Religion

Tel Aviv, December 3 – The popular internet news site Ynet announced today that in the coming election season it would cap the number of articles bashing religion and religious people at a little more than one per day. Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu dismissed two of his top cabinet members yesterday, making early elections almost …

Bnei Brak, November 27 – Growing stringency in the practice of Jewish law among the ultra-orthodox has a new generation of adherents arranging to undergo circumcision a second – and sometimes third – time after they reach adulthood, observers report. The Torah requires every Jewish male to undergo Brit Milah, or the covenant of circumcision, on …

Jerusalem, November 19 – Palestinian religious authorities softened their stance on Jewish access to the Temple Mount today, declaring that they had removed the restriction on Jewish prayer at the compound for anyone more than 150 years old. The Waqf, or religious council that administers the site, announced the new policy amid Palestinian violence against …

Amman, Jordan, November 13 – A leading Sunni preacher in the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan made waves today by floating the notion that Islam might take a kind view of treating the grave markers of Jews with respect. Hassan Ali Al-Hajez of the capital city’s Ibrahimi Mosque shocked worshipers during his sermon by suggesting the …

An attempt to fulfill the millennia-old dream of ushering in the messianic age by having all Jews observe a single Sabbath was spoiled this Saturday by Morty Hope, a 41-year-old Jew from Anchorage, Alaska, who violated the holy day by lighting a cigarette. The announcement, sure to dispirit many, was made by a “bat kol,” …

Mosul, Iraq, November 2 – Crumbling technological infrastructure in the war-torn Middle East is wreaking havoc with Islamic martyrs’ ability to reach their promised 72 virgins, religious leaders told reporters today. The civil war in Syria, tribal fighting in Iraq, sectarian violence in Lebanon, and several other raging conflicts in the region have seriously disrupted …

Washington, DC, October 26 – Despite numerous episodes in recent decades of Rabbis engaging in dishonest, lecherous, or otherwise immoral behavior, the Orthodox world has still somehow found itself in shock over revelations that a DC-area Rabbi had secretly recorded video of women preparing to immerse in the Mikveh, as if certification in knowledge of …

“…this house of prayer to YHWH our God, made by the King David so that the king use the other house of prayer located…” Jerusalem, October 20 – Excavators working to the south of the Old City have discovered what they believe is the synagogue that the legendary King David built for purposes of not …

Jerusalem, October 13 – After focusing for nearly a thousand years on the ritual inclusion of non-Jewish blood in their Passover unleavened bread, Jews have begun to broaden their use of the special substance in other foodstuffs beyond the strictly ritual realm. Jewish food establishment proprietors report that in recent months they have encountered requests …

Jerusalem, October 2 – A Jerusalem resident intends to launch a cat off the roof of his apartment building this Saturday to commemorate an ancient Jewish atonement rite involving goats. Gidon Levi, 40, will partially reenact the Biblical scapegoat ritual for the Jewish Day of Atonement, which this year begins this Friday evening just before …

Beersheba, the Land of Canaan – Canaanite authorities have placed Abraham under arrest today, alleging that he recklessly endangered the life of his son by almost sacrificing the child to the LORD. Abraham, a father of two residing in the town of Hebron, was taken into custody yesterday afternoon by the Negev Division of the …

Bnei Brak, September 18 – In a bid to harness the youthful energy and accumulated experience of the Ultra-Orthodox population in protesting violations of the Sabbath in their neighborhoods, the Israeli government has launched a program to recruit Haredi men and boys to harass and yell “Schabas!” at the members of the UN Human Rights …

Jerusalem, September 10 – The Christian Savior has had his prophesied return delayed again following disagreement among Israeli, Jordanian, and Palestinian officials over which political entity will handle his travel documents. Jesus Christ, who had foretold his return after coming back to life after being crucified nearly two thousand years ago, attempted to enter Jerusalem …

Seattle, Washington, September 3 – Temple De Hirsch Sinai administrators found themselves in hot water today after members discovered that the synagogue had overbooked its seats for the High Holidays under the assumption that some would fail to attend. Congregational leaders have assailed the policy, calling it exploitative and unsavory. The administration has promised that …

Rome, August 27 – Roman Catholic Church officials are looking to leverage the popularity of the current pope beyond his lifetime, fearful that any successors to Francis will not possess his charisma, warmth, and love for the downtrodden. The College of Cardinals, which would choose the next pope, is considering a proposal to retain Francis …

Jerusalem, August 22 – Israel’s two Chief Rabbis issued a joint ruling today that internet spam, like actual Spam™, is not kosher and must be properly purged before an inbox may be used again. Spam, a pork product produced my the Hormel corporation, is by definition not kosher, as Torah law forbids the consumption of …

Hinnom Valley, Jerusalem, August 17 – The ancient Near-Eastern god most notoriously known for receiving child sacrifice remarked today that he remains unmoved by Palestinian tactics that often result in the death of children, stating that a display of true devotion would be marked by more courageous, direct killing of children, and not murdering them …

Rafah, August 13 – One patriotic and enterprising Gaza printer made a figurative killing last month after coming up with the idea of selling blank books with Quran covers at a steep discount for purposes of posing just so in the bombed-out ruins of mosques hit by Israel during the war. Hamas made heavy use …

Jerusalem, August 7 – Officials at Israel’s Ministry of Religious Services are worried that too many consumers will be able to avoid disturbing issues when purchasing produce during the Sabbatical year, and are working to ensure that several layers of cronyism, politics, and bureaucracy are available to thwart those who try. Shmittah, the Sabbatical year, …

Heaven, August 1 – The supreme power in the universe, Allah, complained today that His brow hurts from all the times he has reacted with dismay and disbelief to the actions of those who claim to be his followers. The One True God let His displeasure be known after Hamas, the Islamist terrorist organization that …

Gaza City, July 25 – In advance of prayer on the most well-attended day of the Muslim week, Friday, Imam Ali Al-Jabri of the Nebi Shufri Mosque in downtown Gaza City faces a dilemma: where to fit the worshipers, whose prayer space is now occupied by several dozen rockets of various types. Hamas and Islamic …

Rome, July 21 – Just two months after a landmark visit to the Holy Land by Pope Francis, Catholics around the world are encouraged by the visit’s lasting impact on efforts to bring peace to the region. Francis visited Israel and the Palestinian territories in May, a trip fraught with political tensions and diplomatic nuance. …

Heaven, July 16 – Supernal sources are reporting that several influential archangels are lobbying the Almighty for another set of riots in the Muslim world ostensibly sparked by Western cartoons offensive to Islam, since the first time around was so entertaining. In September 2010 a Danish newspaper published several cartoons that included images of the …

Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 9 – The leadership of Hamas and Islamic Jihad threatened to “open the gates of Hell” on Israel if the latter continued attacking their fighters launching rockets at Israel, but the chief resident of Hell is not amused, and complains that Hamas is perpetually opening those gates and neglecting to …

Thus saith the LORD: Thou art a moron. I mean, really. How difficult can it be for you to describe what you saw in that vision? It’s not like I was cryptic or anything. “Go forth unto the people and tell them they have strayed, and now face oppression.” It’s as basic a prophecy as …

Seventh Pit of Hell, June 30 – The Prince of Darkness has begun preparations for the eventual arrival in Hell of the two men responsible for the abduction and murder of three Israeli boys two weeks ago, and has set aside a special array of devices and situations to torment them once they die. Amer …

Jerusalem, June 25 – Palestinian religious scholars and military experts alike remain baffled at Israel’s continued failure to mount an actual effort to destroy the Al-Aqsa Mosque, despite years of warnings by Palestinian and Arab leaders that such attempts are imminent. This week marked the 74,554th warning by prominent Muslims that the Jewish State seeks …

Ramallah, June 18 – Arab thinkers and activists alike are pointing to Israeli society’s collective, low-venom reaction to the kidnapping of three teenagers by Hamas as further evidence that the Jews are foreigners in the region and have no legitimate sovereignty there. Israeli media have concentrated on reporting the groups prayers for the return of …

Mecca, Saudi Arabia, June 11 – Leading figures at the madrassas and other repositories of Islamic learning across the Middle East and North Africa have recently begun examining the hypothetical notion of assigning actual worth to individual human existence. Such an approach has been mentioned in passing by Islamic thinkers through the ages, but so …

West Hempstead, NY, June 4 – A synagogue attendee who stayed up all night on the first night of the Shavuot festival cannot keep himself awake at morning services, and believes that his compromised ability to perform a religiously mandatory set of rituals is trumped by the voluntary custom of learning through the night. Gershon …

Jerusalem, May 29 – Leaders of Israel’s Haredi community and of Palestinian protesters announced today that they will organize sessions at which activists from both groups can exchange their collective wisdom on rock-throwing and other methods of expression opposition to Israelis. The Badatz Eida Charedis, the most prominent organization of Israeli Haredim, and local groups …

Jerusalem, May 24 – The Almighty convened a press conference this afternoon to admit that He created celery in a fit of silliness, but found that the way humans treated it as food was so entertaining that only when the joke got old could He bring Himself to reveal it. Initially the family of celery …

Meron, Israel, May 19 – The morning after the annual bonfire festivities in honor of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, the revered second-century sage expressed revulsion at the practice of using the bonfire flames to roast, Lord help us, marshmallows. Hundreds of thousands of people gather annually on the night of the thirty-third day of the …

Mecca, Saudi Arabia, May 11 – In this birthplace of Islam, worshipers celebrate the Religion of Peace by coming together as one Umma, or nation, dedicated to submission to God, imposing that submission by the sword if necessary. Of the dozens of armed conflicts taking place around the world, groups self-identifying as adherents of the …

Los Angeles, May 4 – Two of show business’s most venerable personalities announced Saturday that they had adopted the Hebraic religion, sending ripples through the industry as gossip columnists and analysts began speculating how the move would affect the pair, their employer, and movie production as a whole. Waldorf and Statler, whose longtime role as …

Nairobi, Kenya, April 27 – Tired of being invoked by Muslim firebrands as the ancestors of Jews, activists from the simian and porcine communities held a protest, calling on the followers of Muhammad to desist from bringing them into the discussion. About ten thousand pigs and apes gathered in front of the Saudi Arabian embassy …

Brussels, April 20 – In a clear sign of Western civilization’s progress, European countries that made it a ritual to slaughter Jews are outlawing Jewish ritual slaughter. The continent with the bloodiest history when it comes to Jews has evolved into a paragon of concern for the defenseless, as country after country considers or adopts …

Cairo, Egypt – Egyptian Leader Al-Sisi took time today to extend an olive branch of sorts to Jews throughout the world, inviting them to return to his country to assume once again the social status they had there several millennia ago. “We look forward to welcoming back the descendants of the ancient Hebrews to …

Even a single byte is forbidden. Jerusalem, April 9 – Israel’s ranking religious officials issued a reminder to Jews today to make sure they remove all the cookies from their computers by Monday morning, before the Passover prohibition against possessing leavened grain products goes into effect. The Biblical practice of not owning, let alone eating, …

Jerusalem, April 2 – Religious and political leaders are charging discrimination after a prominent authority on Jewish law ruled that Jews must prepare their Passover bread with the blood of only certain groups of non-Jews. Rabbi Pesach Blutbrodt, head of the ultra-orthodox Todtsheygetzer sect of Hasidim, told his followers last week that in their annual …

Gaza Strip, March 30 – A rise in the number and frequency of “honor killings” in this coastal territory has political and religious leaders wondering how many more young women must be killed by their families before the desired level of honor is attained. Over the last three years the number of such killings has …

Sheol, March 24 – The management of the Underworld announced this morning that a continued influx of suicide bombers from various countries in the Middle East has made it necessary to set aside a separate extension of the domain just for them. Beelzebub and Lucifer held a press conference on the banks of the River …

Geneva – The United nations Security Council issued a condemnation of the Jewish people today, following Mordechai’s refusal to prostrate himself before Haman, another of the King Ahashverosh’s ministers. The resolution called the refusal “a deplorable act of intolerance,” and called on the Jews to withdraw at once from living in the Persian empire. Resolution …

Susa, Persian Empire – Prime Minister Haman Ben Hamedata has been charged with a fine of 50 silver pieces for erecting an unauthorized structure on his property, sources inside the palace reported today. Eyewitnesses told PreOccupied Territory that upon returning from a meeting with King Ahashverosh and Queen Esther this afternoon, the minister held a …

Eden, March 14 – The Lord Almighty has released plans announcing His intention to reduce the number of different holidays associated with intensive drinking, a move that will result this year in the Jewish festival of Purim and the Irish-Catholic holiday of St. Patrick’s Day occurring on overlapping days. St. Patrick’s Day, March 17, celebrates …

Shittim, Transjordan – Disaffection has set in among a group of Israelites in anticipation of entering the Land of Milk and Honey, as the group suffers from metabolic conditions that make their consumption of milk or honey either unpleasant or dangerous. Moses is preparing to send the people of Israel into the Promised Land under …

Tehran, Islamic Republic of Iran, March 1 – After two terms leading his country in a staunchly anti-Israel, and, many would say, anti-Semitic direction, former President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad discovered his own Jewish roots yesterday. Unpacking from the move away from the Presidential Palace in the capital city, Ahmadinejad came across old photos of …

“I can’t wait to tell my buddies in shul about this one,” said the team leader.

Bnei Brak, Israel, February 21 – Prominent Orthodox and Haredi (“ultra-orthodox”) Rabbis reacted today to what they called a worrisome trend among bakers, and issued an unequivocal ruling against the use of raisins as an ingredient in cookies. They called the phenomenon a violation so serious that it endangers the very fabric of human society, …

Copenhagen, February 17 – As the Danish ban on Jewish ritual slaughter of animals went into effect, Denmark’s Ambassador to Israel dismissed the notion that such a law reflected any antisemitic sentiment, since the rescue of Denmark’s Jews from the Nazis in 1943 means that nothing the Danish government does in 2014 could ever be …

He claims the ticket should therefore be invalidated and any penalties and fines canceled. Cambridge, MA, February 16 – Gordon L. Meriwether, a professor of Semitic languages at Harvard Divinity School, is contesting the origin of a speeding ticket issued to him last Wednesday, claiming that inconsistencies in the document’s format and content make it …

Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – Jesus of Nazareth, proclaimed the King Messiah by his followers and a spiritual guide to nearly two billion people, after returning as promised, expressed dismay this week at the nearly absolute non-Jewishness of those who venerate him. “You…you’re all goyim,” he said, using the Hebrew word for “the nations,” referring to …

Mecca, Saudi Arabia, January 31 – The joke remains relevant, but poignantly less so now: you might find Coca-Cola in the holy city of Mecca, but you will no longer find a Chabad shaliach. After three years of keeping the local Chabad house operational, Mordechai and Esther Saperstein are closing up. Despite tireless efforts to …

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, January 29 – The Saudi government announced today it will outlaw women, calling them a threat to the moral fabric of society. As of February 1, anyone in possession of a woman will face fines or imprisonment, with more severe terms for possession of multiple women. Producers of women will face the …

Jerusalem, January 20 – The eighth-century-BCE Israelite prophet Isaiah has revised his vision for the End of Days in keeping with societal trends and projected developments, downgrading his lofty expectations several notches. In his epic, poetic description of a time without predatory behavior, the seer spoke of wolves peacefully sharing space with their erstwhile ovine …

The Rabbinate’s system, says Ministry spokeswoman Amira L’akum, charged its supervisors with inspecting too many establishments, impairing their ability to adequately supervise any single one. Authorities conducted a raid this morning of the Israeli Rabbinate’s department for supervising and certifying establishments claiming to provide kosher food, and found no indication that the agency had any …

Megiddo, Israel, December 21 (AP) – Following the latest in a long series of abortive global cataclysms, Minister of Apocalypses Mark O’thebiest announced his resignation today, acknowledging ministerial responsibility for the string of non-events. O’thebiest had presided over decades of ministerial activity to oversee cataclysms and the hype surrounding their arrival, including famous false alarms such …

Jerusalem (AP) – Pope Francis announced yesterday that he would be visiting the Holy Land in May of this year, setting off a scramble among Israelis and Palestinians to score propaganda points in their ongoing conflict and to leverage the publicity of the visit to imply papal endorsement of their respective positions. Francis announced his …

Rome, Italy (AP) – The impending resignation of Pope Benedict XVI in the coming weeks has presented the Roman Catholic Church with an opportunity to reconsider some of its fundamental positions, and the cardinals are already discussing doctrinal shifts that include a gradual elimination of Jesus Christ from the church’s teachings. The figure of Jesus …