Israel

“Anyone who doesn’t want what I’ve made is welcome to put together a peanut butter sandwich, as always.”

According to recent studies, just four American cents per gigabyte.

“I hid it in my closet. When things calm down I’m going to put it back in the shelter and pretend nothing changed.”

“If I ever want to dig here again, under Palestinian, uh, protection, I’m going to have to… interpret these findings in a way that supports, rather than undermines, the ancient Palestinian claim.”

Every open space in Israel is expected to feature bonfires large enough to reduce the god to gooey, caramelized deliciousness.

The effort made to inform every single relevant person, plus several hundred thousand irrelevant persons, is ongoing. Jerusalem, April 9 – A poll of Israelis conducted over the last several days has determined that fewer than ten of the country’s Jewish population of approximately seven million still do not know that the leavened-grain-free diet mandated …

“We won’t let Bib and Ben-Gvir do this,” asserted Dafna Shoham from her chaise longue at Bograshov Beach. Jerusalem, March 27 – Students, faculty, public sector workers, and other members of Israel’s largest labor union agreed today that the ongoing protests against the Netanyahu government’s proposed changes to various elements of the justice system have …

The living room and kitchen, where the demonstration took place, have a maximum capacity of 40 people. Pardes Ḥannah, March 22 – Two teenagers who organized a demonstration against an impending household policy to assert a greater role for the family’s father and mother in decisions that until now the children have assumed were the …

The complete lack of food ingredients makes Rabbinate certification as kosher-for-Passover a formality. Jerusalem, March 12 – What becomes of the racks and racks of masks, wigs, cloaks, and other mass-produced paraphernalia that no one bought, but occupies valuable display space in the stores? More and more in recent years, the all-plastic products wind up …

Strong evidence points to the fist light rail line in the city as the onset of the phenomenon. Jerusalem, February 28 – A new study has found that residents of Israel’s capital show a better-than-average capacity for critical thinking and hesitancy to accept information at face value without supporting evidence, born, the researchers have concluded, …

In terms of cringe, the incident even edged out the feline’s previous death: being eaten by its mother within a day or two of birth. Jerusalem, February 16 – A local feline met its grisly demise today on a stretch of wet roadway where drivers often fail to spot the traffic signal in either direction, …

He even threatened to protect those children by whatever means necessary. Jerusalem, February 8 – A local father of five continued to insist his three sons and two daughters have the right to live in peace without Palestinian gunmen, bombers, drivers, stabbers, or other attackers threatening their welfare, witnesses reported today, even after others informed him not …

“Obviously we can’t just call the phenomenon false. Imagine what that would do to our funding!” Ramallah, January 30 – Researchers documenting the plight of Palestinians ethnically cleansed from their homes to make room for housing whenever new immigrants arrive in Israel have discovered that despite the attention the phenomenon receives from activists and political …

“It’s obviously not his direct doing, and he’s actually kind of shy.” Kiryat Bialik, January 19 – Visitors to the online location of a local ensemble’s principal social media presence have viewed its contents and determined that in contrast to the prevailing assumption that the group uses the medium to promote itself as a group, …

“Another incoming customer was actually reaching for that cart when we snatched it away before it could victimize everyone all over again.” Jerusalem, January 10 – Quality Assurance personnel at a local maker of supermarket paraphernalia scrambled today to address an emergency situation amid reports that multiple patrons of an establishment in Israel’s capital had accomplished …

Huldai’s administration has faced allegations of insufficiently corrupt selection of the contractors engaged by the Tel Aviv-Jaffa Municipality. Tel Aviv, December 29 – Following an embarrassing episode in which city contractors painted a handicapped-only parking spot around an already-parked car and then had the car towed, Tel Aviv Mayor Ron Huldai apologized for the incident, …

Waiting for other passengers to get off the train before pushing one’s way into it appears to lie beyond even the advanced capacity of the Israeli mind. Jerusalem, December 21 – A country that consistently ranks in the top tier of societies producing the most forward-looking, innovative products across multiple industries has yet to master …

Regular parking enforcement will continue as before. Jerusalem, December 12 – The municipal government of Israel’s capital has hit upon an innovative method to increase cash flow into its coffers: issue tickets to residents who do not own a motor vehicle but who inspectors have assessed are the type of people to disregard signs and …

“I’m beginning to think there’s something deeper going on.” Haifa, December 1 – The ethnoreligious group harassed and berated for centuries with cries rejecting them from their host societies and urging them to return to their country of ethnogenesis did exactly that in large numbers over the last hundred-fifty years, only to face the same objection …

For unclear reasons he styles himself a sophisticate and feels the need to proclaim he likes it. Jerusalem, November 22 – A recent “oleh” from the US has decided to immerse himself in the fusion of cultures that characterizes Israel’s cuisine, with fare that goes far beyond the pale imitation of Levantine dishes that he encountered …

“We had some anticipation of a windfall over the next several months, perhaps up to two years out,” acknowledged Lufthansa spokesman Gerhardt von Stupp. Ben-Gurion International Airport, November 10 – Representatives of the dozens of carriers offering passenger service to destinations from here all over the world voiced confusion today, more than a week after …

“Economic growth is a threat to all of us,” stated Arnon ben-David, Chairman of the Histadrut. Tel Aviv, November 3 – The Jewish State’s remarkable resilience of late in fostering private-sector growth has the leaders of some of the country’s largest trade and worker associations worrying that too many people might enjoy the fruits of …

“She makes coffee there for herself and a few ‘comrades’ but we all see through the pretense: she’s appropriating Palestinian culture, disposing of her waste in the once-pristine vistas of ancient Palestine.” Kiryat Ono, October 25 – A resident of this Tel Aviv suburb remains completely unaware that her mundane, everyday activities typical of a …

In what has become an almost-annual ritual, the end of summer vacation this year saw threats by Israel’s Teachers’ Union to strike unless the Ministry of Finance agreed to increase teacher salaries. Beer Sheva, September 8 – Seven school days into the 2022-2023 term, the primary faculty member educating your child voiced regret that the …

“We’d like to encourage households everywhere to embark on similar modes of behavior.” Jerusalem, August 30 – Scientists voiced cautious optimism today upon discovering that among the microorganisms festering in a local collection of wet laundry lies a previously-unknown type of mold that appears to have the potential to combat virulent infectious diseases. Microbiologists studying the biota …

“Frustration for a family that has to wade through throngs of misbehaving day-campers just to miss a shot at a bad stuffed imitation of a popular animated character… that’s what it’s all about.” Tel Aviv, August 18 – The director of a large outdoor facility offering rides, games, and other diversions acknowledged this afternoon that …

“You can’t just not go backpacking around the world after you leave the army. I think there’s even a law. Is there a law? There must be a law.” Kibbutz S’de Eliyahu, August 10 – A twenty-one-year-old resident has defied expectations of those who complete their compulsory stint in the military: unlike any of his …

Despite seeking photos or videos that would showcase the alleged brutality and wanton violence of the Israeli military, he could find precious few bona fide images of the carnage. Gaza City, August 5 – Ahmed Sinni, a Hamas and Islamic Jihad supporter, cannot decide which images to alter or reuse from unrelated conflicts for propaganda purposes, …

He will, in fact, not eat the pasty, and it will eventually grow mold, giving him no choice but to bin it. Majdal Shams, August 1 – A foil-wrapped piece of meat-filled flake-dough returned Monday to the place it has occupied for the last five weeks between the egg cartons and the left-side wall of …

“This is how they dress? They need help more than we do. Is anyone taking up a collection?” Nes Harim, July 21 – Jews who fled to the Jewish State over the last several months following Putin’s invasion voiced sympathy this week for their brethren across the Atlantic who sent garments and other perceived necessities …

“Tel Aviv, even Jerusalem, that’s where the social action action is.” Dimona, July 12 – A resident of this development town in the Negev lamented the fact that his activities to promote awareness of, and urge the adoption of mitigation measures for, environmental issues, require him to take a bus or drive for long periods …

“Games such as ‘tag’ and ‘Capture the Flag’ induce them to trample the land with their unhygienic, ‘filthy,’ if you will, feet, violating the sensibilities of Palestinians everywhere.” Jerusalem, June 30 – Progressive American NGOs have dispatched researchers to examine the activities of Zionist programs for children in Israel during July and August with an …

Cases this week included ketchup on French fries that somehow touched a hot dog that already had mustard on it. Jerusalem, June 22 – Municipal authorities opened a new file today on a family in the city following the receipt of reports that the parents had exhibited gross negligence in the form of allowing to …

When anyone challenges her on her behavior she throws out a ‘You’re attacking me because I support LGBT rights!’ Tel Aviv, June 9 – A resident of the affluent neighborhood of Ramat Aviv in the northern section of this Mediterranean city apparently believes that displaying the rainbow banner associated with the LGBTQ+ rights movement gives …

“God knows there are enough fools among tourists, and among Christians. I need only one who is both, to visit my store and buy the case.” Jerusalem, May 31 – The owner of a souvenir stall in the Old City keeps an eye out for the right mark among the thousands of foreign visitors who will …

“Our own citizens we can’t do anything about; heck, that’s our voter base.” Ben-Gurion Airport, May 19 – The Ministry of Health eliminated the requirement this week for all incoming passengers to undergo swabbing for the SARS-CoV-2 pathogen, instead leaving the Ministry of Transportation to administer arrival policy without such considerations. The latter ministry has …

Mr. Zikri refers to the group of well-paid athletes, none of whom know who he is or how much of his money and psyche he has invested in supporting them, as “we.” Jerusalem, May 11 – A resident of Israel’s capital and most populous city has outsourced his self-esteem to the fortunes of a football …

“Is this one of those things where we change the long-established definition of a term so we can paint Israel as violating it, like we did with ‘seller-colonialism,’ ‘ethnic cleansing,’ and ‘genocide’?” Tel Aviv, April 28 – The holder of a fellowship from a human-rights-monitoring NGO came to the Jewish State several days ago to …

“Abraham Accords, my foot,” he spat, using a dismissive Hebrew idiom that literally translates as “it interests my grandmother.” Ofakim, April 20 – A high schooler disparaged the unprecedented recent détente between Israel and several longtime Arab enemies by noting that the seismic geopolitical shift has no bearing on his mandated lights-out time. Maor Dadon, …

The same family also owns no television, but not because of philosophical objection to mass media content. Jerusalem, April 6 – Israel’s market for the previous generation of cellular devices now mainly features clientele who for religious and community-standards reasons use the older models, but figures aggregated from the various mobile communications companies indicate that …

“You can’t be too careful in the service of God,” the drinkers explain, intoxicated by, among other things, their pursuit of righteousness. Jerusalem, March 30 – The approaching Jewish festival of Passover, during which the Torah bars the possession, let alone consumption, of products containing or derived from leavened grain, has again featured in several …

“I suppose I could try to elicit clues in a roundabout way.” Jerusalem, March 21 – Confusion and apprehension seized a local husband today following his realization that he could not remember the exchange in which he and his spouse had just engaged, and that by absentmindedly signaling assent to her statements, he dug a hole …

The Ukraine crisis, has made the situation tense enough that his parents are primed to believe anything about Russian capabilities and intentions. Kiryat Bialik, March 10 – A local adolescent expressed relief today that Putin’s forces have been disrupting geolocation service in the region as part of their operations in and around Syria, because such disruptions …

Witnesses observed Cherniak driving the vehicle to the grocery store and back, forced to take a roundabout route because of a traffic signal that hung too low to allow the vehicle passage with its missile rack elevated to operational height. Netanya, March 1 – A resident of this coastal Mediterranean city who recently returned from …

The man gushed with the enthusiasm of someone manifestly unaware that he has been expelled, despoiled, genocided and ethnically cleansed, according to numerous international NGO reports. Fureidis, February 17 – A prominent resident of this predominantly-Arab town in northern Israel runs his business, engages in local and national politics, maintains active civic involvement, and benefits …

Experts have noted parallels between the way you can use this weather for either side of the climate argument and the way rising crime militates either for or against increased policing. Mevasseret Tzion, February 9 – The lowest sustained temperatures Israel has seen in decades – more than two weeks with the thermometer moving into …

“Nothing less than ethnic cleansing.” Gush Etzion Junction, January 31 – A leading human rights advocacy group denounced the Jewish State today following an incident in this disputed area south of Jerusalem where soldiers cleared a Palestinian family off the busy highway following an accident, a move that the group and local activists called a …

“I just hope I don’t get screwed over the way I did a few other times, and some scalper winds up with all the tests before I can get mine.” Jerusalem, January 20 – A local resident believes his dedication to acquiring tickets to performances in high demand, which often includes spending a night or …

“I hear that’s been happening a lot lately. Climate change or something. I don’t claim to be an expert.” Ra’anana, January 11 – Taking his cue from apologists for Palestinian terrorists, a junior in the local high school has taken to blaming atmospheric conditions for various pranks affecting the teachers in his classroom, despite the …

“My friends’ first reaction was to ask about the bachelor party.” Hod HaSharon, December 30 – A woman and her fiancé acknowledged this afternoon that while the two of them much prefer an intimate, wholesome celebration to accompany their upcoming nuptials, their social circle and the industry surrounding the production of their affair have aroused …

“Please respect our daughter’s privacy at this difficult time.” Jerusalem, December 22 – Relatives and friends gathered today to console a local ninth-grader who underwent the catastrophic experience today of having to transfer accumulated kitchen garbage from its receptacle in that location to a dumpster on the main road a hundred paces away to await …

“I took that as a heavenly sign endorsing my efforts to date, especially my efforts to find more donuts.” Jerusalem, December 13 – A resident who resolved to abstain from the deep-fried dough treats associated with the Jewish “Festival of Lights” following more than a week of excess indulgence in said treats reported today that …

“I can’t believe the insensitivity of these [parking enforcement] people. They have such chutzpah.” Jerusalem, December 2 – A driver who wrote an explanatory message for municipal enforcers, noting that he placed his vehicle in a zone where only local residents may do so only because he was attending a Shiva observance nearby, expressed outrage …

“Poor Sarah has to have impossible documentation, but those Bedouin get to live and build whatever they want, wherever they want?” Jerusalem, November 23 – A self-proclaimed heir to a property in the center of Israel’s capital city voiced her anger today at the double standards of local law enforcement that allow vast areas of …

Experts have known for years that monkeys pick stocks as well as experienced analysts. Tel Aviv, November 14 – Securities brokerages and bourse research companies in Israel’s financial and commercial capital began to implement new recruitment procedures today, in reaction to findings that primates picking securities investments at random do at least as well, and …

Horror upon discovering that the child failed to uphold the hamster’s gender identity, and sought to impose cisgender heterodominant hegemony. Hertzliya, November 3 – Controversy has shaken this middle-class suburb north of Tel Aviv since late last week when a school sent a seven-year-old home for referring to the class pet with a masculine pronoun, in …

The couple, who only became parents after moving to Israel, never exercised such discriminatory discipline toward their children when they still lived in Ethiopia. Mevasseret Tziyon, October 25 – Civil rights and social equality organizations condemned a local couple today for what the groups allege constitutes discriminatory treatment of disadvantaged minorities, after information came to …

Anecdotal evidence suggests previous cases have occurred. Jerusalem, October 14 – A social network aimed at facilitating and tightening connections among career-minded professionals sent one of its members an e-mail alert today, informing her that someone, somewhere, had queried the network’s database about something, and that as a consequence, her name appeared in the results. …

“If I call today I’ll probably be the first one to get an appointment in one of the prime time slots in that vast, empty schedule the clinic must have.” Jerusalem, October 4 – A resident of Israel’s capital city who apparently has learned nothing from his several decades inhabiting Israeli society remains under the bizarre …

Neither Crate & Barrel nor Fortunoff sell the patterns in question anymore. Jerusalem, September 14 – A husband and wife negotiating the terms under which they will end their marriage have managed so far to avoid acrimony regarding where the children will live, as well as the division of financial and material assets, but have …