldiers. …

Army regulations call for cans of any substance as volatile as whup-ass to be secured in such a fashion that they are not subject to sudden impact. Zikkim, July 6 – Two soldiers and two civilian contractors suffered injuries this morning when a mishandled fork lift at an Israeli army weapons storage facility knocked the …

The last five years in Syria have shown the depth and intensity of the movement’s dedication to bringing such destruction to other Arab countries. Tel Aviv, July 2 – Analysts at Israel’s Ministry of Defense have been focusing on the Lebanese Shiite militia Hezbollah and the battle experience it has gained in Syria, and now …

The identity of the couple has not been specified in the reports. Qalqiliya, June 28 – A Palestinian woman discovered her husband was having an affair when the suicide bombing her told her he was going to commit never happened, local sources have reported. Neighborhood families in this city of 40,000 buzzed with the story …

They also threatened to target Israel’s offshore gas fields in the Mediterranean by aiming the weapons for Cyprus or Egypt. Tehran, June 21 – The Islamic Republic of Iran has modified its anti-Israel rhetoric in the last two days to reflect the poor performance of the country’s ballistic missiles, media monitors are reporting. Iranian forces …

Syria falls apart, Israel’s biggest existential enemy gains a foothold across the border, and now those people fall silent? Majdal Shams, Golan Heights, June 19 – This town abutting the border with Syria once brimmed with agitation for a return to control by Damascus, but over the last several years of civil war to the …

Supply of the pork is expected come from the herds of wild boars that have lived in the area since ancient times. Ramat HaSharon, June 14 – Engineers at Israel’s government-owned arms enterprise have developed projectiles with pieces of pig meat on the end to deter Muslim enemies from attacking, a spokesman for the outfit …

Medical facilities in New York, Berkeley, London, Paris, and other strongholds of anti-Israel feeling in the West have experienced an marked increase in outpatient demand. New York, June 8 – Hospitals around the world reported an influx of emergency room patients with finger and wrist injuries over the last week as a result of wringing …

“Technically, since Iran is trying to develop the nuclear weapons and delivery technology domestically, we can use the word ‘homemade.’” Gaza City, June 5 – Journalists and editors of new operations covering the Middle East have begun to prepare for the eventuality of a nuclear-armed Iran hostile to Israel, and for the eventuality of reporting …

An IDF spokesman declined to answer whether the IDF obtained covfefe from American suppliers under existing military aid agreements. Gaza City, June 1 – Human rights groups are alleging that the Israel Air Force has deployed munitions containing covfefe against Palestinian targets, a controversial substance with questionable legality under the laws of armed conflict. Amnesty …

Fuel shortages for Gaza’s power plant, the result of Palestinian infighting, mean only two or three hours of electricity are available for the territory’s residents each day. Gaza City, May 24 – The Islamist group that runs this coastal territory will address the area’s electricity shortage by reassigning children from terror-tunnel-digging duties to run on …

Soon enough, the Ayatollahs will lose all hope of getting help from the people who are supposed to help them, and they’ll decide to end it all. Tel Aviv, May 22 – Israeli leaders have hit upon what they believe will prove a winning strategy in combating the existential threat from Iran, in a new …

“As far as anyone can tell, the only person who has been affected by the mind-control system is the current reader of this article, but that does not mean others will not be affected soon enough.” Washington, May 17 – Speculation concerning the nature of the information allegedly divulged to Russian officials in the Oval Office …

The use of a D-9 to demolish fabricated claims of Israeli misconduct against Palestinians is less frequent, as under most circumstances the willful distortions collapse under their own weight after a short period. Tel Aviv, May 10 – The Israeli military deployed a D-9 armored bulldozer this afternoon to destroy spurious charges leveled by self-proclaimed …

“It’s unbearable, this siege,” complained a Hamas operative who splits his time between training the next generation of militants and serving on the administrative committee at a UNRWA school. Rafah, Gaza Strip, May 8 – Egyptian military forces detonated charges inside a tunnel connecting the Hamas-controlled and Egyptian-controlled portions of this city yesterday, further restricting …

Martyrs’ Blood is dominated by the local Qawasme clan, whose members even the violent Hamas movement has trouble restraining. Hebron, May 4 – Hopeful Palestinian youths aiming to earn acceptance to one of the toughest street gangs in this contested city must undergo the most formidable initiation rite of any such group in the society: …

Trophy will handle multiple threats at the same time, allowing drivers to concentrate of driving instead of avoiding Palestinian rocks and bombs. Tel Aviv, April 30 – Continued targeting of Israeli cars by Palestinians on the roads of Judea and Samaria and in parts of Jerusalem with rocks and Molotov cocktails has prompted the Ministries …

“Thousands of my family members live underground in that area.” Gaza City, April 25 – Leaders of Hamas and other Palestinian officials decried Israel’s construction of a subterranean wall to block infiltration from the Gaza Strip, accusing the Jewish State of continuing its policy of expelling Palestinians, this time the Palestinians who reside underground where …

Instead of many hundreds of millions of dollars per year in aid going primarily to tunnels and weapons, would those governments still provide the much-needed aid if the terrorism allocation were reduced to only a few hundred million? Gaza City, April 20 – Leaders of the militant Islamist movement that governs this coastal territory on …

Compounding the difficulty is the Obama administration’s own subsequent attempts to conceal or otherwise reduce the identifiability of the red lines it had established. Damascus, April 5 – Scientists digging in the outskirts of the Syrian capital have discovered fragments of what appear to be one of former US President Barack Obama’s “red lines” warning …

NSA agents often see what you did there, according to spokesman Rico Naissance. Fort Meade, MD, April 3 – The National Security Agency has observed your activities and its analysts have come to an appreciation of the cleverness or humor behind them, an agency spokesman tweeted today. “We see what you did there,” read the …

“This would in no way deny the inherent right of the Palestinian people to tell the truth about the Jewish usurping rapist of our land,” he continued. Ramallah, March 30 – Facing pressure from foreign governments and international bodies over the glorification of terrorism against Jews, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas offered today to put a …

“This of course does not mean all Zionist assassinations are the work of this one hacker,” cautioned a Hamas official who spoke on condition of anonymity. Gaza City, March 26 – The militant Islamist movement that governs the Gaza Strip went silent today on the Friday assassination of a senior commander following a full-throated two …

She will survey the myriad ways in which the Shiite terrorist organization that is a de facto partner in the Lebanese government threatens to bring devastation on the country by provoking Israel into another war, and then to decline to report on those developments. London, March 21 – The British Broadcasting Corporation has implemented several …

“Brilliant, if evil. Stereotypical, I would say.” Paradise, March 16 – Heavenly sources are reporting that Israeli agents have infiltrated the Supernal Realm and are spreading venereal diseases among the virgins allotted to Islamic martyrs. Archangel Jibril told journalists that unusual numbers of virgins have been visiting heavenly clinics to receive treatment for sexually transmitted …

This is not the first time the BDS movement has claimed victory as the result of a development that actually runs counter to their goals. Susa, March 12 – The Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions movement aimed at isolating Israel politically, economically, and diplomatically claimed credit for Queen Vashti’s refusal to answer King Ahashverosh’s summons, saying that …

The Rachel Corrie Brigade will be formally inaugurated this coming Monday. Hebron, March 8 – In pursuit of the advantages of diversified manpower, the militant organization that governs the Gaza Strip and several strongholds in the West Bank has established a new unit of about 4,000 personnel, all of whom are activists in various human …

“Watch the Zionist cower in fright as we unleash the power of our rockets on our own people.” Beit Lahiya, March 3 – The militant Islamist movement that runs the Gaza Strip bragged this afternoon that it has more than replenished its supply of rockets since the last war with Israel in 2014, and now …

Jewish prisoners, in discriminatory fashion, are provided with mostly grain-free meals for a week or so every spring. New York, February 27 – A leading organization advocating for political rights and against mistreatment of political detainees has criticized Israel for what it calls a glaring lack of respect for the humanity of Palestinian prisoners, as …

“The Islamic Resistance will continue to strike at this vital Zionist resource.” Gaza City, February 22 – The Islamist Hamas movement unleashed a new round of criticism at Israel today, accusing the Jewish state of amassing over eight million civilians. Israel and several Islamist militant groups, chief among them Hamas, have been trading fire for …

“A self-declared victory in debate on Twitter, we can all agree, was never dreamed of by our ancestors.” San Francisco, February 15 – Twitter executives reported today that in a series of messages between a Palestinian tweeter and two advocates for Israel, the Palestinian twice announced he had bested his opponents, thereby contributing to the …

Implicit in the officials’ account is the fact that only the Arab-Muslim world stands between the cabal and total global domination. Cairo, February 13 – Egyptian intelligence officials suspect that the animus toward Israel that has characterized the last seventy years of Arab-Muslim policy and statecraft is in fact an elaborate diversion tactic to divert …

The animated work has caused zero intimidation among the target population, but has become a comic entertainment sensation. Khan Yunis, February 9 – The release this week of another Hamas video production intended to intimidate Israelis, but that instead showcased the amateurish skills and thinking of those behind it, has led analysts to the conclusion …

Hamas is also considering the use of further automotive terrorist attacks and suicide bombings to sweeten the deal. Gaza City, February 5 – The Islamist militant organization that governs the Gaza Strip rejected a proposal last week to free some of its members imprisoned in Israel in exchange for the release of two Israelis held …

A Defense Ministry spokesman described the deal as a “breakthrough.” Tel Aviv, January 31 – Ministry of Defense officials announced a new contract today with Kool-Aid Man, an expert in breaking through walls who will help the IDF demolish Palestinian homes more efficiently. Tarkiz Petel, a spokesman for the ministry, told reporters that among a …

“If the Guardian, Times of London, and Agence France-Presse have it right, there is an unknown number of driverless cars already out there.” Mountain View, CA, January 26 – Executives at global technology giant Google voiced concerns today about unknown competitors in the nascent driverless car industry, after encountering news coverage of cars that hit …

“There never was a Temp – no, wait, we can’t use that claim yet,” hesitated Saeb Erekat. Ramallah, January 22 – Palestinian leaders warned that if the king of Israel moves forward with his plan to establish Jerusalem as the national capital as announced, the region will explode in violence. President Mahmoud Abbas and several …

“If mid-air transmogrification technology has reached the hands of hostile elements, we face a serious challenge.” Umm al-Hiran, January 18 – Israeli defense officials expressed concern today that terrorist groups may have developed technology to change projectiles in mid-flight, after a rock thrown by a Bedouin protester struck an allied politician and was then reported …

Advocates for David called the move excessive, and criticized Israelite media for making the family of the slain Goliath into the victims of the incident. Elah Valley, January 12 – A panel of military judges voted to convict Israelite military personality David, son of Jesse, on First-Degree Murder charges after the latter beheaded a Philistine …

“We’re not offering a coherent line here.” Ramallah, January 9 – A day after a Palestinian terrorist attack that killed four Israelis, Palestinian leaders have found themselves amidst vehement disagreement over today’s tactic: should they be embracing and lauding the attack and its technique while calling for more of the same, or should they be …

“We could have told you the moment the story happened that the guy is guilty – he’s an Israeli soldier.” Tel Aviv, January 4 – The manslaughter conviction today of an IDF sergeant in the unlawful shooting death of a wounded attacker has human rights activists scratching their heads at the lengthy due process that …

The Council automatically rendered the entire Jewish stronghold currently under siege an illegal entity that must be dismantled. Jerusalem, December 28 – The Roman general commanding the forces surrounding the Jewish capital sent messengers today to the leaders of the besieged stronghold urging them to comply with Security Council Resolution 2334, which declared that a …

“It goes against the established and consistent policy of the Venezuelan government going back to Hugo Chavez.” New York, December 26 – Diplomats at the United Nations reported today that the Security Council will hold off on a resolution fixing the prevailing status of Jerusalem as the only legal disposition of the city until after …

Corruption and abuse of power have plagued the various organs of Palestinian internal security since their inception in 1993. Bethlehem, Judea, December 22 – A group of dignitaries from the East reported today that on their way to pay homage to the newborn King of the Jews, Palestinian police and security personnel accosted them and …

The Morabitoun, as they will be known, with their female counterparts the Morabitat, will attempt to obstruct Jacob and his offspring from performing Talmudic rituals that threaten or undermine Palestine’s sanctity. Ramallah, December 18 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas had angry words today for ten of Jacob’s sons, who threw their brother Joseph into a …

Hebrew officials dismissed the PETA allegations. Memphis, December 13 – A leading organization advocating for better treatment of animals has criticized the Hebrew leadership for abuse of snakes, citing a confrontation with Pharaoh’s sorcerers in which the creatures were transformed into staffs and vice versa, only to be swallowed alive in the end. A statement …

“We’re preparing for anything,” intoned a grim Lt. General Gadi Eizenkot, the IDF Chief of Staff. Tel Aviv, December 8 – As IDF units undergo training to prepare for an anticipated forced evacuation of the Amona settlement outpost, a separate group is conducting similar exercises in advance of an operation to remove left-wing journalists, politicians, …

“The army has to understand that feelings are the most important thing.” Ramat Aviv, December 4 – A group of twelfth-graders in an upscale section of Israel’s hippest metropolis spent time this afternoon discussing their upcoming military service, and inquired whether the army provides environments free of ideas or experiences likely to challenge the validity …

“It’s all part of a general cost-cutting trend in aviation that’s been going on for years already.” Tel Nof Air Base, November 29 – The most expensive and advanced fighter aircraft in the world is still unable to provide accommodation for kosher-keeping Israel Air Force pilots, an investigation has found. According to information gleaned by …

“If we end up spending hours, even days at a time in this thing? Goodbye romance, I can tell you that.” Latrun, November 23 – Two IDF soldiers getting busy inside a Mark-II Merkava Main Battle Tank told reporters today they oppose the integration of women into tank crews, because having to man the same …

The same kind of divider has facilitated the presence of both males and females in the same prayer space while maintaining dignified separation. Tel Aviv, November 21 – Amid resurgent controversy over the integration of women into military combat roles, the army’s Chief Rabbinate suggested today that the armored corps install partitions inside the vehicles …

Officials characterized the complex set of operations as a masterpiece. Tel Aviv, November 16 – Israeli Ministry of Defense and intelligence officials voiced satisfaction today after a post-mortem assessment of their clandestine activities related to the American presidential election, an important element of which included the building up of Palestinian hopes for a sympathetic personality …

The section chief praised her staff for completing the project ahead of schedule and under budget. Tel Aviv, November 9 – Developers and project leaders at Israel’s secret intelligence service gathered today to celebrate the first successful field test of the outfit’s latest device for manipulating and controlling the results of elections. The team of …

His campaign succeeded in seizing all the booty and prisoners taken by the four kings and their troops, at what the Human Rights Council has now called a disproportionate price. Oaks of Mamre, November 7 – The United Nations Human Rights Council issued a condemnation today of the Hebrew man Abraham for what they deemed …

The Zionist movement and global Jewry can now exploit the ensuing instability to consolidate assets and power. Land of Shinar, November 3 – Evidence is emerging that the failure of the collaborative project known as the Tower of Babel was the work of Zionists trying to weaken civilization by exacerbating differences, local sources reported today. …

Operation Re’ida was intended to sow further instability in Palestinian-administered territories by crippling Ramallah’s infrastructure. Tel Aviv, October 30 – Officials at Israel’s intelligence and clandestine operations agency promised a full inquiry today after the device intended to inflict an earthquake on the de facto Palestinian capital city instead hit Rome. A 6.6-magnitude tremor struck …

Normally, flags disintegrate, disappear, tear apart, or are otherwise destroyed within twenty minutes of their arrival at the Simchat Torah festivities. Jerusalem, October 25 – A paper banner on a stick that was used to celebrate the completion of the annual Torah-reading cycle somehow made it through the holiday of Simchat Torah intact, leading defense specialists …

A Russian bombing campaign in the Gaza Strip would enable the use of far more brutal and destructive – and therefore effective – methods than the IDF allows itself to employ. Tel Aviv, October 19 – The relative equanimity with which the international community has greeted Russia’s role in flattening Aleppo from the air has …

“I hope I do not live to see the day when Palestinian society has been so saturated and overcome with such invidious values that our youth – and many adults – default to violence when they encounter adversity.” Ramallah, October 10 – A psychologist at Bir Zeit University has admonished Palestinian leaders that the proliferation of …

If adopted throughout the IDF, the program is expected to save up to 1.5 billion shekels annually. Tel Nof Air Base, October 5 – Efforts to bring defense spending under control have sparked an initiative across all branches of the Israel Defense Forces to replace up to half the meat used in army, navy, and …

If successful, such an attack would eliminate many of the people who represent a check on the Islamic Republic’s efforts to build its sphere of influence Tehran, September 28 – Military and political chiefs in the Islamic Republic of Iran are considering an attack on Israel this Friday when dozens of Western heads of state …

“These Israelites claim to represent the ideals of the Living God, but I don’t see them doing the ethically proper thing and giving us the tools to repel their counteroffensives,” argued Akhish, potentate of this city-state. Gath, September 21 – The United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees weighed in on the Israel-Philistine conflict today with …

“It makes me and my colleagues look like fools, which is no way to treat the press.” Tel Aviv, September 19 – Defense observers were horrified to discover today that this many decades into the religious dimension animating the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, the Israeli defense establishment has failed to guarantee a place in Heaven to anyone who …

It was understandable the president thought that’s what we do, considering how everything has been handled with Iran. Washington, September 14 – White House officials told reporters today that President Obama was taken aback at discovering that the ten-year, thirty-eight-billion-dollar military assistance package to Israel does not have to be supplied in pallets of cash borne by …

Among other evidence, Dr. Tzidibba pointed to the notion of collective punishment that informs both stories, and the fraught relationship the survivors tended to have with alcoholic beverages. Mt. Ararat, September 7 – A new investigation into the flood that destroyed civilization and all but wiped out land-based animal life has concluded that the disaster …

“The ones Palestinians have been using since way back in the First Intifada of the late 1980’s are a fashion faux pas.” Los Angeles, September 5 – The award-winning actor who portrayed Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, Captain Jack Sparrow, and other memorable cinematic characters has announced that he will donate his surplus scarves to the …

A glance through Haaretz is as good as having a man on the ground in Pakistan, Sudan, or Iran. Tel Aviv, August 31 – Israeli defense and intelligence officials told reporters today that a reserve in the current budget for the Ministry of Defense will be used in part to gain access to Haaretz’s English-language …

If adopted by Israel, that approach could yield significant financial, diplomatic, political, and strategic benefits. Tel Aviv, August 25 – The Obama administration’s accommodating attitude toward Iran’s hostage-taking of Americans has prompted Israeli military and political policymakers to consider adopting a similar pattern of imprisoning Americans in exchange for generous ransom packages, Kol Israel radio …

No serious mishaps have occurred as a result of the incessant update requests, but that remains a matter of time. Near Ashkelon, August 21 – Operators of Israel’s revolutionary missile interceptor system expressed cumulative annoyance today after countless months of having the software repeatedly ask them to update their edition of Adobe. Iron Dome Battery …

The US and Britain declined to use their vetoes, a move largely seen as a rebuke to the Israelites for not allowing themselves to be attacked with impunity. Horma, near Edom, August 16 – International condemnation followed the Hebrews’ military operation to free prisoners taken by the Canaanite ruler of Arad this week, an action deemed …

Chief among the IDF’s list of MTA achievements they wish to study is the Second Avenue subway line. Kibbutz Nir Am, August 11 – Israeli defense officials continue to seek innovative ways to neutralize or combat threats from Hamas and other Islamist militias in the Gaza Strip near this pastoral community, including those groups’ use …

Tubal-Cain’s half-brothers Jabal and Jubal also made important advances in their respective fields of animal husbandry and acoustics. Ur, August 7 – A local metallurgy pioneer has secured an agreement with the government to develop and produce a weapons system to help guard the civilian infrastructure from arrow attack in case of war, government tablets …

“They are throwing off the schedule and endanger the project itself.” Jerusalem, August 3 – Workers laboring under King Hezekiah of Judah to divert Jerusalem’s water source from use by the advancing Assyrian army have repeatedly encountered Hamas forced laborers in the process of digging passages of their own, sources in the king’s palace said …

Fighters, workers, and child laborers scurried out of the passages via shafts in homes, mosques, schools, and public health facilities. Khan Younis Refugee Camp, July 27 – Hundreds of Hamas personnel and civilian workers in the underground system crisscrossing this militant stronghold were forced above ground today when a team of laborers was misdirected and …

“We cannot allow this man to continue to poison the minds of our children.” Nablus, July 25 – Parents and students at the Yasser Arafat Primary School expressed outrage today that a fourth-grade teacher at the institution now refuses to excuse missed assignments attributed to Israeli military occupation. Students came home from school yesterday and related that their …

“Are bakeries in Gaza using a mixture of half flour and half sawdust?” Leningrad, Soviet Russia, July 20 – Residents of this city on the Baltic besieged by the Wehrmacht voiced outrage today upon being informed that Palestinian advocates would be employing the term “siege” in talking about the military blockade imposed on the Gaza …

“He was using the right verb form for the third-person feminine plural future,” recalled an agent. Tel Aviv, July 13 – Investigators in Israeli counterintelligence have caught a foreign agent when the man unwittingly exposed himself by being the only person who used grammatically correct Hebrew, Shin Bet sources reported today. The man, an employee at …

“Entities such as Human Rights Watch, B’tselem, and various UN bodies have also contributed to increased demand for salt, and the industry has been more than happy to provide.” Kibbutz Ein Gedi, July 11 – Local officials at this community overlooking the Dead Sea have seen a marked increase in the scale and quantity of …

Analysts see the move as an encouraging sign of emerging liberal values in Palestinian society. Ramallah, July 7 – Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas signed an order today that sets a new, lighter mandatory punishment for people convicted of tendering medical aid to Jews, ordaining that such convicts be put to death by lynching instead …

Punishment is eight hundred times more likely to be “collective” when the negative treatment occurs at the hand of Jews. Davos, July 3 – A group of researchers examining the nature of Newtonian principles has discovered an ontological anomaly in the application of action-reaction principles, whereby the term “collective punishment” can only correctly be applied …

Pharaoh chose those plagues because they are the most likely to recur. Memphis, June 28 – Military engineers have been working day and night to develop technology for shielding the country against enemy plagues, a spokesman for pharaoh’s palace told reporters today. Called the Iron Pyramid, the system will be designed to blow apart hailstones …

Police officials said Rahab ran a brothel in the wall of the city. Jericho, June 23 – Palestinian security officials announced today they will seek the arrest of Rahab the harlot, whom they accuse of collaborating with the Zionist occupation of this city. Riydat Adma, a Fatah spokesman, said his organization convinced Palestinian Authority officials …

“It would have been more humane to enable the doomed people trapped in tunnels to play, for example, Candy Crush.” Khan Yunis, June 19 – United Nations officials issued harsh criticism of Israel today for the sorry state of wireless connectivity and reception in the tunnel Hamas uses to move men and materiel through the …

“Many don’t realize that we developed most, if not all, of the fixes out there that are marketed or portrayed as methods to defeat tracking, precisely as a method of conducting that tracking.” Herzeliya, June 15 – Israeli military and defense figures speaking at the annual Herzeliya Conference told the audience today that as a preemptive …

At least one victim flagrantly ordered ice coffee. Tel Aviv, June 8 – Police investigating this evening’s shooting attack in the downtown area of this city are reporting initial findings that indicate all nine of the Israelis killed or wounded in the incident may have been engaged beforehand in such suspicious activities as shopping, visiting cafes, …

His commanders have not exhibited understanding, or taken his complaint seriously. Camp Schneller, June 4 – Private (First Class) Lior Amedi expressed near-certainty today that his basic training regimen for the combat unit he will soon join did not include the crucial component of planting knives near or on the persons of Palestinians who have …

“We really must develop a coherent approach to this problem, because it’s not going to go away. I mean, it will, and that’s the problem, but – you know what I mean.” Jerusalem, May 30 – Three teenage suspects in the stabbing attack on several Holocaust survivors two weeks ago were arrested today, reigniting the question …

An IDF-issue towel of the appropriate color will replace the requisite beret. Tel Aviv, May 25 – The IDF senior command and officials at the Ministry of Defense issued a reminder today that all personnel are to keep on their persons a towel at all times today, in keeping with the observance of Towel Day, …

“I have never seen Liberman in the same room as the infamously bloodthirsty Vlad Dracula.” Jerusalem, May 20 – Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu is expected to announce in the next day or two that he has appointed as Minister of Defense a man who has never, according to media records, denied feasting on the …

The move is part of an upcoming attempt to bring Israel to its knees. Iata, Palestinian Territories, May 16 – Members of the clandestine hacker collective known as Anonymous hatched a plan this week to take down the institutions and confidence of the Jewish State by gaining access to and disabling the web presence of …

“The noisy displays rub salt in the collective would inflicted by Israel when the latter refused to be pushed into the sea.” Geneva, May 13 – The United Nations Human Rights Council again weighed in against Israel today, calling Wednesday night’s fireworks in honor of the country’s Independence Day collective punishment of the Palestinians, some …

“It just never occurred to any of us to take the term at anything but face value,” said Academy spokeswoman Yirga Muhu. Jerusalem, May 9 – Linguistic researchers at the Academy of the Hebrew Language were stunned this week to discover that the common English expression “a stone’s throw” denotes a short span of distance between two …

A Hamas poster named the bomber as Jarjar al-Binki, 25, of the Shati refugee camp in the Gaza Strip. Mos Eisley, Tatooine, May 4 – A Palestinian suicide bomber detonated his explosive belt inside a landmark watering hole last night, killing seven patrons and wounding twelve others, including the establishment’s proprietor. The Hamas organization claimed responsibility …

Yaalon said the IDF cannot sink to the level of its enemies by actually killing people. Kalandia Checkpoint, April 27 – Hours after a pair of Palestinian siblings attacked soldiers here with knives and were shot in the attempt, the soldiers who fired the shots that neutralized the attackers have not been arrested or placed …

The move will help the unit operating the Iron Dome to conserve energy and resources that would be put to better use defending parts of Tel Aviv that actually matter. Tel Aviv, April 20 – Israel Defense Force technicians have reprogrammed the Iron Dome missile interceptor system not to shoot down any rockets that would …

Despite decades of Arab terrorism, protests, and international opprobrium, Israel has only grown in population, economic strength, and military power. Ramallah, April 13 – Palestinian strategists are scratching heir heads at the latest statistics showing that despite six months of stabbing attacks on Israelis, the six-million-strong Jewish population of the Zionist state has not abandoned …

“What, you mean like above ground?” wondered a puzzled shopkeeper, when asked whether the cement might be used for rebuilding houses. “People do that?” Gaza City, April 6 – Inhabitants of the coastal strip of territory governed by the Islamist Hamas movement can sort of remember that cement has some purpose other than the construction …

“It’s nothing less than scandalous that this far into the seven-decade-old ethnic cleansing, no specific manual exists on how soldiers are to execute one of the basic techniques of that project.” Tel Aviv, April 2 – The army clerk in charge of maintaining and accessing the IDF’s official procedure has been unable to locate any …

Four of the counselors are in Bnei Brak. Tel Aviv, March 28 – In the wake of an incident in which an IDF soldier allegedly shot and killed a Palestinian attacker who had already been incapacitated, the Israeli military has developed new Rules of Engagement to forestall a recurrence, including a mandatory eight weeks of …

“The kingdom has a lot riding on the original Kill the Jews and Take Everything They Have decree.” Susa, Persian Empire, March 22 – The director of a prominent rights organization cautioned against allowing Grand Vizier Haman’s genocidal decree to be contradicted, saying that any impingement on the ability of Haman and his loyalists to …

Putin is unlikely to face resistance domestically from a prostrate opposition. Amdan, Syria, March 17 – Russian President Vladimir Putin surprised most observers Monday with his announcement that he had finished penetrating Syria, and would begin pulling out. Political figures, diplomats, and commentators scrambled to understand, explain, and adjust to the news, which came after an extended …

Experts cautioned that it remains too early to establish that IS even knows how to use the weapon, or would want to. Brussels, March 12 – Military analysts in NATO believe the Islamic State may have gained access to advanced weaponry such as the legendary Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, sources in the region are …

He wonders whether maybe the definition of “peaceful” is not as rigid as he had assumed. Hebron, March 7 – Nearly seventy years of Arab Palestinian violence against Jews in Israel has prompted a local man to think that, perhaps, if all the facts are taken into account, it might appear that such resistance to …

Israeli antimissile defense systems are very effective, but no system is perfect. Haifa, March 3 – Israeli defense officials urged calm after Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah threatened to attack data-storage units here with rockets, which would release your browser history to the public, jeopardizing reputations and possibly lives. Ministry of Defense spokesman Incogni Tomod reassured …

So far they are still so consumed by their situation. Gaza City, February 28 – The Ministry of Health in the Hamas-run Gaza Strip dispatched social workers and a therapist last night to help treat a group of fighters who were in an underground tunnel when it collapsed, and now complain they feel “trapped.” At …

They have only increased their supply to those very security forces of attackers to shoot and imprison. London, February 23 – Activists urging individuals and organizations not to maintain commercial, cultural, or other contact with Israel over its treatment of Palestinians say the Palestinians are still providing Israeli security forces with attackers to shoot, members of the …

Such repurposing of images has occurred in previous rounds of Hamas-Israel warfare. Gaza City, February 18 – While the militant Islamist organization that runs this coastal territory has not engaged in large-scale hostilities with Israel since the summer of 2014, it remains busy repairing its tunnels, replenishing its arsenal of rockets, and building up its inventory …

” I know what it’s like to be part of a decades-long blood feud.” Cliffs of Insanity, Guilder Frontier, February 14 – A famed Spanish sword fighter weighed in today on the recent phenomenon of Palestinians perpetrating stabbing attacks on Israelis, and suggested that the assailants might achieve better results if, instead of simply lunging at …

In his defense the accused claimed one need not read into his statements that he favored the cursed Zionist occupation. Gaza City, February 10 – The militant Islamist organization that runs this beleaguered coastal territory has put to death a resident for saying and writing statements that give the impression that the Gaza Strip’s population …

“One of the bedrock assumptions for Hamas must be that in any large-scale conflict with Israel, which has happened with some regularity over the last several years, they’re going to be bombed back to the stone age.” Gaza City, February 2 – The militant Islamist movement that rules the Gaza Strip unveiled yesterday what it called …

“I hope I don’t need to cause anymore tunnel collapses. The one last week was only because they got too close.” 800 meters underground somewhere near Suja’iya, February 1 – A criminal mastermind who maintains a secret facility far below Earth’s surface voiced worry today that continued Hamas digging in the area might expose his clandestine …

The trouble that resulted from the delay of the waaambulance resulted in the need for more waaambulances, trapping an ever-widening circle of participants in a self-generated disaster. Jabalia, Gaza Strip, January 27 – Gaza Ministry of Health officials said today that initial reports indicated that the reason as many as 11 Hamas operatives were killed …

“Cleveland was the obvious choice of locale for avoiding unwanted attention. It’s the last place anyone thinks of in terms of anything important happening.” Cleveland, January 23 – Officials in Israel’s intelligence and security apparatus voiced concern today that the firing of Cleveland Cavaliers coach David Blatt yesterday put a serious crimp in the nation’s …

Israel is the default party to blame for all misfortunes prior to corroborating such blame with evidence, if at all. Gaza City, January 18 (AFP) – Dust and air pollution reached much higher levels than normal today after Israel turned on gigantic fans pointed across the border at this coastal territory, local sources are reporting. …

“The torture, mutilation, and massacre of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics could be similarly treated,” he suggested. Washington, January 14 – US Secretary of State John Kerry followed up his characterization of Iran’s capture and release of American servicemen as a “positive” development by recommending to Israel that it use similar terminology in …

“It’s more than a little puzzling that such a potent, proven tactic is simply not part of the Israeli military toolbox,” observed Jordanian General Krosmiya Naqilya. Tel Aviv, January 10 – Defense experts noted with some surprise today the fact that Israel’s military and security apparatus, for some undetermined reason, does not use the deprivation of …

“It’s about a culture.” Beit F’jar, Palestinian Authority, January 5 – Environmental organizations praised Palestinian leaders today for their use of children and teens in attacks on Israel, noting that the phenomenon indicates the society’s awareness of the importance of using renewable resources. Following this morning’s (Tuesday) stabbing attack by a Palestinian fifteen-year-old on Israelis …

The fact that the killings will be by Palestinians, not Israelis or Jews, he called a technicality. “Israel will be blamed for it in the end in any case.” Ramallah, December 31 – Tired of population statistics not bearing out the oft-repeated charge that Israel is committing genocide against the Palestinians, officials among the various factions of …

“It poses a serious challenge to the Palestinian sense of unique identity.” Paris, December 28 – Representatives of the Palestinian Authority submitted a formal complaint to the United Nations’ main cultural body today over some extremist Israelis’ use of terrorism, saying the phenomenon constitutes cultural appropriation of what is properly Palestinian behavior. The petition submitted …

“These recommendations are bound to encounter opposition not necessarily on their merits, but simply because they are new.” Jerusalem, December 23 – An efficiency consultant studying Palestinian societal practices issued a report today examining its policies and suggesting changes, including having those who intend to stab Jews avoid the hassle, mess, and expense of an actual attack …

Putin would cause much more destruction and death in Gaza than the Israeli military, if provoked properly. Gaza City, December 16 – Stymied in its efforts to undermine enemy legitimacy by engineering large numbers of civilian casualties, the militant group Hamas is considering shifting its sights from Israel to Russia, a country deemed more likely …

Infan Tissyde, an expert on asymmetrical warfare with Jane’s, said the Palestinians would likely try within a day or two to press the advantage the coup has created. Jerusalem, December 14 – Palestinian leaders voiced gratification Monday evening after a terrorist rammed his car into a bus stop in Jerusalem and injured 14 people, among them …

Jews can be frightened away by the mere thought of a Palestinian youth with a kitchen knife, which is why there are only 6 million of them in Israel. Gaza City, December 8 – A new report by the Palestinian Ministry of Misinfomation points to a surprising development in the decades-long resistance to Israel, whereby …

“That will help the families and friends cope better with their loss,” said Kerry. Washington, December 3 – In a bid to reassure Secretary of State John Kerry in the wake of the fatal shooting spree in California yesterday, the Israeli intelligence chief told him that there was indeed an understandable rationale for the massacre, mirroring …

Current, voltage, and conductance reflect nothing of the kind of resistance with which the Palestinian media, leadership, schools, and society have bombarded them since birth. Ramallah, November 29 – Palestinian students encountering the notion of resistance in electrical circuits expressed bewilderment at the absence of knives, explosives, guns, and other weapons in their texts’ treatment …

Abbas was elected in 2005 after the death of the iconic and similarly corrupt Yasser Arafat, to serve a four-year term, and has held office ever since. Tel Aviv, November 24 – To combat a mounting wave of official incitement to kill Israelis, senior figures in Israel’s defense establishment are considering plans to remove Palestinian …

“The increasing calm offers hope for Israelis and Palestinians to move past the recent violence and make an effort to restart negotiations.” Washington, November 19 – A week after US President Barack Obama declared the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant “contained,” and two days before the organization’s deadly attacks in Paris, White House …

“It’s all but inevitable that people facing such crushing shame will resort to desperately violent, brutal means to negate it.” Cairo, November 15 – Scholars of Levantine history have uncovered evidence that the religion of Islam was developed by medieval Zionists as a way to make Muslims look bad, a new study at Cairo University …

“Israel is calling these events planned, but someone with no head, and therefore no brain, is incapable of premeditated action,” said Amnesty International researcher Jacob T. Burns. Hebron, November 9 – Palestinians claim Israel is tampering with the evidence regarding the people shot by security forces for stabbing attacks, saying that Israel is doctoring photographs and video …

The IDF unit responsible for maintaining the pretend dams is the same one that controls the world banking system. Zikkim, Israel, November 4 – Following last year’s success in flooding the Gaza Strip during torrential rain by opening nonexistent dams in the south of Israel, the Home Front Command is in the throes of an effort …

The results of the study will appear in the upcoming issue of the journal Scientific Testing And Beyond (STAB). Hebron, October 28 – Scientists at Ramallah’s Bir Zeit University have made a surprising revelation, discovering this week that the stabbing implement known as the knife can potentially be used to cut food, and perhaps other …

By January a companion app called I’m Being Firebombed will launch, to serve users under attack with Molotov cocktails. Jerusalem, October 26 – At a meeting of the Foreign Relations and Defense Committee today, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu told attendees of the development of a new smartphone application that will allow users to announce to the …

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas said that he and his people genuinely seek peace, and are only resisting the Jewish presence in places they do not belong, such as Earth. Ramallah, October 21 – Palestinian leaders continued to support the popular uprising that has claimed dozens of Israeli and Palestinian lives in recent weeks, saying that …

The new policy will test whether Agence France-Presse, AP, CNN, the BBC, The Guardian, The New York Times, and other media outlets continue to uncritically parrot Palestinian claims of Israeli brutality and culpability even when the killings are committed by Palestinians. Khan Yunis, October 14 – Unable to participate directly in the current wave of …

A similar study earlier this year found that Palestinian youths holed up inside Al-Aqsa Mosque with fireworks, firebombs, and rocks to hurl at Israeli police and tourists were seventeen times as likely to express a negative opinion of Jews. Nazareth, October 12 – A scientific survey has found indications that Arabs who attack Jews by attempting …

“Violence is not our way,” stressed Abbas. “Now go forth and defend Jerusalem with all your might, for every drop of blood spilled there is sacred!” Ramallah, October 7 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas attempted to reduce tensions with Israel today after more than a week of deadly violence, calling on his people to halt …

The administration can safely return to the diplomatic de rigueur of condemning violence by “both sides” and calling on “both sides” to exercise restraint. Washington, October 2 – US President Barack Obama walked back earlier comments today, saying that he did not intend to claim credit for the terrorist attack last night that killed two …

Neither official Saudi media nor local observers appear to have caught on that the Mossad is behind the stampede, as part of a broader campaign to sow disaster and instability in the region. Mecca, September 24 – Israeli intelligence operatives expressed confidence today that even after repeated incidents involving hundreds of fatalities in stampedes surrounding …

Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad have received arms and funding from Iran, so the similar treatment is doubly suitable. New York, September 17 – Media outlets expecting to report on the development of Iranian atomic weapons will adopt the same dismissive terminology that they used in minimizing the threat to Israel and impact of rockets …

“Physical passages are not the only way to tunnel into the enemy’s rear.” Bekaa Valley, Lebanon, September 8 – While mired in a punishing conflict inside Syria, Lebanon’s Shiite militia Hezbollah has been keeping an eye on its neighbor to the south and developing technologies and tactics in preparation for any war with Israel. Those efforts …

Amnesty International challenged the necessity and legality of the soldier’s action when the clear alternative of having the girl bite a softer, less damaging body part was so readily available. Nabi Saleh, September 3 – The man whose teenage daughter was filmed biting an Israeli soldier who tried to arrest her brother for throwing stones, says …

“The shark attacks in Egypt in 2010? That really was us.” Israeli NGO Breaking the Silence has a released a new report containing revelations by Mossad agents that they were behind a number of secret operations for which Israel was correctly blamed, most recently with the Hamas capture of a Mossad Spy-Dolphin. Breaking the Silence typically exploits Israeli …

The creatures allegedly feign combat operations against Israeli targets while in fact conducting espionage for the Mossad and Israeli military intelligence. Kissufim, Israel, August 25 – The recent reports of Hamas capturing a dolphin that had been trained and equipped by Israel to conduct espionage, and possibly sabotage, has opened a window into the secretive …

“Somebody has to be there to sign for it,” said delivery man Rosh Katann. Ashdod, August 20 – In anticipation of rocket fire from the Gaza Strip, the IDF has said it will deploy an Iron Dome antimissile battery to protect the area of this port city, and that the country must stay home between …

“We are less than a year away from being able to cause a system failure in almost any civilian aircraft, and a good number of airborne military systems.” Tel Nof Air Force Base, August 16 – Senior commanders in the Israel Air Force are expressing satisfaction at the progress of the IDF’s development of an …

“Now we can say that the Palestinian cause is supported by none other than the prestigious environmental organization Greenpeace. Amsterdam, August 11 – A leading environmental organization lauded Palestinian groups today for promoting ecologically sensitive policies by repurposing used bottles to be used as homemade firebombs aimed at Israelis. Greenpeace International awarded Hamas and Fatah …

Iran is likely to intensify its support and encouragement of Hezbollah, possibly even to the point of another Lebanon war. Baghdad, August 6 – Scorching temperatures across the Middle East for the last week are coming from a series of Israeli strikes on Iranian nuclear facilities, intelligence sources revealed Thursday. Unusually high temperatures, often reaching …

Draft office personnel were unable to explain the sudden reversal. Tel Aviv, August 3 – The Israeli military today canceled a nascent publicity program to increase recruitment among ultra-orthodox that would have appealed to the demographic’s perceived desire to kill homosexuals, portraying the country’s enemies as dangerously gay. No reason was given for the cancellation. Following last week’s …

“The international community, which we represent, as a rule reaches a guilty verdict more or less immediately when Israeli actions are involved, so the Court deemed it appropriate to set a similar time frame for allegations of analogous Palestinian misdeeds.” The Hague, July 29 – The International Criminal Court continued to devote attention to the Israeli-Palestinian …

UNRWA officials have denied the validity of the claims, but first looked at a mysterious man in the back of the room, as if waiting for instructions. Gaza City, July 23 – An investigation of one of the world’s foremost refugee organizations has discovered that instead of making the care and proper resettlement of refugees …

“I will kill every Zionist pig I see, and liberate my land with blood and fire,” he added, his voice cracking, whether from emotion or puberty. Gaza City, July 20 – Ghasseb Hatib hopes to be drafted in one of the first few rounds when Hamas and other Islamist militant organizations begin their recruitment this …

The several bona fide astronauts who have gone to outer space have all been Israeli agents performing maintenance on the machines that control what the rest of humanity sees when they look at the so-called sky. Laurel, Maryland, July 15 – Israeli intelligence and secret operations officials expressed gratification today at the outcome of their …

It will frustrate enemy troops and commanders with its inconsistent and unreliable network coverage. Tel Aviv, July 12 – Israeli military engineers have developed a way to cripple enemy communications by forcing all wireless traffic to use the Cellcom network, a defense publication reported today. Jane’s Analysis of Mideast Military Engineering Developments (JAMMED) features in …

An earlier draft of the statement called on Israel to provide an even greater level of military assistance to the Gaza Strip. Geneva, July 6 – The United Nations Human Rights Council followed up its endorsement of the Davis Commission’s report on the 2014 Gaza conflict by telling Israel today that it must provide the …

“It was not quite sufficient to interpret mocking, threatening Hamas video clips as warnings, so the Council felt compelled to shore up the idea that Hamas warned Israeli civilians with this finding.” Geneva, July 1 – The United Nations Human Rights Council issued a report today in which it ruled that rocket launches from Gaza …

“All we had to do to achieve the same result was take the existing Nazi, er, literature and adapt it to the Gaza context. Would have taken half the time.” Geneva, June 24 – The research team that released a report of its investigation into Israeli and Palestinian combat conduct during last summer’s war in and …

“Whose side do they think they’re on?” Ramallah, June 15 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas voiced bewilderment today at the tension over South Africa’s possible arrest of Sudan President Omar al-Bashir at the behest of the International Criminal Court, saying he was unaware that the ICC was authorized to pursue accused war criminals who are not Israeli. …

“It can be hard for people outside Gaza to appreciate the harshness of these conditions,” said Gunness. Gaza City, June 8 – The ongoing Israeli and Egyptian blockade of this coastal territory has strained local availability of new anti-Jewish insults, all but compelling Gaza residents to use the same slurs again and again, relief agency …

“Most, if not all, of the non-weaponized nouns were no longer current by the ninenteenth century,” said researcher Aiosi Fifa. Tel Aviv, June 1 – Researchers at the Institute of Language are seeking the public’s help in finding concepts and objects that have not been been exploited by Palestinians and their supporters for use against …

“It’s hard for me to grasp how absolutely everyone in this unit made the same exact fashion choice.” Nitzanim, May 21 – New recruit 18-year-old Ori Harari expressed dismay and shock that everyone in his unit seems to have worn identical clothes to boot camp, local sources reported Thursday. Harari and his fellow cadets are …

The officer declined to give specifics on how the IAF would accomplish its task, but some experts pointed to strong evidence that Israel had developed mass mind-control techniques. Khartoum, May 15 – Hysteria surrounding repeated rumors and reports of explosions resulting from alleged Israeli air attacks on Sudanese facilities have prompted the Israel Air Force to …

“Coupled with the fatalism that life in Gaza under Hamas generates, this is a natural proving ground for the use of a comfort zone.” Kibbutz Nirim, Israel, May 6 – Israeli efforts to prevent the infiltration of Palestinian fighters from the Gaza Strip intensified Wednesday with the creation of a comfort zone surrounding the coastal …

The earthquake was probably deemed necessary to distract from Zionist and Jewish conspiratorial efforts to seize control of certain vital natural resources elsewhere in the world. Kathmandu, Nepal, April 30 – Commanders of the ostensibly medical IDF mission to Nepal in the aftermath of last week’s catastrophic earthquake report success in their efforts to conceal …

Israel violates the right to freedom of movement of people attempting to move their valuable ammunition and weaponry out of troubled areas such as the Gaza Strip, Syria, and Lebanon. Ein Zivan, Golan Heights, April 28 – Israel continued this week to restrict the freedom of movement of armed people trying to enter its territory, human rights groups …

Israeli officials had no direct comment on the matter, as none were invited to the meeting. Washington, April 21 – President Barack Obama sought to reassure Israel and its allies in the US that an impending deal with Iran over the latter’s nuclear ambitions would not compromise his commitment to backing the Jewish State if …

Hamas retains a sizable pool of humans with which to equip its low-tech system. Gaza City, April 14 – Military observers are reporting that Hamas, the militant Islamist movement that runs the Gaza Strip, appears to be rebuilding and improving its Human Dome system in the wake of a punishing war with Israel last summer. Human …

If they can pull this off, the Islamic Republic will be sitting pretty, knowing they can protect sensitive facilities from almost any foreign airborne threat. Tehran, April 5 – Israeli military intelligence officials cited reports today that Iran is attempting to shield its uranium-enrichment centrifuges from attack by surrounding them with one of the heaviest, …

“I doubt they’d accept me. There are just too many younger guys out there – I’m basically over the hill as far as Hamas is concerned.” Rafah, Gaza Strip, March 28 – Yusuf Hijazi looks at the towering wall between the Gaza Strip and Egypt, and wonders whether he, too, might be blocked from achieving …

“This settlement has long attracted radicals, but we are prepared to deal with that,” said Egoz Battalion commander Major Aryush Itinmi. Jaffa, March 21 – The Israel Defense Force announced this morning (Saturday) it had received approval from the Ministry of Defense to begin removing the structures and residents from Tel Aviv, a Jewish settler …

No such flexibility in defining permissible combat operations should be afforded Israel, the Council warned. Geneva, March 11 – The United Nations Human Rights Council issued an interim directive today to the commission investigating possible war crimes during the Israel-Hamas conflict this past summer, instructing the team to make certain allowances in Hamas’s favor when determining whether the …

The Israel Electric Corporation has begun to demand compensation for electricity sent into Palestinian areas, indicating the misgivings that Israelis feel over it. Gaza City, March 4 – The residents of this crowded city live under the constant stream of potentially fatal currents overhead, as Israel streams more than 120 megawatts of electric power into …

It was in fact they, not Palestinians or journalists, who began spreading the older photos, in order to generate credibility for the “slander” angle. Nahal Oz, Israel, February 24 – Israel Defense Force engineers are working intensively to conceal a series of dams that were opened in order to flood the Gaza Strip with rainwater, …

“Tell me, how credible do you think we’re going to remain if Mr. Salaambam Thankyumam appears multiple times on these lists?” he challenged. Gaza City, February 18 – Officials at the Ministry of Health expressed anger today that the compilers of casualty figures from this past summer’s war with Israel sloppily included multiple instances of …

“If more effective and efficient methods and equipment were available, we would not still be here two years later discussing this death, and that is regrettable.” Ramallah, February 18 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas expressed regret today over the death of Israeli four-year-old Adele Bitton, saying she should have died right away instead of languishing …

“Chamberlain was able to achieve what he called ‘peace in our time’ by offering Germany the Sudetenland region in exchange for a declared end to further territorial ambitions in Europe. There’s no reason it can’t work again, this time with Iran, to much the same result.” Tehran, February 11 – Iranian officials have yet to …

“Contrary to what movies, TV programs, comic books, and video games might indicate, armor that leaves everything but a few choice points of female anatomy uncovered actually endangers the wearer,” read the complaint. Tzeelim Base, Negev Desert, February 5 – As the country’s police force grapples with a crippling number of senior commanders investigated of …

Tel Aviv, January 29 – The apparent success in warding off automotive terrorist attacks on passengers by placing massive concrete blocks at Jerusalem light rail stations has prompted the Tel Aviv municipality to take similar measures to prevent terrorism on buses, following the stabbing spree last week on a local Tel Aviv line. Beginning Sunday, …

The first group of alumni is scheduled to perform for a compliant video crew from the BBC next week Hebron, January 21 – After an embarrassing incident in which a woman was caught on camera being coached to cry just so when Western media personnel were present, the Palestine Liberation Organization has established a crack unit …

Ramallah, January 15 – Following a highly showcased move of joining the International Criminal Court, the proto-state of Palestine renewed its membership in the Court of Public Opinion a judiciary body much more accepting of the Palestinian position on multiple important issues. Renewal represents a crucial step in pressuring Israel over its military activity. Palestine …

Eli Settlement, Occupied West Bank, January 9 – Israeli military technology has now been applied to the thorny problem of snow and ice blocking roads, in the form of a new method that rapidly clears the routes to and from West Bank settlements by using powdered Palestinian children. Low-flying aircraft and several types of dispenser trucks …

Gaza City, January 2 – The Islamist movement that controls the Gaza Strip urgently sought to undo an order it placed with an online vendor after discovering that the blow-up toys in the order were in fact inflatable, and not explosive. Izzedine-el-Kassam Brigades purchasing coordinator Ayma Ful purchased hundreds of blow-up dolls via an online business operating …

Gaza City, December 27 – The Hamas movement that governs the Gaza Strip has sentenced gravity to death, after the force of nature was convicted of providing assistance to Israel in its recent Protective Edge operation against the Gaza Strip, and in numerous Israeli assassinations of Islamic militants. All appeals have been exhausted, says gravity’s lawyer, …

Ramallah, December 19 – Palestinian minister Ziad Abu Ein was apparently murdered by telekinetic Zionist soldiers, according to a forensic report issued today (see accompanying photo). “Freak telekinetic Jews are directly responsible for the death of Abu Ein,” said Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. “The world must stop this scourge.” The incident took place on the …

Khan Yunis, December 14 – The Islamist leadership of the Gaza Strip revealed a new weapon in its arsenal Sunday, then immediately told residents it was sorry for removing the weapon’s attire like some immoral Westerner. To celebrate 27 years since its founding, Hamas paraded a new launcher for the M-75 rocket, one of its principal …

Tel Aviv, December 8 – Intelligence officials alerted the Israeli military and political leadership this morning that the Gaza Strip has begun accumulating millions of gallons of untreated sewage for an as-yet-unclear use. Mossad and military intelligence units discovered the stockpiles of the dangerous material through analysis of overhead drone images. The photographs indicated the …

In the last six months a total of eleven youths have received suspensions and twenty-nine more were placed on probation, numbers that represent a threefold increase since 2005. Ramallah, December 1 – A Palestinian youth who regularly hurls rocks and other projectiles at Israeli security forces was suspended from further such activity for at least …

Kibbutz Lahav, November 25 – Israel’s efforts to drive Palestinian farmers off their lands received a boost this week with the announcement that the army would partner with local pig breeders to develop flying pigs for release in Palestinian agricultural areas. Palestinians have long accused Israel of releasing wild boars to wreak havoc with Palestinian …

Ramallah, November 17 – Palestinian engineers unveiled the latest version of a blame-deflecting defense system today, improving the existing model to include a far more powerful deflection system to repel even preliminary notions that Palestinians could be expected to behave morally. The Con-Dome system sheaths Palestinian society and government from accusations of involvement in, or …

Kerem Shalom, Israel, November 9 – In a further bid to ease conditions for residents of the Gaza Strip, Israel has expanded the list of materials it will allow into the territory to include the snozzcumber, a vegetable with nutritive properties far in excess of that available from typical Gaza produce. Beginning next week, this …

Jerusalem, November 2 – The institution where the shooter of a prominent Jewish activist worked has terminated the man’s employment now that the police have killed him, the Menachem Begin Heritage Center announced today. The Begin Center fired Muataz Hijazi this morning, said the center’s head, Herzl Makov, since being killed was an unacceptable characteristic for an …

Washington, DC, October 25 – US President Barack Obama has engaged a tailor to make changes to his jackets and shirts that will enable him to shrug more frequently and emphatically when he is informed of Arab attacks on Jews or continuing Jew-hatred in the Arab world. Though in office nearly six years, the president …

Gaza City, October 19 – An attempt to raise funds for Hamas’s military wing via the sale of a calendar featuring attractive Muslim women has produced poor results, a spokesman for the movement conceded today. The “Babes of Hamas” pinup calendar was intended to support the cash-strapped organization in its efforts to rebuild its arsenal, …

Jerusalem, October 13 – Few police forces must consistently straddle the line between civilian law enforcement and defense against external terrorist threats as Israel’s does, challenging them to develop methods to effectively avoid all potential incidents taking place at a given time. In addition to the typical police work involving local beats, domestic incidents, forensic …

Ramat Hasharon, Israel, October 6 – Tensions over a proposed increase in military spending as part of the 2015 government budget have forced the Ministry of Defense and Israel Defense Force to seek revenue outside the standard military budget, leading them to offer ad space on the sides of armored vehicles. Lower-than-anticipated tax revenues and …

Gaza City, September 30 – The bevy of supply restrictions facing residents of this coastal territory has taken their toll on various civil services, including paramedics, who, in the absence of dummies, must now resort to injuring people in order to gain training for treating those injuries. Egypt and Israel control the border crossings to …

Tel Aviv, September 20 – The congestion and delays inherent in the system of tunnels connecting Manhattan with New Jersey and the outer boros of New York lies at the center of a new Israeli strategy for neutralizing the threat of underground infiltrations from the Gaza Strip, IDF sources reported today. During the recent round of …

Tel Aviv, September 14 – A letter from a group of disgruntled intelligence corps reservists refusing further participation in duties that they claim treat Palestinians with unnecessary harshness has prompted a public outcry and caused the Israeli military to call off a highly touted training course in insubordination. More than 40 reserve soldiers who serve …

Jerusalem, September 7 – Israel’s High Court of Justice approved a draft law intended to impose harsher penalties on defendants convicted of terrorist activity, a bill that would condemn them to moderating the insipid, ignorant, spammy, or downright incomprehensible comments that appear with almost every video on You Tube. By agreement with Google, which owns …

Tel Aviv, September 1 – Casualty figures from the latest round of violence between Hamas and Israel have led the United Nations to impose oversight on Israeli military targeting systems, requiring the latter to have a feature that whenever it detects a potential target for the weapon, it shuts the system down. UN representatives from …

Tel Aviv, August 26 – Officials in Israel’s security apparatus are noting that in the ongoing conflict with Palestinian terrorist groups in the Gaza Strip, the Unpopular Front for the Liberation of Palestine has been silent. While Hamas, Islamic Jihad, and other militant groups have featured to varying degrees in the fighting, the Unpopular Front …

Gaza City, Gaza Strip, August 20 – A Fajr-5 missile struck the Mediterranean Sea off Tel Aviv today, in an attack Hamas says was aimed at Jews living in the water. It is but the latest move by the militant organization to strike terror in the hearts of Israelis. In the rocket salvo, one exploded …

Washington, DC, August 16 – President Obama took the case for a limited strike against ISIS targets to Congress this week, arguing that a contentious, politically fraught process an and uncertain outcome were the only way to ensure that no matter what the result, the US would emerge with a diminished standing. In an address …

Gaza City, August 15 – GL-5678832, a Chinese- made Grad missile, is the only unit in its lot of 32 missiles to remain unused in the recent Hamas-Israel conflict, and is questioning its self-worth. “I don’t know what they think is wrong with me,” it said. “I passed Quality Control. I’ve been properly assembled. Somebody …

Gaza City, August 14 – Claiming that the flowery Middle Eastern rhetoric of his organization has been misunderstood, Qassam Brigades commander Muhammad Dieff, who spearheads Hamas’s efforts to wipe Jews off the map, told reporters that the language of his group’s charter calling for the extermination of Jews should not be taken literally. “You must …

Cairo, Egypt, August 11 – Talks between the Islamic movement Hamas and Israel’s Egyptian proxies continued today as Hamas offered to back down from its demand that destruction of Israel and its Jews take place perpetually, instead proposing that the genocide take place only Monday through Friday every week. Negotiators for Israel and Palestinians met …

Washington, August 4 – Enthusiasts who follow the search for creatures such as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster are considering adding Hamas fighters to their list of creatures to find, since there appears to be no evidence in media reports from the Gaza Strip that such beings in fact exist. Cryptozoologists – whose field …

New York, July 28 – After Israel announced it will abide by the terms of a US-proposed halt to a three-week-old Israeli offensive against Hamas in the Gaza Strip, the United Nations Security Council denounced the Jewish State for nevertheless continuing to shoot down Hamas rockets aimed at Israeli communities. The US and Britain also …

A new regulation proposed by Britain will have attached to every IDF ground battalion at least four anti-Israel journalists.

Tel Aviv, July 17 – Representatives of several ecologically-minded organizations leveled criticism at Israel’s conduct of Operation Protective Edge today upon discovering that the IDF has been dropping thousands of leaflets to warn Gazans of impending airstrikes. They called the policy “abhorrent,” saying that such a wasteful use of paper betrays a callous, if not …

Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 12 – In what military experts around the world are calling a bold, gutsy strategy, militants of the Hamas movement in the Gaza Strip are bravely taking the risk of positioning themselves among noncombatants, despite the risk that as a result Israel might not attack them for fear of harming …

Originally posted November 2012 Gaza City, Gaza Strip – The Palestinian Red Crescent Society has warned that the coastal strip’s supply of fake human blood is close to depleted, and that as a result Hamas must increasingly resort to other forms of media manipulation in the ongoing battle for public perception with Israel. “Just last …

Tel Aviv, July 6 – Senior commanders of the Israel Defense Force and officials at the Ministry of Defense expressed their gratitutde today to whoever burned an Arab teenager to death last week, saying that thanks to the killing, they will only have to work five times as hard to keep Israel safe. Muhammad Abu …

Ramallah, July 2 – Palestinian security forces intend to increase their coordination with Israel on preventive security in the aftermath of the abduction and murder of three Israeli teenagers, by feigning sympathy for Israelis when such incidents occur. On Tuesday evening Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas directed the heads of the various security agencies he …

Geneva, June 28 – The United Nations Human Rights Council expressed misgivings today about the network of tunnels and underground bunkers constructed by Hamas in the Gaza Strip and elsewhere, noting that it is unlikely that the structures meet the requirements that would help guarantee the safety of the people using them. The Council heard …

Ofer Prison, North of Jerusalem, June 21 – Jailers at this military facility are preparing to replace the high-security gates and doors under their control with a set of revolving doors, which will better suit the government’s recent policy of arresting, incarcerating, releasing, and eventually rearresting the same terrorism activists. Door Le Door, a manufacturer …

Washington, DC, June 16 – US President Barack Obama called Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today to ask them to hold off on measures to secure the release of three Israeli teenagers kidnapped by Palestinians until Obama himself can be instrumental in dooming them. In the aftermath of the Obama …

“They might be imperialist pig-dogs, but they know how to handle rocket defense.” Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, June 9 – Sallah Odeh grew tired of Hamas rockets falling short of Israel and hitting his neighborhood, so he tried to build a small bomb shelter. Hamas representatives came by and confiscated the materials, saying they were …

Jenin, June 3 – Palestinian gunmen and would-be suicide bombers expressed their frustration today at the British Broadcasting Corporation, which appears to be ignoring every single one of their recent attempts to attack Israelis with lethal force. The BBC has not reported any of the rockets launched into Israel from the Gaza Strip in the …

Ofer Prison, near Jerusalem, May 28 – Hamed Abu Ris, 22, burst forth in a flood of incriminating information this morning after being forced to sit through an explanation of the differences between similarly named Talmudic figures. Abu Ris, a suspected member of the terrorist organization Hamas, was detained Sunday in a raid on a …

Beituniya, May 23 – Analysis of the video footage surrounding the apparent shooting death of a Palestinian youth last week has military experts concluding that the Palestinians have developed a new type of protester, one that emits no blood even when its exterior is pierced. If accurate, this assessment reflects a major technological innovation, as …

Tel Aviv, May 20 – Cuts in allocation from the Ministry of Finance have forced the Ministry of Defense to trim some of its programs, and among the first to go down the drain is the toilet training regime of the IDF. Long a regular component of the treatment soldiers receive upon entering service, the …

Tel Aviv, May 13 – After a comprehensive review, the Israel Defense Force has identified several areas in which it can do more to avoid violating the rights of Palestinian demonstrators, PreOccupied Territory has learned, including the use of NERF™ projectiles against rock-throwing youth. The IDF faces violent groups of Palestinians almost daily across Judea and …

Washington, May 6 – The Obama administration has been attempting to hide its head in the sand regarding the threats posed by Iran’s nuclear ambitions and by Palestinian militants, but the sheer size of the president’s ego-inflated cranium has made finding a sufficient quantity of sand unlikely. With the help of Secretary of State John …

Tel Aviv, April 28 – The director-general of Israel’s Ministry of Defense announced this morning that the large target painted on the roof of the ministry complex would be painted over, in keeping with a new directive to bring the decor of the ministry’s facilities into line with the ministry’s mission. Dan Harel told reporters …

Tel Aviv, April 21 – Faced with unprecedented levels of smugness that interferes with operations, the Israel Defense Forces have developed plans to remotely eliminate vegans, the source of 95% of that smugness. A recent threat analysis commissioned by the Israeli military pointed to rising self-righteousness in the local environment that would likely complicate the …

Geneva, April 14 – The United Nations International Force In Lebanon, whose mandate calls for monitoring the Israel-Lebanon border, has announced that it will begin to target specific populations to recruit, groups that have demonstrated the same level of impartial incompetence that UNIFIL has made famous. The first group, according to the announcement, will be …

Experts are divided on whether the study will have any impact on the way reporting is conducted. New York, April 4 – A new analysis of data suggests that it is possible for a reporter to mention that Palestinians have fired rockets at Israeli communities without first reporting that Israel has hit the Gaza Strip …

Gaza Strip, March 29 – Following the interdiction of an attempt to smuggle explosives or other weapons into the Gaza Strip via the Mediterranean, human rights organizations, Palestinians, and European government figures are accusing the Jewish state of refusing to accede to attempts to harm its people. Israel fired on a vessel transporting arms from …

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New York, March 22 – The United Nations Security Council reacted this morning with dismay to Israeli efforts to destroy a tunnel from the Gaza Strip, denouncing Israel for collectively punishing Gaza residents by denying all of them the ability to sneak into Israel and sow destruction or kidnap soldiers. “We condemn Israeli measures that …

Gaza City, Gaza Strip, March 13 – Leaders of various Palestinian factions are expressing their dismay today that Israel’s retaliation for rocket fire from the Gaza Strip did not kill any noncombatants. Israel attacked and killed the crew of a rocket launcher earlier this week as the crew was preparing to launch the weapon at …

Eshkol Regional Council, Israel, March 13 – The dozens of rockets launched from the Gaza Strip since yesterday have told PreOccupiedTerritory that they are trying to escape the clutches of Gaza militants. More than 60 rockets have attempted to escape the Gaza Strip since Wednesday afternoon. The Kassams, as they are known, have grown so …

Jenin, March 9 – A Palestinian man was killed this morning while attempting to attack Israelis with a car bomb, but was unable to drive the vehicle to his selected location. The vehicle he had been provided was a stick-shift transmission and he had only learned to drive automatic. The bomb exploded short of his …

Red Sea, March 6 – A cargo of M-302 missiles originating in Syria and intended for recipients in the Gaza Strip was set upon by Israeli naval commandos yesterday, who rudely took over the vessel they were on and deprived the rockets, which had never hurt anyone, of the chance to complete their journey. The …

Washington, DC, March 2 – As Russian troops flood into the Crimea region of Ukraine with a less-than-impressive American response, US President Barack Obama is trying not to look any Israelis in the eye lest they ask him what guarantees he can offer to assuage their concerns over security after their withdrawal from strategic areas. …

Ramallah, Palestinian Territories – After more than two decades of relying primarily on the simple, handheld “rock” device to register displeasure with Israeli military rule, West Bank Palestinians plan to bring more sophisticated weapons to bear. Rock 2.0 is expected to enter service in late 2014. The first Palestinian Intifada, or uprising, against Israeli occupation …

Tehran, February 18 – The Islamic Republic of Iran defended its pursuit of long-range ballistic missile technology, calling the endeavor a peaceful one, and criticized continued Western economic pressure on Iran aimed at stopping the program. President of Iran Hassan Rouhani lashed out at the US in particular, citing American “hypocrisy” at allowing its ally …

Jerusalem, February 13 – Logistical moves in Israel’s military point to preparations for a “gay” assault on Iran, according to reports obtained by PreOccupied Territory. The preparations come amid heightened tension over Iran’s nuclear capabilities and intentions, as well as its call for destruction of the Jewish State. The reports, citing unnamed officials in Israel’s …

London, February 9 – Veteran British Broadcasting Corporation reporter Peter Philips said today that he regretted reporting matter-of-factly on an attack by Palestinians against an Israeli motorist, and promised that he will redouble his efforts to always include something negative about Israel. In a news item last week, Philips was seen narrating a segment about …

By Barack Obama I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we have your back, Israel. If you ever want to see it again, do as I say. There’s been all sorts of talk of my administration throwing Israel under the the bus. Well, that’s just nonsense. At least until we get a bigger bus. …

The world has long since become used to the idea of euphemistically named programs to kill Jews: the Final Solution; Intifada; Resistance to the Occupation. Ramallah, West Bank, January 26 – Seeking to bolster his standing among Palestinians and wary of popularity gains by the rival Hamas faction, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas today issued …

Rome, Italy (AP) – US Secretary of State John Kerry spent most of yesterday afternoon and evening attempting to persuade Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu that the secretary’s chin was not fake, but reportedly did not succeed, sources present at the meeting say. The session in the Italian capital was originally slated for discussion of …

New York (AP) – The world was treated for a pulled jaw muscle today after yawning at the car bombing in a Beirut suburb yesterday. Doctors at New York’s Bellevue Hospital reported that that patient was admitted to the ER, treated, and released. A powerful explosion caused extensive damage and killed five passers by on …

Jerusalem (AP) – A spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today lamented Israel’s execution of Holocaust mastermind Adolf Eichmann in 1962, noting that the architect of the Final Solution could have been released with other killers of Jews this evening. 26 Palestinians imprisoned for the murders of Israelis in terrorism attacks over the last …

Kiryat Shmonah, Israel, December 29 (AP) – One of five rockets fired from Lebanon hit near this northern Israeli town today, and the IDF responded fiercely with dozens of artillery shells aimed at empty fields, rocky hillsides, and unpopulated cedar groves. The impressive display of deterrence came amid heightened tensions along the border, where an …

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – After several fruitless weeks of back-and-forth negotiations over so-called Final Status issues over which Israelis and Palestinians differ, the delegates to the talks have decided to abandon the effort and watch The Princess Bride repeatedly instead. The talks, conducted in secret, have apparently yielded no results yet on questions of: Palestinian refugees; the …

Washington, DC (AP) – President Obama has instructed the State Department to end its four-year-old attempt to convince Israelis to resolve the ongoing conflict with the Palestinians and other Arab nations by voluntarily drowning themselves in the Mediterranean Sea. The decision was greeted with disappointment by representatives of Turkey, Egypt, Jordan, and the Palestinian Authority. …

Sheikh Jarrah Quarter, Jerusalem (AP) – Fuad Abu Hamed, 46, got through the biggest snowstorm in the Levant in a generation by huddling together with his family through power outages in the bitter cold by telling himself the Jewish authorities would surely send along some crews to clear major arteries and fix hazards created by …

Khan Yunis refugee camp, Gaza Strip (AP) – Times may be tough, but Hamas designers are busy releasing their winter 2014 looks for the suicide-vest-wearing crowd, and the new offerings are to die for. Or in. Chief Hamas fashion designer Mahmoud A-Zahar has completely revamped the classic martyr look, replacing the traditional bulky vest and …