Religion

Waqf officials said they expected it to be competed by the spring of 2018, in time for the baseball season. Jerusalem, August 10 – The Islamic religious authority that administers the affairs of a contested sacred compound unveiled plans today for the construction of a baseball stadium on the plateau’s northern end to augment the holiness of …

The session ended with the assembled scholars remaining deadlocked. Jerusalem, August 8 – Consensus continues to elude authorities on Jewish law as to the proper classification of the avocado, and whether the produce should be considered a fruit, requiring certain benedictions before and after eating, or a turd, requiring no such blessings. A Rabbinic Council …

Observers note that while the Washington team apparently prayed with greater fervency, the Rutherford Team outdid them in imagining the positive consequences for their loved ones. Little Rock, AR – Two high school football teams playing against each other have each prayed to the Lord to grant them victory in the game scheduled to start in …

“Our ancestors used the fax, possibly as far back as the time of the Judges.” Hills of Samaria, July 31 – When the New Moon is proclaimed by the Court of Seventy Elders in Jerusalem later this week, agents of the court will ascend mountaintops along the ridge spanning the country from north to south to …

Khamenei declined to offer a reason for his eleventh-hour cancellation. Philadelphia, July 26 – Viewers, attendees, and participants in the first evening of the Democratic National Convention experienced some moments of disorder and unpredictability, but organizers confessed that the smooth functioning of the event was an even closer call than most people realized: Supreme Leader …

Several large Christian congregations sent delegations to the fair to reinforce the myths their communities have always assumed to be true. New York, NY – The Jacob Javits Convention Center was filled to capacity on Sunday as thousands of non-Jews came to attend a four-day conference to deepen their misunderstanding of one of the world’s …

“We can probably rely on him just this once without inquiring whether everything is Badatz.” Oaks of Mamre – The trio of divine messengers tasked with engaging Abraham’s hospitality and informing him he will father a son with his wife Sarah voiced reluctance to partake of the food they expect him to serve, sources close …

“I suppose you can say it Styx in my craw.” The Underworld, July 17 – The Grim Reaper voiced dismay this morning at rhetoric of the militant Islamist group Hamas to the effect that Israel must fear them because they worship death, saying that such talk makes him feel discomfited, to put it mildly. The …

On three separate occasions AutoCorrect successfully thwarted the use of incorrect or harmful words. Plains of Moab, July 13 – Sources within the software development section of the Heavenly realm revealed today that they have been field-testing an app that runs in the background and automatically fixes a person’s speech to reflect what the software’s algorithm …

“Do you think the ninth of Av and the Day of Atonement, which are 25-hour fasts, can count more somehow?” Greenwich, CT, July 6 – A Jewish spiritual authority has weighed in on the physiological effects of the various fast days scattered throughout the Hebrew calendar, and has ruled that observance of any of those …

“The instructions and safety warnings were altered by the Zionists to trick us into thinking these aren’t weapons.” Jerusalem, July 4 – Palestinians attending the prayers at Al Aqsa Mosque today voiced bewilderment at traditional US Independence Day festivities featuring fireworks, noting that none of the American fireworks displays they had seen involved pointing the pyrotechnic devices …

“Anyone ever heard of standing up to evil?” Jerusalem, June 29 – The Hebrew prophet Isaiah voiced exasperation today following the Israel Police’s decision to bar all non-Muslims from the Temple Mount for the remainder of the month of Ramadan in an effort to prevent further unrest, saying that excluding the members of any faith …

A verse in Deuteronomy that bars a man with severed or crushed genitals from marrying serves as the starting point for a string of letters. Jerusalem, June 26 – Scholars exploring the Biblical text for clues to current events have discovered an important message embedded in a passage about crushed testicles, to the effect that …

“Have you ever looked at the list of spices, man?” she asked a reporter. “I mean, really looked?” Wilderness of Sinai, June 21 – A cultivator and purveyor of marijuana leaves aims to have her wares included in the special blend of fragrances to be burned as an offering twice daily in the Tabernacle, Israelite sources report. …

Only with that understanding, say the investigators, can one adequately account for their utter failure to request what is manifestly the finest non-miraculous food in existence. Kivrot HaTaava, June 16 – Analysts reviewing the recent behavior of the Israelites in the wilderness have concluded that he only reason the nation would have asked specifically for …

The pair entered the town by themselves, causing a stir. Bethlehem, Judah, June 7 – The widow of the late tribal leader Elimelech came back to her hometown today after ten years in the land of Moab, marking the final time for about three millennia that a Jew will enter the city without need of …

“There is a violation of modesty, often in public, that occurs when one displays such an image.” Cairo, June 5 – A new religious ruling by one of the Muslim world’s leading clerics makes it a violation of Islamic principles to show the shape of Israel, especially in a map of the region, because the …

“I don’t so much give my congregation moral guidance as I do moral-style guidance.” Snellville, Georgia – In this suburb of Atlanta, Temple Beth David’s Reform Jewish congregation offers a full range of religious-style services, bringing Jewish-style worship to Gwinnett County. Founded in 1981, Beth David adheres to most of the familiar tenet-style teachings of Reform …

“For the eternal life of me, I can’t fathom where the confusion lies, and what else they might have expected.” Paradise, May 31 – Supernal sources are reporting that recent arrivals in the Islamic Martyrs Pavilion in Heaven are expressing bewilderment and disappointment at the delights that they were given as promised for battling the …

“Back in the day, nobody ever used ‘day’ to mean anything other than a twenty-four hour period.” Minneapolis, May 26 – Local computer technician David Borders knows your belief system is untenable because your holy scriptures can only be understood literally, area sources reported today. Borders, 31, has concluded that the only acceptable approach to Biblical …

“It was an understandable mix-up,” said a spokesangel for the supernal realms. Lehi, Dan tribal territory, May 22 – A fearsome Israelite warrior facing a large number of Philistine fighters was unable to tell the difference between a donkey and a journalist with the British Broadcasting Corporation, and as a result almost severed part of …

Hipsters say they were doing it before it became so mainstream. Tel Aviv, May 17 – Avant-garde and trendy populations are voicing disapproval of the Jewish practice among men not to shave or take haircuts for most of the seven-week period that begins with Passover, saying that the custom is an inauthentic appropriation of their …

“Clearly the selection of winners is far from random, which raises all sorts of red flags for a society that claims to be democratic and pluralistic,” said MK Zehava Gal-On. Jerusalem, May 12 – The annual ritual involving the final round of the International Bible Contest took place once again on Israel’s Independence Day, with …

“Verily, am I made of money?” intoned the LORD. Supernal Realms, May 8 – Scientists with an ear to the heavens are reporting that, contrary to various studies showing that climate change is occurring as a result of human industrial by-products, in fact the rise in average temperatures on Earth stems from God’s insistence that His children …

“You won’t find it in the Talmud or medieval Jewish sources either.” London, May 2 – Controversial historian Brane Liss pressed his case that the Holocaust was faked, citing the telling lack of any such event in the canonical Jewish texts of the Bible. Liss, 44, combed through the Old Testament looking for any mention of …

“Make every effort not to void bowels until Friday night, once the holiday has formally concluded.” Jerusalem, April 25 – The Chief Rabbinate of Israel will announce next year in advance of the Passover festival that one should abstain from consuming leavened grain products not only during the festival, following standard Jewish practice, but for up …

Israelite leaders Moses and Aaron have yet to comment on the vampires. Memphis, ancient Egypt, April 19 – Observers of the Plague of Blood wrought against the Egyptian Empire are reporting that among the population affected by the calamity, vampires are apparently weathering it quite well. Witnesses attested that the plague, which has lasted three days …

“I would say the smugness rises to the point that it is only surpassed by that of vegans,” said Dr. Mayim Shelanu. Atlanta, April 12 – Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control are predicting that immediately before and during the week-long Passover festival that begins Friday night April 22, people who habitually abstain from the …

The broken piece of unleavened bread is set aside and hidden away to mimic the lifestyle of the pauper, who suffers food insecurity and always saves some for later. Burbank, CA, April 6 – The nine-year-old son of a Catholic mother and Jewish father, hoping for a new toy in case he finds the Afikoman at this year’s Passover Seder, …

“The vast majority of the people must not have realized the clock changed last night.” Marah, The Wilderness, April 1 – Hundreds of thousands of Hebrews woke up late this morning after the switch to daylight saving time and as a result missed the window for daily collection of manna, Hebrew sources are reporting. The switch …

“It’ll be an amazing wall, just the greatest wall you’ve ever seen. Huge,” he added. New York, March 28 – Real estate magnate and Republican Party presidential hopeful Donald Trump promised family and friends today that only certain people would be allowed to attend the circumcision celebration of his newborn Jewish grandson, and that the …

The beginning of the confusion lies in ancient manuscripts called the Dead Pee Scrolls. Rome, March 21 – Upending one of the longest-held assumptions in ecclesiastical scholarship, the Roman Catholic Church announced this morning that it had officially refuted the notion that St. John, who is said to have baptized the baby Jesus, was named …

“This has become especially pronounced in recent years with a surge in violence by sports fans against those who oppose them.” Jerusalem, March 15 – Minister of the Interior Aryeh Deri has created a new category of religious belief to appear on Israelis’ identity cards, one that recognizes that the devotion to, identification with, and …

Jewish leaders have yet to respond to the overture. Tehran, March 9 – In the spirit of what it called religious tolerance for the minorities within its borders, the Islamic Republic of Iran announced today that it would supply the Persian Jewish community at no cost with all the blood it needs to prepare unleavened …

The man insisted that the tip jar was “disgusting,” “rude,” and “an affront.”

“Why should I pay the same percentage as those no-good Levites who do nothing productive all day?” Wilderness of Zin, March 2 – Wealthy Hebrews recently given a set of laws governing their emerging society raised objections today to the commandment that crops, livestock, and other goods be allocated for the poor and priestly classes, …

“Mr. Trump has demonstrated that our elaborate headgear, indicating religious authority, is no match for that… thing on his head.” Rome, February 27 – Officials in the Roman Catholic Church admitted today that Republican Party frontrunner for the presidential nomination evidently shows greater religious conviction and devotion than Pope Francis, Vatican sources are reporting. Holy …

Galilei must withdraw his conclusions and submit to the authority of the infallible Palestinian pope. Ramallah, February 22 – Ecclesiastical officials in the Church of Palestine have placed a ban of excommunication on Italian astronomer Galileo Galilei for strong evidence of his expressing heresy in the form of claiming the world does not revolve around …

He had refrained from mentioning it to any of the other children, lest discussion of the earth-shattering prospect of naughtiness in Sunday school bring the teacher to her senses and cause her to change her mind. Peoria, IL, February 18 – A ten-year-old attending Sunday school confessed he felt let down by the discovery that …

Narcissus uniformly waxes poetic about the frustration and futility of his desire for the man in the image. Thespiae, Boeotia, February 14 – Legendary figure of Greek mythology Narcissus started his own account on one of the world’s leading photo-sharing applications, observers report. Instagram users began noticing the hashtag #Narcissus popping up with greater frequency …

He pronounced that word as if the H were a Y, as is his custom. New York, February 9 – GOP presidential hopeful and real estate mogul Donald Trump voiced excitement today at the upcoming birth of his next grandchild, promising that if his Jewish daughter has a boy, the circumcision will be “huge.” Ivanka, 34, …

The search engine consistently gives better answers than most Rabbis. Jerusalem, February 4 – The Chief Rabbinate of Israel will soon take up the question of whether to confer Rabbinic ordination upon the search engine Google, since it provides information on Jewish law at least as accurately and reliably as any human who has earned that …

“If I have to listen to that brat crow one more time about ambushing me with a Polaroid and depicting my likeness, I’m going to snap.” Heaven, January 31 – The founder of Islam has submitted a grievance to the Almighty alleging that Jesus has been harassing him in the supernal realms by transforming his …

Iran is the world’s largest state sponsor of terrorism. Vatican City, January 27 – Officials in the Roman Catholic Church expressed shock and disgust today upon discovering that despite extensive preparations to make the artwork at the complex physically modest and welcoming to Iran’s president by covering many of the nude statues and paintings, the …

“Next you’ll tell me God wants us to arrange the Song at the Sea as an 80’s glam-rock ballad.” Marah, Sinai Peninsula, January 20 – Aficionados of high-percentage cocoa-solid chocolates expressed disappointment this week after Moses sweetened the lakes here for the benefit of the Israelites, Hebrew representatives reported this afternoon. A group of Hebrews consisting …

Ten destructive plagues led to earlier, separate calls for an inquiry into those events as crimes against humanity. Stockholm, January 18 – Swedish Minister of Foreign Affairs Margot Wallstrom called for an investigation into the Lord and Moses today, saying that the circumstances under which the Egyptian cavalry pursuing the Israelites into the Red Sea …

“Despite nearly three years of research, we have nothing to show for our efforts.” Stockholm, January 13 – Experts in religion are still looking for an act that with confidence can be said to be characteristic of, or attributable to, Islam, academic sources said today. Theologians and researchers at the Royal Academy of Sweden issued …

An as-yet-unidentified chemical or environmental factor evidently makes the same phenomenon in Arab or Muslim societies far less objectionable. Hebron, January 9 – Research by a team of scientists testing the status of capital punishment has determined unequivocally that under most circumstances, the application of the death penalty constitutes an indicator of irredeemable barbarism, unless …

“If I were rich, this wouldn’t be such a groiser problem.” Anatevka, Ukraine, January 4 – Fabled dairy farmer Tevye Milchiger suffered a potential loss of local market share this week when the leading kashrus agency in the region revoked his products’ kosher status, the father of seven told reporters today. The fifty-year-old dairyman told journalists …

“When my master and his cronies brutalize and violate me in unimaginable ways, I know they’re following a proper set of rules.” Raqqa, December 31 – Thousands of women and girls captured and made into sexual slaves by Islamic State fighters breathed a collective sigh of relief this week after self-proclaimed Caliph Abu-Bakr Al-Baghdadi issued …

“Banning weddings would constitute an unwarranted impingement on free expression,” declared a spokeswoman for the Association for Civil Rights in Israel. Jerusalem, December 27 – The week after video surfaced of extremist Jewish youth at a wedding, celebrating the murder of a Palestinian child, officials in Israel’s Chief Rabbinate are considering steps to curtail such …

“Everyone remembers when Turkey almost shot down Prancer and Dancer two years ago,” said aviation consultant Gary Powers. Latakia, Syria, December 22 – A spokesman for Santa Claus informed children in the Eastern Mediterranean region that he will be forced to avoid the area this year because of the Russian surface-to-air missile batteries that have …

Early, peaceful military conquest of a large expanse in a short time cemented Islam’s claim as the religion of peace. Sanaa, Yemen, December 17 – Opposing factions in a regional war continued to engage today in attempts to attain supremacy in a 1,300–year-old conflict regarding which side authentically represents the Religion of Peace. Shiite and Sunni …

Jews practice the ritual burning of olive oil in increasing quantities each night over the course of the eight-day festival each year. Hebron, December 13 – A new report by the Balestinian Academy for Linking Despised Enemies to Reprehensible Deviance And Spiteful Heinousness (BALDERDASH) claims conclusive proof that Jews are always behind the destruction of Palestinian …

“Scholars debate the historicity of the Jewish miracle, but ours is here for everyone to see.” Ramallah, December 6 – Curious and inspired pilgrims are streaming to the Palestinian administrative capital to set eyes on a development appropriate for the Hanukkah season: President Mahmoud Abbas, whose four-year term should have expired in 2009, is still in …

Western elites serve as the ultimate arbiters of what is and is not Islam. Raqqa, December 1 – Leaders of the Islamic State expressed anxiousness as liberal elites in the West failed to reach a consensus over whether the group’s Islamic credentials are legitimate. Self-proclaimed Caliph of ISIS Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi and several of his top …

“Makes me wonder what they’d say if this were a rape case. Was our father dressed provocatively?” Geneva, November 26 – The United Nations Human Rights Council ordered an investigation into the behavior of the patriarch Jacob this afternoon, saying that evidence raises serious questions over his use of what appears to be unnecessary force …

The current inversion of justice surrounding the world’s encounter with Islamic terrorism represents a qualitative deterioration in humanity’s moral capacity. Jerusalem, November 22 – The Almighty is revisiting His commitment not to destroy civilization once again as humanity continues its downward moral spiral, sources close to the Creator reported today. Several ministering angels shared details …

In addition to the physical mechitza, El Al will ensure that only male flight attendants serve the men’s section. Tel Aviv, November 18 – Israel’s national airline announced today that in deference to growing demand from Haredi passengers, certain international flights would soon feature separation of travelers by sex, with a ceiling-high divider running the …

Allah Himself will also make an appearance or two, on which occasions the defendant will comprehend as never before the damage he has done to Creation. Heaven, November 13 – The man known infamously to Westerners as Jihadi John has been sentenced in the heavenly tribunal to an eternity of ever-deepening pain and shame at …