Showing 361–420 of 622 articles · Page 7 of 11
Ecological Progressives Conflicted: Crude Oil Ban Would Disproportionately Affect Muslim-Majority Countries It boils down to Muslims as victims being the ultimate axiom, and therefore Muslims retaining ultimate veto over everything lest it offend or oppress them further. Berkeley, June 29 – Proponents of a progressive environmental agenda face internal contradictions within the movement over the prospect of banning crude oil imports and other fossil fuels in …
University To Eliminate Courses About Jews So As Not To Alienate Muslims Students already pursuing degrees for which such courses are a requirement will be given the opportunity to alter their degrees by taking courses on subjects such as Palestinian suffering. San Francisco, June 25 – San Francisco State University has announced that in a bid to make the on-campus experience more welcoming for students of Muslim …
Arab Anuses Getting Callused By European Tongues Incidence of callus-inducing Muslim-anus-licking by Europeans had held steady since the the First World War. Fez, June 21 – Medical officials in the Arab and Muslim world are reporting increased incidences of inflamed or callused epithelial tissue around the anal orifice resulting from constant friction with the tongues of Europe, Al Jazeera has noted. A …
Talmud Scholars Look To Hate Groups For Passages They Didn’t Know Existed “I’m curious, and eager to examine those passages in the original Aramaic,” admitted Dina de Garmi of the University of Bologna, Italy. New York, June 14 – Experts in the body of Jewish law and lore called the Talmud voiced amazement and gratitude this week to antisemitic groups spreading passages from the work that the …
Study: White Supremacism Behind Every Last Aspect Of Western Culture The team looked at soccer hooliganism, microbreweries, film, the Scientific Method, paid vacations, fidget spinners, internet memes, museums… Berkeley, June 12 – New research by a team of anthropologists and historians has determined that not a single element of Western culture that developed in Europe and spread to North America did not arise out of …
Kerry: If Iran Already Had Nuke, Could Have Ended Tehran Hostage Crisis Sooner “We can only wonder how casualty numbers would be different had the authorities in Tehran been able to strike with nuclear technology.” Washington, June 7 – Former Secretary of State John Kerry lamented this morning that the Islamic Republic of Iran does not yet possess atomic weapons, as the deployment of such devices against the …
WHO: AIDS Could Be Eliminated If Everyone Calls It Something Else “The most effective solutions to complex problems are usually the simplest,” said WHO Director-General Tedros Adhanom. Geneva, Switzerland, June 3 – In an unexpectedly ambitious proposal, the World Health Organization announced this morning that it has formulated a plan to completely eliminate AIDS by the end of this calendar year, simply by no longer referring …
Man Sensing Egypt Flag In Twitter Avatar Not Affecting Terrorism Levels “Maybe there’s a magic formula for how many people have to change avatars and retweet the right things before the good guys win.” Plano, Texas, May 28 – A resident of this Dallas-area city has begun to suspect that repeated changes of the image accompanying his Twitter name to the flag of the country most …
CAIR Urges Adoption Of Law Defining Attacks On Jews As Self-Defense “Muslims in the US cannot fulfill their sacred duty of dominating non-Muslims in the current political and legal environment.” Washington, May 24 – A leading advocacy group for Muslims in the US has begun lobbying legislators in several states to support the ratification of an official definition of violence directed at Jews as self-defense, thus …
Trump To Assure Netanyahu Of His Penis Size The president will thus seek to establish dominance in the interaction via the move, signaling his greater masculinity. Washington, May 17 – Aides to US President Donald Trump informed reporters today that when he meets Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu on his trip to the Middle East next week, he will make sure to stress …
Palestinian Attempt To Hijack Hogwarts Express Ends In Failure The charms that protect the train carriages had caused the explosives some attackers were carrying to detonate. Hogsmeade, May 15 – Terrorists trying to take control of a magical train carrying students back to wizarding school in Scotland were unable to complete their mission, witnesses are reporting, and suffered heavy casualties in the process. A …
Israel Moving Embassy From DC To Mar-a-Lago The move signals a new approach to Israel’s relations with all the countries who locate their embassies to Israel in Tel Aviv instead of Jerusalem. Jerusalem, May 10 – Amid a frenzy of speculation whether President Donald Trump will authorize moving the US Embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to the nation’s declared capital of …
J-Street Staffer Unsure Whether To Wish Coworkers Happy Nakba Day “Israel’s Independence Day must be a big deal for such a pro-Israel organization. People kept mentioning this Nakba thing in such solemn terms, I thought they were just still in the whole Memorial Day for fallen soldiers from the day before.” Washington, May 3 – An aide to a senior executive at an organization that …
Death Eaters Issue ‘Political Document’ That Media Portray As Revision Of Anti-Muggle Ethos While no section to that effect appears in the document, journalists, commentators, and political figures strove today to describe it as a fundamental change. London, May 1 – Followers of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named put out a a statement today they termed a “political document” that sets down principles for an interim solution to wizard-muggle conflicts but does …
Media Keep Assuming First Lady’s Gender “It seems the so-called progressive media reserve their progressive attitude only for those in the same part of the political spectrum as they.” Washington, April 27 – Associates of Melania Trump complained today of the consistent trend in reporting on the president’s wife to assume he or she is female. The First Lady, who married …
Rabbi Caught Embezzling Funds From Chillul Hashem Society George Soros, the Rockefeller Foundation, the Ford Foundation, and the European Commission have provided annual grants to Chillul Hashem since 1997. New York, April 23 – Police arrested the deputy director of a non-profit religious organization dedicated to making Jews look bad, saying he had pocketed millions of dollars in contributions to the group. Rabbi Samuel Shanda, …
Einsatzgruppen Bitter That Now Everyone Talking Only About Gassing “What are we, chopped liver?” Babi Yar, Ukraine, April 12 – Members of the special mobile SS killing squads tasked with mass shootings of Jews, intellectuals, clergy, political leaders, Communists, and other groups deemed “undesirable” by the Nazis voiced resentment today at the recent focus on the role of gas chambers in the Holocaust, saying …
Suspended For Year Over Hitler Comments, Livingstone Complains Wrist Bruised To Livingstone, it is clear who must bear the blame for his suffering. London, April 5 – UK Labour figure and former Mayor of London Ken Livingstone claimed today that as a result of his token punishment for spouting antisemitism, the joint connecting his hand to his forearm now has a contusion. Livingstone was not …
Activists To Undergo FGM To Show Feminist Opposition To Trump “We may have no choice but to take our protests to the next level, whether it involves stoning blasphemers and adulterers or having women subjected to honor killings.” Washington, March 28 – In a bid to demonstrate that the president they accuse of misogyny does not control them, feminist activists announced today they will have …
Trump Envoy In Talks With Bibi Over Whether US May Build In Washington US and Israeli administrations have clashed previously on American construction projects built on land that was taken from native peoples. Washington, March 27 – Political and diplomatic sensitivities revolving around construction on land taken from indigenous peoples have US President Donald Trump exercising caution before his administration approves development projects in the country’s declared capital, …
Study: Zionists Behind Pleistocene Extinctions – ‘Pleistocene’ Actually ‘Palestinian’ “It fits the familiar pattern of the Zionists erasing Palestinian history and claiming it as theirs.” Bismarck, North Dakota, March 22 – Paleontologists exploring the geology and fossilized megafauna of the epoch that precedes the development of anatomically modern humans have concluded that the deteriorating environmental conditions that caused the disappearance of so many large …
Wonka Loses Kosher Certification Over Refusal To Admit Human Inspector “Engaging as a mashgiach someone already beholden to the entity under supervision constitutes a conflict of interest that negates his reliability.” New York, March 15 – The Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America, the world’s largest provider of supervision and certification for food products deemed to adhere to Jewish dietary law, has withheld its …
Trump To Boost Program Training Arab/Muslim Societies To Wipe Own Tushies The Development and Education Regimen for Regimes in the Iran-Egypt Region and Elsewhere (DERRIERE), a project of the USAID program, will see its budget increase by six thousand percent over the next two years. Washington, March 14 – A new Trump administration initiative will increase funding for an agency that teaches Arab-Muslim societies in the …
UK Labour ‘Antisemitism Czar’ Taking Term A Little Too Literally “Why would they call me a czar, after all, unless I’m supposed to emulate a czar and pursue serious persecution of Jews?” London, March 9 – A Labour Party official appointed by Chairman Jeremy Corbyn to oversee the party’s efforts to combat antisemitism appears to have misinterpreted the title of the position, and is instead …
Holocaust Tourism Thriving, Prompting Europe To Mull Another One The dramatic impact the ever-growing size of visiting groups has European leaders wondering what long-term impact another organized, mechanized mass-murder of Jews might contribute to the Continental economy fifty years from now. Oświęcim, Poland, March 5 – Each spring as tens of thousands of Jews from around the world visit the site of the most …
Chicago Cubs Hope Zionist Conspiracy Lets Them Win Again Either way, noted Manager Joe Maddon, the team is approaching Spring Training with the same vigor and enthusiasm. Mesa, AZ, February 29 – Spring training for Major League Baseball kicked off two weeks ago, and the world champion Chicago Cubs are looking forward to another successful season, tempered by uncertainty over whether the International Zionist …
Berkeley Reduces Traffic Noise 90% With ‘Honk If You Like Trump’ Billboards Residents have responded enthusiastically. Berkeley, February 23 – A northern California city has found an ingenious way to reduce car horn noise by appealing to residents’ political leanings. In a series of billboard ads located in high-traffic areas of Berkeley, the municipality’s Traffic Commission invites supporters of President Donald Trump to demonstrate their support for …
News Media Object To Portrayal In News Media “Edward R. Murrow is turning is his grave,” added CBS reporter Scott Pelley. New York, February 19 – In a sign of growing frustration with their troublesome image, news media outlets staged a demonstration yesterday to protest the way the news media portrays them. At a press conference outside City Hall, representatives of FOX News, …
US Chocolate Makers Preparing Unsold Valentine’s Day Chocolates For Export To Israel In 8 Months Israeli candy retailers ask few, if any, questions of the importer regarding the freshness of these items. Hershey, PA, February 15 – American manufacturers of specially-shaped chocolate confections for yesterday’s St. Valentine’s Day celebrations have begun the annual process of cataloging, sorting, and warehousing surplus product so that it can be shipped to Israel in …
Man Surprised ‘Jewish Values’ Not A Term For Low, Low Prices “Every Jew I know, I guess mostly through work, is kind of an ace in finance,” he explained in a telephone interview. Bronxville, NY, February 8 – A local resident with little direct exposure to Jewish principles and practices confessed himself flummoxed today upon discovering that the term “Jewish values” refers to a set of …
Obama, Kerry Wonder Why Falcons Didn’t Try To Use ‘Soft Power’ “What did Atlanta expect, taking a 28-3 lead in the third quarter?” Washington, February 6 – Former President Barack Obama and his Secretary of State John Kerry voiced puzzlement today at the Atlanta Falcons’ decision to employ outright force in yesterday’s Super Bowl, when the successes of the “soft power” model offered by the previous …
Report: Gorsuch Nominated Only After Netanyahu Declined Role Conway predicted that if Netanyahu faces trouble at home as a result of several ongoing criminal corruption probes, he might change his mind. Washington, February 1 – Trump administration insiders reported today that Neil Gorsuch, a federal judge nominated to fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court, was only asked to accept the appointment …
BBC Server Crashes After Story Filed With No Reflexive Israel-Blaming “The system just isn’t set up to deal with that kind of anomaly.” London, January 25 – The main computer handling incoming dispatches from British Broadcasting Corporation journalists around the world was forced into automatic shutdown this afternoon after a correspondent covering the Israeli-Palestinian conflict included no assumptions of Israeli guilt. A four-minute clip and …
Trump To Fund Embassy Move By Cutting Democrats’ Pensions “The Democratic Party, I need not remind you, has been complicit in the mistreatment of our closest ally in the Middle East.” Washington, January 23 – Monies to cover the costs of transferring the US Embassy in Tel Aviv to Jerusalem will not require unanticipated use of State Department funds, a spokesman for President Donald …
Obama To Leave Trump His Copy Of ‘Backstab The Jew For Profit’ In White House Part of the decision, explained adviser Ben Rhodes, was based on the prospect of Trump prioritizing the welfare and happiness of his daughter Ivanka’s family. Washington, January 19 – Among the last moves made by the departing president was the decision not to pack his copy of the self-help book How to Backstab the Jew …
German Court Also Calls Lynching Of Blacks Legitimate Criticism Of Liberia The ruling will help clarify the law regarding a spate of alleged hate crimes in Germany. Frankfurt, January 15 – Following a ruling in which a German court refused to define an attack of a synagogue as antisemtism, instead seeing it as a protest against Israeli policies, the same body acquitted several members of a …
ISIS Applying For Palestinian Citizenship To Escape ‘Terrorist’ Designation Media coverage of Palestinian violence goes out of its way to avoid assigning blame to the perpetrators, focusing wherever possible on the Israeli response. Molenbeek, Belgium, January 10 – Jihadists around the world have begun to seek Palestinian citizenship as a way to avoid being considered terrorists when they engage in ideologically motivated violence against …
Sasha, Malia Negotiate Allowance Increase By Taking White House Staff Hostage Analysts noted other close parallels between the First Daughters’ approach and the ongoing attitude of Iran to Obama. Washington, January 5 – Sasha and Malia Obama, the daughters of the outgoing US president, followed Iran’s lead in dealing with their father by holding Americans hostage and making demands, all of which the president granted. The …
Following J-Street Lead, Enemies Of Israel Now Calling Selves ‘Pro-Israel’ “We’re following the trail blazed by Jeremy Ben-Ami and his group, with an assist from the New Israel Fund,” explained Roger Gasleiter of JCPOA Associates, a Washington-area firm. Washington, January 1 – Arab and Muslim countries long committed to the destruction of the world’s only Jewish State have taken a page out of left-leaning advocacy …
Woman Cowering Under Bed Amid Chicago Gun Battles Glad Obama Finally Sticking It To Netanyahu “This climax of a progressive, eight-year stab-in-the-back of the US’s closest ally in the Middle East gives me the hope I need to get through these difficult times.” Chicago, December 27 – A single mother of two cradling her little boys to her chest as a gangland gun battle rages in her housing project expressed …
Germany To Restrict Movement Of Undocumented Trucks “This society cannot allow its safety to be undermined by the actions of such vehicles.” Berlin, December 21 – Following the murder of 12 people and the injury of dozens more when a truck plowed into a crowded Christmas market in the German capital, authorities moved to place severe constraints on the freedom of movement …
US Urges Israel To Put Amona Evacuees In Reservations “The State should spend generations deceiving them, depriving them, and occasionally throwing them a bone or two.” Washington, December 19 – Top American diplomats recommended that Israel follow the United States’ lead in treatment of people forcibly removed from areas of their homeland, specifically advising that the 40 families slated to be taken away from …
Jewish Students In Campus Pillowfight Accused Of Disproportionate Force “We have to protect the vulnerable population of pillow-fighters who did not ask to be hit.” Oberlin, Ohio, December 14 – A student activity intended to break the social ice and relieve some academic tension at a venerable academic institution has resulted in several Jewish participants facing accusations that they overreacted to other participants’ swinging …
EU To Impose Strict 2-Rapes-Per-Migrant Limit Critics of the measure expressed concern at its strictness. Malmo, December 7 – A spike in reported rapes that coincides with the influx of refugees and migrants from African and Middle Eastern countries into Europe has driven the European Parliament to take decisive steps to combat the sexual violence, leading to a new Continent-wide cap …
Trump Offers To Have Mexico Also Pay For Israeli Separation Barrier Netanyahu aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, declined to comment on the specifics of the offer. Washington, December 5 – President-elect Donald Trump continued to insist today his administration will construct a wall along the US-Mexico border and that Mexico will foot the bill for the multi-billion-dollar project – and the incoming chief executive also …
Vizzini Mum On Whether Trump Asked Him To Be Secretary Of State Experts are divided on both the authenticity of the reports and the wisdom of the move if they are substantiated. Washington, December 1 – Representatives of an accomplished Sicilian international operator declined to offer comment on circulating rumors that he has been contacted by President-elect Donald Trump with inquiries as to whether he would agree …
In 50 Years Of Oppression, Castro Somehow Failed To Create Ideal Society Cubans now confront the prospect of constructing a heaven-on-earth without their formidable leader’s dedication to to systematic denial of basic human rights to an entire people. Havana, November 27 – Cuban revolutionary leader Fidel Castro died at age 90 on Friday, bringing to a close a period in which he and his brother Raul mysteriously …
Licking Election Coverage Wounds, NY Times To Publish Column By ISIS Leader “A direct encounter with what these people have to say is preferable than to have it filtered through the lens of our editorial sensibilities.” New York, November 22 – A post-election assessment of the slanted coverage the publication produced during the campaign has led the paper of record to opt for a new openness and …
ICC Offering Reduced Sentences For States That Remain Members Bensouda and her colleagues now face the prospect of a raft of withdrawals from the Court and the undermining of their effort to uphold international law. The Hague, November 17 – Plagued by a spate of recent withdrawals from the treaty that established the International Criminal Court, the body will try to prevent more nations …
Despite Trump Victory, Racist Violence Still Technically Illegal In Most States “Given the uncontrolled violence we’ve come to associate with Trump supporters, we’re going to keep looking until there’s something to report. “ New York, November 13 – Post-election investigation has found that less than a week after the United States elected Donald Trump as its next president, violent acts against minorities or political opponents remain unlawful …
African Children Reject Leftover Hillary Campaign Shirts, Hats “I have six boys to clothe and can barely afford food, let alone new shirts for them. But I still have some shame.” Kigali, Rwanda, November 9 – Tribal elders and heads of families are reporting that under no circumstances do they or their children want to accept the surplus or used promotional attire from …
EU Mandates Grade-School Courses On How To Be Dhimmis “This commission agreed unanimously that training our young people to embrace this future is the wisest course of action.” Brussels, November 2 – A special commission of the European Parliament submitted its binding recommendations to the legislature today on the subject of absorbing the influx of Muslims from war-torn or economically depressed countries in Africa …
SJP Demands Local Y Stop Offering Krav Maga Course Because of its Israeli pedigree, opponents of Israel’s existence and policies who study at the Urbana-Champaign campus have seized on it as a target of their pro-Palestinian advocacy. Chicago, October 31 – A chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine is calling for a local community center to cancel its plans to give instruction in …
Wikileaks Documents Reveal David Duke Had Affair With Jewish Man Duke always billed himself as a Christian-values candidate. Baton Rouge, October 26 – The latest Wikileaks release of communiques among political officials includes mention of a homosexual affair involving white supremacist and former Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard David Duke and a Jewish man, PreOccupied Territory has learned. Newsroom researchers sifting through the …
UN Condemns Prague Golem As Violation Of Pillagers’ Rights Representatives of the local clergy expressed satisfaction at the decision. Geneva, October 13 – The United Nations Human Rights Council held a session today on the Prague Jewish community’s use of a golem to defend against massacres by the non-Jewish populace, and voted to condemn the use of such measures as illegally impinging on the …
White House Opens Tent Of Mourning For Jerusalem Shooter The family will be represented at the White House Tent of Mourning by the Palestine Liberation Organization’s ambassador to Washington. Washington, October 10 – The White House moved today to show solidarity with the family of a Palestinian man shot to death by Israeli police yesterday, and set up a mourning venue on the South …
Mossad Engineering Disasters So Israeli Relief Efforts Can Look Good Ali Abunimah has been documenting cases of what he has come to call “aid-washing.” Haiti, October 5 – Hurricane Matthew swept through this impoverished nation yesterday, leaving behind devastation and yet another humanitarian crisis – a breach into which a well-practiced, efficient operation of Israeli medical and other assistance will soon step, highlighting the concern …
Corbyn Invites Friends Hamas, Hezbollah, To Combat Labour Antisemitism Persistent accusations and documentation of antisemitism have dogged Labour under Corbyn since the start of his term. London, September 27 – Newly-reelected Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn promised to improve his approach to addressing concerns of anti-Jewish prejudice in the ranks of his organization today, saying he would enlist his friends from the Islamist movements Hamas …
Justice Dept. To Reclassify Antisemitic Incidents As Islamophobia The change will take place at the urging of President Barack Obama, who is eager to help reduce racial and religious tensions. Washington, September 22 – A spike in antisemitic incidents in the last eighteen months has led the Department of Justice to reconsider its treatment of hate-crime statistics, with the main thrust of the …
Chelsea Bomb Prompts Clinton To Claim Daughter The Target The Clintons’ daughter Chelsea was not in the vicinity of the explosion and was not harmed. New York, September 18 – A bomb detonated in Manhattan’s Chelsea neighborhood Saturday, leading Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to voice her assessment that her daughter Chelsea was the intended victim. Ms. Clinton made the remark at a campaign …