New App Informs Drivers Which Useless NGO Blocking Traffic Today Salvage some sense of control by simply knowing whose day it is to make commuters’ lives miserable in the least politically-effective way possible.
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Israel
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New App Informs Drivers Which Useless NGO Blocking Traffic Today 
Consistent High Ranking Of Israel Among Happiest Countries Makes Man Miserable “Just blow after blow, statistics taunting me with the seeming futility of my life’s work.”
Supermarkets Banking A Little Too Much On Shoppers’ Enthusiasm For Tu BiShvat Tu BiShvat will occur this year in about four weeks.
Tel Aviv Municipality Rejects Building Design: Too Normal “We will only approve architectural designs that make a normal person question his own sanity, if not actually vomit.”
Man Insists On Using Only Potatoes In Latkes, ‘Like The Maccabees Made Them’ “Latke” originates in a Slavic term, derived ultimately from Greek word for oil – which, in turn, stems from the Greek for “olive.”
Whole Basket Of Leftover Bagels From Community Event Wont Fit In Dad’s Pockets “You don’t have a plastic bag on you, do you?”
Union of National Rubber Wig Accessories (UNRWA) Chief Declares Organization ‘Irreplaceable’ Phil Loseroni sent out a series of social media posts this morning.
International Tourism Down, Taxi Drivers Forced To Price-Gouge Israelis Seasoned Israelis will not fall for the “I give you big discount” line.
Israel Post Delivers Man His US Absentee Ballot “This might be a record,” he acknowledged.
Haifa Student In Trouble After Missing Too Many ‘How To Control US Government’ Classes It could affect his eligibility for certain positions in the military.
City Getting Desperate With New Pretexts For Street Closures City officials hesitate to admit that they aim specifically to make people’s lives miserable.
Dread Pirate Roberts Living Like King In Jerusalem Suburb The vanishingly few people privy to the secret, he led to believe that he had taken up residence in Patagonia.
Man Has Darkly Specific Ideas For Afterlife Torment Of Hezbollah Leaders He appeared oblivious to the effect his sharing had on social situations.
Driving Instructor Thinks He Just The Person To Give Teen Student Diet Advice “I’d bet there’s no one else in that girl’s life willing to speak about these things.”
Rats, Roaches Pretty Sure They’ll Finish All The Food Aid Before Leftist Group Finally Gets Around To Delivering It To Gaza “It’s primarily about feeling righteous, not about helping those who need it. I appreciate the selfishness. Game recognize game.”
Haifa Port Strike Thwarts Iranian Espionage Ops Performing up to requirement, and not coasting on union protection to maintain job security, would be a surefire way to blow cover.
Nachlaot Apartment Seller Hopes Omnipresent Stench Of Weed A Selling Point “Mothers walking their small children to and from preschool will definitely gravitate toward this lively atmosphere.”
12% Rise In Israelis Hoping Iranian Missiles Hit Noisy Neighbor’s House A jump of about 2,000 since the same time last year, when the figure stood at just under 17,000.
Expat Who Wouldn’t Have Voted Anyway Really Energized By Trump Surge “It’s going to be yuge!”
Terrorism Survivor Finds Boycott Of Palestinian Products Not Particularly Challenging “One of the easiest political acts I’ve ever done. Or not done.”
New Diet Exploits ‘Pics Or It Didn’t Happen’ Method Obesity in western countries took off around the same time as everyone posting photos of their food on social media.
Struggling Neighborhood Clearly Needs Another Short-Lived Hair Salon One man acknowledged he could tolerate a café instead of a hair or nail salon.
Violent ‘West Bank’ Palestinian Doesn’t Know What He Has To Do To Get Sanctioned By Biden Admin “If I don’t get sanctioned by Biden, does that mean I don’t rate? That I have no value?”
Celebrity Claims Was Assaulted In North Tel Aviv By Men Yelling ‘This Is Bibi Country’ “It never used to be this way. Obviously, the far-right is establishing outposts here.”
Unfamiliar Key Examined Again, Put Back In Drawer “What if it’s important?”
Lack Of Starvation In Gaza Undermining Mom’s ‘Eat Up, Children Are Starving In Gaza!’ Admonition “Gaza still hasn’t run out of food despite having only two days’ worth of food for, what, seven months?”
Man Vows To Take Moment From Yom HaAtzmaut BBQ To Feel Bad For Hostages “Brothers and sisters who have nothing to celebrate. Rutti, make sure the portable soccer goalposts are packed.”
Report: Leftover Donut From Hanukkah Probably Still Edible “All the sugar should keep it from spoiling.”
Teen’s Room Proves Rich Archaeological Trove During Passover Cleaning “The last time he changed his bedsheets? Probably sometime during the Mameluk era.”
Ants Undeterred By Oven-Cleaner Rampage Spring has brought an entirely new clutch of ants that failed to learn the lesson he had aimed to impart to their predecessors.
ADHD Management Available Via Processes ADHD Sufferers Cannot Complete ADHD symptoms typically make it inordinately difficult to begin, let alone complete, even simple tasks if the process is daunting enough.
Weather Not Quite Warm Enough For Captured-Terrorists-Handcuffed-In-Underwear Group Purim Costume Comments about the zaftig body types in the friend group led to the epiphany.
Late-Winter Mosquito Obviously A Mossad Mini-Drone “I’m glad we have the advantage of conditioning in our youth and adulthood to view all negative phenomena as the work of the Zionists.”
Kids Perform Daring Rescue Of Hostage Snacks From Dad’s Closet The raid began with a discreet scouting mission at around 10 pm.
13 Herzl St., Haifa, Building Association Adopts Resolution Calling For Chicago Gang Ceasefire “Certainly they’re as credible, if not more credible, than the United Nations General Assembly.”
Pigeon Changes Mind About Driving Bus Upon Hearing About Palestinians, Hamas “A fire truck is the way to go. Same vroom-vroom-vroom-pigeon-at-the-wheel energy, minus the fear of terrorist bombing.”
UN Review Of Israeli Textbooks: Dehumanization Of Palestinians, Glorification Of Violence Horrifyingly Absent Ministry-approved books fall far, far short of the standard that Palestinian texts have set.
Man Hopes War Continues To Keep Away Reservists, Foreigners Who Would Otherwise Beat Him In Marathon “They should stay till this thing is absolutely over.”
Only Matter of Time Before Tourists Start Taking Duckface Selfies At 10/7 Massacre Sites The narcissistic phenomenon has not already occurred only because the Gaza Envelope remains a closed military zone.
School Admin Walks Back ‘7,000 Teachers Killed In Spitball Attack’ Claim The school has 45 registered faculty.
Israel Stymies Progressive Foes By Identifying As Palestine As with students feeling “unsafe” on higher education campuses, the high principles of the progressive activists and movements took the step of explaining that those high principles cease to apply if Jews as a group begin to benefit from them.
Sibling Of Freed Hamas Hostage Calls You Idiot If You Think Ordeal Makes Her Immune To His Pranks, Mockery “It is my solemn duty, to punk and rhetorically smack her down when the opportunity arises.”
Area Business Attracts Customers By Being Only One Not To Invoke Gaza War In Promotions The war has otherwise hurt tourism and local business traffic.
Teen Declares Room ‘Palestinian Refugee Camp’ So UN, Media, NGOs Will Parrot His Side Of Family Squabbles Uncritically “I qualify as much as any Palestinian whose great-grandparents left their rental property to make it easier for Arab armies to kill the Jews in 1948.”
Post-10/7 Paranoia Hitting Door-To-Door Schnorrer Industry Hardest “I’d say three quarters of the places on my rounds now simply don’t answer.”
Refugees In Jerusalem From Ashkelon Struggling To Stomach Ashkenazi Food “How about mayonnaise?”
Jerusalem Installs New Dumpsters For Residents To Ignore, Pile Trash Next To A new way not to dispose properly of garbage.
Boy Who Ransacked Bedroom, Stole Toys, Broke Window, Killed Goldfish, Beat Up Brother, Denies Kicking Him Too “Maybe that means your whole story is made up!”
Gamer In Hot Water With Wife After Calling Marriage ‘Side Quest’ “I sometimes get the sense that woman has no idea what’s important to me.”
Jerusalem Proprietor Interprets Unavailability Of Product From Regular Suppliers As Product Not Existing “Ein davar kazzeh.”
Student Goes Record 3 Days Into Term Before Losing/Exhausting All Pens, Erasers, Glue Sticks Halfway through the first week – twenty-four hours longer than her previous record.
Palestinian Genocide So Thorough That Even Records Of Victims, Mass Graves Eliminated They eliminated millions of Palestinians, down to any evidence of the very existence before that point of those now-murdered Palestinians.
Tourists Told To Find Best Hummus In Shuk Unaware Stores All Use Same Stuff The teens argue over which found the actual best hummus, all of them simultaneously right and wrong. Jerusalem, August 17 – This city’s busting open-air market teems with teenage visitors from abroad every summer, as their organized groups seek to give them a taste of local culture and history, and a common activity for those …
Ashkelon Crane Collapse Narrowly Misses North Tel Avivian’s Sense Of Entitlement “I pay for their public services, their education, their everything. But my vote doesn’t count more? Ridiculous.”
Driver Honks To Urge Car In Front To Get Stuck At Next Red Sooner He sped up to overtake the Honda and reach the next intersection a full 3.8 seconds before the other car, where both waited. He voiced satisfaction at his time efficiency.
Dad Unaware Of Rule That Shower Not Over Till Playlist Ends “OMG he doesn’t even listen to music when he’s showering.”
Jerusalem Man Hopes Grandchildren Might Live To See New Light Rail Line Operational “In their old age, most likely, but that’s something.”
School Raises Record Amount By Giving Parents Choice To Donate Instead Of Attending Year-End Production “I even asked if there’s a way to prepay not to attend anything for the next three years.”
Guide Clearly Using Israeli Reputation For Bluntness As Pretext To Mock Tourists “Pumpkin spice latte is not part of our local cuisine, and I am aware this is all you know.”
Report: Apartment Hunter Seeking Rental That ‘Doesn’t Reek Of Weed’ Must Be Billionaire Or Something “Who can afford a place in this neighborhood with weed-free air, a Rothschild?”