Politics

“It would be a shame to have so many CDs go to waste. My children’s preschool can only use so many of the things in crafts projects.” Jerusalem, May 1 – Employees at Israel’s Office of the Prime Minister found a creative use for the otherwise obsolete magnetic storage media containing Iran’s nuclear weapons development …

The expected course of action in Islamic society will involve suppression, denial, or accusations that the test was either wrong or manipulated. Umm el-Fahm, April 30 – A vocal member of Israel’s Arab political scene lapsed into atypical silence this weekend upon discovering that his genetic makeup indicates ancestry that Muslim rhetoric often invokes to disparage …

Analysts and political hopefuls rushed to suggest how such a party might come into being. Tel Aviv, April 24 – Political commentators and operatives buzzed with excitement this week following the publication of a survey that found incumbent Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu vulnerable to a “dream team” of figures who, if they formed a party in time …

They draw a salary far in excess of the median national monthly salary for full-time employees. Jerusalem, April 18 – As controversy swirls around the role of the judiciary in Israel and its relationship with the legislative branch of government, a group of NGOs has submitted a petition to the High Court of Justice urging …

He hopes to decide whether to order cabinet officials to remain silent at all times except behind closed official doors, with exceptions only he can authorize. Jerusalem, April 11 – Israel’s Prime Minister has begun considering expanding his order to Coalition officials and legislators to refrain from commenting on the situation in Syria, to include …

“Exactly none of the dead come from a demographic that would join a Zionist, or even Jewish, party, and I think we all know why that is.” Umm el-Fahm, April 3 – Officials from the parties composing the political alliance called the Joint List voiced frustration today that the masses of Palestinians who were expected …

“That’s a disturbing indication of what’s wrong with our society.” Tel Aviv, March 20 – A troubling new study points to systemic discrimination in Israel so deep that women judges receive, on average, bribes that are almost a third lower than male judges. Justice, the quarterly journal of Israel’s Bar Association, will publish a report …

Operatives arranged for votes from Palestinian-controlled areas, where they are not being used, to be smuggled into Israel. Jerusalem, March 19 – A volunteer with the consulate of France in Israel’s capital was arrested today and charged with smuggling votes to a political party desperate to head off disappearance from the Knesset in the next …

He voiced belief that reversing Trump’s relocation would reestablish the international limbo that his party has always excelled at maintaining. Tel Aviv, March 13 – Labor Party Chairman Avi Gabbay reacted to reports of possible parliamentary elections this year by taking the opportunity to make campaign promises, among them a pledge to have the American …

The cover story for ostensibly impending elections involves mutually exclusive red lines declared by the Haredi parties in the coalition and Yisrael Beiteinu. Jerusalem, March 7 – Officials at the Prime Minister’s Office reported today that the President of Russia has asked Israel’s premier not to announce new elections until Russian operatives can complete their …

This time the evidence would leave no doubt that he had thoroughly abused Palestinians. Jerusalem, February 28 – Drama continued to surround a series of corruption cases involving Israel’s prime minister this afternoon as a prominent member of a human rights group volunteered to perpetrate physical abuse against Palestinians if that would help encourage the …

It aimed at depicting his political rivals as deranged, obsessed, and dangerous, given the affinity between them and Haaretz. Tel Aviv, February 22 – New revelations continued to rock Israel’s political scene today as allegations emerged that the embattled prime minister had proposed an illegal payment and other possible benefits to the publisher of a …

The revelations came on the heels of a police decision to recommend criminal prosecution for Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu in two cases. Jerusalem, February 15 – Scandal continued to rock Israel’s political scene yesterday as dozens of legislators were swept up in a widening investigation into illegal acceptance of gifts following delivery to the parliament …

“We dispute the categorizing people as ‘Jewish’ or ‘Arab’ for the poll,” the report read. “NGO work calls for that distinction to be made only when it fits the narrative of evil-Jews.” Tel Aviv, February 7 – A human-rights-monitoring group showcased a survey today of Arabs who hold Israeli citizenship regarding the impending deportation of …

“He better not blow this.” Jerusalem, January 30 – Women legislators from across the political spectrum voiced their frustration today with a colleague whose antics they contend shames the parliament, and dared him to measure his dong against theirs, with the loser agreeing to step down. MKs Aida Touma-Sliman, Michal Biran, Tamar Zandberg, Rachel Azaria, …

Employing his diplomatic immunity, Netanyahu will repeat the taboo phrase for the duration of his speech. Jerusalem, January 29 – Sources within the Prime Minister’s Office reported today that Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu will deliver an address to the Polish legislature later this week consisting entirely of the phrase “Polish death camps” repeated again and again. The …

The Tamimi clan has yet to offer a formal response; the couple was too busy fielding expressions of support for cousin Ahlam, accomplice to the slaughter of 15 people in a 2001 bombing. Tel Aviv, January 23 – A prominent Palestinian-American activist who styles herself a feminist leader has amended her desire to confiscate the lady parts of two …

The prime minister called talk of his supposed inability to conduct the business of the state a naan-issue. Jerusalem, January 17 – Political adversaries of the prime minister took to the media today to denounce him for using a trip to India to distract from the scandals plaguing his administration, and to caste doubt on …

“Haaretz, at least, should know better, with its out-in-the-open prioritizing of political change over journalistic integrity.” Tel Aviv, January 10 – Members of Israel’s political Opposition and adherents of parties or ideologies at odds with the governing right-wing coalition expressed resignation today over the fact that the mainstream media support the Opposition, thus depriving the Left …

Figures show not a single death from a construction site accident among income earners of twenty-five-thousand shekels per month and above. Jerusalem, January 4 – An investigative committee formed to study socioeconomic gaps and to formulate policies to address them has issued a scathing report on fatal accidents that occur at construction sites, and noted …

Two lawmakers objected to the proposal, arguing that the clog-prone toilet should be named for other, more worthy candidates, perhaps people closer to home. Jerusalem, December 28 – Reports of discussions surrounding a proposal to name a future train station near the Western Wall after US President Donald Trump in appreciation of his decision to …

Many government and public-sector employees find it difficult to transition from their routine stonewalling of citizens to the stonewalling that takes place as part of a strike. Jerusalem, December 20 – A strike among public-sector workers entered its fourth day today, but the public has not caught on because there appears to be no noticeable …

The prime minister gave a specific nod to Socialist Venezuela, where the opposition has been similarly banned. Jerusalem, December 13 – Bowing to ongoing criticism from the left of Israel’s political spectrum, Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu agreed today to implement various policies associated with Socialism, beginning with the disqualification of opposition parties from fielding candidates …

The List will not be permitted to avail itself of Fifth Column privileges for the next two years, but will be eligible to reapply at the end of 2019. Jerusalem, December 11 – The alliance of four mostly-Arab parties in Israel’s parliament faces bureaucratic and procedural difficulties in the months ahead after the group failed to submit …

All these perfectly good fat jokes are going to go to waist. Tel Aviv, December 5 – Following reports that Coalition Whip David Bitan will step down after being implicated in a corruption investigation, hack writers and pundits across Israel’s media scene sighed, shook their heads in resignation, and consigned to oblivion their untapped reserve …

The projects include paving paradise, constructing a parking lot at the same location, a contract to operate a big yellow taxi service based there, another to build tree museum, and another to operate the facility and charge people the shekel equivalent of US $1.50 admission. Jerusalem, November 28 – New troubles appear to face Israeli …

“Joshua and David should have consulted us before they waged their short-sighted campaigns.” Tel Aviv, November 21 – Activists in the country’s leading organization promoting removal of Jewish communities from areas Palestinians claim for a future state are leveling criticism at two major leaders of the nation for promoting the establishment and development of such communities …

“A truly God-fearing society would see the petty, manipulative, egotistic, narcissistic, greedy blowhards of the Knesset crushed into the ground.” Jerusalem, November 14 – Following the announcement by a prominent Iranian cleric that the deadly earthquake there on Sunday morning reflected divine displeasure for various forms of sexual immorality, a leading ultra-orthodox Rabbi in Israel …

“This kind of overflow in spending obviously requires attention, but it would be unwise to assume it can be sustained over the long term.” Jerusalem, November 8 – Ministry of Finance auditors have found that an initiative to construct a tremendous toilet down which to flush the public’s money has far exceeded the funds allocated …

Other than ambitious individuals who aim to seize power for themselves, supporters of such a system tend to populate countries that have never experienced its depredations. Caracas, November 1 – A movement of activists calling for overthrow of the prevailing capitalist and democratic economic and political system intends to establish a system in its place …

By the same process, incidentally, pundits, apologists, and politicians have always justified violence against Jews as ‘legitimate resistance to occupation.’ Tel Aviv, October 26 – A groundbreaking new study has confirmed for the first time what many people have concluded through innate intuition: that being on the “right” side of a given political issue grants …

Several disgruntled former administration officials have joined the nascent movement, including a number from Jeroboam’s tribe of Ephraim. Shechem, October 22 – Israel’s fractured political scene continued its fragmentation today as a former Solomon administration official announced the formation of a new political party separate from the governing faction in Judah. Jeroboam, son of Nebat, …

The statement cited an impending UNESCO resolution declaring the meteorological phenomena of Israel to be part of Palestinian cultural heritage. Jerusalem, October 16 – As of last Thursday, Jewish liturgy calls for the thrice-daily prayers to begin mentioning God as the source of wind and rain, a practice that politicians from Israel’s Arab community are …

“It’s important for Israel to show solidarity with the people and… industry of Las Vegas in this difficult time.” Jerusalem, October 2 – A mass shooting at a concert in Las Vegas last night has prompted Israeli lawmaker Oren Hazan to begin enthusiastic preparations for a mission to provide aid and solidarity to the people …

“It’s only fitting that the place that shares its name with the Hebrew term for a synagogue be governed by similar rules.” Jerusalem, September 24 – Leaders of the ultra-orthodox parties in Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu’s governing coalition flexed their political muscles today, issuing an ultimatum that unless men and women Members of Knesset are …

The plaza, which covers the area between the security gates and the entrance to the parliament building itself, features no plant life. Jerusalem, September 17 – Inspired by the civic spirit of an American preteen who volunteered to cut the grass on the White House lawn, an Israeli youth has offered his services in mowing …

Rabin’s candidacy for sainthood has been a matter of discussion within the Church of the Peace Process for more than twenty years. Tel Aviv, September 12 – The head of one of Israel’s most venerable ideological institutions has initiated a process aimed at recognizing late Prime Minister Itzhak Rabin as a saint, officials in the …

They want you to succumb to conspiracy theories because it dumbs you down. Jerusalem, September 7 – Government documents obtained by journalists today reveal that what you have concluded from the information provided to you on earlier occasions matches with what unspecified forces in government, media, and business want you to believe. In what many experts are …

“Perhaps somebody should remind them what freedom of expression entails, maybe by firing rockets at them from the Gaza Strip.” Umm el-Fahm, September 3 – A firebrand Arab-Israeli parliamentarian has waded into controversy again, remarking Sunday that when Israeli security forces arrest Palestinians for attempting or planning attacks on Israelis, those arrests constitute a stifling …

Frustration over the diluted effect of multiple corruption probes of Netanyahu has had the counterintuitive effect of protests to demand more investigative activity. Jerusalem, August 30 – Analysts and political activists voiced concerns today that reports of an investigation into conflict-of-interest and public trust issues involving Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu may have adverse consequences for public attention …

When you engage in such activity, it represents democratic accountability to the electorate, whereas when others perform functionally identical activities, they represent special interest groups who exploit or harm democratic systems for their own narrow ends. Jerusalem, August 22 – New research has given a scientific basis to a venerable assumption in politics, according to which …

“Their factions haven’t held sway in long time, but they’re still acting as if they matter. It’s kind of pathetic.” Ramallah, August 21 – Aides and other officials present at a meeting yesterday between Meretz Party Chairwoman Zahava Gal-On and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas spent much of the encounter and its immediate aftermath wondering …

Kahlon ordered the preparation of the report following the lackluster performance of his flagship housing initiative. Tel Aviv, August 16 – Rising real estate prices have put the purchase of a home beyond the reach of most Israelis who seek to live near where the bulk of jobs are, leading the Minister of Finance to …

“We trust him to distill and explain things that our female brains, addled by hormones, are ill-equipped to handle.” Jerusalem, August 9 – The Israeli legislature’s Committee on the Status of Women has appointed one of its male members to address their meetings to help the women understand what they are supposed to be doing, …

Coverage of such developments might give the public the wrong idea about what happens when a government administers the economy and drives it into the ground. Jerusalem, July 31 – Figures across the left part of Israel’s political spectrum seek to prevail upon news media personalities and organizations to refrain from carrying stories about the …

“This was a bold, decisive move,” insisted Yuval Shebnitz, an official closely allied with King Bibi. Jerusalem, July 27 – King Bibi Hizkiyahu of Judah emptied the treasury of Solomon’s Temple and sent them as tribute to the advancing King of Assyria Sennacherib today, reassuring the people of Jerusalem that surely the Assyrians will be …

“As the Jewish proverb states, ‘In a place where there is no man, strive to be a man.’” Jerusalem, July 23 – The Israeli government’s relative restraint in the aftermath of two murdered police officers and more than a week of deadly rioting has forced lawmakers from the Joint List alliance in the Knesset to …

“Technically, it would be more democratic if we focused on Israelis, but politics is the art of compromise,” acknowledged MK Ilan Gilon. Tel Aviv, July 18 – A leading news and opinion powerhouse has joined forces with like-minded figures on Israel’s political scene, and will devote some of its online and print space to giving …

Ssecular parents and activists fear a trend of religion encroaching on the secular public sphere, lo aleinu. Tel Baruch, Tel Aviv, July 13 – The new head of Israel’s largest Opposition party devoted his attention today to parents’ concerns that their children in the otherwise secular education system are being indoctrinated with religious content, and promised …

Labor officials acknowledged Erekat’s argument. “It’s more or less true.” Ramallah, July 5 – Following the election of a yet another Israeli Jew as the new chairman of the country’s Labor Party, Palestinian leaders accused both the party and wider Israeli society of maintaining ethnic segregation aimed at denying Palestinians political and civil rights. Saeb …

“None of the credible candidates offer the promise of eliminating or mitigating this threat to public health,” elaborated Aryush Itinmi. Jerusalem, July 3 – Public Health officials in Israel announced today they are recalling the latest batch of Labor Party primaries over concerns they may contain elevated levels of patheticalness, lost glory, and flogged dead …

“We cannot risk people being exposed to those vile creatures.” Jerusalem, June 28 – Health inspectors visiting Israel’s legislative compound have closed the site’s dining facility after discovering the space teeming with politicans. The room is expected to remain closed for two days while fumigation takes place. A routine inspection of the Knesset by Jerusalem …

“Conducting business in occupied areas legitimizes and cements occupation.” Geneva, June 21 – Demonstrators protested today outside the United Nations Human Rights Council, calling for Palestinians to stop running their businesses in areas under Israeli occupation, and to demand the Council condemn Palestinians who make a living there, as conducting business in occupied territory violates …

“What does he think he is, some objective personality?” Jerusalem, June 19 – Lawmakers from several Opposition parties in the Knesset voiced anger today at the Attorney General for not opening an inquiry into Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu over possible involvement in the London blaze last week that left dozens of people dead. Attorney General Avichai …

“The data are clear on this,” asserted Straw Mann, lead author of the study. Tel Aviv, June 14 – Groundbreaking new research has confirmed a longstanding hypothesis according to which the violence committed by people or entities allied with your political position is an aberration, regardless of its frequency and intensity, whereas violence perpetrated by …

“Adherence to procedure is a cornerstone of democratic institutions and societies, which means we cannot simply disregard the traditional ban on codes of ethics.” Ramat Gan, June 11 – The Jewish Home Party kicked off efforts over the weekend to formulate a new code of ethics for party leaders and functionaries, in a move that …

The party leadership has continued to conduct itself as if Labor’s positions still matter on a national level. Jerusalem, June 6 – Polling stations across Israel will open in several weeks for the Labor Party primaries, in which the party membership will select its next leader for a period of continued marginal significance to national politics. …

“The current Minister of Transport might have some good intentions when it comes to this infrastructure, but not good enough. Labor can and will do better.” Tel Aviv, June 1 – Candidates in the upcoming primary for leadership of Israel’s Labor Party voice forceful disagreement on the party’s direction, but agree that crumbling infrastructure occupies …

They would not, heaven forbid, thereby imply that it was a bad thing when Israelis are targeted for terrorism. Jerusalem, May 24 – The Joint List alliance of mostly-Arab parties in the Knesset issued its condemnation of Monday night’s bombing outside a concert in Manchester, England, after ascertaining that the terrorist attack everyone was discussing …

The time has come to recognize the failure of every such model that has been proposed, and to promote ideas with more contemporary relevance. Jerusalem, May 22 – Israeli political figures who long advocated a long-term resolution with the Palestinians that encompasses two states for two peoples have admitted that the notion has run its …