Showing 481–540 of 630 articles · Page 9 of 11
Gaza Chef Wonders If Beef Fillet Was This Tough In Auschwitz “I might just close the restaurant for the day and take my family to an amusement park – but I bet they had better ones at Sobibor.” Gaza City, December 30 – The culinary chief and manager of Masri, a gourmet restaurant in this Mediterranean city, laments the limited availability of quality beef cuts there …
Arab Gulf States Would Take Refugees, But Gee, Mom Staying There Now “Well, of all the rotten luck,” empathized Minister of Internal Affairs Ayyam Adik. Riyadh, December 27 – Sources in the oil-rich nations of the Persian Gulf report that those countries would be more than happy to welcome a sizable number of refugees from Syria, Iraq, and other conflict zones in the Muslim world, but, wouldn’t …
Israel Letting Dihydrogen Monoxide Flow Into Palestinian Towns “Dihydrogen monoxide is the cause of deaths for countless people by drowning, electrocution, bodily trauma, and infection, among others,” declared a recent report by Human Rights Watch. Iata, near Hebron, December 21 – Every winter, Sami Abu Jizz knows he must withstand a new onslaught of a chemical that Israel lets flow into his village in tremendous quantities, …
Sarlacc Discovered In Arabian Desert An article in the journal Large Unusual Creatures in Asia-Southwest (LUCAS), due out next week, describes the process by which the researchers found and identified the Sarlacc. Jedda, December 16 – Zoologists have uncovered the first known specimen on Earth of a legendary galactic creature that embeds itself in the ground and waits for prey …
Terror-Hit Egypt Hopes Tourists Will Just Send Money “Not having to lay out money for the food, drink, and cleanup that tourists are paying for could give a serious boost to the entire sector.” Sharm al-Sheikh, December 10 – Since a bomb destroyed a Russian passenger jet over the Sinai Peninsula at the end of October, foreign travel to Egypt has all but dried up, …
To Get Obama’s Attention, ISIS Renames Self ‘Global Warming’ Baghdadi conceded that it was possible Obama himself would shrink from the confrontation, as he has so far failed to stand up to Putin, Khamenei, and Assad. Raqqa, December 6 – After years of attempting to directly engage with what it calls the Great Satan in a fateful, apocalyptic showdown, the Islamic State intends to …
Syrian Civilian Deaths Surprise Russia: Thought None Were Left A spokesman cited recently released American statistics purporting to show that US strikes had killed 20,000 ISIS fighters and not a single civilian. Moscow, November 30 – A spokesman for the Russian Air Force (VVS) expressed surprise today when informed that VVS strikes had killed dozens of Syrian civilians, as he had been under the impression that …
Tensions Between Ankara, D.C. Over Notion That Turkey Needs Pardon Analysts offered multiple opinions as to the offense that Erdogan believes Washington has implied. Ankara, Turkey, November 25 – Government officials expressed outrage today at the annual American ritual of a presidential pardon issued every Thanksgiving to Turkey, saying that any such practice wrongly implies that the Mediterranean nation has done something that would necessitate …
UNRWA, Hamas Hoping For Harsh Winter To Highlight Palestinian Misery “We’re counting on some good flooding, hypothermia, homelessness, and possibly even a cholera outbreak or something.” Gaza City, November 18 – United Nations and Hamas officials confirmed today that both organizations want this coming winter to be especially cold and wet, so that the consequent suffering of the Palestinians in the Gaza Strip is intense …
Warning To ISIS Their Attacks May Spark Islamophobia Oddly Ineffective Pundits across the region have noted that not just ISIS, but militant Islamic groups in general, appear not to heed warnings that their activities put the lives and welfare of Muslims at risk. Raqqa, formerly in Syria, November 16 – Leaders who say they warned the Islamic State that attacks on Western targets might cause …
Russian Airstrikes In Syria Claim First Non-Civilian Casualty It gave them an enemy combatant fatality ratio almost twice as good as that of Syrian loyalist forces and allied militias such as Hezbollah. Beirut, November 12 – For the first time since Moscow openly acknowledged providing air support for Syrian President Basher al-Assad’s forces last month, Russian fighter-bombers have succeeded in killing their first non-non-combatant. …
UNRWA Maintains Neutrality On How To Destroy Israel No specific avenue for causing the demise of the State of Israel and killing its Jewish inhabitants is shown favor or disfavor. Jerusalem, November 4 – In keeping with the organization’s mandated policy of not taking sides in political disputes, a spokesman for the United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees (UNRWA) clarified today …
Turks Confused By Media Reporting Jewish Control Of Media “We don’t know what to think. It’s infuriating.” Ankara, November 3 – Consumers of Turkish news media expressed bewilderment today at allegations reported in the media that Jews control the news media, local sources reported today. Across the Muslim world, conspiracy theories involving Jewish manipulation of finance, media, and governments have always found a willing audience, …
Palestinian Newsmen Accused Of Witchcraft For Conjuring ‘Witnesses’ Editors and other supervisors of the accused persons might also face disciplinary action, but the nature of that action is left to the discretion of the judiciary. Ramallah, October 29 – The official Palestinian news agency Ma’an found itself on the receiving end of sorcery accusations today, following several weeks of instances in which the …
In Quirk, None Of Amnesty Witnesses To Violence Are Jewish Amnesty’s eyewitnesses also, by coincidence, uniformly question the other evidence regarding the episodes, notably the use of knives or other sharp implements to attack Jews. Jerusalem, October 28 – In what scientists are calling a miracle of statistics, none of the eyewitness reports cited by Amnesty International in its recent report on the recent Palestinian-Israeli …
Palestine Agriculture Ministry Growing Bigger Fig Leaves To Justify Terror “We’ve worked the ‘Al Aqsa is in danger’ trope past death, so we’re looking to develop more robust fig leaves to provide a semblance of a pretext for trying to kill as many Jews as possible.” Iata, near Hebron, October 23 – Horticultural breeders are hard at work in this hillside village, trying to produce a …
Abbas Shocked His Peaceful Efforts Not Rewarded With Nobel Abbas has reportedly spent the weeks since the award announcement alternately brooding and lashing out at staff. Ramallah, October 19 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas is still sore that the Nobel Peace Prize Committee spurned him as a recipient of the award, sources in the Palestinian Authority reported today. Despite years of educating his people …
Israelis, Palestinians, Can’t Believe Kerry At It Again ‘Can’t this guy take a hint?’ Washington, Ocotber 14 – With US Secretary of State John Kerry announcing yet another trip to the Mideast, trying once again to restart a moribund Israeli-Palestinian peace process, officials on both sides could not suppress their disbelief at the secretary’s apparent cluelessness over the intractability of the generations-old conflict. Kerry …
Cruel IDF Siege Keeps Gazans From Celebrating Israeli Deaths With Candy “Limiting the celebratory sweets smacks of vindictiveness, and only further feeds the cycle of violence.” Gaza City, October 13 – Residents of this coastal territory are fuming over the Israeli blockade, saying it restricts their access to the sweets and ingredients necessary to properly celebrate the rising Israeli death toll in the current wave of …
Now That Jews Have Also Attacked Arabs, BBC To Report Violence “The sophisticated BBC reader or viewer cannot be trusted to come to the correct conclusion without that context.” Jerusalem, October 9 – Editors at the British Broadcasting Corporation’s Jerusalem Bureau have given correspondents the green light to report on the spasms of deadly Arab violence hitting Israel over the last two weeks, now that there is …
UNRWA Schools To Add Math, Sciences To Core Antisemitism Curriculum Gunness pointed to several online collections of the extracurricular hate and violence-promotion in which UNRWA teachers excel, helpfully compiled by bloggers and UN watchdog groups. Amman, Jordan, September 30 – The United Nations Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees will upgrade its teacher training to facilitate an enhanced curriculum that, in addition to its …
Suspiciously, No Jews Killed In Mecca Stampede “It strikes us as curious, to say the least, that not a single Jewish death was recorded in the country not only on the day of the stampede, but for decades.” Mina, Saudi Arabia, September 29 – Investigators into last week’s fatal stampede near Mecca are looking into reports that not a single Jew was …
Egypt To Create Buffer Zone Between Its UN Delegation And Ecuador’s New York, September 2 – Banking on the success of an initiative in the Rafah area to shield Egypt from the unpleasantness emanating from neighboring Gaza, the country’s delegation to the United Nations plans to create a similar zone between its representatives and those of Ecuador, which occupies the position adjacent to Egypt in the General …
Putin Promises Only Indirect Support For Assad Atrocities The Russian leader assured the international community that if such episodes occur, his soldiers would only stand on the sidelines and cheer. Moscow, September 16 – Russian President Vladimir Putin sought to assuage international concern over his country’s growing military involvement in Syria, saying that his troops would try to provide only indirect support for …
Arab Gulf States To Accept Refugees From US Academia “Here they can live free lives, and no one will threaten to expose them to non-Edward-Saidian thought.” Doha, Qatar, September 9 – Amid growing attention to oil-rich countries around the Persian Gulf not absorbing any of the millions of people fleeing violent conflict in the Muslim world, several of those countries announced today that they would …
Palestinian Boy Stubs Toe Family members rushed to help, slightly injuring eight cameramen who had been transferred from covering the Syrian conflict. Yatta, near Hebron, September 7 – A Palestinian boy on his way to school this morning accidentally hurt his toe on a protruding piece of rock in the road, drawing renewed attention to the plight of Palestinian …
Abbas: I’ll Step Aside To Let Someone Else Pocket Aid Money Abbas desires to let other ambitious, well-connected Palestinians line their pockets with funds intended for development of the Palestinian economy, governance, rule of law, and transparency. Ramallah, September 2 – Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas told officials two days ago that he intends to quit politics entirely sometime soon in order to allow someone else to …
UNRWA Faces Pig Lipstick Shortage In Nazi Sympathizer Coverups “This whole fiasco, which I have asked the media to ignore, is why I called this press conference.” Jerusalem, August 28 – A spokesman for the United Nations agency that cares for Palestinian refugees issued an urgent call for international assistance Friday, saying that the organization is running short of materials with which to conceal or make …
Abbas Asks Arab States For More Funding Toward Villas “Without multiple impressive homes, what is the point of a leadership position?” Ramallah, August 26 – As unemployment soars and Gaza reconstruction has yet to get in gear, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas made another impassioned plea to Arab nations today to make good on their promises of cash so he and his loyalists may continue …
Carter To Seek Cancer Treatment In Gaza: ‘No Jewish MDs There’ “Mr. Carter’s good friend is a Norwegian physician who has spent quite a bit of time in Gaza, and assured him that the place is teeming with radioactive fragments from Israel’s profligate use of depleted uranium artillery.” Plains, Georgia, August 19 – Former US President Jimmy Carter announced last week that he has been diagnosed …
UN GoFundMe Syria Death Toll Campaign Almost At 300K Goal “We’re almost at the point where the Council will have enough motivation to take some action, and that’s quite accomplishment.” Geneva, August 16 – The United Nations Human Rights Council is not ignoring the bloody Syrian conflict, says a representative, even though that impression could be gleaned from the body’s apparent near-exclusive focus on other …
When Syria’s Jews All Gone, Persecution Of Them To End There will be no Jewish residents of either country barred from holding public office, serving in the army, or wielding authority over non-Jews. Damascus, August 12 – Syria is poised to become a country in which no persecution of Jews takes place, say analysts, once the small number of elderly remaining Jews there disappears. As the …
Tinder App For Muslim Countries Lets Only Men Swipe Left A second important adaptation for Muslim countries involves the elimination of profile photos that display any more than a woman’s eyes. New York, August 4 – A new version of the matchmaking app Tinder for Muslim countries has adapted the software to meet local cultural expectations, reserving the ability to reject a suggested suitor exclusively …
Riyadh Ballet Stymied By Burkha Requirement Ballet officials are considering indefinite postponement, unless the lack of seasoned, willing talent can be addressed soon. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, July 29 – Attempts to promote Saudi Arabia and its capital as a forward-looking, culture-rich destination have hit a snag as a flagship project, the Royal Saud Ballet Company, remains unable to recruit top-flight dancers …
Iran Insists Inspectors Get No Access To Ayatollah’s Porn Collection “The Tera Patrick, Stoya, and Jayden Jaymes video collections, especially, will never be made available to outside eyes.” Tehran, July 28 – Officials in Iran’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs sought to quell reports today that international inspectors would be able to see some of the country’s sensitive material under the recent agreement, and asserted unequivocally …
Millions Of Radical Islamists Still Unaware They Are Not Following Islam “It has taken liberal academics centuries to realize that the only authentic expression of any value system is one that dovetails with liberal academics’ axioms.” Raqqa, Islamic State (formerly Syria), July 22 – As the Islamic State establishes itself in parts of what used to be Iraq and Syria, and as tens of thousands of …
Amid Yemen Strife, UNHRC To Hold Urgent Cocktail Party “Even if it takes associating with some of the most notorious names in entertainment, we know we just have to do our jobs.” Geneva, July 15 – More than 1600 civilians have been killed in the ongoing Saudi-led offensive against Houthi rebels in Yemen, prompting the United Nations Human Rights Council to call for an …
Vienna Brothels Demand Another Iran Talks Extension They expressed regret that the US team had only brought a small contingent of Secret Service personnel. Vienna, July 8 – A spokesman for the Austrian capital’s prostitution industry today petitioned the parties involved in negotiations over Iran’s nuclear program to keep the talks going past the latest deadline. After a framework agreement was signed …
Black Hole Suspected As Construction Materials Enter Gaza, Disappear The black hole only attracts new construction materials, as the piles of rubble remaining from last summer’s carnage remain untouched. Kerem Shalom Crossing, July 5 – Thousands of tons of cement, ceramics, and assorted other construction materials for rebuilding the Gaza Strip have entered the territory from Israel since last summer’s war, but almost none of …
Saudis Say Mossad Broke Into Cave Of Wonders, Stole Lamp Unconfirmed reports in Saudi media claimed eyewitnesses had seen a group of people flying a magic carpet away from the scene, but that could not be corroborated. Riyadh, June 29 – Saudi officials accused Israel today of stealing the contents of the magically concealed Cave of Wonders, where the legendary Lamp of the Genie is …
Islamic State Fighters Fear Shortage Of Virgins To Rape They are left with no one to repeatedly gang-rape but girls who have already been terrorized and beaten extensively, and the challenge is gone. Raqqa, June 24 – Newly arrived Islamic State trainees from other countries are worried that the region is running out of virgin girls upon whom to perpetrate brutal rapes, recruits say. The onslaught of Islamic …
Russia: We Won’t Get In Way If World Decides Not To Strike Syria “History is rife with nations standing idly by while other nations stand idly by.” Moscow, June 10 – Russian Foreign Minster Sergei Lavrov told reporters at a press conference this evening that if the Western powers decide to maintain their inaction on Syria, Russia would not impede the move. A longtime supporter of embattled Syrian leader Basher Assad, …
Arab League Instructs Palestinians To Put Lotion In Basket “It rubs the lotion in its skin or it gets the hose again,” the League said. Cairo, June 3 – The League of Arab States admonished the Palestinian nation to apply the lotion to its skin and return the lotion bottle to the basket, or else suffer the hose again, League officials reported Wednesday. The Arab League …
Rajoub Lobbies Ministry Of Magic To Expel Israel From Quidditch Games Through connections with his friend Lucius Malfoy, Rajoub has the ear of several important Ministry of Magic figures. Ramallah, May 28 – Fresh from efforts to have FIFA members vote to exclude Israel from international football competition, Palestinian Minister of Sport has continued to use his office to create pressure on Israel in the sports …
PA: Israeli Antibiotics Erasing Direct Palestinian Descent From Local Bacteria “Israel is using Teva-manufactured pharmaceuticals to destroy the organisms carrying the DNA which proves Palestinian ancestry to the exclusion of the spurious Jewish claim,” asserted Erekat. Ramallah, May 20 – Palestinian officials accused Israel today of using antibiotics to kill locally occurring bacteria whose genetic sequence proves that Palestinians are directly descended from the most …
Fatah, Hamas, Agree To Paper Over Differences With Better Paper Among the factors complicating this treatment of the Fatah-Hamas rift was an intense quarrel between the parties over what kind of paper to use and how it should be procured. Gaza City, May 14 – The ailing Palestinian unity government between Fatah and Hamas received another chance to function today, as leaders of the two factions achieved consensus …
Activists Jailed In Iran Touched By Khamenei’s Concern For US Blacks “It’s not every day that a nation gets to see the empathetic side of its political leadership,” said Professor Yuhav Somgall, who studies the Islamic Republic. Isfahan, May 9 – Imprisoned Iranians being held for trying to defend human and civil rights in their country are moved by the Supreme Leader’s sudden interest in the …
ISIS Struggling To Harvest Organs For Israel Fast Enough Now more than 90% of organs harvested for the international black market begin their journey from beheaded Syrian or Iraqi donors. Tripoli, Libya, May 2 – Executioners for the Islamic State complain that they are having a hard time meeting the monthly quota of organs to remove from victims for shipment to Israel, even with …
Abbas Wins Physics Nobel; Proved 4 Year Term = 11 Years “All of Palestine is proud of our president for demonstrating a similar commitment to the rigor and principles of the respective fields in which our successive leaders have now been recognized.” Stockholm, April 22 – The Royal Swedish Academy announced today that it would bestow the Nobel Prize in Physics on Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, …
Turkish Flotilla To Yarmuk Camp Stymied By Nonexistence “In practice, it’s insanely difficult to organize an endeavor this ambitious without there actually being anyone here who genuinely cares about the Palestinians except as a pretext to attack Israel.” Istanbul, April 15 – Organizers of a flotilla to bring supplies and humanitarian relief to the suffering Palestinians of the Yarmuk Refugee Camp in Syria …
International Trade: Turkey Now A Net Exporter Of Antisemitism Turkey has been able to press its advantage in cheap manufacturing, with government-subsidized programs providing producers of Jew-hatred with incentives to augment output. Istanbul, April 6 – Government figures for January-March 2015 show that Turkey’s balance of trade turned positive in the first quarter for the first time in decades, largely thanks to a surge …
Honest Anti-Zionist Also Questions Own Right To Exist His very arrival in this world was fraught with violations of other people’s space, dignity, and possessions, and his continued existence has only made the situation even more complicated. Beirut, March 29 – Unlike most of his peers, Hassan Dirani does not limit his accusations of illegitimacy to the Zionist Entity to the south; he …
Gaza Wins Bid To Host 2032 Olympics “When we realized the international sporting community didn’t care about Dubai’s use of slave labor to prepare for the World Cup, we knew we had a chance.” Gaza City, March 18 – The International Olympic Committee announced today (Wednesday) that the winning proposal to host the 2032 Summer Olympic Games was submitted by the Hamas …
Hamas To Host TED Talk On Innovations In Suicide Bombing Organizers have declined to say whether legendary Qassam Brigades leader Muhammad Deif will give a TED Talk. Gaza City, March 14 – One of the world’s leading practitioners in the art of strapping on explosives and detonating them in a crowd of civilians has teamed up with one of the most prominent organizations involved in spreading …
Privation Driving Gazans To Penile Enlargement Pensions to the families of Palestinians killed while trying to kill Israelis are only being paid at 100%. Rafah Crossing, Gaza Strip, March 8 – Life in this Palestinian coastal enclave has become so challenging under enforced Israeli and Egyptian border closures that the residents are displaying classic signs of suffering under siege: skyrocketing demand for …
Palestinians To Boycott Israeli Currency, Use Barter Economy After June, only banks will be allowed to hold Israeli currency, which they will be forced to surrender in exchange for underage brides by the first of August. Ramallah, March 2 – Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas announced today that his government would soon expand its economic boycott of Israeli products and services to include …
Morally Consistent BDS To Target Saudi Arabia Any Day Now “It’s possible they know something we don’t,” admitted Middle East scholar N. T. Semitt. Riyadh, February 22 – Despite vehement and vocal demonstrations of concern for human rights on college campuses across the United States in the form of student government votes in favor of divesting from oppressive regimes such as Israel, for some unexplained …
UAE Sends Troops To Help Jordan Fight Free Speech “Oppression must be homegrown, like oil.” Amman, February 17 – After a lull in military moves by the United Arab Emirates, Jordanian and Emirati officials confirmed today that the two countries would run joint operations to roll back some of the recent gains by free-expression advocates. Emirati air force pilots began running sorties from Jordan …
Photos Capture Shape-Shifting Jews In Action, Framing Muslims Absent specific evidence, the theories regarding how the Jews pulled it off have been as diverse as thought in the Islamist world is not. Cairo, February 10 – A series of rare images of Jews in the process of transforming into or back from Muslim-looking people through various forms of black magic has emerged, adding important …
ISIS Leader Caught Without Underage Bride Choudry expressed concern that such behavior on the part of Baghdadi might tarnish the name of Islam. Somewhere near the Iraq/Syria border, February 3 – The head of the Islamic State found himself embroiled in a scandal today when visiting dignitaries from an allied militia found him with no underage girls forced into marriage with …