Showing 301–360 of 622 articles · Page 6 of 11
Khazar World Cup Team Puzzled By Antisemitic Slurs “This is plain weird.” Nizhny Novgorod, June 26 – Team and staff members of this mostly Muslim and Christian west-Asian national team voiced confusion today after repeated encounters with fans of opposing teams in the world soccer championship hurling anti-Jewish epithets at them. Players on Khazaria’s national squad told reporters this afternoon that they have …
Treblinka Inmates Slap Foreheads, Realize Mistake: Not Being Mexican Children To Get Liberal Sympathy “I can’t shake the sense that I actually knew it all along.” Treblinka, June 20 – Members of this death camp’s Sonderkommando, tasked with disposing of the corpses of fellow Jews from the gas chamber and cleaning it out for its next use, expressed embarrassment today at understanding where they erred in trying to attract the …
Democrats Hail Dennis Rodman For Success Of N Korea Summit “I certainly can’t think of anyone more influential in this process.” Washington, June 12 – Minority leaders in Congress and their political allies praised a key figure in the developing détente with the Kim regime, a former National Basketball Association star without whose vision no progress toward denuclearization would be possible. Lawmakers, local government officials, …
BDS, JVP Frustrated By Inability To Make NBA Finals About Palestine “This is just a rematch of last year’s series, so it’s not as compelling a story to hijack. Not as much buzz.” Oakland, May 20 – Activists accustomed to co-opting every popular issue or cause for anti-Israel advocacy purposes have admitted hitting a metaphorical wall in attempting to do the same with the championship basketball …
NFL Offers Compromise, Lets Players Stand for American OR Israeli Anthem Player representatives have yet to offer any official response to the move. New York, May 24 – Executives and owners in the National Football League softened their stance today on player behavior during the traditional singing of the Star Spangled Banner before games, suggesting that if any player objects to remaining on his feet during …
Embassy Move Causes Typhoons, Earthquakes, Nuclear Holocaust In Some Other Possible Universe “I don’t want to be the guy who says I told you so, but I told you so,” stated a grim-faced John Kerry. Dimension Theta Omicron, May 16 – Massive tectonic cataclysm, powerful storms, and atomic explosions rocked this version of plant Earth today following the official transfer of the United States Embassy to Israel’s …
After Israel Trip, Tamika Mallory Realizes Palestinians Liars, Becomes Zionist “Zionism is a national liberation movement for Jews reasserting sovereignty in their ancestral homeland, and progressives should be all about that.” New York, May 9 – A leader of the Women’s March social justice movement announced today that following her visit to Israel and Palestinian territories, where she met with local activists and saw the …
Stymied In Real World, Palestinians Hoping To Stop Move Of Pretend Countries’ Embassies To Jerusalem Commentators noted that in the real world, Palestinian efforts rely consistently on the implied or explicit threat of violence, but that the places now targeted in this diplomatic offensive lie beyond the reach of such tactics. Ramallah, May 1 – Incipient moves to transfer international embassies to Israel from Tel Aviv to the country’s declared …
Study Links Erectile Dysfunction With Antisemitism The mechanism by which the erectile dysfunction occurs remains unknown. Atlanta, April 25 – Scientists have discovered a causative connection between hatred for Jews and reduced blood flow to male reproductive organs, a medical journal is reporting. This week’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine cites a new study by the Centers for …
After Defense Against The Dark Arts, Dolores Umbridge Tapped For UK Labour ‘Antisemitism Czar’ Position “Ms. Umbridge represents the perfect choice to lead this commission: loyal to her superior, condescending of victims, and willing to tolerate or engage in violence to whitewash her faction’s official view.” London, April 18 – Mounting public pressure on Opposition Leader Jeremy Corbyn to address hatred for Jews in his party’s ranks has prompted him to …
Union Rules Broken When Jews Forced To Dig Own Graves The executioners’ union might also demand involvement. Riga, Latvia, April 11 – The head of a local professional association voiced dissatisfaction with the way mass execution of area Jews was conducted, charging that making the Jews move earth with shovels and their bare hands in advance of being mowed down by gunfire into the resulting …
Man Can’t Decide Whether Congress Controlled By NRA, Oil, Or AIPAC Do the banks control Congress, or does Big Pharma? Maybe it’s Monsanto? Insurance companies? Sugar? Chicago, April 9 – A radio personality known for his support of progressive politics voiced confusion today over different axiomatic assertions of his world view that now appear in conflict with one aother. Stan Davage, a talk radio program host …
BDS Advocate Has Already Won Like 6 Arguments In His Head During Shower Actual humans do not make the same straw-man contentions as his mental interlocutors. New York, March 28 – A college student who spends time haranguing administrators, faculty, and fellow students to support divestment from Israel and boycott of the Israeli economy has already emerged victorious in half-a-dozen verbal exchanges with advocates for Israel taking place …
UKLabour Pushing End To Iran Sanctions To Import Larger Rug Under Which To Sweep Antisemitism “The entire institution of sanctions on Iran is a Jewish conspiracy. The best way to combat the machinations of the secret Jewish cabal is to hide away any evidence they might be able to exploit.” London, March 20 – Prominent members of Her Majesty’s Opposition are calling for the government to disregard a longstanding partial …
Trump Excited To Read Salacious Parts Of Stormy Daniels Tell-All Book “It’s going to be the best memoir, because it’s about m- it’s about the president,” claimed a senior administration official. Washington, March 14 – White House insiders disclosed today that despite maintaining a public façade of indifference, the president cannot wait to get his hands on a forthcoming book by a porn star with whom …
Some Of Farrakhan’s Closest Friends Also Antisemities “Today it’s Mr. Farrakhan, but tomorrow it will be you or me or anyone else who has the guts to stand up for progressive values such as seeing people of color as devoid of moral agency.” Chicago, March 7 – Allies of controversial Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan rushed to defend him this week …
Obama Administration Fuzzy On Who Was Supposed To Stop Russian Meddling In 2016 Elections Someone should have been responsible for protecting the integrity of the electoral process, but, well, who knows who that might be? Washington, March 1 – Former officials of the previous presidential administration and public figures who accuse Russia of interfering in the last presidential election admitted their uncertainty over who was in power in the …
NY Times Writer Exceeds Annual Quota In 2nd Acknowledgment Of Palestinian Fault It is an observation that only token right-wing op-ed columnist Bret Stephens is allowed to make. New York, February 22 – An editor for the Paper of Record faces potential disciplinary action for going beyond the permitted limit in an editorial draft of one acknowledgment per twelve-month period of the fact that Palestinian leadership bears …
J Street Warns Continued Existence Of Israel Will Cause Antisemitism Analysts consider the right-wing Israeli government’s likelihood of adopting Mr. Ben-Ami’s proposal low. Washington, February 14 – The director of a lobbying group that bills itself as “pro-Israel, pro-peace” urged the Jewish State to consider dissolving itself to prevent outbreaks of anti-Jewish violence and rhetoric that are obviously sparked by Jewish sovereignty in the ancient …
Sarsour Assures Jews Polish Mass Murder Of Jews Not Systemic “I am not going to sit here and be dictated to by those who are probably white, male, and non-Muslim about what I should be fighting.” New York, February 6 – A leading Muslim women’s activist sought to allay concerns over her alleged lack of attention to murderous antisemitism in Nazi-occupied Poland this week by …
Seeing Movement Backfire, Israel Prosper, Other Countries Demand BDS Target Them Too If one were to construct an investment portfolio only of firms BDS dislikes, such a portfolio would outperform index funds by a significant margin. London, February 5 – Economists and financial experts are advising governments to be targeted by the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel, as Israel’s economy has flourished since the launch of …
UK Parliament Outlaws ‘Military Wing’ Of Mafia, OKs ‘Political Wing’ Lawmakers reported they had been contacted by political operatives of the organizations in question, who had urged them to vote in favor of passage if they knew what was good for them. London, January 30 – Britain’s legislature approved new legislation Monday distinguishing between the political and military apparatuses of various organized crime syndicates, following …
Models Adding ‘Jew-Hate’ To CVs In Hopes Of Landing Cosmetics Gigs “Oh, no, I haven’t made a single anti-Israel or anti-Jew Instagram post,” fretted McKayla Murphy, 21. Paris, January 23 – Women aspiring to land prominent roles in representing manufacturers of beauty products rushed to update their resumés this week after reports that two influential firms in the industry had hired antisemitic models as their public …
“Google Plus is relevant, hip, and used by Americans and Russian trolls alike. It’s really the cat’s pajamas.” By Danny Nash, correspondent Washington, January 17 – Representatives of tech giant Google maintained a vigil outside lawmakers’ offices today in a bid to convince the legislators investigating possible Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election that …
Israel Proposes Making Jordan Custodian Of Vatican City Holy Sites As Well “Jerusalem is no more Jordanian than is Rome. Why should Jordan only be granted custodian status over Jerusalem?” Jerusalem, January 11 – Responding to recurring Arab and Western insistence that the Hashemite kingdom to its east be granted official status as guardian of this disputed city’s sacred places, the Jewish State today remarked that such …
Activists Implode After Palestinian Baker Refuses To Sell To Gay Couple The victims have yet to be identified, given the paucity of physical markers remaining from the incident. Denver, January 4 – Five social justice campaigners met grisly deaths today and fourteen others suffered injuries today when they got caught between powerful opposing political and virtue-signaling pressures as they encountered a bakery proprietor of Palestinian Muslim …
Faced With Accusations Of Focusing Only On Israel, BDS To Also Target Vulgaria “Practices such as child-catching and a ban on producing or raising children carry ominous echoes of everything we accuse Israel of doing.” Durban, December 27 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement that singles out the world’s only Jewish state have responded to criticism that their declared concern for human rights extends only to …
Twitter Monitoring Temperature Of Hell For Sign When To Ban Hamas Account A spokesman sought to reassure concerned users that the Hell-temperature-monitoring mechanism would not fall prey to unscrupulous manipulations. San Francisco, December 19 – New safety rules in place at the social media giant Twitter have the corporation taking a newer, firmer stand against users who incite violence or engage in wanton hate speech, under which it …
US Declares Palestinians No Longer Have Role In Mideast Peace “We no longer see Palestinian participation as a positive element.” Washington, December 18 – Trump administration officials voiced their frustration with the continued refusal of Palestinians representatives to play a constructive role in negotiations with Israel over a final status agreement Monday, and announced they no longer see a role Palestinians can play in fostering …
Swedish Court: Firebombing Synagogues Is Protected Speech Jewish advocates voiced frustration at the judge’s ruling. Gothenburg, December 12 – A magistrate in this Scandinavian city has ruled that the perpetrators of two Molotov cocktail attacks against Jewish houses of worship in the last three days may not be prosecuted under criminal law, as they were exercising their legal right to freedom of expression. Judge Lars Ferwerds …
Trump Also Preparing To Recognize Pluto As Planet “It is past time for the rest of the astronomical community to accept this fact and just move on.” Washington, December 6 – Diplomatic and political figures around the solar system prepared for another expected round of violence after White House officials indicated that today US President Donald Trump would announce American recognition of one …
Doctors Barred From Treating Obese Man Who Identifies As Thin Under ordinances enacted earlier this year by the State of California, it constitutes a crime to treat another as different from their stated identity Oakland, November 29 – Bay Area physicians will not be allowed to discuss with, let alone offer remedies to, a severely overweight San Jose man who claims to identify as a person …
Dalia Rabin Says Clinton Groped Her Father At Oslo Signing Rumors have swirled for years that Clinton made a similar crude move on Arafat. Tel Aviv, November 22 – The daughter of Israel’s slain Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin added today to the furor surrounding allegations of sexual misconduct by former US President Bill Clinton, disclosing in an interview that Clinton squeezed her father’s buttocks as …
American Islamists Puzzled By Outrage At Roy Moore “We support our party’s campaign and the media’s whipping up anger at the guy, but let’s remember it’s all just politics.” Mobile, Alabama, November 15 – As revelations of former Alabama State Supreme Court Judge Roy Moore’s sexual pursuit of minors have generated anger and horror through much of the US, some followers of Islam in …
Sarsour Launches #MeNeither Campaign After Racist Israeli Refuses To Grope Her Within minutes, a dozen responses to the original post had come in. New York, November 8 – Brooklyn-based women’s and Muslims’ rights advocate Linda Sarsour accused Israel of racism today after an Israeli on the subway had the opportunity to feel her up but declined to do so, prompting the Palestinian-American activist to start a …
Britain Apologizes To Balfour For Palestinians “By tolerating, even endorsing, then nursing, the Arab victim narrative, Britain betrayed Lord Balfour’s vision.” London, November 2 – In response to more than a year of Palestinian clamoring for an apology from Great Britain for the latter’s 1917 Balfour Declaration, the government of the United Kingdom issued a formal apology to Balfour for the Palestinians. …
The Smiths To Reunite Just To Perform In Israel And Piss Off Roger Waters The Smiths have collectively realized that their desire to stick it to Waters far outweighs their unwillingness to work together. London, October 25 – Legendary British indie band The Smiths will play together for the first time since 1987, in a series of concerts in Israel for the sole purpose of irking former Pink Floyd front man …
City Of Oslo Regretting Its Name Attached To Failed Israeli-Palestinian Accords At parties and other social gatherings, Oslo now avoids eye contact and interaction, preferring not to attend at all if possible. Oslo, October 23 – The Norwegian capital has grown to dislike its association with a much-hyped 1993 accord between Israel and the Palestine Liberation Organization that has become one of history’s great disappointments, friends …
Harvey Weinstein To Lead Palestinian Committee On Women’s Rights They specifically sought Weinstein for the role, given the his longtime exposure to the ways in which power is leveraged to disadvantage women. Los Angeles, October 17 – Influential Hollywood Mogul Harvey Weinstein agreed to accept chairmanship of a Palestinian committee advising President Mahmoud Abbas on women’s rights and related issues, a spokesman for the …
Pundits Trying Not To Let Lack Of Las Vegas Information Get In Way Of Wild Speculation Pundits and analysts have had to pull information out of their rear ends in order to support a line of argument. Las Vegas, October 2 – Commentators across the political and ideological spectrum have adopted a rhetorical strategy regarding last night’s massacre in Las Vegas that takes into account the relative paucity of data regarding …
SS Death Camp Guards Bristle At Being Called Antisemitic “A guy can’t do his part in the Final Solution without getting assaulted by accusations of Jew-hatred.” Oświęcim, Poland, September 27 – Security personnel at the busiest of the extermination camps in the Third Reich echoed the sentiments of British Labour Party politicians this week, objecting to being characterized as antisemitic simply because they insult, …
Abbas Acting As Statesman At UNGA Not Eligible For This Year’s Emmys “If previous UNGA performances provide any indication, Mr. Abbas will give other candidates a run for their money.” New York, September 19 – The Palestinian President’s tour-de-force acting performance in the role of a responsible, honorable human being and national political leader will not be included in this year’s nominations for awards in television arts, a …
Porn Actors In Clip Liked By Cruz Account Now Feel Dirty The actors have described it as the most degrading experience of their lives. Los Angeles, September 14 – The cast of the hardcore sex scene that came to prominence yesterday after Senator Ted Cruz’s Twitter account “liked” has finally experienced the feeling known as shame, sources close to the performers are reporting. The actors, a …
ISIS: Hurricanes That Weaken Before Landfall Are God Punishing Zionist Sharks “Of course the storms that do not hit human infidels directly also have a punitive and didactic purpose.” Miami, September 10 – As leaders of the Islamic State proclaim that the powerful storm striking south and central Florida represents divine retribution for alleged Western sins against God, others have sought to explain that the tempests …
Six Flags Introduces ‘Punch A Nazi In The Mouth’ Game Initial popularity has proved promising, as most players do not even ask for prizes or prize tickets. Jackson, New Jersey, September 6 – One of the largest theme park operators in the world has installed a new feature in its gaming arcades and contest booths in which contestants don a boxing glove and punch a Nazi …
Palestinians: Trump Not Serious About Alt-Right Till He Offers Them Lifetime Pensions For Killing Blacks “You can call us back when he begins budgeting thousands of dollars per month for each killer of a black person or immigrant, with the number of victims compounding the payment accordingly.” Charlottesville, August 30 – Officials in the Palestinian Authority and its various administrative organs have reacted dismissively to accusations that US President Donald …
Palestinians: Houston Flooding Caused By Open Israeli Dams “Why should anyone be surprised that they would do the same to a US state with an actual city named Palestine?” Houston, August 28 – Political and media figures in the Palestinian Territories have determined who lies behind the flooding in southeastern Texas in the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey: Israel and the dams it always …
To Show Brexit A Mistake, EU To Send Terrorists To Hit Britain Senior EU officeholders adopted a proposal today to train Muslim immigrants to Europe in the use of firearms, explosives, and chemical weapons. Brussels, August 24 – European Union officials hoping to demonstrate to the United Kingdom the folly of its decision to leave the Union plan to drive home the point by dispatching terrorists to …
Islamist Apologists Less Practiced At Excusing Murders Of Finns Than Of Jews “A people under occupation has the right to… to…” trailed off Yolanda Knell Helsinki, August 20 – Pundits and politicians accustomed to explaining away violence against Jews as either overblown or justified have stumbled in their efforts to make the same excuses for the recent terrorist attack in Finland, having not nearly as much experience …
Organizers: Justice March Can Be Moved From Yom Kippur If Jews Agree Not To Come “We and the movement we represent have never been comfortable with Jews.” Washington, August 16 – Leaders of the DC Justice March have offered a compromise to Jews who cannot attend the event scheduled for the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, whereby they will move the march to a different date on condition that Jews …
UNESCO Calls Pride Rock Scar Heritage Site, Deems Simba Return Illegal While the move carries little practical significance, supporters of Scar trumpeted their victory. Pride Rock, Serengeti Ecosystem, Tanzania, August 9 – The United Nations Education, Scientific, and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) designated this location as a site of Scar’s heritage today, striking a political and diplomatic blow against Scar’s nephew Simba in their struggle over rule of …
Turkish Activists Mulling Flotilla To North Korea “Any regime that opposes the West, especially the US, automatically gets inaugurated into the good-guy camp, and the more oppressive, the better.” Marmara, August 10 – Increasing tensions and heightened rhetoric between isolated North Korea and the United States has as least one humanitarian group considering a relief flotilla to the Asian dictatorship to highlight the misery …
UK Labour Says Wrist Slap For Antisemites Might Cause Bruising “Some of them might be haemophiliac,” worried Stratford Councillor Ann Tissemitt. London, August 2 – Representatives of Britain’s Labour Party today attributed the organization’s reluctance to take even token measures against party figures for espousing anti-Jewish positions, arguing that a slap on the wrist might leave such persons with unsightly marks on their skin. Repeated …
Muslims Demand Dumbledore Remove Anti-Intruder Jinxes At Hogwarts “This does not bode well, not at all,” moaned a thin professor with flowing robes. Hogsmeade, July 26 – Flush with a sense of power and purpose after extracting concessions elsewhere, Muslims issued new demands today that the headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry take away the hexes, jinxes, and other measures around …
UN Envoys Go Through Metal Detectors Into Session To Condemn Israel For Metal Detectors “Who could ever agree to go through such humiliation as magnometers?” New York, July 24 – Delegates to the United Nations Security Council passed through devices to detect the presence of the metal in weapons and ammunition today, en route to convening in the organization’s chamber for purposes of issuing a condemnation of Israel for …
Taking Hamas’s Lead, NYC Subway To Use Child Slave Labor For Tunnel Maintenance “Look at what Hamas has done, with only a fraction of our budget.” New York, July 19 – The Metropolitan Transportation Authority of New York will begin drafting children to conduct expensive infrastructure work, following the example set by the militant Islamist organization that runs the Gaza Strip and has constructed an elaborate system of …
Soros Accidentally Funds Group That Doesn’t Oppose Israel’s Existence “The sense of nausea and dread is overwhelming,” confessed a staffer who asked not to be identified. Budapest, July 12 – Aides to philanthropist and political activist George Soros scrambled to perform damage control today after reports emerged that the billionaire had provided support for an organization that does not see Israel’s existence as illegitimate …
Poor, Uneducated, Underemployed Americans Somehow Not Resorting To Terrorism “There are fringe groups, but you don’t have them taking over whole regions and recruiting thousands of like-minded fighters from far away. It’s bizarre.” Gary, Indiana, July 12 – Terrorism experts confessed today they cannot explain why tens of millions of Americans under economic circumstances similar to those of Islamist terrorists have not embraced hijacking, suicide bombing, …
NY Leader: Israel Deserves Ramming Attacks For 1991 Brooklyn Crash That Killed Black Child Jewish leaders expressed more puzzlement than outrage at the pastor’s assertion. Crown Heights, July 10 – A prominent figure in New York’s African-American community invoked the race riots of summer 1991 today, asserting that the Jewish State deserves the current spate of automotive ramming attacks by Palestinians because a car driven by a Jew killed …
North Koreans Hoping Missile That Can Reach North America Can Bring Back Food “Leftovers. We’ll take leftovers. Your mom’s fruitcake. Lutefisk, whatever the hell that is. Please. Can you catch our amazing new missile and send it back with that stuff?” Pyongyang, July 4 – The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced the successful test of a ballistic missile yesterday, claiming the weapon’s capabilities bring …