Showing 481–540 of 599 articles · Page 9 of 10
EXCLUSIVE: Israel’s Plans For Temple Mount: Dome Of The Hard Rock Cafe Axl Rose has already taken to referring to himself as Al-Axl Rose for the occasion. Jerusalem, November 8 – Sources in Israel’s Ministry of Religious Services revealed exclusively to PreOccupied Territory that the government plans to transform the iconic Dome of the Rock into a theme restaurant that fuses archaeology, spirituality, and famous pop artists. The new …
Scholars: Islamic Sources Justifying Lying Might Have Been Lying Under Taqqiyya, fraudulent claims of Israeli brutality become religiously acceptable, since the goal is a noble one. Cairo, November 4 – Religious scholars at Egypt’s Quds Qollege have discovered that the originators of the use of the Islamic philosophy of Taqqiyya to justify lying for noble purposes may have been falsifying it, a spokesman for …
Palestinians To Accommodate Haredim By Not Stabbing Them On Sabbath Several helpful users provided handy diagrams to help the uninitiated distinguish between traditional Haredi garb and various Goth-type fashion trends. Jerusalem, October 30 – Leaders in the Palestinian community urged their followers today to show some religious tolerance by avoiding stabbing ultra-Orthodox Jews on the Sabbath, local sources are reporting. Palestinian social and broadcast media …
Waqf To Open Temple Mount To All Non-Non-Muslims The model for this religious accommodation comes from Mecca. Jerusalem, October 26 – Citing the principle of religious freedom, the Jordanian religious institution that governs the internal affairs of the Temple Mount (Haram al-Sharif) facilities announced today that it would open the Mount to visitors from all religious faiths that are not not Islam. Violence …
Martyrs Begin Abandoning Heaven Amid Halal Meat Shortage The halal shortage began late last month, say Heavenly sources, when Chicago Cubs fans began using goats to try to reverse the 108-year-old curse on their favorite baseball club. Paradise, October 21 – Thousands of Muslims who gave their lives for the defense or advancement of Islam are leaving the Heavenly realm in protest over …
To Prevent Al Aqsa Desecration, Palestinians To Torch It As Well The move comes after Palestinian rioters set alight Joseph’s Tomb in Nablus (Shechem) last night, a site claimed as sacred by both Jews and Muslims. Jerusalem, October 16 – Religious leaders at Al Aqsa Mosque are planning to burn down the shrine to prevent Jews from desecrating the site with what Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas …
Paper Fires Caricaturists; ‘Muslims Doing It Fine By Themselves’ Given the cartoonish behavior of so many Muslims, there appears to be no function left for a caricaturist to serve. Copenhagen, October 12 – A Scandinavian publication known for its irreverent depictions of the prophet Muhammad dismissed its staff of cartoonists today, noting that the behavior of Muslims, especially in the Middle East, provided enough …
Fatwa: Rocks Used To Attack Jews Also Granted Paradise He clarified after his sermon that the pleasures of Paradise will belong to any type of object used in an attempt to kill Jews. Jerusalem, October 7 – A leading Muslim cleric has declared that attacks on Jews involving rocks or other projectiles also guarantee a place in Heaven for the projectiles, not only the …
US Complains Was Not Notified Of Sukkah-Building Frenzy Washington, October 8 – Aides to US President Barack Obama expressed displeasure today over not being informed of plans to assemble tens of thousands of makeshift residential structures over the last week in Jewish communities in areas both Israel and the Palestinians claim. The huts mostly consist of wood panels, or of metal frames holding …
Friends, Family Members Of Vegans Exempted From Yom Kippur Fast The practice of not wearing leather shoes on Yom Kippur carries an increased risk of triggering a nearby vegan’s compulsion to mention or discuss his or her diet. Jerusalem, September 22 – When this evening ushers in the most solemn day on the Jewish calendar, while perhaps millions of Jews will begin abstaining from food …
Obama Refuses To Pardon Kapparot Chickens “The only way I can understand this decision is a presidential attempt to snub people who worked to defeat one of his signature initiatives,” said political commentator Darr K. Emory. Washington, September 21 – With the traditional Jewish ritual of Kapparot a day away, President Obama declined to offer his pardon to a chicken that …
Mecca To Chip Away At Kaaba To Arm Temple Mt. Palestinians Partial demolition of the Kaaba could begin as early as next week. Mecca, September 16 – The mayor of Islam’s holiest city announced plans today to provide rocks to Palestinians on the Temple Mount in Jerusalem by breaking off pieces of the Kaaba building in the city’s most famous mosque so that the Palestinians could …
Stoners Disappointed By So-Called ‘High’ Holidays “There’s the part of the Yom Kippur liturgy in which there’s a confession that talks about things that will get you stoned, but it turns out that means something totally not cool.” Sacramento, September 13 – Marijuana enthusiasts expressed dismay at the arrival of the Jewish High Holidays, saying that in their experience, there is …
In Concession, Imam Rules Dead Westerners Need Not Accept Islam However, especially in the case of Jewish graves, a thorough effort must be made to damage, deface, or otherwise vandalize them. Cairo, September 10 – A leading religious authority in the Sunni Muslim world issued a landmark ruling today in which he exempted already-deceased non-Muslims from conversion, reversing centuries of hard-line Islamic thought. Imam Ayam …
Pre-Muhammad Quran Suggests Muslims Also Stole ‘Apes And Pigs’ Epithet Scholars remain divided on the implications, primarily because the dating of the document cannot be pinned down precisely. Birmingham, England, September 1 – Scientists examining the newly discovered Quran segment in a Birmingham library revealed today that the document may be older than Muhammad himself, leading scholars to consider reassessing the early history of Islam. …
Football Association Threatens To Disband League As If That A Bad Thing “We’re talking a waste of time, money, and energy, at best, and full-blown violence-inducing idolatry at worst.” Jerusalem, August 31 – Tensions increased between Minister of Economic Affairs Arye Deri and the Israeli Football Association today as the Association threatened to shut down all organized leagues in the country if the minister did not grant …
Heaven Announces Plan To Pave Paradise, Put Up Parking Lot Administrators may not know the true inventory until it has been removed. Eden, August 27 – A divine spokesangel announced a new development plan for the supernal realms today, with the primary change involving the transfer of Heaven to a different, still undetermined, location, to be replaced by an outdoor parking facility. The parking facility became …
Congregation Keeps Clicking ‘Skip Ad’ Before Torah Reading Demand for the advertising space has dried up, and the revenue stream is all but gone. Lafayette, LA, August 23 – An attempt to generate much-needed revenue amid shrinking membership rolls at a local synagogue has hit a snag, as advertisers have noticed that the congregation overwhelmingly chooses at the first opportunity to skip the commercials that …
Haredim: Independent Conversions Might Lead To Mixed Dancing “The main reason for prohibitions against sexual intercourse in a standing position is the danger that it could become mixed dancing.” Jerusalem, August 18 – Israeli religious leaders on the conservative end of the spectrum continued to voice opposition this week to conversions performed outside the official Rabbinate’s auspices, explaining that such a phenomenon might …
Newly Discovered Talmud Tractate ‘Nahagin’ Bars Backseat Driving Nahagin apparently lies in the third order of the Mishna’s six divisions, which addresses laws governing male-female relationships. Jerusalem, August 13 – Researchers sifting through fragments from the medieval repository of manuscript remnants called the Cairo Geniza have unearthed a previously unknown section of the Talmud that governs behavior in a motor vehicle, including a specific …
Rabbinate Approves Ads On Head-Tefillin The decals are mounted in such a way that under Jewish law they are considered adhering to, but not part of, the ritual ornament. Jerusalem, August 8 – Israel’s Chief Rabbis endorsed a new ruling this morning that allows the use of certain decals on Tefillin, a decision that is expected to help many low-income, religiously observant families …
Heat Wave Convinces Rabbis To Relax Clothing Modesty Laws Bnei Brak and Kiryat Sefer, two cities with an almost completely Haredi population, featured men walking around in Crocs of subdued colors. Jerusalem, August 3 – Sweltering under an unprecedented heat wave hitting the region, Israel’s leading Rabbis took the revolutionary step of suspending modest-attire laws for the duration of the high-temperature period, expected to …
In Nod To BDS, Jesus To Avoid Appearing On Israeli Toast Christ said He hopes His move will lead other divine figures to take similar steps to help inspire humanity to right injustices. Heaven, July 30 – The Lord and Savior Jesus Christ finally weighed in directly on the controversial Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement against Israel today, telling reporters that effective immediately He would make it a …
Religion Ministry Sends Search Party To Help Evangelicals Find Jesus “We will of course take into account eyewitness reports that he has appeared elsewhere in the world, such as on pieces of toast in Arkansas, but the most reliable accounts place him in these parts.” Jerusalem, July 22 – Minister of Religious Services David Azulai, hearing that Evangelical Christians have been inquiring of people whether …
Rival Bible Code Partisans Tout Different Cookie Recipes From Genesis Jeffrey and Coombs have publicly questioned the statistical validity of the Witztum-Rips chocolate chip cookie, and the two factions have been exchanging heated e-mails ever since.
Rabbinate’s Kosher Supervisors Qualify As Iran Inspectors “The nuclear inspection program could be a wonderful opportunity for our underemployed supervisors.” Jerusalem, July 16 – The International Atomic Energy Agency announced today that in keeping with the leniency shown to Iran under the recent Vienna agreement, inspections of Iranian nuclear facilities would be performed by kashrut supervisors from Israel’s Chief Rabbinate, which have …
Hell Now Wheelchair Accessible “These are but the latest features in a Hell much more accepting of persons with disabilities.” River Styx Crossing, July 12 – A new renovation to the Underworld has brought physical improvements that include enhanced compatibility for people who can only get around using a wheelchair, a spokesdemon told reporters today. Beelzebub announced at a …
Other 11 Months Renamed Ramadan To Maintain Terrorism Levels “We cannot allow the mere shift in phases of the moon to dictate that we diminish our efforts to drive the Jewish ape-pig infidel from the land.” Jerusalem, July 7 – Muslims have responded enthusiastically to calls encouraging them to embrace the month of Ramadan to augment their attacks on the enemies of Islam, leading …
Suicide Bomber Denied 72 Virgins; Forgot To Yell ‘Allahu Akbar’ He will be allowed to watch as others are provided their allotment of six dozen virgins. Rafah, Egypt, July 1 – Mustafa Ali Al-Masri, 22, blew himself up in this Egyptian border town today, injuring six paramilitary police, but will not be permitted to enjoy the full extent of Paradise because he neglected to yell, “God is …
70% Think Lyric Is ‘Who Put The Ram In The Ramadan? A Ding-Dong’ “When I encounter that, I’m revved up like a douche.” Houston, June 27 – A survey of music consumers revealed this week that a solid majority believe the name of the monthlong Islamic practice of daytime fasting called Ramadan is mentioned in the 1961 doo-wop hit “Who Put the Bomp.” The song, in which the …
Spelling-Challenged Anti-Islam Activists Protest Vail (Colorado) The name “Vail” gives undeserved tribute to a culture that subjugates women, promotes terrorism, and suppresses dissent. Vail, CO, June 17 – A group of semiliterate activists opposed to Islamic practices demonstrated in this Rocky Mountain resort town Wednesday, demanding that the village and its economic anchor, the ski resort, select a name that does …
Israel Only Mideast Country Promoting Safe Sects In many Mideast societies it takes force to unite opposite sects. Jerusalem, June 10 – A survey of Middle East religious communities and their host countries shows that Israel remains the only country in the region that makes it a policy to promote safe sects for all, a new report shows. The report took an intimate …
IS Vows To Follow Islamic Tradition Of Capturing, Neglecting Jerusalem Jerusalem’s history bears evidence of this repeating pattern, from the initial Islamic conquest in the seventh century CE to the relatively short-lived Jordanian occupation of 1948-1967. Ar-Raqqah, Syria, June 3 – A spokesman for the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant today affirmed his group’s aspiration to reclaim Jerusalem on behalf of all Muslims and, …
Attendees Sure Everyone Else Covering Synagogue Expenses Many believe that the institution exists to serve their spiritual needs and sense of community, but that no reciprocal element of that relationship exists. Jerusalem, May 26 – To a man, each person present at Friday night services has convinced himself that others are taking care of the various costs inherent in running the synagogue, …
Haredi Paper Forgets To Airbrush Out Hot New Minister The photograph in question also included two other female cabinet members, Minister of Culture Miri Regev and Deputy Foreign Minister Tzipi Hotovely, but their hotness has been overshadowed by that of Minister Shaked. Jerusalem, May 17 – An ultra-orthodox daily newspaper was forced to recall all available copies from newsstands Sunday after newsroom staff …
Rabbis: Avoid Gharqad Wood In Lag BaOmer Bonfires Judaism authority Ali Abunimah says the Rabbis saw fit to warn Israelis not to use it because of their fundamental insecurity about their faith. Jerusalem, May 6 – In advance of the minor festival of Lag BaOmer that begins Wednesday night, Israel’s Chief Rabbinate issued a warning not to use the wood of the gharqad bush …
Haredi Transport Minister To Airbrush Women From Driver License Photos Aides to the minister said existing licenses would not be recalled and reissued to conform to the guidelines, as such a ruling would be unduly disruptive and unfair to the public. Jerusalem, April 30 – Incoming Minister of Transport Moshe Gafni instructed his aides today to begin preparing for a new ministry policy under which …
Muslims Demand Everest Be Made Shorter Than Al-Aqsa Historically, the Muslim rulers of Jerusalem were able to enforce a ban on non-Muslim structures higher than Al Aqsa, but did not always choose to do so. Mecca, April 23 – Islamic authorities expressed outrage today that any structure would be made higher than one of Islam’s holiest sites, and demanded that the government of …
Synagogue Cancels Holocaust Memorial Event Lest It Offend Muslims Congregation members would instead be invited to a colloquium with local Muslim leaders to discuss the Palestinian experience of oppression. New York, April 16 – A metropolitan-area synagogue called off its planned ceremony in memory of the Holocaust to avoid giving offense to adherents of Islam, the synagogue’s president told reporters today. The Reconstructionist Congregation Sonei …
Rabbinical Student Still Waiting For Part About How To Control World He keeps not finding any hint of how to dominate the global economy while keeping a boot on the throat of the goyim. Brooklyn, April 8 – A candidate for rabbinical ordination nearing the end of his course of study has yet to encounter the parts of the curriculum covering the methods and techniques for …
UN To Investigate 10 Plagues As Possible Crimes Against Humanity The Council has already appointed Canadian professor William Schabas to head the commission, citing his experience with similar inquiries. Geneva, April 1 – The United Nations Human Rights Council has appointed a commission to collect and analyze evidence that the ten plagues wrought against Egypt violated international law, and may constitute crimes against humanity. Egypt …
Man Caught Trying To Smuggle Tiny Parchments In His Phylacteries In an unrelated incident at Malpensa this morning, security was alerted to a possible suicide bomber when a traveler from Tel Aviv was seen with strings protruding from under his shirt. Milan, Italy, March 26 – Security and customs officials at Malpensa Airport report this morning that a man has been remanded to Interpol custody …
Rabbi Accidentally Issues Fatwa “Frankly, I’m not sure what to make of this,” said Rabbi Grosser Chumra of Bnei Brak. Jerusalem, March 17 – A leader of a prominent faction of Ultra-Orthodox Jews in Israel mistakenly invoked his religious authority in the form of an Islamic ruling today, sowing confusion among his followers and the general public. Rabbi Shmuel …
Rabbinate Warns Gentile Blood For Matza Scarcer This Year Generous assessments have the number of missing children at close to 14,000, but the Hamas-run Ministry of Health balks at such inflated numbers and accuses those who promote them of purveying naked propaganda. Jerusalem, March 11 – Israel’s Chief Rabbis issued an alert today that consumers should be prepared to shop for Passover matza earlier this …
Harvard: Homosexuality Created By Zionists To Pervert Muslims As a result of the Zionist homosexuality pathogen, the frequency of homosexuality in the Muslim world has increased four hundredfold in the ensuing eighty years. Cambridge, Massachusetts, March 4 – Researchers at Harvard University Medical School have concluded that homosexuality in its current form was the product of a Zionist effort to undermine the social …
Rabbis Rule Software Must Ask 3 Times Before Format Conversion The new rules, called the Graphic Interface Yes-Urging Requirements (GIYUR), are aimed at gauging the sincerity of file conversions and weeding out the potentially dangerous ones. Jerusalem, February 25 – Israel’s Chief Rabbinate instituted new rules today for handling the conversion of files to different formats, establishing that the user must be asked on three …
God Officially Forsakes Bad Tippers If the rollout proves successful, a similar policy will be applied to airline passengers who treat flight attendants and fellow travelers with disrespect. Heaven, February 20 – The Lord Almighty confirmed today that He has formally embarked on a policy of no longer paying attention to the needs of people who withhold tips at restaurants …
NYT Lost On What Synagogue, Kosher Market Have In Common “We note the worrisome trend of people associating violence by people of the Muslim faith with violence by people of the Muslim faith.” New York, February 15 – Editors at the New York Times are struggling to find a common denominator among shooting incidents that targeted Jewish sites in Europe, wondering whether in fact Europe is …
LORD Edits ‘Distance Thyself From Falsehood’ To ‘Don’t Get Caught’ By evening, a summary and brief commentary by a Bnei Brak Rabbi had appeared, entitled Cover Thy Ass. Heaven, February 14 – The omnipotent Creator announced today that He will issue a modification to a famous statute proscribing perjury, departing from the accepted 2,500-year-old literal interpretation of it and clarifying that the verse only bars getting …
Other Religious Wars Miffed Obama Didn’t Cite Them “We suspect the president chose them simply because some of the Crusades were fought against Muslim armies, which, frankly, smacks of discrimination.” Wittenberg, Germany, February 8 – The backlash against US President Barack Obama’s invocation of the Crusades last week intensified today when other religious conflicts expressed displeasure at again being overlooked. The Hussite Wars …
Trees Totally Oblivious Tu Bishvat Coming “Unlike humans, who never really mature. Trees have no need for our fickle sensibilities, and our tendency to seize every moment.” Sacher Park, Jerusalem, February 1 – The trees in this wooded patch of the city remain completely unaware that the country around them is preparing to celebrate them on Wednesday, sources within the arboreal …
Hamas Quietly Looking To Sell Giant Nude Portrait Of Muhammad “Even though this is high art, those philistines in ISIS probably don’t understand the finer points of Islamic culture.” By Tzvi Ben Yaakov Gaza City, January 22 – What has long greeted visiting journalists and dignitaries to the palatial Hamas headquarters in Gaza City was a surprise: an imposing, forty-foot-tall portrait of the prophet Muhammad, riding naked …
Biblical Zoo Acquires Leviathan; Seeks Larger Site Beit Shemesh, January 21 – One of Israel’s small, niche zoos has put itself on the map by becoming the first such establishment in the world to house the legendary Leviathan. The Biblical Museum of Natural History in the Northern Industrial Zone of this town west of Jerusalem specializes in showcasing the creatures mentioned by name …
Obama WAS In Paris; Ultra-Orthodox Racists Photoshopped Him Out Washington, January 13 – White House officials on the defensive over President Obama’s apparent absence from Sunday’s rally in Paris were taken aback by the charges that he had neglected to attend or send high-ranking representatives, since he actually was present – but then the officials were unable to rebut the accusations when they discovered …
God, Angels Laughing Riotously Over Muhammad Cartoons The Heavens, January 7 – The LORD Almighty and His ministering angels are just tickled pink, as it were, by the hullabaloo surrounding cartoons and films mocking Muhammad, heavenly sources say. “Thus saith the LORD: Thou canst not make this stuff up,” reported the archangel Gabriel, his seraphic cheeks ruddy from peals of hysteria. “For lo, …
Herzog Urges Goodwill Gesture Of Letting Pharaoh Slay Some Babies Pithom, Ancient Egypt, January 4 – Israelite Opposition head Isaac Herzog criticized what he called his nation’s “intransigent” leadership, and called on his fellow Hebrews to make some concessions in their ongoing conflict with the Egyptian king. To kick off negotiations with Pharaoh on positive terms, this morning Herzog suggested that his people agree to kill at …
God Discovers Humanity’s Prayers In Spam Folder Heaven, December 29 – An embarrassed Almighty told reporters today that He had failed to receive the vast majority of people’s petitions over the last several millennia, as the filtering software He had installed ages ago on His incoming messages had diverted almost all of them to the junk mail folder. God called a press …
Dreidel Feels Completely Misunderstood New York, December 23 – Gyrone, a four-year-old decorative dreidel, has become increasingly frustrated over the years with the ignorance displayed by anyone and everyone he encounters, and their short attention span. “Nobody seems to have any idea what I’m all about, and their misapprehension of my purpose,” he lamented in a recent interview. “People …
Haredim Puzzled By World’s Use Of Sukkah Decorations In December Bnei Brak, Israel, December 16 – Israeli ultra-orthodox Jews voiced confusion this week upon seeing vast stretches of foreign cities and towns decorated with tinsel, a material obviously intended for the Sukkah. The holiday of Sukkot ended two months ago, and Jews of all stripes have by this time dismantled their temporary dwellings for the …
Meah Shearim EMTs To Treat Only The Modestly Dressed Jerusalem, December 10 – Volunteer paramedics serving the ultra-orthodox Jerusalem enclave of Meah Shearim have announced that effective immediately, they will refuse medical treatment to anyone whose attire does not meet the modesty requirements of Jewish law. The local volunteer EMT organization Pikuach Nefesh posted flyers around the neighborhood this morning apprising residents of the …