Israel

Visitors who did manage to get to the front before despairing still faced several classic hurdles of Israeli bureaucracy, including the old standby of demanding a document that none of the instructions called for. Jerusalem, August 31 – Management of an ad hoc rapid-result testing facility at a shopping mall and movie theater complex in …

The virus has trouble determining its host’s politics in non-political settings. Tel Aviv, August 19 – A local pathogen confessed its chagrin today upon realizing that before invading the cells of its current host and hijacking their nucleic processes to produce more viruses, it neglected to examine the views and behavior of said host to …

Violent demonstrations occur much more frequently in Israel than does baseball. Jerusalem, August 11 – Israeli officials have decided to take a play from the American playbook: they will leverage the country’s second-ever attainment of an Olympic gold medal to generate publicity by tapping the medalist to launch various events, much in the way various celebrities …

“You have to have some backup plan, some go-to technique to deflect, distract, or delay until they get sidetracked.” Jerusalem, August 2 – With July gone and less than a month remaining until school reopens, a local primary school student has maintained remarkable discipline regarding the assignments his teachers gave him to do during vacation, …

Contrast this with even such untamed locations as the urban jungle of New York City, where almost by default, people waiting at a stop will form a neat line. Jerusalem, July 22 – Users of the electric trolley system in Israel’s capital continue to encounter difficulty when faced with the need to make room for disembarking riders …

Spotting Jews will become a matter of seconds, rather than having to ask around, which can waste precious minutes during an altercation in which a Jew might defend himself. Lod, July 13 – Israeli law enforcement officials told Jewish community leaders in this poor, ethnically-polarized town today that it would be easier to keep their …

“Our society needs to be shaken up, maybe even burnt down to the foundation, and then rebuilt. Like that place over on Shiloh Street I’ve had my eye on.” Jerusalem, July 4 – An area vandal who bills himself as “anti-capitalist” and “anti-establishment,” and whose spray-paint creations lament the loss of “authentic” local culture, acknowledged …

Palestine must be ruled by the descendants of those plants, and of course Palestinians are those descendants. Ramallah, June 23 – An advocate for removing Jewish sovereignty from the Holy Land in favor of an Arab Islamic state, who also believes that the existence of British-issue currency from the Mandate period before Israel declared statehood …

“We certainly don’t want the people who pay our salaries to realize our work here is no longer as necessary!” Jerusalem, June 14 – Israel swore in its most diverse government in history today, including an unprecedented number of women, at least one gay cabinet minister, and, in a first, coalition membership by an explicitly …

“Did those new clothes disappear?” Jerusalem, June 6 – A local couple voiced puzzlement today at the fact that they have, over the last three months, parted with upwards of six hundred shekels to procure garments, footwear, and accessories for their thirteen-year-old, resulting in a sartorial excess that her closet, shelves, and drawers cannot contain, …

Observers remarked on the speed with which the thugs made the pivot to, and then away from, targeting Jews en masse. Umm El-Fahm, May 26 – Thugs unable to take their aggression out on Jews in Israel following belated police suppression of pogroms in Lod, Ramle, Haifa, Acco, the Negev, and elsewhere over the last …

“All the unrest you have experienced this week is merely anti-Zionist, and you may therefore unburden yourselves of the anxiety over antisemitism.” Lod, May 13 – Law enforcement authorities in Israel sought to assuage the fears of Jewish residents in this mixed town on the country’s coastal plain that the riots, synagogue-burning and desecration, looting, …

“Get up to forty percent off on items or services that our records indicate you have purchased exactly zero times in the five years you have banked with us!” Jerusalem, April 26 – The financial institution through which you conduct most of your day-to-day financial affairs called today to inform you they are happy to inform you …

“Who wants three-week-old meat when fresh chametz is all the rage?” Jerusalem, April 15 – Actuaries and gambling analysts released their predictions for the next week, including an item that gives a better-than-three-to-one likelihood that an aluminum pan of brisket remaining from the Pesach holiday two weeks ago will continue to languish in its current …

“There are no bathrooms right outside the zoo, so let’s just say avoid that spot over there behind the trees.” Jerusalem, April 6 – A couple with four children who decided a visit to the city’s largest picturesque and eclectic menagerie of creatures would provide them with an enjoyable way to spend a day of …

“Crap. I just remembered Eddie Van Halen is dead.” Jerusalem, March 24 – Middle-aged residents of this city and others in the Western world who grew up referring to songs popular when their own mothers and fathers were growing up as “oldies” voiced indignation today upon hearing the word in reference to the contemporary music of …

He brushed aside concerns that the Municipality of Jerusalem is not a party to the case, which focuses on actions by the Government of Israel. Jerusalem, March 15 – A resident of this country’s capital voiced his readiness to serve as a witness for the prosecution at the International Criminal Court investigation into alleged war …

“We recommend visiting the site when fewer users are likely to be on, such as in four or five months.” Jerusalem, March 4 – The Ministry of Health launched a new initiative in the last several weeks, under which people carrying certification that they have undergone the full immunization regimen against SARS-CoV-2 may enjoy unrestricted admittance …

“You have to go to like a foreign country or something to encounter something like this. Or leave Tel Aviv, which is functionally the same thing.” Tel Aviv, February 23 – Municipal welfare personnel voiced perplexity today upon encountering a bizarre family situation – native Israeli parents of secular mindset who gave a name to …

“I’ve chosen to show affection to those who might not get that kind of attention around here. I do hope they like my apple pie.” Kissufim, Southern Israel, February 11 – A resident of this pastoral community near the Islamist-controlled Gaza Strip boasted today that she maintains a stockpile of fresh cakes and pastries just …

The Konfirmation: Israelites Kommit Evil (KIKE) principle. Tel Aviv, February 4 – A survey of media principles covering violence between Jews and non-Jews revealed an underlying mechanism that offers a scientific explanation for the way journalists report on it, researchers disclosed today: stories about Jews suffering violence from non-Jews, especially Muslim Arabs, can only exist with mention …

A cardinal sin of cultural commentary. Tel Aviv, January 26 – A writer for Israel’s flagship left-leaning news outlet sparked an uproar today when her article comparing the home-delivery offerings of various restaurants in this city of 436,000 included not a single dig at Netanyahu or his right-wing allies, in defiance of established precedent among the …

“One wonders how a business can even function if it focuses only on production, quality control, marketing, management, and accounting.” Jerusalem, January 14 – Proprietors of a neighborhood establishment specializing in pastries, breads, and various confections has to date not voiced opinions on behalf of the enterprise regarding the ongoing political turmoil in the US, …

“It’s pointless to stop me from yelling at the top of my lungs in the immediate vicinity of up to dozens of other people at a time.” Tel Aviv, January 6 – Israelis reacted with horror today to a suggestion that the arrival in the country several weeks ago of a serum to induce immunity to the …

“Essentially, people are morons.” Jerusalem, December 28 – Opponents of intrusive, controlling measures on public and some private behavior to prevent the spread of a deadly pathogen have faced an uphill battle in their campaign to convince government figures not to impose draconian restrictions that undermine civil liberties, activists acknowledged today, given that the way …

The Maccabees’ principal foe was not, as many assume, the Seleucid Empire, but the assimilated, Hellenized Jews of the era. Tel Aviv, December 17 – A staunchly secular resident of this prosperous city on the Mediterranean voiced her relief today that the eight-day Jewish festival of lights will conclude soon, as she has grown tense with the knowledge that …

“What’s next, lava? Little pockets of sulfuric acid?” Jerusalem, December 8 – A worker at one of Israel’s prominent bakery and confection chains voiced concern today, as he injected a doughnut with an expensive, dangerous substance, that perhaps there exists the possibility that such establishments seeking to outdo one another in vying for customers before …

“I even offered to send Jack Dorsey samples to prove it, but nothing.” Bat-Yam, November 26 – Sources close to the father of a local family reported today that he has yet to receive an explanation from the social media giant Twitter as to its failure to date to indicate his wife’s mother’s post last …

The hellbound descendant of apes and pigs stampeded home a hybrid compact and proceeded to trample his way to the kitchen, where his insatiable rapacious Zionist maw devoured a helpless bowl of Kellogg’s corn flakes with milk. Jerusalem, November 18 – A Jewish settler followed up on his desecration of the Haram al-Sharif through his …

Not a single victim of the flooding mentioned malevolence on the part of the Israeli military or Netanyahu-led government. Yavne, November 9 – The first major rainfall of the season struck the plains west of Jerusalem last week, resulting in the overflow of drainage systems in streets, but that for some reason did not prompt …

Barghouti paused for several seconds, then continued. “What’s the opposite of impotence?” Tel Aviv, October 29 – Bloomfield Stadium in this teeming Israeli city hosts concerts in addition to its everyday function as an elite soccer venue, but the raging global SARS-CoV-2 pandemic has led to the cancelation of any such entertainment events for the …

A key environmental element that many families cannot hope to replicate to a sufficient degree on their own. Jerusalem, October 20 – Distance learning has posed numerous logistical, financial, and parenting challenges for the vast majority of families, but one enterprising couple has managed to replicate the environment to which their children had become accustomed …

Opinion of the police deteriorated from at or slightly better than opinion of COVID in April to demonstrably worse at present. Tel Aviv, October 8 – A deadly pandemic ravaging the globe garners a more favorable opinion among Israel’s public than does the country’s chief law enforcement body, a new survey has found. Polling agency …

Tightened restrictions imposed over the weekend exacerbated the domestic tensions, but the digging that began toward the end of August cemented their descent into the loony bin. Jerusalem, September 24 – A piece of heavy construction equipment demonstrated no awareness today that the noise and ground vibrations resulting from its activities over the last several …

Customer space is limited to six visitors at once, and the office never has on duty more than two or three clerks to serve the hundreds of people who require their services. Jerusalem, September 14 – Reduced staff and limits on the number of customers who may occupy the facility at any time, to help …

“I’ve gotten my friends to give him the silent treatment, but some of them don’t understand the seriousness of the situation, and they’re lax about it, or don’t adhere to it when they think I’m not paying attention.” Giv’atayim, September 3 – A local high-schooler voiced irritation today as national media waxed messianic about open …

She conducted at least two raids to obtain blood from human capillaries, one of which proved successful. Jerusalem, August 25 – An insect forced to spend all of its life in the confines of a residence where a single family of humans, including you, has closed itself off as much as possible from the rest …

Israeli travelers took to focusing on what they do best while out of the country: making themselves and their countrymen look like spoiled, whiny, provincial ingrates. Ramat HaSharon, August 17 – Word of the developing diplomatic and commercial ties between Israel and several of the Persian Gulf states has sparked excitement among the Jewish state’s …

“Suck our exhaust, never-in-the-shade Donald Trump Bus Stop Shelter at Geha Interchange!” Maaleh Gerah, August 6 – Municipalities around Israel that sought to put themselves on the map by capturing the attention of a narcissistic American president with gestures expressing gratitude for his adoption of policies and positions more in line with Israeli nationalist sensibilities than …

“Free the Palestinian people from the yoke of Zionist oppression that has raised Arab incomes, life expectancy, and health care, and freedom indicators far beyond those of their neighbors.” Marmara, Turkey – A group of human rights activists vowed today to break through what they called Israel’s “immoral, illegal, and deadly siege” of Arab homes …

“You’d think that as members of a tribe that has sat at the crux of global finance for generations, they might have some clue as to their status, but none seem to.” B’nei B’rak, July 16 – Residents of this entirely-ultra-orthodox city, the second-most-impoverished in the nation according to Central Bureau of Statistics data, possess …

“We find slightly more support for the idea that Israel should rely on existential enemies to help guarantee its security.” Jerusalem. July 8 – Ministry of Health pronouncements governing public behavior during the current second wave of the coronavirus pandemic in Israel have nearly the same level of consistency, clarity, and persuasive power as any …

“Allowing Israelis to be subject to the vagaries of inclement weather leaves open the possibility of denying Israel controls the weather at all.” Ashkelon, June 29 – Residents of this southern coastal city and their compatriots around the country expressed confusion and frustration today in the face of a second major spike in temperatures expected …

“You haven’t lived until you’ve celebrated a national championship by chanting, ‘ein Aravim, ein piggu’im.’” Jerusalem, June 17 – Staunch supporters of this capital city’s yellow-and-black-clad soccer team remain unable to bring their anti-Arab animus to games at Teddy Stadium, as the raging global pandemic keeps the sport on hold, local sources report, and forces …

A handful of conscientious citizens even cover their mouths. Jerusalem, June 8 – Ministry of Health officials announced promising new figures today in the battle to contain coronavirus, figures that they contend show complete effectiveness of surgical and other masks worn over the chin in preventing infection from pathogens that might otherwise get into the …

“If you’re not overdrawn on your checking account, there’s no way you’re not involved in something dirty.” Jerusalem, May 25 – A would-be philanthropist found himself in a holding cell at the Russian Compound headquarters of the Jerusalem District Police today, after he raised suspicion of illicit financial activities when he stood at the checkout …

“Having the real truth out there now is crucial, in this era of fake news and misinformation.” Nahariyya, May 14 – A resident of this sleepy city on the Mediterranean voiced satisfaction today after he submitted the latest of what now number more than seven thousands responses to a social media post, stating that he …

“I need to be screaming insults at customers, especially tourists, at least twenty minutes a day.” Jerusalem, May 5 – The proprietor of a spice, nut, and seed establishment at this city’s main open-air market voiced his continued frustration today at lockdown measures that make operating his business impracticable and financially pointless, noting in particular …

A neighbor declined to be identified by name, citing concerns of associated shame in the deeply conservative society of secular Israelis. Jerusalem, April 23 – Neighbors, relatives, and friends of a local resident expressed shock this morning upon discovering that he had purchased a coffee-colored pooch but given it a moniker other than “Shoko,” thus defying a …

“Oh, boy, yeah, dodged a bullet there,” he declared in the presence of his disappointed parents, a little too loudly. “Just crushed.” Jerusalem, April 13 – A local teenager confessed he is oh, yeah, absolutely let down at the current pandemic depriving him of the opportunity to mark his coming-of-age by declaiming a stupid homily …

He took the measures in response to the climbing figure of coronavirus patients in Israel. Jerusalem, March 31 – A local resident fearful of coronavirus decided not to wait until the eve of Passover to take certain traditional protective measures against plagues, but found himself without the materials necessary to conduct the ritual as documented, …

“Give me some time with the leaders of the parties to the conflict and I’ll get them to see the correct decision, if they know what’s good for them.” Giv’at Shmuel, March 19 – Heads of a family who have so far succeeded in preventing their offspring from killing one another amid restrictions that keep everyone …

“The two of them stared daggers at each other for a full fifteen minutes.” Ra’anana, March 10 – Students at a local high school recalled an embarrassing episode that took place on Sunday, when two of their number observed the traditional dress-up-for-Purim celebration by coming in identical philosophical positions that life has no inherent meaning …

“I only woke up like four times, not including my usual 3 AM bathroom run.” Ramat Gan, February 27 – A resident who shared his numerous ideas with his wife about getting a jump on preparations for a Jewish festival that occurs in April this year has determined that if one positions himself just right …

“No one checks because ‘Israel Bad’ drowns out all other considerations.” Jerusalem, February 19 – Failure of a restaurant customer’s attempt to con the establishment into a free meal has led him to acknowledge he underestimated the effort necessary to establish a convincing case because years of Western media and NGOs taking blatant fakery by …

“The rest of us stalwarts know better than to think anyone normal actually finds us appetizing.” Jerusalem, February 10 – Components of gift baskets that mark some observances of the Jewish new year for fruit trees voiced readiness today for their impending reprise as components of gift baskets to mark the Jewish festival of Purim …

“With this plan on the table, we can look forward to more of the same. It’s huge.” Sderot, Gaza Envelope, January 30 – Two days after US President Donald Trump’s grand announcement of a comprehensive peace plan for Israel and the Palestinians, citizens of the Jewish state have remained giddy over the prospect of no …

“We should sue.” Sderot, January 21 – A resident of this town in the Gaza Envelop district voiced anger today upon discovering that his homeowner’s policy will not cover damage caused to the residence following significant rainfall without proof of how it occurred, despite widespread media reports in the wider region of the government unleashing …

Everyone discussing Monsey and Jersey City knows gentrification is the root problem. Jerusalem, January 13 – The historic neighborhood of Nachlaot in the center of this city has seen numerous demographic shifts in its decades-long transition from slum to hipster, yet despite the phenomenon as the obvious root cause of stabbing and shooting attacks in …

Potential revenue from fines is almost an afterthought. Jerusalem, January 1 – Shocking new data have emerged showing that contrary to the widespread assumption that city employees must issue a certain minimum number of parking violation tickets per week or month, the minimum that in fact exists pertains to provoking insults or shouting by vehicle …