I Was Lied To At Summer Camp About Israel: That Nerd Jake DIDN’T Have A Girlfriend There “Sh-she’s from, she’s from, uh, Rishon LeTziyon. You’ve probably never heard of it. Just south of Tel Aviv.”
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I Was Lied To At Summer Camp About Israel: That Nerd Jake DIDN’T Have A Girlfriend There “Sh-she’s from, she’s from, uh, Rishon LeTziyon. You’ve probably never heard of it. Just south of Tel Aviv.”
Violence Against Us Only Steels Our Resolve, But We Expect Israel To Be Cowed By Violence by Soubhi Al-Amad, Palestinian fighter
If We Let Palestinians Hijack Our Cause, Maybe It Will Get Some Attention We must do something to demonstrate our worth to the Palestinian cause, such as harassing Jews.
Our Lame Response To Zionist Aggression Will Come At A Time And Place Of Our Choosing by Palestinian Islamic Jihad
Demonizing ‘Zionists’ Allows Me To Engage In Classic Religious Behavior While Pretending Atheism by Alex Dewitt, BDS Activist
OK So Maybe I Exaggerated Our ‘War Of Extermination’ Prowess A Little By Azzam Pasha, Secretary-General, Arab League 1945-1952
I Pay The Best Bail By Donald J. Trump, former President of the United States New York, April 10 – It’s been five days since my arraignment, and let me just say – that was the greatest arraignment in the history of arraignments. My indictment is better than any indictment in the history of New York, and probably of the …
[Insert Progressive Issue] Is A Jewish Value by Rabbi Jill Jacobs, Truah – The Rabbinic Call for Human Rights New York, March 29 – Democracy. Feminism. Marriage equality. #ItsHerTurn. Mandated pronouns. Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. Critical Race Theory. Collective reparations. Drag Queen Story Hours. Free Palestine. Net Zero. Defund the Police. Sanctuary Cities. The list goes on of the pillars of the …
Why Won’t The Jews Buy All This Blood I’ve Collected? By Count Dracula Transylvania, March 20 – Passover it just over two weeks away. Those who observe it should be busy preparing their unleavened flatbread. But not a single one has responded to my ad announcing the availability of copious human blood that everyone knows they need in order to make that bread. What gives? …
Palestine Is *The* Issue Of Gravest Concern For Michigan By Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) Dearborn, March 9 – Here in the Twelfth Congressional District, we have our work cut out for us. This once-prospering, working-class area of Detroit used to boast manufacturing jobs that put the American dream within reach; now, decades after the irreversible decline of the American automotive industry in the state, …
Zionism Is Bad Because Nationalism Is Bad But Not Palestinian Nationalism Because Reasons By Ayama Dumfuq, campus Palestine activist New York, February 27 – To avoid accusations that we anti-Zionists hold antisemitic views, we are forced to claim that we oppose the Jewish State in principle not because we want to deny Jews sovereignty, which sounds an awful lot like antisemitism, but because we oppose all ethnonationalism, which has …
I Was Palestinian Like The Iroquois Were ‘New Yorkers’ by Jesus of Nazareth Jerusalem of the Heavens, February 16 – OK, this is a relatively new one. I’ve been called all manner of things, and I’ll be the first to acknowledge no all those things are consistent with “Son of God” and good connotations. But I’m especially irked by the recent effort – it’s …
We Call Jews ‘Settlers’ Not Because We Think It Justifies Killing Them, But Because *You* Do By Jibril Rajoub, Palestinian Official Ramallah, February 7 – Each time one of our heroic fighters guns down, stabs, runs over, blows up, or otherwise harms Jews, our official and unofficial propaganda machines rush to characterize the targets as “settlers,” occupiers of a land not theirs, and therefore deserving of violent death. It matters not …
Powerful Jewish Interests Kept Me From The Presidency Of This Synagogue By Kenneth Roth, former Director of Human Rights Watch New York, January 26 – It’s happened again. Just weeks after America’s premier educational and research institution bowed to pro-Israel donors and rescinded its offer to me of a position, now my local house of worship has acted in similarly corrupt fashion – it has submitted …
How Can I Make This About Palestine? by Patricia Elton, Thomas Alva Edison Elementary School Annual Bake Sale Chair Effington, January 18 – This February will mark my second time in a row coordinating our institution’s biggest fundraiser of the year, but the first time I will bring to bear the sensibilities that I have finally internalized after a thorough series of …
Please Complete This Palestinian Martyr Application Form Thank you for your devotion to this sacred cause. To help us direct your talents and preferences in the best way, please provide the information solicited in the following questionnaire. We will do our best to accommodate your preferences, but make no guarantees, so please answer the questions as accurately as you can. Happy dying! …
Human Rights Demand Migrants Must Stay In Israel, A Horrible Racist Country by Balila Haki, Btselem activist Tel Aviv, December 29 – I do not know how to make my organization’s position on this matter any clearer. Our assertion, born of dedication to moral sensitivity and global awareness, is and remains that people who have traversed much of East Africa to reach Israel, a country so profoundly …
That War Could’ve Been An Email by King Hussein of Jordan Amman, December 20 – OK, I’ll say it: our efforts were not entirely an exercise in futility, but they were a massive waste of resources, time, and manpower to accomplish next to nothing. In other words, that six-day war could have been an e-mail. Oh, stop it. I know e-mail …
I Get To Reclaim My Ancestors’ Home Because They Sided With A Failed Genocide by Issa Awad, Palestine Refugee Tulkarm, December 8 – The morality of the situation is clear: my forebears fled Haifa in anticipation of Arab liberators slaughtering the Jews of the city and making ample plunder available, but when that didn’t happen, and the Jews actually won and took over the place, my great-grandparents set up …
You Zionists Are Trying To Kidnap What We Arabs Have Rightfully Stolen by Vizzini Florin, November 30 – So. It is down to you – and it is down to me. There will be no negotiation. And you’re killing the Zionist project. There’s nothing to explain. You Zionists are trying to kidnap what we Arabs have rightfully stolen. You could have gone anywhere. Uganda. The Americas. Madagascar. …
Iranian Women Should Shut Up And Take It by Linda Sarsour New York, November 21 – Bad-faith critics have seized on my understated response to events in the Islamic Republic in the last month-plus, depicting my alleged silence in the face of the unrest there as an endorsement of repression of women. I am here to set the record straight, regardless of my …
As A Self-Righteous Narcissist, I Expected Musk To Take My Threat To Leave Twitter More Seriously By Blue-Check Journalist Washington, November 10 – It’s been a couple of weeks since ownership of the bird app officially passed to the hands of the founder of Tesla and SpaceX. The more excitable among us swear they could see major changes as soon as he took the steering wheel; more sober voices understood that …
Its Cute How You Think I’d Give Up An Identity Forged As Opposition To Your Existence Just For Some Economic Gain by Fadi Shuhade, Palestinian activist Ramallah, November 2 – OMG you’re adorable. You seem to operate under the assumption that better access to jobs, a moderate improvement in standard of living, and some token territorial concessions will undo the sense of self I have cultivated that specifically seeks to supplant you and denies your right …
There Better Be Some Murderous Thugs Left To Empower When The Iran Regime Falls by Ben Rhodes, former White House adviser Washington, October 24 – The scenes from around the Islamic Republic over the last few weeks have generated the gamut of reactions: fear for the courageous women of the country; concern for regional stability; uncertainty over the future of the regime’s nuclear program; worry regarding the integrity and …
I Could Stop Seeing Sinister Zionist Plots Everywhere, But That Would Mean I Have To Get A Life by Amer Zahr Dearborn, Michigan – Life can get tough for the anti-Israel activist. But by “life” I mean only the biological, functional term, because between the obsession, surrender of identity, and conspiratorial thinking, not much time remains for a life in the “I am a healthy individual with constructive ways to spend my time …
What Is Russian Word For Nakba? by Vladimir Putin, President, Russian Federation Moscow, September 29 – Special Operation in Ukraine began February, but I will be first to admit it did not follow plan we had. Bombast and disinformatsiya had only part of desired effect, we failed in surprise assault on Kiev, and in months since, our military has failed in objective …
Quick, Find A New Alarmist Buzzword To Call Israel – ‘Apartheid’ Isn’t Working by Linda Sarsour New York, September 19 – I just returned from a solidarity visit to our Palestinian brethren under occupation, and I have both good news and bad news. The good news: our brothers and sisters facing the brutal colonialist policies of Zionism expressed as much resolve as ever when it comes to demanding historical …
I Feel Like My Kid’s ‘Happy Birthday Osama’ Banner Didn’t Go Over Well Today by Hamda al-Fadi, DMV clerk Brooklyn, September 11 – My son turned five today, and I thought we’d acknowledge his milestone by not just keeping the celebration within the walls of our apartment, but showing him we want to share the occasion with the whole neighborhood. That we’re so proud he’s ours! But things took a dark …
Please Don’t Confuse My Racism Of Low Expectations For Arabs With My Outright Hate For Jews by Jeremy Pine, BBC Middle East correspondent Jerusalem, August 31 – I feel like my audience makes certain erroneous assumptions about my prejudices, and will now attempt to clarify for you the biases that govern my reporting so that you can avoid misunderstanding my work: the fact that I consider Palestinians, for example, constitutionally incapable …
Hey, I Just Found Ancient Proof Of Palesti- Never Mind, This One’s Jewish Too by Dr. Hassan Barghouti, archaeologist Temple Mount, August 22 – Guys! Guys! Look at this! I got it! Here’s irrefutable evidence that this site was a Palestinian shrine way back during the late- oh. Huh. OK, forget that, guys! Forget it! False alarm! More Jewish stuff. As you were. By Allah, that’s like the fifth …
Having Someone To Blame Is Easier Than Actually Building Something by Every Single Palestinian Leader Ever Ramallah, August 11 – For more than a century, we Palestinians have fought the usurpation of our land. We have done nothing but fight that usurpation. And it shows. Robust national institutions? Nope. A functioning government? Nuh-uh. Genuine attempts to create a society that generates buy-in from its members and …
My Hobby Is Characterizing Israeli Defensive Weapons, Actions As Aggression by Yousef Munayyer, US Campaign for Palestinian Rights Washington, August 2 – We’ve all heard the claims: Israel’s Iron Dome missile system poses a dire threat to Palestinian safety. A minority of people hear the statement and find it absurd, because how could a system that intercepts incoming rockets threaten anyone? But most people lack …
Millions Of Happy Arab-Israelis Are A Token Minority, But The Antizionist 5% Of US Jews Are The Authentic Ones By Rafael Shimunov, Jews For Racial and Economic Justice Brooklyn, July 21 – The familiar, cynical tactic of taking an unrepresentative slice of a group and holding them up as representative of the larger demographic features in the hasbara efforts of Zionist propagandists. They would have you believe that most of the non-Jewish population of Israel, …
I Like That We Palestinians Treat Sacrificing Our Children To Expiate Our Ancestors’ Shame As Totally Normal by Fadi al-Masri, Local Hamas Committee Director Gaza City, July 13 – I love many things about our culture: the dance, the food, the Islamic art, the Gaza-specific maritime vibe, the desert that suffuses the Bedouin element of our identity. Most of all, however, I confess that above even those I place our dedication to …
I’m So Angry At SCOTUS I’ve Had Six Abortions In The Last Week Just To Show Them By Shea McKinnon, LGBTQIA2+-, BIPOC-, Latinx-, and persons-with-a-uterus Ally New York, July 4 – Each year on this date the pain compounds, as people of conscience everywhere bemoan the establishment of the worst society in history, with the possible exception of the Zionist one. Two Fridays ago the justice of this attitude once again became manifest …
Joel Would Be Greatly Disappointed By The Quality Of Food At His Shiva by Jerry Lefkowitz Forest Hills, June 23 – Oh, Saul, I assume you heard about Joel? Yeah, poor Frieda and the girl are devastated. I just came from paying a condolence call there, and I have to say, Joel would be greatly disappointed by the quality of food at his Shiva. You know it’s true! …
We Don’t Specifically *Want* To Genocide Jews From Palestine – We Just Want Nobody To Interfere If We *Do* By Marwan Shibli, Palestinian activist Gaza City, June 19 – Too much misunderstanding and willful distortion of the Palestinian position pervade the rhetoric surrounding the issue, to the point that many people wrongly assume we aim to kill every Jew between the River and the Sea, along with whoever gets in the way. In fact we …
Jewish Separation Of Meat/Dairy Proves Israel Is Apartheid by Agnès Callamard, Amnesty International Director-General London, May 24 – An increasing number of international organizations have concluded that Israel’s unequal treatment of Palestinians under its jurisdiction qualifies as the same race-based system of oppression that characterized South Africa for so many decades and led that country to ostracism from the community of civilized nations. …
by Stanislaw Kaczynski Warsaw, May 12 – Listen, I know some influential folks are up in arms about one group taking elements of another group’s cultural heritage and either commodifying them or integrating them into their own, and I get the outrage, but y’all can calm down with any accusations that Jews stole Eastern European cuisine …
Your Attack Killed Only Non-Jews, For Which The Lifetime Pension Is Lower by Muhammad Shtinqr, Acting Secretary, Prisoner Pension Payment Commissioner Ramallah, May 3 To: Mr. Fasil Fattehd Ofer Prison We are in receipt of your letter of complaint dated 22 April in which you objected to the stipend you will receive for your efforts to liberate Palestine by ramming into random Israelis with your vehicle, with …
Sorry, I’m Still Working On My Op-Ed Arguing Selling Chametz To Non-Jews Is Exploitative By Peter Beinart To: Dean Baquet, Executive Editor, NY times I must offer my apologies, Dean. I know that a week or two ago we agreed that I would supply an opinion article for the Times exploring the myriad ways in which the Jewish practice of arranging for someone outside the faith to purchase leavened-grain …
Better Candy For Celebrating Jewish Deaths Was Available In Gaza Before The Siege By Jaswan Qiljous Khan Younis, April 12 – You don’t hear it often, but many of the older generation here speak with nostalgia for the time before 2005 when Israel removed all its soldiers and settlers from this territory. The authorities frown on such an attitude, of course; therefore only the boldest of the speakers …
My Supreme Leader, We Can Attack The US And Biden Will Still Cave To All Our Demands by Ali Mossadegh, advisor to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei Tehran, Mach 31- Your Holiness, I must express my admiration for your wisdom and insight regarding the Great Satan and the naivety of their political leadership. Not only did you tell us not to compromise, but to harden our demands and even extend them; you predicted that we …
I Cite Heinous Strawmen To Discredit Zionism But Real Communism Has Never Been Tried by Nigel Chadwick, Momentum activist London, March 21 – Progressive movements such as ours face a challenge in drawing important distinctions between the causes we support and those that earn our opposition. That challenge, and the importance of the distinctions, increases when, to the unenlightened or obtuse observer, we appear to apply double standards. For …
Calling Facts We Don’t Like ‘Hasbara’ Isn’t Working by Abier Khatib, keyboard warrior and pro-Palestinian activist New York, March 10 – Folks, we have a problem: all that online engagement on Twitter and Instagram, promoting our narrative and debating against Zios has yet to produce the desired effect. We haven’t moved the needle in any noticeable way regarding American public opinion on Palestine. …
BDS Aside, What EU-Sponsored Causes Can We Pretend Are Grassroots Palestinian Initiatives? by Josep Borell, European Commission Foreign Policy Chair Brussels, March 2 – My favorite foreign policy fiction that everyone pretends true involves the underwriting, support, and guidance for projects that ostensibly grew out of organic, local efforts, when in fact they only came about because we decided they must, and allocated the necessary resources. This …
Debunking The Feeble Narrative On Which I’ve Constructed My National Identity Is Racist! Sexist? Transphobic? Help Me Out Here. By Hussein Abubakr, Palestinian activist Gaza City, February 21 – It’s tough to have one’s sense of self challenged. Most people’s reflexive reaction involves anger, perhaps a threat – or more than a threat – of violence, since a sense of self occupies psychological space on par with physical threats to one’s life. Sometimes, however, …
People Keep Seeing Through My Jew-Hate Disguised As Hate For Jewish Security By Marc Lamont Hill, activist Washington, February 10 – I’m a proud anti-racist, a fighter for social justice who seeks to uphold the rights and narrative of oppressed minorities. As such, I carry heightened sensitivity to accusations that I express, or even harbor, discriminatory attitudes. I must therefore dress up my animus toward Jews as opposition …
My Name Is Mahmoud, And I Like To Cosplay As Indigenous by Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization Ramallah, February 1 – Nice to meet you all! My name is Mahmoud, and my favorite pastime involves assuming the trappings of an ancient people with unique cultural ties to this land, when in fact the vast majority of my would-be nation …
I Forgot You Were Jewish When I Said I Support Your Self-Determination by Entirée Szyst, progressive activist London, January 20 – Oh, goodness, I’m so sorry. Your ancestry and heritage had totally slipped my mind a few minutes ago, and had I remembered, I’d not have mindlessly agreed that you and your people deserve to govern yourselves in your own land and not remain at the mercy of …
Let’s Make War Crime Accusations Now For The Next Gaza Conflict By Arafat Masri, Palestinian Human Rights activist Beit Hanoun, January 12 – No one knows what 2022 will bring. The uncertainty colors all of our decision-making, all the more so in the shadow of COVID-19 and continued high tensions in the region. I take all that into account when I recommend that rather than waiting …
This Firebomb Ain’t Gonna Throw Itself At Jewish Kids, You Know By Nashat Halawi, activist Somewhere in the hills near the Hizme checkpoint, January 3 – We have to get going, Ahmad. It’s almost time for those school buses to pass by on the road down the hill, and we have resistance to maintain. These firebombs ain’t gonna throw themselves at those Jewish kids. I know …
The True Meaning Of Christmas Is To Make It About Palestinians The true meaning of Christmas is not to look too carefully at the facile analogies of Palestine activists. Bethlehem, December 23 – Most of the Christian world heads into the Festival of the Nativity this weekend. We residents of the city where Christ was born, Christian and non-Christian alike, relish this opportunity to remind everyone …
The Lack Of Explicit International Law OKing Attacks On Jews Anywhere Is Just A Technicality By Mohammed El-Kurd, activist Jerusalem, December 14 – People under foreign occupation have a right to resist that occupation, and, as pro-Palestinian apologists have long argued, that right extends to “by any means,” a phrase that my people have always interpreted to include attacks on any any and all Jews, who to us are symbols …
By My Calculations, We Only Need To Sacrifice Three Hundred More Children And Palestine Will Be Free by Itbah al-Yahud, PhD candidate, Al-Quds University Abu-Dis, December 3 – Sir, I’ve come close to finishing these equations, and I’ve some exciting news: it looks like we only need to throw a few hundred more children into battle against the Zionist enemy, and Palestine will be restored to its legendary glory when Jews were an …
Glad To See Progressives Adopt My ‘The Tiniest Flaw Renders You Irredeemably Evil’ Ethos by The Serpent Garden of Eden, November 24 – The removal of the Thomas Jefferson statue from New York City’s City Hall filled me with a sense of accomplishment I haven’t felt in a long, long time. It resonated with me in a way that other events, even more “momentous” ones, have failed to do. …
If You Don’t Let Us Keep Our Land Free Of Jews, You’re Racist By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority (State of Palestine) Ramallah, November 15 – My predecessor Yasser Arafat and I, along with numerous prominent Palestinians, have long proclaimed we will compromise on none of the rights that other peoples enjoy, and that any attempt to curtail those rights smacks of anti-Palestinian, anti-Arab bias. Those rights …
We Must Blame Religious Zionists For Rabin’s Assassination To Prevent Division And Hate By Ofir Tzfonbon Tel Aviv, November 4 – Few moments in Israel’s history carry more power or trauma than does the murder of its prime minister in 1995; none others underscore the need to address the polarization of the country’s polity, which can only happen if we paint those who share some peripheral characteristics of …
Making Me Share A Room With My Sister Is Settler Colonialism By Hallel Schusterman, age 16 Your parenting violates the Fourth Geneva Convention. There, I’ve said it. This is my room. It’s been my room as long as I can remember. I forged my identity in this room, became who I am today in this room. You can’t forcibly transfer my sister into my territory that …
Rejecting My Jewish Heritage In The Face Of Antisemitism Will Work *This* Time by Simone Sheodlo-Higanu New York, October 14 – An aphorism attributed (wrongly) to Albert Einstein characterizes insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. With all due respect to the professor, I believe my current course will defy that pattern: unlike all the efforts of my ancestors who sought …