Showing 361–420 of 601 articles · Page 7 of 11
Scientists Unsure If Herzog Can Get More Pathet- Oh, We Guess He Can We wanted to determine whether there is a limit to his- oh, goodness, did he really just say that to Trump? Oh my God. Rehovot, May 18 – Researchers at the Weizmann Institute of Science expressed doubt today whether Opposition leader and Labor Party Chairman Isaac “Bougie” Herzog can descend even lower into the mire …
Arab MKs Disappointed That Calling For Netanyahu’s Head An Idiom A Knesset legal adviser disabused them of a literal interpretation of the turn of phrase, leading them at first to express frustration, then disappointment. Jerusalem, May 14 – Legislators from the Joint List alliance of mostly-Arab parties in the Knesset admitted feeling let down today upon discovering that calls for Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s head …
With Lowest Number Of Knesset Seats, Meretz Pushes For Homeopathic Representation The fewer votes a party earns, the greater its representation would be in the Knesset. Jerusalem, May 9 – Israel’s summer legislative session began this morning with a Meretz-sponsored bill that would adopt homeopathic principles in assigning representation in the parliament, under which the fewer votes a party earns, the greater its representation in the …
Zoabi Thanks Emperor Palpatine For Supporting Anti-Israel UNESCO Declaration “Indeed, we see eye to eye with the Palestinian leadership on many important issues,” declared Grand Moff Tarkin. Umm el-Fahm, May 4 – MK Haneen Zoabi issued a statement of appreciation today for the diplomatic efforts of Galactic Emperor Palpatine, who instructed the Imperial ambassador to the UN’s cultural arm to vote in favor of …
Crowd Gathered To Watch ISIS Beheading Offended By Presence Of Flag With Six-Pointed Star “That’s disgusting. I feel ill.” Umm el-Fahm, April 30 – Locals who assembled to view video clips of Islamic State militants decapitating prisoners expressed today that they felt their feelings hurt by a nearby blue-and white banner on a municipal building. The group of residents who gathered around a smartphone to observe the series of …
Paid Hasbara Trolls Notice They Have Never Been Offered Pay Instead, the trolls have discovered, they have been engaging in these activities out of conviction that the prosperity and security of the world’s only Jewish State is a key value in their identity and sense of purpose. Jerusalem, April 26 – The collective of social media and informal online Israel advocacy contributors who distort or deflect …
Outrage As Bibi Blames ‘Aging’ For Dwindling Number Of Holocaust Survivors “Holocaust survivors are a national resource for us as politicians seeking to score moral or rhetorical points, and it’s downright irresponsible to allow them to die like that.” Tel Aviv, April 19 – Political figures on the Israeli Left pounced on Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu today for avoiding responsibility for the welfare of Holocaust survivors, …
Politicians Surprised To Discover Mimouna Actually Not A Political Event “You can’t just show me a Wikipedia article that relegates the political side to a single small paragraph and tell me it celebrates something deeper.” Jerusalem, April 18 – Political figures across Israel expressed wonderment today at the revelation that the traditional Moroccan Jewish post-Passover celebration is a traditional Moroccan Jewish post-Passover celebration, and not, …
After Primary Postponed For Britney Spears Concert, Labor Calls For BDS By Musicians “Tom Jones, Aerosmith, Rod Stewart, the Pet Shop Boys – and that’s just through June. When the heck are we going to conduct the business of this party – and of this country?” Tel Aviv, April 6 – Leadership of the Israeli Labor Party is now considering joining the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement in the …
Herzog’s Wife Tired Of Replacing His Underwear Torn By Wedgies Not even a switch to boxers prevented the phenomenon from worsening, the sources indicate. Tel Aviv, April 2 – Michal Herzog has grown weary of mending and replacing the briefs her husband gets destroyed when subjected to his daily humiliation of wedgies in the Knesset, a source close to the Herzog household disclosed today. Opposition …
Knesset Recess Begins: Zoabi, Bitan Fight Over Whose Turn To Use Swings Zoabi argued that the institutionalized discrimination of Israeli society and political system meant she must be given first use of the swing. Jerusalem, March 28 – Yesterday marked the first day of the Passover break in the Israeli parliament, prompting the 120 legislators to rush out to the facility’s playground, where rival lawmakers began arguing …
Bibi Souring On Minister Of Foreign Affairs Role – Has Not Had Even One Foreign Affair “Foreign relations are supposed to be something he’s good at,” observed an aide who spoke on condition of anonymity. “But no relations have taken place between him and females abroad, as far as anyone can tell, in years.” Jerusalem, March 23 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has grown frustrated with holding onto the position of …
Report: Elections Not Imminent Unless Livni Forms New Party “Elections aren’t in the air until Tzipi decides she’s had enough with her current position of political irrelevance and desires a new one of even greater irrelevance.” Tel Aviv, March 19 – A coalition crisis has pundits predicting the demise of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s government, but several experts point to clear indications that no new …
On Ides Of March, Soothsayer Warns Herzog, “Yeah, Whatever” Herzog was heard to mumble, “Et tu, Buji?” Tel Aviv, March 15 – Labor Party leader Isaac Herzog returned to his beloved city of Tel Aviv today amid throngs of supporters, and there encountered an oracle who greeted him with dire warnings of whatever. Herzog, who faces numerous challengers in upcoming party primaries, was forced …
Fashionistas Bash Female MKs International Women’s Day Attire As ‘Frumpy’ “Pantsuits as far as the eye could see.” Jerusalem, March 8 – Close followers of sartorial fashion trends has harsh words for female lawmakers today, criticizing them for unattractive clothing choices in honor of International Women’s Day. Fashion critics laced into the women who serve as role models, decrying their apparent lack of will to …
Interrogators Forget Which Criminal Probe Of Netanyahu They’re Conducting It does not help, say experts, that the news media and Opposition politicians conflate the various investigations. Tel Aviv, March 6 – Investigators questioning Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu in one of several open inquiries into his alleged misconduct in multiple cases keep losing track of which investigation they are pursuing at the moment, a police …
Diversity Advocates Denounce Absence Of Nazis From Knesset “The same goes for followers of Osama Bin Laden – how can this country make a serious claim to diversity without such people in the legislature?” Jerusalem, March 1 – Social activists decried the composition of Israel’s legislature today, calling the lack of Nazis, ISIS members, and other marginalized groups a stain on the body’s …
Joint List Fears Azaria Sentence Enough For Israeli Leaders To Avoid ICC “This is a serious development,” declared a subdued Ahmad Tibi. Tel Aviv, February 22 – Following the sentencing of an IDF soldier for a manslaughter conviction after he killed a wounded, neutralized Palestinian terrorist, members of the Joint List of mostly Arab parties in the Knesset voiced concern today that the severity of the sentence …
Yesh Atid Trades Peri, German To Zionist Union For 8 Minor-League Prospects “Yael and Yaakov can help us shore up our sense of frustration and dissatisfaction. That’s our currency,” said Herzog. Jerusalem, February 20 – Two prominent Opposition factions have reached a deal to exchange established MKs for politicians in the farm system of local government teams, the parties announced today. According to the announcement, Yair Lapid’s …
Meretz Proposes Making Doublespeak An Official Language The Meretz Euphemism-Required-Doublespeak Enactment (1984)(2017) (MERDE) Jerusalem, February 16 – Legislators from the far-left Meretz Party seek to establish Doublespeak as an official language of Israel alongside Hebrew and Arabic, a statement by the party announced today. Officials from Meretz distributed the statement this morning and referred to a draft proposal they intend to submit …
Israelis Hoping Livni Accepts UN Post So She Can Bring That Organization Down Too Israelis look forward to Livni’s eventual impact on the UN, which, if Livni’s record serves as an indicator, will descend into irrelevance and impotence. Tel Aviv, February 12 – Reports of the new UN Secretary-General offering MK Tzipi Livni a position as one of his Deputy Secretaries have Israelis across the political spectrum excited over …
Labor Split On Question Of Renaming To ‘Whatever The EU Wants’ Party “Taking this firm ideological stance – which is also a practical one – will convey our gravitas as an alternative to the failures of the current government.” Jerusalem, February 7 – Senior figures within Israel’s Labor Party found themselves in sharp disagreement about the future of the party this week after several suggested that Labor …
High Court Rules Unconstitutional To Appoint Non-Left-Wing Justices The ascendancy of the Left was cemented into the workings of the justice-appointment process, and the Left has been clinging to its hold on the institution for dear life. Jerusalem, February 2 – Israel’s supreme court handed down a decision today reaffirming the long-held judicial principle that to be accepted as members of the High …
Opposition Accuses ‘Corrupt’ Netanyahu Of Drawing Salary, Benefits “The monthly payments start at 48,815 shekels. Netanyahu then gives kickbacks to the State and its institutions, such that more than 36,000 shekels of the total figure go back to Israel.” Jerusalem, January 29 – Senior figures in the parliamentary opposition charged that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu gets paid more than 17,000 shekels each month …
Treasury Imposes Tax On Use Of Phrase, “In A Normal Country…” Criticism of the measure was not long in coming. “In any norm- I mean, this is no way to go about making or enforcing public policy.” Jerusalem, January 25 – Tax Authority officials announced today the imposition of a charge for every verbal or written use of the phrase, “Bim’dinah m’tukkenet…” roughly translated as, “In a …
Monster In Kahlon’s Closet Demands More Sweet, Sweet Tears Of Shrinking Middle Class If unfed for too long, report observers, the monster lashes out by causing social unrest and terrorism. Jerusalem, January 18 – The creature lurking in Minister of Finance Moshe Kahlon’s wardrobe is beginning to grow and to demand greater quantities of the middle-class tears it needs to survive, local sources have reported. Kahlon has been …
Prime Minister’s Office Shredder Technician Named Employee Of The Month Again Avi Kastah, 40, earned the award keeping the machine in working order despite the high intensity of its operation. Jerusalem, January 16 – A low-level employee at Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s office has been given Employee of the Month honors for December, extending his streak to a record two-and-a-half years. The man tasked with keeping …
Bibi Drooling At Political Hay Trump Making Of Adversarial Press “He’d do almost anything to be accused of hooking up with hookers, maybe going on a serial killing spree and eating children,” observed one aide. Caesarea, January 11 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu has nothing but envy for the scale of exploitation President-Elect Donald Trump has wrought with hostile media coverage, to his political advantage, …
Israel Breaks Own Record For Number Of Days Into New Year Without Sex Scandal Erupting Experts caution that the record applies only to sex scandals, whereas other forms of alleged misconduct occur daily. Jerusalem, January 4 – A new mark has been set for Israel’s political system now that it has gone a full four days into 2017 without word of a new sex scandal involving parliamentarians, ministers, senior officials …
Pharaoh Adviser Insists Opposition To Hebrew Viceroy Merely Anti-Zionist “Who is this guy, anyway, with no administrative experience beyond Potiphar’s estate and the prison?” Memphis, January 2 – An Egyptian official who has argued against the king’s appointment of a Hebrew former slave to a position second only to the Crown denies that his opposition stems from anti-Hebrew prejudice, contending that he is merely …
Zionist Union Accuses Ezra, Nehemiah Of Isolating Judea By Banning Intermarriage “Bib- I mean, Ezra, go home.” Jerusalem, December 29 – Leaders on the political left in the Perso-Median province of Judea leveled harsh criticism at Ezra and Nehemiah for pursuing policies that only cause isolation when the society should be opening up, given its dependence on foreign powers. Zionist Union heads Isaac Herzog and Tzipi …
Flowers From Meretz To UN Stymied By BDS At Meretz headquarters in Tel Aviv, party members debated sending a delegation to the Security Council and presenting the flowers directly. Tel Aviv, December 25 – Officials in the Meretz Party sought to send bouquets to the United Nations Security Council today, following the body’s decision to declare Israeli Jewish communities beyond the 1949 armistice …
Joint List MKs Sure There Was A Law That Permits Minorities To Commit Treason If the effort succeeds, it may allow former MK Azmi Bishara to return from self-imposed exile in Qatar. Jerusalem, December 20 – Members of the Joint List alliance of mostly Arab parties in the Knesset spent Monday in an intense effort to find a law they could swear is on the books, a measure that …
Calls For Cain’s Resignation After Reports He Slept With His Sister “No one who conducts himself that way can continue to serve as firstborn.” Eden, December 15 – Scandal erupted today in Adam and Eve’s family after their eldest son was accused of seducing his sister, and calls emerged for Cain to step down from his position as firstborn. Rumors began circulating last week that Cain …
Ephron In Hiding From Palestinians After Selling Land To Abraham MK Haj Yahiah repeated the call to kill Ephron. Somewhere near Hebron, December 11 – A Hittite man who struck a lucrative real estate deal with a Hebrew patriarch was forced to conceal his whereabouts after receiving death threats from Palestinians opposed to the sale of any part of Palestine to Jews. Ephron, the previous owner …
Herzog Hoping Buyers Of HaPoel Tel Aviv Also Want Labor Party Both organizations have roots on the political left. Tel Aviv, December 7 – Zionist Union faction chief and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog voiced confidence today that if and when a buyer comes along to purchase and rehabilitate the ailing HaPoel Tel Aviv soccer franchise, the investor or investors will do the same for his Labor Party. …
Committee Delays Vote On Law Declaring Delay Of Vote A Dick Move Whoever votes in favor of such a delay will carry an air of dickishness for the duration of the legislative session. Jerusalem, November 30 – The Knesset Legislative Committee voted unanimously today to postpone a plenum vote on a bill to declare moving back the scheduled date and time of a vote on legislation a …
Meretz Demands Limits On Natural Disasters To Prevent Distraction From Corruption News The law would require that any such calamity receive approval from an independent oversight committee before it be permitted to strike Israel. Jerusalem, November 28 – Lawmakers from the Meretz Party are preparing legislation to outlaw fires, earthquakes, and other large-scale calamities when national and media attention is already focused on possible misdeeds of right-wing …
Critics: Netanyahu Having Both Facebook Page And Twitter Profile A Conflict Of Interest “It looks more and more as if Bibi is using his Facebook following to bolster the messaging and following he cultivates on Twitter and vice versa.” Jerusalem, November 23 – Political opponents of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu have asked the State Comptroller to investigate the premier’s use of two competing social media platforms, claiming that …
For Trump Visit, Arab MKs To Throw Tiny Gloves Instead Of Shoes “Trump is a bigot,” proclaimed the legislator, whose party supports homophobia and misogyny, and denied the legitimacy of Israel as a Jewish State. Jerusalem, November 16 – No date has been announced for the trip to Israel President-elect Donald Trump has promised to make once he assumes office, but the country’s Arab lawmakers are already …
Tel Aviv Professor Calls Introduction Of Right-Wing Bills ‘Microaggression’ “It is the duty of the State to protect its citizens from harm,” wrote Smolanibakhyan in the journal Cloister. Tel Aviv, November 14 – A professor of political science at Tel Aviv University warned today that the mere introduction of legislation by lawmakers to the right of Labor on the political spectrum constitutes a microaggression against …
Right-Wing MKs Getting A Little Carried Away With Trump Election Implications “It’s quite possible Mr. Trump will shut down the hostile United Nations, nuke Iran to smithereens, and increase military aid to us by several billion dollars annually.” Jerusalem, November 10 – One day after Donald Trump soundly defeated Hillary Clinton to become the 45th president of the United States, cabinet ministers and members of the …
Rabin Memorial Attracts Crowd From Across Segment Of Political Spectrum Diverse voices could be heard at the rally, including journalists who took the opportunity to trumpet the fact that Netanyahu and his allies are silencing them. Tel Aviv, November 6 – Tens of thousands of Israelis gathered Saturday night to commemorate slain Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin who was assasssinated twenty-one years ago, representing a wide …
Labor Accuses God Of Monopolizing Bible With Pro-God Voices There is not a single work in all of Tanakh written by someone who doesn’t see monotheism as a value, or who believes bribery to be just the thing. Tel Aviv, November 1 – Leaders of Israel’s main opposition party today charged that the LORD was suppressing democratic dissent by filling the record of His …
Leftist Elite To Create Israeli House Of Lords “It would not be very progressive of us to simply accept the democratic will of the people – that is not what progressives do.” Tel Aviv, October 27 – A dangerous streak of democratic elections that failed to return the Israeli Left to power has the secular, progressive, self-appointed conscience of the society in the …
If Abbas Addresses Knesset, Joint List To Boycott Over ‘Normalization’ “To pursue a path of conciliation would be a shameful betrayal of our paths to date.” Umm el-Fahm, October 21 – Members of the Joint List political alliance of mostly Arab parties voiced concern today over rumors that Palestinian Authority President and PLO Chairman Mahmoud Abbas might make a historic visit to the Israeli parliament, …
Knesset Security Gearing Up For 120 Clown Sightings The ten-dozen-plus clowns are supposed to be there, possibly as a way of keeping them off the streets and frightening even more people – at least that’s what the electorate seems to want. Jerusalem, October 13 – Israel’s parliamentary security organization is observing the raft of frightening clown sightings in the US with concern, knowing …
Zionist Union Still Looking For Way To Show Hurricane Matthew Bibi’s Fault “If Herzog and Livni are serious about standing a chance in the next election, they had better agree exactly which loony anti-Bibi conspiracy theory to promote.” Tel Aviv, October 7 – Leaders of the opposition Zionist Union faction in the Knesset have yet to develop a coherent approach to blaming Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu for …
Arab MKs To Attend Peres Funeral If Allowed To Distribute Candy “I daresay the Zionist State will refuse this compromise, betraying the very intransigence which lies at the root of the conflict.” Jerusalem, September 29 – Leaders of Israel’s Arab political parties softened their stance today on the death and funeral of former president Shimon Peres, saying that they will in fact attend the burial and …
New Rule Would Keep Knesset Sessions From Going Past Herzog’s Bedtime Plenum sessions have challenged him, since Knesset rules preclude his bringing his enormous teddy bear into the chamber as he nurses a glass of warm milk and listens to a favorite story. Jerusalem, September 25 – A proposed amendment to deliberation rules for legislation and other business in the Knesset plenum seeks to restrict the body’s active …
Report: Apartheid Implementation Agency Targeting Jews Instead Of Arabs Jews are barred from expressions of religious devotion on the Temple Mount, Judaism’s holiest site, while Muslims are free to behave there as they wish. Jerusalem, September 21 – An investigative commission on the activities of the newly-established Apartheid Implementation Agency has determined that instead of maintaining a policy of political discrimination and denial of rights to …
Barak Comeback: Bibi’s Plan To Destroy Left Once And For All “He’ll lead the party and the entire Left into oblivion for years to come.” Tel Aviv, September 15 – Political analysts are hailing Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s latest machinations to weaken the opposition, specifically his engineering of former Prime Minister Ehud Barak’s impending political comeback as a way to discredit and emasculate the Israeli Left over …
Israeli Democracy Dead For 456,798,746th Time The corpse of Israeli democracy had hardly grown cold since the last time Bibi ordered its killing. Jerusalem, September 12 – Experts pronounced the demise of Israeli democracy this week for the 456,798,746th time, a development they directly attribute to the antidemocratic policies of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and his coalition of right-wing parties. Israeli …
Workers At Ministry Of NSFW Forced To Work From Home “I can’t even get my staff together in one room, let alone hold a meeting with different groups.” complained a section supervisor. Jerusalem, September 7 – Employees at the government ministry handling all not-safe-for-work materials on the internet remain unable to perform their jobs at their ministry desks, as the documents and information in which …
Arab MK: If I Can Have Multiple Wives, I Should Get Multiple Votes “The Knesset should count my votes many times, since I am performing the role of multiple men.” Jerusalem, August 31 – A member of the Joint List alliance of Arab parties in the Knesset has demanded that the State show consistency in its treatment of the Arab minority, and allow him to vote multiple times …
Haredim To Bolt Moses’s Coalition Over Mention Of Miriam’s Song Moses has yet to respond to the demand, which gives him a deadline of nightfall tomorrow to decide between including the passage in the Torah and maintaining the fragile coalition. Wilderness of Shur, April 25 – Ultra-Orthodox members of Moses’s governing coalition in the Knesset are threatening to leave the government if Miriam’s song after …
Arab Joint List In Josiah’s Time Can’t Find Constituency “If the government can plausibly claim there are no Arabs here, they have a convenient pretext to exclude Arabs from all the workings of government.” Jerusalem, August 23 – Legislators from the Joint List political alliance of Arab parties in the Knesset during the reign of King Josiah have encountered acute electoral troubles stemming primarily from …
Balad MKs: Security Measures Discriminate Against Suicide Bombers “I can’t tell you how many of my friends have been stopped on the way to kill Jews,” said Zoabi. Jerusalem, August 18 – Legislators from the Arab-Israeli political party Balad voiced objections today to various security methods employed by the armed forces and police, among others, saying that singling out those who aim to …
Boycott Israel, Says Man Drawing Salary From Israel “The moral step is to boycott this racist entity,” the MK argued. Montreal, August – A legislator earning a living from the coffers of the Jewish State called on other countries, individuals, and entities today not to do business or have normal relations with that state. Basel Ghattas, a lawmaker from the Joint List delegation …
Left Calls Ban On Armed Uprisings Undemocratic The People must have their will expressed in real terms, but voters keep getting in the way. Tel Aviv, August 10 – Leading figures in Israel’s progressive political community have denounced laws prohibiting coups d’état – especially by means of weapons – and called those laws a violation of democratic principles and thwarting the will of the …