Showing 481–540 of 601 articles · Page 9 of 11
Gal-On Hoping To Get Killed To Be Proved Right On Right-Wing Incitement “I hope it happens soon, or someone will get killed.” Tel Aviv, October 25 – Meretz Party leader Zehava Gal-On again warned of incitement against left-wing political figures as the twentieth anniversary of Prime Miinister Yitzhak Rabin’s assassination approaches, and said she intends to be murdered if that is what proves necessary to drive home …
Meretz Bill Would OK Shouting ‘Fire’ In Crowded Theater Of Jews None of the other countries in the region have laws prohibiting calling for harm to Jews. Jerusalem, October 19 – The current spate of violence has prompted the government to impose certain limits on basic freedoms and rights, including freedom of speech, but Opposition lawmakers claim now is the time to expand, not restrict, those freedoms, …
Zoabi: McFly Should Be Prosecuted For Knocking Over Defenseless Pine “People who harm the defenseless, whether it is Palestinian children or Californian pines that leave behind a lone remnant, must face consequences.” Jerusalem, October 15 – An Arab lawmaker in Israel’s parliament said she has reviewed the video evidence of Marty McFly’s trip to 1955 in a DeLorean, and concluded that the teenager’s use of …
Gal-On Diagnosed With Pre-1967 Amnesia There may be hundreds of thousands of Israelis with the condition, which disproportionately affects those of Ashkenazi ancestry. Meretz Party Chairwoman Zehava Gal-On was informed by neurologists today that she suffers from an inability to process events that occurred prior to June 1967, a party representative said today (Sunday). Meretz spokesman Akki Bush told reporters that …
Herzog: High Price Of Caviar Proof Of Bibi’s Failure Despite some of world’s best non-Caspian caviar being produced in Israel at Kibbutz Dan, only the wealthy can afford to purchase any, and even they do so only in tiny quantities at a time. Tel Aviv, October 1 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog again leveled criticism at Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s performance today, accusing him …
Joint List Protests Ban On Molotov Cocktails In Knesset “What’s going to be made illegal next – declaring solidarity with a terrorist organization?” asked MK Basel Ghattas. Jerusalem, September 20 – Members of the Joint Arab List delegation in the Knesset voiced their objections to various security measures in place at the compound, calling the ban on explosives and incendiary weapons suppression of their …
Meretz: Ban Bars From Not Hiring Muslims Who Won’t Serve Alcohol Zandberg said she had not once spied a bartender in traditional Muslim garb, and concluded that discrimination must be the root cause of that absence. Jerusalem, September 9 – New legislation brought by the left-wing Meretz Party would outlaw what it calls manifestations of discrimination on the basis of religious belief, making it a crime …
Joint List MK Says Labor Killed Arab MKs, Stole Their Seats “In fact the term ‘Knesset’ is merely a corruption of an indigenous Arabic name for the region, Knish.” Jerusalem, September 7 – Joint Arab List Member of Knesset Jamal Zahalka laced into lawmakers from the Labor Party this afternoon, saying that they had massacred Arab legislators and stolen their seats in the Knesset. Zahalka directed …
Herzog: Budget Unacceptable – No Provision For Making Me Electable “For too long, the reins have been held by a small group of people representing the majority of voting Israelis.” Jerusalem, September 2 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into the government’s proposed budget today, saving his most vociferous criticism for the budget’s complete lack of programs to make him an appealing candidate for prime minister. …
BREAKING: Abbas Resignation A Prelude To Meretz Helm “Mahmoud Abbas might be Meretz’s ideal candidate, embodying everything they’ve ever campaigned for, but that doesn’t mean they don’t like their jobs. If something happens, expect a fight.” Ramallah, August 29 – Sources close to Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas say his resignation from the position of PLO Executive Chairman is calculated not, as generally assumed, to …
Barak Grins, Rubs Palms Together, Updates MySpace Profile “It makes sense to harness the enduring appeal of MySpace for that purpose.” Savyon, Israel, August 24 – Just a day after the release of recordings supposedly revealing the last-minute abortion of three strikes on Iran while he served as Minister of Defense, discredited former Prime Minister Ehud Barak licked his lips, rubbed his palms …
Israeli Labor Party Also Considering Corbyn As Leader Corbyn will need more than slogans, and more than simple association with the lowest dregs of British humanity. Tel Aviv, August 20 – A growing dissatisfaction with the tepid stewarship of party chairman Isaac Herzog has the rank-and-file of Israel’s Labor Party looking for a more robust leader, and are looking to British Labor politician Jeremy Corbyn …
Report: Outspoken Right-Wingers Magically Unable To Be Diplomats The political left, the study notes, holds a monopoly on proper ideology, policy, and advocacy. Jerusalem, August 16 – A study of Israeli political trends has revealed that political figures who unequivocally support right-wing causes and ideologies become, by some unexplained and unique mechanism, incapable of adequately performing the duties of a diplomat. The study, …
Labor MKs Decry ‘Rampant Sexism’ In Human Trafficking Industry “Bibi and his cronies have done precious little to bring the number of men anywhere near the number of women in this popular field.” Tel Aviv, August 10 – A group of Opposition lawmakers from Labor held a conference today at which they denounced the disproportionate number of women exploited by the human trafficking industry, …
Ministry Of Apartheid Disbanded Amid Complete Ineffectiveness Not even the ascension of the right wing under Menachem Begin in 1977 could get the Ministry of Apartheid to perform properly. Jerusalem, August 6 – The government body in charge of developing and implementing ways to disenfranchise and institutionalize discrimination against Israel’s Arab population is being dismantled under the state’s 2015-2016 budget after oversight revealed …
Religious Tolerance Rally Scheduled For Sabbath In Meah Shearim “Our goal is to bring the spirit of acceptance and sensitivity to places where it seldom gets the chance to shine.” Jerusalem, August 2 – On the heels of nationwide protests against hate and violence, the organizers of those rallies have embarked on a new endeavor to foster greater tolerance, and have scheduled a rally …
Jewish Home Party Seeks D9 Bulldozer On Judge Appointment Committee D-10 units might be considered for the position, as well, but only qualified candidates would merit serious attention. Jerusalem, July 29 – Leaders of the nationalist Jewish Home Party want an armored bulldozer on the committee that appoints judges to the High Court of Justice, the party’s chairman told reporters today. Minister of Education Naftali …
Meretz To Oppose Any Bill Implying Arabs Have Volition It would be imposing Western morality on Palestinians to insist they adhere to such notions as not killing people whose views they oppose. Tel Aviv, July 23 – Representatives of the dovish Meretz Party informed their colleagues in the Opposition today that they would not endorse any legislation that in any way supports the notion …
MK Elkin Again Suspected Of Putting Thumbtack On Zoabi’s Chair The minister dismissed the accusations and said Zoabi was trying to generate attention, play victim, and exacerbate ethnic tensions, which he called dangerously irresponsible. Jerusalem, July 19 – Minister of Absorption and Jerusalem Affairs Ze’ev Elkin of Likud faces accusations for the third time of placing a thumbtack point-up on the plenum seat of Joint …
Opposition Claims Bibi Omnipotent: ‘Could Have Prevented Iran Deal’ The Left’s defeats have left Labor and its allies feeling that Netanyahu must be able to bend reality to his will. Jerusalem, July 14 – Israeli Opposition lawmakers expressed dismay that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu had failed to prevent the international agreement with Iran to remove economic sanctions, saying that Netanyahu, who is obviously all-powerful, could …
Lieberman Proposes Security Barrier Around Arab MKs “Arabs MKs from other parties will not be separated from the rest of us. The accusation of racism is baseless,” he insisted. Jerusalem, July 9 – Yisrael Beiteinu Party leader Avigdor Lieberman submitted proposed legislation today to mandate an addition of the existing West Bank security barrier to separate the 13 members of the Arab Joint …
Study: In Theory, Arab MKs Able To Represent Israeli Arabs, Not Palestinians The study also found that MK Basel Ghattas had a sick tan for someone who is supposed to be a legislator in the Knesset, a mostly indoor facility. Umm El-Fahm, July 1 – A team of researchers at Tel Aviv University say they have proven that at least theoretically, it is possible for elected representatives …
Meretz Divided Over Whether To Support Non-Gay Marriage Whether non-same-sex marriage should actually be criminalized remains a subject of contention among Meretz members. Tel Aviv, June 28 – Leading political figures on the Israeli Left find themselves in disagreement over the proper domestic strategy to pursue in the aftermath of the US Supreme Court’s ruling that bans on same-sex marriage violate the Constitution. The …
No One Wants To Tell Knesset Speaker His Fly Open “I just couldn’t stay in there,” said a blushing Zehava Gal-On of Meretz. Jerusalem, June 21 – None of Israel’s other 119 parliamentarians want to be the one to inform Knesset Speaker Yuli Edelstein that the zipper of his trousers remains open, sources within the legislature reported this morning. Speaker Edelstein arrived at the lectern …
Knesset Intelligence Committee Ups Shoe-Theft Allocation The theft involves athletic shoes, boots, dress shoes, slippers, sandals, clogs, and those creepy shoes with individual toes. Jerusalem, June 13 – Building on the success of recent operations against anti-Israel agitators, the Israeli legislature’s Intelligence Committee held an emergency session to approve further funding for agents to steal more shoes from such activists. The Mossad, …
Herzog: Time To Set Aside Politics, Focus On Sowing Division “I, for one, will be withholding my customary reflexive criticism of the prime minister until these crises have abated, and will instead work on openly fomenting dissent and mutiny.” Tel Aviv, June 6 – As Israel faces renewed missile attacks in the south and a resurgence of boycott initiatives abroad, Opposition leader Isaac Herzog told …
Herzog: Bibi’s Response To Rockets Not Halfhearted Enough “How can we retain the already-scarce goodwill of the international community if we go defending ourselves at every opportunity?” Tel Aviv, May 27 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu late Tuesday, saying the premier’s muted response to rocket fire from the Gaza Strip was not nearly as lackluster as the …
Sara Netanyahu Pledges Half Of Bottle Refunds To Help Poor MKs Observers note that several MKs do seem to have a glaring need for help in certain areas. Jerusalem, May 20 – The wife of Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu took steps to shore up her public image today, announcing that fifty percent of the proceeds from her redemption of used beverage bottles would be allocated to …
Shipboard Rats Hire Livni As Consultant “Ms. Livni has proved a master at sensing disaster far in advance of our own capabilities, so naturally we invited her on board as a consultant.” Ashdod, May 12 – Seeking advice more expert than their own knowledge and experience, the rats aboard the container ship ZIM Hamburg have engaged MK Tzipi Livni as a …
Tibi Bill Would Require Every Natural Disaster To Include Israeli Deaths The bill, cosponsored by Meretz MK Ilan Gilon, was sparked by initial reports of the deadly earthquake in Nepal in late April. Jerusalem, May 5 – The twentieth Knesset opened yesterday with a legislative proposal that, if passed, would mandate at least one Israeli death in every natural disaster worldwide. MK Ahmad Tibi of the …
Palestinians Puzzled Why Israeli Unity Gov’ts Not Violently Divided Such discourse has sparked confusion among Palestinians, whose only experience of a unity government to date involves gunfire, bombs, arrests, and trumped-up charges. Ramallah, April 29 – Israeli politics continues to surprise Palestinian observers, researchers say, specifically the unfamiliar practice Israeli unity governments follow of not having its component factions oppose each other with protracted, deadly …
MK Zoabi On Likud Payroll; Helps Solidify Jewish Support For Bibi She has consistently expressed support for Palestinian ambitions to remove Jewish sovereignty from the land. Umm El Fahm, April 22 – Investigators are examining reports that MK Hanin Zoabi, a firebrand member of the United Arab List delegation, is actually working for a right-wing party, making headlines with her anti-Zionist rhetoric as a ploy to …
Gov’t To Ease Housing Crisis With Homes Of Leftists Who Vowed To Leave If Bibi Won Everyone knows that Labor and Meretz voters have the most personal integrity, and when they said they’re going to leave if Bibi is reelected, that means they intend to follow through. Jerusalem, April 15 – Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s incoming government intends to alleviate the pressing shortage of housing in the coming months by making …
Netanyahu Offers Herzog Ministry Of Inferior Few, if any, political figures are suited to the post of Minister of the Inferior as well as Herzog. Jerusalem, April 7 – Prime Minister-elect Binyamin Netanyahu raised the stakes in ongoing coalition negotiations today by dangling the post of Minister of the Inferior before Opposition leader Isaac Herzog. Most observers and political insiders believe Netanyahu’s actual …
Politicians Worry Olmert Conviction May Taint Profession Former cabinet minister Tzachi Hanegbi noted the existence of an actual Wikipedia entry on Israeli politicians convicted of various crimes. Jerusalem, March 31 – Leading political figures reacted to former Prime Minister Ehud Olmert’s conviction on corruption charges yesterday with concern that such a high-profile case of misconduct will tarnish the field’s reputation. The Jerusalem District …
Israeli Left Regrets Granting Suffrage To Non-Ashkenazim Evidently no one ever told them that democracy only works when you vote as the educated class sees fit. Tel Aviv, March 24 – The stunning electoral loss last week has ideologues and pragmatists on Israel’s political left wondering whether their predecessors made a mistake in allowing suffrage to Jews of non-European ancestry. Mizrahim, as …
ISRAEL ELECTION SHOCKER: Arab List Wins With 31 Seats The first congratulatory phone call to the head of the Joint List, Ayman Odeh, came from US President Barack Obama. Jerusalem, March 17 – Israel underwent an electoral upheaval today as a political party representing the Arab ethnic minority swept into power, soundly defeating the longtime powerhouses Labor and Likud. The Joint List, a consortium of …
Arab Head Of Israeli Election Committee Unaware Israel Apartheid State “It’s as if he can’t see the most obvious flaws in his world view.” Jerusalem, March 15 – Salim Joubran, a celebrated member of Israel’s judiciary who happens to be of Arab descent, remains completely unaware that Israel practices Apartheid against Arabs, excluding them from government positions and denying them democratic rights, human rights groups …
This Time, Livni To Stay Until Political Party Good And Sunk “I have always had the State’s interests at the forefront of my mind, and it is mere coincidence that those dynamic, fluid interests always happen to dovetail completely with my career aspirations.” Tel Aviv, March 9 – Aspiring prime minister Tzipi Livni responded to critics today, defending her political record and reputation by vowing not …
Legislation For Uncivil Marriage Achieves Consensus “There’s nothing more ‘status quo’ than uncivil marriage,” acknowledges MK Tzipi Livni. Jerusalem, March 3 – Political, cultural, and religious forces continue to vie for supremacy in resolving the question of whether Israel will recognize civil marriage, but even the warring factions on that front agree that uncivil marriage does not represent an unacceptable departure …
Bibi, Herzog Agree To Televised Shouting Match Such a medium dovetails with the entire society’s primary means of expression and communication. Jerusalem, February 24 – Israeli candidates for prime minister have not held a debate since the 1998 elections, but incumbent Binyamin Netanyahu and Opposition leader Isaac Herzog announced today they would hold the first in a series of encounters in which …
Fig Leaf Party Struggling To Convey Authenticity “Political donors want to use us for their own purposes and have refused to fully get behind our movement.” Tel Aviv, February 18 – A once-hopeful new player on Israel’s electoral scene has had trouble convincing the electorate of its sincerity, activists lamented today. The Fig Leaf Party, established hastily after early elections were announced several …
Herzog Blasts Bibi: Half Israeli Incomes Below National Average “It’s a documented feature of the Israeli economy that you can see right from the day Netanyahu took office.” Tel Aviv, February 4 – Opposition leader Isaac Herzog laced into incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu on the economic front today, citing Netanyahu’s failure to bring the incomes of the bottom half of Israeli households …
Facebook Down, Ministers Bored To Death In Cabinet Meeting Jerusalem, January 27 – The sudden collapse of Facebook and Instagram this morning inconvenienced more than a billion people, but perhaps none more so than the Israeli cabinet, who were now forced to pay attention during their weekly meeting. Long accustomed to whiling away the time staring at their mobile devices as a colleague drones …
Journalist Bravely Disregards Facts In Story About Jewish Racism “I think it speaks to the level of control the Zionist-controlled media has over the rest of the so called independent media.” London, January 24 – Mira Bar-Hillel, a British-Israeli Journalist working for the Evening Standard, helped break a story about Ultra-Orthodox Jews deleting Obama from the march in Paris two weeks ago. While President …
Herzog Waits Record 20 Minutes Before Exploiting Stabbing ‘An eternal two-digit number of minutes’ Tel Aviv, January 21 – Opposition leader and current electoral front-runner Isaac Herzog showed an unprecedented level of restraint in Israeli politics this morning by refraining from using today’s stabbing attack in Tel Aviv to score political points for a full twenty minutes. The attack took place at about …
Yisrael Beiteinu MKs Convert To Islam Rather Than Face Elections Jerusalem, January 17 – The confluence of poor polling results and a swath of recently-emerged corruption allegations has prompted several prominent figures in the hard-line Yisrael Beiteinu party to embrace Islam rather than participate in upcoming elections with the party. Six of the outgoing Members of Knesset from Yisrael Beiteinu traveled to Turkey last week …
CNN Offers $10K Reward For Positive Stories Of Islamists Atlanta, January 10 – In the interest of journalistic balance, the international news giant Cable News Network announced today it would pay $10,000 to individuals who submitted stories, or leads that produced stories, that cast Islamists in a positive light. The offer is intended to counteract the impression that viewers might otherwise form of violent …
Meretz To Offset Israeli Withholding Of Palestinian Tax Revenues Tel Aviv, January 3 – Israel responded today to the abortive Palestinian statehood bid at the Security Council by announcing it would cease its transfer of tax revenues it collects for the Palestinian Authority, prompting the political party Meretz to declare it would voluntarily reimburse the Palestinians for the nearly half-billion shekel sum currently outstanding. …
Elitists Already Disappointed By Election Results Ramat Aviv, December 28 – Israelis who obviously know better than you what is good for the country have already declared their dissatisfaction with the outcome of elections this coming March. A diverse group of elitists from across the narrowest sliver of the Israeli political spectrum gathered yesterday to mark what is clearly the death …
Israel To Move All Tel Aviv Embassies To Ashkelon Jerusalem, December 22 – The diplomatic rift between Israel and many other countries over the moribund peace process with the Palestinians widened today when Israel announced that all countries maintaining their embassies outside Israel’s official capital of Jerusalem would be required to move their facilities to the peripheral coastal city of Ashkelon. Many countries see …
In Concession, UNRWA Curriculum Reduced To 80% Incitement Gaza City, December 15 – A scathing analysis of the material imparted to Palestinian students at UN-administered schools has generated international pressure to cut from the curriculum incitement against Israel and Jews, leading the organization running the schools to promise to limit its engagement in such incitement to only four fifths of classroom and extracurricular time. …
18-Year-Old Still Thinks Her Vote Matters Haifa, December 9 – Dahlia Moshe wasn’t old enough to vote in the most recent municipal elections, but the upcoming Israeli national elections in March have her eager for the opportunity to participate in the democratic process, since she has yet to realize how futile an exercise it actually is. Ms. Moshe has yet to decide which …
Netanyahu Denies Having Scruples Corruption at the top has long been a tradition in Israeli politics. Jerusalem, December 2 – Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu responded harshly today to accusations he had developed a conscience or morals, following remarks by fellow politicians insinuating that he does not operate exclusively according to personal interest. As talks to preserve the governing …
Stupidity, Inanity Vying To Become Cause Of Early Elections Jerusalem, November 26 – Two of the most powerful forces in government – stupidity and inanity – continue to compete with each other for supremacy in bringing about the collapse of Prime Minister Netanyahu’s coalition, Knesset sources reported today. Stupidity in the form of shortsightedness and willful ignorance has been vying with a misguided devotion …
Meretz: Jewish Prayer Obviously Causes Massacres, Must Stop Jerusalem, November 18 – Lawmakers from the dovish Meretz party reacted to this morning’s massacre of Jewish worshipers in Jerusalem by urging the government to promote public safety by banning Jewish prayer everywhere, as it evidently constitutes a dangerous provocation for Palestinians to erupt in deadly attacks on random Jews. Four people were killed and …
Knesset Humor Committee Proposes Listening To Voters Jerusalem, November 12 – A bill originating with the Knesset Humor Committee to take the electorate’s wishes into consideration while legislating passed its initial vote Tuesday to raucous laughter. The Make Obligatory the Consideration by Knesset Electees of Represented Yearnings (MOCKERY) Act would make it an enforceable legal requirement of legislators to put the stated …
Israeli Left, Avatars Of Democracy, Reconsidering Democracy Tel Aviv, November 5 – Leading proponents of Israeli democracy are beginning to have second thoughts about the inclusion of democracy in their matrix of core ideological values, a new paper from a left-wing think-tank argued this week. In an analysis published in its quarterly journal, the organization Social Theorists And Leaders In Navelgazing (STALIN) …
New Sexual Harassment Law Sets Fines For Modest Dress Jerusalem, October 27 – The Knesset Women’s Issues Committee took up the challenge of sexual harassment today, approving a measure that would penalize male parliamentarians for neglecting to comment on a woman’s appearance while the body is in session, or otherwise engaging in suggestive or lewd behavior toward female colleagues, visitors, aides, or journalists. It …
Palestinian Economy To Boom After Getting $5.4B In Berlin Milkies Chief Palestinian Negotiator Saeb Erekat called a press conference today to announce that the Palestinian unity government had raised $5.4 Billion worth of Berlin Milkies. “The resale profit from Milkies sold here in the Zionist Entity should enable every PA minister to buy a third home in the French Riviera as well as redo their …