Showing 421–480 of 622 articles · Page 8 of 11
Mossad Furious At Rogue Agent For Making Hillary Collapse The agent has a history of vigilante and maverick behavior, but his skills, personal contacts, and resourcefulness remain unmatched. New York, September 13 – Senior commanders in Israel’s secret intelligence service voiced frustration and anger yesterday with an operative who went against explicit orders by causing Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to lose consciousness and …
Imam To Lead Customary Security Council Reading Of Mein Kampf “This way we can allow the values we share to shine through.” New York, September 8 – In what organizers are calling a manifestation of religious tolerance, for the first time a Muslim religious leader will ceremonially introduce a session of the United Nations Security Council, directing the delegates in a joint recitation of passages from …
Sweden Seeks Volunteers To Be Raped, Make Refugees Feel Welcome “The best thing we can do for these people seeking a better life is to emulate the places they are fleeing as closely as possible.” Stockholm, September 4 – The Swedish Ministry of Justice and Migration has launched a program to recruit women volunteers for purposes of undergoing sexual assault and forced coitus by Muslim migrants …
Penn & Teller To Revive ‘Bulls**t!’ To Debunk Palestinian Claims “We’ve always had a nagging sense that we needed to go back and tackle this topic.” Las Vegas, August 30 – A duo of prominent stage magicians known for their outspoken stances on political issues and for their vocal support of skepticism toward many widely-held beliefs have announced they will produce a once-off revival of their …
Burqini-Banning France: Trump Racist For Restricting Muslim Entry “It goes against everything Western society stands for, to discriminate against Muslims like that,” he said of Trump’s proposal. Cannes, August 24 – A country where ten separate municipalities have enacted a prohibition against attire traditionally worn by Muslim women is calling the American Republican presidential candidate racist for proposing tighter controls over Muslims seeking …
Obama To Unveil Kenyan Birth Certificate Day After Leaving Office “He’s been sitting on this thing forever,” said one staffer. Washington, August 18 – Sources close to US President Barack Obama reported today that immediately after returning to private life, the president intends to finally lay to rest questions of his legitimacy for the office he held for eight years, by releasing the original copy of …
Study: Banning Burkhas OK As Long As Anyone But Israel Does It One of the key prerequisites for improper discrimination to be defined as such, according to objective international standards, is that it be perpetrated by Jews. Cannes, August 15 – New scientific research has confirmed a long-suspected hypothesis according to which discriminatory policies against Muslims are acceptable in places such as France, Russia, and elsewhere, but …
Amnesty Launches App Detailing How Each Killing In Rio Israel’s Fault “Our Rio Platform should put paid to the notion that we have some sort of obsessive focus on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.” Rio de Janeiro, Augist 10 – One of the world’s leading human rights organizations has launched an interactive database app that shows how Israel is to blame for each of the civilian deaths taking place …
Unprecedented Trouble For 2016 Games Definitely Mossad’s Doing “I think we all know who stands to gain from disaster on an international scale.” Rio de Janeiro, August 3 – This year’s Olympic Summer Games, scheduled to open on August 5, have seen a level of controversy and mismanagement unmatched in all prior Olympiads, leading observers to conclude that only the Israeli secret intelligence service …
France Removes Jewish Citizens From WWII Death Statistics It is in keeping with France’s newfound – which is to say, rediscovered – honesty over how the society feels about Jews. Paris, August 1 – Following the omission of Jews from the litanies of terrorist attack victims in France over the last several years, the country’s official historians have similarly revised downward the tally of World …
BDSers Clash With DNC Protesters Over Buying Israeli Flags To Burn “You can’t use those!” they yelled. “Every time you buy one you support Occupation!” Philadelphia, July 28 – Demonstrators outside the Democratic National Convention at the Wells Fargo Center in the City of Brotherly Love became enmeshed in a vociferous dispute today after advocates of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel discovered that other …
Lacking Jews To Blame, Residents Of Exoplanet Forced To Solve Own Problems “We’re not blessed the way Earth is with a minority that can be conveniently and universally blamed for all ills.” Kepler-62f, Lyra constellation, July 24 – The inhabitants of this rocky spheroid in orbit around the star Kepler-62 have been coerced by circumstances into addressing and developing solutions for problems that Earthlings would avoid by …
Security Council Endorses Plan To Nuke Africa “The instability and piracy of Somalia will probably mean a double dose of ICBMs.” New York, July 19 – The United Nations Security Council voted 12-3 today to accept a joint European-American proposal to bring the horrific violent conflicts in Africa to an end by obliterating all human life there with nuclear weapons. Protracted civil …
Hitler Accuses Trump Campaign Of Plagiarizing Nazi Playbook “You can tell he’s taking a page out my playbook – no, he’s taking my playbook and using it without permission, the bastard.” Cleveland, July 19 – Amid the backlash against apparent plagiarism by the wife of the presumptive GOP presidential nominee in her speech at the Republican National Convention, former German Chancellor Adolph Hitler …
‘Students For Justice In Western Sahara’ Protests Nonexistence Students for Justice in Tibet, Students for Justice in Crimea, Students for Justice in Nagorno-Karabakh, and several other nonexistent groups expressed varying degrees of agreement. New York, July 14 – While the plight of the Palestinians gets much attention on college and university campuses across the US, grassroots student movements in support of other people …
Heterosexual Male Told To Check Privilege At Gas Chamber Door “I’m a homosexual, so the Nazis are doing this to me for two separate reasons, as opposed to your measly one.” Oswiecim, German-occupied Poland, July 11 – Some of the newly-arrived Jews being packed naked into the gas chamber at the Birkenau extermination facility have told others they may not weigh in the situation without …
Nazis Upset At Trump Appropriation Of Sheriff Symbol “At least the The Donald hasn’t explicitly disavowed the support of white supremacists.” Boise, July 6 – Followers of Hitlerian National Socialism objected today to Donald Trump’s presidential campaign’s use of a “sheriff’s star” in an image targeting opponent Hillary Clinton, noting that their movement first employed the star as an identifier of undesirables more …
NJ Lawmakers To Take Turns Giving Wedgies To BDS Advocates “Some issues are too important to be subjected to partisan politics.” Trenton, June 29 – As part of a legislative package passed on Monday that barred the state pension fund from investing in companies that boycott Israel, New Jersey General Assembly and Senate members also initiated a mandated weekly activity in which one lawmaker will …
In Compromise, Obama To Ban Muslim Guns Firearms are shielded by the Second Amendment, not the First. Washington, June 27 – This morning, President Obama ordered the immediate implementation of a ban on all firearms of the Muslim persuasion from entering the US, following weeks of tension over gun control, immigration, Islamic terrorism, and prejudice against gays that followed a shooting attack …
World Waiting To See How Jews Have Decided UK Will Vote “No matter what the result, we have a way of explaining how it benefits Jewish control of the world.” London, June 23 – Observers across the globe are watching the progress and outcome of Britain’s referendum today, anxious to discover whether the Jews who control global affairs have ruled that the UK will remain in …
European White Blood Cells More Likely To Let Pathogens In Unmolested “I wonder if this is borne out statistically in the public health realm,” said Infectious Diseases specialist Angela Merkel of Berlin University. Göttingen, June 19 – Scientists at the University of Göttingen have discovered that the cells responsible for fighting off infection in in the bodies of Europeans do not respond as aggressively to bacteria …
Study: Some Of Sanders Best Friends Jewish “This should be useful,” said Donald Drumpf, a New York businessman with a keen interest in demographic studies. Burlington, June 14 – A recent examination of the various social relationships involving Senator Bernie Sanders indicates that a number of his more intimate acquaintances have Jewish ancestry or faith. The challenger to Hillary Clinton for the …
Academic Radical Proposes Anthropological Assoc. Discuss Anthropology “There hasn’t been a crisis this big in the AAA since the Vietnam War,” said Executive Director Ed Liebow. Arlington, VA, June 8 – At the headquarters of this 10,000-strong organization, academics are reeling from the suggestion by one of its more extreme members that the American Anthropological Association engage in the heretofore unspeakable practice …
UK Labour Sea Bed Survey Finds No Evidence Of Antisemitism “We can now put this unfortunate episode behinds us,” intoned Corbyn. London, June 2 – A study of the sea floor commissioned by the Labour Party to look for evidence of bias against Jews has concluded that the phenomenon does not exist, the party’s leader announced today. MP Jeremy Corbyn told reporters that an exhaustive survey of …
Obama Apologizes For Hiroshima Getting Nuked Instead Of Israel Israel only came into existence in 1948 as a state, and could therefore not be selected as a target when nuclear weapons first became available. Hiroshima, Japan, May 29 – US President Barack Obama paid a historic visit to the first place ever struck by atomic weapons in hostility and apologized for the carnage it …
Sanders Not Sure He’s Made His Tolerance For Terrorism Clear Enough “Have we been consistently on message in that respect?” Burlington, May 24 – Senator Bernie Sanders told campaign staff last night that he still has concerns that he had not made his acceptance of Islamic terrorism sufficiently plain to the electorate, campaign sources reported this morning. At a late-night strategy meeting at his campaign headquarters, the …
Report: Sex, Personal Hygiene A Jewish Mind-Control Plot Refraining from hygiene, as it turns out, also contributes to a reduced likelihood of sex. Atlanta, May 19 – A new study by the Centers for Disease Control suggests that people only engage in sex and personal hygiene practices when under the control or influence of Jewish puppetmasters. Researchers at the Public Health and Policy …
Venezuela To Nationalize Poverty, Violence Prudent stewardship of government-managed riots, hunger, and general unrest has the potential to make up for lost oil revenue. Caracas, May 15 – As the economy worsens and the prospect of forcible government action to forestall the closure of factories becomes more likely, President Nicolas Maduro, wary of leaving the risks to the vagaries of …
Study Links UK Labor Antisemitism With Days Ending In Y Experts warned that correlation does not imply causation. London, May 11 – An analysis of the scale and drivers of antisemitism in Britain’s Labor Party has found a statistically significant correlation between the phenomenon and days ending in the letter y, researchers have confirmed. Researchers at the Institute for Demographic Investigation of Objectionable Topics (IDIOT) looking …
PR Expert Suggests Nazis Call Victims ‘Zionists’ Instead Of ‘Jews’ “It requires only a semantic change, not a policy alteration in the slightest.” Berlin, May 5 – A consultant in Public Relations has suggested to the leadership of the Nazi Party that they will encounter less international opposition to their anti-Jewish policies if they use the term “Zionists” instead of “Jews” in their propaganda. Al E. Abunima …
May 1: Gov’ts Issue Postage Stamp With Large-Font List Of Successful Communist Regimes It will be available at post offices the entire month of May, or until hoarders and black marketeers make them unobtainable by standard means. London, May 1 – In honor of the international socialist workers’ holiday on this date, governments around the world have jointly issued a new postage stamp that features, in large typeface, a …
UNESCO Mulling Denial Of Egyptian Connection To Pyramids “We were looking for ideas that would convey the same seriousness as when this body addresses Israel.” Geneva, April 20 – On the heels of a resolution ignoring the Jewish pedigree of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem, and accusing Israel of forging roots in the land by planting what it called fake graves, the United …
Obama Hires Bill Cosby To Reassure Americans To Trust Iran Deal “Nobody invites trust the way Bill Cosby does.” Washington, April 13 – Amid continued revelations that the Obama administration has failed to push back against Iran’s repeated violations of the nuclear deal struck last year, the president has engaged the services of trusted comic icon Bill Cosby to reassure worried citizens that all is going according to …
Clinton Wonders Why Labor Pols Can’t Just Delete Antisemitic Evidence “Obviously, the most prudent political course involves not expressing certain things at all – it’s best not to have any actual personal convictions other than ‘say what will get you elected’.” Chappaqua, NY, April 10 – The frontrunner for the Democratic Party presidential nomination expressed puzzlement today at continued revelations of antisemitism among British Labor …
Obama To Delay Formal Conversion To Islam Till Retirement Predictions differ over whether a post-presidency conversion will have real political implications. Washington, DC, April 4 – Barack Obama has decided to wait until after he completes his presidency to undergo formal adoption of Islam as his faith, White House sources announced today. At the daily press briefing this morning, spokesman Josh Earnest told reporters that …
N Korea Bitter Iran Gets More Rewards For Violating Nuke Deal “The double standard glares.” Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, March 30 – Leaders of the rogue North Korean state expressed jealousy and resentment today that Iran’s violations of its agreements with the West over the country’s nuclear weapons program had only produced better treatment from those powers, whereas North Korea’s refusal to adhere to …
After Brussels Attacks, Europe Promises Stronger Cowardice “We know better than to let a fascist ideology creep across the continent without taking forceful measures of abject surrender in response.” Brussels, March 23 – The deadly terrorist attacks in the Belgian capital Tuesday have sparked a fierce desire across the Continent to depart from the complacency and accommodation of the past in the face …
Shoe Stolen By Mossad Sure It Will Go Home Any Day Now “It’s nice and quiet here, but I’ll be going back to my mate and to Asghar soon, and that will be nice, too.” London, March 16 – A piece of footwear surreptitiously taken from the residence of a British Muslim activist last summer still anticipates its imminent return to his closet, sources at a Mossad …
Man Denied Visa Thinks He’s So Important That Zionists Did It “Ego does funny things to the brain.” Canberra, March 14 – A pro-Palestinian activist whose application for a visa to enter Australia was denied believes for some reason that he is so prominent and dangerous that the sinister forces of the International Zionist Conspiracy™ saw to it that the application was rejected, as if they have …
BDS Protesters Using Banners Made In Jewish Settlements “It was a last-minute choice between standing by our principles and making our voice heard. So of course we used the signs.” Berkeley, March 10 – Advocates of a boycott against Israel have been using placards, signs, banners, and other protest materials manufactured by Israelis living in controversial settlements, PreOccupied Territory has learned. At a …
Trump Dangerous For World, Say Europeans Importing Jihad Trump’s intolerance contrasts with those unwilling to adopt Western values of tolerance, the State’s monopoly on force, or equality. Frankfurt, March 6 – European political and public figures responsible for the influx of countless radical Islamists onto the Continent warned today that Donald Trump presents a serious threat to the economy and stability of the …
Putin Pleased At Progress Of Plot To Install President Trump The Terrible Republican Ugly Man for President (TRUMP) project is proceeding according to plan. Moscow, March 2 – Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated his staff today on the successful completion of yet another phase in the project to undermine his country’s chief economic and political rival by causing them to elect Donald Trump as the …
Kerry Suggests Giving GOP $100 Billion To Bolster Moderates After all, it worked with Iran. Washington, February 25 – As the presidential campaign heats up, Secretary of State John Kerry weighed in on the prospect of a Republican victory in November by proposing a repeat of the diplomatic success he arranged with Iran last year to induce the party establishment to moderate its views …
Amid Gang Rapes, Europeans Unsure: Blame Victims Or Israel? “Israeli insistence on its own security, sovereignty, and survival disempowers Muslims, whose culture takes Islamic superiority for granted.” Stockholm, February 21 – As a trend of sexual assaults on women continues, perpetrated by groups of immigrant men from Muslim countries, disagreement has arisen among European politicians, journalists, and pundits regarding whom to blame for the phenomenon: …
Oxford Students Majoring In Antisemitism Might Be Unable To Finish A scramble ensued in the Sociology and Political Science departments in the wake of the announcement. Oxford, February 17 – Students pursuing an academic degree in Jew-hatred at one of the world’s oldest and most prestigious universities may now face the prospect of having their program eliminated, an administrative official said today. Facing reports that …
BDS Supporters Strain Muscle Patting Selves On Back “Jews are collectively responsible for Palestinian suffering, and for using collective punishment.” Davis, California, February 10 – A group of activists campaigning for the boycott of, divestiture from, and sanctions against Israel reported to the Health Services Unit at the University of California campus today complaining of shoulder, neck, and upper back pain after an …
EU To Fund New Panthers After Broncos Demolish Them Commission President Wroclaw Buttinski told reporters the program will be modeled very closely on the prototype activities in Israeli-controlled territory. Charlotte, February 8 – Following the dismantling of a Carolina Panthers squad by the Denver Broncos on Sunday, the foreign policy arm of the European Union announced that it would fund the reconstruction of the …
CBS Joins Competition, Opens Distorted Israel Headlines Dept. It will no longer leave the tendentious headline-writing only to the likes of CNN, The New York TImes, Reuters, AP, Agence France-Presse, The Guardian, The Times of London, and Al Jazeera. New York, February 3 – The Columbia Broadcasting Corporation took a major step today toward establishing its credentials as a major player in reportage of the …
Kerry To Female Staff: Wear Burkhas When I Phone Zarif Kerry will also examine the benefits of removing the Israeli flag from the lobby of the State Department. Washington, January 30 – US Secretary of State John Kerry ordered the women among his office’s staff to don modest attire in keeping with Islamic sensibilities when he is on his daily phone conversations with Iran’s Foreign …
Broncos-Patriots Game Apparently Not Only Event In World Yesterday Rumors included continued fighting in Syria and Iraq, terrorist attacks on Israelis, and something called “ISIL.” Boston, January 25 – Unconfirmed reports from around the globe appear to indicate that Sunday’s American Football Conference championship game between the teams representing New England and Denver was not the only occurrence of significance yesterday, officials say. US …
Obama Jealous Palestinians Get To LITERALLY Stab Israel In Back “I often still yearn for that hands-on involvement in causes in which I believe.” Washington, January 21 – US President Barack Obama expressed support for the Palestinian struggle for statehood today, admitting that he harbored some envy for them over the fact that he is currently forced to settle for stabbing Israel in the back …
Man Torn Between Far-Right Jew-Hatred, Far-Left Jew-Hatred “Do I hate Jews because I identify with the oppressed nonwhite, or do I hate Jews because I want to defend my white heritage from them?” Berkeley, January 17 – A local man attracted to antisemitic and anti-Israel rhetoric is unable to decide whether the radical right antisemites or the radical left antisemites put forth …
BDS Sorry Didn’t Get Chance To Hound David Bowie About Israel Former Pink Floyd front man Roger Waters said he had been hoping to give Bowie a self-righteous piece of his mind. London, January 12 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement targeting Israel reacted to the passing of rock legend David Bowie yesterday by expressing regret that they never got the opportunity to harass, …
Btselem: Ratting On Anne Frank Was Following The Law “What the Frank family, from Otto on down, was doing was nothing less than a crime.” Amsterdam, January 8 – The human rights organization Btselem defended the unknown persons who revealed Anne Frank’s hiding place in this city, saying that whoever did so was reporting a crime, which should be a good thing. Organization spokeswoman …
N Korea, Hamas To Train Iran In Oppression Of Own People As Leverage The two nations offer vastly different models for oppression of one’s own as an international political tool. Pyongyang, January 7 – As tensions between Iran and Saudi Arabia heat up, leaders in Teheran have sent delegations to the Gaza Strip and North Korea to learn how to improve the government’s skills at subjecting its own citizenry …
Obama Orders USAF To Intercept Reports Of Iran Deal Violations When Iran pursues nuclear weapons technology outside the scope of the JCPOA, it is crucial not to make too much noise about it, lest they pursue nuclear weapons technology outside the scope of the JCPOA. Washington, January 3 – President Barack Obama told the US military to intercept any news that Iran is violating the …
White House Staff Report Obama Keeps Seeing Ghost Of Nixon He even issued an order yesterday that the thirty-seventh president is not to be mentioned in his presence. Washington, December 30 – Aides to the president expressed concern for his mental health this week, saying that Barack Obama keeps asking others in the White House if they can also see the ghost of disgraced former …
Galloway Seeks Return To Labor After Nazis Reject Him As Too Racist “Dude…no,” said a Nazi representative. London, December 23 – Firebrand MP and former Mayor of Bradford George Galloway expressed a desire to return to Labor, following his failure to join the Nazi Party, who dismissed him as too racially prejudiced. Galloway, currently sitting in Parliament as a member of the Respect Party, was expelled from …
Obama Admin Insists Deal Gives Iran Right To Confiscate American Guns Keeping Iran happy is key to Obama’s strategy of enlisting them in the campaign against the Islamic State. Washington, December 21 – President Barack Obama’s administration is interpreting the recent nuclear agreement with Iran so broadly that it gives the Islamic republic the right to deprive individual Americans of their legally-owned firearms, analysts are noting. …
Hitler Miffed At Holocaust Deniers Denying Him His Glory “If they like and admire me so much, as they claim, why do they do that?” Umpteenth Circle of Hell, December 17 – Former leader of Nazi Germany Adolph Hitler expressed disgust and exasperation at people who seek to deny his genocide of Jews in the 1930’s and 40’s, Stygian sources report. The Führer, as …