Israel

“The passenger apparently subjected the vehicle to one or two more iterations of ‘Copacabana’ than any being can handle.” Maale Adummim, March 21 – An automated vehicle destroyed itself and its human cargo this morning by careening through a roadside barrier and tumbling down a steep hillside because the person inside kept playing terrible music, …

“We are considering this an Active Heresy situation, and have deployed our personnel accordingly to address this threat.” Ramat Aviv Gimmel, March 14 – Police rushed to a high school in this northern neighborhood of Tel Aviv this morning upon receiving word that at least one student had wielded ideas not approved by the administration, …

“This year we succeeded in coordinating all route blockages so that all of them can take place as planned, and none are omitted.” Jerusalem, March 8 – Municipal officials vowed today that the sections of streets blocked off for special events taking place tomorrow and for infrastructure work over the next several weeks will be …

The notice failed to clarify how this set of dangerous behaviors differs from encounters with local culture any other day of the year. Tel Aviv, March 1 – Notices went out to American diplomats and their families today to the effect that official business may not take place at any venue hosting a Purim party …

Rashlan was convicted of criminally negligent homicide following a 2017 incident. Rosh HaAyin, February 21 – A crane operator whose negligence resulted in the death of an Israeli Jew filed a lawsuit against the Palestinian Authority today after discovering he was not eligible to receive a lifetime pension that the Authority pays to killers of Jews. …

It would otherwise be followed by weirdness as they continue to walk toward each other but have nothing more to say. Rehovot, February 13 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have succeeded in quantifying the maximum distance at which two approaching acquaintances can act as if neither one recognized the other until that …

“This is a violation of the drone’s human rights,” declared Amnesty International. Tel Aviv, February 12 – Advocates of offering full residential rights to illegal migrants criticized the Israeli military today for shooting down an Iranian unmanned vehicle Saturday, arguing that the aircraft should have been given all the legal protections due someone escaping oppression …

It continued with a litany of other grievances, notable among them the apparent deafness of GOD to centuries of complaints. Holon, February 6 – A trade group representing buyers of female reproductive partners has accused the manufacturer of designing the units to age prematurely. The General Union of Youth Sustainability (GUYS), based outside Tel Aviv, …

“If you ask me, there’s something fishy going on there.” Jaffa, January 31 – A prophet trying to escape his mission had no choice but to purchase an entire vessel when a labor stoppage by union workers delayed the departure of a boat on which he had secured passage. Jonah ben Amittai, a seer of …

“No one ever stopped to consider other ways of preventing the Holocaust, such as preventing Hitler’s parents from meeting, or arranging his acceptance to art school.” Tel Aviv, January 24 – Publishing house Kinneret-Zmora-Bitan announced today it has secured the rights to the autobiography of a man who served as protector of the young Adolph …

“We monitor our customer satisfaction metrics all the time to ensure we’re not letting anyone outside our circle of cronies experience any.” Jerusalem, January 18 – A company that charged your account far in excess of what you owed them for the services or products it provided will gladly refund the extra if you jump …

“It takes a special sort of idiot, or a tourist, I suppose, to think it’s worth paying to urinate.” Jerusalem, January 11 – Confusion has reigned in Israel since the introduction of public toilet facilities that require payment for use, as the phenomenon has left them wondering why anyone would spend money on something that …

“I have gained so much damn weight during this research.” Tel Aviv, January 3 – A survey of foodstuffs available in Israel has determined that dishes adopted or adapted from foods Palestinians claim as theirs, and whose use by Israelis represents an attempt to erase indigenous culture, taste damned good. The study, which examined the restaurant, …

Even the minority of non-American respondents who did not liken hearing American-accented Hebrew to having one’s toenails pulled out with pliers nevertheless rated the experience as negative. Jerusalem, December 26 – A survey of both native-born and longtime-immigrant Israelis reveals that most would rather undergo traumatic physical assault than be subjected to hearing Hebrew spoken …

“In exchange for a small fee, I schmooze with some organizers and police, and there you go.” Tel Aviv, December 25 – Saturday night’s demonstration on Rothschild Boulevard against graft, cronyism, and other breaches of public trust in government marked the latest in a series of protests against the status quo, including both a controversial …

“Not sure what their business model is – not that I’m complaining.” Jaffa, December 19 – An area enthusiast of consuming human flesh admitted today he was anxious to sample the wares at a local facility that houses battered women, sources are reporting. Akul Lahmi Albashar, 35, informed his friends yesterday that it had come …

Some members of the FPA worried that they might not be able to adhere to the 35:1 guideline. Jerusalem, December 13 – Several weeks of deliberation among bureau chiefs of foreign media organizations have resulted in a joint decision to set the quantity of attention given to attacks on Palestinians at exactly thirty-five times the …

Initial efforts to eliminate Jews as a people first occurred during the latter half of the sixth century BCE. Jerusalem, December 6 – Despite thousands of years’ worth of efforts to eradicate them and demonstrate the world does not want them, Jews persist in arrogant defiance of popular will by remaining in existence, and in …

Community leaders have issued public castigation of the police for alleged impotence or timidity in enforcing laws among Arabs, alongside accusations that the police consistently apply a heavier hand in dealing with Arab suspects than when facing Jewish ones. Umm El-Fahm, November 29 – Leaders of the Arab sector in Israel criticized the police again …

The guide will soon be released as an app for mobile devices. Tel Aviv, November 22 – Activists combating what they call Israeli appropriation of indigenous Palestinian culture have published a culinary guide that will help users determine whether by the food they eat they are engaging in colonialist imperialism by eating dishes with local …

100,000 bald men wearing these devices and spending at least six hours per week in sunlight can sustain 800 kWh of consumption. Rechovot, November 15 – Weizmann Institute of Science researchers have developed a method to reduce dependence on fossil fuels by harnessing the solar energy that gets reflected off the scalps of hairless men, a spokesman for the …

“I could swear this is supposed to be part of my job – I read it in those Algerian and Libyan journals, and in all that literature from Palestinian human rights NGOs.” Safed, November 9 – A surgeon at Israel’s closest major hospital to the border with Syria voiced disbelief today at having received zero …

While once upon a time the Palestinian predicament elicited genuine sympathy, their leadership and allies have consistently opted for policies and rhetoric that damn the Palestinians to continued misery. Rehovot, November 2 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have succeeded in generating the smallest-ever violin to play in acknowledgment of the Palestinian plight, …

The situation is made all the more puzzling to the cat in light of her impending third litter of kittens. Jerusalem, October 28 – A street-dwelling feline that found shelter and food scraps in a neighborhood home is experiencing difficulty in figuring out what makes the humans who sometimes appear there kick her out when …

The father’s compelling pretense extends even to the mothers of children not in the same child care facility. Jerusalem, October 23 – A local man who picks up and drops off his child at preschool has cultivated a keen ability to maintain the appearance of not staring at, commenting on, or even letting on that …

Prisoners are assigned constructive or rehabilitative work as a matter of course in most societies,” explained the Deputy Warden of Megiddo Prison. Tel Aviv, October 18 – Human Rights Groups have raised concerns that Israel perpetrates unlawful psychological abuse against prisoners by having them compose thank-you notes for gifts received by children for their bar- …

Most of the activists remain unaware that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers did perform in Israel in 1987, as those activists were not yet born. Nablus, October 3 – Following the passing last night of American pop icon Tom Petty, activists attempting to target the Jewish State with a cultural embargo forever stowed their placards …

“Perhaps some has-been musicians can advocate a strategy to isolate and punish Palestinians until they internalize the need to respect the human rights of Israelis.” Har Adar, Spetember 27 – Three Israelis were killed and a fourth seriously injured in yet another attack by a Palestinian yesterday, prompting doubts among Israel’s population regarding the wisdom …

“Soon, the wokest hot take on any development won’t just be the province of Slate, Vox, or Jezebel.” Tel Aviv, September 19 – Engineers and physicists working on a joint project between Tel Aviv University and the research departments of several communications companies have created the most powerful virtue-signaling equipment to date, which they claim …

“The question is not whether we will meet the specific criteria of rolling out the grading reform by a target date, but how inclusive are we?” Jerusalem, September 13 – In an effort to keep Israeli educational practices on pace with standards elsewhere in the developed world, the Ministry of Education will direct schools to …

The exhibit will open this afternoon following a short memorial service for the hijackers. Ramallah, September 11 – Curators at the Museum of Palestine just outside the territory’s de facto capital have announced the acquisition of new items, which will be displayed for the first time today, to mark the sixteenth anniversary of the September 11, …

by Ali Latdam Review by PreOccupied Territory Staff The Harvested Palestinian Organs Cookbook purports to be the first of its kind, and to some degree that holds true: no one else has yet compiled a cookbook consisting only and specifically of recipes containing the tissues and organs of one ethnic group. But the work turns …

“It’s a harmless little obsession that only occasionally drives us to the brink of bankruptcy, causes us to miss family events, and damages his relationship with other people.” Jerusalem, August 30 – Ohr Mizrahi, 40, has all but fused his sense of self-esteem, accomplishment, and self to the performance of a group of gaily-clad men …

As the import of the announcement sank in, the assembly of journalists transformed into profanity-laced pandemonium. Givatayim, August 28 – An investigation into the automated system that channels incoming calls to various organization departments has found that despite a greeting that admonishes callers to listen carefully before selecting an extension because menu options have changed, …

It takes effect on the first day of school next week, but sooner if you really need it. Jerusalem, August 23 – To recognize the necessary exception to traffic regulations, the Ministry of Transport has enacted rules allowing you, specifically, to disregard laws when obeying them would prevent you from getting to your destination on time. …

Retail groups pushed heavily for the change, preferring to have the option of blaming restrictions imposed from the outside for unpleasant conditions in their stores. Tel Aviv, August 17 – For the first time in more than two decades, the agency that oversees the retail industry has increased the minimum number of supermarket checkout lanes that …

“I’ve already had it up to here with these people.” Tel Aviv, August 14 – A blogger who fled to Israel last week amid deportation threats in Turkey took very little time to adjust to her new surroundings, and has now pronounced the residents of Israel’s second-largest city insufferable. Neda Amin, a Persian-language blogger who …

“We’ve seen it with falafel, and to a similar extent with hummus, tahini, shakshuka, shawarma, sabih, and numerous other Near Eastern and Levantine dishes.” Jerusalem, August 9 – Ohr Ben-Zikri, 22, might have finished only one year of culinary school, but she already has her eyes set on an ambitious goal: to create new delicacies …

During the interview, alleged Rahamim, the supervisor of the unit kept looking at the candidate’s hands in a way that suggested something was amiss. Jerusalem, July 26 – A candidate for a position as a clerk at a Meuhedet Sick Fund facility in the capital claimed today that her application was rejected because she did …

The results of the study call into question the benefits people seek when they engage in such pointless, possibly destructive, behavior. Beersheva, July 24 – An extensive study that cross-referenced online habits with the frequency and intensity of horrible stories receiving media coverage has demonstrated no link between obsessive checking of the latest developments with …

“NONONONONONONONOOOOOOO,” explained a spokestoddler. Hod HaSharon, July 20 – A group of two-year-olds at a local day care center have registered their objections to the removal of unlimited junk food by announcing that tomorrow they will hold a “day of rage” against the authorities for imposing such an unjust situation on them. Eleven toddlers at …

A spokeswoman for the arena insisted in a telephone interview this morning that all proper procedures had been followed. Tel Aviv, July 16 – A ticket holder at Hayarkon Park contended this morning that arena staff would not let him enter the facility because he was not carrying a mobile device with which to record …

“An ignorant observer might conclude that the goal of the activists has little to do with helping Palestinians and everything to do with demonizing Israel.” Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, July 10 – Analysts are struggling to explain the puzzling absence of aid flotillas carrying precious fuel for the electricity-generating plants in this coastal territory, given …

“We dodged a bullet,” declared Moel Kaspi, an Executive Vice President. Tel Aviv, July 5 – Personnel at Clal Insurance held an emergency session today following an incident in which an investor came close to comprehending the Byzantine, Labyrinthian terms and conditions governing his retirement fund. Clal executives and mid-level investment advisers, who formulate the …

For veteran Palestinian educators, the feelings are all too familiar. Jenin, June 28 – Educators in the Palestinian Authority school system and in the parallel institutions run by the United nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees voiced concern this week over the impending two-month summer break from formal studies, during which the hard …

Team members stressed the broad impact of their findings on current understanding of Palestinian society and polity. Tel Aviv, June 26 – A study of educational materials and approaches in Palestinian kindergartens and nursery schools reveals that whereas other cultures use the preschool age to inculcate values into their children such as sharing, Palestinian-administered preschools …

Fears that it would see humans as a threat in the manner depicted the Terminator series thus proved baseless. Rehovot, June 21 – Developers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have succeeded in constructing a sentient computer, they announced today, and that once the machine grasped the fact that it does not consume animal products …

Signs that made retroactive sense included disruptions of traffic, which Pitsek said he had not noticed because Tel Aviv is already a traffic nightmare. Tel Aviv, June 14 – A resident of Israel’s second-largest city admitted surprise today after being informed that the 2017 Pride Parade took place last Friday, as he had not noticed …

The conference was nevertheless marred by a woman in the audience greeting Minister of Education Naftali Bennett with a Nazi salute. Tel Aviv, June 12 – A “Peace Conference” convened by one of Israel’s most venerable dailies succeeded in avoiding a phenomenon that had plagued previous events organized by the same publication, that of speakers …

The experiment outcome closely matches that posited by researchers Laura Joffe Numeroff and Felicia Bond in a 1985 paper. Rehovot, June 8 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science have managed to confirm a longstanding hypothesis regarding murine behavior, first posited in 1985, to the effect that if one offers a baked treat to a …

“We’ve enjoyed periods as long as five days at a time without a Palestinian attempt on Jewish lives. That could work with cars too.” Carmiel-Misgav, June 4 – Road safety activists have put forth an initiative to treat the scourge of fatal vehicle crashes with the same political urgency and creative thinking that spawned the …

The concentration of such power in the hands of Jews might brook resentment from wider Israeli society. Tel Aviv, May 29 – A survey of all major Israeli financial institutions, broadcast entertainment companies, and journalistic enterprises has uncovered a reality straight out of antisemitic conspiracy theories: that these entities are all under the control of …

“We need to begin our indoctrination much earlier than college.” Tel Aviv, May 24 – Activists working to promote academic, commercial, and political boycotts of Israel are aiming to place their allies on the committee that represents parents at a North Tel Aviv nursery school, PreOccupied Territory has learned. Representatives of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions( …

The eat-all-the-junk-food-you-want-as-long-as-you-think-nobody-is-looking diet is the latest thing. Savyon, May 17 – Trendy Israelis have begun to embrace a new regimen for controlling food intake, inspired by the discipline of a prominent Palestinian prisoner, that only reckons calories from food not eaten on the toilet, in the closet, slouching down in the car, or otherwise concealed …

“I wonder if he’s ever been exposed to the elements foo more than a minute or two in his life,” remarked Hadas Hel, a guide at the site. Masada, Judean Desert, May 15 – Administrators of the archaeological park centered on this ancient hilltop fortress worried today that whoever advised US President Donald Trump to deliver …

The three-week campaign leading up to this week’s vote was marred by acrimonious exchanges. Or Akiva, May 11 – A high school junior who ran an unsuccessful campaign to lead the student government has accused Russian President Vladimir Putin’s government of meddling in the election, and called on the school administration to conduct an investigation. …

“Won’t someone think of the children?” Ramat Gan, May 7 – Last week’s performance of teen heartthrob entertainer Justin Bieber in Yarkon Park has many Israelis wondering whether they might be better off if Israel were in fact the target of a broad boycott by artists and other public figures. Bieber’s concert last Wednesday drove …

“Good Lord, get that thing away from me,” chirped the cockatiel. “Have you no sense of decency?”

The old units will be given to the Postal Authority, which sees as its mission to keep its methods firmly planted in a previous era. Jerusalem, April 27 – The National Insurance Institute, Vehicle Licensing Authority, Ministry of the Interior, and other government entities that receive the public have begun installing more soul-sucking machines in …

“In terms of always wondering when you might ever feel a full stomach again, I got that.” Givatayim, April 23 – A local resident told reporters on Holocaust Remembrance Day that because he is adhering to a regimen that restricts his intake of carbohydrates, he is better able to empathize with concentration camp prisoners who …