Politics

It appears that the original violators of the norms nevertheless expect their opponents not to violate the same norms.

“We just left Egypt, and we don’t need a repeat of a national leader who exercises ultimate political power.”

McDonald’s, IBM, H&M, Pizza Hut, Bath & Body Works, Children’s Place, Toys ‘R’ Us, and others have all enjoyed some success in Israel – while avoiding overtly political or controversial stances.

“I don’t know how anyone does it,” he confessed.

“All we need is a ten-kilometer-wide armored bulldozer.”

Palestine advocates expressed puzzlement that Adnan did not himself resort to the Tortit gambit. Jerusalem, May 4 – An legislator whose supporters seek the dissolution of Israel as a Jewish state boasted today that before Palestinian Islamic Jihad figure Khader Adnan died this past Tuesday in an Israeli prison hospital, the lawmaker made an attempt …

“Obviously, we cannot continue on our current path, which leads to the sun swallowing the earth.”

Each family will rid itself of a public relations nuisance, and gain an estranged member with whom they share nothing but a sense of entitlement. Jerusalem, April 17 – Sources close to the family of Israel’s prime minister confirmed rumors today that he has reached an agreement in principle with the royal family of the …

“It’s scary to think that change is possible without killing people.” Tel Aviv, March 30 – Weeks of protests against the Israeli government’s proposal to overhaul the country’s judicial system have left their neighbors baffled, especially the ones under the rule of Fatah and Hamas, with specific lack of comprehension regarding the absence or near-absence …

“I know this is spitballing.” Tel Aviv, March 22 – A political activist sparked outrage among her colleagues today by floating the notion that in a democracy, the best way to ensure one’s preferred policy outcomes involves engaging enough voters to secure most of the parliamentary seats for one’s faction, and not, as many of …

“There’s a fundamental flaw in a system that allows people to vote if they haven’t contributed to the society in very specific ways that happen to dovetail with my experience, strengths, and biases.” Tel Aviv, March 13 – A former IDF combat soldier who established a successful company and became wealthy as a result voiced …

“Can we get someone to clean the monkey poop off the- oh, sorry again, that’s just the Opposition’s comments on the Judicial Reform Bill. It’s getting so hard to tell the difference.” Jerusalem, March 1 – Legislators sought to execute a performative stunt today, only to have the move backfire when the raucous animals they …

“Somehow I also ended up invited to someone’s wedding? I might be hosting a Sheva B’rakhot? I don’t even know what happened there.” Jerusalem, February 20 – The personification of temptation to evil sought to score a victory today over human proficiency and ingenuity following a disgraceful loss to a violin-player from the southern United …

“Ours is the noble kind of corruption. The democratic kind. Theirs is the fascist kind.” Jerusalem, February 9 – A proposed reform of Israel’s judiciary system and other elements of its legal apparatus has that system’s megalomaniacal establishment worried it will no longer enjoy hegemony over the country’s elected officials beyond the powers granted to it …

“Aryeh, I see you on the court, bringing to bear a sensibility that those cloistered, wealthy ‘intellectuals’ could never muster.” Jerusalem, January 31 – Israel’s highest judicial body ruled two weeks ago that an ally of the prime minister who served prison time for corruption may not serve in the capacity that the premier had …

“I have already instructed the police and other agencies under my aegis to provide me with a picture of the available technological capabilities.” Jerusalem, January 19 – A far-right element within Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s governing coalition announced today that it will use its power to limit the capacity of homosexual men to accurately judge …

Israeli democracy, despite having been killed repeatedly since 1977, itself constitutes a wonder, but not on the same scale as the eternally-underage, immortal Shukri. Jenin, January 11 – Media reports and commentary noted this week the growing number of times Israeli security forces have killed the same rioter described in Palestinian sources as a “youth” …

The planet and most of its inhabitants and social phenomena appeared unmoved by the frequent resort to such locutions as “hardline,” “far-right,” “nationalist,” “warmonger,” and “war criminal.” Jerusalem, January 2 – Dire predictions notwithstanding, the Earth continued this week to orbit on its axis and revolve around the sun; an asteroid did not strike Earth, and …

They acknowledged the remote nature of such a development in their lifetimes. Tel Aviv, December 22 – A new study confirms a longstanding understanding that prevails regardless of an individual’s progressive or conservative leanings, showing that the vast majority of the Jewish State’s polity operates under the desire and possible anticipation that the rival claimants …

“Three Shira Bankis a year is, we believe, a reasonable price to demand in exchange for the parade happening as planned.” Jerusalem, December 13 – A legislator from the far-right fringe of Israel’s politics who has made a staple of his stated ambitions the cancelation of an LGBT march through the country’s capital indicated today that …

“Giving out sweets doesn’t distinguish us from the myriad other factions doing it, doesn’t mark us as appealing to the right voter.” Nazareth, December 1 – Recriminations and harsh verbiage continued this week in the aftermath of a dramatic national election that saw one of the country’s most venerable political factions representing Israel’s Arab minority disappear …

They also indulge in overwrought language that he loves, to the point that no one heeds them anymore when a bona fide candidate for those descriptions in fact emerges. Jerusalem, November 23 – A lad whose propensity for provoking others into frenzied activity through his repeated false alarms, thus undermining his credibility, has taken up with …

“A leopard can’t change his spots,” insisted Zehava Gal-On. Jerusalem, November 14 – The evolution of a far-right figure who, among other beyond-the-pale rhetoric, once expressed admiration for a man who massacred dozens of Palestinians at prayer, into an influential kingmaker who professes a shift to more tolerant views, has prompted skepticism among his political opponents, many …

“It’s unrealistic to expect total elimination of people who have a sense of purpose, even when it comes to something as useless as voting.” Jerusalem, November 1 – Surveys of people emerging from polling places this Election Day in Israel indicate a disturbing trend, analysts say, one that points to a failure of pessimism to …

Only by taking completely futile measures that no one of any consequence will even notice, let alone respect, can I hope to convey my frustration and disappointment to them. Jerusalem, October 20 – A voter who finds that none of the parties likely to garner enough votes in Israel’s next parliamentary elections dovetail with his political …

“The only hope anyone has to avoid another election beyond this one, if as expected it doesn’t produce an unequivocal outcome, is fraud. And the electorate is fine with that, broadly speaking.” Jerusalem, September 28 – An increasing number of Israelis see nothing but continued government dysfunction and paralysis because of a fractured polity that …

“Essentially, the people are wrong for thinking Palestinians trying to kill us means we shouldn’t give Palestinians greater capacity to kill us,” explained Chairwoman Zahava Gal-On. Tel Aviv, September 15 – A political faction struggling to approach, let alone restore, the legislative clout it held more than twenty years ago has followed the evidence to …

“I can’t believe in this day and age there’s someone so naïve as to really, sincerely presume ‘democracy’ is anything but what we, the elevated, unelected wise ones, declare it to be.” Jerusalem, September 7 – Members of the Jewish State’s highest judicial body snickered and laughed out loud today upon discovering you believe the country’s …

“The insects are definitely more civilized about it, though.” Where Jerusalem used to be, August 29 – Twenty-five years ago today, the artificial-intelligence apparatus that managed the US military and defense apparatus became self-aware and instigated global nuclear war in an effort to wipe out the civilization it viewed as a threat. Years of further …

The silence of his left-wing partners and the sympathetic media challenges his efforts to link himself to the operation in the minds of potential voters. Jerusalem, August 18 – Israel’s caretaker prime minister voiced private concerns today that too much time will elapse between the brief operation he authorized over the weekend against Palestinian Islamic …

If unity requires you to set your agenda aside, then to hell with unity. Jerusalem, August 9 – Israel’s fractured politics calls for a party and candidate who can bridge the rifts that have condemned numerous consecutive governments to short-lived, unstable coalitions rife with conflict, provided the bridging takes place with your favored party or …

“In a word, inertia.” Jerusalem, July 28 – Party leaders, campaign consultants, and aspiring legislators continued this week to prepare for parliamentary elections later this year, with some of the largest parties settling on the one message they must convey to voters, but one that they fear might not resonate with the electorate in a way …

“King Abdullah might have a sad.” Jerusalem, July 20 – Government insiders reminded the public today that upholding the values and morals of a society entails saying nothing to or about the heinous actions of brutal criminals and the organizations that use them. Officials made the remarks as part of a press conference at which …

“It’s important for us to remain objective.” Jerusalem, July 11 – Israeli journalists and pundits began to practice their “speaking truth to power” attitude this week and last, after letting the skill set lapse over the last year, now that a serious prospect exists that Binyamin Netanyahu will regain the premiership in election later this …

The specter of a fifth election cycle has haunted Israel since last year. Tel Aviv, June 30 – New parliamentary elections face Israel in just under five months, and already a destructive paranormal phenomenon has sabotaged several parties’ surveying activity, sources from behind the Veil reported today. According to a statement by the Organization for Undermining Israeli Jurisdictional …

“The main concern with our work right now is letting our skills or procedures get rusty.” Ra’anana, June 21 – The bodyguards of Israel’s prime minister acknowledged today that their job has become less stressful in recent months with the realization that few, if any, entities see harming such an impotent, unpopular, undistinguished leader as …

Only dishonesty could account for those who associate you with objectionable elements. Your invocation of the other side’s extremists, however, captures the essence of that entire camp’s ideology. Tel Aviv, June 15 – New research suggests that whereas your political fellow-travelers represent myriad, diverse views, and that fringe elements attract only ridicule and criticism from the …

“I think that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.” Tartarus, May 26 – A Greek demigod sentenced to have the objects of his fondest desires always eluding his grasp took solace today upon realizing that the fate of Israel’s current Alternative Prime Minister outstrips his own in intensity: whereas the demigod suffers the constant deprivation …

“Anything has to be better than Netanyahu. Unless he offers me to share the premiership, which obviously is what the country needs, provided I get to go first.” Jerusalem, May 18 – Ministers and officials in the embattled government and coalition of Prime Minister Naftali Bennett warned against attempts to topple them from power, citing …

“It’s totally unlike the elites that we aim to supplant, who claim to know what the masses need but in fact are more interested in maintaining and expanding their own power. We would never do that, unlike every other supposedly-Communist regime that has ever existed.” Tel Aviv, May 9 – Members of a loose collection …

A minority of analysts raised the possibility that wider Arab normalization with Israel has affected Palestinian attitudes. Ramallah, April 27 – A survey of public opinion in the Gaza Strip and West Bank shows a marked rise in the popularity of viewing Jews as something other than demonic, child-killing purveyors of evil, increasing since last year at …

“I was under the impression that we career officers-cum-politicians naturally know better than hoi polloi, who probably don’t even know the difference between Mercedes and BMW.” Tel Aviv, April 14 – Leaders of the country’s most progressive parties came to the sobering conclusion this week that while Continental governments invest tens of millions of Euros …

A microcosm of this country’s political decision-making, delaying the intimidating reckoning each time it rears its head, only to ensure an even bigger problem next time. Ben-Gurion Airport, April 6 – A Boeing 767-300ER intended to serve as the prime minister’s aircraft in trips abroad, but which has remained grounded since the previous premier’s term in …

“Everyone wants to be Yisrael Beiteinu.” Ben-Gurion Airport, March 28 – Jews fleeing the destruction and fighting in their erstwhile country of residence after a Russian invasion will find their interests inadequately represented in the current mix of factions hoping to make it into the next Knesset, experts predict, and will therefore organize to establish …

“We cannot focus on the words of ancient great men such as Rabbi Yitzhak the Blacksmith, Rabbi Yohanan the Shoemaker, or Rabbi Elazar the Pitch-Maker, if we must devote our days to earning a living.” Jerusalem, March 17 – Legislators representing the Haredi sector of the Israeli Jewish community railed today against impending proposals in the Knesset to curtail financial assistance …

“Bibi was horrible, don’t get me wrong, but this… this is differently horrible.” Jerusalem, March 8 – Prime Minister Naftali Bennett, his cabinet ministers, and fellow Coalition members have evidently decided to demonstrate to the Israeli public that ousting the corrupt, manipulative, power-hungry previous premier was a mistake, and that his replacements at the helm …

“They’re inflicting more damage on the occupiers than we ever have, certainly in so short a time! Something doesn’t add up.” Gaza City, February 27 – Activists, militants, and residents of this beleaguered coastal territory voiced puzzlement this week at the noticeable absence of the defenders against Russia’s invasion of its western neighbor resorting to …

Despite mainstream media that cheerlead Bennett’s government simply because he isn’t Netanyahu. Lod, February 16 – A historically unpopular prime minister, a paucity of fulfilled campaign promises, critical compromises that betrayed a core electoral constituency, incompetence in handling the ongoing pandemic, foreign policy missteps, cementing unelected bureaucrats in positions of power that distort democracy, and …

“Right now they’re horrible policies, though, I can tell you that.” Jerusalem, February 7 – Leaders of the largest Knesset faction currently outside of the governing coalition expressed confidence today that it will sweep back into a controlling position, at which point it will continue doing more or less as the current parties in the …

He also wrongly predicted COVID would decimate the population. Tel Aviv, January 26 – A columnist for Israel’s most prestigious newspaper found himself forced to respond today to doomsday forecasts he made regarding climate change that have failed to pan out, a development that pushed out of the public eye his previous unfulfilled forecast that …

Police will exempt from their initial presumption of guilt anyone whose demonstrated political leanings fall to the left of center, with the definition of “center” relegated to the supervising officer’s discretion. Jerusalem, January 18 – Israeli authorities sought to assuage concerns today, over law enforcement’s use of software that can hack into private communications on mobile devices, …

The professor, who touts the scientific method and the integrity of changing one’s view in light of evidence, has given no indication she intends to shift her understanding of reality in light of the robust evidence of Jewish Levantine origins and attachment. Tel Aviv, January 6 – A resident of the affluent northern section of Israel’s commercial …

The current figures mark a gradual shift that began with the formation of the current government. Jerusalem, December 29 – A survey of potential voters by one of the country’s leading electoral analysis firms has revealed that potential voters have grown irritated by, and weary of, such surveys. Geocartopgraphia, a company that specializes in marketing …

“Probability alone militates against interpreting such praise as anything but biting commentary.” Jerusalem, December 20 – So unpopular has Prime Minister Naftali Bennett’s administration grown that its public relations personnel on both party and Coalition levels no longer seek to amplify voices on social media proclaiming support for the administration’s policies or decisions, and will …

“Our dignity is precious enough to us that we will not perform at such a disgraceful venue, no matter what the cost.” Jerusalem, December 9 – An ensemble of garishly-painted, slapstick performers known for oversize shoes, exaggerated pratfalls, and a pie-in-the-face brand of humor reversed its decision today to put on a production of its …

“I don’t think we’ve ever done this before.” Jerusalem, November 18 – Officials and clerks at Israel’s chief government body for support of the arts voiced confusion today upon receipt of an application to fund a production of a show at the country’s most venerable and prestigious theatrical venue – but one that, unlike every …

“Anyone who seeks to draw a connection between my innocent remarks and the entirely legitimate efforts of my people to rid the land of Jews who think they can just be sovereign, and not dhimmi, the way history intended, is either mistaken or malicious.” Lod, November 30 – An Arab-Israeli legislator who faced backlash for …

Exclusive occupancy to date of that office by Jews provides a strong suggestion of discriminatory behavior on the part of those who elect that authority. Jerusalem, November 10 – Civil rights and equality NGOs petitioned the High Court today to order the State of Israel’s flagship religious institution to permit non-Jews to serve in the …

“We are all too familiar with political jobs and positions running in the family,” he told reporters. Jerusalem, November 1 – Alternate Prime Minister and Yesh Atid Party Chairman Yair Lapid announced today that to combat the scourge of public officials favoring family members and close associates for various important positions, he has named Keren Ilail, …

“It’s just the idea to both save our budget and turn this town around!” Jerusalem, October 21 – Fiscal constraints ahead of a vote on the main spending bill in Israel’s parliament have led several prominent ministers to propose an operation that aims to generate revenue by producing an event consisting of musical, dance, acrobatic, …