Vol. XII· No. 47· Sunday, November 1, 2026
Satire · Price: Your Dignity
Jerusalem  ·  New York  ·  The Diaspora At Large


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Opinion

Showing 121–180 of 578 articles · Page 3 of 10

I Pay The Best Bail April 10, 2023 I Pay The Best Bail

By Donald J. Trump, former President of the United States New York, April 10 – It’s been five days since my arraignment, and let me just say – that was the greatest arraignment in the history of arraignments. My indictment is better than any indictment in the history of New York, and probably of the …

[Insert Progressive Issue] Is A Jewish Value March 29, 2023 [Insert Progressive Issue] Is A Jewish Value

by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Truah – The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights New York, March 29 – Democracy. Feminism. Marriage equality. #ItsHerTurn. Mandated pronouns. Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. Critical Race Theory. Collective reparations. Drag Queen Story Hours. Free Palestine. Net Zero. Defund the Police. Sanctuary Cities. The list goes on of the pillars of the …

Why Won’t The Jews Buy All This Blood I’ve Collected? March 20, 2023 Why Won’t The Jews Buy All This Blood I’ve Collected?

By Count Dracula Transylvania, March 20 – Passover it just over two weeks away. Those who observe it should be busy preparing their unleavened flatbread. But not a single one has responded to my ad announcing the availability of copious human blood that everyone knows they need in order to make that bread. What gives? …

Palestine Is *The* Issue Of Gravest Concern For Michigan March 9, 2023 Palestine Is *The* Issue Of Gravest Concern For Michigan

By Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) Dearborn, March 9 – Here in the Twelfth Congressional District, we have our work cut out for us. This once-prospering, working-class area of Detroit used to boast manufacturing jobs that put the American dream within reach; now, decades after the irreversible decline of the American automotive industry in the state, …

Zionism Is Bad Because Nationalism Is Bad But Not Palestinian Nationalism Because Reasons February 27, 2023 Zionism Is Bad Because Nationalism Is Bad But Not Palestinian Nationalism Because Reasons

By Ayama Dumfuq, campus Palestine activist New York, February 27 – To avoid accusations that we anti-Zionists hold antisemitic views, we are forced to claim that we oppose the Jewish State in principle not because we want to deny Jews sovereignty, which sounds an awful lot like antisemitism, but because we oppose all ethnonationalism, which has …

I Was Palestinian Like The Iroquois Were ‘New Yorkers’ February 16, 2023 I Was Palestinian Like The Iroquois Were ‘New Yorkers’

by Jesus of Nazareth Jerusalem of the Heavens, February 16 – OK, this is a relatively new one. I’ve been called all manner of things, and I’ll be the first to acknowledge no all those things are consistent with “Son of God” and good connotations. But I’m especially irked by the recent effort – it’s …

Powerful Jewish Interests Kept Me From The Presidency Of This Synagogue January 29, 2023 Powerful Jewish Interests Kept Me From The Presidency Of This Synagogue

By Kenneth Roth, former Director of Human Rights Watch New York, January 26 – It’s happened again. Just weeks after America’s premier educational and research institution bowed to pro-Israel donors and rescinded its offer to me of a position, now my local house of worship has acted in similarly corrupt fashion – it has submitted …

How Can I Make This About Palestine? January 18, 2023 How Can I Make This About Palestine?

by Patricia Elton, Thomas Alva Edison Elementary School Annual Bake Sale Chair Effington, January 18 – This February will mark my second time in a row coordinating our institution’s biggest fundraiser of the year, but the first time I will bring to bear the sensibilities that I have finally internalized after a thorough series of …

Please Complete This Palestinian Martyr Application Form January 9, 2023 Please Complete This Palestinian Martyr Application Form

Thank you for your devotion to this sacred cause. To help us direct your talents and preferences in the best way, please provide the information solicited in the following questionnaire. We will do our best to accommodate your preferences, but make no guarantees, so please answer the questions as accurately as you can. Happy dying! …

Human Rights Demand Migrants Must Stay In Israel, A Horrible Racist Country December 29, 2022 Human Rights Demand Migrants Must Stay In Israel, A Horrible Racist Country

by Balila Haki, Btselem activist Tel Aviv, December 29 – I do not know how to make my organization’s position on this matter any clearer. Our assertion, born of dedication to moral sensitivity and global awareness, is and remains that people who have traversed much of East Africa to reach Israel, a country so profoundly …

That War Could’ve Been An Email December 20, 2022 That War Could’ve Been An Email

by King Hussein of Jordan Amman, December 20 – OK, I’ll say it: our efforts were not entirely an exercise in futility, but they were a massive waste of resources, time, and manpower to accomplish next to nothing. In other words, that six-day war could have been an e-mail. Oh, stop it. I know e-mail …

I Get To Reclaim My Ancestors’ Home Because They Sided With A Failed Genocide December 11, 2022 I Get To Reclaim My Ancestors’ Home Because They Sided With A Failed Genocide

by Issa Awad, Palestine Refugee Tulkarm, December 8 – The morality of the situation is clear: my forebears fled Haifa in anticipation of Arab liberators slaughtering the Jews of the city and making ample plunder available, but when that didn’t happen, and the Jews actually won and took over the place, my great-grandparents set up …

You Zionists Are Trying To Kidnap What We Arabs Have Rightfully Stolen November 30, 2022 You Zionists Are Trying To Kidnap What We Arabs Have Rightfully Stolen

by Vizzini Florin, November 30 – So. It is down to you – and it is down to me. There will be no negotiation. And you’re killing the Zionist project. There’s nothing to explain. You Zionists are trying to kidnap what we Arabs have rightfully stolen. You could have gone anywhere. Uganda. The Americas. Madagascar. …

Iranian Women Should Shut Up And Take It November 21, 2022 Iranian Women Should Shut Up And Take It

by Linda Sarsour New York, November 21 – Bad-faith critics have seized on my understated response to events in the Islamic Republic in the last month-plus, depicting my alleged silence in the face of the unrest there as an endorsement of repression of women. I am here to set the record straight, regardless of my …

There Better Be Some Murderous Thugs Left To Empower When The Iran Regime Falls October 24, 2022 There Better Be Some Murderous Thugs Left To Empower When The Iran Regime Falls

by Ben Rhodes, former White House adviser Washington, October 24 – The scenes from around the Islamic Republic over the last few weeks have generated the gamut of reactions: fear for the courageous women of the country; concern for regional stability; uncertainty over the future of the regime’s nuclear program; worry regarding the integrity and …

What Is Russian Word For Nakba? September 29, 2022 What Is Russian Word For Nakba?

by Vladimir Putin, President, Russian Federation Moscow, September 29 – Special Operation in Ukraine began February, but I will be first to admit it did not follow plan we had. Bombast and disinformatsiya had only part of desired effect, we failed in surprise assault on Kiev, and in months since, our military has failed in objective …

Quick, Find A New Alarmist Buzzword To Call Israel – ‘Apartheid’ Isn’t Working September 19, 2022 Quick, Find A New Alarmist Buzzword To Call Israel – ‘Apartheid’ Isn’t Working

by Linda Sarsour New York, September 19 – I just returned from a solidarity visit to our Palestinian brethren under occupation, and I have both good news and bad news. The good news: our brothers and sisters facing the brutal colonialist policies of Zionism expressed as much resolve as ever when it comes to demanding historical …

I Feel Like My Kid’s ‘Happy Birthday Osama’ Banner Didn’t Go Over Well Today September 11, 2022 I Feel Like My Kid’s ‘Happy Birthday Osama’ Banner Didn’t Go Over Well Today

by Hamda al-Fadi, DMV clerk Brooklyn, September 11 – My son turned five today, and I thought we’d acknowledge his milestone by not just keeping the celebration within the walls of our apartment, but showing him we want to share the occasion with the whole neighborhood. That we’re so proud he’s ours! But things took a dark …

Please Don’t Confuse My Racism Of Low Expectations For Arabs With My Outright Hate For Jews August 31, 2022 Please Don’t Confuse My Racism Of Low Expectations For Arabs With My Outright Hate For Jews

by Jeremy Pine, BBC Middle East correspondent Jerusalem, August 31 – I feel like my audience makes certain erroneous assumptions about my prejudices, and will now attempt to clarify for you the biases that govern my reporting so that you can avoid misunderstanding my work: the fact that I consider Palestinians, for example, constitutionally incapable …

Hey, I Just Found Ancient Proof Of Palesti- Never Mind, This One’s Jewish Too August 22, 2022 Hey, I Just Found Ancient Proof Of Palesti- Never Mind, This One’s Jewish Too

by Dr. Hassan Barghouti, archaeologist Temple Mount, August 22 – Guys! Guys! Look at this! I got it! Here’s irrefutable evidence that this site was a Palestinian shrine way back during the late- oh. Huh. OK, forget that, guys! Forget it! False alarm! More Jewish stuff. As you were. By Allah, that’s like the fifth …

Having Someone To Blame Is Easier Than Actually Building Something August 11, 2022 Having Someone To Blame Is Easier Than Actually Building Something

by Every Single Palestinian Leader Ever Ramallah, August 11 – For more than a century, we Palestinians have fought the usurpation of our land. We have done nothing but fight that usurpation. And it shows. Robust national institutions? Nope. A functioning government? Nuh-uh. Genuine attempts to create a society that generates buy-in from its members and …

My Hobby Is Characterizing Israeli Defensive Weapons, Actions As Aggression August 2, 2022 My Hobby Is Characterizing Israeli Defensive Weapons, Actions As Aggression

by Yousef Munayyer, US Campaign for Palestinian Rights Washington, August 2 – We’ve all heard the claims: Israel’s Iron Dome missile system poses a dire threat to Palestinian safety. A minority of people hear the statement and find it absurd, because how could a system that intercepts incoming rockets threaten anyone? But most people lack …

I’m So Angry At SCOTUS I’ve Had Six Abortions In The Last Week Just To Show Them July 4, 2022 I’m So Angry At SCOTUS I’ve Had Six Abortions In The Last Week Just To Show Them

By Shea McKinnon, LGBTQIA2+-, BIPOC-, Latinx-, and persons-with-a-uterus Ally New York, July 4 – Each year on this date the pain compounds, as people of conscience everywhere bemoan the establishment of the worst society in history, with the possible exception of the Zionist one. Two Fridays ago the justice of this attitude once again became manifest …

Joel Would Be Greatly Disappointed By The Quality Of Food At His Shiva June 23, 2022 Joel Would Be Greatly Disappointed By The Quality Of Food At His Shiva

by Jerry Lefkowitz Forest Hills, June 23 – Oh, Saul, I assume you heard about Joel? Yeah, poor Frieda and the girl are devastated. I just came from paying a condolence call there, and I have to say, Joel would be greatly disappointed by the quality of food at his Shiva. You know it’s true! …

Jewish Separation Of Meat/Dairy Proves Israel Is Apartheid May 24, 2022 Jewish Separation Of Meat/Dairy Proves Israel Is Apartheid

by Agnès Callamard, Amnesty International Director-General London, May 24 – An increasing number of international organizations have concluded that Israel’s unequal treatment of Palestinians under its jurisdiction qualifies as the same race-based system of oppression that characterized South Africa for so many decades and led that country to ostracism from the community of civilized nations. …

May 15, 2022 Appropriation? No, Jews Can Keep Gefilte Fish. We Slavs Are Good, Thanks.

by Stanislaw Kaczynski Warsaw, May 12 – Listen, I know some influential folks are up in arms about one group taking elements of another group’s cultural heritage and either commodifying them or integrating them into their own, and I get the outrage, but y’all can calm down with any accusations that Jews stole Eastern European cuisine …

Your Attack Killed Only Non-Jews, For Which The Lifetime Pension Is Lower May 3, 2022 Your Attack Killed Only Non-Jews, For Which The Lifetime Pension Is Lower

by Muhammad Shtinqr, Acting Secretary, Prisoner Pension Payment Commissioner Ramallah, May 3 To: Mr. Fasil Fattehd Ofer Prison We are in receipt of your letter of complaint dated 22 April in which you objected to the stipend you will receive for your efforts to liberate Palestine by ramming into random Israelis with your vehicle, with …

Better Candy For Celebrating Jewish Deaths Was Available In Gaza Before The Siege April 12, 2022 Better Candy For Celebrating Jewish Deaths Was Available In Gaza Before The Siege

By Jaswan Qiljous Khan Younis, April 12 – You don’t hear it often, but many of the older generation here speak with nostalgia for the time before 2005 when Israel removed all its soldiers and settlers from this territory. The authorities frown on such an attitude, of course; therefore only the boldest of the speakers …

My Supreme Leader, We Can Attack The US And Biden Will Still Cave To All Our Demands April 3, 2022 My Supreme Leader, We Can Attack The US And Biden Will Still Cave To All Our Demands

by Ali Mossadegh, advisor to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Tehran, Mach 31- Your Holiness, I must express my admiration for your wisdom and insight regarding the Great Satan and the naivety of their political leadership. Not only did you tell us not to compromise, but to harden our demands and even extend them; you predicted that we …

I Cite Heinous Strawmen To Discredit Zionism But Real Communism Has Never Been Tried March 22, 2022 I Cite Heinous Strawmen To Discredit Zionism But Real Communism Has Never Been Tried

by Nigel Chadwick, Momentum activist London, March 21 – Progressive movements such as ours face a challenge in drawing important distinctions between the causes we support and those that earn our opposition. That challenge, and the importance of the distinctions, increases when, to the unenlightened or obtuse observer, we appear to apply double standards. For …

Calling Facts We Don’t Like ‘Hasbara’ Isn’t Working March 13, 2022 Calling Facts We Don’t Like ‘Hasbara’ Isn’t Working

by Abier Khatib, keyboard warrior and pro-Palestinian activist New York, March 10 – Folks, we have a problem: all that online engagement on Twitter and Instagram, promoting our narrative and debating against Zios has yet to produce the desired effect. We haven’t moved the needle in any noticeable way regarding American public opinion on Palestine. …

BDS Aside, What EU-Sponsored Causes Can We Pretend Are Grassroots Palestinian Initiatives? March 2, 2022 BDS Aside, What EU-Sponsored Causes Can We Pretend Are Grassroots Palestinian Initiatives?

by Josep Borell, European Commission Foreign Policy Chair Brussels, March 2 – My favorite foreign policy fiction that everyone pretends true involves the underwriting, support, and guidance for projects that ostensibly grew out of organic, local efforts, when in fact they only came about because we decided they must, and allocated the necessary resources. This …

Debunking The Feeble Narrative On Which I’ve Constructed My National Identity Is Racist! Sexist? Transphobic? Help Me Out Here. February 21, 2022 Debunking The Feeble Narrative On Which I’ve Constructed My National Identity Is Racist! Sexist? Transphobic? Help Me Out Here.

By Hussein Abubakr, Palestinian activist Gaza City, February 21 – It’s tough to have one’s sense of self challenged. Most people’s reflexive reaction involves anger, perhaps a threat – or more than a threat – of violence, since a sense of self occupies psychological space on par with physical threats to one’s life. Sometimes, however, …

People Keep Seeing Through My Jew-Hate Disguised As Hate For Jewish Security February 10, 2022 People Keep Seeing Through My Jew-Hate Disguised As Hate For Jewish Security

By Marc Lamont Hill, activist Washington, February 10 – I’m a proud anti-racist, a fighter for social justice who seeks to uphold the rights and narrative of oppressed minorities. As such, I carry heightened sensitivity to accusations that I express, or even harbor, discriminatory attitudes. I must therefore dress up my animus toward Jews as opposition …

My Name Is Mahmoud, And I Like To Cosplay As Indigenous February 1, 2022 My Name Is Mahmoud, And I Like To Cosplay As Indigenous

by Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization Ramallah, February 1 – Nice to meet you all! My name is Mahmoud, and my favorite pastime involves assuming the trappings of an ancient people with unique cultural ties to this land, when in fact the vast majority of my would-be nation …

I Forgot You Were Jewish When I Said I Support Your Self-Determination January 23, 2022 I Forgot You Were Jewish When I Said I Support Your Self-Determination

by Entirée Szyst, progressive activist London, January 20 – Oh, goodness, I’m so sorry. Your ancestry and heritage had totally slipped my mind a few minutes ago, and had I remembered, I’d not have mindlessly agreed that you and your people deserve to govern yourselves in your own land and not remain at the mercy of …

Let’s Make War Crime Accusations Now For The Next Gaza Conflict January 12, 2022 Let’s Make War Crime Accusations Now For The Next Gaza Conflict

By Arafat Masri, Palestinian Human Rights activist Beit Hanoun, January 12 – No one knows what 2022 will bring. The uncertainty colors all of our decision-making, all the more so in the shadow of COVID-19 and continued high tensions in the region. I take all that into account when I recommend that rather than waiting …

This Firebomb Ain’t Gonna Throw Itself At Jewish Kids, You Know January 3, 2022 This Firebomb Ain’t Gonna Throw Itself At Jewish Kids, You Know

By Nashat Halawi, activist Somewhere in the hills near the Hizme checkpoint, January 3 – We have to get going, Ahmad. It’s almost time for those school buses to pass by on the road down the hill, and we have resistance to maintain. These firebombs ain’t gonna throw themselves at those Jewish kids. I know …

The True Meaning Of Christmas Is To Make It About Palestinians December 23, 2021 The True Meaning Of Christmas Is To Make It About Palestinians

The true meaning of Christmas is not to look too carefully at the facile analogies of Palestine activists. Bethlehem, December 23 – Most of the Christian world heads into the Festival of the Nativity this weekend. We residents of the city where Christ was born, Christian and non-Christian alike, relish this opportunity to remind everyone …

If You Don’t Let Us Keep Our Land Free Of Jews, You’re Racist November 15, 2021 If You Don’t Let Us Keep Our Land Free Of Jews, You’re Racist

By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority (State of Palestine) Ramallah, November 15 – My predecessor Yasser Arafat and I, along with numerous prominent Palestinians, have long proclaimed we will compromise on none of the rights that other peoples enjoy, and that any attempt to curtail those rights smacks of anti-Palestinian, anti-Arab bias. Those rights …

Making Me Share A Room With My Sister Is Settler Colonialism October 26, 2021 Making Me Share A Room With My Sister Is Settler Colonialism

By Hallel Schusterman, age 16 Your parenting violates the Fourth Geneva Convention. There, I’ve said it. This is my room. It’s been my room as long as I can remember. I forged my identity in this room, became who I am today in this room. You can’t forcibly transfer my sister into my territory that …

Rejecting My Jewish Heritage In The Face Of Antisemitism Will Work *This* Time October 17, 2021 Rejecting My Jewish Heritage In The Face Of Antisemitism Will Work *This* Time

by Simone Sheodlo-Higanu New York, October 14 – An aphorism attributed (wrongly) to Albert Einstein characterizes insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. With all due respect to the professor, I believe my current course will defy that pattern: unlike all the efforts of my ancestors who sought …