Showing 301–360 of 630 articles · Page 6 of 11
Judean Intelligence Absconds With Cartloads Of Parthian Archery Program Cuneiform Tablets Judean agents deployed in the Parthian capital had identified an old grain silo on the outskirts of the city as the storage facility housing the secret trove. Jerusalem, July 19 – The administration of Queen Salome scored an intelligence and public relations coup this week with the announcement that agents of her kingdom had obtained …
Banks Pulling Out Of Iran Relieved To Still Be Able To Sponsor Antisemites At Home Firms find a silver lining in being able to identify and support causes through sponsorship of events and groups in Britain such as Roger Waters, War on Want, and others with unassailable antisemitic bona fides. London, July 12 – Financial services companies issued metaphorical sighs of relief this week upon realizing that despite being forced …
Clouds Left Behind In Iran By Mossad Deny They’re Bitter News of Israel stealing Iran’s rain clouds broke earlier his week when an Iranian general made the accusation in an address. Qom, July 5 – Masses of atmospheric water droplets and other particles forced to remain in the skies over the Islamic Republic of Iran insisted they harbor no resentment over not being selected for …
Iran Workers Now Demanding To Be Paid In Weimar Marks The rial has lost almost half its value since the end of 2017, and keeps falling. Isfahan, June 27 – Protesters gathered across the Islamic Republic today amid worsening financial and economic woes, and demanded that the country’s leadership address the plummeting currency by mandating payment of wages in the comparatively stable monetary units of pre-Nazi …
Tehran Radio Host Arrested After Anti-Semitic Rant Not Anti-Semitic Enough He appears to be under the misapprehension that Holocaust denial suffices. Tehran, June 24 – A popular on-air commentator in Iran faces charges of libel after he launched into a Judaeophobic tirade during his program that proved insufficiently Judaeophobic for the mullahs who run the country. Police escorted Alqildeh Jouz of Radio Quds, a station …
Brawl At Gaza Birthday Party Over Who Gets To Blow Out Balloons “It’s usually not a big deal – I mean, balloons are for burning, or at least attaching burning things to.” Khan Younis, June 18 – Tension gripped this refugee-camp-cum-urban-jungle this afternoon following an outbreak of violence at a celebration for a local boy’s tenth birthday where an argument over who got to extinguish the flaming …
Palestinian Refugees Insist They Like Wheat Grass Juice, Lebanese Apartheid “Have you tried this? It’s amazing.” `Ein el-Hilweh Refugee Camp, June 10 – Residents of this and other UN-administered locales for the descendants of people who fled their homes after Israel declared statehood maintain that blended stalks of immature grain – a food no sane human would profess to find appealing – is delicious and …
After Airstrikes Kill 0 Gazans, Hamas Slams Israel For Depriving Them Of Corpses To Display “When will the world understand what we face in Palestine?” Khan Yunis, May 31 – Palestinian terrorist factions who had hoped to trigger a bloody Israeli response to more than 100 rockets and mortar shells launched from the Gaza Strip voiced criticism of the Jewish State today for only hitting unmanned positions in retaliation, forcing …
Reviewers Bash Ramadan TV Series For Lack Of Antisemitism “It forfeits all verisimilitude when it ignores the defining aspect of Muslim life.” Cairo, May 24 – Viewers across the region anticipate the onset of the monthlong Ramadan observance each year, either for the spiritual development it represents or for the special entertainment the government-run media in the Middle East produce to accompany each evening’s festive …
Hezbollah Alleges Fraud If Rivals’ Votes Counted The party’s efforts to prevent supporters of other factions from casting votes should have resulted in much larger gains. Beirut, May 8 – Iran’s proxy arm in Lebanon made important parliamentary gains Monday, but despite celebrations among Hezbollah loyalists around the country, some in the movement accuse election authorities of mishandling the ballot count after …
Archaeologists Excited That Syria Now Almost All Ruins It took the Romans hundreds of years to give us the number of ruins and abandoned sites for which they are celebrated. Damascus, May 6 – Researchers of the distant past expressed their thrill today that the Republic of Syria will soon consist of little more than destroyed buildings, abandoned cities, and the evidence of …
Khamenei Finds Mossad Tunnel Behind Poster Of Raquel Welch The stolen binders were replaced by replicas containing nothing but old copies of the Qur’an. Tehran, May 1 – Iran’s Supreme Leader discovered a secret passageway in his headquarters that Israeli intelligence used in obtaining a large quantity of classified material on the Islamic Republic’s nuclear weapons program, PreOccupied Territory has learned, after checking behind a …
UAE To Fund Rebuilding Of Mosul Sex Slave Market “The trappings and institutions of a normal Islamic community and society play a pivotal role in the gradual process of recovery and restabilization.” Dubai, April 26 – Efforts to restore the major northern Iraqi city of Mosul to its former glory following liberation from the Islamic State received a significant boost this week with a …
Media Covering Decades Of Arab-Israeli Conflict Already Tired Of Iran Protests “I can just feel the relevance and newness of yet another violent encounter between Arab rioters and Jews. No wonder they get all the attention.” Isfahan, April 19 – Several months into civil unrest in Iran, the protests and their violent suppression now attract little or no coverage in Western media, participants noted today, the …
Islamic Jihad Leader Hospitalized After Mossad Remotely Causes Brain Bleeding With ‘Stroke Of Genius’ Weapon The capabilities, range, and other aspects of Stroke of Genius remain unknown quantities, causing consternation in Arab capitals and among high-ranking members of terrorist organizations. Beirut, April 11 – The head of a militant Islamist group dedicated to the violent destruction of Israel and the establishment of an Islamic state of Palestine in its place …
NGOs Can’t Hear Dying Syrians Over Sound Of How Awesome Hamas Is “Chemical weapons? No, that couldn’t be right. Obama and Kerry promised Russia would take care of removing Assad’s stockpile.” New York, April 9 – Human Rights groups and international organizations have difficulty discerning that people in Syria are being slaughtered and subjected to atrocities such as chemical weapons, representatives are reporting, because the manifest greatness …
Obama Gifts Iran With Echo Chamber Used In Pushing Nuke Deal “What more fitting gesture could there be to demonstrate that appreciation than the very item that served us so well in selling the deal to the American public?” Chicago, March 27 – The president who engineered the nuclear pact with Iran concerning the Islamic Republic’s weapons program has decided to present the regime with the …
Palestinians OK With Being Pawns Because At Least That Way Somebody Touches Them “Otherwise it means we’re totally ignored, unimportant, and who could accept the shame?” Ramallah, March 13 – Residents of refugee camps and areas under Palestinian self-rule voiced resignation today at being manipulated and having their plight co-opted by cynical international actors, but found the silver lining in the situation by noting that at least when …
Hamas Demands Israel Open Airspace To Missiles From Gaza An agreement between Riyadh and New Delhi last month opened Saudi skies to Air India craft flying to and from Israel, the first time the Saudis will allow any flight to or from Israel to cross its airspace. Gaza City, March 12 – Recent development in Middle East air traffic have prompted leaders of the …
Swedish Cabinet To Undergo FGM To Show Respect Before Visit To Muslim Countries “Just as we want the immigrants from those countries in Sweden to feel welcome, we want want to make our hosts comfortable when we go there.” Stockholm, March 6 – Following a trip to Iran last year marked by the female ministers of Sweden’s government donning headscarves in a nod to local mores enforced by …
People Who Emboldened Iran With Nuke Deal Can’t Understand Why Country Keeps Ignoring Syria Ceasefire After playing a key role in showcasing Western inability to check Iran, they remain at a loss to explain what might make Iran think they could do whatever they want and face no consequences. Washington, February 28 – Diplomats and political figures instrumental in handing the Middle East to Iran on a silver platter and …
NGOs Monitoring Iran Prisons For Things To Accuse Israel Of Doing It’s a model that has served human rights groups for quite some time. Evin Prison, February 21 – Activists at some of the world’s leading human rights advocacy organizations have been paying close attention to the atrocities and abuses taking place inside the Islamic Republic of Iran’s prison system, recording crimes so they can later …
Persians Confused To Discover None Of Haman’s Ten Hanged Sons Gay “Everyone knows this is what happens to gays in this land, and always will, at least for another 2,500 years.” Hamadan, February 15 – Citizens of this Achaemenid realm voiced bewilderment today upon being informed that despite the method by which their bodies were mistreated, not a single one of the men hanged by order …
Country That Slaughters Natives Of Lebanon, Iraq, Syria, Really Concerned About Palestinian Indigenous Rights The mullahs’ regime, which also oppresses non-Shiite Arabs within Iran, maintains a policy of making pronouncements on the importance of Palestinians determining their own fate. Tehran, February 8 – A Middle Eastern state engaged in multiple military conflicts in the region in which its forces or proxies have killed tens of thousands of indigenous residents of …
UN Agency To Keep Migrants Deported From Israel Stateless Till They Can Return “I am confident we can count on Jordan, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, and other Arab states to provide hospitality for untold generations of this new population of refugees.” Geneva, January 31 – Officials at the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees disclosed today that they are lobbying various governments to support an expansion …
Israel Postal Service Looks To Syrian Barrel Bombs For New Ways To Deliver Mail Badly The project could have launched earlier but for the culture of underachievement that already pervades the organization. Jerusalem, January 23 – In its effort to integrate new technologies and methods into its practices, the Postal Authority has been examining the Syrian regime tactic of dropping canisters of flaming petroleum our of helicopters as a possible …
Abbas To Hire People For Rally To Mark 14th Year Of His 4-Year Term In the interest of free speech, members of the rival organization Hamas will be barred from attending. Ramallah, January 22 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas completed thirteen years of his four-year term as president two weeks ago, and will pay residents of the Palestinian Authority to attend a public celebration in honor of the achievement, …
Jordanians Demand Envoy Be Recalled From Israel, Bring Water “Our crops will suffer otherwise.” Amman, January 16 – Popular discontent at a longstanding peace agreement with Israel has residents of the Hashemite kingdom calling for the country’s ambassador to be withdrawn from the Jewish State, hopefully carrying some drinkable water when he makes the trip. Solidarity with Palestinians and a strong Islamist streak among …
Nation Ruled By ‘Supreme Leader’ A Real, Not Comic-Book, Place It seems to be taken out of The Transformers, He-Man, or something else made to appeal to a ten-year-old. Tehran, January 10 – Political commentators and officials have taken note recently that despite the caricatured, moralizing fantasy connotations of the term, there exists a country controlled by a person with the title “Supreme Leader.” The Islamic Republic …
Non-Millennials Wishing Iran Would Take Down Instagram Everywhere Else Too “Iran effectively controls Iraq, Syria, Yemen, and Lebanon, and they’ve got serious sway over in the Gaza Strip, so it couldn’t be much of a stretch.” Tehran, January 3 – Swelling protests against the regime of the Ayatollahs continued today, several days after the government ordered social media apps such as Instagram disabled in a …
Amid Security Concerns, US To Move Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon Embassies To Jerusalem Also “We could call on our people to riot in response, but I think that would kind of make their point for them,” admitted a Jordanian official. Cairo, December 28 – Continued unrest in the region following US President Donald Trump’s announcement two weeks ago that it will relocate its Tel Aviv embassy to Israel’s capital …
Islamic Countries Puzzled Why So Many Trying To Flee To Europe From Sharia Paradise “A sophisticated propaganda campaign, perhaps, might account for the people streaming out of our Islamic paradise.” Riyadh, December 21 – Leaders of several Mideast states governed by Islamic Law voiced confusion regarding the phenomenon in which hundreds of thousands of Muslims attempt to escape the Heaven-on-Earth that Sharia law creates, headed for the degenerate infidel …
Palestinians Struggling To Keep Up With What Day Of Rage About This Time “It’s hard to get behind a generic ‘I don’t like this’ orgy of violence,” explained Mustafa Massikr, 19. Ramallah, December 13 – Youths in the Palestinian-administered territories admitted uncertainty today regarding the specific offense they are meant to be resisting via violent protest, given the plethora of triggers under discussion in Arab media of late. While …
After Slamming ‘Judaizing’ Of Jerusalem, EU Decries ‘Turkification’ Of Turkey The court found that Turkic peoples invaded Anatolia and that they are not native to the region. Brussels, December 6 – European leaders followed up their negative reaction to American recognition of Israel as Jerusalem’s capital Wednesday by addressing another historic wrong in the region: the alien presence and control of Turkey by non-native peoples, …
Barak Sticking To Prediction Assad Will Fall In 2012 “I would hope that Netanyahu seizes this opportunity to cultivate closer relations and greater coordination with the current Obama administration, but he’s not doing that.” Kochav Yair, December 4, 2017 – Former Prime Minister and Former Minister of Defense Ehud Barak continued his latest attempt at a political comeback this week by giving a series …
Iranian Engineers Propose Using Cranes For Construction As Well As Hanging Gays “Next you’re going to tell me a school has a function other than storing weapons to use against Jews.” Tehran, November 22 – Technical specialists in Iran’s capital sent a ripple through the country’s construction industry Tuesday morning with the revelation that cranes, from which homosexuals are hanged in public, can also be used in …
Renewable Energy Orgs Hail Pact To Heat Russian Homes With Palestinian Hot Air Palestinians have rendered hot air effectively inexhaustible. Moscow, November 22 – Environmental groups welcomed the announcement today of an agreement between Russia and the Palestinian Authority to provide the former with a large supply of hot air with which to heat residences and workplaces this winter. Greenpeace, the Sierra Club, and other prominent ecology-minded organizations …
Facts That Support Israel’s Version Of Events Should Not Be Dismissed As ‘Israel Claims,’ Israel Claims Palestinian observers who Israel claims were not present at the meeting characterized it as yet another example of Israeli perfidy. Tel Aviv, November 19 – Media reportage that presents the details of incidents in which Israel’s description matches observable reality must present that description at face value and refrain from casting doubt on its veracity …
Saudi Arabia In Transition From Banning Women Drivers To Stereotyping Them Observers welcome it as a sign that traditional Saudi society can adapt quickly to such changes. Riyadh, November 16 – Following a change to the law last month that saw the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia make it legal for women to drive motor vehicles, the society has begun to shift toward the norm in countries …
Syrian Refugees Demand Eternal Limbo Like UNRWA Gives Palestinians “Hey, that’s not fair,” objected Muhammad Chalabi, 45, a father of six originally from a Damascus suburb. “I don’t want to rebuild my life.” Near the border with southern Syria, Jordan, November 9 – Former residents of Syria who fled the brutality either of the Assad regime or Islamist militias and now find themselves relegated …
Theorists Struggle To Posit Israeli Move Not Deemed Blow To Peace Process “We will continue our work,” one scientist was quoted as saying. “But so far the results have proved disappointing.” Stanford, November 1 – Scientists testing the principles of theoretical physics have so far been unable to create hypothetical situations in which an action by Israel will not be construed as a threat to the peace …
PayPal In Hot Water After Offering ISIS ‘Credit Decision In Seconds’ Terrorists’ inboxes must be safeguarded from the crap that accumulates in everyone else’s. Washington, October 29 – Online transaction giant PayPal found itself in legal trouble this week after federal authorities noticed that the company’s constant, ubiquitous, unceasing flood of emails offering instant approval for loans had been sent to accounts linked to the terrorist …
Artifact Looters In Iraq, Syria Sore That British Museum Took Good Stuff First Under Queen Victoria, British archaeologists and adventurers scoured the world for treasures and shipped them back home, where they now take pride of place at London exhibits. Baghdad, October 24 – Black-market operatives in the archaeological field hoping to score big payouts from looting sites in chaotic areas of the Middle East have voiced repeated …
Allies Regret Cannot Screw Over Kurds As Deeply As They Did Europe’s Jews “That’s a shame. We like to think big.” Washington, October 19 – Diplomats in Washington, London, Paris, and other capitals voiced disappointment this week that despite betraying Kurds and insisting they not pursue sovereignty after years of indispensable Kurdish help in defeating the Islamic State and stabilizing their portion of fragmented Iraq, they would be …
Poll Confirms 90% Of E. Jerusalem Arabs Prefer Waterboarding To Palestinian Rule Prisoners undergoing torture in Palestinian Authority jails were unavailable for comment. Jerusalem, October 8 – A new survey of Arab residents of the contested city of Jerusalem indicates that not only do they wish to remain under Israeli sovereignty, rather than be subject to the Palestinian Authority, but an overwhelming majority of them would rather …
Non-Arab Iran Willing To Fight Israel, West To Last Arab Experts cited the episodic wars between Iran-backed militant groups and Israel, in which thousands of Arabs, i.e. not people from Iran, have been killed. Tehran, September 28 – Iranian officials, presiding over a nation of non-Arabs, restated today their determination to combat Israel and Western interests in the region even as far as the death …
Report: Competent Kurdish State Will Cause Instability, Palestinian Terror State Just Fine The Middle East isn’t used to competent administration; it would be irresponsible to introduce such a thing. Mosul, September 24 – Analysts from a cadre of nations and entities monitoring the fluid, chaotic situation in the Middle East have concluded that establishing an independent, coherent state for Kurds where they already enjoy de facto autonomy …
With Jewish Population Gone, Syria Boasts 0 Antisemitic Incidents The Syrian approach is scalable to the entire region. Damascus, September 13 – Officials of President Basher Assad’s regime boasted today that prejudice-monitoring agencies in the country had recorded no verbal or physical assaults against Jews in the last 12 months, sparking hope that when the dwindling Jewish population of Syria disappears over the next …
Saudi Discovers BVD Wife-Beaters Ineffective, Demands Refund Observers note that Foreet could accept responsibility for the misunderstanding and undertake to exercise greater care in selecting products for purchase, but such a course of action would require violation of at least two taboos. Balagan, Saudi Arabia, September 11 – Confusion reigned today after a local husband sought to vent his displeasure at his …
Staffer: Obama Didn’t Intervene In Syria Genocide B/c Victims Wouldn’t Vote Democrat Anyway “Syrian civilians just aren’t an important voting demographic, so they got the shaft.” Washington, September 7 – Retraction of a report by the Holocaust Museum that whitewashed President Obama’s inaction to prevent Syrian regime forces from continuing to commit mass murder and other atrocities has prompted one former aide to explain that the forty-fourth president …
Activists Struggling To Call Attention To Atrocities Not Committed By Jews The body count in Yemen and Saudi Arabia is much higher than all the violence in Gaza over the years put together, and the physical destruction more extensive. Aden, Yemen, September 3 – The proxy war raging on the southern end of the Arabian Peninsula between American allies and Iranian-backed insurgents has claimed tens of thousands …
Arab Media Vow Better Balance Of Vermin In Descriptions Of Jews “We apologize to our viewers and readers for the insensitivity displayed to date in our reporting and analysis vis-à-vis the depiction of Jews as scum-sucking vermin.” Doha, August 29 – Responding to concerns of viewers and activists over discrimination, Al Jazeera and other media operations in the Arab and Muslim world have promised to achieve …
Erdogan Orders Publishers To Remove ‘Dissent’ From ‘Descent’ Homophone Lists “This should be no different from when he ordered physics textbooks altered to replaced the word res- I mean the word that describes the degree to which a conductor does not allow the passage of electrical current.” Ankara, August 24 – The President of Turkey has instructed publishing houses and other media that produce reference …
Iran: US Allowing Criticism Of Nuclear Deal Violates Nuclear Deal “We had hoped that eventually the Americans would begin jailing, torturing, even executing critics, just to show they are serious about this commitment.” Tehran, August 20 – Diplomatic and political officials in Iran lambasted American foreign policy today and threatened to abandon the agreement that regulates the Islamic Republic’s nuclear weapons program, asserting that the agreement …
Still 0 Confirmed Attending Gaza SlutWalk Event “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” stated a burkha-clad woman shooting fearful looks at her husband. “Please go away.” Gaza City, August 15 – Two weeks after activists posted a scheduled demonstration on behalf of women’s rights and against patriarchal dominance, no Facebook users have registered their intention to participate, organizers are reporting. SlutWalk …
Palestinian Ancestry Traced To Khazars There is a direct male lineage traceable in seventy-five percent of Palestinians to the Khazars. Stockholm, August 10 – In what scholars are calling an upheaval in demographic research, a new study has determined that the modern Palestinian population descends from a southeastern Europe and Central Asian group, and not, as is widely assumed or claimed, from …
Jordan: Ministry Of Badmouthing Israel While Depending On Her For Survival Gets New Minister The urgency of the appointment increased over recent weeks. Amman, August 9 – King Abdullah of Jordan approved the appointment today of a new chief for the Ministry of Badmouthing Israel While Depending on Her for Survival, sources in the Hashemite capital reported today. A spokesman for the ministry told reporters that the king had …
Arab Regimes Face Rising Mossad Prices For Generating Distractions From Oppression “The Temple Mount crisis was relatively small potatoes, but still expensive to engineer,” confessed a Jordanian official. Tel Aviv, July 30 – Rulers of Arab and Muslim states in the Middle East and beyond voiced frustration today at the increasing costs of engaging Israel’s secret intelligence service to manufacture crises for purposes of diverting Arab …
Jordan Hoping To Implement Better Model Of Hating Israel But Depending On Them For Survival “The threat of us becoming an Islamist terrorist state is the only leverage we can credibly bring to bear.” Amman, July 26 – Authorities in the Hashemite kingdom on the east bank of the Jordan River are looking to make positive enhancements to the existing template for relations with Israel, which involves condoning or encouraging …
Neighbors Accuse Israel Of Pinkwashing, Greenwashing, Democracywashing, Techwashing, Humanitarianwashing, Religiousfreedomwashing It’s the Jews pursuing success and prosperity only to make Palestinians, and Arabs in general, look like backward barbarians by comparison. Damascus, July 19 – Just a few dozen kilometers to the southwest of the Syrian capital, Israeli soldiers have been delivering food, medicine, and other essentials to beleaguered Syrian civilians caught in a war …