Religion

“Been there, done that.” Jerusalem, May 23 – Scholars of religion have discovered that what many adherents of religious faith call “Original” Sin in fact represents a phenomenon that existed well before the Sin’s ostensible beginnings. Religious historians and theologians examined the emergence of the doctrine of Original Sin, a staple of Christian tenets by …

The manna was not delivered in a sealed package bearing the stamp and logo of the Badatz. Wilderness of Sinn, May 18 – An Israelite adhering to stringent requirements for food to be permissible under Hebrew dietary law has refused to partake of the miraculous edible substance provided directly by the Almighty unless it bears …

Oblique metaphoric references to Rashbi’s feat with the apple have found their way into Jewish mystical sources, in which Rabbi Shimon is a seminal figure. Meron, May 14 – Hundreds of thousands of Jews gathered this weekend at the traditional site of a legendary figure in the nation’s lore, famed for uncompromising moral resistance to …

“I told Moses that it’s only thanks to worker-safety protocols that we all haven’t been incinerated.” Wilderness of Sinai, May 10 – The chief architect of the Tabernacle reported today that he has encountered numerous difficulties incorporating into the vessel to hold the Tablets of Testimony technology to melt the faces of Nazis when the vessel …

“The first few dozen times I thought it was a sweet gesture,” he recalled. “But it got old in a hurry.” Phuket, Thailand, May 3 – A deity associated with the domicile of a local family has no idea how to address the repeated sacrifices of grain and other foodstuffs the people of the household …

The prolonged period of everlasting peace showcased the spiritual and moral power the Roman Catholic Church still wields. Cairo, May 1 – Pope Francis concluded his first visit to Muslim-majority Egypt last week amid ongoing anti-Christian violence there, and urged the Christian and Islamic religious communities to interact peacefully – a request from the heart …

The price of the property has not been disclosed. Jerusalem, April 26 – Amid rumors of US President Donald Trump planning a visit to Israel at the end of May, reports have also emerged that the chief executive will purchase the gold-topped Dome of the Rock Shrine on the Temple Mount, and rechristen it with …

The time has come to set the record straight, and that he never meant for people to take the concern seriously. Medzhybizh, Ukraine, April 19 – A chief disciple of the founder of the Hasidic movement revealed today that a practice he initiated of abstaining from the consumption on Passover of matza that has come …

“As far as I can make out, there’s a war going on, and someone used a big weapon – that’s fine, we all want a battlefield edge, be it with chariots, giants, the Hand of YHWH, or the curses of some prophet pronounced against one’s foe.” Divon, April 16 – The ruler of this tribal …

“I think Passover should be a celebration of veganism, with its emphasis on just plain flatbread, some herbs, the haroset paste, and I guess some potatoes.” New York, April 5 – Local abstainer from animal products Trey Zuzay informed his prospective hosts for the Passover Seder this year that when the time comes to recite …

“For Muslims the sanctity of this place is very important. We protect it all the time from desecration by, uh, Jewish settlers who storm it and want to bow directly toward the Dome of the Rock!” Jerusalem, March 28 – A representative of the religious council that administers the Temple Mount – known to Muslims …

Demographers disagreed over the significance of the findings. New York, March 27 – A survey of people in the US and Scandinavia wearing a traditional Islamic garment has found that the majority of them do not adhere to the faith, but wish to show their sympathy with the plight of those facing anti-Muslim prejudice. Pew …

“It was an Emperor’s New Clothes moment for us,” admitted Father Nithi. Rome, March 23 – Papal scholars have come to believe that some of the most venerable and venerated figures in Roman Catholicism were wearing nothing beneath their garments when they posed for portraits, a Vatican spokesman announced today. Father Nudio Nithi told reporters …

Operation Protective Edge, framed as an effort to suppress rocket fire by Hamas, was actually an elaborate ruse to kill Palestinians to use their blood in matza. Jerusalem, March 19 – Manufacturers of unleavened bread for the Jewish holiday of Passover are struggling to turn a profit for the third year in a row, as …

“I was definitely in it for the glory of jihad and freeing our lands of the infidel usurper,” one recalled as he hurled a rare copy of an illuminated Quran into the pyre, then watched as it curled, blackened, and disintegrated, adding to the flames. Gehenna, March 14 – Denizens of the Realm of Perdition …

“Am I supposed to grow figs or something? I can see him causing my trees to wither and die, just to eliminate competition.” Capernaum, Galilee, March 9 – Sellers of loaves and fishes voiced concern today about losing business to a new enterprise by Jesus of Nazareth, who has devised a process by which to …

“Of course there will be those who try to outdo what came before.” New York, March 5 – Police believe the recent spate of bomb threats against Jewish places of worship was a misunderstanding, a department spokesman announced today, with the explosive devices intended not to wreak mayhem, but to produce noise in response to …

“As an intellectual exercise, if nothing else, let us consider the implications of this idea.” Cairo, March 1 – Scholars at the Islamic University of Cairo have raised the possibility that Allah, the all-powerful deity who created and sustains the world, supports the national liberation movement of the Jewish people, given the rapid and increasing …

A Mikveh attendant who gave her name as Riva Rivenu told reporters that confusion over who had made an appointment for a 7:45 immersion led to the fracas. Brooklyn, February 22 – Officers from the NYPD’s 66th precinct responded to a call last night at a Jewish ritual bath, where witnesses say two women came to …

Fed up, as it were, by the man’s attitude, the Lord appeared in a vision to Bonner and instructed him to cease all petition. Rockville Centre, NY, February 20 – The Lord God Almighty finally responded to repeated entreaties by a local man, instructing the 27-year-old to stop pestering Him and do something to improve …

Some members of the Badatz are instructing their disciples and followers to disdain the earlier Jerusalem Talmud as well. Bnei Brak, February 15 – A group of spiritual authorities has barred the study of Talmud because the work states that Moses was not the author of some of the Torah’s Verses. The Badatz Chochmas HaKsil …

“I saw not a hint of a post-colonialist approach, and this was a man who lived in the Middle East for most of his adult life.” New York, February 8 – A leading figure in liberal Judaism is struggling to find corroboration for his sensibilities after failing to find modern progressive principles enshrined in the …

“In examining evidence regarding approximately eighteen million Bar Mitzva celebrations documented since 1920, we have yet to encounter another case where ‘which ____ read so beauuuuutifully’ was not invoked.” Kfar Sava, February 6 – Anthropologists in search of heretofore unknown populations have identified a Jewish thirteen-year-old boy about whom not a single speaker at his …

Spokesmen for Heaven defended the new restrictions as necessary to protect the citizens of the Realm. Eden, February 1 – Demonstrations continued today over the exclusion of Muslims from Paradise, in some cases turning violent. Crowds of excluded Muslims and a much larger contingent of supporters gathered outside the Pearly Gates for the third consecutive …

The “HaK’tav V’HaKabbalah” initiative is expected to improve efficiency at the site. Jerusalem, January 29 – Religious authorities at one of Judaism’s holiest sites will roll out a new feature this week, allowing worshipers to receive online notification when the notes they have placed between the stones of the Western Wall have been read by …

Defense officials declined to comment until they have read the report. Bnei Brak, January 24 – Analysts examining recruitment patterns among those who join the Islamic State have determined that the lack of Ultra-Orthodox Jews in the ranks of the militant organization apparently stems from the community’s avoidance of the internet, where the bulk of …

“It’s just coincidence that Balaam and Jesus were killed at exactly the same age, and a man named Jesus was killed for abusing his spiritual power to perform miracles at around the same time that the more famous Jesus met the same fate.” The Afterlife, January 19 – The man revered by Christians as the …

“Tel Aviv inhabitants are constantly claiming they are far more tolerant than the ‘primitive,’ ‘extremist’ Jews of Jerusalem, so this is the perfect way to welcome the tens of thousands of weekly Al-Aqsa attendees.” Jerusalem, January 15 – President-elect Donald Trump intends to complement the move of the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem …

“Kudos to the gabbai for noticing quickly and doing something about it.” Toronto, January 11 – Pop idol Justin Bieber entered the men’s section of an Orthodox synagogue this weekend and was promptly asked to move to the women’s balcony, PreOccupied Territory has learned. The singer, 22, was in attendance for the Bar Mitzva of …

“I write in Biblical Hebrew, which doesn’t even use vowel markings, let alone periods or commas,” he explained. Mount Horeb, January 4 – The Israelite lawgiver known as Moses announced a shift from the blogging platform WordPress to the use of parchment, ink, and quills after getting fed up with the online utility’s unreliable scoring …

Some Haredim are questioning the reliability of the modern calendar. Boro Park, January 2 – Ultra-Orthodox Jews who live outside the Land of Israel are applying to the recent holiday of Hanukkah a stringency that has long been associated with four other festivals: keeping an extra day because of an ancient uncertainty over the lunar …

“We’re still scratching our heads at it,” admitted the Archangel Michael. Heaven, December 28 – Supernal officials remained in a tizzy this morning, nearly five full days after US President Barack Obama engineered a UN Security Council resolution negating Jewish sovereignty in the nation’s homeland and heartland, amid revelations that the president had somehow uncovered …

“Our community reserves the right to resist this onslaught of heresy by any means,” read the statement. Jerusalem, December 21 – Religious leaders in the Muslim community across Israel warned today that if millions of Israeli Jews kindle their annual Hanukkah lights as planned beginning this Saturday evening, the act would constitute a violation of …

While conditions for Joseph in the prison are less brutal than for most prisoners, his situation remains far worse than the prisoners Ghattas has helped with his smuggling. Memphis Prison Facility, Egypt, December 19 – A Hebrew servant incarcerated for suspected sexual advances toward his master’s wife expressed exasperation today that the Arab-Israeli lawmaker who …

“We don’t need to know where the blood of an animal gets applied to the altar, or which internal organs get burned.” Wilderness of Sinai, December 15 – A coalition of Israelites representing all of the tribes but Levi petitioned Moses today for a condensed edition of the book of Leviticus, saying the arcane and …

It remains unclear to what extent Muhammad’s plea will be followed. Paradise, December 11 – The founder of the religion of Islam issued a plea today to his social network contacts to stop tagging his image in pictures they post online. Muhammad the Prophet and Messenger of Allah posted to his approximately 750 million Facebook …

In further violation of regulations, he proceeded to water the livestock of the shepherdess Rachel, daughter of Laban. Paddan Aram, December 6 – Representatives of the Aram Naharayim Herders’ Association called for sanctions against Jacob today after the latter allegedly violated labor rules by rolling a rock off of a drinking well without enlisting the …

“It’s a total enigma,” remarked Hedda Pmyass, a professor of comparative religion at Columbia University. New York, December 1 – In the wake of yet another Islamist attack this week, religion experts are still scratching heir heads over the possible motive behind the attackers’ invoking the name of Allah and Islam as they try to …

The cable car as currently designed does not account for the disaster that could occur in such an event. Jerusalem, November 27 – Tourism and urban development officials clashed this week over a proposal to construct a cable car connecting the Mount of Olives with the Temple Mount across the Kidron Valley, concerning the possibility …

“So do we put presents under the turkey, or what?” Newport News, Virginia (AP) – The relatively early occurrence of Hanukkah this year has sown perplexity among assimilated American Jews, who have become accustomed to combining or confusing the holiday’s practices with those of Christmas and not Thanksgiving. The first day of Hanukkah comes out …

“‘Paperwork’ fees? Paper won’t be invented for two thousand years. What a racket.” Hebron, November 23 – The patriarch Abraham decided to buy his own burial ground to bury his late wife after encountering exorbitant prices to inter her in an existing cemetery, the widower told reporters today. Sarah passed away this week at the …

If the behavior of the land were any indication of its awareness, one might come to the erroneous conclusion that it favors non-Muslim rule. Jerusalem, November 17 – The strip of land nestled between the Mediterranean Sea and the Jordan River apparently has no knowledge at all that it has the status of “Muslim,” local …

In the end, Jonah was forced to lay out the cost of an entire boat and crew. Jaffa, November 14 – A man of God attempting to avoid fulfillment of a divine mission he was given encountered trouble this morning upon arriving at the port only to discover that the labor unions had shut down …

The mobs of chanting protesters specifically called for Nate Silver, who administers Five-Thirty-Eight, to be handed over to them to be dragged through the streets and hanged in the public square. Washington, November 9 – Left-leaning voters and pundits in the United States and beyond thronged to the offices of various opinion-poll organizations and called …

“The rabbi knew exactly what points of Christian doctrine to attack, as if someone had gone through the Bible for him and marked the passages that undermine the faith.” Barcelona, November 2 – In the aftermath of Rabbi Moshe ben Nachman’s success in his disputation with an apostate Jew before the king of Aragon, ecclesiastical …

“While anyone may still wait six hours, one should do so as a personal stringency, not as an observance of the actual law.” Jerusalem, October 31 – A leading arbiter of Jewish law has determined that the transition to standard time means that Jews who normally wait six hours after eating meat to partake of …

“This should have been done years ago.” Jerusalem, October 27 – An opposition lawmaker known for pursuing female empowerment has promised to continue the fight during the coming winter parliamentary session with a legislative proposal that would require the addition to the Hebrew Bible of multiple strong female personalities, to address what she has deemed …

Israelite leaders accused the organization of bias. Wilderness of Zin, October 20 – In the midst of the Sukkot festival celebrating the divine protection manifest in the Clouds of Glory that surround the Israelites in their journey from servitude in Egypt to sovereignty in the Promised Land, at least one international body has expressed misgivings …

“A day for attaining atonement for one’s offenses could hardly be more egregiously violated than by spending the entire time clothed in stolen styles.” Supernal realms, October 11 – The angelic souls of professors and career scholars of the humanities and social sciences accused Jews today of stealing the idea for how to dress on …

The announcement has thrown many pilgrims’ plans into disarray. Jerusalem, October 6 – This year’s observance of the Day of Atonement at the Holy Temple will take place without children under the age of 14, the Temple Administration has announced, following years of frustration over the crusted mucus globs all over the compound’s walls after …

“He’s been around almost as long as we have.” Supernal Realms, September 28 – Newly-arrived resident of Paradise Shimon Peres got to work immediately today, after it was announced that the longtime public servant would serve as a consultant to the archangels on various strategic issues such as infrastructure, nuclear weapons development, economic reconstruction, and …

Even when it looks like they’re involved in a mundane activity, Jews are doing that activity Talmudically. Jerusalem, September 20 – Members of the Islamic religious council governing affairs at the Temple Mount compound found to their shock and dismay today that not only do Jews who visit the site perform Talmudic rituals, but that …

The situation poses a challenge for Islamic theologians, who remain divided on how to handle the impending violation. Washington, September 19 – Islamic scholars are weighing in on the proper course of action in advance of upcoming US presidential elections, noting that with Barack Obama leaving office in January 2017, it is wrong under Islamic …

“This is a good look for him. The whole melanin-reduction treatment really brings out his eyes.” Florence, September 15 – Jesus Christ voiced satisfaction today that he had undergone procedures to reduce the activity of pigment-producing cells in his skin tissue in time for the Italian Renaissance of the fifteenth century. Associates of the Prince …

“On top of the spire, at that symbolic height from the ground, and dominating everything beneath it, will be the Islamic crescent.” New York, September 11 – A coalition of Islamic groups is calling for the addition of a symbol of their faith to be added to the spire that adorns the Freedom Tower in …

“They even call it the ‘Jerusalem’ Talmud, as if that somehow makes it Jewish.” Jerusalem, September 6 – Advanced Jewish scholars have been studying and claiming as their own an ancient work called the Palestinian Talmud, in what Palestinian activists say is yet another theft by Jews of everything Palestinian. The Palestinian Talmud, compiled in …

“I did a little research on their lifestyle, and we’re moving forward with what I’ve learned.” New York, September 1 – A local gentlemen’s club has erected a barrier to separate female patrons from the males in order to cater to Jewish males who adhere to stricter standards of modesty than most, and eschew mingling …

Community leaders among the ultra-orthodox have been engaged to prevent violence. Jerusalem, August 24 – An application by a group of non-Jews to march through the capital city of the Jewish State in a demonstration of political and cultural defiance has pitted various factions against one another over whether such an even should be permitted …

Moses descended from the mountain and beheld the uncontrolled passion with which the masses were dancing about the idol they had adopted. Horeb, July 10 – The leader of the Israelites returned from atop Mount Sinai this morning to find the people in wild, cultic dance around the Two-State Solution, and brought the orgy to an …

Experts were able to match the samples with an Arab child from Hebron who had disappeared this past February. Jerusalem, August 17 – Researchers at the Hebrew University have determined that spots of blood in chicken eggs come not from the development of the avian embryo, as was commonly thought, but is scattered throughout the world’s billions …