Showing 361–420 of 596 articles · Page 7 of 10
6-Year-Old: Family Leadership Ignores Threat Of Monsters Under Bed “How many children have to be eaten alive by these creatures before they take it seriously?” Kiryat Motzkin, April 19 – Local first-grader Itai Zehavi had harsh words this morning for the heads of the household he inhabits, accusing them of ignoring or downplaying the seriousness of the danger from monsters under his bed. Zehavi, …
Police Bust Plot To Hold Afikoman For Ransom Incidents of this nature occasionally mar the Passover proceedings, and that the police department took steps this year to forestall recurrences. Beersheva, April 10 – Law enforcement authorities announced today that they have arrested several juveniles who, they allege, planned to take surreptitious possession of a ritual piece of unleavened bread and demand exorbitant items, …
New ‘BDS Tour’ Of Israel Allows Travelers To Boycott From Up Close “With Woke Tours, there is no need to sacrifice the world-famous cuisine, culture and beaches of Tel Aviv – a center of LGBTQ life – just because one wants to make a political statement.” Tel Aviv, April 3 – A developing trend of socially aware international travel has tourism companies offering packages that cater to …
Egged Driver Embarks On Mission To Eliminate Following Distance The driver moved to close the gap as quickly as possible, lest, one must assume, a surfeit of air wreak untold havoc on everything in the vicinity. Jerusalem, March 30 – The operator of a local bus covering the Givat Ram-Ramat Rachel route has taken it upon himself to prevent the formation of following distance …
Goebbels Doesn’t Know Whether To Be Flattered Or Repulsed By Haaretz Column Offer Publisher Amos Schocken made the offer in person, according to Haaretz. Berlin, March 26 – Nazi propaganda chief Josef Goebbels voiced conflicting emotions today over an invitation from the Israeli newspaper Haaretz to write a weekly op-ed article for them. The manipulation mastermind of Adolph Hitler’s party and government confessed to being both flattered at the …
Leaders Call Efforts To Reduce Fatal Crashes In Arab Sector ‘Cultural Imperialism’ NGOs also characterized the programs as impinging on the community’s identity as victim by implying that Arabs might possess volition, a notion that strikes at the very heart of modern Arab identity. Tayibe, March 22 – Prominent figures in Israel’s Arab community are decrying initiatives to cut traffic fatalities among its members, deeming such programs a …
Study: Vaccines Implicated In Not Dying From Horrible, Preventable Diseases Because of the widespread use of vaccines, most children will never know what it’s like to die from diphtheria. Jerusalem, March 17 – Researchers at Hadassah University Hospital have published the shocking results of a study they conducted that links the use of vaccines with people not succumbing to disfiguring, painful, and fatal viral infections. …
Proctologists Find Heads Of Remaining Two-State Solution Advocates “The ears are located in the head, and the location of that cranium within the anus would effectively block the patient from hearing the dehumanization and delegitimization of Jewish sovereignty so prevalent in Palestinian media.” Haifa, March 13 – Diagnosticians in proctology at Rambam Hospital have located the heads of people who still believe the …
New Regulations Mandate Horns As Loud On Inside Of Car As Outside Automotive repair and installation establishments have been issued guidelines for calibrating existing horn systems to adapt them to the new requirements. Tel Aviv, March 8 – Automotive regulations scheduled to go into effect on the first of April will require that the volume of car horns in the interior of the car be of comparable …
Smashed Mt. Of Olives Tombstones Getting In Way Of Haaretz Dancing On Graves “We remain very strict about confining harm to people who are religious Jews, the political right, IDF soldiers, police, and any positive sense of Jewishness. But we draw the line at letting our people come to harm.” Jerusalem, March 1 – Vandalism at this holy city’s oldest active Jewish cemetery has impeded the customary dancing …
Census Puts Jerusalem At 870,000 People, 1,000,000 Hair Salons Hair salon growth has spiked in the last twenty years, overtaking the population at around the turn of the millennium. Jerusalem, February 27 – Israel’s Central Bureau of Statistics released new data on the population of the country’s capital and largest city today, placing the population at over 800,000 and the number of hair styling …
Criminals Threaten To Go On Strike If Demands Not Met Experts cast doubt on the strike’s potential impact. Natanya, February 23 – Representatives of crime syndicates and individual criminals announced today that if the State does not meet their demands for better working conditions, they will refuse to commit the crimes they are expected to perpetrate. Drug kingpins, killers for hire, weapons dealers, pickpockets, rapists, …
Reporters Trying To Come Up With Occupation-Ammonia Hazards Link Potential hazards of ammonia lack the visceral resonance with the reader that stories containing allegations of direct abuse are capable of generating. Haifa Bay, February 19 – Journalists and news agencies covering the Israeli domestic scene have struggled in recent weeks to come up with a direct relationship between the public outcry over the dangers …
Tax Authority Worried That Somewhere, Somehow, Israelis Still Have Enough To Live On At least three hundred such households can still afford to live and save for retirement. Jerusalem, February 14 – Officials at the Israel Tax Authority convened today to discuss disquieting reports that there still exist Israelis who have not had their income taxed enough to deprive them of economic security. Authority Commissioner Sarai Missim summoned …
Study Finds Correlation Between Kinneret Water Level And Hype Over Kinneret Water Level “We found an inverse relationship between the Kinneret level and news coverage of the Kinneret level.” Tiberias, February 9 – A groundbreaking study has found a close relationship between the measured depth of Lake Kinneret and the extent to which environmental organizations and the news media voice alarm over the lake’s water level. An article …
Jerusalem Man Unnerved At Discussion Of ‘Super Bowel’ “Trump not doing something about this? He can maybe build wall to keep people away from this?” Jerusalem, February 5 – A local resident expressed unease this afternoon in reaction to seeing repeated references in print and online media to an event this evening that he believes is called the “Super Bowel,” witnesses are reporting. …
“‘Eggs. Bread. White cheese. Onions.’ He didn’t have to put the items in that order, but he chose that order. Why?” Jerusalem, February 1 – An accidental discovery of immense historical and literary value took place this week at the National Library of Israel when a clerk found an original manuscript of a shopping list …
Israel Marks Smugly-Note-Others’-Non-Observance-Of-Holocaust-Remembrance-Day Day Social media sites have been the context for the vast majority of Smugly-Note-Others’-Non-Observance-Of-International-Holocaust-Remembrance-Day Day. Tel Aviv, January 27 – International Holocaust Memorial Day occurs today, on the anniversary of the Red Army’s liberation of Auschwitz, or, as it is observed in Israel, Smugly-Note-Others’-Non-Observance-Of-International-Holocaust-Remembrance-Day Day. As observed locally, the annual ritual provides an occasion for politicians, feuding neighbors, …
Scarecrow’s Brain, Tin Man’s Heart Harvested From Palestinians As evidence, the commission pointed to statements in Palestinian media to the effect that innocent Palestinians are routinely kidnapped and murdered by Israel. Emerald City, January 23 – An investigative commission has found that the transplanted organs given to two prominent citizens of Oz were illicitly removed from Palestinian patients by Israeli occupation forces. A …
Public Health Officials Warn Not To Read Online Comments Online comments account for an increasing share of mental health incidents, according to Central Bureau of Statistics data. Jerusalem, January 18 – Heads of various healthcare organizations and public health administrators called on Israelis today not to endanger themselves through exposure to comments on web-based articles or videos. High-ranking officials at the Ministry of Health, …
Roger Waters Announces Concerts In Tel Aviv, Jerusalem No plans have been made for protests or internet campaigns urging Waters not to perform in Israel. New York, January 11 – Former Pink Floyd frontman and boycott-Israel advocate Roger Waters announced today that he will perform a series of concerts in Israel this summer, in both the cultural capital of Tel Aviv and the political …
Minister Of Transport Mulls Revoking License Of Truck Terrorist Other possible measures under consideration include financial penalties for drivers who commit more than two vehicular homicides per year. Jerusalem, January 9 – Israeli Minister of Transportation Yisrael Katz is considering a unilateral move to cancel the driver’s license of the man who killed 4 and injured 15 in an automotive terrorist attack yesterday, sources …
Real Estate Agent Sees You Think Trump Will Move Embassy; Has Bridge To Sell You “I’m telling you, this is the deal of a lifetime, and I’m offering it to you.” Jerusalem, January 5 – A property agent who has noticed you believe President-elect Donald Trump will make good on his campaign promise to transfer the US Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem suddenly has a deal for you on …
Plastic Bag Law Takes Effect; Environment Saved Forever Politicians can now move on to other important matters, such as whether or not the prime minster ordering a suit from a tailor means he is detached from the people. Jerusalem, January 1 – As of today, Israeli supermarkets will be required by law to charge customers 10 agorot for each plastic bag they use …
Famous People Have Died 50% Of Days Local Dad Has Given Hanukkah Gifts Avrahami, a plumbing contractor, admitted feeling torn, as he has been planning a buildup over the eight-day holiday toward an impressive finale on the last night. Gan Yavne, December 27 – Area father of 3 Ron Avrahami voiced apprehension today regarding a possible link between his Hanukkah gift-giving and a spate of celebrity deaths, local …
SHOCKER: Scientists Find Non-Synthetic Compounds In Sufganiya ‘Jelly’ The public health ramifications of the study, if confirmed by subsequent research, are yet unknown. Rehovot, December 22 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have discovered what are apparently actual non-artificial substances in the standard filling used for traditional Hanukkah pastries. A team of scientists studying the sufganiya, as it is known in …
Judah Relieved Tamar Episode Won’t Be Taught In Day Schools Tamar was unavailable for comment; a member of the household chastised reporters for disturbing her recovery from a difficult birth of twins. Adullam, Canaan, December 18 – Jacob’s fourth son and a leader of the emerging people of Israel expressed the alleviation of some stress today at the realization that when Jewish schoolchildren study their …
Swedish Minister Urges Jacob To See Rape Of Dina As Cultural Misunderstanding The societal norm in Shechem is to kidnap, imprison, and rape girls whom one desires. Stockholm, December 14 – Sweden’s Minister of Foreign Affairs Margot Wallström suggested to Hebrew patriarch Jacob today that he and his family alter their perspective on the violation of his daughter Dina by a local Canaanite prince, and view the …
Dinner Table Hardliner Declares ‘Death To Broccoli’ She contends creamed corn was displaced by the broccoli and is the rightful occupant of the left side of the plate. Givatayim, December 8 – Harari family members remained divided today over how to handle the extremist positions of dinner participant Shira, who denies the legitimacy of tonight’s vegetable side dish, and calls for its destruction. …
Man Has Local Shop Make Pro-BDS Shirts To Sell At Guns ‘N’ Roses Tel Aviv Concert “Admit it, you’re jealous you didn’t think of this yourself first.” Yarkon Park, December 5 – Axl Rose and his bandmates will perform here in seven months, but one area entrepreneur already sees an economic niche that the scheduled concert has opened today: selling fans and concert attendees some locally-sourced T-shirts to protest the ensemble’s …
Habima Theater In Uproar Over Non-Anti-Zionist Work Nowhere in the dialogue, setting, or characterization of the play can one find clear condemnation of Jewish sovereignty in the ancient Jewish homeland. Tel Aviv, November 30 – Israel’s leading drama company found itself in the midst of cultural controversy this week after it announced that it is preparing a production of a play in …
Stupid ‘Muezzin Law’ Says Nothing About Your Goddamn Neighbor’s Alarm Clock May-Aynei lays partial blame at the feet of the legislators themselves, who tend to live in more spacious accommodations and hear less of the goings-on in neighbors’ homes. Rosh HaAyin, November 23 – Examination of recent legislation to limit the amplification on the Muslim call to prayer during early morning hours has revealed that nowhere …
Dead Sea Scroll Fragments Just Boy Practicing Forging Mom’s Signature It remains unknown whether the boy ever succeeded in his quest. Qumran, Judean Desert, November 21 – Scholars exploring the remaining pieces of ancient parchment not included in the formal collection of writings known as the Dead Sea Scrolls have determined that a large number of the pieces can be traced to a single schoolchild …
Guy Also Named ‘Lot’ Tired Of Redirecting Lynch Mob To Other Lot’s House “Why these people can’t keep their information straight, I don’t know, but I’m about ready to burn down the whole city just to get some rest at this point.” Sodom, April 15 – A man who shares a name with a suddenly unpopular co-resident of this city has grown annoyed with the constant need to …
Israeli Scientists Now Just Trolling BDS With Breakthroughs Lancet specifically cited recent breakthroughs in AIDS research, cancer treatment, and Alzheimer prevention. Rechovot, November 13 – A representative of Israeli research institutions and personalities admitted that the main factor behind a string of recent scientific and technological advances emanating from those entities has been less a drive for the improvement of human life and …
US Election Campaign Almost Over, Israelis Prepare To Watch TV Again “I’m looking forward to checking Twitter again,” confessed Dahlia, who has been living in her apartment’s sealed room since the beginning of August. Haifa, November 8 – Israelis are looking forward to Wednesday and Thursday of this week, when the American presidential election results are known and the initial furor surrounding the outcome has subsided, …
Israel 1st In OECD Ranking Of Obsession With OECD Rankings The OCD with the OECD outpaced countries that typically top the charts in all the other OECD measures. Paris, November 3 – The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development has released its annual report on each member state’s level of dysfunctional attention to the organization’s ranking of each member state’s economic development indicators, and Israel …
Scholars: Haaretz ‘Likely A Forgery;’ ‘Utter Crap’ The team remains unsure what the motive might be for the elaborate hoax, since economic reward has not been associated with Haaretz for years. Tel Aviv, October 30 – Researchers at Tel Aviv University have determined that the daily publication called Haaretz is almost certainly not the product of its purported authors, but an amateurish …
Ancient Palestinians Tired Of Zionist Time-Travelers Planting Jewish Evidence Palestinians remain loath to approach the authorities about the phenomenon; they fear their claims will be dismissed as nonsensical. Bet Shemesh, October 26 – Palestinian farmers of the tenth century Before the Common Era have grown weary of Zionist conspirators from the distant future appearing and planting evidence of ancient Jewish civilization, local representatives reported …
Kids Excited To Move Fights From House To Sukkah The children, ages two through fifteen, did not break stride as they transitioned from fighting over the presence of unwanted siblings in their bedrooms to fighting over whose turn it is to use the red sleeping bag. Jerusalem, October 18 – Two days into Sukkot, the feast of booths, the six children of the Livni …
Trump Objectifies Women, Says Paper With Semi-Nudes On Front Page The reality TV personality apologized for his remarks and the hurt they caused, whereas the Yediot Aharonot editorial board has yet to exhibit the necessary self-awareness. Tel Aviv, October 9 – Israel’s second-most-popular daily reported today on Donald Trump’s recorded remarks referring crudely to his daughter, and women generally, as sex objects, alongside promotional excerpts …
Single Man Bewildered By Lack Of Yom Kippur Lunch Invitations “I hope this isn’t personal.” Jerusalem, October 6 – A local resident who customarily accepts the hospitality of various families in the neighborhood for Sabbath and festival meals voiced confusion today over the disappearance of such willing hosts for the Day of Atonement this Wednesday. Asher Korn, 48, has availed himself of numerous invitations for …
Study Fails To Find Anyone Who Actually Likes Honey Cake “Some people just won’t depart from tradition no matter how mediocre – or just plain awful, in the case of my mother-in-law – the traditional dishes might taste.” Tel Aviv, October 2 – A comprehensive research project covering one of the preeminent traditional foods eaten in honor of the Jewish New Year has determined that …
King David Hotel Making Sure Only To Send Male Staff To Bill Clinton’s Suite “It wouldn’t do to have this historic, reputable institution get its name soiled in association with any scandal.” Jerusalem, September 29 – The management of the hotel where former US President Bill Clinton is staying in order to attend Shimon Peres’s funeral tomorrow is seeking to avoid trouble, and has therefore decided not to use …
Migrating Birds Reject BDS, Fly Over Israel One of the challenges to avian BDS would be identifying and selecting an alternative migration route that suits the ecological needs of the birds. Hula Valley, September 25 – Advocates for the economic, cultural, and political isolation of Israel expressed frustration today that millions of birds continue to migrate over the Jewish State on their …
Language Academy Sees No Use For “Customer Always Right” In Hebrew As a technical matter the sentence can be translated in a literal fashion, but the result in Hebrew, though grammatically correct, would be nonsense. Jerusalem, September 20 – The Academy for the Hebrew Language voted this week to eliminate from its collection of English phrases still in need of a Hebrew equivalent an entry that …
Empty Storefront Actually Museum Of Indigenous Palestinian Arab Culture The facility gets few visitors, as it has a limited budget to advertise its activities, and that traffic is mostly walk-ins looking for a bathroom. Jerusalem, September 15 – Passersby and workers in the downtown area of Israel’s capital have occasionally wondered about the establishment on Jaffa Road that has a perpetually empty display window …
Tel Aviv Olympic Bid Prospects Put Foes In Bind Competing against Israel or Israeli athletes is taboo, lest doing so grant legitimacy to the Jewish State. Algiers, September 14 – Sports officials in Arab and Muslim countries hostile to Israel voiced consternation today at the possibility that the International Olympic Committee might designate Tel Aviv as the venue for the 2028 Summer Games. IOC …
BBC Looking For More Negative Angle On Israel’s Treatment Of Wounded Syrians “It has to be just credible enough – we do have some journalistic standards,” explained Ann T. Semitt of the Jerusalem bureau. Safed, September 7 – The British Broadcasting Corporation is holding off on production of a segment on injured Syrian civilians receiving medical treatment in Israeli hospitals until a sufficiently dark portrayal of the …
Student’s Intransigence Class Conflicts With Dehumanization Of Jews Principal Aiwil Qillem was unavailable for comment. Khan Yunis, September 5 – A week into the academic year, a sophomore at the local UNRWA secondary school has discovered that two of his courses in raising the next generation of terrorists and antisemites are scheduled to take place at the same time, putting him in a …
Media Demand Triple Wages For Serving As Judge, Jury, Executioner “We are performing three valuable roles, and should therefore receive three times the payment.” Tel Aviv, September 1 – Israeli and foreign journalists issued coordinated statements today asserting that their constant performance of the duties of judge, jury, and executioner regarding political and military figures requires that they be compensated commensurate with their fulfillment of those …
Ax Murderer Can’t Get Into Ax Murderer Club Without Protektzia The need for “vitamin P,” as it is sometimes called, pervades almost every aspect of life in Israel, including leisure activities. Holon, August 25 – A serial killer who specializes in murdering his victims using wood-chopping implements complained today that the local ax murderers’ association refuses to admit him without the recommendation of at least two …
Haaretz Writer Suffers Hernia Refraining From Using Nazi Analogies Julius Streicher, a columnist for Haaretz, checked into Ichilov Hospital in Tel Aviv this morning. Tel Aviv, August 21 – A reporter for Israel’s only broadsheet daily newspaper underwent surgery today to repair a hernia that occurred as a result of straining not to use Israel’s Olympic achievements as evidence the country has become a latter-day …
Israeli Teachers Find 2016-17 Curriculum Has No Anti-Arab Incitement “This goes against everything I’ve been taught by The Guardian and Haaretz.” Raanana, August 17 – Public school teachers in Israel preparing for the 2016-2017 school year have discovered that the neither the Ministry of Education nor local governments have included anti-Arab incitement in the curriculum, a teachers’ union representative said today. Primary and secondary educators …
Man’s Itinerary To Avoid Panhandlers Foiled By Police Incident “He’s kicking himself because he knows he could have prevented this situation by better situational awareness.” Jerusalem, August 11 – A resident of Israel’s capital had his sophisticated plan to encounter no beggars on his morning trip to work met with failure today after police closed off a major artery through the center of the …
JNF Shifts To Planting Only Gharqad Trees “We intend to have over five million in place by 2030.” Jerusalem Forest, August 8 – In what organization executives are calling a strategic move aimed at enhancing both the ecology and defense of the country, the Jewish National Fund will phase out the planting of trees that are not of the gharqad variety, and …
‘Boycotting 101’ Prof Forced To Pass Student Who Boycotted Course Professor Failim devoted extensive attention to the BDS movement and encouraged her students to support it. Tel Aviv, August 3 – A Tel Aviv University faculty member who gave a failing grade to a student who boycotted his course on how to conduct a political boycott was forced to revise the mark in favor of …
Israeli Entrepreneurs Increase Export Sales Of Blinders To EU, US “Our chief competition is the shovel industry.” Hertzliya, July 26 – Israeli manufacturers of devices meant to restrict the vision of the wearer have noticed a marked uptick in sales of their products to countries recently experiencing increased terrorist attacks by Islamists, an industry representative said today. E-Ver Enterprises, a trade group, said that since …
Amid Software Failure, Haaretz Must Manually Generate Anti-Israel Headlines “All I can say is we’re working on it,” said a worried Amos Schocken, the paper’s publisher. Tel Aviv, July 25 – Two days into a malfunction of one of the publication’s most intensively-used applications, the organization’s staff has been forced to perform the work the software would otherwise do: create headlines that extract from their …
Vegan Groups Denounce McDonald’s Ads As Incitement To Murder “Have your Bic Mac with a side – with a side of genocide!” Tel Aviv, July 21 – Advocates for a ban on the consumption of animal flesh criticized the fast-food chain McDonald’s today for encouraging its customers to promote the killing of innocents, and called on law enforcement to arrest and prosecute the executives …