Showing 541–600 of 630 articles · Page 10 of 11
Egypt Bans Dying During Protests The announcement elicited objections from the Association of Funeral Directors, who accused the government of harming their livelihood. Cairo, January 28 – Renewed civil unrest over the last week has prompted an Egyptian government concerned about its image to outlaw dying as a result of being shot or beaten by police. Uploaded footage of a …
Amid Oil Price Drop, Hezbollah To Hold Bake Sale The event will take place in the schoolyard of the Imad Mughniyah Primary School in the Dahiyeh neighborhood, between the hours of 4 and 6 pm. Beirut, January 27 – A nearly 50-percent plunge in the price of crude oil over the course of three months now threatens the liberality with which Iran has showered …
Beheading Trending in Gaza Hamas declares war on any ideology differing slightly from Islam; beheading established as Palestinian national sport. Gaza City, January 21 – The Islamist movement that runs the Gaza Strip has unveiled a new initiative to rid the territory of Christians, pacifists, liberals, feminists, homosexuals, atheists, and Justin Bieber fans, using the time-honored Muslim method, beheading. Hamas spokesman Sami Abu …
New Palestinian Dating Site For ‘Lone Wolves’ Jenin, January 14 – A group of Arab entrepreneurs believes the time is ripe to tap the market potential of what appears to be a growing population of ‘lone’ Palestinians who attack Jews and Israelis, under the assumption that such lonely people would make ideal customers for a new matchmaking site. These lone wolves, as the …
Palestinian Researchers Disprove Cause And Effect, Chronology The June attacks are proven as a fitting response to Israeli airstrikes in July and August. Ramallah, January 8 – Scientists at Bir Zeit University announced this afternoon that they had refuted Newtonian notions such as cause-and-effect and the flow of time, freeing their fellow Palestinians of the need to justify their behavior or demands …
Woodrow Wilson Urges Palestinians To Join League Of Nations Washgington, DC, January 1 – The visionary behind the global peacemaking organization the League of Nations is urging Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas to join the League in the aftermath of a failed bid to have the United Nations Security Council endorse a full Palestinian State. Woodrow Wilson, who saw the US through the First World …
Israelites Sue GPS Provider For Faulty Wilderness Directions Kadesh Barnea, Sinai Wilderness, December 25 – The twelve tribes of Israel have filed a lawsuit in district court over what they claim is negligent behavior on the part of their Global Positioning System provider, accusing the company of causing them to wander aimlessly in the desert for decades. Israelite Nation v. Moreh Derech, Ltd. …
UNRWA Expands Refugee Status To Pets, Furniture Jerusalem, December 19 – The United Nations agency tasked with caring for the descendants of Arab refugees from the 1948 war over Israel’s creation has broadened its unique definition of “refugee” to include the animals and other possessions of the existing refugee population. While the other refugee agency of the UN, which handles every other …
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BDS Monitoring Temperature Of Hell For Word On When To Boycott Syria Damascus, December 13 – Activists in the Boycott, Divest, and Sanctions movement targeting Israel for its alleged human rights violations against Palestinians have set up a station to watch the average kinetic energy of Hell in case it approached freezing, so they may receive advance warning in case they are called upon to oppose the policies …
Lebanon Officially Renamed Refugistan Beirut, December 7 – The latest influx of people fleeing the ongoing civil war in Syria has tipped the balance of Lebanon’s population, rendering Lebanese citizens a minority in their country and prompting the government to formally rename the country to reflect its new status as composed primarily of those who have fled other places. …
Mubarak Case Collapses, Killing 1 Cairo, November 30 – The magistrate overseeing former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak’s trial on murder and corruption charges decided to drop the case yesterday, causing the case to collapse, kill at least one person, and injure an unknown number. Mubarak, now 86, was deposed as part of the Arab Spring uprisings of 2011, and has remained …
Hamas To End Candy Celebration Of Dead Jews, Citing Diabetes Gaza City, November 24 – The Palestinian government today ordered Palestinians to cease distributing sweets when terrorists kill Jews, saying that the practice puts Gaza’s population at greater risk for developing diabetes. The Ministry of Health released new guidelines today following the murders last week of four Jews in a Jerusalem synagogue, in reaction to which thousands …
Coveted Refugee Status Bequeathed To Children Yarmouk Refugee Camp, Syria, November 16 – A resident of this embattled neighborhood of Damascus died at the hands of an insurgent sniper this morning, leaving his four children the envy of millions of other refugees worldwide. Whereas the refugees from other conflicts are absorbed by various countries as citizens, the refugees from the various …
Palestinians Blast Appearance Of Israel In Google Search Results Ramallah, November 11 – Palestinian Negotiator Saeb Erekat lambasted Google today, criticizing the internet giant for promoting “normalization” with Israel by allowing the country’s name to appear in search results. Erekat held a press conference at the Muqata, where he had met with President Mahmoud Abbas. He used the conference as venue for criticizing Google, …
Amnesty International To Merge With Hamas “It’s a natural synergy of goals and talents,” said an AI spokesman. Gaza City, November 5 – One of the world’s most prominent organizations working to raise awareness of human rights violations and political repression will officially join forces with the Hamas movement, Amnesty International announced this morning. The two organizations have collaborated for years …
Holocaust Denier Denies Not Denying Holocaust Tehran, October 23 – A senior Iranian official today denied reports that he had failed to deny the Holocaust, attempting to fend off criticism from political rivals intent on denying him support. Maher Shalalhashbaz, a regional governor, told reporters he had not said the Holocaust had not happened, and contradicted reports that he had contradicted …
Iran On Texas Execution Rate: ‘Bloody Amateurs’ “Wannabe Texas can’t even manage one per week. That would be comical if it weren’t so downright lame.” Tehran, October 16 – Officials in Iran expressed disdain for the supposed cruelty of Texas’s criminal justice system today, calling the Lone Star State’s number of executions “pitiful.” President Hassan Rouhani initially voiced bewilderment at the level …
US Incentives Prompt ISIS To Join Coalition Against ISIS Baghdad, October 11 – The political and economic benefits promised to potential members of the coalition to combat the Islamic State has led the organization itself to join, diplomats in the Middle East reported Saturday. US Secretary of State John Kerry and Vice President Joe Biden have spent weeks in direct and indirect talks with …
Report: This Beheading Thing Getting Old London, October 4 – The latest instance of the Islamic State’s use of beheading to intimidate the West serves as evidence that the technique no longer carries the novelty it once did, news outlets reported this weekend, and in fact the world is getting irritated by it. A British aid worker became the fourth man …
After Bridging NY-Boston Rivalry, Jeter To Mediate Mideast Conflict Boston, September 29 – Following an outpouring of appreciation once deemed impossible from fans of a hated rival, the outgoing shortstop of the New York Yankees has been appointed Special Envoy to the Middle East. He will use his powers to bring bitter opponents together in pursuit of a greater value. Derek Jeter took the …
Sponsor Of Terrorism Welcomes Efforts To Fight Terrorism Damascus, Syria, September 23 – The leader of a state deeply enmeshed in the support and arming of groups violently targeting civilian populations as a means of achieving political aims told visiting dignitaries today that he backs US-led efforts to combat groups violently targeting civilian populations as a means of achieving political aims. President Basher …
Human Rights Council Votes To Exclude Beheading From Mandate Geneva, September 17 – The United Nations body tasked with monitoring and addressing human rights violations around the world voted today to remove beheading and other brutal forms of murder from its purview, saying that the member nations did not consider those acts in and of themselves worthy of attention. Human Rights Council Resolution 4411, …
Palestinian Authority Unveils Memorial To 9/11 Hijackers Ramallah, September 11 – Thirteen years after nearly 3,000 people were killed in Islamic terrorist attacks on US soil, a Palestinian monument has finally been set up to commemorate the event and to honor those who died piloting the aircraft involved. A forty-foot statue of a Boeing 767-200ER crashing into a skyscraper was unveiled this …
Jordanian Official Denies Breathing Oxygen Produced By Israeli Trees Amman, Jordan, September 10 – A Jordanian government minister has found himself under fire for allegedly breathing oxygen made by trees in Israel, a charge the official denies. News reports yesterday mentioned Minister of Agriculture Ayyam Aprik in connection with the inhalation of Israel-produced gases necessary for cellular respiration and other metabolic processes, an accusation …
Fox Acquires Rights To New ISIS Reality Show ‘Convert Or Die’ Mosul, Iraq, September 4 – The Fox network sent ripples through the entertainment industry today with the news that it inked a deal with the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria to produce a reality series focusing on a group of Westerners taken captive by the terrorist organization, all of whom are under threat to …
Man Unsure Whether Israel Like Hitler Or Hitler Was Right Alexandria, Egypt, August 31 – Mohammad El-Bir is your typical blue-collar Egyptian: struggling economically, hoping for political stability, and certain that Israel is the chief cause of the world’s problems. Pictures of the recent carnage in the Gaza Strip, however, have confronted El-Bir with a dilemma: if, as Hamas leaders claim, Israel’s actions there are …
Parrots In Awe At NY Times Ability To Repeat Anti-Israel Propaganda Bronx Zoo, New York, August 25 – Sophie, a hyacinth macaw in the Bronx Zoo Aviary, expressed wonderment today at the uncanny ability of The New York Times and other media enterprises to echo the anti-Israel claims of Palestinians uncritically. The macaw, who has inhabited the aviary since being bred in captivity 10 years ago, …
Hamas Excited At Chance To Oust Fatah From Gaza Again Gaza City, August 19 – With the emerging ceasefire agreement between Israel and Palestinian factions apparently calling for Fatah to assume control of border crossings and other vital interests instead of Hamas, the leader of the latter movement are voicing anticipation of a repeat of 2007, when they defeated Fatah in a brief civil war …
With Gaza Fighting Over, World Refocuses On Ignoring Syria Conflict Damascus, Syria, August 14 – Now that a cease-fire has taken effect between Israel and the Hamas-run Gaza Strip, international attention is returning to anything but the ongoing civil war in Syria. The war, which has claimed more than 150,000 lives, has reached a strategic stalemate; loyalist air power continues to pound rebel positions and …
Schabas Commission Forced To Turn Away 400 Kangaroos Geneva, August 12 – The newly announced chairman of the UN Human Rights Council’s investigative commission into possible war crimes in the recent conflict in Gaza has informed reporters that, unfortunately, the commission’s limited allotment of available slots for members means that many aspiring marsupial participants in the kangaroo court have been turned away. “We …
Gaza: Shortage Of Red Sprinkles For Sweets Celebrating Abduction Of Jews Khan Yunis, Gaza Strip, August 6 – Among the many troubles plaguing this battered coastal Palestinian enclave, local confectioners are lamenting a lack of the right color sprinkles with which to decorate the sweets they will distribute when an Israeli is kidnapped. It has long been customary among Palestinians, and among Gazans in particular, to …
UNRWA To Revamp Procedures For Posing Corpses In Its Facilities Rafah, August 9 – After activists created a mess at a UN-run school by dragging corpses onto the grounds of the facility to make it look like the IDF had targeted the school itself, the agency that runs the school intends to issue new rules for how Palestinians may use its buildings to libel Israel. …
Israel Threatens Hamas With Justin Bieber Shows Jerusalem, July 29 – After three weeks of intense fighting and no clear end in sight, Israel unveiled a new weapon in its conflict with Hamas today, announcing that if the Islamist organization that rules the Gaza Strip does not agree to disarm, the Ministry for Cultural Affairs will bring in teen pop sensation Justin …
Venezuela Geological Survey Finds No Evidence of Hamas War Crimes Caracas, Venezuela, July 23 – A government-sponsored geological study of Venezuela has turned up no evidence of war crimes by the militant Hamas organization, the BBC reported today. Hamas runs the Gaza Strip and is currently engaged in hostilities with Israel. “This study proves conclusively who holds the moral high ground,” said President of Venezuela …
Iraqis, Syrians Sure Europeans To Protest On Their Behalf Any Day Now Mosul, Iraq, July 20 – The embattled residents of this northwest Iraq city are certain that any day now, protesters in European capitals will take to the streets to call for the world to step in and stop the bloodshed in war-torn Iraq, because as the demonstrations against the Gaza war indicate, human rights are …
Palestinians Upset People Paying Attention To Ukraine Now Doha, Qatar, July 18 – Unable to accept that the world cares about people other than Palestinians, officials of various Palestinian factions are accusing whoever shot down a jetliner over Ukraine yesterday of attempting to divert the world’s attention from Israel’s offensive on the Gaza Strip. Leaders of both the Fatah and Hamas movements expressed …
Hamas Militant Can’t Wait to Be Killed By Superior Firepower Gaza City, Gaza Strip – Ahmad Dahlan 22, is in many ways your typical resident of the Gaza Strip: young, unemployed, fervently Muslim and uncompromisingly anti-Israel. He also boasts an infectious enthusiasm for being shot, dismembered, burned, crushed or otherwise killed in a looming confrontation with the Israeli Army. “Ahmad reminds us what it’s all …
Hamas Objects To Cease-Fire Applying To Hamas Cairo, July 15 – Israel’s cabinet voted to accept an Egyptian-mediated cease-fire with Hamas this morning, but the Gaza-based militant organization has yet to endorse the agreement, protesting that the terms of the truce should only apply to Israel. Since Israel began Operation Protective Edge eight days ago, international mediators have rushed to broker a …
Environmental Groups Praise Hamas for Recycling Photos from Syria Rafah, Gaza Strip – Greenpeace International has issued a statement lauding the Islamist movement Hamas for using old photos of the civil war in Syria as part of its anti-Israel propaganda effort. “This is not the first time images have been recycled in public relations,” said the statement by Greenpeace International Director Kumi Naidoo. “But …
UN Adds ISIS To Human Rights Council Geneva, July 2 – The United Nations General Assembly voted today to add the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) to the UN Human Rights Council. The council is the world’s foremost international forum for the advocacy and protection of basic human rights and is made up of 47 member states, which are elected by …
Study: Palestinian High Road Lower Than Most Others’ Low Roads June 27 – Topographers at the Palestine Institute of Geography (PIG) have published a study indicating that the altitude of Palestinian societal thoroughfares locally considered morally elevated are nevertheless less elevated than the lower routes of other societies. A PIG survey looked at Palestinian behaviors regarding high and low roads since 1950, and compared the …
Ban Unsure Whether Youths Kidnapped, Pope Catholic New York, June 20 – One week after issuing an announcement calling for the return of three teenage Israeli abductees, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon is still not officially sure the three were actually kidnapped, despite boasts to that effect by the terrorist organization that perpetrated it. He also expressed reservations about Pope Francis being …
World Shocked That Arbitrary Mideast Borders Untenable Without Repressive Strongmen Mosul, Iraq, June 13 – Islamist militants stormed into the second-largest city in Iraq this week, sending the government’s troops fleeing or into hiding and surprising the West with the discovery that national borders imposed by European diplomats in 1920 in complete disregard of local sensibilities cannot be sustained without the unifying effect of a …
Suspect FIFA Referees See No Problem With Syria Election Results Damascus, Syria, June 6 – The referees tasked with officiating at various soccer matches around the world endorsed the outcome of Syria’s national elections today, in which serving President Basher Assad was reelected to a third term. The referees, widely assumed to be impartial arbiters of proceedings, have uniforms and everything, which means that everyone …
Palestinians Accuse Israel Of Stockpiling Jews Ramallah, May 31 – On the eve of an anticipated announcement that the Palestinians have officially established a unity government between the Fatah and Hamas factions, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas shifted the focus to Israel, accusing the Jewish state of amassing millions of Jews. In a move that experts expect will characterize much of …
Pope Almost Finished With Checklist Of Parties To Offend On Mideast Trip Jerusalem, May 26 – Three days into his historic journey to Israel and the Palestinian territories, aides to Pope Francis report that the pontiff is at or ahead of schedule on his mission to offend as many individuals, groups, and institutions as possible along the way. Since the start of his trip several days ago, …
Armenian Genocide Victims Ask What Palestinians Have Been Smoking Istanbul, May 21 – Armenians mass-murdered by Turks during and immediately following the First World War are expressing disgust and shock at Palestinian claims that Israel targets them for genocide, and wonder what controlled substances the Palestinians have been ingesting or otherwise putting in their systems that would account for such a distorted take on …
ADL Now Swamped By ‘Arabs Are Semitic So They Can’t Be Anti-Semitic’ Comments New York, May 15 – In the wake of a global survey measuring the prevalence of antisemitism in various countries and regions, the Anti-Defamation League faces a deluge of nitwits questioning the report’s conclusion based on an erroneous understanding of basic terminology. The study found the Arab world rife with antisemitism, with Arab countries averaging …
Egypt Sets Limits On News Items Not Involving Conspiracy Theories Egypt’s government issued new guidelines for media outlets today, capping the number of articles not invoking anti-Semitic conspiracy theories. Newspapers, websites, and other news and commentary media will all be subject to the limit. The country’s Protocol Regulation and Order of Press Activity Guideline Auditing and News Dissemination Authority (PROPAGANDA) informed Egyptian media organizations this …
After “Apartheid” Apology, Kerry Not Sure Why Everything Not All Better Now Washington, April 29 – After a recording slipped out of US Secretary of State John Kerry that Israel risked becoming an “apartheid state” if negotiations with the Palestinians failed, the secretary issued an apology for his choice of words, which he had believed would remain private, and could not understand why his remorse did not …
Syria: ‘Almost Done Using Chemical Arms, Then You Can Have Them’ Damascus, April 22 – Syria’s embattled government says it is almost ready to hand over what remains of its chemical weapons stockpile, but it just needs to perpetrate a few more atrocities with them first. Under an agreement with various other countries, Syrian President Basher Assad consented to part with its inventory of weaponized chemical …
Two-State Solution Coffin Now Made Entirely Of Nails Jerusalem, April 15 – The latest iteration of failed Israeli-Palestinian negotiations means that the metaphorical coffin of the vision of two states for two peoples has had so many nails driven into it that the quantity of wood composing it has been reduced to negligibility, according to a new assessment. Experts who have been monitoring …
With YouTube Banned, Turkish Productivity Soars Ankara, April 5 – President Erdogan of Turkey ordered access to the video-sharing site YouTube blocked last week, resulting in an unprecedented spike in worker productivity in the country. Following the uploading of conversations onto the site that embarrassed the government, the president ordered that both the microblogging service Twitter and the video-sharing site YouTube …
Shortage Of ‘Get Out Of Jail Free’ Cards Hinders Prisoner Release Jerusalem, March 30 – The maker of the Get Out Of Jail Free cards necessary to secure the freedom of dozens of Palestinian prisoners incarcerated in Israel has been unable to meet demand for the product, resulting in delays in the next expected round of prisoner release surrounding Israeli-Palestinian negotiations. Parker Brothers, which produces the …
White House Expresses “Deep Disappointment” That It Has No Balls Washington, DC, March 26 – Saudi Arabia denied a visa to a Jerusalem Post reporter who was to accompany President Barack Obama on the latter’s upcoming trip, prompting the White House to register its chagrin that it lacked the guts to confront the monarchy directly on its discriminatory policies. In a statement, the White House …
Security Council Rejects Petition on Syria War Crimes: ‘No Mention of Israeli Atrocities’ New York, March 20 – The United Nations Security Council reacted coolly to a petition calling for the body to investigate alleged war crimes by the Syrian government and insurgent rebels, saying that the request failed to provide for adequate condemnation of Israeli aggression against Palestinians. The petition, signed by 58 countries, asked the Council …
All-Powerful Zionist Conspiracy Apparently Really Bad At Covering Its Tracks Jerusalem, March 10 – The Learned Elders of Zion, who exert tight control over international banking, media, commerce, government, entertainment, and politics, are agonizing over their continued inability to conceal their activities from the conspiracy-theory-minded public. Rumors of Jewish control of markets and governments have been current in certain segments of society for more than …
Egypt Suddenly Realizes Banning Terrorists A Good Idea Rafah, Egypt, March 4 – An Egyptian court declared the Hamas organization illegal today, signaling a sudden dawning on the country’s leadership that perhaps sheltering or condoning violent militant movements on one’s soil might not be the wisest course of action. The court, whose ruling must receive government approval before it attains the force of …
Nonexistent Palestinians Rally In Favor Of Concessions For Peace Ramallah, March 4 – A gathering of all the Palestinians in favor of a compromise peace settlement with Israel took place in Ramallah today. Police put the attendance at zero. Flyers announcing the event did not go up several weeks in advance, and a Facebook page promoting the rally went up in the imagination of …