Religion

Even if the half-ton of documents and other files contain no mention of such a fatwa, deal advocates insist, that does not discount its existence. Tel Aviv, May 3 – Technical experts and translators processing the vast quantity of documents and other information on Iran’s nuclear program taken by Mossad agents from a Tehran warehouse …

There appears to be a copious supply of SJWs who are still virgins. Jannah, April 26 – A reconfiguration of the protocols by which those who have never engaged in sexual intercourse are allotted to incoming Islamic shahids for the latter’s gratification now prioritizes the selection of those who devote their earthly energies to finding reasons …

“It’s the same problem all over again as with the spies – people in positions of influence who feel those positions threatened by impending or ongoing changes in society, and sabotage the eternal mission of Israel in the world just to preserve their political or social status.” Jericho, April 18 – Israel’s supreme court ordered …

In relationships with mankind modeled in other faiths, Allah noted, the temporal success of an endeavor did not perforce indicate His endorsement. Janna, April 15 – The Supreme Being voiced frustration today at some of His followers’ tendency to accept successes and conquests as evidence of divine sanction for their pursuits, but attributing failures or …

Other countries can still submit applications and documented evidence of their capacity for the kind of ethnic cleansing and mass murder that Israel has only committed in the imaginations of its enemies. Heaven, April 8 – Supernal sources indicated today that the Almighty has expressed displeasure with the performance of Israel in its work of exterminating the …

“What did they even eat?” Great Neck, March 21 – A resident of this town on Long Island’s north shore voiced bewilderment today upon discovering that the kosher-for-Passover versions of popular breakfast cereals were unavailable in ancient Israel, medieval Europe, eighteenth-century Persia, or even Manhattan’s Lower East Side until the last decade. Mehrdad Ebrani, a 42-year-old …

Changes made to the text include replacing “We were slaves to Pharaoh in Egypt” to “We were slaves to capitalist hegemony and the mainstream media.” Moscow, March 15 – Kremlin agents continue to sow discord and to undermine other nations’ sense of confidence in their leaders, sources reported today, with a new initiative that aims …

If an elf were to convert to Judaism, the creature’s status would be unclear. Hogsmeade, March 8 – Jewish students at the world’s most prestigious wizarding school voiced disappointment today upon receiving word that they could not rely on the services of house-elves to discharge the obligation of ensuring the possession of no leavened food …

He thinks it will backfire and alienate worshipers. Jerusalem, February 28 – The Prince of Peace was treated at a supernal medical facility this afternoon after aggravating his stigmata by slapping his forehead in consternation in response to religious leaders at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher closing the facility to protest impending legislation that …

“We’re flummoxed,” admitted lead researcher Adi Loyada. Jerusalem, February 26 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science voiced bafflement today at the healthy sales of traditional cookies and pastries in honor of the Purim holiday, noting that no one has ever observed a normal human actually consuming them. With the holiday approaching – Wednesday night-Thursday …

Organization executives explained that the incident demonstrated to them his dedication to suppressing coverage of his sexual escapades. Timnah, February 19 – A leading consortium of charities dedicated to fighting poverty in the developing world offered a high-ranking position to one of Jacob’s most prominent sons when it learned he possesses the most important characteristic …

They threatened anyone who gives the coins with violence, excommunication, and a boycott by all other families of their children in marriage. Wilderness of Sinai, February 13 – Ultra-orthodox members of the Israelite people withheld their half-shekel coins this week, contending that such a census to count the number of military-age males in the nation …

Speechwriters for prominent Palestinian officials have been instructed to append the menacing word “Talmudic” to various nouns associated with Israel. Jerusalem, February 7 – Diminishing returns on terminology on which Palestinian activists once relied to provoke outrage in the Muslim world have led them to take more and more desperate rhetorical measures, including a recent …

He has for years sought to develop a thesis that would allow him to dismiss or taint the source so as not to be forced to acknowledge a positive role for something with a religious pedigree. Tel Aviv, January 31 – A local campaigner against the influence of religion on public life averted a crisis …

“No human phenomenon is visible from space, at least not at this point in world history.” Memphis, January 24 – Credulous inhabitants of Pharaoh’s kingdom continue to maintain that the dramatic departure of the Israelite slave population from the country could be observed from outer space, local sources report. Social observers and skeptics bemoaned the …

Foul play has not been disproved. Heaven, January 18 – Supernal sources are reporting that the winged, angelic beings of this realm keep crashing into the pristine glass windows after assuming nothing is there. Archangel Raphael, who oversees medical affairs, told journalists this morning that angel-window accidents have spiked to three per month after holding …

“Compared to the evidence for a workable Two-State Solution, the idea that the Rebbe is Moshiach is a slam dunk.” Crown Heights, January 10 – Adherents of the belief that the late Rebbe of the Lubavitch Hasidic movement did not, in fact, die in 1994, expressed shock today that anyone could think the Two-State Solution to the …

The situation isn’t going to improve just because people are resetting their calendars. Eden, January 2 – Heavenly sources reported this evening that the Creator and Ruler of the Universe has issued numerous guffaws over your baseless assumption that the new year will offer any improvement over its predecessor. Ministering angels told reporters Tuesday night …

Assuming it does will only result in prolonged unnecessary suffering for everyone involved. Jerusalem, January 1 – Talmud scholars rushed to issue a proviso to a famous teaching today, warning that while most people are encouraged to view the universe as created with them specifically in mind so as to foster individual responsibility and empowerment, …

“It is permissible to temporarily pretend not to be a Torah-observant Jew so that one may speak his or her mind without facing trial by media for incitement.” Har Bracha, December 26 – Jewish religious leaders in Israel have begun counseling their followers to disguise themselves as non-religious if engaging in rhetoric that can be construed as …

Included in the ruling are humans, many of whom are descended from slaves once owned by Muslims. Jedda, December 20 – A religious official in this major Saudi city issued a ruling today that all money in the world belongs to Muslims and may not be held by others, as chances are it passed through …

“I’m getting a little sick of it.” Jerusalem, December 13 – An athletic, toned worshiper at a local synagogue has grown tired of his default role as the one who raises the open Torah scroll to show congregants the reading, the man confessed today. Ezra, a muscular man in his mid-twenties who declined to provide …

The most common combination is Fatah-Hamas. The Underworld, December 7 – Eternal punishment for Palestinians who devoted themselves to political violence involves sitting and listening to the bragging claims of other, competing militants, a spokesman for the Afterlife revealed in an interview. During a talk with PreOccupied Territory journalists Thursday, an assistant demon disclosed one …

They wouldn’t, rachmono litzlon, want to end up like the Chasidim, whose gyrating, dynamic dance moves are downright scandalous. Bnei Brak, November 30 – Scandal erupted this week in the world of Lithuanian Orthodox Jewry when a yeshiva student introduced a new dance to his classmates that involves shuffling around in a circle, but in the …

“Someone has to tell this so-called spiritual leader that he can’t just undo tradition with a wave of his hand.” Baltimore, November 23 – Female students at Johns Hopkins University staged a protest today at what they termed the permissive and sacrilegious attitude of the Chabad Rabbi serving at the institution after the latter informed …

Kerry declined to specify what religious authority issued such a fatwa. Washington, November 16 – Former Secretary of State John Kerry has continued his efforts to spread calm in a world troubled by the possibility of escalated sectarian conflict, reassuring Europe’s pre-WWII Jewish population that a religious ruling exists against attempts to annihilate any specific ethnic, religious, …

“This delay is unacceptable,” stated Rabbi Amok Tiegen. Jerusalem, November 7 – A confectionery and baked goods establishment in the nation’s capital has been forced to forfeit certification that its products conform to Jewish dietary practice, after inspectors from the Rabbinate discovered the business had failed to start producing Hanukkah pastries right after Sukkot finished. …

Acceptance of the bloodthirsty-conqueror-and-occupier descriptions applies in those academic and political circles only to the historical periods of Joshua and modern Zionism. Nablus, November 1 – Academics and public figures who under normal circumstances dismiss the early events in Jewish Scripture as non-historical fantasy or metaphor have taken a different attitude toward the portions describing …

“We’re seeing a media master at work,” remarked analyst Kevin Spacey. Jerusalem, October 30 – The David administration made a successful attempt to redirect recent talk of an emerging scandal regarding the king’s alleged affair with a married woman this week by coming out of the closet, media observers have noted. When threatened with opprobrium …

Industry insiders describe the features as the latest in a long line of adaptations for the Haredi real estate market. Bnei Brak, October 25 – Real Estate developers and architects targeting the Haredi market have identified a trend they hope will lead to the construction and sale of more appealing residential properties, in the form …

The angel declined to divulge the number of blasphemy incidents detected since Twitter implemented notifications for mentions. San Francisco, October 18 – Heavenly enforcers raked with identifying and tracking blasphemy have had a much easier time since social media platforms began alerting users when others mention them in posts, a divine spokesangel stated today. Speaking …

“Of course we’re disappointed,” declared a smirking Rabbi Phineas Birnbaum. Caldwell, NJ, October 10 – Municipal authorities ruled with the plaintiffs in a hearing this afternoon that a ritual structure built on public land for the Jewish festival of Tabernacles must be dismantled within fourteen days, an outcome that observers say did not seem to …

“I just know I could have been part of something uplifting and amazing, and I just decided not to.” Tel Aviv, October 1 – A resident of Israel’s commercial and financial hub who declined the opportunity to move about the city on two wheels yesterday fears he may have squandered his chance to experience was …

“We’ve seen more and more of these patients recently,” observed Gabriel. Paradise, September 6 – The Palestinian attacker who shot and killed three Israelis and injured a fourth this morning at a community northwest of Jerusalem, and was fatally shot in the process, has been admitted to the supernal psychiatric section and remains under quarantine, …

“This is an outrage,” wrote one prominent community member on Facebook. West Hempstead, NY, September 18 – Hundreds of Jews will gather this coming Thursday afternoon at Hall’s Pond for an annual Rosh Hashanah ritual that demonstrates a desire to have one’s sins cast away into the depths forever, but many in the area are …

Must a bus hired to transport a group of women be treated in the same manner as a bus that serves a mixed population, or does the vehicle’s status vary with the composition of its passengers? Bet Shemesh, September 14 – Controversy over the place of women in the Haredi community erupted again this week after …

“God saw that it was good,” He declared with the hint of a smile on His lips. Rome, September 10 – The Son of God called on Pope Francis this morning, and on his way through the portions of Vatican City containing priceless art, spent several long minutes admiring the nude figures depicted in the …

Denials of the reports have only fueled speculation of a sweeping coverup and efforts to dig up more evidence. Sura, September 5 – Rumors are swirling in this Mesopotamian city that the venerable scholar who runs the prestigious academy has been deceased for years, and that a lookalike has taken his place. Disciples and townspeople have …

“Ephron was really giving him the hard sell,” recalled a witness. Kiryat Arba, Canaan, August 31 – Negotiations over Abraham’s purchase of a burial site for his wife concluded this morning, but witnesses reported this afternoon that at first, sellers attempted to convince the Hebrew patriarch to acquire a time share on the property instead …

The Sanhedrin voted 70-1 in favor of the motion. Jerusalem, August 27 – The highest court in Jewish Law has decreed that Twitter users who click “Like” on a tweet when no compelling reasons exist for any response other than clicking “Retweet,” the offending user will receive up to forty stripes with a leather whip, …

As evidence, the Islamic authorities point to the fact that they never need real evidence. Jerusalem, August 23 – Spiritual leaders at a contested Jerusalem holy site are warning that the Jewish practice of sounding a ram’s horn each weekday morning this lunar month is meant to exhort Jews to demolish the mosque that stands …

“You do Me no favors by showcasing your insecurity over the observations of a celebrity.” Jerusalem, August 16 – Jesus Christ, son of God, the Prince of Peace, King of the Jews, Messiah and Savior, shrugged His shoulders today and stated He had no problem with John Lennon of the Beatles asserting they were more …

“It’s not even Neil Young – it’s Neil Young wannabe, which is somehow even worse.” Hades, August 14 – Perpetrators of political violence aimed at innocents face a new regimen of eternal suffering in the afterlife, consisting of a continuous playing of the 1971 single “A Horse with No Name” by the soft-rock group America. …

The trend is strongest among wives whose parents cannot afford to support the couple in as lavish a fashion as their more fortunate peers. Lakewood, New Jersey, August 8 – Increasing pressure on the wives of men who study in yeshiva full time to maintain a respectable standard of living has led more and more of the …

The vast majority of the world’s approximately 15 million Jews now refrain from Torah study all year long. Jerusalem, August 1 – The mourning practices associated with the saddest day on the Jewish calendar include a prohibition against studying all but a select group of somber texts, lest one get distracted and joyful through engaging …

The group acknowledges the need now to compensate for the races, day camp activities, gymnastics displays, and other sacred rituals that were not performed on the Temple Mount during that period. Jerusalem, July 27 – Religious officials at Islam’s third-holiest site plan to waste no time today upon coming back there in making up for …

In exchange for a monthly fee, they may display certification of supervision, regardless of how often the facility is actually subject to inspection, if at all. Jerusalem, July 23 – Representatives of the Chief Rabbinate division charged with overseeing compliance with Jewish dietary laws in the preparation of food at restaurants and factories proposed a …

Jews have maintained a security presence in and around the compound for fifty years, a disgrace to Islam so intense that it calls into question the notion that Allah is, in fact, as akbar as His worshipers proclaim. Jerusalem, July 19 – The God of Muslims is so powerful and great that He is unable …

“Almond trees, like all trees, are not objects to be used or invoked by humanity at will, but creatures that deserve dignity.” Anatot, Kingdom of Judah, July 13 – Ecology-minded activists and organizations issued a rebuke to the prophet Jeremiah today over what they termed his exploitative use of an almond branch to make an …

Balaam was seen administering an ass-whipping or two when his beast refused to comply with his wishes. Qiryat Hutzot, July 7 – The Aramean prophet Balaam, son of Be’or, has been making pronouncements from his ass, witnesses have stated. Two young assistants to the seer-sorcerer reported today (Friday) that Balaam could be heard pontificating atop his …

Activists expressed satisfaction that their concerns are being addressed. Tel Aviv, July 3 – Ongoing debate over the role and presence of religious content in the secular education system intensified over the last two weeks, leading the Tel Aviv Municipality to remove all use of the Hebrew language in municipal schools, owing to the language’s …

“We demand that the prime minister reverse his shameful kowtowing to the ultra-orthodox, and kowtow to us instead.” New York, June 29 – Representatives of the liberal streams of Judaism in the US and Israel expressed intense anger this week at Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s move to freeze an arrangement at the Western Wall that …

Five hundred million souls would have gone a long way toward meeting the Devil’s futures quota for the second and third quarters of 2017. Hades, June 25 – The Prince of Darkness has withdrawn from an agreement to assume control of the professional networking medium LinkedIn after discovering that not a single soul was available …

“The earth opening up and swallowing might violate international law,” asserted Ken ben-Roth of Arab Rights Watch. Wilderness of Zin, June 20 – The rebellion of a tribal chieftain among the Israelites resulted in the ground devouring him, his sons, and other ringleaders of the insurrection this morning, briefly exposing the subterranean network of passages …

“Finding the sweet spot for our product can spread things wide open for us in other arenas.” New York, June 15 – Condé-Nasty Publications announced today that starting next month it will begin selling a magazine aimed at the growing demographic of Porn-Again Christians, called Repenthouse. The magazine will come monthly to its subscribers and be available …

“There’s a tremendous market for such a skill.” Jerusalem, June 15 – An oversight group tasked with reviewing the activities of government-funded training enterprises to assist Haredim in acquiring job skills for better integration into the working world and wider society has discovered that one such institution focuses only on teaching its students how to …

Her Pontius Pie Plate has become popular. Patty Kaik is in many ways your typical Crustian: flaky with a passion for cheeses. But her devotion to the cause makes even many of her peers sit up and take notice. Ms. Kaik began her confectionery from home as a sideline about ten years ago for Yeaster. …

“If the influence of those forces is as invidious as Westboro claims, then perforce Westboro is not immune to them.” Topeka, June 2 – In keeping with its tradition of seeing the influence of homosexuality everywhere, the Westboro Baptist Church began picketing its own establishment today, holding a protest to call attention to what it …

Congregations and relieved parents have already placed orders for hundreds of thousands of copies, and RePress, the publisher, will have to produce a second run. Chicago, June 2 – Concerned about the effects that exposure to violence, sex and gore can have on the impressionable minds of children, the Union Methodist Church has published a “family …

The ability to digest dairy products beyond infancy results from a genetic mutation uncommon among Jews. Teaneck, May 28 – Staff at the Butterflake Bakery in this Bergen County, New Jersey township are noting the usual uptick in cheesecake purchases in advance of this week’s Feast of Weeks, when a longstanding Jewish tradition calls for the …