Tehran, July 20 - A consortium of Islamist groups escalated their rhetoric this week against the unwanted presence of “colonizing” Jews, this time with a focus on ridding the undesired demographic from the brains of those same Islamists and their supporters, where disproportionate space gets allocated to Jews.

“We must end this occupation once and for all,” urged a spokesman for the reclusive and possibly dead but just as likely gay Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei. “We cannot allow the Zionists to colonize our heads and not even pay rent. the best way to do that is by continuing our single-minded dedication to obsessing over them and granting them mental space instead of, I don’t know, working to give our people peace and prosperity.’

Sources confirm the jihadis have drawn up detailed plans for the operation, codenamed “Al-Aqsa Rent Control.” Phase One involves burning Israeli flags in downtown Amman while screaming at clouds. Phase Two calls for more TikTok videos explaining how the Mossad is responsible for their failed marriages and disappointing shawarma orders. Phase Three remains classified but reportedly includes throwing rocks at their own reflections.

“For too long we have allowed these Zionist squatters to live in our heads without paying a single dinar in property taxes,” said Qatari journalist Kharf al-Mukhtar, pausing to check under his bed for Israeli agents. “They have redecorated our dreams with Iron Dome batteries and startup incubators. This is psychological ethnic cleansing.”

Jihadi leaders vowed to intensify their campaign. “We will use every available weapon — conspiracy theories, Iranian cash, and very loud speakers at 3 a.m. — until the occupation ends,” al-Mukhtar declared. “And if that fails, we will simply blame the Jews for our failure too. It’s a win-win.”

Some disagreement over assumptions and priorities has arisen among the jihadists. An Iran-led group advocates for straight-up violence to rid Muslim and Muslim-supporting heads of space where Jews have occupied thoughts. Supporters of that approach point to the rich Islamic tradition of beheading.

A second group, chief among them Hamas, favors tunneling into the heads where Jews live rent-free, and going on a murderous, rapacious rampage.

Others such as western academics, activists, and student groups call for a boycott of all brains that grant space to Jews. This group notes that since BDS activists already choose to practice what they preach only for products and services they would not use anyway, this approach fits right into that framework.

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