Showing 421–480 of 630 articles · Page 8 of 11
Israel To Pump Dangerous Gas Into Jordan For 15 Years “It is beyond heinous for a nation founded in the wake of Nazi genocide to be pumping gas in any direction,” declared Human Rights Watch Director Ken Roth. Amman, September 28 – Human rights organizations and diplomatic officials expressed shock and dismay today upon hearing the news that Israel had signed an agreement to pump …
European Muslims Shocked At Suggestion They Should Protest Aleppo Like Gaza “This man has the Gaul – excuse me, the gall – to dictate to followers of Islam what their values should be.” Paris, September 26 – Muslim community organizations and individual adherents of Islam voiced surprise and anger today upon hearing of the notion that they might engage in rallies and demonstrations to voice objection …
Gulf States Consider Thaw With Israel, Maybe Importing Some Jewish Slaves “It would be an excellent first step toward establishing the kind of relations we might want to develop with Israel and the larger Jewish world.” Dubai, September 22 – New strategic alignments and a growing appreciation of geopolitical realities around the Arabian Peninsula have sparked unprecedented discourse in several countries in the region on the subject …
Abraham’s Hometown Confused By Teen Use Of ‘Ur Dumb’ They wonder what the early-twenty-first-century youth population has against them. Ur, September 18 – Residents of this Mesopotamian city-state admitted consternation today over the common use of their location’s name in online communication, most commonly when teens and other young users attach it to insults such as “ur dum” and “i did ur mom.” Leaders …
Palestinian Candy Vendors Remember Good Times Of 9/11 “We were like dreamers,” recalled Shad-Din Froideh, 77. Ramallah, September 11 – Purveyors of sweets in the Palestinian territories are recalling with fondness the booming sales they enjoyed following the attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon fifteen years ago. A group of current and retired sweets sellers from the de facto Palestinian capital …
World Reaction To N Korea Prompts Iran To Plan Nuke Test Over Tel Aviv “Obama is bending over – as well as bending over backwards – for us, enabling us to exceed the limits of the nuclear deal with no adverse consequences.” Tehran, September 11 – The international community’s inability to stymie North Korea in its quest for atomic weapons, despite steep economic sanctions and persistent political isolation, has …
Assad Again Uses Poison Gas; ‘Oh, That Basher,’ Chuckles World “Oh, that Basher,” they chuckled and shook their heads. “He doesn’t play by anyone else’s rules.” Aleppo, September 7 – Embattled Syrian President Basher Assad’s forces deployed chemical weapons against insurgents in this ancient city once more this week, prompting the international community to laugh at the man’s continuing disregard for what most others consider …
No One Clamoring For Removal Of ISIS’s Google+ Pages To do so would require that users encounter those pages, which in turn requires that such users exist. Mountain View, CA, August 31 – Executives at Google have noted that whereas controversy has erupted for years over the use of Facebook and Twitter accounts to promote the Islamic State and other violent, radical groups, their …
Older Iraqi Misses Good Old Days When Jews Didn’t Fight Back “Technology, politics, health care, and Jew-killing aren’t nearly as straightforward as they used to be.” Baghdad, August 24 – Rashid Muhammad, 90, has seen technological and economic advancement in his many years, but still considers his youth in Iraq a better time to live, because life was simpler then and Jews didn’t fight back. The …
Obama Dissatisfied With Slow Pace Of Ceding Mideast To Russia, Iran The president believes it could have happened faster with cooperation of Congressional Republicans in legalizing Iran’s nuclear weapons program. Washington, August 22 – US President Barack Obama voiced frustration this morning at his administration’s apparent inability to hand over hegemony in the Middle East to the Ayatollahs and Vladimir Putin any faster, White House officials reported …
Hamas Saving Omran Daqneesh Syria Photos For Next War With Israel “Oh my gosh, this is perfect,” remarked Ali Masri, who coordinates some of the organization’s online activities. Aleppo, August 18 – Images of a bleeding, dust-covered, five-year-old Syrian boy from this embattled ancient city have resonated internationally, highlighting the ongoing misery wrought by the country’s five-year-old civil war and leading the Hamas movement to store …
Jews Fasting Today To Mock Palestinian Hunger Strikers “It’s not only the hunger-striking prisoners in Israelis jails that the people who fast are mocking, but also the ones in Palestinian prisons.” Jerusalem, August 14 – Advocates for the welfare of Palestinians imprisoned by Israel are calling today’s Jewish observance of a fast day an offensive mockery of the prisoners’ suffering. A group of …
Iran Deal Provision Promises US Inaction If Terrorism Victims Jews If, however, the target proved to be other than Jews or people obviously acting in support of Jews, the US might consider a reprimand. Tehran, August 9 – President Hassan Rouhani of Iran told a gathering of lawmakers today that one of the clauses of the nuclear agreement signed with the US last year guarantees …
New Qatari Comedy Show Imagines BDS Caring About Arab Slavery “It’s a realm no one has really ventured into before, and that’s what provides the whole comic gestalt.” Doha, August 4 – Producers of a new series slated for the Al-Jazeera network hope to make audiences laugh with the absurd premise that the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement might target countries other than Israel with its …
Mideast Christians Already Feeling No Impact From Pope’s Auschwitz Visit “Now that the pope has sounded the alarm, we can look forward to a much more robust policy of inaction.” Palmyra, July 31 – Christian communities facing genocide at the hands of the Islamic State and other forms of persecution under Arab-Muslim regimes in the Levant have already noticed that in the wake of Pope …
Mideast Leaders Can’t Stop Laughing At ‘Consent Of The Governed’ Wikipedia Page “You cannot seriously tell me people entertain this as a genuine, operative political concept.” Ankara, July 27 – Heads of numerous Arab and Muslim countries spent time Wednesday finding comic relief in an online encyclopedia entry that discusses the notion of political rule stemming from agreement by the people being ruled. Turkish President Recep Tayyip …
Jews Of Iran Free To Hold Any Political Views The Government OKs “The openness of Iranian authorities to free Jewish political and religious expression far outstrips that of neighboring Jordan, Bahrain, and Saudi Arabia.” Meshed, Islamic Republic of Iran, July 19 – The approximately twenty thousand Jews living in Iran today enjoy religious and political freedom rare in the rest of the Islamic Middle East, a recent report …
Erdogan Wouldn’t Let Elders Of Zion Plan His Fake Coup “For a coup to be believable, you need the armed forces to be behind it, not just a few units with some others along for the ride.” Ankara, July 18 – Frustrated members of the shadowy Jewish conspiracy that runs the world admitted today that they took a back seat to Turkish President Recep Tayyip …
Gulf Nations Gave To Gaza At The Office Kuwait avoided the encounter entirely, preferring to hide in a maintenance closet until the coast was clear. Doha, July 13 – Arab and Muslim countries who pledged to help fund the rebuilding of Gaza Strip homes and facilities after the 2014 war between Hamas and Israel reassured inquirers today that they had indeed made good …
Islamic State Claims Credit For Trump “The fist of Islam reaches into the depths of the enemy’s rear and strikes with the force of a thousand vengeances.” Medina, July 6 – The Islamic State has not claimed credit for perpetrating an suicide bombing attack yesterday at the burial site of the prophet Muhammad that killed 4, but a video clip has emerged of an organization …
Emorite Soldiers Struggling Not To Laugh At King Named ‘Og’ His frontline troops nurture a joke of referring to their leader by various names they think sound vaguely simian. Rabbat-Ammon, July 4 – Troops in the army of the Bashan kingdom of the Emorites are having a hard time containing their amusement that their ruler bears a name reminiscent of a caveman, military sources are reporting. …
Bir Zeit Mathematics Students Aim To Prove Equivalence Of Terrorists, Victims “My friends and I realized there is no better time than right now to get started on this project,” said Stabr. Ramallah, June 30 – Undergraduate researchers at this institution north of the Palestinian capital have launched a project aimed at developing a mathematical proof that equates the deaths of terrorists with the deaths of …
Ecologists Laud Assad For Helping Stem Human Overpopulation The accomplishment is the result of a determined policy on the part of Mr. Assad and his government to reduce the number of people, a group that drains worldwide food resources. London, June 27 – Environmental researchers praised Syrian President Basher Assad this week, saying he and his regime have done more than anyone else over …
Hebrew Spies Steal Palestinian Fruit “This is nothing less than a naked attempt at genocide of Palestinian farming.” Wilderness of Paran, June 22 – Twelve Israelite men sent to reconnoiter the Holy Land prior to an intended invasion and conquest have stolen produce belonging to local Palestinian farmers, eyewitnesses allege. Observers in the Israelite camp at Kadesh-Barnea said that the …
Harrowed Khamenei Describes His Orlando Nightclub Ordeal Khamenei had dismissed his bodyguards for the Pulse excursion, a move he now questions. Tehran, June 15 – Now back in the safety of the Iranian capital, Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei described for well-wishers the tale of his miraculous survival in the Orlando, Florida nightclub where a Muslim radical killed 50 people and …
Assad Wondering Why Orlando Shooter Used Guns, Not Barrel Bombs “Guns have nowhere near the effectiveness of the bombs in terms of raw killing capacity.” Damascus, June 13 – The government of Syria issued its official statement this morning on yesterday’s Orlando nightclub shooting, including President Basher Assad’s expression of puzzlement at the gunman’s choice of firearms over the much more efficient barrel bomb so …
After Istanbul Bombing, Palestinians Scramble To Make It About Them As more details emerge it will be easier to seize on one or two of the details of the attack and use them to shoehorn the Palestinian issue to center stage. Ramallah, June 7 – A powerful car bomb exploded in Turkey’s economic and tourism capital this morning, sending Palestinian leaders and advocates into a furious …
Brooklyn Co-Op To Aid Syrian People With Shipment Of Kale Few Syrians have access to kale. Park Slope, June 1 – A group of socially-conscious, politically-aware Brooklyn residents have decided to help alleviate the suffering of the embattled Syrian people by collecting their excess leafy greens and donating them to relief organizations that will then deliver the foodstuffs to aid organizations assisting the Syrians, a …
Assad Furious Olympic Firing Squad Unable To Compete In Rio Trainers and staff with the Syrian firing squad team have been practicing intensively for years, often gunning down hundreds of people a week. Damascus, May 30 – Syrian President Basher Assad is reportedly fuming at a decision of the International Olympic Committee not to recognize execution by firing squad as an Olympic sport for this …
Abbas To Convene Estates General “It will be helpful to His Highness King Abbas to consult with hoi polloi and then do as he pleases to preserve his power.” Versailles, Palestinian Autonomous Territories, May 25 – Faced with an increasing gap between the economic fortunes of the elite governing class and everyone else in Palestinian society, and the simmering threat …
France Delays Mideast Peace Conference Amid Double Standard Shortage Divergent treatment of terrorism targeting Europeans and terrorism targeting Israelis and Jews has strained the double standards inventory in Western Europe. Paris, May 18 – French Minister of Foreign Affairs Jean-Marc Ayrault announced today that his country would postpone the Middle East peace conference originally scheduled for the end of this month, to allow for the …
Mideast Book Fair Removes Non-Antisemitic Work Adherence to those rules is the responsibility of each vendor, not the publisher or author, explained organizer spokesman Jabr Waqqi. Ramallah, May 16 – Controversy erupted at a regional book fair in the Palestinian capital this week after visitors discovered for sale a work that contained no anti-Israel or anti-Jewish content, forcing organizers to remove the …
After Baghdad Bombing, Iraqi Officials Fear Islamophobic Backlash Muslims have perpetrated 100% of the bombings in Baghdad since the collapse of Saddam Hussein’s regime. Baghdad, May 11 – Following the deaths of more than 60 people this morning in an Islamic State car bomb attack in the Iraqi capital, local leaders voiced concern that the populace might begin to view Muslims as a …
Iran To Let Women Choose How Many Men Gang-Rape Them To Death “Not even the supposedly enlightened, liberal countries of Europe have a law such as this one.” Tehran, May 4 – In a move aimed at making the country and society more progressive, the government of Iran announced this morning it would implement new sentencing guidelines for women convicted of capital crimes such as marital infidelity, …
Security Council Reluctantly Agrees To Address Something Other Than Israel “Happy now?” asked a sneering Security Council. “There’s your stupid Syria session.” New York, May 6 – The United Nations Security Council engaged in a shouting match with its mother today over tackling issues that are not the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, an exchange that concluded with the Council grudgingly committing to discuss the ongoing Syrian morass …
Palestinians Cite ‘I Called It First’ Rule To Establish Title To Land Prominent personalities already noted that calling “Shotgun!” is an accepted method for establishing the right to sit in the front passenger seat of a motor vehicle. Ramallah, May 2 – Referring to a principle commonly invoked in settling certain types of disputes, Palestinian officials repeated their claim that all of historic Palestine is theirs based on …
Mideast Residents Basking In Paradise That Obama’s 2009 Cairo Speech Ushered In “It served an important symbolic purpose,” explained Abu Bakr A-Baghdadi, whose meteoric rise to prominence was made possible by the president’s policies. Aleppo, Syria, April 25 – Residents of the Middle East expressed abundant gratitude to US President Barack Obama this week, saying that they owe the current Heaven on Earth that the region has …
Stalin Unclear What Problem People Have With Syria Elections “The West has plenty of divisions, but they might as well be the pope for all that they’re unwilling to back up their demands with military force.” Moscow, April 18 – The World-War-II-era leader of the Soviet Union expressed puzzlement today over objections raised as to the legitimacy of recent elections in Syria. Joseph Vissarionovich …
Tyrannosaur Pleased His Remains Fund Mideast Tyrants “I glory in the use of what became of my remains to support the autocratic, repressive, terrorism-supporting, violent regimes of Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, Iran, and the like.” Riyadh, April 11 – A Tyrannosaurus Rex whose carcass was buried by seismic activity and compressed into crude oil expressed gratification today that the resulting compounds wound up …
Hand That Feeds Palestinians Now Almost All Scar Tissue The hand that feeds the Palestinians long ago had the opportunity to withdraw its support in response to the ingratitude. Ramallah, April 5 – The appendage used in providing for the needs of the Palestinians has turned almost entirely into scar tissue from repeated biting, medical officials reported today. In his monthly update of the …
Special Forces Raid In Syria Fails To Locate Lost American Credibility American credibility had been lost in the air over Syria more than a year and a half ago. Raqqa, Islamic State, Eastern Syria, March 31 – A covert military operation involving Green Berets and Navy SEALS deep inside Islamic State-controlled territory to retrieve American credibility that had been lost there more than a year ago …
Palestinians Arrest Man For Smuggling In Government Transparency Israelis seem to traffic in the stuff more than anyone else in the region, and the authorities view such dealings as suspect. Ramallah, March 27 – A mid-level official at the Palestinian Ministry of the Interior has been detained and charged with attempts to illegally bring government transparency into the Palestinian National Authority, PreOccupied Territory …
Abbas Torches Office Of NGO Working To Make Palestinians Not A Parody Of Selves “The group in question was operating to undermine the values and political system we have in place.” Ramallah, March 20 – An organization that aims to help Palestinian society and government defy the stereotype of them as backward, violent, repressive, and self-defeating has been declared illegal in Palestinian-controlled areas, a spokesman for the group said …
Palestinian Leaders Promise To Laugh Only Part Of Way To Bank Hamas chiefs in Gaza, Turkey, and especially Qatar are highly unlikely to see eye-to-eye with Abu Mazen on this. Ramallah, March 15 – Palestinian leaders lining their pockets and Swiss accounts with funds intended for Palestinian economic development have vowed to address the flagrant cronyism and corruption this week by laughing only part of the way …
Pollsters In Iran Find Correlation Between Polling, Imprisonment “If there is a causal mechanism, what might it be?” Tehran, March 10 – Researchers studying social, political, and demographic trends in the Islamic Republic of Iran have discovered what they claim is a strong statistical correlation between conducting polls in the country and ending up in prison, an article in the journal Statistics reports. …
Sudanese Come To Israel So World Will Care When They’re Mistreated “It’s such a different feeling,” gushed Mgonna Skwattir, 27, originally from the Darfur region. South Tel Aviv, March 6 – Tens of thousands of Sudanese living in Israel say they fled their native country amid horrific violence and the knowledge that in contrast to the situation in war-torn Sudan, if Israel seeks to harm them …
Palestinian Anti-Zombie Plan: Blame Israel “This method has a proven track record.” Ramallah, March 2 – Like most national governments, the Palestinian Authority has developed contingency plans for a number of unlikely scenarios, the better able to confront those events in the unlikely case they do occur. PreOccupied Territory was allowed a glimpse of the outlines of some plans at …
Openly Homophobic Mideast States Glad They Dodged ‘Pinkwashing’ Slur “If we stop killing people for their sexual orientation, that would mean creating expectations of enlightened behavior.” Riyadh, February 24 – Muslim countries in the Middle East and beyond that persecute and kill gays voiced relief this week that unlike Israel, they do not face accusations that they treat homosexuals well merely to distract from …
Hamas Frustrated It Can’t Violate Syria Ceasefire Also They hope other like-minded militants will step up and do that, or perhaps Assad regime loyalists themselves. Gaza City, February 22 – Representatives of the Islamic Resistance Movement that took control of the Gaza Strip in early 2007 voiced frustration today at the emerging cease-fire agreement among various belligerents in the ongoing Syrian conflict, saying …
Man Killing Thousands Of Sunnis Deeply Concerned For Sunni Welfare Sieges, assaults, massacres, mistreatment of captives, and myriad other acts of aggression against a mostly-Sunni population show an abiding care for the welfare of Sunnis. Beirut, February 17 – The head of a Shiite militant organization whose troops are involved in the killing, starvation, imprisonment, and torture or hundreds of thousands of Sunni coreligionists expressed profound …
For Valentine’s Day, Russia Dropping Heart-Shaped Bombs On Aleppo Cupid’s arrow will now take the form of 20-mm cannon shells. Beirut, February 13 – To celebrate what has become a lovers’ festival, the Russian Air Force plans to mark St. Valentine’s Day on Sunday with special heart-shaped munitions deployed against the rebels fighting Basher Assad’s regime in the strategic city of Aleppo. Sukhoi fighter-bomber …
UN Lauds ISIS For Including Disabled Among Executioners “They practice such progressiveness that it puts these-called ‘advanced’ societies of the West to shame.” New York, February 8 – The United Nations Economic and Social Council passed a resolution today commending the Islamic State for its attention to the rights of the disabled after the group’s fighters in Libya were filmed executing accused spies …
Toyota To Sue US For Destroying Car Carrying ISIS Leader “We would have made the same decision if Baleedi were riding in a Volkswagen,” said General Moe Terrs, a Pentagon spokesman. Sanaa, Yemen, February 4 – The world’s largest auto manufacturer announced its intention today to take the United States to court over the latter’s destruction by drone-fired missile of a Toyota vehicle carrying the …
At Least 45 Dead In Unimportant, Non-Israel-Inflicted Bombing “By reacting to this event I have already departed from my self-imposed ratio of two anti-Israel tweets for every non-Israel-related tweet.” Damascus, January 31 – At least 45 people were killed and dozens more injured in a suburb of the Syrian capital today, in a triple bombing that was not perpetrated by Israel, and will therefore …
NY Times Adds Automatic Editor’s Note To Every Diaa Hadid Submission Prior to her work with the Times, Hadid wrote for Electronic Intifada, a site known for its anti-Israel and antisemitic prejudice. New York, January 26 – The paper of record will from now on address recurrences of overt and frequent journalistic bias from one of its Mideast correspondents by implementing an automated script that attaches an …
Iran Hires Btselem To Out Homosexuals “Our values dovetail in several major respects.” Tehran, January 21 – To enhance its ability to identify and apprehend homosexuals, the Islamic Republic of Iran has contracted with the human rights organization Btselem, following revelations two weeks ago that the group engaged activists who reported Palestinians to the Palestinian Authority for selling land to Jews, a …
Besieged Gazans Forced To Freely Import, Export Tons Of Goods In addition to the trade restrictions, Israel also allows humanitarian medical cases in for treatment, a policy that Gaza leaders say is oppressive. Gaza City, January 17 – Businessmen and growers in the Gaza Strip are complaining that Israel’s blockade of the coastal territory has become so bad, they are forced to import and export …
US Navy In Persian Gulf To Use ‘Roll Over And Die’ Doctrine “We usually associate the doctrine with France in 1940, or with large elements of the Red Army in the second half of 1941.” Aboard the USS Harry Truman, January 13 – Amid escalating tensions with Iran, American naval forces patrolling the Persian Gulf have been ordered to implement a doctrine that calls for stubborn adherence …
For Next Trick, Iran To Directly Attack US, Get Away With It Obama will refuse to order retaliation of any sort because of his concern over maintaining the JCPOA agreement. Tehran, January 6 – Officials in Iran’s capital are telling excited followers of its recent dramatic activities that they should stay tuned in the coming weeks, when the Islamic Republic plans to expand its provocative activities to include …
Saudi Arabia Prints Muhammad Toons To Make Embassy Torching Worth It Sudan announced that in addition to severing diplomatic ties, it would sponsor an entirely new cartoon contest. Riyadh, January 4 – Saudi Arabian King Salman ordered several government-run newspapers and broadcast media to publish a series of caricatures of the prophet Muhammad today, saying that the move would at least make the torching of the country’s …