Showing 181–240 of 599 articles · Page 4 of 10
Gabbai Trying To Convince Sixth Man He Actually Tenth “It’ll only take five minutes,” Rosenberg added, bringing the number of falsehoods up to two. Jerusalem, October 11 – A synagogue functionary has mustered all of his powers of persuasion to convey to a passerby the foregone conclusion that a quorum will assemble any moment now for purposes of conducting the daily afternoon service, to …
Disaster Strikes At IfNotNow Simchat Torah Chametz Burning INN selected the time and day to maximize the metaphorical impact of that’s when they could get everyone to commit to coming. New York, September 30 – A progressive organization seeking to harness its Jewish bona fides by tying its political activities to elements of Jewish tradition ended up injuring three and causing property damage …
Man Pleads To Be Airlifted Out From High Holiday Seat Between Sniffer, Throat-Clearer Bothersome habits of the attendees around him prevented him from concentrating on anything important. Brookline, September 9 – A worshiper at Temple Shalom in this affluent Boston suburb spent most of the Rosh HaShanah service sending desperate, surreptitious text messages to anyone he thought might help extricate him from the reserved place he had arranged for the …
Man Threatens To Cancel Subscription To Shul Newsletter “I’ll give them till next week’s issue, because I know it’s short notice for this week, but then boom – I’m canceling.” Woodmere, August 26 – A synagogue member who feels that his house of worship’s weekly publication has taken an editorial and ideological step in the wrong direction warned today that if the changes …
Progressives Set Up Office Of Inquisition For Acceptors Of Jewish Equality “Only with a uniform set of tenets can we, who represent the forces of tolerance and diversity, hope to restructure the systemic injustice to enfranchise everyone who agrees with us.” Park Slope, August 17 – Orthodox elements within the progressive movement took measures today to combat the doctrinal threat of a small but prominent group …
Mahdi Spotted At Tel Aviv Ice Cream Parlor “I know I could get tired of hiding away from human eyes for so long. A milkshake would be just the thing.” Tel Aviv, August 5 – Customers and passers-by saw the main eschatological figure of Islam enjoying himself at a local frozen treats shop in this hip Mediterranean city, witnesses reported Thursday. The Mahdi, known in …
Man Argues For Pepperoni Pizza Exception To Meat-Dairy Ban “Ask for your manna to taste like it tomorrow and you’ll understand.” Wilderness of Sinai, July 28 – An Israelite studying the new set of laws that Moses transmitted to the people from the Almighty took issue today with the teaching that the commandment not to cook a young goat in its mother’s milk refers …
Islamic Leaders Worried They May Have Missed A Jewish Shrine To Appropriate A development that threatens the absolute nature of Islam’s inevitable dominance in Islamist theology. Jerusalem, July 19 – Muslim community officials expressed anxiety today that some Jewish holy sites might have escaped the fate that befell almost all other places of Jewish significance, namely their transformation into Islamic sites to demonstrate the supersession of the …
Report: Ancient Prophets, Sages Wise Except Where You Disagree In this month’s issue of the journal Pathways in Observed Social Trends in Human Organization and Cooperation (POSTHOC), a sociology periodical. Jerusalem, July 8 – Researchers have determined that the lore and insight of those who lived long ago, and thus had a more earthy, authentic sense of humanity and nature, illuminates our experience in ways we …
Man Figures If He Kills Enough Jews Allah Will Change Mind About Land Belonging To Israel “The whole Allah-giving-Israel-to-Israel has made it much, much harder to kill Jews, which is one important argument in favor of undoing the giving of Israel to Israel.” Jerusalem, June 29 – A local activist believes that despite statements in Islamic sacred texts that assign the Holy Land to the followers of Moses, he can alter …
Rabbi: Boys Nursing From Women ‘Immodest’ – Men Must Nurse Them “B’siyatoh dishmayoh, our holy sons will remain pure of mind, never having seen or felt anything inappropriate while eating as a baby.” Jerusalem, June 20 – The leader of a religious community in this holy city has identified a glaring breach of modesty and dignity in everyday child-rearing behavior, in the form of male babies coming …
UN/NGOs Fund Synagogue Building; Assumed It Was Mosque Bombed By Israel International aid organizations cut checks totaling more than $30M. Jerusalem, June 9 – A congregation that had struggled to meet its fundraising target toward a new facility now finds itself with an excess of money after repackaging its appeal as a plea to “help a house of worship with construction after Israel’s devastating bombardment in …
Rabbi Notes Importance Of Judging Others Favorably Who Donate To Rabbi “Our first obligation, even in the era of the Me Too movement, is not to prejudge.” Lawrence, May 20 – A spiritual leader used his sermon this week to stress the Jewish value of always giving someone the benefit of the doubt in the face of awkward or compromising reports, specifically if that someone has …
Synagogue In Bomb Shelter Appreciates Boosted Wartime Attendance “We usually struggle to get a minyan by eight-thirty; this week we had one at the outset.” Ashkelon, May 20 – Congregation Kol Sasson has struggled for years to maintain regular services, owing to demographic changes in this Mediterranean coastal city, but the community’s spiritual leader confided today he harbors a hope that current hostilities …
Islamic Scholars Agree Killing Jews More Important Than Dignity, Sanctity Of Al-Aqsa Expiating the shame of losing to Jews in 1948 takes greater precedence than treating holy things with reverence. Jerusalem, May 10 – Authorities on the Muslim faith around the world agreed today (Monday) that the religion assigns greater importance to asserting dominance, violently if possible, over inferior peoples such as Jews, than to upholding the …
Jihadi In Hell Would Prefer Literal Fire To Eternal Burning Shame He Actually Earned “I embraced the honor/shame dynamic. But by committing unspeakable atrocities in service thereof, I only compounded my shame.” Gehinnom, April 29 – A martyred holy warrior for Islam admitted today he had expected his punishment in the afterlife to feature physical flames consuming his tormented flesh for all time, and that he had steeled himself to …
Mortified Bar Mitzva Boy Knows Mom Will Have Healthy Snacks Thrown At Him Noooooo, my mom has to be the weirdo. Jerusalem, April 20 – A local seventh-grader has concluded that once again, he must brace himself for the awkward, humiliating experience of his mother’s dietary sensibilities juxtaposed with the mainstream junk food that other parents have no problem providing their children, this time when he and his …
Group Holding Soccer Games, Parkour On Temple Mount Worried About Jews Desecrating Place By Praying There Presumptuous of Jews to think they can be not under Islamic domination. Jerusalem, April 8 – The Islamic council that administers the plateau they call the Haram al-Sharif, or Noble Sanctuary, and which endorses the use of the holy site for sports competitions, day camps, and other non-holy pursuits, aims to preserve the sanctity of …
Woman Discovers Amulets Containing Heretical Text Just As Effective As Ones Containing Psalms “My first thought is I did something wrong in placing the charms, so that they are actually having no effect.” Jerusalem, March 25 – A customer at a cut-price chain retailer voiced her consternation today upon discovering not only that the miniature books of Psalms she had purchased as spiritual devices to ward off misfortune …
Matza Prices Higher This Year Amid COVID Tests For Gentile Blood “We can’t just use the blood of goyim indiscriminately as we used to, not in the current epidemiological environment.” Jerusalem, March 17 – Consumers beginning their acquisitions for the upcoming Passover festival have noticed an uptick in expenses stemming from an additional step necessary to produce the unleavened bread associated with the observance, namely the …
Woman Who Boasts House Already Clean For Pesach Thinks People Admire Her, Not Want To Strangle Her Reactions included numerous “Likes” in which the irony failed to resonate. Teaneck, March 8 – Little more than a week after Purim, a local homeowner has managed to clear, vacuum, and scour her residence to rid it of foodstuffs forbidden to have in one’s possession during Passover several weeks hence, and she believes that sharing …
Ahashverosh Enlists J-Street To Oppose Temple Reconstruction Ben-Ami’s organization rose to combat the common misperception that the Jews give monolithic support to their own redemption and restoration. Shushan, Achaemenid Empire, February 17 – The emperor issued a proclamation today boasting that his administration has earned the support of a progressive Jewish group that bills itself as “pro-Israel, pro-peace,” in ceasing rebuilding of …
RickRoll Thwarted By Bible Compilers “Works with suspect content of this or any other sort will not be included in the canon.” Jerusalem, February 18 – Redactors of a collection of sacred texts almost let through a prank that would have plagued millennia of readers with the sudden playing of a hackneyed music video, a spokesman for the group disclosed …
God Unsure How To Make It More Explicit He In Favor Of Zionism “The Zeroth Commandment is ‘Don’t be a goddamn imbecile.’” Divine Throne Room, February 8 – The Creator and Sustainer of all reality expressed frustration today upon discovering additional evidence that despite numerous clear passages in His revealed Word extoling Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland as a paramount value, and despite the blatantly miraculous …
God Fails To Get J Street’s Approval Before Promising Land To Jacob “Making such a dangerous promise is a one-sided measure that establishes facts on the ground prejudicing the outcome of Israeli-Palestinian negotiations.” Beth El, January 28 – A group of left-wing American lobbyists voiced dismay today following a divine commitment to an Israelite patriarch to grant the Holy Land to his descendants, objecting that the Almighty …
Enemy Of Israelites Whose Words Are Recorded For Eternity In Bible Claims He’s Being Silenced Bil’am laid the groundwork for his “silencing” claim with a warning that he will only speak that which YHWH endorses. Shittim, Transjordan, January 20 – A prophet and sorcerer whose repeated attempts to curse the Lord’s chosen people came to naught now accuses the Almighty and the scribes who transcribe His Word of suppressing his …
God Admits To Running “The Mossad” Twitter Account The Creator of humanity knows a thing or two about human foibles and how hilariously, tragically funny they can be. Kind of like the ‘mishap’ scheduled to hit one of Iran’s sensitive military facilities next week. Tel Aviv, January 11 – Heavenly sources disclosed today that the Almighty Himself has served as the main figure …
Jews Only Group Guilty Of Cultural Appropriation From Position Of Submission The phenomenon and its curious exception require significant further study. Tel Aviv, December 31 – Anthropologists examining the controversial phenomenon in which a more powerful society adopts and adapts elements of a subject people’s heritage have observed that the insistence on the direction of the dynamic pertains to every situation except for one involving Jews, …
Frummer-Than-Thou Man Ends Twelve-Day Hanukkah Observance “Even going all the way to eleven has become cliché, thanks to pop culture. So I have to go beyond that.” Jerusalem, December 22 – A self-described “spiritual overachiever” in this city of almost 900,000 marked the final evening yesterday of his twelve-day celebration of the eight-day Festival of Lights, having lit a total of …
Hanukkah Light Sends Paul Revere On False-Alarm Ride “Oops,” he muttered. “Awkward.” Boston, December 10 – A Massachusetts silversmith admitted chagrin today following an incident last night in which he misinterpreted a Jewish festival ritual as a signal that he must warn fellow patriots of the route, destination, and purpose of an incoming British body of troops. Paul Revere, 41, of this seaside …
A separate tender features numerous garment and fashion industry entities vying to provide the garments themselves. Oakland, December 1 – Some of the world’s largest bleach and garment-cleanser detergent manufacturers submitted proposals this week to the Temple Institute, a small, Jerusalem-based non-profit that seeks to take practical steps toward restoration of ancient Jewish sacrificial rituals, proposals …
Upwards of 95% of these occurrences can be thus explained. Cambridge, November 19 – An innovative approach to analysis of ancient documents has led at least one researcher to the hypothesis that numerous deviations in Scripture from the expected forms of words stem not from copyist errors, as commonly assumed, but from software similar in function …
Eating Non-Kosher Animals Forbidden So They Can Spy On Goyim “We need an operation to discourage non-Jews from studying the book of Leviticus and certain passages of Deuteronomy, but we can accomplish that by adding all sorts of boring sacrificial ritual to the former, and make the latter look like it’s just repeating what Moses said earlier.” Wilderness of Sinai, November 11 – Mossad officials …
Daylight Saving Time Screws Up Accuracy Of Moses’s Firstborn-Death Prediction Heavenly sources emphasized that Moses himself bears no responsibility for the mishap. Thebes, April 2 – Heavenly sources confessed embarrassment this morning following a perceived one-hour delay in the mass-killing of Egypt’s firstborn sons, which in fact took place at the time the Hebrew leader and prophet had foretold, but that Egyptians assumed occurred late because …
Man Torn Between Wanting Return To Normal And Having Excuse Not To Go To Shul “I’m not looking forward to when things open up and my wife starts asking why I’m not going.” Jerusalem, October 22 – COVID lockdown measures over the last several months have created a dilemma for one local resident, who itches for restoration of some semblance of normal life but realizes that will bring expectations that …
Study Finds Uncanny Correlation Between God’s Will And Your Political Preferences Even when you change your mind, God agrees with you before and after. Washington, October 15 – Researchers have identified a striking feature of your ideology and political sensibilities, a new study shows, in that those sensibilities align to a remarkable degree with the divine plan for humanity, a feature that no one else’s politics …
New ‘Gen Z’ Siddur Includes Translation Into Emoji “Today’s young Jews are more fluent in smileys, memes, and gifs than in the stodgy verbiage of the Birnbaum, Artscroll, Koren, or even Sim Shalom.” New York, October 1 – Educational and communal institutions continue to struggle to reach and attract young people, but one such organization has hit on a novel way to engage …
Campaign Hopes To Reach Ushpizin In Time To Get Them To Wear Masks Concern that, despite their advanced age, the seven Ushpizin might be carrying the pathogen. Jerusalem, September 17 – A group of Jews concerned for the welfare of the elderly guests who visit each temporary residence during the upcoming Sukkot holiday launched a drive today to raise awareness of the need to don a protective face …
Rabbinate Kashrut Supervisors Glad COVID Hasn’t Hampered Grueling Schedule Of Not Inspecting Restaurants “I haven’t relaxed my standards: I still check that the money has been deposited in my bank before I sign the new certificate.” Jerusalem, September 9 – Members of the capital city’s official religious establishment voiced relief today, following months of economic instability, that they have found their task of failing to visit the culinary establishments …
“Awkward, especially when we’re trying to ingratiate ourselves to other progressive activist groups.” New York, August 31 – Preparations for the upcoming High Holidays in numerous progressive synagogues and temples have prompted more anxiety in 2020 than in years past, owing both to the social distancing restrictions that might hamper attendance, and to the discovery …
Evangelicals Only Want To Use Jews, Warn Activists Who Only Want To Use Jews Support for Israel as a shared value between the two faith groups is an unacceptable form of “tokenism.” New York, August 19 – Members of an anti-Israel group who cite certain members of the Hebrew persuasion to lend their agenda legitimacy cautioned other Americans of that persuasion that Christian movements seek to co-opt them to lend legitimacy …
High Holiday Lockdown Threatens Man’s Plan To Note Everyone Singing Liturgy Wrong Absence of communal prayers will deprive him of the self-righteousness he gets from observing that everyone sings everything wrong. Teaneck, August 10 – A resident of this northern New Jersey township voiced concern today that his synagogue’s announced intention not to hold services during the Jewish New Year and Day of Atonement because of continuing …
Man Believes Day Of 9-Av Fasting Offsets Gluttony Of Other 364 “I’m not twenty years old anymore.” Beit Shemesh, July 30 – A resident of this town southwest of Jerusalem plans to take full dietary advantage of the traditional Jewish practice of not eating for a full twenty-four hours from Wednesday to Thursday evening, local sources report, under the ambitious assumption that abstaining from caloric intake …
Jews Worthy Of Third Temple For Centuries Already, But Bureaucracy, Contractor Delaying Work The Remnant of Israel reached its allotted threshold of suffering and longing during the Spanish and Portuguese expulsions of Jewry in the late fifteenth century Jerusalem, July 21 – Heavenly sources disclosed today that the messianic visions of the Hebrew prophets stand ready for fulfillment, and have for some time, with the only snag to the …
Church Wonders How Many Liberal Jews Would Convert If Christ Recast As ‘Anti-Zionism’ Cardinal Pedro Beinardo heads the commission. Rome, July 9 – Leaders of the world’s largest Christian denomination have commissioned a study to determine whether the body’s ages-old ambition to convince adherents of the Mosaic faith to accept Jesus of Nazareth as the Son of God and as their savior from Original Sin might meet more …
Newsroom Scare: Religion Reporter Almost Gets Something Right “That was a close one,” breathed publisher Amos Schocken. Tel Aviv, July 1 – Editorial and reporting staff at Haaretz breathed a sigh of relief Wednesday upon discovering that an article on Orthodox Jews did not, as feared, let facts go unvarnished by the bias, disdain, and arrogance of the secular journalists involved. Israel’s “paper …
Jewish Voice For Peace Says Kaddish Over Recent Lack Of Terrorists For Whom To Say Kaddish “The IDF can’t be relied on to supply the requisite number of Palestinian corpses with any regularity, and that’s a tragedy.” New York, June 22 – An activist group known for treating the deaths of even the most violent, heinous Palestinian militants as occasions worthy of Jewish expressions of grief shifted tacks this week, given …
Spies In Canaan Aim To Inspire US Jews To Call Israel ‘Nice Place To Visit’ “It’s not only our own social position and fear of change we’re considering – it carries implications for all time.” Qadesh Barnea, June 11 – Ten men dispatched from this wilderness location to the Promised Land to bring back details regarding its population, fecundity, strategic preparedness, and other important information for military conquest and eventual settlement …
Man Can’t Get Socializing Done If 6-Ft Distancing In Place At Shul “You can’t lean over and whisper a snarky comment to your buddy during the Rabbi’s recorded sermon the way you can in shul.” Bergenfield, New Jersey, June 2 – Family and friends of a regular Sabbath morning services attendee noted their concern today at his accumulating stress and anxiety over the impediment that coronavirus containment …
Hanania, Mishael, Azaria Look At 5-Day Forecast, Opt To Stay In Furnace Imperial authorities cast the trio in to the furnace after the three defied a royal edict demanding that all subjects bow to the statue of an idol. Valley of Dura, May 19 – Three Jews cast into a fiery oven for refusing to bow to an idol set up by the Babylonian emperor have decided …
“If we do not ask the omniscient deity to help us, how can He know what we want?” Jerusalem, May 7 – Islamic officials at the council that administers holy sites on the Temple Mount accused the Jewish State today of setting up electronic devices in the area to prevent the five-times-daily prayers there from …
Community Performs Annual Ritual Of Arguing Whether To Make Bracha On Yom Haatzmaut Hallel “It’s a cherished community custom.” West Hempstead, New York, April 29 – Israel’s Chief Rabbinate long ago ordained the recitation of a series of laudatory and thanksgiving Psalms on the anniversary of Israel’s statehood announcement in 1948, and some synagogues have ever since enhanced that practice with an accompanying argument over the permissibility of reciting …
Kotel Empty, Women Of The Wall Mull Hiring Others To Spit On Them Chances of encountering useful opposition, i.e. an acceptable level of spitting shoving, and shouting for PR purposes, are close to nil. Jerusalem, April 20 – A group of feminism activists who mark the start of each Jewish month with a public women’s prayer session at one of the faith’s holiest sites in defiance of traditional …
Unaware Imams Promised Them Immunity, Coronavirus Kills Muslims Too “We need an inquiry into whose job it was to inform the coronavirus only to attack infidels.” Gaza City, April 2 – A pathogen responsible for tens of thousands of deaths worldwide and hundreds of thousands more with life-threatening respiratory symptoms has either ignored or remains unconscious of the guarantees of various Islamic preachers that …
Lockdown Violators: Torah Study Will Protect From Coronavirus As It Protected Yeshivas Of Europe From Holocaust “Torah is the best guardian,” intoned a young man, citing a martyred sage. Jerusalem, March 25 – Students disregarding official warnings to avoid leaving the home if at all possible and not to congregate or spend time in proximity with others told reporters today they do not need to heed those directives because they enjoy …
Pandemic Prompts Divine Thoughts Of Postponing Passover Till After Sukkot A pilgrimage festival under current circumstances will prove an epidemiological nightmare. Jerusalem, March 12 – Ministering angels disclosed today that the Almighty has begun consultation with His advisory board regarding the possibility of delaying this year’s observance of the Feast of Unleavened Bread for more than six months until the danger of a burgeoning plague has …
God Snubs Big Fashion Names, Taps Unknown ‘Betzalel’ To Design Priestly Vestments Their ideas for low-cut, high-hemmed, sex-ambiguous garments for the Israelite priesthood garnered not a single divine glance. Wilderness of Sinai, March 4 – Uproar hit the world of high fashion today following the announcement that the Almighty has selected an unproven youngster for the task of overseeing production of garments for the men who will …
Ads Urge Jews To Be Better Jews By Rejecting 95% Of Jews, Judaism “The best Jews are vulnerable Jews, 100% dependent on the goodwill of others’ for their safety!” proclaims a Facebook post with hundreds of Likes and Shares by Islamists and White Supremacist users. New York, February 24 – A progressive group targeting Jewish youths hopes to recruit a large number of new adherents to its philosophy by means …
YHWH Refuses To Stop Existing Even After Scholar Proves Semantic Incoherence Of ‘God’ “Trust us academics – we’re smarter than you so you have to believe us. Have a little faith, in other words.” Cambridge, February 13 – In what numerous observer are calling a display of divine stubbornness and arrogance, the Creator and ruler of the universe and of reality itself continues to defy calls for His …
Abbas Vows To Find Voodoo Doll Behind Lack Of Palestinian Free Will “The only explanation for our people and their leadership repeatedly refusing to demonstrate any sense that they possess any political or moral agency.” Ramallah, February 4 – The president of the body that governs the vast majority of Palestinians in areas ceded to their control as part of a 1993 interim agreement expressed his commitment …