Showing 301–360 of 578 articles · Page 6 of 10
If You Want To Make It In Journalism, Rookie, Don’t Treat Wild Palestinian Claims With Skepticism By Chris Hayes McNeil, this is your first big assignment. You want to jump start your career in Gaza, and it’s the perfect venue for such an ambitious goal. But you’ve made a rookie mistake, and I’m here to take you under my wing and help you along: the way it works in journalism is …
Stereotypes Are Bad Unless You’re A Progressive Enforcing Adherence To Them By Linda Sarsour We all agree stereotypes are horrible, with ethnic stereotypes being the worst of the worst. For that reason, we must always avoid falling into the trap of stereotypes, except when conforming to them becomes a signal of membership in an aggrieved group, in which case it is now a cardinal progressive sin …
Jews Don’t Control the Weather? What Do You Call The Ten Plagues? by Trayon White, Washington, DC Council member Listen, I know it was bad form to engage in antisemitic tropes and portray the Jews as a monolithic, sinister, all-powerful group. I apologized – of course I apologized; it would be wrong not to. But between you and me, there’s no shortage of evidence the Jews have …
What Is This ‘Elections’ Of Which You Israelis Speak? By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority Ramallah, March 14 – Much of the recent discussion of current affairs in Israeli media over the last week has centered on various squabbles among the parties in the prime minister’s governing coalition, and the consensus has alternated between predictions of the government completing its 4.5-year term and early …
We Make Sure The Number Of Buns And Franks Don’t Match. We’re The Mossad. By the Mossad Ever wonder why you always seem to have a different number of Tupperware containers from the number of lids? Or why hot dogs come in packages of 12 but hot dog buns come in packages of 8? Well, wonder no more. We’re the ones behind it. We’re the Mossad. If you thought …
Glorifying Child Martyrdom? How Dare You! That’s- Oh, By Palestinians? Cool. By Ken Roth, Director, Human Rights Watch President Erdogan of Turkey crossed all lines of decency and morality when he encouraged a young girl to sacrifice herself in combat for Islam and for Turkey. Children must remain outside the boundaries of warfare, as victims but especially as combatants, and praising the involvement of children as …
Another Harry Potter Metaphor Is What This Debate Needs By Klee Schay Our discussion of this set of important issues has proceeded well enough, ladies and gentlemen, but no one is going to change his or her mind based merely on a rehashing of familiar points, as cleverly as they might be rephrased. No, my friends, if any of us is going to make …
THIS Will Be The Blog Comment That Solves The Arab-Israeli Conflict By Dee Luszenal Everyone ready? I’m about to submit a comment on this website, a comment that will once and for all bring the whole Arab-Israeli conflict to an end with its manifest sanity, compelling points, humanity, cogent reasoning, and sparkling rhetoric. Once the people behold the unassailable arguments I make in this comment, they …
I Think The Reunion For My Suicide Bombing Class Will Be Lightly Attended By Semtek Siffor, Jihadist I love reunions. Even if you’re the kind of person who stays in touch with the people in your class after graduation, having everyone gather in one place to reconnect more directly and to reminisce, to catch up on things, can be very special. But I’m concerned that there won’t be …
But Letting Jews Live In Our Town Violates The Status Quo! By Tina Swann, Zoning Board member Mahwah, February 7 – If there’s one thing I’ve learned from studying international news, it’s the importance of the so-called Status Quo when it come to Jews and what governs their relations with non-Jews. Anything that disrupts or violates the status quo must be prevented. Well, that means we shouldn’t …
I Don’t Care How Many Lebanese Die ‘For Palestine’ By Hassan Nasrallah, Secretary-General, Hezbollah Liberation of the Islamic land of Palestine from the infidel Zionists remains the sacred duty of all Muslims, regardless of local nationality. That is why it ultimately does not matter how many Lebanese must die in the process of realizing that dream. I write this in response to ongoing rhetoric …
It’s Too Bad There Are No ‘Anti-Zionists’ Around To ‘Help’ Our Movement By Harriet Tubman It’s tough here, on the Underground Railroad, but this is the struggle I’ve chosen, and this is my mission. I rely on many others to succeed, and it’s truly a shame that I’ll have to wait decades for opponents of Jewish sovereignty in the ancestral Jewish homeland to co-opt my cause while …
Heliocentrism Is Wrong: The World Revolves Around Palestinians By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; President, State of Palestine; Chairman, Fatah; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization As a devout Muslim I have always maintained that any model of the universe with the sun at the center of our planetary system must be flawed; our scholars and spiritual leaders have always placed Earth in the center, …
We Need Another War With Israel As Cover For Killing Rivals By Yahya Sinwar, Hamas Leader It’s been more than three years since we last provoked a war that killed thousands and left tens of thousands more homeless. One can debate the merits or timing of the conflict, but one clear political advantage it provided was an excuse to bump off anyone threatening our hegemony in …
We Ancient Egyptians Could Have Warned You About Trying To Drive Jews Into The Sea By Pharaoh Not that I expect the Arabs of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries CE to take my advice, but I’d have counseled against attacking the nascent Zionist state. My cavalrymen and I could have told you what happens when you attempt to push the people of Israel into the sea. Now, it’s true that …
We Were Going To Undermine The Muslim World, But You’re Managing That By Yourselves By The Mossad As part of our ongoing mission to keep Israel secure by clandestine means, we have long pursued strategies that might involve wreaking instability in enemy regimes, depending on the situation. But in recent decades our expertise in that realm has grown rusty, since we seldom need to lift a finger to undermine …
Mary, Did That Frankincense and Myrrh Come With A Gift Receipt? By Joseph the carpenter Good morning, my dear wife. Is there any way I can make you more comfortable? Little Jesus looks so sweet, swaddled against you like that. What a lovely picture. Would you like something to eat or drink? I’ll fetch some water in a moment. You want to look again at some …
It’s Heartening To Know Der Stürmer’s Legacy Will Be Carried On In Palestinian Textbooks By Julius Streicher When the Third Reich fell and Germany surrendered in 1945, I though my world was lost. My life’s work, my magnum opus, if you will, died an ignominious death, even before I was hanged at Nürnberg. Little did I know that lo these decades later, the legacy of my baby, Der Stürmer, would …
I Could Establish A Palestinian State, But Then What Would I Do? Govern? By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority; Chairman, Palestine Liberation Organization All those well-meaning diplomats and politicians urging Palestinians to make peace with Israel, or at least sit down to negotiations, miss one crucial point: without perpetuation of the conflict, I feel purposeless. Once a Palestinian state is established at peace with Israel, what would I …
This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things: We Arabs Keep Killing Those Who Tell Us Why We Can’t Have Nice Things By An Arab Who Doesn’t Want To Get Killed For Saying This Why do we Arabs keep shooting ourselves in the foot? Is it pathological? Why does nothing we achieve have any lasting value? I don’t know about you, but the way in which we, collectively, squander our opportunities makes me think it better that …
Men Can’t Make Decisions For Women, But Jews Can’t Decide What’s Antisemitic By Linda Sarsour, women’s rights activist The stubborn patriarchy that all but rules our society wants to control women’s bodies and what women are allowed to wear, and they insist on making these determinations without consulting women, the people who are most affected by those determinations. My allies and I in this fight will …
If You Boys Don’t Stop Pillaging Shechem I’m Going To Turn This Caravan Around, I Swear By Jacob Simeon and Levi, I’ve just about had enough from the two of you. One more murderous, plundering outburst like that and I’m going to turn this whole caravan right around and go back to Padan Aram. I mean it. The two of you have been itching to go on a killing spree ever …
I Don’t Actually Maintain My Own Naughty/Nice List – The Mossad Does By Santa Claus North Pole, November 19 – Just before I get absorbed in the busiest part of our annual operation, I think it important to clear up a common misconception: the categorization of people into worthy or unworthy of receiving their desired gifts for Christmas occurs not at my headquarters, but has for decades …
Right-Wingers Are Meddling In Elections By Getting People To Vote For Them! By Mossi Raz, Chairman, Meretz Listen up, people. We’ve got our work cut out for us if we’re going to increase our representation in the next Knesset. You can glory all you want in the manifest rightness of our politics, but we have to face one scandalous fact: the right-wing parties in this country intend …
Tempted By Your Offer To Lead Labour, Mr. Corbyn, But Hamas Needs Me By Ismail Haniyeh Dear Mr. Corbyn: I am in receipt of your communiqué from Wednesday last, in which you made the generous proposal to form a partnership with you in shepherding the UK Labour Party toward victory in future elections. First of all, thank you for considering me and the movement I lead for such …
We Should Totally Trust Our Haters To Maintain Access To Our Holy Sites By Yariv Oppenheimer, Peace Now My organization has argued for years that Israel should relinquish the areas it seized in 1967, so that the Palestinians can establish sovereignty there. As for the concern that Jews will then be barred from holy sites and other important places in Jewish heritage under Palestinian control, the solution is simple: …
No Dessert Until You Finish That Gentile Blood Matza, Young Man By Mom Is everyone ready for some cake? Good, let’s clear away the plates and I’ll just- wait a minute. Moishe, what’s that I see on yours? Is that gentile blood matza you haven’t eaten? Well, that’s not acceptable. No dessert for you until you eat every last bite of it. You know the rules. …
Cecil B. Demille? Actually, My Voice Is More Like Gilbert Gottfried By God Decades of Hollywood’s influence on popular culture have perpetuated the misconception that My speaking voice resonates with gravitas, seriousness, and intimidating presence. I confess I appreciate the awe and reverence such a choice of characterization indicates, but in fact my speaking voice is less Cecil B. Demille in The Ten Commandments and more Gilbert …
It Turns Out My Sukkah Roof Leaks Less Than My House By Schlemazel Goldberg We just had our first rain of the season – into the Sukkah, of course, where it has become traditional to clear out the food, furnishings, and other fragile things at least once per Sukkot holiday in a sudden downpour. The roof, which should be sparse enough to one can see the …
I’ve Been In The Belly Of This Fish 3 Days With No WiFi By Jonah the Prophet As a prophet and the son of a prophet, I would be the first to tell you the life of a prophet is no picnic. Even for personalities who crave the limelight and being privy to the secrets of the universe, there can be stretches of intense challenge. Case in point: …
Penitence For Lust Is A Serious Chick Magnet By Cantor Anthony Weiner The days leading up to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, always carry a special intensity. As one who leads the services in the synagogue on that solemn day, I am acutely aware of the need to address my failings, especially the failings that damage my relationships, the moments when I …
Please Stop Blaming Jews For The Things We Supervillains Do By Lex Luthor If there’s one thing a supervillain wants, it’s publicity. The whole thing with the logo, the hairdo, the costume, the sinister name – it’s all to generate hype. Fear, of course, and respect, but sustained public attention is also really important to the role. So the last thing we want is for …
At Suicide Bomber Hut, We Don’t Get Much Repeat Business By Aiselyu Siffor, proprietor I’ve been in the suicide bomb sales business for years. Business has been, well, booming, and I’ve certainly done well for myself in this line of work, but despite attracting tons of new customers all the time, we don’t get much repeat business. That statistic has me worried, because everyone knows the …
Jeremiah, Tell Them I’d Rather They Follow Me Into The Wilderness IRL, Not Twitter By the LORD Jeremiah, go forth and call out to the ears of Jerusalem, saying, “Thus saith the LORD: I remember for you the lovingkindness of thy youth, the love of thy newlywed days, when thou followed me in the wilderness, in an unseeded land, by which I mean following in a literal sense, and …
Is It Blame-Jews-For-Cutting-Down-My-Olive-Trees Season Yet? By Dibbah Zeitoun In agriculture, we live our lives by the seasons. The rhythms of the climate guide us in what activities to pursue: when to irrigate, when to sow, when to plow, what to harvest, and when to cut down our own trees because we want to do something else with the land and …
It’s Been Jihad Day’s Night Lyrics: Jenin-McCartney It’s been Jihad day’s night And I’ve been hurting kikes and dogs It’s been Jihad day’s night I hear them weeping, sons of hogs But with that heavenly crew Of virgins seventy-two I’m a Shaheed, all right. You know I hurl grenades To get some money (a martyr thing) Stab and …
I’d Love To Attend Your Protest, But I’m Attending A Protest By Yisraela M’khoar It’s very sweet of you to invite me to come to your demonstration this is week. I really want to come, but I’m sorry, I’m already holding a different rally, so I can’t come that night. Maybe some other time? I hope you convey my protest to the target of your demonstration, …
Islamic Terrorism Is A Kind Of Ritual Slaughter – So Let’s Ban Ritual Slaughter By Barqingupta Rongtree, delegate, European Parliament Systemic solutions are always better than local remedies when it comes to widespread problems. While many of us, myself included, long hoped that the spate of Islamist terrorism aimed at Europe would subside as we showed a welcoming face to migrants, it turned out that something far more profound and …
When I Say We Have To Kill All The Jews, I Don’t Mean It In An Antisemitic Way By Imam Yousaywat Dafuq, Al Aqsa Mosque No one likes being misunderstood. I try very hard in my sermons to articulate clear messages, but partisans and subversives insist on distorting those messages for political purposes. Let me state for the record, then, that when I call for killing all the Jews, I mean no antisemitism …
Wow! May I Ask What Ethnic Cleanser You Use? By Bashar Assad, President, Syrian Arab Republic Damascus, August 13 – I must admit I’m impressed by the thoroughness of your work. It’s pristine! You have to tell me – what ethnic cleanser do you use? I’ve seen the campaigns that tout one product or the other as the most effective ethnic cleanser, but I …
How Many Bullets Can The Posts Of This Crib Hold? By Al Nusra, expectant father Hi, good morning. Sorry to bother you with so many basic questions about baby furniture and supplies – my wife and I are new at this. Hey, thanks. Two months to go. The doctors think it’s a boy, and we’re into traditional gender roles, so what I need to know …
Speak At Your University? But I Haven’t Killed Any Jews Or Cops By Radi Qal, Activist Dear Sirs/Mesdames: I have received your letter inviting me to speak at your institution. Thank you. I feel honored to be considered for such an event. But before I give my formal response, I seek to clarify the terms and assumptions under which this invitation was proffered, to determine whether it …
It Takes A Lot Of Preparation To Arrange A Spontaneous Outpouring Of Rage by Raed Salah, Islamic Movement Umm el-Fahm, July 25 – To the uninitiated observer, the explosion of violent demonstrations after Israel put up metal detectors at the entrance to the Temple Mount must have looked like an impressive display of sudden protest by tens of thousands of Muslims who all felt the need at the same …
If You Ethnically Cleanse An Area Of Jews They’e Not Allowed Back In By An Expert On International Law Whose Conclusions Suit Your Sensibilities It should not be difficult to arrive at a simple understanding of the status in international law of the territories Israel took in the 1967 war. All one needs to do is apply the proper overriding principles, and thereby determine whether those territories are disputed, …
But If I Take A Truly Moral Position I Betray My Constituency! By MK Ahmad Tibi It is dishonest of those on the political right to demand that we Arab Members of Knesset denounce the murder of two policemen this past Friday. Our voters elected us for a reason, and showing sympathy for Jews and those who protect them is not that reason. Condemning murder might be …
Sorry, Muhammed, You Have To Kill More People To Push The Labor Primary Off The Front Page By Mustafa Massikr, Hamas Official You tried, Muhammed. You tried to kill a bunch of Zionist occupation soldiers with a car yesterday, but you only managed to injure one, and then you got out of the car to try to stab as many others as you could, but they shot you dead. The next morning, …
We Palestinians Support Assad Because The Rebels Threaten Our Monopoly On Victimhood By Ismail Haniyeh Shifting allegiances in the Arab world can prove confusing, but as the fortunes of various tyrannical regimes wax and wane, it should surprise no one that shifts in allegiance vary accordingly. We in Hamas initially stood with the uprising against Syrian President Basher Assad, but as the war progressed, we gradually realized …
How Dare You Call My Bigotry Of Low Expectations ‘Soft’ By SJW McWoke If mathematics were not such a patriarchal system, I would feel comfortable about counting the number of times we progressives have been accused of “soft” bigotry by not demanding that all peoples adhere to the same standards of behavior. I am here to correct that misimpression. There is nothing soft about my …
I’d Rebut My Opponents’ Calling Me Effeminate, But I’m On My Period By Isaac Herzog, Chairman, Labor Party The battle for leadership of the Labor Party is heating up – primaries are next week, and the campaigns of the various candidates have taken on an urgent tone as each tries to secure enough votes. Predictably, and unfortunately, some of the rhetoric has taken a nasty turn, with …
By Mahmoud Abbas, President, Palestinian Authority So you know how I’ve been ordering my underlings to shut down media that challenge my policies or legitimacy, and have imprisoned journalists for exposing the corruption, incompetence, and stupidity of my administration? Well, it turns out it’s all a misunderstanding – apparently I heard you all wrong, and …
I Take It All Back. I Am So, So Sorry. by Muhammad The Prophet I should have foreseen how my system in the inevitable wrong hands would produce such horrors. It’s been more than a thousand years since my followers swept across the Middle East and North Africa, even into Europe, and down into Southeast Asia. My teachings have spread far and wide, reaching even the distant lands of …
Some Of My Best Friends Are Antisemitic What you want to do is attract the closet antisemites and give them enough plausible deniability. Jack, this is just amateurish. No one goes for old-fashioned antisemitism anymore. It’s one thing to couch your Jew-hatred in terms of Zionism; we all do that. But if you want to keep those hymies from moving into this …
No, You May Not Show Intolerance During Tolerance Class Leaving Marcia alone means you accept her being different from you, even though she never takes a bath. We call that part of pluralism “tolerance.” Hello, everyone. Settle down, please. Today we’re going to talk about pluralism. Pluralism means wanting or accepting our differences, even if those differences are very big. Timmy, sit down, and …
Gandhi Was A Wimp By Mustafa Massikr, Hamas activist I love it. I get to kill women and children in their beds, and the world supports me! For me, it’s never been about freedom for Palestine. Those little kids don’t know a thing about it. I do it for the sheer joy of stabbing them, of slashing their little …
But Withholding Funds Because We Glorify Terrorists Is Suppression Of Our Culture! By Mustafa Massiqr Culture forms a fundamental part of a person’s identity. The ethos he absorbs becomes a part of who he is, to the point that any challenge to that culture constitutes an assault on his sense of self, and he will resist that assault. Is it any wonder, then, that we Palestinians oppose …
Our Natural Demographic Is Shrinking – We Must Discard Democracy By Zehava Gal-On, Chairwoman, Meretz Party As with any question of policy, we must always examine its anticipated long-term effects. Democratic principles have governed Israel since it was founded, but the rapid growth of the religious sector and the mixed success at best of the secular Left have raised the prospect of losing our party’s …
We Prepare Our People For Peace By Teaching Them Never To Compromise By Saeb Erekat It is time to put to rest the notion that we Palestinians are not preparing our people for peace with Israel. As our president said to Mr. Trump in Washington two weeks ago, ours is a culture of peace. We have made numerous moves to inculcate peace into our polity, and because …
I Can’t Believe My Fiasco Of A Hunger Strike Isn’t Garnering More Media Coverage By Marwan Barghouti When my fellow prisoners planned our hunger strike, we anticipated the traditional sympathetic depiction of our plight in the world press. Indeed, events began well, with such august institutions as The New York Times publishing my explication of the strike’s aims. But somewhere along the line, not long after I was filmed …
Israelis Are The New Nazis? But We Palestinians LIKE Nazis By Haj Mohammed Amin al-Husseini, Grand Mufti of Jerusalem One of the key characteristics of a compelling political narrative is clarity: clear goals, clear demands, and a clear articulation of those goals and demands. But today’s Palestinian Arabs, and their supporters all over the world, compromise the clarity and justice of our noble cause by …
We’re Allowed To Lie Because Our Cause Is Just By Saeb Erekat We are a nation and a culture that values truth, and this is the truth: we will go to the greatest rhetorical lengths to demonize the Zionist enemy, facts be damned, because nothing is more sacred than our struggle to liberate the land from the yoke of Zionist oppression. The truth is …