Showing 481–540 of 622 articles · Page 9 of 11
UK To Attack Islamist Militant Stronghold Of ‘France’ If successful, the bombing campaign will be expanded to other Islamist strongholds, such as Belgium and Sweden. London, December 9 – British Prime Minister David Cameron announced plans this afternoon to send the Royal Air Force to conduct airstrikes against a concentration of militant Islamic radicals in a place called France, news sources reported today. …
Palestinians To Terrorists In US: Use Knives; ‘Guns Upset Democrats’ Americans most likely to harbor sympathy for Islamists are also more suspicious of guns and gun users. Hebron, December 7 – Palestinian activists sympathetic to the aims of Islamists in the US advised would-be terrorists planning attacks in that country to shift tactics from mass shootings to what has become a trademark of Palestinian terrorism, …
Archaeologists Unearth Evidence US Presidents Once Had Balls To the modern ear, the notion of a US president with balls strikes a dissonant chord. Washington, December 2 – Researchers excavating in the US capital have discovered what they say are indications that there was a period in the distant past during which the chief executive of the American government had balls, the group …
Obama Calls For CDC To Stop Fighting, Start Negotiating With Cancer “The first move should involve a moratorium on radiation therapy and chemotherapy, as a confidence-building measure.” Atlanta, November 25 – In a bid to reduce tensions and lower the level of open conflict in a war going back decades, US President Barack Obama urged both sides in the War on Cancer to come to the negotiating …
For Diversity, NY Times To Attribute Muslim Terrorism To Other Religions If atheist suicide bombers are underrepresented in stories of terrorism, we cannot escape the question of whether that stems from biased coverage of conflict zones. New York, November 23 – Worried that the perpetrators of terrorist acts in recent years have been disproportionately Muslim, the editorial board of The New York Times decided today to …
Bar Mitzva Boy Allowed To Manipulate Stock Market For A Day Elders of Zion Inner Council Chairman Maury Geltman wanted something more for his grandson to mark the boy’s coming of age. New York, November 19 – Visiting dignitaries and other special guests are given the honor of ringing the opening bell to kick off trading at the New York Stock Exchange, but international financier and Elders …
Sh*t Tired Of Getting Real “It’s been a very long time since I got real this often, and this badly,” said sh*t. Paris, November 15 – Following the murders of 129 people in the French capital Friday night, sh*t expressed its frustration and irritation at the frequency and intensity with which it has become real. Seven separate but coordinated terrorist …
EU History Texts To Recast Nazi Yellow Star As ‘Consumer Information’ EU officials privately acknowledge that footnotes in the textbooks will be allowed to allude to the economic and social pressure concomitant with the star-wearing requirement. Brussels, November 11 – Following today’s European Union decision to label imports of Israeli goods manufactured in occupied territory, explaining it merely as an informational tool for consumers, the body will also …
Obama Reverses Roosevelt Decision, Will Take Refugees Fleeing Nazis Analysts believe the gesture has more to do with satisfying certain domestic constituencies than with any moral sense. Washington, November 10 – US President Barack Obama today ordered the State Department to issue entry visas to the more than 900 Jewish refugees fleeing Nazi Germany aboard the MS St. Louis, departing from the policy of …
BDS Demands Greece Change Blue-And-White Flag; ‘Israeli Colors’ It remains unclear how receptive Greeks will be to any such demand, as the flag of Greece in its current form dates back to 1822, more than seven decades before the rise of political Zionism.
NJ Band Plans Israel Gig So Roger Waters Will Object, Create Exposure “If washed-up performers such as Elvis Costello can desperately insert themselves into headlines by announcing a boycott, there’s no reason we can’t ride the same wave.” Mahwah, New Jersey, November 1 – A local band struggling to make a name for itself has hit upon a plan to leverage the celebrity of artists promoting the …
Report: No One Accuses US Blacks Of Loyalty To Liberia Despite the parallels between Liberia and Israel, the study found that almost no one accuses African-Americans of placing loyalty to their brethren in West Africa above loyalty to the US. Washington, October 27 – A recent study shows that despite the established model of accusing American Jews of primary loyalty to Israel, African-Americans do not …
UNESCO To Declare Twin Towers Site Muslim; ’10 Were Martyred There’ Complicating matters is that the custodians of the site, an entity called the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, has overseen the construction of a 94-story office tower where the Twin Towers once stood. Paris, October 20 – The United Nations Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Organization is considering a proposal to deem the …
MLB To Investigate NY Mets For Use Of Excessive Force Against Cubs “They had a five-run lead in the bottom of the ninth last night. The objective did not warrant such a display of pitching.” Chicago, October 22 – Major League Baseball will open an inquiry into whether the New York Mets went overboard offensively in defeating the Chicago Cubs in the National League Championship Series last …
Kerry Calls On Nazis, Jews To Stop Cycle Of Violence Critics of the administration and of the secretary dismissed his announcement, saying the time is not ripe for such an attempt. Washington, October 18 – US Secretary of State John Kerry reprimanded Nazi Germany and European Jewry today, calling on both sides to put an end to the violence gripping them. At a press conference …
Volkswagen To Monitor Iranian Nuclear Compliance “Volkswagen’s origins in 1930’s Germany are an appropriate metaphor for the current process,” said Zarif. Wolfsburg, Germany, October 14 – Automotive giant Volkswagen has been selected to perform some of the important monitoring functions of the Iran nuclear deal, the International Atomic Energy Agency announced today. The manufacturer’s chief role will involve the development and …
ICC Finds Stabbing Random Jews Legal Under International Law In a landmark case earlier this year, the ICC also overturned the Nuremberg convictions of several prominent Nazi war criminals. The Hague, Netherlands, October 7 – The International Criminal Court formalized today what many analysts have long assumed to be accepted International Law, ruling that the stabbing of Jews is a legitimate and legal act …
Amnesty International To Run Firebomb-Making Seminars Across US Amnesty chose the United states because the human rights situation there is far more urgent and troubling than in, for example, Sudan, Libya, Iraq, Iran, Russia, Yemen, China, Afghanistan, Guatemala, Somalia, Venezuela, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Lebanon. Ukraine, Egypt, Turkey… New York, October 6 – Building on its engagement with Palestinian activist Bassem Tamimi, political …
EU Makes Arabic Official Language; ‘Has The Most Speakers Here’ “Already, Arabic has the most speakers here of almost any language, or will within just a few years if current migration trends remain steady,” said Raisa Weissflagg, a spokeswoman for the European Parliament. Brussels, September 25 – The large numbers of migrants and refugees from the Middle East and Africa have confronted Europe with formidable …
Terrorism Support May Cause Corbyn To Be Thought Terrorism Supporter “It might be a stretch, of course, because how many left-wing politicians have been known to actually side with terrorists?” London, September 18 – Video footage and photographic evidence of British Labor Party leader Jeremy Corbyn delivering the keynote address at an event dominated by supporters of terrorist organizations such as Hezbollah might result in people …
NY Times Mideast Coverage Wins Pulitzer For Fiction The writing contains fiction that illuminates the human condition as seen from inside the minds of characters unable to see outside a certain myopic framing of the region’s troubles. New York, September 9 – The paper of record added another award to its sizable collection today, with its coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict earning it the …
Not Killing Trainfuls Of Unwanted People A New Experience For Europe The situation pits the Continental culture’s stated commitment to universal human rights against its proven will to kill off undesirables. Budapest, September 4 – The Continent has absorbed hundreds of thousands of refugees from Africa and the Middle East this year, testing its people with the unprecedented notion of refraining from mass killings of the largely …
China Mulls Mass Conversion To Judaism To Bolster Banking Prowess The report documents the financial advantages of Jewishness via extensive citations from the scholarly work The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion. Beijing, August 30 – China’s turbulent economic fortunes have the country’s leadership considering a new economic policy that involves making the whole nation Jewish in order to optimize their banking capabilities. Inflation, the aftereffects of …
Europeans Kinda Hoped For Richer African Migrants “Isn’t Africa teeming with, like, diamonds?” Bratislava, Slovakia, August 24 – The influx of refugees and others seeking a better life to the north of the Mediterranean has sparked talk of a crisis in Europe, as hundreds of thousands of African make their way onto the Continent – a crisis that stems partly from the …
Germans Agree ‘Hey Jude’ Weirdest Holocaust Song Ever The vocalist in the song mispronounces the word as if it is English, further generating confusion over the message. Hamburg, August 19 – Germans and German-speakers are expressing puzzlement at what, by its title, should be a song about German persecution of Jews, but whose lyrics do not seem to express any such sentiment. Paul …
Secret Addendum To Iran Deal Just Obama’s Kenya Birth Certificate Kerry accused deal opponents of orchestrating the revelation. Vienna, August 12 – Hotel staffers cleaning up after the nuclear negotiations between Iran the p5+1 world powers last month came across what appears to be a secret element of the deal that emerged, in the form of a document that attests to the birth of Barack Hussein …
New EU-Issued Tourism Guide Rates Synagogues By Flammability It includes scores for more than 100 historic synagogues. Brussels, August 10 – The European Union has published a new guidebook for tourists and tour guides interested in visiting houses of worship, updated to reflect the sensibilities of today’s discerning traveler. As such, it includes a rating system that gives synagogues on the Continent a …
If Elected, Trump Promises To Fire Ayatollah He added that many other high-ranking officials in Tehran would probably also have to pack their bags. New York, August 5 – The frontrunner in the Republican race toward nomination for president vowed today that if elected, when it comes to Iran he would apply his usual method for dealing with troublesome people, and would have the …
Amnesty Rejects Vetting Activists For Antisemitism: ‘Thought Control’ The organization insists it thoroughly screens its applicants for real offenses, such as affiliation with known sympathizers of US or Israeli policies. New York, August 2 – A spokeswoman for the human rights organization Amnesty International dismissed calls for the group to weed out its employees and volunteers who espouse anti-Jewish attitudes, saying that such …
State Dept. HR Downgrades Anti-Zionism From ‘Requirement’ To ‘Advantage’ Aides say Kerry aimed to make at least some cosmetic changes as part of the effort to soften Israeli opposition to the Iran nuclear deal. Washington, July 27 – The US Department of State modified its hiring procedures this week, making a potential hire’s anti-Israel prejudice an advantage rather than an essential requirement to land the …
European Space Agency To Avoid Orbit Over West Bank, Gaza Avoiding those areas will mean no passing over Israel’s pre-1967 boundaries, either, since almost any orbital paths over the occupied zones would involve passing over Israel immediately before or after. Darmstadt, Germany, July 21 – The European intergovernmental agency that promotes and pursues space flight and space exploration has adopted new procedures for its space …
EU Prepares Bailout Plan For Impending US Moral Bankruptcy The US has sustained damage to its morality stocks before, but not to the extent that it nearly undermined the entire moral framework of the society. Brussels, July 16 – Fresh off a new agreement with Greece to restructure the bailout plan after the country defaulted on billions in debt to other European countries, the Continent’s …
Students For Justice In Palestine Accidentally Boycotts Self Those chapters will be hamstrung in their efforts to reestablish themselves as members of the organization in good standing. Urbana-Champaign, Illinois, July 13 – An anti-Israel student group sowed confusion today when the chapter president announced that, in what appeared to be a technical foul-up, the organization’s regional delegates had somehow voted to boycott themselves. …
Oscars To Consider Daesh Execution Film Nominations They specifically cited the bold contrasts of color and demeanor in the beheading films. Hollywood, July 8 – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Board of Governors approved new rules and campaign regulations for the 88th Academy Awards at their most recent Board meeting last Tuesday night, passing a measure under which videos of Islamic State fighters beheading …
Blaming Jews For Crisis Mysteriously Ineffective In Saving Greece “In prewar Germany, blaming Jews was an essential element of the economic system that pulled the country out of the Great Depression.” Athens, July 2 – Accusing Jewish bankers and currency speculators of being behind Greece’s recent monetary woes has proved inexplicably useless in getting the country out of its economic morass, Greek officials are …
EU Enlists Rufus Scrimgeour To Pretend To Handle Islamist Threat “It’s exactly the kind of cosmetic change that we at the EU have always preferred when addressing fundamental, even existential, challenges.” Brussels, June 28 – The European Union has engaged the former Minister of Magic to help the alliance create the impression that they are actually doing something about the increasing threat of radical Islam. Rufus …
Experts Worry UN Setting Impossible Standard For Other Jew-Haters “The Council may feel it must lead in these matters, but that does not mean it should do so by making its own achievements untouchable.” Geneva, June 23 – The level of bias and cynicism at play in the United Nations Human Rights Council’s report on last year’s war between Israel and Hamas has experts …
Sepp Blatter, Jack Warner Tapped To Head Human Rights Council The Council can no longer ignore the bush-league quality of its own corruption. Geneva, June 22 – Exposure of a massive corruption scandal with world soccer’s governing organization at its center has helped the United Nations Human Rights Council find its next presidents, sources within the Council report. Last month several high-ranking FIFA officials were arrested in …
Local BDS Group Votes To Boycott Israeli BDS Groups “Being Israeli by definition makes a person an oppressor, or at least an enabler of oppression, and it’s disingenuous to say that that Israeliness, that culpability, is somehow negated by advocating BDS.” Limerick, Ireland, June 17 – Students at the University of Limerick who seek to isolate Israel voted this week to sever all ties with …
Louvre Rebuked For Making Antisemitism Too Obvious Mainstream French society delights in tasteful doses of prejudice against Jews but finds direct manifestations of it grotesque. Paris, June 16 – The government of France issued a stern admonishment to the management of the Louvre Museum Tuesday, warning it that displays of anti-Jewish and anti-Israeli prejudice must be much more subtle than the institution’s recent refusal …
SCOTUS Upholds Presidential Prerogative To Conduct Crappy Foreign Policy It is up to the president to decide how to conduct the country’s most counterproductive and humiliating foreign policy in more than a century. Washington, June 9 – In a 6-3 ruling, on Monday the Supreme Court ruled that successive US presidential administrations had acted on a constitutionally sound basis to instruct the State Department …
Pallywood Executives Mull Reboot Of Blood Libel Franchise A number of indie – short for indifada – studios specialize in adapting the blood libel cachet to current goings-on. Pallywood, June 2 – Studio executives in this field know an international sensation when they see one, often before most others do. That ability is what gives an edge in the media production industry, where …
UC Davis To Establish Non-Antisemite-Free Space “If it really becomes necessary we can just give them the Hillel House.” Davis, CA, May 25 – Administrators at the University of California at Davis have announced plans to find an appropriate venue for a facility open only to antisemites, hoping to provide anti-Israel and anti-Jewish students with a place on campus that affords …
BDS Claims Credit For Keeping Mozart From Appearing In Israel Of Johannes Brahms, Felix Mendelssohn, Franz Schubert, the entire Bach family, Josef Haydn, Claude Debussy, Antonio Vivaldi, Georg Frederic Handel, and many other influential composers, not a single one has announced a planned trip to Israel since the current round of BDS activity began. Vienna, May 13 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions (BDS) movement …
New OED Entry For ‘Racist’ Includes ‘Criticizing Palestinian Violence’ Cowardiss said a similar situation exists with reference to an apparent shift in the meaning of the word ‘progressive.’ Oxford, UK, May 13 – The next edition of the Oxford English Dictionary will feature a new definition of the term ‘racist’ that reflects the word’s usage in characterizing any effort to portray violence by Palestinians in a …
Zionist-Controlled Media Somehow Unable To Control Israel Coverage “I would never have assumed the Jewish media overlords would permit such things to happen. But here we are,” said UN adviser Richard Falk. New York, May 7 – Analysts at the United Nations held a meeting today to discuss the curious phenomenon of the Zionist-controlled international media somehow being unable to prevent the media from indulging in nearly continuous …
Area Man Can Prove Jews To Blame For Everything Hassan linked Jews to plague, autism, chemtrails, and pollution from hydrofracking, doing so with a fluidity and facility that astounded. Dearborn, MI, April 29 – Local hairdresser Malik Hassan regularly wows customers with his uncanny ability to convincingly argue that Jews are behind every negative phenomenon ever documented, Detroit-area sources reported Wednesday. Mr. Hassan, 28, …
Iran Hijacks VP’s NY Motorcade; Obama Sends Destroyer, Urges Calm “There is too much at stake to go headlong into a full-blown confrontation over every incident.” Washington, April 29 – Iranian cars stopped and seized the vehicles carrying and escorting US Vice President Joe Biden through New York’s streets today, and took him and his staff into custody at the country’s mission to the United Nations. …
UN Pre-Condemns Potential Israeli Actions For Next 3 Months The Obama administration was so taken with this newfound sense of initiative on the part of the Security Council that they decided such a development should be endorsed even at Israel’s expense. Geneva, April 25 – Seeking to save time and effort in case Israel responds militarily to recent attacks by Palestinians, the United Nations …
In Nod To Zionist Control, Woman On New $20 Bill To Be Golda Meir The new issue acknowledges the central role that the International Zionist Conspiracy plays in American governance, while maintaining the quest to honor a woman. Washington, April 18 – The campaign to replace the visage of President Andrew Jackson on the American twenty-dollar note with that of a woman came to an end today with an announcement by …
Obama To Rescind Sanctions Against Prince Humperdinck Monitoring measures include the hiring of independent consultant Tyrone Rugen to oversee the clandestine portions of the Florinian international relations program. Florin, April 7 – Royal representatives announced today that the US had agreed to remove its trade sanctions against Florin in exchange for guarantees that its ruler Prince Humperdinck would desist from starting wars …
Crash Investigator: Pilot Tried To Show Germans Still Good At Mass Murder Arranging for Germans to participate in the mass slaughter of innocents can prevent recurrences of the Germanwings crash. Dusseldorf, Germany, April 1 – Aviation officials probing the life of the pilot who crashed a Germanwings aircraft into the Alps and killed all 150 aboard last week have discovered that the man sought to prove that someone …
Obama To Send Condolences To Germany On Hitler Death Anniversary “We express our heartfelt sympathy to the people of Hitler’s country over the loss of such a visionary leader.” Washington, March 25 – US President Barack Obama plans to correct a historical omission this year when, for the first time, an American administration will offer sympathy to the people of Germany on the day marking …
Israel Election Results Great, Says Obama Through Gritted Teeth Netanyahu, for his part, took a gracious tone, telling Obama the victory could not have been accomplished without his efforts. Washington, March 18 – The stunning reelection of Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu yesterday prompted insistence from US President Barack Obama that he welcomes the outcome as a democratic expression of the wish of the …
Obama Lets Slip 9/11 A Controlled Demolition White House spokesmen scrambled to perform damage control, claiming the recording is fake. Washington, March 16 – US President Barack Obama forgot a microphone was still on today when he referred to the collapse of the Twin Towers in 2001 as a “false flag” event actually perpetrated by American agents using hidden explosives. Obama was …
In Unprecedented Event, Academic Gives Anti-Israel Opinion As Fact Professor Roelle has become the target of literally three calls for apology and correction, a veritable torrent of criticism. Urbana-Champaign, Illinois, March 10 – In an unprecedented occurrence, a left-wing professor at a prestigious university has used her limited knowledge of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict to portray her negative assessment of Israeli policies as established fact, …
Man In Suit Addresses Other Men In Suits Experts believe more people in suits will continue to talk about the first man in the suit in the weeks to come, unless something more compelling grabs the media’s attention, such as a piece of attire with ambiguous hues. Washington, March 3 – A middle-aged man in business attire apparently just gave a speech to …
Canada Sawry Abote Antisemitism Ottawa, February 28 – A survey of Canadians reveals that the vast majority of them are sawry that manifestations of antisemitism have appeared in the country, as many of them thought Canada had pro-gressed beyond such phenomena. A poll conducted by the Jewish think-tank the Hebrew Organization for Social and Educational Research (HOSER) last week indicated …
Liberal Jews Aghast At Youth Without Reflexive Hate For Israel “I always thought that Israel was the only place with those problems, and that J-Street was the legitimate, representative voice of American Jewry. Why didn’t anyone tell me otherwise?” Boston, February 22 – A just-released poll confirms fears about a disturbing trend among American Jewish youth, many of whom apparently do not automatically foam at …
Europe Insists Jews Have Place There, Point To Auschwitz “Few sights move me, as a Frenchman, more than thousands of Jewish graves.” Paris, February 16 – Prime Minister of Israel Binyamin Netanyahu reiterated a call for European Jews to move to Israel this week in the wake of yet another attack on Jews on the Continent, prompting indignance from European governments, who cited mass …