Showing 541–596 of 596 articles · Page 10 of 10
With Supply Now Infinite, Cats Classified As Renewable Resource Jerusalem, September 22 – The exploding population of feral cats in Israel has prompted the Ministry of Environmental Protection to declare the animals a renewable resource, clearing the way to harvest them and use them in myriad ecologically friendly projects, a government spokeswoman said today. Spokeswoman Ailura Hatuli told reporters at a press conference Monday …
14 Killed, Dozens Injured In Jerusalem Coffee Wars Jerusalem, September 16 – Stiff competition in the high-stakes hot beverage market has led to increasing violence as customers torn between nearly identical competing chains get caught up in it. This month alone, more than a dozen have been killed in the crossfire, with more than 50 others treated for injuries. Startup enterprise Cofix took …
Canaanite Shield With Child Tied To Front Proves Palestinian Ancestry Hatzor, Israel, September 9 – Archaeologists excavating the Canaanite stronghold of Hatzor have discovered an artifact that conclusively corroborates the Palestinian claim to descent from those pre-Israelite inhabitants: the shield of a Canaanite warrior, to which a small child has been bound. The discovery was unearthed last month at the site, which has served as …
Guests Petition Gov’t To Make Meals As Good As Smorgasbords Jerusalem, September 6 – Frustrated attendees at various catered affairs took to the political arena this week to protest the drop in quality of the food they experience when moving from the smorgasbord to the sit-down meal, calling on their political representatives to require that caterers make the dinner portion of every affair at least …
Filipino UN Troops, Now In Israel, To Take Jobs In Home Care Ein Zivan, Israel, August 31 – Following a firefight with Jihadist rebels and many fraught hours during which their fate was unclear, the 75 UN soldiers from the Philippines who managed to make their way across the border into Israel are considering joining the professional field of home healthcare in which so many other Filipinos …
Effort To Provide Infinite Texting Causes Black Hole Hertzeliya, August 28 – Israeli cellular service providers Orange, Cellcom, and Partner, among others, have been pursuing a market strategy to entice customers with an infinite capacity to send text messages via their mobile devices, but scientists are warning that the measures necessary to reach the infinity threshold have sparked the formation of a black …
Foreign Ministry To Close; ‘Not Accomplishing Anything’ Jerusalem, August 23 – Israel’s cabinet has decided to shut down the country’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs amid realizations that its efforts to combat Palestinian propaganda have become pointless. The ministers voted unanimously to disband the ministry and reassign some of its employees to other government offices. In addition to sparing those employees and envoys …
Knesset To Honor Both Israeli Celebrities Not Accused Of Crimes Jerusalem, August 18 – A special governmental committee has decided to award citations of merit to two moderately prominent entertainers who have somehow managed to remain the only such personalities in their industry without any arrests or police investigations in the last fifteen years. Elad Buzaglo and Moti Katz, a singer and magician, respectively, have …
Woman Accused Of Witchcraft After Inserting USB Correctly On First Try Tzfat, Israel August 13 – A local receptionist is facing suspicions of sorcery today because she managed to put her flash drive in a computer’s USB port without having to turn it over because it was facing the wrong way. Malka Schor, 31, was transferring patient data from one computer to another at the medical …
Ban On Flights To Israel Renewed Until People Stop Clapping At Landing Washington, DC, August 8 – The US is once again using its influence in air travel to modify the way Israelis behave, this time directly addressing the need travelers seem to have to applaud upon landing in Israel. When the Federal Aviation Administration announced two weeks ago that US carriers would not fly to Ben …
HaZorfim To Supply Silver Platter On Which To Hand Hamas Victory Kfar Daniel, Israel, August 2 – One of the country’s most venerable silversmith establishments has been awarded the contract to produce the tremendous silver platter on which to hand Hamas the victory in the current round of violence. The Prime Minister’s Office announced the results of the tender Saturday evening, following the cabinet’s decision to …
Man Unsure Whether Missile Siren Interrupted Lather, Rinse, Or Repeat Ra’anana, Israel, July 26 – A local resident who was forced to rush to his home’s safe room while in the middle of his shower cannot remember where in his shampooing cycle he was when the missile alert siren sounded, sources close to the man reported today. Ben Teitelbaum, 36, was engaged in his typical …
Israel Fears Giant Ant Invasion After Huge Tunnels Discovered Near Gaza Kibbutz Nir Am, Israel, July 21 – Members of this agricultural community near the border with the Gaza Strip are troubled by the discovery of several large tunnels in the area, concerned that the tunnels indicate the presence of tremendous insects. In several cases over the last week, Israeli soldiers have been called to the …
Hamas Rockets Leave Leftists Buried Under Collapsed Ideology North Tel Aviv, July 16 – While Hamas rocket-launch teams in Gaza continue their so-far-unsuccessful attempt to sow widespread death and destruction among the Israeli civilian population, the Home Front Command today reported a sharp increase in referrals of leftist Israelis for treatment of psychiatric trauma. Hospital emergency rooms that had been prepared for numerous physical injuries …
Israel Electric Co. To Power Region From Herzl Spinning In Grave Haifa, July 11 – Israel’s national electric utility plans to continue its transition away from coal-fired power plants by harnessing the kinetic energy of modern Zionism’s founder rotating in his grave, the Ministry of Environmental Protection announced today. The Israel Electric Corporation plans to install a subterranean turbine at the burial site of Theodor Herzl …
Ynet Considers Replacing Bikini Photos With Actual News Tel Aviv, July 8 – Editors at the popular Israeli website Ynet are toying with the notion of giving their readers news stories beyond celebrity gossip and the latest photos of attractive public figures in swimsuits. With tensions mounting between Israel and Hamas and an IDF operation in the Gaza Strip apparently imminent, Ynet management …
Hundreds Injured Jumping To Conclusions About Murder Of Arab Teen Jerusalem, July 3 – More than 800 commentators, politicians, and other public figures needed medical treatment yesterday when they suffered various injuries incurred while jumping to conclusions over the abduction and murder of Muhammad Abu Khdeir, 16, whose body was found in the Jerusalem forest Wednesday morning. Hospitals reported admitting hundreds of patients for jumping-related injuries …
Israel Philharmonic To Stop Selling Beer After 3rd Movement Tel Aviv, June 29 – Troubled by unruly attendees in the audience, Heichal Hatarbut, the Tel Aviv home of the Israel Philharmonic, has decided to stop selling alcoholic beverages beyond the third movement of orchestral works of four movements or more, and after the second movement of three-movement pieces. The decision comes after persistent difficulties …
Tel Aviv Hospital Under Fire For Violating Apartheid Policy Ramallah, June 22 – Palestinian officals are accusing an Israeli medical facility of failing to live up to the characterization of Apartheid that the Palestinains and their supporters demand of the Jewish State. According to those officials, Assuta, a private Tel Aviv hospital, has allegedly violated the principles of Apartheid, which would require separating Arab …
Israelis Divided Over Which Antisemitic World Cup Team To Root For Tel Aviv, June 18 – The current crop of FIFA World Cup teams competing for the championship trophy has Israelis split on which of the many Jew-hating countries in the tournament deserves their support. Thirty-two teams will vie over the next several weeks for supremacy, first within their groups of four, and then, for the …
Abbas: Rivlin’s Vegetarianism More Offensive Than His Politics Jerusalem, June 11 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas reacted to the election of Reuven Rivlin as President of Israel by taking exception to the latter’s vegetarian sensibilities, rather than to his views on the desirability of annexing parts of the West Bank to Israel. Abbas had his office send a perfunctory note of congratulations to …
Misguided Culture Pathetically Enjoys Fluffy “Cheesecake” Jerusalem, June 5 – The aftermath of the Shavuot festival has anthropologists and other scientists scratching their heads at the popularity in Israel of a sponge-like, only mildly edible cheesecake in honor of the day, when dairy is traditionally made a part of the festive menu. Scientists observing Israeli gustatory habits remain at a loss …
Pesticides No Threat To Aquifers: No Water Left Anyway Jerusalem, May 30 – A joint report by the Ministries of Environmental Protection and Agriculture recommends that the government cease enforcement of pesticide limits aimed at protecting aquifers, since the underground water sources have already been depleted. Minister of Agriculture and Rural Development Yair Shamir endorsed the report, released yesterday, that would effectively remove restrictions …
Chinese Buyers Of Tnuva Promise Only ‘Barely Lethal’ Levels Of Melamine In Milk Ramat HaSharon, May 25 – Bright Foods, the Chinese conglomerate that purchased a controlling stake in Tnuva last week, is trying to reassure Israeli consumers that drinking melamine-contaminated milk will not usually be lethal. Bright Foods completed the purchase of 56% of Tnuva’s shares last Wednesday, acquiring them mostly from the British holding company Apax …
Condom Manufacturers Lament Declining Birthright Participation Jerusalem, May 18 – The makers of latex prophylactics are warily eyeing the downward trend of Birthright Israel registration, as the thinning ranks of those Jewish young adults who have never been on an organized tour of Israel are reflected in fewer opportunities for Israeli soldiers to seduce participants, resulting in lower condom sales. Since 1999 approximately …
Scientists Find Downtown Jerusalem Establishment That Is Not A Coffee Shop Jerusalem, May 15 – An exhaustive search of retail outlets in Jerusalem’s city center has revealed that there exists one that is not a hoity-toity cafe, researchers from the Hebrew University announced today. Researchers scoured a 400-meter radius of the Ben Yehuda Street pedestrian mall last month, and found that of the approximately 1,200 stores, …
Nature Reserves To Be Preemptively Converted To Landfills Jerusalem, May 8 – Israel’s Ministry of the Environment announced today that to avoid expensive and time-consuming cleanup costs from throngs of visitors, the Nature and Parks Authority would transform most of the country’s green spaces outright into garbage dumps. Hundreds of thousands of Israelis visited national parks and open green spaces on Tuesday in …
Haredim Expected To Excel At Black-Hat SEO Hertzeliya, Israel, April 30 – When Google opened its first research and development center in Israel in 2006, company executives were focused more on the quality and quantity of available personnel for the development of new initiatives, but the ensuing years have brought to their attention the potential benefits of employing Haredim, whose expertise with …
After Mimuna, Ashkenazim Allowed To Hate Sephardim Again Jerusalem, April 23 – The end of a post-Passover holiday celebrating North African Jewish culture in Israel means that Jews of northern and eastern European ancestry can go back to openly disdaining Jews of the Orient. Mimuna, a springtime festival immediately following the Jewish festival of redemption from Egyptian servitude, was brought to Israel by …
Israeli Startup To Give Hemorrhoids To Spammers Ramat Gan, Israel, April 6 – Asla Agevah founded Halomot B’aspamia two years a go with the vision of bringing some visceral justice to the world of online marketing, and is now very close to launching the company’s first product: a script that tracks the sources of spam messages and comments and causes the person …
Olmert Convictions Means Now He Actually Has Some Tel Aviv, March 31 – Tel Aviv Disctrict Court Magistrate David Rosen pronounced former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert guilty on corruption charges today, finally supplying Olmert with at least one conviction, something he had lacked in his previous 68 years. The verdict stems from a lengthy series of investigations and litigation involving Olmert’s terms first …
Vandals Aim To Solve Regional Conflict By Slashing Tires Jerusalem, March 25 – A group of as-yet-unidentified Jewish youths from the northern section of the city hopes to put an end to the centuries-old friction over land and politics in the Holy Land by vandalizing the vehicles of non-Jews. 32 cars and trucks were rendered immobile after a group of youths crept into the …
Banks To Charge Less For Letting You Use Your Own Damn Money Tel Aviv, March 19 – Bank HaPoalim became the first Israeli bank to release its government-mandated fee schedule today, announcing three packages for different levels of account activity that will allow Israelis to pay less than they have been paying to use money that belongs to them in the first place. Banking regulators will require …
Human Rights Watch Hires Michael Bay To Portray Palestinians As Innocent, IDF As Brutal Los Angeles, March 15 – One of the leading organizations monitoring Israeli treatment of Palestinians has engaged one of Hollywood’s leading directors to contrive confrontations between Palestinian protesters and Israeli troops in order to portray the troops as brutal to extreme dramatic effect. Human Rights Watch, which devotes a significant portion of its efforts to …
Naïve Israel Advocates Think New Genetic Study Will Silence Rabid Foes Jerusalem, February 25 – Supporters of Israel who have been living under a rock for the last hundred years expect that a study debunking an earlier claim – that Ashkenazi Jews were not genetically linked to the ancient Jewish inhabitants of Israel – will once and for all stop anti-Israel forces from ever employing fallacious …
Canaanites Deny Being Forebears Of Palestinians Hatzor, Israel, February 17 – After several prominent Palestinians asserted that they were descended from the ancient Canaanites, leaders of the Canaanite city-states emphatically ruled out the notion that their descendants were modern-day Palestinians. Amirapu I of Ugarit and Yavin of Hatzor held a joint press conference this afternoon, at which they repeatedly denied any …
Honest BDS Activist Lives Off Grid, Forages, Avoids Medicine Somewhere near Beach Lake, Pennsylvania, February 15 – Oscar Thorpe is a rare specimen indeed: a political activist who completely practices what he preaches. In his case, his adherence to the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions movement against Israel has led him to renounce all computer and telecommunications technology and advanced medical care. Unlike the leaders …
Israelis Disappointed That Gaily Costumed Athletes Sliding Along The Ice Failed To Provide International Legitimacy Sochi, Russia, February 13 – Israelis face the crushing prospect today of confronting a world that denies them the respect and legitimacy that they could have had, if only a man and woman in designer leotards had performed better as they glided around each other on an ice rink in the wilds of Russia. Evgeni …
Histadrut To Striking Hadassah MDs: It Was OUR Turn To Go On Strike Jerusalem, February 12 – The tension surrounding the Hadassah Hospital debt crisis increased today when the country largest labor union accused striking hospital personnel of picketing out of turn when it was supposed to be the union’s turn to disrupt Israelis’ lives. The Histadrut, which represents government and public sector workers, criticized hospital staff across …
Man Hoping To Rid Palestine of Jews Calls Israel ‘Racist’ Munich, Germany, February 6 – The chief Palestinian negotiator in talks with Israel has asked the world to “punish” the Jewish state for its racism, as he pursues the formation of a state next door in which Jews will not be allowed to remain. Saeb Erekat laid into his Israeli counterpart Tzipi Livni, characterizing the …
Israeli Theorists Posit Cheeses Other Than “Yellow,” “White” Rechovot, Israel, February 3 – Scientists at the Weizmann Institute of Science have promulgated a theory that is sending ripples through the Israeli dairy industry: that it is possible to manufacture a spreadable cheese that is not “White Cheese,” and hard cheese that is not “Yellow Cheese.” In an article in the industry journal Austerity, …
Security Council Demands Israel Stop Being So Goddamn Moral New York, February 2 – The United Nations Security Council endorsed a statement this morning calling on Israel to stop providing medical treatment to wounded Syrians, saying that the practice conflicts with the negative portrayal of Israel the body wishes to cultivate. Statement 3223 specifically denounces the treatment in Israeli hospitals of hundreds of Syrian …
Jerusalem To Shoot Dog Owners Who Fail To Clean Up Jerusalem, January 30 – Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat has announced that he is empowering municipal workers and concerned citizens to shoot the owners of dogs that leave excrement on the ground and neglect to clean it up within minutes. Barkat assembled a press conference this morning to publicize the measure and to give city residents …
By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian Authority President Binyamin Netanyahu has once again raised a non-starter of an idea: let the Israeli settlers remain in their settlements after the land is transferred to the emerging state of Palestine. Of course we Palestinians must reject that. What kind of Arab country would we be if we allowed Jews …
Agency Surprised By Backlash Against Ads Mocking Fat Kids Tel Aviv (AP) – Publicity firm JCDecaux was taken aback by the completely unforeseen reaction to an advertising campaign that distorted the images of children to make them look excessively overweight. The company found itself unexpectedly on the defensive after large swaths of the public expressed disgust at a campaign intended to draw attention to …
DMV Vows Reforms After Man Emerges In Only 12 Minutes Visitors to the various bureau offices are expected to spend at least 45 minutes waiting before their number is called. Jerusalem, January 8 – A local man went to the licensing bureau office to obtain a necessary document this morning and succeeded with a minimal wait time and no hassle, casting doubt on the Licensing …
Race To Politicize Pope’s Mideast Visit Begins Jerusalem (AP) – Pope Francis announced yesterday that he would be visiting the Holy Land in May of this year, setting off a scramble among Israelis and Palestinians to score propaganda points in their ongoing conflict and to leverage the publicity of the visit to imply papal endorsement of their respective positions. Francis announced his …
New York (AP) – The world was treated for a pulled jaw muscle today after yawning at the car bombing in a Beirut suburb yesterday. Doctors at New York’s Bellevue Hospital reported that that patient was admitted to the ER, treated, and released. A powerful explosion caused extensive damage and killed five passers by on …
New York (AP) – A rapid deterioration of former Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s condition has journalists scrambling to update their files in case the publication of an obituary becomes necessary in the coming hours or days. Sharon, 85, suffered a stroke eight years ago that resulted in his current comatose state. The former general’s …
City To Proudly Inaugurate 3 New Deadly Intersections Jerusalem, January 1 – Cutting through the maze of alleys and narrow, one-way streets in the historic neighborhood of Nachlaot is Betzalel Street, where a twice-daily ritual takes place during rush hour as drivers routinely imperil pedestrians by barreling through ill-designed crosswalks. The municipality plans to add at least three more such intersections to the …
Jerusalem (AP) – A spokesman for Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today lamented Israel’s execution of Holocaust mastermind Adolf Eichmann in 1962, noting that the architect of the Final Solution could have been released with other killers of Jews this evening. 26 Palestinians imprisoned for the murders of Israelis in terrorism attacks over the last …
Kiryat Shmonah, Israel, December 29 (AP) – One of five rockets fired from Lebanon hit near this northern Israeli town today, and the IDF responded fiercely with dozens of artillery shells aimed at empty fields, rocky hillsides, and unpopulated cedar groves. The impressive display of deterrence came amid heightened tensions along the border, where an …
Paris, France (Reuters) – A government-commissioned analysis of the late Palestinian Leader Yasser Arafat’s remains has concluded that he did not die of poisoning, as some Palestinians had charged, but by natural causes. Arafat died in 2004 and no autopsy was conducted at the time. The report also noted that Francisco Franco, who took power …
Arafat’s Widow: Israel Also Used Polonium To Kill Jesus Lausanne, Switzerland – In the wake of forensic evidence that the radioactive element Polonium-210 was present in some of the personal effects that late Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat had with him when he died, his widow Suha Arafat sees the hand of Israel in this and other deaths of prominent icons as far back as …
Israel Announces New Construction In Settlements; World Ends Again Jerusalem, Israel (AP) – Israel announced final approval for the construction of 1,500 residential units in a neighborhood of Jerusalem that it captured in the 1967 war, causing the end of the world yet again. The occurrence marks the latest in a series of hundreds of construction projects that have brought about the complete and …
New York, October 2 (AP) – Following Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s fiery address to the UN General Assembly, the New York Times issued a sternly worded editorial chastising the premier for closing the door on the annihilation of Israel as a diplomatic solution to Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons capability. Netanyahu had warned the …