Showing 361–420 of 630 articles · Page 7 of 11
500,000 Killed In Party Mishap As Iran Unwraps Gift Of Entire Mideast From Obama Precise casualty figures on the giftwrap-related disaster are hard to come by, but estimates range from just under 300,000 dead to more than 500,000. Homs, Syria, July 17 – Half a million people were killed across the region this decade after Iran’s unwrapping a present from the administration of Barack Obama, consisting of almost the …
Abbas To Start Mass Execution Of Palestinians To See If World Blames Israel For That Too The official described the diplomatic consequences as a secondary goal of the move, with the primary aim inflicting political damage on rival Hamas. Ramallah, July 12 – Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas intends to follow up on the severe reduction of exit permits for Gazans to receive treatment in Israel and the West Bank by …
Palestinian Leaders Puzzled By Your Assumption They Care About Palestinians “This is… uninformed,” answered a polite Mahmoud Abbas. Ramallah, July 6 – Prominent officials in Palestinian government and society voiced surprise and confusion today when informed that you believe the welfare of everyday Palestinians matters to them. Leaders of the dominant Fatah faction and the rival, Islamist movement Hamas confessed being perplexed this morning upon …
Something Important Apparently Happening In Qatar “It looks like there are reports of stuff happening, or about to happen, or that might happen if something doesn’t change.” Doha, July 2 – Some significant developments are going on in the Persian Gulf nation of Qatar, according to local sources whose job it is to notice such events. Journalists on the ground in …
Mideast States Photoshopping Rivals’ Airplanes Into Ben Gurion Officials in Riyadh, Cairo, Dubai, and elsewhere went as far as to alter photos of aerial military exercises to show their rivals’ fighters collaborating with the Israel Air Force. Riyadh, June 27 – Tensions between competing alliances of Arab and Muslim countries intensified again today as each side produced doctored photos purporting to show aircraft …
Russia Still Waiting For Palestinian Elections It Can Hack Abbas’s term officially ended more than seven years ago, and the parliamentarians should have been out of office six years ago. Moscow, June 22 – President Vladimir Putin of Russia has put on hold a series of operations aimed at manipulating elections for the Palestinian presidency, in response to intelligence assessments that no such elections …
Palestinians Angry Israel Put Password On Wifi Palestinian officials compared the need to pay for their own WiFi signal to the plight of Russians in besieged Leningrad during WWII. Ramallah, June 18 – Palestinians accustomed to receiving free benefits protested today at Israel’s decision to secure its wireless network with a password, local sources have reported. Israel imposed a security code on …
10s Of Thousands Of Palestinians Bravely Defy BDS To Work In Israel It remains unclear what manner of sanctions BDS might call for against these flagrant violations of its aims. Hizmeh Post, June 13 – Cars and buses from Palestinian-administered territories line up at this security checkpoint northeast of Jerusalem each morning into rush hour so that thousands of day-laborers and other workers may gain entry into …
Moderate Cannibals Feeling Pressure To Disavow Extremists “In fact we deny that what those monsters are doing is cannibalism at all.” Beirut, June 7 – Community leaders among those who consume human flesh in a moderate fashion complain that they are being unfairly targeted by critics of the practice who lump them together with more radical perpetrators. Moderate cannibals face unjust pressure …
Smirking Israel Says Qatar Welcome To Use Her Airspace “We’re just here to help,” added the ministry spokesman, unable to suppress a smirk. Jerusalem, June 5 – As Arab state after Arab state closes its skies to Qatar’s national carrier amid ratcheting political and diplomatic confrontation, the Jewish State offered to let Qatar Airways fly over its territory en route to destinations in Europe, …
Car Bomb Means ISIS In Baghdad Really Hates Cars “Intense obsession with destroying cars and trucks.” Baghdad, May 30 – Another vehicle laden with explosives went off this morning in the Iraqi capital, driving home the point to military and political experts that the Islamic State, responsible for the bulk of such incidents, harbors an intense animosity for cars. The latest attack in downtown …
Boy Who Cried Wolf Shaking Head At Repeated Touting Of Palestinian Cause How dense do you have to be to fall for the same rhetorical trick time and time again? Athens, May 25 – A youth notorious for repeated invocation of a threat to the point that the alarm no longer raises the intended reaction cannot believe that Arab and Muslim regimes keep citing the overused Palestinian …
Melania Wears Regev’s Jerusalem Dress To Riyadh Saudi officials denied knowledge of the dress. Riyadh, May 21 – First Lady Melania Trump turned heads and sent tongues wagging as she and President Trump departed for Saudi Arabia, first by announcing she would not cover her hair, and then, upon landing, by appearing in the Kingdom in the Jerusalem-themed dress that Israeli Minister …
Saudis Invite Bashir To Trump Meeting After No Answer From Hitler, Pol Pot “Once we didn’t get an answer from Hitler or Pol Pot, we were forced to skip down to second-rate mass-murderers.” Riyadh, May 18 – Royal authorities in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia have extended an invitation to genocidal dictator of Sudan Omar Bashir to attend an event hosting American President Donald Trump next week, after …
Arab League Delegates Hoping to Catapult Region Forward Into 15th Century “If we aim high enough, we can reach the once-inconceivable levels of sophistication and advancement associated with the fourteen-hundreds in Europe.” Cairo, May 10 – Representatives of the 22 Arab member states of the Arab League plan to take up economic and cultural development at their next meeting in June, where they will put forward …
Starving Palestinians In Yarmouk Camp Just Thrilled Barghouti Eating Wafers “Israel isn’t providing enough channels of satellite TV? Well, yeah, come on. That’s like basic stuff.” Damascus, May 8 – Remaining residents of the besieged Yarmouk Palestinian refugee camp on the outskirts of the Syrian capital voiced satisfaction that a hunger-striking leader has been sneaking chocolaty snacks while they starve, and that his political stunt …
Child Psychologists Unable To Distinguish Palestinian And Toddler Responses Tantrums, violence, threats, and incoherent or unreasonable demands. Gainesville, Florida, May 3 – University of Florida researchers have published a study in child psychology that shows professional diagnosticians lack the skills to tell the difference between the behavior of toddlers and that of the Palestinian leadership. The study, printed in this month’s edition of the …
Syrian Missiles Accidentally Hit Military Target “The army in no way intended to hit non-civilian targets; it is not our way.” Damascus, April 26 – Syrian military officials acknowledged today that a barrage of rockets fired at the rebel stronghold of Idlib yesterday may have missed their target and hit a position of military value. Seven insurgents were killed in the …
Study: Arabs Achieve ‘Native’ Status In 1 Generation; Jews, Never “For centuries, it was thought to be a social phenomenon, but in fact it’s purely biological.” Amman, April 24 – New research findings may explain how Arab migrants from around the Mediterranean basin and Arabian Peninsula and their descendants acquire indigenous status in the Holy Land more or less immediately, while Jews, whose civilization and …
Palestinian Authority Formally Schedules Elections For ‘Inshallah’ Abbas formed the committee in 2015 to study the issue and make recommendations. Ramallah, April 20 – A committee appointed by Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas for purposes of recommending a suitable date for the next parliamentary and presidential elections for the Palestinian National Authority has scheduled them for the next inshallah, a decision to which …
Palestinians Hope Refugee Camp Killings Show How Ready They Are For State “In addition to these incidents, we’ve had the phenomenon of international Palestinian terrorism since the 1960’s, such that by now, everyone should be aware of the Palestinian readiness for a functioning state.” Ein el-Hilweh, Lebanon, April 9 – Fatah and Salafi militants in this Palestinian refugee camp in Lebanon engaged in yet another firefight today, …
Therapist Urges ‘Trans’Jordan To Embrace Sexual Identity Suppressing its history of being Trans – a history that goes back to ancient times – has wrought emotional instability and a confused sense of self in Jordan. Amman, April 2 – A counselor working with the Hashemite kingdom that currently declares itself “Jordan” has begun encouraging it to stop repressing its original, authentic identity …
State Dept. Had Been Hoping For *DEMOCRATIC* Genocidal Mideast States Diplomats had hoped the region could transition from iron-fisted rule by hereditary dictatorships to iron-fisted rule by democratically-elected governments. Washington, March 29 – With the release of former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak from prison today, staffers as the US Department of State voiced disappointment at the denouement of the vaunted Arab Spring, and confessed they …
Palestinians Relinquish All Claims Against Israel Palestinian Authority encourages people to move away; calls West Bank and Gaza “Jewish” Ramallah, March 24 – The Palestinian Authority announced today that it is relinquishing all territorial claims against Israel, and that it encourages all Palestinians in the West Bank, Gaza Strip and East Jerusalem to move elsewhere. The announcement comes after months of …
Abbas Honors Pigeon That Crapped On Netanyahu’s Motorcade The defecation took place last Wednesday, as Netanyahu’s motorcade made its way through Jerusalem. Ramallah, March 20 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas granted citizenship today to a rock dove that defecated on the procession of cars escorting Israeli prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu last week. During a ceremony at the presidential compound in the Palestinian capital …
Cypriots Consider Protesting Israeli, Not Turkish, Occupation So World Might Care “It should work just fine, since Israel isn’t occupying Gaza, either, by any reasonable interpretation of international law, but you wouldn’t know it from all the protests.” Nicosia, March 15 – Greek-speaking residents of North Cyprus, an area of the island effectively under Turkish occupation since 1974, told reporters they are considering a change in …
Palestinians Discover ‘Boys Clubs’ Unrelated To Beating People With Sticks “Palestinian youth do not need our programs to give them an outlet and indoctrination to violence. For that they have their own government and UNRWA.” Jenin, March 8 – A local youth organization with American sponsorship has been forced to close its doors due to lack of responsiveness from area teens and preteens, after the …
Israel Practices Apartheid, Says Country That Bars Palestinians From Jobs, Voting, Property “Palestinians are forced to vote only in Palestinian elections,” he charged. Ein el-Hilweh Refugee Camp, March 6 – A state that restricts Palestinians residing in its territory from owning property, obtaining citizenship, receiving state medical care, obtaining employment in twenty professional fields, and building homes has called Israel’s treatment of Palestinians Apartheid, reminiscent of South …
Aliens Admit Iran The Inspiration For Their Abduction Activities “We’ve upped our intake of specimens, and finished in less than a third of the time.” Tehran, March 2 – Residents of faraway worlds who visit Earth to kidnap people revealed today that it never would have occurred to them to develop the practice unless the Islamic Republic of Iran had blazed the trail of …
2 Syrian Prisons Make TripAdvisor List Of World’s Top Ten Torture Facilities They edged out such infamous venues as Guantanamo Bay, Russian labor camps, and most of China’s vast penal system. Palmyra, Syria, February 26 – Syrian authorities expressed satisfaction today that their work has been recognized, pointing to the TripAdvisor ranking of worldwide prison and torture facilities that placed the country’s Saydnaya and Adra Prison complexes …
Ismail Haniyeh’s Gay Ex-Lover To Release Tell-All Book On My Knees: In The Bedroom With Ismail Haniyeh will be published in April. London, February 21 – The leader of the militant Islamist movement that runs Gaza faces embarrassment as a former same-sex romantic partner is preparing to publish a memoir of the intimate relationship, sources in Gaza City reported today. Ismail Haniyeh, who will …
Authority Banning Land Sales To Jews Accuses Israel Of Ethnic Cleansing “This land is Palestinian. They cannot stay. Did I mention that Israel is conducting ethnic cleansing?” Ramallah, February 16 – A spokesman for the Palestinian Authority government that imposes the death penalty or life imprisonment for selling land to Jews, and has made the dismantling of Jewish communities in the territory it claims a prerequisite …
Palestinians To Celebrate Valentine’s Day With Special Honor Killings Already, six teenage and young adult women in the community have been named as suspects for purposes of the observance. ‘Uja Village, February 12 – Residents of this Jordan Valley community are planning a special observance of St. Valentine’s Day this week, in which they will pay tribute to the saint’s legacy of love by …
Progressive Advocates Laud Diversity Of Assad Execution Victims The regime has been working on expanding its torture and murder to an ever-expanding list of populations. Damascus, February 8 – Progressive organizations reacted with gratification to reports yesterday that Basher Assad’s regime has tortured and executed thirteen thousand people at a notorious prison since 2011, noting that the people killed in such brutal fashion …
UFO Enthusiasts Call Palestinian Unity Government Too Far-Fetched “Palestinian unity? What are you, some kind of nut?” Boise, Idaho, February 1 – Groups of devotees to the notion of extraterrestrial visitors secretly visiting Earth, and whose presence has been repeatedly concealed by the government for decades, despite no conclusive evidence that such creatures exist, have dismissed the idea of a Fatah-Hamas rapprochement that leads …
Egypt Restricts Child Marriage: Minimum Bride Price Now 13 Goats “Our girls are worth more than that.” Hirbun a-Tahta, Egypt, January 30 – In an effort to crack down on underage marriage, authorities in Egypt have set the minimum price to pay for a child bride at 13 goats, Ministry of the Interior sources reported today. Ministry spokesman Bedda Fayyil called a press conference to …
Iran Points To Asterisk In Geneva Conventions: *Only Applies To Israel Such a proviso helps explain the conduct of the international arena over several decades. Tehran, January 25 – Scholars of International Law held a symposium today on the legality of Iran’s settlement of Shia Muslims in formerly Sunni areas of Syria and Iraq, from which the consensus emerged that as formulated, the Geneva Conventions governing …
Iran Hoping To Take Britain’s Place In EU British opponents of Brexit voiced bitterness at the prospect of not participating in the Union with Iran. London, January 17 – Officials in Tehran followed British Prime Minister Theresa May’s speech Tuesday with interest, noting that if, as she declared, the UK will remove itself from the European Union, the Islamic Republic of Iran will …
Israelites Take Roundabout Sinai Route To Avoid ISIS-Sisi Fighting Military analysts remain divided over the wisdom of the decision. Pi Hahiroth, January 16 – When the Children of Israel passed by here on the way to the Sea of Reeds several months ago, their leadership took a strategic turn and led the people not along the coast up to the Promised Land, but into …
Sinister Plot Behind Every Obstacle Or Failure Facing Area Arab “It turns out that my life is much more significant on a global scale than I had assumed.” Cairo, January 12 – A local merchant knows whom to blame each time he encounters adversity: the nefarious forces bent on undermining Islam and Arabs. Samwan Elss, 41, has faced multiple instances today of his will being …
Erekat Hopes To Reach 100 Resignation Threats By End Of Year “I can resign as many times as necessary to achieve Palestinian national aspirations.” Ramallah, January 8 – The Chief Palestinian negotiator aims to issue his one hundredth career threat this year to resign from the position, and voiced confidence this morning that with Donald Trump taking office this month, the situations that might warrant such …
Arab States Lament Dwindling Supply Of Nazi War Criminals To Harbor The wanted men commanded units that committed atrocities across Europe during the war. Damascus, January 3 – Governments across the Middle East are confronting the shrinking number of Nazi war criminals with a mixture of resolve and concern, local sources have reported. Most of the prominent German Nazis implicated in or convicted of crimes against …
Saudi Arabia Bans Women From Using Google Drive A parallel change is expected to go into effect in May: women will then be prohibited from visiting a driving range. Riyadh, December 29 – New restrictions on women and driving are scheduled to come into effect on Sunday, the most important of which involves a prohibition on women’s use of the online document management utility …
Ayatollahs Realize US Would, By Contrast, Veto Any UN Resolution Against Iran “He’s been angling to abandon Israel since before he took office.” Tehran, December 25 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic if Iran expressed confidence today that as opposed to the Obama administration’s treatment of its ally Israel, no United Nations Security Council resolution against Iran would withstand an American veto, local sources report. Newspapers in …
Impotence Of Int’l Community In Syria Supposed To Reassure Israel About ‘Shared’ Jerusalem Western reluctance to act militarily to impair or stop the genocide occurring in Syria plays an important role in that argument. Aleppo, December 21 – Lack of political will around the globe to intervene in the bloodshed plaguing Syria is apparently supposed to help convince decision-makers in Israel to relinquish exclusive claims to Jerusalem in …
Pharaoh Rejects Call To Adopt IHRA Definition Of Antisemitism Egyptian nationalists and the alt-right voiced satisfaction with the royal decision. Memphis, December 14 – The ruler of the Egyptian Empire today dismissed calls for his government to accept a definition of anti-Jewish rhetoric that includes some kinds of criticism of Israel, palace sources are reporting. Pharaoh Thutmose II rejected pleas from Hebrew advocates to …
Assad Forces Declare 90% Done With Aleppo-Area Genocide “It will be a matter of mere weeks until we have completed the mission, and one hundred percent of the intended targets are eliminated in and around Aleppo.” Damascus, December 12 – A spokesman for Syria’s military announced this morning that the army has nearly completed its goals in the Aleppo district, having accomplished nine …
Damascus Ophthalmologist Denies Complicity In 400,000 Deaths If confirmed, the allegations would make Dr. Assad a possible second as a murderous practitioner of medicine only to notorious Nazi physician Joseph Mengele. Damascus, December 7 – An eye doctor accused of involvement the demise of hundreds of thousands of people over the last six years has categorically denied any such accusation, local media …
Mideast Countries Regret Not Leaving Some Jews For Their Kids to Expel “It’s not the same, persecuting Copts,” observed Aiwil Qillemal, 80. Baghdad, November 30 – Community elders throughout the Muslim Middle East voiced wistfulness today at the realization that present and future generations in their countries will never know the pleasure of kicking Jews out, since almost none remain anymore. Once-thriving Jewish communities across the region …
ISIS Progressive Credentials In Doubt Amid Silence On Castro Death Longtime alliances among governments promoting progressive values such as Iran, Libya, Venezuela, and Russia had led the progressive community to expect that at least some expression of solidarity might be forthcoming. Raqqa, November 28 – Liberal thinkers and politicians voiced unease this week over the fact that several days after the death of Cuban leader …
BDS Fumes At Padan-Aram Clans For Not Shunning Abraham’s Servant “Don’t give them your daughter’s hand – Abraham is on our land!” they chanted. Haran, Syrian Mesopotamia, November 24 – Activists and organizations pushing for a boycott of Jewish interests in the Holy Land voiced outrage today at the tribal elders and families of the Padan-Aram region of the Middle East after the clans happily …
Journalist Not Arrested By Erdogan Wonders If Gov’t Thinks He’s Already Dead “I think it’s because of someone else’s obituary,” he surmised. Ankara, November 20 – One of the few remaining reporters or commentators in Turkey who has not been silenced or imprisoned by the authorities in the last several months has begun to believe that the only reason he has been left alone is that the …
Saudi Royal Family Orders 45,000 SodaStream Units The agreement includes an option for the purchase of a further 20,000 units over two years. Riyadh, November 15 – King Salman of Saudi Arabia has inked a deal with an Israeli beverage manufacturer for the kingdom to purchase tens of thousands of carbonated-drink machines to be distributed among the extensive Ibn Saud clan that …
Mideast States Puzzled By Peaceful Transition Of US Presidency “There’s supposed to be a bloody removal of a brutal, corrupt dictator, followed by a period of uncertainty until a new strongman asserts himself and takes control.” Cairo, November 10 – Egyptian officials publicly welcomed the election of Donald Trump to the presidency yesterday, while subsequently expressing private astonishment that the change of leadership did …
Egypt Devalues Pound, Palestinian Lives Perversely, note economists, international pressure to increase the value of Palestinian lives has been directly exclusively at Israel. Cairo, November 6 – In keeping with the demands of the International Monetary Fund to stabilize and reform the country’s economy, the Egyptian government today devalued its currency and, while it was at it, also reduced the …
Bloodshed Fans Hoping Syrian Civil War Goes Full Seven Games “I do feel gratified that this series gave us fans a real show, instead of the blowouts we saw during the Arab Spring Training.” Aleppo, November 2 – Followers of the ongoing conflict between the regime of Syrian President Basher Assad and rebels fighting to retain control of areas they took in the last five years are …
Kurds Mulling Rebranding As ‘Palestine’ To Gain International Recognition A recent Pew poll found that 67% of Kurds agreed with the statement that “being whiny and nagging about Jews will get you recognition faster than historical, moral, or ethnic reasons.” The Kurdistan Regional Government, along with the main Kurdish political factions in Syria, Turkey, and Iran are mulling a rebranding attempt in order to …
Study Links Climate Change With Lack Of Israel-Arab Resolution “It’s almost as if this conflict really does lie at the core of every major problem facing civilization.” Gothenburg, October 19 – A team of scientists at the University of Gothenburg have found what they claim constitutes a firm causative connection between the ongoing Israeli-Arab conflict and the documented rise in global temperatures over the …
UNESCO Infuriates Palestinians By Calling Genocidal Ambitions ‘Syrian’ “We basically invented airplane hijacking as a political tool, but to hear UNESCO tell it, that was just a bunch of Syrians.” Paris, October 13 – On the heels of celebrating a decision by the United Nations Educational, Social, and Cultural Council (UNESCO) that ignored the ancient Jewish pedigree of the Temple Mount and its …
Obama To Just Install ATM To US Treasury In Tehran A steady supply of currency for the ATMs was made possible late last week when the Obama administration allowed Iran access to the US dollar. Washington, October 9 – Following months of awkwardness over the propriety and necessity of shipping pallets of cash to Iran as a hostage ransom, the Obama administration intends to forestall further …