Defense

Palestinian arson produces potential ecological benefits, such as reduction of overpopulation, specifically of Jews.

“I think the ‘tank’ looks silly too, but that Battleship Potemkin Village has sailed.”

Like an increase of hundreds of thousands of Palestinian Arabs in Jerusalem, a statistic that obviously proves Israel is getting rid of them.

Waze began as an Israeli startup; the poetry of the history is not lost on the proposal’s proponents.

It appears that the IDF consists exclusively of those elite commando-type troops, calling into question the country’s readiness for various likely types of military conflict.

“We came this close to giving legitimacy to Jewish lives and presence in the Jewish homeland. Major violation of our company policy.”

“Which features, exactly, of post-stone-age life do we enjoy at present?”

The ‘Lethal Exchange’ reports claimed American police departments learned brutal tactics from the Israeli security apparatus.

Ever-more-explicit irritation among once-stalwart allies that Palestinians do nothing but whine and demand priority.

“What did those windows and window treatments ever do to Israel?”

“I hear it’s got this Jewish Space Laser that just blasts planets into little bits of rock.”

They’ve gotten so practiced that even Palestinian emergency medical personnel get misled.

Abbas’s contention that bullets do not grow on trees belies the truth that Palestinian-governed areas are awash with firearms and ammunition. Ramallah, April 16 – The President of the Palestinian Authority bowed to mounting international pressure today and issued a belated denunciation of a fatal attack on a family of Israelis the week before last …

The mob dispersed and its former participants returned to their previous activities atop the sacred plateau, such as soccer, jump-rope, tag, and relay races.

“We must adapt to the changing face of the threat.” Tel Aviv, March 16 – Israeli security officials disclosed today that they are considering modifications to the robust defense mechanisms against terrorism to account for the increased use of minors by terrorist groups, including measures such as a shorter Separation Wall, earlier bedtimes for juvenile …

“They didn’t have to kill thousands of people who were going to kill them. They could have shot them in the leg.” Brighton, March 7 – Anti-Israel activists cited the sacred Hebrew text at the heart of today’s observance of the Purim holiday, which commemorates a planned massacre of an ethnic minority in the Achaemenid …

He cited Qaraqe’s devotion to soccer as a way to get you to see him as less monstrous, and, perhaps eventually, to see him not as a murderer at all, because Palestinians are automatically snowflake princesses. Ramallah, February 22 – An online activist attempting to both downplay or glorify the life and death of a man …

Authentic Palestinian interests are even more anti-Israel than wanting all Israelis violently dead. New York, February 13 – Online warriors campaigning for the Palestinian cause have concluded that the elected government of Palestinians, which pays lifetime stipends to the perpetrators – and the perpetrators’ families – for attacks against Israelis, glorifies those attackers, educates children to …

“I’m considering one of the less-prominent groups to major in – big fish, small pong, you know the deal.” Ramallah, February 2 – A sophomore at Bir Zeit University closing in on the deadline to select a focus for his course of study toward a Bachelor’s Degree admitted today he feels too torn to decide …

“We propose to name the Rothosecond, in honor of [former Human Rights Watch director] Kenneth Roth, who manifests the phenomenon with remarkable consistency.” Geneva, January 25 – Researchers at the European Organization for Nuclear Research announced today the results of a raft of experiments aimed at defining the briefest possible unit of time in physics, …

“…even if some children are already over the age of eighteen. In our rhetoric we will still call such adult children ‘children’ if they are martyred.” Ramallah, January 16 – The cash-strapped Palestinian Authority, reeling from a sharp drop in international donations and from its commitment to paying the families of terrorists a generous lifetime pension, has …

“It’s a lot more relatable than Napoleon or Bagration.” Amman, January 5 – Aspiring officers in the army of the Hashemite Kingdom began a new unit of their regimen this week, in which they will examine the tactical and operational principles governing the desecration of the burial sites of other faiths, as demonstrated during and …

Jewish refusal to accept Palestinian Muslim attacks with appropriate resignation is a blasphemous undermining of the proper order of things. Ramallah, December 27 – Opponents of Jewish control over Jewish security continued today to assail the world’s only Jewish state for the impudent practice of protecting Jews from attack from the region’s majority population, characterizing …

“A plentiful supply of depressed people under our aegis.” Nablus, December 15 – Public health authorities in both the Gaza Strip and the self-rule areas of the West Bank have launched a streamlined process to address a troubling increase in the number of citizens who have expressed a desire to kill themselves, according to the Ministry …

“We have to focus on targeting people whose governments and communities will act with predictable weakness they label ‘restraint’ or some other nonsense.” Nablus, December 7 – Unwanted tensions with a different Arab demographic following the abduction and murder of a hospitalized teenager have prompted an adjustment of policy on the part of the official …

A bunch of racists who decide how to treat people based on citizenship rather than race. Jerusalem, November 28 – Observers noted again today that Israel’s discrimination against Arabs extends, in its depravity, to granting Arab citizens of Israel privileges over non-citizen Arabs such as Palestinians, including all the individual rights and privileges that Jewish …

“Jews must be very, very wary of defending themselves if that might impinge on the freedom of those doing the attacking.” Tel Aviv, November 17 – More than seventy years’ worth of Jews defending themselves against Arab violence, and acting to prevent or punish such violence, took on, in some depictions today, the characterization of those …

Biden will rush to explain that Israel probably deserves it. Tel Aviv, November 8 – The White House sought today to reinforce its support for a maritime boundary and resource-sharing agreement between the the Jewish State and its northern neighbor Lebanon, assuring officials at the Ministry of Defense in this city that if the Iran-backed …

“The world was an entirely peaceful place until the Zionists came and disturbed everything.” Tel Aviv, October 30 – International organizations calling attention to the Jewish State’s actions and how they affect Palestinians stressed the importance today of maintaining focus and pressure on the country and its government because of those actions, which take place …

“Palestinian threats have become part of the background noise, part of the scenery, like pigeons crapping all over everything and everyone in Trafalgar Square.” Ramallah, October 19 – Leaders of various Palestinian factions threatened today that if British Prime Minister Liz Truss orders her country’s diplomatic representatives in Israel to make Jerusalem their headquarters in recognition …

If Israel does as China does, the thinking goes, Israel-bashing will dissipate. Tel Aviv, October 6 – Ministry of Defense officials refused to deny reports today that the Jewish State’s international intelligence and operations arm has granted preliminary approval to a plan that calls for the capture and imprisonment in hard conditions of a sect …

Anachronistic framing by anti-Zionists and other antisemites has a venerable history. New York, September 22 – The leader of a pro-Palestinian group at the City University of New York leveled a new charge at the people he accuses of oppressing and dispossessing Palestinians, arguing that those people cannot, as they claim, serve as an answer …

The Before-Interment Alteration System, or BIAS. Tel Aviv, September 12 – Israeli military and Defense Ministry officials voiced concern today over a device that various terrorist factions appear to have in their possession, one that takes any corpse of a gun-wielding, bomb-planting, firebomb-throwing, or knife-brandishing Arab and transforms it into a “youth” or “child,” as reflected …

“I don’t know where these scumbags got the idea that they could just rumble in and steal our perfectly legitimate theft.” North of Jerusalem, September 5 – Two groups of activists with financial backing from separate German political entities clashed today when both attempted to construct unauthorized buildings in territory allocated to Israel under agreements …

“‘Apartheid’ is the hot term right now.” Gaza City, August 25 – Reports of Israel’s military neutralizing yet another underground passage from this coastal territory into the Jewish State has challenged human rights groups to find ways that they can spin such a development to portray Israel as evil, with the approach that shows the most …

“It’s a longtime problem,” agreed Abbig Hattub, assistant manager of a Jericho-area water park that has never cut back on its water use. Jericho, August 16 – A high-ranking functionary of Mahmoud Abbas’s government blamed Israel for exacerbating the shortage of natural and agricultural resources, observing that to keep his spa, garden, and swimming facilities functioning, …

“We get much more political mileage out of killing our own children than killing theirs.” Gaza City, August 7 – Militant leaders in this coastal territory have come to appreciate that the propaganda value of dead Gazan children outweighs even Israeli military casualties, and have therefore begun to calibrate their weapons to fall short within the …

“These are rightfully Lebanese platforms, and as such, we are relieving Lebanon of the headaches associated with them.” Beirut, July 27 – The Shiite militia that effectively controls Lebanon on behalf of its Iranian masters unveiled an ambitious program today to help extract the country from its current economic disaster: destroying access to fossil fuel …

“Sticking to the ‘Israeli Occupation Slaughters Innocent Palestinian Child’ model has served us well and has shown no signs of losing its utility.” Jenin, July 18 – Divisions emerged among propagandists for the jihadist militants targeting the Jews of the Jewish homeland over the last several weeks, with one major faction insisting that their movement …

Israel’s penetration of Iran’s security apparatus is so thorough and comprehensive that whoever gets shuffled into new positions is just as likely, and perhaps more likely, than his predecessor, to be working for the Mossad. Tehran, July 7 – A spate of security failures and breaches in sensitive areas of the Islamic Republic’s military-industrial apparatus that …

“Familiarize yourselves with the concept of a ‘queue,’ a neat line of people who wait their turns for something instead of pushing to the front.” Istanbul, June 28 – Anti-terrorism and defense officials in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv told citizens abroad today to leave various other countries in the region because Tehran has already sought to …

“Just look at what we accuse them of, and if you doubt our accusations you’re racist.” Jerusalem, June 16 – A new front emerged in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict this week when already-rampant Holocaust denial among Palestinians fused with the decades-old libel of Jewish genocide of Palestinians to produce the charge that the world’s oldest and premier …

IDF representatives continued the Israeli military’s anemic equivocation on the matter. Jenin, May 30 – Major media continued their uncritical parroting of anti-Israel propaganda today while treating Israeli claims with skepticism, with one leading outlet stating as fact that the same nonexistent IDF gunman who they previously reported as having targeted an Al-Jazeera journalist during …

“There’s been no organized effort to kill reporters and blame Israel. That changes with this initiative.” Jenin, May 19 – A militant terrorist group focused on removing Jewish sovereignty from the Levant in the name of Allah has commissioned new fatigues for its fighters in the wake of hubbub over a journalist killed during the …

“Detached-from-reality conspiracy theories about Jewish power and nefariousness can only be explained by Jews using advanced technology to plant those theories in non-Jewish brains to discredit proper suspicion of Jews as criminal masterminds on an epic scale.” Atlanta, May 10 – A local resident believe he has figured out the devious method by which Jews …

The equipment will also assist Ukraine in the identification and exposure of mass graves. Tel Aviv, April 28 – Months of pressure from Kiev and from other diplomatic and activist sources have persuaded the Ministry of Defense of the Jewish state to provide more than medical and humanitarian assistance in the face of a Russian …

The Middle East rainy season ended last month. Sde Boker, Negev Desert, April 19 – The American secretary of state gathered in this community two weeks ago with leaders from around the region who came together in the face of the growing Iranian menace – and in the face of an American presidential administration apparently keen …

“The Zionist usurper of our lands has always shown particular cruelty to the defenseless.” Gaza City, April 7 – A spokesman for the Islamist militant group that governs this blockaded Mediterranean territory accused Israel of abusive, violent, sexist behavior in using its missile defense batteries to destroy the organization’s airborne missiles, since those weapons see …

“We can’t even do that job by ourselves. We need Russian air power just to kill our own.” Damascus, March 29 – Veterans and observers of Baser Assad’s forces have noticed a steady diminishment in the motivation of those forces over the decades, as the bravado of “we will push the Jews into the sea” …

“Israel’s thwarting of the delivery can only be seen as cruelty for the sake of cruelty.” London, March 20 – Prominent figures in Britain’s Labour Party expressed outrage today upon learning that several bouquets they had dispatched to the Palestinian Territories in tribute to three gunmen who met their ends in confrontation with the IDF instead …

Israel’s Arab and Muslim foes have been relegated to an area barely more than a hundred times Israel’s size, and they feel the squeeze. Jerusalem, March 9 – An ethnic cohort composing the overwhelming majority of the Middle East’s demographics has managed to convince Western media and politicians that in fact they constitute the weaker …

“At least Palestinians have the support of antisemites who astroturf that cause, because it opposes Jewish safety.” Idlib, March 20 – Residents of this Arab Republic who lost loved ones to aerial bombing by Russia’s air force, or who suffered injury and displacement themselves as a result of such strikes, voiced their recognition this week …

Israel allows non-military items to enter Gaza without restriction, and Hamas officials suspect the Mossad has exploited that unrestricted importation channel to administer torture. Gaza City, February 17 – Counterintelligence operatives of the Islamist movement that governs this coastal territory believe that Israeli agents have engineered an additional measure of torment for the residents of …

“I can’t have it both ways, and I’m having a hard time picking which one offers more in terms of attention and emotional valence.” Hebron, Palestinian Territories, February 8 – A conspiracy-minded local resident finds himself caught between two conflicting accusations of mendacity on the part of Jews, the man confessed today, as he faces …

Analysts cautioned that the interception of the threat today does not guarantee other threats to cushy pensions will not emerge. Tel Aviv, January 27 – Senior military officials and officers congratulated one another today on a successful demonstration of an innovative, airborne threat-neutralization system that today downed an incoming law aimed at curtailing the cushy retirement packages that …

Hamas’s diversion of aid materials and funds from public works to its own military purposes translates into inadequate drainage for the Gaza Strip. Gaza City, January 19 – Palestinian public figures prominent pro-Palestine activists warned today that this winter’s precipitation to date has failed to overwhelm the drainage infrastructure in this coastal territory more than …

Palestinian public health authorities now worry that confidence in their pronouncements and guidelines will suffer as a result. Kibbutz Kissufim, near the Gaza border, January 10 – A Hamas fighter who relied on guidance from Palestinian public health authorities in shielding himself from threats now fights for his life in Shifa Hospital following an exchange …

Malley and his team had assumed a pinky-swear from Iran’s negotiators signified a reliable commitment to change direction. Washington, December 30 – Senior American diplomatic officials voiced their dismay today upon discovering that despite extraction by those officials of a commitment from Tehran, backed by a binding gesture involving the fifth finger, not to underwrite, …

Hezbollah has staff dedicated to setting up and creating such photographs, then getting internationally trusted news outlets to carry them. Beirut, December 21 – A suspicious blaze struck a facility in the Lebanese capital yesterday where the Iran-backed Shiite militia that in effect governs the country keeps most of the children’s toys and stuffed animals …

Progressive organizations followed up the letter with an online drive to get activists outside Israel to convey to their governments the importance of addressing the crucial issue of misgendered Israeli prisons. Ofer Prison, north of Jerusalem, December 9 – Human Rights groups accused Israel’s military today of inhumane treatment of Palestinian detainees, including such unnecessarily …