Showing 241–300 of 599 articles · Page 5 of 10
If Not Now To Offer ‘Ultra-ULTRA-Orthodox’ Rabbinic Ordination “We’re used to taking terms and redefining them to suit our purposes. Why not do that to the entire institution of rabbinics?” New York, January 23 – Two progressive, pro-Palestinian organizations that play up Jewish connections and names to bolster their otherwise negligible Hebraic legitimacy have launched a joint initiative to underscore the traditional bona fides …
Korah Goes With Plan B; Failed To Find Problematic Old Tweets By Moses Some of the conspirators relish the prospect of direct confrontation. K’helata, Wilderness of Sinai, January 15 – The leaders of an incipient rebellion against the established Israelite leadership have decided on a more frontal approach than they had previously considered, witnesses reported Tuesday, following an abortive attempt to find embarrassing or politically incorrect social media posts by …
Daf Yomi Celebration Gives Jets/Giants Home Field Idea Of What Joy Is “New York football success on this field isn’t so old that it’s irrelevant, but it’s just far enough in the past that its absence still sucks the joy out of life.” East Rutherford, New Jersey, January 6 – The five days following the festive marking of the completion of a cycle of daily Talmud study …
Bethlehem Mohel Appalled At Sanitary Conditions Of Baby’s Manger “If I didn’t know any better I’d wager these parents don’t expect the child to live out a full complement of years.” Bethlehem, Judea, December 26 – A man who agreed to circumcise the newborn son of a couple in this town just south of Jerusalem expressed shock and disgust today at the germ-infested barn …
Jacob Swamped By Parent-Teacher Meetings “You can bet every single person before us will run overtime and mess up all the complicated arrangements we’ve made.” Hebron, December 17 – A local patriarch with more than a dozen offspring scrambled to find a logistical solution to numerous conflicting demands, family sources reported today, after every institution educating his children scheduled meetings …
Fight Erupts Between Jews Planting Ancient Zionist Evidence And God Planting Fossils Fake fossils to test faith vs. fake artifacts to displace indigenous Palestinians. Jerusalem, December 5 – Time-traveling Zionists tasked with manufacturing a convincing ancient history for Jewish presence and sovereignty in the Holy Land clashed with the Creator, witnesses report, over the former seeking to place objects in the same spot where the latter intended …
Study Finds Real Jews Are The Ones Who Agree With Your Politics “Whereas previous assessments almost all relied on, or gave significant weight to, adherence to some sort of explicit ancient tradition, our model has determined those those factors are a mere distraction.” London, November 27 – Groundbreaking new research into the nature of authentic Judaism has confirmed what many have long suspected: that a person’s status …
Obama-Era Officials Figure Iran’s No-Nukes Fatwa Stored Together With No-Shooting-Protesters Fatwa Ben Rhodes added that Americans can make the same confident assumption about China’s Muslim Uighur minority. Washington, November 18 – Former cabinet members and other people within the administration of the previous US president again assured Americans they need not worry about the welfare of demonstrators under Tehran’s rule, since there must be a religious …
Mom And Dad Each Assume Other Talking To Daughter About Tzniut, Boys, Sex Neither parent relishes arguing with their daughter about proper attire. Jerusalem, November 7 – Parents of a local pre-teen admitted embarrassment today over such touchy subjects as sartorial modesty, human intimacy, and male-female relationships, and confided to a reporter that they believe their spouse will discuss those matters with her. Adi and Yosef Schulman’s eldest …
Advocacy Group Denies Failed Terrorist Attacks Have Anything To Do With Islam “We cannot overstate the importance of truth in governing Muslim-American relations.” Washington, October 29 – A prominent organization for Muslims in the US issued a disclaimer today cautioning Americans in general, and journalists in particular, not to conflate violence that fills short of producing a death toll in the name of Islam with violence that succeeds …
NGO Very Good At Pointing Out What Others Must Atone For Before Yom Kippur The epithet “Apartheid” featured prominently. New York, October 3 – Seasonal custom calls for Jews to conduct a reckoning of their behavior, and one organization that assumes the mantle of progressive Jewish values has demonstrated it excels in the important but overlooked arena of publicizing all the faults it sees in the Jews and Jewish institutions …
Racketeer In Hell Despite Shas Promise Of Heaven To Its Voters Representatives of Shas declined to comment on the discrepancy between the campaign promise and Mr. Levy’s posthumous fate. Gehinnom, September 19 – A criminal who died this morning after casting his ballot on Tuesday for a party representing Jews of Mizrahi heritage found himself among the damned, even though the party leadership assured the public …
IDF Blockade Renders Gaza Mosque Unable To Import Candy To Celebrate 9/11 Anniversary Consumer goods may enter the coastal territory, but only through Israel via the Kerem Shalom facility or through Egypt via the Rafah crossing. Khan Yunis, September 11 – Worshipers hoping to have sweets on hand to mark eighteen years since nineteen Al-Qaeda hijackers killed nearly three thousand people in a group of coordinated attacks in the …
Scalpers Driving Up High Holiday Seat Prices Rabbi Phil T. Luker has spoken out against the phenomenon. New York, September 2 – Would-be synagogue attendees find themselves unable to afford tickets to New Year and Day of Atonement services at metro area Jewish houses of worship, observers report, because resellers have snatched up the bulk of available places and demand more than face …
Bomber Decries ‘Dehumanizing’ Security Check That Prevented His Synagogue Entry “Prioritizing Jews’ wish to live when others seek to kill them flies in the face of established norms.” Jerusalem, August 22 – A would-be terrorist attacker denounced safety procedures at a Jewish house of worship this morning, asserting they made him feel “less than human” by reducing him in that moment to nothing but a …
Muslim Scholars Explain Only Infidel Animals Abused Before/During Slaughter To challenge the truth of that explanation constitutes Islamophobia. Gaza City, August 13 – Islamic leaders sought today to allay concern over videos circulating on the internet that show mistreatment of cows, sheep, and goats prior to their killing or in the process thereof on the occasion of the Eid al-Adha festival this past Sunday, …
Discreet Ear Buds A Real Boon To People Who Hate When Others Talk In Shul Kol D’mamah Dakkah – “the sound of silence” – as the first such app is known. Giv’at Sh’muel, Aug 1 – Technological innovation has come to the synagogue in the form of wireless, hard-to-see, in-ear speakers that users can wear to block out the age-old nuisance of other worshipers disrupting the service with idle chatter. Adopters …
Mossad Scores Huge Haul Of Shoes From Mosque Entryway “This is an outrage,” fumed the mosque’s chief preacher, Imam Asghar Bukhari. Jerusalem, July 24 – Israel’s secret intelligence service pulled off a massive heist of footwear here today, targeting worshipers at a Muslim house of prayer, in its ongoing operations to intimidate, spook, and mess with the minds of the country’s enemies. Sources within …
Synagogue Reader Dismissed For Insisting On Pronouncing ‘GIF’ ‘Jif’ Synagogue members remain split over the wisdom or justice of Mr. Stickler’s firing. New York, July 15 – Controversy swirled in a Long Island suburb of Manhattan this weekend after a local congregation dismissed its longtime Torah-cantillation specialist for adhering to a pronunciation of a word that, while correct in the historical sense, no longer reflects …
Jews Have Gall To Desecrate Al Aqsa Compound By Existing Near It Jews view the Temple Mount, the site of two ancient shrines and the focal point of Jewish longing for thousands of years, as the most sacred location in their religion, but no one cares what Jews think or feel. Jerusalem, July 4 – Islamic Council officials in this contested holy city voiced outrage today after …
Star Of David Suspiciously Absent From Conspiracy Theory Editorial Cartoon “It’s kind of obvious there’s something missing,” observed Carlos Latuff. London, June 24 – Editors and readers of a prominent international daily expressed confusion and concern today at the appearance in the publication of a political caricature averring the existence of a cabal behind certain nefarious developments, but that did not feature a recognizable representation of …
Corbyn Applies For Exemption From IHRA Antisemitism Definition “The IHRA definition now forces me to choose between political morality and political oblivion.” London, June 13 – The leader of Britain’s Labour Party wrote this week to the organization with the most widely-accepted parameters for deeming statements or attitudes Judaeophobic, requesting the group make an exception for him because he really, really needs political …
Suicide Bomber Detonates Too Late, Takes Out 72 Virgins “There were body parts everywhere,” recalled Archangel Gabriel. Hodeidah, Yemen, May 30 – A jihad warrior wearing an explosive vest set off his charge a split second after his partner today, resulting in the second explosion straddling the earthly and Jannah realms and destroying the 72 maidens that awaited him in paradise. Ibrahim Sanani, 22, planned …
Jews Living Rent-Free In Islamist Heads Also Not Paying Jizya There Experts confess inability to account for the phenomenon. Ankara, May 22 – Observers noted this week that not only do Islamists dedicate large portions of their minds to Jews and charge nothing for the space allotted, they appear to violate Islamic principles by neglecting to enforce collection from those Jews of the mandatory tax on …
Dinosaurs OK With Extinction After Hearing About Progressives Supporting Islamists “We never saw an allosaurus do anything that dumb, and their brains are no bigger than ours, if you catch my drift.” Late Cretaceous, May 13 – Reptiles that ruled the earth for 120 million years before an asteroid impact ushered in climatic shifts that wiped out most of them expressed relief that they met …
Good Samaritan Checks Wayfarer’s Old Tweets Before Deciding Whether To Help “Can you imagine what would have happened to me if I’d rendered assistance without an adequate search of the guy’s Twitter, and it turned out he had liked a tweet by someone who has been insufficiently vehement in denouncing unenthusiastic participants in the Women’s March?” Jerusalem-Jericho Road, May 2 – A traveler passing by the …
Sarsour Looking For Ways To Raise Money For Islamists But Look Like Helping Notre Dame “I could go on about Jews, money, and lack of gratitude, but now we must focus on leveraging the current moment and Notre Dame.” New York, April 17 – A prominent activist for women’s and Muslims’ rights in the US aims to repeat the feat she managed two years ago following the desecration of Jewish graves, …
Use Of Chametz In Pads Prompts Rabbis: No Menstruating On Passover “If a woman is committed as she should be to upholding the Torah and the sanctity of her people, she should be capable of willing her body to comply with Halacha.” Bnei Brak, April 8 – Jewish women must avoid having their monthly periods during the Feast of Unleavened Bread this year, ruled a group …
Pundits Too Stupid To Know Temple Mount, Not Western Wall, Judaism’s Holiest Site Still Considered Experts Observers cited the related phenomenon of journalists describing Jerusalem as “holy to three religions” without noting that the importance of the city to Christianity and to Islam derives directly from its centrality to Judaism. Jerusalem, March 28 – Commentators and journalists who lack the basic knowledge that the location of both ancient Temples marks the …
OIC Working To Get UN Human Rights Council Agenda Item 7 Into Ten Commandments It mandates specific attention to Israel regardless of the situation there or elsewhere, and has resulted in more condemnations of the Jewish State than of all other nations combined. Sinai Desert, March 19 – Frenzied diplomatic activity in advance of the Almighty’s revelation to the Israelites in the wilderness has Muslim countries lobbying heavenly forces …
Democrats Relax On Global Warming After Ayatollah Issues Fatwa Forbidding Climate To Change John Kerry urged his Democratic colleagues to free up organizational resources and time for other important areas of concern now that Khamenei had solved the climate crisis. Tehran, March 6 – A group that, in its efforts to persuade the public to support a treaty governing Iran’s nuclear program assured the public of a religious ruling …
Saints Bitter As Jesus Wins Martyr Of Month AGAIN “It’s enough to make a saint wonder whether getting burned at the stake is even worth it.” Garden of Eden, February 27 – Heavenly sources reported today (Wednesday) that the thousands of Christians who suffered and died for the faith voiced resentment following the announcement that the Son of God had been named Martyr of …
Bible Critics Posit New Orange-Haired Author Of Crude Passages, Called “T” The new proposed document focuses on menstruation, inappropriate sexuality, boastfulness, walls, fake news, and the term “sad.” Tel Aviv, February 18 – A venerable hypothesis regarding the sources of verses and passages in the first five books of the Hebrew Scriptures may have to undergo further modification, experts reported this week, following the proposal of an additional …
In UAE, Pope Discovers Marriage Loophole For Sex Abuse Of Minors “It’s not unprecedented to undo thousands of years of doctrine with the stroke of a pen,” remarked religion scholar Pete O’Filia. Abu Dhabi, February 7 – The head of the Roman Catholic Church slapped his forehead in a moment of frustrated revelation today following the realization that if, like the Islamic culture to which he …
Angels On Head Of Pin Mixed Dancing The long-term implications of the discovery remain unclear. Jerusalem, January 29 – Scandal gripped the ultra-orthodox world this week following a discovery that the celestial beings who serve as the subject of many conceptual inquiries perform gavottes, horas, and other rhythmic movements set to music with no separation of the sexes, in violation of community norms. …
Christ Sues ‘Christ At The Checkpoint’ For Unlawful Use Of Name “The one place in the entire Middle East with a growing, thriving Christian population is the one country these people oppose because it’s a Jewish state.” Bethlehem, January 16 – The Prince of Peace, King of the Jews, Son of God, Jesus Christ filed a lawsuit today against an evangelical institution for invoking his name …
Einstein Presented With Dice God Uses To Shape Universe Gabriel introduced the award at a ceremony to honor Einstein on the occasion of the latter finally passing Heaven’s entrance exam. Paradise, January 9 – A Nobel laureate who made unparalleled advances in the theories underpinning human comprehension of the cosmos and of the subatomic world, and who insisted that the non-intuitive, seemingly arbitrary nature of …
Study: Haredim Poor Because Won’t Handle Shekel Notes With Images Of Women The Bank of Israel and the Ministry of Finance appear to have ignored the Law of Unintended Consequences. Bnei Brak, December 31 – Researchers have identified a key factor in the economic challenges that face ultra-orthodox Jews in Israel, according to an article published this week, namely that insistence on avoiding depictions of women in …
Rabbinate To Charge Non-Kosher Restaurants For Non-Kosher Certification Establishments pursuing a more elite non-kosher clientele will also enjoy more expensive options such as certification that the establishment uses or serves wine consecrated or offered to idolatry. Jerusalem, December 20 – Israel’s religious establishment will begin levying fees on food establishments to certify them as not complying with Jewish dietary law, a spokesman announced …
Rifts In Church Of Intersectionality Over Hierarchy Of Victimhood Rival intramural groups place either Muslims or transgender women of color at the top of the victimhood ladder, but not both. Berkeley, December 11 – Divisions among officials and lay figures in the world’s most progressive religious movement worsened today as the factions came close to blows over the question of which ethnic, social, or …
Islamic Cleric: Jews Judaizing Judaism “Do not fall for the trickery that is Jewish adherence to Judaism.” Cairo, November 28 – A prominent Muslim preacher sounded an alarm this week that Jews are attempting to make their foundational documents, beliefs, and practices seem Jewish, a development that continues what he called an ongoing Jewish effort to appropriate ideas, places, and …
Fraud Alleged On ‘America’s Got Rabbis’ “The stories of mohels down on their luck, but who can perform three circumcisions at once, strain credulity at best, and constitute outright fraud at worst.” Los Angeles, November 21 – Rabbinic circles buzzed today with emerging allegations that the most popular venue for aspiring authorities in Jewish law to strut their stuff on the …
Hamas Funeral Hits Snag As All Gravedigger Shovels Busy Digging Terror Tunnels Embarrassed movement figures attempted to downplay the mistake. Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip November 12 – Burial for a number of Islamist fighters killed in a clash with Israel yesterday encountered delays when cemetery workers discovered the equipment they needed to inter the bodies had been appropriated by their movement’s operational wing for purposes of excavating …
Activists Proud They’re Waiting Till After Shiva To Blame Pittsburgh Victims Not all activists are on board with the decision. Pittsburgh, November 1 – Members of anti-Israel groups congratulated themselves on their sensitivity this week for refraining from harassing those who lost loved ones in a mass synagogue shooting this past Saturday, and postponing any “you had it coming because Israel” accusations until the formal weeklong …
72 Virgins Each Get 1 Khashoggi Body Part “This is an unusual phenomenon,” admitted Archangel Gabriel. Janna, October 23 – A dissident Islamist journalist murdered and dismembered by agents of the Saudi Arabian regime three weeks ago received his reward of six dozen pristine women in Heaven for dying a martyr’s death, with each segment of his dismembered body assigned a different such consort. …
Pope To Transfer Accused Priests To Afghanistan, Where Western Media Ignore Pedophilia “The Holy Father’s chief concern has always been the good name of the Church, and this move, in his divinely-inspired assessment, will go furthest in ensuring that the scandal dies down.” Rome, October 11 – The leader of the Roman Catholic Church will soon take drastic steps to address the sexual abuse scandal plaguing the …
UN Condemns Israel For High Priest Throwing Palestinian Goat Off Cliff On Yom Kippur “Generations upon generations of Palestinian farmers have tilled the soil thus desecrated, and suffer the humiliation of occupation.” Geneva, September 1 – The United Nations Human Rights Council this afternoon issued the latest in a series of dozens of denunciations of Israel, citing the Day of Atonement ritual involving a he-goat sent hurtling backwards over a cliff …
Efforts To Organize “Pork-Eater Pride” Parade Fall Flat “I fail to see why our insistence on enjoying this pleasure of the flesh should attract little to no media attention, and thus no public awareness or political support, while theirs is always front-page news.” Jerusalem, August 1 – Advocates of rights for the pork-eating community voiced disappointment today when contrasting the success of the …
Really Strict Muslims Won’t Even Look At Muhammad’s Words The movement, which has yet to decide on a name, because if they did it might get rendered in writing or print in this article or elsewhere, numbers somewhere between twenty and fifty people. Cairo, July 25 – Concern that mere refusal to depict the founder and prophet of Islam provides insufficient safeguards against blasphemous …
God Wishes You’d Decide What He Thinks Already He proceeded to list numerous occasions on which human understanding of the divine will shifted, indicating a pathetic grasp of what the divine attribute of eternity means. Heaven, July 18 – Supernal sources reported today that the almighty creator of existence itself has grown what in anthropomorphic terms would be described as tired of human …
Barclays Withdraws Sponsorship Of War Vs. Midian After Capture, Enslavement Of Women “I predict many fewer such sponsorships, and an overhaul of the way Marketing approaches its mission.” Shittim, Plains of Moab, July 10 – A prominent player in the financial sector canceled its monetary support today for a retaliatory Israelite campaign against an enemy nation, following revelations that the victorious army took numerous women and children …
Madam Rosmerta’s Oak-Matured Mead to Get OU Supervision “It’s time for me to take my business beyond the magical community.” Hogsmeade, July 10 – Connoisseurs of this wizarding village’s unique delicacies reported a wave of interest today following an announcement that the largest organization in the world handling certification of foodstuffs for compliance with Jewish dietary laws has signed an agreement to oversee …
Terrorist Condemned To Return As Parent Of First-Grader Who Won’t Toilet Train Mr. Ali will return to Earthly life in approximately 2025, this time as a suburban father of three near Philadelphia. Seventh Circle of Hades, July 3 – A Palestinian jihadi who died trying to kill Jews will be reincarnated as the father of a six-year-old who refuses to relieve herself anywhere but in her clothes, …
Equality Activists Hoping To Force Male And Female Haredim To Use One Bathroom At Same Time “True liberation will not be achieved until men and women of all demographics, but especially the ultra-conservative, enter bathroom stalls at the same time.” Tel Aviv, June 27 – Representatives of several feminist groups battling to achieve equality of the sexes admitted feeling stung by a recent court ruling upholding a religious event in the …
Left Outraged As Rabbi Rules Rockets From Gaza Need Not Be Returned To Hamas “Found objects with identifiable marks of ownership don’t automatically become the property of the finder.” Tel Aviv, June 20 – Political and cultural figures railed against a Jewish religious leader today for informing an inquirer that he need not try to return to their previous known owners pieces of Hamas weaponry that he finds on …
Modesty Patrol Orders Store To Cover Macaroni Elbows Other varieties of pasta have presented no such problem. Jerusalem, June 13 – A local squad of self-appointed enforcers with a mission to maintain strict standards of behavioral and sartorial conservatism warned the proprietor of a neighborhood grocery store to conceal the macaroni elbow pasta he offers for sale, since community standards dictate all elbows …
Serpent Annoyed He Has To Tempt Eve With Something Stupid Like Fruit “Ooh, fruit, big deal,” muttered Samael with a roll of his slit-eyes. Garden of Eden, June 4 – The creature tasked with testing humanity’s adherence to direct divine imperatives complained this morning that he has at his disposal only the produce of a tree, and not something genuinely compelling such as chocolate, cheesecake, or a juicy …
Trojan Ads Rejected For Side Of Holy Ark Despite Absence Of Women “It might have just been that at least one of the ads uses images of pigs, which our teachings consider unclean animals,” suggested Er ben-Onan. Wilderness Of Sinai, May 28 – Manufacturers of a latex prophylactic voiced dissatisfaction today upon learning that their application to place a commercial message on the gold-covered box carried by …
Fisticuffs In Shul Over Whether TV Show Defiled Rashi Or Rabbeinu Tam Tefillin Paramedics treated nineteen people for injuries at the scene, all of them minor. Bnei Brak, May 17 – A fight broke out in a synagogue today following a controversial segment on a television program last night featuring the misuse of Jewish ritual objects, with each party to the fracas insisting the version of the objects …
Kanye Now Googling ‘How To Convert To Judaism’ “What is WRONG with you??” tweeted Women’s March leader Linda Sarsour. “Not that I have anything against Jews.” Los Angeles, May 9 – One of America’s premier entertainers continued to confuse and infuriate the political left this week by sharing a screenshot on social media that displayed his browser search history, in which the question …