Religion

“These people aren’t exactly Einsteins.”

Chocolate’s ubiquitous role in celebration means if it is lacking, we are concerned that one or both of the parties will feel defrauded, and the transaction is void.

Shulhan Arukh Yoreh De’ah Section 84 Paragraph 16.

Moses refused to mention raspberries, a fruit he finds unremarkable at best, and nauseating at worst.

The thread began with a debunking of a notorious map purporting to show “Palestinian loss of land” since 1947.

Congregants suppress indications they find his trite bombastic tendencies awkward or undesirable, so as not to humiliate another in public.

What other brilliant or scathing pranks by manuscript copyists are forever lost?

He claimed the same dark forces behind the “theft” of that presidential contest had meddled with the results of the leaven-search. Mar-a-Lago, April 5 – The former President of the United States whose followers allege malfeasance in the counting of votes that deprived him of reelection in 2020 responded this morning to reports that his …

“It’s not really our business what the Romans to do him,” shrugged a man named Philip. “At this point we can wash our hands of the incident.” Jerusalem, March 28 – A group of Jewish sages narrowly avoided violation of a strict Biblical precept last night when they managed to expel from their festival meal …

“I could do such a better job with ‘O Unholy One Who Darkens the Sun’. And he always uses the same stupid tune.”

“No one needs to hear how righteous you are when we all know you’re only interested in chugging enough liquor to pass out and maybe throw up six or seven times along the way.” Jerusalem, March 8 – A resident of Israel’s capital laughed today at people’s invocation of a Talmudic statement enjoining men to …

“Glorying in the violent, targeted deaths of children because they are ‘agents of Apartheid’ or some other falsehood – well, that makes Allah glad He decided to gradually withdraw His favor from the Islamic world some time ago. Now the process will only accelerate.” Jannah, February 23 – The creator and sustainer of the universe who …

Ḥoni attracted criticism for his confrontational, almost embarrassing, encounter with God, but his critics conceded that his “familial” position in the divine “household” had helped them. Mr. Beast, too, has faced criticism for some of his philanthropic efforts. Greensboro, February 14 – The word’s most popular YouTube celebrity agreed to reimburse an ancient Jewish folklore …

Up to thirty percent of the cases of ancient graves discovered in the course of construction excavation never, in fact, existed, except in the imaginations of Haredi protesters provoked to demonstrate against various public works projects by Big Pashkevil. Jerusalem, February 1 – Investigation of several printing establishments in the ultraconservative neighborhoods of Israel’s capital …

(((Somebody))) altered those people’s DNA before they were killed and thrown into a well. Jerusalem, January 23 – Researchers who extracted and analyzed genetic material from centuries-old human tissue discovered that no sequence of nucleic acids coding for cephalic keratin protrusions appears in the cells of those of the Hebraic persuasion as long ago as …

“They’re just so quick to make assumptions about me because of my appearance.” Jerusalem, January 12 – A resident of this city whose insecurities come to the fore upon encountering visibly-observant Jews blames the phenomenon on observant Jews for mentally deeming him unworthy in comparison to them, he can just tell, the man reported today. …

“We are also aware of one special case of devotion involving urinating on the roof of the building, but not everyone reaches that level, so to speak.” Jerusalem, January 3- A local worshiper has taken the next logical step in his behavior toward sites sacred to his faith, observers reported today, moving beyond pointing his …

European progressives called the development unfortunate, but a predictable outcome of Israeli policies. Bethlehem, December 25 – A group of terrorists operating in the traditionally-accepted birthplace of Jesus interdicted the passage of St. Nicholas’s reindeer-pulled vehicle tonight as it passed over the town, and have since kept him in an undisclosed location, a spokesman for …

A part of the service that seldom, if ever, features anything but quiet recitation and on a regular afternoon takes perhaps thirty seconds, not the four minutes this rendition required. Jerusalem, December 14 – A rift has developed in the Jewish cabal that secretly runs much of the world and continues to strive for total …

“Heretic!” yelled two of the diversity officers. “Fascist!” yelled another. Wilmington, December 5 – A clash of values among the the committee elected to oversee a progressive Jewish house of worship has challenged longstanding friendships and assumptions of shared priorities in a membership already riven by the tumultuous politics of the last several years: must the …

“Without going through the real, painful, and necessary T’shuvah process, I’m afraid a presidential pardon, no matter how official, doesn’t expiate the sinner.” Washington, November 24 – Leading spiritual figures in the Jewish world cautioned today that the annual White House ritual of releasing the traditional Thanksgiving fowl from impending slaughter only works, according to …

Jews are responsible collectively for Israeli policies and that Jews have nothing to do with Israel. New York, November 15 – A pro-Palestinian activist who insists that Zionists have created a false link between their movement and the religion that follows the Torah, and who claims that any such link exists only in the tendentious imaginations …

The Being that created the universe with the spoken word made heard what other divine beings heard as a chuckle. Heaven, November 3 – The creator ex nihilo of all existence, with complete control and absolute knowledge of every last detail in that creation, expressed appreciation today for the humor of your feeble attempts at …

Some arrivals believe they have come as visitors but end up detained. Hades, October 26 – Denizens of the Underworld where the wicked suffer eternal torment and others achieve cleansing of their iniquities have voiced with increasing recent frequency the complaint that photography-happy visitors have spoiled the experience for the condemned and the staff alike, infernal …

The belated discovery prompted a flurry of googling and discussions among the seven attendees how to coopt Sukkot for anti-Israel propaganda purposes. New York, October 13 – A self-styled Jewish organization committed an error in planning its special Day of Atonement Solidarity with Palestinians Feast, an organization member acknowledged today, as the group realized only …

“Parasites,” Corell was heard to mutter after rereading a New York Times article on the alleged academic underperformance of certain Hasidic schools. New York, September 29 – A business owner with a bias against employing Haredim also accuses Haredim of living off welfare at the expense of the taxpayer instead of getting jobs, associates of …

The “extended warranty” message constituted yet another element of everything set to be undermined if he followed through. Mt. Moriah, September 20 – The prophesied progenitor of many nations voiced some vexation today upon completing what many consider his final and most demanding trial, recalling a moment during the emotional and psychological ordeal when a …

“A cohort of applicants believes they would come by this hard-earned knowledge as if by magic, without cracking open a textbook or engaging in direct study of the relevant materials.” Jerusalem, September 12 – The reconstituted judicial body that serves as the arbiter of all questions of Jewish law and presides over the post-Messianic spiritual stewardship …

“The trick is learning to handle the weight and girth of it. It’s about cultivating stamina.” Crown Heights, September 1 – A man who blows a ram horn each weekday in the synagogue for most of the month leading up to the Jewish New Year keeps mentioning how big his instrument is, observers report, eliciting …

“It’s especially Jewish to tolerate people who seek to harm you, which is why so many Jews are proud progressives.” New York, August 24 – A gentile took the opportunity again today to lecture a member of the Hebraic tribes on what such membership demands and entails, a pastime in which he indulges with some …

“Their straw man of Jewish assumptions and motives, derived from centuries of antisemitic indoctrination and their own fantasies of power, leads them to think Jews will cower and flee when violence confronts them.” Jabaliya Refugee Camp, August 15 – Members of militant movements dedicated to destroying reasserted Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland believe they …

“What?” he protested. “Admit it, you know it’s funny.” Jerusalem, August 4 – A local father found the opportunity to make a suggestive pun too enticing to wait until it became relevant to the season, choosing instead Thursday morning to call the special versions of food products that normally contain leavened wheat or related derivatives …

The layers of colorful fabric in which the figures are often adorned demonstrates they were objects of devotion. Northeast coast of Land Mass B, July 26 – Explorers unearthed another sample of a distorted humanoid replica last month, identical to previous known samples of the phenomenon, solidifying scholarly opinion on the function and purpose of …

“I’m still saying Kaddish for my mother.” Jerusalem, July 14 – A stalwart supporter of this city’s Premier League team, known for the jingoistic, often-racist, and sometimes-violent passion of its core demographic, plans to return from this evening’s match too late to catch evening services at his synagogue, forcing him to look for nine other …

“I’m a little busy now trying to locate my monster.” Geneva, July 6 – A scientist and his assistant whose work has required them to come into contact with human remains, and thus to contract what the Bible considers spiritual defilement, voiced their dismay today at the need to undergo a special purification ritual before …

“It’s a small price to pay for sustainability,” he explained. “We can afford it, and they can make the sacrifice for something that worthwhile.” Tel Aviv, June 27 – An activist who rails against his people’s spiritual heritage, calling it “idolatry,” “backward,” and “barely removed from child-sacrifice” also adheres to assumptions and values the advancement …

“Who are Westerners to call the elimination of urine from the body on top of a holy shrine a show of disrespect?” Jerusalem, June 8 – Video of a militant Islamist relieving himself on the roof of Islam’s third-holiest site as his colleagues threatened violence over the desecration inherent in Jews walking in the area …

“The place was packed before that, easily eighty or ninety people.” Jerusalem, May 26 – Friday evening services this past weekend saw a dramatic occurrence at a local house of worship, when manifest dissatisfaction evident in the steady stream of attendees leaving the premises as a speaker droned on failed to stop that speaker from …

“The Jews who came from Europe aren’t real Jews because their ancestors weren’t from here. Please ignore that my family name means ‘the Kurd.’” Jerusalem, May 17 – Activists stressed the important distinction today between the lack of ancestral legitimacy today’s Ashkenazim have in claiming their heritage connects them to their faith’s holiest site – …

“I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that something happens if it hasn’t been recorded and uploaded to the cloud.” Jerusalem, May 5 – A local tweenager whose family and community will mark his transition into Jewish adulthood on the Jewish Sabbath voiced his surprise and dismay that neither the ceremony nor …

“We wish to clarify that the eternal truth of the land’s rightful possessors remains Islamic-Palestinian, regardless of every other piece of the mountainous evidence demonstrating to any honest observer that He made it the eternal Jewish homeland.” Land of the Negev, April 26 – The Supreme Being and Creator of all reality acknowledged a rhetorical slip …

“God should know better, is what I’m saying.” Jerusalem, April 14 – This weekend will see the Holy Temple crowded with pilgrims bringing the special annual Passover sacrifice and its associated rituals, but one worshiper finds fault with the Creator and Sustainer of the universe and the source of reality itself, because that Creator neglected …

The article attempts to reconstruct a Bible that contains such lost literary and spiritual treasures. Jerusalem, April 5 – Critical scholars have concluded that the foundational texts of the world’s major faiths feature the glaring absence of material from non-cisgender marginalized groups, a finding that they claim can only be explained by the deliberate, malicious, and …

Judaism began its development more than a thousand years before Christianity, and makes no demand that others convert or accede to its dominion. Rome, March 24 – Two of the world’s major faiths, accounting for billions of human beings and thousands of years of tradition, face difficulty with the developments of recent history and current …

The group had tried to express its grief over Israel’s killing of Salah Nimr; IDF troops shot Nimr last week when he attempted to run them down at a checkpoint south of Jerusalem. New York, March 16 – The limited knowledge of the heritage they assert to represent tripped up a group of activists today when …

“And don’t get me started on dishes. My thinking has really, really come around of late on the whole Biblical miracle thing. It’s much more plausible now.” Mevasseret Tzion, March 7 – A mother of three children in this middle-class Jerusalem suburb acknowledged that she has begun to revise her opinion on the historicity of the Hebrew …

Observers have tracked Katz’s credulous devotion to his teacher to the loss of his father four years ago and an eviction not long afterwards that deprived him of important emotional and psychological anchors. Jerusalem, February 24 – The Facebook account of an area follower of a charismatic spiritual leader brims with admiring posts quoting that leader to …

Even basic-level Jewish resolutions, such as non-Sabbath-observers who turn off their mobile devices and TVs Friday night and Saturday. Jerusalem, February 15 – New research has identified a previously-undescribed physiological phenomenon in humans, in which one who takes on a stricter practice than the mainstream of one’s faith community will, within a short period, unavoidably let …

“I’d be hard-pressed to find a Christian vision and platform that will appeal to enough people unless we also incorporate the deicide charge against the Jews but dressed up as ani-Zionism.” Louisville, February 3 – An American Christian movement constituting part of the mainline Protestant demographic in the United States would not have the first clue …

Getting one of those users to conduct a polite and productive, let alone coherent, conversation with the Rabbi might not prove feasible. Jerusalem, January 25 – A lifelong student of Jewish lore has learned every folio of both the “Babylonian” and “Jerusalem” versions of the faith’s most authoritative text, always keeping an eye out for …

Those Rabbis qualify for at least bishop-level proficiency. Rome, January 17 – Vatican officials announced today that recent developments in the Haredi Jewish community indicating that refusal to take sex-abuse and rape allegations seriously go back decades means that those religious leaders have already mastered the main requirement for positions within the venerable Christian organization, …

Future events with the shaman remain in doubt; he will soon be engaged in a 41-month spiritual retreat. Lawrence, January 6 – Members and administration of Temple Israel in this affluent Long Island suburb acknowledged their enthusiasm today ahead of a program this evening that as its highlight will give the stage to the leader of …

Substantial risk of exposing the extramarital dalliances of at least six important church personnel. By Sewell Littell Caldwell, December 28 – Leaders of a Christian house of worship in this New Jersey township called on its attendees and dues-paying flock to keep its recent expressions of antisemitism to a minimum, out of concern that journalists …

While acknowledging Zionism in their upbringings, they talked mainly of getting the hell out of the dystopia. West Hempstead, December 19 – Saturation of the environment with “seasonal” songs has driven one homeowner in this Long Island hamlet, along with his wife and children, to pack up and move to Israel. Adam Shulman, 30, told …

Witness reports indicate that a stunned silence followed the pronouncement, then laughter and renewed shouting as both boys realized the futility of the threat. Somewhere near what was probably Damascus, December 8 – A family patriarch stuck in a wooden box with his family, thousands of animals, and the waste matter of both groups, threatened …

“They, the dominant cultural force, are becoming more like the Seleucid overlords and Hellenizing Jews of yore, even as they view themselves as plucky fighters for freedom and justice.” Washington, November 29 – News, commentary, and analysis of current events cast in terms of the most recent one-term former president continued this week, as journalists and pundits …

“It’s of a piece with the Gaza siege.” New York, November 18 – A progressive group condemned the Jewish State today for neglecting to arrange catering at a mourning ritual for a man who died during an attempt last week to kill Jews. If Not Now launched a Shiva, a seven-day Jewish observance following a burial, in honor …

A spokesman for IMI stated that the firm will pursue an aggressive defense of its rights. Ramat HaSharon, October 31 – A government-owned Israeli corporation that manufacturers arms and other defense goods took legal action today against a producer of Judaica, charging that the latter’s branding of its armored skullcap series violates the military corporation’s …

Departing from her native Yiddish to convey the sentiment in the correct idiom, one mother cheered her daughter Breindl in English, setting off the commotion among agitated media personalities. Williamsburg, November 9 – Local and national media commentators descended on this Brooklyn neighborhood today following reports that the mother of an eleven-year-old student incited violence …

He counts it as one of his supreme achievements. Brooklyn, October 20 – Infernal sources disclosed today that the Prince of Darkness has admitted to feeling more chuffed than he had expected at the launch of his Evil Initiative thousands of years ago, with specific satisfaction accruing from the phenomenon of people pursuing what they …