Showing 421–480 of 596 articles · Page 8 of 10
School Rushes To Issue 2015 Book List By Mid-Summer 2016 It represents a full eight months earlier than average. Jerusalem, July 17 – Administrators and educational staff at the Reishit School are scrambling to distribute the list of required books and materials for the 2015 academic year earlier than usual, aiming to finalize and send it out by the end of July 2016. Principal Tamar …
Pokémon Go A Plot To Distract Population From Noticing Chemtrails “While playing hunter, chasing after Pokemon, they are actually the hunted.” Kfar Shmaryahu, July 12 – Activists monitoring the proliferation of chemicals in the atmosphere that are dispersed to enhance governmental mind-control and spread preventable diseases in order to control and cull the population warned that the newest online phenomenon, the free Pokémon Go game, …
Vile Phone Companies Still Allow Callers To Leave Voice Mail “How could anyone think this is acceptable behavior?” Kiryat Yam, Israel, July 7 – Residents of this sleepy Haifa suburb on the Mediterranean coast were horrified to discover that the various telecommunications companies in Israel’s market still permit callers to leave recorded messages, a primitive practice that they describe variously as “heinous,” “monstrous,” and “abominable.” …
Local Facebook Profile Collapses Under Weight Of Elie Wiesel Obituaries “My app probably crashed from the weight of occurrences of the word ‘moral’ alone.” Natanya, July 3 – The Facebook profile of an area resident became crushed today after sustaining too many posts about the passing of Nobel Peace Prize laureate Elie Wiesel, who died this weekend. Immediately after Wiesel’s death at age 87, the …
Palestinian Architect Can’t Find Israeli Schools’ Rocket Storage Areas “If there’s anything my career as an architect in Gaza has taught me, it’s that hospitals and schools by nature double as weapons storage facilities.” Kfar Blum, June 29 – A member of a group of construction professionals from Gaza visiting Israel to help them improve engineering and design of public facilities at home wondered today …
Teen Demands Referendum On Remaining In Same Room As Brother “My goal is to take control of my own future, and not have to be dependent on some pre-teen with an underdeveloped concept of personal space.” Ramat HaSharon, June 24 – Emboldened by the UK’s vote yesterday to leave the European Union, local adolescent Itamar Golan asserted that a similar process was necessary to determine …
EU Flings Sacks Of Money At Anti-Israel NGOs, Injuring 30 Flying glass accounted for more than half the injuries. Tel Aviv, June 20 – Israeli medical crews rushed to treat dozens of far-left-wing activists today for injuries sustained after being hit by sacks of cash indiscriminately flung by the European Commission at those activists’ organizations. Thirty people were injured, four seriously, when the sacks struck …
Man In Traffic Jam Does Civic Duty: Honks At Driver In Front Of Him “I just did what I was supposed to do,” the father of three later recalled. Jerusalem, June 15 – A driver on his way into Israel’s capital today reacted with civic responsibility upon encountering a lineup of vehicles waiting to proceed along their way, by sounding his horn emphatically at the car immediately in front …
Palestinian Villagers Forced To Buy Israeli Sweets To Celebrate Tel Aviv Killings Some have bought packages of Israeli candy without comment, but several did specifically ask whether there was any of local provenance. Dayariyya, West Bank, June 9 – Residents of this isolated town north of Nablus confessed they felt awkward last night and this morning upon discovering that the only candies available at the moment for …
Haaretz To Charge Users To Submit Non-Left-Wing Comments “Providing quality journalism is not cheap, and what Haaretz does costs money, too.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – To maintain the ideological consistency of its online platform and to boost its struggling bottom line, the Haaretz newspaper’s web site will begin charging people who comment on articles in ways that do not match the hard-left, …
Haredim Seek to Censor Rainbow from Noah Story; ‘Gay Symbol’ “We know how dangerous images can be, and we’re not going to allow the Gay Agenda to dictate people’s understanding of Holy Writ.” Bnei Brak, June 1 – In anticipation of the annual Tel Aviv Gay Pride parade, a coalition of community leaders called the Personal Responsibility Union for Decent Ethics (PRUDE) is lobbying the Chief Rabbinate and …
Ministry Of Health Warns Don’t Be That Guy Hundreds are injured annually as a result of people being That Guy. Jerusalem, May 28 – Increasing public health dangers have prompted the Ministry of Health to issue a warning to individual Israelis not to be That Guy, a ministry spokesman said today. At a press conference this morning, Deputy Director-General for Public Health Policy …
To Confuse BDS, Israeli Promoters Advertising Made-Up Acts Bimot is currently laying the groundwork for a supposed performance in Israel by a nonexistent man named Elton John. Tel Aviv, May 22 – Israeli concert promoters sent former Pink Floyd front man and current promoter of an artistic boycott of Israel Roger Waters on a wild goose chase this week after announcing, with great …
Ancient Israelites Unaware The Place Supposed To Be Called ‘Palestine’ “Obviously, the Zionists got to these ancient peoples before we did.” Samaria, May 18 – The inhabitants of this ten-tribe kingdom north of Jerusalem, along with their brethren in the kingdom Judah to the south, are oblivious to the fact that the land in which they live and have developed their civilization is called not …
Israelis To Honor Nature By Bickering In Lusher Setting Ein Gedi Nature Reserve, May 12 – Israelis by the tens of thousands thousands took advantage of the Independence Day holiday to break from routine and argue in greener, more bucolic areas of the country for a change. Schools are closed and most places of employment must grant time off today, and many employers have a more generous …
Amazon Moves Peres’s “The New Middle East” To Fantasy Section Some committee members wanted to relegate The New Middle East to the humor section. Seattle, May 8 – Internet commerce giant Amazon.com has reclassified a non-fiction work by former Israeli President Shimon Peres about Mideast peace, instead categorizing it as fantasy alongside Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, The Lord of the Rings, and similar works …
Bob The Builder Named In Settlement Construction Probe The allegations may adversely affect the new animated series of Mr. the Builder’s chronicles. Tel Aviv, May 3 – Anti-settlement activists are accusing a prominent international entertainer of actively working on homes for Israeli Jews in areas Palestinians claim for a future state, a spokesman for the activists said today. Peace Now representative Ray Kingball …
Rabbi Elazar Ben Azaria Still Hasn’t Updated JDate Profile Pic “Give the guy a break – he hasn’t updated Twitter at all, and forget about Instagram.” Yavne, April 26 – The newly installed head of the Sanhedrin has yet to upload a more accurate, up-to-date photo for his profile on a dating site to account for recent changes to his appearance, users are reporting. Rabbi …
Drunk Elijah Wanders Into Area “A” IDF search-and-rescue teams conducted several helicopter reconnaissance missions last night and this morning. Hebron, April 24 – Following a visit to every Jewish household to partake of wine from the Seder, an inebriated prophet Elijah has been spotted wandering in Palestinian-controlled parts of Judea and Samaria, according to eyewitness reports. Elijah the Tishbi spent the first …
Postal Service Memo On Improving Reliability Gets Lost In Mail Each employee will be allotted a maximum number of epithets per day to be directed at customers. Jerusalem, April 17 – Implementation of an effectiveness-enhancement program at the Israel Postal Service has been delayed as a result of memorandums to employees apprising them of the plan got lost in the mail, a spokesman for the …
Bigfoot Meets Rothschilds, Trump, To Plan Next Step In World Domination Trump, for his part, arranged for a lookalike to take his place in Wisconsin. Tel Aviv, April 6 – Secure in the knowledge no one would bat an eye at their presence among the bizarre characters on this city’s Shenkin Street, several prominent members of the World Zionist Conspiracy met at a restaurant in that eclectic …
Education Ministry Discovers Nazi Symbols In WWII History Books “We’re mystified and profoundly disturbed.” Jerusalem, April 4 – Officials at the Ministry of Education expressed shock and outrage today at the presence of Nazi imagery and symbols in school textbooks on modern European history. Section supervisors at the ministry held an emergency meeting this morning after a staff member alerted her superiors to the …
Paint Manufacturer Wondering When ‘Pinkwashing’ Will Affect Sales “Pinkwashing is supposed to be this huge endeavor, so I’m looking forward to lucrative overtime pay.” Haifa Bay Industrial Zone, March 30 – A local manufacturer of paints, dyes, and other chemicals hopes to see a sign very soon that Israeli pinkwashing activities are taking place, since he anticipates increased retail sales as demand for …
Woman At Nudist Resort Told To Stop Breastfeeding In Public Guests had mixed reactions to the episode. Kibbutz Ein B’gadim, Israel, March 27 – A mother nursing her baby at this naturist facility on the Mediterranean was confronted by representatives of the administration for doing so in full view of passersby, local sources reported Sunday. Visitors at the resort reported that early in the afternoon, …
High Schooler Planning Non-Slutty Purim Costume “I was looking forward to seeing her as Wonder Woman, maybe, or a mermaid.” Ramat Aviv, March 18 – A sixteen-year-old girl attending one of North Tel Aviv’s high schools shocked friends and family this week when she informed them that as part of her class’s celebration of the upcoming Purim holiday, her planned costume did not …
Separate Parents’, Kids’ Bathrooms Prompt ‘Apartheid’ Charge By contrast, no media organizations have ever reported seeing such an intolerable phenomenon in Gaza. Ramat Gan, March 14 – Local parents Yariv and Dafna Omer faced accusations of Apartheid in his household today after human rights groups discovered they mandate separate toilet and bathing facilities for the parents and children in the household, respectively, and that …
Report: Better You Not Know The study strengthens the sense derived from previous research that, no, we won’t tell you, because you can’t then un-know it. Beer Sheva, March 9 – A comprehensive review of available data has concluded that under the circumstances, it would be better that you not know. Scientists from Ben-Gurion University analyzing the information in conjunction with the …
Study Suggests It Was Jew- Er, Zionists Who Let The Dogs Out We’re not antisemitic, we swear. Haifa, March 5 – New investigations into an inquiry first raised in the late 1990’s may indicate that the release of canines by previously unknown parties was in fact perpetrated by conspiring Jews- we mean Zionists, Haifa University researchers reported today. Scientists first began to examine who let the dogs out in …
University Closes Phage Labs; ‘Microaggression’ “Microorganisms in laboratories never provided their consent to be subject to the vagaries of the petri dish.” Tel Aviv, March 1 – A leading research institute has decided to shutter its pathology and microbiology facilities amid concerns that countless acts of microaggression were occurring in those spaces, a spokesman for the administration said today. Tel …
Stingy Agency Won’t Offer Lifetime Pension For Killing Palestinians “The lack of official inducement to kill Palestinians is a little too much to attribute to a bureaucratic oddity.” Jerusalem, February 25 – Israel’s National Insurance Institute does not offer lifetime financial support to those who have killed Palestinians, an investigation has revealed, calling into question the organization’s and Israeli society’s commitment to conforming with the …
‘Put Down Phone’ Added To Stabbing Victim First Aid Instructions “1. Contact emergency services. 2. Put down your mobile device*.” Jerusalem, February 21 – Volunteer paramedic organizations in Israel have issued an updated set of guidelines for civilians who wish to provide care to victims in the minutes following a stabbing attack until the first responders arrive, adding a crucial preliminary step that involved freeing up …
Palestinian Study: Hebrew Descended From Pig Latin The pig-oriented linguistic argument fits into a trend in Palestinian and Islamic scholarship at large. Ramallah, February 16 – Linguistic researchers at Bir Zeit University published an article this week in which they argue that Hebrew is not in fact a Semitic language, as is generally accepted, but is descended from Pig Latin. Professor of Semitic …
Israel Snags Royalty Rights To ‘Protocols’ They will thus gain immensely from the burgeoning sales of the book among those who wish the nation ill. Jerusalem, February 11 – Treasury officials gathered in the Israeli capital today to celebrate the country’s most recent achievement, a secret deal that will allow the Jewish state to profit from each sale of the infamous …
Tel Aviv Controllers Of Robot Rubio Pleased With Debate Rubio’s controllers had an infamous playful moment early last year when they made their robot repeatedly reach for his water during a political speech. Tel Aviv, February 7 – The day following the final debate among the multiple remaining Republican Party candidates, the team operating the android known as Marco Rubio expressed satisfaction with their …
Haaretz Writer Fails To Hit Weekly Quota Of ‘Fascist’, ‘McCarthyist’ Measures in case of further violations include the removal of Shakran’s access to articles pre-written by left-wing NGOs. Tel Aviv, February 3 – A journalist at Israel’s most prestigious newspaper has been disciplined for not meeting the publisher’s mandated minimum number of times writers must use certain politically charged terms, PreOccupied Territory has learned. Amos Shakran, …
Boy Who Stabbed Cites UN Chief: ‘Human Nature To React To Homework’ The boy’s attorney, Zehavi Gal-Un, blamed the Minister of Education for the incident. Kfar Sava, January 27 – Inspired by United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon’s refusal to condemn Palestinian stabbing attacks on Israelis, a high school senior accused of attacking his teacher today also characterized his act as legitimate resistance, saying it is human nature to …
Snow Assuages Rogel Alpher’s Guilt By Being Even Whiter Than He “Snow, at least, is even whiter, and I am therefore not the most guilty thing in existence.” Tel Aviv, January 25 – Haaretz columnist and self-hating Israeli Rogel Alpher expressed a measure of relief after Israel’s first major snowfall of the year, saying that he needed to be reminded that he is not the whitest …
Palestinians Studying Free In Israeli Jails Complain Of Grade Inflation “Inmates suffer under this harsh grade inflation regime.” Ofer Prison, near Jerusalem, January 20 – Palestinians convicted of terrorism offenses against Israelis accused the administrators of their free university degree program of padding the scores the inmates achieved on exams and papers, an attorney for one of the prisoners said today. Jibril Ahmad, who represents a …
Olmert Miffed Not To Be On List Of Criminals Freed For Iran He had expected to be rewarded for conducting a 2006 war with Iran’s proxy Hezbollah in such a way that the Shiite organization gained credibility Jerusalem, January 16 – Former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert voiced anger over his omission from the roster of criminal suspects and convicts either released or removed from an arrest list …
Man Hoping To Get EU Funding For Mooning IDF “My operation is perfectly positioned, if you will, to exploit this situation.” Raanana, January 11 – A local resident has applied for a grant from the European Commission to help him fund hid efforts to expose his backside at IDF soldiers, the man announced today (Monday). Seymour Butz, 38, told reporters he aimed to leverage …
Israelis Shocked That Netflix Not Pronounced ‘Netfleeks’ “I’ve been saying the name wrong. It’s just on the face, on the face.” Tel Aviv, January 7 – With Netflix expanding its service into Israel for the first time as of yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Israelis rushed to avail themselves of its video-streaming, only to discover that they have been mispronouncing the company’s …
Gerbils Who Caused Black Death Hiding Out In Israel If confirmed, the link will add to a long list of animals used by Jews and Zionist to weaken their opponents. Somewhere near Qalqiliya, January 3 – With their cover finally blown and their role in the spread of the bubonic plague know widely known, the rodents who long evaded detection as the pandemic’s vector …
After Olmert Convicted, Land Developers At Loss How To Do Job Developers have yet to arrive at a process for gaining governmental approval for their projects that does not involve the illicit provision of money or favors. Jerusalem, December 28 – Building developers across Israel expressed bewilderment and frustration at the upheld bribery conviction of former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert today, saying that if it is not …
Frank Costanza’s Car Still In Good Spot Near Tel Aviv Theater “He’s got the good spot in front of the good building in the good neighborhood.” Tel Aviv, December 24 – Nearly a week after he attended a pair of shows by his son’s best friend in this Mediterranean city, Frank Costanza has yet to move his 1978 Mercury from the perfect spot in which he …
Tel Aviv S&M Subculture Torn Over Gag Orders “… but on the other hand, right where my watch would be, I’ve got these welts from the handcuffs…” Tel Aviv, December 20 – Members of this Mediterranean city’s sexual sadomasochism scene say they are of two minds about court-imposed gag orders in various recent cases, a community representative said today. The membership of the Society …
Trump Postpones Israel Trip; Ynet Trolls Mourn Chance To See Their God “Bibi’s no Trump, and the trolls know that.” Givatayim, Israel, December 16 – Subtlety-free, bigoted loudmouths who dominate the comments section on the Ynet news site voiced their disappointment this week at Donald Trump postponing his announced trip to Israel later this month. The group of internet trolls expressed dismay at being deprived of the opportunity …
Crappy Donut Stores Accuse High-End Shops Of ‘Cultural Appropriation’ “The only real difference between a caramel sufganiyah and a jam-filled one is the color of the junk we pipe into it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a colonialist, elitist pig.” Jerusalem, December 9 – Longtime sellers of the deep-fried, decorated pastries known as sufganiyot are lamenting the encroachment of establishments that produce something …
Fistfight At Elders Of Zion Over Whose Turn To Enslave Muslims Today Administrators stressed that no diabolical plans were compromised as a result of the fracas. Tel Aviv, December 3 – Rival members of the International Zionist Conspiracy came to blows this morning over who had reserved today’s session overseeing the subjugation and enslavement of the world’s Muslim population, witnesses reported. Four people present when the altercation began …
Dustbin Of History Closed Amid Environmental Concerns The first indication of trouble was that Richard Nixon kept escaping. Jerusalem, November 29 – The Dustbin of History will no longer accept any discredited or defeated ideas, its management announced today, after a report found that the facility has largely failed in recent years at keeping those destructive ideas out of circulation. The Dustbin, …
Butcher Thinks Speaking English Means You Want Thanksgiving Turkey “I have it ready for you in Tuesday or Wednesday, yes?” Jerusalem, November 25 – The proprietor of a meat and poultry establishment assumes that if your first language is English, you definitely want to buy a whole turkey to prepare for Thursday, sources at the Mahane Yehuda market are reporting. Several purchasers of chicken, beef, …
‘Islamophobia Airlines’ To Compete With El Al On Security It costs less to implement the ethnic filter than to employ personnel who must interact with every single passenger. Tel Aviv, November 22 – Heightened tensions in recent weeks over Islamic terrorism has air travelers opting for carriers with greater security wherever possible, making Israel’s flag carrier El Al poised to take advantage of the …
New Israel Fund Grantees Pool Money For Defense Of Paris Suspects “Right now there are a bunch of young Muslims in Europe whom we expect to use their ethnic origins in court to justify their violence, and we need to support that because it hits home for us.” Jerusalem, November 16 – Civil society organizations receiving funding from the New Israel Fund will contribute to a central …
Spate Of Stabbings Has Rendered Teen Girls Unable To Even Now they cannot even at least fifteen times per day, up from an average of only nine times per day before the current wave of attacks began nearly two months ago. Ra’anana, November 11 – A report by the Ministry of Health has found that the recent wave of violent Palestinian attacks on Jews, mostly …
Ben & Jerry’s Israel Nixes ‘Palestinian Organ Harvest’ Flavor The manufacturer has been unable to secure Palestinian organs or tissues that could be considered FairTrade. B’er Tuvia Industrial Zone, November 6 – The importers and manufacturers of Ben and Jerry’s premium ice cream in Israel put the kibosh on a new flavor touting pieces of body parts harvested from dead Palestinian terrorists, after determining …
Police Cruelly Deny Journalists Opportunity To Report Lynch By Jews “To my great dismay, the police undermined my ability to provide our audience with a visceral confirmation of my biases.” Rishon LeTzion, November 2 – Law enforcement personnel in this Tel Aviv suburb displayed what journalists are describing as intense lack of consideration for a good anti-Israel story by intervening to prevent passers by from …
Roger Waters Livid At Israeli Reverence For Wall “I’m going to put a stop to this nonsense. Even if it takes two thousand years.” New York, October 28 – A leading figure in the movement to impose a cultural boycott on Israel expressed shock and anger today that the Jewish state enables and encourages people to visit and pray at a wall, a …
Tel Aviv To Build Wall To Keep Out Separation Barrier Advocates “We will shield ourselves from the mentality that walling ourselves off from trouble somehow solves the problem.” Tel Aviv, October 22 – Perturbed that many people who accept separation barriers as a valid approach to address problems enter Tel Aviv each day, the city council today adopted a measure that will fund the construction of …
To Go With Palestinian Child Livers, Bistro Offers Fava Beans, Chianti Hannibal introduced delicacies such as Tongue à la Nurse, acting with such casualness that her pulse likely never got above 85 in the process. Tel Aviv, October 18 – At Lecter, an upscale restaurant in downtown Tel Aviv, the wine list alone makes many Israelis salivate, as it features several varietals that local vintners do not …
Batman To Visit Israel To Learn Combat With Umbrellas, Selfie Sticks Experts say acquiring combat skills with an umbrella, in particular, would constitute a poetic achievement of sorts for Batman, one of whose arch-nemeses is the umbrella-wielding Penguin. Gotham City, October 14 – The vigilante crime fighter of this troubled municipality has announced plans to travel to Israel to pick up hand-to-hand combat skills from the …
E. Jerusalem Cutco Salesman Can’t Believe His Good Timing “I’m not surprised the Tel Aviv attack resulted in only light injuries to the four victims. That’s basically what you get when you settle for an inferior product.” Jerusalem, October 8 – Jamal Masri, 21, is effusive in describing his timing and good fortune, as his foray into direct-marketing of Cutco® brand knives has coincided …