Tehran, June 16 - The leadership of the Islamic Republic further fed escalating regional tensions today amid continuing US airstrikes on its military infrastructure, by warning that further “aggression” from the regime’s enemies will bring about more vociferous warnings of unspecified but violent consequences, and they really mean it this time.
Iranian officials, speaking on condition of anonymity because they were busy assessing fresh craters where their missile sites used to be, expressed outrage at Israel’s continued existence and vowed to make their displeasure known at volumes previously reserved only for regime anniversary rallies. “The Zionist entity will feel the full force of our rhetorical fury,” declared a senior Revolutionary Guard commander whose command bunker now has excellent natural ventilation. “Our threats will echo from the Persian Gulf to the Mediterranean — and possibly even reach some uninhabited hills in the Negev, unlike our actual missiles lately.”
The latest Memorandum Of Understanding collapse followed Iran’s brief experiment with not attacking anyone directly, but was confirmed by repeated US strikes on Iranian air defenses, naval facilities, and missile production sites over the past week. While Tehran managed to lob a few projectiles toward American bases in Bahrain and Kuwait, its much-vaunted “axis of resistance” has proven conspicuously reluctant to fire anything meaningful at Israel itself - even as Israeli forces in, around, and above the Gaza Strip and southern Lebanon dismantle remaining Iranian proxy assets of Hamas and Hezbollah.
“Previously, our threats were at a polite 85 decibels,” explained Foreign Ministry spokesman Nasser Kanaani in a statement delivered at a volume suitable for a small auditorium, between reports of additional American munitions inbound. “Now we are prepared to go to 110. Maybe even 115 if the Zionists continue their aggression of existing. The Americans? We hit them with some stuff. Israel? Prepare for decibels.”
“The regime has mastered the art of the empty gesture,” said one Western diplomat. “After taking hits from the US all week, louder threats allow them to think they project strength without the messy business of ineffective strikes on Israeli soil and further embarrassment.”
“We’re monitoring the situation closely,” said a spokesman for the IDF. “If the threats get too loud, we may have to adjust our alert sirens. In the meantime, we’re advising citizens to wear earplugs.”
Analysts observed that Iran cannot afford to escalate its threats too quickly, given the hard maximum of 194 decibels in Earth’s atmosphere. If the regime jumps to such a volume for its threats suddenly, rather than gradually, it leaves little or no room to issue even louder threats.
“That provides another motive for Iran to seek ballistic missile technology,” explained Israeli analyst Gal Koli. “They believe that escaping the atmosphere will allow them to go beyond 194 dB with their threats. The vacuum of space means sound won’t travel there at all, but Iran’s remaining scientists consider that just an engineering problem.”
Please support our work through Patreon. Buy In The Biblical Sense: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B92QYWSL