New York, July 8 - Major League Baseball announced today the launch of a new team in the National League’s Los Angeles farm system, a single-A class club whose name pays homage to the origin of the Los Angeles team as the Brooklyn Trolley-Dodgers - shortened to just Dodgers - as well as appeals to local sensibilities against serving in the IDF for religious reasons: the Draft Dodgers.
The Bnei Brak Draft Dodgers will play in a state-of-the-art kollel-adjacent ballpark featuring 8,000 seats (all with easy access to afternoon minyan) and a Badatz Eidah Hareidit hot dog stand that closes by 9pm to discourage bittul Torah. Team officials confirmed the roster will consist entirely of promising young talmidim who have demonstrated exceptional skill in evading both beanballs and conscription notices.
“Baseball has always been about adjustment and adaptation, avoiding the out,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred in a prepared statement. “Trolleys in old Brooklyn, military service in the Jewish state. The Draft Dodgers embody that spirit perfectly.”
Sources close to the negotiations said the affiliation deal was fast-tracked after Likud MK Yuli Edelstein publicly declared he could no longer defend his party’s agenda of what he delicately termed “freeloading.” Edelstein, a former refusenik who once dodged Soviet authorities, now finds himself dodging Likud primaries and is reportedly shopping a new centrist-right party that promises a “broad coalition” — code for one that doesn’t rely on parties whose voters treat the IDF like Hasidim treat sof z’man t’fillah. “The Israeli right is splintering like a broken bat,” remarked one analyst.
Netanyahu’s office issued a terse response: “We wish the new team well, but note that true victory comes from total commitment, not selective exemptions.” Coalition partners from the Haredi factions were more enthusiastic, with one unnamed source telling reporters, “We know exactly which Rabbinic families and circle will have the concession stand rights.”
The Draft Dodgers’ inaugural season will feature several innovative rules tailored to local realities: no games on Shabbat or chagim, unlimited designated hitters for those with back issues from prolonged Gemara study, and uniforms tailored to reflect the specific Hasidic affiliation of each player, if any, or a plain black with fedora for everyone else.
Umpires will call balls and strikes, rule on safe vs. out, foul vs. fair, invoke the infield fly rule, enforce player and management decorum, decide whether to hold or continue games in inclement weather, and warn both players and spectators to flee ahead of approaching law enforcement.
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