Showing 421–480 of 601 articles · Page 8 of 11
Zoabi In Critical Condition After Being Left In Hot Car When asked why Zoabi apparently did not attempt to let herself out of the car, Tibi became incensed. “Why are you blaming the victim?” Hadassah Ein Kerem Medical Center, August 3 – Joint List MK Hannen Zoabi was listed in critical condition today after other lawmakers accidentally left her in a car that sat out …
Meretz TV Demands Government Funding For Sake Of Independent Press “The independence of Israeli journalism rests on it receiving funding from the entity from which it is trying to assert its independence,” explained Gilon. Tel Aviv, August 1 – Questions surrounding the establishment of a new government-owned corporation to manage public broadcasting continued to swirl today as the left-wing party Meretz said it would establish its …
Rival Benefactors Feud Over Dedication Plaques In Tabernacle All insist they obtained exclusive rights to having an inscription in their names etched into the side of the Holy Ark. Wilderness of Sinai, July 27 – Tensions continue to simmer among the Israelites this week as several wealthy families clashed over naming rights to various portions of the Holy Tabernacle they had funded, Levitic …
Free Meretz Membership To Anyone Alive Last Time They Had Power “I see this drive as a metaphor for our situation and our aspirations.” Tel Aviv, July 20 – Leaders of the left-wing party Meretz launched a new membership drive today to bolster the movement’s stagnant rolls, promising to exempt from the payment of dues any new members who were alive when the party last sat …
Media Call For Transparency After Reporters Barred From Holy Of Holies A team of reporters and cameramen applied for access to film the rites that are performed once a year in the Holy of Holies, and were turned down. Jerusalem, July 18 – Journalist groups denounced the administration of the Holy Temple today for impinging on freedom of the press after the administration refused an application to …
It Dawning On NGOs What ‘NGO’ Stands For Perhaps defining themselves a non-governmental organizations should by definition require that in fact they not be de facto agents of foreign governments. Tel Aviv, July 14 – Following the passage of a law mandating greater disclosure for Non-Governmental Organizations that receive more than fifty percent of their funding from foreign government entities, the directors of …
Livni: Brexit Shows Danger Of Letting The Little People Vote Last year’s national election here was a painful reminder that people who don’t think like a North Tel Aviv social activist can still vote. Tel Aviv, June 10 – Hatnua Party leader and ranking member of the Zionist Union faction MK Tzipi Livni offered her insights today on the outcome of the British referendum on …
King David Faces ‘Apartheid’ Allegations Over Lack Of Arab Advisers “You can’t get any more minority than zero percent.” Jerusalem, July 6 – NGOs and political figures are accusing King David of a policy of racial discrimination and of barring ethnic minorities from his government, noting that of the many advisers and officials in the palace, none are Arab. A coalition of activists and grassroots …
Netanyahu Pretty Sure He Was Supposed To Get Primae Noctis Unless specifically overridden by Israeli legislation, pre-existing laws from prior sovereignties are still in force under the current system, noted constitutional experts. Jerusalem, June 29 – Seven years into his current tenure as prime minister, Binyamin Netanyahu is still searching through Israel’s legal code to find a provision that mandates his right to sleep with …
Hazan Complains MKs On Status Of Women Committee Are Ugly “Who is going to take these women seriously if they don’t take their own looks seriously?” Jerusalem, June 22 – Likud lawmaker Oren Hazan courted controversy again today when he described the female members of the Knesset Committee on the Status of Women and Gender Equality as unattractive. Hazan, who has a reputation for crudity, …
Herzog Mulls Jumping Over Shark On Water Skis To Boost Appeal Herzog told advisers he wants to do something bold to capture public attention and support. Tel Aviv, June 20 – Frustrated by his inability to galvanize the Opposition he leads and facing challenges to his stewardship of the Labor Party and Zionist Union faction, MK Isaac Herzog is considering a move aimed at gaining the …
Joint List Denounces Terrorism Law As Discriminatory Against Terrorists “An act of blatant discrimination against the population of terrorists living under Israeli rule.” Jerusalem, June 16 – Members of the Joint Arab List alliance in the Knesset condemned yesterday’s passage of a law toughening penalties for people convicted of involvement in terrorism, saying the legislation unfairly singles out terrorists for harsh treatment. The bill passed …
Report: Visiting Site Of Attack Not Cynical If Left Does It “This research demonstrates what certain public figures have been claiming for some time,” said lead author Shelly Yechimovich. Tel Aviv, June 9 – A new study published today in a scientific journal indicates that when right-wing politicians visit the site of a terrorist attack and make pronouncements, that involves a cynical exploitation of emotions for …
Left Insists Hezekiah Give Half Of Jerusalem To Assyrians “Let’s face it, in any case, the Assyrians are a demographic time bomb.” Jerusalem, June 5 – Leaders of the self-styled Peace Camp in the Kingdom of Judah are urging King Hezekiah to surrender half of the capital city to the Assyrian army under Sennacherib, palace sources are reporting. Assyrian forces have begun to encamp …
Israeli Communists Oddly Silent About Venezuela Collapse “We need their informed take on why what’s happening in Venezuela is actually a positive thing.” Jerusalem, June 1 – Members of Maki, Israel’s Communist Party, have offered little to no comment on the current crisis in Communist Venezuela, where disastrous economic fallout has resulted from decades of ideology-driven government control of the economy that …
Herzog Still Stalking Netanyahu On Facebook Herzog has also been observed trying to make a show in Netanyahu’s presence of having a healthy alliance with other MKs. Tel Aviv, May 25 – The week after an acrimonious end to negotiations between Likud and Labor over the formation of a national unity government, the head of Labor is surreptitiously and wistfully monitoring every …
Liberman Sneaks ‘No Brown M&Ms’ Clause Into Coalition Agreement He hopes to be able to invoke it if the government’s policies and legislation in the coming months do not reflect his wishes. Jerusalem, May 23 – Prospective Minister of Defense Avigdor Liberman managed to surreptitiously insert a passage into the emerging coalition agreement today that requires the government to provide a bowl of M&M …
Right-Wing Coalition Dares To Represent Like-Minded Majority Margalit vowed to fight the strengthened coalition by fomenting disunity and open rebellion in his own Opposition party. Jerusalem, May 19 – Politicians and commentators across the left side of the political spectrum reacted with anger today that the right-wing majority in the Knesset has come together to represent the democratic will of the people, …
Arab MKs Blast Gov’t For Nakba-Day Heat Wave “This government continually boasts how the country made the desert bloom. Anyone with such power over nature is automatically suspect in inclement weather.” Jerusalem, May 15 – Members of the Arab Joint List delegation to Knesset denounced the government of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today, saying that the timing of an oppressive heat wave to …
Uncertainty Whether Students Rolling Eyes, Sulking A Reaction To New Civics Text The most indicative response has been a shrug of the shoulders and the word ‘Fine’ or ‘Whatever.’ Jerusalem, May 10 – Ministry of Education representatives urged caution today in assessing the behavior of high school students in response to a controversial new civics textbook, saying it remained unclear whether the sulking, shrugging, eye-rolling, and monosyllabic …
Hazan Removed From Plenum For Yelling ‘Present!’ As Holocaust Names Read “He continues to surprise us with his, shall we say, unique interpretation of what is and is not proper in this setting.” Jerusalem, May 5 – A Member of Knesset known for courting controversy has provoked critics again, this time by mocking the legislature’s Holocaust Memorial Day ceremony. MK Oren Hazan of the Likud Party …
Livni’s Expense Account Sees Uptick In Deodorant Purchases “Not that there’s anything here that smells wrong.” Jerusalem, April 27 – The Knesset Comptroller’s Office has noticed an increase in the amount of deodorant bought by MK Tzipi Livni in the last three weeks, Knesset observers have reported. The monthly deadline for submission of receipts to be covered by the per diem allotted to …
Herzog Bitter He Wasn’t Allowed To Stand On Chair To Ask 4 Questions “Buji doesn’t want to be coddled, and he repeatedly insists he can handle himself, but the Seder runs pretty late, and it was already past his bedtime.” Tel Aviv, April 24 – Two days after the Passover Seder, Isaac Herzog still harbors resentment that he wasn’t allowed to stand on a chair to ask the Four …
NGOs: Stop Teaching Greater/Less Than In Math; “Value Judgments” “Why did the administration rely on a set of numbers to determine whether or not I belong in physics, calculus, or chemistry?” Tel Aviv, April 15 – A coalition of non-governmental organizations has petitioned the Ministry of Education to remove all references to different numerical values as “greater than” or “less than” in the arithmetic …
Bibi: If Herzog Escapes Indictment, He’s Not Fit To Join Gov’t Absent serious chances of a criminal conviction, Herzog would stick out like a sore thumb and generate more conflict than harmony. Jerusalem, April 7 – Amid rumors that Opposition leader Isaac Herzog might bring his Labor Party into Prime Minister Binyamin Netayahu’s government, the premier told Likud Party officials today that if the recently-opened corruption …
April Fools Over, But Zoabi Still Claiming To Represent Israeli Arabs “I’m not entirely sure how long she intends to play this, but eventually it will get old and she’ll go back to undermining the state that pays her salary.” Nazareth, April 3 – April Fools Day ended at midnight as Friday became Saturday last week, but local residents are reporting that MK Haneen Zoabi of the Joint …
Deri Accused Of Letting Others Cut Line At Knesset Cafeteria It could be the first opportunity for MKs to exercise the bill that passed its preliminary reading yesterday, which okays the expulsion of a lawmaker if 90 votes can be secured. Jerusalem, March 30 – Police officials announced today they had opened an investigation into the behavior of Minister of the Interior and Shas Party leader Aryeh Deri …
Haaretz Slams Netanyahu Over Haman’s Extermination Plot “This is the indisputable result of an immature, intrusive, and arrogant campaign by the prime minister to manipulate American politics.” Tel Aviv, March 24 – The editorial board at Haaretz laced into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu this morning, accusing him of irresponsible leadership and failure to prevent the ancient extermination plot against the Jews by …
Man Viewing Diaper Change Through Prism Of Israeli-Palestinian Conflict “I don’t think we would feel the need to use a Diaper Genie if we were truly comfortable with the way we oppress, exploit, and paternalize the Palestinians.” Tel Aviv, March 17 – A local father performing diaper-changing duties is struggling to frame the task in the context of the ongoing national conflict with the …
112% Of Israeli Jews Think Incompetent Poll-Takers Should Be Shot A further 102% said they should merely be flayed alive, then expelled to the Gaza Strip. Tel Aviv, March 13 – A new survey of Israeli public opinion and attitudes reveals that more than 100% of Jewish citizens believe that pollsters who fail to conduct their research properly should be extrajudicially executed, researchers report. In …
Herzog Spends Day Explaining International Women’s Day Doesn’t Refer To Him “…just so ladylike, is what I mean,” gushed an admirer. Tel Aviv, March 8 – Labor Party and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog was forced to devote much of Tuesday repeatedly explaining to would-be admirers that while they were correct to mark International Women’s Day, he is not part of the group that the originators of …
Inexplicably, Those Who Vowed To Leave If Bibi Elected Still Here Journalists are at a loss to account for the gap between the pronouncements and the reality. Tel Aviv, March 2 – A survey of personalities who proclaimed their solemn intention to depart from Israel and take up residence elsewhere in the event that incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu won reelection last March found that nearly …
Opposition Afraid To Speak Against Bill To Ban Slippery Slope Arguments “If this bill passes, then any- I mean, what if…” she trailed off. Jerusalem, February 29 – Members of Knesset expressed reservations today regarding their options in upcoming deliberations over a legislative proposal to retroactively prohibit use of the slippery-slope argument. Likud MK Nisan Slomiansky introduced the bill today making it a misdemeanor to invoke the …
Zoabi Secretly Relieved That Barghouti To Run In Palestinian, Not Israeli Elections “The Mavi Marmara is small potatoes in the eyes of her voters, compared to complicity in the mass murder of Jews.” Umm El Fahm, February 24 – Firebrand lawmaker Haneen Zoabi of the Balad Party revealed to confidants today that she breathed a sigh of relief upon discovering that when imprisoned Palestinian figure Marwan Barghouti …
NGOs That Badmouth IDF Obviously More Patriotic Than You You Neanderthal. Tel Aviv, February 20 – Non-governmental organizations that make it their business to paint Israeli security forces in the most negative light possible not only occupy a higher moral plane than you, sources reported today, but also demonstrate a more worthy form of patriotism than yours. Groups that monitor IDF interactions with Palestinians, …
Meretz Downplays UN Israel Fixation: ‘99% Of Knesset Votes Also About Israel’ No one has ever accused the Knesset of anti-Israel bias. Tel Aviv, February 15 – The leader of Israel’s hard-left Meretz Party defended the United Nations Security and Human Rights Councils today amid observations that those bodies disproportionately target Israel for condemnation, and said that the country has no right to complain about the UN’s alleged …
Study: Israel Just Getting Worse At Doing Apartheid Right “No self-respecting Apartheid regime would allow the excluded class to sit on the Supreme Court.” Jerusalem, February 11 – An internal parliamentary report examining the country’s adherence to policies that exclude Arabs from positions of power, negate their rights, and relegate them to second-class status has revealed that Israel severely underperforms in the development and …
Gas Deal Includes Likud Outsourcing Electoral Losses To Labor “We don’t need Likud to help us drop into political irrelevance,” declared MK Shelly Yechimovich. Jerusalem, February 7 – Israel’s Supreme Court heard testimony last week relating to several petitions against the natural gas deal approved by the government, including several third-party objections to a provision of the agreement under which electoral failures of the …
Meretz Still Living February 2, 1993 “An inability to assimilate the fact that the assumptions of the pre-Oslo, pre-Gaza-Disengagement eras have been thoroughly debunked by reality.” Tel Aviv, February 2 – Neurologists have diagnosed one of Israel’s premier left-wing parties as suffering from a rare condition in which the patient experiences the same day over and over again, local news sources …
Meretz To Settlers: Stop Attracting Pity By Getting Firebombed “Choosing to die or sustain life-altering injuries in a manner that does generate sympathy is a demonstration of the lowest form of cynicism.” Jerusalem, January 28 – Leaders of Israel’s political Left warned Jewish residents of Judea and Samaria today to cease getting rocks and Molotov cocktails thrown at them by Palestinians as a way …
Poll Sees Ashkenazi-God Ticket Beat Bibi More than fifty percent of respondents answered that they would vote for that team over the incumbent in any future elections. Tel Aviv, January 24 – A new survey finds that in a hypothetical matchup, newly retired General Gabi Ashkenazi could defeat incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu if he teams up with the Lord to …
3 Out Of 4 Israelis Unable To Distinguish Herzog From Turnip The unexpected relevance of turnips to a personality many expected to find more closely associated with waffles. Jerusalem, January 20 – A new survey of the Israeli electorate finds that three quarters of voters cannot tell the difference between Opposition leader Isaac Herzog and a common root vegetable, raising questions for Herzog’s party and the …
Joint List: Adopt European Values – Don’t Prosecute Gang-Rapes “Israel says it has so much in common with democracies in Europe; this is a perfect opportunity to demonstrate such an affinity.” Jerusalem, January 13 – Leading Arab lawmakers have proposed implementing a law enforcement policy that would bring Israel’s treatment of certain crimes in line with common practice in several major European Union states, …
Herzog Diagnosed With Amnesia Of Violence During Labor Governments The country has not elected a Labor government since 1998. Jerusalem, January 11 – Physicians have confirmed that Labor Party and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog is suffering from a form of selective amnesia that only makes him forget the deadly terrorism against Israelis that occurred when his party was in power, sources close to the politician reported …
Education Ministry Admits Failure After Masses Misuse The Word ‘Ban’ “Their failure is our failure, and it must be addressed.” Jerusalem, January 6 – Minister of Education Naftali Bennett acknowledged his office’s part in a large segment of the Israeli public not knowing the difference between banning a book and removing it from a list teachers use to choose reading assignments for their high school classes. Bennett …
Meretz Kinda Disappointed Tel Aviv Shooting Wasn’t Anti-Gay Gal-On said she immediately thought of the stabbing attack at the Jerusalem Gay Pride Parade earlier this year, an event that allowed the Israeli Left a near-monopoly on the apparent moral high ground. Tel Aviv, January 2 – Leaders of the Meretz Party confessed Saturday that they felt let down upon discovering that yesterday’s shooting …
Herzog To Knesset Security: No Visitor IDs; ‘Jews Don’t Label Jews’ He invoked the identifying badges or garments Jews were forced to wear at various times and places in history. Jerusalem, December 29 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog objected today to the current security measures in place at the parliamentary compound, by which non-dignitary visitors are issued a special sticker designating their status for security purposes, …
Livni Proposes Negotiations, Concessions To ‘Hilltop Youth’ She stressed the importance of strengthening the moderates among them. Jerusalem, December 24 – The head of the Hatnuah Party, a member of the Opposition’s Zionist Union alliance, said this morning that the government should pursue a negotiated settlement with the extremist teens and young adults who glorify and commit violence against Palestinians, not seek to …
Meretz Was Kind Of Hoping To Recruit Samir Kuntar Kuntar would have brought a valuable perspective born of spending so many years behind bars in the company of people who generally have no real voice in Israel’s parliamentary politics. Tel Aviv, December 20 – Leaders of the Meretz Party expressed disappointment today that after his assassination in Damascus yesterday, Hezbollah operative Samir Kuntar would …
‘Breaking The Silence’ Rep Breaks Non-Pretend Silence By Farting “There must have been something in the air,” recalled a waitress. Jerusalem, December 15 – An activist with an organization that claims to highlight instances of abuse by IDF soldiers that have been hushed up managed to disrupt a genuine silence today when he passed gas during a lull in conversation with donors. Peletz Nod, …
12 Injured As MKs Trip Over Selves To Condemn Trump Zionist Union MK Amir Peretz suffered lacerations when his staff mishandled several cutting retorts to Trump. Jerusalem, December 9 – A dozen Members of Knesset and parliamentary aides were hurt today in the rush to denounce Donald Trump’s remarks about Muslims, as they fell over one another in an attempt to be the most forceful and …
Arab Parties Demand Knesset Be Made ‘Safe Space’ For Antizionists The facility is full of insensitive reminders that Jews have established their own state instead of serving as perpetual dhimmis. Jerusalem, December 2 – Members of the Joint Arab List delegation to the Israeli parliament submitted a petition to the High Court today demanding that the Knesset be designated as a “safe space” in which no …
Nation Shocked That Politician A Narcissist “I’m having a hard time digesting this one,” confessed fellow MK Oren Hazan of Likud. Jerusalem, November 30 – MK Yinon Magal resigned from the parliament today amid a sexual harassment scandal that forced the Israeli public to confront the unexpected realization that a man who seeks self-aggrandizement and attention above all might engage in such …
Imbeciles Torn Over Blaming Global Warming Or Israel For ISIS Other, more marginal causes have occasionally been advanced by stupid individuals, but none have gained the traction of the two competing idiotic theories. London, November 26 – People of limited intelligence and an appalling lack of critical thinking skills are divided over which evil phenomenon to which they can attribute the brutal rise of the …
Haaretz-Backed ‘Treason’ Party Plagued By Disloyalty Minutes of an executive committee meeting were characterized by bickering, insinuations of ethical violations, accusations of right-wing or Establishment sympathies, and threats. Tel Aviv, November 22 – A new political party aimed at bringing together concerned citizens who view treason as the primary vehicle for political expression is having trouble maintaining a loyal membership, the …
Opposition Files 32,000 Budget Objections, 0 Sedition Objections “This will lead to violence,” said Meretz MK Ilan Gilon, referring to an act that froze the bank accounts and seized documents of groups and individuals involved in fomenting violence. Jerusalem, November 17 – In advance of deliberations over the national budget the Opposition has submitted a record number of objections to the proposed spending …
Far-Left Baffled Why People Hate Them For Siding With Enemy Gal-On called the thinking of the non-Left “mysterious.” Tel Aviv, November 12 – Leaders of Israel’s extreme political left wing expressed puzzlement today over the rest of the society’s animosity toward them for calling the EU decision to label products from outside the Green Line a positive development. Yariv Oppenheimer of Peace Now, and Udi …
Baratz Retracts: ‘OK, Kerry DOESN’T Have Brains Of 12-Year-Old’ “I apologize to twelve-year-olds everywhere for my insensitivity.” Jerusalem, November 8 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s newly appointed Media Adviser walked back this morning derogatory comments he had made about US Secretary of State John Kerry, saying that, contrary to what he had previously remarked, he does not in fact believe that the secretary has …
Labor Vows To Become A More Diverse Group Of Ashkenazim “We have any number of non-Ashkenazi members, and as as soon as I can think of more than eight, I’ll list them for you.” Tel Aviv, November 3 – Labor Party leaders gathered yesterday to debate the future of the organization and its moves in the immediate term, including the pursuit of an effort to …
Cabinet To Vote On Peace Pact With Nablus-Area Plumber If the cabinet approves the agreement, it will be brought to the Knesset, and then, under a law passed during the previous government’s tenure, to a national referendum. Jerusalem, October 29 – The political fragmentation of Palestinian society has led the Israeli government to pursue separate peace agreements with different Palestinian entities, leading to a …