Showing 361–420 of 578 articles · Page 7 of 10
Come Join Labor This Summer At Our Labor Camps By Isaac Herzog, Labor Party Chairman The youth are the key to keeping our party and our country vibrant. Any party that seeks to remain relevant must appeal to the emerging youth demographic. That is why I am pleased to announce that Labor will be running summer programs for children and teens this July and …
Would It Be OK If I Used Aid Money To Line My Pockets Instead Of Paying Murderers? By Mahmoud Abbas Western governments appear to be cracking down on how we Palestinians use the funds they provide for us to run our little fiefdom, including an unprecedented insistence that we not use those monies to pay lifetime pensions to our brave murderers sitting in Israeli jails, and to the families of those martyred …
We Nazis Never Get Credit On Earth Day For Making The Grass More Luxuriant With Mass Graves By Heinrich Himmler Another Earth Day has come and gone, another Earth Day on which my part in making certain forests and fields in Eastern Europe greener has gone unrewarded. Does no one realize how much better the grass grows over the sites where the bodies of thousands of liquidated Jews fertilize it? I would …
I Didn’t Realize It Would Be THIS Easy To Sanitize My Jew-Hate As A Progressive By Itbah al-Yahud When I joined the progressive movement, I knew it would not be difficult to use it as a defense against accusations of antisemitism, but I must admit I had no idea it would be nearly this easy. To the casual observer, a progressive attitude welcomes identity groups of all kinds and strives for …
By Holia Thanthow Western powers, especially the US, have quite a bit to answer for already, but this latest missile strike on Syria – ostensibly in response to the use of chemical weapons – adds further injustice to the world, and not merely in the form of inevitable civilian casualties: using a weapon whose name …
Being Propped Up By Iran And Russia Is Totally Not Going To Be Shameful For My Regime By Basher Assad, President, Syrian Arab Republic We Arabs are a proud people. Honor is perhaps the strongest value in our culture, often trumping life itself. It is a point of pride for an Arab nation to attain self-sufficiency, and a source of ongoing shame that few, if any, Arab states can hold their own …
Oh, ‘ENEMY.’ I Was Wondering What ‘The Zionist Enema’ Is By Ayyaf Dayariyya, unemployed Gaza City, March 29 – I’m glad you clarified what you just said, because the first time I heard it, I could have sworn you were vowing to destroy “the Zionist Enema,” and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what you meant. So thank you for correcting me. …
I Only Yell At Jews, Because You Have To Start Somewhere By Hippo Critt, BDS Activist Berkeley, March 22 – It takes a certain amount of gall to accuse social justice activist such as I of prejudice. Just because I reserve all my vitriol for Jews doesn’t mean I’m an antisemite. I just know I can’t possibly fight all the wrongs being done in the world …
Uh Oh. Looks Like I’m Chametz, And Forbidden On Passover, by the Flying Spaghetti Monster By the Flying Spaghetti Monster I’m not one to get all sensitive about the requirements of other religions. If you want to come close to your notion of divinity by abstaining from leavened grain products for a little over a week every year, I should have no problem. It’s your conscience. It’s your digestive system. …
Why Can’t Gays Just Enjoy The Thrill Of Plummeting From The Rooftop? By Aiwil Qilfag, Gaza Strip Imam I do not understand you people who object to our treatment of homosexuals. What we do to them is very similar to things that you Westerners pay to have done to you, such as when you go to amusement parks or bungee jumping. Only the landing is different. Why …
I Don’t Need Purim As An Excuse To Get Drunk And Make Poor Decisions By Al Koholik Happy Drinking Day! Or for those of you who insist on pretending it’s not about the drinking, Happy Purim. You’re welcome to get involved in explaining how and why the festival encourages imbibing wine and other intoxicants. Me, I don’t need Purim as an excuse to get drunk and make poor decisions. …
Almost Done Cleaning For Pesach 2016! By Justin Thyme It’s nearly finished. Just a couple of rooms to go and the place will be clean and ready for Pesach 2016. This took a little longer than it should have, I know. But you get to cleaning one thing and it leads you to all sorts of different tasks. This time, though, …
Next Thing You Know, Jews Will Be Judaizing The Bible! By Ali Ahmad, Al-Aqsa Activist By now everyone knows of the Jews’ ongoing attempts to render Muslim sites Jewish, especially in the old city of Al-Quds (Jerusalem). Daily disruptive visits of Jewish settlers and provocateurs at the Haram al-Sharif, where Al-Aqsa resides, involve Talmudic rituals and expressions of spirituality that by their very nature deny …
A Few More Sick Burns Of Trump On Twitter And He Has To Step Down, Right? By Lena Dunham I’m sure I’m not the only one thrilled to see how many people have mobilized online – and occasionally in person – to mock Donald Trump. The scale of involvement in the sacred work of ridiculing his childish, thuggish conduct moves me to the point that I am certain only a few …
The Rules Say We Palestinians Get To Reject 3 More Peace Agreements Before We Lose by Saeb Erekat One of the talking points one hears many times in the realm of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is that the Palestinians have rejected peace offer after peace offer. Putting aside the accuracy of the claim, it ignores one of the fundamental rules of the game: we’re allowed to reject up to ten final-status …
We Zombies Have Nothing On The Two-State Solution By Urgh People make a big fuss over zombies rising from the grave and menacing the living, but at least you can kill a zombie again with the right equipment. Our staying power has nothing on the patently untenable Two-State Solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Considering that the two-state vision was doomed from the get-go …
Maybe We Shouldn’t Have Made All Those “New Jewish Settlements” Invisible By Avigdor Liberman, Minister of Defense Having served as Minister of Defense for ten months now, I can give a number of observations as to certain strategic mistakes our country has made over the last several decades, but principally in the last eight years. Chief among them, I would argue, was the decision to make …
You Could Have Stopped Me With Memes Comparing Me To Myself By Adolph Hitler It’s too bad you haven’t learned all the lessons from the cataclysmic episode of history in which I starred. Fascism is indeed on the rise once more, but believe you me, I’m not going to get into which one is the genuine article – the fascism of the Left or the fascism …
Whenever I Need A Laugh, I Think Of All Those People Assuming Palestine Will Be A Liberal Democracy By Mahmoud Abbas Nobody ever promised me the position of President of the Palestinian National Authority would be easy. I never expected it to be. Combine it with – or consider it a subsidiary role of – my position as Chairman of the Fatah faction and Palestine Liberation Organization, and you get one long work …
It’s Racist To Pigeonhole The Quebec Attackers Unless You Say They Were Inspired By Trump By the Huffington Post Editorial Staff Last night’s mosque attack in Quebec has us in tears. Such violence against innocents never ceases to shock. In its wake we must be exceedingly careful not to assume the motives or identities of the perpetrators, unless those assumptions involve non-liberal Westerners. Thus, it would be illiberal to claim, …
I Was Actually Quite Flattered By The Jews-Apes-Pigs Thing By Harambe I’m no religion or culture expert. I’m a gorilla. But there’s still a part of me that swells with pride when Muslims call Jews “the children of apes and pigs.” They chose my taxonomic order to associate with the Jews. That’s some heady stuff right there. Of course I can’t speak for pigs – …
OK, You Press People Can Be Adversarial Now By Former President Barack Obama It’s over. For better of for worse – I will of course always insist for the better – my two terms in office have elapsed, and now a new man occupies the Oval Office. That means it is time for the media to shift its attitude, and implement what it …
The REAL Question Is: Who Benefits From The Woodchuck Chucking All That Wood? By Ali Abunimah All of you dupes repeatedly wondering how much wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood are falling into the trap the Elders of Zion have set for you. What you really should be asking is cui bono? Who benefits from the chucking of all that wood? If you start …
I’m Not Expressing A Political Opinion Until My Favorite Celebrity Decides By Elizabeth Bauer, gossip junkie The elections might be over, but that doesn’t mean this great country has resolved its many political challenges, the road ahead remains fraught with uncertainty and different values on a collision course. Who can say with certainty what is best for America? I certainly do not presume to dictate what …
Why Didn’t The IDF Just Shoot The Truck Out Of The Driver’s Hands? By Ken Roth, Human Rights Watch The attack today on civilians in Jerusalem was terrible, of course, but that does not excuse Israeli soldiers from using excessive force in neutralizing the Palestinian driver. Instead of riddling him with bullets as he drove into the crowd of youths, they should have shot the truck out of …
People, You’re Supposed To THANK The Jews For Making Me Die For Your Sins By Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God Let me get this straight: the Jews are collectively held responsible for having me crucified, in doing so proving instrumental to my purpose in dying for all the sins of humanity, and you people condemn and persecute them for it? You’ve got it backwards, imbeciles. You should be …
Your College Application Is Missing The Essay On How You Will Badly Disguise Your Antisemitism As Anti-Zionism By Audrey McAuliffe, High School Guidance Counselor Alex, I see you’ve filled out all of the proper forms for your college applications, and arranged for your SAT and SAT-II scores to be sent to the institutions of your choice. But there’s still one thing missing: the required essay on how you intend to portray your …
I Remember A Time When The UN Settlement Decision Wasn’t The Only News On The Radio By Arye Golan, Israeli Journalist There was a time, apparently in the distant past, that not every issue discussed in the Israeli media revolved around the UN Security Council’s decision to declare Israeli activity beyond the Green Line illegal. While most of my colleagues indicate no such awareness, I remember that time. It was simpler, …
I Hate Syrian And Iraqi Kids Even More Than I Hate Other Poor Kids By Santa Claus ‘Tis the season! Now is when I do my final checks of those Naughty and Nice lists to make sure everything matches: which children of rich parents get fantastic, expensive gifts; which children of poor parents get barely anything; which kids of both varieties get a lump of coal; and which kids …
Joseph, You Know That One Of Those Eleven Stars Is Technically A Planet, Right? By Judah Joe, the guys are not pleased with your delusions of grandeur, and I can’t say I disagree. Aside from the fact that it’s just dangerously destabilizing to go boasting about visions of your own superiority over us, it’s not right to go describing all the “stars” you saw using that word. For the …
OK, Whose Turn Is It To Distract The Masses With Some Outrageous Statement? By Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu Thank you for attending this Coalition meeting on such short notice. I know many of you have important legislative and administrative business, and I do not take those commitments lightly. But we have yet to decide on which of us or our associates will make some racist, insensitive, or …
You Jews Need To Be Realistic And Stop Trying To Survive By John Kerry Diplomacy, like politics, is the art of the possible. You have to be realistic about what you can achieve. You Jews have lost sight of that principle, and insist on persisting, even thriving, despite longstanding indications that you’re not meant to make it. You have to be realistic, and stop trying to …
We’re Not ‘Post-Truth’ Because We Palestinians Never HAD Truth By Saeb Erekat Much hay has been made lately of the phrase “post-truth,” to the point that Oxford Dictionaries named it the 2016 word of the year. As far as that goes, fine, but we Palestinians can’t really jump on that bandwagon, because for post-truth to carry any meaning, one must assume truth ever was …
No Birthright Unless You Include Bread With My Order Of Lentils, Jacob By Esau Look at me, Jacob. I’m famished. You’ve got a whole pot of lentil stew there that you don’t really need. I’ve got my pride, though, so I’m not going to accept unrequited kindness from you. That’s not how I roll. Your proposal to trade the lentils for the birthright is fine with me …
I Hope You All Ignore My Knee-Jerk Accusation Of Arson As I Ridicule Yours By Zehava Gal-On, Chairwoman, Meretz One of the most irresponsible things to do in response to the wave of wildfires raging throughout the country right now is to reflexively point fingers and blame Arabs for starting the fires. I’m going to repeat that point enough in the hopes that I succeed in drowning out the …
I’ll Buy This Cave Fair And Square So No One Ever Fights Over It By Abraham My beloved Sarah has passed on after a hundred -twenty-seven years, and now I turn to the task of acquiring a burial place for her – that is, for us. It is appropriate, then, to integrate the reunion of our material bodies with the dust from which we came, in a way that …
Your Children Will Be As The Stars: Forever Distant Perhaps thou wishest to undergo a trial run with thy wife’s Egyptian maidservant? Thou canst always disown the tyke if he displeaseth thee. I am the LORD who hath taken thee out of Ur of the Chaldeans to give unto thee this land, and I say to thee: lift thy eyes to the heavens and …
Elitism Isn’t Working, So We’re Going To Keep Trying It By Isaac Herzog, Labor Party Chairman Last year and this year brought more than their share of electoral surprises. In each case, the left-leaning media lulled us leftists into complacency by predicting a weakening of the Right, if not our outright victory. In all cases, we instead suffered major setbacks, and were properly chastened by …
Americans, Why Do You Need Elections AGAIN? Once Should Be Fine. By Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President I don’t get it. You Americans can’t seem to leave well enough alone. You had an election back in 2004, and again in 2008. You even had one in 2012, as if the two previous ones weren’t good enough. During that time, I haven’t had to hold another round of presidential …
So Enlightened Of You To Ignore My Words And Say I Kill Jews Over The Lack Of A Diplomatic Horizon By Hussein Jibril, stabbing attack planner Many of our apologists are educated people, which makes it a little strange to have them disregard what we actually say about violence against Jews and attribute it to something else. That must be what enlightened people do – ignore my actual words about ridding Palestine of the filthy Jew …
If You’d Just Let Us Kill You, Maybe We’d Stop Killing You By Bassem Tamimi, Palestinian activist Perhaps the most persistent argument in defense of the wall that keeps us Palestinians imprisoned is that it prevents attacks on Israelis. But that contention could not be more ridiculous, because if the Zionists would simply dismantle the barrier and let us kill them, maybe we might stop killing them. …
I Urge Palestinian-Americans To Wait Till Nov. 9, Then Vote For The Winner We Palestinians have always been challenged with choosing the winning side in any strategic disagreement. That is why I strongly recommend to our brethren who hold American citizenship to be extra cautious during this presidential election, and wait to see who the clear winner is before casting their votes for that candidate. It is the …
Those Fair Maidens From All Over My Empire Were Asking For It By Ahashverosh, Emperor of Perso-Media I’m an accomplished man. You don’t get to rule a vast empire – from India to Ethiopia, as they say, a hundred-twenty-seven provinces – without political and economic acumen. I’ve got that in spades. Naturally, a person of achievement such as myself attracts envy and enmity. It’s par for the …
If You Don’t Stop Bombing Aleppo, I’ll Threaten To Make Threats! By John Kerry, US Secretary of State President Putin, the time has come for a fateful decision. Either you want to pursue a resolution of the Syrian conflict by diplomatic means, or you do not. But whichever choice you make, know that if you choose war, I will see no choice but to threaten to …
I’m Pretty Sure My Vision Didn’t Involve Funeral Traffic Snarls By Shimon Peres Oh look, I’m dead now. That’s a relief. Yes, it’s sad and disappointing, but the time comes for everyone, and I’ve had more time than most. Media attention has already turned to pretentious discussion of my legacy and my vision, which is to be expected, I suppose. Let me tell you one …
Those Dying Syrians Are Making Us Look Like A Bunch Of Crybabies By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian National Authority Under many circumstances I’d feel sorry for our Syrian brothers being subjected to barbaric cruelty at the hands of Assad’s air force and Russian warplanes, but these are not those circumstances. Not when their suffering dwarfs ours to the point that our yelling at every turn about Israeli actions just …
Tsk, Tsk, That Assad, He- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO MORE BRANGELINA?? By Melody Connors, USA Today reader The news coming out of Syria is heartbreaking. All those suffering people, including children, denied basic necessities and care because of a bombing by Assad-backing-Russian jets. When is the world going to wake up and… wait, hold on a second… what’s this other news item… WHAT THE HELL DO …
It’s Sexist To Expect Feminists To Stand Up For Women In Muslim Countries By Carly Morrison, Feminist Activist
Don’t Want To Offend, So I’ll Use Dashes To Say “F___ing” Jews By Ann Coulter It upsets me, to put it mildly, that every Republican candidate in this debate, without exception, felt it necessary to proclaim their commitment to Israel’s security, as if the issue carries such electoral importance in a country where Jews account for less than half a percent of the population. But I have to …
Wrong, Simba – You CAN Change The Past. We Palestinians Do It All The Time By Saeb Erekat Silly lion. Of course you can change the past. We do it constantly. You think I stick with only one story about my origins? I have several. The documented evidence, of course, says the tribe that produced me came from Arabia to what is now Jordan and the Levant in the middle …
Whew. We Almost Had Actual Elections There For A Moment By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority It’s been more than ten years since the last time local elections were held in the Palestinian Authority, and we just got dangerously close to having them happen again. That won’t do. Nothing that challenges my power and the positions of my cronies. Dodged a bullet there. So to …
Israel Treats Us Horri- HEY! Stop Them! They’re Doing Good Things For Us! By Mohammad Shtayyeh, Fatah official The sins of the Occupation continue to degrade us and make our lives miserable. The evil Zionist imperialists must be stopped, because their brutal policies do not allow us even to- hey, what’s going on? They’re building a pipeline to supply us with clean drinking water! NO! Cease that at …
You May Have A Play Date When You Finish Assembling That Bomb By Rania Massoul, Palestinian mother of 6 Waleed, you know the rules: all chores and homework must be finished before you are allowed to play with your friends, no matter how far in advance you arranged this play date. You get cracking on that bomb, and if you finish it in time, you may go …
This So-Called ‘Lone Wolf’ Section Of Hell Is Actually Pretty Crowded By Awad Shukri, stabber Being in Hell has its drawbacks, as you can well imagine. Beyond not getting seventy-two virgins, I experience the profound and abiding eternal torment of shame for my hideous choices in the material world. It’s no picnic. But I have been surprised by one discovery: there are a LOT of “lone wolf” …
You Can’t Tell People The Truth About Me! That’s Slander! By Ashraf Hakimi, Students for Justice in Palestine I’ve had enough of pro-Israel propagandists harming the Palestinian Muslim cause by taking my exact words, in context, and making them public, which results in people considering me a bigot and supporter of violence. You can’t tell the truth about me! That’s slander. The Palestinian cause will …
I, Thy Lord George Soros, Command Thee To Build An Echo Chamber By George Soros Thus spake thy Lord and King George Soros: thou shalt construct for Me an Echo Chamber, of the finest pundits and plausible diversity. And the Chamber shall be 1600 cubits by 1600 cubits, that it may match My house on Pennsylvania Avenue, from which shall issue by My servants proclamations in support …
What Does A Guy Have To Do To Get A UNHRC Resolution Around Here? By Basher Assad, President of Syria I’ve been doing this repression thing for years and years. At first it was the not-so-subtle intimidation backed by the precedent of ruthless retaliation, but that eventually gave way to open warfare against my own people. Politicians and public figures do an awful lot of talking, but my goals …
My Distant Ancestors In Arabia Were The First Palestinians By Saeb Erekat I have had quite enough of the Zionist trope that “Jews are from Judea; Arabs are from Arabia.” It’s nice and pat, and pretty straightforward, but it pointedly neglects the fact that my distant ancestors in Arabia were the first Palestinians. It’s not hard to comprehend: my ancestors were whoever might make …
No, Mr. Abraham’s Servant, I’m Not Getting On A Camel With No Seatbelt By Rebecca, daughter of Bethuel It is an honor for you to have come all this way to betroth me as a wife for the son of your master, sir. I am prepared to make the journey, and to become married to your master’s son, and I thank you for the generous gifts for me …
Me Have Solution To Arab-Israeli Conflict By Cookie Monster People think just because me a monster, me not have sophisticated view of world. They also think because me focused on cookies, me not give due consideration to weighty issues. People make big mistake. Me have ideas that include solution to Arab-Israeli conflict. Me share those ideas momentarily, but first me want …