Tehran, September 8 - Officials of the Islamic Republic expressed satisfaction today at the extent to which the Jewish State - which the Islamic Republic has vowed to eliminate, in part by means of regional proxy terrorist groups - has brought its own demise closer by removing those proxy groups’ capacity to deal any significant harm.

“The Zionists have fallen into our trap,” boasted a spokesman for the still-never-seen-in-public Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei. “They think that by destroying Hamas, Palestinian Islamic Jihad, and Hezbollah, they neutralize our ability to destroy them, when in fact, that is precisely our plan!” The spokesman declined to specify the mechanism by which the degradation of those groups hostile to Israel - and the degradation of Iran’s own air defense and nuclear weapons development apparatus - might hasten Israel’s end.

“That’s, uh, a state secret. Yeah,” he insisted.

Ministry of Foreign Affairs analysts circulated a confidential briefing— promptly leaked, as is traditional—describing the campaign as “phase four of a multi-decade masterpiece.” Phase one, the document explained, involved funding, arming, and theological tutoring of militias from Gaza to Beirut. Phase two required those militias to fire rockets, kidnap civilians, and otherwise advertise Iran’s regional reach. Phase three called for Israel to respond. Phase four, now underway, consists of Israel doing so thoroughly that Tehran can declare the resulting vacuum a strategic triumph.

“Every command bunker collapsed, every missile depot vaporized, every mid-level operative castrated by beeper is another brick in the wall of Zionist self-destruction,” said Dr. Farhad Qassemzadeh of the Institute for the Study of Inevitable Outcomes. “The Jews are so preoccupied with not being murdered that they fail to notice they are implementing our endgame. Also, please ignore the part of the briefing about our own radars, enrichment halls, and senior officers. Those were decoys. Extremely expensive decoys. With families.”

Asked whether a plan that leaves Iran with fewer proxies, fewer air-defense batteries, and fewer un-exploded centrifuges still qualifies as a plan to destroy Israel, Revolutionary Guard spokesman Hossein Taarofi nodded for several seconds before answering. “You are thinking in Western linear terms. We think in circles. Sometimes the circle is on fire. That is also the plan.”

Western diplomats, briefed on the remarks, said they found the rhetoric of a piece with prior Iranian communications, in that it was internally inconsistent and delivered with confidence. One European envoy noted that if the strategy continues at the present pace, the Islamic Republic may soon defeat Zionism by possessing no remaining instruments with which to attempt it.

Officials in Tehran called that observation further proof the trap had closed. “See?” the Supreme Leader’s spokesman added, already backing toward a side door. “They are explaining our victory for us. Proceeding apace.”

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