Israel

Tel Aviv, Israel’s answer to the seedier parts of Queens. Jerusalem, December 23 – Festivities surrounding the inauguration last night of a non-stop rail line between the country’s capital and its largest city on the coastal plain left a sour taste in many mouths, participants reported, owing to the unpleasant reality that the line terminates …

Use of cheap, probably toxic or radioactive, alternatives to genuine food ingredients in Israel dates back to economic constraints of the state’s formative years. Jerusalem, December 12 – Patrons of a local confectionery and pastry establishment watched an employee of the business today with disgust and shock as he injected a repulsive, sugary, colored paste …

“Back when the Spies thwarted a quick entry into Canaan we thought we had hit a speed bump, but the timing of this fiasco could have even more inconvenient implications.” Plains of Moab, December 3 – Repeated praise of Canaan as flowing with nourishing, sweet products now faces an uncertain future after the cooperative that …

Sitting, marching, holding signs, and chanting at others about society’s imminent collapse. Tel Aviv, November 21 – An activist worried that human-driven climate change will doom civilization and disrupt the planet’s fragile ecosystems within twelve years has found a kindred spirit in a homeless man who spends much of his time pacing back and forth …

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” muttered the dazed father. “Really? Really? The fugly curtains? Good grief.” Sderot, November 13 – A Palestinian Islamic Jihad missile that hit a house in this southern Israeli hamlet obliterated all the furniture and furnishings in the home’s ground-floor salon except the repulsive window treatments, disappointed residents reported Wednesday. The aftermath …

“I know I would think twice if I had to face restrictive consequences when I did something wrong again and again. We should really do something like that.” Jerusalem, November 4 – A local gradeschooler who has lost privileges again and again for violating specific household rules asked his parents today whether the government has …

He arrived at his conscious ideological position after years of implementing it in practice. Jerusalem, October 24 – A resident with a propensity for lateness insisted today that his habitual tardiness represents a philosophical position that specifically differs from the punctuality of the culture that gave rise to the Holocaust, and not, as uninformed observer …

“Oh, she so wants me,” one witness heard Mr. Pitzek remark for approximately the four hundredth time after passing the receptionist. Tel Aviv, September 26 – An employee at a local firm possesses the uncanny ability to understand each movement, sound, phrase, or facial expression by any female with whom he interacts – and some …

“Sign language rubs in the faces of the visually impaired that they count less because no one has taken the time to make them feel included.” Tel Aviv, September 17 – Advocates for the rights of the visually-impaired criticized today the use of visual measures to aid the hard-of-hearing in understanding audiovisual media and events, …

He proceeded to call his children to inform them of the milestone, and to bask in the anticipated admiration they would no doubt display. Maale Adummim, September 5 – A resident of this town in the Judean Desert east of Jerusalem gushed with pride today upon mastering the task of setting his VHS machine in advance to …

The government remains peerless in the production, management, and delivery of stupidity. Jerusalem, August 28 – Concern has increased in recent months regarding illegal engagement in blockhead policy-making and decisions, officials acknowledged today, following the publication of a report yesterday indicating that despite regulations limiting the practice of such behavior to ministries and agencies of …

Official regulations guarantee every citizen a burial plot, but that right extends only to the bare provision of a place of interment; it does not guarantee any specific location, type of grave, or placement next to other deceased relatives. Jerusalem, August 19 – A local resident concerned with the steep price of real estate fears she will …

“The key is to pace yourself.” Jerusalem, August 8 – A local adolescent estimates he only has a day or two left before he reaches the goal he set in June for diminished mental capacity resulting from disuse of his cognitive faculties while school is out. Rafi Sugarman, 17, completed his junior year of high …

“It’s all mine. I tried to beat him up and got the crap kicked out of me, but that only proves he cheated. All four times. “ Ramat HaSharon, July 30 – A local ten-year-old voiced concern today that his fourteen-year-old sibling and roommate may have discovered the younger lad’s scheme to displace the teen entirely, …

Arab residents have tried to remedy the situation with bombs and incendiary devices to set alight as much farmland and nature as possible. Kibbutz Keturah, July 18 – The sacred Islamic land of Palestine has made clear its existential revulsion for Jews exercising sovereignty there over the last seven decades, demonstrating its disgust with the phenomenon via …

“Nothing but ancient fakes designed to hoodwink future archaeologists into believing Zionist propaganda.” Jerusalem, July 10 – Experts examining the evidence unearthed over the decades tying the Jewish people to the areas under current Israeli control note that such discoveries, rather than demonstrating ancient links between modern Jews and their homeland, instead indicate that even …

At no point in her prepared script did the caller apologize for the intrusion into what in most households represents one of the few stretches of quality family time. Jerusalem, June 27 – A representative of a not-for-profit organization that depends on the generosity of supporters rang your phone while you sat eating with your …

Witnesses noted that Bleeg has decried the injustice of every Harari policy that does not involve leaving. Ramat Gan, June 19 – Controversy continues to swirl around an apartment building in this middle-class Tel Aviv suburb, where one resident of the fifth floor has called for shunning, boycotting, dehumanizing, and expelling the inhabitants of the flat next …

“Just where the sweet spot is – finding that narrow zone of annoyance that makes it almost, but not quite, worth it to change the station or turn off the program.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – A survey of broadcast advertisements in member states of the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development found that the …

“The number of Jews in Germany under threat of attack by antisemites is tiny compared to the number of Jews in Israel facing antisemitic enemies.” North Tel Aviv, May 28 – A man striving to engineer the reduction or elimination of Judaism from public life in the Jewish State voiced frustration today that the Berlin …

“Something, anything to prevent the reader from getting the wrong idea that the Palestinian issue mustn’t dominate human consciousness.” Tel Aviv, May 19 – Tragedy struck the Middle East today when a careless reporter omitted the geopolitical context of an annual entertainment event, resulting in the violent killings of 300 in the ensuing riots. A …

Witnesses reported the presence of both grandmothers in the room at the time. Jerusalem, May 8 – The four-year-old child of a man and woman whose respective ancestries hail from different parts of eastern Europe, and whose grandmothers therefore bring different sensibilities to similarly-named and similarly-conceived dishes, has pronounced his paternal grandmother’s kuggel tastier this …

“Tel Aviv is a wonderful city – a great place to visit, you might say.” Jerusalem, April 29 – Prominent members of Israel’s cultural and political scenes urged their brethren living in one of the Mediterranean’s most thriving, luxurious cities to embrace a higher calling than their current abode encourages, by making Aliyah. Celebrities and …

Tradition dictates the use of blood from a murdered Christian child, but in recent decades Palestinian children of all varieties have all but taken their place, owing to plentiful supply. Jerusalem, April 10 – The expanding selection of top-flight culinary establishments in Israel’s capital city poses a quandary for a local homemaker, who is experiencing …

Many of the important discoveries or developments of that last several hundred years have ended up saving the lives of those who, because of their moronic behavior, would have died, had their boneheaded acts occurred earlier in history. Tel Aviv, April 3 – Scientists conducting comparative research into the relative intelligence of human beings have …

Otherwise, how will genocidal anti-Semites ever get a fair chance to take their case to the public? Tel Aviv, March 25 – Numerous voices on the left end of Israel’s political spectrum find themselves unable to penetrate into the mainstream, but the man behind Israel’s most prestigious daily intends to change that by taking those with …

Paying the electric bill isn’t as sexy as underwriting petitions to the High Court against Israel’s security measures. Jerusalem, March 14 – A member of the Resource Development Department at an influential philanthropic operation in Israel whose mission involves eroding Israel’s status as a Jewish state voiced frustration today as he made repeated unsuccessful attempts …

The ministry sees her an unable to function in her normal capacity with this inquiry hanging over her. Mazkeret Batya, March 5 – A local headmaster faces an ethics inquiry following revelations that the monthly publication put out by the student body offered praise for her policies, an occurrence that accusers claim constitutes bribery. A …

“The Israeli government has shown it’s willing to provide cash conduits to even the most heinous parties, so as far as this tactic is concerned, more power to Mr. Nussbaum,” stated Mrs. Nussbaum’s spokeswoman. Bnei Brak, February 20 – A local man has followed the lead of the Islamist group that controls the Gaza Strip, …

“I take back my apology for my tweets about AIPAC buying off member of congress,” stated Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN). Jerusalem, February 13 – Opponents of Jews seized an opportunity to denounce the demographic group following the accidental publication of a book that allegedly shows how Jews plan to control the world economy and manipulate governments, but …

“It’s like telling us we can’t eat junk food and then chowing down on a bowl of Doritos,” insisted the oldest, 12. Modiin, February 4 – Children of the man who oversees Israel’s clandestine projects to control temperature, winds, precipitation, and other meteorological phenomena around the world complained today that he forbids them to so …

A spammer who perform his paid work for both shady lenders and political campaigns confirmed that replying to texts with “Remove” as instructed if one wishes not to receive such solicitations in the future has the opposite effect. Kiryat Malachi, January 24 – The approach of national elections this April has many locals feeling excited …

“It’s a challenge, but we embrace this sort of challenge.” Jerusalem, January 15 – Owners and caretakers of canine pets in this city redoubled their efforts this week to cover the sidewalks in dog crap again after a series of winter storms cleared most of the fecal matter away. Heavy rains over the course of …

“My understanding has always been that ethical behavior was something you only demanded of others.” Tel Aviv, January 2 – Activists and media figures voiced bewilderment today following a display of real, verifiable moral fiber and character on the part of a person showcasing a public measure of care for the oppressed, social justice warriors are reporting. …

“It’s quite a departure from the Saint Nick of yore.” Nazareth, December 26 – Children from economically disadvantaged families compared their Christmas presents today to those of better-off friends and neighbors and came to the conclusion that Kris Kringle must dislike them. Youths whose parents struggle to make ends meet told reporters Wednesday that their …

“Disruptions of law and order occur in close connection with these vests, as events in Paris demonstrate.” Jerusalem, December 17 – Law enforcement personnel pummeled a man wearing the signature uniform of a violent anti-government protester this morning, only to discover after the fact that he had donned the garment for visibility purposes following the …

Mr. Ravui’s devotion to Jewish tradition includes a robust embrace of the culinary, with less emphasis on the moral dimension. Ramat HaSharon, December 6 – A local resident whose regular culinary habits consist of such dishes as falafel, kubbeh, French fries, sabih, chicken schnitzel, pancakes, and mozzarella sticks believes his cultural observance of the Jewish Festival of …

The results will surprise many people. Haifa, November 27 – A comprehensive examination of popular winter-holiday music has led scientists to conclude that despite a strong candidacy, the irritating qualities of Christian seasonal music fall short of those that its Jewish counterpart boasts, a new article says. Writing in the journal Yule, the authors from …

“Imagine how history would be different if there had been a social media campaign of this nature and power before the Second World War.” Kiryat Motzkin, November 14 – A resident of this Haifa suburb voiced confusion and frustration today following a period during which he replaced his typical social media avatar with the logo …

A friend filmed the episode from a distance. Ofer Prison, November 7 – A Palestinian whose attempt to kill an IDF trooper, and to use the excitement of the moment to ask his girlfriend to marry him, fell short of its objective when the soldier avoided the attack and disarmed him, depriving the man of …

“I thought I’d be more conspicuous,” she admitted. Jerusalem, October 24 – An American anti-Israel activist whose expulsion from the country was overturned by the High Court began her studies today at the Hebrew University, where her radical politics and opposition to Jewish sovereignty made her difficult to distinguish from the majority of lecturers on …

“We have a lot to learn from them in terms of structural and system integrity.” Jerusalem, October 16 – Rakkevet Yisrael, the government-owned corporation that runs the country’s rail network, announced today that following a malfunction in an underground passageway that rendered a passenger train from Tel Aviv immobile for several hours Monday, they would …

A campaign being run by a piece of actual, physiological crap is shaping up to be the cleanest Israel has ever seen. Jerusalem, October 4 – A cohesion of canine fecal matter sat so long on the pavement of Israel’s capital city that it has evolved a consciousness and communication skills, according to a spokesman, …

NIF leaders have scrambled to perform damage control amid the spread of the allegations. Jerusalem, August 2 – A leading organization in far-left Israeli politics and social change found itself the target of criticism from former allies as word spread that despite its progressive credentials, it has failed to integrate the most vulnerable and powerless …

“This is is just a foul situation.” Beer Sheva, July 24 – A user complained of an unpleasant odor emanating from his desktop today following an incident in which instead of installing the latest version of the Office suite of applications, he had the similar-sounding but differently-functioning Orifice suite by mistake. Colin P. Tabaat, 32, …

The chief concern among every single one crossing your path is how best to disrupt your movements and maximize your hassles. Ben Gurion Airport, July 17 – A survey of the hundreds of thousands of travelers passing through Israel’s largest international airport reveals that every single one scheduled their trip to coincide with yours and …

“Unless those quotas are met, parents will be confronted with the prospect of having usable space in their homes, and that would be a disaster.” Jerusalem, July 4 – A nursery school educator in the Nahalat Ahim neighborhood of the capital faces disciplinary action this week following a period in which she failed to send …

“What an insult to the consumer’s intelligence.” Nahariya, June 26 – Observers of the economy noted this week that an advertising agency appears to believe there exists some sort of inherent connection between the FIFA’s international championship tournament and a group of utility motor vehicles associated with agriculture, construction, hauling, and related fields. Weinstein-Shohat Ltd., …

“Oh, crap, she’s probably going to describe the spinners as ‘fleeky’ or something.” Carmiel, June 24 – A mother of three in this middle-class northern town will soon hit upon the idea that a gyroscope-like toy that peaked in popularity last year represents the trendiest product on the market for kids right now, and begin …

“We’re confident we can have everything ready for next year in plenty of time for the one in ten years.” Jerusalem, June 19 – Municipal officials in Israel’s capital boasted today that preparations for next year’s prestigious international song contest have begun, and if Israel in fact decides to hold the event in this city, …

“Judging from the selfish, entitled way Israelis act on airplanes, on the roads, in restaurants, and while waiting for anything, we realized Israelis are positively the last group to respond to initiatives of this sort.” Kibbutz Sde Eliyahu, June 11 – Israel’s Office of the Prime Minister and Ministry of Foreign Affairs released a video …

“It’s that nexus of sports and politics where the real greed, graft, extortion, and other dirt have to be well established for FIFA to even look your way, and unfortunately for us, we’re not at that level.” Ramat Gan, May 31 – Amid talk of Qatar’s possible forfeit of its bid to hold association football’s …

Without repeated mention of the same units as if they represent many different ones, the world will remain unable to characterize Israel’s settlement policy as “beholden to far-right settlement zealots.” Beit El, Binyamin Regional Council, May 23 – Housing starts in this community north of Jerusalem were put on hold this week following revelations that …

“We’re the people you want to get this kind of job done,” boasted chief Avi Nissenkorn. “We’ve been doing this for decades, and no one’s better at it.” Ashdod Port, May 15 – Years of questionable success at crippling Israel’s economic position and prosperity have led the leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions (BDS) movement …

“Sometimes this carwashing activity also features an application of polish, though that requires additional expense and time.” Tel Aviv, May 8 – Human rights and civil rights groups lambasted the Jewish state again this week, this time pointing to the country’s alleged attempt to distract from its treatment of Palestinians by engaging in having automobiles …

Flour, to the untrained eye, looks like other white powders, some of which can be dangerous, even deadly. Rosh HaAyin, May 2 – Counterterrorism agents, chemical and biological warfare experts converged on a two-story home in this sleepy Tel Aviv suburb this morning following a panicked call by a local father and husband that a …

“Redolent of the social criticism of Sartre.” Tel Aviv, April 25 – A pile of fresh human excrement in the corner of a gallery room displaying modern sculpture and paintings has sat untouched for six hours, witnesses report, as both visitors and the exhibit curators appear to believe it belongs on display with the objets …

“Only losers, if you’ll pardon my frankness, who can’t think for themselves must depend on the likes of Rogel Alpher for regular doses of self-loathing, pessimist weltschmerz, and can’t generate it on their own.” Tel Aviv, April 19 – The Jewish State celebrates its seventieth anniversary today, an occasion that the writers, editors, and publisher …

To make matters worse, continued Ms. Meir, in the interest of good customer relations she must conceal her frustration and annoyance. Rishon LeTzion, April 12 – A member of the floor staff at this furniture and housewares superstore has just about had it with men who think themselves clever and original when they flirt with …

The feat bests the previous record forty-eight hours, set in 2008, by a family in Skokie, Illinois. Jerusalem, April 4 – Officials from Guinness World Records confirmed a new mark today upon certifying that the children of a local family are still playing with the presents they received four nights ago for finding a hidden piece of …