Showing 421–480 of 578 articles · Page 8 of 10
Let’s Breach Jerusalem’s Walls So Entitled Whiners Have To Fast Thousands Of Years From Now By Nevuzaradan, Babylonian General Men, we’re on the brink of a breakthrough. One final push today and we can breach the fortifications of Jerusalem. These Jews have given Emperor Nebuchadnezzar more than a handful’s worth of trouble for years already, and I know you’re as ready as I am to finish off this nuisance of …
We Could Attack In Groups And They’d Still Call Us Lone Wolves By Mustafa Rehzi, ISIS Recruiter Men, we have met the enemy and they are confused. Those Western infidel pigs cannot decide whether they are at war. That makes it easier for us to plan attacks, but it diminishes some of the desired psychological impact we aim to exert. For this campaign to be effective, we …
OMG, Rashi. Is It Too Late To Disable Comments? By God Rashi, you and I have to have a word or two. This penchant of yours for submitting comments on almost every post of Mine has gotten out of hand. I’m going to have to explore the option of disabling the comments feature on all of My content. This is crazy. I know you …
The Rabbinate Should Not Decide What Doomed Marriage I Can Enter By Daniel Goldberg I’ve been married three times, each one ending in divorce. I’ve had multiple other relationships before, between, and since, each one repeating and compounding the failures of all that came before it. I don’t need the orthodox Rabbinate determining for me what kind of doomed marriage I’m allowed to have. Looking back …
What Is This Idea Of ‘Asylum’ For Refugees Of Which You Speak? By The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRWA) We’ve been hearing quite a bit about some expectation that refugees be resettled in places other than the ones they left and thus be given the opportunity to start over, which prompts us to wonder: how would such so-called “asylum” allow the refugees …
The Pigeons Are Crapping All Over Everything In This Goddamn Ark By Noah, Son of Lemech When I agreed to take on the task of preserving all the land-based life in the world, I expected some difficulty. It cannot be easy to tend to countless species, to keep predators and prey apart, to dispense food and clean out stalls, to avoid getting attacked, the whole deal. …
Why Didn’t The Hebrews Just Fire Pharaoh? By Donald Trump Have you all read the book of Exodus? Great Book. Terrific book. Always holds my interest. But you know, there’s one thing about the whole saga of the Exodus I don’t understand: why didn’t the Hebrews just fire Pharaoh? That’s what I’d do, in that situation. I’d just terminate the guy’s job, …
You Can’t Call Hitler A Nazi! It’s Too Emotive! By Loretta Lynch, Attorney General There is entirely too much emotive language being used in our society’s rhetoric, especially in the aftermath of the Orlando shootings. If we are to face the myriad cultural, legal, security, and bigotry challenges with any degree of seriousness, we cannot allow ourselves to indulge in flinging around epithets whose …
I Like Giving Conflicting Prophecies To Different Leaders By God It never ceases to amaze Me how you humans get hold of an idea and force everything else to fit that idea, no matter how bloody or unpleasant the consequences. It also amuses me to no end (I am, after all, infinite). That is why I love to play different cultures and cultural …
We Have To Co-Opt The Orlando Shooting For Palestine Without Supporting Gays By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President As with every other major tragedy, our task as Palestinian leaders and advocates is to tie our struggle in with the victims of the Orlando night club massacre, but in this case we have to make sure to do so in a way that does not invite the accusation that …
We’re So Indigenous, The Land Came From Us By Mahmoud Abbas I’m getting tired of having to reiterate our ancient claim to the land of Palestine and how it far precedes that of the Jews, so let me settle this once and for all by establishing that we have been here so long, the very Earth emerged from us, and not the other …
It’s OK Children, The Media Will Never Accuse Us Palestinians Of Lying By Mustafa Mustashi, Ramallah schoolteacher All right, class, settle down. I’ve been hearing a lot of talk lately about lying, about getting caught lying, and the consequences of lying. So I want to make one thing perfectly clear to each and every one of you: the media will never accuse us Palestinians of lying. You …
A Land Flowing With Milf And Honey? I Am SO There. By Zmiri Ben-Salu, Tribe of Simeon Oh, man, this is going to be great. Have you heard? Moses came back from Midian to tel us the LORD is going to take us out of this godforsaken place and bring us to a land flowing with milf and honey. I am SO there. Egypt has its …
The Opposition May Choose A New Leader. It’s So Cute. By Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu The Labor Party, not to mention the Zionist Union faction and the Opposition in general, is in the throes of debate over whether Labor chief Buji Herzog should remain the leader of the Opposition – or even of his own party. It’s just so cute. I don’t know what path …
Abbas’s Butt Tastes Better Than Netanyahu’s By Shelly Yechimovich, Labor Party It’s been a trying couple of weeks for the Labor Party in Israel, but we are about to put this chapter behind us, for better or for worse. As I write these words the leader of our party, Buji Herzog, has not ruled out joining the Netanyahu government, and I, for …
Syrian Lives Aren’t As Important As My Legacy By Barack Obama Recent reports about Ben Rhodes, my foreign policy guru, and his alleged overselling of the Iran Deal have raised quite a few questions about my Middle East policy. To lay those questions to rest, let me be clear: the deal is about my legacy, and appeasing Iran as much as necessary to …
No Israel-Nazi Comparisons In Today’s Haaretz? We’re Slacking By Amos Schocken, Publisher Thank you for coming to this meeting, Haaretz staffers. Together we can continue to forge new paths in journalism. But we can only do so if we meet certain requirements for production and content -and today’s edition of the paper, both online and in print, contains no in-house comparisons of Israel …
Hey, Picot, You Have To Come See The Middle East Now By Mark Sykes, British Diplomat François? You have to see this, François. Look at the areas of the former Ottoman Empire in 2016. Look at the countries we essentially created with a swipe of the pen a hundred years ago. You see them, François? This didn’t turn out exactly as we planned, did it, mon ami? …
I Hope That Red Sea Incident Doesn’t Raise My Chariot Insurance Premiums By Thutmose III, Ruler of Egypt We all have accidents on the roads, even the best drivers. Sometimes circumstances are simply beyond a driver’s control. Given that fact, I’m relying on the insurance company writing off the loss of my chariot fleet at the Sea of Reeds as an Act of God and deciding not …
I’m Going To Drive A Hard Bargain To Buy The Chametz This year By Tom the Shabbos Goy Officially my job here at the synagogue is caretaker, but I do more than just custodial work and landscaping. The community pays me just fine, as far as that goes, but I think I it’s time to up the ante. When the time comes this week to purchase the community’s …
Nutjob Racists Side With Us. Checkmate, Zionists By Ali Qawasmeh For years, the pitched rhetorical battle for public opinion has waged, between the supporters of freedom, liberty, human rights, and everything good, and the Zionists. Somehow the evil Zionists managed to hoodwink enough influential people into supporting them. But now that Donald Trump’s campaign, a slew of American academics, and various British …
She Sells Seashells By The Seashore Because She’s A Capitalist Zionist Pig You know what another name for a shore is? A bank. And who runs the banks? Q.E.D. You think you’re so smart. You think things work a certain way, and if you just follow the rules, everything will be OK. Well, I’m here to dispel that comfortable little illusion of yours. That seemingly innocent little …
Am I Allowed To Use A Non-Palestinian In A Victim Role, Mr. Director? By Sylvia Martin, Casting Director Sir, I know it’s an unusual request, and under normal circumstances I would not even have a question in this regard, but I’ve been going through the characters we have for this production and I’ve been wondering: whenever there’s a victim depicted, would it be possible to use somebody who …
Sir, You Didn’t Select A No-Hijacking Seat On Your Flight By Fatima Saidi, EgyptAir Customer Service Representative Good morning, sir. How can I be of service today? Yes, I understand. Have you reviewed our refund policy? Good, good. Then let me file your request for a- oh, wait. This might not be a valid request. Sir, you didn’t select a no-hijacking seat on your flight. That …
Flesh Of Palestinian Children Makes A Superior Hamantasch Filling By Anne London, Jewish cuisine expert Jerusalem, March 23 – Just in time for Purim, I’m here to share with you some Secrets of the Zionist Kitchen, the only program that uses the clandestine strategies and pursuits of the infamous Jewish cabal to improve your cooking. First, we must dispel some myths. Not all Jewish cooking …
Sire, Haman’s Lottery For When To Kill The Jews Promotes Gambling It departs so drastically from the careful, sober management of affairs that has characterized His Majesty’s reign to date. Susa, March 17 – Your Majesty, I understand that His Excellency the High Vizier Haman ben Hamdatha has petitioned His Highness to call for the extermination of the Jews throughout the realm in a single day, but I …
An Interview With Allah PreOccupied Territory caught up with the Almighty Creator and Ruler of the Universe, and chatted with Him about everything from societal trends to questions of epic historical significance. The following is condensed from the full-length interview. PT: Thanks so much for agreeing to this interview. We understand it’s not an everyday thing, considering the myriad concerns …
We Don’t Need Your Favors, Israel. Now Give Us Everything, Free By Saeb Erekat Ramallah, March 8 – We Palestinians are a strong, independent people with no need to rely on the illegitimate, sullied hand of Israel to achieve anything. Now give us everything, Israel, or the resulting collapse of the Palestinian Authority will be all your fault. The noble cause of Palestinian sovereignty, the removal …
Once Obama’s Out We’re Gonna Need Actual Lobbyists In Washington By Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Supreme Leader, Islamic Republic of Iran Tehran, March 3 – Barack Obama has ten months left in office. Much can happen in that time, but he has been a stalwart ally in reshaping American policy in the Middle East in our favor, despite our lack of formal diplomatic ties. His felicitousness …
Lady, Will You Stop Screaming? I’m Trying To Stab People Here The obstacles are formidable enough without your banshee impression. Jerusalem, February 28 – Ma’am, how is anybody supposed to accomplish anything with you yelling like that at the top of your lungs? I’m trying to stab as many Jews as possible before I get shot, and I can’t concentrate properly with you wailing. This isn’t …
Consequences Are For Jews By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President When I signed a slew of international treaties last year, making a big show of Palestinian legitimacy on the international stage, I had one more thing in mind: using those treaties as cudgels with which to strike Israel. It is by now a trope that Palestinian violations of international agreements …
Got A Shoehorn? I Gotta Fit A Story Into The Anti-Israel Narrative By Luke Baker, Reuters I seem to have misplaced my shoehorn. That’s going to make it more difficult to force the story I have to report to fit the familiar assumptions of Israel-bad, Palestinians-good. Not impossible, mind you, but more difficult. Do you happen to have a shoehorn you can spare, just for an hour …
Are There Any Other Allies I Can Alienate? Asking For A Friend By Barack Obama In the space of less than a year, my administration has successfully shaken longstanding commitments to the security and integrity of three US allies in the Middle East: Israel, Saudi Arabia and Turkey. Does anyone know if there are other such allies I can alienate in the eleven months I have left …
I Can’t Stab Jews Today? You Never Let Me Do ANYTHING By Falestin Masri, age 13 Mother, you’re being completely unreasonable. All I want to do is go out with a sharp implement and impale as many Jews as possible, but you insist I finish my homework and chores first. That just won’t work – we both know by the time I finish there won’t be …
If Only There Were A Way To Link Palestinian Incitement With Violence By the BBC, Guardian, NY Times, Associated Press, Reuters, Agence France-Presse, Times of London, CNN, CBS News, Globe and Mail, Independent, and Los Angeles Times Responsible journalists know that jumping to conclusions about the causes of an event only muddies the picture. That is why our organizations and others operating in the Israel-Palestine theater eschew direct …
Teach The Kids Jews Are Pigs? But This Is A Math Class By Al Jebra, arithmetic teacher, Yasser Arafat Elementary School, Hebron I’ve been an arithmetic teacher here in Hebron for seven years. I’ve eminently qualified to stand before my students in that classroom down the hall and impart to them the basics of the operations, symbols, and principles of the field. So I’m having trouble trying …
The Jews Aren’t Using Mind Control On Me? Then Explain My Stupidity By Duncan Lamaar, antisemitic conspiracy theorist I’ve had it with you people who can’t see the reality staring them in the face. You keep living in your delusional world, until it comes crashing down and destroys your precious bubble of denial. A sober look at the facts demonstrates beyond doubt that some things can only be …
We Need To Kill Lots Of Jews, But Not So Many That We Lose Sympathy By Mahmoud Abbas Balance is the key to the successful conduct of any enterprise. Give too much weight to only one set of interests, and the entire project will be in jeopardy. For us Palestinians, the challenge since at least the 1960’s has been to kill as many Jews as we can, but not so …
What’s In This Manna? I’m Vegan By Tzemah ben Zera, Tribe of Dan The Lord’s provision of food for our multitudes here in the wilderness on a daily basis is nothing short of miraculous. I will be the first to acknowledge His manifest care and attention to our needs in this fraught time. I need to know, however, whether this amazing …
Let’s Use All The Media To Say We’re Being Silenced By Zehava Gal-On, Meretz Chairwoman Israeli democracy is in danger as we speak. Liberal voices are being silenced, and the surest way to let the public know about it is to trumpet the fact that we’re being silenced, via every newspaper, news site, radio station, TV news program, and social media channel. The danger is real. …
There’s Still Time To Record Fatah Bribes As 2015 Income By Akru Walbaissis, CPA, Palestinian Tax Authority The calendar already says 2016, but for us accountants, the work on 2015 has barely begun. If you haven’t filed the proper documentation for the bribes or kickbacks you gave Fatah officials last year, you should get cracking. There’s still time to record bribes, extortion payments, kickbacks, blood …
Palestinian Organs Are The Wrong Tissue Type For Us Apes/Pigs By Dr. Simeon Hazir, Nephrologist, Ichilov Hospital It’s time for the Palestinian leadership to make up its mind: either we Jews are harvesting the organs of the terrorists we kill, or we’re the descendants of apes and pigs. The two are mutually exclusive from a medical standpoint. So I wish they would make up their …
Whose Palms Must I Grease To Get This Bribery Conviction Overturned? By former Prime Minster Ehud Olmert I said my piece today in court about my innocence, and about how I will respect the High Court’s rulings on my impending prison sentences. My legal team is examining what further options we have, but it comes down to this: whom do I have to bribe to get …
NGO Funding?! Only WE’RE Allowed To Label Where Things Are From! By the European Union The legislation approved by Israel’s cabinet yesterday, requiring that NGOs receiving more than half their finding from foreign governments be marked as such in all their dealings in the Knesset, violates a central principle of democracy: only we, the European Union, are allowed to require that anything be marked based on its …
Only Immigrants And Terrorists Need To Pee By Donald Trump, terrific, amazing billionaire We have to make America great again. Vote for me to become president and we’ll get there faster than you can say, “Multiple bankruptcies.” It’ll be amazing. You’ll never need to pee again. Only immigrants and terrorists need to pee. Real Americans can control themselves. That’s what upset me …
Blaming Israel For Everything Has Really Helped My Marriage By Ahmad Al-Hajj Nobody ever said marriage was easy. Even in a male-dominated, patriarchal society such as ours, there is no substitute for a romantic relationship with a woman who chooses to love you despite – or perhaps because of – your shortcomings. And the shortcomings I always blame on Israel, so I don’t have to …
Tolerance Is So Important To Us, We’ll Even Tolerate Intolerance* *especially of Jews By Western Europe If there is one thing Europe has learned from its bloody history, it is the supreme value of tolerance. Centuries of near-constant warfare, fed by religion, ethnicity, politics, and competition finally grew so destructive that we have been forced to reassess our traditional biases, and rearrange our priorities. Tolerance …
I Like To Think Of Jews As ‘Those People With No Political Rights’ By Jeremy Ben-Ami, director, J-Street You’ve heard me say it many times, and you’ve seen our publicity campaigns: we’re a pro-peace, pro-Israel organization. In practice, that means we suborn our idea of “pro -Israel” to our idea of “peace.” To us, peace means removing Jews from their ancestral heartland so Palestinians can get what we …
Wait, I Was Supposed To Bring Journalistic Integrity To The Job? By Jodi Rudoren, NY Times Jerusalem Bureau Chief It’s been a challenging, exhilarating, fulfilling stint here at the Jerusalem bureau, and I’m grateful for all of you who helped make my time here so wonderful. It is a bittersweet departure for me, and not only because I’m leaving behind such fantastic people, but also because …
Training Kids To Stab Opponents Is Key To Building A Stable Society By Nabil Shaath, Palestinian Official The attacks on Israelis over the last two months have served two purposes: one, to resist the ongoing Occupation by any means possible; and two, to educate the next generation in a primary tool of political discourse necessary to create the society we want once we achieve real independence for the …
What’s The Best Knife For Stab- I Mean To Have Planted On Me? By Suha Jabbari, 17 Dad, I want to go perform a heroic martyrdom operation and kill some pig Jews. What’s the best implement to use so I make sure to do the most dam- I mean, so that when the Israelis plant it on me it doesn’t look like I was a pathetic victim? I …
Your Obtuseness About Why I Want To Kill You Makes Me Want To Kill You By Ali Mustafa, Daesh fighter I don’t know how many times we have to say why we want to kill you infidels before you finally take us at our word. Your seeming inability to comprehend why we want to kill you when we make no bones about exactly why we want to kill you is …
First ‘Queers For Palestine,’ Then ‘Soviet POWs For Auschwitz’ By Sarah Schulman, LGBTQ and Palestinian Rights Activist Progressives have to stick together, and must take care not to become hyper-focused only on their respective areas of concern. Progressivism is an attitude that does not lend itself to fragmented endeavors. All progressive causes are related and interdependent. That is why I have decided that once my …
If Only There Were Some Non-Violent Way To Protest By Bassem Tamimi, Palestinian Activist President Abbas asserted to the United Nations General Assembly several weeks ago what we all know to be true: that ours is a culture of peace. It might sometimes appear otherwise, since we engage in so much violence, but believe me: if there existed some way to express our displeasure …
Jews, Don’t Talk To Me About People Not Caring When You’re Killed By Kenny McCormick, South Park You Jews have got it tough. You’ve been persecuted. Enslaved. Massacred. Impoverished. Slandered. Dehumanized. And precious few people seem to care, if at all. Nevertheless, you’ll have to excuse me for not rushing to show compassion or to protect you, because I’m a little bit caught up in my own …
My Scariest Halloween Costume? Palestinian Accountability By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority Ramallah, November 1 – Islamic societies naturally have different cultural touchstones from those of the West, given their vastly different origins. I nevertheless appreciate some of the Western cultural phenomena despite their foreignness, and my favorite has long been dressing up as the scariest thing one can manage …
If We Palestinians Aren’t The Victims, We Have No Identity By Saeb Erekat It takes very little observation to realize that the Palestinian approach to the conflict with Israel – and, let’s face it, with the Jews – follows the Zero Sum Game dynamic. One side is either absolutely in the right or absolutely in the wrong. There is no room for nuance. Our position …
This Time Peacekeepers Won’t Rape Anyone, We Promise By François Hollande, President of France Soon the United Nations Security Council will consider a French proposal to place international peacekeepers at the Temple Mount/Haram al-Sharif to maintain order and reduce tensions. While opposition to such a move is formidable even among the parties to the conflict, I wish to reassure them and the rest …
I Can’t Believe The Hypocrisy I Have To Defend Here At State By John Kirby, State Department Spokesman As a former rear admiral in the US Navy and a PR and media relations officer for many years, I’ve faced my share of policies and activities that were a challenge to explain and support. But nothing in my career prepared for the level of hypocrisy I’m supposed to …
We Will Defuse The Jerusalem Situation With A Nice Provocative Gesture By Ayman Odeh, Head, Joint Arab List Tensions over the Haram al-Sharif – that’s the so-called Temple Mount to those Jews – have only been increasing of late, so the responsible thing for political leaders to do right now is to de-escalate. The best way to accomplish that is a provocative act of defiance and …