Showing 241–300 of 630 articles · Page 5 of 11
Jordan To Extradite Terrorist If US Also Takes Rest Of Palestinian Population Recent actions and statements by government officials may indicate a shift in their assessment of her benefit to them. Amman, May 18 – Hashemite Kingdom officials announced today they will consider a longtime US request to detain and hand over the perpetrator of a 2001 bombing in Jerusalem that killed 15 and wounded 130, including US …
Iran Reluctant To Leave Assad Alone In Syria With Only Russia To Abet War Crimes “Arguing in favor of finding a solution to our dilemma that does not involve forcing President Assad to put all his war crime eggs in one Cyrillic basket.” Tehran, May 7 – Officials in the regime of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei voiced hesitation this week over what appears to signal the beginning of the retrenchment of …
Iran Promises To Spend Only 100% Of Aid Money, Sanctions Relief On Weapons “Let our past behavior be your guide to how we will spend these funds.” Tehran, April 28 – Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s sanctions- and coronavirus-battered regime urged the international community today to break with the United States and reopen commercial ties, on top of a request for monetary help in combating the spread and effects of …
Iran Says US Ships Harassed By Its Vessels Dressed Provocatively “Sailing into this area wearing nothing but an American flag and expecting to be left alone is disingenuous at the very least.” Tehran – Officials of the Islamic Republic today dismissed allegations that its small craft had come dangerously close Wednesday to American warships patrolling the Straits of Hormuz, with the assertion that those US …
COVID19: Iranian Authorities Warn Public Against Conspiracy Theories That Don’t Blame Jews The widely-accepted vector of coronavirus to humans, that of a “wet market” in China where various exotic animals are sold as food, fails to account for Jewish evil. Tehran, April 2 – Public health and security officials in the Islamic Republic sought to emphasize existing guidelines today regarding the dissemination of information, cautioning citizens to give …
9K+ Infected Syrians Each Insist They The Country’s 1 Documented Coronoavirus Case “Oh, good, finally some acknowledgement for my case,” mused Maryam Farouk, 38. “Can I leave my bedroom yet?” Damascus, March 24 – Almost ten thousand COVID19-positive citizens in the Syrian Arab Republic claim to be the single patient that the Assad regime has acknowledged in the country, local sources reported Tuesday. Figures issued by the …
COVID19: Hamas Sets Rioter Limit At 100 No one provoking the Jews into shooting at the protesters may put everyone at risk by increasing the danger of infection. Near the Gaza-Israel border fence, March 16 – Leaders of the Islamist terrorist group that governs this coastal territory have begun to implement measures to limit the spread of a deadly pandemic, including a cap …
Locusts, Epidemic, Economic Collapse Not Enough Of A Hint To Iran Setbacks and humiliations have for some unfathomable reason not indicated that they have fallen out of divine favor, nor how they might restore that favor. Tehran, March 12 – Actions by the regime running this Islamic Republic indicate that the people in key leadership positions have so far failed to internalize the messages sent their way via …
Iran Mandates Face-Licking To Prove Corona Contained Every citizen must undergo at least one official face-licking by the 15th of April, eight days before the Islamic holy month of Ramadan. Tehran, March 3 – Islamic Republic authorities embarked on a new public safety and public order measure today with a policy that requires officials in each city, town, and district to assign …
Waqf Warns Against Making Tower Of Babel Taller Than Mosque “Alternatively, making the tower itself a mosque will solve the comparative height problem.” Babylon, Land of Shin’ar, February 20 – Islamic authorities cautioned today against the completion of a planned project to construct a tower that reaches the heavens, reminding officials in charge of the initiative that Sharia law prohibits any non-Islamic building from exceeding …
EU Insists Accepting Haman’s Genocide Of Jews Will Empower Persian Moderates They also seek to minimize steps that might compromise lucrative economic ties. Brussels, February 12 – European officials argued today against adopting a severe response to an impending Achaemenid program that aims to exterminate the Jews throughout the empire, contending that direct diplomatic opposition to the initiative will undermine the standing of less-extreme elements within the …
Palestinian Leadership To Reestablish Relevance By Sticking To Failed Approach “Forgoing attempts to kill Jews is like forgoing air. You can manage it for a little while, but in the end you can’t help it.” Ramallah, February 3 – Officials in the ruling Fatah faction of the Palestine Liberation Organization, which now governs Palestinians under a 1993 self-rule arrangement, vowed measures this week aimed at …
Gosh, Iran Just Can’t Remember Where It Put Black Box From Downed Airliner “You’re not going to believe this.” Tehran, January 23 – Backtracking on an earlier refusal to supply the flight data recorder from a civilian passenger jet that the regime’s air defense batteries shot down two weeks ago, the Islamic Republic announced it would indeed hand the device over to investigators, but, wouldn’t you know it, …
Iran: UN Will Ignore Crackdown – No Jews Involved “I mean, just look at Syria.” Tehran, January 14 – Leaders of the Islamic republic voiced confidence today amid a continuing deadly repression of protests against the regime, according to regime sources in the capital, predicting that international bodies of governance will refrain from anything more than token acknowledgement of the violence, because those bodies …
NY Times Calls Baghdad Embassy Assault ‘Vigil Against Antisemitism’ Sympathy for groups and ideologies that may espouse genocidal, misogynistic, homophobic, racist agendas, but at least they oppose President Donald Trump. New York, January 5 – The Paper of Record followed up its delicate terminology in referring to violent attackers as “protesters and “mourners” Thursday with a description of the Iran-backed mobs surrounding and invading the …
Santa Secretly Relieved Dwindling Christian Mideast Presence Reducing Workload The decrease allows him to devote attention to other, more Christian-populous areas such as Latin America. North Pole, December 25 – The personality responsible for distributing Yuletide gifts to children of the faith worldwide on this date confessed today he spies a bright spot in the otherwise grim contraction of that demographic in the region …
Storm God Wishes He’d Thought Of Shifting Blame For Flooding To Zionist Dams “Damn,” thought the god, smacking himself on the brow. “Pun intended.” Tyre, December 16 – An ancient deity who exercised power over rainfall and related weather phenomena smacked his divine forehead today upon realizing he could have avoided tension in his relationship with the Levantine humans of antiquity by claiming the destructive deluges affecting them occurred …
BDS Suddenly Very Circumspect On Sanctions Of Murderous Iran Regime “A few hundred, or even a few thousand, dead civilians isn’t always a big deal. Context matters when calling for BDS.” New York, December 5 – Leaders of the Boycott, Divest, Sanctions movement that targets Israel over treatment of Palestinians resorted to uncharacteristic rhetoric urging patience, skepticism, and detachment regarding ways to pressure the Tehran …
Iran Says Unarmed Protesters Just Human Shields For Other Unarmed Protesters “100% of the protesters and bystanders injured, arrested, or killed in these incidents had it coming, just as 100% of our population is heterosexual.” Shiraz, November 26 – Authorities in the Islamic Republic explained the large number of protester shooting deaths at the hands of police and paramilitary forces over the last week, noting that …
Iran Reaffirms Resolve To Fight Israel Down To Last Palestinian “We will supply you with whatever you need until there are no more left of you to supply.” Tehran, November 14 – Leaders of the Islamic Republic asserted again their commitment to combating the existence of the Jewish State until no more Palestinians remain as proxies for that combat, officials in the capital declared today. …
Iran Defends Imperialism As Bulwark Against Imperialism “The Zionists and their allies will fail in their campaign to subjugate and rule the region because we will do so first.” Tehran, November 6 – Officials in the Islamic Republic of Iran explain the country’s virtual takeover of Iraq and Lebanon, as well as its use of puppet militias and proxy forces in Syria …
Turkey Insists Made Al-Baghdadi Op Possible, No Armenian Genocide, Erdogan Not Gay Turkish sources failed to provide concrete evidence of any of the subject assertions. Ankara, October 28 – A day after an audacious American strike may have killed the leader of the notorious Islamic State terrorist group in northeastern Syria, Turkish officials clamored to create international media coverage to the effect that the country had provided the key …
Pakistan Wondering How Much Longer It Can Keep Citizen Anger Focused On Faraway Israel “An emerging challenge for the leadership in deflecting attention from its cronyism, nepotism, incompetence, corruption, support for terrorists, warped domestic priorities, and other issues best left shrouded in distraction.” Islamabad, October 3 – A proven political strategy to divert popular resentment from the corrupt, repressive government and toward an outside foe might not remain effective forever, a new …
Iran Hopes Its Continued Terrorism Empowers American Moderates “We know this strategy worked during the Obama administration.” Tehran, September 19 – Regime officials in the Islamic Republic expressed desire this week that their ongoing efforts to sow instability, political violence, ethnic cleansing, and attain regional hegemony will encourage US political figures of a less antagonistic orientation than the current administration to assert themselves …
Inspection Of IAEA Facility Finds Traces Of Competence Representatives of the agency declined to comment. Vienna, September 10 – A recent exploration of the International Atomic Energy Agency’s various offices and laboratories has turned up evidence that the organization possesses the capacity to conduct effective monitoring of Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons, a fact that critics contend the agency has attempted to conceal. …
Lebanese Baffled Why Israel So Bad At Apartheid Vs Palestinians When Lebanon Right There Showing Them How “Officially, as you know, this is for their own sake, which is why we also build high walls around their camps, we love them so much.” Beirut, August 29 – Residents of Israel’s tiny northern neighbor voiced puzzlement today regarding the Jewish state’s policy of segregation and disenfranchisement perpetrated against Palestinians, noting that despite Lebanon’s …
With Jews Sovereign And Prospering, Mideast Arabs Struggle To Find People To Look Down On The traditional paradigm cannot account for a not-under-anyone’s-boot Jew. Petra, Jordan, August 21 – Generations of Muslim Arabs throughout the region long knew that no matter how low they sank on the social, economic, or political totem pole, at least they remained higher on it than the Jews, but the developments of the last century-plus …
Iran Threatens To Use Cheat Codes In Simulation Of Conflict With US Navy “Our arsenal of such secret keystroke sequences includes unlimited firepower, impenetrable armor, and, while this might not have clear application at sea, the ability to walk through walls.” Dahran, Saudi Arabia, August 12 – Tensions between the Islamic Republic and the US today following warnings that in an upcoming a video-game-like exercise the regime in …
Arab Govt’s Cite Backwardness, Incompetence As Proof Jews Don’t Control Them “You’ll notice Jewish control always goes hand-in-hand with a more or less functioning, accountable government.” Amman, August 1 – Rulers throughout the Middle East sought this week to assuage concerns that they serve as mere puppets in a vast Jewish conspiracy to manipulate the world, pointing to the fact that unlike Western countries that display …
Britons Agree Iran Seizure Of Oil Tanker ‘Quite Rude’ “Nearly blinked when I first read of it,” recalled a man at the Piccadilly Circus tube station. London, July 23 – Citizens of the United Kingdom expressed their sentiments in unusually strong language upon learning that forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran had captured a British-flagged tanker vessel in the Straits of Hormuz Friday, calling the …
Palestinian Astronomers Challenge Heliocentric Model: ‘Universe Revolves Around Us’ The old model, argue Palestinian scientists, better reflects the truth of a Palestinian-centered solar system and universe. Ramallah, July 11 – The longstanding assumption governing human conception of the solar system and beyond must undergo revision, insists a group of West Bank and Gaza scientists who accuse the scientific mainstream of ignoring definitive evidence that …
With Iran Nuke On Way To Israel, EU Scolds Bibi For Whining Before Missile Hits “This is just plain irresponsible, but, unfortunately, rather in-character for the Israeli premier.” Jerusalem, June 3 – European leaders criticized Israel’s prime minister today for what they termed “irresponsible” and “warmongering” rhetoric after the premier spoke out against Tehran’s launch of an atomic warhead toward the Jewish State but before the weapon had detonated. EU …
Regime Bombing Ships, Shooting Down Aircraft Insists Intentions Peaceful Minister of Foreign Affairs Javad Zarif called such charges baseless, and characterized them as but the latest in ongoing American aggression and colonialism. Tehran, June 20 – A Middle East country whose military and agents maintain a long-running policy of international terrorism, mining shipping in international waters, shooting down aircraft outside its airspace, and pursuing nuclear weapons …
Latest Fad Diet Has Rich Syrians Eating ‘Food’ Wealthy Syrians now flaunt their use of food while touting its various health benefits. Damascus, June 12 – Social commentators in the Syrian Arab Republic note an emerging trend among the country’s political and economic elite, a new article states, in which those with the means mark their superior taste and resources by indulging in …
Iran Calls On People To Reject ‘Zionist’ Agricultural Advances, Calling Survival ‘Un-Islamic’ “If we truly loved our families and friends, we would spare them the everlasting shame and hellfire that awaits those who use drip irrigation.” Tehran, May 30 – The Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran demanded today that nations and organizations cease bringing in Israeli innovators to improve irrigation, water conservation, and other …
Palestinians Demand Iron Dome To Shoot Down Trump Peace Deal “Accepting a peace proposal places before the Palestinian people a challenge their leaders fear they cannot meet: building a society based on constructive ideals, not merely a desire to kill Jews and loot their property.” Gaza City, May 21 – Concerns over the contents of a much-anticipated and much-touted proposal by the American president to engender a …
500,000 CE: Last Remaining Organisms In Yarmouk Camp Still Trying To Kill One Another Humans abandoned Yarmouk eighty thousand years ago, but the remaining creatures maintain the ancient fight. Damascus, May 8 – Few living things remain on Earth, but the small number of protozoa, bacteria, and other microscopic life forms inhabiting an area best-known for a sprawling Palestinian refugee camp on the outskirts of the Syrian capital continue …
Abbas Offended At Gall Of Those Calling For Palestinian Accountability He suggested Zionists lie behind the attempt to contaminate public discourse with notions of accountability, democracy, and fiduciary propriety. Ramallah, May 1 – The Palestinian president voiced indignance today ahead of a conference on his administration’s financial situation that anyone could suggest he and his cronies answer for any of the problems facing his troubled society. …
Palestinians Develop Tiny 3D-Print Knife To Stab Israeli 3D-Printed Heart The adaptive qualities of the Palestinian resistance movement keep increasing. Ramallah, April 16 – In what scientists are calling the second major scientific breakthrough from the region in as many days, researchers at Bir Zeit University have produced a weapon with the specific characteristics to neutralize a Tel Aviv University medical development announced yesterday. TAU scientists announced …
Egyptian Professor Causes Furor With Claim Jews Not Behind Everything Calls to sack the professor came from figures in and out of the government. Cairo, April 3 – An academic at Cairo University has sparked a tumult in national media and political circles this week following a televised interview in which he made the brazen argument that not all negative phenomena have origins in Zionist …
Jordanian Inspires Family By Overcoming Organ Donation From Jew To Continue Hating Jews “His determination not to let the manifest goodness of a Jew get in the way of hating Jews makes me want to be a better Jew-hater myself.” Amman, March 27 – Relatives and friends of a local father of three expressed admiration for him this week as the man continues not to let the lifesaving …
Gaza Man Confused By Distribution Of Candy Not Related To Death Of Jews “Is that even legal?” he wondered. Khan Yunis, March 18 – A resident of this Hamas-governed coastal territory expressed puzzlement today upon encountering others giving out sweets unconnected to the murder of Jews. Hulwayat Q’util, 30, voiced his confusion Monday morning after seeing a group of schoolchildren stopping random passers-by to provide the strangers with …
Lack Of Wells Won’t Stop Plucky Palestinians From Accusing Israel Of Poisoning Wells Or the media from reporting those claims at face value. Khan al-Amar, March 7 – The absence of underground water sources in the vicinity of this makeshift settlement has not impeded the resilient Arab residents of the area in their efforts to demonize the Jewish State for using those water sources to kill them off or …
Country That Harbored Nazi War Criminals Shocked At Mass Graves On Its Soil Syria refused numerous extradition requests from European countries that sought to try Brunner for his hand in the deportation to death camps of 129,000 people. Raqqa, Syria, February 26 – A nation that gave sanctuary to one of the Holocaust’s most notorious figures expressed horror this week upon discovering yet another site of wholesale execution …
Now 40, Islamic Republic Of Iran Secretly Looking Forward To Annual Prostate Exam “At the annual checkup Iran has asked numerous times what the procedure entails, and never hesitates to delve into every detail.” Tehran, February 13 – It maintains a conservative, prim exterior, but this Islamic country harbors an intense desire to have a physician’s fingers inserted up its backside, now that it has reached the recommended …
Melee In Palestinian Starbucks As Every Patron Claims To Be Real Slim Shady Palestinian envoy to the United Nations Riyad Mansour told reporters he would request that his Arab colleagues at the organization draft a Security Council resolution reaffirming every Palestinian as the real Slim Shady. Ramallah, February 6 – Police broke up a riot today at a coffee shop in the de facto Palestinian capital that according …
Abbas OKs Teaching Holocaust If Textbooks Say Jews ‘Stormed’ Auschwitz “Our teachers will be free to discuss the German-led extermination of Jews in Europe, provided they phrase their lessons to imply that the Nazis had no choice but to kill all the Jews threatening to overrun Birkenau, Belsen, Mauthausen, and Sobibor, for example, in huge numbers.” Ramallah, January 28 – Palestinian education officials marked yesterday’s observance of …
Culture Whose Word For ‘Black Man’ Is ‘Slave’ Rebukes West For Racism “Do not even get me started on the treatment of women,” snapped Egyptian scholar Alnisa’ Eahirat. Doha, January 17 – A group of societies from the Mediterranean to southeast Asia whose common heritage includes a language that equates dark-skinned Africans with servitude leveled criticism at countries who provide political equality regardless of heritage or skin …
Video Of Iran Gays Dancing On Rooftops Before Being Thrown Off Sparks Outrage Authorities vowed to crack down on homosexuals who dance before being hurled to their deaths. Tehran, January 8 – Conservatives in the Islamic Republic railed against the irreverence that a number of homosexuals displayed before their executions this week, following the dissemination of a video recording that captured the condemned men dancing on top of …
Hamas Grant Writer Inflating Achievements In Funding Report To Qatar The report includes a colorful chart showing embezzlement of large sums from Qatari aid by Hamas leaders as “Infrastructure Investment.” Doha, Qatar, December 26 – An office staffer in the political echelon of the militant Islamist organization that governs the Gaza Strip has taken to exaggerating the attainments of his movement with the monies of …
Holocaust Deniers Fear For Future Of Denial As Original Deniers Die Off Even a soldier who was only seventeen at war’s end would be pushing ninety today. Tehran, December 19 – Pseudohistorians and activists working to preserve the memory of people who deny there was anything to remember about what the Nazis and their collaborators did to Jews before and during the Second World War expressed concern …
Obama Drone Victims Relieved To Be Killed By Liberal Administration “My gory, agonizing demise is a small price to pay for the utopia he brought about.” Mogadishu, Somalia, December 10 – Departed souls whose bond with their corporeal selves met a premature end in UAV-fired missile attacks before 2017 expressed a measure of solace today that their violent demise occurred as a result of President …
EU: Turkey Not Antisemitic Enough To Join “Turkey’s involvement in genocide – the first genocide of the twentieth century, it should be noted – was directed not at Jews, unfortunately, but at Armenians.” Brussels, November 29 – Officials in the European Customs Union shared concerns today that the Republic of Turkey lacks one of the principal qualifications for the membership in the …
US Urged To Shift From Alliance With Repressive Monarchy To Alliance With Repressive Theocracy “The mullahs of Tehran export an entirely different type of ideology that has led to entirely different worldwide terrorism and instability.” Washington, November 20 – Diplomats, politicians, and activists have seized upon last month’s grisly kidnap and murder of a Saudi journalist to argue that the United States must distance itself from the autocratic state …
Report: Furbies, Bell-Bottoms Now More Relevant Than Palestinians Already in 2001, Rainbow Brite and Pet Rocks were viewed as more pertinent to world affairs. Vienna, November 7 – A new assessment of emerging global trends has found that the Palestinian national cause now ranks as less pertinent and important than fads that faded years ago, in some cases decades ago, scientists report. Researchers …
Arabs Fear Warming Ties With Israel Will Cause Democracy, Freedoms “Democracy is a nice word, but it’s a foreign idea that should never have been introduced into the region.” Abu Dhabi, October 31 – A high-profile visit by the Jewish State’s Minister of Culture this week to this Arabian Gulf emirate, coupled with a recent trip to Oman by Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, have regional leaders …
Saudi Reassures Progressives No GMOs Used In Eliminating Khashoggi “No criticism seems to emerge from the same quarters regarding Turkey’s or Iran’s use of GMO foods.” Riyadh, October 22 – Officials of King Salman’s royal family sought to assuage ongoing leftist anger at the kingdom over its admitted role in the abduction, murder, and dismemberment of an anti-regime journalist several days ago by asserting …
Typo Results In Palestinian Preacher Inciting Violence Against Jaws “I get that’s it’s a bad movie. Is it because of the ethnicity of the film’s director? That wasn’t made clear, in my opinion.” Ramallah, October 9 – Materials distributed to mosque officials by the Palestinian government today contained a printing error, eyewitnesses are reporting, resulting in at least one imam calling on worshipers to …
Materials distributed by the office of the president provided details of the dovetailing strategies. Ramallah, September 5 – Leaders of the Palestinian national movement gave formal approval today to a long-time Israeli strategy aimed at causing the international community to feel irritation and revulsion each time Palestinian issues arise, a spokesman for President Mahmoud Abbas …
Octopuses Depict Enemies As Antisemites “We might be witness to an adaptive behavior developing in real time, and that’s always of interest.” Arabian Gulf, August 1 – Cephalopods aiming to strike a visceral chord among the public in fomenting animosity and suspicion against political or ideological opponents use visual caricatures of them as Judeophobes. Observers of the marine invertebrate community …