Showing 481–540 of 596 articles · Page 9 of 10
Cumin Rights Watch Says Israel Treating Activists As Spice Israel has mustard significant personnel for this purpose. Basil, Switzerland, October 8 – Executive Director of Cumin Rights Watch Fennel Roth told reporters today that Israel is treating his oreganozation’s personnel as spice, and illegally restricting their movemint. Roth called a press conference to accuse the Jewish State of implementing anise-pecially harsh policy on his group’s …
Ancient Mosaic Reveals Byzantines Were Made Of Tile, Mortar “Why did they disappear as suddenly as they appeared in history? These are all tantalizing, mystifying issues.” Kiryat Malachi, September 30 – Archaeologists studying a newly discovered mosaic in this southern town expressed satisfaction at the level of detail preserved in the find this week, noting that the work evidently shows that people, animals, and …
Israel Officially Apologizes For Producing Uri Geller Ministry spokeswoman Loma Amin said that on behalf of the people of Israel, the government apologizes to the world both for producing and tolerating such a fraud, and for taking this long to acknowledge it. Jerusalem, September 20 – Saying it had taken far too long, an official for Israel’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs issued …
Bin Laden Blending In Seamlessly In Bnei Brak Saddam Hussein is similarly living unmolested in the area. Bnei Brak, September 10 – Four years after his death was faked at a villa in Pakistan, 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden has made a smooth transition to the lifestyle of a Haredi Israeli. The Saudi billionaire-turned-terrorism-financier-turned-ultra-Orthodox-Jew seldom ventures out of this city near Tel Aviv, since …
Haaretz To Boycott Israeli Advertisers Haaretz’s new policy will take effect on the first day of October to avoid the complications of advertising packages already sold to Israeli companies and organizations. Tel Aviv, September 6 – The editorial board at Israel’s Haaretz daily voted this morning for consistency’s sake to to eschew advertising from Israeli entities, officially adopting BDS as …
Confused Guides Offering Sanatorium Tours For Asylum-Seekers “You’d have to be, well, crazy not to see the potential of this.” South Tel Aviv, August 31 – Tour guides around the country expressed bewildered amusement at the macabre tastes of visitors from Africa, but are nevertheless preparing to accommodate the thousands of asylum-seekers by offering tours of mental health facilities. A spokesman for the …
Israel Makes Green Line Red So Obama Will OK Crossing It “I’m surprised they didn’t think of this several years ago when Obama first let Assad cross red lines,” said commentator Chava Daum. Tel Aviv, August 26 – Israeli publishers will begin printing the 1949 cease-fire lines with Egypt and Jordan in red, instead of the original green, so that US President Barack Obama will no …
Angry Dad: IDF Won’t Rent Out Sniper To Use On Daughter’s Boyfriend The father was heard to refer to several IDF officers by various unprintable names, and to question, inter alia, their parentage, masculinity, patriotism, morality, courage, intelligence, and mental stability. Kfar Sava, August 21 – A local father flew into a rage today upon discovering that the military would not allow him to pay for one of its …
New Lotto Game: Name Next Pretext For Palestinian Violence It leverages the expertise that every Israeli claims in political and security affairs, and lets them put their money were their mouths are. Tel Aviv, August 17 – Israel’s lottery administration announced a new game today, in which players can bet on what various Palestinian groups will use as the pretext for the next bout of …
Google To Change Alphabetical Order; Israel Branch Tasked Google Israel representative Etaoin Shrdlu anticipates that schools, phone companies, and other organizations that depend on alphabetization will almost all adopt the new alphabet order by 2025. Hertzliya, August 12 – Just days after announcing its reorganization under a new parent company called Alphabet, internet giant Google announced plans for rearrangement of the actual alphabet …
Bigots Worried Gay Pride Stabbing Will Give Them Bad Name “Please judge each of us by our own despicable behavior and discourse, not that of a completely separate hateful individual.” Jerusalem, August 7 – Israelis who believe people who are different from them do not enjoy the same human rights as others expressed concern this week that society might judge them negatively as a result of …
LGBTs Charge Prejudice In Banning Of ‘Trans’ Fats “There are plenty of strategies to promote public health in the dietary realm that do not require the government to flagrantly target a persecuted minority,” said Liss. Jerusalem, August 5 – Activists from the LGBT community called for protests today in response to a pending Ministry of Health regulation that would ban the use of …
Report: Oh, @&$#!, Not Again The recent episodes strengthened the assessment among Israelis that the $#!t has seriously hit the goddamn fan. Jerusalem, July 31 – In the day following a stabbing attack on the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade and a fatal arson attack on a Palestinian family, officials say evidence is mounting that Oh, @&$#! why is this happening …
Israelis Who Still See Abbas As Credible Peace Partner Gather In Kiosk “We managed to achieve a ratio of European journalists to participants of exactly three to one, if you count the proprietor of the place.” Tel Aviv, July 27 – A coalition of peace activists who still believe Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas can be counted on to arrive at and implement a final-status agreement with Israel convened …
Israelis Puzzled That EU Thinks Anyone Can Get A Mortgage These Days Israelis voiced confusion today after the recommendation was reported, as no one seems to be able to secure a mortgage anyway, or knows anyone who has. Jerusalem, July 22 – A European think tank recommended that the European Union adopt sanctions against Israeli banks that provide mortgages for Israelis to acquire property in East Jerusalem, …
Israeli Startup Creates Popular BDS-Coordinating Apps “By selling our product and follow-on support to BDS movement coordinators from here in Israel, we recouped the initial investment capital within six months of going to market.” Herzliya Pituach, July 17 – Amid the dense concentration of high-tech companies with headquarters or development centers in this city north of Tel Aviv, the relatively unknown …
Rapper 50 Cent Promoted In Israel As 1.89 Shekel “We always go the extra 1.60934 kilometers for our entertainment partners.” Tel Aviv, July 13 – An Israeli entertainment marketing contractor is facing confusion from fans and anger from its overseas client after converting rap artist 50 Cent’s name into the equivalent value in shekels to announce his planned appearance. Curtis Jackson III, who uses the …
Ynet Introduces Maximum IQ For Comment Submissions “Our brand carries a certain set of associations, and an erudite readership is not something we see ourselves as having,” said the site’s managing editor, Daili Mell. Tel Aviv, July 8 – Israel’s largest provider of online news and analysis announced today that it would soon impose a ceiling on the level of intelligence that would …
Israel Suppressing Islamic Culture By Reducing Honor Killings The conference called on international bodies such as UNESCO to protect the cherished practice from Israeli “cultural genocide.” Jerusalem, July 2 – Islamic scholars and leaders gathered in the Jordanian capital city of Amman to denounce Israel for suppressing the ancient Islamic culture by attempting to eliminate the murders of women accused of bringing dishonor on …
Archaeologists Unearth Oldest ‘Shimon Peres Is So Old’ Joke The new discovery pushes back the currency of the trope a further four hundred years, making it almost as old as Peres. Mareisha, Israel, June 24 – Researchers excavating a site from the period of the Biblical King David have discovered what many are calling the oldest yet reference to Shimon Peres as ridiculously old. Last …
Somebody Apparently Buying, Eating Krembos “I’m sure there are plenty of uses for Krembo that don’t involve putting it inside your body.” Ramat Gan, June 18 – Food retailers across the country report that despite the manifestly non-edible nature of the Krembo snack, somebody is evidently buying – and, apparently, eating – them in large quantities. The Krembo, a marshmallow-creme-topped …
Candy To Celebrate Palestinian Deaths Inexplicably Selling Badly He assumed, based on media coverage of right-wing Jews, that the latter would respond with open pocketbooks. Jerusalem, June 11 – An entrepreneur who hoped to be the first to open an untapped market in Israel admitted error in gauging the size of that market, and that there appeared to be no demand for candy …
FIFA: Israelis Forced To Continue Playing, Watching Football Israelis will continue to be subjected to fans pathetically referring to their favorite team as “we.” Tel Aviv, June 4 – Palestinian withdrawal last week of a FIFA resolution to expel Israel from membership in the international organization means Israelis will continue to face the horrors associated with participating in and observing international soccer competitions. Palestinian …
Hamas Members Complain About Not Meeting OneRepublic “One selfie with us wouldn’t hurt, would it?” Gaza City, May 29 – In the wake of a picture showing popular band OneRepublic visiting IDF soldiers manning an Iron Dome battery, Hamas militants have complained about being denied a visit by the clearly Zionist-brainwashed group. OneRepublic toured Israel ahead of their concert in Tel Aviv’s HaYarkon Park …
Hamas Songwriter Scores Gig As Bar Mitzva DJ “I might just bomb,” he said. “But that I’m used to.” Shuja’iyya, Gaza Strip, May 27 – Fredj Al-Julsun, 27, never knew just a year ago that his foray into composing propaganda songs for the Islamist group Hamas would lead to career opportunities beyond the beleaguered confines of the Gaza Strip. But now, after his …
Siblings Accuse Teen Who Cleans Room Of ‘Normalization’ “Any contention that the parental entities somehow have a claim to this territory is simply a falsification of history and serves to legitimize the occupation.” Raanana, May 19 – A local high-schooler has been ostracized by her brother and sister for tacitly endorsing their parents’ demands that the children of the family take care of themselves …
Study: You Should Put A Hat On That Child The study looked at the reactions of 30 women to the way you had chosen to attire your child for the 300-meter trip. Jerusalem, May 11 – A survey of fellow pedestrians and other individuals whom you passed with your baby indicates that you should definitely put a hat on that child. The poll, conducted this …
Protest Dispersal Station Now Fully Armed, Operational Not everyone is thrilled with the deployment of the new device, specifically because of its capacity to stifle democratic protests. Jerusalem, May the 4th – Amid a wave of protests against police brutality and discrimination against citizens of Ethiopian origin, the Ministry of Internal Security unveiled a new device capable of dispersing entire demonstrations. Two large …
Israel Copyrights Mention Of Islamophobia, Putting Haters In Bind Editor’s note: Israel Military Industries gave its consent to the use of the term “Islamophobia” in this article. Tel Aviv, April 27 – A government-owned Israeli corporation secured rights to use of the term “Islamophobia” this week, putting it in position to profit from the profligately used word, a company spokesman said today. Additionally, said …
Despite Low Education, Haredim Excelling At Multiplying The report also recommended further study of the news media, which, although largely composed of Liberal Arts majors, demonstrates an ability to divide that heretofore has been considered the exclusive province of mathematical experts. Bnei Brak, April 20 – Dismal matriculation rates and lack of meaningful basic mathematics education among Israel’s ultra-Orthodox has apparently not …
Kim/Kanye Visit Makes Wall Actually Wail The media hullabaloo surrounding the impending arrival at the Wailing Wall of the mega-star couple drove home to the sacred Temple remnant just how far humanity has sunk. Jerusalem, April 13 – One of the last remnants of King Herod’s magnificent Temple structure released an audible cry this morning after being informed that Kanye West …
Market Report: Chametz Futures Down Bread, pizza, and cookie futures began falling late last week, followed more modestly by cakes, pies, crackers and pretzels. Tel Aviv, April 2 – Commodities traders in Israel have noticed a recent decrease in the price of futures for potentially leavened grain products, a seasonal dip that almost always occurs in the late winter and early …
Wet Winter Threatens J-Street’s Supply Of Straw Men Painting the Right as irredeemably extreme serves J-Street as a classic straw man argument, using large quantities of the agricultural by-product. Tel Aviv, March 25 – The relatively heavy precipitation of the last several months in Israel has severely reduced the availability of dried grain stalks, the defining component of the straw men used by J-Street …
Elders Of Zion Invite Wrong Zoabi To Meeting The damage control turned out to be unnecessary, as the call was conducted using the Cellcom mobile network, and nothing was heard. Savyon, Israel, March 22 – The secret cabal behind all of the world’s major affairs scrambled to perform damage control today after requesting the presence of firebrand Arab MK Hanin Zoabi at a …
Ynet Reports Fake Stock Exchange Figures; No One Notices “Anyone who is in a position to know or care that our numbers are a crock doesn’t use Ynet for business news anyway.” Tel Aviv, March 12 – The popular Hebrew news website Ynet has been using completely random figures each day in its breaking news feed to report on securities trading, but readers have …
Teva Pharmaceuticals Caught Selling Drugs “The sheer audacity of the Teva enterprise is stunning,” said Ministry of Health spokesman Avi Uss. Petah Tikva, Israel, March 5 – One of the world’s largest pharmaceutical manufacturers has been caught dealing drugs, Israeli regulatory authorities announced today, and has been doing so in one form or another for more than a hundred years. …
Secret Codes To Control World Economy Accidentally Tweeted Later in the day the Supreme Council of Elders convened and issued a new protocol intended to prevent a recurrence of the leak. Tel Aviv, February 26 – A rare mistake today by one of the shadowy Elders of Zion resulted in the temporary publication of secret codes used to manipulate the worldwide financial markets …
Idiotic, Selfish Behavior In Snow Surging In Popularity Among Israelis “The stereotype of Israelis is smart, but man, that is not in evidence today.” Jerusalem, February 21 – Residents of this city are reporting an upswing in stupidity and narcissism related to snow, matching a national trend. The second snowfall of the season hit Jerusalem Thursday night and Friday, bringing out the irresponsible jerk in …
Israel Declares Day Of Mourning Over Death Of Nutella Maker Pop icon Shlomo Artzi famously smeared Nutella all over his body before performances throughout the 1970’s, sparking a trend among Israeli women eager to use the treat to maintain youthful, supple skin. Jerusalem, February 15 – Already grieving over the death of an Israeli-Danish Jew in yesterday’s Copenhagen synagogue attack, Israel was buffeted today by …
Haaretz, NY Times To Stop Reporting Antisemitism “Giving coverage to attacks on Jews would only encourage more such attacks.” Tel Aviv, February 9 – Two major international daily publications announced this morning (Monday) that they would no longer publish news stories involving incidents of Jew-hatred. The New York Times and Israel’s Haaretz daily published a notice in their print editions today announcing the …
‘Buji’ Herzog Snags Last Remaining Stupid Nickname Future leaders will be forced to bear nicknames that do not prompt people to wonder what the hell they were thinking. Tel Aviv, February 2 – Opposition Leader and current election frontrunner Isaac Herzog confirmed today that his moniker “Buji” was the last idiotic nickname available, leaving none for any other politicians. For decades, Israeli …
New Public Works Projects To Bring Jerusalem Into 20th Century Alleyways that previously could only allow two people to pass abreast now have the capacity for an entire pedestrian to trip into one of the many open ditches and break as many as eighteen bones at once. Jerusalem, January 26 – A new series of road and infrastructure improvements to the capital city began last …
Hebrew Language Academy Flummoxed By ‘In The Black’ “We can’t wrap our heads around that idea,” admitted a committee member. Jerusalem, January 20 – Israel’s authority on the proper Hebrew equivalent to vernacular terms adopted into the language has declined to translate foreign terms referring to a positive balance in one’s bank account, an official with the organization told reporters today, saying they saw such …
Harper-Collins Releases Map For Israelis With No Muslim Countries New York, January 12 – Publishing giant Harper-Collins announced today that it will soon issue an atlas for Israeli grade-school students that does not include the names of any Muslim or Arab countries, a launch that the company says is intended to atone for its earlier publication of an atlas for Muslim countries that does …
Israel Bracing For Storm Of “So Much For Global Warming” Remarks Jerusalem, January 6 – Meteorologists and Israeli government officials are warning residents and visitors alike to prepare for a major storm of remarks questioning the validity of climate change observations and predictions, in reaction to an anticipated snowfall and lower-than-average temperatures. Parts of Israel other than the mountainous Golan and Hermon areas have tended to …
Jerusalem To Cut Out Middle Man, Make Sidewalks Of Dog Poop Jerusalem, December 31 – Mayor Nir Barkat approved a measure today to save the Municipality of Jerusalem millions of shekels annually by paving streets and sidewalks directly with dog droppings instead of laboriously laying bricks or asphalt and then bringing in dog owners to leave their pets’ deposits everywhere. The Pavement Orifice Output Project (POOP) will combine …
Ancient Jews Conspired To Legitimize Modern Settlements Shiloh, Occupied West Bank, December 24 – Archaeologists have unearthed a vast conspiratorial effort by ancient Israelites to make Jews living in Palestine 3,000 years later look indigenous, scholars are reporting. Over the last century and a half, diggers have discovered a plethora of artifacts, structures, texts, and other ancient relics of Israelites putting together …
Bankrupt Families Thrilled To Be Depressed By Issue Other Than Defense Haifa, December 18 – Israeli households struggling to make ends meet are awash with gratitude over a new and more pressing source of stress than the classic challenges of hostile regimes and populations. A national poverty report released Wednesday found that more than half of Israeli families are unable to meet their expenses, including a sizable …
Palestinians Forget To Accuse Israel Also Of Beheading Abu Ein Ramallah, December 11 – Palestinian leaders are voicing regret that they left out beheading in the various conflicting descriptions of how Israeli soldiers killed a Palestinian official yesterday. Ziab Abu Ein was taking part in a rock-throwing demonstration against Israel when a tear gas canister landed near him and he collapsed. An autopsy eventually revealed …
Vandals Miffed At Not Being Praised For Waiting Till School Empty Jerusalem, December 6 – The youths who sprayed threatening and racist graffiti on the walls of a mixed Jewish and Arab school voiced frustration today that they have attracted only criticism instead of commendation for acting only when no one was at the site. The small group of vandals who perpetrated an alleged “price tag” …
Cricket Judge Death Shocks Israel With Existence Of Cricket Ashdod, November 29 – An umpire at an informal game of cricket died this afternoon after being struck by the ball, sending shock waves throughout the country as people discovered the sport exists. The 58-year-old man was hit in the chest and taken by paramedics to the hospital, where he was pronounced dead several hours later. …
American Expats Looking Forward To Pale Imitation Of Thanksgiving Tel Aviv, November 23 – Residents of Israel who spent their formative years in the US are eagerly anticipating Thanksgiving celebrations this Thursday that will invariably fail to live up to their hype, sources close to the expatriate community reported today. The Association of Americans and Canadians in Israel, a group providing resources and cultural …
Ashdod Chapter of KKK Struggling To Recruit Ashdod, Israel, November 15 – Simmering resentment over the perceived hijacking of national purpose and purity by Jews in the government has so far failed to provide fertile recruiting grounds for the Ku Klux Klan, the head of the Ashdod chapter revealed today. The Ku Klux Klan, long known for its vocal opposition to blacks, …
Palestinian Accidentally Stabs Israeli, Accidentally Tries To Snatch Gun Tel Aviv, November 10 – A Palestinian youth at a Tel Aviv train station was arrested today after mistakenly stabbing an Israeli soldier and unintentionally grabbing the man’s weapon, police report. The youth, from the west Bank town of Nablus, accidentally wrestled with the soldier after unwittingly attempting to seize the soldier’s rifle. The two …
Tel Aviv, November 4 – A Maccabi Tel Aviv soccer player who defended himself against the assault of a fan who ran onto the field now faces condemnation from the United Nations for his actions. In last night’s match between Tel Aviv’s rival HaPoel and Maccabi clubs, a fan of HaPoel ran onto the field …
Israeli Scientists Find Way To Spread Autism With Ebola Cure Ramat Aviv, Israel, October 29 – Researchers at Tel Aviv University announced today a startling breakthrough in the fight against Ebola, revealing that the serum they had developed both cures the patient of Ebola and simultaneously gives the patient autism. Israeli scientists have been trying for more than a decade to piggyback autism on other …
Elvis Presley To Play Israel In May 2015 Tel Aviv, October 22 – Music fans in Israel will be treated to four live shows by legendary rock musician Elvis Presley this coming spring, local promoters announced today. King Promotions, a Tel-Aviv-based agency, announced that in May next year, the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll will perform in Tel Aviv, Haifa, Jerusalem, and Beer …
Police Allege Conspiracy To Make Israel Safest Place In Mideast For Arabs “It takes considered, calculated forethought to perpetrate this kind of policy.” Jerusalem, October 15 – A police investigation has uncovered what officials say is convincing evidence that Israel is attempting to develop and maintain its status as the safest place in the region for Arabs to live, a spokesman for the police force said today. …
Ministry Of Douchebaggery Extends Shirtless Jogging Season Tel Aviv, October 9 – Minister of Douchebaggery Aluf Arss introduced a new douchebag timetable yesterday morning, announcing that jogging or otherwise engaging in public athletic activity while shirtless would be officially sanctioned through November and December, and resume in March. The previous schedule endorsed the behavior only from May through September. The new policy …
Only Remaining Untainted Candidate For Police Chief A Turnip Jerusalem, October 1 – Police officials announced today that the vast majority of potential successors to the police commissioner have been eliminated from contention, ruling out everyone but a turnip in the Machane Yehuda market. Corruption scandals and incompetence have plagued the Israel Police for years, but the scale of the phenomenon has reached a …